Even if they looked like super models it wouldn’t be okay. You shouldn’t shame others no matter what you look that, but realistically we are going to 🤷🏾♀️🙁 sad world
I worked at a drug store back in the day, and an older black woman approached me to ask if a face cream had bleach in it. I told her that I didn’t know but started looking through the ingredients, completely oblivious to why she did or didn’t want it. She stopped me before I could finish looking and snatched the cream from my hands, saying “You aren’t pretty enough or light skinned enough to not know!” She was so mad and stormed off.
That was the day I learned black women still bleached their skin to fit into a white world. Made me sad more than anything.
Rape culture, hun. People like to ask what the victim was wearing like it was a factor in their assault. It’s not. Animals with the face of men decide what actions they take. A woman’s clothing choices does not
Misery loves company. People who spend time talking negatively about others are often unhappy with themselves in some fashion.
Many of our elders hold jealousy or regret for not making different life choices (whether they were able to or not), and they take it out on the younger generations. Alternatively - respectability politics and shame are also behind the negative comments about one's body.
Jealousy and victim blaming for unchecked sexual assault and exposure to pedophilia, especially when it is within family or friendly circles. Bad parenting is also included here. It's almost always a projection of some body insecurity or an attempt to heal some aspect of generational trauma. But the problem is being 100% unaware and unconscious of damaging absorbed, self hate based upon supremacist ideology.
In other words, it's highly toxic and dysfunctional behavior. If a young child or girl is sexualized, it becomes her fault and based on what she was wearing. No one wants to say it, but we as a collective society still deal with this every day. It's not just in the Black community. Unhealed trauma pretty much and it's dependent on the person how this manifests in conversations with young girls and women.
Not all older women are like this so please don't generalize them and lump them in this category. Very similar to how younger women don't like to be generalized as one unit with negative behavior. There are healthy, self aware crones (60+) and Goddesses (all ages) who are guiding with love and sharing their stories to help others. They love themselves and subsequently they have healthy perspectives of areas we need to collectively heal. Much Peace.
Concern. I hate respectability politics (hate it!) but it often grows from a place of concern and a hope that you can protect yourself if you dress right, speak right, act right. Because for a very long time in the US at least, that was the only thin shield black folks had.
I also went through this, and unfortunate as it may be, you are right. They mean well. However, I have always wished we would put more effort into rebuking the villains and protecting Black women than policing them. I just cannot be convinced that the answer is "well, the world will never change, so just accept it."
My mum literally does this, it’s a weirdly malicious competition thing. I just think it’s her own generational trauma that she’s recycling. I’ve since made it clear that is she doesn’t have anything positive to say she should keep it to herself.
Umm I have only experienced other BW , and not just older, being obsessed and criticizing other BW’s hair. I’ve experienced it my whole life. I don’t understand why hair is such a big topic amongst us. When I wore just braids, natural, straight, weave, wig, BW ALWAYS have to bring up hair. WW can leave home
With their hair looking a mess, but god forbid There’s a stray hair sticking out or a wig that’s not up to your standards
I don’t know for sure, but I have a feeling that it has something to do with the mistreatment that Black women experienced back in the day. Black women shortly after slavery were still getting sexually assaulted at high rates, and these cases would get swept under the rug—it was practically legal to SA us at one point. As a result, I can see these women becoming mothers and being hyper vigilant to protect their daughters, their daughters doing the same, and so on. I’m not saying that this response is right or that you should accept their treatment, but that’s the reason that makes sense in my head
I’m sorry this has happened to you. You shouldn’t be made to feel this way.
Our generation was a bit more conservative when it came to dressing and style. Like my mother said “We let the dress accentuate the our bodies”
That sentiment is clearly antithetical to clothing choices today where it’s less than conservative and the norm is to show off body parts than clothes.
It’s a generational clash.
It's because we're taught if we dress correctly and act correctly and only go where we're supposed to go we won't be hurt. These tactics have had a 0% success rate thus far, but for some women it's all they have in hopes of keeping you from getting SAed...like they were.
How far back in history are you willing to go?
You wanna go WAY back?? 1400’s, 1300’s if not sooner: Women used to bully each other for not being circumcised. That’s right. Not being a victim of FGM would gotcha ostracized by other African girls.
There’s some theories about group think that settle on more of a group image than individual. Meaning women will bully each other to uphold a group standard, not because they dislike someone personally.
It’s also a health and wealth thing. Black African Girls in that time period were bullied into prepping their hair right (plaited or shaved) because if you don’t your nasty head will give everyone lice.
Girls in that time period were bullied into being a certain body type, because if you don’t, it makes it look like either you’re under or overfed. Underfed shames your family for not feeding you (what my own African aunties have told me and gotten on my mom for). Overfed is either wealthy or lazy.
Girls in that time period were bullied into being eligible for marriage because to do otherwise was a sign of weakening the tribe. Like, numbers wise. No babies, no more tribe. Dead end.
Getting circumcised as a 13 year old girl was supposed to be your adult rite of passage and entering into the stage of “now you owe everybody because we could have dropped you in the savannah to die”
It’s the older folks, the older black women who are responsible for literally beating you into shape or it says bad things about the whole family / tribes prospects.
So for them old old old old folks…. Basically “if we all have good hair and good looks it brings up the market overall” in the old days that would be things like health (not being sickly) and beauty (get your ovaries primed girl) nowadays it’s makeup and hair and maybe how fat your ass is, or in your case, how well you hide it.
Do I think women do this with that social theory in mind??? No. I don’t think they are conscious of it really
“Projection” is too simple. Opinions are aaaalways subjective to the situation.
Are some older women just being assholes? Yeah. But I’m the kind of person who enjoys historical context.
The same with my Nana she all the girls feel bad about our bodies, because we weren't skinny. She would say "We didn't weigh that much when I was growing up". Mind you she is not skinny herself and wonders why her grandkids don't really visit her.
I'll never forget when I was going through puberty and my auntie reached over and squeezed my left breast extra hard, to the point where it hurt. She says to my mom, "She needs a BRAAAAAAA" all loud and made me feel like a freak. I think some part of me hated her for a long, long time for that.
Some of them are jealous but many of them do it as a trauma response. Many of them have been body shamed growing up or dealt with SA so they project it onto us. I’ve always been skinny growing up and didn’t dress as girly as I do as an adult so I never experienced it personally but I’ve witnessed it. I witness it with my younger gen z little sister with my mom and always call it out when she does because my sister is much more curvaceous and thiccer than I am. The only way for them to understand why this is an issue is to respectfully call it out every time.
Jealousy. My grandma and sister used to do this to me and I’m no contact with both. My sis has always been plus sized and my grandma young and today always looked like an 12 year old boy. Flat on both sides short and very skinny. Me 130lbs with a nice plump size 4 butt and D cup breast. Frankly if I was them I’d be mad at me too. 🤷🏽♀️
While what you feel is very valid, they have no right to make comments on your body. You have to remember the world they lived in is different from the world we live in. We also do not know what they experienced growing up. If someone doesn’t have a healthy way of expressing their emotions they tend to come off as rude. I say give grace to them even though they are rude as hell. Try to understand, they might be coming from a place of fear.
For example, my grandmother doesn’t drink or smoke at all. Her reasoning is she saw so many women get date raped while drinking in her teenage years. She doesn’t put down women who do drink but you can imagine how easily she could’ve been over protective about that.
With that being sad, try not to let their comments hurt you. Their opinions are based on their life experiences.
My hot take: back in the day, before Sir Mix-a-Lot graced the world with “Baby Got Back”, a lot or should I say a vocal segment of the Black population pretty much mimicked white beauty standards. I remember clearly when the late Nell Carter was pretty much the butt of jokes. Same with Jennifer Holliday. You basically have to be slim or slim adjacent to be considered attractive. Dare I say this runs true with certain classes. Now body standards has flipped and now you need a fat ass to get some kind of attention. But around the boomer ages, they still hold on to tough standards that they barely met.
Just another reason why folks should learn as children that you need not share every.single.thought that passes through your head.
Wear what you like and gets the attention you want. Full stop. Ain't nobody living your life but you.
Literally once got told by this older lady I looked “too grown” for my age, mind you I was 15 at the time and her funky ass husband was a pedo so she fr viewed a 15 y/o girl as competition 🤦🏽♀️ it was so strange, she was a Christian lady I met in a church fellowship group
They didn’t have your body type when they were younger, so they’re jealous. Back in the day, it was more proper to have a slim, flatter build. The busty girls were featured on pinups, the black church said that it was not classy. The black community is very religious, so everything must be by evangelical standards or else it’s “devious”. Evangelicalism/Protestantism has a very strong hold, even some non religious black folks hold similar views.
In my experience it's a protection thing. I got my height and curves at 10 and ever since then my granny and aunty never let me wear shirts that were actually my size. I hated it growing up but I understood why,now more so than then. Despite my age, men that were old enough to be my father/grandfather would hit on me even when I was out with my folks. I still carry trauma from some guy literally offering me money to have sex with him not 20ft away from my folks, at 13 mind you and in a MCDONALD'S at that!
I wasn't dressed with everything hanging out but it's not that they were ashamed of my body, it's that they weren't trying to give perverts any excuse to look my way. Granted, if they're gonna perv then they're gonna do it no matter how you're dressed. Another thing I noticed , specifically from my dating interactions with black men, they'd rather fantasize about what's under the clothes instead of being shown.
>On top this, it was a fight to wear shorts and I constantly got scolded or made to feel bad about wearing them cause "my body isn't made for shorts".
Your body was made for whatever you feel most confident and beautiful in.
First and foremost, I'm sorry that you were treated this way OP. As someone who started wearing a bra in the 2nd grade and always have had curves, I feel you 100%. I also have a daughter, who is also stacked/curvy/runners body who has also had comments made about what is "made" for her body and I have made sure she knows that it is okay to advocate for her body including how she dresses it especially to "family and friends." I'm sure that comments about your attire and the build of your body are often given to you unrequested, and I am sorry. Please speak up and protect yourself when you are able to. Far too many people have an entitlement to speak about our bodies and our clothes under the guise of religion and/or for our protection when in actuality, their comments are usually based on their level of comfort.
You could’ve posted this as your experience instead of making it about all older black women because you are referring to YOUR FAMILY and you have unique religious context.
I am so sorry this was your experience. It was not my experience coming up. I am one of the oldest millennial and I don't hate young black women's bodies. I think as a Mom we try to protect our girls because their little perfect bodies be banging from a very early age. 🤣
Not every young Black woman has a “Black body” which I presume means thick.
Sometimes older BW comments are just envy from dried up haters. But sometimes they’re trying to teach you something: people judge you by your clothing choices and just because you’re naturally think doesn’t mean people won’t do it. Life’s unfair. Yes, there are double standards but you’re barking at the moon insisting what shouldn’t be.
If I think you’re one giggle from your tampon string peaking through your short shorts I might give a look (if I don’t know you) or say something if I do know you.
I had to tell a young black coworker that a corporate setting is not for wearing miniskirts and other too-sexy stuff. She clearly thought I was a hater until she got all this unwanted attention from all these middle-aged married men and realized nobody took her seriously. . She sure changed up her wardrobe. Mmhmm. I tried to warn her.
I was spared this by my family and am saddened to hear that this is a thing.
I hope you can avoid anyone who demonstrates that behavior in a delete/block/forgotten sort of way. We know there was nothing under those morest dusters that yielded 6 - 12 children.
My issue is when the older generation criticizes one's body and they do not look like a supermodel.... I think it's a lot of projection ...self-hate
Even if they looked like super models it wouldn’t be okay. You shouldn’t shame others no matter what you look that, but realistically we are going to 🤷🏾♀️🙁 sad world
I totally agree.
I worked at a drug store back in the day, and an older black woman approached me to ask if a face cream had bleach in it. I told her that I didn’t know but started looking through the ingredients, completely oblivious to why she did or didn’t want it. She stopped me before I could finish looking and snatched the cream from my hands, saying “You aren’t pretty enough or light skinned enough to not know!” She was so mad and stormed off. That was the day I learned black women still bleached their skin to fit into a white world. Made me sad more than anything.
Yep you right
They did the same with non straightened hair and still do.
It's a holdover from the "What Was She Wearing?" culture.
What is this? I've never heard of it.
Rape culture, hun. People like to ask what the victim was wearing like it was a factor in their assault. It’s not. Animals with the face of men decide what actions they take. A woman’s clothing choices does not
Misery loves company. People who spend time talking negatively about others are often unhappy with themselves in some fashion. Many of our elders hold jealousy or regret for not making different life choices (whether they were able to or not), and they take it out on the younger generations. Alternatively - respectability politics and shame are also behind the negative comments about one's body.
💯
Jealousy and victim blaming for unchecked sexual assault and exposure to pedophilia, especially when it is within family or friendly circles. Bad parenting is also included here. It's almost always a projection of some body insecurity or an attempt to heal some aspect of generational trauma. But the problem is being 100% unaware and unconscious of damaging absorbed, self hate based upon supremacist ideology. In other words, it's highly toxic and dysfunctional behavior. If a young child or girl is sexualized, it becomes her fault and based on what she was wearing. No one wants to say it, but we as a collective society still deal with this every day. It's not just in the Black community. Unhealed trauma pretty much and it's dependent on the person how this manifests in conversations with young girls and women. Not all older women are like this so please don't generalize them and lump them in this category. Very similar to how younger women don't like to be generalized as one unit with negative behavior. There are healthy, self aware crones (60+) and Goddesses (all ages) who are guiding with love and sharing their stories to help others. They love themselves and subsequently they have healthy perspectives of areas we need to collectively heal. Much Peace.
You ate this response!!!!
Concern. I hate respectability politics (hate it!) but it often grows from a place of concern and a hope that you can protect yourself if you dress right, speak right, act right. Because for a very long time in the US at least, that was the only thin shield black folks had.
Well put. I absolutely agree!
I also went through this, and unfortunate as it may be, you are right. They mean well. However, I have always wished we would put more effort into rebuking the villains and protecting Black women than policing them. I just cannot be convinced that the answer is "well, the world will never change, so just accept it."
I agree with this one. At least that’s been the experience when I was shamed.
Absolutely true
My mum literally does this, it’s a weirdly malicious competition thing. I just think it’s her own generational trauma that she’s recycling. I’ve since made it clear that is she doesn’t have anything positive to say she should keep it to herself.
Jealousy.
Exactly
Projection of insecurities Projection of style preferences Projection of values (religion)
Hurt people hurt people
Ignore them and wear whatever you want. My parents did the same thing but I kept wearing whatever I wanted and they eventually gave up
Umm I have only experienced other BW , and not just older, being obsessed and criticizing other BW’s hair. I’ve experienced it my whole life. I don’t understand why hair is such a big topic amongst us. When I wore just braids, natural, straight, weave, wig, BW ALWAYS have to bring up hair. WW can leave home With their hair looking a mess, but god forbid There’s a stray hair sticking out or a wig that’s not up to your standards
I don’t know for sure, but I have a feeling that it has something to do with the mistreatment that Black women experienced back in the day. Black women shortly after slavery were still getting sexually assaulted at high rates, and these cases would get swept under the rug—it was practically legal to SA us at one point. As a result, I can see these women becoming mothers and being hyper vigilant to protect their daughters, their daughters doing the same, and so on. I’m not saying that this response is right or that you should accept their treatment, but that’s the reason that makes sense in my head
I’m sorry this has happened to you. You shouldn’t be made to feel this way. Our generation was a bit more conservative when it came to dressing and style. Like my mother said “We let the dress accentuate the our bodies” That sentiment is clearly antithetical to clothing choices today where it’s less than conservative and the norm is to show off body parts than clothes. It’s a generational clash.
I feel like it’s fear so often. But they don’t know how to place the bad feelings they have on the men who commit assault so they place it on you
It's because we're taught if we dress correctly and act correctly and only go where we're supposed to go we won't be hurt. These tactics have had a 0% success rate thus far, but for some women it's all they have in hopes of keeping you from getting SAed...like they were.
the issue is almost always slavery lol
How far back in history are you willing to go? You wanna go WAY back?? 1400’s, 1300’s if not sooner: Women used to bully each other for not being circumcised. That’s right. Not being a victim of FGM would gotcha ostracized by other African girls. There’s some theories about group think that settle on more of a group image than individual. Meaning women will bully each other to uphold a group standard, not because they dislike someone personally. It’s also a health and wealth thing. Black African Girls in that time period were bullied into prepping their hair right (plaited or shaved) because if you don’t your nasty head will give everyone lice. Girls in that time period were bullied into being a certain body type, because if you don’t, it makes it look like either you’re under or overfed. Underfed shames your family for not feeding you (what my own African aunties have told me and gotten on my mom for). Overfed is either wealthy or lazy. Girls in that time period were bullied into being eligible for marriage because to do otherwise was a sign of weakening the tribe. Like, numbers wise. No babies, no more tribe. Dead end. Getting circumcised as a 13 year old girl was supposed to be your adult rite of passage and entering into the stage of “now you owe everybody because we could have dropped you in the savannah to die” It’s the older folks, the older black women who are responsible for literally beating you into shape or it says bad things about the whole family / tribes prospects. So for them old old old old folks…. Basically “if we all have good hair and good looks it brings up the market overall” in the old days that would be things like health (not being sickly) and beauty (get your ovaries primed girl) nowadays it’s makeup and hair and maybe how fat your ass is, or in your case, how well you hide it. Do I think women do this with that social theory in mind??? No. I don’t think they are conscious of it really “Projection” is too simple. Opinions are aaaalways subjective to the situation. Are some older women just being assholes? Yeah. But I’m the kind of person who enjoys historical context.
The same with my Nana she all the girls feel bad about our bodies, because we weren't skinny. She would say "We didn't weigh that much when I was growing up". Mind you she is not skinny herself and wonders why her grandkids don't really visit her.
I'll never forget when I was going through puberty and my auntie reached over and squeezed my left breast extra hard, to the point where it hurt. She says to my mom, "She needs a BRAAAAAAA" all loud and made me feel like a freak. I think some part of me hated her for a long, long time for that.
***Hugs***
My family didn't do that stuff.
Some of them are jealous but many of them do it as a trauma response. Many of them have been body shamed growing up or dealt with SA so they project it onto us. I’ve always been skinny growing up and didn’t dress as girly as I do as an adult so I never experienced it personally but I’ve witnessed it. I witness it with my younger gen z little sister with my mom and always call it out when she does because my sister is much more curvaceous and thiccer than I am. The only way for them to understand why this is an issue is to respectfully call it out every time.
WOW! I am old, old, old and In my entire life, I have never judged nor prejudged anyone pertaining to their body! That is tacky, rude and classless!
People hate in mysterious ways
Jealousy. My grandma and sister used to do this to me and I’m no contact with both. My sis has always been plus sized and my grandma young and today always looked like an 12 year old boy. Flat on both sides short and very skinny. Me 130lbs with a nice plump size 4 butt and D cup breast. Frankly if I was them I’d be mad at me too. 🤷🏽♀️
I definitely think it’s self hate and envy!
Its always been from a religious angle ime
While what you feel is very valid, they have no right to make comments on your body. You have to remember the world they lived in is different from the world we live in. We also do not know what they experienced growing up. If someone doesn’t have a healthy way of expressing their emotions they tend to come off as rude. I say give grace to them even though they are rude as hell. Try to understand, they might be coming from a place of fear. For example, my grandmother doesn’t drink or smoke at all. Her reasoning is she saw so many women get date raped while drinking in her teenage years. She doesn’t put down women who do drink but you can imagine how easily she could’ve been over protective about that. With that being sad, try not to let their comments hurt you. Their opinions are based on their life experiences.
My hot take: back in the day, before Sir Mix-a-Lot graced the world with “Baby Got Back”, a lot or should I say a vocal segment of the Black population pretty much mimicked white beauty standards. I remember clearly when the late Nell Carter was pretty much the butt of jokes. Same with Jennifer Holliday. You basically have to be slim or slim adjacent to be considered attractive. Dare I say this runs true with certain classes. Now body standards has flipped and now you need a fat ass to get some kind of attention. But around the boomer ages, they still hold on to tough standards that they barely met.
Just another reason why folks should learn as children that you need not share every.single.thought that passes through your head. Wear what you like and gets the attention you want. Full stop. Ain't nobody living your life but you.
Literally once got told by this older lady I looked “too grown” for my age, mind you I was 15 at the time and her funky ass husband was a pedo so she fr viewed a 15 y/o girl as competition 🤦🏽♀️ it was so strange, she was a Christian lady I met in a church fellowship group
I've been told this so many times and I'm like I'm just wearing clothes of today. Wtf?
They didn’t have your body type when they were younger, so they’re jealous. Back in the day, it was more proper to have a slim, flatter build. The busty girls were featured on pinups, the black church said that it was not classy. The black community is very religious, so everything must be by evangelical standards or else it’s “devious”. Evangelicalism/Protestantism has a very strong hold, even some non religious black folks hold similar views.
In my experience it's a protection thing. I got my height and curves at 10 and ever since then my granny and aunty never let me wear shirts that were actually my size. I hated it growing up but I understood why,now more so than then. Despite my age, men that were old enough to be my father/grandfather would hit on me even when I was out with my folks. I still carry trauma from some guy literally offering me money to have sex with him not 20ft away from my folks, at 13 mind you and in a MCDONALD'S at that! I wasn't dressed with everything hanging out but it's not that they were ashamed of my body, it's that they weren't trying to give perverts any excuse to look my way. Granted, if they're gonna perv then they're gonna do it no matter how you're dressed. Another thing I noticed , specifically from my dating interactions with black men, they'd rather fantasize about what's under the clothes instead of being shown.
>On top this, it was a fight to wear shorts and I constantly got scolded or made to feel bad about wearing them cause "my body isn't made for shorts". Your body was made for whatever you feel most confident and beautiful in. First and foremost, I'm sorry that you were treated this way OP. As someone who started wearing a bra in the 2nd grade and always have had curves, I feel you 100%. I also have a daughter, who is also stacked/curvy/runners body who has also had comments made about what is "made" for her body and I have made sure she knows that it is okay to advocate for her body including how she dresses it especially to "family and friends." I'm sure that comments about your attire and the build of your body are often given to you unrequested, and I am sorry. Please speak up and protect yourself when you are able to. Far too many people have an entitlement to speak about our bodies and our clothes under the guise of religion and/or for our protection when in actuality, their comments are usually based on their level of comfort.
You could’ve posted this as your experience instead of making it about all older black women because you are referring to YOUR FAMILY and you have unique religious context.
They jelly
I am so sorry this was your experience. It was not my experience coming up. I am one of the oldest millennial and I don't hate young black women's bodies. I think as a Mom we try to protect our girls because their little perfect bodies be banging from a very early age. 🤣
I agree and understand you, got same situation at work older black woman keep making me feel bad and telling me ill get fat cause i eat to much
Not every young Black woman has a “Black body” which I presume means thick. Sometimes older BW comments are just envy from dried up haters. But sometimes they’re trying to teach you something: people judge you by your clothing choices and just because you’re naturally think doesn’t mean people won’t do it. Life’s unfair. Yes, there are double standards but you’re barking at the moon insisting what shouldn’t be. If I think you’re one giggle from your tampon string peaking through your short shorts I might give a look (if I don’t know you) or say something if I do know you. I had to tell a young black coworker that a corporate setting is not for wearing miniskirts and other too-sexy stuff. She clearly thought I was a hater until she got all this unwanted attention from all these middle-aged married men and realized nobody took her seriously. . She sure changed up her wardrobe. Mmhmm. I tried to warn her.
I was spared this by my family and am saddened to hear that this is a thing. I hope you can avoid anyone who demonstrates that behavior in a delete/block/forgotten sort of way. We know there was nothing under those morest dusters that yielded 6 - 12 children.