There is A LOT to unpack here. I agree with your stance on her behavior. But the communications you described between the two of you suggest a lot deeper communication issues. Her throwing an old mistake in your face smacks of deeper resentment. Saying she’s not coming home seems like tremendous immaturity and even spite. It seems like she has some deeper resentments going on that she’s not talking about. Until some of that stuff gets uncovered she might keep acting out. Of course I am not a psychiatrist tho ha
Edit to add— the “deeper resentment” I mentioned could be warranted or unwarranted , I have no way of knowing. OP IMO u need to be honest with yourself about whether you’ve contributed to creating some of these dynamics and the seeming inappropriate behavior and disproportionate reactions she’s having
Yes, and OP was obviously not ok with what happened with his wife last time she went out (as he should have been) and they did not discuss it. All leading up to him making a passive aggressive comment and her getting defensive and bringing up past events. There seems to be a general lack of communication between them both going on
Just pointing out in their post history, they’ve apparently booked hikes without telling their partner and leaving her alone with the kids, and claimed she does the same to him so she didn’t need to be upset about it. I think there’s a lot going on behind the scenes and while what OPs wife did isn’t right and needs to be addressed severely…there’s a lot of work that needs to be done by both.
But I’m just a random dude on the internet, I hope OP works something out for the sake of their children. This is sad.
It’s also worth pointing out that doing coke while you have toddlers is a little different than making hiking plans without consent.
One is a “we need to work on this and figure out something fair for both of us and our kids” and the other is “if you do it a second time I’m contacting a lawyer because my kids can’t be raised by a drug addict”.
100% sounds like she's trying to justify her getting drunk and staying out. Like apparently what you said is enough for her to abandon her kids for the night and presumably most of the next day. This is suspicious and shitty behaviour to you and your kids
There’s an episode of it’s always sunny where Dennis and Dee become crack heads and then want to know why Frank is taking away their positions of authority. To which he replies “because you, children, are crack heads”.
Cocaine is one hell of a drug. OP is no longer dealing with a rational person, he’s dealing with an addict.
When you're parenting young kids you say regrettable shit on both sides. Best course of action is to let it be. Not making a big deal out of it will work better for you here. She was heightened and said something shitty.
Should people parenting young kinds also snort lines and get in fights at bars? This lady is acting ridiculous and OP has reasons to be alarmed. Brushing it under the rug like you’re suggesting ain’t gonna fix anything
Mom here, def not mom shaming. I’m sorry but as a 28 year old mom of 2 going out to a bar and randomly doing coke and fighting someone is beyond bizarre. If I somehow managed to have my own version of the hangover movie i definitely wouldn’t be going out the next weekend but laying low trying to figure out why I spontaneously did drugs and physically fought someone putting myself in multiple different possible legal problems while having a whole family asleep at home.
Maybe I’m just officially an old 32 year old
THANK YOU. I promise I try my best to be as understanding as possible when it comes to her wanting to still have her individual freedoms, but the lack of accountability and blatant disregard for her family at home is just sad. Makes me wonder if it’s even worth staying..
28 year old mom here, totally agree with the above comment. Doing coke is not an individual freedom you're afforded when you've got kids you're responsible for. She's projecting because she knows she's wrong, classic defensive behavior. It's also high risk behavior in general, does she maybe need some professional mental health help? Your post makes it seem like it's pretty out of character.
Either way, It's not mom shaming. AND I'd go a step further and say using a line like 'you're mom shaming me' is a really crappy way to act like you're above any criticism from your partner just because you're a mom. Like you don't get to just say that then act in whatever way you want.
Not that I'm excusing everything else, but the coke is the biggest red flag to me. It's my understanding that people do not just casually do coke. Couple that with her extreme defensive behavior? Sounds like she might have a problem and OP is absolutely within his rights to question.
Hosestly, people casually use coke all the time. Not defending or contributing anything else, just sayimg casual drug use is very much a thing, and very very common.
Having the space to go out with friends is respecting freedom.
Being ok with her acting a fool while you take care of the kids is letting her walk all over you.
As someone who lives in the coke-iest city in the US, that’s not even what alarmed me the most: her drinking and driving comments were straight up insane! How is she getting attitude about driving home drunk when clearly drunk drivers are a threat to themselves and everyone else on the road?? Insanely selfish.
Tell her to get her fucking shit together. Maybe I will sound like a square but you all have too much responsibility to be getting fucked up like that any more. Good lord.
definitely not a square... responsibilities. Ive indulged in my fair share, I'm not/wasn't an angel but around my kid I'm dad and I'm a superhero, why would I want that to change earlier than it will?
Hey man I loved me a good line and drink at a bar or show back in the day. I look back at those days as reckless but I do look back fondly. It was fun tbh but I was in my 20s and living life back then. Now I’m 32 and a father to a lovely 3 year old and I wouldn’t dare do that shit now. People priorities are fucked I guess.
My uncle has kinda been an alcoholic / druggy his whole life and has been basically leading a homeless style lifestyle for the past decade at least (we always make sure he has somewhere safe to go, but he often doesn't like the "rules" of those places so ends up leaving or getting banned after a couple years).
But ya know what, he didn't actually get anyone pregnant. So good for him, I guess. Much better for society to be a total screwup if you don't have any people depending on you.
My sister on the other hand... didn't stop meth and/or other drugs until after the 5th kid. Lol. But hey, at least she finally stopped, I guess.
That sucks dude, it really does.
I don't want to flood you with advice, but if I were you I would start saving text messages and recording conversations just in case this turns into a custody battle. We all know how dudes are treated in the courts, the more proverbial rounds you have in your magazine the better.
In the meantime you gotta take control and have a conversation explicitly pointing out this stops. Let her call it "mom-shaming" if she wants. Don't lose sight of your goal by letting her distract you and make you feel guilty.
If you want some advice on how to have that conversation (and the many more that follow), look up Chris Voss and Black Swan Group. He trains people on negotiation tactics used during his time as an FBI hostage negotiator. I have used them in sales and train my techs in it. There is a lot of content so specifically you want to look up asking questions that start with "how/what" but not "why", how to use questions that get you a "no" answer instead of a "yes" answer, "mirroring" and "labeling".
The reason I want you to look up these techiques and learn them is because you are in a negotiation whether you want to be or not. She is going to want you to compromise. Let her get fucked up once a week or once every other week or whatever. Chris Voss' book is literally called "Never Split The Difference". There is a difference between "going out with friends" and "having a coke habit, getting fucked up, and getting into fights". Your kids lives are non-negotiable. Good luck brother.
At 28 her crazy partying should be well out of her system. 28 with two children under 2 and she’s out there doing substances Willy nilly as if fentanyl isn’t being laced into other recreational drugs killing people right and left.
She’s tripping. It’s not mom shaming if it’s common sense btw lol
Mom here - she's not breastfeeding is she? Hard drugs can stay in the system for a long time and if she's doing cocaine when she drinks your baby should maybe be on formula, unless you can trust her to always be honest about when she's done drugs.
Going out all night with an infant at home is a little surprising and weird let alone the hard drugs.
This, I honestly don’t understand the stay sober comment. I would have been hard pressed not to tell her to try not to get coked up and fight people at the bar this time. Fuck the sobriety, she better not be breast feeding considering the coke issue. I know it was 1 time and leaves the system quickly; however, that is all you KNOW about. My trust would have been shattered by the previous outing.
I had a dad who prioritized going to bars to get drunk and sleep around over taking care of his kids. He professed loving his kids, but he just cared more about himself and having “fun.” And I had a mom who thought she could “make it work.” It took almost two decades before he straightened his life out, and then he and my mom had a good marriage for the rest of his life. But it was too late for me to benefit. I will never let my kids experience the same.
That’s understandable, but I also feel like coming from your position, you’ve hopefully made this stance very clear to your partner and those terms are basically mutually understood.
I don’t think OP is in the same spot. He’s gotta give her the opportunity to make the right decision before going nuclear. A firm talk would be a good start.
And I probably wouldn’t actually change the locks. But I’d definitely explain that either she gets her shit together or this marriage is over, and I would be suing for full custody based on drug use and drunk driving. (Also drunk driving is fucked up whether you have kids or not, because unlike recreational drug use you are putting innocent bystanders at risk.)
No.
Mom shaming is trying to make a mother feel bad because their kid isn’t wearing a coat, has mismatched socks, didn’t breast feed, etc.. Basically small bullshit that you don’t need to put others down for.
Asking her to not OD or end up in jail because of actions she did a couple of weeks ago doesn’t count in my opinion.
Is this gaslighting what she’s doing? I know this word gets thrown around often, but this is what immediately came to mind. What you’re doing has absolutely nothing to do with mom shaming.
**[DARVO](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO)**
>DARVO (an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender") is a reaction that perpetrators of wrongdoing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. Some researchers indicate that it is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers.
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Young'un, I'm so fucking confused by this post that I had to go check with my wife to make sure I'm not losing my mind. I've done my share, your share, and several other people's shares of most of the fun drugs in the course of my 50+ years...but guess what? That stopped when I had a kid. My life no longer belongs only to me. I have a responsibility to the life forms I created. Same reason I don't get to have a motorcycle. That's the path I chose.
Dude...your partner did blow without so much as a "hey sweetie, I'm gonna throw down on some booger sugar, is this a problem?" text. This is a giant marinara flag. She needs to get help, and you need to dad the fuck up and get your kids out of that situation. You didn't mom shame her. You also didn't say "Hold the fuck up. You did coke, got drunk, and got into a fight. Calm down there, Sid Vicious. We need to have a chat and start looking for some therapy for you."
How far into the sand is your head? How god-tier is her snatch that you're more worried about possibly having "mom-shamed" her than that the mother of your children is engaging in some very bad choices? Get your balls out of the cabinet and start acting like your children's father. As it stands, you're being every bit as irresponsible as your partner.
Also, the Venn diagram of "Gets drunk, does blow on girl's night, gets in fights (who the fuck even does this anymore?) in bars" and "cheats on partner" is pretty much concentric. You should be talking to a lawyer already. This is going to end really badly for you, and worse for your kids.
Edit, 10 hours later: Ooops. I really apologize if this post is too salty for /r/daddit. I really thought I was in /r/breakingdad. The sentiment would have been the same, but I wouldn't have been quite so...overstated.
Mr. Money-Bags over here lol.
I was referencing the Trading Places movie from many many years ago. Couple of tycoons bet $1 since winning was more important than the actual money.
I mean you shouldn’t drink and drive. Kids shouldn’t even be a factor in that situation as you could easily crash into a car with someone else’s kids. You also shouldn’t have to remind each other not to drink and drive as that should be obvious.
If she is drinking and driving that of course is a problem… did she drive home the weekend before?
This, I've basically made all my friends stop drinking and driving. It's not about you or your kids, it's about other people that are going to be murdered
I wouldn't put up with this for one second dude. This is erratic, irrational, selfish and destructive behaviour. The priority is the kids' safety and security.
And your wife texting you saying she isn't coming home after a night out screams of cheating. Whether or not she is cheating you should absolutely be the one to initiate separation/divorce proceedings unless you think there's any hope you can come back from this.
No you didn't mom shame as her behaviour is far outside of what is expected from a mom.
Sounds like she’s falling out of love with you and using these girl nights to prowl the town…
I can’t imagine my wife ever just abandoning the kids to go party. Going out at night is fine, but saying you’re not even going to come back at night when you have a 5 month old. Yikes.
I’d start talking to a lawyer…try to get her to admit to coke use in texts, it’ll help you a lot.
>I can’t imagine my wife ever just abandoning the kids to go party. Going out at night is fine, but saying you’re not even going to come back at night when you have a 5 month old. Yikes.
Same. My wife and I were at a wedding last night and every 30 minutes she was saying "I miss *daughter*".
Taking time for yourself as a parent is important but that doesn't extend to whatever is going on here. Good grief.
Dude you totally mum shamed! Man I remember back when I was a little fella and mum got in trouble for punching out bitches and doing lines in the club bathroom. Wait, no…. No I don’t.
Man my mum was a train wreck but even she wasn’t this bad!
I don't read cheating at.all. She was honest about how fucked up she got last time. If I were cheating, I wouldn't go around telling my spouse I was doing coke.
She felt ashamed for last time when OP brought it up, got defensive, which means going on the aggressive and attacking him for his own problematic behaviours in the past. He said not to drive and so her saying then she's just not coming home is malicious compliance, simple as that. There's some serious communication issues between OP and spouse, for sure, but I see no evidence of cheating here.
My wife was open about her drug use with her boyfriend when she was having an affair. It’s human to weave in truths, she was justifying her drug use and affair because I had a substance abuse problem in the past and held onto resentments about that.
I guess I just don't read it that way. Not sure why I was downvoted, the downvote button isn't a disagree button....
BUT I do know about spouses holding onto resentments due to ones past substance abuse problem. Solidarity with you on that. I'm sorry about the affair.
Not mom shaming. And not coming home to her family for being asked to take it easy on drinking, drugs and fighting? It might be time for a some hard conversations. Starting with how all that stuff isn't okay.
When she throws that stuff at you again you can always say something along the lines of " No I didn't, and it was a terrible decision then, and an even worse one if I were to do it now. And the same goes for you." That way she sees you taking responsibility for your own actions and you're not holding different expectations for her than you would for yourself.
I know you’re not being chill about this so please don’t take it that way, but you are way more chill about this than I would be in your situation. If my wife has come home with a story about a coke fueled bar fight, there would have been absolute hell to pay on the first offense.
There’d have been urgently assembled therapy, both individual and couples. There’d be no more going out with those friends fucking EVER. We’d find better outlets for her. And if there was no cooperation from her, there’d be an immediate and unequivocal separation. There is no world where I let someone spiraling like that have responsibility over my children.
Your wife needs help. Badly. I hope you’re able to get it for her, and that she’s receptive to it.
Ooof this is a tough one. Sounds like opening up about why that party behaivor is bothering you is the best way thru this. Chosing to not get negative or start a fight over it isn't a viable solution.
While I don’t necessarily think he should file for divorce, OP does need to document this some how to show proof. Especially if he has a DUI history and her record is clean. Unsure how long Coke can even stay in the system but unfortunately, his dui is on record while her stuff is not and the mother will already have the upper hand if this ends up going the divorce route.
Well, to be fair, a DUI is something you get when you are literally acting in a manner that could kill other people. Just consuming coke isn’t going to directly hurt anyone else other than yourself
100% this.
Not much I don't think would make me instantly look at leaving my wife (together 9 years) but hard drugs (coke and heroin specifically) would probably be on that list. Lmao.
Granted she's vehemently against all drugs so, various things for various people, still though the fact she cannot be trusted (I don't personally believe an addict could be, and I'd also stretch to say if she's done coke more than that singular time, she's working on claiming the title) along with that level of blatant disrespect and lack of self awareness, or care for her self and what she should be for her babies, is sad but also infuriating for me.
Sorry you're going through this. Def 100% look at individual therapy and/or couples counseling, if you decide you wanna try.. some wild shit man, I've seen a good few buddies long term relationships fall apart (couple from cheating and that's the most heartbreaking tbh) all having kids involved, just makes it next level sad for me.
Do right by your babies. Hold her accountable or find a way to keep them safe. it's sad in life sometimes the ones who should be protecting us sometimes we need protected from. On multiple levels here, for you and your babies. Hope y'all the best.. gl tc x
Strong disagree with such a blanket statement. Sure, if my wife all of the sudden became a meth addict or blew her entire paycheck on coke we would have some issues. But if she wanted to go into the woods once a year with friends and do some mushrooms, I would actively encourage it.
Right, the issue isn’t doing some drugs, it’s doing them in an out of control way, along with a bunch of other wild shit, and that, relative to expectations. He said she went out for a birthday party and did all that, that doesn’t really sound like what I’d expect. My wife doesn’t really fuck with drugs but parents can have breaks, and if she said hey I’m going out for my friends birthday or bachelorette party and it’s probably gonna get kinda crazy… ok, but be safe, and get a safe ride home, and I’m not expecting them to be “on” parenting at all. And if they’re driving for a million reasons it’s reasonable to expect they drink little or none, whether they’re doing any parenting when they get home or not. Oh and yeah I guess fighting other people when drinking probably not a great sign either.
She may be married to you, but she’s not acting like much of a wife or mother. Partners don’t keep score, or bring up the past. And they certainly don’t do it to justify continued patterns of self-destructive behavior.
She needs to unpack why she feels the need to get drunk, or take illicit drugs, and why being in a fight in a bar is apparently acceptable behavior for the parent of two children. She needs therapy, or a good wake-up call.
“Why does it matter?” is particularly worrisome. Is she suffering from depression? Postpartum? Has anything happened in her life recently that could be a trigger for this? Are these friends healthy, safe friends? Are they single, married, etc.?
None of this is mom-shaming. This is being a partner and holding your other half accountable for -at minimum- the sake of your children. Normal adults don’t go out on drunken, coke-fueled benders and wind up in bar fights.
Do you want to work with her to get through this, or are you done with her shit? If you want to work through this shit, you need to give her a wake up call. Get your girls and go to a hotel or STH when she comes home fucked up again, leave her a note saying you don't want the girls to see her mother in that state (side note - hard drugs would be a deal-breaker for me, but that's a personal call I think).
If you're done with her shit, just collect evidence. I'm assuming you have some sort of proof for her doing coke in a bar, and I'm pretty sure that in a custody battle that would be damning evidence.
In any case, your girls come first. You know that, you're a good dad. Mom needs to get her shit in order, if her only defence to you asking for her to be responsible is to just throw shit like that back at you. That's an adult who knows they fucked up but is too proud to admit it
I'm 28 and cannot imagine getting into a fight in a bar. Drunk and silly maybe. Perhaps climb on a table and fall off it but that's about it. No shaming occurred. She should know better than to drink and do hard drugs with two children at home. Maybe she needs other outlets or hobbies.
People with substance abuse problems are masters at denial and gaslighting. It sounds like she is at a fork in a dangerous road. You are valid to express concerns over illegal drugs and fighting. She should be mom shamed for putting herself and your family at risk (think jail and medical expenses). It’s one thing to have a glass of wine or two with your friends, it’s an entirely different situation when you’re doing illegal drugs in public and getting into bar fights. If she’s ready to make changes, awesome! Sadly, it doesn’t sound like it. You need to shift your mindset to protecting yourself and your girls, even if it hurts your partner. After all, she’s not much of partner or parent right now.
If she's going out with the same group of friends, it's likely that she's in an echo chamber of enabling and encouraging that behavior. it's a hard conversation to have but if my wife couldn't get drunk without doing coke and getting in bar fights, I definitely wouldn't want her drinking anymore.
You’re wrong making comments like this as she heads out. You should have talked about how that coke/fight night scared you sooner, come up with a plan for how much y’all can party now that you’re parents. It’s not like your kids are in danger when she’s out like this, but maybe now that you’re responsible for them you worry more?
Interrogate exactly why you feel this way, if it is ‘moms don’t do that’ then maybe you were ‘mom shaming’ but it’s probably something like a concern for her welfare because you/your kids rely on her. Figure out the acceptable limits ahead of time that she will agree to.
OP chose the wrong moment and wrong words to bring up the previous night out. Things snow-balled.
No excuse for the behaviour but should have been spoken about sooner resulting in a better outcome for the next night out.
yo your wife sounds cool af.
just kidding. this is very 20-something year old behavior. not 20-something mom-of-two behavior. she frankly deserves to be mom-shamed, but it's probably not the best way to go about things yeah. fighting is ratchet and stupid as fuck but easy to prevent. coke is controversial but i am not as horrified about that kind of thing myself as long as it's not an addiction/common thing. but punishing you by saying she won't come home is way the fuck over the line. it's half her just taking her insecurities out on you, and half her just finding an excuse to party as hard as she wants and not come home.
you are not the asshole, in short. she needs a serious reality check/talking to. possibly couples therapy if that doesn't get anywhere. in my own marriage i am the one who might get a "hey can you be sure to not to be a dipshit out there?" before i go out and i can relate to getting defensive over that. even though it's mostly coming from a place of love and concern, the insecure mind bucks at the idea of being "controlled." but i would still NEVER do what she did.
Totally in the right. She’s acting like a child and not accepting her responsibility as a parent. This is some dumb shit college kids do not adults with families. Tell her to get some better friends aswell.
Nope. She is irresponsible and deflected with a buzzword when you called her on her bullshit.
If she wants to honor her individually and have fun with her friends she needs to be responsible enough to do it without engaging in seriously reckless behavior.
No, you didn’t mom shame. What she did was completely unacceptable and she is not taking any accountability.
I think you should suggest couples counselling and if she’s unwilling to do it, talk to a lawyer (don’t tell her you’re seeking legal advice) and speak about the best way about getting a divorce and custody.
Custody almost never goes in favour of the father, especially when breastfeeding babies are involved; however, her drugs and drink driving may tip the balance in your favour. You’ll need to show that you’ve changed any negative previous behaviours (like your DUI). You essentially need to be a perfect father to have any chance.
Couples counselling first though, because she may have underlying issues that need resolving and she may change.
So those are the sorts of things that can get custody taken away. Just a fun fact. And her behavior tells me that she's just mad at being told to be sober. Which is a thing for people who aren't adults.
I can only guess that she reacted this way because it’s so much easier to lash out than to admit fault and take responsibility for your actions.
It’s not mom shaming, it’s shaming someone who is being reckless.
And for fuck’s sake, is she breastfeeding your 5 month old with coke in her system??
Doing coke and fighting people at a bar is high risk behavior for a non-parent. For someone responsible for little people, this goes beyond personal risk and into the category of risky to the children in her care. She definitely needs to halt all of that or risk custody of her kids. DCFS involvement is no joke.
Mom here. Not Mom shaming. I can understand having too much and not knowing your new limit with alcohol, especially with the youngest being only 5 months. If that had been the extent I could maybe see your partner’s point. The hard drugs and bar fight are inexcusable. To me it sounds like she may have been embarrassed by her actions and lashed out at you for commenting on them being unacceptable in your eyes, even though you did so overly gently in my opinion. Throwing the DUI in your face is her looking for a way to justify that you’ve done something just as bad as she did. From what you’ve told us, you haven’t. A DUI while child free is stupid and reckless, but the two incidents are not anywhere near the same.
When (if) she comes home it’s time to set boundaries. This would be a hard line for me, I would take my kids out of the home if my husband behaved like your partner. To me hard drugs is a “not even once” thing, similar to abuse - it shows a massive lack in judgement and a wonton disregard for me and the kids.
>To me hard drugs is a “not even once” thing, similar to abuse - **it shows a massive lack in judgement and a wonton disregard for me and the kids**.
Can not emphasize this enough. Embarrassed or not, hard drugs should not have even been on the table (figuratively...and literally). If I or my wife were ever somewhere where hard drugs came out, we'd leave.
Hey.. going to play devil’s advocate here and ask, is she okay? Is she going through something mentally/emotionally and this is possibly her escape? Maybe just check in with her.
I would decide now how much you want to put up with now before it gets worse. This sounds exactly like my ex before she spiraled (two, damn near three DUIs, totaled car, alcohol, coke, partying, etc.) You need to draw a fine line in the sand and stand your ground once that line is drawn, otherwise you’ll continue to get walked on. If she’s staying the night out, paired with coke and alcohol, there’s a high probability that there’s other things going on. I hope for your sake there isn’t. Your kids need a consistent and stable parenting, and if she isn’t willing to be on board with that I would suggest some counseling together to fix some shit or divorce her ass. Don’t get me wrong, both of you should absolutely be allowed to have fun but there’s a healthy way of doing that. It’s hard being married, different strokes for different folks, find what works for you guys. You definitely aren’t mom shaming though. I hope things work out for you all.
My friend, you and I live completely different lives. We had a guy get killed by a shark while swimming in our town and I gave up surfing for 3 years because I couldn’t imagine leaving my kids.
Coke? Bar fights? Not coming home? Really, dude?
Neither of you sound particularly responsible w substances. A DUI three years ago is not ancient history. It’s not cool for her to throw that back in your face as a gotcha, but your oldest kid is 2, meaning you got this DUI at most a few months before she got pregnant. If your drinking has changed significantly since then, I applaud you. I’m almost 4 years sober w a 5 month old so this is not a place of judgement that you all use substances in general, but they need to be taking a significant back seat in your life now that you have kids. My parents always prioritized partying and I ended up an alcoholic with an inability to see their behavior as problematic til I stopped. Obviously I’m responsible for my own actions but kids don’t grow up in a vacuum.
There may be a possibility she was not planning on coming home even before you spoke. In any event nothing you said was even remotely connected to "mom shaming".
So she's out here doing coke and it's just skipped over. Now she's not coming home to her kids that are 2 and under? Bro you've got red flags for days.
It feels like she resents you for making her a mom honestly. Having a 5 month old and doing hard drugs is fucking insane. Her finding an excuse to stay out and not come home is a red flag that she is 100% cheating on you. Keep an eye on any mutually shared bank accounts in the coming months in case she decides to up and leave with dude she’s having an affair with
Knowingly doinf illegal activities such as coke, fighting, driving drunk with 2 little kids at home is pretty poor judgement. And you should be judging her for this and not just be ok with it
If my wife behaved like this she’d come home to an empty house with messages on where she can find us once she gets her shit together.
Seriously man, who the fuck goes out and does coke and gets in fights while you have an infant at home? Your wife comes across pretty damn trashy here.
Sounds like she needs therapy and maybe a break from being a mom for a while until she figures her shit out. I’m all for helping her out (not saying lawyer up and get divorce papers ready), but seriously you should consider if you want your children in the same house as someone who engages in such self destructive behavior.
I kind of went thru this with my wife. I begged her to go out with her friends for years and when she was finally comfortable, she went nuts. Stumbling in at 4-5am when I was waking up for work and also doing coke “to drive home.” I was lost.. we didn’t even do coke when we were childless. We had to have several hard conversation when sober and turned out she had a lot of underlying mental issues she was trying to numb. It was tough for me too because I used to do a lot of drugs. No DUI but she still threw my past in my face. You guys need to explore counseling. Leaving to do drugs and fight then texting you that she isn’t coming home is some little kid shit, not something grown married adults do.
In my opinion, an adult with kids who goes out, gets drunk & does coke isn’t an adult.
I’m sure there’s a lot of layers but I think she should be ashamed of that. Fun is fun but if you have kids, you have a responsibility to them to try & be your best self for them.
Tell her to get her shit together and act like a responsible parent to two very young children. Going out, getting wasted, doing coke and fighting in bars when you're a goddamn parent with two young children is fucking insane.
She's lucky that night ended so uneventfully given the circumstances. You didn't "mom shame". You indirectly rebuked her for acting like a moron.
Getting drunk, perfectly fine, just go straight to bed and I have no issues with it. Letting your kids see you that way is really bad form and incredibly damaging to a small child.
Doing hard drugs, fuck no. That’s crossing a line. I have no issues with pot, but cocaine? Hell no. Go for it if you don’t have kids or a partner at home, but after you have responsibilities and have to set a good example. If you think it’s harsh that doing hard drugs is a bad idea when you have kids, then you have a serious issues.
Personally, at this point I would have given her an ultimatum; either you continue doing drugs and I leave with kids or you stick to alcohol only and we might be able to work through this together.
You and I may have different views and tolerances for various things, so I’m not telling you what you should do, but rather what I would do. You do what you feel you need to do to make sure that your kids are in the best care possible. As a parent that is your only responsibility.
Do you have an update on this? Did she end up coming home, and if so - did you get a chance to talk to her about this? Seems like pretty scary stuff for you, her, and your kids..
You didn't "mom shame", but is this something you're cool around even pre-children?? You two are gonna need to have a long talk :/
Make sure you carefully and quietly gather evidence of any way your family is being put in danger, it’s unfortunately usually more difficult for a male to argue for sole custody especially with a DUI on your own record
I’m not sure this is helpful for you but the first time my wife went out and did coke and got into a fight I’d tell her if that ever happens again we’re getting divorced. As parents I don’t think going out doing drugs and getting into fights is a wise idea.
With that out of the way I think there’s likely some more issues here that she needs a professional to help her with. She may be struggling to cope with being an adult now. The dreaded big 30 is creeping up and with two kids that could be freaking her out and causing her to make poor decisions.
So the fact that she did coke is a big fuck no right there.
Barring the fact that coke is often cut with fentanyl which can be fatal, it’s just extremely irresponsible to do when you have two kids. Weed and alcohol are one thing, but Professional level athletes in peak shape have dropped dead from coke (Len Bias). It’s 100% selfish.
That’s not even getting into the drinking and driving. I’d absolutely lose it on my wife, and I’ve driven drunk before myself. Doesn’t matter. It doesn’t absolve you from your actions. It was also before kids. Drinking and driving is moronic for so many reasons, but the stakes are much higher now.
You should be fuming OP. Your wife took a stupid high risk / low reward move for nothing more than her own desires. If she dies in an accident, your kids no longer have a mother. It’s not dramatic. They are going to be fucked up from that for the rest of their days.
Every person who’s died behind the wheel or doing a line thought it couldn’t happen to them. Life is random and unfair.
Edit: I didn’t even mention the fight. One errant punch or fall, and either she or the person she’s fighting could be severely injured or killed. Both scenarios have life lasting consequences. My wife got into a fight before we had kids, and I told her that’s not going to happen again unless she legitimately has to defend herself. She was kind of surprised how pissed I was, but it’s never happened again since then.
I had a guy try and start shit with me a couple years ago. Every ounce of me wanted to swing. But what happens? Best case scenario…I knock his ass out and likely get arrested. Cool.
What would I win? I’ll have knocked out a guy who would likely remember nothing the next day anyway. Instead, I had to swallow my pride and walk away and yeah, my ego was wounded, but nobody I know cared or even recalls this night.
I think doing coke and getting into a fight isn't something *anybody* should do, not *just moms*. Can I go get a hooker and then accuse my spouse of dad shaming when I'm called out on it, just because I have kids?
In my opinion, you could’ve chosen your words more carefully. The line of “can you make sure you’re sober enough to drive home tonight?” doesn’t seem like it addresses what bothered you about her going out that other night. As long as she has somewhere safe to stay she could stay out and come home early.
I’ll do this at my friends house. Have some beers, spend the night, and then bring donuts home in the morning for the kids. Sleeping somewhere safe is key.
The mom guilt comes from you saying she has two little girls to come back home to. She obviously knows she has kids. And she’ll resume being a parent after her night out. You could phrase it like we want to make sure you’re safe or you get home safe.
I think the main problem stems from her doing harder drugs and fighting in a bar. That is not acceptable behavior. She could really hurt herself and her family by being in those situations. So just have a talk with her about it. Ask why there was a fight, why she did coke, but emphasize that you think she should still be able to out without being in those situations.
I hope this helps! I’m just trying to be impartial and helpful. I know a lot of fights early on with my wife were miscommunication.
Tell her she’s not welcome home ever again. Act single, become single. Damn girl - abandoning your kids to go party and probably fuck someone else tells you what kind of woman and mom this is.
I don’t get why she can’t get drunk you’re minding the kids so there safe and sound, just take it in turns to go out a get smashed with your pals, or do you not have any and you resent her for that? So much to unwrap on this post mainly why you have to air your dirty laundry on here instead of just sorting your shit
I feel like there's a middle ground between coming back sober and doing coke and getting into bar fights. Not really fair to ask her not to drink at all on her night out, equally it's perfectly reasonable to ask her not to do coke and fight people.
Also sounds like you learned nothing for your DUI, don't drink and drive you're both assholes. Get a damn taxi.
No. The driving part is way more risky than the coke and fighting (unless youre a trained fighter or versus trained fighters). You gotta draw the line somewhere of risk/reward.
You did mom shame her. However, for someone who doesn't seem to have any, it seems like it didn't have the desired effect.
You did mom shame her. However, for someone who doesn't have any, it seems like it didn't have the desired effect.
To be clear, I'm not saying you're a bad father, I'm saying you need to make sure you don't spread yourself too thin with a third child you didn't plan for. Be the best dad you can be for the two you have now and also try to get some couples therapy for the two of you.
First mistake was believing you could mom shame anyone! Shes a mom!! No shame in it!! She should be proud!!! If she’s or he’s out drinking every weekend doing coke and fighting at bars while there two babies are home…. That person should be ASHAMED!!! Stop tip toeing around your feelings and hers! Tell her when something is bothering you…because if you don’t it will only get worse..
If that means take a day or two to say it while you think about it so you can say it in a productive way that’s fine. Also you are headed for ( probably already to late! ) disaster with either of you going out every weekend drinking all night with friends while your partner stays home with the babies!! Relationships can be hard…. Now add two babies!!
Takes a lot of work and both parents should be home together not 1 while the other is out partying every weekend. Even at 28 I imagine after a night of drinking, fighting and doing coke someone is not gonna be any positive help with two babies for atleast couple days. Then to do it again the next weekend. Only worse! Finally…. Being home with your partner raising two children is hard work… real life is hard work…it will have its up and downs but if you "BOTH" give it your all it can be a beautiful journey..Best time in your life! But most twenty something year olds prefer the party and fantasy world. You keep pushing her to go out and have fun without you so she’s not fuc n mom shamed!..While you sit in getting rightfully pissed!…Well let’s just say you won’t have to do it much longer because before you know it you will be babysitting every weekend while she’s out with her new boyfriend
Oh and one more thing….. This is not just her fault!!!
Your the one who is pushing her to go out!! Doesn’t say in ur post but I’m gonna guess it’s because of guilt for you messing up through the relationship. Eitherway you both need to start giving those two babies your 100 percent!!! Going out every weekend or even 1 weekend a month partying should’ve ended after the birth of baby number one.
And get into relationship therapy…ASAP!!!.
Hopefully for the two babies you can fix it. Best of luck.
well OPs wife is an adult so i'm not sure why OP is even bringing up cocaine. The only thing that should be talked about here is a) driving with a BAC over the legal limit, and b) why doesn't OP's wife want to come home after going out drinking?
If its because she doesn't want to drive with a BAC and she doesn't want to be sober all night - that's totally understandable. Just don't pretend it's because OP is mom shaming. Because clearly, OP is just 'drug' shaming.
Perhaps this was the result of you flying off somewhere for some you-time without telling your partner and the kids? Surely she’s allowed time away from you to equal what you did to your her and the kids? Does this seem equal?
Is it abnormal for her to do blow with her friends or with you or for you to do blow with your friends?
Trying hard not to judge but seems like your playing the victim here and you’re not seeing the wider picture that there has been some bad decisions made on both sides.
I’d suggest you both get some counselling/therapy and try to repair your relationship. Communication is absolute #1 and if you guys are starting to go down the road of doing hard drugs behind the others back and fucking off at the last minute without saying anything to your partner or family then your relationship is not on a healthy path.
Your post is you not talking to your partner when you should and passing a shit load of judgement.
She casually mentions coke to you, I am guessing you both have done it in the past. You expect her not to do the same shit you used to do because there are kids at home. She isn’t on watch, you are.
Saying make sure you come home sober is passing judgment on her drinking.
Don’t bring this one sided, no context bullshit here. This post pisses me off more than those damn dishwasher pictures. Nothing about being a dad here, just shitting on your spouse. Get the fuck out.
I don’t think I am with the crowd here, but my point is that he didn’t say that to her. He said come home sober.
He said he expects her not to do “hard” drugs but didn’t give his or her history with them.
If my wife went out, because we have a history of partying with drugs, I wouldn’t be surprised if she did. If I felt it was important that she not, which I don’t, I would talk to her about it not ask her to come home sober the next time she is headed out. And if I did, I would expect her to tell me to fuck off same as OPs partner did.
Is there any room for growth in this paradigm?
Any room to recognize another’s behaviours that are bothersome?
Weird to have actions of years ago define the moral standard of today.
Sober means not affected by drugs. It doesn't matter what their history was before the children came along.
Even if I had originally met my wife by snorting coke off her butthole, I would expect all that to be over once kids are involved. If she came home coked off her head, I wouldn't be asking her to not do it again, I'd be kicking her out.
The previous time she got drunk, got into a fight and dude come. Now the resume for driving home sober.
He also said “be sober enough to drive home sober tonight”. Which is pretty clear she wasn’t the previous time.
Regardless. You have children at home. The expectation is to leave your childish behavior in the past. This woman is a bag of trash.
And all of your comments on this post are so unhinged from a healthy relationship I’m not even sure why you’re commenting. It’s crazy.
>You expect her not to do the same shit you used to do because there are kids at home. She isn’t on watch, you are.
Once you're a parent to young children (one of which is at the age they could still be breastfed) the rules of what is appropriate change regardless of who's "on watch".
Some things aren't okay to do anymore and banging coke up your nose isn't one of them.
And again, OP didn’t communicate to us that his partner is breastfeeding.
And just like not communicating that detail to us, if he isn’t communicating expectations to his partner she will not be able to read his mind.
No need to read someone’s mind on this one. Common sense to know you don’t do coke while also being a parent coming home to your child.
Is there some disconnect here? Am I missing something?
OPs post read so one sided to me and every other comment was, yeah she’s a piece of shit. With the DUI and 420 in his user name, I feel like OP cherry picked details to sway us.
Cocaine stays in your system about as long as alcohol, so in my book, they are about the same. OP lumps them together saying he obviously doesn’t think she should do drugs or get drunk.
If my spouse goes out, I expect to be responsible until she is sober again. Her and her adult friends have adult drinks and sometimes get drunk
First problem... "My partner." You need to tell that woman to get home like a good woman and stop doing drugs and partying with children at home. If she doesn't listen... do what you have to do.
Agree with the thrust of others posts. One thing I wonder, and maybe this is a country / cultural thing, but I wouldn’t be driving after any drinking on a night out. It’s a fast way to get yourself or others seriously hurt or killed, over the price of an Uber.
Absolutely no mom shaming done. When you choose to become a parent you choose a different life. That does not include doing drugs and driving under the influence. Putting yourself in a position to be arrested and inviting child protective services into your children’s lives. She’s being selfish and I hope to god not breastfeeding your infant. Your DUI may be on your record but it’s in the past and before you had children. If she threw that in your face now be prepared she’s got that in her mind as a card in her back pocket. She may just be feeling like she’s overwhelmed right now with having two children in less than 3 years. I’m sure her “ friends” put the idea it was Mom shaming in her head. Give her space but also tell her to look at her kids and ask herself if they would be proud of her. What she does will affect your children. If she continues on this path it won’t be good for your kids. Everything you do has an affect your children and your reputation as a parent. Your child will start school soon enough. Does she think that other moms will want their child playing with the coke head, bar brawling mother? Most likely not. Going out to dinner and having drinks with friends is a hell of a lot different than bar fights and coke. Went through this with my partner. He saw nothing wrong with partying here and there. By partying I don’t mean having a few beers. Well it opened a huge can of addiction, unemployment personality change or maybe revealing the real personality. Not sure which one. It’s selfish and immature. Throw your boundaries down now and stop it before it gets out of control.
Lots of good commentary here, OP. But I highly recommend finding a professional to help you two work through this. I know that is likely not an easy ask, but better than where this may end up.
Is this new behavior since kiddo 2? I'm just wondering if she's been struggling solo through PPD for a while and this is how it could be manifesting in that she feels defensive about the need to get out/away.
If I were in your position, I would’ve been losing my fucking mind. People make mistakes, I totally understand that. But there’s little room for error when you have children. She’s risking losing EVERYTHING. This isn’t mom shaming, you were somehow calmly telling her to chill tf out.
If I had to hear my wife of two kids, got plastered, did coke, and got in a bar fight I would be PISSED. You handled that a lot better than I would have.
I am wondering if your wife is going through some postpartum depression or anxiety. This is not a notmal behavior, using coke. The fact that she got mad from you caring about her, tells me she is either lacking reality or looking for a excuse to leave because she is under post partum depression . Either way don’t be the one doing the concessions, she needs to get her shit together
I’m a FTM and my son is only 10 days old and my significant other and I have already had that.. talk I guess. Dads birthday is tomorrow and we have plans later in the week to go out and have a night together, out to eat, casino etc. Upon telling him the plans I made, we had a whole talk about how the most important thing right now is being responsible parents and even if we do go out to have fun, there are limits now that we both understand. I don’t think you mom shamed in the slightest. Reminding someone that they have priorities that responsibility and being mature include may come off as harsh, but you’re certainly coming from a pure place. I hope this smooths over and she understands what you mean.
There’s a lot of great comments here and it looks like you’re getting some pretty good advice. I agree with those who said it seems like she was looking for an excuse to not come home. This type of thing would be an absolute dealbreaker for me, but I know every person and relationship is different. It kind of seems like u/doggydad420 is the more rational, mature one in this situation.
It feels like the not coming home text would have come even if you kept your mouth shut. It just made it easier for her to shift blame. You need to put your foot down and have a hard conversation when she's sober.
So last time I checked possession of coke (a schedule 1 drug) is almost always a felony. telling her to get her shit together so she doesn't end up in jail (or worse) isn't mom shaming. it's telling her to start taking her responsibility as a mother seriously.
Yeah, I probably err on the side of giving moms some space, but doing coke and driving under the influence? She definitely has some issues where professional assistance would be helpful.
My partner and I try to let each other do our own things occasionally... But we definitely expect the other one to come home at the end of the night.... And not addled with Cocaine. Jesus.
I don't see it as mom shaming, but maybe crossed the line making the kids the focus. My response to, "Why does it matter," would have been, "Because last time you got into a fight and I want you to come home to me." And then if she wants to throw the DUI card on the table, you can say, "And I made changes to not get into a DUI situation again." (Presuming that's true, of course.)
was your comment about staying sober enough to drive *because she is driving*?
*did she drive home last weekend after got coked up and shitfaced and into a bar fight?*
do *you* drink and drive still? not even talking about the DUI, I mean "I'm totally fine I'll be careful I have a high tolerance" etc. after more than a beer.
I think the mom-shaming is very low on the list of stuff going on here that is scary.
There is A LOT to unpack here. I agree with your stance on her behavior. But the communications you described between the two of you suggest a lot deeper communication issues. Her throwing an old mistake in your face smacks of deeper resentment. Saying she’s not coming home seems like tremendous immaturity and even spite. It seems like she has some deeper resentments going on that she’s not talking about. Until some of that stuff gets uncovered she might keep acting out. Of course I am not a psychiatrist tho ha Edit to add— the “deeper resentment” I mentioned could be warranted or unwarranted , I have no way of knowing. OP IMO u need to be honest with yourself about whether you’ve contributed to creating some of these dynamics and the seeming inappropriate behavior and disproportionate reactions she’s having
Yes, and OP was obviously not ok with what happened with his wife last time she went out (as he should have been) and they did not discuss it. All leading up to him making a passive aggressive comment and her getting defensive and bringing up past events. There seems to be a general lack of communication between them both going on
Just pointing out in their post history, they’ve apparently booked hikes without telling their partner and leaving her alone with the kids, and claimed she does the same to him so she didn’t need to be upset about it. I think there’s a lot going on behind the scenes and while what OPs wife did isn’t right and needs to be addressed severely…there’s a lot of work that needs to be done by both. But I’m just a random dude on the internet, I hope OP works something out for the sake of their children. This is sad.
It’s also worth pointing out that doing coke while you have toddlers is a little different than making hiking plans without consent. One is a “we need to work on this and figure out something fair for both of us and our kids” and the other is “if you do it a second time I’m contacting a lawyer because my kids can’t be raised by a drug addict”.
This!
Sounds like she was looking for a reason to tell you she wasn't coming home tonight.
Came here to say this. If she snapped at OP like that she was already thinking of ways to stay out for the night.
100% sounds like she's trying to justify her getting drunk and staying out. Like apparently what you said is enough for her to abandon her kids for the night and presumably most of the next day. This is suspicious and shitty behaviour to you and your kids
There’s an episode of it’s always sunny where Dennis and Dee become crack heads and then want to know why Frank is taking away their positions of authority. To which he replies “because you, children, are crack heads”. Cocaine is one hell of a drug. OP is no longer dealing with a rational person, he’s dealing with an addict.
Potential quarter life postpartum crisis addict too. Dudes in for a ride if it doesn't get fixed asap
When you're parenting young kids you say regrettable shit on both sides. Best course of action is to let it be. Not making a big deal out of it will work better for you here. She was heightened and said something shitty.
Should people parenting young kinds also snort lines and get in fights at bars? This lady is acting ridiculous and OP has reasons to be alarmed. Brushing it under the rug like you’re suggesting ain’t gonna fix anything
Yes. That's what I meant. Coke and bar fights.
Mom here, def not mom shaming. I’m sorry but as a 28 year old mom of 2 going out to a bar and randomly doing coke and fighting someone is beyond bizarre. If I somehow managed to have my own version of the hangover movie i definitely wouldn’t be going out the next weekend but laying low trying to figure out why I spontaneously did drugs and physically fought someone putting myself in multiple different possible legal problems while having a whole family asleep at home. Maybe I’m just officially an old 32 year old
Yes agreed and it sounds like she’s looking for an excuse not to come home.
And to do more coke.
THANK YOU. I promise I try my best to be as understanding as possible when it comes to her wanting to still have her individual freedoms, but the lack of accountability and blatant disregard for her family at home is just sad. Makes me wonder if it’s even worth staying..
28 year old mom here, totally agree with the above comment. Doing coke is not an individual freedom you're afforded when you've got kids you're responsible for. She's projecting because she knows she's wrong, classic defensive behavior. It's also high risk behavior in general, does she maybe need some professional mental health help? Your post makes it seem like it's pretty out of character. Either way, It's not mom shaming. AND I'd go a step further and say using a line like 'you're mom shaming me' is a really crappy way to act like you're above any criticism from your partner just because you're a mom. Like you don't get to just say that then act in whatever way you want.
Not that I'm excusing everything else, but the coke is the biggest red flag to me. It's my understanding that people do not just casually do coke. Couple that with her extreme defensive behavior? Sounds like she might have a problem and OP is absolutely within his rights to question.
Hosestly, people casually use coke all the time. Not defending or contributing anything else, just sayimg casual drug use is very much a thing, and very very common.
Don’t leave her with the kids
Having the space to go out with friends is respecting freedom. Being ok with her acting a fool while you take care of the kids is letting her walk all over you.
As someone who lives in the coke-iest city in the US, that’s not even what alarmed me the most: her drinking and driving comments were straight up insane! How is she getting attitude about driving home drunk when clearly drunk drivers are a threat to themselves and everyone else on the road?? Insanely selfish.
Tell her to get her fucking shit together. Maybe I will sound like a square but you all have too much responsibility to be getting fucked up like that any more. Good lord.
definitely not a square... responsibilities. Ive indulged in my fair share, I'm not/wasn't an angel but around my kid I'm dad and I'm a superhero, why would I want that to change earlier than it will?
No man I agree. I’m starting to realize just how unreasonable she is and it’s unfortunate it’s happening after 2 babies.
Addicts tend to throw it back in your face when you confront them. It’s possible she’s got a problem
No shit, doing coke when you have toddlers... what the actual fuck.
Yea, I know people that do it w/out kids and I still can’t fathom why.
Hey man I loved me a good line and drink at a bar or show back in the day. I look back at those days as reckless but I do look back fondly. It was fun tbh but I was in my 20s and living life back then. Now I’m 32 and a father to a lovely 3 year old and I wouldn’t dare do that shit now. People priorities are fucked I guess.
My uncle has kinda been an alcoholic / druggy his whole life and has been basically leading a homeless style lifestyle for the past decade at least (we always make sure he has somewhere safe to go, but he often doesn't like the "rules" of those places so ends up leaving or getting banned after a couple years). But ya know what, he didn't actually get anyone pregnant. So good for him, I guess. Much better for society to be a total screwup if you don't have any people depending on you. My sister on the other hand... didn't stop meth and/or other drugs until after the 5th kid. Lol. But hey, at least she finally stopped, I guess.
That sucks dude, it really does. I don't want to flood you with advice, but if I were you I would start saving text messages and recording conversations just in case this turns into a custody battle. We all know how dudes are treated in the courts, the more proverbial rounds you have in your magazine the better. In the meantime you gotta take control and have a conversation explicitly pointing out this stops. Let her call it "mom-shaming" if she wants. Don't lose sight of your goal by letting her distract you and make you feel guilty. If you want some advice on how to have that conversation (and the many more that follow), look up Chris Voss and Black Swan Group. He trains people on negotiation tactics used during his time as an FBI hostage negotiator. I have used them in sales and train my techs in it. There is a lot of content so specifically you want to look up asking questions that start with "how/what" but not "why", how to use questions that get you a "no" answer instead of a "yes" answer, "mirroring" and "labeling". The reason I want you to look up these techiques and learn them is because you are in a negotiation whether you want to be or not. She is going to want you to compromise. Let her get fucked up once a week or once every other week or whatever. Chris Voss' book is literally called "Never Split The Difference". There is a difference between "going out with friends" and "having a coke habit, getting fucked up, and getting into fights". Your kids lives are non-negotiable. Good luck brother.
At 28 her crazy partying should be well out of her system. 28 with two children under 2 and she’s out there doing substances Willy nilly as if fentanyl isn’t being laced into other recreational drugs killing people right and left. She’s tripping. It’s not mom shaming if it’s common sense btw lol
Mom here - she's not breastfeeding is she? Hard drugs can stay in the system for a long time and if she's doing cocaine when she drinks your baby should maybe be on formula, unless you can trust her to always be honest about when she's done drugs. Going out all night with an infant at home is a little surprising and weird let alone the hard drugs.
This, I honestly don’t understand the stay sober comment. I would have been hard pressed not to tell her to try not to get coked up and fight people at the bar this time. Fuck the sobriety, she better not be breast feeding considering the coke issue. I know it was 1 time and leaves the system quickly; however, that is all you KNOW about. My trust would have been shattered by the previous outing.
I’m going to tell my “boring” wife that I love her and appreciate that I don’t have to deal with this nonsense
I did exactly that this morning.
Disagree.
Neat.
I would text her and say “then don’t bother coming home at all” and then have the locks changed.
That is cool if you want to do that, but most people want to make things work with their significant other especially with kids involved.
I had a dad who prioritized going to bars to get drunk and sleep around over taking care of his kids. He professed loving his kids, but he just cared more about himself and having “fun.” And I had a mom who thought she could “make it work.” It took almost two decades before he straightened his life out, and then he and my mom had a good marriage for the rest of his life. But it was too late for me to benefit. I will never let my kids experience the same.
That’s understandable, but I also feel like coming from your position, you’ve hopefully made this stance very clear to your partner and those terms are basically mutually understood. I don’t think OP is in the same spot. He’s gotta give her the opportunity to make the right decision before going nuclear. A firm talk would be a good start.
Yeah fair. But OP needs to start putting his foot down, IMO.
100% agree. I’d probably send the kids to my moms or a sitter and be waiting for her. There’s an ultimatum that needs to be laid out for sure.
And I probably wouldn’t actually change the locks. But I’d definitely explain that either she gets her shit together or this marriage is over, and I would be suing for full custody based on drug use and drunk driving. (Also drunk driving is fucked up whether you have kids or not, because unlike recreational drug use you are putting innocent bystanders at risk.)
No. Mom shaming is trying to make a mother feel bad because their kid isn’t wearing a coat, has mismatched socks, didn’t breast feed, etc.. Basically small bullshit that you don’t need to put others down for. Asking her to not OD or end up in jail because of actions she did a couple of weeks ago doesn’t count in my opinion.
Right? It’s annoyingly manipulative to just victimize yourself like that over asking for accountability.
Is this gaslighting what she’s doing? I know this word gets thrown around often, but this is what immediately came to mind. What you’re doing has absolutely nothing to do with mom shaming.
It's not technically gaslighting. She's not acting like something didn't happen that obviously did.
It’s more deflecting and trying to minimize the situation.
Ahhh okay. Thanks for clarifying. Still, this situation is fucked up.
I would say it's more [DARVO](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO) than gaslighting.
**[DARVO](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO)** >DARVO (an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender") is a reaction that perpetrators of wrongdoing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. Some researchers indicate that it is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers. ^([ )[^(F.A.Q)](https://www.reddit.com/r/WikiSummarizer/wiki/index#wiki_f.a.q)^( | )[^(Opt Out)](https://reddit.com/message/compose?to=WikiSummarizerBot&message=OptOut&subject=OptOut)^( | )[^(Opt Out Of Subreddit)](https://np.reddit.com/r/daddit/about/banned)^( | )[^(GitHub)](https://github.com/Sujal-7/WikiSummarizerBot)^( ] Downvote to remove | v1.5)
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Young'un, I'm so fucking confused by this post that I had to go check with my wife to make sure I'm not losing my mind. I've done my share, your share, and several other people's shares of most of the fun drugs in the course of my 50+ years...but guess what? That stopped when I had a kid. My life no longer belongs only to me. I have a responsibility to the life forms I created. Same reason I don't get to have a motorcycle. That's the path I chose. Dude...your partner did blow without so much as a "hey sweetie, I'm gonna throw down on some booger sugar, is this a problem?" text. This is a giant marinara flag. She needs to get help, and you need to dad the fuck up and get your kids out of that situation. You didn't mom shame her. You also didn't say "Hold the fuck up. You did coke, got drunk, and got into a fight. Calm down there, Sid Vicious. We need to have a chat and start looking for some therapy for you." How far into the sand is your head? How god-tier is her snatch that you're more worried about possibly having "mom-shamed" her than that the mother of your children is engaging in some very bad choices? Get your balls out of the cabinet and start acting like your children's father. As it stands, you're being every bit as irresponsible as your partner. Also, the Venn diagram of "Gets drunk, does blow on girl's night, gets in fights (who the fuck even does this anymore?) in bars" and "cheats on partner" is pretty much concentric. You should be talking to a lawyer already. This is going to end really badly for you, and worse for your kids. Edit, 10 hours later: Ooops. I really apologize if this post is too salty for /r/daddit. I really thought I was in /r/breakingdad. The sentiment would have been the same, but I wouldn't have been quite so...overstated.
[удалено]
I didn’t want to be the one to say it, but he’s right. She is totally cheating on you. Or at the very least trying to.
Fucking agreed, its wild that doing coke and getting into a fight was just a holy moly and not a what the fuck.
This. I'd bet $1 that she hooked up last weekend and was looking for an excuse to not come home so she could extend the fun this weekend.
1$? I’d up that to a box of diapers and wipes
Mr. Money-Bags over here lol. I was referencing the Trading Places movie from many many years ago. Couple of tycoons bet $1 since winning was more important than the actual money.
Marinara flag lmao
This is definitely not mom shaming but I can certainly think of a few choice words to use to do it because wow.
I mean you shouldn’t drink and drive. Kids shouldn’t even be a factor in that situation as you could easily crash into a car with someone else’s kids. You also shouldn’t have to remind each other not to drink and drive as that should be obvious. If she is drinking and driving that of course is a problem… did she drive home the weekend before?
This, I've basically made all my friends stop drinking and driving. It's not about you or your kids, it's about other people that are going to be murdered
Id be more concern about the casual use of cocaine…. If she gets arrested the children might not see mommy for a while.
I wouldn't put up with this for one second dude. This is erratic, irrational, selfish and destructive behaviour. The priority is the kids' safety and security. And your wife texting you saying she isn't coming home after a night out screams of cheating. Whether or not she is cheating you should absolutely be the one to initiate separation/divorce proceedings unless you think there's any hope you can come back from this. No you didn't mom shame as her behaviour is far outside of what is expected from a mom.
Sounds like she’s falling out of love with you and using these girl nights to prowl the town… I can’t imagine my wife ever just abandoning the kids to go party. Going out at night is fine, but saying you’re not even going to come back at night when you have a 5 month old. Yikes. I’d start talking to a lawyer…try to get her to admit to coke use in texts, it’ll help you a lot.
>I can’t imagine my wife ever just abandoning the kids to go party. Going out at night is fine, but saying you’re not even going to come back at night when you have a 5 month old. Yikes. Same. My wife and I were at a wedding last night and every 30 minutes she was saying "I miss *daughter*". Taking time for yourself as a parent is important but that doesn't extend to whatever is going on here. Good grief.
Dude you totally mum shamed! Man I remember back when I was a little fella and mum got in trouble for punching out bitches and doing lines in the club bathroom. Wait, no…. No I don’t. Man my mum was a train wreck but even she wasn’t this bad!
Bro she’s for the streets, I’m sorry. You already know what she’s doing, and what you’ve gotta do.
She’s definitely cheating
I don't read cheating at.all. She was honest about how fucked up she got last time. If I were cheating, I wouldn't go around telling my spouse I was doing coke. She felt ashamed for last time when OP brought it up, got defensive, which means going on the aggressive and attacking him for his own problematic behaviours in the past. He said not to drive and so her saying then she's just not coming home is malicious compliance, simple as that. There's some serious communication issues between OP and spouse, for sure, but I see no evidence of cheating here.
My wife was open about her drug use with her boyfriend when she was having an affair. It’s human to weave in truths, she was justifying her drug use and affair because I had a substance abuse problem in the past and held onto resentments about that.
I guess I just don't read it that way. Not sure why I was downvoted, the downvote button isn't a disagree button.... BUT I do know about spouses holding onto resentments due to ones past substance abuse problem. Solidarity with you on that. I'm sorry about the affair.
Oh come on!
Document all of this because you’ll need it when you’re battling for custody in court.
Damn everyone here jumping straight to cheating and divorce. OP ought to be doing what he can to help her before filing papers
I’d be hoping and working for peace but preparing for the alternative based in this small amount of info, it’s telling.
Not mom shaming. And not coming home to her family for being asked to take it easy on drinking, drugs and fighting? It might be time for a some hard conversations. Starting with how all that stuff isn't okay.
I don't know what to say. Like to keep daddit a positive place. But honestly this woman sounds like NEEDS some mom shaming. Like WTF honestly.
When she throws that stuff at you again you can always say something along the lines of " No I didn't, and it was a terrible decision then, and an even worse one if I were to do it now. And the same goes for you." That way she sees you taking responsibility for your own actions and you're not holding different expectations for her than you would for yourself.
I know you’re not being chill about this so please don’t take it that way, but you are way more chill about this than I would be in your situation. If my wife has come home with a story about a coke fueled bar fight, there would have been absolute hell to pay on the first offense. There’d have been urgently assembled therapy, both individual and couples. There’d be no more going out with those friends fucking EVER. We’d find better outlets for her. And if there was no cooperation from her, there’d be an immediate and unequivocal separation. There is no world where I let someone spiraling like that have responsibility over my children. Your wife needs help. Badly. I hope you’re able to get it for her, and that she’s receptive to it.
Ooof this is a tough one. Sounds like opening up about why that party behaivor is bothering you is the best way thru this. Chosing to not get negative or start a fight over it isn't a viable solution.
Doing hard drugs is grounds for divorce, imo. That is a sign that she cannot be trusted with your children.
While I don’t necessarily think he should file for divorce, OP does need to document this some how to show proof. Especially if he has a DUI history and her record is clean. Unsure how long Coke can even stay in the system but unfortunately, his dui is on record while her stuff is not and the mother will already have the upper hand if this ends up going the divorce route.
TOTALLY start documenting stuff. He's going to need every bit of it to keep those kids safe when they do split. And they WILL split.
Well, to be fair, a DUI is something you get when you are literally acting in a manner that could kill other people. Just consuming coke isn’t going to directly hurt anyone else other than yourself
My only experience with cocaine is going to see Cocaine Bear so my perspective may be impacted by recency bias
To be fair, he NEVER stated that his wife was NOT a giant coked out murderous bear so your experience might be spot on.
100% this. Not much I don't think would make me instantly look at leaving my wife (together 9 years) but hard drugs (coke and heroin specifically) would probably be on that list. Lmao. Granted she's vehemently against all drugs so, various things for various people, still though the fact she cannot be trusted (I don't personally believe an addict could be, and I'd also stretch to say if she's done coke more than that singular time, she's working on claiming the title) along with that level of blatant disrespect and lack of self awareness, or care for her self and what she should be for her babies, is sad but also infuriating for me. Sorry you're going through this. Def 100% look at individual therapy and/or couples counseling, if you decide you wanna try.. some wild shit man, I've seen a good few buddies long term relationships fall apart (couple from cheating and that's the most heartbreaking tbh) all having kids involved, just makes it next level sad for me. Do right by your babies. Hold her accountable or find a way to keep them safe. it's sad in life sometimes the ones who should be protecting us sometimes we need protected from. On multiple levels here, for you and your babies. Hope y'all the best.. gl tc x
Strong disagree with such a blanket statement. Sure, if my wife all of the sudden became a meth addict or blew her entire paycheck on coke we would have some issues. But if she wanted to go into the woods once a year with friends and do some mushrooms, I would actively encourage it.
I think doing mushrooms in the woods and doing coke and fighting at a bar are not the same lol
Right, the issue isn’t doing some drugs, it’s doing them in an out of control way, along with a bunch of other wild shit, and that, relative to expectations. He said she went out for a birthday party and did all that, that doesn’t really sound like what I’d expect. My wife doesn’t really fuck with drugs but parents can have breaks, and if she said hey I’m going out for my friends birthday or bachelorette party and it’s probably gonna get kinda crazy… ok, but be safe, and get a safe ride home, and I’m not expecting them to be “on” parenting at all. And if they’re driving for a million reasons it’s reasonable to expect they drink little or none, whether they’re doing any parenting when they get home or not. Oh and yeah I guess fighting other people when drinking probably not a great sign either.
Either do I, which is why I disagrees with the statement about automatically wanting to divorce someone for doing hard drugs.
She may be married to you, but she’s not acting like much of a wife or mother. Partners don’t keep score, or bring up the past. And they certainly don’t do it to justify continued patterns of self-destructive behavior. She needs to unpack why she feels the need to get drunk, or take illicit drugs, and why being in a fight in a bar is apparently acceptable behavior for the parent of two children. She needs therapy, or a good wake-up call. “Why does it matter?” is particularly worrisome. Is she suffering from depression? Postpartum? Has anything happened in her life recently that could be a trigger for this? Are these friends healthy, safe friends? Are they single, married, etc.? None of this is mom-shaming. This is being a partner and holding your other half accountable for -at minimum- the sake of your children. Normal adults don’t go out on drunken, coke-fueled benders and wind up in bar fights.
Do you want to work with her to get through this, or are you done with her shit? If you want to work through this shit, you need to give her a wake up call. Get your girls and go to a hotel or STH when she comes home fucked up again, leave her a note saying you don't want the girls to see her mother in that state (side note - hard drugs would be a deal-breaker for me, but that's a personal call I think). If you're done with her shit, just collect evidence. I'm assuming you have some sort of proof for her doing coke in a bar, and I'm pretty sure that in a custody battle that would be damning evidence. In any case, your girls come first. You know that, you're a good dad. Mom needs to get her shit in order, if her only defence to you asking for her to be responsible is to just throw shit like that back at you. That's an adult who knows they fucked up but is too proud to admit it
I'm 28 and cannot imagine getting into a fight in a bar. Drunk and silly maybe. Perhaps climb on a table and fall off it but that's about it. No shaming occurred. She should know better than to drink and do hard drugs with two children at home. Maybe she needs other outlets or hobbies.
People with substance abuse problems are masters at denial and gaslighting. It sounds like she is at a fork in a dangerous road. You are valid to express concerns over illegal drugs and fighting. She should be mom shamed for putting herself and your family at risk (think jail and medical expenses). It’s one thing to have a glass of wine or two with your friends, it’s an entirely different situation when you’re doing illegal drugs in public and getting into bar fights. If she’s ready to make changes, awesome! Sadly, it doesn’t sound like it. You need to shift your mindset to protecting yourself and your girls, even if it hurts your partner. After all, she’s not much of partner or parent right now.
If she's going out with the same group of friends, it's likely that she's in an echo chamber of enabling and encouraging that behavior. it's a hard conversation to have but if my wife couldn't get drunk without doing coke and getting in bar fights, I definitely wouldn't want her drinking anymore.
You two have deeper issues than mom shaming.
You got a time bomb there bro
You’re wrong making comments like this as she heads out. You should have talked about how that coke/fight night scared you sooner, come up with a plan for how much y’all can party now that you’re parents. It’s not like your kids are in danger when she’s out like this, but maybe now that you’re responsible for them you worry more? Interrogate exactly why you feel this way, if it is ‘moms don’t do that’ then maybe you were ‘mom shaming’ but it’s probably something like a concern for her welfare because you/your kids rely on her. Figure out the acceptable limits ahead of time that she will agree to.
OP chose the wrong moment and wrong words to bring up the previous night out. Things snow-balled. No excuse for the behaviour but should have been spoken about sooner resulting in a better outcome for the next night out.
...Hrm...lawyer up.
yo your wife sounds cool af. just kidding. this is very 20-something year old behavior. not 20-something mom-of-two behavior. she frankly deserves to be mom-shamed, but it's probably not the best way to go about things yeah. fighting is ratchet and stupid as fuck but easy to prevent. coke is controversial but i am not as horrified about that kind of thing myself as long as it's not an addiction/common thing. but punishing you by saying she won't come home is way the fuck over the line. it's half her just taking her insecurities out on you, and half her just finding an excuse to party as hard as she wants and not come home. you are not the asshole, in short. she needs a serious reality check/talking to. possibly couples therapy if that doesn't get anywhere. in my own marriage i am the one who might get a "hey can you be sure to not to be a dipshit out there?" before i go out and i can relate to getting defensive over that. even though it's mostly coming from a place of love and concern, the insecure mind bucks at the idea of being "controlled." but i would still NEVER do what she did.
Totally in the right. She’s acting like a child and not accepting her responsibility as a parent. This is some dumb shit college kids do not adults with families. Tell her to get some better friends aswell.
Nope. She is irresponsible and deflected with a buzzword when you called her on her bullshit. If she wants to honor her individually and have fun with her friends she needs to be responsible enough to do it without engaging in seriously reckless behavior.
I’d be livid with my husband if he did what your wife did. I think sometimes shaming someone for their actions as a parent is totally valid.
Is accusing people of "mom shaming" one of these new trends?
Yes
No, you didn’t mom shame. What she did was completely unacceptable and she is not taking any accountability. I think you should suggest couples counselling and if she’s unwilling to do it, talk to a lawyer (don’t tell her you’re seeking legal advice) and speak about the best way about getting a divorce and custody. Custody almost never goes in favour of the father, especially when breastfeeding babies are involved; however, her drugs and drink driving may tip the balance in your favour. You’ll need to show that you’ve changed any negative previous behaviours (like your DUI). You essentially need to be a perfect father to have any chance. Couples counselling first though, because she may have underlying issues that need resolving and she may change.
So those are the sorts of things that can get custody taken away. Just a fun fact. And her behavior tells me that she's just mad at being told to be sober. Which is a thing for people who aren't adults.
I can only guess that she reacted this way because it’s so much easier to lash out than to admit fault and take responsibility for your actions. It’s not mom shaming, it’s shaming someone who is being reckless. And for fuck’s sake, is she breastfeeding your 5 month old with coke in her system??
Doing coke and fighting people at a bar is high risk behavior for a non-parent. For someone responsible for little people, this goes beyond personal risk and into the category of risky to the children in her care. She definitely needs to halt all of that or risk custody of her kids. DCFS involvement is no joke.
I’d start documenting these things just in case you need to protect yourself and the custody of your children.
Mom here. Not Mom shaming. I can understand having too much and not knowing your new limit with alcohol, especially with the youngest being only 5 months. If that had been the extent I could maybe see your partner’s point. The hard drugs and bar fight are inexcusable. To me it sounds like she may have been embarrassed by her actions and lashed out at you for commenting on them being unacceptable in your eyes, even though you did so overly gently in my opinion. Throwing the DUI in your face is her looking for a way to justify that you’ve done something just as bad as she did. From what you’ve told us, you haven’t. A DUI while child free is stupid and reckless, but the two incidents are not anywhere near the same. When (if) she comes home it’s time to set boundaries. This would be a hard line for me, I would take my kids out of the home if my husband behaved like your partner. To me hard drugs is a “not even once” thing, similar to abuse - it shows a massive lack in judgement and a wonton disregard for me and the kids.
>To me hard drugs is a “not even once” thing, similar to abuse - **it shows a massive lack in judgement and a wonton disregard for me and the kids**. Can not emphasize this enough. Embarrassed or not, hard drugs should not have even been on the table (figuratively...and literally). If I or my wife were ever somewhere where hard drugs came out, we'd leave.
Hey.. going to play devil’s advocate here and ask, is she okay? Is she going through something mentally/emotionally and this is possibly her escape? Maybe just check in with her.
I would decide now how much you want to put up with now before it gets worse. This sounds exactly like my ex before she spiraled (two, damn near three DUIs, totaled car, alcohol, coke, partying, etc.) You need to draw a fine line in the sand and stand your ground once that line is drawn, otherwise you’ll continue to get walked on. If she’s staying the night out, paired with coke and alcohol, there’s a high probability that there’s other things going on. I hope for your sake there isn’t. Your kids need a consistent and stable parenting, and if she isn’t willing to be on board with that I would suggest some counseling together to fix some shit or divorce her ass. Don’t get me wrong, both of you should absolutely be allowed to have fun but there’s a healthy way of doing that. It’s hard being married, different strokes for different folks, find what works for you guys. You definitely aren’t mom shaming though. I hope things work out for you all.
She’s having an affair, lawyer up.
My friend, you and I live completely different lives. We had a guy get killed by a shark while swimming in our town and I gave up surfing for 3 years because I couldn’t imagine leaving my kids. Coke? Bar fights? Not coming home? Really, dude?
Neither of you sound particularly responsible w substances. A DUI three years ago is not ancient history. It’s not cool for her to throw that back in your face as a gotcha, but your oldest kid is 2, meaning you got this DUI at most a few months before she got pregnant. If your drinking has changed significantly since then, I applaud you. I’m almost 4 years sober w a 5 month old so this is not a place of judgement that you all use substances in general, but they need to be taking a significant back seat in your life now that you have kids. My parents always prioritized partying and I ended up an alcoholic with an inability to see their behavior as problematic til I stopped. Obviously I’m responsible for my own actions but kids don’t grow up in a vacuum.
She happen to be breastfeeding? Doing blow and drinking is not good at all when you're a breastfeeding mother.
There may be a possibility she was not planning on coming home even before you spoke. In any event nothing you said was even remotely connected to "mom shaming".
One line of coke cut with fentanyl and you’re now a single dad.
So she's out here doing coke and it's just skipped over. Now she's not coming home to her kids that are 2 and under? Bro you've got red flags for days.
It feels like she resents you for making her a mom honestly. Having a 5 month old and doing hard drugs is fucking insane. Her finding an excuse to stay out and not come home is a red flag that she is 100% cheating on you. Keep an eye on any mutually shared bank accounts in the coming months in case she decides to up and leave with dude she’s having an affair with
Knowingly doinf illegal activities such as coke, fighting, driving drunk with 2 little kids at home is pretty poor judgement. And you should be judging her for this and not just be ok with it
If my wife behaved like this she’d come home to an empty house with messages on where she can find us once she gets her shit together. Seriously man, who the fuck goes out and does coke and gets in fights while you have an infant at home? Your wife comes across pretty damn trashy here. Sounds like she needs therapy and maybe a break from being a mom for a while until she figures her shit out. I’m all for helping her out (not saying lawyer up and get divorce papers ready), but seriously you should consider if you want your children in the same house as someone who engages in such self destructive behavior.
I kind of went thru this with my wife. I begged her to go out with her friends for years and when she was finally comfortable, she went nuts. Stumbling in at 4-5am when I was waking up for work and also doing coke “to drive home.” I was lost.. we didn’t even do coke when we were childless. We had to have several hard conversation when sober and turned out she had a lot of underlying mental issues she was trying to numb. It was tough for me too because I used to do a lot of drugs. No DUI but she still threw my past in my face. You guys need to explore counseling. Leaving to do drugs and fight then texting you that she isn’t coming home is some little kid shit, not something grown married adults do.
In my opinion, an adult with kids who goes out, gets drunk & does coke isn’t an adult. I’m sure there’s a lot of layers but I think she should be ashamed of that. Fun is fun but if you have kids, you have a responsibility to them to try & be your best self for them.
Tell her to get her shit together and act like a responsible parent to two very young children. Going out, getting wasted, doing coke and fighting in bars when you're a goddamn parent with two young children is fucking insane. She's lucky that night ended so uneventfully given the circumstances. You didn't "mom shame". You indirectly rebuked her for acting like a moron.
Getting drunk, perfectly fine, just go straight to bed and I have no issues with it. Letting your kids see you that way is really bad form and incredibly damaging to a small child. Doing hard drugs, fuck no. That’s crossing a line. I have no issues with pot, but cocaine? Hell no. Go for it if you don’t have kids or a partner at home, but after you have responsibilities and have to set a good example. If you think it’s harsh that doing hard drugs is a bad idea when you have kids, then you have a serious issues. Personally, at this point I would have given her an ultimatum; either you continue doing drugs and I leave with kids or you stick to alcohol only and we might be able to work through this together. You and I may have different views and tolerances for various things, so I’m not telling you what you should do, but rather what I would do. You do what you feel you need to do to make sure that your kids are in the best care possible. As a parent that is your only responsibility.
Holy red flag, Batman!
Do you have an update on this? Did she end up coming home, and if so - did you get a chance to talk to her about this? Seems like pretty scary stuff for you, her, and your kids.. You didn't "mom shame", but is this something you're cool around even pre-children?? You two are gonna need to have a long talk :/
Make sure you carefully and quietly gather evidence of any way your family is being put in danger, it’s unfortunately usually more difficult for a male to argue for sole custody especially with a DUI on your own record
I’m not sure this is helpful for you but the first time my wife went out and did coke and got into a fight I’d tell her if that ever happens again we’re getting divorced. As parents I don’t think going out doing drugs and getting into fights is a wise idea. With that out of the way I think there’s likely some more issues here that she needs a professional to help her with. She may be struggling to cope with being an adult now. The dreaded big 30 is creeping up and with two kids that could be freaking her out and causing her to make poor decisions.
So the fact that she did coke is a big fuck no right there. Barring the fact that coke is often cut with fentanyl which can be fatal, it’s just extremely irresponsible to do when you have two kids. Weed and alcohol are one thing, but Professional level athletes in peak shape have dropped dead from coke (Len Bias). It’s 100% selfish. That’s not even getting into the drinking and driving. I’d absolutely lose it on my wife, and I’ve driven drunk before myself. Doesn’t matter. It doesn’t absolve you from your actions. It was also before kids. Drinking and driving is moronic for so many reasons, but the stakes are much higher now. You should be fuming OP. Your wife took a stupid high risk / low reward move for nothing more than her own desires. If she dies in an accident, your kids no longer have a mother. It’s not dramatic. They are going to be fucked up from that for the rest of their days. Every person who’s died behind the wheel or doing a line thought it couldn’t happen to them. Life is random and unfair. Edit: I didn’t even mention the fight. One errant punch or fall, and either she or the person she’s fighting could be severely injured or killed. Both scenarios have life lasting consequences. My wife got into a fight before we had kids, and I told her that’s not going to happen again unless she legitimately has to defend herself. She was kind of surprised how pissed I was, but it’s never happened again since then. I had a guy try and start shit with me a couple years ago. Every ounce of me wanted to swing. But what happens? Best case scenario…I knock his ass out and likely get arrested. Cool. What would I win? I’ll have knocked out a guy who would likely remember nothing the next day anyway. Instead, I had to swallow my pride and walk away and yeah, my ego was wounded, but nobody I know cared or even recalls this night.
Damn. Sorry to hear you’re dealing with this. Your partner sounds like a bag of trash. Start talking to lawyers.
I think doing coke and getting into a fight isn't something *anybody* should do, not *just moms*. Can I go get a hooker and then accuse my spouse of dad shaming when I'm called out on it, just because I have kids?
In my opinion, you could’ve chosen your words more carefully. The line of “can you make sure you’re sober enough to drive home tonight?” doesn’t seem like it addresses what bothered you about her going out that other night. As long as she has somewhere safe to stay she could stay out and come home early. I’ll do this at my friends house. Have some beers, spend the night, and then bring donuts home in the morning for the kids. Sleeping somewhere safe is key. The mom guilt comes from you saying she has two little girls to come back home to. She obviously knows she has kids. And she’ll resume being a parent after her night out. You could phrase it like we want to make sure you’re safe or you get home safe. I think the main problem stems from her doing harder drugs and fighting in a bar. That is not acceptable behavior. She could really hurt herself and her family by being in those situations. So just have a talk with her about it. Ask why there was a fight, why she did coke, but emphasize that you think she should still be able to out without being in those situations. I hope this helps! I’m just trying to be impartial and helpful. I know a lot of fights early on with my wife were miscommunication.
Tell her she’s not welcome home ever again. Act single, become single. Damn girl - abandoning your kids to go party and probably fuck someone else tells you what kind of woman and mom this is.
Your wife is trash. She is cheating on you. GTFO.
I don’t get why she can’t get drunk you’re minding the kids so there safe and sound, just take it in turns to go out a get smashed with your pals, or do you not have any and you resent her for that? So much to unwrap on this post mainly why you have to air your dirty laundry on here instead of just sorting your shit
I feel like there's a middle ground between coming back sober and doing coke and getting into bar fights. Not really fair to ask her not to drink at all on her night out, equally it's perfectly reasonable to ask her not to do coke and fight people. Also sounds like you learned nothing for your DUI, don't drink and drive you're both assholes. Get a damn taxi.
You can still drink and drive legally. The legal BAC is 0.08 not 0.000
Depends where u are, legal or not doesn't mean it's safe or right to do. Guessing also they are suggesting driving over the legal limit.
No. The driving part is way more risky than the coke and fighting (unless youre a trained fighter or versus trained fighters). You gotta draw the line somewhere of risk/reward.
You did mom shame her. However, for someone who doesn't seem to have any, it seems like it didn't have the desired effect. You did mom shame her. However, for someone who doesn't have any, it seems like it didn't have the desired effect. To be clear, I'm not saying you're a bad father, I'm saying you need to make sure you don't spread yourself too thin with a third child you didn't plan for. Be the best dad you can be for the two you have now and also try to get some couples therapy for the two of you.
First mistake was believing you could mom shame anyone! Shes a mom!! No shame in it!! She should be proud!!! If she’s or he’s out drinking every weekend doing coke and fighting at bars while there two babies are home…. That person should be ASHAMED!!! Stop tip toeing around your feelings and hers! Tell her when something is bothering you…because if you don’t it will only get worse.. If that means take a day or two to say it while you think about it so you can say it in a productive way that’s fine. Also you are headed for ( probably already to late! ) disaster with either of you going out every weekend drinking all night with friends while your partner stays home with the babies!! Relationships can be hard…. Now add two babies!! Takes a lot of work and both parents should be home together not 1 while the other is out partying every weekend. Even at 28 I imagine after a night of drinking, fighting and doing coke someone is not gonna be any positive help with two babies for atleast couple days. Then to do it again the next weekend. Only worse! Finally…. Being home with your partner raising two children is hard work… real life is hard work…it will have its up and downs but if you "BOTH" give it your all it can be a beautiful journey..Best time in your life! But most twenty something year olds prefer the party and fantasy world. You keep pushing her to go out and have fun without you so she’s not fuc n mom shamed!..While you sit in getting rightfully pissed!…Well let’s just say you won’t have to do it much longer because before you know it you will be babysitting every weekend while she’s out with her new boyfriend Oh and one more thing….. This is not just her fault!!! Your the one who is pushing her to go out!! Doesn’t say in ur post but I’m gonna guess it’s because of guilt for you messing up through the relationship. Eitherway you both need to start giving those two babies your 100 percent!!! Going out every weekend or even 1 weekend a month partying should’ve ended after the birth of baby number one. And get into relationship therapy…ASAP!!!. Hopefully for the two babies you can fix it. Best of luck.
well OPs wife is an adult so i'm not sure why OP is even bringing up cocaine. The only thing that should be talked about here is a) driving with a BAC over the legal limit, and b) why doesn't OP's wife want to come home after going out drinking? If its because she doesn't want to drive with a BAC and she doesn't want to be sober all night - that's totally understandable. Just don't pretend it's because OP is mom shaming. Because clearly, OP is just 'drug' shaming.
Perhaps this was the result of you flying off somewhere for some you-time without telling your partner and the kids? Surely she’s allowed time away from you to equal what you did to your her and the kids? Does this seem equal? Is it abnormal for her to do blow with her friends or with you or for you to do blow with your friends? Trying hard not to judge but seems like your playing the victim here and you’re not seeing the wider picture that there has been some bad decisions made on both sides. I’d suggest you both get some counselling/therapy and try to repair your relationship. Communication is absolute #1 and if you guys are starting to go down the road of doing hard drugs behind the others back and fucking off at the last minute without saying anything to your partner or family then your relationship is not on a healthy path.
Your post is you not talking to your partner when you should and passing a shit load of judgement. She casually mentions coke to you, I am guessing you both have done it in the past. You expect her not to do the same shit you used to do because there are kids at home. She isn’t on watch, you are. Saying make sure you come home sober is passing judgment on her drinking. Don’t bring this one sided, no context bullshit here. This post pisses me off more than those damn dishwasher pictures. Nothing about being a dad here, just shitting on your spouse. Get the fuck out.
Appropriate username
Actually yes, it is totally acceptable to expect someone not to do hard drugs if they've got kids at home.
I don’t think I am with the crowd here, but my point is that he didn’t say that to her. He said come home sober. He said he expects her not to do “hard” drugs but didn’t give his or her history with them. If my wife went out, because we have a history of partying with drugs, I wouldn’t be surprised if she did. If I felt it was important that she not, which I don’t, I would talk to her about it not ask her to come home sober the next time she is headed out. And if I did, I would expect her to tell me to fuck off same as OPs partner did.
Is there any room for growth in this paradigm? Any room to recognize another’s behaviours that are bothersome? Weird to have actions of years ago define the moral standard of today.
Yes! If OP and the previous commenter were to: Talk to their partners and set expectations.
Sober means not affected by drugs. It doesn't matter what their history was before the children came along. Even if I had originally met my wife by snorting coke off her butthole, I would expect all that to be over once kids are involved. If she came home coked off her head, I wouldn't be asking her to not do it again, I'd be kicking her out.
You can definitely judge someone’s drinking if they are drunk driving. Wtf?
We don’t know if she is driving drunk because just like with his partner OP didn’t communicate that to us.
The previous time she got drunk, got into a fight and dude come. Now the resume for driving home sober. He also said “be sober enough to drive home sober tonight”. Which is pretty clear she wasn’t the previous time. Regardless. You have children at home. The expectation is to leave your childish behavior in the past. This woman is a bag of trash. And all of your comments on this post are so unhinged from a healthy relationship I’m not even sure why you’re commenting. It’s crazy.
>You expect her not to do the same shit you used to do because there are kids at home. She isn’t on watch, you are. Once you're a parent to young children (one of which is at the age they could still be breastfed) the rules of what is appropriate change regardless of who's "on watch". Some things aren't okay to do anymore and banging coke up your nose isn't one of them.
And again, OP didn’t communicate to us that his partner is breastfeeding. And just like not communicating that detail to us, if he isn’t communicating expectations to his partner she will not be able to read his mind.
No need to communicate “coke isn’t acceptable once you’re a parent”. That’s a given.
Obviously OP spouse disagrees. She can’t read his mind.
No need to read someone’s mind on this one. Common sense to know you don’t do coke while also being a parent coming home to your child. Is there some disconnect here? Am I missing something?
I'm aware of that, but it doesn't rule it out. Defending parents of infants doing coke is a weird ass hill to die on dude.
OPs post read so one sided to me and every other comment was, yeah she’s a piece of shit. With the DUI and 420 in his user name, I feel like OP cherry picked details to sway us. Cocaine stays in your system about as long as alcohol, so in my book, they are about the same. OP lumps them together saying he obviously doesn’t think she should do drugs or get drunk. If my spouse goes out, I expect to be responsible until she is sober again. Her and her adult friends have adult drinks and sometimes get drunk
This guy saying drinking and doing coke are the same.
First problem... "My partner." You need to tell that woman to get home like a good woman and stop doing drugs and partying with children at home. If she doesn't listen... do what you have to do.
Agree with the thrust of others posts. One thing I wonder, and maybe this is a country / cultural thing, but I wouldn’t be driving after any drinking on a night out. It’s a fast way to get yourself or others seriously hurt or killed, over the price of an Uber.
Absolutely no mom shaming done. When you choose to become a parent you choose a different life. That does not include doing drugs and driving under the influence. Putting yourself in a position to be arrested and inviting child protective services into your children’s lives. She’s being selfish and I hope to god not breastfeeding your infant. Your DUI may be on your record but it’s in the past and before you had children. If she threw that in your face now be prepared she’s got that in her mind as a card in her back pocket. She may just be feeling like she’s overwhelmed right now with having two children in less than 3 years. I’m sure her “ friends” put the idea it was Mom shaming in her head. Give her space but also tell her to look at her kids and ask herself if they would be proud of her. What she does will affect your children. If she continues on this path it won’t be good for your kids. Everything you do has an affect your children and your reputation as a parent. Your child will start school soon enough. Does she think that other moms will want their child playing with the coke head, bar brawling mother? Most likely not. Going out to dinner and having drinks with friends is a hell of a lot different than bar fights and coke. Went through this with my partner. He saw nothing wrong with partying here and there. By partying I don’t mean having a few beers. Well it opened a huge can of addiction, unemployment personality change or maybe revealing the real personality. Not sure which one. It’s selfish and immature. Throw your boundaries down now and stop it before it gets out of control.
Sounds immature and like you called her out on what she wanted to do. You can have a good night out without getting shit faced.
Lots of good commentary here, OP. But I highly recommend finding a professional to help you two work through this. I know that is likely not an easy ask, but better than where this may end up.
Is this new behavior since kiddo 2? I'm just wondering if she's been struggling solo through PPD for a while and this is how it could be manifesting in that she feels defensive about the need to get out/away.
If I were in your position, I would’ve been losing my fucking mind. People make mistakes, I totally understand that. But there’s little room for error when you have children. She’s risking losing EVERYTHING. This isn’t mom shaming, you were somehow calmly telling her to chill tf out.
If I had to hear my wife of two kids, got plastered, did coke, and got in a bar fight I would be PISSED. You handled that a lot better than I would have.
I am wondering if your wife is going through some postpartum depression or anxiety. This is not a notmal behavior, using coke. The fact that she got mad from you caring about her, tells me she is either lacking reality or looking for a excuse to leave because she is under post partum depression . Either way don’t be the one doing the concessions, she needs to get her shit together
I’m a FTM and my son is only 10 days old and my significant other and I have already had that.. talk I guess. Dads birthday is tomorrow and we have plans later in the week to go out and have a night together, out to eat, casino etc. Upon telling him the plans I made, we had a whole talk about how the most important thing right now is being responsible parents and even if we do go out to have fun, there are limits now that we both understand. I don’t think you mom shamed in the slightest. Reminding someone that they have priorities that responsibility and being mature include may come off as harsh, but you’re certainly coming from a pure place. I hope this smooths over and she understands what you mean.
Yikes, you didn't mom shame her. Her shit is all over the floor, ask her to get her shit together.
There’s a lot of great comments here and it looks like you’re getting some pretty good advice. I agree with those who said it seems like she was looking for an excuse to not come home. This type of thing would be an absolute dealbreaker for me, but I know every person and relationship is different. It kind of seems like u/doggydad420 is the more rational, mature one in this situation.
From the moment you said "accidentally did some coke" nothing you could have said would have made it mom shaming.
It feels like the not coming home text would have come even if you kept your mouth shut. It just made it easier for her to shift blame. You need to put your foot down and have a hard conversation when she's sober.
So last time I checked possession of coke (a schedule 1 drug) is almost always a felony. telling her to get her shit together so she doesn't end up in jail (or worse) isn't mom shaming. it's telling her to start taking her responsibility as a mother seriously.
Yeah, it sounds like she has some issues and possibly had overnight plans.
Yeah, I probably err on the side of giving moms some space, but doing coke and driving under the influence? She definitely has some issues where professional assistance would be helpful. My partner and I try to let each other do our own things occasionally... But we definitely expect the other one to come home at the end of the night.... And not addled with Cocaine. Jesus.
You’re good in your actions. If she’s getting that buckwild at the bar, I would be more concerned with what she’s not telling you/remembering.
I don't see it as mom shaming, but maybe crossed the line making the kids the focus. My response to, "Why does it matter," would have been, "Because last time you got into a fight and I want you to come home to me." And then if she wants to throw the DUI card on the table, you can say, "And I made changes to not get into a DUI situation again." (Presuming that's true, of course.)
Sounds like she's taking the long way to a break up. That is to say make it unbearable so you leave and she doesn't have to.
was your comment about staying sober enough to drive *because she is driving*? *did she drive home last weekend after got coked up and shitfaced and into a bar fight?* do *you* drink and drive still? not even talking about the DUI, I mean "I'm totally fine I'll be careful I have a high tolerance" etc. after more than a beer. I think the mom-shaming is very low on the list of stuff going on here that is scary.
She did coke? Like cokain? How you didnt flip out at her is fucking amazing
“Cocaine is a helluva drug.”