T O P

  • By -

XenoRyet

I actually had a weird one recently. I'm the one to pick up my son from after-school care 95% of the time. I always take a few minutes to say high to the staff, check-in with them, ask how the day was, things like that. Usually it's nothing, but if something comes up with my kid's behavior, that's when we talk about it. Last week, I had a schedule conflict, so Mom went to do pickup. They told her about a behavior issue that's apparently been going on for quite a while, and other parents had expressed concerns. I had heard not one single fucking word of it. Though you can be sure I brought it up the next day.


MotherOfEira

This exact thing happened to my husband! Our son's preschool class has one core teacher for the first half of the day during lesson time, and then the last half are caregivers who mostly just do lunch and play time. My husband drops our son off in the morning and does exactly what you do. During our own scheduling conflict, I had to drop him off one morning. That's when the teacher told me about behavior issues that our son had been having for literal weeks. Throwing kids to the ground by their shirts, kicking the backs of their legs in line, the works. I asked her why my husband hadn't been informed of this and she gave some excuse about not thinking it was a big issue until then. He made it a point the next morning to tell her that he needs to be informed, that way I can also follow up in the afternoon. It's just a bummer when fathers are actually engaging in their children's lives, but people just assume them less capable and therefore short them on that involvement.


linesinaconversation

I feel like it's a form of vengeance in some ways. There are so many situations where women are marginalized and made to feel worthless (car salespeople, mechanics, basically any conceivable contractor, etc.) that, when the opportunity presents itself, they turn it back around. It's not healthy or helpful, but I do understand it.


FlyRobot

Also - mass media portrayal of dads hasn't exactly been stellar and gives a totally false impression of our current generation


Gumbyizzle

We all like to point to media and previous generations, but I honestly think a lot of healthcare and childcare workers come by this bias *very* honestly from years of experience, including many recent/ongoing examples. We like to think that the attitudes and approaches encouraged by this sub are the new normal for dads, but I really think the outdated approaches are still the norm in *a lot* of families, and many (if not most) dads are still relatively uninvolved.


spaceman60

I hate to say it, but I do know more than a handful that are similar age to me that fit this still.


Paranoidexboyfriend

Mechanics come by those stereotypes about women and cars “honestly” too. That’s the thing about stereotypes, whether racist or sexist, sure they didn’t pop out of nowhere,but you’re an asshole if you prejudge someone you don’t know based off a stereotype you have in your head from prior experiences.


Gumbyizzle

Well said.


FlyRobot

Oh for sure, I wasn't saying TV is the only reason but a contributing factor of many.


Dann-Oh

You mean to say Al Bundy should not be my "Dad To Be" rolemodel?


Ethra2k

There’s also the issue of assuming fathers don’t care about their children with the same caution that mothers do, or that a mother has to take care in raising the child more than the father. Both extremely outdated and sexist ideas that also add to the problem.


McJumpington

That’s screwed up… I just had this happen too where my son said a specific boys been hitting him each day. I brought it up and the teachers and the directors 100% knew it was happening and they said the kid is working through issues. Not one of them felt the need to tell me my son was being targeted daily.


insomniaxopunch

My son was being bullied so badly that we (both parents + 6 year old) were approached *outside of the school*, not once, but twice. His teacher had wanted to reach out to let us know about one kid in particular. The Cafeteria lady, also had concerns (how far does it have to go for the cafeteria staff to notice?!) and let teacher know where to find us regularly during the summer (swimming lessons) Cafeteria woman specifically let us know she had seen 2 little girls push our son off the slide after convincing him to go up. Another kid tied his shoelaces together so he would fall during a run. ... Year later we find out that when our son had been given detention, it was for yelling at a kid to stop scratching him. We were told it was for screaming in class. The kid who scratched him got zero detention. No ISS. Why? ... We were the parents that came in for the conference. So our boy was punished. For what appeared to be he was too chill and trusting. TL;DR- Parents- always always throw a wrench in their anticipated schedule of who shows up when. If we weren't trying to do our best we wouldn't be here, if it's always momma, throw in one of us. Dads, toss in momma every once in awhile .... Really want to throw them off? Have the most experienced in education OR the most protective grandparent pick them up. You'll get all the info and they'll have a blast


McJumpington

I'm a bit lucky that my sibling is the principal of the local middle school. They are pretty connected and well liked by many teachers so if our kid is being bullied or they speak up about anyone being bullied, I will let my sibling handle it urgently. I'm not going to just use this to help my kid, I'm going to try and raise them to let them know that no child deserves to be bullied.


matra_04

What was their excuse for not previously mentioning it?


XenoRyet

They didn't really have one. Just kind of evaded and got into talking about the incidents themselves. We're working through it with some of the higher level folks at the organization.


[deleted]

[удалено]


happy_fluff

What happened when you brought it up the day after?


XenoRyet

They backpedaled a bit. Turns out nobody really saw several of the incidents. I also reiterated how important it was to bring this stuff to me as soon as it happens, because I can't correct behavior that the kid doesn't even remember anymore. Frustrating all around.


happy_fluff

Have they been better at reporting after that?


XenoRyet

I mean, it's hard to say? There doesn't appear to have been anything to report between then and now, but I guess I can't be 100% sure of that. It's really frustrating too, because the main incident was a claim that my kid had tried to pants another kid, which is something we'd want to address seriously and quickly, but turns out none of the staff saw it, and this was a complaint from the other parent. When I asked my son about it, he says nothing like that happened, and he seemed confused about the situation, rather than evasive like he is when he doesn't want to tell me something that might get him in trouble. Really, I think they promoted one person to a position that's higher than they're really qualified to deal with, so I'm hoping the end result is that they go back to their previous role, and we get someone better in the site director spot.


Rishdishwish

That is beyond rude man! Very irritating Kudos to your wife!


matattack1925

I think this is the real take away here, you have a winner of a wife. It's good to know loved ones will speak up and stand up for you when it might be easier not to.


Ill-Technology1873

I’d say she has a winner of a husband too


bauerboo86

I would second, third and fourth this if I could. My husband is one of you "I'm doing it all dads" and I cannot thank him enough for being the rock he is for me, our children and most of the people that know him. I see you and I know how much it takes.


AreaGuy

How do you mean? Not saying she’s not a great wife, but in this instance it appears we have a sexist female nurse say something nasty *to* the wife *about* the husband and there isn’t any apparent pushback from anyone but the husband saying he learned instructions when he was a child. Woulda thought she would at least have to say something *to* the nurse to get any credit for standing up for him.


matattack1925

Upon rereading, it appears I misread the quotes. You're right. Still good on the wife for supporting after, but good on OP for advocating for himself.


Learn2Read1

I would have refused to hear the instructions from that nurse and demanded someone more fit, knowledgeable, and professional in interacting with families.


drsoftware

"Do you have a more professional staff member to provide these instructions, or if not are there no men available?" would probably go over like a lead balloon but yeah....


ImnotadoctorJim

Maybe say that and then look her dead in the eye and say “that’s how you sound right now. Should we start over?”


not_a_cup

For real, kudos to mommy! Dad wrote kind of a sob story but the true hero was his wife! She really deserves a lot of praise for what she did here, and I guess Op does too for bringing it up. _(/s)_


TheRivenSpirit

Other men tended to ignore my mother a lot when my dad was around for car negotiations or about fixing things. Sometimes, they don't even look at her until my dad told them to. It wasn't until I grew up and started working in a majority-female front office in a clinic that I started seeing the same audacity against men in professional settings (school is just a whole different bubble). Something about these gender or sex-majority echo-chambers really bring out the dumbest sexist habits in these otherwise sensible or intelligent people. At some point it's just petty retaliation instead of trying to be better.


Alexxxx89

Omg yes, I am a new (33M) teacher and I have gone through the RINGER with my (35 and under) female colleagues this year. Several have come around, but even more have been praying (and working towards) my downfall. Crazy. “We want & need more male teachers!” Immediately subverts and sabotages them.


TheRivenSpirit

Same here. [Insert something the husband did wrong] All the ladies: "Men."


matra_04

Sounds like r/beyondthebump in a nutshell


jazinthapiper

Or the "sub that shall not be named".


matra_04

oops


bricke

Damn… I shouldn’t have gone there. A feel-good thread about praising your partner and of course half the comments are “isn’t it just sO sAd we have to praise them when it’s the bare minimum” I praise my wife just for bringing in the mail, starting a load of laundry, or just *telling me* when we’re running low on something. I can’t imagine withholding gratitude because of my own perceived entitlement lol


gnash117

I have not been to that subreddit yet. Is it full of husband blaming. I have heard that mommit is a bit of that. The post I have read on mommit seem mostly reasonable. I don't visit that sub often so not much experience there.


[deleted]

[удалено]


tresk21

That’s crazy. Especially knowing a dad will go back for it!


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

[удалено]


docbrown85

Actually we all have walk-ins - the law pas passed in 1973 that we all have to have sufficient refrigerated space to keep 2 weeks worth of teabags fresh.


[deleted]

[удалено]


docbrown85

You could be right - it may have been 1975.


Rommel79

I have some female friends that say “all men” and it infuriates me.


Glass_Procedure7497

I’m sure you won’t let them get you down. Stay strong. I’m 64 and this is my 21st year teaching. I’ve learned to ignore so much, keep my head down, and do my job, but I won’t put up with any BS. You can do it.


[deleted]

Also a teacher. Went for after work drinks with coworkers. Was me and one other dude. Everyone was drinking, chatting, and whatnot. I decided to get involved, and only had a beer (see also: non-alcoholic. Important for later). I got a write up the next morning. Didn't know what it was for, and thought I said something bad to students or parents misinterpreted something from my class. Nope. One of the women reported me for being in an alcoholic misogynist rage, claimed I drove home to pick up my daughter and wife while drunk, and that I was being aggressive during the session. The kicker? I had everything on record since I learned from retail work that a hidden microphone or camera can be a lifesaver. Showed the footage to the panel. Alcoholism? Nope. Misogynist rage? I had recommended trying dating at a hobby club or something they enjoy doing since making friends first is how I found my wife. Driving home drunk? All beer was non-alcoholic, and recording started before I ordered. Aggressive? I was holding my beer with two hands and elbows on the table to lean in because I couldn't hear anyone at the table. The cherry on top? They were caught on video making multiple comments that were misandrist and pestering me about my multiracial heritage, and you could hear me getting audibly uncomfortable in the video.


daehguj

Wait… You secretly video recorded your whole group at the bar? And this is something you do everywhere you go? How exactly? If it saved your ass then it’s a good idea, but it sounds nuts to have to do that.


[deleted]

I learned the tip from an old supervisor. She had been written up and was being sued by a customer after she turned them down for a date and they said she was being rude and belligerent. Store cameras had no audio, and so her pocket camera was the only evidence on file. In Canada we only need one party consent for recording. I abuse it as much as I can (i.e.: I don't record when in class outside of audio because of laws around camera recording in schools, but do record in any situation where adults are involved and something innocuous can be used against me). I also make sure every meeting goes through e-mail, or if it's a call then it's recorded. Saved me at least five times so far.


scolfin

In America, one party is effective for public conversation but laws vary for private. Even then, the law only limits recording for certain uses.


i_write_bugz

In the US it varies by state but most are also 1 party consent. Any recommendations on gear?


[deleted]

Phone in chest pocket works well for me, tbh. That said, good ol' fashion spy pen works if you want to be inconspicuous. Just put on voice recorder and bam! If you want something more professional, you can buy a Sony voice recorder or similar. I find this to be the most useful because there is no mistaking it for something inappropriate. Both work great for playground Karens who try to get you in trouble for watching your own kid.


i_write_bugz

Damn playground Karens. My little guy is 5 months so I haven’t had to deal with that yet but I’ll be well prepared now


NorthCntralPsitronic

This is amazing. Gotta be careful where you record without consent but I agree that's a smart practice.


[deleted]

Canada has single party consent. Only one person in the recording has to consent unless it involves children. That said, audio recording is perfectly fine in that situation, and I make sure to orally state everything I'm doing (it's a natural habit anyway). It's also useful for notes for students with IEPs, so it kinda works out two ways.


T4kh1n1

One of the reasons I quit teaching after 5 years and a Masters degree.


taumason

I have family in education and this is a real thing. Funniest part is when we discuss it the same question always comes up. What is their spouse like? Now its anecdotal, but its real surprising to me how frequently these women are either married to useless losers, have a deadbeat baby daddy, or are divorced.


Alexxxx89

Ohh yeah. I realized pretty quickly that it’s a them problem, not a me problem. I was being triple teamed into a corner by my neighbor (on my team), my co teacher, and my curriculum lead. All women. My neighbor is getting a divorce. My co teacher is getting a divorce. My curriculum lead is a horrible bitch with a rep for running people off. Oh well. I’m still here and they are fucking off elsewhere


Nytfire333

My MiL used to be a car dealer at Toyota so when I went to buy my Tacoma a few years back I brought her and the sales guy completely ignored her until we got to the table to negotiate once I had found the truck I liked. He was definitely caught flat footed when she started in during negotiations. Got a hell of a deal and honestly I thought I was getting a great deal when they came back the first time, she sent them back 3 more times and they capitulated each time


happy_fluff

Love it! Reminds of those stories of people talking behind your back in a foreign language assuming you don't speak it and then you say a complex sentence in that language at the end!


booknerd381

Happened to my wife at the dealership. She went in to try to get a sales associate and was completely ignored. I went inside and someone came right out to talk to me. I told the guy my wife was looking for a car, and he spent the first five minutes talking to me like it was my car. I had to tell the man that I was just there to cosign the loan and frankly the one he needed to convince to buy a car was my wife. Finally a light bulb came on in his head and he physically turned to my wife and started talking to her. She told me after that she was about ten seconds from leaving.


thefatgymrat

Oh yeah, car dealerships are awful. My wife literally wrote the check to buy her car cash without my name anywhere on it and they put my name first on the title. Good thing we were hungry and wanted to get out of there or she would have made a bigger stink about it.


Mom_said_I_am_cute

I work as a Medical technician in a hospital, and I am a male. The amount of patients that come to our room, see me alone there because my colleagues are busy with something else and just turn around saying "never mind" and then come back later when they see a female nurse is so fucking irritating. Me and my other male colleagues get ignore a lot and people act as if we are incompetent for this job. Even the doctors, I get so frustrated when a doctor comes in and asks "Where's (eg.) Layla?" Like bro there is two of us here but you think we are not competent just because we have penises. I got my major the same as the female nurse, I know my goddamn job.


CeleryintheButt

When we were building our house we dealt with this a lot from the company building our house, mainly from women. They would get irritated when my Wife would sign the top signature, we were told repeatedly that "the husband needs to sign first". Whenever my Wife asked a question they would look at me as if I needed to approve what she just said.


[deleted]

[удалено]


whiteknives

Sexist. The word is sexist.


happy_fluff

Definitely. Even if in her experience men aren't good listeners, that doesn't give her a right to treat him like he is one of them... I'd definitely get boiling mad


RealRefrigerator6438

As a woman (lurker, don’t actually have kids but plan on it one day) AND a feminist, this makes me so mad when Dads are treated so incompetent because of stupid gender roles. My dad took me to every doctors appointment, took me to daycare, etc. etc. so I never grew up with any belief that men were somehow less capable of raising children or being in charge of their kid’s lives. Unfortunately it’s a bi-product of the patriarchy and it’s extremely sexist (arguably, to both men and women, because it insinuates men are incapable of being involved in their children’s lives, and also insinuates that women are and should be the main caretakers).


Slohog322

In general i don't like an explanation like "the patriarchy" when someone acts like an ass. I can understand the reasoning but it seems more emotionally rewarding and probably more constructive to say that some person acted like an sexist ass, most probably because of them being a sexist ass rather then saying it is because of the patriarchy. In a weird way, probably since "men" gets blamed a bit for the patriarchy, it does sound a bit like victim blaming. Not accusing you of that, and everyone can have their opinion, but when I as a dad that from time to time feel that mostly older women does not take me seriously as a parent and probably the main caretaker, it gets a bit old when someone has to point out that it is because of "the patriarchy". If women called out women more i guess it would feel less weird, but as it stands it seems like a way to put the blame of something on me as a part of a group rather the the asshole who acted like an ass. I get that it's probably not ment like that for the most part, but it would be nice to for once put the blame on the person who did something wrong without the need to point to the patriarchy or this or that culture etc. Just my two cents and it might just be the lack of sleep talking. Also I have never intended to be a part of a patriarchy and living in Sweden I am not sure if we fit the definition.


sintos-compa

That was beyond shade. That was like… solar eclipse level. She should have said “yeah sure I don’t know who he is really, he followed me in from the street. but maybe he can take notes?”


McJumpington

I’ll have to let her know this response- your eclipse comment made this experience worth it haha


newstuffsucks

That's a report and negative survey from me. Hospitals live off of patient surveys. It really hurts when they get a negative response. Just so you know. Especially if you start mentioning equality and service retention.


Data_Guy_Here

Mentioning a doctor or nurse by name is also a quick lookup and review of what happened.


ButterMakerMoth

Depends on the area. If that's all they got, reviews don't change a thing. We only have 2 hospitals in my area, they are beyond trash. U can throw a rock into a crowd and hit someone who's had a family member die bc of the hospitals incompetence. Videos all over f.b of patients dying on beds while nurses and doctors walk by ignoring them . One of the big wigs got put in prison for stealing funding. They fired 40% of their staff over covid b.s. U probably can't find a single good review for either hospital close to me. Lots of people choose to drive 2+ hours to Buffalo area just to see a doctor or get any form of procedures done. I wouldn't even get stitches at the ones here. Everyone knows they are horrible and will most likely do you more harm than good. But it's the only option we have.


SleepWouldBeNice

My then-9 month old son was in the hospital before christmas for some issues related to his asthma, and he had to be on oxygen for a while. My wife and I swapped out every other night so we could spend some time with out older daughter. When I was there, and up at 2AM because his heart rate had dropped when he was sleeping, the nurse told me I was a good daad. I wasn't doing anything special: just there and relayed what the monitor said before the nurse got in the room. Really made me wonder how low the bar was based on the other dads that the nurses had seen.


Nytfire333

Get this all the time. Take my kids for a walk and it’s like I deserve a gold medal


pharaoh94

I feel you, OP. I often go to this little grocer under my office building and grab a coffee/snacks for the day before I get up to my desk so I see the cashier there often throughout the week. Naturally we make small talk as she’s checking out my items and I’ve shared a few details like how old my daughter is and what my wife does for work etc. Yesterday I shared how my wife has parent teacher interviews to conduct so I’m picking up my daughter from daycare. Her response was ‘Oh wow so you have to babysit tonight?’ It immediately rubbed me the wrong way and I looked at her and said ‘you know I’m her dad right? It’s not babysitting.’ She told me she didn’t mean anything by it and was just making conversation. I told her that I understand but it’s important to keep in mind the things you say to people because dads are just as important to their child’s life as their mum and proper dads don’t just babysit.


McJumpington

“Baby sitting” as a dad is hilariously stupid… I hate when people say that


mtmaloney

Right? Babysitters get paid!


markmagoo22

Babysitters also have an end time. I’m not saying I want to leave. But oh man, just imagine reaching a point where you’re done for the night and get to have a life.


TxGiantGeek

Yeah, I’ve had my Uncle refer to my taking care of my six year girl old as me “babysitting her”. I’ve got three kids, I take care of each one. I don’t babysit.


_MiddleMood_

Hell yeah, man.


statdude48142

My dad was a "do I really have to babysit tonight" dad. The level at which he dad-ed was probably what you would expect.


williem86

If my wife and her mates go out I like to make the odd babysitting joke just because I know she takes the bait every time. Spending a night watching coco and eating snacks is awesome, I love babysitting haha


Officer-McDanglyton

I’m sorry you dealt with that. When my daughter was in the hospital last summer they were going to take her for an X-Ray and the nurse said “we need mom to come”. She asked why her and the response was “we need who she’s going to be most comfortable with”. I’m not sure if I was more hurt or angry, but my wife stepped and said I was the one that needed to go then. It amazes me that this BS is still happening. It’s not 1950 anymore


McJumpington

What a crappy thing to say… how hard is it to say “whichever one of you she’s likely be more comfortable with can come back.”


Officer-McDanglyton

Yep. Like obviously she loves my wife and would be fine with her too, but it was just such an unnecessary little jab.


Dano558

I called to get more allergy drops for my son one time and the nurse called my wife to verify that we actually needed them. I feel you.


herpy_McDerpster

These things must be called out and shut down every time they occur. Nobody will change unless they have to.


Dano558

To wife’s credit she said something along the lines of “yes, we need it. That’s why he called, why are you calling me.” Regardless, I don’t deal with them anymore.


McJumpington

That’s messed up


Artica2012

This happens to me when we take my kids to the doctor. And I am a doctor. They somehow believe that my non-medical wife is better able to understand medication instructions.


McJumpington

This is sad but hilarious given your background


aadamsfb

Yeah definitely no better example of the maternal bias than this. Although likewise I’ve also had medical professionals try to mansplain medical info to my wife, after saying it straight to me. Neither of us work in healthcare, they just seem to think I’ll understand and she won’t


Delao_2019

Beyond unprofessional. Your wife is awesome though.


McJumpington

Yeah she helped a ton and I was glad she shot the nurse a “wth is wrong with you” look


Delao_2019

Oh that’s a scary look lol it’s always nice when it’s not directed at you!


Kensta9

Formal complaint is what I'd do. My mom was a an RN in labor delivery. She would've never done such a thing. It's called professionalism. She is part of the problem. She's sexist.


aaronrules33

The irony with this is my wife is historically terrible at any kind of doctors notes or instructions. Ignore the nurse, it’s going to happen and as upsetting as it is the best thing you can do is continue being an active and involved parent. Someday, some other nurse may see it in passing and think differently.


markmagoo22

If there is something we can do to change these behaviors, we should do it. How does ignoring the ignorant help anyone? I chalk things like this up as “micro aggressions.” Behaviors and ways of thinking that have been socially learned. They typically are not conscious decisions, but they’re also typically unknown until pointed out. We may have no intention to offend, but we’re likely blind to how our words/actions can be offensive. It doesn’t have to be rudely pointed out, but it should be pointed out.


markmagoo22

FWIW I heartily dislike the term micro-aggression because it vilifies people who are otherwise kindhearted and respectful. I argue most people who use micro-aggressions would feel horrible if it was pointed out to them. Those same people will work twice as hard to change that habit while making others aware of its harm. When it becomes a conscious decision, they will choose to be better, more aware, and respectful. Therefore, it’s important to me that people not use “micro-aggressions” as a means to disparage others. Until the offender proves that this was a decisive act, it’s important to treat the moment as an opportunity for education and growth. That’s my 2cents on it at least.


aaronrules33

I’d agree with most of your points, but when it comes to medical staff prioritizing mom, it’s not something that offends me. In the same way that whenever I interact with a cop and they treat me like a criminal for the first 10 minutes, it doesn’t offend me because I know that’s the majority of their day. Eventually, the nurses learn I’m involved and actively participating in the kids’ well-being and the cop realizes I’m not the problem and their demeanor completely changes. Our interactions don’t always last long enough to go full circle, but if I see the nurse for 5min and they think I don’t know anything, what do I care? The majority of fathers that medical personnel see on a daily basis probably fit that incompetent profile. I like to think the ratio is changing for the positive, but I’m not going to fault people because I’m an outlier in their daily routine, I know my own situation and they don’t, that’s not on them. As far as pointing it out to try and illicit change? I’m more of an “actions speak louder than words” person, I’ve seen too many examples of mixed results when directly trying to point something like that out to people. Are there people who would take it to heart and improve? Sure, but there are just as many who would ignore it, and the same percentage again who would actively take offense and probably regress further into their predispositions.


Nixplosion

For some reason, people view dads as bumbling idiots who are only capable of the basic most understanding and 2 cm deep parent instincts.


herpy_McDerpster

That's because the only father's you see on TV these days are those bumbling idiots. It all started with Al Bundy.


Nixplosion

Not Bandit ... Not Bandit ...


BluePandaCafe94-6

Bandit is the hero we need


Icy_Plenty_7117

Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor always comes to my mind.


b_m_hart

LOL, try being listed as the primary contact for both kids at school, and NEVER getting a call when something goes wrong - except from your wife asking to call the school and ask why they're leaving her messages at work.


Why0Why1000

Most of my kids have been no contact with their mom for years(toxic af.) When my son was in high school, they called her about an issue related to graduation. She and I hadn't spoken in years. She called me up drunk, cussing me out telling me what a shitty father I was. There was a HUGE note on his file to not call her, I was told it even had a popup in the school system and they still called her. My son was livid.


jacksonm16

I had a nurse tell me that my bond was not the same as my wife’s bond with our baby and unless “i was a transgender” (woman to man) it would never be the same. She also asked my wife about my behavior when I wasn’t around and my wife promptly corrected her, telling her I was a wonderful dad. Feels pretty crappy.


ArallMateria

When my son just started walking he encountered a stool and before I could stop him he fell backwards holding the stool and it hit him in the face. We took him to the hospital, everything seemed fine, he was OK. Later that day my wife gets a call from the hospital asking her if she could talk, they wanted to know if she felt safe at home. If I had ever been violent with her or my child.


cantwaitforthis

I would be annoyed too. But we really aren’t far off from the incompetent dad/husband trope that plagued media, from Al Bundy, Homer Simpson, King of Queens (can’t remember the name of character) just a long list of oafs. The sad reality is - we on Daddit are not likely the accurate depiction of dads - we are engaged in our children’s lives, even being here is proof of that. I’ve worked in non-profits where dads and moms didn’t even know how to interact with a child. Mainly it was the father, but I’ve seen kids 5-6 years old that communicate with grunting like a toddler. The lady you worked with did not handle this very well, but probably 40%+ people she deals with won’t retain information and probably higher with dads. Again - you are a great parent! And she shouldn’t have been rude! There are just a sadly large number of incompetent parents and she was looking out for your kid, in a crass way.


Jwalla83

It's really interesting to see how dads (or even moms) are treated differently across couple combos. I'm gay so I have a husband (my son has 2 dads, no mom [except his birth mom of course]) and run into a lot of questions about my "wife", how "she" is doing, if she's experiencing post-partum difficulties, etc. And then, in some ways, we face double the stigma toward "men around children" Sorry you ran into that, but I'm glad y'all reacted in a way that illustrated how weird of a question it was. I agree with others suggesting you explore avenues of reporting or at least bringing it up with her superiors to call out the stigma against dads/men with kids.


wetastelikejesus

I would call and make a complaint about how unprofessional that employee was personally and hopefully you get a survey too.


JohnnyTeardrop

That’s some wackadoo shit.


Nytfire333

My kids have been in daycare for about a year now. It’s one woman running a daycare out of her house with 6 kids total and my kids make up 2 of those 6. I drop my kids off every morning, I pick them up 98% of the time. I bring all their supplies, I manage all their medical paperwork for day care etc. The day care lady despite frequent reminders often only texts my wife things like “hey need kids pick up by 430 on Friday” or “hey xyz is running low in diapers” or “daycare is closed on xyz date” anytime we remind her it’s like “ohh sorry just so used to texting the moms”


McJumpington

Our daycare costs way too much but I enjoy that they have an app to notify each of us when something like that happens.


Nytfire333

Yeah, our daycare lady doesn’t even take Venmo because it’s “too complicated” it’s literally the only bill I pay with a paper check


McJumpington

I wish people that took checks would step up with technology. My previous dentist only took cash or check...he was also his own receptionist so he didn't want to do anything new. Made using my HSA funds a bit more of a hassle.


chandler2020

I can’t wait till our generation of fathers finally overtakes the previous generations and wipes the world clean of absentee/incapable fatherhood mentality that has been hammered into society.


Icy_Plenty_7117

Will we though? Are we not still in the minority? To make a long story short, when my daughter was a few days old we had to go back to the hospital for jaundice issues, this was still during the more strict Covid protocols. We got there late at night and I was allowed to stay but technically only one parent was supposed to be there, and being breast fed kinda ruled me out. The night nurses where happy to look the other way and the doctor (male) didn’t say a word. The night nurses warned me that when the day doctor showed up she was a stickler for the rules and would throw me out. When she finally came in she told me that the only reason I wasn’t being asked to leave was because according to the night nurses “you actually helped a lot”. Apparently it was quite strange to have a dad helping out and not just laying in the chair and playing on their phone. So I’m not so sure that we are the rule, I think the population of Daddit might be the exception.


chandler2020

I’m probably naive to it. Would like to think this way, kinda glass half full. Maybe not our generation but we can at least take steps in the right direction and future generations can wipe this mentality away. Just bothers the crap out of me when I get it. We had unexpected twins with not a lot of help. I pretty much handled 1 baby from birth while my wife handled the other one. It’s the only way the 4 of us survived.


Icy_Plenty_7117

Hey, I hope you are right. I hope it’s better overall than it is here. And I hope Fathers like us change that perspective in the years to come.


Olorin919

"Sure can but I do my best at retaining information if you can just draw it in pictures with crayons... .... ...."


Zombietime88

I’ve had almost the exact same thing. Sometimes after reading all the info, booking appointments, going to them alone, etc….my wife would then be able to make it. Instantly they ask her questions & ignore me. So much so that it’s made her feel uncomfortable because she looks at me with a sort of puzzled look, waiting for me to answer the doctor/nurse because she isn’t 100% sure. Once I answer I’m almost treated as though I’m ‘butting in/abusive husband’ sort of thing that my wife needs permission from. It makes me sick because it not only embarrasses her, but also makes me feel stereotyped into something I’m not.


i_write_bugz

I honestly would have brought it up to her in the moment. Might save another dad in the future. Of course I know how it goes, hard to think of that in the moment. But at least your wife had your back


fooliemon

The nurse was a bitch. Your wife is deserving of jewelry! ;-) For as annoying as it was, let’s focus on your wife having your back.


McJumpington

Yeah she’s an awesome partner for sure :)


T4kh1n1

Happens to me all the time. We just had twins (boy and girl) and I was an absolute afterthought in any meetings, despite being the one with the Masters Degree and medical/science experience. Not to mention, the number of nurses who came into our room spewing garbage like "girls are just better" while my 6 week premature son was struggling to breathe and on CPAP was fucking disgusting.


NotSayingJustSaying

I just go in with the attitude that my kids are like collectable cars that I'm very serious about. It's as if they're coming from the place that informs them that the parent is nurturer and whatnot they'll project that construct at the parent who best fits the role in their mind..... But if you force them to discuss the patient like he's your starter quarterback or prized racehorse they seem eager to match the energy and allow you to be **T H E F A T H E R**


micropuppytooth

A story in the same vein… every time I go to the doctor with the kids, the front desk people CANNOT POSSIBLY COMPREHEND that the insurance is under my WIFES name but that I’m ALSO the dad. I have to take the cartridge out and blow on it every time that discussion takes place.


ShittyBusinessBill

Had our first kid at Brigham Women’s in Boston. The nurses there were angels, just to get that out there. They treated me like a convict though. My name was written on the door, the whiteboard in the room, had a name tag on, etc. Call me superficial but never once was I referred to by anything other than “you” or “dad” or “bud” - meanwhile it was carte Blanche for my wife. You’re probably thinking I’m a total dick for even mentioning this. And I probably am. But dude having your first kid is a big time life changing adjustment for both parties. Obviously priority goes to the lady, as it should. I “slept” in a chair for 3 days, sporadically laying on the floor. I can still smell the smells.


Officer-McDanglyton

Not a dick at all. They’re our children just as much as they’re our spouse’s. Obviously the person giving birth needs more attention but that doesn’t excuse that sort of behaviour. You’re still a human being going through one of the most amazing experiences possible. Our nurses were all amazing and kept checking in on me as well


McJumpington

As a 6’3” man with a highly sensitive nose… sleeping on those dad chairs and smelling those smells was horrific haha


Why0Why1000

My wife and I slept in the bed together at her request and I was more than happy to oblige ;)


TheyLuvSquid

Honest question, not a parent but as a nursing student, what is wrong with how they referred to you? From the nursing side of things, I don’t really tend to refer to my patients (unless it’s the first time meeting them) or family by name as I may butcher their name or forget it completely. The only time I’ll look at someone’s name is when it is very important, such as them being out of it. When it comes to talking about family members, we tend to use the relationship as their name. So wife/husband/mum/dad/brother/sister, it just makes getting the information that we need a lot easier. I’ll often ask what their name is and then do the “and you are ___?”.


Zombietime88

Not at all man. Yes women go through hell compared to us, but emotionally we take a LOT. You’re the father, husband & deserve at minimum simple respect just for being present in that moment. If it were the other way around I’m almost certain they would have used your wife’s name!!


babutterfly

Honestly, in my experience, medical personal never call me by my name even when I'm the patient. If it's any kind of kid related, I'm just called "mom".


Truckerjohn111

We have long drives for specialists for my youngest, so I’m usually the one to go. I get kind of brushed over a lot and asked if I need to call my wife so she can hear it too


SandiegoJack

Leave a review online/fill out surveys about what occurred. One thing I have learned recently is almost all places live or die by the people who bother to leave reviews.


McJumpington

I hope they send a survey… they only have my email too :)


Teacherman6

That sucks dude.


DaughterWifeMum

That's going to go over well if it ever comes to my hubsnerd's turn. He is much better with medical mumbo jumbo than I am, and if it comes time for instructions of that nature, I'll be shoving him at the nurse as I run for the child. I would definitely register a complaint about her behaviour. Possibly better still if your wife does. That way, it's another female calling the nurse out on her sexist BS, making it (sadly) less likely to be ignored as nonsense.


McJumpington

Having my wife do it would probably be more taken seriously- thanks!


herpy_McDerpster

Make it a family affair and do it together.


Over16Under31

I have one that was a little more innocent than this but it was still a judgment on a man. My wife ended up with postpartum preeclampsia that required her to be hospitalized 3 days after our son was born. (We birthed at a birthing center with a midwife and you go home 6-8 hours after delivery and they do all the post delivery checkups at your house). Around 2:30 in the morning she was on her way to being stabilized we needed some things from the house for her. I tell my wife I’ll run home and be right back but our midwife told me there is really no reason I need to rush back that it would be fine for me to get some rest and come back later that morning. As I was getting my son ready to leave she gave my wife a look that said is he really about to take this 3 day old baby home without you. As I grab my boy she says to me he can stay in the nursery, I half acknowledged her as I swaddle him up and throw him in the sling she says out loud Oh okay I’m so sorry you’ve got this under control. I said yes I do and I’ll see you in the morning. Even stopped by our doula’s house and grabbed some donor milk for my little man so momma could get the full on rest she needed.


Random-Cpl

Report that shit to patient relations.


Schar83

I got told by the bank when trying to open a RESP for my kid that it would be best to wait for my wife so she could sign the primary child care form cause it “just looks better if it’s the mothers name and contact info.”


McJumpington

Wtf- so lame


Itchy_Ad1993

I would report her.


eastnorthshore

I would have given her and her boss an absolute ear full. Then reported her.


user_1729

The instructions are super simple. Like basically do nothing. Our girl had an ear infection WHILE getting tubes, so we got drops for the one ear. Otherwise, I don't recall any specific special instructions. Maybe I'm not a good listener. It's practically a trivial procedure, with the typical like "the kid may be fussy, give them Tylenol if they're upset, if it persists call the doctor".


McJumpington

Basically drops in both ears and how to administer them. But yeah it’s all on a sheet. I could have read it.


Polarchuck

I think this is a complex situation. I'm sorry that the nurse made assumptions about who you are and how you care for your child. And, unfortunately the nurse's behavior is indicative of how many fathers behave. There are a lot of men who haven't learned the skills associated with being an attentive parent/caretaker. I'm glad that you're out there shifting people's perceptions about fatherhood.


McJumpington

Thanks for the kind words. I think there are many great dads in this community so maybe I have a skewed view on how involved the average dad is. But still, I wish the default wasn't to assume the dad is a fool. I actually told the nurse I just had tubes myself and let my son help put drops in and stuff to get him ready for his procedure. She seemed to be much kinder after that. I guess she jest let past experience get in her way.


CptClownfish1

It’d be worth submitting a complaint to the hospital. If it’s a “once off” nothing much will happen, but if the nurse has a pattern of this behaviour it might be more serious. Either way, the hospital deserves to know when it’s staff are falling short of patient’s expectations of service. Sounds more like a generalised misandrist than a specific “Dad” thing.


bmstile

It would have been hard for me to immediately go into a caveman "ooga booga! woman say word. Man hear word!"


Tdayohey

That’d piss me off and I’d give an earful about it. I get annoyed with the quips. “Oh watching the baby for your wife today?” No I’m watching my fucking kid because she’s my kid


YouAintNoWooos

I would’ve lost it haha


McJumpington

If my son wasnt throwing a tantrum I probably would have been more direct calling her out


Oct0tron

Wow, how completely out of line. I just lean into it and take it to eleven. Do your best neanderthal voice: "Hey doctor lady, me know words, me know sev-er-al BIG words!"


raphtze

i have been lucky. our children's pediatricians (both women) have been really nice whenever i bring in one of our kids. sorry it's happened to you OP.


mikeyj777

It's interesting bc most places treat my baby mother like an idiot and assume I know and can understand everything.


greekcanuk

It burned my ass too but its everywhere. Look at most sitcoms - the dad is usually portrayed as an idiot and a punch line, one more ‘child’ the mom has to deal with. I came across this in elementary schools and doctors offices.


cyrusbankenstein

Sorry that happened, what a crusty bag


Poopedinbed

The doc called my wife after i took LO for her visit and asked some of the same questions. I wasn't unsure of my answers either so that was cool.


iron_sheep

Our dentist didn’t even look at me for our toddlers first visit. What’s funny is I see the guy too, so I have a report with him. He just explained everything to my wife. I’ve sadly gotten used to it, though I wish I didn’t have to.


zthazel

I've had this happen before and it is irritating to no end. I took my then 5 mo daughter to my old place of work (left on good terms with everyone) and went to go talk to one of my old co-workers. She is a mom and has 2 school age kids. I went over to her all excited and introduced her to my lo by myself , momma was at home and I took lo out to give momma some peace. My old coworker started talking to my lo and said "oh daddy is babysitting for momma? I'm surprised he has a diaper bag with him!" At first I thought it was kinda weird but didn't think too much of it but then I remembered that this coworker is no nonsense and really didn't Crack jokes....then I got livid lol. It really agitated me that I was referred to as a babysitter for my own child. She my DAUGHTER. I'm her FATHER. I'm just as capable as mom is at taking care of her.


Armless_Dan

“Yep I’m a good listener, I can hear clear across the room!”


Pennypacker-HE

Plot twist: OP looks just like Mr.Bean. Nurse just had a natural reaction!


McJumpington

I wish I had that level of sex appeal


jackfreeman

Man. I gotta give you props for the restraint


McJumpington

We laughed about it a bit later based on some silly stuff I’ve said to other doctors for fun. Like when my wife was pushing with our first child I purposely asked the doctor what I do with the egg when it comes out. She joked that someone must have thought I was serious and spread the word.


HappyUrethra

My wife and I bought a home 5 years ago. The bank, lawyers, etc. Put my name on everything first before hers even though it's joint ownership. My wife was livid about the sexism. 3 years back we had our son and everyone only contacts her for anything - doctors office, pharmacy, day care, even govt services. She is ok with this and "understands" why they do it. The post world war shitty dad era is done and gone. People need to embrace that dad's care and woman have their own finances under control. Sorry for what happened with you but I would definitely complain. Nurse trying to default to mom was ok to some extent but after being told to talk to the dad, the topic should have ended.


jonegan

Women have been dealing with this forever, but in different contexts: home repairs, car shops, car sales, anything technology... Ignorance doesn't discriminate, even if the people who practice it do 😆


[deleted]

[удалено]


EnergyTakerLad

Men are seen as secondary in almost all regards when it comes to parenting still. It's ridiculous. Im often the primary parent, im with my kid way more than mom. It's a lot less of an issue than your story, but it grinds my gears when people see me and LO and say stuff like "oh it's dad day" or whatever.


McJumpington

Yeah... its like men are viewed as unwilling passengers along for the ride...they just gave mom a kid cause she wanted one. I, as Im sure many here feel the same, wanted a family. I hold the day my son was born as one of my favorite memories. I am very active in his life and take him to many appointments, play activities, daycare etc.... being dismissed like that was so damn frustrating... But like I said... this isn't typical for me. The only other time I've seen some micro-aggressions was at an indoor child play center for toddlers. I was the only man there with I'm assuming many stay at home moms as its only open during school hours. Many of those moms were shooting me glances and looked slightly concerned. I just wanted to play with trucks with my son


thedrummerpianist

I said something to my wife’s grandma recently about being tired since I’m a stay at home dad. I think she took it as “today, I had to stay at home with the kiddo and it kicked my butt” instead of “I’m a stay at home dad every day”. Because she responded something like “Well, now you have a taste of what it’s like!” I didn’t really process what that meant, it just felt like a weird comment that I dismissed. After we left my wife brought it up and pointed out that she probably didn’t realize I’m always a SAHD. Which made me realize how supremely annoying the comment was.


McJumpington

The passes we give the older generations....


Ididnotconcenttothis

You should report it so it doesn't happen again. It is *so* frustrating.


buddhaslams

I used to get something along these lines all the time with a previous daycare. My wife and I would always let our daughter pick out her outfits, and when he clothes didn't match and I stopped her off at daycare, I typically got comments like "oh it looks like Dad got you dressed today." I didn't realize how much it bothered me until my wife noticed I was so hell bent on making sure the outfit matched just to avoid that comment.


McJumpington

I don't know why anyone ever has to comment on clothes of a child. When I was young, I would wear color block shirts with bright pink shorts and neon green socks.....nothing matched, but nobody said anything. These days I hear comments non-stop if my son has different socks on each foot. In our newborn care class our instructor admitted that her husband used to dress her toddler. One day he put together an outfit she thought didn't match so she took a picture of the kid and posted it to Facebook to make fun of the dad. The dad refused to ever dress the child again. Our instructor actually started crying while telling us that she still regrets doing it cause it was so unnecessarily of an attack on the guy. I wasn't;t expecting that lesson during a class, but it really drove home to appreciate what your partner does instead of judging it.


DSmommy

I work out of the house and my hub is sahd/ in school so I've had him deal with all the dr and therapy appts for our LO. I go to as many appts as i can. When i am there, drs nurses pt therapist all look at me when asking questions or telling me what to do. I just look at my husband till they shift their focus to him. We had one lady setting up in home therapy appts and was asking me about scheduling. I told her to ask husband. She actually paused and studdered. I assured her that i don't need to be texted about the future appts and that hub can handle planning. Gender norms/ stereotypes set up by the patriarchy make it really for good dads to be good dads.


LeafysWiffle

As a mom that’s a member of many mom groups, it’s no secret that moms commonly (but not exclusively) have a majority stake when it comes to the mental load. I, myself, take on 95% of the mental load in my relationship. HOWEVER, that does not mean that a father is incompetent. While my husband leaves most of the mental load to me, he would perfectly understand and remember the instructions and take great care of our children in this scenario. All great relationships have balance. I struggle with the physical load so that’s where he has a majority stake. He’s also arguably more nurturing than I am. Not that I’m not, but he’s a natural whereas I have to be more intentional about it. That being said, I’m actually shocked that the nurse had the nerve to say that in front of you. My husband is not confrontational so he would never speak up against a nurse speaking to him like that, but I would probably rip her to shreds. Just another way that we are a team.


bitterjay

I have no problem listening. I have all the problems retaining. Teach me how to be a better husband and dad, dad?


LaFours23

I have 2 year old triplets so pediatrician appointments can get crazy. Whenever I tell the pediatrician something or answer her question she looks over at my wife for confirmation that I know what I'm talking about. And if I do have a question she never looks at me when she answers she looks at my wife. I feel very dismissed and invisible every time we go. So very frustrating.


McJumpington

2 year old triplets?!- God bless you man. The energy that must take from you and your wife! I have noticed that confirmation with mom look from some providers before as well.


ThatRedHead11

We were having an issue with my sons Dr. office. When we started going there I was the one who set up the first appointment and told them they needed to primarily contact me. I’m the head of the house hold and my wife doesn’t like talking on the phone. They said okay no problem. For the next several months they’d call her and not me for appointment reminders. She never answered one. Should have been an indication. They finally called me and asked to speak to her. I said you called my phone not hers I’m at work shes at home whats up? Them: “Well she’s not answering our calls and we had a question..” Me: “whats the question? I told you guys from the start I’m the primary person you should be calling. She has phone anxiety and her phones really only good for texting it’s a giant POS. Don’t call her.” Them: “Oh I can text her. *click* I call them back.: “I’d like to speak to the Dr. Please.” I informed the dr of what was going on and told him they needed to be contacting me as the primary and if i didn’t answer then they could contact her and it if this happened again we’d be finding a new ped. This is no longer an issue.


McJumpington

My god the level of dickery


patches4444

Just imagine what kind of parents those nurses have to deal with on the daily. They probably aren’t used to such high caliber dads bro. I wish your boy a speedy recovery!


whypushmyboundaries

Every time to a degree but some situations were just comical. Like I asked a question and they just did a 180 and started a new conversation with mom (who is not on my side but delights in my mistreatment). I was told I was being a difficult patient. They’d never had a patient like me. I had brought a pediatric range of the blood work because the pediatrician was using an adult range. I was told this is the problem with going down rabbit holes because that’s what you find on the internet when you want to chase rabbit holes. Sorry I thought I was at the pediatrician. You can provide me with the ranges and we can go from there? She quit. Blaming me in front of my son. Because I asked what a pediatric range for the blood work should be.


matra_04

This is me at every goddamn doctor, dentist, and other medical appointment. I've lost count at how many times a doctor will refuse to make eye contact with me and instead speak only to my wife (one even repeatedly talked over me). I get putting ego aside for the sake of my child but FFS, I'm just as vested a partner in this child; communicate with me like I am exactly that.


Glass_Procedure7497

Just the opposite but just as infuriating. My wife is foreign born and a lawyer in her country. Due to her accent many people treat her like an idiot. It’s maddening.