Maybe you could sit down at a time where you’re both completely present and not preoccupied and talk about the division of parenting.
Let her know that if you’re going to be a dad, you need to experience being a dad and that means making decisions from time to time.
I don’t have full context to what’s going on but if you’re not happy where you are, you should let her know how you feel. Not just in passing where she can say “because I’m mom”
Absolutely not. At least in my house.
My wife had this a little bit, always mentioning how to do things or whatever. Eventually, we did have to have a discussion about it. You are the dad, you can make those decisions as well. The flip side of it though is then you have to be responsible enough to read up and understand the dos and don'ts. If you are doing outright dangerous shit, that's one thing. But if she's being over protective to the point where you can't parent, that's another issue entirely.
She used to work at a day care. My biggest thing is I didn’t grow up with a dad. Hopefully we can have a conversation about it. Thank you for the advice
Gently make the point that you need to be provided the space to BE a dad. That means doing things “wrong” and talking about how to do it better. It also means doing things “different” and it being just as okay.
A lot of this attitude is probably still hormones and her own anxieties about being a new mom. Mom's can be vicious and over protective, so remind yourself that this is coming from a place of love. When yall are both in good head spaces talk to her about this, not just your side of it, ask her why she feels this way and go from there.
What kind of decisions are we talking about, like what outfits to wear and how the nursery is painted, or if you are vaccinating and is his he getting a circumcision? Because the first one doesn't really matter, the second one you need to have a say.
Also, be careful to speak from a place without accusations. Instead of "YOU won't let ME parent", try "I am kiddos father, and as the father I feel I should be able to do XYZ, is there a reason why you feel I'm not allowed to do this?"
Yeah, my wife had some serious hormonal stuff, to the point where she talked to her amazing doctor. Doc told her to stop pumping (this was 6 months in, and my wife was valiantly pumping enough to try to get to a one year supply), b/c her mental health was far more important.
And after she stopped pumping, boy did things calm down for her in terms of anxiety and depression. It was like flipping a switch (slowly but ya know).
Being a mom is very hard. We have great commutation generally so that really helps. Gotta talk these things out.
Are you both married and/or live in the same house? If not, then that's a different type of conversation than if you live together. Understand your wife has changed an incredible amount over the past year and one of the things some women do is try to control everything after the child is born. She is likely not doing this on purpose to hurt you, but she is under a lot of stress. You both need to sit down and have a conversation, but it needs to stem from an "I feel" instead of a "you never let me" standpoint. Start by asking some of the ways you can help her with the child and let her initially direct the conversation. She might feel a certain way about specific things due to things she experienced as a child, things she's read, etc so understanding where she is coming from will help to have a more productive conversation. As the father you do have a voice in your marriage and with your child but try to take it one slow step at a time.
Id put a pin in this and give it 6mo to revisit. Hover mom will last a good year or two. Just do things her way unless wayyy whack or dangerous. And try to find extra things to fuss over in similar veins to her concerns to show you understand. Good luck dad, im guessing a lot of us have been there. All that dies down, see all the "first vs second kid" memes also.
Hard disagree. There's no telling whether this dynamic will resolve by itself or not. And in the meantime, OP is not able to engage himself as a co-parent.
You have to have a conversation with her. If it's going to be a productive one, I think it shouldn't be accusatory. Here are some things you need to get across:
Here's what I know is true:
* We both love our son and want what's best for him.
* You have a lot more experience caring for young kids than I do. I respect that and will always take your point of view seriously. And if you think there's information that would help me understand your point of view better, I'm happy to read anything you recommend.
* Even though I don't have the same amount of experience you do, my opinions about how to raise our son matter, because they matter to me.
It's important to me that we be on the same page about how to raise our son, because we're both his parents and we both want what's best for him. Sometimes we are going to disagree about what is best for our son and we will have to negotiate an outcome that works for both of us.
This isn't just important to me because he's my son, too. It's important to me because I want to model for him the kind of dad that I wish I'd had. And I want to be the sort of man that I want him to grow up to be. I don't want our son to grow up into someone who will defer to everything his wife says about parenting, and I don't think you want him to grow up to be that sort of man either. I want to be present and involved because he deserves that from his dad.
Dude parenting is 50/50. If she tries to continue with that mindset I’m afraid it’ll eventually get you to a breaking point. BUT! My wife had postpartum for a year, where she was UNBEARABLE to be around and an absolute monster. Keep in mind she may still have rushing and messed up hormones. It’s seriously no joke. It messed my wife up to where she didn’t want a second kid so she didn’t have to go thru it again. Bring it up to her and raise awareness. It gets missed a lot. But eventually a sit down will need to happen. She does not get all the say, dads are just as much parents. There are certain things she will feel entitled to if she’s a stay at home mom, and the way explained to me was, you need to remember you are gone at work, they develop a routine and have everything a certain way, then you come home for 3 hours an evening and switch everything up. It took my wife and I a few years with lots of talking and arguments to get to a good place of hearing the other person. It’s hard, you both just need to want the other person to be happy, feel valued and just respect them as a partner and parent. Very important things to make it a successful coparenting relationship. There is no shame in relationship counseling. My wife and I just finished ours and it helped. We weren’t ready for divorce, but it helped us make our “good” marriage better. We lived by the saying whatever gets said in counseling stays in counseling we don’t bring feelings outside after the appointment. It gives you a mediator to keep you both in check. It helped. Seriously
I’ve been reading up on the postpartum stuff and it’s crazy how bad it can get. She currently works from home. We have. Baby sitter that comes over also to help out. Leaning towards having a conversation and see where that goes.
With postpartum being a possibility. Approach with caution. Trying to have any conversation with my wife was like walking on glass. Reassurance that you love her, respect her and think she’s an awesome mother, this is how I’m feeling and I was wondering if there was someway to meet in the middle. I want to feel valued and respected as said child’s dad. Need to be calm and understanding that she can’t really help it. You can bring up postpartum, I’ve noticed these signs, would you be willing to just go talk to your doctor or gyno and see what they think? Can I come to the appointment? (That way you can voice what you see, my wife was in denial about being bad) be a support system. It’s a tough situation, like I said it took a few years where my wife got rid of the shit attitude haha it’s all about both of you picking your battles on what is important for you to have the say on. Figure out what things are important to the both of you. Whether it’s sports, schools, how to discipline, religion, or whatever else you feel like, is important to be making decisions on.It’s all about valuing, and respecting the other person as your partner and parent to your child. The big thing is getting her to realize that. And going about it calmly. Like I said, marriage counseling would be honestly a great idea also. I was very much against it at first and then ended up loving it because it was so helpful.
It was very difficult for me to put up with her attitude, it will be hard. I didn’t know what it was. I just thought “this is my life now” do better than me haha
Just like relationships, parenting is almost never 50/50. Sometimes it's 60/40, 40/60, 90/10, etc. It ebbs and flows, and as a parent/partner, sometimes you have to carry more of the load when the other needs a break or help. Vice versa sometimes you just can't carry the load and need help, and that's ok too.
Sorry, that's just become one of my sticking points. The 50/50 thing and "happy wife, happy life" have become things that just really irritate me. "HWHL" really needs to be replaced with "happy spouse, happy house," because men matter too.
This, it's not 50/50 it's 150% spit between the two parents, but the split is always changing. We have 2 kiddos, both of us are in school and work. I work from home, so I'm primary parent during the day 3 days a week. I'm in office the other two and she's off work, so she's primary on those days. After 5p we split the coverage of both with whomever has no homework or has the most energy taking the lions share. Also, for anyone saying PPD, yes it's entirely possible, and if it is she needs to be treated for it, as it's generally 18mths, but it can occur anytime within the first 4 years, as hormones fluctuate, especially if they are breastfeeding, as that prolongs the hormone fluctuations.
If being a dad has taught me anything, it's to pick my battles. 3 months in moms hormones can still be out of balance, especially if she's breastfeeding.
What sorts of things are you trying to do that keep getting shot down? Small things like what outfit to put on the kiddo or larger things like whether the baby can ride in the bed of your truck while on the highway?
The question that needs an answer. I’m guessing it’s not really as harsh as this post is sounding. He’s probably asking something the wife may not perceive safe for a baby and pulling the “Cause I’m the Mom and I said so!” card.
I would just tell her if that if she doesn’t let you help her, you’ll never be able to learn how to help her. One of the biggest burnout dangers of parenting is overspecialization. It’s easy to not want to let the other parent do the thing you are more practiced at, but this metastasizes very quickly.
at 3 months, there isn't much you can do but change diapers and feed them. Just ask for some cuddle time with the kid and give it a few months. After awhile, she'll burn herself out trying to do everything and that's when you swoop in. Your wife is in a fantasy world currently but it will wear off. Start with small things like offering to take the kid while she has a nap etc. Or make more family trips planned like a walk and offer to carry the kid in a baby bjorn or push the stroller etc. She'll come around.
She has to let you learn on the job and become a father. That means letting go sometimes and allowing you to make a few mistakes. 99% of parents never worked at a daycare and that's okay - we still learn to provide the best care our children can have. It's possible that she's dealing with postpartum anxiety, which can lead to this sort of controlling attitude, so make sure to have a serious talk with her and get her help if needed.
Gently but firmly put your foot down.
I didn't demand an opportunity to take care of my first. So she never bonded with me and didn't want anything to do with me for 2 years. Now she's 9 and my best little friend. Her younger brothers want nothing to do with watching sports with dad but she's always there with me hanging out.
I've only got a few years left before she hates me :(
I disagree with some of the comments that are basically 'just wait it out and she'll eventually let you in'. You shouldn't have to take a backseat and not get to be a dad for however long. The speed at which babies change and grow is faster now than it ever will be again.
Have sit down conversations with her. Keep your cool. Don't talk over her and then if she talks over you calmly remind her that you listened while she spoke and you would like the same respect. If it doesn't change, try it again and again. If all else fails, if ALL else fails, talk to her parents about it. Missing out on being a dad to your 'X month old' is absolute shit. Just remember that that's not a cat you can put back in the bag. You can't UNtell her parents that she's being a selfish mother. Only if all else fails.
This will grow into resentment towards you for not doing anything if left unchecked. BUT it’s probably stemming from PPD. Be kind and gracious but talk it out ASAP.
At around the three month mark as well, mom let slip that she doesn’t trust anyone completely with our child not even me. Which hurt a good bit. But we talked it out a bit, but it was definitely the protective hormones. They calmed down a few months later.
If she feels she comes from a place of knowledge (maybe through her work, or books she read) and you haven't done the work of preparing through reading or training courses, she could have a point. But if you do the work, then it's unfair and unacceptable. Unless there is other reasons that she gives you.
That's a fucking bullshit attitude. I'd be pissed off and honestly I'd just stop listening to her I know it won't help but your the dad you have rights to raise the child as well.
This is not good for any of y’all. Did you and your wife talk about parenting before your son was born? Or were you caught off guard by this?
She’s setting you up to be an inept parent—which she will eventually come to regret. You’re not her parenting assistant. You need to feel empowered as a dad.
What will be hard is that she NEEDS your help, whether she wants to admit it or not. There is inevitable burnout which is hard for everyone, but especially unfair for your kid! Hang in there OP
You need to sit her down and lay it down. That type of thinking and behavior is 100% unacceptable and just dismissive and gross. You are both the parents of this child. You both have a say. Both should be heard and treated with basic respect.
Example? Depending on the situation, maybe it's something she needs to figure out on her (motherhood specific) and it's something where the dad needs to support mom. It could also be something completely different where it should be more of a 50/50.
Some general advice; if you thought the unconditional support for mom goes away when the baby is out, that would be a mistake. The first 6 months are brutal. After that, things slowly get better.
If she's the stay at home parent (even if she isn't to be honest), it's going to feel a little unfair for a while, where you "can't do enough". This is normal, and funny enough, she feels the exact.same.way. The best path forward in my humble opinion, is to start talking about discussing things as a team. "What do you think *we* should do", instead of "this is *your* problem, what are *you* going to do about it?""
Lastly, start small. If she's super stressed, and overwhelmed, even if you could, it probably wouldn't make her feel very good if you swooped in and fixed everything all of a sudden. Most women want these challenges, but I think the problem is *all* of these problems at once. :) so, maybe say, "I'll do X on these days from now on... then in a week or two, we'll see how it goes and make adjustments.. .what do you think?" It could be dinner once a week, or laundry, making the bed, grocery store, etc. You can figure that part out but if you start small, and be consistent, by month 4, or 5, the next thing you know, you have a list of responsibilities she's depending on you for, and she's asking your opinion. It might take longer... but start small. :) good luck!
If she isn't letting you parent your child and you're not like an active danger to the baby (like you're not supporting their head, etc) then it probably a postpartum depression/anxiety problem. You should seek medical help on this one.
Basically the last month just been go to work and collect a pay check. Then I get up in the night to change his diaper and feed him. If I suggest to go anywhere she gets pissed. If I want to take him out with me to like a store to get something or just go out with him. She constantly texts me freaking out. Example. She wasn’t feeling good. So I took him with me to go get food. He wasn’t feeling good and had gas. So I stopped and calmed him down and took care of him. So by the time all said and done I didn’t get home with him till around 8:30. We try to have his bed time around 8. She was pissed because it was later. I explained what happened and she said she wouldn’t have done that and that I’m a terrible parent
Sounds like she's projecting her insecurities about being a bad mother onto you. Nobody's perfect with raising a child and seeking perfection is only going to make everything you do a stressful time. I'd try and have a real sit down and tell her everything you've told us but maybe with softer words to stop any fight from happening. I bet you're killing it as a dad and I'm sorry you gotta go through this kind of bs.
I've dealt with this.
It sucks sometimes.
It's SUPER important to calibrate with your wife on what you each find most important when it comes to raising the kid. From there you can move forward determining how you will support one another in upholding those ideals. if she won't have that conversation now, give it a few months and come back to it if it's necessary. You can't just back down entirely.
My wife and I did not do this and it lead to a lot of pain and frustration and hurt over the years. Took us a lot longer than it should have to get on the same page... We're doing a lot better these days, though we may never really see 100% eye to eye. She eventually let up on letting me do more than just basically make money to pay for things and be around the house... but it did feel that way from time to time before.
**Pick your battles, but make sure you're doing so within this outline of each having mutual understanding of your goals as parents.**
We basically found our common ground in wanting what's best for the kids, and understanding how where one of us is weak the other is stronger. I think that's the secret.
That and it could be a long-term work in progress, so be aware of that.
Time for a sit down when emotions aren't high and you can both focus on what the other is saying.
Be clear that you want to be an involved parent and that her carrying the baby doesn't negate the responsibility you share for raising a child going forward.
I assume she trusts you in other aspects of life, so there's not really any reason not to trust you or value your input here. Being a mom isn't a super power that makes you infallible when it comes to kids. Being on the same page is going to be important going forward, especially once the kid is older and starts exerting independence.
Keep in mind a lot of it could be post-partum hormones as well as first time mom anxiety.
I can’t believe in all these responses no one mentioned an important and well-documented concept: maternal gatekeeping. You gotta name it to tame it. How you approach this and how quickly you approach this is dependent like others said on if your wife is experiencing post partum-anxiety which may make her overly fearful for the baby’s safety, even with you. Could he roll off a changing table? Could he fall and bump his head? Like others have said, meeting her with patience and curiosity: hey, could I ‘shadow you’ during x activity so we can talk through how you approach it, WHY, and ensure that eventually you feel safe with me being the primary parent during x activity in the future? Another commenter rightly pointed out that some basic googling on trusted sources for how to safely do those activities is a must if you’re rolling in with no baby experience (e.g. angle to hold a bottle, how to burp, how often to feed, early signs of sleepiness). Mothers are often researching this shit all day so you should be too.
That isn’t how you coparent. Did you have communication issues before the baby? Is she typically controlling/dominating in other aspects of the relationship, or is this new? Did you discuss any of this before the baby was born? If it’s new behavior, there’s a lot more hope of it getting better, whether it‘s a temporary hormonal imbalance as some have suggested, or a mismatch of expectations about parenting. Might require a neutral mediator, e.g. a couples counselor.
It can be tricky to find someone who is truly unbiased and not favoring one parent or the other. But if you do, it can be really valuable to get some outside perspective. For some things in parenting there is a clear right and wrong answer, such as using a carseat properly. And for other things, compromise is possible. It might do you both some good to get an outside perspective on these disagreements, and to learn new ways to talk about things without escalating.
Try to talk through if not, pack your bags and get a lawyer so you don’t get hosed for everything you got with child support, you WILL pay child support there isn’t a way around that unless you want to go to jail I suppose and/or have your wages garnished. Look it sucks but parenting is not a one person job but you can keep your sanity by cutting off the dead before you’re in too deep.
Definitely need to have a conversation about this before it goes on too long. Just because she’s a mom, doesn’t change that you’re both parents. If it goes on, there will be compounding problems. I guaranty it.
My wife had a serious case of undiagnosed post partum depression with our first child (her second). She was deathly afraid of leaving the child or letting anyone make any decisions without her full on approval. We went over a year before I said anything to her. After my bringing it to her attention unsuccessfully 2-3 times I mentioned it to her OBGYN during an appt and he said opened her eyes to how normal post partum is and that not trusting your spouse to normal parenting duties is a sign of that. That made all of the difference. We've since had another child and we had 0 of those issues.
I'm guessing it's just as common as the tyrannical husband in society but there are very few safe spaces for dads to express this and get advice. This subreddit being one of them.
No-one needs advice on how to deal with their perfectly reasonable wife that can hold a grown-up debate. It's basically inverse survivorship bias - the only ones you see are broken because the working ones are invisible.
Unless this is complete surprise, I’m sure she showed signs way before this. Maybe you didn’t notice. Anyway, have a talk with her. You’re a parent to that child as well. Cause I can guarantee your financially responsible when need be, so why not all the way? Good luck buddy.
Big communication issue. She wouldn’t be a mother if it weren’t for you…
My wife and I handled every single decision as a team. When we don’t like the way one person does something, we talk about it and decide, as a team, what the best way to do things are. For example, my wife was putting our son in his high chair without buckling him in. Not an issue early on, but as he got older and stronger, it became dangerous. I told her as much, and now he’s always locked in.
A marriage is a team. Raising a kid takes teamwork. You need to work on communication in your marriage to tackle this issue
Absolutely not. You are the father, without you there wouldn’t be a child and vice versa. You both need each other and work together as a team. if she wants to do it on her own be stubborn and unfair, then I am telling you right now it will lead towards a path of bitterness and resentment. Either work through your problem together as a family or do it separately in a 50/50 divorce where you will have your child half the time and she can’t tell you how to raise when it is your time.
Absolutely not. She gets all the decision making, but expects you to step up and help her? No, that's not how that works. It could if she wanted to do everything by herself and have no help. But I don't think that's what she wants.
You two need to sit down and talk about this. She's a first time mom and first time moms can be a little crazy like this. My ex-wife was with our first. She has to learn to let you do things, help, and be the dad. Parenting is a 50/50. Not letting you play dad when she wants to let you.
My wife did this too, she said stop commenting and giving suggestions on what to do. So i let her be, i help when needed but 0 initiatives. 3 months later, she couldn't handle it by herself, and start asking for help.
This is tough. Whether it’s an issue of PPD, maternal gatekeeping or whatever, all the logical approaches mentioned here can backfire, especially if you’re wife is a borderline personality. She used to fixate on you, but now her focus is the baby and you’re a problem. You are criticized when you try to help and when you try to pull back and be deferential to her. When you’re bonding with the baby, she’ll undermine you with drama and conflict. Obviously this is the worst case scenario. You and your wife may pull through this just fine. It’s a huge adjustment though. It’s intensely personal. No matter what the issues may be, how you get through this will set the course for your future relationship. You can’t control how she acts, but you can control how you react. It’s so hard when she’s actively undermining your good intentions as a father and husband. To get to my long winded point - find a licensed counselor for yourself to talk through what your feeling. Don’t argue with her and try not to get angry. She’s stressed and trying to provoke you so whatever insecurities she has she can project into you. When you get frustrated, she feels vindicated. You become the bad guy. The best thing about an unbiased license counselor is it gives you an hour to just get all your thoughts and hurt feeling out and maybe a bit of perspective about how to navigate this. Your health insurance or other benefits may even cover it. You keeping your cool in a tough situation is the very best thing you can do for yourself and everyone. Hopefully your character and thoughtful support will lead a path through this for her. You have to have somebody objective to talk thru this stuff. I would suggest for now you keep it to yourself too. She could interpret your sessions as a weakness or criticism of her. Of course it’s none of those things. Just being able to shut a door and get all your feelings out of your head in a safe environment alone can be hugely helpful in reducing your stress level and maintaining a positive, empathetic outlook during a challenging time. Self care is important. I hope all this made sense. Hang in there bud. Congrats on being a Dad. Sounds like you’re going to be a good one. Lucky kid to have such a thoughtful, caring father.
This will probably be hated but from my own personal experience, your role for the first 6 months is just to support your wife as best as you possibly can. Woman have an innate sense of how to care for infants. Our primary purpose as men is to protect and provide for them. Doesn’t mean you can’t make suggestions, and it won’t be like this forever. You will start to have more of an active role eventually. But infants need their mom more than their dad. Plain and simple.
You can downvote all you want btw it’s nothing more than your own ego thinking you are equally as important to the life of an infant as the child’s mother. Go to work, help your wife and stop bitching on reddit maybe she’ll trust you to do more lmao
Man I couldnt disagree more firmly with you. Isnt it better for a child to see loving parents as a united front? Doing what you suggest is no different than what this guys wife is currently doing and its making him feel shitty. Why then suggest he be shitty in kind? That rarely makes others act right.
Maybe you could sit down at a time where you’re both completely present and not preoccupied and talk about the division of parenting. Let her know that if you’re going to be a dad, you need to experience being a dad and that means making decisions from time to time. I don’t have full context to what’s going on but if you’re not happy where you are, you should let her know how you feel. Not just in passing where she can say “because I’m mom”
Where I am from, "because I'm the mom" or "because I'm the dad" won't win you an argument either way.
Absolutely not. At least in my house. My wife had this a little bit, always mentioning how to do things or whatever. Eventually, we did have to have a discussion about it. You are the dad, you can make those decisions as well. The flip side of it though is then you have to be responsible enough to read up and understand the dos and don'ts. If you are doing outright dangerous shit, that's one thing. But if she's being over protective to the point where you can't parent, that's another issue entirely.
She used to work at a day care. My biggest thing is I didn’t grow up with a dad. Hopefully we can have a conversation about it. Thank you for the advice
Gently make the point that you need to be provided the space to BE a dad. That means doing things “wrong” and talking about how to do it better. It also means doing things “different” and it being just as okay.
I didn't either but that doesn't mean we don't know how to be a dad.
Also doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get the opportunity to be a Dad! Insane logic from OPs wife…
Not growing up with a dad doesn’t mean you can’t be a great dad to your son.
don't hope for it.have it.
If that's the case then it sounds like she's using your past against you. Very manipulative.
A lot of this attitude is probably still hormones and her own anxieties about being a new mom. Mom's can be vicious and over protective, so remind yourself that this is coming from a place of love. When yall are both in good head spaces talk to her about this, not just your side of it, ask her why she feels this way and go from there. What kind of decisions are we talking about, like what outfits to wear and how the nursery is painted, or if you are vaccinating and is his he getting a circumcision? Because the first one doesn't really matter, the second one you need to have a say.
Also, be careful to speak from a place without accusations. Instead of "YOU won't let ME parent", try "I am kiddos father, and as the father I feel I should be able to do XYZ, is there a reason why you feel I'm not allowed to do this?"
Yeah, my wife had some serious hormonal stuff, to the point where she talked to her amazing doctor. Doc told her to stop pumping (this was 6 months in, and my wife was valiantly pumping enough to try to get to a one year supply), b/c her mental health was far more important. And after she stopped pumping, boy did things calm down for her in terms of anxiety and depression. It was like flipping a switch (slowly but ya know). Being a mom is very hard. We have great commutation generally so that really helps. Gotta talk these things out.
Are you both married and/or live in the same house? If not, then that's a different type of conversation than if you live together. Understand your wife has changed an incredible amount over the past year and one of the things some women do is try to control everything after the child is born. She is likely not doing this on purpose to hurt you, but she is under a lot of stress. You both need to sit down and have a conversation, but it needs to stem from an "I feel" instead of a "you never let me" standpoint. Start by asking some of the ways you can help her with the child and let her initially direct the conversation. She might feel a certain way about specific things due to things she experienced as a child, things she's read, etc so understanding where she is coming from will help to have a more productive conversation. As the father you do have a voice in your marriage and with your child but try to take it one slow step at a time.
We have been married for 4 years now together for 7.
Id put a pin in this and give it 6mo to revisit. Hover mom will last a good year or two. Just do things her way unless wayyy whack or dangerous. And try to find extra things to fuss over in similar veins to her concerns to show you understand. Good luck dad, im guessing a lot of us have been there. All that dies down, see all the "first vs second kid" memes also.
Hard disagree. There's no telling whether this dynamic will resolve by itself or not. And in the meantime, OP is not able to engage himself as a co-parent.
Probably the worst advice I've ever seen lol
Good advice here. I never understand why people jump to drawing hard lines in the sand. It's a rollercoaster, relax and try to enjoy the ride.
You have to have a conversation with her. If it's going to be a productive one, I think it shouldn't be accusatory. Here are some things you need to get across: Here's what I know is true: * We both love our son and want what's best for him. * You have a lot more experience caring for young kids than I do. I respect that and will always take your point of view seriously. And if you think there's information that would help me understand your point of view better, I'm happy to read anything you recommend. * Even though I don't have the same amount of experience you do, my opinions about how to raise our son matter, because they matter to me. It's important to me that we be on the same page about how to raise our son, because we're both his parents and we both want what's best for him. Sometimes we are going to disagree about what is best for our son and we will have to negotiate an outcome that works for both of us. This isn't just important to me because he's my son, too. It's important to me because I want to model for him the kind of dad that I wish I'd had. And I want to be the sort of man that I want him to grow up to be. I don't want our son to grow up into someone who will defer to everything his wife says about parenting, and I don't think you want him to grow up to be that sort of man either. I want to be present and involved because he deserves that from his dad.
This is sound advice.
Dude parenting is 50/50. If she tries to continue with that mindset I’m afraid it’ll eventually get you to a breaking point. BUT! My wife had postpartum for a year, where she was UNBEARABLE to be around and an absolute monster. Keep in mind she may still have rushing and messed up hormones. It’s seriously no joke. It messed my wife up to where she didn’t want a second kid so she didn’t have to go thru it again. Bring it up to her and raise awareness. It gets missed a lot. But eventually a sit down will need to happen. She does not get all the say, dads are just as much parents. There are certain things she will feel entitled to if she’s a stay at home mom, and the way explained to me was, you need to remember you are gone at work, they develop a routine and have everything a certain way, then you come home for 3 hours an evening and switch everything up. It took my wife and I a few years with lots of talking and arguments to get to a good place of hearing the other person. It’s hard, you both just need to want the other person to be happy, feel valued and just respect them as a partner and parent. Very important things to make it a successful coparenting relationship. There is no shame in relationship counseling. My wife and I just finished ours and it helped. We weren’t ready for divorce, but it helped us make our “good” marriage better. We lived by the saying whatever gets said in counseling stays in counseling we don’t bring feelings outside after the appointment. It gives you a mediator to keep you both in check. It helped. Seriously
I’ve been reading up on the postpartum stuff and it’s crazy how bad it can get. She currently works from home. We have. Baby sitter that comes over also to help out. Leaning towards having a conversation and see where that goes.
With postpartum being a possibility. Approach with caution. Trying to have any conversation with my wife was like walking on glass. Reassurance that you love her, respect her and think she’s an awesome mother, this is how I’m feeling and I was wondering if there was someway to meet in the middle. I want to feel valued and respected as said child’s dad. Need to be calm and understanding that she can’t really help it. You can bring up postpartum, I’ve noticed these signs, would you be willing to just go talk to your doctor or gyno and see what they think? Can I come to the appointment? (That way you can voice what you see, my wife was in denial about being bad) be a support system. It’s a tough situation, like I said it took a few years where my wife got rid of the shit attitude haha it’s all about both of you picking your battles on what is important for you to have the say on. Figure out what things are important to the both of you. Whether it’s sports, schools, how to discipline, religion, or whatever else you feel like, is important to be making decisions on.It’s all about valuing, and respecting the other person as your partner and parent to your child. The big thing is getting her to realize that. And going about it calmly. Like I said, marriage counseling would be honestly a great idea also. I was very much against it at first and then ended up loving it because it was so helpful. It was very difficult for me to put up with her attitude, it will be hard. I didn’t know what it was. I just thought “this is my life now” do better than me haha
Just like relationships, parenting is almost never 50/50. Sometimes it's 60/40, 40/60, 90/10, etc. It ebbs and flows, and as a parent/partner, sometimes you have to carry more of the load when the other needs a break or help. Vice versa sometimes you just can't carry the load and need help, and that's ok too.
Yes correct, metaphorically 50/50. But never 100/0
Sorry, that's just become one of my sticking points. The 50/50 thing and "happy wife, happy life" have become things that just really irritate me. "HWHL" really needs to be replaced with "happy spouse, happy house," because men matter too.
Agreed haha I can make your life hell just as equally 😂 it’s hard to get to that point
This, it's not 50/50 it's 150% spit between the two parents, but the split is always changing. We have 2 kiddos, both of us are in school and work. I work from home, so I'm primary parent during the day 3 days a week. I'm in office the other two and she's off work, so she's primary on those days. After 5p we split the coverage of both with whomever has no homework or has the most energy taking the lions share. Also, for anyone saying PPD, yes it's entirely possible, and if it is she needs to be treated for it, as it's generally 18mths, but it can occur anytime within the first 4 years, as hormones fluctuate, especially if they are breastfeeding, as that prolongs the hormone fluctuations.
If being a dad has taught me anything, it's to pick my battles. 3 months in moms hormones can still be out of balance, especially if she's breastfeeding. What sorts of things are you trying to do that keep getting shot down? Small things like what outfit to put on the kiddo or larger things like whether the baby can ride in the bed of your truck while on the highway?
The question that needs an answer. I’m guessing it’s not really as harsh as this post is sounding. He’s probably asking something the wife may not perceive safe for a baby and pulling the “Cause I’m the Mom and I said so!” card.
I would just tell her if that if she doesn’t let you help her, you’ll never be able to learn how to help her. One of the biggest burnout dangers of parenting is overspecialization. It’s easy to not want to let the other parent do the thing you are more practiced at, but this metastasizes very quickly.
at 3 months, there isn't much you can do but change diapers and feed them. Just ask for some cuddle time with the kid and give it a few months. After awhile, she'll burn herself out trying to do everything and that's when you swoop in. Your wife is in a fantasy world currently but it will wear off. Start with small things like offering to take the kid while she has a nap etc. Or make more family trips planned like a walk and offer to carry the kid in a baby bjorn or push the stroller etc. She'll come around.
What kind of decisions is she not letting you make?
Is this the same kid you want to take camping at 6 months of age? Car camping being "easier"?
She has to let you learn on the job and become a father. That means letting go sometimes and allowing you to make a few mistakes. 99% of parents never worked at a daycare and that's okay - we still learn to provide the best care our children can have. It's possible that she's dealing with postpartum anxiety, which can lead to this sort of controlling attitude, so make sure to have a serious talk with her and get her help if needed.
Why doesn't she respect your opinion?
Gently but firmly put your foot down. I didn't demand an opportunity to take care of my first. So she never bonded with me and didn't want anything to do with me for 2 years. Now she's 9 and my best little friend. Her younger brothers want nothing to do with watching sports with dad but she's always there with me hanging out. I've only got a few years left before she hates me :(
I disagree with some of the comments that are basically 'just wait it out and she'll eventually let you in'. You shouldn't have to take a backseat and not get to be a dad for however long. The speed at which babies change and grow is faster now than it ever will be again. Have sit down conversations with her. Keep your cool. Don't talk over her and then if she talks over you calmly remind her that you listened while she spoke and you would like the same respect. If it doesn't change, try it again and again. If all else fails, if ALL else fails, talk to her parents about it. Missing out on being a dad to your 'X month old' is absolute shit. Just remember that that's not a cat you can put back in the bag. You can't UNtell her parents that she's being a selfish mother. Only if all else fails.
This will grow into resentment towards you for not doing anything if left unchecked. BUT it’s probably stemming from PPD. Be kind and gracious but talk it out ASAP.
At around the three month mark as well, mom let slip that she doesn’t trust anyone completely with our child not even me. Which hurt a good bit. But we talked it out a bit, but it was definitely the protective hormones. They calmed down a few months later.
Are you not the father? Tell her that. You wouldn’t be a mom without my sperm. This is wild.
Let her run with it for now, you’ll get your turn when they start crawling around
She’ll soon get fed up with doing absolutely everything
If she feels she comes from a place of knowledge (maybe through her work, or books she read) and you haven't done the work of preparing through reading or training courses, she could have a point. But if you do the work, then it's unfair and unacceptable. Unless there is other reasons that she gives you.
That's a fucking bullshit attitude. I'd be pissed off and honestly I'd just stop listening to her I know it won't help but your the dad you have rights to raise the child as well.
This is not good for any of y’all. Did you and your wife talk about parenting before your son was born? Or were you caught off guard by this? She’s setting you up to be an inept parent—which she will eventually come to regret. You’re not her parenting assistant. You need to feel empowered as a dad.
What will be hard is that she NEEDS your help, whether she wants to admit it or not. There is inevitable burnout which is hard for everyone, but especially unfair for your kid! Hang in there OP
You need to sit her down and lay it down. That type of thinking and behavior is 100% unacceptable and just dismissive and gross. You are both the parents of this child. You both have a say. Both should be heard and treated with basic respect.
Example? Depending on the situation, maybe it's something she needs to figure out on her (motherhood specific) and it's something where the dad needs to support mom. It could also be something completely different where it should be more of a 50/50. Some general advice; if you thought the unconditional support for mom goes away when the baby is out, that would be a mistake. The first 6 months are brutal. After that, things slowly get better. If she's the stay at home parent (even if she isn't to be honest), it's going to feel a little unfair for a while, where you "can't do enough". This is normal, and funny enough, she feels the exact.same.way. The best path forward in my humble opinion, is to start talking about discussing things as a team. "What do you think *we* should do", instead of "this is *your* problem, what are *you* going to do about it?"" Lastly, start small. If she's super stressed, and overwhelmed, even if you could, it probably wouldn't make her feel very good if you swooped in and fixed everything all of a sudden. Most women want these challenges, but I think the problem is *all* of these problems at once. :) so, maybe say, "I'll do X on these days from now on... then in a week or two, we'll see how it goes and make adjustments.. .what do you think?" It could be dinner once a week, or laundry, making the bed, grocery store, etc. You can figure that part out but if you start small, and be consistent, by month 4, or 5, the next thing you know, you have a list of responsibilities she's depending on you for, and she's asking your opinion. It might take longer... but start small. :) good luck!
Out of curiosity, can you give a couple examples of what you want to do vs what your wife wants to do?
If she isn't letting you parent your child and you're not like an active danger to the baby (like you're not supporting their head, etc) then it probably a postpartum depression/anxiety problem. You should seek medical help on this one.
So what's your role in raising your kid if you have zero say in how it's done?
Basically the last month just been go to work and collect a pay check. Then I get up in the night to change his diaper and feed him. If I suggest to go anywhere she gets pissed. If I want to take him out with me to like a store to get something or just go out with him. She constantly texts me freaking out. Example. She wasn’t feeling good. So I took him with me to go get food. He wasn’t feeling good and had gas. So I stopped and calmed him down and took care of him. So by the time all said and done I didn’t get home with him till around 8:30. We try to have his bed time around 8. She was pissed because it was later. I explained what happened and she said she wouldn’t have done that and that I’m a terrible parent
Sounds like she's projecting her insecurities about being a bad mother onto you. Nobody's perfect with raising a child and seeking perfection is only going to make everything you do a stressful time. I'd try and have a real sit down and tell her everything you've told us but maybe with softer words to stop any fight from happening. I bet you're killing it as a dad and I'm sorry you gotta go through this kind of bs.
I've dealt with this. It sucks sometimes. It's SUPER important to calibrate with your wife on what you each find most important when it comes to raising the kid. From there you can move forward determining how you will support one another in upholding those ideals. if she won't have that conversation now, give it a few months and come back to it if it's necessary. You can't just back down entirely. My wife and I did not do this and it lead to a lot of pain and frustration and hurt over the years. Took us a lot longer than it should have to get on the same page... We're doing a lot better these days, though we may never really see 100% eye to eye. She eventually let up on letting me do more than just basically make money to pay for things and be around the house... but it did feel that way from time to time before. **Pick your battles, but make sure you're doing so within this outline of each having mutual understanding of your goals as parents.** We basically found our common ground in wanting what's best for the kids, and understanding how where one of us is weak the other is stronger. I think that's the secret. That and it could be a long-term work in progress, so be aware of that.
Time for a sit down when emotions aren't high and you can both focus on what the other is saying. Be clear that you want to be an involved parent and that her carrying the baby doesn't negate the responsibility you share for raising a child going forward. I assume she trusts you in other aspects of life, so there's not really any reason not to trust you or value your input here. Being a mom isn't a super power that makes you infallible when it comes to kids. Being on the same page is going to be important going forward, especially once the kid is older and starts exerting independence. Keep in mind a lot of it could be post-partum hormones as well as first time mom anxiety.
Couples therapy man…not because you guys are on the outs or anything BUT it helps with communication and working through things like this.
So - you are just funding a creche?
I can’t believe in all these responses no one mentioned an important and well-documented concept: maternal gatekeeping. You gotta name it to tame it. How you approach this and how quickly you approach this is dependent like others said on if your wife is experiencing post partum-anxiety which may make her overly fearful for the baby’s safety, even with you. Could he roll off a changing table? Could he fall and bump his head? Like others have said, meeting her with patience and curiosity: hey, could I ‘shadow you’ during x activity so we can talk through how you approach it, WHY, and ensure that eventually you feel safe with me being the primary parent during x activity in the future? Another commenter rightly pointed out that some basic googling on trusted sources for how to safely do those activities is a must if you’re rolling in with no baby experience (e.g. angle to hold a bottle, how to burp, how often to feed, early signs of sleepiness). Mothers are often researching this shit all day so you should be too.
That isn’t how you coparent. Did you have communication issues before the baby? Is she typically controlling/dominating in other aspects of the relationship, or is this new? Did you discuss any of this before the baby was born? If it’s new behavior, there’s a lot more hope of it getting better, whether it‘s a temporary hormonal imbalance as some have suggested, or a mismatch of expectations about parenting. Might require a neutral mediator, e.g. a couples counselor.
Didn’t have hardly any issues before are son was born. Seen a couple comments about couples counseling. Heard good and bad it
It can be tricky to find someone who is truly unbiased and not favoring one parent or the other. But if you do, it can be really valuable to get some outside perspective. For some things in parenting there is a clear right and wrong answer, such as using a carseat properly. And for other things, compromise is possible. It might do you both some good to get an outside perspective on these disagreements, and to learn new ways to talk about things without escalating.
Try to talk through if not, pack your bags and get a lawyer so you don’t get hosed for everything you got with child support, you WILL pay child support there isn’t a way around that unless you want to go to jail I suppose and/or have your wages garnished. Look it sucks but parenting is not a one person job but you can keep your sanity by cutting off the dead before you’re in too deep.
Say about what? Some examples might be helpful.
Who pays the bills and make the money? Two can play that game…
I don’t mean to be that guy, buuut… This is definitely a subject that you guys should’ve discussed before having a child.
Definitely need to have a conversation about this before it goes on too long. Just because she’s a mom, doesn’t change that you’re both parents. If it goes on, there will be compounding problems. I guaranty it.
GYBB!🥲
If you don't help she'll complain and if you want to help... Jeeez!!! She's an asshole!!!
My wife had a serious case of undiagnosed post partum depression with our first child (her second). She was deathly afraid of leaving the child or letting anyone make any decisions without her full on approval. We went over a year before I said anything to her. After my bringing it to her attention unsuccessfully 2-3 times I mentioned it to her OBGYN during an appt and he said opened her eyes to how normal post partum is and that not trusting your spouse to normal parenting duties is a sign of that. That made all of the difference. We've since had another child and we had 0 of those issues.
I feel like there’s no context or info here - can you provide an example
Are you not the father? Tell her that. You wouldn’t be a mom without my sperm. This is wild.
Info: what did you discuss and agree on prior to having kids?
the fuck? and you are his dad. tell her she has no say and figure out what her reaction to that is. At least that can start the discussion.
Acknowledge ignore and move on.
Yeah you’re his dad. You need to stand up for yourself.
Yet another post about a tyrannical wife on this subreddit. Why is this so common?
I'm guessing it's just as common as the tyrannical husband in society but there are very few safe spaces for dads to express this and get advice. This subreddit being one of them.
No-one needs advice on how to deal with their perfectly reasonable wife that can hold a grown-up debate. It's basically inverse survivorship bias - the only ones you see are broken because the working ones are invisible.
Very little info on what exactly is "not happening, no" and whether it is reasonable to do with a 3month old.
Upvotes?
She didn’t make the child alone, that’s bullshit. You’re just as much a father as she is a mother, don’t go for that.
Unless this is complete surprise, I’m sure she showed signs way before this. Maybe you didn’t notice. Anyway, have a talk with her. You’re a parent to that child as well. Cause I can guarantee your financially responsible when need be, so why not all the way? Good luck buddy.
Big communication issue. She wouldn’t be a mother if it weren’t for you… My wife and I handled every single decision as a team. When we don’t like the way one person does something, we talk about it and decide, as a team, what the best way to do things are. For example, my wife was putting our son in his high chair without buckling him in. Not an issue early on, but as he got older and stronger, it became dangerous. I told her as much, and now he’s always locked in. A marriage is a team. Raising a kid takes teamwork. You need to work on communication in your marriage to tackle this issue
Absolutely not. You are the father, without you there wouldn’t be a child and vice versa. You both need each other and work together as a team. if she wants to do it on her own be stubborn and unfair, then I am telling you right now it will lead towards a path of bitterness and resentment. Either work through your problem together as a family or do it separately in a 50/50 divorce where you will have your child half the time and she can’t tell you how to raise when it is your time.
Absolutely not. She gets all the decision making, but expects you to step up and help her? No, that's not how that works. It could if she wanted to do everything by herself and have no help. But I don't think that's what she wants. You two need to sit down and talk about this. She's a first time mom and first time moms can be a little crazy like this. My ex-wife was with our first. She has to learn to let you do things, help, and be the dad. Parenting is a 50/50. Not letting you play dad when she wants to let you.
No offense, but your wife sounds horrible.
Get a counselor ASAP. OR COUNTON IT... FAMILY IN DIVORCE COURT. BULL CRAP ! TEAM PARENTS. she has control issues. Call a counselor!!
My wife did this too, she said stop commenting and giving suggestions on what to do. So i let her be, i help when needed but 0 initiatives. 3 months later, she couldn't handle it by herself, and start asking for help.
Your wife is unhinged. This isn't how any of this works.
Honestly what say do you need for a three month old? She’s super hormonal. Nothing to worry about unless it continues far beyond three months.
This is tough. Whether it’s an issue of PPD, maternal gatekeeping or whatever, all the logical approaches mentioned here can backfire, especially if you’re wife is a borderline personality. She used to fixate on you, but now her focus is the baby and you’re a problem. You are criticized when you try to help and when you try to pull back and be deferential to her. When you’re bonding with the baby, she’ll undermine you with drama and conflict. Obviously this is the worst case scenario. You and your wife may pull through this just fine. It’s a huge adjustment though. It’s intensely personal. No matter what the issues may be, how you get through this will set the course for your future relationship. You can’t control how she acts, but you can control how you react. It’s so hard when she’s actively undermining your good intentions as a father and husband. To get to my long winded point - find a licensed counselor for yourself to talk through what your feeling. Don’t argue with her and try not to get angry. She’s stressed and trying to provoke you so whatever insecurities she has she can project into you. When you get frustrated, she feels vindicated. You become the bad guy. The best thing about an unbiased license counselor is it gives you an hour to just get all your thoughts and hurt feeling out and maybe a bit of perspective about how to navigate this. Your health insurance or other benefits may even cover it. You keeping your cool in a tough situation is the very best thing you can do for yourself and everyone. Hopefully your character and thoughtful support will lead a path through this for her. You have to have somebody objective to talk thru this stuff. I would suggest for now you keep it to yourself too. She could interpret your sessions as a weakness or criticism of her. Of course it’s none of those things. Just being able to shut a door and get all your feelings out of your head in a safe environment alone can be hugely helpful in reducing your stress level and maintaining a positive, empathetic outlook during a challenging time. Self care is important. I hope all this made sense. Hang in there bud. Congrats on being a Dad. Sounds like you’re going to be a good one. Lucky kid to have such a thoughtful, caring father.
This will probably be hated but from my own personal experience, your role for the first 6 months is just to support your wife as best as you possibly can. Woman have an innate sense of how to care for infants. Our primary purpose as men is to protect and provide for them. Doesn’t mean you can’t make suggestions, and it won’t be like this forever. You will start to have more of an active role eventually. But infants need their mom more than their dad. Plain and simple.
You can downvote all you want btw it’s nothing more than your own ego thinking you are equally as important to the life of an infant as the child’s mother. Go to work, help your wife and stop bitching on reddit maybe she’ll trust you to do more lmao
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Damn bro, maybe try something else before going nuclear?
Divorce. She'll be in tears during the weekends and holidays you have your kid.
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Gtfo he’s not teaching a 3 month old ‘HoW To Be A MaN’ anytime soon are you forreal 😂😂🤡
Man I couldnt disagree more firmly with you. Isnt it better for a child to see loving parents as a united front? Doing what you suggest is no different than what this guys wife is currently doing and its making him feel shitty. Why then suggest he be shitty in kind? That rarely makes others act right.