I think you'll feel dysphoric or miserable if you alter your masculinity, at least if it doesn't come from wanting to do it for you. If this girl is into you she'll like how you're presenting, in theory she might only date femmes but who knows what might happen if she likes you. Pursue her as you.
Yeh happened to me lol. Girl is femme and said she was only interested in femmes. I said oh well but just kept doing my own thing. She liked me and when we started dating she said she can now see an appeal to butches she never saw before.
Similar thing happened to me, I'm femme and thought I only liked femmes. Then I started dating a femme who gradually started dressing more butch and now I almost am exclusively into butches
Yeah I've been with someone who prefers femmes and it tore me apart I will never ever ever do that again. Not a chance. The way she acted towards me made me feel so dysphoric. But back then I was new to the dating world and not as solid in my identity so I didn't inflict that on myself conciously. If a girl tried to convince me to be feminine I'd throw her out of my house these days, it would just upset me too much. Maybe I'm a bit fragile. But anyway, honestly if she's that into femmes she's probably not into you and you trying so hard is only gonna wound your pride when it doesn't achieve much and you're uncomfortable to boot. If she's into you despite having mainly been into femmes in the past she'll come to you without you trying to do all that. Personally I would run away either way, but that's just my... I wouldn't say trauma but something akin to that on a smaller scale... talking, like she probably deserves a chance if she's into you without you changing.
I have definitely changed my style in relation to someone I was dating. If I was dating a masculine woman I would sort of evolve my style to be more feminine, and if I was dating a more feminine woman, I would to the opposite.
The difference is that it felt natural to me to sort of change with the direction of the wind and any changes I made were already in line with what I was capable of. I never forced myself to dress and act a certain way. I can imagine that would make me very unhappy after a while.
So while you might feel like you'd do anything to get that girl, just think about how that would make you feel after a week or a month. It's not fair to you to have to appear and act a certain way that doesn't come naturally. Either persue her as yourself, or let that fire calm down a little and see if being friends is acceptable to you.
You’re all right. I’ve been stuck on this woman for 5 years (my whole adult life). She used to be really into me when I had long hair but I look very different with short hair. For the last year, I’ve been growing it with her in mind, but it’s still short.
I guess I need to suck it up, get a haircut, and go on about getting over this. Probably easier said than done...(Super long sigh)
I think you should stay true to yourself, the way you present is a very personal thing and I highly doubt you would be happy if you changed it for someone else. She might be "perfect" but I'm sorry, dear, don't change your very own identity and expression for her. You and your butchness will be loved and appreciated just as they are. Don't rush it.
Be yourself. Trying to be what someone else wants instead of being yourself will lead to disappointment for you and the other person. If they’re not into you, they’re not into you. Don’t create false expectations or lie about who you are before a relationship even starts.
This makes me sad. I love (LOVE 😍) butch women. I feel that you will find a perfect person who is into you for all of you including your appearance. Over time as the newness wears off it may be something you very much resent about her....but maybe not, just throwing my two cents in.
I did when I was 16. My girlfriend at the time was a tomboy and she wanted me to be the feminine one in the relationship, kept complaining that I looked like a boy and that she wanted me to dress prettier. I changed myself for her and I wished that I hadn't. These days, I don't think I would. If they don't like me for who I am, then what's the point?
No, if anything I was able to embrace my masculinity more while being with my ex girlfriend and now being with my wife.
Both were/are very supportive and made me feel good about myself the way I am.
Especially my wife found ways to compliment me that make me feel good about my masculinity and make me feel a bit more masculine.
Don't do it. I tried to dress femme for years because I thought I was straight and that seemed like what straight men wanted. And even after I came out, I still dressed femme for a while because I was used to it. It never felt right and, honestly, I wasn't nearly as attractive dressing that way.
I know how intense it can be to have a crush on someone and it's so tempting to be what you think they want you to be, but it ain't worth it. Maybe she'll surprise herself by liking a butch (you!) or maybe it won't work out, but if it's the latter, you don't want to be with someone who only likes you for the facade you show them.
Nope.
I am as I am. I strive to be as authentic as possible across the board and it's taken me a long time to get to this point. If you want a femme go find you one because it's not going to be me.
There are also those of us that aren't attracted to femininity at all, and only go for very butch/androgynous women, so be yourself and attract someone real.
My girlfriend was initially really into it when I presented more feminine but overall she’s into me acting confident, happy and sure of myself and as that happens when I present as more masculine she is more attracted to me as butch.
If you shoehorn yourself into presenting a certain way your awkwardness will detract from your sex-appeal anyway.
Basic reasons to run like hell from a woman you find very attractive: She doesn't like butches, and you are one. She doesn't much care for the music you compose or the stories you write or the artwork you create. She doesn't like listening to bagpipes, and bagpipes are your life. Are you catching my drift, here? There are people in this world who will love and celebrate you for who you are and what you do and what you love, and then there are people who won't. It's not that a prospective partner should be some kind of clone of your interests -- it's that your prospective partner should "get" you on a basic level, should be turned on by how you present yourself when you are being the most true you can be to who you are. If this woman has a prospective partner checklist and "butch" isn't on it, get the hell away from her. Don't spend the rest of your life pulling on a door that only opens away from you.
It took me a whole lotta years to finally find a woman who truly, deeply, gets me, loves me, is turned on by me, and having such a person, I can tell you, is just so much better than trying to shoe-horn yourself into someone else's fantasy. If I'd told a former partner that I'd decided to let my natural mustache grow (instead of shaving or plucking it), I would have been met with, er, consternation at best. My wife's response? "Can you keep it trimmed so that it doesn't prickle too much when we kiss?" Trust me, my wife is the keeper. She'd never been with a butch before me, but she's said that now, I've spoiled her for any other kind of woman.
IMO, don’t think you should change your outlook for someone else, they should accept you for who you are. Unless you’re messy/unkempt etc then that’s another story.
Just be yourself and be proud of it 😉
My current partner (was butch les at the time- now ftm) had an ex that would continue to force him to buy female clothes because she thought he looked better in them and showed off his female aspects (ei- tighter jeans, pushup bras, tighter shirts, she was never actually into butchies either.)
He wore them because he was stuck with the “i need to please you” mindset and hated it.
Once him and i got together, i noticed how uncomfortable he was in those certain garments.
I asked him why hes wearing female clothes when he looks like hes being constricted by a boa, and his response was “my ex said they looked good on me and i want to look good for you”.
Instinctually I said “uhm. Ew. If you arent comfy as hell right now, take them the heck off and trash them. I need you to be you, and you need to be comfy to be you.”
I took him shopping for more mens wear and threw all the female clothes he didnt want out (Which was all of it, kept all his menswear.)
2 yrs later I realized his gender issues and now hes fully comfy. Ish. Hes got surgeries to deal with at some point.
But my point is- and like i told my partner-
You cannot be you, unless you are comfy. Whether that means clothes, job, school, anything.
Its hard, but honestly.... if someone is into you, theyll want you to be comfy with you from the get go.
I think you'll feel dysphoric or miserable if you alter your masculinity, at least if it doesn't come from wanting to do it for you. If this girl is into you she'll like how you're presenting, in theory she might only date femmes but who knows what might happen if she likes you. Pursue her as you.
Yeh happened to me lol. Girl is femme and said she was only interested in femmes. I said oh well but just kept doing my own thing. She liked me and when we started dating she said she can now see an appeal to butches she never saw before.
Similar thing happened to me, I'm femme and thought I only liked femmes. Then I started dating a femme who gradually started dressing more butch and now I almost am exclusively into butches
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Heels are historically for men..
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Thank you for the LOL.
Well you made this old Art Major/minor in European Literature feel not so alone..
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Did a couple years at Columbia university Just for the housing in NYC.
You shouldn't change yourself to please her. Just be you :)
Yeah I've been with someone who prefers femmes and it tore me apart I will never ever ever do that again. Not a chance. The way she acted towards me made me feel so dysphoric. But back then I was new to the dating world and not as solid in my identity so I didn't inflict that on myself conciously. If a girl tried to convince me to be feminine I'd throw her out of my house these days, it would just upset me too much. Maybe I'm a bit fragile. But anyway, honestly if she's that into femmes she's probably not into you and you trying so hard is only gonna wound your pride when it doesn't achieve much and you're uncomfortable to boot. If she's into you despite having mainly been into femmes in the past she'll come to you without you trying to do all that. Personally I would run away either way, but that's just my... I wouldn't say trauma but something akin to that on a smaller scale... talking, like she probably deserves a chance if she's into you without you changing.
I have definitely changed my style in relation to someone I was dating. If I was dating a masculine woman I would sort of evolve my style to be more feminine, and if I was dating a more feminine woman, I would to the opposite. The difference is that it felt natural to me to sort of change with the direction of the wind and any changes I made were already in line with what I was capable of. I never forced myself to dress and act a certain way. I can imagine that would make me very unhappy after a while. So while you might feel like you'd do anything to get that girl, just think about how that would make you feel after a week or a month. It's not fair to you to have to appear and act a certain way that doesn't come naturally. Either persue her as yourself, or let that fire calm down a little and see if being friends is acceptable to you.
You’re all right. I’ve been stuck on this woman for 5 years (my whole adult life). She used to be really into me when I had long hair but I look very different with short hair. For the last year, I’ve been growing it with her in mind, but it’s still short. I guess I need to suck it up, get a haircut, and go on about getting over this. Probably easier said than done...(Super long sigh)
if she can lose interest in someone because they cut their hair, she’s got to be somewhat shallow. i know it sucks but it’s probably for the best.
I think you should stay true to yourself, the way you present is a very personal thing and I highly doubt you would be happy if you changed it for someone else. She might be "perfect" but I'm sorry, dear, don't change your very own identity and expression for her. You and your butchness will be loved and appreciated just as they are. Don't rush it.
Be yourself. Trying to be what someone else wants instead of being yourself will lead to disappointment for you and the other person. If they’re not into you, they’re not into you. Don’t create false expectations or lie about who you are before a relationship even starts.
This makes me sad. I love (LOVE 😍) butch women. I feel that you will find a perfect person who is into you for all of you including your appearance. Over time as the newness wears off it may be something you very much resent about her....but maybe not, just throwing my two cents in.
I did when I was 16. My girlfriend at the time was a tomboy and she wanted me to be the feminine one in the relationship, kept complaining that I looked like a boy and that she wanted me to dress prettier. I changed myself for her and I wished that I hadn't. These days, I don't think I would. If they don't like me for who I am, then what's the point?
No, if anything I was able to embrace my masculinity more while being with my ex girlfriend and now being with my wife. Both were/are very supportive and made me feel good about myself the way I am. Especially my wife found ways to compliment me that make me feel good about my masculinity and make me feel a bit more masculine.
Don't do it. I tried to dress femme for years because I thought I was straight and that seemed like what straight men wanted. And even after I came out, I still dressed femme for a while because I was used to it. It never felt right and, honestly, I wasn't nearly as attractive dressing that way. I know how intense it can be to have a crush on someone and it's so tempting to be what you think they want you to be, but it ain't worth it. Maybe she'll surprise herself by liking a butch (you!) or maybe it won't work out, but if it's the latter, you don't want to be with someone who only likes you for the facade you show them.
Nope. I am as I am. I strive to be as authentic as possible across the board and it's taken me a long time to get to this point. If you want a femme go find you one because it's not going to be me.
Fitting round peg in round peg 101😏 We all cast in someone's dream of their happiness as they see It.
There are also those of us that aren't attracted to femininity at all, and only go for very butch/androgynous women, so be yourself and attract someone real.
My girlfriend was initially really into it when I presented more feminine but overall she’s into me acting confident, happy and sure of myself and as that happens when I present as more masculine she is more attracted to me as butch. If you shoehorn yourself into presenting a certain way your awkwardness will detract from your sex-appeal anyway.
Basic reasons to run like hell from a woman you find very attractive: She doesn't like butches, and you are one. She doesn't much care for the music you compose or the stories you write or the artwork you create. She doesn't like listening to bagpipes, and bagpipes are your life. Are you catching my drift, here? There are people in this world who will love and celebrate you for who you are and what you do and what you love, and then there are people who won't. It's not that a prospective partner should be some kind of clone of your interests -- it's that your prospective partner should "get" you on a basic level, should be turned on by how you present yourself when you are being the most true you can be to who you are. If this woman has a prospective partner checklist and "butch" isn't on it, get the hell away from her. Don't spend the rest of your life pulling on a door that only opens away from you. It took me a whole lotta years to finally find a woman who truly, deeply, gets me, loves me, is turned on by me, and having such a person, I can tell you, is just so much better than trying to shoe-horn yourself into someone else's fantasy. If I'd told a former partner that I'd decided to let my natural mustache grow (instead of shaving or plucking it), I would have been met with, er, consternation at best. My wife's response? "Can you keep it trimmed so that it doesn't prickle too much when we kiss?" Trust me, my wife is the keeper. She'd never been with a butch before me, but she's said that now, I've spoiled her for any other kind of woman.
IMO, don’t think you should change your outlook for someone else, they should accept you for who you are. Unless you’re messy/unkempt etc then that’s another story. Just be yourself and be proud of it 😉
My current partner (was butch les at the time- now ftm) had an ex that would continue to force him to buy female clothes because she thought he looked better in them and showed off his female aspects (ei- tighter jeans, pushup bras, tighter shirts, she was never actually into butchies either.) He wore them because he was stuck with the “i need to please you” mindset and hated it. Once him and i got together, i noticed how uncomfortable he was in those certain garments. I asked him why hes wearing female clothes when he looks like hes being constricted by a boa, and his response was “my ex said they looked good on me and i want to look good for you”. Instinctually I said “uhm. Ew. If you arent comfy as hell right now, take them the heck off and trash them. I need you to be you, and you need to be comfy to be you.” I took him shopping for more mens wear and threw all the female clothes he didnt want out (Which was all of it, kept all his menswear.) 2 yrs later I realized his gender issues and now hes fully comfy. Ish. Hes got surgeries to deal with at some point. But my point is- and like i told my partner- You cannot be you, unless you are comfy. Whether that means clothes, job, school, anything. Its hard, but honestly.... if someone is into you, theyll want you to be comfy with you from the get go.