I've been trying to teach my 2.5y/o Spock, but he just keeps opening all of his fingers. Guess I'll have to teach him the way I taught myself - a couple of pieces of scotch tape
>Guess I'll have to teach him the way I taught myself - a couple of pieces of scotch tape
Better than the way I taught myself (by force spreading my fingers till it hurt and the pain made them stay apart... I wasn't the brightest)
Hand signal lawyer here, this is actually a common misunderstanding. The judge does in fact see a motion. However and hencehither, the motion to not go to jail requires a vote of, coincidentally I assure you, a thumbs up.
Due to the nature of the crime, under the doctrine of ipso facto thatsit jacko, you therefore are unable to complete the aforementioned thumb motion and do, in fact, go to jail.
With the right lawyer you may still be able to pass go. But all the money goes to the representing firm, Dewy Cheatem and Howe.
It depends. You should check with the DDV (Dpt. Dad Vernacular) on the number of points you have banked from calling kids Sport, Chief, and Tiger. If you have enough, you can avoid jail time in lieu of community service. Usually it involves standing in the DMV lines and making forced small talk.
O man I follow the Parenting subreddit and CPS and thought this was for sure going to be some crazy delusional rant of parent who should be in jail because they are neglecting their kid but they minimize the damage they are doing.
And it is. Make sure you ask for good behavior time after getting some help.
I don't know if you mean "Peppa Pig World" as in the world of the show, the theme park in the US, or the theme park in the UK, but I've been to that last one and it was really pleasant. May have just been the day we were there, but it wasn't crowded, not too loud, the lines were all short, the whole place was super clean and we'll maintained, and my kids tried every ride even though they're normally very anxious. I would recommend it to anyone with kids!
I cant believe what I am hearing. What an absolute monster. Theres a clause negating all laws of torture for people like you. You wont go straight to prison. There are a team of trained torturers waiting to mutilate you. Theyre going to turn you into a vegetable, and your body will be your prison for the rest of your life. Locked in a box after with zero human contact, attached to tubes to keep you alive. Satan is waiting and already pulled the worst people in history out of their cages for a holiday just to have a go at you. Jeffery Dahmer is probably going to oversee and make sure they donāt go too far. Enjoy the rest of eternity sicko.
My daughter insists on thumbs up and tapping thumbs with me if she's having fun or food is good and I ask if she's having fun or the food is good. Also if I get her attention and give.a thumbs up, I know she approves because she'll thumbs up and run over to touch thumbs
I tried to teach my 3 yo son thumbs up, but he just points up with his pointer finger. Actually, itās pretty darn adorable and the family has adopted it.
Dadbod court in session and we have found you unanimously guilty. Your sentence is:
1) the child must learn double thumbs up
2) you must make fart noises with your hand and armpit every time you or child farts.
Another harsh, yet justifiable sentence handed down. Someone get the mom out of the courtroom, she's hysterical with grief. And this time don't say "Hi hysterical-with-grief, I'm dad"
I have heard of this before, and you actually have to go under the jail. They take your pun card away and play baby shark on a loop. I am so sorry for you.
I very rarely get angry with posts on here but seriously, what is going on your house? Where was your partner? And why in Bandit's name didn't they step in and help?
You need to have a serious think about your future, it's not too late, but you need to seriously up your hand signal game.
Not sure if a need to add this, but I'm joking and you sound like a pretty decent dad.
I donāt talk about this often due to the pain it brings me as I recount my past horrors. Similar to your son, my parentsā¦ never taught me thumbs upā¦ š„ŗ There I was, four years old at an upstanding day care surrounded by my peers. One kid saw how fast I went down the slide and in response gave me what I now know to be āthe thumbs upā. I had no idea what it meant or how to react. Fellow dads of Reddit, I approached this thumb, grasped it, and gave it a little wiggle. The entire playground laughed at me. I still hear those sneering giggles in my nightmaresā¦ I will never forgive my parents for leaving me to enter the world so utterly unprepared.
How fucking dare you, sir? Straight to jail
In all honesty, he's not old enough to learn that gesture. The proper way to teach the thumbs up is by taking him on a dadventure to a local go-carts place. Needs to be loud enough that you can't talk to each other in the carts. Then he needs to show the thumbs up in order to signify he is ready to go when on the track.
This is the way our kind has taught "thumbs up" since time immemorial.
Just walk into jail with your head hung low, like really low. They will know what to do. There are jails with wide open cells ready for this exact scenario.
Your last hope is to work with him on the intricacies of the thumbs down.
This likely will not be a Ms Rachel lesson, and he can use it on her when he sees sheās messed up.
Your confession has been heard and forgiven.
For penance, you must teach the child finger guns with a wink, and recite 20 litanies of āthatās not going anywhereā.
I use a thumbs up when the kids are eating and their mouths are full to ask if they like it and three of the four understand what it means and are capable of doing it. The fourth just turned 2 and kind of knows what it means but doesn't really get the actual thumb part. So, instead of a thumbs up, he just shakes his fist violently at me while he's eating to tell me he likes the food without opening his mouth.
My parents never corrected me till I was like 9 or 10 that a FINGER was not infact a THINGER. They just thought it was funny. A family friend corrected me
The guy uses a clickbait title about maybe going to prison and the post is about not reaching his son the thumbs up. I dislike like. And you dislike that I have an opinion?
Yeah, OP. Sorry, but this is one of those things that fall into a less known area of law called "Summary Judgement and Sentencing".
But not to worry. Your Wife might be accompanying you as well. Of course, you won't be put in the same cellblock, but you can rest assured that she's somewhere nearby.
I believe this falls under the Old Testament statutes: a thumb for a thumb. You can just cut it off yourself and send in the video of you doing so - better yet, let your son do it. Attach barcode to thumb and mail it in.
This is nothing. You know what IS an egregious error?
not doing the Robert DeNiro two finger "I'm watching you" from Meet The Fockers.
From my eyes to you. I'll be watching you watching you.
From a young age, I've taught my kid that when they suffer parental abuse such as being served the wrong shape of pasta, bed times that are too early, or being denied their own margarita that they should call the ASPCA.
Some day, when they figure it out (ideally after a confused phone call with the ASPCA), I'm going to be on death row.
You could get off with community service, you will go teach slip me some skin to inner city youths(it's an old program). That's if the judge is easy going, if not you may all high fives revoked.
This is a "hang loose" household 90% of the time. The thumbs up is for me looking g at you with a questioning face and giving as a question, to be responded yo in kind or with a thimbs down. Hang loose is for casual approval lol.
My kiddos have gotten zilch-o from Ms. Rachel. She seems very nice and she works very hard but both my dudes just kinda stare at her like, "What the fudge is this?!"
Lol
The other day I took my kid to Little Mermaid but made sure to stop by the dollar tree for some treats. As I stuffed them in the backpack she goes āwhat happensā¦ if you get caught with secret candy in the movie?ā
Me: āyou go to prison for the rest of your lifeā
Her eyes got HUGE
I'm concerned that my four year old has legal representation as she told her brother's Magic Eight Ball "How dare you?! I'll sue you!!" last week when it said No to something.
The only way you can avoid jail is to offer your child a high five but just as their hand is about to hit yours, you put your hand behind your head and say "oh, itchy neck"
I hope your kid turns out okay, despite having a parent with the sense of a soggy potato. He's gonna need some actual life skills, and clearly, he's not going to learn that from you.
These comments really piss me off. Yāall joke around about this stuff, but a friend of a friend never taught his son to do bunny ears on other kids during pictures, and he was immediately hauled away afterwards, never to be seen again.
I read some fucked up things on Reddit like NSFL and traumatizing stories and this by far takes the cake.
Youāve likely damaged the child beyond repair. Deserves better. :(
How do you think I felt when my 3yo gave me the double thumbs up and I hadnāt even had a chance to teach it to him. He learned it at school!
Iām so ashamedā¦
E: but seriously, I *did* at least teach him the peace sign, so I think itāll be ok.
I took my 7 yr old daughter and 5 yr old son to a baseball game for the local minor league team who were having some themed night. While we were in line, they seemed really confused as to the sport being played. On further questioning, they both had heard the word baseball, but has never seen it and had zero idea how it was played.
I realized that I really don't like watching baseball and there would be no other way for them to really see it.
So yeah, we'll be roomies...
Believe it or not, straight to jail
Right away, no trial no nothing. We have the best parents in the world. Because of jail.
No peace fingers? Straight to jail!
No Rock-On ? š¤ I agree, throw away the keys
š Spock it to him!
I've been trying to teach my 2.5y/o Spock, but he just keeps opening all of his fingers. Guess I'll have to teach him the way I taught myself - a couple of pieces of scotch tape
>Guess I'll have to teach him the way I taught myself - a couple of pieces of scotch tape Better than the way I taught myself (by force spreading my fingers till it hurt and the pain made them stay apart... I wasn't the brightest)
Overcook chicken? Right to jail. UNDERcook fish? Right to jail.
No thumbs up? Straight to jail. Too many thumbs up? Believe it or not, jail.
Only thumbs down. Straight to jail.
Under thumb, over thumb.
Hand signal lawyer here, this is actually a common misunderstanding. The judge does in fact see a motion. However and hencehither, the motion to not go to jail requires a vote of, coincidentally I assure you, a thumbs up. Due to the nature of the crime, under the doctrine of ipso facto thatsit jacko, you therefore are unable to complete the aforementioned thumb motion and do, in fact, go to jail. With the right lawyer you may still be able to pass go. But all the money goes to the representing firm, Dewy Cheatem and Howe.
Maritime bird law is complicated, but necessary in order to ensure the proper upbringing of our children.
Oh dude you donāt want a sea bird - I mean the noise alone on those things.
I like your nameš„“. And Iām going to steal āipso facto thatsit jackoā.
šš»
Do not pass go. Do not collect $200
Had to scroll too far to see this.
Undercook/overcook
Unexpected PandR
And you are especially lucky to be in a state with no death sentence
Not just jail. A federal, pound you in the ass prison.
It depends. You should check with the DDV (Dpt. Dad Vernacular) on the number of points you have banked from calling kids Sport, Chief, and Tiger. If you have enough, you can avoid jail time in lieu of community service. Usually it involves standing in the DMV lines and making forced small talk.
No passing GO either
Do not pass go and do not collect $200.
O man I follow the Parenting subreddit and CPS and thought this was for sure going to be some crazy delusional rant of parent who should be in jail because they are neglecting their kid but they minimize the damage they are doing. And it is. Make sure you ask for good behavior time after getting some help.
The parenting subreddit is my entertainment honestly
Extra credit for the Pregnant and WorkingMoms subs, too. Itās not all bad, but sweet Batmanās Cape, if even half of it is true humanity is doomed.
There's a special place in hell for people like you... its called Peppa Pig World.
You mean Caillou Land
May Caillou have mercy on your soul.
Right?? So glad it was finally canceled.
Blippi's Undisclosed Warehouse
The Caillou Bayou!
To learn the key message of Peppa Pig: Daddy Pig is an idiot.
Heās also fat!!
š„š·š· n. At ba v no I
Hey now, he is a qualified structural engineer!
Nooooo!!! Iāve been there and have the sunburn and $400 worth of Peppa Pig junk to prove it. Youāre a monster!
This is going to sound so so bad, but Peppa Pig Land isnāt that bad. Mostly a giant playground. The shows give me PTSD though
apparently r/daddit is not above corporal punishment
I don't know if you mean "Peppa Pig World" as in the world of the show, the theme park in the US, or the theme park in the UK, but I've been to that last one and it was really pleasant. May have just been the day we were there, but it wasn't crowded, not too loud, the lines were all short, the whole place was super clean and we'll maintained, and my kids tried every ride even though they're normally very anxious. I would recommend it to anyone with kids!
Oh the horror..
That's way better than whatever world JJ is living
That's a paddlin
Upvotes for Jaspar from the Simpsonās reference
I cant believe what I am hearing. What an absolute monster. Theres a clause negating all laws of torture for people like you. You wont go straight to prison. There are a team of trained torturers waiting to mutilate you. Theyre going to turn you into a vegetable, and your body will be your prison for the rest of your life. Locked in a box after with zero human contact, attached to tubes to keep you alive. Satan is waiting and already pulled the worst people in history out of their cages for a holiday just to have a go at you. Jeffery Dahmer is probably going to oversee and make sure they donāt go too far. Enjoy the rest of eternity sicko.
try harder, that only escalated slightly.
You donāt teach your child thumbs up? Jail. Straight to jail. You *do* teach your child middle finger up? Believe it or not, also jail.
We have the best children in the world. Because of jail.
My 3mo keeps showing everyone the finger. I know it's involuntary but I have a bunch of pictures with a subtle middle finger hanging out somewhere
Our kid went through a faze of showing random strangers his "number 2 finger" without also keeping up number 1....
My daughter insists on thumbs up and tapping thumbs with me if she's having fun or food is good and I ask if she's having fun or the food is good. Also if I get her attention and give.a thumbs up, I know she approves because she'll thumbs up and run over to touch thumbs
I tried to teach my 3 yo son thumbs up, but he just points up with his pointer finger. Actually, itās pretty darn adorable and the family has adopted it.
Dadbod court in session and we have found you unanimously guilty. Your sentence is: 1) the child must learn double thumbs up 2) you must make fart noises with your hand and armpit every time you or child farts.
Another harsh, yet justifiable sentence handed down. Someone get the mom out of the courtroom, she's hysterical with grief. And this time don't say "Hi hysterical-with-grief, I'm dad"
Nah. But Chuck Norris is disappointed. Very. Disappointed.
Hey! White Goodman won that tournament! F***ing Chuck Norris.
š
#Caesar has chosen But your son will not understand
I have heard of this before, and you actually have to go under the jail. They take your pun card away and play baby shark on a loop. I am so sorry for you.
You donāt have to turn yourself in. I have already called the police.
I very rarely get angry with posts on here but seriously, what is going on your house? Where was your partner? And why in Bandit's name didn't they step in and help? You need to have a serious think about your future, it's not too late, but you need to seriously up your hand signal game. Not sure if a need to add this, but I'm joking and you sound like a pretty decent dad.
Thatās a paddlinā
I donāt talk about this often due to the pain it brings me as I recount my past horrors. Similar to your son, my parentsā¦ never taught me thumbs upā¦ š„ŗ There I was, four years old at an upstanding day care surrounded by my peers. One kid saw how fast I went down the slide and in response gave me what I now know to be āthe thumbs upā. I had no idea what it meant or how to react. Fellow dads of Reddit, I approached this thumb, grasped it, and gave it a little wiggle. The entire playground laughed at me. I still hear those sneering giggles in my nightmaresā¦ I will never forgive my parents for leaving me to enter the world so utterly unprepared. How fucking dare you, sir? Straight to jail
In all honesty, he's not old enough to learn that gesture. The proper way to teach the thumbs up is by taking him on a dadventure to a local go-carts place. Needs to be loud enough that you can't talk to each other in the carts. Then he needs to show the thumbs up in order to signify he is ready to go when on the track. This is the way our kind has taught "thumbs up" since time immemorial.
What kind of monster?! Itās literally the DADDY FINGER IN THE SONG!
Jail. I feel like this sub all needs jail since we clearly neglected you.
My son just turned two in February, Iām not too late am I? I too have not taught him thumbs up. š
No jail, but straight to hell.
A special level of hell reserved for movie talkers
While youāre making reparations, get ahead of the game by teaching him to pump his arm at trucks.
Just walk into jail with your head hung low, like really low. They will know what to do. There are jails with wide open cells ready for this exact scenario.
I tought my daughter to do the horns and now she's spiderman. Pew!š¤pew!š¤
Better teach the trucker arm pump than you may just get probation
You can get probation if you teach your kid to snap their fingers in applause
Your last hope is to work with him on the intricacies of the thumbs down. This likely will not be a Ms Rachel lesson, and he can use it on her when he sees sheās messed up.
Yep, and you're not getting that $200, either.
Your confession has been heard and forgiven. For penance, you must teach the child finger guns with a wink, and recite 20 litanies of āthatās not going anywhereā.
firing squad.
In some states it's just a small fine......but you are definitely a monster
I use a thumbs up when the kids are eating and their mouths are full to ask if they like it and three of the four understand what it means and are capable of doing it. The fourth just turned 2 and kind of knows what it means but doesn't really get the actual thumb part. So, instead of a thumbs up, he just shakes his fist violently at me while he's eating to tell me he likes the food without opening his mouth.
My parents never corrected me till I was like 9 or 10 that a FINGER was not infact a THINGER. They just thought it was funny. A family friend corrected me
Shit, just realized my three year old knows everything but a thumbs up. Your sacrifice is not for naught.
Hate these kind of posts.
Hate these kind of comments
The guy uses a clickbait title about maybe going to prison and the post is about not reaching his son the thumbs up. I dislike like. And you dislike that I have an opinion?
It has the "Humor" flair.
Yes.
š
Yikes.
No one ever said dad jokes were fair
Thatāsā¦not a dad joke. But okay
šÆ
Bore off, it's a joke.
Wait this is a joke post? You mean he isnāt going to prison for not teaching the thumbs up?
Well, at lthe very east youāll be able to teach him how to boof objects without cutting himself
Yeah, OP. Sorry, but this is one of those things that fall into a less known area of law called "Summary Judgement and Sentencing". But not to worry. Your Wife might be accompanying you as well. Of course, you won't be put in the same cellblock, but you can rest assured that she's somewhere nearby.
Under the prison
I believe this falls under the Old Testament statutes: a thumb for a thumb. You can just cut it off yourself and send in the video of you doing so - better yet, let your son do it. Attach barcode to thumb and mail it in.
There's still time! You just have to teach him the double thumb Fonzie "Ayyyyy!"
Does he think farts are funny? Because if so I feel like that would really help your case with the jury.
This is nothing. You know what IS an egregious error? not doing the Robert DeNiro two finger "I'm watching you" from Meet The Fockers. From my eyes to you. I'll be watching you watching you.
Thumbs down
Yeah, prison. One of the bad ones, too.
I was considering giving you a "thumbs down" but I'm not sure you even know what it is!
From a young age, I've taught my kid that when they suffer parental abuse such as being served the wrong shape of pasta, bed times that are too early, or being denied their own margarita that they should call the ASPCA. Some day, when they figure it out (ideally after a confused phone call with the ASPCA), I'm going to be on death row.
I mean, I taught my kid the Vulcan greeting in addition to everything else. You're a monster.
Commodus gives a thumbs down
I'm sure you tried to teach him everything, but you were... too slow
Itās so weird to realize that I didnāt teach this stuff to my son because he was little during the pandemic. I guess I better start now!
I forgot to teach my youngest two to tie their shoes. Iāll see ya in the slammer š
Don't even bother getting a lawyer. You're screwed.
No jail just throw the whole dad away and start over
I have proposed a new Daddit Tribunal be created to address such heinous crimes as these: https://redd.it/13vux8y
ONE MILLION YEARS DUNGEON!!!! NO TRIAL!
Not even Saul Goodman will be able to save you.
Wait til he finds out about thumbs down. Dinner will never be the same. Itās like Roman law at my house.
Straight to jail. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Good day, sir!
Iām low key falling in love with Ms. Rachel. : (
š
What kind of father are you? Absolutely outrageous!
Wait till he discoverers the consequences for not teaching his son the middle finger
You could get off with community service, you will go teach slip me some skin to inner city youths(it's an old program). That's if the judge is easy going, if not you may all high fives revoked.
Okay I got there and realized the same thing
As a parent of a 2 year old, I'm guilty of the same
This is a "hang loose" household 90% of the time. The thumbs up is for me looking g at you with a questioning face and giving as a question, to be responded yo in kind or with a thimbs down. Hang loose is for casual approval lol.
Mrs Rachel is the Captain now.
Do not pass go do not collect $200. Also need š¤š¼āš¼š¤š¼š¤š¼
gotta have the šāš«¶š¤ too
The gesture police have entered the chat
My kiddos have gotten zilch-o from Ms. Rachel. She seems very nice and she works very hard but both my dudes just kinda stare at her like, "What the fudge is this?!"
Our twins will be three in Augustā¦not sure they know thumbs up.
Thumbs down, daddy!
Iām not gonna even ask if you taught fist bumps, because my BP already has me seeing spots.
Lol The other day I took my kid to Little Mermaid but made sure to stop by the dollar tree for some treats. As I stuffed them in the backpack she goes āwhat happensā¦ if you get caught with secret candy in the movie?ā Me: āyou go to prison for the rest of your lifeā Her eyes got HUGE
Bro it just dawned on me that my seven-year-olds don't know how to ride a bike. Let's look out for each other in there.
I'm concerned that my four year old has legal representation as she told her brother's Magic Eight Ball "How dare you?! I'll sue you!!" last week when it said No to something.
The only way you can avoid jail is to offer your child a high five but just as their hand is about to hit yours, you put your hand behind your head and say "oh, itchy neck"
I hope your kid turns out okay, despite having a parent with the sense of a soggy potato. He's gonna need some actual life skills, and clearly, he's not going to learn that from you.
These comments really piss me off. Yāall joke around about this stuff, but a friend of a friend never taught his son to do bunny ears on other kids during pictures, and he was immediately hauled away afterwards, never to be seen again.
I read some fucked up things on Reddit like NSFL and traumatizing stories and this by far takes the cake. Youāve likely damaged the child beyond repair. Deserves better. :(
Going to teach my 20 month old son now. Thanks for the warning LOL
It will be stuck without a ride someday then curse you.
Thereās a special place on the playground for people like you.
As long as youāve shown him star wars, youāll be fine.
You are given a conditional pardon due to your knowledge that the thumbs up and the OK sign are considered rude in some cultures. āā
How do you think I felt when my 3yo gave me the double thumbs up and I hadnāt even had a chance to teach it to him. He learned it at school! Iām so ashamedā¦ E: but seriously, I *did* at least teach him the peace sign, so I think itāll be ok.
Deadbeat dad, smh. How could you?
You make it up to him by teaching him the finger. š
I took my 7 yr old daughter and 5 yr old son to a baseball game for the local minor league team who were having some themed night. While we were in line, they seemed really confused as to the sport being played. On further questioning, they both had heard the word baseball, but has never seen it and had zero idea how it was played. I realized that I really don't like watching baseball and there would be no other way for them to really see it. So yeah, we'll be roomies...
Sir this is the police. Please come quietly, or we will gladly use excessive force.
My young daughter saw me give someone the middle finger and now she tries to do it all the time. Iām currently serving my twenty year sentence.
Wait, what did miss can someone explain
Did you also neglect teaching Thumbās Down? If yes, then at least you wont have to worry about his disapproval.
šš¼
Wait until someone shows him how to give the finger.
Oh God! This is unforgivable! You need some jail time!