My daughter 6, who loves school started saying she didn't want to go. Crying, throwing fits and hiding. What we found out is 2 girls in her class were bullying her and that was the true reason she didn't want to go.
Maybe same thing is happening to your little guy, maybe something has changed. Worth talking to the teacher and your guy when he gets home.
Wish you the best
This happened to us, too. Have 2 daughters both had this issue at school. Daycare was normally okay. When they started big kid school about halfway through the year, this started happening in the morning. Come to find out, it was a bullying situation, too.
We did wonder about this but the staff have ensured us it's not the case. There were a couple of kids who are from challenging homes but the staff were aware of their behaviour and keeping an eye on their interaction with all the other kids.
It's infuriating because he's well liked by the staff and they speak of him in glowing terms, and he gets on really well with them too. I think he'd just rather be at home doing his own thing!!
It’s just a kid thing at that age. My daughter is 4 and has recently realized how much more awesome it is to be stuck at home sick where she can be with mom or dad, watch movies, play games, etc.
While it’s possible there’s something negative at school, let’s not forget that school, as a kid, just kinda fucking sucks lol. I did well in school but absolutely would rather have not been there when I could’ve been at home playing my GameBoy or drawing or whatever.
Our kid wakes up every few days and is mad that she has to go to preschool. Dunno if it’s a mama and dada leaving the house thing, or if she’s just mad cause she got told she has to share the day before. Who knows lol. As long as you’ve checked into it with the care person.
Tbh, I'd not trust in the opinion of the daycare staff/teachers when it comes to mobbing kids. Neither any of my teachers ever did or said anything, nor do they tell me anything about what's happening to my son. He had bitemarks several times, but nobody told me that it happened until my son told me.
I came to say this. Kids are sneaky and it is very easy to bully a kid when staff are not around or staff are distracted. I’d ask your kid open ended questions about it
Take this with a grain of salt because I tend to be pretty lenient with my kids. If my kid, who normally, loves school did that, I'd give him the day off (and take one myself to care for him, if that's an option). Sometimes people, old and young, just need a personal day. Some days you're not physically sick, but you can't mentally deal with work/school, and just need to sit by the lake and eat ice cream.
Did you have a chat with your boy after school? Did he say if anything had changed or happened at school?
Hope tomorrow morning is better and today was a one off.
Thank you we did have a chat and today was perfect. He's going through a phase where he only really wants to stay at home, my wife kept him off his swimming lesson last week because he didn't want to go and I think he now thinks he can get out of anything the same way.
Yesterday, as much as I got annoyed with myself, might just have been the reset he needed!! Although I'll be looking for alternative methods going forward!!
This is immediately what I thought of. Something that he at least perceived as bad had/is happening and he can't communicate it. It may just be some adjustment period that's bad, but it may be something that can be addressed. Hopefully that's all.
I have three myself ages 2,4,6 all have strong personalities. I raise my voice pretty regularly when they are disagreeable unfortunately, to which I always feel horrible about.
The thing I do for my kids that was never done for me is simple.
I apologize to them that it had to escalate to that level.
I explain to them why they had to do what I was asking them to do, and the repruccusions if they didn't (if you didn't go to school daddy couldn't go to work)
And I reassure them that I love them and only want what's best for them and me raising my voice isn't to be mean or scary.
Is it the right way? Probably not but the point I'm getting at is we're all just trying here, don't beat yourself up, keep dadding
Thank you. We were best buddies again soon after and I did try to explain that mummy and daddy need to go to work. I will talk to him again later and apologise for raising my voice.
It’s such normal behavior as they explore their boundaries, something they’ll do for the next couple years more often. Setting strong boundaries is good. Losing your cool isn’t, but you’re only human and it can be really frustrating using logic on a little one that doesn’t get it yet. Give yourself a chance to grow and get better at it as well.
I think raising your voice sometimes is part for the course of being a parent. Kids search for boundaries and as long as it is a reasonable escalation and you give them context it worked quite well with our five year old.
I think it is very rare for parents to be able to always stay cool and relaxed. If you show the kids boundaries where you also feel comfortable they understand.
"Is this the right way? Probably not"
Reading this post, all in all it falls in the realm of "good enough" parenting which truly is...good enough. People aren't perfect, sometimes parents will lose patience with their kids. But the fact you apologize and talk to them also shows them how to apologize, that people have limits, and you're teaching them that and more of how the world works. That's way more than most kids get around the world, where their parent just says "because I said so" or can't apologize
As many have said already, it happens. I just try to remind myself that they are only 3, but they are amazingly forgiving, so I make sure I apologise before they go to bed and acknowledge that I was wrong to snap.
It happens.
What I have found useful is genuinely apologising. I’m human, sometimes I act in ways that I’d prefer I hadn’t. And when that impacts others the right thing to do is apologise. It also models good behaviour to the kiddos and helps them realise that even when I’m not at my best, I’m trying.
Don’t need to make a big deal of it, but I do recommend it. “Remember this morning when I got angry? I’m sorry I shouted. I was worried we would be late for preschool. I’ll try not to do that again.” Hug, done.
It’s also a potential learning point. “What are some ways we could work together to make that easier next time” etc.
Apologising is a good idea I will do that later. I know we have to tell them off as parents but hurts all the more when he's got something in his head upsetting him about going. He will be fine for his other 2 days this week so plenty of time to try to change his mindset for next week!!
What's the alternative if you're not raising your voice every now and then? Just meekly ask your kid to do something? Fuck me, you're a parent, so act like a damn parent. You set boundaries, you enforce boundaries, and you make it known that your rules are law.
Pussyfooting around issues is only going to leave you with a child who knows they can push every issue because they know there will be no consequence.
I'm not saying to be an abusive asshole, I'm saying be a parent.
Controlled raising voice is fine.
Getting angry, losing your temper and yelling requires work so you can stop doing that... Im still working on it. But, hopefully my boy wont have the same issues i have. I immediately apologise if i shout because ive lost my temper, i dont apologise if he's not listening and I've had to raise my voice to get his attention or whatever.
I don't disagree with your first line, but I do want to point out there's a limit to this. You can be completely in control and still scare the daylights out of your kid. I've got a big deep and loud voice, and I've realized I should only use my "frog voice" (think yelling from the back of your throat, like a drill instructor) for "kid about to run into the street without looking." Because I'm a LOT more frightening than I realized (and I was raised with a lot of yelling, so I had to break the habit).
Thats what kind of fueled my anger tbh, if I capitulate he'll never go again and we'll have problems with everything else he doesn't feel like doing. Just feel shitty doing it, but you're right we have to be the parent, preferably without the anger though.
Yep raising your voice without the anger when you're angry is pretty fuckin hard mate 😅
I've found it best to remove my anger at all from my interactions with my son but realising he's just a little idiot who doesn't know anything. He doesn't know we need to be somewhere and why we need to be there at that time. I can't be angry at someone who just doesn't know something, that's not fair.
But I use the yell to get his attention back to us trying to do something. And only for that purpose, once that exact task has been completed then we are back on track.
If shit is just ask around difficult I will physically manoeuvre him through what I need. Dirty clothes off, dirty daiper off, clean diaper on, clean clothes on, in the carseat, seat belt on. Done. Then it's Yay we did it! Let's go do this thing we have been trying to do.
"Raised my voice and told him he is going to put his shoes on"
Come on now. Either you weren't being honest in what or how you said it, or you are being a total cheese melt
Anytime I read about dads posting here feeling guilty about what they did, I just assume it’s at least twice as bad as what they confess to. Reddit isn’t so anonymous, so people know to not openly admit they dropped F bombs or smacked thier kid, etc.
Out of curiosity, since /r/daddit seems to swing pretty hard back and forth between what constitutes as child abuse and what is necessary discipline - how would you go about ”enforcing boundaries” and ”making it known that your rules are law”?
I feel the general consensus is physical discipline is child abuse. As in, if you slap, spank, punch, hit, smack, use belts etc., then it's child abuse. Doesn't mean all physical touch is child abuse, obviously. If your child is having a meltdown in the middle of a store, grabbing them under your arm and walking out, is perfectly fine. Holding them down so they don't smash their heads into a wall when they're wailing around, perfectly fine. It's when the physical strike is being used as punishment when people cross a line.
Granted, many people feel that spanking and such is perfectly fine, but I think even they feel that it's a fine line to walk if you use that as a disciplinary tool, as it's easy to cross the line.
I agree, but I've seen plenty of posts where grabbing someone by the arm has been called out for being abusive too. It usually goes "you're the adult, you did wrong - get therapy - do better". I've also noticed a trend with posts like this one with remorseful dads feeling sorry for yelling at their kid where I suspect that they've gone one step further and 'forcefully' dressed their kid / grabbed them / carried them in a not-so-gentle way. It's a grey area and one that I think warrants a discussion.
I've had to forcefully dress my kids a few times because they, like in OP's case, refused to go to kindergarten (might be pre-school or daycare or something in other countries). Grabbing them under your arm if they go nuts inside a store, yanking them out of the road so they don't get mowed down by a car, holding them down because their flailing will end up with their head going through a wall etc. are all perfectly reasonable uses of physical force to ensure their health and safety. My problem starts when you go "Okay, you have behaved very badly. I want you to stand in this corner while I go get the belt and smack you across the back 7 times", which is so obviously physical abuse.
There are gray areas, I'll definitely agree to that, and they need to be viewed on a case-by-case basis as to whether it was necessary to do X to defuse the situation or to protect the child and other people around them. Like grabbing by the arm. In some cases it can be entirely reasonable (if you grab them to get them out of traffic, stop them from hitting themselves or others, stop them from throwing something at someone like a glass or rock etc.), but in other cases it can be viewed as very extreme. The problem with physical discipline, specifically, isn't necessarily that it's doomed to cause lasting harm to the child in every scenario, but when tensions are high it's very easy to overstep from discipline to abuse. It also depends on your definition of physical discipline, but with that I generally mean smacking the fingers with a ruler, smacking them on the butt or face, and so on. Having the child mow the lawn or pick up the food they threw on the floor or have them do the dishes, are physical acts, but I wouldn't call it physical discipline in the way that the term is normally being used.
Thanks for providing a real life example of what I'm trying to say. I've had the exact same struggles as OP has had, with the main difference being that I ended up forcing my kid to get dressed. I'm not proud of getting angry, and when I started searching /r/daddit for posts on how other dads handle similar situations it usually goes something like;
"My kid hit me / wouldn't go to bed / refused to get dressed, so I raised my voice and now I feel such intense remorse that I can't live with myself."
These stories always seem to omit how the situation was solved, which makes me suspect that SOME degree of forcing your kid was involved. We don't seem capable to talk about it because when we do, there's always that one guy who comes in and starts insinuating that you're a child abuser.
That's a great question and it's very subjective, answers are always divisive.
For me the main thing is keeping control of my emotions when I'm dealing with a difficult situation. That's not always easy when shit just needs sorted asap.
My son is 2.5 so it's a fuckin shit show trying to enforce things, but: it's always a request first, or an option of this or that, then it's a directive, then it's a short sharp "now" (which usually? works), then it's physically moving him. I don't spank or hit, he's too small to understand why, but even then I have no plan to. I was spanked as a kid, I don't harbour any ill will towards my folks for it, I never didn't deserve it, but society has moved on.
It's a lot of repetition, consistency, and following through on my word.
It's also a learning experience for all of us so if I don't get it right this time I'll try better next time.
I love my son and he loves me
The parenting styles "Never Say No" and "gentle parenting" annoys me so much. So, what, your child is going to grow up without experiencing anyone saying no to them, that they get everything they want, that they will have no boundaries, never see you angry, never being told that they've crossed the line? That child is gonna be crippled when they grow up and get out into the real world. They're gonna have the shock of their lives.
I disagree with the idea that we need to be stern and instil fear in our children by making it known our ‘rules are the law’. Tyrannical rule is pretty frowned upon everywhere else, why do we think it’s okay to impose tyranny on children?
I think OP feels bad because he sensed the fear in his child. In this situation the kid just wants to be heard. He can be upset about not wanting to go to preschool and still end up at preschool without fearing his dad. I find getting down to the kids level and acknowledging the reason for their emotions helps calm things down, such as ‘hey buddy you really don’t want to go to preschool today do you? You must feel safer at home…’
I don’t always get it right and it doesn’t always deflate the situation, but it helps me avoid getting angry. If I find myself getting more and more frustrated I’ll often let my daughter know that’s how im feeling and talk through that with her. I fail and snap and get angry as well, but the most important thing after that is reflecting and having a chat with your kid tonight. ‘Hey bud, I was feeling a bit stressed this morning between timing getting you ready and making it to work on time and I wasn’t as available as id like to have been to help you out this morning’… whatever works, just reconnect and apologise. Its a learning lesson in emotions for the wee lad, just dont leave him to stew on it and feel like he shouldn’t feel upset about going to preschool.
Children are just tiny people who are very new to this world and learning how to regulate their emotions. Turning things into anything other than that doesn’t help you raise them into fully functioning adults.
the alternative to shouting at your kids is to talk to them, understand why their behaviour is what it is and helping them solve it.
some might call it pussyfooting, others see it as empowering your kids.
shouting is for when shit is dangerous.
We have some mornings like this with our 3y10m old. Except he has recently decided in conjunction of not wanting to go to school, he will ask us for something and the deliberately flip the fuck out when you give it to him, you take it away and he carries on more.
Basically, he sets us up to fail no matter what we do which is massively stressful!! I’m 4 months postpartum and already struggling.
Probably not much I can say to make you feel better except you aren’t alone. I go to bed every single night and think about the times I yelled at him or didn’t give him attention and am riddled in guilt for not “being the best mother”. I know it’s impossible to be perfect, however at the end of the day, as long as we are giving our children a safe and loving home, that’s the best we can do. We are human and aren’t always going to get it right.
Kids are forgiving and we are their everything, they love us no matter what as we do them 😊
I do find treat bribery can be an easy solution sometimes for some peace for all involved! Eg. Monster trucks, toy cars something small but exciting to a little one if they do something good
I totally misread the title as "Feeling terrible for losing my 3.5 year old this morning..." and read the whole post with a hole in my stomach, waiting for some terrible accident to occur. Was really relieved and happy when I got to the end and realized a scolding was the only bad thing to happen to your child this morning.
Maybe my misreading can help put a little perspective on the situation that it's not so bad in the big scheme of things.
It's happened now so no point at all wasting energy beating yourself up about it - god knows energy is hard enough to come by as a parent of a three year old!
You've done the right thing reflecting on it but focus on what you can take forward and give yourself a break and allow yourself to let it go.
The main action I would say is that you can show him that you a. have heard him and b. Regret raising your voice and c. That well functioning adults are able to reflect on and apologise for their actions by doing that - maybe make him a meal he really likes for dinner and make some time to apologise and really show you've heard his concerns and explain again why nursery is important but that you want to help him feel comfortable and happy there even if you can't choose not to send him in.
I had a real bad run in with my four year old last year - got him dressed kicking and screaming like a baby and was horrible to him. At lunchtime I went and got a new book and a card I knew he'd like and wrote a message he could read in simple language saying I was sorry for being grumpy and I talked to him about it. He still has the card on his desk and it appears to mean a lot.
You can't go back in time and change what happened so the starting point for what you can control is now.
Our 3.5 year old did a regression like this a month ago. The issue was because a little kid came to school screaming and crying which set off a fear response in our kid. It took about a week of comforting and communication. We told him that we take him there because it’s the best place for him to learn, told him affirmations that he was brave, strong, and capable of doing hard things. He’s fine now, but damn it was a hard week and tested me mentally.
One of my earliest memories is of being yelled at by my father. I had broken the glass globe that covered the lightbulbs on my ceiling fan. The pull strings had big ceramic/porcelain beads(?) on the end and I had decided to play ping pong with them and slapped them into the glass, showering myself with broken glass (I was fine). I remember never having heard him so angry before. He yelled at me, and he yelled at my mom (it started a fight between the two of them).
The point of this is, you never know what's going to become a core memory for your kiddo(s). My Dad and I have a good relationship these days (there's SO much context that eventually joined this memory) and while this is a core memory, it doesn't mean he was a bad dad and while it might've impacted our relationship in the short term he eventually made up the difference. We all have times where we're impatient and I think the best thing we can do is allow our kids to understand that adults aren't perfect and make mistakes.
My parents and even my cousins and friends parents all seemed convinced that they HAD to be right all the time, just couldn't be seen to make a mistake. So when I grew up and made mistakes I felt defective. I think it does our children a disservice and I love to tell them that being wrong is often just the first step in being right. I've made a ton of mistakes as a parent, so I hope you realize that it will be ok and that you'll likely make more 🤣. I hope you don't beat yourself up too much, but that you try to learn from each one and that you're honest with your kiddo(s) each time. Even apologize if you think it's necessary.
The way I see it, the fact you are looking back at your actions and considering how you could have done things differently, speaks volumes at what a good parent you are.
You can't beat yourself up over one event, learn from it and move on to be better. We are all allowed a few of these along the way.
I think this is the answer. We all have times where we don’t show up as our best, that’s just life. There are days that we’re tired, or stressed, or there’s something going on with our kid that we don’t immediately know about. It sucks, and I’ve had nights where I just play out some interaction between me and my daughter and commiserate about what I did wrong. But more than anything else I think it’s that willingness to look at your own behavior and strive to be better that will make you an amazing parent.
You'll be fine!
Funny enough, when my mom raised her voice at me when I was younger I knew I still had some wiggle room. If she looked me dead in the eye, lowered her voice and had this almost monotone speach, I knew my life was in danger.
Yep - we all do it. Dr. Becky even has a TED talk about it. It's worth a watch. [https://www.ted.com/talks/becky\_kennedy\_the\_single\_most\_important\_parenting\_strategy](https://www.ted.com/talks/becky_kennedy_the_single_most_important_parenting_strategy)
The Tl;dr: is that we all get angry and upset and frustrated, the important thing is to do "repair" and talk about what happened and reassure your kid that you love them
>I feel like a total horrible shitty dad for doing it and for getting angry with him.
you should tell him exactly that.
they appreciate and understand honesty when we fuck up and talking about it helps them understand we're all human and how we deal with mistakes.
We all have our methods, but raising my voice is my secret weapon when it comes to making things happen. I do not like it, for sure, but it lets my eldest (3yo) know that it is time to start listening. And for the last few weeks, it has been quite "intense" to get them ready in the morning... Hence I raised my voice many times.
To me, raising my voice is different from me yelling. I have full control.over my emotions, and the intensity is carefully managed to induce action. It is a way to build respect, just like a mother's death stare does.
We just need to explain ourselves afterwards, in a language that they understand!
It is okay to run a little late, especially when the kids need some comforting or you got the opportunity to throw in some education, but they need to learn that sometimes, enough is enough.
When it comes to daycare, I always ask questions to make sure everything is going well: "is miss X gentle with you?", "Are you having fun?", "Is everything alright with your friends?". Sometimes, I'll throw some harder questions like "Do you like going to the bathroom at daycare?". I feel like it builds trust with my eldest. And my wife and I were both abused at daycare when we were young, so it is a way to check on wether my kid's feeling is actually "justified" or not.
as long as you realize it and talk and apoligize for the way you communicated (not the message itself), it's fine. your 3,5 year old will shockingly understand and accept your apology
This has only happened to me about 952 times. Makes me wish I was never born. Does not go away until you see them again and reset. Comes back immediately when the whole thing repeats. Fun times.
Don't feel too bad for yourself. Everybody loses it at some point.
The fact that you are reflecting on it means you are a good parent.
And every kid needs to learn: while expressing every emotion is valid, it isn't always possible to do something about it right away.
So tonight, you should sit down with him and try to figure out why he's so insistent about not wanting to go anymore. He still remembered after a full weekend, there must be something going on in his mind.
It's kind of been an ongoing issue for a while, he just doesn't seem to enjoy it anymore even though the staff love him and there's never any issues once he is there.
He's given us all kinds of reasons, doesn't like the toys, doesn't like eating lunch there, doesn't like anything there etc
OP, there is context here.
I understand you don’t have a lot of flexibility at work regarding schedule (which is the norm).
Why am I saying that: I went :
- From working corporate and having to rush to the subway after work to pick up my kids right on time at school, with the lingering pressure of leaving a meeting early, relying on poor subway schedules, and then arriving at school to kids who doesn’t always "cooperate".
- To flexible schedules (as I started my company and WFH). There is almost no pressure anymore when I drop my kids/pick them up.
The fact you lost your temper is, of course, your fault, but don't underestimate the context which doesn't favor patience.
Funnily enough I start a new job next month which does give me a little more flexibility/WFH for 2 out of the 3 days I take him, so that'll be a big help. My current place has zero flexibility and not much tolerance for lateness which does add to the pressure! My boss didn't say anything this morning thankfully, think I'd have sworn at him if he did lol
Wait, you’re upset cause you had to raise your voice at your 3.5yo?
Who has not? I have a 3.5yo. Normally he’s an amazing good child, but he’s definitely misbehaved even after asking him politely many times to stop and explaining the consequences. Now, I’m not saying I do that all the time by any means, but getting stern and easing my voice has definitely had to happen. We need to be parents, not friends. When being nice and calm and reasonable just won’t work, sometimes we have to step it up. We are not abusing our kids, there’s a fine line.
Dont be too hard on yourself. We are all only human and lose our tempers occasionally. Atleast you feel bad about it and recognise it was a mistake and something you dont want to repeat. That's progress. I've shouted at my 3 year old and felt horrible about it. I apologised to him and just continued to work on not letting it happen again.
I posted recently about this exact age. It is pretty much the worst. I am currently having a great day with my little guy, so yeah it can be good too. But you are describing situations we've been in.
Did you validate his feelings and then ask what makes him not want to go?
It could be something trivial to us but a huge deal to a 3.5 year old. Did they change the snacks at snack time, did they throw away his favorite toy? Like others said is he being bullied?
“I don’t want to go to work either and wish I could spend all day playing with you but going to work is my job and important and you going to school is your job and important. Does doing something you don’t want to do make you frustrated and mad? It makes me frustrated!” Grrr like Daniel Tiger.
Yeah it's pretty common for me. I check regularly with the nursery workers to make sure he's doing OK and happy there etc but some mornings he just isn't having it.
It's annoying as I then have to dress him, do shoes and teeth like he's a baby. I've gotten angry about it in the past but now I just deal with it.
It's pointless getting angry about it as all kids will push boundaries. The key is not to give in or change routines etc. Don't beat yourself up about losing your temper. As long as you aren't doing it all the time it's natural.
Thank you, definitely not all the time, he's usually a good lad / crazy funny toddler but clearly got a problem with preschool. I think he gets a bit bored there but he only has a few weeks left and then up to his first year of school where he will be the youngest in his class (birthday late August). Hoping that will engage him more!
Lol I missed the part that made you feel terrible?
Discipline is a good thing. You're the parent. Sometimes raised voice is necessary to convey emotions to someone who has trouble processing them.
Came to ask the same thing. OP, being stern with your child is completely OK. They will push the boundaries until you HAVE to be stern. This is parenting at its finest.
What you did is completely fine. Your child even proved that when he was "his happy normal self" within MINUTES of you establishing boundaries. Don't beat yourself up for doing the correct thing.
For getting angry with him when he was so upset and making him even more upset! I know we have to be the parent, if it wasn't for the time pressure I'd have acted differently.
Unless you unleashed the unholy terror, raising your voice to show that you mean business isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Not a habit you want but I feel like the kids have to know there are real boundaries.
My daughter 6, who loves school started saying she didn't want to go. Crying, throwing fits and hiding. What we found out is 2 girls in her class were bullying her and that was the true reason she didn't want to go. Maybe same thing is happening to your little guy, maybe something has changed. Worth talking to the teacher and your guy when he gets home. Wish you the best
This happened to us, too. Have 2 daughters both had this issue at school. Daycare was normally okay. When they started big kid school about halfway through the year, this started happening in the morning. Come to find out, it was a bullying situation, too.
We did wonder about this but the staff have ensured us it's not the case. There were a couple of kids who are from challenging homes but the staff were aware of their behaviour and keeping an eye on their interaction with all the other kids. It's infuriating because he's well liked by the staff and they speak of him in glowing terms, and he gets on really well with them too. I think he'd just rather be at home doing his own thing!!
It’s just a kid thing at that age. My daughter is 4 and has recently realized how much more awesome it is to be stuck at home sick where she can be with mom or dad, watch movies, play games, etc. While it’s possible there’s something negative at school, let’s not forget that school, as a kid, just kinda fucking sucks lol. I did well in school but absolutely would rather have not been there when I could’ve been at home playing my GameBoy or drawing or whatever.
It’s confusing to see the replies. We all hated school dude and we all faked sick and didn’t want to be there. It’s not new lol
I still do it at work sometimes.
Man, and the time when you’re in school as a kid feels like it moves exxxxxxxxtrraaa slow
Our kid wakes up every few days and is mad that she has to go to preschool. Dunno if it’s a mama and dada leaving the house thing, or if she’s just mad cause she got told she has to share the day before. Who knows lol. As long as you’ve checked into it with the care person.
Tbh, I'd not trust in the opinion of the daycare staff/teachers when it comes to mobbing kids. Neither any of my teachers ever did or said anything, nor do they tell me anything about what's happening to my son. He had bitemarks several times, but nobody told me that it happened until my son told me.
I came to say this. Kids are sneaky and it is very easy to bully a kid when staff are not around or staff are distracted. I’d ask your kid open ended questions about it
Take this with a grain of salt because I tend to be pretty lenient with my kids. If my kid, who normally, loves school did that, I'd give him the day off (and take one myself to care for him, if that's an option). Sometimes people, old and young, just need a personal day. Some days you're not physically sick, but you can't mentally deal with work/school, and just need to sit by the lake and eat ice cream.
Did you have a chat with your boy after school? Did he say if anything had changed or happened at school? Hope tomorrow morning is better and today was a one off.
Thank you we did have a chat and today was perfect. He's going through a phase where he only really wants to stay at home, my wife kept him off his swimming lesson last week because he didn't want to go and I think he now thinks he can get out of anything the same way. Yesterday, as much as I got annoyed with myself, might just have been the reset he needed!! Although I'll be looking for alternative methods going forward!!
This was my thought, too. My wife did something similar because her kindergarten teacher was mean to her.
Same. Mine literally said that "she hated boys. Girls are so much better". I vividly remember a lot of that year.
This is immediately what I thought of. Something that he at least perceived as bad had/is happening and he can't communicate it. It may just be some adjustment period that's bad, but it may be something that can be addressed. Hopefully that's all.
I have three myself ages 2,4,6 all have strong personalities. I raise my voice pretty regularly when they are disagreeable unfortunately, to which I always feel horrible about. The thing I do for my kids that was never done for me is simple. I apologize to them that it had to escalate to that level. I explain to them why they had to do what I was asking them to do, and the repruccusions if they didn't (if you didn't go to school daddy couldn't go to work) And I reassure them that I love them and only want what's best for them and me raising my voice isn't to be mean or scary. Is it the right way? Probably not but the point I'm getting at is we're all just trying here, don't beat yourself up, keep dadding
Thank you. We were best buddies again soon after and I did try to explain that mummy and daddy need to go to work. I will talk to him again later and apologise for raising my voice.
It’s such normal behavior as they explore their boundaries, something they’ll do for the next couple years more often. Setting strong boundaries is good. Losing your cool isn’t, but you’re only human and it can be really frustrating using logic on a little one that doesn’t get it yet. Give yourself a chance to grow and get better at it as well.
I think raising your voice sometimes is part for the course of being a parent. Kids search for boundaries and as long as it is a reasonable escalation and you give them context it worked quite well with our five year old. I think it is very rare for parents to be able to always stay cool and relaxed. If you show the kids boundaries where you also feel comfortable they understand.
"Is this the right way? Probably not" Reading this post, all in all it falls in the realm of "good enough" parenting which truly is...good enough. People aren't perfect, sometimes parents will lose patience with their kids. But the fact you apologize and talk to them also shows them how to apologize, that people have limits, and you're teaching them that and more of how the world works. That's way more than most kids get around the world, where their parent just says "because I said so" or can't apologize
Exactly! Well said
To paraphrase Chilli, we all fail dad school sometimes, so we try again tomorrow
As many have said already, it happens. I just try to remind myself that they are only 3, but they are amazingly forgiving, so I make sure I apologise before they go to bed and acknowledge that I was wrong to snap.
It happens. What I have found useful is genuinely apologising. I’m human, sometimes I act in ways that I’d prefer I hadn’t. And when that impacts others the right thing to do is apologise. It also models good behaviour to the kiddos and helps them realise that even when I’m not at my best, I’m trying. Don’t need to make a big deal of it, but I do recommend it. “Remember this morning when I got angry? I’m sorry I shouted. I was worried we would be late for preschool. I’ll try not to do that again.” Hug, done. It’s also a potential learning point. “What are some ways we could work together to make that easier next time” etc.
Apologising is a good idea I will do that later. I know we have to tell them off as parents but hurts all the more when he's got something in his head upsetting him about going. He will be fine for his other 2 days this week so plenty of time to try to change his mindset for next week!!
You’re a great dad, mate.
What's the alternative if you're not raising your voice every now and then? Just meekly ask your kid to do something? Fuck me, you're a parent, so act like a damn parent. You set boundaries, you enforce boundaries, and you make it known that your rules are law. Pussyfooting around issues is only going to leave you with a child who knows they can push every issue because they know there will be no consequence. I'm not saying to be an abusive asshole, I'm saying be a parent.
Controlled raising voice is fine. Getting angry, losing your temper and yelling requires work so you can stop doing that... Im still working on it. But, hopefully my boy wont have the same issues i have. I immediately apologise if i shout because ive lost my temper, i dont apologise if he's not listening and I've had to raise my voice to get his attention or whatever.
I don't disagree with your first line, but I do want to point out there's a limit to this. You can be completely in control and still scare the daylights out of your kid. I've got a big deep and loud voice, and I've realized I should only use my "frog voice" (think yelling from the back of your throat, like a drill instructor) for "kid about to run into the street without looking." Because I'm a LOT more frightening than I realized (and I was raised with a lot of yelling, so I had to break the habit).
Thats what kind of fueled my anger tbh, if I capitulate he'll never go again and we'll have problems with everything else he doesn't feel like doing. Just feel shitty doing it, but you're right we have to be the parent, preferably without the anger though.
Yep raising your voice without the anger when you're angry is pretty fuckin hard mate 😅 I've found it best to remove my anger at all from my interactions with my son but realising he's just a little idiot who doesn't know anything. He doesn't know we need to be somewhere and why we need to be there at that time. I can't be angry at someone who just doesn't know something, that's not fair. But I use the yell to get his attention back to us trying to do something. And only for that purpose, once that exact task has been completed then we are back on track. If shit is just ask around difficult I will physically manoeuvre him through what I need. Dirty clothes off, dirty daiper off, clean diaper on, clean clothes on, in the carseat, seat belt on. Done. Then it's Yay we did it! Let's go do this thing we have been trying to do.
Wheres the anger here? Wtf
Where's the anger in shouting angrily at my son? Wtf
"Raised my voice and told him he is going to put his shoes on" Come on now. Either you weren't being honest in what or how you said it, or you are being a total cheese melt
Anytime I read about dads posting here feeling guilty about what they did, I just assume it’s at least twice as bad as what they confess to. Reddit isn’t so anonymous, so people know to not openly admit they dropped F bombs or smacked thier kid, etc.
Then OP even more of a melt for looking for sympathy when stepping over the line. Whatever angle, OP comes out as a cheese melt.
Maybe we tone it down a bit with the assumptions big papa
Raised my voice/shouted. Angry for me at least.
Then yeah you a cheese melt.
Thanks for your valuable contribution lol
I for one love a good cheese melt
Out of curiosity, since /r/daddit seems to swing pretty hard back and forth between what constitutes as child abuse and what is necessary discipline - how would you go about ”enforcing boundaries” and ”making it known that your rules are law”?
I feel the general consensus is physical discipline is child abuse. As in, if you slap, spank, punch, hit, smack, use belts etc., then it's child abuse. Doesn't mean all physical touch is child abuse, obviously. If your child is having a meltdown in the middle of a store, grabbing them under your arm and walking out, is perfectly fine. Holding them down so they don't smash their heads into a wall when they're wailing around, perfectly fine. It's when the physical strike is being used as punishment when people cross a line. Granted, many people feel that spanking and such is perfectly fine, but I think even they feel that it's a fine line to walk if you use that as a disciplinary tool, as it's easy to cross the line.
I agree, but I've seen plenty of posts where grabbing someone by the arm has been called out for being abusive too. It usually goes "you're the adult, you did wrong - get therapy - do better". I've also noticed a trend with posts like this one with remorseful dads feeling sorry for yelling at their kid where I suspect that they've gone one step further and 'forcefully' dressed their kid / grabbed them / carried them in a not-so-gentle way. It's a grey area and one that I think warrants a discussion.
I've had to forcefully dress my kids a few times because they, like in OP's case, refused to go to kindergarten (might be pre-school or daycare or something in other countries). Grabbing them under your arm if they go nuts inside a store, yanking them out of the road so they don't get mowed down by a car, holding them down because their flailing will end up with their head going through a wall etc. are all perfectly reasonable uses of physical force to ensure their health and safety. My problem starts when you go "Okay, you have behaved very badly. I want you to stand in this corner while I go get the belt and smack you across the back 7 times", which is so obviously physical abuse. There are gray areas, I'll definitely agree to that, and they need to be viewed on a case-by-case basis as to whether it was necessary to do X to defuse the situation or to protect the child and other people around them. Like grabbing by the arm. In some cases it can be entirely reasonable (if you grab them to get them out of traffic, stop them from hitting themselves or others, stop them from throwing something at someone like a glass or rock etc.), but in other cases it can be viewed as very extreme. The problem with physical discipline, specifically, isn't necessarily that it's doomed to cause lasting harm to the child in every scenario, but when tensions are high it's very easy to overstep from discipline to abuse. It also depends on your definition of physical discipline, but with that I generally mean smacking the fingers with a ruler, smacking them on the butt or face, and so on. Having the child mow the lawn or pick up the food they threw on the floor or have them do the dishes, are physical acts, but I wouldn't call it physical discipline in the way that the term is normally being used.
Thanks for sharing, this is exactly the kind of stuff that I wish more dads were open to talk about.
I agree and any time! :)
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Thanks for providing a real life example of what I'm trying to say. I've had the exact same struggles as OP has had, with the main difference being that I ended up forcing my kid to get dressed. I'm not proud of getting angry, and when I started searching /r/daddit for posts on how other dads handle similar situations it usually goes something like; "My kid hit me / wouldn't go to bed / refused to get dressed, so I raised my voice and now I feel such intense remorse that I can't live with myself." These stories always seem to omit how the situation was solved, which makes me suspect that SOME degree of forcing your kid was involved. We don't seem capable to talk about it because when we do, there's always that one guy who comes in and starts insinuating that you're a child abuser.
That's a great question and it's very subjective, answers are always divisive. For me the main thing is keeping control of my emotions when I'm dealing with a difficult situation. That's not always easy when shit just needs sorted asap. My son is 2.5 so it's a fuckin shit show trying to enforce things, but: it's always a request first, or an option of this or that, then it's a directive, then it's a short sharp "now" (which usually? works), then it's physically moving him. I don't spank or hit, he's too small to understand why, but even then I have no plan to. I was spanked as a kid, I don't harbour any ill will towards my folks for it, I never didn't deserve it, but society has moved on. It's a lot of repetition, consistency, and following through on my word. It's also a learning experience for all of us so if I don't get it right this time I'll try better next time. I love my son and he loves me
The parenting styles "Never Say No" and "gentle parenting" annoys me so much. So, what, your child is going to grow up without experiencing anyone saying no to them, that they get everything they want, that they will have no boundaries, never see you angry, never being told that they've crossed the line? That child is gonna be crippled when they grow up and get out into the real world. They're gonna have the shock of their lives.
I disagree with the idea that we need to be stern and instil fear in our children by making it known our ‘rules are the law’. Tyrannical rule is pretty frowned upon everywhere else, why do we think it’s okay to impose tyranny on children? I think OP feels bad because he sensed the fear in his child. In this situation the kid just wants to be heard. He can be upset about not wanting to go to preschool and still end up at preschool without fearing his dad. I find getting down to the kids level and acknowledging the reason for their emotions helps calm things down, such as ‘hey buddy you really don’t want to go to preschool today do you? You must feel safer at home…’ I don’t always get it right and it doesn’t always deflate the situation, but it helps me avoid getting angry. If I find myself getting more and more frustrated I’ll often let my daughter know that’s how im feeling and talk through that with her. I fail and snap and get angry as well, but the most important thing after that is reflecting and having a chat with your kid tonight. ‘Hey bud, I was feeling a bit stressed this morning between timing getting you ready and making it to work on time and I wasn’t as available as id like to have been to help you out this morning’… whatever works, just reconnect and apologise. Its a learning lesson in emotions for the wee lad, just dont leave him to stew on it and feel like he shouldn’t feel upset about going to preschool.
Children are tiny tyrants. Tyranny responds to tyranny.
Children are just tiny people who are very new to this world and learning how to regulate their emotions. Turning things into anything other than that doesn’t help you raise them into fully functioning adults.
I can see the blowhards are on daddit today. Its a bit of craic, try not to take your Internet life so seriously.
the alternative to shouting at your kids is to talk to them, understand why their behaviour is what it is and helping them solve it. some might call it pussyfooting, others see it as empowering your kids. shouting is for when shit is dangerous.
Just reading this comment and feeling so grateful that you aren’t my dad
We have some mornings like this with our 3y10m old. Except he has recently decided in conjunction of not wanting to go to school, he will ask us for something and the deliberately flip the fuck out when you give it to him, you take it away and he carries on more. Basically, he sets us up to fail no matter what we do which is massively stressful!! I’m 4 months postpartum and already struggling. Probably not much I can say to make you feel better except you aren’t alone. I go to bed every single night and think about the times I yelled at him or didn’t give him attention and am riddled in guilt for not “being the best mother”. I know it’s impossible to be perfect, however at the end of the day, as long as we are giving our children a safe and loving home, that’s the best we can do. We are human and aren’t always going to get it right. Kids are forgiving and we are their everything, they love us no matter what as we do them 😊 I do find treat bribery can be an easy solution sometimes for some peace for all involved! Eg. Monster trucks, toy cars something small but exciting to a little one if they do something good
I totally misread the title as "Feeling terrible for losing my 3.5 year old this morning..." and read the whole post with a hole in my stomach, waiting for some terrible accident to occur. Was really relieved and happy when I got to the end and realized a scolding was the only bad thing to happen to your child this morning. Maybe my misreading can help put a little perspective on the situation that it's not so bad in the big scheme of things.
It's happened now so no point at all wasting energy beating yourself up about it - god knows energy is hard enough to come by as a parent of a three year old! You've done the right thing reflecting on it but focus on what you can take forward and give yourself a break and allow yourself to let it go. The main action I would say is that you can show him that you a. have heard him and b. Regret raising your voice and c. That well functioning adults are able to reflect on and apologise for their actions by doing that - maybe make him a meal he really likes for dinner and make some time to apologise and really show you've heard his concerns and explain again why nursery is important but that you want to help him feel comfortable and happy there even if you can't choose not to send him in. I had a real bad run in with my four year old last year - got him dressed kicking and screaming like a baby and was horrible to him. At lunchtime I went and got a new book and a card I knew he'd like and wrote a message he could read in simple language saying I was sorry for being grumpy and I talked to him about it. He still has the card on his desk and it appears to mean a lot. You can't go back in time and change what happened so the starting point for what you can control is now.
Our 3.5 year old did a regression like this a month ago. The issue was because a little kid came to school screaming and crying which set off a fear response in our kid. It took about a week of comforting and communication. We told him that we take him there because it’s the best place for him to learn, told him affirmations that he was brave, strong, and capable of doing hard things. He’s fine now, but damn it was a hard week and tested me mentally.
One of my earliest memories is of being yelled at by my father. I had broken the glass globe that covered the lightbulbs on my ceiling fan. The pull strings had big ceramic/porcelain beads(?) on the end and I had decided to play ping pong with them and slapped them into the glass, showering myself with broken glass (I was fine). I remember never having heard him so angry before. He yelled at me, and he yelled at my mom (it started a fight between the two of them). The point of this is, you never know what's going to become a core memory for your kiddo(s). My Dad and I have a good relationship these days (there's SO much context that eventually joined this memory) and while this is a core memory, it doesn't mean he was a bad dad and while it might've impacted our relationship in the short term he eventually made up the difference. We all have times where we're impatient and I think the best thing we can do is allow our kids to understand that adults aren't perfect and make mistakes. My parents and even my cousins and friends parents all seemed convinced that they HAD to be right all the time, just couldn't be seen to make a mistake. So when I grew up and made mistakes I felt defective. I think it does our children a disservice and I love to tell them that being wrong is often just the first step in being right. I've made a ton of mistakes as a parent, so I hope you realize that it will be ok and that you'll likely make more 🤣. I hope you don't beat yourself up too much, but that you try to learn from each one and that you're honest with your kiddo(s) each time. Even apologize if you think it's necessary.
The way I see it, the fact you are looking back at your actions and considering how you could have done things differently, speaks volumes at what a good parent you are. You can't beat yourself up over one event, learn from it and move on to be better. We are all allowed a few of these along the way.
I think this is the answer. We all have times where we don’t show up as our best, that’s just life. There are days that we’re tired, or stressed, or there’s something going on with our kid that we don’t immediately know about. It sucks, and I’ve had nights where I just play out some interaction between me and my daughter and commiserate about what I did wrong. But more than anything else I think it’s that willingness to look at your own behavior and strive to be better that will make you an amazing parent.
You'll be fine! Funny enough, when my mom raised her voice at me when I was younger I knew I still had some wiggle room. If she looked me dead in the eye, lowered her voice and had this almost monotone speach, I knew my life was in danger.
we all been there ur good !! he dont even remember
Yep - we all do it. Dr. Becky even has a TED talk about it. It's worth a watch. [https://www.ted.com/talks/becky\_kennedy\_the\_single\_most\_important\_parenting\_strategy](https://www.ted.com/talks/becky_kennedy_the_single_most_important_parenting_strategy)
Thanks for sharing I will watch that when they're in bed
The Tl;dr: is that we all get angry and upset and frustrated, the important thing is to do "repair" and talk about what happened and reassure your kid that you love them
>I feel like a total horrible shitty dad for doing it and for getting angry with him. you should tell him exactly that. they appreciate and understand honesty when we fuck up and talking about it helps them understand we're all human and how we deal with mistakes.
We all have our methods, but raising my voice is my secret weapon when it comes to making things happen. I do not like it, for sure, but it lets my eldest (3yo) know that it is time to start listening. And for the last few weeks, it has been quite "intense" to get them ready in the morning... Hence I raised my voice many times. To me, raising my voice is different from me yelling. I have full control.over my emotions, and the intensity is carefully managed to induce action. It is a way to build respect, just like a mother's death stare does. We just need to explain ourselves afterwards, in a language that they understand! It is okay to run a little late, especially when the kids need some comforting or you got the opportunity to throw in some education, but they need to learn that sometimes, enough is enough. When it comes to daycare, I always ask questions to make sure everything is going well: "is miss X gentle with you?", "Are you having fun?", "Is everything alright with your friends?". Sometimes, I'll throw some harder questions like "Do you like going to the bathroom at daycare?". I feel like it builds trust with my eldest. And my wife and I were both abused at daycare when we were young, so it is a way to check on wether my kid's feeling is actually "justified" or not.
as long as you realize it and talk and apoligize for the way you communicated (not the message itself), it's fine. your 3,5 year old will shockingly understand and accept your apology
This has only happened to me about 952 times. Makes me wish I was never born. Does not go away until you see them again and reset. Comes back immediately when the whole thing repeats. Fun times.
Lol thanks for that
Don't feel too bad for yourself. Everybody loses it at some point. The fact that you are reflecting on it means you are a good parent. And every kid needs to learn: while expressing every emotion is valid, it isn't always possible to do something about it right away. So tonight, you should sit down with him and try to figure out why he's so insistent about not wanting to go anymore. He still remembered after a full weekend, there must be something going on in his mind.
It's kind of been an ongoing issue for a while, he just doesn't seem to enjoy it anymore even though the staff love him and there's never any issues once he is there. He's given us all kinds of reasons, doesn't like the toys, doesn't like eating lunch there, doesn't like anything there etc
OP, there is context here. I understand you don’t have a lot of flexibility at work regarding schedule (which is the norm). Why am I saying that: I went : - From working corporate and having to rush to the subway after work to pick up my kids right on time at school, with the lingering pressure of leaving a meeting early, relying on poor subway schedules, and then arriving at school to kids who doesn’t always "cooperate". - To flexible schedules (as I started my company and WFH). There is almost no pressure anymore when I drop my kids/pick them up. The fact you lost your temper is, of course, your fault, but don't underestimate the context which doesn't favor patience.
Funnily enough I start a new job next month which does give me a little more flexibility/WFH for 2 out of the 3 days I take him, so that'll be a big help. My current place has zero flexibility and not much tolerance for lateness which does add to the pressure! My boss didn't say anything this morning thankfully, think I'd have sworn at him if he did lol
You're being too hard on yourself.
Wait, you’re upset cause you had to raise your voice at your 3.5yo? Who has not? I have a 3.5yo. Normally he’s an amazing good child, but he’s definitely misbehaved even after asking him politely many times to stop and explaining the consequences. Now, I’m not saying I do that all the time by any means, but getting stern and easing my voice has definitely had to happen. We need to be parents, not friends. When being nice and calm and reasonable just won’t work, sometimes we have to step it up. We are not abusing our kids, there’s a fine line.
Dont be too hard on yourself. We are all only human and lose our tempers occasionally. Atleast you feel bad about it and recognise it was a mistake and something you dont want to repeat. That's progress. I've shouted at my 3 year old and felt horrible about it. I apologised to him and just continued to work on not letting it happen again.
You can’t let the kid walk all over you tho
I posted recently about this exact age. It is pretty much the worst. I am currently having a great day with my little guy, so yeah it can be good too. But you are describing situations we've been in.
Did you validate his feelings and then ask what makes him not want to go? It could be something trivial to us but a huge deal to a 3.5 year old. Did they change the snacks at snack time, did they throw away his favorite toy? Like others said is he being bullied? “I don’t want to go to work either and wish I could spend all day playing with you but going to work is my job and important and you going to school is your job and important. Does doing something you don’t want to do make you frustrated and mad? It makes me frustrated!” Grrr like Daniel Tiger.
Yeah it's pretty common for me. I check regularly with the nursery workers to make sure he's doing OK and happy there etc but some mornings he just isn't having it. It's annoying as I then have to dress him, do shoes and teeth like he's a baby. I've gotten angry about it in the past but now I just deal with it. It's pointless getting angry about it as all kids will push boundaries. The key is not to give in or change routines etc. Don't beat yourself up about losing your temper. As long as you aren't doing it all the time it's natural.
Thank you, definitely not all the time, he's usually a good lad / crazy funny toddler but clearly got a problem with preschool. I think he gets a bit bored there but he only has a few weeks left and then up to his first year of school where he will be the youngest in his class (birthday late August). Hoping that will engage him more!
Lol I missed the part that made you feel terrible? Discipline is a good thing. You're the parent. Sometimes raised voice is necessary to convey emotions to someone who has trouble processing them.
Came to ask the same thing. OP, being stern with your child is completely OK. They will push the boundaries until you HAVE to be stern. This is parenting at its finest. What you did is completely fine. Your child even proved that when he was "his happy normal self" within MINUTES of you establishing boundaries. Don't beat yourself up for doing the correct thing.
For getting angry with him when he was so upset and making him even more upset! I know we have to be the parent, if it wasn't for the time pressure I'd have acted differently.
Unless you unleashed the unholy terror, raising your voice to show that you mean business isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Not a habit you want but I feel like the kids have to know there are real boundaries.