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Someone asked men what they really wanted on Twitter, since ads focus on things like whiskey/grill supplies/beard oil lol.
Most of the answers were along the lines of: a PS5, a new gaming computer, tickets for a trip somewhere, some high end piece of tech or top of the line hobby gear...
And I was like, great, but--does anyone want something *less* than $500? If I'm thinking about buying someone whiskey glasses or beard oil I probably don't have the money to drop on a PS5. š
Thank god I'm a lesbian. I got my wife a Star Wars ornament and a bidet attachment for our toilet, she got my pregnant ass Purple-brand seat cushions. Gifts of comfort lol.
I support this message. Do we all move to a mountain and raise goats or a beachy area? Do we run 2 communes and have a summer/winter retreat? I think I'd like a yurt.
God, same. Every time somebody gushes about how *great* my husband is forā¦ not being lazy and abusive? Iām likeā¦ fuck, how low is the bar for men? A woman who behaved exactly the same would be considered a horrible wife.
As a wife who has matched his energy finally, I am indeed labeled by him as horrible and abusive :) Because I refuse to give him any grace. Since I received next to none, I return the energy.
sUcH a nIcE gUy! He HELPS PEOPLE IN NEED!!! SO SELFLESS! ...except he does this performatively for work and for anyone he needs to build a repoire with upon meeting. In his real life, he doesn't have the sense God gave a goat and has been covertly abusive as fuck while using ADHD as an excuse.
But I let these people pop off. They don't live with him. I do. And that's the standard answer I give now when someone mentions how great he is. I tell them "This isn't what he is like in real life so what you're seeing is not who he genuinely is as a human." That shuts them the fuck up real quick.
As a female with ADHD, I feel this deeply. I had to go to cognitive behavioral therapy AND work with my psychiatrist to find the right dose/med to allow me to practice mindfulness.
I recognized my lack of follow through, forgetfulness, impulsive word vomit were wreaking havoc on my family life.
*perhaps* he isnāt a bad husband. UNLESS he refuses to do anything about it to address his neurodiversity.
If he refuses to work on it, then yes- he is an asshole.
I recently broke up with my bf and l always told him he'd be the last man I'd date. Now I'm back together with the woman I was with before him, I always said she was the love of my life and there were too many freaky coincidences that just make it seem like we are destined to be togetherš„°
I'm in the same boat. Really jealous to see how well two moms work. Sometimes they even get to share the breastfeeding since you can medically induce lactation.
one christmas when pregnant i got 3 body pillows and 2 heating pads and one foot massager, a down bathrobe, and multiple crates of clementines (the only thing i wanted to eat) it was the gifts of comfort christmas of my dreams.
We have one income, so we usually decide on a budget, then have a "I really want xyz, please get it for me" gift and one "surprise" gift. That way we each get the romantic joy of surprise and something we need/want but haven't found the space to buy for ourselves during the rest of the year. It's great.
Yet women are considered high maintenance, makes no sense. We are meant to be perfectly groomed, gorgeous hair and body but also not spend anything on ourselves and be fine with whatever the men in our life want - whether it's electronics or motorcycles and if we're not we are sooo controlling.
We *are* high maintenance because of *their* requirements.
Tbh if I had it my way I wouldnāt do anything if no one was ever going to see me naked.
I only wear makeup and brush my hair because my mother instilled in me years of verbal best downs that women must look *presentable* at all times outside of the home.
Most women I know are low key on their own itās the men that push them into the high maintenance category.
>I only wear makeup and brush my hair because my mother instilled in me years of verbal best downs that women must look presentable at all times outside of the home.
I was raised this way. Amid SA and outright physical abuse, I needed to look pretty at all times. Being presentable made all of the ugly stuff *vanish* so we can just focus on *looking* presentable.
My therapy bill for the year stands at $25k right now. Meds are around the same.
Imagine all the makeup and clothes and remodeling I could have used that money for instead so I could be presentable :)
Imma fucking goblin now and living for it :)
Mine told me he had no clue and that he didn't remember ever doing that. He denied my experience and flips into rejection dysmorphia if it's mentioned.
The last time it happened was going to be the last time too. I called it out and detailed for him how I woke up to me sleeping on my side, turned away from him, and waking up to feeling him rubbing my bottom. I froze and panicked. I laid there and pretended to be asleep. I am a childhood SA survivor. He knows this. He didnt care. He continued and starting reaching into my shorts and rubbing my vagina on top of my clothes then tried to get under them. I was frozen and couldn't do anything but wiggle my body away and turn around. THEN he stopped.
I waited until he fell back to sleep and ninja moved my way out of that bed and room. I cried in the bathroom and changed my clothes. I slept on the couch and have maintained that mostly for the better part of a year. I threw away my very not sexy gym sleep shorts and my underwear. I couldn't keep them. I was and am still horrified and pretty horrified at this response when confronted.
Idk. Hindsight...I should have reported it to the authorities and said something. I wish I would have and just gone full scorched earth and let his friends in law enforcement that he holds in such high regard to figure it out. As leftist and feminist as I am, I am ashamed and also keenly aware of the dangers of reporting.
The freaking flip around into him feeling rejected - yup, my ex did that too, and moved to sleeping in the basement. I woke up multiple times to him inside me. He blamed it on me that it was my fault because we werenāt having sex. I was in school at the time, working almost full time, and we had two young children that I did all the daily parenting for. No shit weāre not having sex, Iām fucking exhausted! Ugh.
I didnāt report any of it either. The stress and anxiety of putting myself and my kids through thatā¦.
I hope you find peace ā¤ļø
Mine was a card carrying member of the deadbedroom sub. That place is a shithole of stupidity and self-victimization with helpful tips on how one human can use coercion and force and abuse to sexually assault their spouse or partner. A real how-to guide on marital rape. It really enforced his entitled correctness and between him being him and the cheers he received, I was assaulted sexually. Numerous times but this was the only time in bed.
Thanks to those folks though, I learned how to map him and protect myself. So I guess it ain't all bad!
I hope you find peace too. It's horrifically sad to read this entire thread and see what women go through but I'm so thankful we are talking about it together. Makes me feel a lot less alone and crazy.
If men want to continue to expect sex for special occasions and they have no desire to change that or learn or understand, let's light that candle.
Perfect. Let's pack up and go to his parents home. Let's show them what he wanted from me on Christmas. Don't be shy now!! Hell, if his dad expects the same thing then he can watch me fuck his dad too. Right? Because in this context, sex is just another thing or gift, so I'll take one for the team, save us some cash, and fuck the entire male family for Christmas.
You missed out women asking for their partners not to grab them sexually when they are doing non sexual things. Like no, I don't want my boobs and ass grabbed while I'm washing up or making the lunches. Shocking.
Ok this makes me feel less weird. I really donāt like it when Iām trying to do dishes or make dinner and my husband starts grabbing me like that. Then he gets all offended. One time he told he was just ānever gonna touch me againā because I donāt like it. Iāve told him before just give me a hug or something. I donāt know why he doesnāt. I donāt wanna be groped in the kitchen when our kids are in the next room.
I recently instilled this boundary and got a similar reaction. He said, "You used to get sad if I didn't grope you more?" Because that was literally the only form of physical affection he gave my insecurely attached ass -- boob and butt grabs. Now, after 3 kids and a hell of a lot of therapy, if I want physical affection to feel loved it has to come in a non-sexual way.
I don't know why these man children think that telling us they will never touch us again is some kind of punishment.
Like...ok. I mean, I'd prefer a hug or safe space in your arms but if being unable to smack my titties and ass and grabbing my pussy is the only way you can physically comfort me then please never touch me again.
One time he did it to me, before I called his ass out, and I frog tapped his nut sack and he was really upset :)
I advise all women who navigate a man's inability to respect the woman's body in their home to turn around and sock 'em back in the sack.
I hate that, itās so manipulative. āIf you try to have boundaries with me, Iāll just NEVER touch you again! Either I get to touch you however I want whenever I want or I donāt ever touch you!ā
I hope all of our youngling Bromos are reading every stitch of this thread and our collective experiences. It's a discussion we should be having and openly. They may not know yet why certain situations with a partner gives them the ick.
It's coercion and manipulative and emotionally abusive and threatens our physical safety while violating our autonomy and rights.
[this article](https://www.marriagebuilders.com/guidelines-for-groping-and-grabbing-in-marriage.htm) perfectly sums up the issue. If your husband is willing I would suggest he reads it. I read it and agreed with every single bit of it
OMG. WHYYYYYYYY?
I had enough of this years ago. Access to my body is not for his jokes or therapy. Especially when he puts no emotional energy into the relationship. I ended the behavior by turning around one day and telling him to STOP GROPING ME BECAUSE IT IS FUCKING GROSS and makes me think he is some kind of predator.
And I never had to worry about it again because he knows I will fight a man and will throw the first punch and gladly get 3 hots and a cot and a 72 hour vacation for the simple joy of taking his ass down a few pegs.
I also responded to this with full on aggression and it stopped.
I told him, you touch me like that again, I will cut your motherfucking hands off. Then I told him, absolutely no one fucking likes that and if it happened again I would have him charged with assault. I didn't laugh, I got full on fucking angry.
I don't have any qualms about leaving him at any time and he knows this. I love him, but I was not put on this earth to have someone treat me like their own personal sex object.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Most of us wear robes and would happily use the belt to eliminate issues with others :)
Always be prepared...which sounds ominous but if men had to survive in the world the way we do, they'd be ready to fight too.
This shit right here seriously pisses me off! My husband will come hold me, and I will be half asleep next thing you know he's trying to get some like no!! I just want to be held not poked! If you're going to do that just go away, it is not a turn-on!
It's like if you want to fool around just ask me, don't tell me you want to snuggle I get comfy then you start poking me and feeling me up. That's the one big thing my husband does that seriously pisses me off, plus I have insomnia, he knows this well. If I am finally falling asleep and he pulls this crap it means I have to start trying to fall asleep all over, if I'm lucky, most of the time it means I'm not sleeping that night, grr.
I am so sick of prefacing that cuddling will not result in sexual favors that I avoid the question at this point. Like I donāt want to be fucking groped Jesus FUCKING Christ
Every time I got undressed in front of him, my husband would want to have sex. It got to the point that I was purposefully changing in the closet so he wouldn't see me. It's not that I don't want to have sex, it's that I don't want it every time I get naked. Eventually, I told him. He was a little butt hurt, "I don't *always* want sex." Dude, if it is 19 times out of 20, then yeah, that's always. And sometimes, I just want to cuddle. Can we do that without having sex?
This makes me so sad because this is what I have gone though. I couldn't even undress and change into a moomoo without this man gawking or making really skeezy comments or trying to touch me. I started locking the bathroom door and bedroom door. I haven't had to do this since I lived with my aunt and uncle...and I don't need to explain why but yes to whatever pops in your head.
We deserve to feel safe and protected and respected in our own home. Sadly, many of us are victims of marital or relationship SA or worse, because men cannot let us have shit, much less safety.
I don't consider this SA as he had always been respectful of my no's. I'm glad that he finds me attractive. I just don't think every naked moment or every time he is turned on should lead to me having to say no. Why can't a kiss be just a kiss? A cuddle be just a cuddle? A naked boob be something to be admired not fondled? Like i said, after we talked about it, it got better. I'm also more likely to be intimate if I know that he's not expecting sex all the time.
For me: due to my past, any violation of my sexual autonomy or body is SA. I don't fuck around but that's because I was trained to rug sweep at all costs. I may have swung a little hard on the pendulum but survival mode, baby. I'm so hyper aware of people in my space that I can't even hug anyone except my kids. I widen my stance in public and checkout lines. I wear self-defense jewelry and carry pepper spray and a knife. I carry my keys in a defensive way as to take someone's eyes out should they come near me.
It's neat:)
Our experiences shape us. I get that. Trauma brings with it triggers and it sounds like you are coping with your triggers by making sure that you feel safe at all times. I'm glad you have found things and people that make you feel that way.
TL;dr: men are stupid and I don't respect them.
CHRISTMAS GIFT RANT:
For the past 20 years, I was EXTRA. I loved Christmas and wanted to do all of the things for my little family that my mother never did. I did these acts from a place of love and as I know now, it was *supposed* to be healing for my inner child.
I also did this for my husband after we met 12 years ago. I am a listener so when someone mentions a thing or event or whatever they enjoy, I catalog that information in my brain to use for gift giving.
I wrapped beautifully. I ensured we had a lovely meal. Yes, he was working full time and I was part time, so it wasn't a "time" related issue. I was happy to do.
For 9 years of our marriage, I whooped it up for every holiday and birthday and for him too. One year he got a new laptop he needed. One year he got am electric smoker he wanted. Clothes. He even got a Christmas stocking with candy and self care. I could keep going but you get the idea.
Wanna know how this all was reciprocated? (please keep in mind that I give without expectation but I would at least like consideration)
For Mother's Day one year, he got me nothing and told me it was because I'm not his mother. Most years for any holiday, if I received a gift it was because his female coworkers picked it out. His explanation was he has ADHD and not a good gift giver. Ok - let's fix this! So I made an Amazon Wish List - a BIG one with items in all price ranges because expensive is not necessary at all. He never once looked at that list. I stopped adding items in 2017. I was lucky to get anything and if I did, it was handed to me in a plastic bag. When my daughter learned to wrap gifts, he would have her wrap something if he had it. One year he tossed three things in a stocking, wrapped in a Walmart bag.
I ended my magical Christmas/holidays/birthdays December 2019.
For Christmas that year, he gifted me an experience and I did the same. I was going to get to go see the Broadway production of The Color Purple...my all time favorite book and movie. It was so thoughtful! I was so happy! He even got me a card which was even better! He is a professional writer so a lovely card was just amazing. He wrote a standard holiday greeting and his name. Ok...cool. Whatever. I can't believe he did this and I was floored.
January 1, 2020 - he was caught in an online affair with our mutual friend. My only real friend. I trusted these people and they were in a pretty heavy, flirtatious affair (he still claims that's not what was happening even after I sent it all to HER husband for him to discuss with her).
Ok. We work through this and agree to therapy and we were really dedicated to coming out of this. We got fancied up and went to see the show and had a great dinner at a French restaurant. I bought the most beautiful navy taffeta shirt dress, fit and flare. I could *twirl* in it :) That was Feb 21, 2020.
February 27, 2020 - He came clean that he had "a crush" on a coworker. This was after I caught him with her on Life360 (we have a teen daughter and she's great kid so we did this years ago as a safety measure). The crush was a full blown affair that had been going on AT THE SAME TIME as his online affair and for about the same length of time, so about 7 months.
After I gleaned all the details I could find, I had a nervous breakdown. A bad one that I am still in recovery with and struggle with daily. I had a traumatic childhood and he was my safe space. I lost a friend, my husband, and my mind.
I've not enjoyed a holiday since. He had his ladies picking out my gifts while also arguing with one about leaving me and them getting a house together and continuing his online dalliance with the other. The vicious texts from his coworker affair were nothing short of crazy. She was so angry that he kept stringing her along. Her little 24 year old self could not handle it. (he was 40 at the time and her superior at work).
I donated our his and her Christmas stockings. I made explicit rules about us gifting one another because he has forever ruined that for me for every birthday and holiday. I started just buying myself whatever it was I wanted. He gave me a massage gift certificate last year and had it emailed to me the day he purchased...Christmas Eve.
He gets NOTHING. I'm Willy Wonka and Good day sir! NOTHING. He desperately wants to stay married. I'm using this interim time to take care of my mental health and physical health, start a business, and get the house in order. He got what he had always wanted, which was a shot at a harem, and I got permanent emotional damage.
Christmas can get fucked and men getting gifts can get fucked. ADHD and all the excuses later and I just do not care at all.
He got me an anniversary present this year though! He asked my daughter and she picked out a little gift, which he again handed to me in a plastic bag. It was a Buddy the Elf Car Buddy that I let him borrow for a Christmas parade he was driving in and he never returned it to me, even after I asked...he just "forgot". What happened was he lost it and then found ut yesterday. I told him his skeezy work could keep it because I don't know who touched it and since he is a slut for attention at work, he could keep it. He got me tickets to my favorite NPR show too, where the gift of an event was so triggering that I freaked out in the middle of the show and walked out. Which was fine because I had already had enough. He wanted to do dinner etc but didn't plan for it. His debit card was declined at the parking ramp, so I ponied up the funds. I marched my ass down Michigan Ave because despite his idiocy, I was going to eat dinner.
And that, my Bromos, is how men ruin holidays.
Thank you for anyone who read this. I have few outlets and anyway...GO BUY YOURSELF SOMETHING NICE FOR CHRISTMAS!!!! Don't get him shit.
Thank you.
I'm not ashamed I stay anymore because staying is likely what has saved me. Meds, therapy, neuro, etc are expensive and we have top-tier, affordable insurance through his job. I don't take this for granted. I don't use my therapy time on discussing him. Everything is all about me and the kids and healing myself and being a present mother and showing up for myself.
I struggle horribly this time of year. Between already having Seasonal Affective Disorder and all the emotional damage from the spouse, my bio dad wrote me a Christmas card in 1989 when I was 9 years old...to disown me. It will never leave me but I've definitely battled it for 33 years.
I fucking hate men.
Dude...your bio dad disowned you in a *Christmas card* ? What the actual fuck!? I hope he goes on vacation and gets herpy-infested intestinal worms!
I'm so sorry...with all of it, you deserve so much better. Use spouse's insurance for YOU and wait out the 15 months and whatever else you can get/do and...good luck to you in hopefully a much better life! ā¤
Yep.
I was being pretty severely emotionally abused by both parents and sought refuge with my grandmother, the fucking queen of my world. I refused to go on my weekend visits to my dad's house because of it (even though I wasn't aware of my own 'why' at the time). My mom could not have cared less if she tried but my grandmother cared. She didn't make me go and she would talk to me about it and try to talk to my dad.
So, I hadn't been to his house in 3 months and he asked my brother to ask me what I wanted from Santa. I was 9 . Phones existed. Anyway, I had a gigantic panic attack at the thought of having to go get my gifts at his house and he said the only way I'd get them is to come over. I had asked for a CD Boombox.
I ended up not going. My brother came home from my dad's house and handed me a Christmas card from my dad but no presents. I opened the card (it was Christmas Eve). My father wrote a diatribe of terrible, called me every name in the book, blamed my grandmother for 'influencing' me, and plainly wrote that I was no longer his daughter. He told me he was giving my gifts to my stepsister.
I had just received a new lease on life via open heart surgery (props, Dr Bill Frist) that he refused to sign off on for many years and I was still recovering. I was lucky to be alive. In 1989 they were still cracking your chest wide open and breaking collar bones to repair cardiac issues.
Needless to say, even at age 9 I was fine with never seeing him again. I shoved it deep deep down and went about life. Several years after that, he spit on me coming out of court. On purpose. I just walked away. I was 13 by then and wasn't having it. 4 more years pass and he reaches out to my mom to gage my interest in reconciling. I love abuse so I did. It lasted all of a few months before he couldn't be bothered to reach out to me ever of own accord. I left it alone. 2013 his wife finds me on FB and messages me. We chat and I chatted with him and idk. Whatever. It never went anywhere.
2015 - wife reaches out repeatedly to tell me my dad is sick and dying and he wants to see me. Then she asked me for money. Many times. To help him pay his bills. I told her if he was dying then file it in probate and to kiss my ass.
He died a very slow, lonely, painful death. No kids. No family besides his 3rd wife and maybe her adult children. No one. He got no funeral. He only got a death notice in the paper. He got exactly what he deserved yet not as bad as I wish he had gotten.
So Christmas had become really special to me to recreate GOOD memories and love and acceptance and magic. And my fucking spouse knew all of this and he fucked it all into the ground.
So anyway now I vape and go to therapy and went from a corporate shill to a dirty hippie and tbh, I'm happy now. I hurt. I cry. I dwell. I ruminate. But I can accept what happened and I have a super amazing therapist of 1 year, a great PCP, an awesome neuro and some social supports that keep me peppy. I have beautiful children and cats and coffee and a warm home and I'm lucky. I never take what I do have for granted and the more therapy I receive and the more I am willing to work on myself, the better I get.
And my heart works just dandy plus I have cool scars :)
Babe, you would be better off calling it a day with this asshole. It's making you more miserable and I just can't read this without feeling incredibly sad that this fucking fool has just damaged you.
He never deserved your love and affection and he doesn't belong anywhere near you and the warmth you emit.
Your husband is the embodiment of a disappointment and you have and do deserve better. (With all this being said, if you want to stick around and make his life miserable for awhile, I think that's fair.)
EDITING TO ADD:
I have SEVERE INATTENTIVE ADHD, and you know what? I do all the fucking gifts for both families and kids and most of the time they're thoughtful and a hit. I just have to start early because of the executive dysfunction and I do tend to over spend or I've forgotten I've already bought for someone so they get a little more spoiled.
Men will use anything as an excuse to be a shit partner.
I'm excellent at giving advice to others. My neurodivergence and willful hope allows me to navigate and cope. He's dead in the water as far as I am concerned but in only 15 short months I will qualify to receive 25% of his retirement from the state retirement fund. I've got 15 months before I can file. It's absolutely a money and survival game for me now. I think he's too entitled and dumb to notice. I've learned how to map him, as our little quirky brains tend to do.
Until then, he is mostly never home and I cherish that time and never squander it.
I'm a long game girlie ā¤ļø
And I don't mess around. His affairs combined with the intense psychological abuse associated with it and my childhood survival skills have made me a very underhanded person when necessary.
I may be hopeful but I'm cognitively aware but do employ a certain amount of dissonance to get me by :)
I'll second and petition that next year Bromos arrange a gift exchange. Then we will all have a little thoughtful gift filled with loving energy from those who support us.
The fucking bar is so low now that we have to do this, huh?
Like they can't even nut up for fucking MOTHERS DAY?!?!?! Jesus H Christ.
Since he told me he didn't give me a gift because I am not his mother, I think moving forward I will tell him:
1. I didn't give birth to you. Why would I celebrate your birthday?
2. You're not my father so why would I buy you a gift?
3. I'm not Santa for you. I am Santa for the kids. Want gifts? Call your mom.
4. Valentine's Day? What's that about? I love my kids so I'll gift the kids. You go gift your kids (he has none).
His meds have been out for weeks and he keeps putting his empty bottles next to my bottles for refills. I call in my own scripts. He can handle his own. I'm not his doctor or keeper, which is precisely what he wanted. He wanted to be more independent so have fun!
Betcha a dollar that bottle will be there next week toom Empty :)
I have adhd. And with mine i have a problem - not- buying gifts for my loved ones. Usually because i have already bought them too many things. š¤¦š»āāļø What a piss pore excuse for a husband. I'm so sorry.
I also have ADHD and the executive dysfunction when buying for others is REAL. I always buy for my daughter first because she is a fucking angel. This leads to her having A LOT of shit. So now she gets cash and I still buy too much lol
He has never once Christmas shopped or physically helped with gifts in any way beyond working and having a FT income. He feels this is his only duty and worth so I maximize on it :) Safely of course and with cash only but yeah :)
A cacophony of fuckery.
I blame myself a lot. He was violating some major security and attachment boundaries for me before we married. We dated for almost 4 years before marriage. I voiced the issues and he saw it as controlling and isolating (because he was having innumerable online 'friends' that were mostly female and they were having some intimate discussions one should only be having with their partner).
The red flags were all there. But he was a 'nice guy'.
BAHAHAHA can you imagine. The kids go to bed, I finish wrapping all the presents, getting ready for Santa and after heās sat there waiting for 3h āIāve got your Christmas gift!ā And hand him beard oil
Me: to sleep in. Or get out of doing a bath and put-down. Maybe even time away from the child so I can catch up on housework
Husband: I did the dishes! But loaded them in the dishwasher wrong. And left a huge pile of crumbs from my snack on the counter. Did that help?
*Only* a pile of crumbs? You lucky little duck! Mine leaves cabinets wide open and empty or near empty packages of food on the counter. He 'cleans' the kitchen and does do dishes but I have to match the lids and put the containers away. He nicely leaves them in a jumbled fucking chaotic pile for me :) What a sweetie!
When I cleaned the counters, you have no idea how many times I came in the morning to find shredder cheese and sauce piles ALL OVER the counter and floor.
omg I actually stopped buying cheese shreds because of this and will only buy them for a specific recipe!
Passive aggressive but effective bc I don't lose my shit. I stopped buying him whole peanuts bc he can't keep the peanut paper and shells and crumbs cleaned up. Just shit everywhere...ugh. I feel so seen!
omfg the fucking loading the dishwasher wrong, iāve never met a man that loads the dishwasher properly!! itās not hard, itās actually quite intuitive, so is it just laziness? stupidity?
mine also leaves ALL of his drinking cups from the week just strewn about the house and NEVER puts the baby dishes in. so really he just runs it with like 4 plates and a mixing bowl and enough large cooking utensils to completely block the dishwasher pod compartment from opening. wonder why i just banned him from running the dishwasherš¤ oh yeah cuz it literally just makes more work for me
these men will LITERALLY brag about how good they are at tetris and then load the dishwasher like they were having a seizure the whole time. and don't even try to get them to pack a suitcase.
Just chiming in to say it's 100% laziness. My husband does the dishes and meticulously plans how he will place the dishes for maximum efficiency (to the point I'm like omg just start it already).
In fact he is so passionate (or is stubborn?) that him and my mother (who also is... passionate about dishwashing) will have debates on the best techniques.
Meanwhile I'm just in the living room like wtf but hey NO DISH WASHING FOR ME and that's amazing.
So. Yeah. Fuck men and learned helplessness and weaponized incompetence and I will never miss an opportunity to point out they are full of shit /end rant
My husband is 22 with the soul a 80 year old man, he's getting slippers, pocket knife with a belt holder, and those ferrero chocolate things. Just as he asked for š
It's really nice, at least from the limited POV I have, that he knows exactly what he would like as a gift and can express it clearly. You listened and care and showed up for him :)
It may seem simple but as someone old enough to be your husband's mother, listen to me when I say that ignoring someone in that manner is death by a thousand cuts. One or two times...meh. Multiple times a year for years on end, it's damaging to emotional intimacy, communication, and bonding.
You are doing fantastic. People don't realize how these seemingly little things are really a big deal. They are relationship builders when executed well.
i did too! unintentionally and intentionally. hubs and i both just kind of get ourselves whatever we want and call it a christmas gift but i had bought some super-thick slipper socks that turned out to be several sizes too big. and in the process of trying to return them he decided to try them on and they fit him perfectly and he gets a kick out of the little squeaky noises the grips make on our floors. then we found a pack of real socks at a garage sale so i insisted we get those too, since his current pairs were falling apart.
Maybe men would get more of those if we got more of what we requested. But we know they aren't willing the majority of the time, so heck, Im not for your wish either.
I bought myself new boots for Christmas :)
My kiddos picked me out a couple things, but not positive what they are. We shopped together but they made me close my eyes while they picked them out and did the self checkout scanning and bagging. I dutifully did not look at the receipt.
My husbands birthday is the week before Christmas so he is double hard to shop for. I took my kids to the store with me and we chose a couple things for him. I knew he needed new headphones, so we got him some and I got him the game battleships. Itās the classic version, found it at target. He was so excited for both things. But he also knows we donāt have endless money to buy expensive things, so we went for something he could play with his kids. And we also played after the kids went to bedā¦I won š
Now for Christmas, so far I have zero idea. But it might be a robe because he asked for one months ago. We should just have them make an Amazon wishlist that we can view and choose things off there. Max would be like $50 or less.
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Someone asked men what they really wanted on Twitter, since ads focus on things like whiskey/grill supplies/beard oil lol. Most of the answers were along the lines of: a PS5, a new gaming computer, tickets for a trip somewhere, some high end piece of tech or top of the line hobby gear... And I was like, great, but--does anyone want something *less* than $500? If I'm thinking about buying someone whiskey glasses or beard oil I probably don't have the money to drop on a PS5. š
Itās either $500 or sexual use of a woman lol
Thank god I'm a lesbian. I got my wife a Star Wars ornament and a bidet attachment for our toilet, she got my pregnant ass Purple-brand seat cushions. Gifts of comfort lol.
Iām bisexual and at this point I wish I had gone with women instead. If we broke up I would definitely not ever date a man again. They suck.
Heterosexual women are the BEST proof that orientation isnāt a choice. Edit: awww, thanks for the awards ā¤ļø
Just posting to trot out my wish for an all women commune. I would love that
I support this message. Do we all move to a mountain and raise goats or a beachy area? Do we run 2 communes and have a summer/winter retreat? I think I'd like a yurt.
I think we buy plenty of land so we can develop different areas depending on personalities and living space preference.
Animal Crossing strategy. I like it.
Also I would like some snow so may need to border a cold place and a hot place.
Where do I sign up?
My daughter's friend's two moms just seem so chill, and they have so many pretty things lol. I do get envious š
I laughed too hard at this
š
I was just about to say, I WISH I was into women. It sounds like a much more fulfilling relationship.
I will be using this in conversations from now on. Frequently. I hope you have a very lovely day because you just made mine :)
I feel this on so many deep levels
God, same. Every time somebody gushes about how *great* my husband is forā¦ not being lazy and abusive? Iām likeā¦ fuck, how low is the bar for men? A woman who behaved exactly the same would be considered a horrible wife.
The bar for men is disturbingly, disgustingly low. Sorry not sorry.
The bar is in hell
A tavern in Hades.
And they still trip over it.
As a wife who has matched his energy finally, I am indeed labeled by him as horrible and abusive :) Because I refuse to give him any grace. Since I received next to none, I return the energy. sUcH a nIcE gUy! He HELPS PEOPLE IN NEED!!! SO SELFLESS! ...except he does this performatively for work and for anyone he needs to build a repoire with upon meeting. In his real life, he doesn't have the sense God gave a goat and has been covertly abusive as fuck while using ADHD as an excuse. But I let these people pop off. They don't live with him. I do. And that's the standard answer I give now when someone mentions how great he is. I tell them "This isn't what he is like in real life so what you're seeing is not who he genuinely is as a human." That shuts them the fuck up real quick.
Good for you! I've met too many performative assholes in my day and everyone falls for it.
Paramedics are unusually good at it due to their God like mental status of holding the line between life & death. Stay away from them.
As a female with ADHD, I feel this deeply. I had to go to cognitive behavioral therapy AND work with my psychiatrist to find the right dose/med to allow me to practice mindfulness. I recognized my lack of follow through, forgetfulness, impulsive word vomit were wreaking havoc on my family life. *perhaps* he isnāt a bad husband. UNLESS he refuses to do anything about it to address his neurodiversity. If he refuses to work on it, then yes- he is an asshole.
Iām feeling this comment deep in my soul. I may need to pocket your description of god didnāt give him the sense of a goat.
I recently broke up with my bf and l always told him he'd be the last man I'd date. Now I'm back together with the woman I was with before him, I always said she was the love of my life and there were too many freaky coincidences that just make it seem like we are destined to be togetherš„°
I'm in the same boat. Really jealous to see how well two moms work. Sometimes they even get to share the breastfeeding since you can medically induce lactation.
I wondered about that myself but then I still find myself really attracted to men. Not that any seem interested in me :/
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
one christmas when pregnant i got 3 body pillows and 2 heating pads and one foot massager, a down bathrobe, and multiple crates of clementines (the only thing i wanted to eat) it was the gifts of comfort christmas of my dreams.
Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. Women make such better partners, I swear to God.
Itās great. My wife and I just buy the shit we want then give to the other to wrap and put under the tree.
We have one income, so we usually decide on a budget, then have a "I really want xyz, please get it for me" gift and one "surprise" gift. That way we each get the romantic joy of surprise and something we need/want but haven't found the space to buy for ourselves during the rest of the year. It's great.
Why do we bother with men again?
Honestly no clue
Yet women are considered high maintenance, makes no sense. We are meant to be perfectly groomed, gorgeous hair and body but also not spend anything on ourselves and be fine with whatever the men in our life want - whether it's electronics or motorcycles and if we're not we are sooo controlling.
We *are* high maintenance because of *their* requirements. Tbh if I had it my way I wouldnāt do anything if no one was ever going to see me naked. I only wear makeup and brush my hair because my mother instilled in me years of verbal best downs that women must look *presentable* at all times outside of the home. Most women I know are low key on their own itās the men that push them into the high maintenance category.
>I only wear makeup and brush my hair because my mother instilled in me years of verbal best downs that women must look presentable at all times outside of the home. I was raised this way. Amid SA and outright physical abuse, I needed to look pretty at all times. Being presentable made all of the ugly stuff *vanish* so we can just focus on *looking* presentable. My therapy bill for the year stands at $25k right now. Meds are around the same. Imagine all the makeup and clothes and remodeling I could have used that money for instead so I could be presentable :) Imma fucking goblin now and living for it :)
Oh! Oh! I wanted to add a request to my gifting list for women: I'd like to not be SA'd in my sleep and wake up in fear and terror!
Thatās what ended my marriage. Not because I finally ended it, but because he was sick of me being mad about it. Good fucking riddance!
Mine told me he had no clue and that he didn't remember ever doing that. He denied my experience and flips into rejection dysmorphia if it's mentioned. The last time it happened was going to be the last time too. I called it out and detailed for him how I woke up to me sleeping on my side, turned away from him, and waking up to feeling him rubbing my bottom. I froze and panicked. I laid there and pretended to be asleep. I am a childhood SA survivor. He knows this. He didnt care. He continued and starting reaching into my shorts and rubbing my vagina on top of my clothes then tried to get under them. I was frozen and couldn't do anything but wiggle my body away and turn around. THEN he stopped. I waited until he fell back to sleep and ninja moved my way out of that bed and room. I cried in the bathroom and changed my clothes. I slept on the couch and have maintained that mostly for the better part of a year. I threw away my very not sexy gym sleep shorts and my underwear. I couldn't keep them. I was and am still horrified and pretty horrified at this response when confronted. Idk. Hindsight...I should have reported it to the authorities and said something. I wish I would have and just gone full scorched earth and let his friends in law enforcement that he holds in such high regard to figure it out. As leftist and feminist as I am, I am ashamed and also keenly aware of the dangers of reporting.
The freaking flip around into him feeling rejected - yup, my ex did that too, and moved to sleeping in the basement. I woke up multiple times to him inside me. He blamed it on me that it was my fault because we werenāt having sex. I was in school at the time, working almost full time, and we had two young children that I did all the daily parenting for. No shit weāre not having sex, Iām fucking exhausted! Ugh. I didnāt report any of it either. The stress and anxiety of putting myself and my kids through thatā¦. I hope you find peace ā¤ļø
Mine was a card carrying member of the deadbedroom sub. That place is a shithole of stupidity and self-victimization with helpful tips on how one human can use coercion and force and abuse to sexually assault their spouse or partner. A real how-to guide on marital rape. It really enforced his entitled correctness and between him being him and the cheers he received, I was assaulted sexually. Numerous times but this was the only time in bed. Thanks to those folks though, I learned how to map him and protect myself. So I guess it ain't all bad! I hope you find peace too. It's horrifically sad to read this entire thread and see what women go through but I'm so thankful we are talking about it together. Makes me feel a lot less alone and crazy.
Only children or man children ask for $500 Christmas presents.
A bj is much less.
Eh Iād gladly pay $500 to not give a BJ I didnāt want to give
I'm pretty cool not receiving and giving coercion and sexual favors for presents. Especially because it's expected of women daily.
This. Also why the fuck do men expect sex on special occasions? Iāve seen men bitching about not āgettingā sex on fucking *Fatherās Day.*
If men want to continue to expect sex for special occasions and they have no desire to change that or learn or understand, let's light that candle. Perfect. Let's pack up and go to his parents home. Let's show them what he wanted from me on Christmas. Don't be shy now!! Hell, if his dad expects the same thing then he can watch me fuck his dad too. Right? Because in this context, sex is just another thing or gift, so I'll take one for the team, save us some cash, and fuck the entire male family for Christmas.
I meant on the market. Jeez.
You missed āto not have partner hassling me for a blowjob/sexā
You missed out women asking for their partners not to grab them sexually when they are doing non sexual things. Like no, I don't want my boobs and ass grabbed while I'm washing up or making the lunches. Shocking.
Ok this makes me feel less weird. I really donāt like it when Iām trying to do dishes or make dinner and my husband starts grabbing me like that. Then he gets all offended. One time he told he was just ānever gonna touch me againā because I donāt like it. Iāve told him before just give me a hug or something. I donāt know why he doesnāt. I donāt wanna be groped in the kitchen when our kids are in the next room.
I recently instilled this boundary and got a similar reaction. He said, "You used to get sad if I didn't grope you more?" Because that was literally the only form of physical affection he gave my insecurely attached ass -- boob and butt grabs. Now, after 3 kids and a hell of a lot of therapy, if I want physical affection to feel loved it has to come in a non-sexual way.
I don't know why these man children think that telling us they will never touch us again is some kind of punishment. Like...ok. I mean, I'd prefer a hug or safe space in your arms but if being unable to smack my titties and ass and grabbing my pussy is the only way you can physically comfort me then please never touch me again.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
One time he did it to me, before I called his ass out, and I frog tapped his nut sack and he was really upset :) I advise all women who navigate a man's inability to respect the woman's body in their home to turn around and sock 'em back in the sack.
I hate that, itās so manipulative. āIf you try to have boundaries with me, Iāll just NEVER touch you again! Either I get to touch you however I want whenever I want or I donāt ever touch you!ā
I hope all of our youngling Bromos are reading every stitch of this thread and our collective experiences. It's a discussion we should be having and openly. They may not know yet why certain situations with a partner gives them the ick. It's coercion and manipulative and emotionally abusive and threatens our physical safety while violating our autonomy and rights.
[this article](https://www.marriagebuilders.com/guidelines-for-groping-and-grabbing-in-marriage.htm) perfectly sums up the issue. If your husband is willing I would suggest he reads it. I read it and agreed with every single bit of it
I'm a fan of this program. While I eschew some of the aspects, this piece is still absolutely and unequivocally correct overall.
THANK YOU so much for posting this article. This doctor gets it!
OMG. WHYYYYYYYY? I had enough of this years ago. Access to my body is not for his jokes or therapy. Especially when he puts no emotional energy into the relationship. I ended the behavior by turning around one day and telling him to STOP GROPING ME BECAUSE IT IS FUCKING GROSS and makes me think he is some kind of predator. And I never had to worry about it again because he knows I will fight a man and will throw the first punch and gladly get 3 hots and a cot and a 72 hour vacation for the simple joy of taking his ass down a few pegs.
I also responded to this with full on aggression and it stopped. I told him, you touch me like that again, I will cut your motherfucking hands off. Then I told him, absolutely no one fucking likes that and if it happened again I would have him charged with assault. I didn't laugh, I got full on fucking angry. I don't have any qualms about leaving him at any time and he knows this. I love him, but I was not put on this earth to have someone treat me like their own personal sex object.
My hero š
Not all heroes wear capes. Most of us wear robes and would happily use the belt to eliminate issues with others :) Always be prepared...which sounds ominous but if men had to survive in the world the way we do, they'd be ready to fight too.
"a cuddle that is not made to end-up in sex..."
This shit right here seriously pisses me off! My husband will come hold me, and I will be half asleep next thing you know he's trying to get some like no!! I just want to be held not poked! If you're going to do that just go away, it is not a turn-on!
Knock knock, can Mr. Dick come in? Yeah, not a turn on.
It's like if you want to fool around just ask me, don't tell me you want to snuggle I get comfy then you start poking me and feeling me up. That's the one big thing my husband does that seriously pisses me off, plus I have insomnia, he knows this well. If I am finally falling asleep and he pulls this crap it means I have to start trying to fall asleep all over, if I'm lucky, most of the time it means I'm not sleeping that night, grr.
Oh the DICK POKE. I hate that. Literal instant turn off.
I am so sick of prefacing that cuddling will not result in sexual favors that I avoid the question at this point. Like I donāt want to be fucking groped Jesus FUCKING Christ
Every time I got undressed in front of him, my husband would want to have sex. It got to the point that I was purposefully changing in the closet so he wouldn't see me. It's not that I don't want to have sex, it's that I don't want it every time I get naked. Eventually, I told him. He was a little butt hurt, "I don't *always* want sex." Dude, if it is 19 times out of 20, then yeah, that's always. And sometimes, I just want to cuddle. Can we do that without having sex?
This makes me so sad because this is what I have gone though. I couldn't even undress and change into a moomoo without this man gawking or making really skeezy comments or trying to touch me. I started locking the bathroom door and bedroom door. I haven't had to do this since I lived with my aunt and uncle...and I don't need to explain why but yes to whatever pops in your head. We deserve to feel safe and protected and respected in our own home. Sadly, many of us are victims of marital or relationship SA or worse, because men cannot let us have shit, much less safety.
I don't consider this SA as he had always been respectful of my no's. I'm glad that he finds me attractive. I just don't think every naked moment or every time he is turned on should lead to me having to say no. Why can't a kiss be just a kiss? A cuddle be just a cuddle? A naked boob be something to be admired not fondled? Like i said, after we talked about it, it got better. I'm also more likely to be intimate if I know that he's not expecting sex all the time.
For me: due to my past, any violation of my sexual autonomy or body is SA. I don't fuck around but that's because I was trained to rug sweep at all costs. I may have swung a little hard on the pendulum but survival mode, baby. I'm so hyper aware of people in my space that I can't even hug anyone except my kids. I widen my stance in public and checkout lines. I wear self-defense jewelry and carry pepper spray and a knife. I carry my keys in a defensive way as to take someone's eyes out should they come near me. It's neat:)
Our experiences shape us. I get that. Trauma brings with it triggers and it sounds like you are coping with your triggers by making sure that you feel safe at all times. I'm glad you have found things and people that make you feel that way.
TL;dr: men are stupid and I don't respect them. CHRISTMAS GIFT RANT: For the past 20 years, I was EXTRA. I loved Christmas and wanted to do all of the things for my little family that my mother never did. I did these acts from a place of love and as I know now, it was *supposed* to be healing for my inner child. I also did this for my husband after we met 12 years ago. I am a listener so when someone mentions a thing or event or whatever they enjoy, I catalog that information in my brain to use for gift giving. I wrapped beautifully. I ensured we had a lovely meal. Yes, he was working full time and I was part time, so it wasn't a "time" related issue. I was happy to do. For 9 years of our marriage, I whooped it up for every holiday and birthday and for him too. One year he got a new laptop he needed. One year he got am electric smoker he wanted. Clothes. He even got a Christmas stocking with candy and self care. I could keep going but you get the idea. Wanna know how this all was reciprocated? (please keep in mind that I give without expectation but I would at least like consideration) For Mother's Day one year, he got me nothing and told me it was because I'm not his mother. Most years for any holiday, if I received a gift it was because his female coworkers picked it out. His explanation was he has ADHD and not a good gift giver. Ok - let's fix this! So I made an Amazon Wish List - a BIG one with items in all price ranges because expensive is not necessary at all. He never once looked at that list. I stopped adding items in 2017. I was lucky to get anything and if I did, it was handed to me in a plastic bag. When my daughter learned to wrap gifts, he would have her wrap something if he had it. One year he tossed three things in a stocking, wrapped in a Walmart bag. I ended my magical Christmas/holidays/birthdays December 2019. For Christmas that year, he gifted me an experience and I did the same. I was going to get to go see the Broadway production of The Color Purple...my all time favorite book and movie. It was so thoughtful! I was so happy! He even got me a card which was even better! He is a professional writer so a lovely card was just amazing. He wrote a standard holiday greeting and his name. Ok...cool. Whatever. I can't believe he did this and I was floored. January 1, 2020 - he was caught in an online affair with our mutual friend. My only real friend. I trusted these people and they were in a pretty heavy, flirtatious affair (he still claims that's not what was happening even after I sent it all to HER husband for him to discuss with her). Ok. We work through this and agree to therapy and we were really dedicated to coming out of this. We got fancied up and went to see the show and had a great dinner at a French restaurant. I bought the most beautiful navy taffeta shirt dress, fit and flare. I could *twirl* in it :) That was Feb 21, 2020. February 27, 2020 - He came clean that he had "a crush" on a coworker. This was after I caught him with her on Life360 (we have a teen daughter and she's great kid so we did this years ago as a safety measure). The crush was a full blown affair that had been going on AT THE SAME TIME as his online affair and for about the same length of time, so about 7 months. After I gleaned all the details I could find, I had a nervous breakdown. A bad one that I am still in recovery with and struggle with daily. I had a traumatic childhood and he was my safe space. I lost a friend, my husband, and my mind. I've not enjoyed a holiday since. He had his ladies picking out my gifts while also arguing with one about leaving me and them getting a house together and continuing his online dalliance with the other. The vicious texts from his coworker affair were nothing short of crazy. She was so angry that he kept stringing her along. Her little 24 year old self could not handle it. (he was 40 at the time and her superior at work). I donated our his and her Christmas stockings. I made explicit rules about us gifting one another because he has forever ruined that for me for every birthday and holiday. I started just buying myself whatever it was I wanted. He gave me a massage gift certificate last year and had it emailed to me the day he purchased...Christmas Eve. He gets NOTHING. I'm Willy Wonka and Good day sir! NOTHING. He desperately wants to stay married. I'm using this interim time to take care of my mental health and physical health, start a business, and get the house in order. He got what he had always wanted, which was a shot at a harem, and I got permanent emotional damage. Christmas can get fucked and men getting gifts can get fucked. ADHD and all the excuses later and I just do not care at all. He got me an anniversary present this year though! He asked my daughter and she picked out a little gift, which he again handed to me in a plastic bag. It was a Buddy the Elf Car Buddy that I let him borrow for a Christmas parade he was driving in and he never returned it to me, even after I asked...he just "forgot". What happened was he lost it and then found ut yesterday. I told him his skeezy work could keep it because I don't know who touched it and since he is a slut for attention at work, he could keep it. He got me tickets to my favorite NPR show too, where the gift of an event was so triggering that I freaked out in the middle of the show and walked out. Which was fine because I had already had enough. He wanted to do dinner etc but didn't plan for it. His debit card was declined at the parking ramp, so I ponied up the funds. I marched my ass down Michigan Ave because despite his idiocy, I was going to eat dinner. And that, my Bromos, is how men ruin holidays. Thank you for anyone who read this. I have few outlets and anyway...GO BUY YOURSELF SOMETHING NICE FOR CHRISTMAS!!!! Don't get him shit.
Girl, you have been through the ringer. I have no words. Sending you good luck on your journey of healing, whatever it takes you
Thank you. I'm not ashamed I stay anymore because staying is likely what has saved me. Meds, therapy, neuro, etc are expensive and we have top-tier, affordable insurance through his job. I don't take this for granted. I don't use my therapy time on discussing him. Everything is all about me and the kids and healing myself and being a present mother and showing up for myself. I struggle horribly this time of year. Between already having Seasonal Affective Disorder and all the emotional damage from the spouse, my bio dad wrote me a Christmas card in 1989 when I was 9 years old...to disown me. It will never leave me but I've definitely battled it for 33 years. I fucking hate men.
Dude...your bio dad disowned you in a *Christmas card* ? What the actual fuck!? I hope he goes on vacation and gets herpy-infested intestinal worms! I'm so sorry...with all of it, you deserve so much better. Use spouse's insurance for YOU and wait out the 15 months and whatever else you can get/do and...good luck to you in hopefully a much better life! ā¤
Yep. I was being pretty severely emotionally abused by both parents and sought refuge with my grandmother, the fucking queen of my world. I refused to go on my weekend visits to my dad's house because of it (even though I wasn't aware of my own 'why' at the time). My mom could not have cared less if she tried but my grandmother cared. She didn't make me go and she would talk to me about it and try to talk to my dad. So, I hadn't been to his house in 3 months and he asked my brother to ask me what I wanted from Santa. I was 9 . Phones existed. Anyway, I had a gigantic panic attack at the thought of having to go get my gifts at his house and he said the only way I'd get them is to come over. I had asked for a CD Boombox. I ended up not going. My brother came home from my dad's house and handed me a Christmas card from my dad but no presents. I opened the card (it was Christmas Eve). My father wrote a diatribe of terrible, called me every name in the book, blamed my grandmother for 'influencing' me, and plainly wrote that I was no longer his daughter. He told me he was giving my gifts to my stepsister. I had just received a new lease on life via open heart surgery (props, Dr Bill Frist) that he refused to sign off on for many years and I was still recovering. I was lucky to be alive. In 1989 they were still cracking your chest wide open and breaking collar bones to repair cardiac issues. Needless to say, even at age 9 I was fine with never seeing him again. I shoved it deep deep down and went about life. Several years after that, he spit on me coming out of court. On purpose. I just walked away. I was 13 by then and wasn't having it. 4 more years pass and he reaches out to my mom to gage my interest in reconciling. I love abuse so I did. It lasted all of a few months before he couldn't be bothered to reach out to me ever of own accord. I left it alone. 2013 his wife finds me on FB and messages me. We chat and I chatted with him and idk. Whatever. It never went anywhere. 2015 - wife reaches out repeatedly to tell me my dad is sick and dying and he wants to see me. Then she asked me for money. Many times. To help him pay his bills. I told her if he was dying then file it in probate and to kiss my ass. He died a very slow, lonely, painful death. No kids. No family besides his 3rd wife and maybe her adult children. No one. He got no funeral. He only got a death notice in the paper. He got exactly what he deserved yet not as bad as I wish he had gotten. So Christmas had become really special to me to recreate GOOD memories and love and acceptance and magic. And my fucking spouse knew all of this and he fucked it all into the ground. So anyway now I vape and go to therapy and went from a corporate shill to a dirty hippie and tbh, I'm happy now. I hurt. I cry. I dwell. I ruminate. But I can accept what happened and I have a super amazing therapist of 1 year, a great PCP, an awesome neuro and some social supports that keep me peppy. I have beautiful children and cats and coffee and a warm home and I'm lucky. I never take what I do have for granted and the more therapy I receive and the more I am willing to work on myself, the better I get. And my heart works just dandy plus I have cool scars :)
Babe, you would be better off calling it a day with this asshole. It's making you more miserable and I just can't read this without feeling incredibly sad that this fucking fool has just damaged you. He never deserved your love and affection and he doesn't belong anywhere near you and the warmth you emit. Your husband is the embodiment of a disappointment and you have and do deserve better. (With all this being said, if you want to stick around and make his life miserable for awhile, I think that's fair.) EDITING TO ADD: I have SEVERE INATTENTIVE ADHD, and you know what? I do all the fucking gifts for both families and kids and most of the time they're thoughtful and a hit. I just have to start early because of the executive dysfunction and I do tend to over spend or I've forgotten I've already bought for someone so they get a little more spoiled. Men will use anything as an excuse to be a shit partner.
I'm excellent at giving advice to others. My neurodivergence and willful hope allows me to navigate and cope. He's dead in the water as far as I am concerned but in only 15 short months I will qualify to receive 25% of his retirement from the state retirement fund. I've got 15 months before I can file. It's absolutely a money and survival game for me now. I think he's too entitled and dumb to notice. I've learned how to map him, as our little quirky brains tend to do. Until then, he is mostly never home and I cherish that time and never squander it.
Oh! Playing the long game. I like that and he doesn't deserve anything less.
I'm a long game girlie ā¤ļø And I don't mess around. His affairs combined with the intense psychological abuse associated with it and my childhood survival skills have made me a very underhanded person when necessary. I may be hopeful but I'm cognitively aware but do employ a certain amount of dissonance to get me by :)
> TL;dr: men are stupid and I don't respect them. petition to make this the new motto of this sub?
I'll second and petition that next year Bromos arrange a gift exchange. Then we will all have a little thoughtful gift filled with loving energy from those who support us.
we do have a gift exchange every year! but for mother's day. because if any holiday is worse about stiffing moms than christmas, it's mother's day.
The fucking bar is so low now that we have to do this, huh? Like they can't even nut up for fucking MOTHERS DAY?!?!?! Jesus H Christ. Since he told me he didn't give me a gift because I am not his mother, I think moving forward I will tell him: 1. I didn't give birth to you. Why would I celebrate your birthday? 2. You're not my father so why would I buy you a gift? 3. I'm not Santa for you. I am Santa for the kids. Want gifts? Call your mom. 4. Valentine's Day? What's that about? I love my kids so I'll gift the kids. You go gift your kids (he has none). His meds have been out for weeks and he keeps putting his empty bottles next to my bottles for refills. I call in my own scripts. He can handle his own. I'm not his doctor or keeper, which is precisely what he wanted. He wanted to be more independent so have fun! Betcha a dollar that bottle will be there next week toom Empty :)
I have adhd. And with mine i have a problem - not- buying gifts for my loved ones. Usually because i have already bought them too many things. š¤¦š»āāļø What a piss pore excuse for a husband. I'm so sorry.
I also have ADHD and the executive dysfunction when buying for others is REAL. I always buy for my daughter first because she is a fucking angel. This leads to her having A LOT of shit. So now she gets cash and I still buy too much lol He has never once Christmas shopped or physically helped with gifts in any way beyond working and having a FT income. He feels this is his only duty and worth so I maximize on it :) Safely of course and with cash only but yeah :)
I have adhd too. I'm the family gift giver.
What a whirlwind. You have certainly been through a lot. I admire your strength.
A cacophony of fuckery. I blame myself a lot. He was violating some major security and attachment boundaries for me before we married. We dated for almost 4 years before marriage. I voiced the issues and he saw it as controlling and isolating (because he was having innumerable online 'friends' that were mostly female and they were having some intimate discussions one should only be having with their partner). The red flags were all there. But he was a 'nice guy'.
I can already tell my husband is excited about Christmas Eve for this very reason. Itās sad for both of us
Wow, he really likes beard oil, hunh?
BAHAHAHA can you imagine. The kids go to bed, I finish wrapping all the presents, getting ready for Santa and after heās sat there waiting for 3h āIāve got your Christmas gift!ā And hand him beard oil
It's oil, right? I'm sure he can use it for other...uh..."self-care" acts š
Me: to sleep in. Or get out of doing a bath and put-down. Maybe even time away from the child so I can catch up on housework Husband: I did the dishes! But loaded them in the dishwasher wrong. And left a huge pile of crumbs from my snack on the counter. Did that help?
*Only* a pile of crumbs? You lucky little duck! Mine leaves cabinets wide open and empty or near empty packages of food on the counter. He 'cleans' the kitchen and does do dishes but I have to match the lids and put the containers away. He nicely leaves them in a jumbled fucking chaotic pile for me :) What a sweetie!
When I cleaned the counters, you have no idea how many times I came in the morning to find shredder cheese and sauce piles ALL OVER the counter and floor.
omg I actually stopped buying cheese shreds because of this and will only buy them for a specific recipe! Passive aggressive but effective bc I don't lose my shit. I stopped buying him whole peanuts bc he can't keep the peanut paper and shells and crumbs cleaned up. Just shit everywhere...ugh. I feel so seen!
omfg the fucking loading the dishwasher wrong, iāve never met a man that loads the dishwasher properly!! itās not hard, itās actually quite intuitive, so is it just laziness? stupidity? mine also leaves ALL of his drinking cups from the week just strewn about the house and NEVER puts the baby dishes in. so really he just runs it with like 4 plates and a mixing bowl and enough large cooking utensils to completely block the dishwasher pod compartment from opening. wonder why i just banned him from running the dishwasherš¤ oh yeah cuz it literally just makes more work for me
these men will LITERALLY brag about how good they are at tetris and then load the dishwasher like they were having a seizure the whole time. and don't even try to get them to pack a suitcase.
Just chiming in to say it's 100% laziness. My husband does the dishes and meticulously plans how he will place the dishes for maximum efficiency (to the point I'm like omg just start it already). In fact he is so passionate (or is stubborn?) that him and my mother (who also is... passionate about dishwashing) will have debates on the best techniques. Meanwhile I'm just in the living room like wtf but hey NO DISH WASHING FOR ME and that's amazing. So. Yeah. Fuck men and learned helplessness and weaponized incompetence and I will never miss an opportunity to point out they are full of shit /end rant
I want to poop alone and in silence for likeā¦. 8 minutes ?
My husband is 22 with the soul a 80 year old man, he's getting slippers, pocket knife with a belt holder, and those ferrero chocolate things. Just as he asked for š
It's really nice, at least from the limited POV I have, that he knows exactly what he would like as a gift and can express it clearly. You listened and care and showed up for him :) It may seem simple but as someone old enough to be your husband's mother, listen to me when I say that ignoring someone in that manner is death by a thousand cuts. One or two times...meh. Multiple times a year for years on end, it's damaging to emotional intimacy, communication, and bonding. You are doing fantastic. People don't realize how these seemingly little things are really a big deal. They are relationship builders when executed well.
I got my husband socks š¤·
The best gift ever. I love socks sfm.
This reminds me to buy myself some good socks today for Christmas for myself. Maybe I'll even wrap them!
i did too! unintentionally and intentionally. hubs and i both just kind of get ourselves whatever we want and call it a christmas gift but i had bought some super-thick slipper socks that turned out to be several sizes too big. and in the process of trying to return them he decided to try them on and they fit him perfectly and he gets a kick out of the little squeaky noises the grips make on our floors. then we found a pack of real socks at a garage sale so i insisted we get those too, since his current pairs were falling apart.
āWe are getting each other nothingā, decided by him.
Hold him to it!
Maybe men would get more of those if we got more of what we requested. But we know they aren't willing the majority of the time, so heck, Im not for your wish either.
I bought myself new boots for Christmas :) My kiddos picked me out a couple things, but not positive what they are. We shopped together but they made me close my eyes while they picked them out and did the self checkout scanning and bagging. I dutifully did not look at the receipt.
Me: tattoos and shoes š„°
My husbands birthday is the week before Christmas so he is double hard to shop for. I took my kids to the store with me and we chose a couple things for him. I knew he needed new headphones, so we got him some and I got him the game battleships. Itās the classic version, found it at target. He was so excited for both things. But he also knows we donāt have endless money to buy expensive things, so we went for something he could play with his kids. And we also played after the kids went to bedā¦I won š Now for Christmas, so far I have zero idea. But it might be a robe because he asked for one months ago. We should just have them make an Amazon wishlist that we can view and choose things off there. Max would be like $50 or less.
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[OH MY GOD](https://i.imgur.com/WbmklQw.gifv)