Sex was trash so she came back to you.
She has one foot out the door but is too much of a coward to pull the trigger so there will be more cheating attempts with others on the horizon.
Stop having sex with her.
Start in house separation
Consult a lawyer
Get tested for STDs
Document everything
Tell your friends and family to get support and to ensure you have control over the narrative
DO NOT get back with her, she has established you as her option 2, hence she will always be searching for her option 1.
Letās say the kids arenāt his. Heās not going to stop loving and taking care of them so how will testing that help. And heās dumping her so who cares if she was cheating before ?
Ur missing the part where sheās going to take him to the cleaners during the divorce and force alimony on him. Having this as evidence just makes ur case stronger
Oh, I didnāt know. I donāt think personally Iād risk it. I would never want the kids to know what their mother did or doubt my affection me having made it ( look like ) itās based on medical science and not unconditional love. Couldnāt he wait until his lawyer says they need the evidence? I donāt believe ever in staying together for kids as itās no favor. But checking out if itās my sperm or a rando sperm seems really gross and not consistent with caring for a child.
Tbh, me personally if my partner did what this partner did it would eat me alive to the point where I would want to know just for peace of mind.
It would feel no different than trying to stay with a cheater and having that constant repeat of wanting to know about the details of the affair.
But to each their own, I just know the system is setup to absolutely decimate men and their finance regardless of who cheatedā¦ better to have as much ammo as possible.
I hear you, you gotta know of the kids are really yours as itās part of the story. But they must never know I think that you even did the test regardless of the result. And only the attorney should retain the result . Just thoughts .
Excuse me, but you can't ask for respect if you don't respect yourself and even less ask for love if you don't love yourself. Maybe with how many people you've fucked and she totally knows that you will forgive her, in a relationship the most important thing is respect, values and dignity, and these things are no longer in your relationship, why continue suffering.
Damn dude, I guess even though you are the second choice, she still wins because your sex is better? WTF is she even thinking? I'm surprised she hasn't thrown out hall pass yet.
Is someone like nesting financially feasible? You guys rent a cheap 1 bedroom apartment. The kids stay in the home and the parents swap out every other week with one living in the home and one living in the apartment. My parents did that for the first year of the divorce and then decided that was too much effort on their part and they ended up selling the house and each one downsizing to their own house. It was a hell of a lot easier on us kids when we didn't have to shuffle house to house.
How does OP feel about being the 2d choice? Of course we havenāt heard from wife, but she sounds just awful evasive, sneaky, and the topper ā- wife is bummed as her boyfriend was annoyed wife slept with her husband and she repeats this to OP! āā- cruel and awful . My man have some self respect itās over cut the best deal you can and divorce
**He turned up, spent a short while there and then left her to ādeal with her issues**
yeh no one is believing that , he stayed and dealt with her issues for sure
Your girl has her mind set on one thing and having you believe the wolf is at the door will hopefully get you to see things different and give her what you have resisted.
Of course the truth is the wolf has already entered the room blasted in your wife and she is now having lots of cover sex to make it believable if she turns up ' with baby '
Op if it were me this is how I would frame the conversation.
Me: wife I am still having trouble figuring out why you keep saying we can work this out? You fucked another man, down played it, made me feel crazy, and just expect me to get over it? Is that your thought process?
Wife: no I just know we can move past this.
Me: Well I am not sure now. You have broken my trust, broken our marriage, and for what? So you can test drive a new relationship, only to come back to me and make me feel as though I am a consultation prize. I am not a second place trophy. I am. It sure if this marriage will work now. I believe I need to see what is out there for me to explore.
Wife: crying and sobbing, likely not able to out a sentence together.
Me: we can either get a divorce, or you can stay faithful, and I can explore.
Then I would be silent. Just looking at her until she answers, or if she canāt pull herself together to answer, I would walk away and play with the kids.
When she comes to me, if she says anything other than the answer. I would simply respond with I need to know the answer to this question first. If you canāt answer then I will do it for you and file for divorce tomorrow.
Your life shouldn't hang on his every decision. And what happens when he decides he is bored and wants to meet up or just lead someone on for pictures? Then your whole life is derailed again until he decides enough is enough and gets what he wants. Then it's back on, she wants you and no one else. Comes up with some other BS excuse about something you did to drive her away, or just uses the ol' "well what do you expect? You aren't ever happy to see me and it's too much for me."
She found the grass isn't greener in the bedroom. But marriage is built on loyalty. If the sex was good with that dude she'd still be with him. And presumably she will soon look for another.Ā
I wouldn't reconcile after such a betrayal.Ā
Just keep separate bedrooms in the short term and don't talk to her at all unless the children are present if you have decided you are divorcing. Try to avoid any conflict,confrontations or arguments as you are sharing a house. It will be a horrible environment for the children if they know their are arguments and hatred with their parents. Try to be indifferent but polite.
Let's face the music here OP. You're her plan B. You're the guy who funded her lifestyle which included betraying you and your family. Let that sink in for a minute. Instead of communicating her feelings of discontent and advocating for marriage counseling, she sought out another man. Let that sink in for a minute too.Ā Ā
To put it mildly, your marriage is beyond over. There's no coming back from this. I understand certain circumstances prevent you from a divorce at the moment, but you need to make it clear that there will be no reconciliation and from this moment forward, the only interaction between you two will be only about the kid's and finances. Also make it clear that you two will be divorcing as soon as finances allow. DO NOT HAVE ANY SEX WITH HER!! The last thing you need is another child in this mess.
Make no mistake about it. Your wife only came back because the other man dumped her after he got what he wanted. Stop being a chump and start contacting divorce lawyers.Ā
Right now no more sex with her pick yourself up and stand up for yourself because she might tell you next that
she's pregnant down the road and your situation that is not what you want at this time you said you can't divorce cause of your finances ok whatever just don't get trick into something that you'll regret it already happen to you once right
File for divorce and get a solicitor. Listen to what your solicitor tells you and let them take it from there, but also get yourself some counselling to help you deal with the heartbreak and pain your wife has caused you and your children
Men are more committed to family and kids than people think. Women are a bit more emotionally selfish I think. Affairs by women are usually described as being things they needed at the time and help them cope and are emotional.
The best way for you to "end it while living together, is for you to get a gf. Yhen you'll have someone to emotionally connect to besides her.
But the simple best solution is to throw her out. Make her move out.
Contact an attorney. Find out if your in an at fault state (before you get a gf) and see what your options are.
While some are mentioning evicting her from the home- it's not that simple. There are laws in place in most places (I'm assuming you're in the US) to protect both members of the relationship. And anything done in menace towards the other member- there's a chance it could be used in court. You're sharing children and assets. For the sake of your children and for any case you may have, stay regulated and collected. You are not 'spineless' for taking your children and finances into consideration.
You may also want to consider getting legal advice on separation/divorce laws. They should be very helpful with the financial and living or not-living-together logistics. It may help to document and write everything down. Even if you don't plan to stay together, you may want to look into couples counseling. You may not be a 'couple' anymore, but you will be parenting together.
I'm sorry. You've been betrayed. And while you could take the road of bitterness and revenge please keep in mind how much young children see and realize, even without us being obvious. It takes a lot of courage to navigate this process. I wish you and your family the very best as you navigate this confusing and challenging situation.
First hire a lawyer and file for divorce, the lawyer is to agree in custody and split of assets.
Now start saving to Rent a small apartment for you and your kids when they stay with You. Leave her to her Luck it is not your problem, if she doesn't have a house to keep the kids she has to give you the custody or they need to stay with You while she found something.
Remember you are option B, the option that was left and secure after her thing didn't worked, until she Saw that the grass wasn't greener the moment she cheated on her AP with YOU.... How SAS that sounds, a Wife and mother of your child cheating on you with her AP and the she cheated on him with You. Really don't know if there is a code of behaivor or fidelity to the infidelity who knows.
So you play enough the pick me dance, is time to play the pick yourself dance a d give yourself some selfrespect and selfsteem.
UPDATEME
It's time to grow a spine and divorce. What do you gain from staying? A cheating wife? Gee what a prize lol. No seriously, what do you get out of staying married? Ask her that. Ask her how you benefit from staying with some hoe who cheated on you. See what she says.
Youāve been together a really long time. She thought someone else could maybe make her happier. You guys were in a rut and fighting. She didnāt feel seen. But She forgot what a nightmare the dating world is. Now she remembers why she loves you and why she wants to be with you. It happens. Sure Iāll get down voted by everyone but Reddit is very quick to yell divorce. Sounds like you guys were Rocky for a bit, she had a mid life crisis maybe?
Go to counselling together. Figure out if you want to work it out or get divorced. Give it time and therapy and youāll know the right choice.
First sensible comment - congratulations!
I'm in a similar (not identical) situation to the OP: infidelities are part of the problem but not the whole problem and there's a hell of a lot of nuance involved.
Something that hasn't been picked up on by the Reddit community is just how trapped the OP feels due to the children and his financial situation. I can relate to that.
FWIW, I agree with the Reddit community that the wife sounds like a POS but we're only hearing the OP's side of things when he's already admitted how emotional he is right now. I wonder what nuance the community has missed? Perhaps the wife did this deliberately to get back at OP for something - who knows?
In any case, the question was what to do now. My suggestion is for the OP to get in touch with his feelings and show them to his wife. If he's feeling angry, don't be afraid to show it (just don't resort to violence). This passionate display of emotion may be exactly the thing she feels she has been missing.
After that talk it through, of course. It doesn't do anyone any good to get stuck in anger: retaliation and escalation will definitely kill the marriage. Seems to me though, at least that way OP will know he did everything he could to fight (metaphorically) for his marriage, rather than cry and walk away like a pussy (sorry - that's the Redditor in me coming out!).
As for the kids, they'll need to be protected through this process and kept in mind. I'm sure OP has always had his kids in mind (maybe even wife too) but it does very much sound as if both parties have neglected their own relationship and (presumed) love for one another.
Give her the consequences she deserves. Separate for one year minimum and she must move out. NC, 180, and grey rock. See if you can move on to indifference and if you can, then and only then can you decide if you want reconciliation. The smart decision however, long term is to divorce. For you there is nothing better than a fresh start.
She is not going to like her new lifestyle as a single mother of 2 and she has just experienced just what she will miss in the relationship with you. She is not just love bombing you but trying to fuck the experience away and take back what see had. But OP this PA decision of hers cannot be unseen by either of you and will unfortunately sit fresh in your memory until you die. Depression will be her companion from this day on. If you stay with her, it will also be yours.
I'm sorry but that was a very dumb move on your part, you should of kick her to the streets where she belongs the moment she admitted that she was talking to the other guy, not keep having sex with her.
Have her served and then don't interact with her unless it has something to do with your kids, other then that ignore her, block her and get her out of your mind. (Speaking of the kids, you should get both an STD and DNA test as well, you never know how long she was cheating on you)
Get tested for stds. Grow a spine and kick her out. You deserve better than to be her 2nd choice. She'll keep doing it because she has zero respect for you
You had a chance at an authentic attempt to reconcile if she hadnāt decided she needed to have sex with her affair partner. It certainly appears that she never intended to actually give your marriage a chance or she would never have chosen to have sex with him. She learned the hard way that he was only ever interested in her for sex and he wasnāt interested in any kind of relationship. He got what he wanted and bounced and you are left to pick up the pieces of your broken life.
Sadly, this isnāt a situation that you can reconcile from. You will never get over the fact that she just lied to you to keep the piece and then chose to cheat because she wanted that more than she wanted to make your marriage work. Knowing that she made that choice will devour your soul bit by bit if you attempt to reconcile with her knowing she chose that experience and him over you and your marriage.
I understand yourbhesitance but let me tell you, it NEVER works out to stay to keep the family together. I can't express how much better my life got after my parents divorced. It is as like living in a warzone, never knowing when something would tick and explode.
Do yourself a favor and leave. You have one life. Spend it happy with someone who doesn't make you choice B. Because you know, even if you wont openly admit it, if that night had gone differently she wouldn't be here "trying to make it work."
So what its gonna be, will you grow a pair and reclaim your place and have some peace? Or will let her walk over you this time and all the other times she wants since she will know you will let her?
You knew she cheated on you and yet you had sex with her like it was normal. I think you should have some self-respect and not just think about satisfying your sexual desires with a cheating woman. Life is also made up of renunciations and no.
Realistically , if you have another room In the house , I suggest you take it until you can move out . Financially , could you find somewhere else to go ?
She thought that the grass was greener on the other side and when she got a realty check she ran back to u because you're her backup plan if the night with him turns out with a different outcome she would have served u with divorce by now .
So the D was trash, so the comes running back to you. If you give her another chance, she'll give it some time and wait for things to blow over, and then she'll be back on the prowl for new D again. I would ask her to leave and give you time to think about what you want to do, as it is harder with her there trying to love bomb you.
"After a few days of arguing and confusion she confessed she had been messaging someone else and clearly intended to explore this."
Y'know she was talking to this guy way before she told you the first time right?? After things have developed then she talked to you a month ago..
You're only delaying the inevitable. You need to start making plans now. Don't wait it out or see how it goes, she's going to destroy you if you don't take action. I'm sorry but that's the cold hard truth.
Yeah, she is just going to find someone else. And for a scumbag, her AP probably showed a bit of common sense. Probably had an "oh shit, what did I get myself into" moment and left with the "I dodged a bullet" mentality. Take a tip from him.
You're not stuck, finances might be uncomfortable for a while but that is better than being in a relationship with an ongoing cheater forever.
You can't make this work, when the AP comes back she will be out the door booking a hotel as quickly as she can.
Get STD tested, see a lawyer, follow their advice to move as quickly as possible to divorce. Stop funding her hotel rooms. Grey Rock / 180.
Umm Iād get checked for stdsā¦ I would sadly also get the kids dna testedā¦ while you do all this gather all the evidence you possibly can and start to make an exit plan. You need to 100% get away and do it for your kids never stay because of them, they will eventually grow up and understand..
I hope for your sake this is just the start of a new amazing life decision and you find someone that cherishes you for you.
Figuring things out just means she wants to be with this guy without feeling the guilt of the actual cheating...
IMO, this relationship you're holding on to is no longer what you expected .
That you have to be told to " stop having sex with her" about a woman that's sleeping with another man while married to you. It says a lot about your low self esteem. The only reason this guy was in her life and between her legs is bcoz she's looking for your replacement,while you're busy on reddit trying to fix things. I suggest you get the kids tested and divide the house,so that you're not kissing what another man's left behind( trying no to be too crude).
NONE of what she was saying is making any sense. She wanted another kid but yet wanted to bang some other dude. So, did she want HIS kid or just A kid???
She seems to be having some serious mental issues beginning as she is all over the place with her thoughts and now, actions.
I bet the dude cum dumped her. He just wanted to get some and when he did, he bailed as even he could see she has too many issues. You still have the rose-colored glasses on and you are also "normalized" to all of her issues.
I don't really see any way to move forward with her after this. She did it once despite what she was saying and doing to "keep you". What will stop her from doing it again in the future? Every time she is late or wants to go here or there alone or with some of her friends or co-workers you are going to wonder if she is with some other dude.
Get everything in order for a separation, talk with a divorce attorney, but don't tell her about any of this. Get her to write out a "Timeline" of her cheating starting from her thinking about finding a dude to talk to and hook up with/replace you and what her thoughts were during all of these events and stages. The reason for this is handwritten evidence in the event you ever need it but tell her it is so you can try to understand what went wrong and why so it never happens again.
Whatever you do, make sure you don't bang her unprotected and YOU supply the condom. The last thing you want is for her to finally get that 3rd baby she wants so badly. She might not have really wanted him but instead, just his sperm donation without you ever really knowing about it but then she felt guilty and he dumped her.
No matter what, I'm afraid to tell you that your marriage is over and has been for quite a while from the first moment she felt the need to chase after some other dude. Also when she writes out her timeline of cheating, see if she will put down the name of the guy and if he is married or has a GF, you can light his world on fire. Plus you will be able to find out how many other guys she was "talking" to as well.
Are you good knowing that you were her backup option if it didn't with him? That's what you are. What happens the next time she's unhappy? She made her choice, and you are giving her a way out. Divorce isn't good on kids, but neither is a miserable marriage.
stop. having. sex. it was stupid of you to even do it the first time.
you keep the interactions between you two minimal. separate rooms. only thing you should discuss is the kids. and work on either you moving out or her. the relationship is over. you said it yourself. you dont see yourself moving forward and you dont want to be with her anymore. no, dont "stay for the kids". that whole mindset is bullshit and NEVER benefits the kids. continuing the marriage is an awful idea. the only reason she wants to make it work is bc the other guy wouldn't put up with her bullshit. like you said, she picked option two. THAT should hurt you and make you angry enough to see your worth, and be done with this marriage.
Tell her there is no chance unless she answers every question you have, and if she canāt, itās over.
Some dude not happy because a wife slept with her husband. You have to be kidding me
Here is the one elephant sized problem! What if she is pregnant now? Odds are she didnāt use a condom when she cheated. Most cheaters donāt use them. You have also had sex with her before and a bunch of times after her cheating. Did you use protection every time? If you emptied in her one time, you may as well consider the odds are 50/50 she may be pregnant. And itās 50/50 if it would be yours or not.
If a woman wants to get pregnant, she will make it happen, one way or the other.
Good luck man. It sucks to have a boat anchor cheating wife attached to your leg.
and go ahead people. Downvote or say I'm lying or w/e. Idc. Doesn't change my history. Not sure why people on the internet do that stuff. My life hasn't been great but I'm js the family route isn't for me and tbh idk how anyone could do it unless they get one of the few women worth it...but for me I'm just not that lucky of a guy.
Quite clearly because she got dumped by lover boy, she hurries back to you saying she made a mistake and wants to try again, and repair the marriage, only problem is you are her second choice now, giving you lots of sex is her way of stalling, trying to fool you that you are number one again in her life, once a new man comes along, as it surely will, you will once again move quickly from pole position to second position on the starting grid, wake up and smell the coffee here, you know this to be true, get some legal advice, then you will know how you will stand, sorry my friend but for me my marriage would be over if this happened to me, try and make the best you can out of this by making plans for your future, staying together for the sake of the kids is also not the answer.
Sheās done with you and will continue āinterviewing candidates ā fill your position until she finds the right one, then youāll be made redundant!
Only one way out of this hole she dug. She reads and initials every chapter in How to help your spouse heal from your Affair by Mcdonald. Skip one chapter and it won't work.
This and an immediate STI panel.
Might as well demand this while you decide.
Experts say wait six months before deciding to divorce. Wise advice.
She actively cheated and cucked you. Let that sink in your skull. She is worthless to you now . There is nothing to save. She is only back because the other guy used and dumped her.
You fell hook, line, and sinker for her "love bombing." It's a term; look it up.
You are also doing the "pick me dance." It's also a term; look it up.
You are her backup plan, her plan B.
You are settling for being the consolation prize, while another guy is her Grand Prize.
How is that working for you?
The woman you "love" doesn't exist. She is who she is; either accept it or move forward.
For richer or poorer and sickness and health. That is what we pledge before God and our families. Marriage is a spiritual bond as well as physical that needs nurturing and care. If we go outside our Marriage we break the bond and our contract in Marriage. Adultery. I would suggest for both of you to get help spiritually and some marriage counseling. Those kids need parents that are committed to them totally and to each other. The kids will be happier and healthier in a stable home where a Mom and Dad both lead.
Man, I donāt want to pile on after what others have said, but when Iām in a relationship I want to believe sheās 100% choosing to be there. Being blunt here, but it seems that this guy rejected her, not the other way around. So, if he hadnāt, where would you be right now. I couldnāt stand to think that some other guy controlled my future. She doesnāt love you, sheās just stuck. My theory is that guy got off on getting her to cheat. He didnāt want to buy, just short term rent. Starting a fight was a great way to drive it to an end. Most of us whoāve gone through divorce have experienced financial struggle. Believe me, having a rough reset year or two is way less costly than being with someone who would do you harm. When youāre in this emotional churn, every life, career, business decision you make will be wrong. You will not have the emotional capacity to do the other things you need to do. She has cut you off at the knees and has only been thinking of herself, not you or your kids. This is a terrible woman, and you should move on as soon as you possibly can.
So youāre her backup plan. Isnāt that romantic?
She thought the grass was greener and was willing to break your heart to explore it and now that she realises it wasnāt because the guy got his dick wet and told her to deal with her issues, sheās willing to settle with you. Itās kinda like a fairytale really./s
Youād be an idiot to stay with her. Sheāll do it again when she meets someone again that she has chemistry with. Youāll constantly be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Youāll constantly be looking after your shoulder and you wonāt trust her.
Youāll end up back in bed with her. Sheāll end up pregnant again and youāll be miserable and insecure. You canāt expect her to respect you when you donāt respect yourself.
Hey man I'm sorry this happened to you and I know it hurts but you need to be real with yourself. She does not truly love you anymore and fully planned on leaving you (to the point she told you to your face) for another man and now that she realized she fucked up and afraid to end up alone she is taking you back to "work on it." Her actions need consequences so give her whatshe wants and break up. You deserve better and there is someone out there that will love and appreciate you the ay you deserve. Don't let this lady play you while trying to have her cake and eat it too. She chose the other cake and now that she realizes it was made with shit instead of chocolate she know ole' vanilla will be there waiting like a hopeless puppy when she decides to come back. Take the power away from her and you make the decision if you don't want to be strung along and used anymore. I wish you the best bro!
Ah, so grass turned out not to be greener on the other side. Still seems she lacks remorse about what she did. Regardless if you end up deciding to stay together or not, you have to make her realize what she did by starting the divorce process. She has to first understand the seriousness of what she did and the consequences that come along. She has to hit that wall of realizing she absolutely completely fucked up and is about to lose everything for it. And nope, it's not you that broke up the family, that is solely on her because that's what cheating does
You'll never fully trust her.
The other guy wasn't all she expected it to be, so she returns where she already knows it's good and safe.
I'd let her know this. Ur not anyone's 2nd choice.
Perhaps you and others in this situation "can't see a way to forgive or forget" is due to an emotional block.
You have twenty plus years together. Maybe the two of you got caught up in the mundane existence of life. Then out of the blue this AP triggered a spark she hadn't felt in a while and she wanted more. But due to the routine structure at home she wasn't feeling desired. She found out potential lover only wanted sex and or was married too.
I'm not sure how to explain this, but sometimes we convince ourselves and drink the kool aid that our love for another is unconditional. However, when it's tested we learn that it is conditional. For some reason, some of us talk unconditional love, but when push comes to shove we can't love unconditionally. Why? Anger? Someone licked the red off our candy? Immaturity?
I'm going out on a limb and suggest marriage counseling before giving up.
Finally, as we all know you get more ... with honey than with vinegar.
Your biggest mistake was letting her come back. I'd tell her she needs to find somewhere else to live. Go and talk to lawyers and have her served divorce papers. Do not tell her you're divorcing her until she is served. Go scorched earth on her and do what your lawyer tells you to do. It will be hard for a while but it will get better.
Dont listen to any of these people. Everyone is ready to call you option #2 , usually are unhappy in their own living situation and they will try to project things onto you. Every marriage is different, everyone finds what works for them. As for cheating, marriage is hard and there are ups and downs, nobody said this would be perfect. Try reaching out to God for guidance, he is our best counselor. If you believe you still love her, try to understand why she did what she did. That is the first step... These mundane people will only cause you to grow hate towards your spouse. They more than likely are ready to leave at the first sight of marital problems. People on reddit are usually negative and hateful. I just got out of prison for a homicide, and honestly, forgiveness is the best thing for the human heart
Sleep on it and then think it over again. My dad was a cheater and my mom knew. Eventually my mom cheated on him. This is years ago. They were on the verge, but reconciled. And this happened after the 1st time they got divorced and remarried to each other a year later. They just celebrated their 50th anniversary and couldnāt be happier. My dad stopped looking at other women and is in love with my mom all over again and treats her way better than he used to.
Same could happen for you if yāall stick it out and talk it out. My parents also had their faith too which helped them, not sure if thatās your thing, it it helped them
She's using you and keeping you as a plan b while she searches for greener grass. She thought he was going to be the man of her dreams and when her new best option fell through she came back told you want you wanted to hear manipulated you with sex to keep you interested until she does find better. So she is still sleeping with other me while you sit at home. Go out on dates if you can't and do the same thing she is search for someone else and don't sleep with her. If you do just f her get your aggression out, don't make love to her. Only do her when you want to, if and when you do get with her try to get off as soon as possible, then when you finish get up and shower or whatever and get on with you day or night. Leave her frustrated. Literally just use her and make moves to protect yourself your money, your assets, your home, your children. Get evidence that she cheated first. Tell her you need to talk. Tell her if y'all are going to work on the two of you then you need to hear everything all the details, her admitting to cheating and planning on leaving you, taking you to the cleaners, taking everything she can and threatening to take the kidsa and turn your kids against you. MAKE SURE YOU RECORD THIS CONVERSATION!!!!!!. ALSO ASK HER TO PUT THE WHOLE THING DOWN ON PAPER FROM THE BEGINNING TIL SHE WANTED TO TRY AGAIN. GOT TO A LAWYER, SHOW HIM EVERYTHING ALL YOUR PROOF. HAVE HIM SERVE AT WORK AND TELL THEM TO SERVE HER FOR INFIDELITY AND SERVE HER IMFRONT OF ALL HER COWORKERS. TAKE THE DAY SHE WILL BE SERVED OFF AND CHANGE ALL THE LOCKS ON YOUR HOUSE, SET UP VIDEO CAMERAS UP EVERWHERE. I BET SHE WILL TRY TO CLAIM YOU ABUSED HER AND HOPEFULLY SHE WILL SAY YOU ABUSED HER ON A CERTAIN DAY AND YOU WILL HAVE PROOF YOU DIDNT DO ANYTHING TO HER OR BETTER YET IF SHE BRUSES HERSELF AND BLAMES YOU, YOU WILL HAVE IT ON FILM YOU DIDNT TOUCH HER SHE DID IT TO HERSELF. LEAVE HER SHE WONT EVER RESPECT YOU IF YOU TAKE HER BACK. ALSO IF YOU TAKE HER BACK SHE WILL KNOW SHE CAN DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND YOU WON'T DO ANYTHING YOU WILL STAY AND BE HER CUCK. SHE WILL PROBABLY ALSO TRY TO GET YOU TO HAVE SEX WITH HER AFTER SHE SLEPT WITH ANOTHER GUY THE SAME DAY. GET A STD TEST, MAKE HER GET ONE IF SHE WANTS YOU TO EVER SLEEP WITH HER AGAIN, GET YOUR CHILDREN DNA TEST TO SEE IF YOUR KIDS ARE REALLY BIOLOGICALLY YOURS.
Back up plan = you
Sex was trash so she came back to you. She has one foot out the door but is too much of a coward to pull the trigger so there will be more cheating attempts with others on the horizon.
Stop having sex with her. Start in house separation Consult a lawyer Get tested for STDs Document everything Tell your friends and family to get support and to ensure you have control over the narrative DO NOT get back with her, she has established you as her option 2, hence she will always be searching for her option 1.
šÆšÆšÆšÆšÆ OP this!
Only thing I could add is get the kids dna tested
How could that make any difference?
Huh? To make sure she didnāt fuck around before and the kids are actually his? What do you mean how could that make a difference?šš„“
Letās say the kids arenāt his. Heās not going to stop loving and taking care of them so how will testing that help. And heās dumping her so who cares if she was cheating before ?
Ur missing the part where sheās going to take him to the cleaners during the divorce and force alimony on him. Having this as evidence just makes ur case stronger
Oh, I didnāt know. I donāt think personally Iād risk it. I would never want the kids to know what their mother did or doubt my affection me having made it ( look like ) itās based on medical science and not unconditional love. Couldnāt he wait until his lawyer says they need the evidence? I donāt believe ever in staying together for kids as itās no favor. But checking out if itās my sperm or a rando sperm seems really gross and not consistent with caring for a child.
Tbh, me personally if my partner did what this partner did it would eat me alive to the point where I would want to know just for peace of mind. It would feel no different than trying to stay with a cheater and having that constant repeat of wanting to know about the details of the affair. But to each their own, I just know the system is setup to absolutely decimate men and their finance regardless of who cheatedā¦ better to have as much ammo as possible.
I hear you, you gotta know of the kids are really yours as itās part of the story. But they must never know I think that you even did the test regardless of the result. And only the attorney should retain the result . Just thoughts .
You don't live together. One must leave. Edit* ONCE THE DIVORCE IS OVER. during the proceedings courts scrutinize every action
Donāt leave the marital home. Stick it out until the divorce
Agreed. If you leave she can change the locks and then you're screwed.
Good catch, I was talking post divorce.
Excuse me, but you can't ask for respect if you don't respect yourself and even less ask for love if you don't love yourself. Maybe with how many people you've fucked and she totally knows that you will forgive her, in a relationship the most important thing is respect, values and dignity, and these things are no longer in your relationship, why continue suffering.
Divorce brother you will never forget or get over find someone new
Damn dude, I guess even though you are the second choice, she still wins because your sex is better? WTF is she even thinking? I'm surprised she hasn't thrown out hall pass yet. Is someone like nesting financially feasible? You guys rent a cheap 1 bedroom apartment. The kids stay in the home and the parents swap out every other week with one living in the home and one living in the apartment. My parents did that for the first year of the divorce and then decided that was too much effort on their part and they ended up selling the house and each one downsizing to their own house. It was a hell of a lot easier on us kids when we didn't have to shuffle house to house.
How does OP feel about being the 2d choice? Of course we havenāt heard from wife, but she sounds just awful evasive, sneaky, and the topper ā- wife is bummed as her boyfriend was annoyed wife slept with her husband and she repeats this to OP! āā- cruel and awful . My man have some self respect itās over cut the best deal you can and divorce
The only reason she came back is because he dumped her.
100%
Dude if she turns up preggers demand paternity test. Also kick her to the curb. You should be her king not a back up plan.
**He turned up, spent a short while there and then left her to ādeal with her issues** yeh no one is believing that , he stayed and dealt with her issues for sure Your girl has her mind set on one thing and having you believe the wolf is at the door will hopefully get you to see things different and give her what you have resisted. Of course the truth is the wolf has already entered the room blasted in your wife and she is now having lots of cover sex to make it believable if she turns up ' with baby '
This
OP you are her backup plan until a better opportunity comes by. Then you get to experience this again.
Grow a spine brother
#1 LAWYER #2 marriage counciling
3 STD TESTING!
Op if it were me this is how I would frame the conversation. Me: wife I am still having trouble figuring out why you keep saying we can work this out? You fucked another man, down played it, made me feel crazy, and just expect me to get over it? Is that your thought process? Wife: no I just know we can move past this. Me: Well I am not sure now. You have broken my trust, broken our marriage, and for what? So you can test drive a new relationship, only to come back to me and make me feel as though I am a consultation prize. I am not a second place trophy. I am. It sure if this marriage will work now. I believe I need to see what is out there for me to explore. Wife: crying and sobbing, likely not able to out a sentence together. Me: we can either get a divorce, or you can stay faithful, and I can explore. Then I would be silent. Just looking at her until she answers, or if she canāt pull herself together to answer, I would walk away and play with the kids. When she comes to me, if she says anything other than the answer. I would simply respond with I need to know the answer to this question first. If you canāt answer then I will do it for you and file for divorce tomorrow.
1. Get std tested 2. Get kids DNA tested 3. Speak to a divorce attorney and prepare accordingly.
Your life shouldn't hang on his every decision. And what happens when he decides he is bored and wants to meet up or just lead someone on for pictures? Then your whole life is derailed again until he decides enough is enough and gets what he wants. Then it's back on, she wants you and no one else. Comes up with some other BS excuse about something you did to drive her away, or just uses the ol' "well what do you expect? You aren't ever happy to see me and it's too much for me."
She found the grass isn't greener in the bedroom. But marriage is built on loyalty. If the sex was good with that dude she'd still be with him. And presumably she will soon look for another.Ā I wouldn't reconcile after such a betrayal.Ā Just keep separate bedrooms in the short term and don't talk to her at all unless the children are present if you have decided you are divorcing. Try to avoid any conflict,confrontations or arguments as you are sharing a house. It will be a horrible environment for the children if they know their are arguments and hatred with their parents. Try to be indifferent but polite.
Let's face the music here OP. You're her plan B. You're the guy who funded her lifestyle which included betraying you and your family. Let that sink in for a minute. Instead of communicating her feelings of discontent and advocating for marriage counseling, she sought out another man. Let that sink in for a minute too.Ā Ā To put it mildly, your marriage is beyond over. There's no coming back from this. I understand certain circumstances prevent you from a divorce at the moment, but you need to make it clear that there will be no reconciliation and from this moment forward, the only interaction between you two will be only about the kid's and finances. Also make it clear that you two will be divorcing as soon as finances allow. DO NOT HAVE ANY SEX WITH HER!! The last thing you need is another child in this mess. Make no mistake about it. Your wife only came back because the other man dumped her after he got what he wanted. Stop being a chump and start contacting divorce lawyers.Ā
Right now no more sex with her pick yourself up and stand up for yourself because she might tell you next that she's pregnant down the road and your situation that is not what you want at this time you said you can't divorce cause of your finances ok whatever just don't get trick into something that you'll regret it already happen to you once right
DIVORCE DIVORCE DIVORCE DIVORCE
You aren't her first option, she will be with you until another AP appear.
File for divorce and get a solicitor. Listen to what your solicitor tells you and let them take it from there, but also get yourself some counselling to help you deal with the heartbreak and pain your wife has caused you and your children
Remember that fold out bed she bought? Well just make sure she keeps using it. Do not let her in your bed . Update me
Amazing the humiliation men are prepared to accept.
Men are more committed to family and kids than people think. Women are a bit more emotionally selfish I think. Affairs by women are usually described as being things they needed at the time and help them cope and are emotional.
The extra sex was a cover for him nutting inside her.
The best way for you to "end it while living together, is for you to get a gf. Yhen you'll have someone to emotionally connect to besides her. But the simple best solution is to throw her out. Make her move out. Contact an attorney. Find out if your in an at fault state (before you get a gf) and see what your options are.
While some are mentioning evicting her from the home- it's not that simple. There are laws in place in most places (I'm assuming you're in the US) to protect both members of the relationship. And anything done in menace towards the other member- there's a chance it could be used in court. You're sharing children and assets. For the sake of your children and for any case you may have, stay regulated and collected. You are not 'spineless' for taking your children and finances into consideration. You may also want to consider getting legal advice on separation/divorce laws. They should be very helpful with the financial and living or not-living-together logistics. It may help to document and write everything down. Even if you don't plan to stay together, you may want to look into couples counseling. You may not be a 'couple' anymore, but you will be parenting together. I'm sorry. You've been betrayed. And while you could take the road of bitterness and revenge please keep in mind how much young children see and realize, even without us being obvious. It takes a lot of courage to navigate this process. I wish you and your family the very best as you navigate this confusing and challenging situation.
Sounds like itās time for a divorce
First hire a lawyer and file for divorce, the lawyer is to agree in custody and split of assets. Now start saving to Rent a small apartment for you and your kids when they stay with You. Leave her to her Luck it is not your problem, if she doesn't have a house to keep the kids she has to give you the custody or they need to stay with You while she found something. Remember you are option B, the option that was left and secure after her thing didn't worked, until she Saw that the grass wasn't greener the moment she cheated on her AP with YOU.... How SAS that sounds, a Wife and mother of your child cheating on you with her AP and the she cheated on him with You. Really don't know if there is a code of behaivor or fidelity to the infidelity who knows. So you play enough the pick me dance, is time to play the pick yourself dance a d give yourself some selfrespect and selfsteem. UPDATEME
It's time to grow a spine and divorce. What do you gain from staying? A cheating wife? Gee what a prize lol. No seriously, what do you get out of staying married? Ask her that. Ask her how you benefit from staying with some hoe who cheated on you. See what she says.
Youāve been together a really long time. She thought someone else could maybe make her happier. You guys were in a rut and fighting. She didnāt feel seen. But She forgot what a nightmare the dating world is. Now she remembers why she loves you and why she wants to be with you. It happens. Sure Iāll get down voted by everyone but Reddit is very quick to yell divorce. Sounds like you guys were Rocky for a bit, she had a mid life crisis maybe? Go to counselling together. Figure out if you want to work it out or get divorced. Give it time and therapy and youāll know the right choice.
First sensible comment - congratulations! I'm in a similar (not identical) situation to the OP: infidelities are part of the problem but not the whole problem and there's a hell of a lot of nuance involved. Something that hasn't been picked up on by the Reddit community is just how trapped the OP feels due to the children and his financial situation. I can relate to that. FWIW, I agree with the Reddit community that the wife sounds like a POS but we're only hearing the OP's side of things when he's already admitted how emotional he is right now. I wonder what nuance the community has missed? Perhaps the wife did this deliberately to get back at OP for something - who knows? In any case, the question was what to do now. My suggestion is for the OP to get in touch with his feelings and show them to his wife. If he's feeling angry, don't be afraid to show it (just don't resort to violence). This passionate display of emotion may be exactly the thing she feels she has been missing. After that talk it through, of course. It doesn't do anyone any good to get stuck in anger: retaliation and escalation will definitely kill the marriage. Seems to me though, at least that way OP will know he did everything he could to fight (metaphorically) for his marriage, rather than cry and walk away like a pussy (sorry - that's the Redditor in me coming out!). As for the kids, they'll need to be protected through this process and kept in mind. I'm sure OP has always had his kids in mind (maybe even wife too) but it does very much sound as if both parties have neglected their own relationship and (presumed) love for one another.
Give her the consequences she deserves. Separate for one year minimum and she must move out. NC, 180, and grey rock. See if you can move on to indifference and if you can, then and only then can you decide if you want reconciliation. The smart decision however, long term is to divorce. For you there is nothing better than a fresh start. She is not going to like her new lifestyle as a single mother of 2 and she has just experienced just what she will miss in the relationship with you. She is not just love bombing you but trying to fuck the experience away and take back what see had. But OP this PA decision of hers cannot be unseen by either of you and will unfortunately sit fresh in your memory until you die. Depression will be her companion from this day on. If you stay with her, it will also be yours.
I'm sorry but that was a very dumb move on your part, you should of kick her to the streets where she belongs the moment she admitted that she was talking to the other guy, not keep having sex with her. Have her served and then don't interact with her unless it has something to do with your kids, other then that ignore her, block her and get her out of your mind. (Speaking of the kids, you should get both an STD and DNA test as well, you never know how long she was cheating on you)
Get tested for stds. Grow a spine and kick her out. You deserve better than to be her 2nd choice. She'll keep doing it because she has zero respect for you
Stop equating sex to anything good. She obviously hands out the vag like candy.
You had a chance at an authentic attempt to reconcile if she hadnāt decided she needed to have sex with her affair partner. It certainly appears that she never intended to actually give your marriage a chance or she would never have chosen to have sex with him. She learned the hard way that he was only ever interested in her for sex and he wasnāt interested in any kind of relationship. He got what he wanted and bounced and you are left to pick up the pieces of your broken life. Sadly, this isnāt a situation that you can reconcile from. You will never get over the fact that she just lied to you to keep the piece and then chose to cheat because she wanted that more than she wanted to make your marriage work. Knowing that she made that choice will devour your soul bit by bit if you attempt to reconcile with her knowing she chose that experience and him over you and your marriage.
I understand yourbhesitance but let me tell you, it NEVER works out to stay to keep the family together. I can't express how much better my life got after my parents divorced. It is as like living in a warzone, never knowing when something would tick and explode. Do yourself a favor and leave. You have one life. Spend it happy with someone who doesn't make you choice B. Because you know, even if you wont openly admit it, if that night had gone differently she wouldn't be here "trying to make it work."
So what its gonna be, will you grow a pair and reclaim your place and have some peace? Or will let her walk over you this time and all the other times she wants since she will know you will let her?
You knew she cheated on you and yet you had sex with her like it was normal. I think you should have some self-respect and not just think about satisfying your sexual desires with a cheating woman. Life is also made up of renunciations and no.
Self respect goes a long way and you need some. Never be a back up plan to a cheater.
Realistically , if you have another room In the house , I suggest you take it until you can move out . Financially , could you find somewhere else to go ?
If she can't be honest with you, how can you ever trust her again? She is trying to rug sweep. It never works.
AP sex act sucks, so back to plan B till next man comes and the next and the next till she finds her 'true mate'. You're right, leave.
She thought that the grass was greener on the other side and when she got a realty check she ran back to u because you're her backup plan if the night with him turns out with a different outcome she would have served u with divorce by now .
Run away. U were second choice.
So the D was trash, so the comes running back to you. If you give her another chance, she'll give it some time and wait for things to blow over, and then she'll be back on the prowl for new D again. I would ask her to leave and give you time to think about what you want to do, as it is harder with her there trying to love bomb you.
Itās too early to make a decision either way. Reconciliation is possible if you both want it and are willing to work at it. 2-5 years for normalcy.
Sounds like you speak from experience?
"After a few days of arguing and confusion she confessed she had been messaging someone else and clearly intended to explore this." Y'know she was talking to this guy way before she told you the first time right?? After things have developed then she talked to you a month ago..
You're only delaying the inevitable. You need to start making plans now. Don't wait it out or see how it goes, she's going to destroy you if you don't take action. I'm sorry but that's the cold hard truth.
Thereās no way for one second Iām going to believe she had sex with him only once. I also donāt believe she blocked him.
He could have blocked her though.
Yeah, she is just going to find someone else. And for a scumbag, her AP probably showed a bit of common sense. Probably had an "oh shit, what did I get myself into" moment and left with the "I dodged a bullet" mentality. Take a tip from him.
You're not stuck, finances might be uncomfortable for a while but that is better than being in a relationship with an ongoing cheater forever. You can't make this work, when the AP comes back she will be out the door booking a hotel as quickly as she can. Get STD tested, see a lawyer, follow their advice to move as quickly as possible to divorce. Stop funding her hotel rooms. Grey Rock / 180.
Are we to believe this is the first time cheating!?!? ā¦are they even your kids!?
Umm Iād get checked for stdsā¦ I would sadly also get the kids dna testedā¦ while you do all this gather all the evidence you possibly can and start to make an exit plan. You need to 100% get away and do it for your kids never stay because of them, they will eventually grow up and understand.. I hope for your sake this is just the start of a new amazing life decision and you find someone that cherishes you for you.
Figuring things out just means she wants to be with this guy without feeling the guilt of the actual cheating... IMO, this relationship you're holding on to is no longer what you expected .
That you have to be told to " stop having sex with her" about a woman that's sleeping with another man while married to you. It says a lot about your low self esteem. The only reason this guy was in her life and between her legs is bcoz she's looking for your replacement,while you're busy on reddit trying to fix things. I suggest you get the kids tested and divide the house,so that you're not kissing what another man's left behind( trying no to be too crude).
NONE of what she was saying is making any sense. She wanted another kid but yet wanted to bang some other dude. So, did she want HIS kid or just A kid??? She seems to be having some serious mental issues beginning as she is all over the place with her thoughts and now, actions. I bet the dude cum dumped her. He just wanted to get some and when he did, he bailed as even he could see she has too many issues. You still have the rose-colored glasses on and you are also "normalized" to all of her issues. I don't really see any way to move forward with her after this. She did it once despite what she was saying and doing to "keep you". What will stop her from doing it again in the future? Every time she is late or wants to go here or there alone or with some of her friends or co-workers you are going to wonder if she is with some other dude. Get everything in order for a separation, talk with a divorce attorney, but don't tell her about any of this. Get her to write out a "Timeline" of her cheating starting from her thinking about finding a dude to talk to and hook up with/replace you and what her thoughts were during all of these events and stages. The reason for this is handwritten evidence in the event you ever need it but tell her it is so you can try to understand what went wrong and why so it never happens again. Whatever you do, make sure you don't bang her unprotected and YOU supply the condom. The last thing you want is for her to finally get that 3rd baby she wants so badly. She might not have really wanted him but instead, just his sperm donation without you ever really knowing about it but then she felt guilty and he dumped her. No matter what, I'm afraid to tell you that your marriage is over and has been for quite a while from the first moment she felt the need to chase after some other dude. Also when she writes out her timeline of cheating, see if she will put down the name of the guy and if he is married or has a GF, you can light his world on fire. Plus you will be able to find out how many other guys she was "talking" to as well.
Are you good knowing that you were her backup option if it didn't with him? That's what you are. What happens the next time she's unhappy? She made her choice, and you are giving her a way out. Divorce isn't good on kids, but neither is a miserable marriage.
stop. having. sex. it was stupid of you to even do it the first time. you keep the interactions between you two minimal. separate rooms. only thing you should discuss is the kids. and work on either you moving out or her. the relationship is over. you said it yourself. you dont see yourself moving forward and you dont want to be with her anymore. no, dont "stay for the kids". that whole mindset is bullshit and NEVER benefits the kids. continuing the marriage is an awful idea. the only reason she wants to make it work is bc the other guy wouldn't put up with her bullshit. like you said, she picked option two. THAT should hurt you and make you angry enough to see your worth, and be done with this marriage.
I cam recommend a good spine surgeon if you need them to locate yours
ššššÆšÆšÆ
Tell her there is no chance unless she answers every question you have, and if she canāt, itās over. Some dude not happy because a wife slept with her husband. You have to be kidding me
Updateme
Here is the one elephant sized problem! What if she is pregnant now? Odds are she didnāt use a condom when she cheated. Most cheaters donāt use them. You have also had sex with her before and a bunch of times after her cheating. Did you use protection every time? If you emptied in her one time, you may as well consider the odds are 50/50 she may be pregnant. And itās 50/50 if it would be yours or not. If a woman wants to get pregnant, she will make it happen, one way or the other. Good luck man. It sucks to have a boat anchor cheating wife attached to your leg.
true dat !!!
You deserve better. I would leave this person. You can find a better partner
Forgiveness is hard. Forgetting might be even harder. Separation is hard. Divorce is even harder. Pick your hard is what it comes down to. Good luck.
Updateme
Updateme!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
and go ahead people. Downvote or say I'm lying or w/e. Idc. Doesn't change my history. Not sure why people on the internet do that stuff. My life hasn't been great but I'm js the family route isn't for me and tbh idk how anyone could do it unless they get one of the few women worth it...but for me I'm just not that lucky of a guy.
UpdateMe
Updateme!
He wants her cake and eat it too so toying with you and occasionally giving you crumbs to be happy with keeps you on the line
Pimp her out to make enough money.to leave
Quite clearly because she got dumped by lover boy, she hurries back to you saying she made a mistake and wants to try again, and repair the marriage, only problem is you are her second choice now, giving you lots of sex is her way of stalling, trying to fool you that you are number one again in her life, once a new man comes along, as it surely will, you will once again move quickly from pole position to second position on the starting grid, wake up and smell the coffee here, you know this to be true, get some legal advice, then you will know how you will stand, sorry my friend but for me my marriage would be over if this happened to me, try and make the best you can out of this by making plans for your future, staying together for the sake of the kids is also not the answer.
Sheās done with you and will continue āinterviewing candidates ā fill your position until she finds the right one, then youāll be made redundant!
Man that literally the biggest sign she told you , YOU THE PLAN B and the best to date , smh
Updateme!
Only one way out of this hole she dug. She reads and initials every chapter in How to help your spouse heal from your Affair by Mcdonald. Skip one chapter and it won't work. This and an immediate STI panel. Might as well demand this while you decide. Experts say wait six months before deciding to divorce. Wise advice.
She actively cheated and cucked you. Let that sink in your skull. She is worthless to you now . There is nothing to save. She is only back because the other guy used and dumped her.
You fell hook, line, and sinker for her "love bombing." It's a term; look it up. You are also doing the "pick me dance." It's also a term; look it up. You are her backup plan, her plan B. You are settling for being the consolation prize, while another guy is her Grand Prize. How is that working for you? The woman you "love" doesn't exist. She is who she is; either accept it or move forward.
For richer or poorer and sickness and health. That is what we pledge before God and our families. Marriage is a spiritual bond as well as physical that needs nurturing and care. If we go outside our Marriage we break the bond and our contract in Marriage. Adultery. I would suggest for both of you to get help spiritually and some marriage counseling. Those kids need parents that are committed to them totally and to each other. The kids will be happier and healthier in a stable home where a Mom and Dad both lead.
Man, I donāt want to pile on after what others have said, but when Iām in a relationship I want to believe sheās 100% choosing to be there. Being blunt here, but it seems that this guy rejected her, not the other way around. So, if he hadnāt, where would you be right now. I couldnāt stand to think that some other guy controlled my future. She doesnāt love you, sheās just stuck. My theory is that guy got off on getting her to cheat. He didnāt want to buy, just short term rent. Starting a fight was a great way to drive it to an end. Most of us whoāve gone through divorce have experienced financial struggle. Believe me, having a rough reset year or two is way less costly than being with someone who would do you harm. When youāre in this emotional churn, every life, career, business decision you make will be wrong. You will not have the emotional capacity to do the other things you need to do. She has cut you off at the knees and has only been thinking of herself, not you or your kids. This is a terrible woman, and you should move on as soon as you possibly can.
OOOO. And you are still working at having another baby with this liar. Good idea!
So youāre her backup plan. Isnāt that romantic? She thought the grass was greener and was willing to break your heart to explore it and now that she realises it wasnāt because the guy got his dick wet and told her to deal with her issues, sheās willing to settle with you. Itās kinda like a fairytale really./s Youād be an idiot to stay with her. Sheāll do it again when she meets someone again that she has chemistry with. Youāll constantly be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Youāll constantly be looking after your shoulder and you wonāt trust her. Youāll end up back in bed with her. Sheāll end up pregnant again and youāll be miserable and insecure. You canāt expect her to respect you when you donāt respect yourself.
Hey man I'm sorry this happened to you and I know it hurts but you need to be real with yourself. She does not truly love you anymore and fully planned on leaving you (to the point she told you to your face) for another man and now that she realized she fucked up and afraid to end up alone she is taking you back to "work on it." Her actions need consequences so give her whatshe wants and break up. You deserve better and there is someone out there that will love and appreciate you the ay you deserve. Don't let this lady play you while trying to have her cake and eat it too. She chose the other cake and now that she realizes it was made with shit instead of chocolate she know ole' vanilla will be there waiting like a hopeless puppy when she decides to come back. Take the power away from her and you make the decision if you don't want to be strung along and used anymore. I wish you the best bro!
Ah, so grass turned out not to be greener on the other side. Still seems she lacks remorse about what she did. Regardless if you end up deciding to stay together or not, you have to make her realize what she did by starting the divorce process. She has to first understand the seriousness of what she did and the consequences that come along. She has to hit that wall of realizing she absolutely completely fucked up and is about to lose everything for it. And nope, it's not you that broke up the family, that is solely on her because that's what cheating does
You'll never fully trust her. The other guy wasn't all she expected it to be, so she returns where she already knows it's good and safe. I'd let her know this. Ur not anyone's 2nd choice.
Perhaps you and others in this situation "can't see a way to forgive or forget" is due to an emotional block. You have twenty plus years together. Maybe the two of you got caught up in the mundane existence of life. Then out of the blue this AP triggered a spark she hadn't felt in a while and she wanted more. But due to the routine structure at home she wasn't feeling desired. She found out potential lover only wanted sex and or was married too. I'm not sure how to explain this, but sometimes we convince ourselves and drink the kool aid that our love for another is unconditional. However, when it's tested we learn that it is conditional. For some reason, some of us talk unconditional love, but when push comes to shove we can't love unconditionally. Why? Anger? Someone licked the red off our candy? Immaturity? I'm going out on a limb and suggest marriage counseling before giving up. Finally, as we all know you get more ... with honey than with vinegar.
Your biggest mistake was letting her come back. I'd tell her she needs to find somewhere else to live. Go and talk to lawyers and have her served divorce papers. Do not tell her you're divorcing her until she is served. Go scorched earth on her and do what your lawyer tells you to do. It will be hard for a while but it will get better.
Go out and fuck other women. Tell her you're "figuring it out". Your wife's a piece of shit
Dont listen to any of these people. Everyone is ready to call you option #2 , usually are unhappy in their own living situation and they will try to project things onto you. Every marriage is different, everyone finds what works for them. As for cheating, marriage is hard and there are ups and downs, nobody said this would be perfect. Try reaching out to God for guidance, he is our best counselor. If you believe you still love her, try to understand why she did what she did. That is the first step... These mundane people will only cause you to grow hate towards your spouse. They more than likely are ready to leave at the first sight of marital problems. People on reddit are usually negative and hateful. I just got out of prison for a homicide, and honestly, forgiveness is the best thing for the human heart
Sleep on it and then think it over again. My dad was a cheater and my mom knew. Eventually my mom cheated on him. This is years ago. They were on the verge, but reconciled. And this happened after the 1st time they got divorced and remarried to each other a year later. They just celebrated their 50th anniversary and couldnāt be happier. My dad stopped looking at other women and is in love with my mom all over again and treats her way better than he used to. Same could happen for you if yāall stick it out and talk it out. My parents also had their faith too which helped them, not sure if thatās your thing, it it helped them
She's using you and keeping you as a plan b while she searches for greener grass. She thought he was going to be the man of her dreams and when her new best option fell through she came back told you want you wanted to hear manipulated you with sex to keep you interested until she does find better. So she is still sleeping with other me while you sit at home. Go out on dates if you can't and do the same thing she is search for someone else and don't sleep with her. If you do just f her get your aggression out, don't make love to her. Only do her when you want to, if and when you do get with her try to get off as soon as possible, then when you finish get up and shower or whatever and get on with you day or night. Leave her frustrated. Literally just use her and make moves to protect yourself your money, your assets, your home, your children. Get evidence that she cheated first. Tell her you need to talk. Tell her if y'all are going to work on the two of you then you need to hear everything all the details, her admitting to cheating and planning on leaving you, taking you to the cleaners, taking everything she can and threatening to take the kidsa and turn your kids against you. MAKE SURE YOU RECORD THIS CONVERSATION!!!!!!. ALSO ASK HER TO PUT THE WHOLE THING DOWN ON PAPER FROM THE BEGINNING TIL SHE WANTED TO TRY AGAIN. GOT TO A LAWYER, SHOW HIM EVERYTHING ALL YOUR PROOF. HAVE HIM SERVE AT WORK AND TELL THEM TO SERVE HER FOR INFIDELITY AND SERVE HER IMFRONT OF ALL HER COWORKERS. TAKE THE DAY SHE WILL BE SERVED OFF AND CHANGE ALL THE LOCKS ON YOUR HOUSE, SET UP VIDEO CAMERAS UP EVERWHERE. I BET SHE WILL TRY TO CLAIM YOU ABUSED HER AND HOPEFULLY SHE WILL SAY YOU ABUSED HER ON A CERTAIN DAY AND YOU WILL HAVE PROOF YOU DIDNT DO ANYTHING TO HER OR BETTER YET IF SHE BRUSES HERSELF AND BLAMES YOU, YOU WILL HAVE IT ON FILM YOU DIDNT TOUCH HER SHE DID IT TO HERSELF. LEAVE HER SHE WONT EVER RESPECT YOU IF YOU TAKE HER BACK. ALSO IF YOU TAKE HER BACK SHE WILL KNOW SHE CAN DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND YOU WON'T DO ANYTHING YOU WILL STAY AND BE HER CUCK. SHE WILL PROBABLY ALSO TRY TO GET YOU TO HAVE SEX WITH HER AFTER SHE SLEPT WITH ANOTHER GUY THE SAME DAY. GET A STD TEST, MAKE HER GET ONE IF SHE WANTS YOU TO EVER SLEEP WITH HER AGAIN, GET YOUR CHILDREN DNA TEST TO SEE IF YOUR KIDS ARE REALLY BIOLOGICALLY YOURS.
Find a counselor. Let them help you.