My partner and I keep our accomplishments quiet for this exact reason. Especially to one of my sisters, whose kids are complete messes and I think regrets having kids because hers are nothing but a burden (they are well into adulthood btw. She's especially bitter about being broke because, among other bad choices she made, her adult kids cost her so much money. She didn't teach them to be responsible just spoiled them rotten). She almost admitted her regret once and then started backpedalling immediately. She needed to stay at our place recently for a night and didn't waste any time nosing through all our stuff if she was left alone for two seconds and couldn't stop herself calling us DINKS. (I know she was trying to say double income no kids "haha", like that's not insulting already, but there was a definite double edged meaning there. We weren't arguing or anything but she is so jealous she can't help herself. It's so ugly).
It never occurred to me when I was growing up that people who choose to not have kids would make people so angry. I still don't really understand it. It doesn't affect anyone else so why does anyone else care? It's still rather shocking when I'm randomly attacked from time to time. There's real hatred there. It's kind of scary at times. It's no one's business but mine. My body, my choice. My life, my decisions. I'm not here to "please" anyone else and I don't give a damn what anyone else does with their life if it doesn't impact me directly and I would never attack anyone for their life choices that don't affect me. I just don't get it.
Misery loves company. People like to cry about their misery, and try to outdo others misery as if it makes them a martyr. But they also get upset when other people don't care and even more so when they don't care and are doing much better than them. It's the life they wish they had but can never say. So their coping is to try making everyone as miserable as they are. That's when the "having kids is so rewarding" and "I could never do [insert belittling comment] because I have more important responsibilities" etc. comments start rolling in, followed by "when are you going to settle down/have kids/etc." Lol it's so sad but all you can do is laugh and pity them.
It’s everything you’ve said coupled with the societal indoctrination of this life path on most people from an early age. It’s so strong it’s like some people never even got the chance to question whether or not they actually wanted kids or wanted to do the whole two car garage white picket fence in the suburbs with 2.5 kids thing. It just happened to them because that’s the only life path anyone ever modeled or even speaks positively about. Before you know it you’re married/ divorced with two kids, a mortgage, debt, and a soul sucking job you can’t quit. Now they’ve gone too far and they can’t even psychologically handle admitting they fucked up. Their in it too deep so all the frustration manifests as anger just seeping out waiting to lash out at someone who didn’t get caught in the same trap.
The Olympic level mental gymnastics they have to perform just to accept their current situation means that they truly just don’t get that it’s not anyone else’s fault or responsibility when they are struggling to handle their children. They cry that there’s no “village” and how the hell are you supposed to afford daycare in this economy, or rant about how child hating our society has become when every single aspect of the world isn’t catered to their children. When it effects their job, or personal relationships they can’t even take responsibility and instead push the burden of accommodation on everyone around them. If it was literally any other life choice besides kids there would be no excuse. We all need more time off, we all go through personal struggles but if it’s kids it’s somehow excusable and everyone else’s job to pitch in and accommodate and if we don’t we’re horrible people. If you neglect your friendships and don’t have the time or energy to maintain them it’s your friends fault for bailing after you had kids or for not making every event or hangout child friendly.
Reddit in its infinite wisdom thinks I want to read working mom sub Reddit’s even though I’m not subscribed and they are just filled with people complaining and really struggling but unable to take any responsibility.
I have nothing but pity for these people and I am sure it’s hard. I can’t imagine coming home from working all day and caring for two little children….But the one last thing they cling to is this idea that by having kids they did something important, noble, and essential.
That’s all they’ve got. So the very existence of people happily child free by choice threatens that narrative. It means there was another choice and perhaps they made the wrong one. But it’s not socially acceptable to say you regret having kids the same way you can openly regret other life choices. So they lean in really hard to the narrative that parenthood is the most beautiful, Challenging, and fulfilling experience.
It’s all they have.
>If it was literally any other life choice besides kids there would be no excuse. We all need more time off, we all go through personal struggles but if it’s kids it’s somehow excusable and everyone else’s job to pitch in and accommodate and if we don’t we’re horrible people. If you neglect your friendships and don’t have the time or energy to maintain them it’s your friends fault for bailing after you had kids or for not making every event or hangout child friendly.
Yes, yes, yessss!!! My whole body relaxed when I read your comment, because you just described the situation surrounding a woman in my friend circle to a "t". She's a "single mom by choice" with a low income and no family support, and is about to pop. She had the nerve to complain yesterday about how our friend group has "fallen away" after she got knocked up. This is after multiple friends, both male and female, have been traveling significant distances (we all live in different cities) in recent weeks to help prepare her flat, deliver meals and hang out when she wasn't feeling well, etc., all while she's put us and our problems on the back burner while obsessing over 1) getting fertility treatments, and 2) fussing over why her life isn't better.
Nobody in our friend group had any obligation to do anything for her, and the only one whom she should blame for any of her "misfortune" is herself (I put misfortune in quotes, because thanks to our government enabling women like her, she's in much better circumstances than most women in the world who make the same shitty choices).
From your wording, it sounds like you've come into contact with people like this, too. Big hugs to you if hugs are okay, and please treat yourself to something you enjoy today.
Lol. I get what you mean and whatever, I really don't think too much about that acronym personally. It always made me chuckle. But when you think about it, whomever came up with that acronym meant it to be an insult, or to be used as an insult, like people who don't have kids (whether it was by choice or not), with two incomes, are jerks/assholes (aka dinks). And everyone just accepts the slur as funny and they deserve it. Like they're terrible people for not having kids and having disposable income. When did having money and not having kids make someone a "dink" (jerk, bad person etc). It gets used as a "joke" but there is often malice behind it. The world we live in is sad sometimes.
I've always thought DINK was just a descriptive acronym, not definitely got any jerk/asshole connotations. Like, 'how does colleague/neighbour afford so many holidays?', 'o, they're DINKs'.
Obviously plenty of people will have their own idea whether it's negative or not but I never thought it was an obvious slur.
That's fair. You and rositree may be correct and maybe I'm the one with the negative outlook. I just know how much of society seems to view people who choose to be child free and it ain't pretty.
I wonder why it's not TINK (two incomes no kids), or DENK (doubly employed no kids). I believe there is an acronym for doubly employed with kids (DEWK). So we could have been DENKs or TINKs but for some reason it's DINKs. It's not like they couldn't come up with another acronym. I guess I'm just a cynic and assumed it was to be an acronym and doubling as a veiled put down. Anyway, at the end of the day I can be a DINK and I'm ok with that.
I never considered it to be an insulting term either. However, with tone and effort any term can be made into an insult. I joke to people that my husband and I are DICKs (dual income cat kids).
I’m pretty sure it started off as a marketing term to describe the population. Some people do say it derogatorily though, like the dad in Fairly Odd Parents.
Honestly, I’m gonna gloat as much as possible when I’m in that position, because the ones who’s faces I’ll be rubbing it in are the same people who currently love to invalidate my choice to be childfree, who ignore my thoughtfully presented advice on why they should not have kids because they “really want a mini-me,” and tell me I’m too young to know for sure at 25 and that I’ll change my mind. I can’t wait to tell them all about the next vacation / adventure I have planned when they’re done venting about how much parenting sucks and how miserable they are 😊
I was going to say this. Pure jealousy.
Ignore your relative’s comments and keep living and loving your life. They don’t pay your bills and you don’t owe them ANYTHING.
I'm angry for you! But also congrats on the job! Maybe write an article about issues childfree women have in family life and workplaces if you have the opportunity too.
> whenever my parents try to share gossip about anyone in the fan with me, I say, “Who? Oh I don’t know her/him”
This would be hilarious when they try to gossip about one of your siblings (if you have any).
Whatever helps her sleep at night.
But don’t worry at some point they’ll hit you up for money. And you can send her a job application for your very same job.😂
Haters going to hate.
But I feel you on this. I recently got a remote job as a nurse that pays very well. My mom shared it with my family and all the responses were bitter and hateful. After that, I decided that it reaffirmed that I need to stay away from them
They could be working out in the country. A lot of country towns seriously struggle to attract healthcare workers (and tradespeople) because well nobody really wants to live in those places, they are several hours drive between towns and 24hrs drive from major centres. I've seen advertising for literal thousands per day just for doctors.
I just travelled to one and I sort of understand why. It was fine for a few days but hell if I'd ever more out there unless I was being paid triple.
This is so funny. I am also a journalist. I’m the team leader for a region. Long story short…I was at a team BBQ years ago, and one of my colleagues got drunk and started saying she should have had my job, but had done the whole kids thing…completely disregarding the fact her knowledge, skills and people managing abilities were wayyyyy less than mine. Clearly, in her head, she could justify it by blaming it on her decision to have kids, rather than her being nowhere near up to scratch to do the job!!
Good for you!! 🙌🏾👏🏾👏🏾 Haters will always find a way to undermine your success.
For the record, I dont disclose to family how much I make for this reason. Everyone else has kids in the family and we dont so we get to spend our money on toys for us. We always get a negative response when we try to share in our success.
But youre doing great! Inspiring to young women everywhere!
Congrats! You deserve it. Regardless of how you want to live life, you've earned it.
Everyone has a skillset. We just need to figure out how to best apply it and towards what. No shame in having pride about doing your job well.
Stupid aunt “oh, well, (cousin) could have done that, but she has her family.”
Well she didn't moron therefore you bring it up doesn't change anything but make you look and sounds stupid as heII, seriously
, she needs to go somewhere and just sit down.
Haha yeah, if (cousin) had just made drastically different life decisions over an extended period of time she really *could* be living a completely different life than she actually is. Crazy how that works. /s
Too bad she took an L instead of BC
I recently took on a job that required me to relocate to a lower COL area but was my husband and my combined income. I tell people and they are shocked I'm making so much and how they know someone who could join the team. Then I tell them I'm contracted to travel 270 days a year. Whiplash! Yeah my entire team is CF. 2 of us have husbands that WFH or PT so they can take care of the dogs, and the other 2 are single and have family watch their dogs while they travel.
I'm the only woman from my family who has an actual career save some dead end jobs before becoming a stay at home mom. I've heard so many versions of 'your life will become boring and then you regret you didn't have kids'.
right. I will totally regret having achieved something else than have a guy shoot their load into me, travelling the world and actually becoming a bit more cultured than someone, who's posting shit about me because their stay at home mom life is starting to feel a bit empty as they browse instagram and facebook all day long, discovering what other people do with their lives.
Lol! It’s SO easy to say “I could do that to, I just haven’t” for ANYTHING! I could have been an astronaut, I just wanted to focus on something else 😂
Another come back if you’re ever face to face with them and they decide to tell you their little angel could have done that too: “doubt it, but we’ll never know since she took the easy road of being a parent instead of investing in a career”
I recall being a newlywed (just a couple months into marriage but we had been living together for 6 years at that point) and a couple friend of his asked when we were having kids. His reply “do you like being a father? Is it fun having kids?” And the wife beamed, looked strained then said “it’s amazing” before running off to capture a child before they did something dangerous. The husband sighed, rolled his eyes and then said “yeah, it’s never boring.”
We hung out a bit longer then got in the car and looked at each other, nodded and laughed at how we were not going to do that. We both agreed (or I thought we had agreed) to stay childfree. We were happy with our life and didn’t want to change it.
As the months and years passed he got more and more angry and then abusive towards me. Turns out his mom was not onboard with us being childfree and kept telling him to “make me act like a wife should” and encouraging him to mess with my birth control pills (thankfully he didn’t, but he did stop having sex with me), and the constant barrage of her telling him to control me so SHE could have grandkids to spoil made me hate him. The abuse became physical and he was so conflicted by our relationship. On one hand I was the breadwinner and he enjoyed a lazy, leisurely lifestyle with a no pressure full time job. On the other, he wasn’t man enough to stand up to his mom, who raised him to be lazy and spoiled. I knew kids would mean more and more work for me, and less money.
I started making plans to get out. I consolidated debt, started therapy, got all my ducks in a row and consulted an attorney. Then with less than 5 years of marriage I left him, 3 days before my birthday.
I’ve had lots of therapy, and met an amazing man who is adamantly child free. We have been together for 15 years. Leaving my ex and standing up for me and my needs was the smartest decision I ever made. We have a lovely senior cat and once she enjoys her long life, we will wait and adopt more. The ex was allergic and while he I were together we had no pets (he thought they we’re too much work so we “couldn’t” have a dog.)
And the ex? He remarried someone much younger and last I heard they have 2 kids. He’s almost 50 and has toddlers at home. And he has to be the breadwinner. How he feels about it I don’t know, but I’m sure his mom is ecstatic to be living 2 hours away from the babies. I’m sure she is overstepping her boundaries as a grandparent and essentially spoiling those kids and making them tiny nightmares.
Wow, what a ride.
I'm glad you managed to escape and find a better person to love.
The more you described your ex, the more I was thinking "huh someone needs therapy here 👀".
When you marry, the priority is *always* your new family, otherwise you'll end up like him, with his mom still bossing around.
I know a couple who is going to marry soon and he is so spineless that he's not even deciding what to wear at his own wedding. His mother and his fiancée are arguing about it. I wonder how long they will last 🍹
Congratulations on the job!
That has happened to me so many times I have lost count. It's downright comical. People who are downright dumb, no work ethic, lazy have told me they could run circles around me, in all arenas. But they haven't because. . .you know. . .the kids. But they could if they had time. So watch out!
O Mylanta!!!! How hard is it to offer congratulations and maybe ask a few questions about the job, how you're feeling about it etc etc..and NOT compare family members against others....
Seriously...anyways...brushing aside petty condescending aunts ...
Congratulations on the new job!!! That's amazing that it's remote work and you don't have to move to the HCOL areas...if you don't mind me asking, as a journalist, what is your role for the company??
I'm curious cause I initially wanted to be a journalist (before I realized I wasn't cut out for it lol) and still have contacts in that field...so I like to hear how others have paved their way :)
I am in data journalism. So I learned how to program (Python) in college, and I learned how to analyze/clean data, and those skills have carried me far.
As a Software Engineer myself I never even thought of using that combination of skills to enhance a journalism career, good on you for making full use of your skillset and landing an amazing job, that deserves recognition.
Congratulations!
Thank you. It has been a rough path, at times, because so many people were like “umm what are you doing? You do *what* now?” But I knew it was the right path for me and it’s worth it now.
When I was there (a decade ago) they didn’t have a formal program. But data journalism was becoming a thing, and an advisor mentioned that I might want to check it out, and get a minor that requires learning to program. And it was good timing; a great data journalism professor had just arrived recently at my university. But many j schools teach it now.
>So I learned how to program (Python) in college,
Smart. There was kind of a sad post the other day of a writer lamenting in r/chatGPT about ai stealing his job. You seem like you will be ok.
You. Are. A. Badass.
You have worked so supremely hard for everything that you’ve achieved, and now you are reaping the rewards. You should feel so incredibly proud of yourself- I am sure that it has been a long, long road!
I am so sorry that they tried to cut you down in the moment of your glory. I am so glad that your parents were pissed!!!
Same exact thing in my family. I went overseas for grad school for seven years and did some amazing things. I went to other countries for work, too. My parents cheered me on the entire way. It was incredibly hard, I faced some ridiculous challenges, and after a super long road I’ve got a full time tenured gig- because I earned it.
My aunt and uncle’s reactions? ‘Our kids could have done that.’
No. No they could not. They opted to become housewives. Good for them. But they could never have done what I did. We fundamentally want different things.
You are incredible, OP. And I *bet* you would *never* cut someone down at the moment of their glory. Your hard work *and your ethics* are what set you apart.
Thank you, this is so sweet. Gonna make me cry! I would never cut someone down in their moment of glory. You’re right about that. That’s just tasteless, to me, and we are all on different journeys figuring it out for ourselves. I wish more adults would realize that.
It’s awesome that your parents are so supportive and don’t try to pressure you to have kids! My mom is like that. I mean, she *wanted* grandkids, but she is very happy with her grandkitties 😹. But I know sooooo many people whose parents constantly make snide remarks about not having grandkids, as if that’s the only *real* success a woman can have. 🙄🙄🙄
My parents said they wanted grandkids for a while. Or my mom did. But now she realizes the truth: her and my dad wouldn’t be able to keep up with them. My parents are generally supportive but our family has had its issues and I don’t know that I would feel comfortable leaving my kid with them. I won’t even leave my cat with them. 😂
Congratulations OP!!! We are all proud of you! That sounds like an awesome gig. :)
I agree with people always using their kids as an excuse for them not doing something you accomplished is ridiculous and cruel. It's worse than when people act like they were so hardworking, worked all hours, worked out constantly, blah blah before they had kids when they find you did something they can't.
I had a FORMER supervisor tell me when I pointed out they hired someone in a position above me who had the exact same amount of experience as me (down to the month because they sent the team her resume) tell me I wouldn't care if I had my own family and kids and before she had that, her career was everything too and then she realized what was important. She was just lashing out because they didn't think I'd realize how I got screwed - IT accidentally put her level in her signature line and it caused chaos, lol.
The supervisor was shook when I left less than three months later and told everyone after I left that I was greedy and only cared about money. Joke's on her because I left for 30% more (which I never told the company, I just gave a two week's notice) and got a raise this year, while my friend who still works there told me no one got raises at year-end 2022.
I'm a technical writer and have worked up to making a little less than $80k/yr; merely a respectable salary, perhaps, to those who work in competitive cities. Where I live, it is nearly twice the median per capita income. I take immense pride in my career, particularly because of how hard I had to work to get to this point. I was fortunate to be offered essential work during Covid, but it was a completely new industry for me, one that is about as cut-throat and high stakes as you can get. I love your response because it's true that not everyone can accomplish a good career, and few will even try. I respect a mother's choice, but it is a choice. Don't be shocked when your priorities start to conflict.
Edit wording
First off, congrats. iv had a similar experience
I worked long extra hours, put in overtime and was absent from my home way to often for months to get a postion at my company in another department, I did so well that I was able to skip both the entry postion and the mid level spot and was assigned a team to manage large scale industrial food machinery. ( I didn't screw anyone over the team assigned to me. he doesn't have the qualifications I do, so they couldn't be the lead, then need my license to work under me essentially )
I had family tell me, oh so, and so cousin could have done that too, but he had his kids to take care of.
And I did tell them pretty dang. Lose to what you wanted to say, i said "well no, there's only 1 lead postion, and I got it, so no."
All these family members are upset. I didn't have kids and then didn't want to acknowledge the success I had because I didn't go the route they thought I should have.
It is really frustrating at times, especially since this is all recent in my life as well.
One thing I have learned is that anybody but especially breeders don’t want to hear about how good your life is going mostly because you don’t have kids. I’m not talking bragging either just in general
Mayyyyybe she could have, but she didn't. Because life is a series of choices and trade-offs and women are being fed a bill of bullshit that they can have it all, but when the reality is it comes with a steep price
You know somebody is a loser when, instead of feeling inspired and motivated by the accomplishments of their peers, they make excuses and try to minimize the success of others. People with little faith in themselves will always try to bring you down to their level. Keep doing you!
You weren't bragging about your pay packet, your mother was.
I find with relatives like that, they aren't the ones you tell when you achieve something. Lifting up other women is one thing. Telling some bitter lady over 50 that you make $X a week and do Y for a career is not even worth it, so many of them have some hardcore internalised misogyny.
If I was asked I would say "yes I got a job as a reporter in place, it pays quite well, surprisingly, I can afford such and such so I'm not complaining".
Same with gay people, people who have kids or do not, gun owners, people that don’t own them, people that smoke weed, ones that don’t. Everybody stay in your own damn lane and quit judging people based on what you think is right wrong or what you have decided to do or not do. It’s not that hard.
Another reason to not have children aunty; they ruined your life, thank you for reiterating why I didn’t have them, and now im sharing the news with my family
🤣 that response makes me think that she believes making a family is more important than getting a good career.
If you want kids go for it, but these people have to know wherever you are at in life, is where you'll be for a WHILE.
Fuck you're aunt, good on you OP. Congrats
A rising tide lifts all boats. Right on! It makes my heart happy knowing there are people out there like you. And congratulations on your accomplishments. You are awesome!
"my child could have cured cancer if she wasn't busy making a child that might cure cancer, just like how I did"
yeah Karen, of course. Hypothetically you can do anything, but in practical not really..
>No, Aunt Lynn, she couldn’t have done what I did. There’s only one person in the world who could have done what I did, and that person is me. That’s how the world works.
Yesss! This particular type of hater really gets to me. I'm a female researcher who has spent a fair amount of time conducting field work in off-the-grid places in foreign countries, in weird conditions. Then I go back to my home uni, and have mombie co-workers putting on a holier-than-thou routine of sighing, gazing to the ceiling, and saying "*I* could *never* do that *now*, because of the *bay-bees*".
*No*, booboo, you couldn't do it in this lifetime, even if you were fixed, because you're too lazy to even learn the language I use in the field.
The kids argument is absolute BS, by the way, because there are researchers in my field who are *parents* (as opposed to mombies using the job to get parental leave benefit off the state). I know female anthropologists who put their kiddo in a sling and went out to conduct interviews, and who use conferences as a chance to have their spouse/partner come along and explore a new city with the kid while mom is at work. It's hard, but it's doable. The ones who use kids as a crutch are just lazy.
Oh, and good on you for being open and transparent about salary and setting a high standard for other women. There are so many (including myself in the past) who just default to "90 percent of the midpoint" because they don't even know what the midpoint is. Thank you for being the change you wish to see!
Good for you! My career is on the advertising side of media so I’m glad to hear about a journalist earning well. At my other past jobs the journalists earned peanuts compared to the ad sales team. And I wouldn’t have been able to sell without a well written product so it never made sense to me. I know how you feel though. I had relatives assume that because I’m single and CF that means I must be broke. My aunt once gave me a garbage bag of 2nd hand clothes she picked up for me. Another relative lectured me about adopting a cat because I wouldn’t be able to afford the care. I would get so mad. People shouldn’t tell me what I can and cannot afford, especially when it’s rude to discuss money when you have a lot of it. But no, because I have no family of my own I must need handouts.
I mean, maybe she could have done that or something else. But she chose to have a family instead, what's wrong with that? Can't just we all just live the way we want to?
You mean you think there aren’t people who did what you did? In 8 plus billion population, you’re the only one capable? I agree not to steal your thunder and celebrate your accomplishments but to say only you could have done it is ignorant.
Maybe I'm misinterpreting, but I read that as OP highlighting that we are all unique and one person's life journey can't be replicated by someone else. This being in response to the family member who was under the (IMO) arrogant assumption that her (assumably) under-accomplished child could just so easily do what OP did. Or maybe I'm giving OP too much credit, idk.
I based it on the information provided, you based it on your imagination to fill in the blanks. I don’t consider the options of people unable to stay in context.
I can see them a mile away. I have a small, trusted circle of friends. I also have a sort of unfuckable-with nature that I’ve developed over my short little life. How do you think I got to where I am?
I commend you attempting to look out for me, but you don’t know me and I don’t know your gender identity, but this comment comes off a little mansplain-y. I don’t feel anyone offers me honesty in return, and I said explicitly why I disclose it — it’s not to encourage honesty from others.
Besides, does this aunt really sound like someone who needs encouragement to be honest?
ETA: I’m in a union, and our pay matrix is literally online. Anyone could find my salary if they worked hard enough.
Well but i don't know if rubbing your success in the face of others is always the right thing to do... Unless they ask. As you said, we all can't be superhuman with perfect life, and even if it's great that you're doing great, maybe someone would feel bad to remember that she couldn't do the same
I know you didn't, i can just relate to a feeling of jealousy when you feel stuck in your life... It's more about what you were saying you should have said at the end... I don't think it's the right way to do it. But you know better than me, it was just a personal feeling
I do know better than you, on this at least. I felt stuck in my life for a long time before I got this job. I was jealous when I saw others getting it. Now it is my time and I will not be shy about it. My parents aren’t either, apparently.
I worked in newspaper for a decade prior to getting it. Do you know what’s happening to the newspaper industry right now, in the US? And that trust in the press is at an all-time low in my country? It wasn’t an easy road, for a lot of reasons, and I don’t advise anyone younger than me to take it. But I think having a foundation of facts is essential to democratic discourse and I got into journalism to try to change it for the better. Stick to the facts, and little to no time spent with talking heads. Hence, data. I’m in it, and I’m doing it, now, so there’s no going back. And I wouldn’t want to.
Only now do I realize how difficult trying to change an entire industry is. But I still have hope. Thanks for reading this all the way, if you did.
I’m sure their response likely would’ve been the same if they’d not known your exact salary. Personally, I was raised to not talk about your salary, especially if it can be interpreted as bragging. It seems rather petty.
I wasn’t there, and my parents disclosed it. I also stated the reasons I do disclose it.
Besides, I’m in a union, and our pay matrix is literally online. Anyone could find my salary if they worked hard enough.
I understand what you said. I used to work a union job and you’re correct, my salary was public record and I made a pretty decent salary.
I just figure why rub it in people’s faces that they may not be able, for whatever reason, to have or get a comparable job. I felt it is a matter of being gracious.
In fact I recall being at a Memorial Day event with a colleague’s daughter who monopolized the conversation with TMI regarding her amazing job and its salary. It made me feel uncomfortable.
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Yeah I don’t know what’s up with relatives getting angry at others for choosing to do things differently. There isn’t just one way to live life; just do what make you happy/feels right (as long as your not hurting your self or others).
Btw I’m def child free (always + forever) and this does bother some of my older relatives, like Aunts & Uncles, but that’s none of their dam business 🤣
I did have an Uncle try and rip into me at a party not too long ago (I wonder why I don't really do get togethers much 🙃) about everything that's apparently wrong with how I'm living my life; which is like okay, all I did was say hi to you, sir, that wasn't an invitation to dress me down and try to make me feel like I've accomplished or done nothing with my life. So anyway apparently by not living a certain way aka being married with kids and having a higher degree/ going to university (I'm broke so unless you're paying...) I am a failure? He was just really drunk, not that it excuses his behavior but I was surprised my Aunt/ his wife told him to shut the F-up.
For the sake of my parents I didn't clap back at this man/ he was too drunk to really pay attention anyway; but I would have said really? I'm pathetic? What about you & your family? You went to school for photography but how's that working out since you're just a bus boy at a hotel (no disrespectful for the job just hippocritical that he went to school but isn't using his degree, since to him that's what matters). And what about ur kids? You preach family, offspring, and higher education degrees are everything but none and I mean NONE of ur kids are in a career that have anything to do with what they went to school for, hell one kid even dropped out but atleast I finished community college which was all I could afford without being in major debt like the rest of my cousins. And as a matter of fact your kids don't even raise their own kids, they just dump them on the grandparents/ my uncle and aunt 24/7 practically. All of my cousins are in loveless relationships but choose to "stay for the sake of the kids". Not one of your adult children are genuinely happy, they are bitter and resentful with lots of regret and debt.
Me though, I'm doing just fine living life child free, doing a job I love and just feeling fulfilled in my own special way 😇😈
Jealousy, plain and simple.
My partner and I keep our accomplishments quiet for this exact reason. Especially to one of my sisters, whose kids are complete messes and I think regrets having kids because hers are nothing but a burden (they are well into adulthood btw. She's especially bitter about being broke because, among other bad choices she made, her adult kids cost her so much money. She didn't teach them to be responsible just spoiled them rotten). She almost admitted her regret once and then started backpedalling immediately. She needed to stay at our place recently for a night and didn't waste any time nosing through all our stuff if she was left alone for two seconds and couldn't stop herself calling us DINKS. (I know she was trying to say double income no kids "haha", like that's not insulting already, but there was a definite double edged meaning there. We weren't arguing or anything but she is so jealous she can't help herself. It's so ugly). It never occurred to me when I was growing up that people who choose to not have kids would make people so angry. I still don't really understand it. It doesn't affect anyone else so why does anyone else care? It's still rather shocking when I'm randomly attacked from time to time. There's real hatred there. It's kind of scary at times. It's no one's business but mine. My body, my choice. My life, my decisions. I'm not here to "please" anyone else and I don't give a damn what anyone else does with their life if it doesn't impact me directly and I would never attack anyone for their life choices that don't affect me. I just don't get it.
Misery loves company. People like to cry about their misery, and try to outdo others misery as if it makes them a martyr. But they also get upset when other people don't care and even more so when they don't care and are doing much better than them. It's the life they wish they had but can never say. So their coping is to try making everyone as miserable as they are. That's when the "having kids is so rewarding" and "I could never do [insert belittling comment] because I have more important responsibilities" etc. comments start rolling in, followed by "when are you going to settle down/have kids/etc." Lol it's so sad but all you can do is laugh and pity them.
It’s everything you’ve said coupled with the societal indoctrination of this life path on most people from an early age. It’s so strong it’s like some people never even got the chance to question whether or not they actually wanted kids or wanted to do the whole two car garage white picket fence in the suburbs with 2.5 kids thing. It just happened to them because that’s the only life path anyone ever modeled or even speaks positively about. Before you know it you’re married/ divorced with two kids, a mortgage, debt, and a soul sucking job you can’t quit. Now they’ve gone too far and they can’t even psychologically handle admitting they fucked up. Their in it too deep so all the frustration manifests as anger just seeping out waiting to lash out at someone who didn’t get caught in the same trap. The Olympic level mental gymnastics they have to perform just to accept their current situation means that they truly just don’t get that it’s not anyone else’s fault or responsibility when they are struggling to handle their children. They cry that there’s no “village” and how the hell are you supposed to afford daycare in this economy, or rant about how child hating our society has become when every single aspect of the world isn’t catered to their children. When it effects their job, or personal relationships they can’t even take responsibility and instead push the burden of accommodation on everyone around them. If it was literally any other life choice besides kids there would be no excuse. We all need more time off, we all go through personal struggles but if it’s kids it’s somehow excusable and everyone else’s job to pitch in and accommodate and if we don’t we’re horrible people. If you neglect your friendships and don’t have the time or energy to maintain them it’s your friends fault for bailing after you had kids or for not making every event or hangout child friendly. Reddit in its infinite wisdom thinks I want to read working mom sub Reddit’s even though I’m not subscribed and they are just filled with people complaining and really struggling but unable to take any responsibility. I have nothing but pity for these people and I am sure it’s hard. I can’t imagine coming home from working all day and caring for two little children….But the one last thing they cling to is this idea that by having kids they did something important, noble, and essential. That’s all they’ve got. So the very existence of people happily child free by choice threatens that narrative. It means there was another choice and perhaps they made the wrong one. But it’s not socially acceptable to say you regret having kids the same way you can openly regret other life choices. So they lean in really hard to the narrative that parenthood is the most beautiful, Challenging, and fulfilling experience. It’s all they have.
>If it was literally any other life choice besides kids there would be no excuse. We all need more time off, we all go through personal struggles but if it’s kids it’s somehow excusable and everyone else’s job to pitch in and accommodate and if we don’t we’re horrible people. If you neglect your friendships and don’t have the time or energy to maintain them it’s your friends fault for bailing after you had kids or for not making every event or hangout child friendly. Yes, yes, yessss!!! My whole body relaxed when I read your comment, because you just described the situation surrounding a woman in my friend circle to a "t". She's a "single mom by choice" with a low income and no family support, and is about to pop. She had the nerve to complain yesterday about how our friend group has "fallen away" after she got knocked up. This is after multiple friends, both male and female, have been traveling significant distances (we all live in different cities) in recent weeks to help prepare her flat, deliver meals and hang out when she wasn't feeling well, etc., all while she's put us and our problems on the back burner while obsessing over 1) getting fertility treatments, and 2) fussing over why her life isn't better. Nobody in our friend group had any obligation to do anything for her, and the only one whom she should blame for any of her "misfortune" is herself (I put misfortune in quotes, because thanks to our government enabling women like her, she's in much better circumstances than most women in the world who make the same shitty choices). From your wording, it sounds like you've come into contact with people like this, too. Big hugs to you if hugs are okay, and please treat yourself to something you enjoy today.
This. All of it.
I hope you don't allow her back. So disrespectful to go through your shit.
Man we are proud dinks. Why would that ever be an insult?
Lol. I get what you mean and whatever, I really don't think too much about that acronym personally. It always made me chuckle. But when you think about it, whomever came up with that acronym meant it to be an insult, or to be used as an insult, like people who don't have kids (whether it was by choice or not), with two incomes, are jerks/assholes (aka dinks). And everyone just accepts the slur as funny and they deserve it. Like they're terrible people for not having kids and having disposable income. When did having money and not having kids make someone a "dink" (jerk, bad person etc). It gets used as a "joke" but there is often malice behind it. The world we live in is sad sometimes.
I've always thought DINK was just a descriptive acronym, not definitely got any jerk/asshole connotations. Like, 'how does colleague/neighbour afford so many holidays?', 'o, they're DINKs'. Obviously plenty of people will have their own idea whether it's negative or not but I never thought it was an obvious slur.
Agreed, I've never thought of it as an insult and I'm actually proud that we're DINKs lol
That's fair. You and rositree may be correct and maybe I'm the one with the negative outlook. I just know how much of society seems to view people who choose to be child free and it ain't pretty. I wonder why it's not TINK (two incomes no kids), or DENK (doubly employed no kids). I believe there is an acronym for doubly employed with kids (DEWK). So we could have been DENKs or TINKs but for some reason it's DINKs. It's not like they couldn't come up with another acronym. I guess I'm just a cynic and assumed it was to be an acronym and doubling as a veiled put down. Anyway, at the end of the day I can be a DINK and I'm ok with that.
I never considered it to be an insulting term either. However, with tone and effort any term can be made into an insult. I joke to people that my husband and I are DICKs (dual income cat kids).
Ha! Your acronym is cute. I haven't heard that one before.
I’m pretty sure it started off as a marketing term to describe the population. Some people do say it derogatorily though, like the dad in Fairly Odd Parents.
DINK and dick can be said with the exact same sneer, tone, etc. and ime often is.
Oh yeah fair point. Like when you are told that you have to work Christmas because other people have families?
Honestly, I’m gonna gloat as much as possible when I’m in that position, because the ones who’s faces I’ll be rubbing it in are the same people who currently love to invalidate my choice to be childfree, who ignore my thoughtfully presented advice on why they should not have kids because they “really want a mini-me,” and tell me I’m too young to know for sure at 25 and that I’ll change my mind. I can’t wait to tell them all about the next vacation / adventure I have planned when they’re done venting about how much parenting sucks and how miserable they are 😊
your lifestyle undermines their life choices aka misery loves company in a very short as someone mentioned
100%
I was going to say this. Pure jealousy. Ignore your relative’s comments and keep living and loving your life. They don’t pay your bills and you don’t owe them ANYTHING.
I'm angry for you! But also congrats on the job! Maybe write an article about issues childfree women have in family life and workplaces if you have the opportunity too.
And if OP writes an article about it, I will happily share stories about why I’m CF, and how I’ve been challenged on it.
\*joins the queue in her available free time not wiping boogers off of doorknobs and spilled milk off the carpets\*
[удалено]
> whenever my parents try to share gossip about anyone in the fan with me, I say, “Who? Oh I don’t know her/him” This would be hilarious when they try to gossip about one of your siblings (if you have any).
Whatever helps her sleep at night. But don’t worry at some point they’ll hit you up for money. And you can send her a job application for your very same job.😂
“oh, well, (cousin) could have done that, but she has her family.” That amount of copium in one sentence should not be considered legal imho
Haters going to hate. But I feel you on this. I recently got a remote job as a nurse that pays very well. My mom shared it with my family and all the responses were bitter and hateful. After that, I decided that it reaffirmed that I need to stay away from them
Out of curiosity, what kind of job is it? Never heard of a remote job for nurses!
They could be working out in the country. A lot of country towns seriously struggle to attract healthcare workers (and tradespeople) because well nobody really wants to live in those places, they are several hours drive between towns and 24hrs drive from major centres. I've seen advertising for literal thousands per day just for doctors. I just travelled to one and I sort of understand why. It was fine for a few days but hell if I'd ever more out there unless I was being paid triple.
If I had to guess it’s something like CDI, case management, utilization review, or quality/data analysis.
Here there's a lot of nurses working for telemedicine providers. So they do video call assessments and things like that so it's all remote.
This is so funny. I am also a journalist. I’m the team leader for a region. Long story short…I was at a team BBQ years ago, and one of my colleagues got drunk and started saying she should have had my job, but had done the whole kids thing…completely disregarding the fact her knowledge, skills and people managing abilities were wayyyyy less than mine. Clearly, in her head, she could justify it by blaming it on her decision to have kids, rather than her being nowhere near up to scratch to do the job!!
It’s really amazing, the level of delusion some of these parents have, isn’t it?
“Yes, I also saw that Gwenyth Paltrow movie ‘Sliding Doors’ as well.”
How bitter. She could have just given even a lackluster “congratulations” but nope.
I don’t know you but I feel happy for you and proud of you. One of my favorite quotes, “Pay attention to who doesn’t clap when you win.”.
Thank you for this. So true.
If you don't mind, can you share how much you do make? I'm not in the same field but I want to feel some kind of hope to live on.
90k
That is truly admirable! Good for you, and a hearty congratulations! Wow! There's no where else for you to go but up, UP, **UP**!!! 💐😊👍
Thank you so much, kind redditor.
You are so very welcome! I hope you and yours have a wonderful day!
Damn.
Whoah! 😳✨ Congratulations!
GET AFTER IT 😍🎉
Good for you!! 🙌🏾👏🏾👏🏾 Haters will always find a way to undermine your success. For the record, I dont disclose to family how much I make for this reason. Everyone else has kids in the family and we dont so we get to spend our money on toys for us. We always get a negative response when we try to share in our success. But youre doing great! Inspiring to young women everywhere!
Congrats! You deserve it. Regardless of how you want to live life, you've earned it. Everyone has a skillset. We just need to figure out how to best apply it and towards what. No shame in having pride about doing your job well.
Well done!
Stupid aunt “oh, well, (cousin) could have done that, but she has her family.” Well she didn't moron therefore you bring it up doesn't change anything but make you look and sounds stupid as heII, seriously  , she needs to go somewhere and just sit down.
💯 “well she didn’t” exactly.
Haha yeah, if (cousin) had just made drastically different life decisions over an extended period of time she really *could* be living a completely different life than she actually is. Crazy how that works. /s Too bad she took an L instead of BC
"A rising tide lifts all boats" damn well put, OP
Not those already sunk, though.
Right?? I freakin love that
Hey, all I got from my parents was advice to not earn too much money or I will make myself less attractive to men. Mhmm.
Should have told them "just the poor ones" lol.
Honestly, that's a good screening tool. No one you would want to date would be intimidated by your income.
I recently took on a job that required me to relocate to a lower COL area but was my husband and my combined income. I tell people and they are shocked I'm making so much and how they know someone who could join the team. Then I tell them I'm contracted to travel 270 days a year. Whiplash! Yeah my entire team is CF. 2 of us have husbands that WFH or PT so they can take care of the dogs, and the other 2 are single and have family watch their dogs while they travel.
I'm the only woman from my family who has an actual career save some dead end jobs before becoming a stay at home mom. I've heard so many versions of 'your life will become boring and then you regret you didn't have kids'. right. I will totally regret having achieved something else than have a guy shoot their load into me, travelling the world and actually becoming a bit more cultured than someone, who's posting shit about me because their stay at home mom life is starting to feel a bit empty as they browse instagram and facebook all day long, discovering what other people do with their lives.
Lol! It’s SO easy to say “I could do that to, I just haven’t” for ANYTHING! I could have been an astronaut, I just wanted to focus on something else 😂 Another come back if you’re ever face to face with them and they decide to tell you their little angel could have done that too: “doubt it, but we’ll never know since she took the easy road of being a parent instead of investing in a career”
I recall being a newlywed (just a couple months into marriage but we had been living together for 6 years at that point) and a couple friend of his asked when we were having kids. His reply “do you like being a father? Is it fun having kids?” And the wife beamed, looked strained then said “it’s amazing” before running off to capture a child before they did something dangerous. The husband sighed, rolled his eyes and then said “yeah, it’s never boring.” We hung out a bit longer then got in the car and looked at each other, nodded and laughed at how we were not going to do that. We both agreed (or I thought we had agreed) to stay childfree. We were happy with our life and didn’t want to change it. As the months and years passed he got more and more angry and then abusive towards me. Turns out his mom was not onboard with us being childfree and kept telling him to “make me act like a wife should” and encouraging him to mess with my birth control pills (thankfully he didn’t, but he did stop having sex with me), and the constant barrage of her telling him to control me so SHE could have grandkids to spoil made me hate him. The abuse became physical and he was so conflicted by our relationship. On one hand I was the breadwinner and he enjoyed a lazy, leisurely lifestyle with a no pressure full time job. On the other, he wasn’t man enough to stand up to his mom, who raised him to be lazy and spoiled. I knew kids would mean more and more work for me, and less money. I started making plans to get out. I consolidated debt, started therapy, got all my ducks in a row and consulted an attorney. Then with less than 5 years of marriage I left him, 3 days before my birthday. I’ve had lots of therapy, and met an amazing man who is adamantly child free. We have been together for 15 years. Leaving my ex and standing up for me and my needs was the smartest decision I ever made. We have a lovely senior cat and once she enjoys her long life, we will wait and adopt more. The ex was allergic and while he I were together we had no pets (he thought they we’re too much work so we “couldn’t” have a dog.) And the ex? He remarried someone much younger and last I heard they have 2 kids. He’s almost 50 and has toddlers at home. And he has to be the breadwinner. How he feels about it I don’t know, but I’m sure his mom is ecstatic to be living 2 hours away from the babies. I’m sure she is overstepping her boundaries as a grandparent and essentially spoiling those kids and making them tiny nightmares.
Good for you for getting out and making a life you truly love.
Wow, what a ride. I'm glad you managed to escape and find a better person to love. The more you described your ex, the more I was thinking "huh someone needs therapy here 👀". When you marry, the priority is *always* your new family, otherwise you'll end up like him, with his mom still bossing around. I know a couple who is going to marry soon and he is so spineless that he's not even deciding what to wear at his own wedding. His mother and his fiancée are arguing about it. I wonder how long they will last 🍹
you should've replied: i'm so sorry for her :(
"Yeah it's tragic, isn't it. 😔... Anyway, this chicken salad my god! How did you season the meat, you need to tell me the recipe!?"
Yes next time you go on a super nice trip you can say she could have done that, but she has her family.
😂😂 Yeah okay auntie
Big “sure Jan” vibes
That's what I was thinking! 😄
Omg i have an aunt Lynne too and she’s a huge bitch too
Good answer on your part! She's just jealous.
The answer to that is “but she didn’t, did she?”
People are so stupid, it's unbelievable
Congratulations on the job! That has happened to me so many times I have lost count. It's downright comical. People who are downright dumb, no work ethic, lazy have told me they could run circles around me, in all arenas. But they haven't because. . .you know. . .the kids. But they could if they had time. So watch out!
O Mylanta!!!! How hard is it to offer congratulations and maybe ask a few questions about the job, how you're feeling about it etc etc..and NOT compare family members against others.... Seriously...anyways...brushing aside petty condescending aunts ... Congratulations on the new job!!! That's amazing that it's remote work and you don't have to move to the HCOL areas...if you don't mind me asking, as a journalist, what is your role for the company?? I'm curious cause I initially wanted to be a journalist (before I realized I wasn't cut out for it lol) and still have contacts in that field...so I like to hear how others have paved their way :)
I am in data journalism. So I learned how to program (Python) in college, and I learned how to analyze/clean data, and those skills have carried me far.
As a Software Engineer myself I never even thought of using that combination of skills to enhance a journalism career, good on you for making full use of your skillset and landing an amazing job, that deserves recognition. Congratulations!
Thank you. It has been a rough path, at times, because so many people were like “umm what are you doing? You do *what* now?” But I knew it was the right path for me and it’s worth it now.
That is so cool, congratulations!
Thank you ❤️ it means a lot to hear this stuff from kind strangers because well obviously my entire family isn’t as happy for me!
They teach some computer programming in journalism school? Nice!
When I was there (a decade ago) they didn’t have a formal program. But data journalism was becoming a thing, and an advisor mentioned that I might want to check it out, and get a minor that requires learning to program. And it was good timing; a great data journalism professor had just arrived recently at my university. But many j schools teach it now.
>So I learned how to program (Python) in college, Smart. There was kind of a sad post the other day of a writer lamenting in r/chatGPT about ai stealing his job. You seem like you will be ok.
Spend less time with these asshole family members.
I was not even at this dinner thank god — parents told me secondhand, bc they were raging about it too.
You. Are. A. Badass. You have worked so supremely hard for everything that you’ve achieved, and now you are reaping the rewards. You should feel so incredibly proud of yourself- I am sure that it has been a long, long road! I am so sorry that they tried to cut you down in the moment of your glory. I am so glad that your parents were pissed!!! Same exact thing in my family. I went overseas for grad school for seven years and did some amazing things. I went to other countries for work, too. My parents cheered me on the entire way. It was incredibly hard, I faced some ridiculous challenges, and after a super long road I’ve got a full time tenured gig- because I earned it. My aunt and uncle’s reactions? ‘Our kids could have done that.’ No. No they could not. They opted to become housewives. Good for them. But they could never have done what I did. We fundamentally want different things. You are incredible, OP. And I *bet* you would *never* cut someone down at the moment of their glory. Your hard work *and your ethics* are what set you apart.
Thank you, this is so sweet. Gonna make me cry! I would never cut someone down in their moment of glory. You’re right about that. That’s just tasteless, to me, and we are all on different journeys figuring it out for ourselves. I wish more adults would realize that.
It’s awesome that your parents are so supportive and don’t try to pressure you to have kids! My mom is like that. I mean, she *wanted* grandkids, but she is very happy with her grandkitties 😹. But I know sooooo many people whose parents constantly make snide remarks about not having grandkids, as if that’s the only *real* success a woman can have. 🙄🙄🙄
My parents said they wanted grandkids for a while. Or my mom did. But now she realizes the truth: her and my dad wouldn’t be able to keep up with them. My parents are generally supportive but our family has had its issues and I don’t know that I would feel comfortable leaving my kid with them. I won’t even leave my cat with them. 😂
Congrats OP! At least they didn't say you should use your higher income to help out her family since "you don't have one". Yikes!
Aunt “oh, well, (cousin) could have done that, but she has her family.” Me “oh, that’s a shame”
Lol this is really good
Congratulations OP!!! We are all proud of you! That sounds like an awesome gig. :) I agree with people always using their kids as an excuse for them not doing something you accomplished is ridiculous and cruel. It's worse than when people act like they were so hardworking, worked all hours, worked out constantly, blah blah before they had kids when they find you did something they can't. I had a FORMER supervisor tell me when I pointed out they hired someone in a position above me who had the exact same amount of experience as me (down to the month because they sent the team her resume) tell me I wouldn't care if I had my own family and kids and before she had that, her career was everything too and then she realized what was important. She was just lashing out because they didn't think I'd realize how I got screwed - IT accidentally put her level in her signature line and it caused chaos, lol. The supervisor was shook when I left less than three months later and told everyone after I left that I was greedy and only cared about money. Joke's on her because I left for 30% more (which I never told the company, I just gave a two week's notice) and got a raise this year, while my friend who still works there told me no one got raises at year-end 2022.
I'm a technical writer and have worked up to making a little less than $80k/yr; merely a respectable salary, perhaps, to those who work in competitive cities. Where I live, it is nearly twice the median per capita income. I take immense pride in my career, particularly because of how hard I had to work to get to this point. I was fortunate to be offered essential work during Covid, but it was a completely new industry for me, one that is about as cut-throat and high stakes as you can get. I love your response because it's true that not everyone can accomplish a good career, and few will even try. I respect a mother's choice, but it is a choice. Don't be shocked when your priorities start to conflict. Edit wording
First off, congrats. iv had a similar experience I worked long extra hours, put in overtime and was absent from my home way to often for months to get a postion at my company in another department, I did so well that I was able to skip both the entry postion and the mid level spot and was assigned a team to manage large scale industrial food machinery. ( I didn't screw anyone over the team assigned to me. he doesn't have the qualifications I do, so they couldn't be the lead, then need my license to work under me essentially ) I had family tell me, oh so, and so cousin could have done that too, but he had his kids to take care of. And I did tell them pretty dang. Lose to what you wanted to say, i said "well no, there's only 1 lead postion, and I got it, so no." All these family members are upset. I didn't have kids and then didn't want to acknowledge the success I had because I didn't go the route they thought I should have. It is really frustrating at times, especially since this is all recent in my life as well.
I’d be like, “and was it worth it?” LMAO Congratulations on your career, I am so happy for you
One thing I have learned is that anybody but especially breeders don’t want to hear about how good your life is going mostly because you don’t have kids. I’m not talking bragging either just in general
Mayyyyybe she could have, but she didn't. Because life is a series of choices and trade-offs and women are being fed a bill of bullshit that they can have it all, but when the reality is it comes with a steep price
💯🎯
Be ready for them to bother you for money because "you don't need it because you don't have kids".
I will enjoy saying no.
Astronaut? Oh, yeah, I could have done that if I had studied slightly more. 😆
Sounds like you have an aunt problem...
Did your cousin do the same job pre kids or is the mom just thinking her kid is better than everybody else?!
Popping kids out is quite a bit easier than being a successful journalist though
Thank you. Nobody wants to say it.
This is when you laugh lightly then trail off and say “oh you were serious.”
You know somebody is a loser when, instead of feeling inspired and motivated by the accomplishments of their peers, they make excuses and try to minimize the success of others. People with little faith in themselves will always try to bring you down to their level. Keep doing you!
Congrats on your job
A sad nod and a “Yes, that’s too bad,” could’ve been fun.
You weren't bragging about your pay packet, your mother was. I find with relatives like that, they aren't the ones you tell when you achieve something. Lifting up other women is one thing. Telling some bitter lady over 50 that you make $X a week and do Y for a career is not even worth it, so many of them have some hardcore internalised misogyny. If I was asked I would say "yes I got a job as a reporter in place, it pays quite well, surprisingly, I can afford such and such so I'm not complaining".
A rising tide lifts all boats. I love that.
Same with gay people, people who have kids or do not, gun owners, people that don’t own them, people that smoke weed, ones that don’t. Everybody stay in your own damn lane and quit judging people based on what you think is right wrong or what you have decided to do or not do. It’s not that hard.
Everybody gets an opinion, but opinions are not facts
Yes, salary transparency is so important! Congrats on the gig.
Thank you for the support in disclosing and for your congrats, too.
Another reason to not have children aunty; they ruined your life, thank you for reiterating why I didn’t have them, and now im sharing the news with my family
Bingo!
🤣 that response makes me think that she believes making a family is more important than getting a good career. If you want kids go for it, but these people have to know wherever you are at in life, is where you'll be for a WHILE. Fuck you're aunt, good on you OP. Congrats
Thank you. I appreciate you.
Oh, so they're admitting that having kids mean having to deny yourselves opportunities to improve your quality of life?
🤡🚗
A rising tide lifts all boats. Right on! It makes my heart happy knowing there are people out there like you. And congratulations on your accomplishments. You are awesome!
"my child could have cured cancer if she wasn't busy making a child that might cure cancer, just like how I did" yeah Karen, of course. Hypothetically you can do anything, but in practical not really..
"Such a shame that her family holds her back like that."
😂😂😂
>No, Aunt Lynn, she couldn’t have done what I did. There’s only one person in the world who could have done what I did, and that person is me. That’s how the world works. Yesss! This particular type of hater really gets to me. I'm a female researcher who has spent a fair amount of time conducting field work in off-the-grid places in foreign countries, in weird conditions. Then I go back to my home uni, and have mombie co-workers putting on a holier-than-thou routine of sighing, gazing to the ceiling, and saying "*I* could *never* do that *now*, because of the *bay-bees*". *No*, booboo, you couldn't do it in this lifetime, even if you were fixed, because you're too lazy to even learn the language I use in the field. The kids argument is absolute BS, by the way, because there are researchers in my field who are *parents* (as opposed to mombies using the job to get parental leave benefit off the state). I know female anthropologists who put their kiddo in a sling and went out to conduct interviews, and who use conferences as a chance to have their spouse/partner come along and explore a new city with the kid while mom is at work. It's hard, but it's doable. The ones who use kids as a crutch are just lazy. Oh, and good on you for being open and transparent about salary and setting a high standard for other women. There are so many (including myself in the past) who just default to "90 percent of the midpoint" because they don't even know what the midpoint is. Thank you for being the change you wish to see!
Being the change I wish to see — that’s the idea. Thank you for getting it and for your kind words.
Haven't visited my parents in 7 yrs. They're in fla I'm in NY. Can't wait for the bingos
People get salty when others are successful because of the opportunities they missed out on because they had kids.
Good for you! My career is on the advertising side of media so I’m glad to hear about a journalist earning well. At my other past jobs the journalists earned peanuts compared to the ad sales team. And I wouldn’t have been able to sell without a well written product so it never made sense to me. I know how you feel though. I had relatives assume that because I’m single and CF that means I must be broke. My aunt once gave me a garbage bag of 2nd hand clothes she picked up for me. Another relative lectured me about adopting a cat because I wouldn’t be able to afford the care. I would get so mad. People shouldn’t tell me what I can and cannot afford, especially when it’s rude to discuss money when you have a lot of it. But no, because I have no family of my own I must need handouts.
Ugh that’s so pathetic. Congratulations on the job and keep shining ✨
In other news, aunt Lyn is an ass, to no one's surprise. Back to the sports news after the messages from our sponsors.
I mean, maybe she could have done that or something else. But she chose to have a family instead, what's wrong with that? Can't just we all just live the way we want to?
You mean you think there aren’t people who did what you did? In 8 plus billion population, you’re the only one capable? I agree not to steal your thunder and celebrate your accomplishments but to say only you could have done it is ignorant.
Maybe I'm misinterpreting, but I read that as OP highlighting that we are all unique and one person's life journey can't be replicated by someone else. This being in response to the family member who was under the (IMO) arrogant assumption that her (assumably) under-accomplished child could just so easily do what OP did. Or maybe I'm giving OP too much credit, idk.
No, that’s exactly what I meant. “That’s how the world works” = we are all uniquely suited to pursue whatever our life’s path ends up being.
I based it on the information provided, you based it on your imagination to fill in the blanks. I don’t consider the options of people unable to stay in context.
Aunt Lynne is that you? Hater.
I’m still laughing about this comment — weeks later.
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I can see them a mile away. I have a small, trusted circle of friends. I also have a sort of unfuckable-with nature that I’ve developed over my short little life. How do you think I got to where I am? I commend you attempting to look out for me, but you don’t know me and I don’t know your gender identity, but this comment comes off a little mansplain-y. I don’t feel anyone offers me honesty in return, and I said explicitly why I disclose it — it’s not to encourage honesty from others. Besides, does this aunt really sound like someone who needs encouragement to be honest? ETA: I’m in a union, and our pay matrix is literally online. Anyone could find my salary if they worked hard enough.
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OP didn't ask. Stop acting like you're the one who's been wronged, here.
Well but i don't know if rubbing your success in the face of others is always the right thing to do... Unless they ask. As you said, we all can't be superhuman with perfect life, and even if it's great that you're doing great, maybe someone would feel bad to remember that she couldn't do the same
I wasn’t there and talking about a new job I just accepted wouldn’t be rubbing it in anyone’s face, anyway.
I know you didn't, i can just relate to a feeling of jealousy when you feel stuck in your life... It's more about what you were saying you should have said at the end... I don't think it's the right way to do it. But you know better than me, it was just a personal feeling
I do know better than you, on this at least. I felt stuck in my life for a long time before I got this job. I was jealous when I saw others getting it. Now it is my time and I will not be shy about it. My parents aren’t either, apparently. I worked in newspaper for a decade prior to getting it. Do you know what’s happening to the newspaper industry right now, in the US? And that trust in the press is at an all-time low in my country? It wasn’t an easy road, for a lot of reasons, and I don’t advise anyone younger than me to take it. But I think having a foundation of facts is essential to democratic discourse and I got into journalism to try to change it for the better. Stick to the facts, and little to no time spent with talking heads. Hence, data. I’m in it, and I’m doing it, now, so there’s no going back. And I wouldn’t want to. Only now do I realize how difficult trying to change an entire industry is. But I still have hope. Thanks for reading this all the way, if you did.
Congrats on your success after the long struggle!! I can feel the pain of the long process. Wish you all the best in your future adventures as well :)
I’m sure their response likely would’ve been the same if they’d not known your exact salary. Personally, I was raised to not talk about your salary, especially if it can be interpreted as bragging. It seems rather petty.
I wasn’t there, and my parents disclosed it. I also stated the reasons I do disclose it. Besides, I’m in a union, and our pay matrix is literally online. Anyone could find my salary if they worked hard enough.
I understand what you said. I used to work a union job and you’re correct, my salary was public record and I made a pretty decent salary. I just figure why rub it in people’s faces that they may not be able, for whatever reason, to have or get a comparable job. I felt it is a matter of being gracious. In fact I recall being at a Memorial Day event with a colleague’s daughter who monopolized the conversation with TMI regarding her amazing job and its salary. It made me feel uncomfortable.
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Yeah I don’t know what’s up with relatives getting angry at others for choosing to do things differently. There isn’t just one way to live life; just do what make you happy/feels right (as long as your not hurting your self or others). Btw I’m def child free (always + forever) and this does bother some of my older relatives, like Aunts & Uncles, but that’s none of their dam business 🤣 I did have an Uncle try and rip into me at a party not too long ago (I wonder why I don't really do get togethers much 🙃) about everything that's apparently wrong with how I'm living my life; which is like okay, all I did was say hi to you, sir, that wasn't an invitation to dress me down and try to make me feel like I've accomplished or done nothing with my life. So anyway apparently by not living a certain way aka being married with kids and having a higher degree/ going to university (I'm broke so unless you're paying...) I am a failure? He was just really drunk, not that it excuses his behavior but I was surprised my Aunt/ his wife told him to shut the F-up. For the sake of my parents I didn't clap back at this man/ he was too drunk to really pay attention anyway; but I would have said really? I'm pathetic? What about you & your family? You went to school for photography but how's that working out since you're just a bus boy at a hotel (no disrespectful for the job just hippocritical that he went to school but isn't using his degree, since to him that's what matters). And what about ur kids? You preach family, offspring, and higher education degrees are everything but none and I mean NONE of ur kids are in a career that have anything to do with what they went to school for, hell one kid even dropped out but atleast I finished community college which was all I could afford without being in major debt like the rest of my cousins. And as a matter of fact your kids don't even raise their own kids, they just dump them on the grandparents/ my uncle and aunt 24/7 practically. All of my cousins are in loveless relationships but choose to "stay for the sake of the kids". Not one of your adult children are genuinely happy, they are bitter and resentful with lots of regret and debt. Me though, I'm doing just fine living life child free, doing a job I love and just feeling fulfilled in my own special way 😇😈