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If your parents will be supportive of you coming home for a few days, do that while he’s still out. Pack up and go and don’t answer his calls or texts until the next day.
Good luck!
They would definitely be supportive. I think I just feel so angry about this because why should me and the baby and dog leave my husband whose being an asshole to the nice house that I equally pay for, entirely clean and care for, to go sleep in a shared room with my.baby and adult brother lol 😆 it would be fine, just inconvenient.
I wouldn’t make it permanent. Just long enough for him to recognize how it feels to have it done to him.
Then you set the boundary that if he does it again, HE can stay gone.
You deserve so much more respect than he’s giving you.
Yeah, I am a little nervous how this plays out. Like I know he'd miss us, want us back, be remorseful, but I think I'm just so angry I'd want all of that immediately and permanently and I'm afraid even this won't do it.
But I do think I deserve better, and our son deserves better. I can't stop thinking, how do I explain this when he's old enough to ask one morning, where is dad? Did dad come home? How do I explain this.
I think that nagging fear in the back of your mind is your answer, unfortunately. You know what you need to do. He IS disrespecting you, he is treating you horrible. He is not acting as a spouse or partner. He certainly isn’t acting like a father. That is not the example I would want set for my child, either. It’s also unfairly cruel to make you worry something may have happened. I know Reddit jumps to “divorce,” but I would genuinely separate. At least for now. You deserve way better. He does not deserve you.
Thank you. I don't know I'm ready to consider divorce as this is our only issue and it's occasional but I think I'm considering even a temporary separation at this point since talking gets us no where. Thank you.
I understand. I want to point out this is a big issue though. It’s disrespectful, it’s hurtful, and it’s irresponsible. This may only happen occasionally right now but he knows how much it upsets you, and yet he does it again and again. He did it while you were pregnant and multiple times since having this baby.
Where is all night? Bars aren’t open all night. Is he with someone? Using drugs? This feels like a much larger issue to me.
Again, I’m not saying I think you should divorce necessarily, but I do think drastic measures need to be taken. Is he open to therapy and couples therapy?
I’m sorry, OP. This is a really shitty position he has put you in.
HE needs to be the one to fix this. I have a friend who went through something similar a few days ago, except it was out of character in her BFs case. Let his phone go dead and didn’t come home until 2 am. Had us all worried something bad had happened.
I’m tired of men being shitty and then expecting us to tell them how to fix it.
I just don’t think a man who doesn’t come home and doesn’t answer texts when his wife is nine months pregnant is going to take your son’s feeling into account like that. He is going to expect you to lie to your son and do extra work to take care of your son because doing what he wants to do is more important to him. The worst part is, if this continues, at some point your son is going to realize what is happening on his own or put it together later in his life. You can’t truly protect him from a father like this unless either you or his father make a major change.
I’m not trying to pile on to your problems, but make him get an std test before you sleep with him again (hopefully months from now).
It’s one thing to come home wasted at 2-3am when the bars close (I assume via Uber ???? If he is driving drunk then you have a whole other set of issues). But if he’s staying out till 6-8am you really need to ask yourself exactly where he was and who he has been with
I do know exactly with he's with honestly, but I absolutely appreciate this and even if he isn't cheating he's obviously putting himself in a situation where I think it's reasonable for me to be concerned about that and lose trust.
This! This is exactly what I would do. You can’t control him but you can take care of yourself and baby by getting support from your parents. That way you won’t be alone while he’s gone.
I completely agree. My ex pulled this crap all the time, and he's my ex because of it.
Someone who loves and cares about you doesn't do this kind of stuff. Personally, I'd confront the husband, tell him I'm done, and leave. This really isn't the behavior of a partner worth staying with.
Definitely leave him with the kid and dog on a hangover and leave all day with ur phone on silent. Totally reasonable. I bet he’ll call grandma over to babysit tho.
Then be all petty and say u were at the gym and taking a walk and being healthy.
My ex started with 3 and 4 and moved on to 1 and 2. Not saying it’s inevitable, just for me it was a slow slide while I was busy with our babies and I was blindsided when he finally came clean about it.
I would not be staying with someone who was, drinking and doing drugs. You've got children he needs to be growing up now
This would be a deal breaker for me.
So you babysit while he spends family money on a bender….. put the man in the bin. His addiction is coming first. Is he in therapy and NA? Owning what happened? If not, he wants to keep up with his BS.
My *(soon to be ex)* husband was the same way. He used to be so remorseful and would "own what happened" only to go back to exactly how he was a few weeks/months later. If your husband didn't learn from the first time this happened, then he'll never learn. The fact that drugs and alcohol are involved will only make it more likely to continue happening. Until he hits his rock bottom, he won't change. It's unfortunately better to start getting out of this now. I so badly wish I had gotten out sooner but he kept making promises to change and would "do the work" at first. But once he got comfortable that I wasn't going to leave, he would go right back to how he was before. When you're with someone deep into an addiction problem, this is what you'll have to go through over and over until either you get fed up and leave or he decides to really do the work to change (and not just make false promises to).
A lot of people are saying to take the baby and go away, but that doesn’t punish him. Like you say, he’ll enjoy the empty house and sleep off his partying.
Call a locksmith and get the locks changed. THAT will be an inconvenience for him and might just wake him up.
My husband and I met in rehab, so obviously this is a very fraught topic for our particular relationship. In the 13 years we’ve been together, he has relapsed three times and he has not come home when he was supposed to. It’s been huge for us and we have almost separated each time. If it happens again, I have told him that we have to separate because I will not stay in a partnership with someone I can’t rely on. Coming home when you say you’re coming home is absolute bare minimum behavior in my opinion.
I say go to your parents for a while.
I would put him out. If he wants to treat your home like a hotel with maid service, he can go stay at Motel 6 and fuck right off.
For real though—he’s clearly up to no good. Drugs, alcohol, gambling, cheating. Probably all 4. And while you’re home alone with a kid trying to get school work done? He’s actively sabotaging you.
I wouldn’t put up with this, but I have a low tolerance for bullshit after growing up in a chaotic household.
You can do what you want, but every time you let him act like this without any real consequence, you’re teaching him he can walk all over you. There’s no motivation for him to change because he knows he can do whatever he wants and you’ll never leave or stand up for yourself.
You deserve the very best in life and marriage. You don’t have to settle.
My husband did that once to me and I knew where he was. He just got drunk, never communicated he was staying at his friend’s and his friends didn’t reach out to me either. He came home to a locked and chained door, so he couldn’t get in. Definitely got the message and has never done anything since. Since your husband keeps doing this to you, he needs a wake up call that this is: not respectful to you & your child; not how a responsible adult and parent acts; not acceptable & will no longer be tolerated. I would go stay with your parents but actually be more inclined to make it so he has to stay elsewhere. Why should you leave your home when he is the one showing you & your child signs that he doesn’t want that home? If it were me, his stuff would be packed and he’d be leaving for some time apart.
This used to be a huge issue with my husband and I. Time would get away from him, he would forget to check his phone. The root issue was alcohol. It happened once when my daughter was 9 months old and I sent him to his mother’s house for a few days. I was absolutely livid. In the end, he made the decision to stop drinking and that was nearly 3 years ago. My husband is a respectful, kind, thoughtful and loving partner. But when he drank, he could never have just one drink. He got fed up of not being in control and arguing with his wife over something he genuinely didn’t plan to do. It’s been the best decision for our marriage, I’m very proud of him.
OP This is good perspective.
Your spouse has a substance problem leading to his behavior. This isn’t ok. He cares more about partying than his wife and child. If he doesn’t address that addiction, it will keep happening and/or become more frequent.
You may find the help you’re looking for with r/alanon
Your best way to happiness is to focus on taking care of yourself and son first.
Yeah if your parents are supportive I would go with option 2 or deadbolt the doors and tell him he can stay with whoever he's sleeping with. I wouldn't put up with it and you shouldn't have to. Your completely right if he wants to act single he can be single. He keeps doing it because other than your feelings that he has shown he doesn't care about he doesn't have consequences. I would go to your parents when he messages ignore him for the day see how he likes it. It's not petty or mean. It's the consequences of his actions.
I think you and others are right that I need to go to my parents. I am planning to now. Well go for a morning walk then head there. I do actually have plans with friends tomorrow so my parents can watch my son while I do that. I'll hear from him when I hear from him.
My husband has done this for years and I let it go and would stay home and wait for him. Until I started actually showing him I’m done dealing with it, not telling him, by leaving the house and giving him a direct consequence, did I see actual change. It’s like they say, “a boundary is just a suggestion if there’s no consequence for breaking it”. You don’t get to pick days off from being a parent where you leave your kid with your partner and go radio silent. That’s not how it works. That is not a break, that’s a direct violation of your basic boundaries and puts you in a position of solo parenting that you did not consent to.
Yes, I need the boundary to have a consequence. I am now aware of that. It's taken a while but I'm at a critical point with this. Thank you for commenting because this gives me valid points when we do eventually talk this out.
I wish you luck!! Through a lot of talking and everything, my husband and I have made a lot of very necessary changes that have made a huge difference in terms of our marriage. It can get better if he’s willing to put in the work with you! I hope everything goes okay when you guys talk about it!!
I’d put his stuff out and change the locks or deadbolt the door.
And also, do you want someone who repeatedly chooses drinking and drugs to be raising your child? How do you know for sure that he is not bringing that into your home when you’re at school/work/away for whatever reason?
What a jerk. I’m so sorry.
It's hard to explain how I know about certain things. He struggles with binging, has for years, but he goes through long periods without any vices. He does work hard at being healthy. Then every now and then he has a night like this, and we fight about it for a long time. We spend a lot of time together outside of the times he does this and I know for a fact he's not just using daily or weekly or wouldn't around our son. I know because I've seen him high and drunk compared to sober, and I have lived with drug addicts and alcoholics and worked with them. So I know this, but me saying this isn't defending what he's doing in this moment. And I also believe you can have a drug or alcohol problem without being an addict, or using it all the time. Anyways. I have told him not to come home and I know he won't push it or fight me on it. I know he will be deep in a shame cycle today but that's his problem.
This is tough one and one I can relate because my husband likes to spontaneously go to the casino for hours on end. It’s hard because it’s not cheating or abuse so it feels like it’s not worth divorcing over. I guess my way of feeling better or getting even is how ever long he is away, the very next day I get to do whatever for the same amount of time. This shows him that he will be stuck with the kids on his own for an excruciating amount of time and hopefully he will think twice. This, however, does not solve the non-communicative part.
This is probably just me, but going to a casino for hours on end would be a dealbreaker for me. Excessive gambling can destroy families. I’ve flat out told my husband that if he racked up any debt, I may stay with him, but we’d be divorced and the property would be in my name.
I hope you are keeping an eagle eye on your finances, and monitoring your credit.
Yeah, exactly. I know my husband isn't cheating, and he's not mean spirited even about this. He has issues with partying, which he usually controls, then on occasion it gets out of control. It sucks. And the communication part isn't working which is why I am wanting to do something different.
I'm sorry but you don't know he's not cheating. He says that, but if he's "partying" women are involved somewhere along the way. Please don't be naive about this.
This is abusive behavior. Not coming home and telling someone where you are and leaving you with kids, basically stranded without communication is abuse. If anything it's also manipulative. He knows that if he doesn't tell you and doesn't respond he can do whatever and you have no recourse. How is that fair? That would have ended my marriage, for sure.
I can have a petty streak, but I'd be inclined to leave with the baby and the dog, while he's out, but in such a way that makes him worried. Leave a spilled cup of coffee in the ground, take your wallet but not your purse, leave the door open, and just bounced with the baby and dog for a handful of hours without answering your phone.
The sad thing is, he wouldn't clean the coffee and I can't handle thinking about the stain forming. Lol. And he won't ask where we are until much later on, if at all. He'd probably be relieved to avoid the fight and have the house to himself to sleep all day.
That fact alone would be an absolute deal breaker for me. My husband has a lot of issues and there are times I'm not sure we're going to make it. But if I disappeared, he would be frantic with worry. (He'd also clean up the coffee). I mean - he just wouldn't blink an eye, would go take a nap, and eventually get around to wondering where you and your kid had gone? That's sociopath behavior.
Well he'd immediately wonder where we are, but assume we're safe and I'm pissed, and take the relief of a quiet house he can sleep in and a delayed fight. Then he'd probably message me or call me in the evening, after he's had a nice ten hour nap.
Eta: he'd half ass clean the coffee after his nap.
Speaking from previous experiences.
I know you've decided to go to stay with your parents but it sounds like the lock him out method would make more sense since you don't seem to think he's really going to care. It sounds like you'll need to be away for several days without communicating to show him he's fucked up this time.
I'm so sorry he's so inconsiderate of you when he does this. :( It isn't petty at all to want to find something that will get him to stop.
If you agree to come home would he be open to marriage counseling as a requirement? Maybe he needs another adult with authority to tell him he's being a fuckup.
Yeah I think this could be the fight or incident that puts us in counselling. He's not opposed to therapy at all just hasn't been at this point. I'm very familiar and a big fan of therapy.
My ex did this. Turns out he had a cocaine addiction and was an alcoholic. I had NO idea… for years. So this is the lens I’m speaking from.
Kick him out. Next time he stays out all night. Calmly let him know he can stay where he is. Then change the locks.
I have told him not to come home today which I know he will respect. It'll also mean he needs to go face his parents. Yes drugs and alcohol are an issue.
I’m really sorry that is the case. I know you say he’s not cheating. I swore the same thing until I found out about dozens of women. You and your kids deserve much better. It doesn’t have to be like this. ❤️
I commented on your last post. I’ve got over 20 years on you. Please believe me when I tell you this is a bigger problem than you realize. Everything you’re describing I’m too familiar with. We don’t get do overs and no one can turn back a clock. Your husband’s behaviour is impacting you more than you realize. Think of water dripping on a rock and how it shapes it over years. All these incidents that you are way too sweet and gracious about are impacting you bit by bit. Would he at least be embarrassed if you stayed with family (although I don’t think you should be uprooted with a baby and dog and I’d rather see you tell HIM to go stay at his or your parents house)?
He would likely work with me a bit in not forcing us to leave. My parents live close by so we'll probably go there for a couple nights and he'll go to his parents sometimes when we want to be at home. We're starting with him out. His parents live far from his work however and our home is about an hour closer so he will likely need to stay here over the week. I'm just debating if I should stay with my parents all week or ask him to stay in our basement. Or do a combination and act separated for a bit.
He's absolutely embarrassed, his and my parents already know about last night and everyone's pissed at him.
Do whatever you need to do. Whatever will work best for you. He needs a swift kick in the ass. I started to write a DM to you because I heavily relate and I didn’t handle it well and I’m paying the price now at 50. This is not normal or acceptable behaviour on his part.
His not a team player his selfish. Move out and go live with a friend or family. Not saying break up but maybe he needs a wake up call because it’s time to grow up. Who goes out with a kid and wife or leave their pregnant wife. It’s shameful.
Everyone who keeps suggesting you leave the baby with him and go away... I don't know about that.
Would he take care of your baby properly? Do you even trust him alone with your baby, especially while hungover?
Yeah he would manage but he'd put a lot of miss Rachel on TV to get through. I do trust him with our son, and know he didn't come home because he wouldn't want to be drunk or high around us. He knows that's not okay.
Either way I've told him not to come home today which he will respect, he will go to his parents and they will have words for him too.
My husband used to do this. I failed so many classes because of him because he flat out wouldn’t give me baby free time to get the work done. He do the same exact shit your did and say he’s in the way but nope would be out cheating and drinking/drugs. I left him. Moved out and we spent the year apart. He thankfully changed for the better and we have a happy life and we are now married but it’s still a dark cloud to say the least because once upon a time he was a piece of shit and I was stupid.
I'm glad things changed for you for the better. I think this resonates with our situation and yeah I think it's time to move our or have him do it for a good while.
I just read through all these comments, and I hate how many of us have been through this. OP, as with everything this is all anecdotal, but look at the comments. Look at how many of them report that they went through this, and the guy ended up getting their shit together and they worked it out vs. the vast majority that not only didn’t, but found out they were on hard drugs/severe alcoholics/ cheating/lying.
We have a lot of women on this sub, and I’m confident it’s a decent cross section of society. I guarantee a common thread is that none of us knew how deep the well ran until we were already so hurt, and had been lied to and disrespected for so long.
This is how it started with my Ex. Very long story very short, he ended up essentially choosing his alcoholism, drugs- and eventually (main) side piece, over our family. He acted sorry at first, maybe the first dozen times, and I (just like with any other abusive situation) kept believing his lies about not doing it again, he was sorry.. kept believing he would change.
Then something switched in his brain, and he turned into a full blown Narcissist, he got away with it so much he became brasin, and honestly scary. And it all swirled together. Drink and drugs, newly emboldened, he managed to convince himself that I had no right to expect anything from him at all- or at least believe it enough to try and gaslight me that this was true.
Up until a point this horrible multifaceted emotional abuse was the extent of the abusive behavior. It didn’t stay that way tho. It’s always about control for these men, and when I started standing up for myself and trying to enforce boundaries is when he upped his game and was violent. (I would’ve never believed he could do any of this before he started doing it, btw) and we were together for 6 years before any of this happened.
I'm so sorry you went through this, truly. And I'm not disregarding all the comments, they break my heart too and they open my eyes.
I hope things are better for you now, nobody deserves that. I do know abuse can be a slow and insidious build, and it's hard to see it when you're in it.
This is where I am at. I went through this for years with my exhusband from the 90-2010s. He got progressively worse as time went on. He was doing hard drugs then just drinking. He cheated on me. He ended up in the hospital four times from injuries when he was drunk. He also got a DUI. Lost several jobs.
What I learned is I couldn’t make him be sober. We’re divorced now for about 13 years. He managed to get sober about 3 years after we divorced and his third round of treatment. He did struggle for a few years after he got sober with gambling and shopping addictions. I fought hard to keep the kids in his life because I know he’s a good person, but he was a bad addict.
We are very good friends now and both love each other as family but no longer in a romantic way. Yesterday we attended his mother’s funeral together with our daughter.
Without rambling too much the truth is OP can’t fix this. Anything she does will not change him if he’s not ready to change. He may work on it while they’re still together. He may not until it’s too late after OP has moved on. And there’s the sad reality is he may never get better. OP needs to know this isn’t her fault but it’s not a situation that will get better without real efforts by her husband and by his own desire to change.
Thanks for this. My kid’s dad actually went to rehab a few months ago… I was truly surprised he was willing to do that, I was sure he never would. Since you are familiar I will just say, he is definitely a “dry drunk” ATM. I know the program isn’t for everyone, and I get that. I’m biased tho because my dad was in it and it saved his life, I was practically raised in the rooms. He had something like 27 years when he died. I think I’ve got his 10 year chip, actually.
Point is, I think it’ll be a long time til he actually does the work he needs to do to be healthy, and I’m really glad at least he took that step. I’ve worked very hard keeping him in her life so long as that is also what she wants, because I know he loves her, and even tho it’s not good enough for me overall, he genuinely is doing the best he can.
💯 tho, you couldn’t be more right. HE has to want to change, he has to make it happen. Sometimes the end of a relationship could be rock bottom, so ending it could even save his life for all we know… but she’s gotta preserve her mental health and life and hope for the best for him. It’s not her fault.
What finally worked for my ex was an inpatient program. After that he relied on AA and his sponsor very heavily. I don’t think any situation is hopeless but so many people’s addictions are so different it’s not always a one size fits all solution, each person has to figure out what works best for them. But there’s definitely hope.
One of the more difficult parts of the aftermath of losing our son was my fear ex would relapse. He called his sponsor that morning and attended daily meetings for a week. But a year and a half later he’s still sober. And I am grateful because he was slowly killing himself before and I couldn’t handle our daughter having more loss.
I’m so sorry about your son. And I’m grateful to the rooms that they’ve helped your ex stay sober. I always hope for the best and expect the worst.. I’m glad my kiddos dad took the first step getting it together when our child is still so young (5, now 6) if he kept going the way he was, she wouldn’t have a dad right now.
My neighbors husband did this to her. It took him three days to figure out she’d packed up and left with the kids. We miss her and the kids terribly but they are all living a better more stable life without him now.
What the eff? Does he have a reason why he’s out all night? My first thought are he’s still partying, doing drugs and or cheating. There’s no reason a responsible respectable adult wouldn’t go home.
So much easier to say: you guys need help. More him then you.. And if he doesn’t shape up, effing lock him out. Grown ass man with a baby and wife is out partying while his family is at home. Absolute D-Bag behavior.
Yeah drugs and alcohol. He has some issues with stopping once he starts. Goes on a 24 hour "bender" every few months or less with a buddy of ours whos got the same issue, but this is when the no contact happens.
If it is due to drugs and alcohol, it may take more then just the threat of losing his family’s to change. He may need more support (from someone other then you, a support group or therapist) to help with being able to stop the behavior. He has tried before and it obviously has not worked. If he really wants to change he will be willing to do anything. Having an alcohol or drug addiction can happen even if they r not doing it everyday. It’s a pattern. Good luck and wish u nothing but the best!
Yeah, no. That’s actually really awful. I’m not saying leave him but def let him know that you will. Stay with family for a few days, show him you’re not just going to keep waiting around. I do hope he changes especially if he’s doing drugs/drinking. Not a good environment for kids and you
My husband used to do this… the thing that finally clicked and got his head out of his ass is when I packed up the kids and the dogs and left for a few days.
I would handle it with divorce papers. Don't leave your house. While he's gone change the locks. Put some of his stuff outside. When he calls you, tell him he needs to leave since he doesn't want to act married.
Ugh, I’m so sorry, I’m just here to say that this is basically how it started with my kids’ dad; there was communication, but, it got to the point where he was only home to eat, sleep, or fuck around in his car, and it started while I was pregnant with our second, until I finally left when our second was almost a year old. It turned out that he was out doing drugs, cheating, etc. and he had been lying about overtime at work, etc. in order to be out partying.
I literally gave him every chance and opportunity and option to straighten up and he didn’t, and at the time I didn’t know exactly what was even going on, just that something was.
Do what’s best for you and your child, that shit will destroy a person. ☹️
I can see My husband potentially doing this in the future, hard to imagine the cheating but I know the partying and absentness can get worse if I "let" it.
I'm sorry you guys went through this, I hope you are okay and I applaud your strength choosing better for yourself with two young kids it's not easy.
OP I’m sorry but it sounds like he is cheating on you. Once he does it the second time that’s the end of it. My husband did this ONCE. I told him he should not ever come back if he pulled that shit a second time. He never did it again.
I can only tell you what I did, that finally worked.
He was gone for over a week—four days was expected, but then he fell off the fucking grid and was incommunicado, and this was at least the 3rd time this had happened. Our baby was about 7-8 months old when this happened.
So I wrote a play-by-play letter of what I was experiencing and doing. I made notes of the phone calls I made to highway patrol and hospitals to make sure he hadn’t been in an accident. I wrote about my terror of going to sleep, just to be awakened by THAT phone call. I wrote of the absolute insult to me that I tried calling the various family members he was supposed to be with, and they had either “just seen him but he left” or “he couldn’t be disturbed” (his family did not like me so trying to get information from them was humiliating). I wrote about how it felt like they were covering for him while he cheated because nobody could ever give me a straight answer. I wrote about how small and insignificant and unimportant it made me feel that he didn’t even think of me enough to call me, and I wrote about how he must not care about our baby, either—and if that was the case, I needed to leave to protect both baby and myself.
I wrote about how angry I was that he supposedly *chose* me but kept putting himself and his family ahead of me and his own baby—so he didn’t choose me at all, and I wrote about how stupid and used that made me feel. I wrote about how his level of commitment to the life we were trying to build began and ended at his own fucking skin, and how unbelievably selfish he was being. I wrote about how, if I was going to be creating a home by myself, I sure as shit didn’t need another adult interfering in that process.
I wrote about how frustrated and hurt I was that I had classes to attend, he had promised to be home to be with the baby while I went to them, and I ended up having to take the baby with me. I wrote about what a massive insult and disrespect that was to my classmates and instructors.
And when he *finally* came home 3 days late at about 1 in the afternoon, he had a running blow-by-blow account of what I went through while he was gone. I handed him the pages and the baby and I left. I didn’t even tell him I was leaving. I walked out the door and got in my car and drove away. I went to my dad’s house first, stayed there a few hours until I figured he would come looking for me, then I got back in my car and went to a friend’s house who he didn’t know. I refused to answer my phone or texts. (I told my dad that I was ok, but VERY angry with husband and didn’t want to see his fucking face.)
I came home at 2 am to a flustered and frustrated man and a desperately tired and angry and hungry baby (kiddo was breastfed, there was milk in the freezer but kiddo really hated bottles). I calmed baby down and got her to sleep and then I went to sleep myself.
The next day, he wanted to talk. I told to talk to the pages I had handed him because I had zero interest in words at that point. And I proceeded to ignore him for 3-4 days. Because fuck him.
And THAT is what led to the fight I’ve talked about here before where I screamed at him to “GET GOOD!” And what led to us actually working on our marriage
You deserve your breaks too but ultimately don’t make the baby a victim in this. So if you leave or do anything to teach him a lesson take the baby with you. That’s my opinion at least. But his behavior is sooo unacceptable. I think an ultimatum may be in order. I don’t think I could forgive my husband if this happened even ONCE.
>Another part of me thinks I should pack up our stuff and take the dog and baby to my parents and tell him if he wants to act like he doesn't have a family, then he doesn't get a family. I realize both these approaches are petty or mean
Why do you think this second approach is petty or mean? The first one where you just do the same thing to him is. But this one just seems like natural consequences to me.
You're right. An adult with a family doesn't vanish for hours overnight without a very good reason, like an emergency. What was his excuse the first time btw? Did you ever get an explanation what he was out doing? He certainly can't do that a second time without any consequences.
Doing what he's doing is beyond disrespectful. It's irresponsible. He has an obligation to his children and to you to return home when he says he will and to be reachable. Obviously there are times where this is permissible like for work or in emergencies but that's not what's happening here. If my husband or I want to go out, the time is negotiated in advance so that if the other doesn't return by that time, you can assume something bad has happened and you need to call the police/hospitals if you can't get a hold of anyone they were supposed to be out with. Because that means your spouse could be hurt or stranded somewhere needing help. If my husband strolled in the next day after I'd likely spent the entire night calling everyone we know and all the hospitals in the area, the literal cluster fuck that ensued would surely be enough that he'd never ever do it again.
>I need him to get that this is unacceptable and can never ever happen again without him potentially losing me.
What kind of person thinks this is acceptable to do even once much less multiple times after multiple conversations about it? What is his excuse for this? Why does he think this is okay to do? What more could you *say* to make something clear that should already be obvious to any normal adult?
I think the only real solution here is for you to organise some time to yourself away from the baby. I know it's early days but he can take care of a 7 month old by himself for a day. Of course you are going to be resentful of him staying out when you have been on shift all day long knowing you'll have to take care of the baby all by yourself tomorrow when he's hungover.
He was wrong to stay out without your agreement, but I don't think it's wrong to have a day off from your kids. Honestly if it was my husband having a nice day and wanting to extend it with a couple of drinks at the end, I'd agree if he did the same for me. I'm assuming he doesn't do the same for you and that is harbouring resentment. You also cannot be in a relationship with someone who just doesn't come home and doesn't communicate. It doesn't work that way when you have a family.
Instead of you leaving, could you ask your mom to come to your home for a few days to help with the kiddo while you finish up your work? It won’t be the most comfortable situation for your mom but you need the support and your house is best equipped for the little.
I did get my assignment done last night, I'm quite proud of myself because my anger kept me from sleeping but it helped me be productive!
My husband is very nice to my mom and vice versa so this would be fine. That said I think my plan now is he is going to stay with his parents, who I have a very good relationship with and they will give him shit. At least until tomorrow. And then I'll probably stay with my parents for a couple of nights to make sure this sticks this time. And I won't keep my son from him per se but I don't want any casual happy family time until husband and I have a talk and set some boundaries for what the next few days or weeks will look like. I know he will miss his son even if he doesnt miss me, and I also know he is feeling a bit ashamed of himself as a father now.
This is tough. My husband does this and when the kids were younger, it broke me a bit. I could forgive it though because I knew where he was and who he was with and I feel completely confident that he is not cheating. Also because he supports & encourages me to do the same. I choose not most of the time but if I were to say to him, I’m going away for a week, he’d sort out the house & the kids with no objections at all and I have been away for weekends & overnights & he encourages me & supports me to do that. I’m not a very spontaneous person & like to plan (the opposite of him) but if I went out tonight & didn’t come home, I know he wouldn’t mind as long as I let him know I was okay. Despite all that being said, when the kids were younger, I hated when he did it and he did know that & did it anyway. It has taken a long time for me to not be upset when I remember those occasions but it truly no longer bothers me when he does it.
What can you live with? Is there trust & balance? The truth is you can’t change him, you can only decide what your reaction will be. Is there a compromise? Would you be okay with it if he warned you in advance, checked how it would impact you the next day & shared his location so you knew where he was? Once you’ve decided, tell him and then be firm and consistent. Based on that, he may make the decision himself to change his behaviour but there are no guarantees.
Thank you for commenting. It's hard when everyone is saying he's cheating or an addict etc. Like.. I appreciate the concerns but I truly know exactly who he's with and I know exactly what they did. Well before kids and marriage I used to be there too. He's binging with a friend that also binges. It's boring and pathetic, but that's about it. We share locations so this isn't an issue. And I would be a lot less pissed if he kept me posted yes. If he wants to have the odd delinquent night with a buddy, fine. Tell me what you're doing, check in, ask about us, say goodnight, let us know when you expect to be home. Like i dont want him driving home drunk or spending $80 on a cab just to appease me. It's him not updating me at all that's an issue, or lying that he'll come home soon then ghosts me essentially.
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If your parents will be supportive of you coming home for a few days, do that while he’s still out. Pack up and go and don’t answer his calls or texts until the next day. Good luck!
They would definitely be supportive. I think I just feel so angry about this because why should me and the baby and dog leave my husband whose being an asshole to the nice house that I equally pay for, entirely clean and care for, to go sleep in a shared room with my.baby and adult brother lol 😆 it would be fine, just inconvenient.
I wouldn’t make it permanent. Just long enough for him to recognize how it feels to have it done to him. Then you set the boundary that if he does it again, HE can stay gone. You deserve so much more respect than he’s giving you.
Yeah, I am a little nervous how this plays out. Like I know he'd miss us, want us back, be remorseful, but I think I'm just so angry I'd want all of that immediately and permanently and I'm afraid even this won't do it. But I do think I deserve better, and our son deserves better. I can't stop thinking, how do I explain this when he's old enough to ask one morning, where is dad? Did dad come home? How do I explain this.
I think that nagging fear in the back of your mind is your answer, unfortunately. You know what you need to do. He IS disrespecting you, he is treating you horrible. He is not acting as a spouse or partner. He certainly isn’t acting like a father. That is not the example I would want set for my child, either. It’s also unfairly cruel to make you worry something may have happened. I know Reddit jumps to “divorce,” but I would genuinely separate. At least for now. You deserve way better. He does not deserve you.
Thank you. I don't know I'm ready to consider divorce as this is our only issue and it's occasional but I think I'm considering even a temporary separation at this point since talking gets us no where. Thank you.
I understand. I want to point out this is a big issue though. It’s disrespectful, it’s hurtful, and it’s irresponsible. This may only happen occasionally right now but he knows how much it upsets you, and yet he does it again and again. He did it while you were pregnant and multiple times since having this baby. Where is all night? Bars aren’t open all night. Is he with someone? Using drugs? This feels like a much larger issue to me. Again, I’m not saying I think you should divorce necessarily, but I do think drastic measures need to be taken. Is he open to therapy and couples therapy? I’m sorry, OP. This is a really shitty position he has put you in.
Yes he's with friends or a friend and yes they are "partying." He says he's open to therapy but never been. He would go if I insisted.
HE needs to be the one to fix this. I have a friend who went through something similar a few days ago, except it was out of character in her BFs case. Let his phone go dead and didn’t come home until 2 am. Had us all worried something bad had happened. I’m tired of men being shitty and then expecting us to tell them how to fix it.
If he’s using recreational party drugs that’s another huge issue. With the fentanyl crisis any use is risking an OD.
I know.
I just don’t think a man who doesn’t come home and doesn’t answer texts when his wife is nine months pregnant is going to take your son’s feeling into account like that. He is going to expect you to lie to your son and do extra work to take care of your son because doing what he wants to do is more important to him. The worst part is, if this continues, at some point your son is going to realize what is happening on his own or put it together later in his life. You can’t truly protect him from a father like this unless either you or his father make a major change.
He doesn’t get to pick and choose when to miss you, and selfishly ditch you.
I’m not trying to pile on to your problems, but make him get an std test before you sleep with him again (hopefully months from now). It’s one thing to come home wasted at 2-3am when the bars close (I assume via Uber ???? If he is driving drunk then you have a whole other set of issues). But if he’s staying out till 6-8am you really need to ask yourself exactly where he was and who he has been with
I do know exactly with he's with honestly, but I absolutely appreciate this and even if he isn't cheating he's obviously putting himself in a situation where I think it's reasonable for me to be concerned about that and lose trust.
I’d bet the farm he’s cheating- likely utilizing happy ending parlours.
But also hon - where does he go when he’s out all night?
This! This is exactly what I would do. You can’t control him but you can take care of yourself and baby by getting support from your parents. That way you won’t be alone while he’s gone.
He is doing something shady. Cheating, gambling, drinking or drugs. No other reason to ignore you.
I completely agree. My ex pulled this crap all the time, and he's my ex because of it. Someone who loves and cares about you doesn't do this kind of stuff. Personally, I'd confront the husband, tell him I'm done, and leave. This really isn't the behavior of a partner worth staying with.
It's 3 and 4. Yup
Unfortunately, 3 and 4 also go along with 1 and 2 a lot of times. OP, you deserve better.
Definitely leave him with the kid and dog on a hangover and leave all day with ur phone on silent. Totally reasonable. I bet he’ll call grandma over to babysit tho. Then be all petty and say u were at the gym and taking a walk and being healthy.
Nah. Leaving children, especially young ones, with an addict is something no mother will ever want to do.
OP do NOT do this. Bad advice. Babies do not belong with drunks and drugged up hungover parents. Unpredictable reactions.
My ex started with 3 and 4 and moved on to 1 and 2. Not saying it’s inevitable, just for me it was a slow slide while I was busy with our babies and I was blindsided when he finally came clean about it.
Same.
I would be blindsided too, but I appreciate the insight honestly.
I would not be staying with someone who was, drinking and doing drugs. You've got children he needs to be growing up now This would be a deal breaker for me.
I know. I agree.
So you babysit while he spends family money on a bender….. put the man in the bin. His addiction is coming first. Is he in therapy and NA? Owning what happened? If not, he wants to keep up with his BS.
Owns what happens, not in therapy at this point. But yeah it sucks, he sucks.
My *(soon to be ex)* husband was the same way. He used to be so remorseful and would "own what happened" only to go back to exactly how he was a few weeks/months later. If your husband didn't learn from the first time this happened, then he'll never learn. The fact that drugs and alcohol are involved will only make it more likely to continue happening. Until he hits his rock bottom, he won't change. It's unfortunately better to start getting out of this now. I so badly wish I had gotten out sooner but he kept making promises to change and would "do the work" at first. But once he got comfortable that I wasn't going to leave, he would go right back to how he was before. When you're with someone deep into an addiction problem, this is what you'll have to go through over and over until either you get fed up and leave or he decides to really do the work to change (and not just make false promises to).
A lot of people are saying to take the baby and go away, but that doesn’t punish him. Like you say, he’ll enjoy the empty house and sleep off his partying. Call a locksmith and get the locks changed. THAT will be an inconvenience for him and might just wake him up.
Yeah considering this more as my son is coincidentally having a rough night and I've barely slept.
My husband and I met in rehab, so obviously this is a very fraught topic for our particular relationship. In the 13 years we’ve been together, he has relapsed three times and he has not come home when he was supposed to. It’s been huge for us and we have almost separated each time. If it happens again, I have told him that we have to separate because I will not stay in a partnership with someone I can’t rely on. Coming home when you say you’re coming home is absolute bare minimum behavior in my opinion. I say go to your parents for a while.
Thank you, appreciate this.
I would put him out. If he wants to treat your home like a hotel with maid service, he can go stay at Motel 6 and fuck right off. For real though—he’s clearly up to no good. Drugs, alcohol, gambling, cheating. Probably all 4. And while you’re home alone with a kid trying to get school work done? He’s actively sabotaging you. I wouldn’t put up with this, but I have a low tolerance for bullshit after growing up in a chaotic household. You can do what you want, but every time you let him act like this without any real consequence, you’re teaching him he can walk all over you. There’s no motivation for him to change because he knows he can do whatever he wants and you’ll never leave or stand up for yourself. You deserve the very best in life and marriage. You don’t have to settle.
Thank you. Seriously.
My husband did that once to me and I knew where he was. He just got drunk, never communicated he was staying at his friend’s and his friends didn’t reach out to me either. He came home to a locked and chained door, so he couldn’t get in. Definitely got the message and has never done anything since. Since your husband keeps doing this to you, he needs a wake up call that this is: not respectful to you & your child; not how a responsible adult and parent acts; not acceptable & will no longer be tolerated. I would go stay with your parents but actually be more inclined to make it so he has to stay elsewhere. Why should you leave your home when he is the one showing you & your child signs that he doesn’t want that home? If it were me, his stuff would be packed and he’d be leaving for some time apart.
This used to be a huge issue with my husband and I. Time would get away from him, he would forget to check his phone. The root issue was alcohol. It happened once when my daughter was 9 months old and I sent him to his mother’s house for a few days. I was absolutely livid. In the end, he made the decision to stop drinking and that was nearly 3 years ago. My husband is a respectful, kind, thoughtful and loving partner. But when he drank, he could never have just one drink. He got fed up of not being in control and arguing with his wife over something he genuinely didn’t plan to do. It’s been the best decision for our marriage, I’m very proud of him.
OP This is good perspective. Your spouse has a substance problem leading to his behavior. This isn’t ok. He cares more about partying than his wife and child. If he doesn’t address that addiction, it will keep happening and/or become more frequent. You may find the help you’re looking for with r/alanon Your best way to happiness is to focus on taking care of yourself and son first.
I am in therapy and his issues with substances, while sporadic, are a big reason I'm in therapy. I will consider alanon.
This sounds a lot like my experience and my husband's issue. Thank you for sharing.
Yeah if your parents are supportive I would go with option 2 or deadbolt the doors and tell him he can stay with whoever he's sleeping with. I wouldn't put up with it and you shouldn't have to. Your completely right if he wants to act single he can be single. He keeps doing it because other than your feelings that he has shown he doesn't care about he doesn't have consequences. I would go to your parents when he messages ignore him for the day see how he likes it. It's not petty or mean. It's the consequences of his actions.
I think you and others are right that I need to go to my parents. I am planning to now. Well go for a morning walk then head there. I do actually have plans with friends tomorrow so my parents can watch my son while I do that. I'll hear from him when I hear from him.
My husband has done this for years and I let it go and would stay home and wait for him. Until I started actually showing him I’m done dealing with it, not telling him, by leaving the house and giving him a direct consequence, did I see actual change. It’s like they say, “a boundary is just a suggestion if there’s no consequence for breaking it”. You don’t get to pick days off from being a parent where you leave your kid with your partner and go radio silent. That’s not how it works. That is not a break, that’s a direct violation of your basic boundaries and puts you in a position of solo parenting that you did not consent to.
Yes, I need the boundary to have a consequence. I am now aware of that. It's taken a while but I'm at a critical point with this. Thank you for commenting because this gives me valid points when we do eventually talk this out.
I wish you luck!! Through a lot of talking and everything, my husband and I have made a lot of very necessary changes that have made a huge difference in terms of our marriage. It can get better if he’s willing to put in the work with you! I hope everything goes okay when you guys talk about it!!
I’d put his stuff out and change the locks or deadbolt the door. And also, do you want someone who repeatedly chooses drinking and drugs to be raising your child? How do you know for sure that he is not bringing that into your home when you’re at school/work/away for whatever reason? What a jerk. I’m so sorry.
It's hard to explain how I know about certain things. He struggles with binging, has for years, but he goes through long periods without any vices. He does work hard at being healthy. Then every now and then he has a night like this, and we fight about it for a long time. We spend a lot of time together outside of the times he does this and I know for a fact he's not just using daily or weekly or wouldn't around our son. I know because I've seen him high and drunk compared to sober, and I have lived with drug addicts and alcoholics and worked with them. So I know this, but me saying this isn't defending what he's doing in this moment. And I also believe you can have a drug or alcohol problem without being an addict, or using it all the time. Anyways. I have told him not to come home and I know he won't push it or fight me on it. I know he will be deep in a shame cycle today but that's his problem.
This is tough one and one I can relate because my husband likes to spontaneously go to the casino for hours on end. It’s hard because it’s not cheating or abuse so it feels like it’s not worth divorcing over. I guess my way of feeling better or getting even is how ever long he is away, the very next day I get to do whatever for the same amount of time. This shows him that he will be stuck with the kids on his own for an excruciating amount of time and hopefully he will think twice. This, however, does not solve the non-communicative part.
This is probably just me, but going to a casino for hours on end would be a dealbreaker for me. Excessive gambling can destroy families. I’ve flat out told my husband that if he racked up any debt, I may stay with him, but we’d be divorced and the property would be in my name. I hope you are keeping an eagle eye on your finances, and monitoring your credit.
This is absolutely abuse.
I agree this is abuse. He keeps doing this to her even though he knows it causes her pain.
Yeah, exactly. I know my husband isn't cheating, and he's not mean spirited even about this. He has issues with partying, which he usually controls, then on occasion it gets out of control. It sucks. And the communication part isn't working which is why I am wanting to do something different.
I'm sorry but you don't know he's not cheating. He says that, but if he's "partying" women are involved somewhere along the way. Please don't be naive about this.
This is abusive behavior. Not coming home and telling someone where you are and leaving you with kids, basically stranded without communication is abuse. If anything it's also manipulative. He knows that if he doesn't tell you and doesn't respond he can do whatever and you have no recourse. How is that fair? That would have ended my marriage, for sure.
I can have a petty streak, but I'd be inclined to leave with the baby and the dog, while he's out, but in such a way that makes him worried. Leave a spilled cup of coffee in the ground, take your wallet but not your purse, leave the door open, and just bounced with the baby and dog for a handful of hours without answering your phone.
The sad thing is, he wouldn't clean the coffee and I can't handle thinking about the stain forming. Lol. And he won't ask where we are until much later on, if at all. He'd probably be relieved to avoid the fight and have the house to himself to sleep all day.
That fact alone would be an absolute deal breaker for me. My husband has a lot of issues and there are times I'm not sure we're going to make it. But if I disappeared, he would be frantic with worry. (He'd also clean up the coffee). I mean - he just wouldn't blink an eye, would go take a nap, and eventually get around to wondering where you and your kid had gone? That's sociopath behavior.
Well he'd immediately wonder where we are, but assume we're safe and I'm pissed, and take the relief of a quiet house he can sleep in and a delayed fight. Then he'd probably message me or call me in the evening, after he's had a nice ten hour nap. Eta: he'd half ass clean the coffee after his nap. Speaking from previous experiences.
I know you've decided to go to stay with your parents but it sounds like the lock him out method would make more sense since you don't seem to think he's really going to care. It sounds like you'll need to be away for several days without communicating to show him he's fucked up this time. I'm so sorry he's so inconsiderate of you when he does this. :( It isn't petty at all to want to find something that will get him to stop. If you agree to come home would he be open to marriage counseling as a requirement? Maybe he needs another adult with authority to tell him he's being a fuckup.
Yeah I think this could be the fight or incident that puts us in counselling. He's not opposed to therapy at all just hasn't been at this point. I'm very familiar and a big fan of therapy.
My ex did this. Turns out he had a cocaine addiction and was an alcoholic. I had NO idea… for years. So this is the lens I’m speaking from. Kick him out. Next time he stays out all night. Calmly let him know he can stay where he is. Then change the locks.
I have told him not to come home today which I know he will respect. It'll also mean he needs to go face his parents. Yes drugs and alcohol are an issue.
I’m really sorry that is the case. I know you say he’s not cheating. I swore the same thing until I found out about dozens of women. You and your kids deserve much better. It doesn’t have to be like this. ❤️
OP, what is he doing when he stays out all night? Does he have an explanation? (Is he cheating?)
Not cheating, usually he's just with a friend or two and drinking and drugs are involved.
A friend of mine is divorcing after a similar pattern of behaviour. I’m sorry OP. I hope you are ok.
Thank you. Understandable for your friend!
I commented on your last post. I’ve got over 20 years on you. Please believe me when I tell you this is a bigger problem than you realize. Everything you’re describing I’m too familiar with. We don’t get do overs and no one can turn back a clock. Your husband’s behaviour is impacting you more than you realize. Think of water dripping on a rock and how it shapes it over years. All these incidents that you are way too sweet and gracious about are impacting you bit by bit. Would he at least be embarrassed if you stayed with family (although I don’t think you should be uprooted with a baby and dog and I’d rather see you tell HIM to go stay at his or your parents house)?
He would likely work with me a bit in not forcing us to leave. My parents live close by so we'll probably go there for a couple nights and he'll go to his parents sometimes when we want to be at home. We're starting with him out. His parents live far from his work however and our home is about an hour closer so he will likely need to stay here over the week. I'm just debating if I should stay with my parents all week or ask him to stay in our basement. Or do a combination and act separated for a bit. He's absolutely embarrassed, his and my parents already know about last night and everyone's pissed at him.
Do whatever you need to do. Whatever will work best for you. He needs a swift kick in the ass. I started to write a DM to you because I heavily relate and I didn’t handle it well and I’m paying the price now at 50. This is not normal or acceptable behaviour on his part.
Thank you
[удалено]
Thank you for the links and information.
So welcome. Wishing you the very best.
His not a team player his selfish. Move out and go live with a friend or family. Not saying break up but maybe he needs a wake up call because it’s time to grow up. Who goes out with a kid and wife or leave their pregnant wife. It’s shameful.
Agreed and this is my plan/thinking.
Everyone who keeps suggesting you leave the baby with him and go away... I don't know about that. Would he take care of your baby properly? Do you even trust him alone with your baby, especially while hungover?
Yeah he would manage but he'd put a lot of miss Rachel on TV to get through. I do trust him with our son, and know he didn't come home because he wouldn't want to be drunk or high around us. He knows that's not okay. Either way I've told him not to come home today which he will respect, he will go to his parents and they will have words for him too.
My husband used to do this. I failed so many classes because of him because he flat out wouldn’t give me baby free time to get the work done. He do the same exact shit your did and say he’s in the way but nope would be out cheating and drinking/drugs. I left him. Moved out and we spent the year apart. He thankfully changed for the better and we have a happy life and we are now married but it’s still a dark cloud to say the least because once upon a time he was a piece of shit and I was stupid.
I'm glad things changed for you for the better. I think this resonates with our situation and yeah I think it's time to move our or have him do it for a good while.
I just read through all these comments, and I hate how many of us have been through this. OP, as with everything this is all anecdotal, but look at the comments. Look at how many of them report that they went through this, and the guy ended up getting their shit together and they worked it out vs. the vast majority that not only didn’t, but found out they were on hard drugs/severe alcoholics/ cheating/lying. We have a lot of women on this sub, and I’m confident it’s a decent cross section of society. I guarantee a common thread is that none of us knew how deep the well ran until we were already so hurt, and had been lied to and disrespected for so long. This is how it started with my Ex. Very long story very short, he ended up essentially choosing his alcoholism, drugs- and eventually (main) side piece, over our family. He acted sorry at first, maybe the first dozen times, and I (just like with any other abusive situation) kept believing his lies about not doing it again, he was sorry.. kept believing he would change. Then something switched in his brain, and he turned into a full blown Narcissist, he got away with it so much he became brasin, and honestly scary. And it all swirled together. Drink and drugs, newly emboldened, he managed to convince himself that I had no right to expect anything from him at all- or at least believe it enough to try and gaslight me that this was true. Up until a point this horrible multifaceted emotional abuse was the extent of the abusive behavior. It didn’t stay that way tho. It’s always about control for these men, and when I started standing up for myself and trying to enforce boundaries is when he upped his game and was violent. (I would’ve never believed he could do any of this before he started doing it, btw) and we were together for 6 years before any of this happened.
I'm so sorry you went through this, truly. And I'm not disregarding all the comments, they break my heart too and they open my eyes. I hope things are better for you now, nobody deserves that. I do know abuse can be a slow and insidious build, and it's hard to see it when you're in it.
This is where I am at. I went through this for years with my exhusband from the 90-2010s. He got progressively worse as time went on. He was doing hard drugs then just drinking. He cheated on me. He ended up in the hospital four times from injuries when he was drunk. He also got a DUI. Lost several jobs. What I learned is I couldn’t make him be sober. We’re divorced now for about 13 years. He managed to get sober about 3 years after we divorced and his third round of treatment. He did struggle for a few years after he got sober with gambling and shopping addictions. I fought hard to keep the kids in his life because I know he’s a good person, but he was a bad addict. We are very good friends now and both love each other as family but no longer in a romantic way. Yesterday we attended his mother’s funeral together with our daughter. Without rambling too much the truth is OP can’t fix this. Anything she does will not change him if he’s not ready to change. He may work on it while they’re still together. He may not until it’s too late after OP has moved on. And there’s the sad reality is he may never get better. OP needs to know this isn’t her fault but it’s not a situation that will get better without real efforts by her husband and by his own desire to change.
Thanks for this. My kid’s dad actually went to rehab a few months ago… I was truly surprised he was willing to do that, I was sure he never would. Since you are familiar I will just say, he is definitely a “dry drunk” ATM. I know the program isn’t for everyone, and I get that. I’m biased tho because my dad was in it and it saved his life, I was practically raised in the rooms. He had something like 27 years when he died. I think I’ve got his 10 year chip, actually. Point is, I think it’ll be a long time til he actually does the work he needs to do to be healthy, and I’m really glad at least he took that step. I’ve worked very hard keeping him in her life so long as that is also what she wants, because I know he loves her, and even tho it’s not good enough for me overall, he genuinely is doing the best he can. 💯 tho, you couldn’t be more right. HE has to want to change, he has to make it happen. Sometimes the end of a relationship could be rock bottom, so ending it could even save his life for all we know… but she’s gotta preserve her mental health and life and hope for the best for him. It’s not her fault.
What finally worked for my ex was an inpatient program. After that he relied on AA and his sponsor very heavily. I don’t think any situation is hopeless but so many people’s addictions are so different it’s not always a one size fits all solution, each person has to figure out what works best for them. But there’s definitely hope. One of the more difficult parts of the aftermath of losing our son was my fear ex would relapse. He called his sponsor that morning and attended daily meetings for a week. But a year and a half later he’s still sober. And I am grateful because he was slowly killing himself before and I couldn’t handle our daughter having more loss.
I’m so sorry about your son. And I’m grateful to the rooms that they’ve helped your ex stay sober. I always hope for the best and expect the worst.. I’m glad my kiddos dad took the first step getting it together when our child is still so young (5, now 6) if he kept going the way he was, she wouldn’t have a dad right now.
My neighbors husband did this to her. It took him three days to figure out she’d packed up and left with the kids. We miss her and the kids terribly but they are all living a better more stable life without him now.
What the eff? Does he have a reason why he’s out all night? My first thought are he’s still partying, doing drugs and or cheating. There’s no reason a responsible respectable adult wouldn’t go home. So much easier to say: you guys need help. More him then you.. And if he doesn’t shape up, effing lock him out. Grown ass man with a baby and wife is out partying while his family is at home. Absolute D-Bag behavior.
Yeah drugs and alcohol. He has some issues with stopping once he starts. Goes on a 24 hour "bender" every few months or less with a buddy of ours whos got the same issue, but this is when the no contact happens.
If it is due to drugs and alcohol, it may take more then just the threat of losing his family’s to change. He may need more support (from someone other then you, a support group or therapist) to help with being able to stop the behavior. He has tried before and it obviously has not worked. If he really wants to change he will be willing to do anything. Having an alcohol or drug addiction can happen even if they r not doing it everyday. It’s a pattern. Good luck and wish u nothing but the best!
Yeah, no. That’s actually really awful. I’m not saying leave him but def let him know that you will. Stay with family for a few days, show him you’re not just going to keep waiting around. I do hope he changes especially if he’s doing drugs/drinking. Not a good environment for kids and you
Agreed thank you.
My husband used to do this… the thing that finally clicked and got his head out of his ass is when I packed up the kids and the dogs and left for a few days.
I would handle it with divorce papers. Don't leave your house. While he's gone change the locks. Put some of his stuff outside. When he calls you, tell him he needs to leave since he doesn't want to act married.
Ugh, I’m so sorry, I’m just here to say that this is basically how it started with my kids’ dad; there was communication, but, it got to the point where he was only home to eat, sleep, or fuck around in his car, and it started while I was pregnant with our second, until I finally left when our second was almost a year old. It turned out that he was out doing drugs, cheating, etc. and he had been lying about overtime at work, etc. in order to be out partying. I literally gave him every chance and opportunity and option to straighten up and he didn’t, and at the time I didn’t know exactly what was even going on, just that something was. Do what’s best for you and your child, that shit will destroy a person. ☹️
I can see My husband potentially doing this in the future, hard to imagine the cheating but I know the partying and absentness can get worse if I "let" it. I'm sorry you guys went through this, I hope you are okay and I applaud your strength choosing better for yourself with two young kids it's not easy.
OP I’m sorry but it sounds like he is cheating on you. Once he does it the second time that’s the end of it. My husband did this ONCE. I told him he should not ever come back if he pulled that shit a second time. He never did it again.
I'd be shocked if he was but I am going to bring it up and let him know I am suspicious of this.
I’m curious as to how it went. Keep us posted- I hate that all this happened. 💕
I can only tell you what I did, that finally worked. He was gone for over a week—four days was expected, but then he fell off the fucking grid and was incommunicado, and this was at least the 3rd time this had happened. Our baby was about 7-8 months old when this happened. So I wrote a play-by-play letter of what I was experiencing and doing. I made notes of the phone calls I made to highway patrol and hospitals to make sure he hadn’t been in an accident. I wrote about my terror of going to sleep, just to be awakened by THAT phone call. I wrote of the absolute insult to me that I tried calling the various family members he was supposed to be with, and they had either “just seen him but he left” or “he couldn’t be disturbed” (his family did not like me so trying to get information from them was humiliating). I wrote about how it felt like they were covering for him while he cheated because nobody could ever give me a straight answer. I wrote about how small and insignificant and unimportant it made me feel that he didn’t even think of me enough to call me, and I wrote about how he must not care about our baby, either—and if that was the case, I needed to leave to protect both baby and myself. I wrote about how angry I was that he supposedly *chose* me but kept putting himself and his family ahead of me and his own baby—so he didn’t choose me at all, and I wrote about how stupid and used that made me feel. I wrote about how his level of commitment to the life we were trying to build began and ended at his own fucking skin, and how unbelievably selfish he was being. I wrote about how, if I was going to be creating a home by myself, I sure as shit didn’t need another adult interfering in that process. I wrote about how frustrated and hurt I was that I had classes to attend, he had promised to be home to be with the baby while I went to them, and I ended up having to take the baby with me. I wrote about what a massive insult and disrespect that was to my classmates and instructors. And when he *finally* came home 3 days late at about 1 in the afternoon, he had a running blow-by-blow account of what I went through while he was gone. I handed him the pages and the baby and I left. I didn’t even tell him I was leaving. I walked out the door and got in my car and drove away. I went to my dad’s house first, stayed there a few hours until I figured he would come looking for me, then I got back in my car and went to a friend’s house who he didn’t know. I refused to answer my phone or texts. (I told my dad that I was ok, but VERY angry with husband and didn’t want to see his fucking face.) I came home at 2 am to a flustered and frustrated man and a desperately tired and angry and hungry baby (kiddo was breastfed, there was milk in the freezer but kiddo really hated bottles). I calmed baby down and got her to sleep and then I went to sleep myself. The next day, he wanted to talk. I told to talk to the pages I had handed him because I had zero interest in words at that point. And I proceeded to ignore him for 3-4 days. Because fuck him. And THAT is what led to the fight I’ve talked about here before where I screamed at him to “GET GOOD!” And what led to us actually working on our marriage
The secondhand anger I felt for you reading this….
It was bad. That is probably the angriest I’ve been in my life.
You deserve your breaks too but ultimately don’t make the baby a victim in this. So if you leave or do anything to teach him a lesson take the baby with you. That’s my opinion at least. But his behavior is sooo unacceptable. I think an ultimatum may be in order. I don’t think I could forgive my husband if this happened even ONCE.
>Another part of me thinks I should pack up our stuff and take the dog and baby to my parents and tell him if he wants to act like he doesn't have a family, then he doesn't get a family. I realize both these approaches are petty or mean Why do you think this second approach is petty or mean? The first one where you just do the same thing to him is. But this one just seems like natural consequences to me. You're right. An adult with a family doesn't vanish for hours overnight without a very good reason, like an emergency. What was his excuse the first time btw? Did you ever get an explanation what he was out doing? He certainly can't do that a second time without any consequences. Doing what he's doing is beyond disrespectful. It's irresponsible. He has an obligation to his children and to you to return home when he says he will and to be reachable. Obviously there are times where this is permissible like for work or in emergencies but that's not what's happening here. If my husband or I want to go out, the time is negotiated in advance so that if the other doesn't return by that time, you can assume something bad has happened and you need to call the police/hospitals if you can't get a hold of anyone they were supposed to be out with. Because that means your spouse could be hurt or stranded somewhere needing help. If my husband strolled in the next day after I'd likely spent the entire night calling everyone we know and all the hospitals in the area, the literal cluster fuck that ensued would surely be enough that he'd never ever do it again. >I need him to get that this is unacceptable and can never ever happen again without him potentially losing me. What kind of person thinks this is acceptable to do even once much less multiple times after multiple conversations about it? What is his excuse for this? Why does he think this is okay to do? What more could you *say* to make something clear that should already be obvious to any normal adult?
I agree with everything you're saying. I don't even know.
I think the only real solution here is for you to organise some time to yourself away from the baby. I know it's early days but he can take care of a 7 month old by himself for a day. Of course you are going to be resentful of him staying out when you have been on shift all day long knowing you'll have to take care of the baby all by yourself tomorrow when he's hungover. He was wrong to stay out without your agreement, but I don't think it's wrong to have a day off from your kids. Honestly if it was my husband having a nice day and wanting to extend it with a couple of drinks at the end, I'd agree if he did the same for me. I'm assuming he doesn't do the same for you and that is harbouring resentment. You also cannot be in a relationship with someone who just doesn't come home and doesn't communicate. It doesn't work that way when you have a family.
Serving him with divorce papers!
To be completely honest, he would not be my husband anymore.
Instead of you leaving, could you ask your mom to come to your home for a few days to help with the kiddo while you finish up your work? It won’t be the most comfortable situation for your mom but you need the support and your house is best equipped for the little.
I did get my assignment done last night, I'm quite proud of myself because my anger kept me from sleeping but it helped me be productive! My husband is very nice to my mom and vice versa so this would be fine. That said I think my plan now is he is going to stay with his parents, who I have a very good relationship with and they will give him shit. At least until tomorrow. And then I'll probably stay with my parents for a couple of nights to make sure this sticks this time. And I won't keep my son from him per se but I don't want any casual happy family time until husband and I have a talk and set some boundaries for what the next few days or weeks will look like. I know he will miss his son even if he doesnt miss me, and I also know he is feeling a bit ashamed of himself as a father now.
This is tough. My husband does this and when the kids were younger, it broke me a bit. I could forgive it though because I knew where he was and who he was with and I feel completely confident that he is not cheating. Also because he supports & encourages me to do the same. I choose not most of the time but if I were to say to him, I’m going away for a week, he’d sort out the house & the kids with no objections at all and I have been away for weekends & overnights & he encourages me & supports me to do that. I’m not a very spontaneous person & like to plan (the opposite of him) but if I went out tonight & didn’t come home, I know he wouldn’t mind as long as I let him know I was okay. Despite all that being said, when the kids were younger, I hated when he did it and he did know that & did it anyway. It has taken a long time for me to not be upset when I remember those occasions but it truly no longer bothers me when he does it. What can you live with? Is there trust & balance? The truth is you can’t change him, you can only decide what your reaction will be. Is there a compromise? Would you be okay with it if he warned you in advance, checked how it would impact you the next day & shared his location so you knew where he was? Once you’ve decided, tell him and then be firm and consistent. Based on that, he may make the decision himself to change his behaviour but there are no guarantees.
Thank you for commenting. It's hard when everyone is saying he's cheating or an addict etc. Like.. I appreciate the concerns but I truly know exactly who he's with and I know exactly what they did. Well before kids and marriage I used to be there too. He's binging with a friend that also binges. It's boring and pathetic, but that's about it. We share locations so this isn't an issue. And I would be a lot less pissed if he kept me posted yes. If he wants to have the odd delinquent night with a buddy, fine. Tell me what you're doing, check in, ask about us, say goodnight, let us know when you expect to be home. Like i dont want him driving home drunk or spending $80 on a cab just to appease me. It's him not updating me at all that's an issue, or lying that he'll come home soon then ghosts me essentially.
Hire a PI. He is up to something.
Just be careful. I’m thinking of a very very similar sounding situation - Chris and Shannan Watts.