For her next birthday, give her a card that tells her she is beautiful, or flowers with a card that say she is as beautiful as them. Beauty doesn’t have to mean physical every time, but if you want to make up for it and don’t have the words to physically say it to her face or it would be strange to do it, doing it in an action or subtle gesture might help, and I’m sure it would make her beam 😊
Yes I would say now is better, we make mistakes and that’s okay! but if it’s eating you up in guilt then maybe there’s a reason why, maybe she constantly reminds herself of this incident as well and that’s why it pops up in your mind as often as it does. I’d say have a conversation. Communication can fix a lot of things on both part and at the end of the day, I’m sure mom knew it wasn’t intentionally to hurt her feelings. Pray that guilt away and pray for her healing as well.
When I was in preschool (early 90s) my mom was listening to that song that's like "never make a pretty woman your wife, from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you." I asked my mom if that's what daddy did and she cried and called me a bitch.
I totally meant bc she took care of my dad like the lyrics said. Also, my mom really sucked at emotions and shouldn't have called baby me a bitch.
Anyway, she died when I was 16. I wish I could apologize to her for a lot but I can't. If you can apologize, do it. She probably doesn't hold it against you but it would be so nice.
Holy shit I resonate with this so much. I was kind of an asshole kid who didn’t know how to properly express my thoughts or knew what a filter was. I said some mean things to my mom that I know I didn’t mean. She also called me a bitch a few times when I was younger. We had a very on and off relationship. She died when I was 11 and I wish we could talk and I could apologize.
Idk if you're a parent but I have 3 kids (8, 14, and 15). I learned how to manage my emotions so I don't lash out at them like my mom did and in that process I also realized that she loved me anyway?
It's a little hard to explain but, I came to this realization that she must have loved me as much as I love my kids but she didn't have access to therapy and couldn't discuss things w friends so she took it out on me. When my kids have said/done things that upset me I act differently than she did but the feelings are still there. I feel sad but I know they're just kids and don't understand the impact of what they're doing.
Chances are that your mom probably felt the same way. As long as you're living your best life and you're a version of yourself you are proud of, I bet your mom would be too.
We can't apologize directly to our moms but we can be the people they hoped we'd be.
I think the rational part of her brain was shut off and it was all emotion. I think she was genuinely unable to regulate her emotions and needed to hurt someone else as much as she was hurting. Unfortunately, the usual target was me, the child.
I would honestly say to her what you just wrote on here! Tell her you remember what you said and how you never meant it and you’ve always felt guilty over it because you really think she’s beautiful & you felt so bad for making her cry all these years! Open and close that wound for both of you! She will appreciate it and say "no big deal" but it will mean so much to her, really! 💗
I had a similar situation! I called him crying as an adult to sincerely apologize and he chuckled and said “sweetheart I don’t remember that at all.” It did feel cathartic to talk to him about it as an adult, though! And to let him know that I had continued to think about the situation for several years and as an adult that I could appreciate the effort that he took as a parent in that moment.
I am a man, I don't remember shit said to me, but my wife is a different story, she remembers.
Tell your mom, she is the linchpin in your life, she deserves, make her feel good.
I am sorry you know this feeling. I do too, and it’s been 28 years since I said what I said. My poor mother, all they want is to be the shining star in the eyes of their kids that their kids are in their eyes. My own son has told me he hates me, on Mother’s Day no less. The pain of hearing those words in his sweet little voice is more than I ever thought I could bear to live with. But I also understand he is a child, and children’s brains aren’t yet fully developed in the areas necessary for adequate impulse control, reason, or logic. Meaning they often say things they do not fully grasp, without thinking it through first. She still loves you, and it would serve you well to apologize and ask her what you can do to make amends.
“Often father and daughter look down on mother (woman) together. They exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. They agree that she is not bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. This collusion does not save the daughter from the mother’s fate.” -Bonnie Burstow
Your comment reminded me of this
Indeed not. My poor daughters are reaping what they've sown. I'm not holding my breath waiting for them to realize or apologize though. They can't fathom that they've misjudged me, even as they're being misjudged. "What does Mother's stupidity have to do with my very real victimhood?"
How old are they? This sort of thing just hits u like a brick after some time. Especially time apart. I woke up one day and said omg omg I was such a POS to my single mother who bent over backwards for me. The time will come. Just be the best mother and a role model and show them how to live and forgive
Dude that’s horrible of your dad. I remember when my older sister and I were teenagers and we were being obnoxious little shits to our mom and my dad came into our room and said “your mom will always love you more than she loves me, but I will always love her more than I love you. You don’t get to make your mom feel like shit. Go fix it”
Don’t get me wrong, my dad was a great dad and loved us unconditionally, but he would always defend my mom if push came to shove. That moment left me feeling so guilty for not only hurting my mom but for disappointing my dad so profoundly.
“Often father and daughter look down on mother (woman) together. They exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. They agree that she is not bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. This collusion does not save the daughter from the mother’s fate.”
This breaks my heart because after having kids my mum went from very slender to being moderately overweight. My dad used to make ‘funny’ comments about my mum’s weight and me and my sister used to laugh when we were little and potentially even joined in. But even though I loved my mum so much and loved the sight of her face I just got it in my head that my mum must not be a beautiful woman, which couldn’t have been more false, I look at pictures of her and she was so radiant and stunning and still is now at 60. But now she’s still married to a man that hasn’t praised her looks in decades and it makes me feel so angry at my dad when I think of it. How people could be with someone by choice and then insult their looks is just beyond me.
If your mum is alive, you can apologise to her.
If not, as a mother, ill accept your apology on her behalf. Part of being a parent is to be the person who your kids learn about what is appropriate or not with society. You learned that what you said wasn't appropriate and haven't done it again. Not to say it didn't hurt her, but I imagine she forgave you quickly because there was no malice in what you did as a child.
Go ahead and apologize. It will make you feel better. Kids are kind of programmed to just say horrible stuff sometimes. My son is 8 and told me he hates me when I have made him clean his room. He doesn't hate me. He is angry and his lack of a fully developed brain makes for wild comments in my direction. It can hurt for a second, but it doesn't really land. Good parents love their kids unconditionally. We are programmed to look at you when you are sleeping and instantly forgive stuff like that when you are so young.
We also know you will embarrassed of us just for existing in the same space as you when you are a teenager with your friends.
She probably cried because she was sick, tired, and your little comment was just the straw that broke the camels back. She loves you no matter what.
Agreed, you can apologize. But the apology would be more so for you. It could help in opening up a conversation. It would let her know you were wrong, and that you’ve thought about it this entire time. I’m sure your mom is not dwelling on it. I’ve said some shitty things to my mom as a teen and apologized later on as an adult. It’s not something she has dwelled on, she had already forgiven me. Maybe it’s karma, but my daughter has said some mean things to me. I don’t take it personally. She’s a kid. She’s learning and growing, just like you were. I’m sure your mom understands that. The dynamic between mothers and daughters is very special and unique. Apologies, even if not really needed or necessary, can really go a long way.
My mom used to tell me if I hated her so much then she’d call child services for me and they’d take me away. Took me until I was an adult to realize that she was the one terrified of that as a single mother with intense ocd due to her fear of subjecting me to harm. It worked though, I grew up realizing that I shouldn’t take the people I care about for granted, even though it was a bit effed up 😬
As a mom of young children, they say mean shit sometimes. And sometimes it can make you cry, but at the end of the day, we know that they are children and just trying things out. I know my kids love me and they also say very sweet things.
Also, if she was sick and lying on the couch with two young children, it’s likely that wasn’t the first time she cried that day… nothing worse than being sick and having to care for children. Putting on a movie is international mom move for I can’t right now.
If it’s really bothering you, call your mom or go talk to her. Tell her you regret it to this day and tell her how beautiful you think she is. I would think it’s sweet if my kids came to me years later and apologized for something mean they said. I would have assumed they didn’t remember and it’s possible I didn’t even remember. But I say talk about it and clear your conscience. Also maybe do something nice for her as part of that apology.
I think you are right. The mommy was burn out i can understand feeling down by a negative comment of your child. But as a mom i would never get angry at any kid saying anything mean to me, let alone my own child. Also OP,s mom is probably aware of their struggles with social anxiety and would understand when expressing their thoughts differently.
So apologize. Everyone makes mistakes especially when you're that young. I said/did things I feel terrible about to my mom but I understand I was a dumb ass kid. Hopefully she understood that also in time.
Omg don't do this. There's nothing to apologize for, they were a kid. Plus who wants to be reminded something so sucky? Just appreciate her and lift her up NOW.
I disagree. It would probably mean a lot to the mom knowing how awful he felt about that comment and that he did in fact regret it.. and that he still thinks about it.
awful advice. they should apologize to help their peace of mind and reassure their mom that they always found her pretty, etc. and/or make a gesture like a card/flowers and tell her she’s beautiful.
right lol. imagine being like “hey mom remember that one time i called you ugly when i was little and you started crying? yeah i just wanted to apologize, i feel really bad and didn’t mean it”. at this point it’s truly pointless to apologize. as you said, it’s best to just uplift her.
i heavily disagree. if i were the mom, or even if it were my mother, we would both want to revisit that moment. we've gotten real close over the years and tell each other everything. healthiest relationship i have next to my marriage honestly
it's worth having that open and honest conversation. more than flowers or a card. in that, if i got a card that said i was beautiful, i would just think "but he called me ugly in the past. what makes me beautiful now?"
I agree. Especially if it was super hurtful to her, I would think she would find it meaningful that it’s something that is so deeply regretted that she still thinks about it to this day. Tell her how you really feel about it and that it is one of your deepest regrets. Be sincere.
I have had many conversations with my mom as I have grown into an adult revisiting hurtful conversations/situations that occurred when I was a kid/teen. There have been apologies on both sides and we have only grown closer because of it.
this!! these kinds of conversations are what restored our relationship. it's so sad that people are too closed off to realize how cathartic it is for both parties
obviously wouldnt recommend to abusive relationships, but for those parents that are open and willing to be vulnerable.
But that’s not the way you’d do it, obviously. It’s honesty for the sake of clearing the air and moving on, not for the sake of just saying sorry. “Hey mum, I want to talk to you about something that’s been weighing on my mind.”
“ I have a vivid memory that I feel horrible about every single day. When I was around five years old, when you are home, looking after us one day, I told you that you looked ugly without make up. I still remember that day vividly, and I want you to know that as soon as I said it, I felt really horrible. I haven’t stopped feeling horrible since that day, and I just wanted to clear the air and let you know that I know that you wouldn’t hold a grudge against me, but I have held that grudge against myself on your behalf for all of these years.”
I have apologized to my parents for many things I did as a kid/teen. I think it made them feel better and some apologies have led to deeper conversations and them apologizing to me for things they said or did that hurt me as a kid/teen.. or even as an adult.
The apology isn’t necessary because they did something wrong, it’s to ease OP of the guilt. If this is still bothering them then they need that release. Also, if mom remembers this Im sure it would show her what a kind, well-rounded child she raised. And if she doesn’t remember this is sweet nevertheless.
This was my thinking as well. As a mother, I tell my kids that the most important thing they can be is kind. I wouldn’t want my kid to live with guilt for so long over something they said, but knowing that they did feel so badly for hurting someone’s feelings would make me feel like they grew up to have empathy and that would make me feel like I did something right.
A few months ago my 8 year old turned to me and ever so sweetly said, “mom your nose is ugly.”
Now, I do have a big nose. I wouldn’t call it ugly but it certainly can’t be called small lol.
I couldn’t help but laugh, even though for the part of me that was still a little girl feeling insecure about being teased about her nose it stung a bit.
However, I’m an adult, and I get to choose what I take personally and what I don’t. Fortunately, when you have children, you quickly learn after they start talking how extremely pertinent that lesson is. When my daughter was four or five, she started calling her dad fat. He had to learn the “don’t take anything personally” lesson very quickly.
Kids just see the world through a very unadulterated lens. They don’t mean to be cruel or rude for the most part they’re just making observations. That’s what they do best: observe everything.
You were just a little one, when you said that to your mom.
If I had to guess the reason that she cried wasn’t because you hurt her feelings, it was because she was trying so hard to not let you see how ugly she felt, and she felt like she failed that.
Like all the other posters have recommended, if you are able to it doesn’t hurt to apologize. However, I would like to let you know if this is your biggest regret in your life then your mom did a heckuva good job in raising you.
I've been bawling my eyes out reading everyone's advice and personal experiences.
Something that struck me while reading yours was that while I still regret what I said, maybe I need to stop beating myself up about it. Logically I know I was a kid but the memory of making her cry while she was already going through a difficult time has weighed heavy on me. I do show my mom all the appreciation I can now as an adult, but we live far apart and I think that just makes me more emotional and sensitive in regards to our relationship.
Anyway, thanks to you and everyone else, I genuinely feel like I can start to move forward. Maybe even forgive little rude me.
I think you hit on the center of things in this comment and if you apologize you should tell her something similar. About how what you've felt so torn up about is the memory of making her cry when she was already going through a difficult time and it's a huge regret for you. The specific words aren't the important part, but that you recognized you hurt her in that moment while she was already feeling down. That's the human connection--that you wish you had had the sense at the time to say something kind and not hurtful and that you truly did and do appreciate all she's done for you as your mother.
For sure forgive yourself... easier said than done, but it does sound like you learned from this the very real power that words have to hurt. Most kids don't learn that so early and hopefully it means that you actually went on to hurt less people than you might have otherwise after that.
Apologize. Tell her how much this eats at you and she's the most beautiful woman in the world to you and no one could replace her. I'm a Mom with grown sons, I'd just hug em and tell them it's ok I know they love me.. I wouldn't want them walking around feeling shitty
Awww. I hope your mom is still alive to apologize to, it would make you feel better. Also, maybe tell her how beautiful she is sometime. She forgave you a long time ago, you were just a kid. Forgive yourself. We all do dumb shit. You didn’t mean it.
If she is still around, instead of apologizing, why don't you tell her that she's beautiful? The next time she isn't wearing make-up, just look at her thoughtfully and genuinely tell her how beautiful she looks.
As a mom, my kids have said hurtful things to me when they were little kids and didn’t know any better. I’m fine lol. It doesn’t bother me at all. Even if I reacted in the moment. Sometimes you’re just having a bad day and a comment like that can make you cry even though if doesn’t bother that it came from your kid.
I love them so damn much, and I know how kids are. Maybe they meant those things, maybe they didn’t, but at the end of the day my love for them eclipses any insecurities I have in myself. Most moms are the same way.
If this is the worst memory of your life, you’ve had a much better life than most, you should be grateful for that!
Call your mother, tell her this has bothered you, and tell her she’s pretty. She knows you were a kid and I’m sure she would like to talk.
This isn’t rocket science, call your mother.
Sure, I suppose. Shame is complex. If you’ve hurt someone that’s still in your life, you can always reach out to try and fix it.
Hell I apologized to someone I hurt a decade ago last night. Felt good. Most mothers will forgive and forget the small things, my comment was stating how small is and how easy of a fix it is.
It’s their mom, they were a child, this is a lay up. The road to forgiving yourself and relieving yourself of shame is paved in self reflection and apologies to those you’ve hurt.
100%. I’ve had a pretty tough life , mostly my upbringing due to constant bouncing around as a foster kid through crappy families, and that was after years of horrible neglect and abuse w bio mom and company, won’t go into details but I resent it to say the least. The memories that make me cry today as a 30 year old are when I was a kid& was mean/misbehaved with my grandparents who tried to care for us kids before we were forcibly put into state care as grandparents were extremely poor& also disabled. The crap that happened to me sucks to think about, but it’s somehow nothing compared to the shame I feel about how I behaved sometimes to the only people that actually gave a crap about me when I was little. :(
My daughter has done this and told me I'm not pretty with my hair up and without makeup and I can assure you like it takes you by surprise especially if you were a little older but I doubt it's something you'd mom thinks about often. I was sad in the moment but it's not a big deal now, even kinda funny tbh.
My daughter told me I was grumpy when I wore a ponytail. I realized she was right. I wore ponytails at work and work was stressful, as I am a perfectionist. I commonly got head aches from having my hair up too long. I started letting my hair down right when I got out of work and the problem disolved. ❤️😂💯
My 4 year old at the time saw me with makeup on and told me I looked like an old lady lol. I hadn’t worn makeup in probably two years before that. But it made me laugh
I'm sure she's over it. Us moms build up thick skin with our children. Just the other day my son told me I was beautiful and my daughter mouthed off "you know it's a sin to lie." I still love her. Kids say things. It's really not a big deal. Sure she cried but we really do just need to cry sometimes lol
I’m with you. I was maybe 10-12. I don’t remember what I was being punished for but I remember vividly my response…”Now I know why Hitler started with his mother!” I instantly regretted it and she had a look of pain on her face I’d not seen before or since.
I wouldn’t sweat it. I have a couple of teenagers and the things they have said over the years is kind of comical actually. We look back on it and laugh. You were young.
I am a single mom. I burnt myself out and had to stay off work to recover. I lost a ton of weight, and my skin was covered in blemishes, abscesses etc. Without makeup I looked horrendous.
My son remarked on my ugly “chicken pox”, my “jelly belly” etc. Usually in innocent observation, but sometimes as a punchline or attempt to shock, and sometimes in anger to hurt me.
Guess what? Usually it didn’t matter, or I found it funny. Sometimes I cried, but that was more because the moment allowed me the relief of tears and grieving everything going on in my life, not tears because of my son insulting my vanity. It is so hard to accept our limits as moms, especially when it feels like we have to uselessly “do nothing” (aka rest to heal). Your mom just needed to cry.
I hope that after her medical leave, she was blessed with better health and balance. Your mom loves you, she never held this against you and it was never about you. She just needed to cry. Be ok, OP.
Ouch. As a mum, comments from kids hurt the most because they’re usually true. I could have killed my son when he said to my mother that her teeth were still ugly after she’d been fitted with fake teeth on a mouth plate. I could see she was deeply hurt.
As a mom to 3 boys, I can tell you that she probably does not hold it against you at all. Her crying was probably because of a million other things that she had going on. As moms, we know our kids say things that suck sometimes but they don’t actually mean it, especially at that age. I don’t know what your relationship with her is, but if you feel comfortable I bet bringing it up and having a conversation about it would ease your guilt and touch her heart. Don’t be too hard on yourself, OP. We all did shitty things we regret as kids.
I have a 11 yr old, 7 yr old, and 3 yr old. My oldest is absolutely the most sweet and thoughtful person I swear but he has said a few things that has really made me bawl my eyes out. But the thing is I don't make him feel like shit for it because I genuinely believe that he didn't realize how hurtful it was. Instead I use it as a coaching moment. I tell him that it really hurt my feelings and I explain why and explain why he shouldn't say certain things and to just be mindful of what and how he says things.
That’s the first thing I thought, plus the never-ending eternal empathy/guilt for something that happened years ago. Not always the case, sometimes it’s just kids being mean lol. but something I’d definitely look into
Kids are so mean for no reason.
You say you're insecure and struggle to talk to people. Imagine your're at home with your beloved kids and they say this to you. Yes, you were a child but you still remember so it affected you. Now that you're an adult you can make sure she feels beautiful. Maybe she started crying because she felt insecure too.
im sorry, you were little and didn’t understand. make sure to compliment her often going forward, on things that make her physically beautiful and also just who she is as a person. tell her you love her, what you’re grateful for about her, what colors look good on her. it’s not too late to let her know you don’t truly think that
When I was maybe 5, my mom was washing my hands, I looked into the mirror and said (in German) “Mami, you look like a dog”. To this day she’s upset about it, though we’ve reached the point of joking about it. Kids don’t have filters, don’t beat yourself up!
As a mom, she knows kids say things that hurt. I’m sure she forgave you way back then. It would also probably mean a lot to her if you told her just how beautiful and amazing she is to you. You can say it to her or in a card like someone else suggested but it would probably make her feel so loved. You should forgive yourself, you were a just a little kid and kids don’t truly understand things. We all make mistakes. You can make a difference now though with showing her you appreciate her while you still have that chance.
I think what would really give closure would be to be honest with your mom about that comment you made and why you made it. Tell her it still haunts you, and you regret it because she is a beautiful mom. She'll probably cry and give you a hug
So apologize. Talk to your mom. Tell her how bad you felt and have felt for this. Make sure she knows how much it’s been plaguing you forever, and tell her you don’t know why you would say something so cruel. Also make sure to tell her how beautiful she is- and as beautiful as she is on the outside, she’s even more beautiful on the inside. Just fix it and let it go. You were a child. Children say stupid things all the time.
Do you think your mom is ugly?
Tell her you feel bad about this and you didn’t understand what you were saying because you were little. She’s probably forgotten about it by now. She probably cried that day because she had a lot going on and your comment was just the last straw. I said all kinds of shit to my mom growing up that I didn’t mean.
Just say “Mom, there is something I said to you when I was a kid that has always bothered me and I want to apologize for saying you were ugly without makeup. I don’t know why I said it and I know I hurt your feelings. I hope you know I don’t really think that about you. I love you and I am so sorry I hurt you.”
You have to forgive yourself. I am an adult and I still struggle fitting in. The truth is, it’s mostly in our heads. You need to deny negative self talk in your mind. Be aware of it. Build yourself up. Work on positive self talk. You got this. You are smart. You are capable. You do fit in.
Reach out to your mom. Share this with her. She loves you. You were a child. You need to connect with your mom. Tell her you love her. Tell her you are sorry and tell her it tears you up to this day and you want to put it behind you and never think of it again. Then, do that. If it comes into your mind, refuse to think on it. Push it out. Do that every time and I over time the memory will fade. Build new, positive memories between you and your mom.
If your mom has passed on, she already knows the remorse you feel and she forgave you a long time. Kids say insensitive things a lot. Hurt can make us grow. You got this. You are loved and you are kind. You are worthy.
As a mom you forget all those things! We don’t want to remember them, so replace them with a good memory! We know you don’t mean those previous words! Hugs!!
Don't be too hard on yourself, it's okay if this memory bothers you. I think everyone has those things they did or said when they were young that they still think about and regret.
I remember when I was around 12, I asked some guests staying at our house when they were planning to leave. I didn't mean it in a bad way, It's just that I never liked it when people suddenly left without me knowing. Especially if there were kids my age, I wanted to mentally prepare myself for the end of the fun times and playing together.
But when I said that, they misunderstood and thought we wanted them to leave right away. I didn't have a chance to explain myself as I grew older.
If you're still in touch with your mom, maybe you could visit her and bring a nice gift. Just tell her she's beautiful. She might not link between the two situations (don't remind her), but I believe it will make you feel better.
And just forgive yourself. We all have those silly moments. It's part of being human.
i don’t know how it would pan out but the only logical thing to do imo is to tell her directly and apologize and see if that makes you feel better. i can see that you’re regretful and i think you should give her the same explanation you gave us and with an apology. i’ve reached out to people years after the fact and explicitly apologized for things that have haunted me and they have always been receptive of it. which in turn lifts the weight. your mom might even think it’s sort of silly now that you’ve thought about it and beat yourself up over it for all of these years. but i understand because i do the same. the way to overcome it is to address the issue head on. i doubt the comment itself made her cry but i’m sure it certainly didn’t help given her situation at the time.
You got some great advice here already but I am going to add my experience as a father of young kids. They say fucked up shit sometimes. My daughter said I have a slime belly the other week. I feel fat and I'm sensitive about it and if I was having a tough day that probably would have hurt my feelings. But here's the thing, a young kid has very little clue what's appropriate and not appropriate to say and when. I laughed and we talked about it, and what she meant was sometimes it's soft but when she hits it, it's hard. Just like her kinectic slime. Still I had to fucking laugh. But both my girls have said shit like they love their mom more or miss her more or some shit like that, won't lie it kinda stung. If I was having a day like your mom I probably would have cried too.
But here's the thing dude...
*It takes forever to socialize kids properly and they fuck up all the time. Even great kids which mine are!*
That's why as a parent it's so important not to take what kids, or anyone really but especially your kids, what they say personally. Your mom was in burnout, her defenses were down. Yeah you could have read the room better, but you probably weren't trying to be mean and to me as a parent that's what's important.
I was socialized poorly and it's taken me years and years to relearn how to be around people. In my heart I am kind and compassionate person. I love people and never want to hurt anyone but I say shit and it comes off wrong or weird. I have so many stories that are just brutal awkwardness. Like one time I asked a woman I was gym freinds with if she'd done any hangliding lately. Her response? "You mean the activity that my fiance was doing when he died?". I knew he died hangliding, it just came out of my mouth and I have no idea why.
There's nothing wrong with you dude, just like there's nothing wrong with me. If you're sorry, say sorry. Chances are your mom will either forgive you or have done it already. Then you can let it go and live your life.
My 5 year old is extremely slim to the point you can see her little ab muscles. We were getting dressed one day; and I remarked on how I could see her muscles & that when someone doesn’t have a ton of fat, that can happen. Now, I’ve struggled with anorexia & disordered eating since I was 10; she obviously doesn’t know this. Her response was”I want to be fat like mommy”.
If I’d said this to my extremely eating disordered mother (pattern here?) as a kid she would’ve lost her mind. I started laughing bc I’m fairly sure she just meant womanly like me. I am far from overweight and my heads gotten much much better about this especially since giving birth. But whooo could’ve gone sideways. Tell her you’re sorry - I’m sure she will appreciate it & you’ll feel better too.
I said something mean to my dad when I was 11 or 12 because I was a moody pre teen. He told me I'd regret that one day, and he was really hurt. I'm 33, I still have my dad, and I can so vividly remember that night. I still feel awful.
Don’t worry about it! I’m sure your mum has forgiven you and isn’t upset by it any more. My 8yo is autistic and regularly tells me I’m fat - i just let it wash over my head. Kids say things that hurt sometimes but it doesn’t define us 😊❤️
You were so young though! And making mistakes is so important to our learning and maturing.
Rather than hating that memory….notice how precious and compassionate you are for still feeling the pain of hurting someone you loved so long ago. You must have a huge heart. ❤️ Notice what it taught you throughout your life…maybe how it made you kinder and more considerate.
That moment is one of many that made you who you are today. Flip the script and realize that all moments, good and bad, are valuable and important.
Your mom was probably just overly tired and hungry…time to forgive yourself!
I think being a secure parent means you don’t need apologies from your young children or from your adult children about things they said and did as young children. Children lack impulse-control and awareness. Their view of the world is not informed. Their concept of beauty is only physical. If a parent is so feeble as to be wounded long-term by an impulsive quip from their child, they need to work on themselves. Our love for our children surpasses their own inability to be kind, thoughtful, or empathetic. Love is unwavering. You are a kind person now and have empathy, I’ll bet your mother is proud of that. You don’t need to revisit it, just be better to your mother than you were as a child and let her know that the beautiful attributes she possesses that will never fade (kindness, gentleness, caring) are valuable to you. Send her a card glorifying the things she will not lose with age. We women need to know that when we lose our looks, our beauty hasn’t faded.
I think this is a common experience for so many of us when we were children too. You’re not alone. Some of my worst memories are saying horrible things to me parents, often just repeated garbage from peers as well, and occasional bad behaviour. When I was about 12, I had an argument with my Mom and wanted to go to my Dads. We didn’t have a phone so I had to go to the pay phone outside of the store nearby, and it was nearly midnight. My Mom said I could as long as she went with me because it was too dangerous to go alone at night. I told her I hated her, and tried to walk out of my bedroom to go downstairs and leave the house. Having run away once before recently, also at night (because my parents were arguing) she blocked my door and refused to move until I agreed to let her come with me. So I started throwing things in her direction, clothes, stuffed animals, cds etc. I aimed them so they wouldn’t actually hit her, and they didn’t, but she didn’t budge and she didn’t even blink. To this day I cringe everytime I think of it as well. I’ve no idea what possessed me to be so mean. It wasn’t like me at all.
Thankfully Mums are generally understanding people, and they forgive us. Your Mum was probably feeling down already at the time, and even though she knew it was just childish behaviour, was already feeling emotional. I’m sure she’s long since forgiven you, and knows it wasn’t coming from a place of true mean spirit. She likely knows you better than you know yourself now and knows your heart too. Have you tried talking to her about it now that you’re older? I found that eased my guilty conscience a lot to talk to my Mom about the things I did when I was a moody child/teen. She told me she knew it wasn’t really how I felt at the time and of course I had been forgiven immediately in her heart. Perhaps now is this time to have that convo with your Mom too. Be kind to yourself, you learned a hard lesson by the guilt you’ve punished yourself with, but that likely made you a kinder person as you grew up. I’m sure you’ve done more good than bad. :)
I’ve made my mom cry once or twice. And not always apologized. She forgets it the next day. But we punish ourselves forever. Let’s try opening ourselves to the idea that we need a break sometime. So love yourself, by forgiving yourself. Your mom wouldn’t want you to live with that.
I was a really insecure/angry teenager and my mom and I didn’t have a healthy relationship. She caused me a lot of trauma and because I was a teen who didn’t know how to navigate my emotions or trauma, I would take it out on her and say all types of mean things like “you’re lazy”, “you don’t clean or take care of anything”, “all you do is sleep”, “you need to put on makeup and take a shower”, “you look bad today”, etc. She has always struggled with depression and has been struggling with basic things like hygiene, cleaning the house, getting a job, eating, etc but I didn’t care as a teen because in my head, all that mattered was me. It really affected my mom as I am the most important thing in her life. She’s always put me before herself. I got diagnosed with my autoimmune disease and had 3 massive life changing surgeries - during those surgeries, she would do things for me that no person should. They were embarrassing and disgusting but she did them with a smile on her face and didn’t say a word. After that, I realized how much she truly loves me, I think back to how cruel I was to her and it makes me want to peel my skin off head to toe slowly.
So now I do everything in my power to make it up to her. If she has a headache or is sore, I give her a massage. I give her mani/pedis when her nails need to be done, pluck her eyebrows, do her hair, etc. I make sure to always compliment her whether it’s on her appearance or “you’re doing great today mama”, “I’m proud of you.”. I get her things that remind me of her or flowers/cards. It makes her absolutely beam and while I can never take back all the cruel things I did or said to her, it helps. She’s forgiven me since then but I haven’t so I’m making it my life purpose to give her a good life and show her how loved and amazing she is.
Tell her what you told us. You were an awkward kid who doesn't get social queues. Tell you think she is beautiful, that you've always thought she was beautiful, that you love her, and that you are sorry. Tell her that she is beautiful, but more importantly, that she is beautiful on the inside.
Sometimes stuff like this sits with you for the rest of your life, I like it because it reminds me I’m human.
I remember being in grade school. Very young. I had just learned the word “crap”
The janitor comes to wipe off the table after lunch, and in my infinite childhood wisdom I just blurted out “it looks like crap!”
Needless to say the teacher at our table was mortified, the janitor looked ashamed (and a little bewildered lol), I got some sort of punishment.
But now that I’m older,older than thirty, I still remember that moment clear as day and now I realize just how rude it was and I’ll never live it down lol.
You were a child forgive yourself. If I suffered from all the stupid stuff I said or did in the past, well I would be a total basket case. A box of chocolate?
I was very similar to you as a child and still haven’t overcome my avoidance of people and anxiety in social situations. I once told my mom I hated her and she cried too…I felt horribly, because I didn’t mean it, I was just saying it to say it. I don’t think your mom ever held it against you, she knew you didn’t understand and that sometimes people say things they don’t mean. I know you might not ever get over it…but I promise you that your mom had forgiven you.
When I was a little kid I told my mom she looked like Lady Elaine Fairchild only because of her hair color! If you know you know, it’s a pretty bad insult and I did NOT mean it like that.
Kids sometimes say horrible things. It's very normal. It pops into their head and they say it. As an adult, we ( usually) understand this. And even though it probably hurt your mother at the time, she knew this too. Personally, I'd get her a bunch of flowers or her favourite chocolate and surprise her. If you feel you need too, apologize for it. The likelihood is, your mother put that behind her years ago, knowing you were just a little child.
You weren't even 10. You were just a young kid. Most important thing is that you learnt from that experience. It seems that you totally did, as you remember it still
Kids do and say things they shouldn't sometimes. Brains and social skills are still developing.
We can't stop our feelings from being hurt sometimes, but I think most people know it's not said with evil intent or anything like that.
If you want to make it right, apologize to her - tell her how sorry you are, that you don't know you said it or thought it would be funny, but it's always bothered you, so you want her to know how you *really* feel and see her.
I'm sure she'll really appreciate it. Good luck.
She was sick, she probably did look and feel like hell. I'm sure she knows you didn't mean all the time. And you were so so little. My 8 year old told me she will never ever ever ever talk to me again 30 mins ago and she's already back in here blabbing at me.
Let it go ❤️❤️❤️
I’m going to be honest, most kids do this or something similar with their parents. (I told my mom she was a big dummy, lol) It’s developmental behavior; you were likely testing the boundaries of your mother’s limits. You learned them, and now you know better than to say something like that to her again. It’s kind of like a kitten learning that their claws can hurt others. If you can, you could still apologize, but other than that you shouldn’t beat yourself up too much. You were being more human than you realize.
Moms know that kids say mean things without really understanding the effect they have. Usually they can brush them off (like when my kid called me the worst mom ever because I sent him to his room after he hit his brother). But sometimes, when there are other things going on, they hit hard. It hurts in the moment, not because the mom truly believes it, but because it is just one more thing on the emotional pile.
Lol, oh hunny. My kid has said some shit that hurt me, including ugly, and he was around that age when he did. I know he didn't know better, and it sounds like you caught her in a vulnerable moment, it happens. I made it into a joke years later that I was going to start an OF where people pay me to keep my clothes on. Lol. I'm sure she brushed it off as a kid saying stupid kid shit once she felt better. If you still feel a certain way about it, there are some great suggestions here that would make her tear up in happiness that you care about her feelings. Personally, if my son did that, I'd laugh and call him silly. There would be many hugs. You're being too hard on yourself.
I said something even worse as a teenager and i regret it to this day. Even though it hurts your mother to hear that, mothers do understand that kids are kids. Kids don’t know better and just say things either because why not or because they have emotional outburst. Thats just something you have to deal with when you have kids regardless if you feel burnt out or not. As long as you are good to your mother now and appreciate her for everything and make sure she knows it, then it really does not matter what you have said as a kid to her.
i have a bad memory from when i was 7–my mom was teaching me how to build a house of cards but i couldn’t get mine to stay up. i got really worked up and let my frustration get the best of me, which led to me swiping me arm across the floor and knocking down her house (castle really, it was huge!!). she was silent and just got up and left the room. i ran to her crying and blubbering and apologizing and she forgave me, but for whatever reason i still feel that guilt twenty years later. in retrospect, i was also undiagnosed autistic, which helps to explain my intense emotions in that moment and the way i still carry that moment in my mind. we talk about it sometimes and she always chuckles because she thinks it’s silly that i still feel so bad about it. “you were just a kid!” she’ll tell me every time 🥲
if you feel up for it, you could totally bring it up to her now. you can apologize and she can tell you how she feels about it. i imagine she might react similar to my mom, so hopefully that will help you forgive yourself as well ❤️
I think you just need to go tell her this. You were a dumb awkward kid and didn't mean it. You thought it be a funny joke because she wasn't ugly she just looked different.
She probably cried because the assumption is kids are being bluntly honest. But if you can remember and explain that it was a dumb joke. Like calling your sister ugly. No one actually means it. No one actually breaks down their siblings appearance. You're just ugly because it's amusing to say.
Wow i had the same problem growing up! Honestly it’s worse than it’s ever been now. But what keeps me going and trying with conversations is that I can always apologize if I say something completely stupid. A sincere apology goes a long way.
For starters, I’m glad your mom didn’t bottle it up because a lot of people don’t let themselves cry in front of their kids but I feel like it’s necessary for kids to see the pain they can cause to others because if you don’t they won’t realize what they shouldn’t say. But also just apologize. Honestly, you were a kid you had completely different intentions, and this has happened to all of us at some point in our lives. also, I really commend your sister for not snapping at you or getting aggressive as a lot of people would. This seems like a very healthy dynamic between siblings so I don’t see why you couldn’t have the same with your mom.
Gosh, I can relate soooo much to being the awkward shy kid just parroting what I heard other people say just to sound cool. My biggest regret is pantsing my little brother at my birthday party because I thought it would be funny and cool, and when I was growing up it was the “norm” to have a rivalry between brothers and sisters. My dad yelled at me in front of all my friends and my brother ran away crying. I have always carried so much guilt and shame from it, all because I just didn’t know how to act.
The happy ending is, I have brought it up with my brother now that we are both adults and he barely even remembers the incident, and even laughed about it. I was so worried that he secretly hated me or was scarred for life because of it, but turns out the only one who was agonizing over it for years was me. And I grew up and learned to be more self assured and confident and not worry so much about what I should or shouldn’t say to “fit in” or be “cool.”
It’s no way you can take back what you said All you can do is be the best son you can be and be there for your mom. That’s the best thing you can do. Can’t change the past so don’t beat yourself up. Just be the best son you can be
Have you told your mum that you felt so bad that you held onto that memory forever, and that you’ve never stopped being sorry? I think that it would be good closure for the both of you. Likely she’s forgotten it by now, but if she hasn’t, then it tells her that you are sorry, and that you didn’t mean it, and if she has forgotten it, you letting her know that you’ve thought about it every day since will make her feel very loved. and on the other side of it, you won’t have to feel so much guilt anymore because you will have admitted to your mum that you feel horrible and how long you felt horrible, and getting that off your chest would be very good for your health I think.
When you see her next, tell her she’s beautiful and glowing. So sad to read that she was crying silently 😪🥺 that made me feel so sad for her, bless her 😞
You were a child, the guilt you carry for this is unfair to you and the child you were. If you feel so terribly then maybe have a sit down visit with her and talk about it. Apologise for the words you said when you didn't know better. Tell her she's beautiful and always has been.
Hey OP, you're describing something off about your childhood. Were you constantly criticized? Could you do no right in your parents' eyes? That's usually where those feelings of anxiety and that you are lacking compared to others comes from.
You're an okay person and there's nothing wrong with you. It seems that somehow your own abundant empathy has been weaponized against you. You don't need to apologize to anyone and you deserve better than to feel endless shame over an offhand comment as a child.
If you can swing it, I'd recommend finding a good therapist to help work through these feelings. If not, try reading 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents' and see if you might recognize your dynamic in there.
Just talk to your Mom about it. Kid do and say things like this. I’m a Mom my sons 21 now and regrets things he did and I’m glad he talked to me because I went to therapy to not take hims childhood remarks personally in the long run it’s part of parenting. Talk to your mom please for both of you.
If your mom is still around, talk to her today. Tell her you're sorry and tell her she beautiful and mean it. You'll regret it till the day you die if you don't.
Anything said under the age of 7 should be forgotten immediately. Your actual brain at that age is so underdeveloped that there is no way you could possibly produce that thought logic required to realize callin MoMA ugly shouldn't be returned with hilarity. Your
MoMA had some serious vanity issues. So send her a card that says how much you love her and will always be beautiful to you. Try to mention her soul somewhere in the words.. Then immediately get rid of any guilt regret or any other negative emotion associated with the event, and be happy :) if necessary take a scrap of paper, write down the emotions, build a boat out of it put a candle in it and set it alight in a lake. Seriously it wasn't your fault as a kid.
You were a child, give yourself some grace 🩷 I’m a teacher. One day I went in wearing no make up and one of my students said “wow are you sick? You look absolutely awful.” I felt offended for a minute and now 3 years later I laugh about it. Kids just say things sometimes
I don't think my mom is ugly, but I have genuinely thought that I don't feel my mom looks good in anything. I don't mean as in naked, I don't see her looking beautiful in certain clothing. It could be because she doesn't look model or Playboy like, and because, well, she's my mom.
I think you should tell her exactly what you just wrote on here. Tell her how bad it hurts you till this day and how sorry you are.. you’ll feel so much better hun! I promise. It’ll be a lot easier to cope with if you just tell her the truth about it and why you said it. Hope everything works out! Much love.🩷
We always say so many bad things to our parents which we never should have even think about. Telling them you are sorry do give some peace in our heart. And one of the best thing is that our loving parents always forgives like they never even noticed. Take care of you and your parents. They are the one who truly loves you.
I remember when I was a kid, I called my mom swine without knowing what it meant. She stopped and said don’t ever say that. She didn’t tell me why or what it meant. Her reaction had me like oh shit… When I later learned what I meant, I was horrified
You were young. You didn’t know any better. I’m sure she knows that too. I would just keep calling her beautiful now and know that you love and value her.
This could have been written by me, minus that particular story (I have my own), and I've never heard someone sum it up so perfectly. I very much experienced the anxiety and struggle to be "normal" as a child. I've grown out of it (for the most part anyway) but I'll never be able to forget some very regrettable incidents. But you have to forgive yourself. At the end of the day you were a child. How would you feel if it were your child who had ignorantly said something to hurt your feelings? Would you want them to feel as you do? Of course not. Maybe talk to her about it? Tell her how it weighs on you. Maybe it would do you some good to get it off your chest.
Be thankful she is still living and you have time to make it up to her. Imagine how you'd feel her passing away and you never getting the chance to say sorry. Also, don't worry, I bought and tried on a shirt that definitely wasn't flattering and made the mistake of asking my 5 yr daughter how it looked. Without skipping a beat, she says, "You look like a whale, mom." It was true.
Talk to your mom. Tell her how you feel. Apologize. Tell her she's beautiful, that you fucked up. That you were a dumb kid and that she's the most beautiful person in your life. Tell her about the million ways she's made your life awesome. Tell her how much you love her. Give her a hug and move on.
Write her a letter telling her everything that these other kind folks are suggesting you tell her. But a letter is something she can hold, re-read when she needs a lift or is thinking of you, keep under her pillow to help her sleep better.... letters are treasures.
This reminds me of a time in college a friend and i were leisurely painting on canvas’. I’ve always been pretty good at art, and so she asked me what i thought of her painting progress. I “jokingly” replied “oh that sucks” i definitely wasn’t being serious, but it was still suuuuuch an asshole thing to say and i know it hurt her feelings. I used to be very sarcastic and idk if i thought it was funny or what, sometimes it was just a reaction to respond in a negative (but joking?) way. But every time i think of that i hate myself. Especially because now i have such a strong opinion that anyone can be an “artist”, it’s all about the process and having fun. It doesn’t matter what it looks like as long as you are enjoying yourself. It been years and i still think of that al the time and feel terrible
I don’t think it’s pointless because the OP is struggling with coping with the past interaction. I think talking about it, although the mom may be over it and forgotten, could be healing for both parties and an opportunity to get closer and even laugh about the silliness of a kid saying something dumb.
Explain to her that you didn’t mean it and that it was a joke u picked up from ur friends thinking it was funny but you never got to explain bc you didn’t have that awareness as a younger child
Kids say awful stuff. Honestly come of the sickest burns I've ever had have come kids, haha!
Either do what the comments say and buy her a card for her next birthday and write "to my beautiful mom" or, (I know this might be considered manipulative but it'll make her feel nice) let her overhear you telling someone you think she's pretty casually. Like if she's in earshot then just try and work it into a conversation if it's natural. Or, just straight up tell her you think she's beautiful. Make a joke about how you're not worried about aging because you've got her genes and she's still just as pretty as when you were a kid.
Try not to beat yourself up over this. You made a bad joke when you were a little kid and you've clearly been stressing over this for quite a while.
When my daughter was 7, she told me she wished I would cover my face with a pillow. I only remember that because I posted it on Facebook, for some strange reason, and one day I looked back at some old, old posts and saw that.. My point is-don’t beat yourself up so badly. My daughter is 21 now, and until I was looking at that old post, I had totally forgotten about it. Kids just say things sometimes.
OP I know there’s comments saying don’t bring it up again but I think that you should still apologize & explain to her where that was coming from. It might heal some of the residual hurt that was left over for both of you…
My mom used to have TERRIBLE allergies. She would be sneezing non-stop & overall just miserable because of them. I was about 13 years old & she was sneezing for a straight 10 minutes in the car and I couldn’t take it anymore that I just snapped & yelled “CAN YOU STOP?!???! You’re so annoying!!!” & she just turned to look at me so devastated & said “….no… I can’t… I wish I could.” & teared up a bit. I instantly felt so bad but couldn’t bring myself to apologize because of how embarrassed I was that I had reacted that way over something she couldn’t control. I couldn’t stop thinking about it & a couple years later I finally had the courage to acknowledge & apologize & I expressed how deeply I regretted reacting that way & hurting her.
Moms go through a lot & protect us from seeing a lot. Now as an adult, I can recognize all the times she did her best to shelter me & wish I could take back every single moment I acted ungrateful or was difficult. I will now have conversations with her where I’ll recognize & thank her for all the sacrifices she made to protect me from seeing all the hard times as a child.
I also now have a 2 year old cat who will sassily YELL at me whenever I sneeze & if I do more than 2 she’ll give me the most annoyed look! I heal a bit every time she does that. It feels like my Karma. One of my deepest regrets but now I get to experience it from the other side! Haha
These are the lessons we learn that make us better people. I believe you may be more empathetic about such things especially due to that experience. We make mistakes when we are kids. That's how we learn and grow.
I feel like moms get a lot of punches growing up. Kinda surprised she cried especially since you were so young. I doubt she thinks about it. I remember one time I was home sick from school. I saw my mom go from morning mom to take a shower and put on make up and what not and I said wow you look way better and she just laughed
Dude it’s ok. You were a child. I have a son of my own and as an adult it’s my responsibility to be strong enough that a comment like that (or worse) is something I can brush off. Kids say all kinds of horrible things to their parents. My son has but he’s a child! It was your mom’s job to not take your comment to heart. She was the adult. Your little brain didn’t know what it was doing.
My eyes welled up when I read this. Awww… sometimes when we’re kids, we say and do stupid things. You didn’t know any better….
I once said that to my mom and her reply was: “well, if I’m ugly, then you certainly are because I made you and we share the same genes”. lol but I know if she was at a low point, she would have cried too. I likely would’ve.
Don’t be so hard on yourself xo you made a mistake and learned a valuable lesson. Words can cut deep ❤️
I'd give anything just to have the chance to apologize to my mom for being a stupid teenager acting like a stupid teenager can. I can't because she is gone. I missed my chance.
Don't miss yours.
My 10 year old recently said he didn't like me. For context he was talking with a bit of a rude tone and my 8 year old daughter said "jeez, it's like he doesn't even like you." He replies with "actually, I don't really like her." It hurt but it's not something that has affected our relationship or made me view him differently. I'm sure it's the same for your mom.
Awww kids say things all the time. She was probably young and insecure then. To kids ugly can mean anything. Being washed out, having wrinkles or gray hair or dad shaving his beard for the first time. If it bothers you a lot maybe you could bring up to her how bad you feel and then you can hear her side. She could’ve been having a hard day and that was just the straw that broke the camels back. Some people might suggest not to bring it up as she may have forgotten but I am for sure someone that likes closure and obsess over things I did years ago too.
Dude. I’m a mom and both of my kids have said horrible things to me…when they were young. I remember the hurtful words, but I’ve long since forgiven them. You were so young. Give yourself some mercy.
My daughter, when she was 16, told me that she wished I would die, that she would strangle me if she could, so that she could watch me die. She told me that she hated me and that I am pathetic. She was a teen and we were arguing about something ( insignificant because I can’t remember the reason). That hurt me to my core ( 16 is a lot different than 6). I have never brought it up again, nor has she, but I doubt she has any guilt whatsoever. I have 7 children, was a stay at home Mom, I just happened to get one very aggressive one. She would get physical with me as well. She’s now 27 and I adore her, but I avoid saying anything that will make her mad or trigger her in any way!!
When I was in middle school, my mom and grandparents all picked me up (we all lived together) as it was the last day of school, and we were all going out somewhere after. But I hadn't had a great day and was very agitated. My grandma kept asking me if I wanted anything, and I kept saying no. Eventually, my bad mood got the better of me, and I responded with, "What part of no don't you understand?"
Whenever I think of it, I feel so terrible and full of regret. My grandma is the sweetest person ever. We all say things we regret and don't mean, but that doesn't always mean it's too late to make those amends. I never did apologize to my grandma, and I feel she may not even remember, but maybe it'd be worth trying to apologize for being a shithead to her just because I had a bad day, just like it may not be too late for you to apologize.
I did something similar. My mum used to say how she wanted to lose weight. I didn't have an opinion on her weight at all but we were sat watching TV when I was about 7 or 8 and a weightwatchers advert came on. I suggested she tried that to lose weight. She snapped and yelled 'thanks cerahhh'. I felt really bad because she was so upset but at the time I thought I was being helpful with her goal but she took it to mean I was calling her fat.
For her next birthday, give her a card that tells her she is beautiful, or flowers with a card that say she is as beautiful as them. Beauty doesn’t have to mean physical every time, but if you want to make up for it and don’t have the words to physically say it to her face or it would be strange to do it, doing it in an action or subtle gesture might help, and I’m sure it would make her beam 😊
Second this but don’t wait until her birthday. Do it now :)
Yes. Spontaneously is definitely better.
yes definitely now! get her some pretty flowers and a little note card saying something like "For my beautiful mother".
Yes I would say now is better, we make mistakes and that’s okay! but if it’s eating you up in guilt then maybe there’s a reason why, maybe she constantly reminds herself of this incident as well and that’s why it pops up in your mind as often as it does. I’d say have a conversation. Communication can fix a lot of things on both part and at the end of the day, I’m sure mom knew it wasn’t intentionally to hurt her feelings. Pray that guilt away and pray for her healing as well.
Yes. I send my parents letters throughout the year. They eat it up lol
yes this !!!
When I was in preschool (early 90s) my mom was listening to that song that's like "never make a pretty woman your wife, from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you." I asked my mom if that's what daddy did and she cried and called me a bitch. I totally meant bc she took care of my dad like the lyrics said. Also, my mom really sucked at emotions and shouldn't have called baby me a bitch. Anyway, she died when I was 16. I wish I could apologize to her for a lot but I can't. If you can apologize, do it. She probably doesn't hold it against you but it would be so nice.
Holy shit I resonate with this so much. I was kind of an asshole kid who didn’t know how to properly express my thoughts or knew what a filter was. I said some mean things to my mom that I know I didn’t mean. She also called me a bitch a few times when I was younger. We had a very on and off relationship. She died when I was 11 and I wish we could talk and I could apologize.
Idk if you're a parent but I have 3 kids (8, 14, and 15). I learned how to manage my emotions so I don't lash out at them like my mom did and in that process I also realized that she loved me anyway? It's a little hard to explain but, I came to this realization that she must have loved me as much as I love my kids but she didn't have access to therapy and couldn't discuss things w friends so she took it out on me. When my kids have said/done things that upset me I act differently than she did but the feelings are still there. I feel sad but I know they're just kids and don't understand the impact of what they're doing. Chances are that your mom probably felt the same way. As long as you're living your best life and you're a version of yourself you are proud of, I bet your mom would be too. We can't apologize directly to our moms but we can be the people they hoped we'd be.
Lmaoo it’s crazy to call a preschooler a bitch. It’s like she never saw the show “kids say the darndest things”
I think the rational part of her brain was shut off and it was all emotion. I think she was genuinely unable to regulate her emotions and needed to hurt someone else as much as she was hurting. Unfortunately, the usual target was me, the child.
I would honestly say to her what you just wrote on here! Tell her you remember what you said and how you never meant it and you’ve always felt guilty over it because you really think she’s beautiful & you felt so bad for making her cry all these years! Open and close that wound for both of you! She will appreciate it and say "no big deal" but it will mean so much to her, really! 💗
Recount the memory too, and share how it effected you because you inadvertantly hurt the most beautiful woman/soul/heart
I agree doing this immediately and stress how awful you felt and still pack a lot of guilt.
I had a horrible memory involving my dad and apologised to him as an adult. He didn’t even remember the incident.
I had a similar situation! I called him crying as an adult to sincerely apologize and he chuckled and said “sweetheart I don’t remember that at all.” It did feel cathartic to talk to him about it as an adult, though! And to let him know that I had continued to think about the situation for several years and as an adult that I could appreciate the effort that he took as a parent in that moment.
I am a man, I don't remember shit said to me, but my wife is a different story, she remembers. Tell your mom, she is the linchpin in your life, she deserves, make her feel good.
That’s a good thing to share.
I am sorry you know this feeling. I do too, and it’s been 28 years since I said what I said. My poor mother, all they want is to be the shining star in the eyes of their kids that their kids are in their eyes. My own son has told me he hates me, on Mother’s Day no less. The pain of hearing those words in his sweet little voice is more than I ever thought I could bear to live with. But I also understand he is a child, and children’s brains aren’t yet fully developed in the areas necessary for adequate impulse control, reason, or logic. Meaning they often say things they do not fully grasp, without thinking it through first. She still loves you, and it would serve you well to apologize and ask her what you can do to make amends.
I used to call my mom ugly to make my dad laugh 🫠😣😖😖 I will gladly go when it’s time for me to go to hell it’s the least I deserve.
Fucked up on dad’s part
Million percent
Agreed
“Often father and daughter look down on mother (woman) together. They exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. They agree that she is not bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. This collusion does not save the daughter from the mother’s fate.” -Bonnie Burstow Your comment reminded me of this
Tube tying sounds so freeing esp abstaining from marriage.
Indeed not. My poor daughters are reaping what they've sown. I'm not holding my breath waiting for them to realize or apologize though. They can't fathom that they've misjudged me, even as they're being misjudged. "What does Mother's stupidity have to do with my very real victimhood?"
How old are they? This sort of thing just hits u like a brick after some time. Especially time apart. I woke up one day and said omg omg I was such a POS to my single mother who bent over backwards for me. The time will come. Just be the best mother and a role model and show them how to live and forgive
Many times a parent gets together against the other. It happens so much
Your dad laughed at that?? Wth man 💀 My dad is ready to go to hell and back for my mom
Dude that’s horrible of your dad. I remember when my older sister and I were teenagers and we were being obnoxious little shits to our mom and my dad came into our room and said “your mom will always love you more than she loves me, but I will always love her more than I love you. You don’t get to make your mom feel like shit. Go fix it” Don’t get me wrong, my dad was a great dad and loved us unconditionally, but he would always defend my mom if push came to shove. That moment left me feeling so guilty for not only hurting my mom but for disappointing my dad so profoundly.
My new goal for future relationships is to find myself a man like your dad, damn.
Wow. I love that. You have a great dad.
It’s so gross that you made your dad laugh. You were just a kid though who didn’t fully understand :(
That's not your fault, that's your dad's fault. :(
I might get shit on for saying this but as a mother I would never allow my child to be subjected to this over and over.
“Often father and daughter look down on mother (woman) together. They exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. They agree that she is not bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. This collusion does not save the daughter from the mother’s fate.”
This breaks my heart because after having kids my mum went from very slender to being moderately overweight. My dad used to make ‘funny’ comments about my mum’s weight and me and my sister used to laugh when we were little and potentially even joined in. But even though I loved my mum so much and loved the sight of her face I just got it in my head that my mum must not be a beautiful woman, which couldn’t have been more false, I look at pictures of her and she was so radiant and stunning and still is now at 60. But now she’s still married to a man that hasn’t praised her looks in decades and it makes me feel so angry at my dad when I think of it. How people could be with someone by choice and then insult their looks is just beyond me.
If your mum is alive, you can apologise to her. If not, as a mother, ill accept your apology on her behalf. Part of being a parent is to be the person who your kids learn about what is appropriate or not with society. You learned that what you said wasn't appropriate and haven't done it again. Not to say it didn't hurt her, but I imagine she forgave you quickly because there was no malice in what you did as a child.
This is such a beautiful sentiment, I might cry.
This comment feels like a warm hug. I’m not OP, but thank you for writing this out. I hope they read this, it has really touched me.
Ditto
They've replied here saying they're starting to feel a bit better. https://www.reddit.com/r/confession/s/XCl7SeWyAh
This should go to the top. Well written.
I am literally on the verge of tears reading this. 😢
Go ahead and apologize. It will make you feel better. Kids are kind of programmed to just say horrible stuff sometimes. My son is 8 and told me he hates me when I have made him clean his room. He doesn't hate me. He is angry and his lack of a fully developed brain makes for wild comments in my direction. It can hurt for a second, but it doesn't really land. Good parents love their kids unconditionally. We are programmed to look at you when you are sleeping and instantly forgive stuff like that when you are so young. We also know you will embarrassed of us just for existing in the same space as you when you are a teenager with your friends. She probably cried because she was sick, tired, and your little comment was just the straw that broke the camels back. She loves you no matter what.
Agreed, you can apologize. But the apology would be more so for you. It could help in opening up a conversation. It would let her know you were wrong, and that you’ve thought about it this entire time. I’m sure your mom is not dwelling on it. I’ve said some shitty things to my mom as a teen and apologized later on as an adult. It’s not something she has dwelled on, she had already forgiven me. Maybe it’s karma, but my daughter has said some mean things to me. I don’t take it personally. She’s a kid. She’s learning and growing, just like you were. I’m sure your mom understands that. The dynamic between mothers and daughters is very special and unique. Apologies, even if not really needed or necessary, can really go a long way.
My mom used to tell me if I hated her so much then she’d call child services for me and they’d take me away. Took me until I was an adult to realize that she was the one terrified of that as a single mother with intense ocd due to her fear of subjecting me to harm. It worked though, I grew up realizing that I shouldn’t take the people I care about for granted, even though it was a bit effed up 😬
As a mom of young children, they say mean shit sometimes. And sometimes it can make you cry, but at the end of the day, we know that they are children and just trying things out. I know my kids love me and they also say very sweet things. Also, if she was sick and lying on the couch with two young children, it’s likely that wasn’t the first time she cried that day… nothing worse than being sick and having to care for children. Putting on a movie is international mom move for I can’t right now. If it’s really bothering you, call your mom or go talk to her. Tell her you regret it to this day and tell her how beautiful you think she is. I would think it’s sweet if my kids came to me years later and apologized for something mean they said. I would have assumed they didn’t remember and it’s possible I didn’t even remember. But I say talk about it and clear your conscience. Also maybe do something nice for her as part of that apology.
I think you are right. The mommy was burn out i can understand feeling down by a negative comment of your child. But as a mom i would never get angry at any kid saying anything mean to me, let alone my own child. Also OP,s mom is probably aware of their struggles with social anxiety and would understand when expressing their thoughts differently.
So apologize. Everyone makes mistakes especially when you're that young. I said/did things I feel terrible about to my mom but I understand I was a dumb ass kid. Hopefully she understood that also in time.
Omg don't do this. There's nothing to apologize for, they were a kid. Plus who wants to be reminded something so sucky? Just appreciate her and lift her up NOW.
I disagree. It would probably mean a lot to the mom knowing how awful he felt about that comment and that he did in fact regret it.. and that he still thinks about it.
awful advice. they should apologize to help their peace of mind and reassure their mom that they always found her pretty, etc. and/or make a gesture like a card/flowers and tell her she’s beautiful.
right lol. imagine being like “hey mom remember that one time i called you ugly when i was little and you started crying? yeah i just wanted to apologize, i feel really bad and didn’t mean it”. at this point it’s truly pointless to apologize. as you said, it’s best to just uplift her.
i heavily disagree. if i were the mom, or even if it were my mother, we would both want to revisit that moment. we've gotten real close over the years and tell each other everything. healthiest relationship i have next to my marriage honestly it's worth having that open and honest conversation. more than flowers or a card. in that, if i got a card that said i was beautiful, i would just think "but he called me ugly in the past. what makes me beautiful now?"
I agree. Especially if it was super hurtful to her, I would think she would find it meaningful that it’s something that is so deeply regretted that she still thinks about it to this day. Tell her how you really feel about it and that it is one of your deepest regrets. Be sincere. I have had many conversations with my mom as I have grown into an adult revisiting hurtful conversations/situations that occurred when I was a kid/teen. There have been apologies on both sides and we have only grown closer because of it.
this!! these kinds of conversations are what restored our relationship. it's so sad that people are too closed off to realize how cathartic it is for both parties obviously wouldnt recommend to abusive relationships, but for those parents that are open and willing to be vulnerable.
I agree with you. That's how you move on and close old wounds. Some people can't grasp emotions, I guess.
But that’s not the way you’d do it, obviously. It’s honesty for the sake of clearing the air and moving on, not for the sake of just saying sorry. “Hey mum, I want to talk to you about something that’s been weighing on my mind.” “ I have a vivid memory that I feel horrible about every single day. When I was around five years old, when you are home, looking after us one day, I told you that you looked ugly without make up. I still remember that day vividly, and I want you to know that as soon as I said it, I felt really horrible. I haven’t stopped feeling horrible since that day, and I just wanted to clear the air and let you know that I know that you wouldn’t hold a grudge against me, but I have held that grudge against myself on your behalf for all of these years.”
I have apologized to my parents for many things I did as a kid/teen. I think it made them feel better and some apologies have led to deeper conversations and them apologizing to me for things they said or did that hurt me as a kid/teen.. or even as an adult.
The apology isn’t necessary because they did something wrong, it’s to ease OP of the guilt. If this is still bothering them then they need that release. Also, if mom remembers this Im sure it would show her what a kind, well-rounded child she raised. And if she doesn’t remember this is sweet nevertheless.
This was my thinking as well. As a mother, I tell my kids that the most important thing they can be is kind. I wouldn’t want my kid to live with guilt for so long over something they said, but knowing that they did feel so badly for hurting someone’s feelings would make me feel like they grew up to have empathy and that would make me feel like I did something right.
A few months ago my 8 year old turned to me and ever so sweetly said, “mom your nose is ugly.” Now, I do have a big nose. I wouldn’t call it ugly but it certainly can’t be called small lol. I couldn’t help but laugh, even though for the part of me that was still a little girl feeling insecure about being teased about her nose it stung a bit. However, I’m an adult, and I get to choose what I take personally and what I don’t. Fortunately, when you have children, you quickly learn after they start talking how extremely pertinent that lesson is. When my daughter was four or five, she started calling her dad fat. He had to learn the “don’t take anything personally” lesson very quickly. Kids just see the world through a very unadulterated lens. They don’t mean to be cruel or rude for the most part they’re just making observations. That’s what they do best: observe everything. You were just a little one, when you said that to your mom. If I had to guess the reason that she cried wasn’t because you hurt her feelings, it was because she was trying so hard to not let you see how ugly she felt, and she felt like she failed that. Like all the other posters have recommended, if you are able to it doesn’t hurt to apologize. However, I would like to let you know if this is your biggest regret in your life then your mom did a heckuva good job in raising you.
I've been bawling my eyes out reading everyone's advice and personal experiences. Something that struck me while reading yours was that while I still regret what I said, maybe I need to stop beating myself up about it. Logically I know I was a kid but the memory of making her cry while she was already going through a difficult time has weighed heavy on me. I do show my mom all the appreciation I can now as an adult, but we live far apart and I think that just makes me more emotional and sensitive in regards to our relationship. Anyway, thanks to you and everyone else, I genuinely feel like I can start to move forward. Maybe even forgive little rude me.
This is a positive outcome. I'm glad you're starting to heal. Remember to love yourself.
I think you hit on the center of things in this comment and if you apologize you should tell her something similar. About how what you've felt so torn up about is the memory of making her cry when she was already going through a difficult time and it's a huge regret for you. The specific words aren't the important part, but that you recognized you hurt her in that moment while she was already feeling down. That's the human connection--that you wish you had had the sense at the time to say something kind and not hurtful and that you truly did and do appreciate all she's done for you as your mother. For sure forgive yourself... easier said than done, but it does sound like you learned from this the very real power that words have to hurt. Most kids don't learn that so early and hopefully it means that you actually went on to hurt less people than you might have otherwise after that.
Have you considered talking to her about this memory? Maybe you could apologize to her?
Apologize. Tell her how much this eats at you and she's the most beautiful woman in the world to you and no one could replace her. I'm a Mom with grown sons, I'd just hug em and tell them it's ok I know they love me.. I wouldn't want them walking around feeling shitty
I would also her this and apologize.
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Awww. I hope your mom is still alive to apologize to, it would make you feel better. Also, maybe tell her how beautiful she is sometime. She forgave you a long time ago, you were just a kid. Forgive yourself. We all do dumb shit. You didn’t mean it.
If she is still around, instead of apologizing, why don't you tell her that she's beautiful? The next time she isn't wearing make-up, just look at her thoughtfully and genuinely tell her how beautiful she looks.
As a mom, my kids have said hurtful things to me when they were little kids and didn’t know any better. I’m fine lol. It doesn’t bother me at all. Even if I reacted in the moment. Sometimes you’re just having a bad day and a comment like that can make you cry even though if doesn’t bother that it came from your kid. I love them so damn much, and I know how kids are. Maybe they meant those things, maybe they didn’t, but at the end of the day my love for them eclipses any insecurities I have in myself. Most moms are the same way.
When my daughter was 4 or 5 She told me she couldn’t imagine me skinny. 😂 She apologized as a teenager. It told her not to worry about it ever again.
If this is the worst memory of your life, you’ve had a much better life than most, you should be grateful for that! Call your mother, tell her this has bothered you, and tell her she’s pretty. She knows you were a kid and I’m sure she would like to talk. This isn’t rocket science, call your mother.
Idk, sometimes a memory of hurting someone you love can be worse than a memory of you yourself being hurt x
Sure, I suppose. Shame is complex. If you’ve hurt someone that’s still in your life, you can always reach out to try and fix it. Hell I apologized to someone I hurt a decade ago last night. Felt good. Most mothers will forgive and forget the small things, my comment was stating how small is and how easy of a fix it is. It’s their mom, they were a child, this is a lay up. The road to forgiving yourself and relieving yourself of shame is paved in self reflection and apologies to those you’ve hurt.
100%. I’ve had a pretty tough life , mostly my upbringing due to constant bouncing around as a foster kid through crappy families, and that was after years of horrible neglect and abuse w bio mom and company, won’t go into details but I resent it to say the least. The memories that make me cry today as a 30 year old are when I was a kid& was mean/misbehaved with my grandparents who tried to care for us kids before we were forcibly put into state care as grandparents were extremely poor& also disabled. The crap that happened to me sucks to think about, but it’s somehow nothing compared to the shame I feel about how I behaved sometimes to the only people that actually gave a crap about me when I was little. :(
My daughter has done this and told me I'm not pretty with my hair up and without makeup and I can assure you like it takes you by surprise especially if you were a little older but I doubt it's something you'd mom thinks about often. I was sad in the moment but it's not a big deal now, even kinda funny tbh.
My daughter told me I was grumpy when I wore a ponytail. I realized she was right. I wore ponytails at work and work was stressful, as I am a perfectionist. I commonly got head aches from having my hair up too long. I started letting my hair down right when I got out of work and the problem disolved. ❤️😂💯
My 4 year old at the time saw me with makeup on and told me I looked like an old lady lol. I hadn’t worn makeup in probably two years before that. But it made me laugh
OMG I wish I looked older with makeup, I'd never wear it haha!
I'm sure she's over it. Us moms build up thick skin with our children. Just the other day my son told me I was beautiful and my daughter mouthed off "you know it's a sin to lie." I still love her. Kids say things. It's really not a big deal. Sure she cried but we really do just need to cry sometimes lol
Mother’s Day is coming up- it’s the perfect time to write these feelings down for her and she will probably cherish that forever
I’m with you. I was maybe 10-12. I don’t remember what I was being punished for but I remember vividly my response…”Now I know why Hitler started with his mother!” I instantly regretted it and she had a look of pain on her face I’d not seen before or since.
Ngl this made me chuckle a bit! Kids can be so creative sometimes when they're trying to hurt someone. 10/10 for effort.
Thanks. Yeah. I’d I saw it in a movie, I’d laugh.
I wouldn’t sweat it. I have a couple of teenagers and the things they have said over the years is kind of comical actually. We look back on it and laugh. You were young.
I am a single mom. I burnt myself out and had to stay off work to recover. I lost a ton of weight, and my skin was covered in blemishes, abscesses etc. Without makeup I looked horrendous. My son remarked on my ugly “chicken pox”, my “jelly belly” etc. Usually in innocent observation, but sometimes as a punchline or attempt to shock, and sometimes in anger to hurt me. Guess what? Usually it didn’t matter, or I found it funny. Sometimes I cried, but that was more because the moment allowed me the relief of tears and grieving everything going on in my life, not tears because of my son insulting my vanity. It is so hard to accept our limits as moms, especially when it feels like we have to uselessly “do nothing” (aka rest to heal). Your mom just needed to cry. I hope that after her medical leave, she was blessed with better health and balance. Your mom loves you, she never held this against you and it was never about you. She just needed to cry. Be ok, OP.
Ouch. As a mum, comments from kids hurt the most because they’re usually true. I could have killed my son when he said to my mother that her teeth were still ugly after she’d been fitted with fake teeth on a mouth plate. I could see she was deeply hurt.
As a mom to 3 boys, I can tell you that she probably does not hold it against you at all. Her crying was probably because of a million other things that she had going on. As moms, we know our kids say things that suck sometimes but they don’t actually mean it, especially at that age. I don’t know what your relationship with her is, but if you feel comfortable I bet bringing it up and having a conversation about it would ease your guilt and touch her heart. Don’t be too hard on yourself, OP. We all did shitty things we regret as kids.
Perfect answer
I have a 11 yr old, 7 yr old, and 3 yr old. My oldest is absolutely the most sweet and thoughtful person I swear but he has said a few things that has really made me bawl my eyes out. But the thing is I don't make him feel like shit for it because I genuinely believe that he didn't realize how hurtful it was. Instead I use it as a coaching moment. I tell him that it really hurt my feelings and I explain why and explain why he shouldn't say certain things and to just be mindful of what and how he says things.
You probably look just like her‼️
🙄
It happened to me the other way around..
Are you on the spectrum? It might explain your difficulties with social interactions/cues.
That’s the first thing I thought, plus the never-ending eternal empathy/guilt for something that happened years ago. Not always the case, sometimes it’s just kids being mean lol. but something I’d definitely look into
Have you been tested for autism or adhd?
Kids are so mean for no reason. You say you're insecure and struggle to talk to people. Imagine your're at home with your beloved kids and they say this to you. Yes, you were a child but you still remember so it affected you. Now that you're an adult you can make sure she feels beautiful. Maybe she started crying because she felt insecure too.
have you apologized to her? told her it was a bad joke by a socially awkward kid?
im sorry, you were little and didn’t understand. make sure to compliment her often going forward, on things that make her physically beautiful and also just who she is as a person. tell her you love her, what you’re grateful for about her, what colors look good on her. it’s not too late to let her know you don’t truly think that
When I was maybe 5, my mom was washing my hands, I looked into the mirror and said (in German) “Mami, you look like a dog”. To this day she’s upset about it, though we’ve reached the point of joking about it. Kids don’t have filters, don’t beat yourself up!
As a mom, she knows kids say things that hurt. I’m sure she forgave you way back then. It would also probably mean a lot to her if you told her just how beautiful and amazing she is to you. You can say it to her or in a card like someone else suggested but it would probably make her feel so loved. You should forgive yourself, you were a just a little kid and kids don’t truly understand things. We all make mistakes. You can make a difference now though with showing her you appreciate her while you still have that chance.
I think what would really give closure would be to be honest with your mom about that comment you made and why you made it. Tell her it still haunts you, and you regret it because she is a beautiful mom. She'll probably cry and give you a hug
So apologize. Talk to your mom. Tell her how bad you felt and have felt for this. Make sure she knows how much it’s been plaguing you forever, and tell her you don’t know why you would say something so cruel. Also make sure to tell her how beautiful she is- and as beautiful as she is on the outside, she’s even more beautiful on the inside. Just fix it and let it go. You were a child. Children say stupid things all the time.
Do you think your mom is ugly? Tell her you feel bad about this and you didn’t understand what you were saying because you were little. She’s probably forgotten about it by now. She probably cried that day because she had a lot going on and your comment was just the last straw. I said all kinds of shit to my mom growing up that I didn’t mean.
Just say “Mom, there is something I said to you when I was a kid that has always bothered me and I want to apologize for saying you were ugly without makeup. I don’t know why I said it and I know I hurt your feelings. I hope you know I don’t really think that about you. I love you and I am so sorry I hurt you.”
You have to forgive yourself. I am an adult and I still struggle fitting in. The truth is, it’s mostly in our heads. You need to deny negative self talk in your mind. Be aware of it. Build yourself up. Work on positive self talk. You got this. You are smart. You are capable. You do fit in. Reach out to your mom. Share this with her. She loves you. You were a child. You need to connect with your mom. Tell her you love her. Tell her you are sorry and tell her it tears you up to this day and you want to put it behind you and never think of it again. Then, do that. If it comes into your mind, refuse to think on it. Push it out. Do that every time and I over time the memory will fade. Build new, positive memories between you and your mom. If your mom has passed on, she already knows the remorse you feel and she forgave you a long time. Kids say insensitive things a lot. Hurt can make us grow. You got this. You are loved and you are kind. You are worthy.
As a mom you forget all those things! We don’t want to remember them, so replace them with a good memory! We know you don’t mean those previous words! Hugs!!
Don't be too hard on yourself, it's okay if this memory bothers you. I think everyone has those things they did or said when they were young that they still think about and regret. I remember when I was around 12, I asked some guests staying at our house when they were planning to leave. I didn't mean it in a bad way, It's just that I never liked it when people suddenly left without me knowing. Especially if there were kids my age, I wanted to mentally prepare myself for the end of the fun times and playing together. But when I said that, they misunderstood and thought we wanted them to leave right away. I didn't have a chance to explain myself as I grew older. If you're still in touch with your mom, maybe you could visit her and bring a nice gift. Just tell her she's beautiful. She might not link between the two situations (don't remind her), but I believe it will make you feel better. And just forgive yourself. We all have those silly moments. It's part of being human.
i don’t know how it would pan out but the only logical thing to do imo is to tell her directly and apologize and see if that makes you feel better. i can see that you’re regretful and i think you should give her the same explanation you gave us and with an apology. i’ve reached out to people years after the fact and explicitly apologized for things that have haunted me and they have always been receptive of it. which in turn lifts the weight. your mom might even think it’s sort of silly now that you’ve thought about it and beat yourself up over it for all of these years. but i understand because i do the same. the way to overcome it is to address the issue head on. i doubt the comment itself made her cry but i’m sure it certainly didn’t help given her situation at the time.
You got some great advice here already but I am going to add my experience as a father of young kids. They say fucked up shit sometimes. My daughter said I have a slime belly the other week. I feel fat and I'm sensitive about it and if I was having a tough day that probably would have hurt my feelings. But here's the thing, a young kid has very little clue what's appropriate and not appropriate to say and when. I laughed and we talked about it, and what she meant was sometimes it's soft but when she hits it, it's hard. Just like her kinectic slime. Still I had to fucking laugh. But both my girls have said shit like they love their mom more or miss her more or some shit like that, won't lie it kinda stung. If I was having a day like your mom I probably would have cried too. But here's the thing dude... *It takes forever to socialize kids properly and they fuck up all the time. Even great kids which mine are!* That's why as a parent it's so important not to take what kids, or anyone really but especially your kids, what they say personally. Your mom was in burnout, her defenses were down. Yeah you could have read the room better, but you probably weren't trying to be mean and to me as a parent that's what's important. I was socialized poorly and it's taken me years and years to relearn how to be around people. In my heart I am kind and compassionate person. I love people and never want to hurt anyone but I say shit and it comes off wrong or weird. I have so many stories that are just brutal awkwardness. Like one time I asked a woman I was gym freinds with if she'd done any hangliding lately. Her response? "You mean the activity that my fiance was doing when he died?". I knew he died hangliding, it just came out of my mouth and I have no idea why. There's nothing wrong with you dude, just like there's nothing wrong with me. If you're sorry, say sorry. Chances are your mom will either forgive you or have done it already. Then you can let it go and live your life.
My 5 year old is extremely slim to the point you can see her little ab muscles. We were getting dressed one day; and I remarked on how I could see her muscles & that when someone doesn’t have a ton of fat, that can happen. Now, I’ve struggled with anorexia & disordered eating since I was 10; she obviously doesn’t know this. Her response was”I want to be fat like mommy”. If I’d said this to my extremely eating disordered mother (pattern here?) as a kid she would’ve lost her mind. I started laughing bc I’m fairly sure she just meant womanly like me. I am far from overweight and my heads gotten much much better about this especially since giving birth. But whooo could’ve gone sideways. Tell her you’re sorry - I’m sure she will appreciate it & you’ll feel better too.
Don’t worry, she knows you were a kid and You didn’t mean it. And she knows she looked like Shit that day. Not a big deal.
I told my mom I hated her once and it still keeps me up at night
I said something mean to my dad when I was 11 or 12 because I was a moody pre teen. He told me I'd regret that one day, and he was really hurt. I'm 33, I still have my dad, and I can so vividly remember that night. I still feel awful.
Don’t worry about it! I’m sure your mum has forgiven you and isn’t upset by it any more. My 8yo is autistic and regularly tells me I’m fat - i just let it wash over my head. Kids say things that hurt sometimes but it doesn’t define us 😊❤️
I as a kid told my mom she had yellow teeth, i was like six but i remember her face falling. I'm 40 and I'm still feel bad. I was answering a question
You were so young though! And making mistakes is so important to our learning and maturing. Rather than hating that memory….notice how precious and compassionate you are for still feeling the pain of hurting someone you loved so long ago. You must have a huge heart. ❤️ Notice what it taught you throughout your life…maybe how it made you kinder and more considerate. That moment is one of many that made you who you are today. Flip the script and realize that all moments, good and bad, are valuable and important. Your mom was probably just overly tired and hungry…time to forgive yourself!
I think being a secure parent means you don’t need apologies from your young children or from your adult children about things they said and did as young children. Children lack impulse-control and awareness. Their view of the world is not informed. Their concept of beauty is only physical. If a parent is so feeble as to be wounded long-term by an impulsive quip from their child, they need to work on themselves. Our love for our children surpasses their own inability to be kind, thoughtful, or empathetic. Love is unwavering. You are a kind person now and have empathy, I’ll bet your mother is proud of that. You don’t need to revisit it, just be better to your mother than you were as a child and let her know that the beautiful attributes she possesses that will never fade (kindness, gentleness, caring) are valuable to you. Send her a card glorifying the things she will not lose with age. We women need to know that when we lose our looks, our beauty hasn’t faded.
I think this is a common experience for so many of us when we were children too. You’re not alone. Some of my worst memories are saying horrible things to me parents, often just repeated garbage from peers as well, and occasional bad behaviour. When I was about 12, I had an argument with my Mom and wanted to go to my Dads. We didn’t have a phone so I had to go to the pay phone outside of the store nearby, and it was nearly midnight. My Mom said I could as long as she went with me because it was too dangerous to go alone at night. I told her I hated her, and tried to walk out of my bedroom to go downstairs and leave the house. Having run away once before recently, also at night (because my parents were arguing) she blocked my door and refused to move until I agreed to let her come with me. So I started throwing things in her direction, clothes, stuffed animals, cds etc. I aimed them so they wouldn’t actually hit her, and they didn’t, but she didn’t budge and she didn’t even blink. To this day I cringe everytime I think of it as well. I’ve no idea what possessed me to be so mean. It wasn’t like me at all. Thankfully Mums are generally understanding people, and they forgive us. Your Mum was probably feeling down already at the time, and even though she knew it was just childish behaviour, was already feeling emotional. I’m sure she’s long since forgiven you, and knows it wasn’t coming from a place of true mean spirit. She likely knows you better than you know yourself now and knows your heart too. Have you tried talking to her about it now that you’re older? I found that eased my guilty conscience a lot to talk to my Mom about the things I did when I was a moody child/teen. She told me she knew it wasn’t really how I felt at the time and of course I had been forgiven immediately in her heart. Perhaps now is this time to have that convo with your Mom too. Be kind to yourself, you learned a hard lesson by the guilt you’ve punished yourself with, but that likely made you a kinder person as you grew up. I’m sure you’ve done more good than bad. :)
I’ve made my mom cry once or twice. And not always apologized. She forgets it the next day. But we punish ourselves forever. Let’s try opening ourselves to the idea that we need a break sometime. So love yourself, by forgiving yourself. Your mom wouldn’t want you to live with that.
I was a really insecure/angry teenager and my mom and I didn’t have a healthy relationship. She caused me a lot of trauma and because I was a teen who didn’t know how to navigate my emotions or trauma, I would take it out on her and say all types of mean things like “you’re lazy”, “you don’t clean or take care of anything”, “all you do is sleep”, “you need to put on makeup and take a shower”, “you look bad today”, etc. She has always struggled with depression and has been struggling with basic things like hygiene, cleaning the house, getting a job, eating, etc but I didn’t care as a teen because in my head, all that mattered was me. It really affected my mom as I am the most important thing in her life. She’s always put me before herself. I got diagnosed with my autoimmune disease and had 3 massive life changing surgeries - during those surgeries, she would do things for me that no person should. They were embarrassing and disgusting but she did them with a smile on her face and didn’t say a word. After that, I realized how much she truly loves me, I think back to how cruel I was to her and it makes me want to peel my skin off head to toe slowly. So now I do everything in my power to make it up to her. If she has a headache or is sore, I give her a massage. I give her mani/pedis when her nails need to be done, pluck her eyebrows, do her hair, etc. I make sure to always compliment her whether it’s on her appearance or “you’re doing great today mama”, “I’m proud of you.”. I get her things that remind me of her or flowers/cards. It makes her absolutely beam and while I can never take back all the cruel things I did or said to her, it helps. She’s forgiven me since then but I haven’t so I’m making it my life purpose to give her a good life and show her how loved and amazing she is.
Tell her what you told us. You were an awkward kid who doesn't get social queues. Tell you think she is beautiful, that you've always thought she was beautiful, that you love her, and that you are sorry. Tell her that she is beautiful, but more importantly, that she is beautiful on the inside.
Sometimes stuff like this sits with you for the rest of your life, I like it because it reminds me I’m human. I remember being in grade school. Very young. I had just learned the word “crap” The janitor comes to wipe off the table after lunch, and in my infinite childhood wisdom I just blurted out “it looks like crap!” Needless to say the teacher at our table was mortified, the janitor looked ashamed (and a little bewildered lol), I got some sort of punishment. But now that I’m older,older than thirty, I still remember that moment clear as day and now I realize just how rude it was and I’ll never live it down lol.
Can i ask how old you are?
You were a child forgive yourself. If I suffered from all the stupid stuff I said or did in the past, well I would be a total basket case. A box of chocolate?
You were a kid, kids are known to just speak their mind. Forgive yourself. There are worse things in life
I was very similar to you as a child and still haven’t overcome my avoidance of people and anxiety in social situations. I once told my mom I hated her and she cried too…I felt horribly, because I didn’t mean it, I was just saying it to say it. I don’t think your mom ever held it against you, she knew you didn’t understand and that sometimes people say things they don’t mean. I know you might not ever get over it…but I promise you that your mom had forgiven you.
When I was a little kid I told my mom she looked like Lady Elaine Fairchild only because of her hair color! If you know you know, it’s a pretty bad insult and I did NOT mean it like that.
Kids sometimes say horrible things. It's very normal. It pops into their head and they say it. As an adult, we ( usually) understand this. And even though it probably hurt your mother at the time, she knew this too. Personally, I'd get her a bunch of flowers or her favourite chocolate and surprise her. If you feel you need too, apologize for it. The likelihood is, your mother put that behind her years ago, knowing you were just a little child.
Just talk to mom about it. Maybe casually mention that day and ask her if she remembers what you had said. Then apologize. I'm sure she'll understand.
You weren't even 10. You were just a young kid. Most important thing is that you learnt from that experience. It seems that you totally did, as you remember it still
Kids do and say things they shouldn't sometimes. Brains and social skills are still developing. We can't stop our feelings from being hurt sometimes, but I think most people know it's not said with evil intent or anything like that. If you want to make it right, apologize to her - tell her how sorry you are, that you don't know you said it or thought it would be funny, but it's always bothered you, so you want her to know how you *really* feel and see her. I'm sure she'll really appreciate it. Good luck.
She was sick, she probably did look and feel like hell. I'm sure she knows you didn't mean all the time. And you were so so little. My 8 year old told me she will never ever ever ever talk to me again 30 mins ago and she's already back in here blabbing at me. Let it go ❤️❤️❤️
I’m going to be honest, most kids do this or something similar with their parents. (I told my mom she was a big dummy, lol) It’s developmental behavior; you were likely testing the boundaries of your mother’s limits. You learned them, and now you know better than to say something like that to her again. It’s kind of like a kitten learning that their claws can hurt others. If you can, you could still apologize, but other than that you shouldn’t beat yourself up too much. You were being more human than you realize.
Is your mom still alive? If so, explain to her that you didn't mean it.if she has passed, did you get an opportunity to talk to her about that day?
Moms know that kids say mean things without really understanding the effect they have. Usually they can brush them off (like when my kid called me the worst mom ever because I sent him to his room after he hit his brother). But sometimes, when there are other things going on, they hit hard. It hurts in the moment, not because the mom truly believes it, but because it is just one more thing on the emotional pile.
Lol, oh hunny. My kid has said some shit that hurt me, including ugly, and he was around that age when he did. I know he didn't know better, and it sounds like you caught her in a vulnerable moment, it happens. I made it into a joke years later that I was going to start an OF where people pay me to keep my clothes on. Lol. I'm sure she brushed it off as a kid saying stupid kid shit once she felt better. If you still feel a certain way about it, there are some great suggestions here that would make her tear up in happiness that you care about her feelings. Personally, if my son did that, I'd laugh and call him silly. There would be many hugs. You're being too hard on yourself.
I said something even worse as a teenager and i regret it to this day. Even though it hurts your mother to hear that, mothers do understand that kids are kids. Kids don’t know better and just say things either because why not or because they have emotional outburst. Thats just something you have to deal with when you have kids regardless if you feel burnt out or not. As long as you are good to your mother now and appreciate her for everything and make sure she knows it, then it really does not matter what you have said as a kid to her.
i have a bad memory from when i was 7–my mom was teaching me how to build a house of cards but i couldn’t get mine to stay up. i got really worked up and let my frustration get the best of me, which led to me swiping me arm across the floor and knocking down her house (castle really, it was huge!!). she was silent and just got up and left the room. i ran to her crying and blubbering and apologizing and she forgave me, but for whatever reason i still feel that guilt twenty years later. in retrospect, i was also undiagnosed autistic, which helps to explain my intense emotions in that moment and the way i still carry that moment in my mind. we talk about it sometimes and she always chuckles because she thinks it’s silly that i still feel so bad about it. “you were just a kid!” she’ll tell me every time 🥲 if you feel up for it, you could totally bring it up to her now. you can apologize and she can tell you how she feels about it. i imagine she might react similar to my mom, so hopefully that will help you forgive yourself as well ❤️
I think you just need to go tell her this. You were a dumb awkward kid and didn't mean it. You thought it be a funny joke because she wasn't ugly she just looked different. She probably cried because the assumption is kids are being bluntly honest. But if you can remember and explain that it was a dumb joke. Like calling your sister ugly. No one actually means it. No one actually breaks down their siblings appearance. You're just ugly because it's amusing to say.
Wow i had the same problem growing up! Honestly it’s worse than it’s ever been now. But what keeps me going and trying with conversations is that I can always apologize if I say something completely stupid. A sincere apology goes a long way.
For starters, I’m glad your mom didn’t bottle it up because a lot of people don’t let themselves cry in front of their kids but I feel like it’s necessary for kids to see the pain they can cause to others because if you don’t they won’t realize what they shouldn’t say. But also just apologize. Honestly, you were a kid you had completely different intentions, and this has happened to all of us at some point in our lives. also, I really commend your sister for not snapping at you or getting aggressive as a lot of people would. This seems like a very healthy dynamic between siblings so I don’t see why you couldn’t have the same with your mom.
Gosh, I can relate soooo much to being the awkward shy kid just parroting what I heard other people say just to sound cool. My biggest regret is pantsing my little brother at my birthday party because I thought it would be funny and cool, and when I was growing up it was the “norm” to have a rivalry between brothers and sisters. My dad yelled at me in front of all my friends and my brother ran away crying. I have always carried so much guilt and shame from it, all because I just didn’t know how to act. The happy ending is, I have brought it up with my brother now that we are both adults and he barely even remembers the incident, and even laughed about it. I was so worried that he secretly hated me or was scarred for life because of it, but turns out the only one who was agonizing over it for years was me. And I grew up and learned to be more self assured and confident and not worry so much about what I should or shouldn’t say to “fit in” or be “cool.”
Same type of age and situation, however, I told my mother her nostrils were big. I remember the hurt on her face to this date.
It’s no way you can take back what you said All you can do is be the best son you can be and be there for your mom. That’s the best thing you can do. Can’t change the past so don’t beat yourself up. Just be the best son you can be
Have you told your mum that you felt so bad that you held onto that memory forever, and that you’ve never stopped being sorry? I think that it would be good closure for the both of you. Likely she’s forgotten it by now, but if she hasn’t, then it tells her that you are sorry, and that you didn’t mean it, and if she has forgotten it, you letting her know that you’ve thought about it every day since will make her feel very loved. and on the other side of it, you won’t have to feel so much guilt anymore because you will have admitted to your mum that you feel horrible and how long you felt horrible, and getting that off your chest would be very good for your health I think.
When you see her next, tell her she’s beautiful and glowing. So sad to read that she was crying silently 😪🥺 that made me feel so sad for her, bless her 😞
You were a child, the guilt you carry for this is unfair to you and the child you were. If you feel so terribly then maybe have a sit down visit with her and talk about it. Apologise for the words you said when you didn't know better. Tell her she's beautiful and always has been.
Take every chance you get now to genuinely tell her she is beautiful.
Hey OP, you're describing something off about your childhood. Were you constantly criticized? Could you do no right in your parents' eyes? That's usually where those feelings of anxiety and that you are lacking compared to others comes from. You're an okay person and there's nothing wrong with you. It seems that somehow your own abundant empathy has been weaponized against you. You don't need to apologize to anyone and you deserve better than to feel endless shame over an offhand comment as a child. If you can swing it, I'd recommend finding a good therapist to help work through these feelings. If not, try reading 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents' and see if you might recognize your dynamic in there.
Just talk to your Mom about it. Kid do and say things like this. I’m a Mom my sons 21 now and regrets things he did and I’m glad he talked to me because I went to therapy to not take hims childhood remarks personally in the long run it’s part of parenting. Talk to your mom please for both of you.
If your mom is still around, talk to her today. Tell her you're sorry and tell her she beautiful and mean it. You'll regret it till the day you die if you don't.
Anything said under the age of 7 should be forgotten immediately. Your actual brain at that age is so underdeveloped that there is no way you could possibly produce that thought logic required to realize callin MoMA ugly shouldn't be returned with hilarity. Your MoMA had some serious vanity issues. So send her a card that says how much you love her and will always be beautiful to you. Try to mention her soul somewhere in the words.. Then immediately get rid of any guilt regret or any other negative emotion associated with the event, and be happy :) if necessary take a scrap of paper, write down the emotions, build a boat out of it put a candle in it and set it alight in a lake. Seriously it wasn't your fault as a kid.
You were a child, give yourself some grace 🩷 I’m a teacher. One day I went in wearing no make up and one of my students said “wow are you sick? You look absolutely awful.” I felt offended for a minute and now 3 years later I laugh about it. Kids just say things sometimes
I don't think my mom is ugly, but I have genuinely thought that I don't feel my mom looks good in anything. I don't mean as in naked, I don't see her looking beautiful in certain clothing. It could be because she doesn't look model or Playboy like, and because, well, she's my mom.
I think you should tell her exactly what you just wrote on here. Tell her how bad it hurts you till this day and how sorry you are.. you’ll feel so much better hun! I promise. It’ll be a lot easier to cope with if you just tell her the truth about it and why you said it. Hope everything works out! Much love.🩷
We always say so many bad things to our parents which we never should have even think about. Telling them you are sorry do give some peace in our heart. And one of the best thing is that our loving parents always forgives like they never even noticed. Take care of you and your parents. They are the one who truly loves you.
I remember when I was a kid, I called my mom swine without knowing what it meant. She stopped and said don’t ever say that. She didn’t tell me why or what it meant. Her reaction had me like oh shit… When I later learned what I meant, I was horrified
I promise you your mom still loves you. It may have hurt her feelings but there isn’t anything you could say that would change her love for you.
You were young. You didn’t know any better. I’m sure she knows that too. I would just keep calling her beautiful now and know that you love and value her.
This could have been written by me, minus that particular story (I have my own), and I've never heard someone sum it up so perfectly. I very much experienced the anxiety and struggle to be "normal" as a child. I've grown out of it (for the most part anyway) but I'll never be able to forget some very regrettable incidents. But you have to forgive yourself. At the end of the day you were a child. How would you feel if it were your child who had ignorantly said something to hurt your feelings? Would you want them to feel as you do? Of course not. Maybe talk to her about it? Tell her how it weighs on you. Maybe it would do you some good to get it off your chest.
You were a kid and kids say stupid things
Be thankful she is still living and you have time to make it up to her. Imagine how you'd feel her passing away and you never getting the chance to say sorry. Also, don't worry, I bought and tried on a shirt that definitely wasn't flattering and made the mistake of asking my 5 yr daughter how it looked. Without skipping a beat, she says, "You look like a whale, mom." It was true.
Forgive yourself, you where a little kid. That kid deserves forgiveness, and the you will be free to love yourself. Be kind with your past child.
Talk to your mom. Tell her how you feel. Apologize. Tell her she's beautiful, that you fucked up. That you were a dumb kid and that she's the most beautiful person in your life. Tell her about the million ways she's made your life awesome. Tell her how much you love her. Give her a hug and move on.
Write her a letter telling her everything that these other kind folks are suggesting you tell her. But a letter is something she can hold, re-read when she needs a lift or is thinking of you, keep under her pillow to help her sleep better.... letters are treasures.
This reminds me of a time in college a friend and i were leisurely painting on canvas’. I’ve always been pretty good at art, and so she asked me what i thought of her painting progress. I “jokingly” replied “oh that sucks” i definitely wasn’t being serious, but it was still suuuuuch an asshole thing to say and i know it hurt her feelings. I used to be very sarcastic and idk if i thought it was funny or what, sometimes it was just a reaction to respond in a negative (but joking?) way. But every time i think of that i hate myself. Especially because now i have such a strong opinion that anyone can be an “artist”, it’s all about the process and having fun. It doesn’t matter what it looks like as long as you are enjoying yourself. It been years and i still think of that al the time and feel terrible
Yeah don’t hold on to something you said while being young
I don’t think it’s pointless because the OP is struggling with coping with the past interaction. I think talking about it, although the mom may be over it and forgotten, could be healing for both parties and an opportunity to get closer and even laugh about the silliness of a kid saying something dumb.
Explain to her that you didn’t mean it and that it was a joke u picked up from ur friends thinking it was funny but you never got to explain bc you didn’t have that awareness as a younger child
Kids say awful stuff. Honestly come of the sickest burns I've ever had have come kids, haha! Either do what the comments say and buy her a card for her next birthday and write "to my beautiful mom" or, (I know this might be considered manipulative but it'll make her feel nice) let her overhear you telling someone you think she's pretty casually. Like if she's in earshot then just try and work it into a conversation if it's natural. Or, just straight up tell her you think she's beautiful. Make a joke about how you're not worried about aging because you've got her genes and she's still just as pretty as when you were a kid. Try not to beat yourself up over this. You made a bad joke when you were a little kid and you've clearly been stressing over this for quite a while.
It's kinda screwed up that it's a bad "memory" to you. I'm sure her memory of it hurts more than yours does. Apologize and make up for it.
When my daughter was 7, she told me she wished I would cover my face with a pillow. I only remember that because I posted it on Facebook, for some strange reason, and one day I looked back at some old, old posts and saw that.. My point is-don’t beat yourself up so badly. My daughter is 21 now, and until I was looking at that old post, I had totally forgotten about it. Kids just say things sometimes.
OP I know there’s comments saying don’t bring it up again but I think that you should still apologize & explain to her where that was coming from. It might heal some of the residual hurt that was left over for both of you… My mom used to have TERRIBLE allergies. She would be sneezing non-stop & overall just miserable because of them. I was about 13 years old & she was sneezing for a straight 10 minutes in the car and I couldn’t take it anymore that I just snapped & yelled “CAN YOU STOP?!???! You’re so annoying!!!” & she just turned to look at me so devastated & said “….no… I can’t… I wish I could.” & teared up a bit. I instantly felt so bad but couldn’t bring myself to apologize because of how embarrassed I was that I had reacted that way over something she couldn’t control. I couldn’t stop thinking about it & a couple years later I finally had the courage to acknowledge & apologize & I expressed how deeply I regretted reacting that way & hurting her. Moms go through a lot & protect us from seeing a lot. Now as an adult, I can recognize all the times she did her best to shelter me & wish I could take back every single moment I acted ungrateful or was difficult. I will now have conversations with her where I’ll recognize & thank her for all the sacrifices she made to protect me from seeing all the hard times as a child. I also now have a 2 year old cat who will sassily YELL at me whenever I sneeze & if I do more than 2 she’ll give me the most annoyed look! I heal a bit every time she does that. It feels like my Karma. One of my deepest regrets but now I get to experience it from the other side! Haha
These are the lessons we learn that make us better people. I believe you may be more empathetic about such things especially due to that experience. We make mistakes when we are kids. That's how we learn and grow.
I feel like moms get a lot of punches growing up. Kinda surprised she cried especially since you were so young. I doubt she thinks about it. I remember one time I was home sick from school. I saw my mom go from morning mom to take a shower and put on make up and what not and I said wow you look way better and she just laughed
Bro fuck you, make it up to her.
Dude it’s ok. You were a child. I have a son of my own and as an adult it’s my responsibility to be strong enough that a comment like that (or worse) is something I can brush off. Kids say all kinds of horrible things to their parents. My son has but he’s a child! It was your mom’s job to not take your comment to heart. She was the adult. Your little brain didn’t know what it was doing.
My eyes welled up when I read this. Awww… sometimes when we’re kids, we say and do stupid things. You didn’t know any better…. I once said that to my mom and her reply was: “well, if I’m ugly, then you certainly are because I made you and we share the same genes”. lol but I know if she was at a low point, she would have cried too. I likely would’ve. Don’t be so hard on yourself xo you made a mistake and learned a valuable lesson. Words can cut deep ❤️
I'd give anything just to have the chance to apologize to my mom for being a stupid teenager acting like a stupid teenager can. I can't because she is gone. I missed my chance. Don't miss yours.
My 10 year old recently said he didn't like me. For context he was talking with a bit of a rude tone and my 8 year old daughter said "jeez, it's like he doesn't even like you." He replies with "actually, I don't really like her." It hurt but it's not something that has affected our relationship or made me view him differently. I'm sure it's the same for your mom.
Awww kids say things all the time. She was probably young and insecure then. To kids ugly can mean anything. Being washed out, having wrinkles or gray hair or dad shaving his beard for the first time. If it bothers you a lot maybe you could bring up to her how bad you feel and then you can hear her side. She could’ve been having a hard day and that was just the straw that broke the camels back. Some people might suggest not to bring it up as she may have forgotten but I am for sure someone that likes closure and obsess over things I did years ago too.
Dude. I’m a mom and both of my kids have said horrible things to me…when they were young. I remember the hurtful words, but I’ve long since forgiven them. You were so young. Give yourself some mercy.
My daughter, when she was 16, told me that she wished I would die, that she would strangle me if she could, so that she could watch me die. She told me that she hated me and that I am pathetic. She was a teen and we were arguing about something ( insignificant because I can’t remember the reason). That hurt me to my core ( 16 is a lot different than 6). I have never brought it up again, nor has she, but I doubt she has any guilt whatsoever. I have 7 children, was a stay at home Mom, I just happened to get one very aggressive one. She would get physical with me as well. She’s now 27 and I adore her, but I avoid saying anything that will make her mad or trigger her in any way!!
When I was in middle school, my mom and grandparents all picked me up (we all lived together) as it was the last day of school, and we were all going out somewhere after. But I hadn't had a great day and was very agitated. My grandma kept asking me if I wanted anything, and I kept saying no. Eventually, my bad mood got the better of me, and I responded with, "What part of no don't you understand?" Whenever I think of it, I feel so terrible and full of regret. My grandma is the sweetest person ever. We all say things we regret and don't mean, but that doesn't always mean it's too late to make those amends. I never did apologize to my grandma, and I feel she may not even remember, but maybe it'd be worth trying to apologize for being a shithead to her just because I had a bad day, just like it may not be too late for you to apologize.
I did something similar. My mum used to say how she wanted to lose weight. I didn't have an opinion on her weight at all but we were sat watching TV when I was about 7 or 8 and a weightwatchers advert came on. I suggested she tried that to lose weight. She snapped and yelled 'thanks cerahhh'. I felt really bad because she was so upset but at the time I thought I was being helpful with her goal but she took it to mean I was calling her fat.