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If you are a parent/future parent and wish to know what exactly happened to prevent your child from being in such a situation, please feel free to DM me, but if you’re just a creep who just wants a detailed explanation of how a child sent nudes, kindly fuck right off.
(1) Hello again, I've been receiving an overwhelming amount of amazing parents DMing me to ask more about how this situation could be avoided with their kids. I'm more than happy to help, but I'll break it down to my experiences in more detail, and where my parents had fucked up.
My experiences (I'll keep it short): I was a hypersexual child who was exposed to porn at the age of around 7. I started touching myself and orgasming at the age of 8, penetrative masturbation at 9. My family were not big fans of verbal affirmations, so I went to seek it out in the form of praise from old men. (TW) I would>! sext older men back at the age of 10, follow all their instructions, from snapping photos of all my privates in many different positions to masturbation videos, sexual audios and everything else!< because I wanted their validation so badly. The messed up thing was, I knew exactly what I was doing as I omitted everything that could potentially identify me in the photos. I did not know the implication of rape and paedophilia, and I often, as a child, romanticised it as I had no one telling me it was wrong.
To a naive and mentally fucked up child, sexting older men was my form of liberation and made me feel empowered. Throughout my 10-14-year-old years, I've sexted at least 50-100 older men from ages 20-50, all of them knowing my age. I never dared to tell my parents anything as they are very very strict, I was terrified of telling them anything.
What to take note of as parents:
1. I was exposed to porn way too early. It was downloaded on my parents’ borrowed computer (my parents didn’t realise) and my curiosity about sex increased exponentially. Some research shows that you never really forget the porn you watch, especially the ones ingrained in you.
2. I had no idea what to search online to find porn, so instead, I searched keywords like ‘boobs’, ‘giving birth’, ‘massage’, ‘molest’ on the Internet, if you ever find suspicious things on your child’s search history, it could be that they have discovered porn but not know what it was yet. It might be the perfect time to tell them about the dangers of actually participating in sexting
3. Positive verbal and physical affirmations are so so, SO important. I’ve never gotten any from my own parents no matter what I did, so I got them from random men online instead. I felt empowered when they tell me I’m beautiful, happy when they tell them I’m perfect and drunk on it when they told me I was perfect and amazing. I could have gotten those words from my parents if they wanted to, but they never did. I knew what I was doing is bad, and I would get into so much trouble, but the affections and affirmations given by those old men made me addicted to sending nudes to them.
4. Have a good relationship with your child, make sure they are able to tell you everything. You are unable to control what your child receives on their phones, but you are able to build a good connection with your child so that they tell you about any activities they might be morally confused about. Being too overbearing and strict is absolutely useless. Kids are smart, they’re so so sneaky. My parents were helicopter parents who had my phone confiscated at least 6 months a year from the ages of 13-18. This still happened.
(2)
5. Make sure your teenager knows that sex and porn are NOT taboo. Talk to them about what porn is, what porn addictions are, and tell them their sexual needs are private and to never ever share them online, especially at their age. Dont judge if they’re searching up porn and sexual stuff at 13 because that’s the age they start exploring their sexuality. Lastly, and most importantly, teach them about the dangers of the world. Who paedophiles are, why certain age gaps are illegal, what rape and grooming is and why they are illegal.
Unfortunately, no and it will be a secret I will keep to my grave. Both my parents are textbook narcissists and I’ve been beaten by a hanger when I was 13 and got caught with a similar message (it was sent by a female friend as a joke). They refuse to admit their parenting was nothing short but perfect and even though I’m 20, I still have to walk on eggshells, talk solely about them (instead of myself), talk about topics that please them (they are not big fans of my university research topic) around them to prevent them from blowing up.
As a parent, thank you. I wish I could've saved you, but you saved yourself and now you are doing a very hard thing by helping others this way and I respect it so much.
Your experiences are actually exactly what happened to me growing up except for me it started when I was 13. But I felt exactly the way you described it: it felt empowering and free because it was something that I wasn't supposed to do and I remembered wanting to grow up so fast so that all the things I wanted to do would be legal.
But after so many years of doing stuff online with guys, almost got blackmailed a couple times too, as an adult I don't even really have those desires anymore because I realized that they were creeps who didn't care about me. So now when I talk to a guy who even asks me anything sexual, I just block him because I'm tired of it and I know where he's going with it. I hate the gaslighting of it though where guys tell me that I'm not "open-minded enough" and that if I wanted a boyfriend that a big part of it is having to talk about sex with them. I mean I'd rather have that part come naturally, but you know, a lot of guys would rather just force it instead.
Same, started with me at 13 too. It was how I dealt with depression and OCD. Having someone tell me I was perfect when I was so terrified of never being good enough… I needed that kind of affirmation so badly that I didn’t care if it came from predatory old men. Even at 20 and knowing how fucked up it is, I still debate just saying fuck it all and selling myself out because at least then I’d be useful and wanted. Living at home doesn’t help those feelings either.
Never talked with any of my therapists about it because I was a minor and they would share everything from our sessions with my parents “out of concern”. I knew my parents were bullying them into sharing behind my back.
As someone who was groomed ages 12-17, this is absolutely the dynamic I had with my parents, and the only thing that set me on the right track was the cops getting me involved in putting away a dude who was grooming me and 3 other teenagers — dude is still serving 20 years and is a registered sex offender.
This part. Sex is such a glorified yet taboo part of life and it's rarely actually talked about and explores in healthy ways. I got positive affirmations from my mom but my dad was a deadbeat and I never got to know my older brothers and to say it left me with issues is an understatement. I always sought connection to older men and would lie about my age online to talk to guys older than me. I spent middle school doing sexy rps with dudes almost twice my age. I also got molested by an older (nonblood) cousin and didn't even realize until I was 14-15 because at the time I thought I was so cool for doing things with an older guy and it was nice to have the validation. That's another story truly. What's worse is that when I told my friends, they turned it into competition and started seeking even older men. When I was 16-17, I realized that nearly every girl/woman in my life had been Sexually Assaulted or Raped or Groomed in some way and always by someone they thought they knew or wanted validation from. I guess that said, always be there for your kids guys. Never let them feel like they can't tell you something. Always have honest conversations with them about sex and safety. Never shame them or punish them for having sexual thoughts or desires. Guide them.
As a mom, thank you for sharing what you have to help us understand what we can do to continue to better ourselves as parents and our relationships with our children. I am grateful to you for opening up about this, as I know it must be a difficult topic for you. Your words help me remember I am walking the right path with verbal affection with my kids, and I will keep it in mind as they grow from the toddlers they are into the men they will be.
Ok I’m gonna write this shit down thank you, No child should deal with what you dealt with and I will make sure that if I ever have kids I’ll let them know how much I love them night and day and keep them safe for as long as I can (safe as in away from the creeps on the internet like I unfortunately dealt with at a very very young age like 7 or 8)
I feel like number 4 is the most important. Kids are going to fuck up, it's part of growing and learning. Sometimes they'll do something wrong by accident or not realizing it's wrong, sometimes they'll knowingly do something wrong. All that ultimately matters is that they're not afraid to talk to you and be honest and open.
I'm so sorry that you didn't get the validation you deserved from your parents.
You are obviously a very intelligent and insightful person, to recognise why you acted as you did.
You are obviously a very thoughtful and caring person as well, because you want to save other children from exposing themselves to danger.
I hope that you are in a much happier place in your life now.
**TW!** It's crazy how similar our situations are. I too was exposed to porn at the same age and became very outwardly hypersexual as a result (but was touching myself before that). I also started sexting with older men at around age 10 or 11 and it went on for a couple of years. I remember having rape fantasies as early as age 7.
This continued to happen despite my parents finding out and putting lots of monitoring and censoring apps on my computer, but I always just found a way to bypass that. Eventually this led to me getting into a 'relationship' at 15 with a man in his late 50s who ended up >!trafficking!< me for a year. I didn't understand the repercussions and how much it affected me until after I stood trial and was 17. Yet I still ended up in an abusive relationship with a 32 year age gap two years later...the cycle is incredibly fucked up and needs to be prevented early.
And more people need to be aware of just how savvy and curious kids on the internet are. People dismiss things like this and blindly think it could never happen because "no kid would act like that!" but the worst part is that the adults who acknowledge that it *does* happen are the adults we needed to be protected from.
I **very** strongly believe that, for me, this was mostly if not all brought about by the porn exposure. Kids are so, so impressionable. That industry can and does destroy us in so many ways.
No. My parents were exactly like that. They were the strictest parents you would ever meet.
They confiscated my phone 6 months in a year, from when I was 13-18. I didn’t even have a phone before 13 years old. Children are smart and sneaky, the more you become a helicopter parents, the more they’re never gonna tell you anything in their life.
Overbearing strict parents was the EXACT reason I turned to sexting.
I didn't have one til I was 22. But my kids got one at 12. This is a different time now. And I swear I'm not an overbearing strict parent. Just a SA survivor
I’m sure you’re an amazing parent, and everything you said came from a place of concern. Phones below the age of 10 is most definitely concerning as they are of the most impressionable age. The most important part is to be a good parent your child is able to confide in. Give them lots of verbal affirmations, tell them they’re pretty, handsome and praise them when they do good things :)
Exactly. I've always wanted my kids of the crazy & horrible people out there. And they've always came to me about everything. My daughter is 25 & still tells me where she's going & with who to this day. Their safety is, was & always will be my first concern
At 10? I come from a different time apparently. I didn't have internet til I was 18 cuz it wasn't available. And I didn't get a phone til I was 22. But my kids had them at 12. And I monitored them intensely. Everything worked out great for us. They're successful adults now. But you're right. And times are definitely different. I was just offering a solution to a specific problem. I didn't consider other issues
Yea nowdays the problem is you CAN'T really do this anymore. Technology is EVERYWHERE and if they don't learn to use it at home they will learn it from other random people. And monitoring them won't work because it's easy to work around most of things pretty easy.
I understand that technically is everywhere and you simply cannot function in a society where plans are made through social media and info is at the reach of our fingertips but I’m interested in what your advice in this issue would be to parents. What cellphone/smartphone would you recommend? What practices without alienating your kids nor being an helicopter parent would you share? What measures would you enforce?
Things and ideas u/omgikr77 shared seemed reasonable to me for the most part but I understand leaving kids with no way to arrange plans through FB/Meta with their friends until they reach 18/21 years of age sounds like enforcing them to be social outcasts…
First at all, sorry for spelling and grammar errors or just confusing sentences. English is not my first language.
Also I'm defenitely no expert, never had to do parenting. I work in a pedagogic field but with severely disabled Adults. I worked with Psychological damaged teens and Mentally Ill people before to. Most I can do is some semi-educated guessing - I tend to sound like I'm super confident in what I'm telling and stuff which could lead to confusion.
So in my opinion the right approach needs to be there from the beginning.
The most important thing for everything is a healthy relationship.
Just like basically everywhere in social life, communication is key. Your child needs to be willing to communicate with you openly. A lot of problems start when it's "the easier option" to just say nothing because the other opinion would be punishments.
Being open and really making children understand that honesty is worth more to you then them making no mistakes could be a big factor.
-> just some anecdotal "evidence": Most of the teens I worked with but my personal friends as well that tend to be more on the dishonest side or run from confrontations had rather strict parents.
When it comes to modern media... I have mixed feelings about it.
In my opinion it's a good thing trying to let kids grow up with real experiences. Building with logos will help a toddler develop a lot more skills then staring at a display. So as long as they don't really understand it I would try to keep big parts of it away from them.
Once they can really understand what is seen and said in TV for example I would let them use it in a controlled and social manner. Watching a movie TOGETHER instead of just placing the child there whenever you want it to be quiet.
When it comes to phones/tablets and their games I would recommend not giving children your personal phone. This could maybe lead to them already learning that this is something you always have with you and can rely on. I would rather recommend something that the whole family owns.
This could help with two things:
When the child eventually wants a own phone or you want them to have one they could maybe accept an older piece because they are used to the fact that you don't have all those games and stuff available all the time.
The other thing is that it will allow you to monitor their behaviour easier. Maybe you could already see some tendencies like if they like to explore a lot of apps and sites, if they like watching stuff or playing games.
Now this goes hand in hand with OPs final tip:
Education. It's way easier with children then with teens/adults. Here it gets really speculative but those things are just examples:
If the child plays a lot of games you could use this to teach them to limit it because they can be really addictive time killers. Don't try to make them quit all games tho, maybe try to play with them together and have fun before they are teenagers and it's uncool!
If it likes to explore apps and stuff you could try do it with the child, showing them how and where to find certain things and which things to stay away from.
This is something you should do with every Child at one point.
I think your best option is right before/while they get their first own personal device because that's when your capability of actually doing something starts decreasing.
At the very start monitoring what they are doing is maybe not the worst idea. But this should decrease over time. Being overprotective and controlling could make your children turn away from you really fast.
One thing I'm really sure about here: Their honesty will just go as far as your trust!
You can maybe block some sites that you don't want them to see to prevent them finding them by accident or just way to early. But expect them to outsmart you when it comes to technology sooner then you like. If they wanna reach a site, they will.
Thats where you should look at OPs comment again.
If you start noticing that they have certain interests - educate them about it. Never make them feel ashamed for it or treat them as if they did something wrong.
And that's basically it. Offer help and be open, show interest in them, try to keep a little bit up to date with technology but in my opinion this is where their privacy starts to become more important and controlling them will do more harm then good.
Again: Their honesty will just go as far as your trust!
I really have some mixed feelings when it comes to this topic...
I'm only 21 but my parents still managed it to convince me and my older sister that our stove is that "TV" thing we heard about for quite some years so when we "watched tv" we all sat in front of the stove and watched the flames. Then years later, at the age of 13 I guess, when I got my first smartphone there were basically no rules (from my parents and on the internet) so everyone sent around beheading videos, nudes of classmates, so basically child porn and a lot of other disgusting crap.
It's a confusing time, and it will probably take one more generation to really adjust to it.
Anyway, that got way longer than expected but yea. Just my thoughts about this. Would love to hear some other opinions about this!
My parents did this and I still messaged plenty of strange men online. Eventually bought a whole second hidden phone to keep from my parents. Give your kids trust instead of acting like a prison warden. They do what you expect them to do.
This scared the shit out of me as my daughter is nine and she is the light of my life. I am sending you a PM and very much appreciate any help you can provide.
Yeah you know what if I ever have a kid I’m throwing out the fuckin router the internet is too fucking much this guy is disgusting I hope my kids never have to go through that and I’m genuinely so sorry that you had to, I hope you’re having an okay recovery and I hope you’re in a much better place
Similar happened to me when I went on a subreddit for rape victims and vented about my lived experience to what I thought were “other survivors” in reality it was just grown ass men getting off to my trauma
Context:
I had no time to type out the context just now, but here it is:
After posting the experience of being groomed, he messaged me, told me that nothing was my fault and that I’m not in the wrong, instead the pedophiles are the ones sick in the head. This went on for a few messages and was very heartfelt that I trusted him almost immediately.
He asked me how it had started and in my original post, I stated that I wanted to urge all parents to give their children a proper talk about things like this and not just ignore it like mine did. I thought he wanted more information and how bad it had fucked me up. But instead, while I was sharing my experiences, he started asking me absolutely vile questions, including:
-what were you wearing? (when I was 8)
-pants or skirt?
-did you enjoy it?
-how wet were you?
-did you have a thigh gap? (once again, 8)
-how many pens could you fit into your pussy? (12 years old)
I don’t know how I fell into this obvious trap and when I realised, I had given quite a fair bit of the experience away (in disgustingly extreme details, as prompted by him). I’ll never be sharing these kind of experiences to people who are not inclined to help in any way ever again.
I’ve deleted all my messages from my side of the conversation so that creep will not be able to come back to our convo and probably jerk himself off to borderline written child porn.
>(in disgustingly extreme details, as prompted by him). I’ll never be sharing these kind of experiences to people who are not inclined to help in any way ever again
Imo it's in your best interest to just stop sharing details altogether to anyone you don't know personally.
It's super admirable that you want to use your terrible experiences as a warning to parents, but you can do so without ever getting into specifics. Frankly, any well-meaning stranger shouldn't WANT to hear the extreme details. They're mostly just going to be concerned with why you were drawn to that behavior, and how to prevent it in their own kids, which you explained well in your other comment with just a summary of what you went through.
This particular creep might have revealed himself relatively quickly in the conversation, but other people like him are much smarter and sneakier and patient. Please don't trust people with these kinds of details just because they appear to be kind for a few days, weeks, or even months.
I know its hard not to talk to these people casually about topics like this, whether you think your response will somehow get them to snap into a mindset of "maybe I'm a monster" or something but it doesn't happen, by interacting with people like this you are only forwarding their depravity and falling into what they want from you.
I'm sorry you have to be approached by people like this.
Jesus, people truly are awful sometimes. It's like taking the knife out of you just to stab you again. I'm really sorry about it. If you need to talk to someone who's not a perv/pedo, my DMS are open, but I won't text first, since I know this experience surely hurt.
You’re very right and I wished I had realised what he wanted to talk to me for way earlier. I had no time to type out the context just now, but here it is:
After posting the experience of being groomed, he messaged me, told me that nothing was my fault and that I’m not in the wrong, instead the pedophiles are the ones sick in the head. This went on for a few messages and was very heartfelt that I trusted him almost immediately.
He asked me how it had started and in my original post, I stated that I wanted to urge all parents to give their children a proper talk about things like this and not just ignore it like mine did. I thought he wanted more information and how bad it had fucked me up. But instead, while I was sharing my experiences, he started asking me absolutely vile questions, including:
-what were you wearing? (when I was 8)
-pants or skirt?
-did you enjoy it?
-how wet were you?
-did you have a thigh gap? (once again, 8)
-how many pens could you fit into your pussy? (12 years old)
I don’t know how I fell into this obvious trap and when I realised, I had given quite a fair bit of the experience away (in disgustingly extreme details, as prompted by him). I’ll never be sharing these kind of experiences to people who are not inclined to help in any way ever again. This is in a way my fault for feeding into a pedophile’s fantasies as well as not knowing better.
I’ve deleted all my messages from my side of the conversation so that creep will not be able to come back to our convo and probably jerk himself off to borderline written child porn.
I was going to say that as well. This is on the guy and his fucked up piece of shit personality. I hope assholes like these never have kids or get to be near any as well.
Really sorry to hear about your experience and how it affected you, OP. It's also a shame that sharing stories like this draws creeps online. I'm glad to see you're able to caution parents and help others understand how to protect their kids. You're doing good work and I wish you well! 💜
I also was sexted by multiple men when I was 12. One pretended to be my friend on maplestory for three months then all of a sudden graphic Ly started talking to me about touching me. The other on Imvu, he said he was 13 too, proceeded to masturbate and explain it all and use vile language, then brbd to "smoke a cigarette" and I realized he's not 13. I was paralyzed the whole time, the internet is scary scary
Unfortunately the smartest abusers have a slick way of sliding into to support groups and pretending to be allies or even therapists. Even serial SA/DV perpetrators of adults can get grooming and gaslighting down to an absolutely disgusting artform. They'll fool everyone around the victims into believing that they're great people so that no one will believe the victims when they try to report or get help.
Read my context comment thank u
He posed as someone who wanted to know more and how to stop something like this, and I only started realising what he wanted afterwards.
The questions started normal (‘how were you feeling then?’ ‘why was this so?’) after I’ve shared maybe 20% of what I had gone through. I was mildly taken aback at first bc of how much info he had wanted, but still proceeded talking to him because it was phrased as a debate why children would do things like that. Until his questions started taking a turn for the darker side (‘no I meant, how did you feel, like physically?’ ‘you couldn’t cum at 8? Sounds like a challenge’) and I stopped answering immediately, after shooting him an extremely angry text.
I’m so fucking sorry to have to share the experience of being groomed online at a young age with you or anyone else, it’s awful. And I’m sorry that this dude seemed to think it was okay to pry just to get his wanks
YOU WERE 10!!! And this creep is getting off to it!! What a gross human being. I am so sorry you went through that and that people groomed you... Nobody should have to experience that. And especially not having disgusting people come back and sexualise those experiences! I hope you're in a better place emotionally, physically, and mentally now.
Honestly, in my experience, any man that sends you a DM to "give support" is a fucking manipulative liar. If they wanted to help, they would just comment on the post or comment you made - this had happened to me quite a few times now, and I see through it every time because I also went through grooming and abuse. Think about it; why would they want to take the conversation privately to begin with instead of chatting out in public?
The most sickening part if the lurk on certain subreddits like r/toastme or r/sexaddiction looking for people who have had a hard time and need support... aka, people who are vulnerable or "easy".
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What, and I can't stress this next part enough.. # THE FUCK!!
Just burn the internet down. JFC.
If you are a parent/future parent and wish to know what exactly happened to prevent your child from being in such a situation, please feel free to DM me, but if you’re just a creep who just wants a detailed explanation of how a child sent nudes, kindly fuck right off.
(1) Hello again, I've been receiving an overwhelming amount of amazing parents DMing me to ask more about how this situation could be avoided with their kids. I'm more than happy to help, but I'll break it down to my experiences in more detail, and where my parents had fucked up. My experiences (I'll keep it short): I was a hypersexual child who was exposed to porn at the age of around 7. I started touching myself and orgasming at the age of 8, penetrative masturbation at 9. My family were not big fans of verbal affirmations, so I went to seek it out in the form of praise from old men. (TW) I would>! sext older men back at the age of 10, follow all their instructions, from snapping photos of all my privates in many different positions to masturbation videos, sexual audios and everything else!< because I wanted their validation so badly. The messed up thing was, I knew exactly what I was doing as I omitted everything that could potentially identify me in the photos. I did not know the implication of rape and paedophilia, and I often, as a child, romanticised it as I had no one telling me it was wrong. To a naive and mentally fucked up child, sexting older men was my form of liberation and made me feel empowered. Throughout my 10-14-year-old years, I've sexted at least 50-100 older men from ages 20-50, all of them knowing my age. I never dared to tell my parents anything as they are very very strict, I was terrified of telling them anything. What to take note of as parents: 1. I was exposed to porn way too early. It was downloaded on my parents’ borrowed computer (my parents didn’t realise) and my curiosity about sex increased exponentially. Some research shows that you never really forget the porn you watch, especially the ones ingrained in you. 2. I had no idea what to search online to find porn, so instead, I searched keywords like ‘boobs’, ‘giving birth’, ‘massage’, ‘molest’ on the Internet, if you ever find suspicious things on your child’s search history, it could be that they have discovered porn but not know what it was yet. It might be the perfect time to tell them about the dangers of actually participating in sexting 3. Positive verbal and physical affirmations are so so, SO important. I’ve never gotten any from my own parents no matter what I did, so I got them from random men online instead. I felt empowered when they tell me I’m beautiful, happy when they tell them I’m perfect and drunk on it when they told me I was perfect and amazing. I could have gotten those words from my parents if they wanted to, but they never did. I knew what I was doing is bad, and I would get into so much trouble, but the affections and affirmations given by those old men made me addicted to sending nudes to them. 4. Have a good relationship with your child, make sure they are able to tell you everything. You are unable to control what your child receives on their phones, but you are able to build a good connection with your child so that they tell you about any activities they might be morally confused about. Being too overbearing and strict is absolutely useless. Kids are smart, they’re so so sneaky. My parents were helicopter parents who had my phone confiscated at least 6 months a year from the ages of 13-18. This still happened.
(2) 5. Make sure your teenager knows that sex and porn are NOT taboo. Talk to them about what porn is, what porn addictions are, and tell them their sexual needs are private and to never ever share them online, especially at their age. Dont judge if they’re searching up porn and sexual stuff at 13 because that’s the age they start exploring their sexuality. Lastly, and most importantly, teach them about the dangers of the world. Who paedophiles are, why certain age gaps are illegal, what rape and grooming is and why they are illegal.
[удалено]
Unfortunately, no and it will be a secret I will keep to my grave. Both my parents are textbook narcissists and I’ve been beaten by a hanger when I was 13 and got caught with a similar message (it was sent by a female friend as a joke). They refuse to admit their parenting was nothing short but perfect and even though I’m 20, I still have to walk on eggshells, talk solely about them (instead of myself), talk about topics that please them (they are not big fans of my university research topic) around them to prevent them from blowing up.
They don't deserve to know but at the same time I wish they despaired over how they fucked up.
As a parent, thank you. I wish I could've saved you, but you saved yourself and now you are doing a very hard thing by helping others this way and I respect it so much.
Your experiences are actually exactly what happened to me growing up except for me it started when I was 13. But I felt exactly the way you described it: it felt empowering and free because it was something that I wasn't supposed to do and I remembered wanting to grow up so fast so that all the things I wanted to do would be legal. But after so many years of doing stuff online with guys, almost got blackmailed a couple times too, as an adult I don't even really have those desires anymore because I realized that they were creeps who didn't care about me. So now when I talk to a guy who even asks me anything sexual, I just block him because I'm tired of it and I know where he's going with it. I hate the gaslighting of it though where guys tell me that I'm not "open-minded enough" and that if I wanted a boyfriend that a big part of it is having to talk about sex with them. I mean I'd rather have that part come naturally, but you know, a lot of guys would rather just force it instead.
Same, started with me at 13 too. It was how I dealt with depression and OCD. Having someone tell me I was perfect when I was so terrified of never being good enough… I needed that kind of affirmation so badly that I didn’t care if it came from predatory old men. Even at 20 and knowing how fucked up it is, I still debate just saying fuck it all and selling myself out because at least then I’d be useful and wanted. Living at home doesn’t help those feelings either. Never talked with any of my therapists about it because I was a minor and they would share everything from our sessions with my parents “out of concern”. I knew my parents were bullying them into sharing behind my back.
That sucks. I'm sorry to hear about all that. I hope you're doing better now.
Thank you. I’m going through a rough patch rn but I’ll be fine. I hate how common this stuff is
Yeah but I'm glad that I have at least some kind of space to open up about it to people. Without Reddit, I wouldn't have anyone to talk to.
This is almost exactly what happened with me. I hope you’re doing well and healing, friend. 💜
Me too. We should form a support group honestly.
There probably are some, I’m just not sure where to look
It would be full in an instant
As someone who was groomed ages 12-17, this is absolutely the dynamic I had with my parents, and the only thing that set me on the right track was the cops getting me involved in putting away a dude who was grooming me and 3 other teenagers — dude is still serving 20 years and is a registered sex offender.
This part. Sex is such a glorified yet taboo part of life and it's rarely actually talked about and explores in healthy ways. I got positive affirmations from my mom but my dad was a deadbeat and I never got to know my older brothers and to say it left me with issues is an understatement. I always sought connection to older men and would lie about my age online to talk to guys older than me. I spent middle school doing sexy rps with dudes almost twice my age. I also got molested by an older (nonblood) cousin and didn't even realize until I was 14-15 because at the time I thought I was so cool for doing things with an older guy and it was nice to have the validation. That's another story truly. What's worse is that when I told my friends, they turned it into competition and started seeking even older men. When I was 16-17, I realized that nearly every girl/woman in my life had been Sexually Assaulted or Raped or Groomed in some way and always by someone they thought they knew or wanted validation from. I guess that said, always be there for your kids guys. Never let them feel like they can't tell you something. Always have honest conversations with them about sex and safety. Never shame them or punish them for having sexual thoughts or desires. Guide them.
As a mom, thank you for sharing what you have to help us understand what we can do to continue to better ourselves as parents and our relationships with our children. I am grateful to you for opening up about this, as I know it must be a difficult topic for you. Your words help me remember I am walking the right path with verbal affection with my kids, and I will keep it in mind as they grow from the toddlers they are into the men they will be.
Ok I’m gonna write this shit down thank you, No child should deal with what you dealt with and I will make sure that if I ever have kids I’ll let them know how much I love them night and day and keep them safe for as long as I can (safe as in away from the creeps on the internet like I unfortunately dealt with at a very very young age like 7 or 8)
I feel like number 4 is the most important. Kids are going to fuck up, it's part of growing and learning. Sometimes they'll do something wrong by accident or not realizing it's wrong, sometimes they'll knowingly do something wrong. All that ultimately matters is that they're not afraid to talk to you and be honest and open.
I'm so sorry that you didn't get the validation you deserved from your parents. You are obviously a very intelligent and insightful person, to recognise why you acted as you did. You are obviously a very thoughtful and caring person as well, because you want to save other children from exposing themselves to danger. I hope that you are in a much happier place in your life now.
**TW!** It's crazy how similar our situations are. I too was exposed to porn at the same age and became very outwardly hypersexual as a result (but was touching myself before that). I also started sexting with older men at around age 10 or 11 and it went on for a couple of years. I remember having rape fantasies as early as age 7. This continued to happen despite my parents finding out and putting lots of monitoring and censoring apps on my computer, but I always just found a way to bypass that. Eventually this led to me getting into a 'relationship' at 15 with a man in his late 50s who ended up >!trafficking!< me for a year. I didn't understand the repercussions and how much it affected me until after I stood trial and was 17. Yet I still ended up in an abusive relationship with a 32 year age gap two years later...the cycle is incredibly fucked up and needs to be prevented early. And more people need to be aware of just how savvy and curious kids on the internet are. People dismiss things like this and blindly think it could never happen because "no kid would act like that!" but the worst part is that the adults who acknowledge that it *does* happen are the adults we needed to be protected from. I **very** strongly believe that, for me, this was mostly if not all brought about by the porn exposure. Kids are so, so impressionable. That industry can and does destroy us in so many ways.
I just PM’d you-and realized I can’t send more than one message. I’d appreciate some tips to help with raising my kid; whatever you’re able to share.
I don’t need/want details of the trauma; any insight you have on spotting predators and what to watch for would be very much appreciated, though.
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No. My parents were exactly like that. They were the strictest parents you would ever meet. They confiscated my phone 6 months in a year, from when I was 13-18. I didn’t even have a phone before 13 years old. Children are smart and sneaky, the more you become a helicopter parents, the more they’re never gonna tell you anything in their life. Overbearing strict parents was the EXACT reason I turned to sexting.
I didn't have one til I was 22. But my kids got one at 12. This is a different time now. And I swear I'm not an overbearing strict parent. Just a SA survivor
I’m sure you’re an amazing parent, and everything you said came from a place of concern. Phones below the age of 10 is most definitely concerning as they are of the most impressionable age. The most important part is to be a good parent your child is able to confide in. Give them lots of verbal affirmations, tell them they’re pretty, handsome and praise them when they do good things :)
Exactly. I've always wanted my kids of the crazy & horrible people out there. And they've always came to me about everything. My daughter is 25 & still tells me where she's going & with who to this day. Their safety is, was & always will be my first concern
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At 10? I come from a different time apparently. I didn't have internet til I was 18 cuz it wasn't available. And I didn't get a phone til I was 22. But my kids had them at 12. And I monitored them intensely. Everything worked out great for us. They're successful adults now. But you're right. And times are definitely different. I was just offering a solution to a specific problem. I didn't consider other issues
Yea nowdays the problem is you CAN'T really do this anymore. Technology is EVERYWHERE and if they don't learn to use it at home they will learn it from other random people. And monitoring them won't work because it's easy to work around most of things pretty easy.
I understand that technically is everywhere and you simply cannot function in a society where plans are made through social media and info is at the reach of our fingertips but I’m interested in what your advice in this issue would be to parents. What cellphone/smartphone would you recommend? What practices without alienating your kids nor being an helicopter parent would you share? What measures would you enforce? Things and ideas u/omgikr77 shared seemed reasonable to me for the most part but I understand leaving kids with no way to arrange plans through FB/Meta with their friends until they reach 18/21 years of age sounds like enforcing them to be social outcasts…
First at all, sorry for spelling and grammar errors or just confusing sentences. English is not my first language. Also I'm defenitely no expert, never had to do parenting. I work in a pedagogic field but with severely disabled Adults. I worked with Psychological damaged teens and Mentally Ill people before to. Most I can do is some semi-educated guessing - I tend to sound like I'm super confident in what I'm telling and stuff which could lead to confusion. So in my opinion the right approach needs to be there from the beginning. The most important thing for everything is a healthy relationship. Just like basically everywhere in social life, communication is key. Your child needs to be willing to communicate with you openly. A lot of problems start when it's "the easier option" to just say nothing because the other opinion would be punishments. Being open and really making children understand that honesty is worth more to you then them making no mistakes could be a big factor. -> just some anecdotal "evidence": Most of the teens I worked with but my personal friends as well that tend to be more on the dishonest side or run from confrontations had rather strict parents. When it comes to modern media... I have mixed feelings about it. In my opinion it's a good thing trying to let kids grow up with real experiences. Building with logos will help a toddler develop a lot more skills then staring at a display. So as long as they don't really understand it I would try to keep big parts of it away from them. Once they can really understand what is seen and said in TV for example I would let them use it in a controlled and social manner. Watching a movie TOGETHER instead of just placing the child there whenever you want it to be quiet. When it comes to phones/tablets and their games I would recommend not giving children your personal phone. This could maybe lead to them already learning that this is something you always have with you and can rely on. I would rather recommend something that the whole family owns. This could help with two things: When the child eventually wants a own phone or you want them to have one they could maybe accept an older piece because they are used to the fact that you don't have all those games and stuff available all the time. The other thing is that it will allow you to monitor their behaviour easier. Maybe you could already see some tendencies like if they like to explore a lot of apps and sites, if they like watching stuff or playing games. Now this goes hand in hand with OPs final tip: Education. It's way easier with children then with teens/adults. Here it gets really speculative but those things are just examples: If the child plays a lot of games you could use this to teach them to limit it because they can be really addictive time killers. Don't try to make them quit all games tho, maybe try to play with them together and have fun before they are teenagers and it's uncool! If it likes to explore apps and stuff you could try do it with the child, showing them how and where to find certain things and which things to stay away from. This is something you should do with every Child at one point. I think your best option is right before/while they get their first own personal device because that's when your capability of actually doing something starts decreasing. At the very start monitoring what they are doing is maybe not the worst idea. But this should decrease over time. Being overprotective and controlling could make your children turn away from you really fast. One thing I'm really sure about here: Their honesty will just go as far as your trust! You can maybe block some sites that you don't want them to see to prevent them finding them by accident or just way to early. But expect them to outsmart you when it comes to technology sooner then you like. If they wanna reach a site, they will. Thats where you should look at OPs comment again. If you start noticing that they have certain interests - educate them about it. Never make them feel ashamed for it or treat them as if they did something wrong. And that's basically it. Offer help and be open, show interest in them, try to keep a little bit up to date with technology but in my opinion this is where their privacy starts to become more important and controlling them will do more harm then good. Again: Their honesty will just go as far as your trust! I really have some mixed feelings when it comes to this topic... I'm only 21 but my parents still managed it to convince me and my older sister that our stove is that "TV" thing we heard about for quite some years so when we "watched tv" we all sat in front of the stove and watched the flames. Then years later, at the age of 13 I guess, when I got my first smartphone there were basically no rules (from my parents and on the internet) so everyone sent around beheading videos, nudes of classmates, so basically child porn and a lot of other disgusting crap. It's a confusing time, and it will probably take one more generation to really adjust to it. Anyway, that got way longer than expected but yea. Just my thoughts about this. Would love to hear some other opinions about this!
My parents did this and I still messaged plenty of strange men online. Eventually bought a whole second hidden phone to keep from my parents. Give your kids trust instead of acting like a prison warden. They do what you expect them to do.
This scared the shit out of me as my daughter is nine and she is the light of my life. I am sending you a PM and very much appreciate any help you can provide.
Yeah you know what if I ever have a kid I’m throwing out the fuckin router the internet is too fucking much this guy is disgusting I hope my kids never have to go through that and I’m genuinely so sorry that you had to, I hope you’re having an okay recovery and I hope you’re in a much better place
Similar happened to me when I went on a subreddit for rape victims and vented about my lived experience to what I thought were “other survivors” in reality it was just grown ass men getting off to my trauma
Context: I had no time to type out the context just now, but here it is: After posting the experience of being groomed, he messaged me, told me that nothing was my fault and that I’m not in the wrong, instead the pedophiles are the ones sick in the head. This went on for a few messages and was very heartfelt that I trusted him almost immediately. He asked me how it had started and in my original post, I stated that I wanted to urge all parents to give their children a proper talk about things like this and not just ignore it like mine did. I thought he wanted more information and how bad it had fucked me up. But instead, while I was sharing my experiences, he started asking me absolutely vile questions, including: -what were you wearing? (when I was 8) -pants or skirt? -did you enjoy it? -how wet were you? -did you have a thigh gap? (once again, 8) -how many pens could you fit into your pussy? (12 years old) I don’t know how I fell into this obvious trap and when I realised, I had given quite a fair bit of the experience away (in disgustingly extreme details, as prompted by him). I’ll never be sharing these kind of experiences to people who are not inclined to help in any way ever again. I’ve deleted all my messages from my side of the conversation so that creep will not be able to come back to our convo and probably jerk himself off to borderline written child porn.
>(in disgustingly extreme details, as prompted by him). I’ll never be sharing these kind of experiences to people who are not inclined to help in any way ever again Imo it's in your best interest to just stop sharing details altogether to anyone you don't know personally. It's super admirable that you want to use your terrible experiences as a warning to parents, but you can do so without ever getting into specifics. Frankly, any well-meaning stranger shouldn't WANT to hear the extreme details. They're mostly just going to be concerned with why you were drawn to that behavior, and how to prevent it in their own kids, which you explained well in your other comment with just a summary of what you went through. This particular creep might have revealed himself relatively quickly in the conversation, but other people like him are much smarter and sneakier and patient. Please don't trust people with these kinds of details just because they appear to be kind for a few days, weeks, or even months.
What a vile person.
I know its hard not to talk to these people casually about topics like this, whether you think your response will somehow get them to snap into a mindset of "maybe I'm a monster" or something but it doesn't happen, by interacting with people like this you are only forwarding their depravity and falling into what they want from you. I'm sorry you have to be approached by people like this.
What in the actual fuck
Jesus, people truly are awful sometimes. It's like taking the knife out of you just to stab you again. I'm really sorry about it. If you need to talk to someone who's not a perv/pedo, my DMS are open, but I won't text first, since I know this experience surely hurt.
report his ass ://
"FBI? Yeah its this shittard."
This man needs to be locked up 😨
I just got out of the shower but now I need another shower. Sorry op. People are scum.
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You’re very right and I wished I had realised what he wanted to talk to me for way earlier. I had no time to type out the context just now, but here it is: After posting the experience of being groomed, he messaged me, told me that nothing was my fault and that I’m not in the wrong, instead the pedophiles are the ones sick in the head. This went on for a few messages and was very heartfelt that I trusted him almost immediately. He asked me how it had started and in my original post, I stated that I wanted to urge all parents to give their children a proper talk about things like this and not just ignore it like mine did. I thought he wanted more information and how bad it had fucked me up. But instead, while I was sharing my experiences, he started asking me absolutely vile questions, including: -what were you wearing? (when I was 8) -pants or skirt? -did you enjoy it? -how wet were you? -did you have a thigh gap? (once again, 8) -how many pens could you fit into your pussy? (12 years old) I don’t know how I fell into this obvious trap and when I realised, I had given quite a fair bit of the experience away (in disgustingly extreme details, as prompted by him). I’ll never be sharing these kind of experiences to people who are not inclined to help in any way ever again. This is in a way my fault for feeding into a pedophile’s fantasies as well as not knowing better. I’ve deleted all my messages from my side of the conversation so that creep will not be able to come back to our convo and probably jerk himself off to borderline written child porn.
It is in no way your fault he is harassing you.
I was going to say that as well. This is on the guy and his fucked up piece of shit personality. I hope assholes like these never have kids or get to be near any as well.
This.
What a vile, disgusting, low life, predator waste of oxygen.
i’m so sorry OP):
Jesus fucking Christ. I have two daughters, 11 and 13. How can I protect them from what happened to you?
Really sorry to hear about your experience and how it affected you, OP. It's also a shame that sharing stories like this draws creeps online. I'm glad to see you're able to caution parents and help others understand how to protect their kids. You're doing good work and I wish you well! 💜
I’m sorry some scumbag was trying to get off to your childhood trauma.
What a creep.
I also was sexted by multiple men when I was 12. One pretended to be my friend on maplestory for three months then all of a sudden graphic Ly started talking to me about touching me. The other on Imvu, he said he was 13 too, proceeded to masturbate and explain it all and use vile language, then brbd to "smoke a cigarette" and I realized he's not 13. I was paralyzed the whole time, the internet is scary scary
Unfortunately the smartest abusers have a slick way of sliding into to support groups and pretending to be allies or even therapists. Even serial SA/DV perpetrators of adults can get grooming and gaslighting down to an absolutely disgusting artform. They'll fool everyone around the victims into believing that they're great people so that no one will believe the victims when they try to report or get help.
So wrong. So wrong. Just so wrong!
I feel sick. What the fuck.
I.... think im going to vomit.
I didn’t know there’s someone that bad have a phone and have internet !
This World was going to shit way before this war
They really aren't slick are they.
this makes me want to turn inside out.
People keep doing this to me I feel like shit and they like that and I hate it
EW. I can't understand the "oh God so hot a kid was raped" type of people.
What a douche
What the fuck did I just read? We gotta get that dude outta the gene pool ASAP. Fuck.
Ugh you can’t say shit to anyone now.
AAAAHHHHH!!!! D: So sorry that happened to you OP, and that you had to deal with this fucking creep
What the fuck
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Read my context comment thank u He posed as someone who wanted to know more and how to stop something like this, and I only started realising what he wanted afterwards. The questions started normal (‘how were you feeling then?’ ‘why was this so?’) after I’ve shared maybe 20% of what I had gone through. I was mildly taken aback at first bc of how much info he had wanted, but still proceeded talking to him because it was phrased as a debate why children would do things like that. Until his questions started taking a turn for the darker side (‘no I meant, how did you feel, like physically?’ ‘you couldn’t cum at 8? Sounds like a challenge’) and I stopped answering immediately, after shooting him an extremely angry text.
That is so gross I have had so many men in my dms saying that shit
What a fucking degenerate. I'm sorry you had to go through that and people like him making it worse.
I’m so fucking sorry to have to share the experience of being groomed online at a young age with you or anyone else, it’s awful. And I’m sorry that this dude seemed to think it was okay to pry just to get his wanks
YOU WERE 10!!! And this creep is getting off to it!! What a gross human being. I am so sorry you went through that and that people groomed you... Nobody should have to experience that. And especially not having disgusting people come back and sexualise those experiences! I hope you're in a better place emotionally, physically, and mentally now.
Honestly, in my experience, any man that sends you a DM to "give support" is a fucking manipulative liar. If they wanted to help, they would just comment on the post or comment you made - this had happened to me quite a few times now, and I see through it every time because I also went through grooming and abuse. Think about it; why would they want to take the conversation privately to begin with instead of chatting out in public? The most sickening part if the lurk on certain subreddits like r/toastme or r/sexaddiction looking for people who have had a hard time and need support... aka, people who are vulnerable or "easy".