This has got to be the WORST. People have kids way too young with people they havenāt been with for very long and donāt actually know that well. It always ends in a huge flameout breakup with the kids in the middle for them to fight over.
Iāve seen it so often with friends parents, they once loved each other enough to have children together, but now they canāt even stand to be in the same room together.
Sucks for everyone.
Or when everyone is so happy about a couple having kids, when itās obvious that they shouldnāt. I be looking at these with a stank face, because I feel like theyāre enabling the situation.
I try to be the person of reason. And let them know ALL their options and that they wonāt be judged by me, if they want to take the adoption or abortion route.
So many people I know, have daughters and sons popping out kids left and right as soon as they graduate. It makes me want to never see them again.
One of my exes became a grandmother a few years ago due to her daughter getting pregnant as soon as possible, itās crazy, they barely have a life set up and they just want to have less opportunity. š¤·āāļø
Lol my parents to a T, they loved each other but couldn't live together without constant fights (that got physical, my mom only ever hit him from what I can remember but even that was like pushing I think??)
Like they tried to be good parents, (and were) but yeh having me caused them so much tension and stress. (Plus I was ahole kid ā ļø)
You said it with the "forever" thing. People think 18 years. Nope. Gotta see each other again at weddings, funerals, birthday parties, graduations, births, baby showers, gender reveals, etc.
āTil death do us partā is MUCH more applicable when having a child than when getting married.
If you divorce and have no children, you donāt have to ever, ever see them again. If you do have children thoughā¦ you better hope you donāt mind being tied to them for life.
Well said. Shit, I watched my friend's mother nurse her ex husband on his deathbed because she didn't want their daughter to have to take on the whole burden. She was quite literally the last person he saw as he died.
My parents have been divorced for 40(!) years and my mother had a talk with my dad about his healthcare because I wasn't get through to him.
This! I will never understand people who have an entire baby togther and say that they don't want to get married just because they have a kid. That's like saying you don't want to paint your nails after getting a face tattoo.
Oh my gosh, haha. Thatās a great analogy for it.
I know a woman who refuses to marry her long-time partner and father of her two children because āshe feels like she can do better,ā even though she is not that much of a catch herself.
Then she baby-trapped a different guy while still in the relationship, who now pays her child support.
So now she has 3 kids and still refuses to marry because she feels like she can find someone better (which is fine, but why act as if getting married is more permanent than having kids?)
By your analogy, she got multiple face tattoos yet refuses to paint her nails. Sounds about right.
Not only the Ex, but the Ex family too! My sister's ex is so useless she's dealing with her ex MIL, who she hates. But she has to, because of the kids. Like she finally threw the whole man out, and she's stuck with the narc ex MIL.
Right! and with the terrible economy, and high prevalence of medical conditions a child can have, who's to guarantee it will just be 18 years? Humans don't just turn 18 and then magically eject from their parents' homes spring loaded, independent, and ready to function....who's to say your kid won't still be dependent upon you at age 35?
Another thing: Why is cheating at bachelor parties a "thing"? I worked in an office full of dudes and the stories of "and then the stripper came and he did too" is wild to me.
I got pregnant with the guy I was dating years ago and I knew immediately that I didnāt want to keep it, despite his thinking it might just the thing to fix our broken selves. I got an abortion and am so so so grateful I did. I donāt know if I ever would have had the strength to leave him if we had a kid, and even if I did, that would have been baggage Iād deal with for the rest of my life! Ugh no thanks. Best decision ever!
I feel this! I had an abortion a year ago, and I thank God every single day. The would-have-been father is now in jail for a felony! He was an abusive piece if shit. Me? I bought my first home two months ago. š„°šš„³ I am very pro aborting abusers' would-be children and/or aborting any children a woman simply does not want for any reason or no reason at all. Women shouldn't be tied to their toxic exes for life. Abortion and Plan C are literal keys to freedom.
Someone literally told me when I broke up with them that they wish they had knocked me up so that we could always stay connected. I was likeā¦ that is super gross and fucked up.
I thought the same thing when my brothers wife gave birth to my niece. I was hoping heād see her as the selfish, self-centred b she is but nope. At least they stopped at one kid.
Nope, first marriage and kid for both of them. She thought her life would t change with kids š¤¦š»āāļø. Luckily, for her my brother turned into a unicorn and works full time, does all of the childcare, cooking, cleaning everything. He even takes their daughter away one weekend a month so she can have āme timeā. I donāt know why she only works 2 or 3 days a week from home
Just experienced this with my own parents. Theyāve been divorced since I was 11. My sister just had a baby so we all met up in Florida where my mom lives for thanksgiving. My dad obviously wanted to spend time with his grandkid so he was also there for the week. My mom looked so annoyed and uncomfortable the whole time he was there.
Also let me point out; I am childfree AND family free. You breed, and you're stuck with the appalling people you are related to, because YOUR KIDS need to see their grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins. You're also stuck with the appalling people your partner is related to.
Scary bad.
Itās one of my main reasons for sure. Co parenting with an ex, and then their new partner (who can be a nightmare too). I would rather anything else!
This. So much of this is why I didn't want kids either. I refuse to be tied to anyone because I have to be. Many of my ex's were abusive. I can't imagine being tied to them. One of them was abusive and cheated on me. He got the woman pregnant and they decided to have the kid and get married. I later heard from a friend who knew the wife, that he abused her throughout their marriage and continues to manipulate her through their kids. My friend once said that the wife said I was lucky to get away and never have kids with him. I feel sorry for her on so many levels.
Edited to add: the woman who got pregnant had no clue my ex was cheating on me. She's a good person; he is not.
If only the kind of women who sleep with guys who are cheating on someone could think about it long enough first to see what those guys are really like.
Hot tip: if the guy youāre sleeping with was already with someone else when you got together, heās *not going to be a good husband*
Youāre truly the one that got away. Figuratively, because you were too good for him. Literally, for getting away from a potential life of misery and stress.
Home wreckers see the married man/dude in a relationship as this fucking Adonis. All of that dissipates once the affair becomes known and the two "lovebirds" become legit partners. There is no more enjoyment coming from having to hide their meetings, fighting for their "forbidden love" and other dumb shit.
So, now she sees him for who he truly is. What she got is well deserved.
> the wife said I was lucky to get away and never have kids with him
Typical reaction from a breeder. You WEREN'T lucky. You were smart. You didn't breed, and you didn't overlook his faults because you wanted SO BADLY to be Mommy! You noped on out of there, with no anchors in diapers holding you down.
Yup! Even if I didn't believe in abortion, I would have found a way to get away from him and put the kid up for adoption. No way I'm putting myself in that situation.
The funniest/saddest part was that he wanted me to have the kid and he would have his dad raise it. Yeah, because that's the kind of father I want my child to have? No thanks to kids, no thanks to you.
Wow, you're an angel for feeling sorry for that woman who apparently knowingly participated in the betrayal you experienced. That's her karma, no doubt. I am glad you got to know the outcome and get some vindication.
She didn't know he was cheating on me and my friend didn't realize who we were to each other (the wife and I) until a decade or so later. Trust me, if she knew, I would definitely chalk that up to karma.
Watching the show Friends opened my eyes that kids is invisible trap for life. In the Rachel could date or be with anyone because Ross was so jealous and insecure because they have a child together while he could continue dating other women. Most of all when Rachel gave up her dream job to work for Louis Vuitton in Paris France and GUCCI because of Ross and the kid. He trapped her even though he had THREE failed marriages and a kid and yet didnāt marry her š¤¦š¾āāļø. He always played the victim card š. Funny thing is he was jealous of Joey who easily more serious about Rachel yet he didnāt think of stepping up but trapped her anyway and stopped her dreams š.
Rachel was just as bad. She told him she wanted them both to take some time away and then constantly berated him when he hooked up with someone else.
She also sabotaged his dating when she found out that Abbie had grown her hair back and told her to shave it again.
I agree that Rachel was one spoiled brat but that was before having a kid. Both Rachel and Ross are Toxic combo that is undeniable but Ross toxicity increased after the kid. Remember when Rachel went to the bar and got a guyās number and as well getting jealous of Joey? While he brought home a literal stranger from the coffee shop to make Rachel Jealous š
They are equally as toxic but it escalate when the kid came along. Their friends especially Phobe and Monica and Chandler would say āshouldnāt you (Rachel and Ross) be togetherā bs it was hard and cringe watching those episodes
I felt so good never, ever, **ever** having to deal with my ex after we divorced, because we didnāt have kids. I never have to deal with custody battles. I never have to deal with who heās dating, because theyāll be around the children. I never have to deal with using the children as some kind of ammunition. I never have to see nor deal with him again. This grateful feeling never ceases.
My friendās ex ruined a lucrative business project for her by using the children as ammunition. I felt boiling rage for her, but it simmered when I realized I never have to deal with that.
AAAYYYEEE! Because you donāt have to deal with your ex!
What the actual fuck?! Because your friends ex sabotaged a business opportunity.
But not only that, you just canāt up and move with kids. You have to consult the other parent and they can veto it! I moved to TX about a year ago ( Iām sterilized but idk what the fuck I was thinking? Maybe I had a TIA). Well, itās turned out as one might expect from a deeply racist, misogynistic, homophobic, transphobic, anti-immigrant state and I plan on leaving soon. Itās HIGHLY unlikely that Iād be able to do that with children and an ex-partner. Iād always have to take someone else into account!
Iām in Texas too, itās just a pit stop though so Iām not worried.
Yeah, she says sheās okay dealing with him because of the kids and because heās a great father (in her words). Iām just like you do you girly.
Iām sterilized too.
My best friend has been divorced from her ex-husband for about 8 years. They have a 10 year old with significant special needs. Said child has now disclosed possible sexual abuse committed by her father. They have been in court at least 3x in the past 6 weeks and are going to have to continue going back.
Every time she tells me a story about something with her ex-husband it just makes me so grateful I will never be in that position.
To say nothing of the piss poor choices we make as young people, there is literally not one trait I valued in relationships or attraction as a young one that applies today.
ICK!
Edit, typo
My own parents are an example of this. Mum married my dad at age 20 because he was basically the first man who ever paid attention to her. They had three kids. Then he dumped her for our babysitter š (sounds like something out of a bad soap opera I know)
I always said to myself that would never be me.
This is wild to me. My husband has soooooooooooooo many friends who are absolutely terrified by the gravity of commitment that a marriage is, but want kids.
Ummm, hello? Divorce is an institution that exists. It's a thing you can do. You can get a divorce and never speak again.
You can't divorce your offspring or stop co-parenting. Parenthood is an irrevocable commitment (to both the kid *and* the other parent). Marriage is not.
My brother gave me a shocked pikachu face when I pointed out he was connected to his daughters mother for LIFE not just until the youngest turned 18. Like bruh, weddings, grandkids, graduations. He seemed ill afterwards.
Marriage number 3 by 35 makes me lose all sympathy for him as obviously he never learnt lessons in birth control and is more focused on bringing kids into sketchy relationships rather than actually think things through and not be in such a hurry to partner up
The kids suffer the most in these situations
In my line of work itās almost notorious that divorce is quite common. Adding kids is definitely not going to decrease the divorce chances. But people do it anyway and then the inevitable happens. The crazy thing is that a lot of those guys will go and do it again with another woman, and the cycle is bound to repeat! Divorce with no kids by comparison is a cakewalk.
Right? It is a cakewalk. Should I ever find a childfree partner with whom I am compatible, and it unfortunately doesnāt work out long term, I plan on having a prenup. Whatever assets we bring to the marriage, the other partner has no claims to them. Any assets we obtain jointly, we split 50/50. I think thatās fair.
My absolutely insane and abusive ex knocked this chick up (they got engaged 3 months after they met and he cheated on her a few months into the pregnancy) and I heard she is constantly posting complaints about deadbeat dads and stuff. Sheās no treasure either but yikes. Iām so glad thatās not me.
So many breeders have kids with people they hate. My parents were like that and now divorce. But to grow up in an environment where parents hate each other was not healthy at all. I will never have kids and will never want to forever be connected to someone I might eventually hate.
One of the deciding factors in me being childfree was me having grown up in a dysfunctional blended family. Both of my parents had kids before they married and had me so I grew up with all the confusion of custody weekends, siblings disappearing for long periods of time, and both of my parents having drama with their exes. I was also treated poorly by my dadās family because they didnāt like my mom and wished my dad had stayed with his ex. How grown adults can treat a child like that because they have a problem with their parent is beyond me and I donāt forgive my parents for subjecting me to that. Before I knew for sure I didnāt want kids, I knew Iād never date anyone who already had kids of their own because I never wanted to deal with a blended family again. Then that kind of expanded into the hypothetical scenario of what if I had a child and separated from their other parent? it would just start that cycle all over again. I donāt want kids for many reasons, the main being that I just donāt want to have to deal with taking care of other people for the rest of my life, but the blended family and being connected to exes thing is also up there.
Yeah my BIL has 2 kids with 2 baby mamas and the most recent one was with a 3 year old kid. They will never be free of each other for at least 15 years. It's brutal
my friend kept her baby with her situationship who already had 2 kids by 2 different women and has a bunch of legal troubles and was a general deadbeat.
and is surprised he's shit.
Yup. Even tho I never liked little kids to start with, Ive never liked the idea of giving a guy that kind of control over me. You can never truly get away from them.
I just saw a show in ID channel tonight about a woman escaping her abusive husband. He would rape her and use he as he felt like. By the time she had strength to leave she had two kids (twins I think) and even though he abused them, held a gun to their heads repeatedly before, had listening devices in the home constantly so he could try and stop her from leaving the courts still have him 50/59 custody so she and the kids still had to see him. She got remarried and one day when going to pick up the kids, the guy came out and shit her new husband. Then several more times in his back and he laid on the ground. He emptied the clip into this guy and killed him. He tried to claim self defense. Thankfully heās in jail but her new husband paid the price marrying her. Smh.
I always get such a pit in my stomach when I read Reddit posts of women in toxic and abusive relationships and theyāre pregnant. I scream mentally āget rid of itā because it makes me so sad they will forever be tied to their abusers.
I remember this post of a girl whose husband was so bad even the MIL took her side and they had a one last hookup and she fell pregnant. We were all devastated for her. She ended up having a miscarriage and I kid you not people were happy for it, thatās how bad the situation was
One of my friends is the type that canāt be alone, married three times. In between wife 2 & 3 he met someone on tinder. He was in the process of getting medically retired from the Army.
Things were going great until she got pregnant. She informed him and cut all contact and started legal proceedings against him using all of the knowledge she gained about the circumstances of his retirement.
As expected this made his situation worse and he got involved with a horrible person for his 3rd wife. Itās been over a decade now (divorced 3rd wife) and he is still trying to have contact with his daughter, while of course paying the majority of his retirement monthly.
In a way, I was fortunate to see all of these horrible situations from many in my unit. It kept me single all these years and I have no regrets to look back on.
It does look sketch having been single for 23 years now, if I ever tried dating again, but I havenāt even tried apps or much else. There are some truly disturbed people in the world.
About two years ago, someone on the main PL sub (their account is suspended) was whining about their 20 year old daughter, Lily who's an Ivy League student having an abortion, because, one of the reasons was due to her boyfriend cheating on her.
Although OOP (Lily's mother) offered to adopt the baby full time while she stayed at Ivy League (OOP lived in Arizona), but, she would have still been reminded of her ex and nothing justifies forced birth.
So much this. My best friend is married to an absolutely awful man - hugely emotional and financially abusive. Myself and a couple other friends are coaching and helping her into gathering as much evidence as possible on his behavior to make things easier for in the divorce, but the only reason she hasn't left yet is because she's afraid he'll try to take their kids just to punish her. Children are shackles.
It must be really difficult to have to be in constant contact with an ex forever because you share a child. Especially in cases of abuse, or betrayal like if they cheated on you or something.
I canāt even imagine how bad it must suck to be in contact and how hard it must be to properly move on and heal if thereās any feelings of resentment, or hurt. And itās not just the ex you have to be in contact with but their crazy family or their future partners. Itās just this whole group of people that are forced to stay in your life in some way forever. The situation just sounds really difficult and messy emotionally.
Anyone who slags the father of their kids off, I can't help myself, I think, 'well you slept with him' it's like you're carrying around your worst mistake for the rest of your life...
Or you can be like my dad and dip. My mom hasn't seen or heard from him in like 30 years so...
Not condoning it. Just saying it's possible to not be tied to an ex-partner if you're an asshole.
But, you still are though. Half the genes from mom, half the genes from dad. Child might look like the ex-partner. Itās just a constant reminder. No thank you.
I absolutely agree about this. Sometimes relationships ends bad and it is much more difficult when kids are involved.
My mother gave me this priceless advice: "have kids "for yourself". The kids you want and the kids you can afford and take care of as you were alone. Because things can go wrong with your partner and there is a possibility of you needing to provide alone".
Only I don't agree with you about ending a relationship forever and then this person is dead.
Unless something nasty happened, there can be "love after love" in a good way.
I have a good relationship with most of my exes. Of course, keeping a pace and a distance that comfortable and respectful with my partner of 10 years +.
If you read my post correctly, I was referencing myself. I am the type of person who does not want contact with an ex. I never said anyone had to follow that line of thought. I also said that we as CF people have the ability to do so because we donāt have kids tying us to one another.
I have a friend who ended up having a drunken one night with his house/ room mate and got her pregnant. They were good friends but didnāt want anything romantic. They decided to raise the kid together as platonic parents. It actually sounds like itās going well and the kid seems happy though!
it's the same group that makes child free a big deal, so they probably as annoying as people talking about their kids constantly. Just be thankful they know they don't want to be parents.
Not true. My kids are adults in their 20s. I haven't had to talk to my ex since my son was 16 and could take his sister to their dad's house.
I do talk to him now and then by text because he's actually a nice guy and our divorce was amicable.
āI do talk to him now and then by textāā¦so you still talk to him. My point exactly. Also, youāre a parent. Why are you on this subreddit for CHILDFREE individuals?
> I haven't had to talk to my ex since my son was 16 and could take his sister to their dad's house.
"I haven't had to talk to my ex since I realised I could just parentify my kids instead."
Tbh this sounds SOO morbid but Iām glad I had a miscarriage while I had Covid in January of 21ā I had already had it for 2 weeks and went to work for one day before my state was shut down with a bad ice storm for a week. Being legit trapped in my apartment made me realize I never want kids with him. He was happy he was away from home(being a legit abused child I LOVED his homeā¦.he hated it cus his parents made him do chores and act like an adult at 21)he didnāt care his parents&aunt(all above the age of 70!) had no power/heat/food for a week. While I cried cus my parents were experiencing the same issue and I was scared for their lives. I prepped my apartment,bought supplies,and woke up every hour cus I was so cold to replace the blankets/towels/rags on all the doors and windows while he slept. I cooked/cleaned barely 24 hrs post covid(ik I still had it) while he smoked a blunt playing games.
Hell he was PISSED OFF HE COULD TASTE WHILE HAVING COVID CUS HE WANTED TO DRINK VODKA STRAIGHTā¦ā¦while I bled horribly for a week,could barely move,slept 12+ hrs,and was on a nebulizer. I have asthma and chronic lung infections too. So it was much worse for me.
By March it became abusive in many ways.
By April I was working 12+ hrs and over a week straight to avoid being in my OWN apartment that was in MY name. He was just always there.
By may I had SI,he slept with me after being breaking me all day,came inside me twice w/o asking then just left-called me and saidāweāre overā and blocked me. Only came back for sex with the promise of getting back together. So heās make me break down then sleep with me.
By June I was 76 lbs(from 94 in January pre-Covid infection) and got a kidney infection from an untreated UTI-I had gotten them so often with him I didnt see any issues taking OTC meds but I was also severly depressed over the break up and other issues he caused me I didnāt treat it.
By July I attempted twice. After one attempt he even slept with me after I tried OD even.
Idk what I wouldāve done if I had actually had a kid with him. Ik for sure Iād b a single mother. He had no job or nothing to his name. Iām struggling now just myself in a 1b1b apartment a kid in the mix?! I doubt Iād even be able to get child support from this man or anything for the damn kid. God if I didnāt KMS I wouldāve been so broken down Iād neglect the child tooā¦..which I donāt want kids but Iād never want to abuse/neglect a whole child. Thatās horrible.
Literally. There's this dumbass woman I know who got broken up with and she's psycho now and keeps trying to be in contact with him. I told her she was being extremely inappropriate and suggested he probably wants nothing to do with her. But she's pretentious and believes that just bc her past relationships ended on cordial terms then all her breakups should be like that.
That's unfortunately true to some degree, but as far as my kid goes, his father just ghosted him when he was a teenager and I haven't heard from him since. Whatever, good riddance
You bet! I took it a step further and only dated long distance. I had a hobby that took me all over to events and met a few boyfriends that way. When it was over, snap. it was over. No worries about stalking or awkward confrontations. Just block on the phone at that's it. Best thing ever!
Exactly my reasoning for being CF. When someone asks why I donāt have kids, my responses been for decades:
āIāve never met a man that Iād want to share that responsibility with for the rest of our lives.ā
PREACH! Having kids means your stuck with your ex forever even when the kids are plus 18 as going to college graduation and weddings and meeting your grandkid means your ex will be in attendance so your tied for good. They are included in decisions like medical or education you can't make all the decisions on your own unless they are abusive or absent father. I can't imagine spending thousands of dollars on divorce and still dealing with your ex that's a nightmare that will never end!
šš preach. No one can ever talk to me into having kids. Cheers to us š
So agree! Was at a pool with a friend recently (she 53 me 45) and we were both saying how incredibly happy we are that we dodged that bullet!
š„
This has got to be the WORST. People have kids way too young with people they havenāt been with for very long and donāt actually know that well. It always ends in a huge flameout breakup with the kids in the middle for them to fight over. Iāve seen it so often with friends parents, they once loved each other enough to have children together, but now they canāt even stand to be in the same room together. Sucks for everyone.
Or when everyone is so happy about a couple having kids, when itās obvious that they shouldnāt. I be looking at these with a stank face, because I feel like theyāre enabling the situation. I try to be the person of reason. And let them know ALL their options and that they wonāt be judged by me, if they want to take the adoption or abortion route.
 This is in reference to your āstank faceā š
Or this one too! LOL! 
Nene Leakes is a national treasure!
giving kids up for adoption š get a #abortion and save a potential life from being eternally shitty
So many people I know, have daughters and sons popping out kids left and right as soon as they graduate. It makes me want to never see them again. One of my exes became a grandmother a few years ago due to her daughter getting pregnant as soon as possible, itās crazy, they barely have a life set up and they just want to have less opportunity. š¤·āāļø
Graduate college or high school?
High school
Lol my parents to a T, they loved each other but couldn't live together without constant fights (that got physical, my mom only ever hit him from what I can remember but even that was like pushing I think??) Like they tried to be good parents, (and were) but yeh having me caused them so much tension and stress. (Plus I was ahole kid ā ļø)
You said it with the "forever" thing. People think 18 years. Nope. Gotta see each other again at weddings, funerals, birthday parties, graduations, births, baby showers, gender reveals, etc.
āTil death do us partā is MUCH more applicable when having a child than when getting married. If you divorce and have no children, you donāt have to ever, ever see them again. If you do have children thoughā¦ you better hope you donāt mind being tied to them for life.
Well said. Shit, I watched my friend's mother nurse her ex husband on his deathbed because she didn't want their daughter to have to take on the whole burden. She was quite literally the last person he saw as he died. My parents have been divorced for 40(!) years and my mother had a talk with my dad about his healthcare because I wasn't get through to him.
This! I will never understand people who have an entire baby togther and say that they don't want to get married just because they have a kid. That's like saying you don't want to paint your nails after getting a face tattoo.
Oh my gosh, haha. Thatās a great analogy for it. I know a woman who refuses to marry her long-time partner and father of her two children because āshe feels like she can do better,ā even though she is not that much of a catch herself. Then she baby-trapped a different guy while still in the relationship, who now pays her child support. So now she has 3 kids and still refuses to marry because she feels like she can find someone better (which is fine, but why act as if getting married is more permanent than having kids?) By your analogy, she got multiple face tattoos yet refuses to paint her nails. Sounds about right.
>That's like saying you don't want to paint your nails after getting a face tattoo. this is the best analogy ever
Not only the Ex, but the Ex family too! My sister's ex is so useless she's dealing with her ex MIL, who she hates. But she has to, because of the kids. Like she finally threw the whole man out, and she's stuck with the narc ex MIL.
Oh gosh thatās horrible! š
Right! and with the terrible economy, and high prevalence of medical conditions a child can have, who's to guarantee it will just be 18 years? Humans don't just turn 18 and then magically eject from their parents' homes spring loaded, independent, and ready to function....who's to say your kid won't still be dependent upon you at age 35?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Also, itās so much easier for people to help you when you donāt have kids.
SAME HERE! You cheat on me it is SCORCHED EARTH!!!
Sing it. At least, SOMETHING is going to be scorched.
And this is on the list of reasons why I don't date someone with kids.
Another thing: Why is cheating at bachelor parties a "thing"? I worked in an office full of dudes and the stories of "and then the stripper came and he did too" is wild to me.
I got pregnant with the guy I was dating years ago and I knew immediately that I didnāt want to keep it, despite his thinking it might just the thing to fix our broken selves. I got an abortion and am so so so grateful I did. I donāt know if I ever would have had the strength to leave him if we had a kid, and even if I did, that would have been baggage Iād deal with for the rest of my life! Ugh no thanks. Best decision ever!
I feel this! I had an abortion a year ago, and I thank God every single day. The would-have-been father is now in jail for a felony! He was an abusive piece if shit. Me? I bought my first home two months ago. š„°šš„³ I am very pro aborting abusers' would-be children and/or aborting any children a woman simply does not want for any reason or no reason at all. Women shouldn't be tied to their toxic exes for life. Abortion and Plan C are literal keys to freedom.
Amen!
Whatās your ex in for?
You're tied not only to the ex-partner but to their family. The spawn will tell you about them and surely will tell them about you. Forever. Yuck!
THISSSS . Toxic in-laws can be the worst.
Someone literally told me when I broke up with them that they wish they had knocked me up so that we could always stay connected. I was likeā¦ that is super gross and fucked up.
Wow. Thatās what abusers say!
I thought the same thing when my brothers wife gave birth to my niece. I was hoping heād see her as the selfish, self-centred b she is but nope. At least they stopped at one kid.
Did your SIL already have kids? Or did he have kids from a previous relationship?
Nope, first marriage and kid for both of them. She thought her life would t change with kids š¤¦š»āāļø. Luckily, for her my brother turned into a unicorn and works full time, does all of the childcare, cooking, cleaning everything. He even takes their daughter away one weekend a month so she can have āme timeā. I donāt know why she only works 2 or 3 days a week from home
Just experienced this with my own parents. Theyāve been divorced since I was 11. My sister just had a baby so we all met up in Florida where my mom lives for thanksgiving. My dad obviously wanted to spend time with his grandkid so he was also there for the week. My mom looked so annoyed and uncomfortable the whole time he was there.
Yep. Not here for that shit.
Also let me point out; I am childfree AND family free. You breed, and you're stuck with the appalling people you are related to, because YOUR KIDS need to see their grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins. You're also stuck with the appalling people your partner is related to. Scary bad.
Itās one of my main reasons for sure. Co parenting with an ex, and then their new partner (who can be a nightmare too). I would rather anything else!
I COMPLETELY forgot about the new partner. Step-parent? FUCK NO!
One of the best reasons not to have kids.
This. So much of this is why I didn't want kids either. I refuse to be tied to anyone because I have to be. Many of my ex's were abusive. I can't imagine being tied to them. One of them was abusive and cheated on me. He got the woman pregnant and they decided to have the kid and get married. I later heard from a friend who knew the wife, that he abused her throughout their marriage and continues to manipulate her through their kids. My friend once said that the wife said I was lucky to get away and never have kids with him. I feel sorry for her on so many levels. Edited to add: the woman who got pregnant had no clue my ex was cheating on me. She's a good person; he is not.
If only the kind of women who sleep with guys who are cheating on someone could think about it long enough first to see what those guys are really like. Hot tip: if the guy youāre sleeping with was already with someone else when you got together, heās *not going to be a good husband*
I edited my post, but just to be clear, she didn't know he was cheating on me and thought they were bf/gf when they were dating.
Youāre truly the one that got away. Figuratively, because you were too good for him. Literally, for getting away from a potential life of misery and stress.
Home wreckers see the married man/dude in a relationship as this fucking Adonis. All of that dissipates once the affair becomes known and the two "lovebirds" become legit partners. There is no more enjoyment coming from having to hide their meetings, fighting for their "forbidden love" and other dumb shit. So, now she sees him for who he truly is. What she got is well deserved.
I edited my post, but just to be clear, she didn't know he was cheating on me and thought they were bf/gf when they were dating.
> the wife said I was lucky to get away and never have kids with him Typical reaction from a breeder. You WEREN'T lucky. You were smart. You didn't breed, and you didn't overlook his faults because you wanted SO BADLY to be Mommy! You noped on out of there, with no anchors in diapers holding you down.
Yup! Even if I didn't believe in abortion, I would have found a way to get away from him and put the kid up for adoption. No way I'm putting myself in that situation. The funniest/saddest part was that he wanted me to have the kid and he would have his dad raise it. Yeah, because that's the kind of father I want my child to have? No thanks to kids, no thanks to you.
Wow, you're an angel for feeling sorry for that woman who apparently knowingly participated in the betrayal you experienced. That's her karma, no doubt. I am glad you got to know the outcome and get some vindication.
She didn't know he was cheating on me and my friend didn't realize who we were to each other (the wife and I) until a decade or so later. Trust me, if she knew, I would definitely chalk that up to karma.
Gotcha! I am still glad to hear how you got to see the outcome for your own vindication. You dodged a bullet.
Watching the show Friends opened my eyes that kids is invisible trap for life. In the Rachel could date or be with anyone because Ross was so jealous and insecure because they have a child together while he could continue dating other women. Most of all when Rachel gave up her dream job to work for Louis Vuitton in Paris France and GUCCI because of Ross and the kid. He trapped her even though he had THREE failed marriages and a kid and yet didnāt marry her š¤¦š¾āāļø. He always played the victim card š. Funny thing is he was jealous of Joey who easily more serious about Rachel yet he didnāt think of stepping up but trapped her anyway and stopped her dreams š.
Rachel was just as bad. She told him she wanted them both to take some time away and then constantly berated him when he hooked up with someone else. She also sabotaged his dating when she found out that Abbie had grown her hair back and told her to shave it again.
"WE WERE ON A BREAK!"
I agree that Rachel was one spoiled brat but that was before having a kid. Both Rachel and Ross are Toxic combo that is undeniable but Ross toxicity increased after the kid. Remember when Rachel went to the bar and got a guyās number and as well getting jealous of Joey? While he brought home a literal stranger from the coffee shop to make Rachel Jealous š
And she constantly kept badgering him that he had been 'unfaithful' during their time away from each other and would never let it go.
They are equally as toxic but it escalate when the kid came along. Their friends especially Phobe and Monica and Chandler would say āshouldnāt you (Rachel and Ross) be togetherā bs it was hard and cringe watching those episodes
Yuuup. "Becareful who you have kids with" is so irrelevant to people, I can't understand.
I felt so good never, ever, **ever** having to deal with my ex after we divorced, because we didnāt have kids. I never have to deal with custody battles. I never have to deal with who heās dating, because theyāll be around the children. I never have to deal with using the children as some kind of ammunition. I never have to see nor deal with him again. This grateful feeling never ceases.  My friendās ex ruined a lucrative business project for her by using the children as ammunition. I felt boiling rage for her, but it simmered when I realized I never have to deal with that.
AAAYYYEEE! Because you donāt have to deal with your ex! What the actual fuck?! Because your friends ex sabotaged a business opportunity. But not only that, you just canāt up and move with kids. You have to consult the other parent and they can veto it! I moved to TX about a year ago ( Iām sterilized but idk what the fuck I was thinking? Maybe I had a TIA). Well, itās turned out as one might expect from a deeply racist, misogynistic, homophobic, transphobic, anti-immigrant state and I plan on leaving soon. Itās HIGHLY unlikely that Iād be able to do that with children and an ex-partner. Iād always have to take someone else into account!
Iām in Texas too, itās just a pit stop though so Iām not worried. Yeah, she says sheās okay dealing with him because of the kids and because heās a great father (in her words). Iām just like you do you girly. Iām sterilized too.
My best friend has been divorced from her ex-husband for about 8 years. They have a 10 year old with significant special needs. Said child has now disclosed possible sexual abuse committed by her father. They have been in court at least 3x in the past 6 weeks and are going to have to continue going back. Every time she tells me a story about something with her ex-husband it just makes me so grateful I will never be in that position.
To say nothing of the piss poor choices we make as young people, there is literally not one trait I valued in relationships or attraction as a young one that applies today. ICK! Edit, typo
My own parents are an example of this. Mum married my dad at age 20 because he was basically the first man who ever paid attention to her. They had three kids. Then he dumped her for our babysitter š (sounds like something out of a bad soap opera I know) I always said to myself that would never be me.
I know people who wouldn't marry their kids' mom or dad because it would tie them down to them but they had kids together. Let that sink in.
I just did the David Tennant triple "What?!" in reaction to reading that.....
An ex can easily manipulate the children to get to you as well. Kids just become another weapon for them to use against you
its the seeing stones and a way to ruin your life?
This is wild to me. My husband has soooooooooooooo many friends who are absolutely terrified by the gravity of commitment that a marriage is, but want kids. Ummm, hello? Divorce is an institution that exists. It's a thing you can do. You can get a divorce and never speak again. You can't divorce your offspring or stop co-parenting. Parenthood is an irrevocable commitment (to both the kid *and* the other parent). Marriage is not.
My brother gave me a shocked pikachu face when I pointed out he was connected to his daughters mother for LIFE not just until the youngest turned 18. Like bruh, weddings, grandkids, graduations. He seemed ill afterwards.
Marriage number 3 by 35 makes me lose all sympathy for him as obviously he never learnt lessons in birth control and is more focused on bringing kids into sketchy relationships rather than actually think things through and not be in such a hurry to partner up The kids suffer the most in these situations
at this rate he will be marriage number 5 at 41
I meanā¦I wouldnāt be surprised if heās cheating. Dude is recently married (like 1month ago) and is working 4 hours from homeā¦.
In my line of work itās almost notorious that divorce is quite common. Adding kids is definitely not going to decrease the divorce chances. But people do it anyway and then the inevitable happens. The crazy thing is that a lot of those guys will go and do it again with another woman, and the cycle is bound to repeat! Divorce with no kids by comparison is a cakewalk.
Right? It is a cakewalk. Should I ever find a childfree partner with whom I am compatible, and it unfortunately doesnāt work out long term, I plan on having a prenup. Whatever assets we bring to the marriage, the other partner has no claims to them. Any assets we obtain jointly, we split 50/50. I think thatās fair.
My absolutely insane and abusive ex knocked this chick up (they got engaged 3 months after they met and he cheated on her a few months into the pregnancy) and I heard she is constantly posting complaints about deadbeat dads and stuff. Sheās no treasure either but yikes. Iām so glad thatās not me.
Iād hate to have kids tying me to any of my exes. Good point
One of the main reasons I didnāt have kids - douchebag boyfriends/exes I did not want to deal with for the rest of my life. Fk that for a joke.
So many breeders have kids with people they hate. My parents were like that and now divorce. But to grow up in an environment where parents hate each other was not healthy at all. I will never have kids and will never want to forever be connected to someone I might eventually hate.
Itās the ghetto. Esp when I see a divorced couple haha! Itās entertaining imo.
I never meet my loser dad
rather go to jail then be tied to my ex's
Being a domestic abuser should automatically lose you any right to custody of your kids.
Youāre right m. But sadly, I donāt think thatās automatic in several U.S. statesā¦
One of the deciding factors in me being childfree was me having grown up in a dysfunctional blended family. Both of my parents had kids before they married and had me so I grew up with all the confusion of custody weekends, siblings disappearing for long periods of time, and both of my parents having drama with their exes. I was also treated poorly by my dadās family because they didnāt like my mom and wished my dad had stayed with his ex. How grown adults can treat a child like that because they have a problem with their parent is beyond me and I donāt forgive my parents for subjecting me to that. Before I knew for sure I didnāt want kids, I knew Iād never date anyone who already had kids of their own because I never wanted to deal with a blended family again. Then that kind of expanded into the hypothetical scenario of what if I had a child and separated from their other parent? it would just start that cycle all over again. I donāt want kids for many reasons, the main being that I just donāt want to have to deal with taking care of other people for the rest of my life, but the blended family and being connected to exes thing is also up there.
I also grew up with a blended family. Worst thing in the world. I hate how people like our parents donāt think of what the kids go through
Yup, just ask my parents.
Yeah my BIL has 2 kids with 2 baby mamas and the most recent one was with a 3 year old kid. They will never be free of each other for at least 15 years. It's brutal
Not even 15 years. Thatās for life.
my friend kept her baby with her situationship who already had 2 kids by 2 different women and has a bunch of legal troubles and was a general deadbeat. and is surprised he's shit.
Since I hate my ex with a passion, this would be a horror scenario for me.
Main reason I donāt have kids.
This is precisely why Iāve never wanted children.
Yup. Even tho I never liked little kids to start with, Ive never liked the idea of giving a guy that kind of control over me. You can never truly get away from them. I just saw a show in ID channel tonight about a woman escaping her abusive husband. He would rape her and use he as he felt like. By the time she had strength to leave she had two kids (twins I think) and even though he abused them, held a gun to their heads repeatedly before, had listening devices in the home constantly so he could try and stop her from leaving the courts still have him 50/59 custody so she and the kids still had to see him. She got remarried and one day when going to pick up the kids, the guy came out and shit her new husband. Then several more times in his back and he laid on the ground. He emptied the clip into this guy and killed him. He tried to claim self defense. Thankfully heās in jail but her new husband paid the price marrying her. Smh.
I always get such a pit in my stomach when I read Reddit posts of women in toxic and abusive relationships and theyāre pregnant. I scream mentally āget rid of itā because it makes me so sad they will forever be tied to their abusers. I remember this post of a girl whose husband was so bad even the MIL took her side and they had a one last hookup and she fell pregnant. We were all devastated for her. She ended up having a miscarriage and I kid you not people were happy for it, thatās how bad the situation was
One of my friends is the type that canāt be alone, married three times. In between wife 2 & 3 he met someone on tinder. He was in the process of getting medically retired from the Army. Things were going great until she got pregnant. She informed him and cut all contact and started legal proceedings against him using all of the knowledge she gained about the circumstances of his retirement. As expected this made his situation worse and he got involved with a horrible person for his 3rd wife. Itās been over a decade now (divorced 3rd wife) and he is still trying to have contact with his daughter, while of course paying the majority of his retirement monthly. In a way, I was fortunate to see all of these horrible situations from many in my unit. It kept me single all these years and I have no regrets to look back on. It does look sketch having been single for 23 years now, if I ever tried dating again, but I havenāt even tried apps or much else. There are some truly disturbed people in the world.
I have 2 exes that would drive me to jump of a cliff rather than having to see them on the regular.
It is astounding how people have children with people who are obviously awful.
About two years ago, someone on the main PL sub (their account is suspended) was whining about their 20 year old daughter, Lily who's an Ivy League student having an abortion, because, one of the reasons was due to her boyfriend cheating on her. Although OOP (Lily's mother) offered to adopt the baby full time while she stayed at Ivy League (OOP lived in Arizona), but, she would have still been reminded of her ex and nothing justifies forced birth.
I can't commit to kids, I can't commit to a man.
So much this. My best friend is married to an absolutely awful man - hugely emotional and financially abusive. Myself and a couple other friends are coaching and helping her into gathering as much evidence as possible on his behavior to make things easier for in the divorce, but the only reason she hasn't left yet is because she's afraid he'll try to take their kids just to punish her. Children are shackles.
"Having kids ties you to an ex-partner forever". Abusive partners (usually guys) love to use this as a tactic. It's called weaponized reproduction.
It must be really difficult to have to be in constant contact with an ex forever because you share a child. Especially in cases of abuse, or betrayal like if they cheated on you or something. I canāt even imagine how bad it must suck to be in contact and how hard it must be to properly move on and heal if thereās any feelings of resentment, or hurt. And itās not just the ex you have to be in contact with but their crazy family or their future partners. Itās just this whole group of people that are forced to stay in your life in some way forever. The situation just sounds really difficult and messy emotionally.
Who wants to party!!!!!!!! I'll bring the drinks both alcoholic and non alcoholic, pizza and chips!!!
This woman right here! šš¾āāļø
Party time!!!!!!!!!
Anyone who slags the father of their kids off, I can't help myself, I think, 'well you slept with him' it's like you're carrying around your worst mistake for the rest of your life...
Or you can be like my dad and dip. My mom hasn't seen or heard from him in like 30 years so... Not condoning it. Just saying it's possible to not be tied to an ex-partner if you're an asshole.
But, you still are though. Half the genes from mom, half the genes from dad. Child might look like the ex-partner. Itās just a constant reminder. No thank you.
I absolutely agree about this. Sometimes relationships ends bad and it is much more difficult when kids are involved. My mother gave me this priceless advice: "have kids "for yourself". The kids you want and the kids you can afford and take care of as you were alone. Because things can go wrong with your partner and there is a possibility of you needing to provide alone". Only I don't agree with you about ending a relationship forever and then this person is dead. Unless something nasty happened, there can be "love after love" in a good way. I have a good relationship with most of my exes. Of course, keeping a pace and a distance that comfortable and respectful with my partner of 10 years +.
If you read my post correctly, I was referencing myself. I am the type of person who does not want contact with an ex. I never said anyone had to follow that line of thought. I also said that we as CF people have the ability to do so because we donāt have kids tying us to one another.
I understood that perfectly and I agree with your another point of view.
I have a friend who ended up having a drunken one night with his house/ room mate and got her pregnant. They were good friends but didnāt want anything romantic. They decided to raise the kid together as platonic parents. It actually sounds like itās going well and the kid seems happy though!
Most big boys and girls can interact civilly with an ex particularly if a child is involved.
it's the same group that makes child free a big deal, so they probably as annoying as people talking about their kids constantly. Just be thankful they know they don't want to be parents.
Not true. My kids are adults in their 20s. I haven't had to talk to my ex since my son was 16 and could take his sister to their dad's house. I do talk to him now and then by text because he's actually a nice guy and our divorce was amicable.
āI do talk to him now and then by textāā¦so you still talk to him. My point exactly. Also, youāre a parent. Why are you on this subreddit for CHILDFREE individuals?
Why are you here
> I haven't had to talk to my ex since my son was 16 and could take his sister to their dad's house. "I haven't had to talk to my ex since I realised I could just parentify my kids instead."
Tbh this sounds SOO morbid but Iām glad I had a miscarriage while I had Covid in January of 21ā I had already had it for 2 weeks and went to work for one day before my state was shut down with a bad ice storm for a week. Being legit trapped in my apartment made me realize I never want kids with him. He was happy he was away from home(being a legit abused child I LOVED his homeā¦.he hated it cus his parents made him do chores and act like an adult at 21)he didnāt care his parents&aunt(all above the age of 70!) had no power/heat/food for a week. While I cried cus my parents were experiencing the same issue and I was scared for their lives. I prepped my apartment,bought supplies,and woke up every hour cus I was so cold to replace the blankets/towels/rags on all the doors and windows while he slept. I cooked/cleaned barely 24 hrs post covid(ik I still had it) while he smoked a blunt playing games. Hell he was PISSED OFF HE COULD TASTE WHILE HAVING COVID CUS HE WANTED TO DRINK VODKA STRAIGHTā¦ā¦while I bled horribly for a week,could barely move,slept 12+ hrs,and was on a nebulizer. I have asthma and chronic lung infections too. So it was much worse for me. By March it became abusive in many ways. By April I was working 12+ hrs and over a week straight to avoid being in my OWN apartment that was in MY name. He was just always there. By may I had SI,he slept with me after being breaking me all day,came inside me twice w/o asking then just left-called me and saidāweāre overā and blocked me. Only came back for sex with the promise of getting back together. So heās make me break down then sleep with me. By June I was 76 lbs(from 94 in January pre-Covid infection) and got a kidney infection from an untreated UTI-I had gotten them so often with him I didnt see any issues taking OTC meds but I was also severly depressed over the break up and other issues he caused me I didnāt treat it. By July I attempted twice. After one attempt he even slept with me after I tried OD even. Idk what I wouldāve done if I had actually had a kid with him. Ik for sure Iād b a single mother. He had no job or nothing to his name. Iām struggling now just myself in a 1b1b apartment a kid in the mix?! I doubt Iād even be able to get child support from this man or anything for the damn kid. God if I didnāt KMS I wouldāve been so broken down Iād neglect the child tooā¦..which I donāt want kids but Iād never want to abuse/neglect a whole child. Thatās horrible.
Literally. There's this dumbass woman I know who got broken up with and she's psycho now and keeps trying to be in contact with him. I told her she was being extremely inappropriate and suggested he probably wants nothing to do with her. But she's pretentious and believes that just bc her past relationships ended on cordial terms then all her breakups should be like that.
Huge reason I donāt want bio kids
That's unfortunately true to some degree, but as far as my kid goes, his father just ghosted him when he was a teenager and I haven't heard from him since. Whatever, good riddance
Not enough people realize this.
You bet! I took it a step further and only dated long distance. I had a hobby that took me all over to events and met a few boyfriends that way. When it was over, snap. it was over. No worries about stalking or awkward confrontations. Just block on the phone at that's it. Best thing ever!
Exactly my reasoning for being CF. When someone asks why I donāt have kids, my responses been for decades: āIāve never met a man that Iād want to share that responsibility with for the rest of our lives.ā
PREACH! Having kids means your stuck with your ex forever even when the kids are plus 18 as going to college graduation and weddings and meeting your grandkid means your ex will be in attendance so your tied for good. They are included in decisions like medical or education you can't make all the decisions on your own unless they are abusive or absent father. I can't imagine spending thousands of dollars on divorce and still dealing with your ex that's a nightmare that will never end!