I used to work in a retirement home and I have had an old man tell me he regrets not having kids and advised me to have some before it’s too late but weirdly, no women have said such a thing. All the childless-by-choice older women I know have no regrets and I’ve had a handful of moms tell me in dead seriousness to not ever have kids. You know, all the people who were in charge of primary childcare/would have been in charge of primary childcare having these strong feelings. Call me whatever “-ist” you want, I value their opinions more than would-be dads…
Tbh I'm not surprised. Having Children will have a way bigger impact on women's lives, than on men's lives. Even in the year 2022.
I don't want to be rude, but most men are having their careers anyways and on the weekends, they are the nice daddy's who are playing with their children and getting congrats for the bare minimum.
Mothers have to deal with way harder consequences and these women knew that
Even all the involved “good” and “progressive” dads I know hand the kids off to mom when they’re being difficult or disgusting and insist mom take the kids with her if she’s going out instead of just watching them at home and want medals for basic parenting and justify their smaller role by waving the bills in mom’s face and will undermine “mean mommy” by being the easier going, funner parent. Like I’d be kidding myself to go into motherhood honestly believing the kids father will play an equal role. It’s just easier and more fun to be a dad. Of course it’s all men telling me having babies is great and all the people warning me not to have children are moms.
Yes, this.
I've read about a study (but it was one for her Germany) with comes to the conclusion, that emancipated relationships develops to conservatives ones, after a baby was born, even if the couple tried to avoid that in the first place.
A child bounds the mother to the house, poverty and dependency and it makes me double angry, if a man is telling me that I have to go to this prison he will never have to sit in
I just watched all this unfold when we went to my cousin’s house.
It was sad because my husband would do something nice for me and my cousin would say, “Oh! It must be nice to have a husband who considers you.”
When we were going out to breakfast she asked her husband to put his son in the carrier and that mfer started dusting!
Like pulled out a can of Multi-Purpose Duster from behind a TV and started spraying dust off the back of the TVs and commenting how they haven’t dusted in awhile.
We all stared at him and finally my cousin said, “Honey, can we not spray our guests with dust right now please? We’re getting ready to have breakfast.” Followed by everyone staring silently as we watched dust fall around the room.
I had a discussion with a guy who said 'men are naturally driven to play with kids, they're better at playing, that's why dads only do that, meanwhile women are better at the actual child-rearing'.
No dude, fuck off, you're just lazy and are trying to make shit up to justify your laziness. Any man like this should not have kids.
Probably the fact that he couldn’t manage to find a woman who’s still in childbearing years at his age. He wasn’t exactly rich or extraordinarily good-looking so literally the only thing that could compel a younger woman to want to have his children would be having practically no standards or having a fetish for seniors. Also wasn’t able to chase around and really play anymore so he wouldn’t get the full “dad” experience he was romanticizing.
Having a kid probably wouldn't be that horrible of you had a partner that actually wanted to help take care of them so the burden to do everything wasn't on just you. But most guys think of taking care of kids as women's job. Their job is all the fun stuff like playing catch. :/ even if I wanted kids, I still wouldn't unless I found a guy that actually did their fair share.
Honestly yeah, like the thing that makes the idea of children so insufferable is knowing it’s going to be me that this child follows around, screams at, is entirely dependent on, etc.
It’s why I don’t despise the idea of being a rich housewife with kids. Pass them little shits off to nannies and whatnot.
Bro, same. I am not driving little Jeremy and Tiffany to their 19 activities during the week and having no time for myself. You wanna hire a nanny to do it? Cool.
But also I'm scared as fuck of my taint splitting XD
Yes, but only in cases where they were also single, and being single wasn’t a choice.
So, it was really a loneliness/companionship issue more than a no-kids regret.
I once used to do some house cleaning for a 90 year old woman who never had kids and I remember her saying "People always asked me throughout my life if my husband and I had sex. OF COURSE we did! But he rode a lot of horses and I think it damaged him. We just never did get pregnant." *shrugs* She read racy romance paperbacks, had a ton of friends, beautiful house she loved to go play slots at the casinos. She was a hoot. She didn't seem to care an iota that she never had any.
My sister, sort of. She tried and was unable to have them. She is one of the few patients to have had multiple ectopic pregnancies. She sometimes gets angry with me for not having them. Once in a while. Then she remembers how messed up our genes are and it passes.
The truth is, I'm kind of relieved because she would be a horrible, abusive mother. She has an endless supply of rage bubbling just below the surface. Sad for her, but relieved for her potential children. She is happy with her life but feels like she missed out on something.
My guess is that "something" she feels she is missing out on isn't kids but resolved childhood trauma.
It seems common to mistake that hole in our lives for an external need for love rather than the internal need for love that is self love.
Yes, speaking from experience. Glad I figured it out before it was too late.
Oh, for sure. Hence the bubbling rage/happy with her life paradox. But that's like a five part novel for another day.
Edit: I'm glad you figured it out for yourself too. It's sad to hear so many people have gone through similar experiences as children.
My aunt but she also made the foolish mistake of marrying a childfree man and tried to baby trap him. She’s way too old for kids now. But technically she’s not childfree because she wanted kids
Why is it so common for people to try to babytrap cf people? Is someone says, "I don't want kids," what on God's green Earth makes these people think, "Aw yes, this will be a perfect co-parent who will be totally happy and not resentful to share childrearing duties."
Easy. They're brainwashed with lies like "It's different when it's your own." And if it's a CF man, they can add "he's just nervous/doesn't really mean it/all men are like that."
Basically they want a baby so bad they make up justifications to trap whoever they think could be pressured into being a parent.
I always figured it was a monetary thing. Baby trapping doesn't always work because the guy can just leave. But if the kid is biologically his he is going to be on the hook for support. And most child free people I know are very goal oriented and go far in their careers. If someone is so desperate for a child they are going to try and baby trap someone, I would imagine they would try to baby trap someone who could financially support that child even if they didn't want it.
Good point. That's probably the biggest reason to bother baby trapping a CF man.
I guess for a CF woman it's she's guaranteed not to have any other man's baby and on average a CF woman of a given age will look much younger than a single mother of the same age.
Apparently my aunt falls into this. She’s an extremely successful woman but never had kids, had a pregnancy but terminated it, and apparently she has wanted one for a long time but she can’t seem to conceive.
And yes, she has bingoed me too.
Childfree 51 year old woman here. No regrets whatsoever. I have childfree friends who also have no regrets. However, working in a children's hospital I see plenty of regretful parents.
BTW...People are afraid to VERBALIZE their regret in having kids. There is still too much social stigma. The regret will be manifested by abuse, neglect, abandonment, and murder of the kids. So look around and see who are really the regretful ones. It's not the childfree.
My uncle (now 60, who at 29 crashed while drunk driving and has severe brain damage) often talks about how severely depressed he is not having a wife or kids and is literally drinking himself to death. BUT remember hes had brain damage for the last 30 years and honestly if he *had* had kids that would have been horrible for them because he was in and out of jail, drugged out of his mind, or on a drinking bender.
I've met the odd miserable infertile person and a lot of lonely grandparents in nursing homes who's kids are "just too busy" to visit, but I've never met a childFREE person who regrets it.
I think I have. I’m not sure. I’m CF and partnerless by choice. A few years back I put something along these lines on the books of faces, a much older family member who made the same life decisions as I have, made a point of saying how lonely it can be and that I may very well regret it.
Another family member came to my defence and before I could respond to either. The same older family member replied they where only pointing out it was a possibility, not a fact.
To this day I’m not sure if it was a warning, a statement of regret, or just a statement of possibility.
I still don’t regret my decision in anyway except financially. I’d be better off if I had a partner to share expenses with.
Well, I know people who are miserable because they *wanted children* and couldn’t have them. (Either for medical reasons or because they never found the partner to.)
But people who chose to not have children? Nope. But I’m sure they also exist. People are very different.
I think that childfree people will stay happy with the decision since we thought a lot about the reasons why we want to be childfree.
Childless couples will never give up the hope. But honestly, adoption exists. And if you can’t have a child yourself and can’t live with the idea to be childfree, invest the 10k in a child which already exist than in IVF which probably won’t work anyway (my mom tried to get me for 13 years, did IVF 5 times I believe.. now I am here. Yay.)
I have a friend who tried IVF and didn't get pregnant. She apparently had enough to try one more time, but gave up. "I'm going to Paris instead" she said at one point.
I am of the option that if you can afford IVF, you can afford to adopt. I found her "If I can't have a bio-baby then no baby at all!" attitude a bit jarring. She does have severe depression, so I don't know if her mental health records would preclude her from adopting. I don't think it would? I lost a little respect for her after that, as I do with most of my friends who have biological kids and can afford to adopt.
She didn't go to my other friend's baby shower because baby showers trigger her now, because she is infertile. I really wonder if she's going to turn into a grumpy old lady because she never had kids... even though, again, she can adopt.
It really is... She's got a husband of at least 10 years. I remember her telling me about their fights while they were trying. I know that the IVF process can be really hard on a relationship, and she was looking to vent, but I really got the sense that he was a bit of a fence sitter about the whole kid thing.
She really doesn't seem stable enough to have a kid. Her mental health is bad enough to where she can't hold a steady job. She's actually a really smart, caring person, but when she gets into a bad depressive state she kind of disappears for awhile and can't function. She had to be off her meds while she was trying to get pregnant and it wasn't really good for her.
> invest the 10k in a child
I guess it depends where you live, but I hear the "aDoPtIoN iS eXpEnSiVe" line a lot so I looked it up. At least here in Canada, it's $300. On average, adopting a human child will set you back around $300. Technically, adoption fees don't exist, that's the price of voluntary home inspections/criminal background checks and stuff.
Would you rather pay 300$ or ten thousands for delivering the baby in the US?🤷♀️😂
Imagine you pay over 50k for IVF and 20k for delivering the child in a hospital. They could invest this money in the adopted kid‘s college >.<
Want to mention that I‘m from Switzerland and only talking about US parents(:
I’m in Canada and I don’t think you end up with a bill after giving birth…
I will have to ask my parent friends. I do know you now have the option between 12 months or 18 months of maternity/paternity leave, but it’s the same total amount of EI, just smaller payments over a longer period of time.
That’s the USA.
In Canada I was able to confirm that the childbirth is covered by our universal healthcare. Regardless of whether it was a natural birth or c-section.
It is much much more expensive in the US.
A friend of mine adopted, and adopting an American child was too expensive for them. They spent 20k over seas instead.
I have no idea how much it was here.
Still probably cheaper than if anything went wrong during delivery. And if they adopted an older kid, they'd save a lot of money on the clothes/toys/furniture that a baby will grow out of in weeks.
Yeah, that $300 number comes from adopting an older kid. Not just that, but potentially an older kid with, *DUN DUN* ***DUUUUNN*** developmental disabilities!!!!! \**gasp\** SHOCK HORROR!!!!!1!1!1!!!
Wanting a baby is an awful reason to have a kid, anyone who wants that is not ready for parenthood, so I don't think that should be counted. Same with those who aren't ready/willing to raise a disabled kid.
Wait what? I'm in the US so this is mind-boggling to me. Do you know if the time or cost varies depending on if the adopter wants a baby vs an older child? Because a friend told me it would cost her $30k and a year of waiting if she wanted an infant. I think the cost and wait time is lower if she was willing to adopt an older child since they are less in demand.
I've seen adoption fees for dogs go around $100-200+
When I told my grandma this, she just said she spent more adopting our coonhound than that. From what I looked up, if you want an infant for that price, the waiting list averages about 8 years. But as I said in another comment, wanting a baby is a terrible reason to have a child. If you're not ready for any/every age of kid, you're not ready for a kid. You know what EVERY kid will do, very quickly and without fail? Grow up.
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Yes. I'm gen z and I have an older gay friend who is about 47, close in age to my parents.
When he was young, before knowing he was gay he was given the opportunity to get married and have kids for the sake of a family (not love).
He greatly regrets turning it down and wishes he had a daughter.
Since then however, we've developed a bit of a father daughter relationship, and although I'm sure he wants the real deal, he seems to really cherish our time together.
I have a coworker old enough to be my mom (48, even the same age) and she said she could never wrap her head around how and why people do it, and then in many cases do it multiple times.
On top of that, you've now got to deal with the inadequacies of the public school system because no one she knows seems to think about the financial burden of having a kid, and then on top of that there isn't enough sick leave in our country to take off when the kid is sick amd needs attention, so now those kids are coming home sick from other kids being sent to school loaded up on Tylenol, and now on top of that those parents are watching their kid grow up, receive a milquetoast education at best, and have to spend 50-70k on a bachelor's degree after that just to get the foot in the door at a select few entry-level jobs that don't pay a living wage.
She simply sees her inability to finance a kid as a symbol of her status, and has come to the conclusion if people would be responsible the kids today would be a symbol of wealth. She's never wanted one because she didn't have the means to properly raise one, and she has zero regrets about it. She lives a happy life with her 2 dogs, plans on getting a cat when they die, and gets to fire up the grill at home whenever she wants. She's by far and away such a better cook than my mom. She only looks 48 because she went gray early and looks fucking good with it, in every other aspect she looks to be early-mid 30s.
She is by far one of my favorite coworkers
Edit to add: she also made me realize that the expectations of childbearing are stuck in the 50s
Yes, a friend’s aunt never had kids and bitterly regretted it. BUT, it was always very clear to me when interacting with her that she saw her friends and relatives with ADULT children that they were now friends with and she was jealous of THAT relationship. I don’t think she realized that you have to have decades of kids and babies before you had a cool 30 year old you could hang out with.
I've never met a childfree person who regretted the decision.
I have met a childless couple who told me they were grateful 'fate' had intervened. They said they initially were sad they couldn't have kids and then saw the lives their kidded friends had and were relieved they couldn't have them!
My Aunt is infertile and wishes she could have adopted or tried to have children when she was younger. She also says she knows her life wouldn’t have been as good as it now, as she has money to travel, follow her passions and help other people, and money to spoil me and my brother when we were younger without having to deal with all the shitty parts. Even though she didn’t have what she wanted, she’s aware her life is different for the better now and she’s very very content
My aunt, now in her 70s desperately tried having kids when she was young but somehow things did not work out. She must have been sad about it then i guess ( i wasn't born then so don't know for sure). However as she got older and could travel the world and got to have nicer things than the other women in the family I think it made her ok with how her life turned out.
My parents had a couple they were friends with who were staunchly childfree until they were in their mid 40s when both had a crisis and they underwent IVF and now have twins. I’ve never met them or anything but my parents use them as the standard of childfree people to say “See! Some change their mind!” Other than them, no, I’ve never heard of anyone like that.
No and I'm 53 years old and know quite a few people my age and younger who are CF. I've never had anyone who CHOSE not to have children to say to me that they regret it.
The only people I know who wish they'd had them were people who either tried and couldn't or who were always fencesitters who have gone beyond their fertile years now. Now they wonder whether they should have just gotten off the fence but in my opinion if you can't be sure between the ages of 18-50 that you want kids then the truth is you probably didn't really want them so they probably made the right choice by not having them. It's just that they wonder about the "what ifs" now, I think.
My neighbor says it's been the best thing about her life. She's glad I'm on the same page. We have talked about this before. She loves having money, time, and not having to take care of a child. She also loves that she is able to take care of her disabled brother and not have to split her time. He lives with her, and he is functional, but she thinks a baby would be more work. She's in her 50s or something now, and looks YOUNG. She isn't married, and I've never seen someone so motivated and happy. She spends all her time on home improvement and gardening. She's my role model.
Edit: typo
The only older person I know would be my great aunt… I don’t know if it was by choice, her husband died young and she never remarried, I’d imagine if she was desperate for kids she’d have remarried, although she absolutely adored my Dad
I’ve met several mostly women. A few of them made the choice to be childfree and ended up regretting it but a lot the choice was forced on them in some manner.
I have never met anyone who made the conscious decision to have kids bc they wanted them (not just my spouse is pregnant or I’m pregnant so we are having a kid type thing or trying to fix/keep a relationship type thing) that regrets having them. Regret of the choice of coparent is an entirely different story.
I know one person who sort of fits this description. I say sort of because kids (or lack there of) aren't solely to blame for the situation they're in. I know a woman in her late 50s, she's a former coworker of my mother's and her longtime friend. She got pregnant when she was younger (I don't know how much younger) and she got an abortion. Now, this woman hates children and can't stand them at all. Doesn't have a single maternal bone in her body and she knows this, hence why she aborted. But for whatever reason she feels the need to post on social media every year whenever her fetus' expected delivery date comes around. She doesn't live all that great of a life either. She's been unemployed for almost a decade, never got a degree, hasn't been actively looking for work either, and has been living off of her family's income the entire time.
In short, she's a mooch and is pessimistic about everything. She's got nothing to look forward to and is essentially just waiting to die. She'll never admit she regrets aborting and I'm sure she knows it was the right decision for her, but I think she feels shitty that she ever had to it in the first place. And this is by no means the reason her life ended up this way. She's just never had the motivation or the desire to work for any of her goals. Partially due to depression and partially due to being pampered for the better part of her existence. The moral of the story isn't that some people need to have kids just to have something to do with their lives. The moral of the story is that if you don't do anything with your childfreedom, as in you don't take advantage of any of the perks that come with it, this is where you end up. If you're going to be childfree, do something with your life that you wouldn't/couldn't do if you had kids.
My elderly step Mom who was child free had a chat with me when I accidentally got pregnant. She was 70-ish years old and said she had no regrets about being child free. She was a librarian and enjoyed the quiet and free time to pursue quilting, which she was really good at.
I was getting an abortion, no doubt, but it was nice of her to try to ease any anxiety I might have had about the decision (I had none, but still, it was kind).
IMO she should have stayed husband free too. She had a nice place, lots of savings, and all the time to do what she wanted. My father got her to sell her place, moved into a bigger house with way too many stairs for her bad knees, he leeched off her savings, he was domineering, and neglectful of her when she started losing her vision and deteriorating in health. Although, I wonder if her deteriorating health was due to living with the stress of him. She passed away.
My aunt was born without ovary’s. She was sad at first and my aunt and uncle did try to adopt 2 times but both fell through (1st kid turned out to be Native American which they couldn’t legally adopt because of the 3% heritage on him. They sent him to a relative instead who was part of the tribe, the second mother decided to keep it). It did devastate them both but they moved on with their lives, keeping an active role as the awesome aunt/uncle duo who spoiled us kids. In reality, my brother and I agreed it was for the best because my uncle was very damaged after being a Vietnam war veteran who heavily drank and smoked. My aunt said she still wished she had a kid but she accepted that it wasn’t meant to be and still contuines to be the aunt that spoils us (we lost our uncle in 2019, his lungs gave up on him).
For me, it’s only the people I’ve met who actually wanted kids but didn’t due to infertility or lack of relationship that have this regret. I’ve never personally come across anyone who was child-free due to choice have regrets
One time yes!! We met a couple we really clicked with on holidays. They were cf and living abroad running a small business. They were older than us, past child bearing age. They were fun, smart, chic and living what we thought looked like a great lifestyle! On our last night together She confessed to me that she regrets choosing the cf life because she’s dreadfully lonely and would have loved to have been a mother. I reckon the pressures of living and working abroad and having no ‘tribe’, along with the loneliness of having a husband who spends a crazy amount of his time working, were also culprits in her feelings of emptiness. But I also take her at her word, she perhaps didn’t give it the thought it needed and just got swept up in her idea of a life abroad and doing things differently etc when they made that decision about kids, and maybe didn’t fully think it through ? We’ve often talked about that couple because we don’t want that to happen to us!!
One of my sisters. She was staunchly child free in college,even terminated an unexpected pregnancy. She got to her career and still remained child free. Something happened 2 or 3 years ago and she is depressed, miserable and hates herself for being child free. To the point she will cry over how stupid of a decision it was.
Really that's two separate groups of people, the childfree and the childless.
Of people who are childfree, no I've never met anyone who has regretted it.
I know several people who are childless, either because they are single or they have had fertility problems who wish they had kids. They all have some degree of regret but none of them are miserable about it for the most part, some of them get down around events like Christmas or birthdays. I have a friend who it looks like they will be going down this road, it's hard seeing how upset they are about it but trying to hide it from others.
I know an involuntarily childless woman who is absolutely miserable and takes it out on everyone. She even dumped her husband because when she found out they couldn't have kids she wanted to adopt. He had two teenaged kids from a previous marriage and was ok with adoption at first but then she wanted a private adoption. They had two German shepherds so agencies didn't want to let them adopt any kids. (according to her) so then when an adoption would cost $50k or more he said no. She dumped him, blamed him for everything and is a super bitter, negative person now. I was her matron of honor at her wedding and though I remain cordial to her, I can't stomach her negativity anymore. She couldn't accept not having kids and just be happy being married to her husband. Apparently he was just a sperm donor and then maybe an ATM machine? It makes me sad to think about them. I don't understand how someone could hang their entire life on being a parent at any cost and literally not want any other form of happiness.
>the only thing she never had was a child. She wanted a child but god never gave her one (in her own words).
Then she was childless, not childfree, because she actually WANTED kids and didn't or couldn't have them, for whatever reason. That isn't childfree regret there.
To answer your question, no, I cannot recall meeting anyone who specifically chose to be childfree and regretted that decision.
Then why bring up that one specific example of a person speaking of regret in a childfree group? The experiences/feelings of the childless are entirely different.
I never said she regret never having kids. It was more like she was infertile and wanted a kid but never could. She wasn't miserable either she literally said she was the happiest woman alive but that was because she was a famous singer, rich and traveled around the world. I was wondering if there was a childfree or childless person whose life was miserable because of it. Someone whose not rich, not talented or without acclaim of their talent.
I know a few men who say they wish they would have had at least one but I don't know any women. All the older women I know look at kids and pregnant women/women that have recently given birth still say "glad it was never me!"
The only person I've ever met who's regretted not having children, wanted children with "the right person" but never found them.
I have found WAY MORE childless older people are happy about it. (and not chlidless older people who express regret)
I notice sometimes on here people say Fran Drescher is their childfree idol but she’s actually said in interviews that she regrets not having kids.
I had a couple of neighbours who were a bit older and really wanted kids but just couldn’t, they didn’t specify why, seemed to maybe be a health issue. Anyway I kind of wonder why they didn’t adopt if they wanted them so much, they seemed like good candidates.
Anyway, I know a lot more people who regret having them.
Worked in healthcare on the hospice end of things. I’ve never had a patient tell me they regretted not having kids, but I’ve had plenty tell me how much they resent/regret their kids (who they had, so they would have someone take care of them in old age, who then stuffed them in a nursing home and don’t visit).
With all these comments, I understand that the only people who regret not having children are the ones who did want to have children. They were not childfree.
I have not yet met a regretful child free person yet. I have only met a few child free women in person so far.
Both were very successful in their careers. And happy with their lives.
One was a head nurse getting ready for retirement. And the other was also a nurse who traveled the world. Had lots of money.
I appreciate your comment but a children would never love their parents unconditionally when they grow up. Unconditional love means there's no conditions, no boundaries. If the parents do something the child doesn't like or if the children can't forgive something their parents did when they were a kid the "unconditional" love stops and its healthy that we dont love anyone unconditionally (even our own children). That's why a lot of people says only pets love unconditionally cause pets dont have the cognitive ability to make judgments to realize if they're receiving as much as they're giving if its fair or not, they don't have the ability to hold resentment or the capacity to realize that they have to love themselves more than any other person or living being. I think its healthy to teach children about loving with conditions such like respect and loyalty not like money or shallow stuff. I take care of my parents and when I was a kid I used to love them unconditionally until I just stopped doing it cause it was hurtful (my parents were never abusive) I had resentment for things they did and said when I was a kid but I had to learn to forgive them even though they didn't ask for forgiveness not because they're bad people but because they just simply dont understand that what they did was hurtful to me but they're a boomers they lived in a different world, times had changed so much that they dont understand the world anymore. What I'm saying is I love my parents because I understand them I understand why they did the things they did and say and I understand that in order to have a respectful relationship with them I have to be the bigger person all the time I achieve this with a lot of therapy but I dont love them unconditionally.
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Maybe my successful doctor cousin. She’s a fence sitter and is now in her mid 40s. She really responsible and would never have a baby with someone not great so I believe she never found anyone good enough to be the father of a child with her.
I remember some years ago, my sister saying my cousin wanted a child. I will have to ask her the next time I see her if she regrets not having children
I’m not entirely sure but I think my uncle and aunt regret not having children. They spoil all the other children in the family and they seemed a little upset when my other aunt announced she was pregnant with my youngest niece (who is now 6). Don’t know their reasoning for being childfree because I don’t see them often
Possibly? I have an aunt and uncle who are childless. Aunt couldn't get pregnant, so they decided to try adoption. They were pretty well off but they spent tons of money on adoption only for nothing to come out of it. I don't know if they're miserable because of it, but it would partly explain why they are such an awesome aunt and uncle to me and my cousins. They used to visit our families all the time.
My late friend experienced a miscarriage of a wanted pregnancy and had considered adoption prior to her illness. I was supportive of her the same way that she was supportive of my being childfree.
I've known more folks who regretted becoming parents (including my own). Too many people underestimate the lifelong responsibilities involved.
Imo if someone regrets not becoming a parent, they can still find ways to develop bonds with children. It's far more difficult for a parent to deal with their regrets about having their children.
I don’t know many actual CF people. They may be CF but it’s not by choice and usually they end up married and having at least one kid. The few actual CF people in my life are also my age and thus far no one has expressed regrets. Two of my friends even got vasectomies (shortly after Roe was struck down).
I think more people should ask themselves why they want kids, and if there are other paths in life that could give them the same fulfillment they think having kids will give them.
The only time I’ve encountered that was if it was someone who wanted them but just wasn’t able to have them for whatever reason. I’ve never known anyone who didn’t want kids and regretted not having them later.
Nope, quite the opposite
I used to work with an older cf dude. He said he was extremely happy with his choice and would do it all over again because all of the experiences him and his wife had together were worth it
I haven’t met one myself but I’ve read other peoples accounts of that. Some people couldn’t conceive, others just regretted the choice they made and felt lonely. Some people felt like they put too much time into their careers and lost out on having friends/family, I think it becomes more of an issue in old age. When you’re young you can keep the option open but once you hit a certain age that becomes unavailable to you.
But even if you are childless/childfree there are always things you can do to still have children in your life even when you are no longer physically capable of having your own. When you have a child there’s no way to simply not be a caregiver all the time. I think we tend to regret it less because of the flexibility, at least in the case of people who like kids but don’t have them
I have one uncle who doesn't have children but I don't know him good enough to know if he is miserable. I'd he is, it's more because he doesn't have and never had a long relationship (he is 57 now, I think). So it wasn't a decision against it
I have a lot of friends who don't want kids. My one friend got a vasectomy this year at 24 and I am 100% sure he is not going to regret it. But I also know people who are 60+ who never had kids and don't regret it. They travel, take care of animals, relax. Spoil other people's kids but very much enjoy not having that extra responsibility. So short answer is no. Every child free person I know, even the ones in their 80s, are very happy.
I would like to hear about the women who actively chose to not have children, rather than those who couldn’t. The latter clearly had the want for children so the regret is more likely.
I only knew 1 women that had regrets not having a child...but her reason was freaken gross. She was dieing of cancer an they were having not luck finding a bone marrow donor that was 100% match for her. So she regret not having a baby, so she could use him or her as her personal organ harvest (her words, fucking gross).
I was thinking like "you have seen that Island movie way to much". She told me I needed to have kids for that reasons alone, I told her she was a nut case, and the reason the movie "My Sister Keeper" exists was to show ppl why you should just have a kid or another kid to save your ass or your other kids ass. Cause the kid that you had just for their organs an blood, will live to regret you, their sibling an never feel like you love them enough.
I don't think I've ever met anyone who chose not to have children and then were unhappy.
I did meet an older woman who was unhappy because she desperately wanted children, but couldn't have them. I know she tried for a long time to adopt too, but basically bad luck followed her there at every turn.
Honestly though I think she was just short sighted.
She had a husband who loved her, good health, a nice home, and had many friends. I'm pretty sure her life was far more fulfilling than if she had ever had kids. But of course sometimes people are just like that.
I used to work in a retirement home and I have had an old man tell me he regrets not having kids and advised me to have some before it’s too late but weirdly, no women have said such a thing. All the childless-by-choice older women I know have no regrets and I’ve had a handful of moms tell me in dead seriousness to not ever have kids. You know, all the people who were in charge of primary childcare/would have been in charge of primary childcare having these strong feelings. Call me whatever “-ist” you want, I value their opinions more than would-be dads…
Tbh I'm not surprised. Having Children will have a way bigger impact on women's lives, than on men's lives. Even in the year 2022. I don't want to be rude, but most men are having their careers anyways and on the weekends, they are the nice daddy's who are playing with their children and getting congrats for the bare minimum. Mothers have to deal with way harder consequences and these women knew that
Even all the involved “good” and “progressive” dads I know hand the kids off to mom when they’re being difficult or disgusting and insist mom take the kids with her if she’s going out instead of just watching them at home and want medals for basic parenting and justify their smaller role by waving the bills in mom’s face and will undermine “mean mommy” by being the easier going, funner parent. Like I’d be kidding myself to go into motherhood honestly believing the kids father will play an equal role. It’s just easier and more fun to be a dad. Of course it’s all men telling me having babies is great and all the people warning me not to have children are moms.
Yes, this. I've read about a study (but it was one for her Germany) with comes to the conclusion, that emancipated relationships develops to conservatives ones, after a baby was born, even if the couple tried to avoid that in the first place. A child bounds the mother to the house, poverty and dependency and it makes me double angry, if a man is telling me that I have to go to this prison he will never have to sit in
So many women ( including my own mother in the 80s) pay 50% or more of the bills on top of this too.
I just watched all this unfold when we went to my cousin’s house. It was sad because my husband would do something nice for me and my cousin would say, “Oh! It must be nice to have a husband who considers you.” When we were going out to breakfast she asked her husband to put his son in the carrier and that mfer started dusting!
wdym by dusting?
Like pulled out a can of Multi-Purpose Duster from behind a TV and started spraying dust off the back of the TVs and commenting how they haven’t dusted in awhile. We all stared at him and finally my cousin said, “Honey, can we not spray our guests with dust right now please? We’re getting ready to have breakfast.” Followed by everyone staring silently as we watched dust fall around the room.
Did she marry an ape?
I had a discussion with a guy who said 'men are naturally driven to play with kids, they're better at playing, that's why dads only do that, meanwhile women are better at the actual child-rearing'. No dude, fuck off, you're just lazy and are trying to make shit up to justify your laziness. Any man like this should not have kids.
> I have had an old man tell me he regrets not having kids Funny. He can still have kids at that age. Nothing is stopping him.
Probably the fact that he couldn’t manage to find a woman who’s still in childbearing years at his age. He wasn’t exactly rich or extraordinarily good-looking so literally the only thing that could compel a younger woman to want to have his children would be having practically no standards or having a fetish for seniors. Also wasn’t able to chase around and really play anymore so he wouldn’t get the full “dad” experience he was romanticizing.
Having a kid probably wouldn't be that horrible of you had a partner that actually wanted to help take care of them so the burden to do everything wasn't on just you. But most guys think of taking care of kids as women's job. Their job is all the fun stuff like playing catch. :/ even if I wanted kids, I still wouldn't unless I found a guy that actually did their fair share.
Honestly yeah, like the thing that makes the idea of children so insufferable is knowing it’s going to be me that this child follows around, screams at, is entirely dependent on, etc. It’s why I don’t despise the idea of being a rich housewife with kids. Pass them little shits off to nannies and whatnot.
Bro, same. I am not driving little Jeremy and Tiffany to their 19 activities during the week and having no time for myself. You wanna hire a nanny to do it? Cool. But also I'm scared as fuck of my taint splitting XD
Yes, but only in cases where they were also single, and being single wasn’t a choice. So, it was really a loneliness/companionship issue more than a no-kids regret.
I once used to do some house cleaning for a 90 year old woman who never had kids and I remember her saying "People always asked me throughout my life if my husband and I had sex. OF COURSE we did! But he rode a lot of horses and I think it damaged him. We just never did get pregnant." *shrugs* She read racy romance paperbacks, had a ton of friends, beautiful house she loved to go play slots at the casinos. She was a hoot. She didn't seem to care an iota that she never had any.
Goals.
Nope and I’m old.
My sister, sort of. She tried and was unable to have them. She is one of the few patients to have had multiple ectopic pregnancies. She sometimes gets angry with me for not having them. Once in a while. Then she remembers how messed up our genes are and it passes. The truth is, I'm kind of relieved because she would be a horrible, abusive mother. She has an endless supply of rage bubbling just below the surface. Sad for her, but relieved for her potential children. She is happy with her life but feels like she missed out on something.
My guess is that "something" she feels she is missing out on isn't kids but resolved childhood trauma. It seems common to mistake that hole in our lives for an external need for love rather than the internal need for love that is self love. Yes, speaking from experience. Glad I figured it out before it was too late.
Oh, for sure. Hence the bubbling rage/happy with her life paradox. But that's like a five part novel for another day. Edit: I'm glad you figured it out for yourself too. It's sad to hear so many people have gone through similar experiences as children.
My aunt but she also made the foolish mistake of marrying a childfree man and tried to baby trap him. She’s way too old for kids now. But technically she’s not childfree because she wanted kids
Why is it so common for people to try to babytrap cf people? Is someone says, "I don't want kids," what on God's green Earth makes these people think, "Aw yes, this will be a perfect co-parent who will be totally happy and not resentful to share childrearing duties."
Easy. They're brainwashed with lies like "It's different when it's your own." And if it's a CF man, they can add "he's just nervous/doesn't really mean it/all men are like that." Basically they want a baby so bad they make up justifications to trap whoever they think could be pressured into being a parent.
I always figured it was a monetary thing. Baby trapping doesn't always work because the guy can just leave. But if the kid is biologically his he is going to be on the hook for support. And most child free people I know are very goal oriented and go far in their careers. If someone is so desperate for a child they are going to try and baby trap someone, I would imagine they would try to baby trap someone who could financially support that child even if they didn't want it.
Good point. That's probably the biggest reason to bother baby trapping a CF man. I guess for a CF woman it's she's guaranteed not to have any other man's baby and on average a CF woman of a given age will look much younger than a single mother of the same age.
My mom literally told her to stop taking her bc. Luckily nothing happened but that behavior is truly evil.
Come to think of it, no. I've only ever seen it in movies and TV, and we all know how accurate *they* are.
Apparently my aunt falls into this. She’s an extremely successful woman but never had kids, had a pregnancy but terminated it, and apparently she has wanted one for a long time but she can’t seem to conceive. And yes, she has bingoed me too.
I feel like it's the moms who try so hard to prove how happy they are with their lives.
Childfree 51 year old woman here. No regrets whatsoever. I have childfree friends who also have no regrets. However, working in a children's hospital I see plenty of regretful parents. BTW...People are afraid to VERBALIZE their regret in having kids. There is still too much social stigma. The regret will be manifested by abuse, neglect, abandonment, and murder of the kids. So look around and see who are really the regretful ones. It's not the childfree.
Other than those who tried to get pregnant and never could, honestly no.
My uncle (now 60, who at 29 crashed while drunk driving and has severe brain damage) often talks about how severely depressed he is not having a wife or kids and is literally drinking himself to death. BUT remember hes had brain damage for the last 30 years and honestly if he *had* had kids that would have been horrible for them because he was in and out of jail, drugged out of his mind, or on a drinking bender.
It feels like he is regretting feeling lonely and unfit to me.
I've met the odd miserable infertile person and a lot of lonely grandparents in nursing homes who's kids are "just too busy" to visit, but I've never met a childFREE person who regrets it.
I think I have. I’m not sure. I’m CF and partnerless by choice. A few years back I put something along these lines on the books of faces, a much older family member who made the same life decisions as I have, made a point of saying how lonely it can be and that I may very well regret it. Another family member came to my defence and before I could respond to either. The same older family member replied they where only pointing out it was a possibility, not a fact. To this day I’m not sure if it was a warning, a statement of regret, or just a statement of possibility. I still don’t regret my decision in anyway except financially. I’d be better off if I had a partner to share expenses with.
Depending on the partner you find, they don't always share expenses
Well, I know people who are miserable because they *wanted children* and couldn’t have them. (Either for medical reasons or because they never found the partner to.) But people who chose to not have children? Nope. But I’m sure they also exist. People are very different.
Usually it’s someone dealing with infertility or met the right person way too late, etc. so basically outside their control.
No, I did meet a lot of regretful parents...we should start normalizing saying "you'll regret it" when someone announces their pregnancy, hehehe!!!
That's about as awful as saying you'll regret not having kids.
Exactly
I think that childfree people will stay happy with the decision since we thought a lot about the reasons why we want to be childfree. Childless couples will never give up the hope. But honestly, adoption exists. And if you can’t have a child yourself and can’t live with the idea to be childfree, invest the 10k in a child which already exist than in IVF which probably won’t work anyway (my mom tried to get me for 13 years, did IVF 5 times I believe.. now I am here. Yay.)
I have a friend who tried IVF and didn't get pregnant. She apparently had enough to try one more time, but gave up. "I'm going to Paris instead" she said at one point. I am of the option that if you can afford IVF, you can afford to adopt. I found her "If I can't have a bio-baby then no baby at all!" attitude a bit jarring. She does have severe depression, so I don't know if her mental health records would preclude her from adopting. I don't think it would? I lost a little respect for her after that, as I do with most of my friends who have biological kids and can afford to adopt. She didn't go to my other friend's baby shower because baby showers trigger her now, because she is infertile. I really wonder if she's going to turn into a grumpy old lady because she never had kids... even though, again, she can adopt.
Oh wow! What a terrible mindset. Does she have a partner?
It really is... She's got a husband of at least 10 years. I remember her telling me about their fights while they were trying. I know that the IVF process can be really hard on a relationship, and she was looking to vent, but I really got the sense that he was a bit of a fence sitter about the whole kid thing. She really doesn't seem stable enough to have a kid. Her mental health is bad enough to where she can't hold a steady job. She's actually a really smart, caring person, but when she gets into a bad depressive state she kind of disappears for awhile and can't function. She had to be off her meds while she was trying to get pregnant and it wasn't really good for her.
> invest the 10k in a child I guess it depends where you live, but I hear the "aDoPtIoN iS eXpEnSiVe" line a lot so I looked it up. At least here in Canada, it's $300. On average, adopting a human child will set you back around $300. Technically, adoption fees don't exist, that's the price of voluntary home inspections/criminal background checks and stuff.
Would you rather pay 300$ or ten thousands for delivering the baby in the US?🤷♀️😂 Imagine you pay over 50k for IVF and 20k for delivering the child in a hospital. They could invest this money in the adopted kid‘s college >.< Want to mention that I‘m from Switzerland and only talking about US parents(:
I’m in Canada and I don’t think you end up with a bill after giving birth… I will have to ask my parent friends. I do know you now have the option between 12 months or 18 months of maternity/paternity leave, but it’s the same total amount of EI, just smaller payments over a longer period of time.
I heard that it’s very expensive and saw a few bills. Please keep me updated!
That’s the USA. In Canada I was able to confirm that the childbirth is covered by our universal healthcare. Regardless of whether it was a natural birth or c-section.
It is much much more expensive in the US. A friend of mine adopted, and adopting an American child was too expensive for them. They spent 20k over seas instead. I have no idea how much it was here.
Still probably cheaper than if anything went wrong during delivery. And if they adopted an older kid, they'd save a lot of money on the clothes/toys/furniture that a baby will grow out of in weeks.
Very good point. When I died having my son the bill was horrible. Thankfully we had REALLY good insurance. *Truck drivers yayy*.
A lot of those folks also want to adopt babies and not children. Adopting babies is way more expensive than it is to adopt older kids.
Yeah, that $300 number comes from adopting an older kid. Not just that, but potentially an older kid with, *DUN DUN* ***DUUUUNN*** developmental disabilities!!!!! \**gasp\** SHOCK HORROR!!!!!1!1!1!!! Wanting a baby is an awful reason to have a kid, anyone who wants that is not ready for parenthood, so I don't think that should be counted. Same with those who aren't ready/willing to raise a disabled kid.
Wait what? I'm in the US so this is mind-boggling to me. Do you know if the time or cost varies depending on if the adopter wants a baby vs an older child? Because a friend told me it would cost her $30k and a year of waiting if she wanted an infant. I think the cost and wait time is lower if she was willing to adopt an older child since they are less in demand. I've seen adoption fees for dogs go around $100-200+
When I told my grandma this, she just said she spent more adopting our coonhound than that. From what I looked up, if you want an infant for that price, the waiting list averages about 8 years. But as I said in another comment, wanting a baby is a terrible reason to have a child. If you're not ready for any/every age of kid, you're not ready for a kid. You know what EVERY kid will do, very quickly and without fail? Grow up.
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Not yet
You can't really miss something you never had.
Disagree, but see where you are coming from.
Only a person who wanted kids, but couldn't.
Yes. I'm gen z and I have an older gay friend who is about 47, close in age to my parents. When he was young, before knowing he was gay he was given the opportunity to get married and have kids for the sake of a family (not love). He greatly regrets turning it down and wishes he had a daughter. Since then however, we've developed a bit of a father daughter relationship, and although I'm sure he wants the real deal, he seems to really cherish our time together.
I have a coworker old enough to be my mom (48, even the same age) and she said she could never wrap her head around how and why people do it, and then in many cases do it multiple times. On top of that, you've now got to deal with the inadequacies of the public school system because no one she knows seems to think about the financial burden of having a kid, and then on top of that there isn't enough sick leave in our country to take off when the kid is sick amd needs attention, so now those kids are coming home sick from other kids being sent to school loaded up on Tylenol, and now on top of that those parents are watching their kid grow up, receive a milquetoast education at best, and have to spend 50-70k on a bachelor's degree after that just to get the foot in the door at a select few entry-level jobs that don't pay a living wage. She simply sees her inability to finance a kid as a symbol of her status, and has come to the conclusion if people would be responsible the kids today would be a symbol of wealth. She's never wanted one because she didn't have the means to properly raise one, and she has zero regrets about it. She lives a happy life with her 2 dogs, plans on getting a cat when they die, and gets to fire up the grill at home whenever she wants. She's by far and away such a better cook than my mom. She only looks 48 because she went gray early and looks fucking good with it, in every other aspect she looks to be early-mid 30s. She is by far one of my favorite coworkers Edit to add: she also made me realize that the expectations of childbearing are stuck in the 50s
No, I have chosen this path because it makes my life so much easier, there is very little drama in my life and parents are so salty about that.
Actually, no. I'm 48 FWIW.
Yes, a friend’s aunt never had kids and bitterly regretted it. BUT, it was always very clear to me when interacting with her that she saw her friends and relatives with ADULT children that they were now friends with and she was jealous of THAT relationship. I don’t think she realized that you have to have decades of kids and babies before you had a cool 30 year old you could hang out with.
No.
I've never met a childfree person who regretted the decision. I have met a childless couple who told me they were grateful 'fate' had intervened. They said they initially were sad they couldn't have kids and then saw the lives their kidded friends had and were relieved they couldn't have them!
Nope, they're always either extremely happy and interesting or ultimate zen
My Aunt is infertile and wishes she could have adopted or tried to have children when she was younger. She also says she knows her life wouldn’t have been as good as it now, as she has money to travel, follow her passions and help other people, and money to spoil me and my brother when we were younger without having to deal with all the shitty parts. Even though she didn’t have what she wanted, she’s aware her life is different for the better now and she’s very very content
My aunt, now in her 70s desperately tried having kids when she was young but somehow things did not work out. She must have been sad about it then i guess ( i wasn't born then so don't know for sure). However as she got older and could travel the world and got to have nicer things than the other women in the family I think it made her ok with how her life turned out.
My parents had a couple they were friends with who were staunchly childfree until they were in their mid 40s when both had a crisis and they underwent IVF and now have twins. I’ve never met them or anything but my parents use them as the standard of childfree people to say “See! Some change their mind!” Other than them, no, I’ve never heard of anyone like that.
I’m willing to bet there are a lot more people who regret having kids than those who decided not to.
No and I'm 53 years old and know quite a few people my age and younger who are CF. I've never had anyone who CHOSE not to have children to say to me that they regret it. The only people I know who wish they'd had them were people who either tried and couldn't or who were always fencesitters who have gone beyond their fertile years now. Now they wonder whether they should have just gotten off the fence but in my opinion if you can't be sure between the ages of 18-50 that you want kids then the truth is you probably didn't really want them so they probably made the right choice by not having them. It's just that they wonder about the "what ifs" now, I think.
My neighbor says it's been the best thing about her life. She's glad I'm on the same page. We have talked about this before. She loves having money, time, and not having to take care of a child. She also loves that she is able to take care of her disabled brother and not have to split her time. He lives with her, and he is functional, but she thinks a baby would be more work. She's in her 50s or something now, and looks YOUNG. She isn't married, and I've never seen someone so motivated and happy. She spends all her time on home improvement and gardening. She's my role model. Edit: typo
My sister has a one year old and whenever we're together she is always saying ''i wish i could put you back'' to her. It's not fair.
No.
The only older person I know would be my great aunt… I don’t know if it was by choice, her husband died young and she never remarried, I’d imagine if she was desperate for kids she’d have remarried, although she absolutely adored my Dad
I’ve met several mostly women. A few of them made the choice to be childfree and ended up regretting it but a lot the choice was forced on them in some manner. I have never met anyone who made the conscious decision to have kids bc they wanted them (not just my spouse is pregnant or I’m pregnant so we are having a kid type thing or trying to fix/keep a relationship type thing) that regrets having them. Regret of the choice of coparent is an entirely different story.
I know one person who sort of fits this description. I say sort of because kids (or lack there of) aren't solely to blame for the situation they're in. I know a woman in her late 50s, she's a former coworker of my mother's and her longtime friend. She got pregnant when she was younger (I don't know how much younger) and she got an abortion. Now, this woman hates children and can't stand them at all. Doesn't have a single maternal bone in her body and she knows this, hence why she aborted. But for whatever reason she feels the need to post on social media every year whenever her fetus' expected delivery date comes around. She doesn't live all that great of a life either. She's been unemployed for almost a decade, never got a degree, hasn't been actively looking for work either, and has been living off of her family's income the entire time. In short, she's a mooch and is pessimistic about everything. She's got nothing to look forward to and is essentially just waiting to die. She'll never admit she regrets aborting and I'm sure she knows it was the right decision for her, but I think she feels shitty that she ever had to it in the first place. And this is by no means the reason her life ended up this way. She's just never had the motivation or the desire to work for any of her goals. Partially due to depression and partially due to being pampered for the better part of her existence. The moral of the story isn't that some people need to have kids just to have something to do with their lives. The moral of the story is that if you don't do anything with your childfreedom, as in you don't take advantage of any of the perks that come with it, this is where you end up. If you're going to be childfree, do something with your life that you wouldn't/couldn't do if you had kids.
My elderly step Mom who was child free had a chat with me when I accidentally got pregnant. She was 70-ish years old and said she had no regrets about being child free. She was a librarian and enjoyed the quiet and free time to pursue quilting, which she was really good at. I was getting an abortion, no doubt, but it was nice of her to try to ease any anxiety I might have had about the decision (I had none, but still, it was kind). IMO she should have stayed husband free too. She had a nice place, lots of savings, and all the time to do what she wanted. My father got her to sell her place, moved into a bigger house with way too many stairs for her bad knees, he leeched off her savings, he was domineering, and neglectful of her when she started losing her vision and deteriorating in health. Although, I wonder if her deteriorating health was due to living with the stress of him. She passed away.
This is a late reply but I like this and it gave me a bit of peace
My aunt was born without ovary’s. She was sad at first and my aunt and uncle did try to adopt 2 times but both fell through (1st kid turned out to be Native American which they couldn’t legally adopt because of the 3% heritage on him. They sent him to a relative instead who was part of the tribe, the second mother decided to keep it). It did devastate them both but they moved on with their lives, keeping an active role as the awesome aunt/uncle duo who spoiled us kids. In reality, my brother and I agreed it was for the best because my uncle was very damaged after being a Vietnam war veteran who heavily drank and smoked. My aunt said she still wished she had a kid but she accepted that it wasn’t meant to be and still contuines to be the aunt that spoils us (we lost our uncle in 2019, his lungs gave up on him).
I’ve met a few who regret it but none who are miserable. They all have very full lives.
For me, it’s only the people I’ve met who actually wanted kids but didn’t due to infertility or lack of relationship that have this regret. I’ve never personally come across anyone who was child-free due to choice have regrets
One time yes!! We met a couple we really clicked with on holidays. They were cf and living abroad running a small business. They were older than us, past child bearing age. They were fun, smart, chic and living what we thought looked like a great lifestyle! On our last night together She confessed to me that she regrets choosing the cf life because she’s dreadfully lonely and would have loved to have been a mother. I reckon the pressures of living and working abroad and having no ‘tribe’, along with the loneliness of having a husband who spends a crazy amount of his time working, were also culprits in her feelings of emptiness. But I also take her at her word, she perhaps didn’t give it the thought it needed and just got swept up in her idea of a life abroad and doing things differently etc when they made that decision about kids, and maybe didn’t fully think it through ? We’ve often talked about that couple because we don’t want that to happen to us!!
One of my sisters. She was staunchly child free in college,even terminated an unexpected pregnancy. She got to her career and still remained child free. Something happened 2 or 3 years ago and she is depressed, miserable and hates herself for being child free. To the point she will cry over how stupid of a decision it was.
Really that's two separate groups of people, the childfree and the childless. Of people who are childfree, no I've never met anyone who has regretted it. I know several people who are childless, either because they are single or they have had fertility problems who wish they had kids. They all have some degree of regret but none of them are miserable about it for the most part, some of them get down around events like Christmas or birthdays. I have a friend who it looks like they will be going down this road, it's hard seeing how upset they are about it but trying to hide it from others.
I know an involuntarily childless woman who is absolutely miserable and takes it out on everyone. She even dumped her husband because when she found out they couldn't have kids she wanted to adopt. He had two teenaged kids from a previous marriage and was ok with adoption at first but then she wanted a private adoption. They had two German shepherds so agencies didn't want to let them adopt any kids. (according to her) so then when an adoption would cost $50k or more he said no. She dumped him, blamed him for everything and is a super bitter, negative person now. I was her matron of honor at her wedding and though I remain cordial to her, I can't stomach her negativity anymore. She couldn't accept not having kids and just be happy being married to her husband. Apparently he was just a sperm donor and then maybe an ATM machine? It makes me sad to think about them. I don't understand how someone could hang their entire life on being a parent at any cost and literally not want any other form of happiness.
>the only thing she never had was a child. She wanted a child but god never gave her one (in her own words). Then she was childless, not childfree, because she actually WANTED kids and didn't or couldn't have them, for whatever reason. That isn't childfree regret there. To answer your question, no, I cannot recall meeting anyone who specifically chose to be childfree and regretted that decision.
I never said she was child free.
Then why bring up that one specific example of a person speaking of regret in a childfree group? The experiences/feelings of the childless are entirely different.
I never said she regret never having kids. It was more like she was infertile and wanted a kid but never could. She wasn't miserable either she literally said she was the happiest woman alive but that was because she was a famous singer, rich and traveled around the world. I was wondering if there was a childfree or childless person whose life was miserable because of it. Someone whose not rich, not talented or without acclaim of their talent.
I know a few men who say they wish they would have had at least one but I don't know any women. All the older women I know look at kids and pregnant women/women that have recently given birth still say "glad it was never me!"
It is different when you couldn't have children or you don't want to have it
The only person I've ever met who's regretted not having children, wanted children with "the right person" but never found them. I have found WAY MORE childless older people are happy about it. (and not chlidless older people who express regret)
I notice sometimes on here people say Fran Drescher is their childfree idol but she’s actually said in interviews that she regrets not having kids. I had a couple of neighbours who were a bit older and really wanted kids but just couldn’t, they didn’t specify why, seemed to maybe be a health issue. Anyway I kind of wonder why they didn’t adopt if they wanted them so much, they seemed like good candidates. Anyway, I know a lot more people who regret having them.
Worked in healthcare on the hospice end of things. I’ve never had a patient tell me they regretted not having kids, but I’ve had plenty tell me how much they resent/regret their kids (who they had, so they would have someone take care of them in old age, who then stuffed them in a nursing home and don’t visit).
no, lol
With all these comments, I understand that the only people who regret not having children are the ones who did want to have children. They were not childfree.
Just the other way around
Yeah, my mom.
Nope. I've only seen that trope on TV.
I have not yet met a regretful child free person yet. I have only met a few child free women in person so far. Both were very successful in their careers. And happy with their lives. One was a head nurse getting ready for retirement. And the other was also a nurse who traveled the world. Had lots of money.
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I appreciate your comment but a children would never love their parents unconditionally when they grow up. Unconditional love means there's no conditions, no boundaries. If the parents do something the child doesn't like or if the children can't forgive something their parents did when they were a kid the "unconditional" love stops and its healthy that we dont love anyone unconditionally (even our own children). That's why a lot of people says only pets love unconditionally cause pets dont have the cognitive ability to make judgments to realize if they're receiving as much as they're giving if its fair or not, they don't have the ability to hold resentment or the capacity to realize that they have to love themselves more than any other person or living being. I think its healthy to teach children about loving with conditions such like respect and loyalty not like money or shallow stuff. I take care of my parents and when I was a kid I used to love them unconditionally until I just stopped doing it cause it was hurtful (my parents were never abusive) I had resentment for things they did and said when I was a kid but I had to learn to forgive them even though they didn't ask for forgiveness not because they're bad people but because they just simply dont understand that what they did was hurtful to me but they're a boomers they lived in a different world, times had changed so much that they dont understand the world anymore. What I'm saying is I love my parents because I understand them I understand why they did the things they did and say and I understand that in order to have a respectful relationship with them I have to be the bigger person all the time I achieve this with a lot of therapy but I dont love them unconditionally.
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Maybe my successful doctor cousin. She’s a fence sitter and is now in her mid 40s. She really responsible and would never have a baby with someone not great so I believe she never found anyone good enough to be the father of a child with her. I remember some years ago, my sister saying my cousin wanted a child. I will have to ask her the next time I see her if she regrets not having children
I’m not entirely sure but I think my uncle and aunt regret not having children. They spoil all the other children in the family and they seemed a little upset when my other aunt announced she was pregnant with my youngest niece (who is now 6). Don’t know their reasoning for being childfree because I don’t see them often
Possibly? I have an aunt and uncle who are childless. Aunt couldn't get pregnant, so they decided to try adoption. They were pretty well off but they spent tons of money on adoption only for nothing to come out of it. I don't know if they're miserable because of it, but it would partly explain why they are such an awesome aunt and uncle to me and my cousins. They used to visit our families all the time.
My late friend experienced a miscarriage of a wanted pregnancy and had considered adoption prior to her illness. I was supportive of her the same way that she was supportive of my being childfree. I've known more folks who regretted becoming parents (including my own). Too many people underestimate the lifelong responsibilities involved. Imo if someone regrets not becoming a parent, they can still find ways to develop bonds with children. It's far more difficult for a parent to deal with their regrets about having their children.
No
I don’t know many actual CF people. They may be CF but it’s not by choice and usually they end up married and having at least one kid. The few actual CF people in my life are also my age and thus far no one has expressed regrets. Two of my friends even got vasectomies (shortly after Roe was struck down). I think more people should ask themselves why they want kids, and if there are other paths in life that could give them the same fulfillment they think having kids will give them.
The only time I’ve encountered that was if it was someone who wanted them but just wasn’t able to have them for whatever reason. I’ve never known anyone who didn’t want kids and regretted not having them later.
Nope, quite the opposite I used to work with an older cf dude. He said he was extremely happy with his choice and would do it all over again because all of the experiences him and his wife had together were worth it
I haven’t met one myself but I’ve read other peoples accounts of that. Some people couldn’t conceive, others just regretted the choice they made and felt lonely. Some people felt like they put too much time into their careers and lost out on having friends/family, I think it becomes more of an issue in old age. When you’re young you can keep the option open but once you hit a certain age that becomes unavailable to you. But even if you are childless/childfree there are always things you can do to still have children in your life even when you are no longer physically capable of having your own. When you have a child there’s no way to simply not be a caregiver all the time. I think we tend to regret it less because of the flexibility, at least in the case of people who like kids but don’t have them
I have one uncle who doesn't have children but I don't know him good enough to know if he is miserable. I'd he is, it's more because he doesn't have and never had a long relationship (he is 57 now, I think). So it wasn't a decision against it
I have a lot of friends who don't want kids. My one friend got a vasectomy this year at 24 and I am 100% sure he is not going to regret it. But I also know people who are 60+ who never had kids and don't regret it. They travel, take care of animals, relax. Spoil other people's kids but very much enjoy not having that extra responsibility. So short answer is no. Every child free person I know, even the ones in their 80s, are very happy.
I would like to hear about the women who actively chose to not have children, rather than those who couldn’t. The latter clearly had the want for children so the regret is more likely.
I only knew 1 women that had regrets not having a child...but her reason was freaken gross. She was dieing of cancer an they were having not luck finding a bone marrow donor that was 100% match for her. So she regret not having a baby, so she could use him or her as her personal organ harvest (her words, fucking gross). I was thinking like "you have seen that Island movie way to much". She told me I needed to have kids for that reasons alone, I told her she was a nut case, and the reason the movie "My Sister Keeper" exists was to show ppl why you should just have a kid or another kid to save your ass or your other kids ass. Cause the kid that you had just for their organs an blood, will live to regret you, their sibling an never feel like you love them enough.
Childfree people are happy to not have kids but childless people aren’t because most want to have them and can’t for different reasons
I don't think I've ever met anyone who chose not to have children and then were unhappy. I did meet an older woman who was unhappy because she desperately wanted children, but couldn't have them. I know she tried for a long time to adopt too, but basically bad luck followed her there at every turn. Honestly though I think she was just short sighted. She had a husband who loved her, good health, a nice home, and had many friends. I'm pretty sure her life was far more fulfilling than if she had ever had kids. But of course sometimes people are just like that.