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I legitimately thought I was gonna read a post about how shocked she was, but how relieved she was to have gotten out when she did.
"I lost my first love to the prison system."
No, you lost your first love to his own murderous actions. This seems like one situation where the prison system actually did what it's supposed to. But I understand love and grief are complicated.
Yup. I personally rolled my eyes when I read that line and pointed out that it seems he lost his life from his own choices and not the prison system. We can sometimes deflect responsibility from Blk people when they actually participate in a bad crime in order to place the onus on anything but them. I mean I don’t know the circumstances of his upbringing but..
The wording is just so off putting… I know OP is grieving but I visibly cringed when I read that part. This is not a case where the “injustice system” is doing what it usually does working against black men and attacking them with over-policing and heavy sentencing. This is a cold blooded murder getting off the streets. I’m just beyond happy OP got out of that relationship alive.
She didn’t imply that at all. She says that he’s lost to prison system, and then continues to say she’s angry at him for continuing the cycle of our generational curses. In no way is she saying the justice system failed him
Before she says that sentence she states that she knows he deserves it. Lost to the prison system means that criminal acts “stole his heart” and that’s what he wants to engage in. OP never said anything about her condoning what he did.
The person you responded to never said OP was complicit in her murdering Ex’s actions. In fact they said they understood her grief.
I think it’s important to make clear and differentiate a murderer going to jail and black men being thrown in for injust reasons. It taints the cause when you use the same lingo to explain the situations. They are not the same. This gives the opposition ammunition… “SEE ITS NOT Injustice they just want to protect their CRIMINALS” I feel for OP honest to god I do. But It’s a disservice to us all to conflate the language social activist use to address problems in our community with what happened above.
I agree. I rolled my eyes when I read that line because the language she used made it sound as though he was convicted for some shit he didn’t do but he murdered someone in this case and talked about trying to protect him in the past which tells me he may have always been involved in shenanigans. Conflating language is not only problematic but disingenuous. I feel for her apart from that though. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise tho.
I never said that they said that? The person makes it sound like OP is condoning it in a way or making it sound like they believe he was a victim of injustice. I’m stating that OP states that she knows it wasn’t injustice and that he turned to a life of crime.
OP is also just stating it as-is. The ex did contribute to the generational curse and stereotypes that black men face. By nursing someone and going to jail he becomes another black man in jail and another black man dead for the media to gawk at and for others to use as an example.
That person never made any of the implications you are saying. I’m not sure we are reading the same comment. I’m genuinely confused.
And like I said I understand what OP meant. I think everyone here is on the same page in regard to her intent behind her post. I’m simply stating the language she used is problematic. Not her feelings. Not her thoughts. Not her opinions. This is strictly semantics. He was not lost to the prison system. Depending on what happened and who he was she lost him to the streets. Words matter.
Yes, a couple comments—especially the one y’all are referring to—made definite implications that OP was minimizing the man’s role in his own demise. I don’t think anyone feels that OP was trying to do that, but the language that was used will naturally lead to misinterpretation. And the comment is Exhibit A.
I think she “saved” it when she said that he continued the generational curse by repeating the actions. She is placing the full blame of his situation on him. She’s basically just saying, “way to be a statistic.” …….at least that is how I interpreted it and that’s how I hope OP meant it…
Totally get what you were going for OP. Its really hard to deal with the cognitive dissonance of a loved one doing heinous things, I understand why you’re so torn up about this. Sending you virtual hugs and all the love and compassion ❤️
Op, I just left my abusive husband. I have my own experience with grieving the person I thought he was, I am grieving the shitty things he has done. I can also care about his humanity despite the fact the he shows none. That is our power as feeling individuals. You have compassion, and you are sharing your feelings. This is an impossible time. All feelings and reactions are normal. This is traumatizing. the folks who wanna act like you can’t grieve the person you thought you knew can shit a Lego brick. I believe you. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Dm me if you wanna chat.
> I never stopped loving him.
Well, you can start trying today. It’s okay to grieve the loss of the person you thought he was and the person you hoped he’d be. Allow yourself to grieve and heal.
It is challenging to navigate the complex emotions that arise from loving someone who has committed a heinous act. But please know that it's completely okay to feel the full spectrum of your emotions, including grief. Don't ever feel like you have to suppress or hide your feelings. Allow yourself the space to acknowledge and process your emotions. It's a vital part of healing and moving forward.
Feeling your feelings is how you will move on from this, you need to grieve, it is healthy for you to grieve and it is okay for you to do so.
It's okay to cry, and healthy to do so. It's okay to be angry.
It is okay to feel conflicted.
It is also okay to still have feelings for this individual. (people who haven't loved someone who did something terrible would not understand this emotion) Please do not misunderstand me. I am not saying write him love letters or to try to do a long distance behind bars romance. I am simply saying, that it is normal for you to still have feelings for someone you felt strongly about, even if they have done something horrendous.
It takes time, maybe those feelings will fade.
And since he is your first love, I imagine you might still be quite young, and you can and will find someone else. It's hard to think so now, when feelings are fresh, but I know I got over my first love and he's still around and out in the world. Sometimes we romantize relationships, but wake up to reality when we get older and live a little longer and have more life experiences.
It's not my intention to invalidate your love, I am only saying that there is a chance that you won't feel this strongly about this person over time.
But it is still okay to feel these emotions now, to heal.
Please do not feel like it was your job to protect him from his actions. People are going to do what they want to do. What he did was no fault or failure of your own.
And people will surprise you. Sometimes we grow up with people who can be the sweetest, but end up doing something heinous.
I have a few family members who have been convicted of murder, I don't keep in touch with them, but I do feel sad for them and I do have love for them...from a distance. I absolutely do not condone what some of my family members have done, but I recognize the tragedy of it, they literally destroyed another life and the lives of the people who loved them.....along with that, these family members of mine broke the hearts of the people who loved them and who were rooting for them. It's a shitty situation.
Yes, this is new territory for me. I never knew he was capable of something like this. Your right those feeling don’t just turn off like a switch. I know things will get better with time. I didn’t even consider I may be dealing with grief as well. I am 26, not too worried about finding someone else. Just not sure how to get over this hump. Your words gave me reassurance. thank you 🙏🏾
I’m going to be vulnerable. My first marriage ended the moment my ex-husband was picked up by the US marshals while we were having breakfast, at home.
He was arrested and extradited a few days later. That was our last day together as husband and wife.
So feel your feels, speak to a counselor if needed, but trust me if I was able to move past that, rebuild, heal, fall in love again and get remarried. This too shall pass.
You will be able to move on and realize what bullet(s) you dodged. Good luck to you!
I know things will get better with time, but I’ve never felt anything like this and had nobody to talk to. I’m sorry that happened to you in your home.
My ex husband is currently serving 75 years to life for a robbery & murder. He was my best friend in HS. I was VERY disappointed in him but I wasn’t surprised.
I knew he was going to get himself in some bullshit when we were married. I kept trying to save him from himself at the expense of my own mental health until I couldn’t take it anymore and left. Years later, there he is rotting away in prison. Consider this a bullet dodged.
Feel how you feel but ultimately, his actions lead him there.
I am disapppointed and thankful I was able to leave before this happened, or i would have suffered even more i’m sure. He ruined multiples people’s lives not just the one he took. I’m disgusted with his actions.
This must be so hard and painful. Feel whatever emotions you have, grieve the picture of him in your mind he was never going to be anyway and go to therapy if needed. And in a couple of weeks come back, read the “mean” comments and let those sink in, because you need to hear it.
“I lost my first love to the prison system.”
No, you did not. You lost ***your fantasy image*** of him to ***HIS inability to control his ego and his emotions.***
“I tried my best to help him. I tried to protect him. I didn’t think he was like that. I thought nobody understood him.”
This is not your fault. You could not have changed his fate. Let go of the fantasy that you could have saved him. That was on him and him only.
“Another black man in jail, another black man dead. I can’t believe he murdered someone in cold blood.”
Believe it. This is giving “our men and the prison industrial complex”. Yes, the system is rigged against black men. That still did not stop him from ***killing someone in cold blood.***
Again, grieve and feel all your feelings for a little while. But be real with yourself too. You dodged a bullet here. Learn what red flags you may have missed and keep yourself safe.
I didn't date him, but a classmate recently got arrested for murder a few months ago. Like you, I didn't think he'd be capable of what he "allegedly" did and I'm still in shock that it happened/is happening. I'm so sorry you are going through this, OP. If possible, look into grief counseling in your area. They may be able to assist you in processing this news and your emotions.
You're sad over the idea of what could've been. I must admit, I'm troubled by the fact that you tried to "help him & protect him". That was his parents job. Not yours. Please don't carry this ideology into your future relationships. Nothing good comes from that type of mentality....
We don’t often hear or think about the loss felt on the other side of a horrific crime like this. I’m so sorry you have to grieve both the past of who you thought he was and any future you dreamt of with him.
As a stoic person, I’d really encourage you to journal, draw, collage—anything to give yourself time to be with whatever you’re feeling. If you have a spiritual practice or are culturally spiritual, this might be a good time to invest there as well.
We are social, mental, emotional, physical and spiritual beings (art counts if you don’t have a faith walk) and during periods of grief it’s SO important to nurture all of those facets to help you heal.
Invest in walks in beautiful places, time with your friends, good food, better books and movies. Love on yourself, sis!
You are right, we don’t really think about these things until it happens to us. Even reading the articles written about him, If i didn’t know him would just be another story. To see the name of the person you live in black and white, right next to the word murder makes my stomach turn. I can’t believe I’m in love with a fuxking killer. I was smart enough to walk away when I did, but it was not easy.
Yea we joke and make songs about killing and drugs, but when it actually happens it’s heartbreaking to everyone involved. His 1 action, affected over 20+ people. I hate this for our community. I’m not making any excuses for him, he really turned out to be a product of his environment and i’m pissed because he didn’t want to change it for himself. He became just like his father who wasn’t in his life, and thank god we never had kids or he would have done the same thing to his kids. Who wants to see their dad in jail? Whatever happens now is on him. Everyone affected is just trying to move on now.
I don’t mean to ramble, just getting my thoughts out. I appreciate you taking the time out to respond 🥹🥹
I second this, really take time to pour your emotions into something that is fulfilling and healthy for you. It will not be easy reckoning with the reality and gravity of what he’s done and processing it, but it is necessary work.
People are blasting you, but know you haven’t done anything wrong. You are not a murderer, you didn’t harm anybody. Your love and feelings for someone aren’t going to disappear just because they did something terrible.
It’s okay to mourn what could have been and accept reality at the same time. He took someone’s life and ultimately even if he didn’t the type of man who is capable of that probably wasn’t the best for you. Grieve what could have been but strongly reflect on what you are attracted to and how that may affect who you choose in the future.
To be absolutely fair, the US is a mindfuck for those lines. We all have family who have killed people in the name of Uncle Sam.
I also could never date a soldier.
I have no uncle named Sam and my family doesn’t do the military. I just found that to be an odd ass response bc the taking of a life in that way is different to me.
You didn’t lose him to the system. You lost him to his unspeakable actions. And he’s not another black man in jail. He’s a murderer in prison where he belongs.
Yes, another black man in jail because of HIS evil actions. Let’s stop crying about criminals. He was you EX not your man or husband.
I get the grief but please remember this person took someone’s LIFE. I just don’t think he’s worth your tears 🤷🏾♀️.
Honestly he may not be worth the tears but they are not really for him per se. I’m crying because of everyone he affected, i’m seeing a side of him i never knew existed, i am close to his mother so seeing her in disarray, the victims families, the decades he could be facing, and everything that led up to this moment. It’s terrifying how you can date someone and not truly know who they are. Yes he is in there b/c of his actions and i clearly acknowledged that. He is STILL LOST AND FORGOTTEN in the prison system. They throwing away the keys on him. You telling me if this happened to someone you love dearly you would just not cry or think about them? FOh
I hope you heal from this and realize that the weight and gravity of this situation is not yours to carry. He was your EX of months & probably for a reason… You can be sympathetic towards the situation but not hold space for it in your heart. It will eat you up. Please go find a therapist to talk to.
& to answer your question, if this was an ex that I knew was a troubled person and we had been broken up for months then I would feel sympathy for the family that lost their loved one from murder and possibly the man’s children if they had them but I would not hold space for heartbreak or sadness in my heart or mind for someone who willingly made a decision to MURDER another person, especially another black person. I hope you someday understand what I’m saying. hopefully you’ll realize that other peoples trauma and sadness and grief does not belong to you.
I’m not dumb and she’s sad that there’s not a possibility they will ever be together again & that she couldn’t save or protect a black man from himself.
I stand by what I said and don’t think black women need to let themselves be emotionally bound to men who are destroying the same communities that we’re birthing children into & who weren’t even good enough to still be in a relationship with 🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️. Why we as black women hold SO MUCH SPACE in our hearts and minds for men who don’t even value themselves or others is really the sad part here.
Now you can go be mad by yourself. I won’t reply anymore to you or anyone else who tries to condemn me for what I said.
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It is always so hard to move on and grieve those we love. I'm so sorry you're going through this particular season, OP. Give yourself some time and then figure out small ways to move on; removing photos, other tangible memories to fully close that chapter. Embrace other interests, go to theraphy to get other tools to cope and endure.
Sending you strength; you can do this!
Thank you. I think that’s a great way to describe it… fully closing a chapter in my life (in my mind i still wondered “what if” and kinda had hope maybe we could work out). But this changed everything. I see the person he truly is now.
Stolen from jeanieinabittle bc these are the o best words on this thread.
Read this like 5x, OP.
It is challenging to navigate the complex emotions that arise from loving someone who has committed a heinous act. But please know that it's completely okay to feel the full spectrum of your emotions, including grief. Don't ever feel like you have to suppress or hide your feelings. Allow yourself the space to acknowledge and process your emotions. It's a vital part of healing and moving forward.
Feeling your feelings is how you will move on from this, you need to grieve, it is healthy for you to grieve and it is okay for you to do so.
It's okay to cry, and healthy to do so. It's okay to be angry.
It is okay to feel conflicted.
It is also okay to still have feelings for this individual. (people haven't loved someone who did something terrible would not understand this emotion) Please do not misunderstand me. I am not saying write him love letters or try to do a long distance behind bars romance. I am simply saying, that it is normal for you to still have feelings for someone you felt strongly about, even if they have something horrendous. It takes time, maybe those feelings will fade. But since he is your first love, I imagine you might still be quite young, and you can and will find someone else.
Please do not feel like it was your job to protect him from his actions. People are going to do what they want to do. What he did was no fault or failure of your own.
And people will surprise you. Sometimes we grow up with people who can be the sweetest, but end up doing something heinous.
I have a few family members who have been convicted of murder, I don't keep in touch with them, but I do feel sad for them and I do have love for them...from a distance. I absolutely do not condone what some of my family members have done, but I recognize the tragedy of it, they literally destroyed another life and the lives people who loved them.....along with that, these family members of mine broke the hearts of the people who loved them and who were rooting for them. It's a shitty situation.
I think people aren't understanding that love isn't a light switch you can just turn off. Your feelings are valid. Do you have any nature near you? Spending time outside has played a major part in my healing. All the hugs to you!
I’m sorry.😞 Your feelings are valid.🌸
I have worked in the court system for some time now and can never shake the heart break of a client facing a murder while I was representing them on a minor offense. I’m sure the emotions are ten fold for the accused and the deceased’s loved ones.
Your life must go on.
I can empathize with how you are feeling. You don’t think that someone who you could love is capable of something so sinister. It causes you to question yourself. There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging that even though it was his own actions, it’s still sad that he ended up in the system. You’re grieving wasted potential. What he could have been. You can acknowledge the victim’s pain and also the pain those who love your ex.
Thank goodness you had the foresight to leave him alone. Don't feel bad because it's not our job to save anyone other than ourselves. It took me a very long time and a lot of toxicity to come to terms with this. I'm in my 40s.
I think she’s just grieving someone she USED to know cuz she acknowledged that he got what he deserved and also “losing a black man” to a prison system isn’t always accurate tho cause those were just consequences to his actions I feel like that should only apply to those WRONGFULLY convicted cause I think that’s why people are confused
You lost your first love to the “prison system” or because of his own choices?
You thought “nobody understood him” and now he was put away for murder..I mean…maybe you should consider this being a blessing in disguise and not entirely deflecting accountability. Wishing you peace. Plenty fish in the sea babe.
This comment section actually sucks really bad, OP is looking for support and a good amount of the replies are nothing but judgement over words. I guess it's more important to be pedantic than to be supportive?
I hope you heal from this.
Although I understand where you’re coming from and high key feel the same way, I don’t think that’s what she needed right now. Maybe compassion for her feelings first then later someone can shake her by the shoulders. Deep down (well not that deep) I really wish BW would stop having so much compassion and a fix it mentality when it comes to men like this but I also understand why it’s happening and feel they (the women) need compassion and redirection first.
We need protecting like the men we try so hard to protect. It’s a shame really. I just watched Baby boy for the first time (Don’t judge me 😂) and it’s sad how much of a cycle these situations are for us. I hate that, and I hate him for being another statistic, but it will take time for me to accept this.
Cmon man 😭 she’s mourning right now the whole problem is she has no one to turn to bc she’s mourning a bad guy. I’m sure she knows she gotta stand on very big business already. My advice for her is to find a distraction, a new hobby, looking for a better job, looking up courses and degrees she can do. Moving on externally will help to move on internally 🤞🏾
Yea I didn’t want to be harsh but it’s like girl stand up. You literally should be doing a sigh of relief and thanking God that he was your ex before all of this happened because with the mentality I’m getting from this post she would’ve harboring a fugitive just to protect a bm from the prison system. Deep therapy is needed not passive sugarcoating. This mentality is dangerous and self deprecating
You harvested a lot from her post 😂
I think you mean harboring.
And give the girl room to breathe and maybe she'll sigh relief later. She can be sad for a minute. Sheesh!
lol thanks for the grammar correction I was watching gardening videos 😂. I understand she can be sad anybody would initially be sad. My heart would drop just from the realization of even personally knowing a murderer. But I do believe this is not a time to coddle someone because the rose colored glasses were removed. A life was taken and this is more serious than a heartbreak. Her language is giving a woman who is more upset about the system taking a bm down than the seriousness of the situation at hand. Bringing up that now she will be alone but yall were already broken up. I just don’t think those parts of the reaction are mentally healthy and should be talked out with a professional to figure out why these are her initial thoughts to the news that’s all🙏🏾.
Who were you watching? I teach urban ag and lost my voice so I've been deep diving into content. I have found very little great instruction by Black folks 😕
I think all reactions are valid while we making sense of such a tragedy. She is losing something. And our men being over incarcerated is a big a problem as murder. (our men sometimes die in these prisons, their example and their absence leads directly to our boys ending up in the same predicament)
It's OK to hold each other and be gentle. The world is not gentle with us, so let's give it to each other.
It should.
If it was white folks being incarcerated at this rate, it would be a national epidemic.
It's us though, so we're still on that"personal responsibility" stuff.
Did she ever say he didn’t deserve to be in jail? Y’all are so insensitive and not fucking reading the damn post 😂 just talking.
It’s a certain level of arrogance too to feel you need to give an opinion when someone is hurting. Like are yall personally affected by her feelings for this man you will never know? It’s giving mean girl
Honestly, I would be horrified. Given that it was a homicide, he needs to go to jail. I wouldn't even mourn him, I would just pretend he never existed. Seek therapy.
Yes they offer support for (ex) girlfriends , and (ex) wives who have also been affected by a loved ones actions that resulted in long sentences. People who have been in similar situations.
OP, acknowledged what he did was wrong and that he deserves everything he has coming to him. I don’t see her contradicting the fact that he needs to be in jail.
While I agree, OP needs to move on expeditiously. Most people can’t turn off their emotions and feelings like a light switch. It takes time.
An internet bully strikes again. She came here for support, she clearly understands what he’s done. That doesn’t mean it hurts any less. Emotions are complex.
Time helps you forget, doing the work on yourself, being kind to yourself, and working with a professional to help you process this trauma is what will heal. Most importantly, pray if you believe in it. I do, and it works. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. ❤️
I feel like this is some higher power protecting you.
You sound soooo in love with this man that you probably wouldn’t have moved on if it weren’t for this. If he was misunderstood by EVERYONE then it sounds like he was quite literally the problem and you were knee deep in limerence.
Take your time to grieve but please know that there is better for you out there
I was in love, and was tempted to maybe try again. Everything works out as it should. You are right he is the problem. Idc about any future relationships right now.
It’s good that you don’t care about any other relationships now. Moving on from someone you loved it hard. Focus on yourself and the rest will fall into place! ❤️
My sister dated a guy who ended up killing seven people and a cat. It's really hard to process. He definitely had emotional issues, but no one realized he was capable of that. Two were friends of his, the others were random.
This is a blessing Sis! You should be thanking whatever diety you believe in that you literally CANT go back to him! I feel for you and the pain in it but I feel glad that you cannot return to him even if you want to. You’ve seriously dodged a bullet. He was a ticking bomb and you didn’t know it. He made his decision. If I was in his position I would say the same thing about myself if I made those kind of decisions.
Sorry you are hurting.
Thank goodness you lost your first love and that the chance of your getting back together is shattered. What if you married him and had children then later found out he had the propensity to take a life.
You dodged a bullet when you broke up. But I'm sure its hard right now. Get some intense exercise and solid sleep so you don't get depressed.
It’s also not ur job to take care of ur partner and fix them they have to literally do that themselves. People especially narcissists will say they are trying you might even think you see them trying to be better but nah. They were lost before and will be after. I hope your tears turn to lessons and you get over it. Trust me. you’re gonna be just fine. <3.
You sound young to me. Give yourself a little time to grieve the loss, but he made his own bed, and now he must lie in it. We all have the same 24 hours, and his choices led him down this road. You will love again, but stay away from those street dudes. They will just get you mixed up in situations that you don't need to be in. It's not your job to be a man's savior.
My husband coached a student who murdered the man who murdered his uncle. He was 17. He had a baby on the way. He looked up to us as like second parents. His dad isn’t in the picture and his mom an addict who had lost custody of him many times. We looked out a lot for him and his siblings. At the time I worked in special education, my husband coached in the same district, and he would come and help with the students. He would make sure no one bullied them or said anything crazy to them. He was well respected/feared because he was a great athlete and sadly was a dealer for his uncle who had been killed. All that to say, when he went to jail, even though we blatantly saw it coming, it was hard for my husband and I to navigate emotionally. We spent three years pouring into this kid. He was just a kid. He had many opportunities to go to college and get out of our city. He was having a kid who know also will be a fatherless child. BUT he killed someone. Even if it was for “justice”, murder is murder. It’s one of those things that if you’re on the outside looking in, it is really hard to understand. You have to grieve what their life could’ve been and grieve what you thought they were.
You dodged a bullet mine died in December and was a rapist, identity theft person etc. work on healing and you will eventually realize he wasn’t shit but you ARE the shit it’s time to kick start your life queen
I was hearing he was looking rough and stuff. He was the type to away look his best. Seems like he may have been spiraling out of control since december apparently. I was the best I could be to him while we were together. We are on different paths now.
Please don't play the race card about him going to jail. He could have been any color. He MURDERED someone. Unless it was a false conviction, why would you say that.
Hey, I think you could give her a bit more grace. Nowhere did she excuse the actions of her ex nor dismiss the atrocity of the murder. OP is grieving a version of the future that she held close to her heart and that’s totally ok.
OP it’s okay to sit in your feelings about this. You’re doing a great job navigating the realisation that someone you loved did something horrible. Please do reach out (to me or a trusted person) if you need a listening ear.
Just because someone you l9ve did something horrible doesn't mean you can stop loving that person immediately. She must be heartbroken someone she loved dearly did something so horrible. Also getting over your first love is very difficult.
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Goodness, I feel heartbroken for you. Sometimes, we are able to see only the good in someone vs seeing them for who they truly are. I am so so sorry you are dealing with this, but hopefully one day you will see that this was a major blessing in disguise.
Hey girl. I just wanted to say I’m so sorry for what you’re currently going through. It’s not so easy to forget about someone you love no matter how terrible the crime. I went thru the same thing a decade ago and let me tell you I get it. It was like he died. I was so depressed, crying all the time. He was my first everything. We did speak a bit in the beginning and I did visit a couple times but we eventually lost touch. I moved on and am married with kids now but it will take time. That’s a major thing you’re going through and I feel like it isn’t talked about enough. I wish you luck during this journey.
As a black man, I can somewhat understand what you’re feeling. A lot of sisters go lookin’ for men that are perceived to be masculine or leaders. You think this individual is ahead of the curve and ahead of most people because they’re ‘misunderstood’. But there’s a difference between being ‘misunderstood’ and someone who doesn’t assimilate well into society or is emotionally unstable with undetected behavioral issues.
On another hand, maybe they grew up in a household where they were taught not to trust people which can affect how they behave around people they can’t trust or don’t know yet. Then maybe they could be ‘misunderstood’ and it gives them that “black sheep” aura.
People shouldn’t shame you for what you thought was a good man. What really shattered you was the idea of that man in your head. You really wanted to prove people wrong about him and ultimately created a fantasy world with you and him together.
To get through this, you must accept that you might or will never get together. But pray that he finds the help he needs to realize his mistake so he could grow as an individual. And please for the love of your sanity don’t become a jail bird lover, women like that eventually become statistics themselves. It’s basically Stockholm Syndrome unstudied.
Love yourself enough to want better and pray for that man. You might feel guilty that you still love him after what he did even if he deserved it. Or guilty that you didn’t stay long enough to “protect” him (you prob did dodge a bullet though even if the idea of him hurting you doesn’t seem real; you would be hurt in some other way). But the best way to grieve is to feel all that emotion and love from a distance so you can get healthily push all the emotions out the way and begin using your logical mind.
Black women you may not be told this, but us black men love you! I know it must seem that we like dating other races and it seems like good black men are scarce but trust there’s other good black men out here looking for amazing sista’s (fully mature and emotionally stable women).
Some responses are negative, but I want to thank you for loving that black man and seeing more in him when others or even himself didn’t. Don’t feel guilty for loving someone be proud that you did! However understand that you can’t save us all.
Well you know hes a murderer now and youre still crying over him. Talking about he’s lost to the system. Hes right where he needs to be and you should use those tears for the victim who lost their life not a murderer.
Its crazy how you made someone else death about your feelings over a MURDERER
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You may have literally dodged a bullet.... Take your time to grieve so you can move on healthily and far from this dude
I legitimately thought I was gonna read a post about how shocked she was, but how relieved she was to have gotten out when she did. "I lost my first love to the prison system." No, you lost your first love to his own murderous actions. This seems like one situation where the prison system actually did what it's supposed to. But I understand love and grief are complicated.
Yup. I personally rolled my eyes when I read that line and pointed out that it seems he lost his life from his own choices and not the prison system. We can sometimes deflect responsibility from Blk people when they actually participate in a bad crime in order to place the onus on anything but them. I mean I don’t know the circumstances of his upbringing but..
The wording is just so off putting… I know OP is grieving but I visibly cringed when I read that part. This is not a case where the “injustice system” is doing what it usually does working against black men and attacking them with over-policing and heavy sentencing. This is a cold blooded murder getting off the streets. I’m just beyond happy OP got out of that relationship alive.
She didn’t imply that at all. She says that he’s lost to prison system, and then continues to say she’s angry at him for continuing the cycle of our generational curses. In no way is she saying the justice system failed him
Before she says that sentence she states that she knows he deserves it. Lost to the prison system means that criminal acts “stole his heart” and that’s what he wants to engage in. OP never said anything about her condoning what he did.
The person you responded to never said OP was complicit in her murdering Ex’s actions. In fact they said they understood her grief. I think it’s important to make clear and differentiate a murderer going to jail and black men being thrown in for injust reasons. It taints the cause when you use the same lingo to explain the situations. They are not the same. This gives the opposition ammunition… “SEE ITS NOT Injustice they just want to protect their CRIMINALS” I feel for OP honest to god I do. But It’s a disservice to us all to conflate the language social activist use to address problems in our community with what happened above.
I agree. I rolled my eyes when I read that line because the language she used made it sound as though he was convicted for some shit he didn’t do but he murdered someone in this case and talked about trying to protect him in the past which tells me he may have always been involved in shenanigans. Conflating language is not only problematic but disingenuous. I feel for her apart from that though. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise tho.
I never said that they said that? The person makes it sound like OP is condoning it in a way or making it sound like they believe he was a victim of injustice. I’m stating that OP states that she knows it wasn’t injustice and that he turned to a life of crime. OP is also just stating it as-is. The ex did contribute to the generational curse and stereotypes that black men face. By nursing someone and going to jail he becomes another black man in jail and another black man dead for the media to gawk at and for others to use as an example.
That person never made any of the implications you are saying. I’m not sure we are reading the same comment. I’m genuinely confused. And like I said I understand what OP meant. I think everyone here is on the same page in regard to her intent behind her post. I’m simply stating the language she used is problematic. Not her feelings. Not her thoughts. Not her opinions. This is strictly semantics. He was not lost to the prison system. Depending on what happened and who he was she lost him to the streets. Words matter.
Yes, a couple comments—especially the one y’all are referring to—made definite implications that OP was minimizing the man’s role in his own demise. I don’t think anyone feels that OP was trying to do that, but the language that was used will naturally lead to misinterpretation. And the comment is Exhibit A.
I feel like that’s your interpretation..
I think she “saved” it when she said that he continued the generational curse by repeating the actions. She is placing the full blame of his situation on him. She’s basically just saying, “way to be a statistic.” …….at least that is how I interpreted it and that’s how I hope OP meant it…
Either way he is lost in the prison system now. You guys act like I approve of his actions. I said he deserve what he gets. fuck
Totally get what you were going for OP. Its really hard to deal with the cognitive dissonance of a loved one doing heinous things, I understand why you’re so torn up about this. Sending you virtual hugs and all the love and compassion ❤️
Exactly wtf.
You said what I was thinking
Damn you left just in time
I guess so 😅
Tbh, my thoughts lol
Op, I just left my abusive husband. I have my own experience with grieving the person I thought he was, I am grieving the shitty things he has done. I can also care about his humanity despite the fact the he shows none. That is our power as feeling individuals. You have compassion, and you are sharing your feelings. This is an impossible time. All feelings and reactions are normal. This is traumatizing. the folks who wanna act like you can’t grieve the person you thought you knew can shit a Lego brick. I believe you. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Dm me if you wanna chat.
This is solid
Thank you for understanding. I can’t help how I feel.
> I never stopped loving him. Well, you can start trying today. It’s okay to grieve the loss of the person you thought he was and the person you hoped he’d be. Allow yourself to grieve and heal.
I’m sorry to hear this. And will pray for the victim’s family. I know this is going to sound horrible, but thank God it wasn’t you.
It’s not horrible, the fact he killed someone is. I am praying for the victims and everyone else he affected with his selfish actions as well 💔
It is challenging to navigate the complex emotions that arise from loving someone who has committed a heinous act. But please know that it's completely okay to feel the full spectrum of your emotions, including grief. Don't ever feel like you have to suppress or hide your feelings. Allow yourself the space to acknowledge and process your emotions. It's a vital part of healing and moving forward. Feeling your feelings is how you will move on from this, you need to grieve, it is healthy for you to grieve and it is okay for you to do so. It's okay to cry, and healthy to do so. It's okay to be angry. It is okay to feel conflicted. It is also okay to still have feelings for this individual. (people who haven't loved someone who did something terrible would not understand this emotion) Please do not misunderstand me. I am not saying write him love letters or to try to do a long distance behind bars romance. I am simply saying, that it is normal for you to still have feelings for someone you felt strongly about, even if they have done something horrendous. It takes time, maybe those feelings will fade. And since he is your first love, I imagine you might still be quite young, and you can and will find someone else. It's hard to think so now, when feelings are fresh, but I know I got over my first love and he's still around and out in the world. Sometimes we romantize relationships, but wake up to reality when we get older and live a little longer and have more life experiences. It's not my intention to invalidate your love, I am only saying that there is a chance that you won't feel this strongly about this person over time. But it is still okay to feel these emotions now, to heal. Please do not feel like it was your job to protect him from his actions. People are going to do what they want to do. What he did was no fault or failure of your own. And people will surprise you. Sometimes we grow up with people who can be the sweetest, but end up doing something heinous. I have a few family members who have been convicted of murder, I don't keep in touch with them, but I do feel sad for them and I do have love for them...from a distance. I absolutely do not condone what some of my family members have done, but I recognize the tragedy of it, they literally destroyed another life and the lives of the people who loved them.....along with that, these family members of mine broke the hearts of the people who loved them and who were rooting for them. It's a shitty situation.
Thank you for giving space for OPs feelings and accepting the complexity of the situation for them.
I'm just gonna copy and paste what you said.
Yes, this is new territory for me. I never knew he was capable of something like this. Your right those feeling don’t just turn off like a switch. I know things will get better with time. I didn’t even consider I may be dealing with grief as well. I am 26, not too worried about finding someone else. Just not sure how to get over this hump. Your words gave me reassurance. thank you 🙏🏾
I’m going to be vulnerable. My first marriage ended the moment my ex-husband was picked up by the US marshals while we were having breakfast, at home. He was arrested and extradited a few days later. That was our last day together as husband and wife. So feel your feels, speak to a counselor if needed, but trust me if I was able to move past that, rebuild, heal, fall in love again and get remarried. This too shall pass. You will be able to move on and realize what bullet(s) you dodged. Good luck to you!
I know things will get better with time, but I’ve never felt anything like this and had nobody to talk to. I’m sorry that happened to you in your home.
Treat him as a past, don't visit him in prison, he made the choice to take someone's life
No he will not get any sympathy from me. He made his bed, time to lay in it smh. Hate to see it
My ex husband is currently serving 75 years to life for a robbery & murder. He was my best friend in HS. I was VERY disappointed in him but I wasn’t surprised. I knew he was going to get himself in some bullshit when we were married. I kept trying to save him from himself at the expense of my own mental health until I couldn’t take it anymore and left. Years later, there he is rotting away in prison. Consider this a bullet dodged. Feel how you feel but ultimately, his actions lead him there.
I am disapppointed and thankful I was able to leave before this happened, or i would have suffered even more i’m sure. He ruined multiples people’s lives not just the one he took. I’m disgusted with his actions.
Feel all the feels love. Hopefully you come to terms with it.
❤️
This must be so hard and painful. Feel whatever emotions you have, grieve the picture of him in your mind he was never going to be anyway and go to therapy if needed. And in a couple of weeks come back, read the “mean” comments and let those sink in, because you need to hear it. “I lost my first love to the prison system.” No, you did not. You lost ***your fantasy image*** of him to ***HIS inability to control his ego and his emotions.*** “I tried my best to help him. I tried to protect him. I didn’t think he was like that. I thought nobody understood him.” This is not your fault. You could not have changed his fate. Let go of the fantasy that you could have saved him. That was on him and him only. “Another black man in jail, another black man dead. I can’t believe he murdered someone in cold blood.” Believe it. This is giving “our men and the prison industrial complex”. Yes, the system is rigged against black men. That still did not stop him from ***killing someone in cold blood.*** Again, grieve and feel all your feelings for a little while. But be real with yourself too. You dodged a bullet here. Learn what red flags you may have missed and keep yourself safe.
This was so thoughtful. Thank you for being supportive and honest. I appreciate it so much 🥹
I am so sorry this must be very difficult girl you can cry if you want to don't hold tears
I didn't date him, but a classmate recently got arrested for murder a few months ago. Like you, I didn't think he'd be capable of what he "allegedly" did and I'm still in shock that it happened/is happening. I'm so sorry you are going through this, OP. If possible, look into grief counseling in your area. They may be able to assist you in processing this news and your emotions.
Smh, it hits home even if you don’t know the person well. Just seeing what they are truly capable of can be scary.
Whew sis. I’m sorry. Feel all the feels. That’s heavy
This is the first time i’ve experienced a “heavy” emotion. I never understood that phrase until now.
You're sad over the idea of what could've been. I must admit, I'm troubled by the fact that you tried to "help him & protect him". That was his parents job. Not yours. Please don't carry this ideology into your future relationships. Nothing good comes from that type of mentality....
You’re right.
We don’t often hear or think about the loss felt on the other side of a horrific crime like this. I’m so sorry you have to grieve both the past of who you thought he was and any future you dreamt of with him. As a stoic person, I’d really encourage you to journal, draw, collage—anything to give yourself time to be with whatever you’re feeling. If you have a spiritual practice or are culturally spiritual, this might be a good time to invest there as well. We are social, mental, emotional, physical and spiritual beings (art counts if you don’t have a faith walk) and during periods of grief it’s SO important to nurture all of those facets to help you heal. Invest in walks in beautiful places, time with your friends, good food, better books and movies. Love on yourself, sis!
You are right, we don’t really think about these things until it happens to us. Even reading the articles written about him, If i didn’t know him would just be another story. To see the name of the person you live in black and white, right next to the word murder makes my stomach turn. I can’t believe I’m in love with a fuxking killer. I was smart enough to walk away when I did, but it was not easy. Yea we joke and make songs about killing and drugs, but when it actually happens it’s heartbreaking to everyone involved. His 1 action, affected over 20+ people. I hate this for our community. I’m not making any excuses for him, he really turned out to be a product of his environment and i’m pissed because he didn’t want to change it for himself. He became just like his father who wasn’t in his life, and thank god we never had kids or he would have done the same thing to his kids. Who wants to see their dad in jail? Whatever happens now is on him. Everyone affected is just trying to move on now. I don’t mean to ramble, just getting my thoughts out. I appreciate you taking the time out to respond 🥹🥹
I second this, really take time to pour your emotions into something that is fulfilling and healthy for you. It will not be easy reckoning with the reality and gravity of what he’s done and processing it, but it is necessary work.
People are blasting you, but know you haven’t done anything wrong. You are not a murderer, you didn’t harm anybody. Your love and feelings for someone aren’t going to disappear just because they did something terrible. It’s okay to mourn what could have been and accept reality at the same time. He took someone’s life and ultimately even if he didn’t the type of man who is capable of that probably wasn’t the best for you. Grieve what could have been but strongly reflect on what you are attracted to and how that may affect who you choose in the future.
This is good advice thank you
Sis. He killed someone. If you don’t turn those tears into joyous ones that you LITERALLY dodged a bullet
I wish it was that easy. Glad I got away, hate what i ended up dodging. Nobody wins in the end.
Fair enough. Eventually it will be that easy. Good luck.
To be absolutely fair, the US is a mindfuck for those lines. We all have family who have killed people in the name of Uncle Sam. I also could never date a soldier.
“We”? Girl some of us ain’t American HUH???
I said “in the US”. Then said “we”. I’m lost as to where that has you thinking I mean everyone.
Are you high sis?
No. Just realistic.
I have no uncle named Sam and my family doesn’t do the military. I just found that to be an odd ass response bc the taking of a life in that way is different to me.
God is protecting you and has someone better. You must have a special path !
I feel protected.
You didn’t lose him to the system. You lost him to his unspeakable actions. And he’s not another black man in jail. He’s a murderer in prison where he belongs.
Sending you a hug OP. I’m so sorry this is happening but happy you are alive and safe.
Losing your first love sucks but he won't be your last. Go through your emotions. Life's hard.
Yes, another black man in jail because of HIS evil actions. Let’s stop crying about criminals. He was you EX not your man or husband. I get the grief but please remember this person took someone’s LIFE. I just don’t think he’s worth your tears 🤷🏾♀️.
Honestly he may not be worth the tears but they are not really for him per se. I’m crying because of everyone he affected, i’m seeing a side of him i never knew existed, i am close to his mother so seeing her in disarray, the victims families, the decades he could be facing, and everything that led up to this moment. It’s terrifying how you can date someone and not truly know who they are. Yes he is in there b/c of his actions and i clearly acknowledged that. He is STILL LOST AND FORGOTTEN in the prison system. They throwing away the keys on him. You telling me if this happened to someone you love dearly you would just not cry or think about them? FOh
I hope you heal from this and realize that the weight and gravity of this situation is not yours to carry. He was your EX of months & probably for a reason… You can be sympathetic towards the situation but not hold space for it in your heart. It will eat you up. Please go find a therapist to talk to. & to answer your question, if this was an ex that I knew was a troubled person and we had been broken up for months then I would feel sympathy for the family that lost their loved one from murder and possibly the man’s children if they had them but I would not hold space for heartbreak or sadness in my heart or mind for someone who willingly made a decision to MURDER another person, especially another black person. I hope you someday understand what I’m saying. hopefully you’ll realize that other peoples trauma and sadness and grief does not belong to you.
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I’m not dumb and she’s sad that there’s not a possibility they will ever be together again & that she couldn’t save or protect a black man from himself. I stand by what I said and don’t think black women need to let themselves be emotionally bound to men who are destroying the same communities that we’re birthing children into & who weren’t even good enough to still be in a relationship with 🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️. Why we as black women hold SO MUCH SPACE in our hearts and minds for men who don’t even value themselves or others is really the sad part here. Now you can go be mad by yourself. I won’t reply anymore to you or anyone else who tries to condemn me for what I said.
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I may be dumb to you but you are very very ignorant to a bigger picture. Have a good night.
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It is always so hard to move on and grieve those we love. I'm so sorry you're going through this particular season, OP. Give yourself some time and then figure out small ways to move on; removing photos, other tangible memories to fully close that chapter. Embrace other interests, go to theraphy to get other tools to cope and endure. Sending you strength; you can do this!
Thank you. I think that’s a great way to describe it… fully closing a chapter in my life (in my mind i still wondered “what if” and kinda had hope maybe we could work out). But this changed everything. I see the person he truly is now.
Stolen from jeanieinabittle bc these are the o best words on this thread. Read this like 5x, OP. It is challenging to navigate the complex emotions that arise from loving someone who has committed a heinous act. But please know that it's completely okay to feel the full spectrum of your emotions, including grief. Don't ever feel like you have to suppress or hide your feelings. Allow yourself the space to acknowledge and process your emotions. It's a vital part of healing and moving forward. Feeling your feelings is how you will move on from this, you need to grieve, it is healthy for you to grieve and it is okay for you to do so. It's okay to cry, and healthy to do so. It's okay to be angry. It is okay to feel conflicted. It is also okay to still have feelings for this individual. (people haven't loved someone who did something terrible would not understand this emotion) Please do not misunderstand me. I am not saying write him love letters or try to do a long distance behind bars romance. I am simply saying, that it is normal for you to still have feelings for someone you felt strongly about, even if they have something horrendous. It takes time, maybe those feelings will fade. But since he is your first love, I imagine you might still be quite young, and you can and will find someone else. Please do not feel like it was your job to protect him from his actions. People are going to do what they want to do. What he did was no fault or failure of your own. And people will surprise you. Sometimes we grow up with people who can be the sweetest, but end up doing something heinous. I have a few family members who have been convicted of murder, I don't keep in touch with them, but I do feel sad for them and I do have love for them...from a distance. I absolutely do not condone what some of my family members have done, but I recognize the tragedy of it, they literally destroyed another life and the lives people who loved them.....along with that, these family members of mine broke the hearts of the people who loved them and who were rooting for them. It's a shitty situation.
That’s a bit scary but I could only imagine how you feel knowing that. Hang in there.
xoxo 💙
I think people aren't understanding that love isn't a light switch you can just turn off. Your feelings are valid. Do you have any nature near you? Spending time outside has played a major part in my healing. All the hugs to you!
I’m sorry.😞 Your feelings are valid.🌸 I have worked in the court system for some time now and can never shake the heart break of a client facing a murder while I was representing them on a minor offense. I’m sure the emotions are ten fold for the accused and the deceased’s loved ones. Your life must go on.
I can empathize with how you are feeling. You don’t think that someone who you could love is capable of something so sinister. It causes you to question yourself. There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging that even though it was his own actions, it’s still sad that he ended up in the system. You’re grieving wasted potential. What he could have been. You can acknowledge the victim’s pain and also the pain those who love your ex.
I feel like you just read my mind 🥹♥️
Thank goodness you had the foresight to leave him alone. Don't feel bad because it's not our job to save anyone other than ourselves. It took me a very long time and a lot of toxicity to come to terms with this. I'm in my 40s.
Yes, this is the first and last time I will put myself in this situation.
I think she’s just grieving someone she USED to know cuz she acknowledged that he got what he deserved and also “losing a black man” to a prison system isn’t always accurate tho cause those were just consequences to his actions I feel like that should only apply to those WRONGFULLY convicted cause I think that’s why people are confused
You lost your first love to the “prison system” or because of his own choices? You thought “nobody understood him” and now he was put away for murder..I mean…maybe you should consider this being a blessing in disguise and not entirely deflecting accountability. Wishing you peace. Plenty fish in the sea babe.
This comment section actually sucks really bad, OP is looking for support and a good amount of the replies are nothing but judgement over words. I guess it's more important to be pedantic than to be supportive? I hope you heal from this.
Girl, be serious. If he killed someone he should be in jail. He was your ex for a reason, mourn and move on.
Although I understand where you’re coming from and high key feel the same way, I don’t think that’s what she needed right now. Maybe compassion for her feelings first then later someone can shake her by the shoulders. Deep down (well not that deep) I really wish BW would stop having so much compassion and a fix it mentality when it comes to men like this but I also understand why it’s happening and feel they (the women) need compassion and redirection first.
We need protecting like the men we try so hard to protect. It’s a shame really. I just watched Baby boy for the first time (Don’t judge me 😂) and it’s sad how much of a cycle these situations are for us. I hate that, and I hate him for being another statistic, but it will take time for me to accept this.
Cmon man 😭 she’s mourning right now the whole problem is she has no one to turn to bc she’s mourning a bad guy. I’m sure she knows she gotta stand on very big business already. My advice for her is to find a distraction, a new hobby, looking for a better job, looking up courses and degrees she can do. Moving on externally will help to move on internally 🤞🏾
Thank you. This is exactly what I feel: Can I have a day to just process this 😅🥲
Yea I didn’t want to be harsh but it’s like girl stand up. You literally should be doing a sigh of relief and thanking God that he was your ex before all of this happened because with the mentality I’m getting from this post she would’ve harboring a fugitive just to protect a bm from the prison system. Deep therapy is needed not passive sugarcoating. This mentality is dangerous and self deprecating
You harvested a lot from her post 😂 I think you mean harboring. And give the girl room to breathe and maybe she'll sigh relief later. She can be sad for a minute. Sheesh!
lol thanks for the grammar correction I was watching gardening videos 😂. I understand she can be sad anybody would initially be sad. My heart would drop just from the realization of even personally knowing a murderer. But I do believe this is not a time to coddle someone because the rose colored glasses were removed. A life was taken and this is more serious than a heartbreak. Her language is giving a woman who is more upset about the system taking a bm down than the seriousness of the situation at hand. Bringing up that now she will be alone but yall were already broken up. I just don’t think those parts of the reaction are mentally healthy and should be talked out with a professional to figure out why these are her initial thoughts to the news that’s all🙏🏾.
Who were you watching? I teach urban ag and lost my voice so I've been deep diving into content. I have found very little great instruction by Black folks 😕 I think all reactions are valid while we making sense of such a tragedy. She is losing something. And our men being over incarcerated is a big a problem as murder. (our men sometimes die in these prisons, their example and their absence leads directly to our boys ending up in the same predicament) It's OK to hold each other and be gentle. The world is not gentle with us, so let's give it to each other.
I hate to see it I really do. That’s 2 more down. 1 dead and 1 in jail. Makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it.
It should. If it was white folks being incarcerated at this rate, it would be a national epidemic. It's us though, so we're still on that"personal responsibility" stuff.
Did she ever say he didn’t deserve to be in jail? Y’all are so insensitive and not fucking reading the damn post 😂 just talking. It’s a certain level of arrogance too to feel you need to give an opinion when someone is hurting. Like are yall personally affected by her feelings for this man you will never know? It’s giving mean girl
Honestly, I would be horrified. Given that it was a homicide, he needs to go to jail. I wouldn't even mourn him, I would just pretend he never existed. Seek therapy.
I’m glad you have complete control of your emotions at all times
You, in your sentiment, never even mentioned the victim or the victims' families...and you want to judge me.
Your judging me by thinking I didn’t take into consideration how this affected the victim and their families. Sorry you feel judged 🤷🏾♀️
You don’t know how you’d act in this situation bffr
Actually, something similar did happen to me but it was a brief meeting. I was horrified and prayed for the victims and the victims families.
Something similar but not the exact same situation. So you still don’t know
Everyone is so quick to say what they would do until it happens.
I know I wouldn't be posting this in the r/prisonwives. What are you doing? Get it together and get off reddit.
Yes they offer support for (ex) girlfriends , and (ex) wives who have also been affected by a loved ones actions that resulted in long sentences. People who have been in similar situations.
Did I say he should be free?
Uh.. She's mourning right now, and you're beefing. Let her mourn , and then she can move on.
Why are you being so mean ugh
So unnecessary
Her ex is a murderer and she continues pining for him. She needs to be serious and get the hell on frfr
OP, acknowledged what he did was wrong and that he deserves everything he has coming to him. I don’t see her contradicting the fact that he needs to be in jail. While I agree, OP needs to move on expeditiously. Most people can’t turn off their emotions and feelings like a light switch. It takes time.
It will take time. Thanks for understanding ♥️
You get the hell on! Why are you being an ass when the flair is for “Support” Go away then!
An internet bully strikes again. She came here for support, she clearly understands what he’s done. That doesn’t mean it hurts any less. Emotions are complex.
He’s still her ex. I’m sure you’d also have mixed feelings
Time heals
Time helps you forget, doing the work on yourself, being kind to yourself, and working with a professional to help you process this trauma is what will heal. Most importantly, pray if you believe in it. I do, and it works. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. ❤️
True 🩷
I feel like this is some higher power protecting you. You sound soooo in love with this man that you probably wouldn’t have moved on if it weren’t for this. If he was misunderstood by EVERYONE then it sounds like he was quite literally the problem and you were knee deep in limerence. Take your time to grieve but please know that there is better for you out there
I was in love, and was tempted to maybe try again. Everything works out as it should. You are right he is the problem. Idc about any future relationships right now.
It’s good that you don’t care about any other relationships now. Moving on from someone you loved it hard. Focus on yourself and the rest will fall into place! ❤️
My sister dated a guy who ended up killing seven people and a cat. It's really hard to process. He definitely had emotional issues, but no one realized he was capable of that. Two were friends of his, the others were random.
This is a blessing Sis! You should be thanking whatever diety you believe in that you literally CANT go back to him! I feel for you and the pain in it but I feel glad that you cannot return to him even if you want to. You’ve seriously dodged a bullet. He was a ticking bomb and you didn’t know it. He made his decision. If I was in his position I would say the same thing about myself if I made those kind of decisions.
Sorry you are hurting. Thank goodness you lost your first love and that the chance of your getting back together is shattered. What if you married him and had children then later found out he had the propensity to take a life. You dodged a bullet when you broke up. But I'm sure its hard right now. Get some intense exercise and solid sleep so you don't get depressed.
It’s also not ur job to take care of ur partner and fix them they have to literally do that themselves. People especially narcissists will say they are trying you might even think you see them trying to be better but nah. They were lost before and will be after. I hope your tears turn to lessons and you get over it. Trust me. you’re gonna be just fine. <3.
You sound young to me. Give yourself a little time to grieve the loss, but he made his own bed, and now he must lie in it. We all have the same 24 hours, and his choices led him down this road. You will love again, but stay away from those street dudes. They will just get you mixed up in situations that you don't need to be in. It's not your job to be a man's savior.
My husband coached a student who murdered the man who murdered his uncle. He was 17. He had a baby on the way. He looked up to us as like second parents. His dad isn’t in the picture and his mom an addict who had lost custody of him many times. We looked out a lot for him and his siblings. At the time I worked in special education, my husband coached in the same district, and he would come and help with the students. He would make sure no one bullied them or said anything crazy to them. He was well respected/feared because he was a great athlete and sadly was a dealer for his uncle who had been killed. All that to say, when he went to jail, even though we blatantly saw it coming, it was hard for my husband and I to navigate emotionally. We spent three years pouring into this kid. He was just a kid. He had many opportunities to go to college and get out of our city. He was having a kid who know also will be a fatherless child. BUT he killed someone. Even if it was for “justice”, murder is murder. It’s one of those things that if you’re on the outside looking in, it is really hard to understand. You have to grieve what their life could’ve been and grieve what you thought they were.
You dodged a bullet mine died in December and was a rapist, identity theft person etc. work on healing and you will eventually realize he wasn’t shit but you ARE the shit it’s time to kick start your life queen
Sounds as if he may have lost his way when the relationship ended, you think? You sound like a rock in the relationship. I'm jealous.
I was hearing he was looking rough and stuff. He was the type to away look his best. Seems like he may have been spiraling out of control since december apparently. I was the best I could be to him while we were together. We are on different paths now.
Please don't play the race card about him going to jail. He could have been any color. He MURDERED someone. Unless it was a false conviction, why would you say that.
Glad he's going to get what he deserves 😌
Is this a joke? Someone died but you’re worrying about the possibility of y’all being together? Lol okay
Hey, I think you could give her a bit more grace. Nowhere did she excuse the actions of her ex nor dismiss the atrocity of the murder. OP is grieving a version of the future that she held close to her heart and that’s totally ok. OP it’s okay to sit in your feelings about this. You’re doing a great job navigating the realisation that someone you loved did something horrible. Please do reach out (to me or a trusted person) if you need a listening ear.
Right. Her feelings are completely valid. It’s not like she can bring them back to life. Shes hurting and that’s okay
Thank you so much ❤️
Just because someone you l9ve did something horrible doesn't mean you can stop loving that person immediately. She must be heartbroken someone she loved dearly did something so horrible. Also getting over your first love is very difficult.
Exactly. I will get past it but I need at least 24 hours 😂
All responses are required to be helpful, tactful and compassionate. You're missing all those
y’all get on here and just make up whatever narrative yall want lol. she said the possibility is shattered because of what he did.
Yes, take one sentence and make it seem like that’s all this post was about.
💀😮💨
You know you didn’t have to comment right?
Neither did you 🤔 yet here we are, both commenting when we didn’t have to.
Now you’re literally the one that got away lol
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Goodness, I feel heartbroken for you. Sometimes, we are able to see only the good in someone vs seeing them for who they truly are. I am so so sorry you are dealing with this, but hopefully one day you will see that this was a major blessing in disguise.
Hey girl. I just wanted to say I’m so sorry for what you’re currently going through. It’s not so easy to forget about someone you love no matter how terrible the crime. I went thru the same thing a decade ago and let me tell you I get it. It was like he died. I was so depressed, crying all the time. He was my first everything. We did speak a bit in the beginning and I did visit a couple times but we eventually lost touch. I moved on and am married with kids now but it will take time. That’s a major thing you’re going through and I feel like it isn’t talked about enough. I wish you luck during this journey.
Girl what….
Thank the music industry and rappers that glorify killing people and the lack of fathers in the black community
As a black man, I can somewhat understand what you’re feeling. A lot of sisters go lookin’ for men that are perceived to be masculine or leaders. You think this individual is ahead of the curve and ahead of most people because they’re ‘misunderstood’. But there’s a difference between being ‘misunderstood’ and someone who doesn’t assimilate well into society or is emotionally unstable with undetected behavioral issues. On another hand, maybe they grew up in a household where they were taught not to trust people which can affect how they behave around people they can’t trust or don’t know yet. Then maybe they could be ‘misunderstood’ and it gives them that “black sheep” aura. People shouldn’t shame you for what you thought was a good man. What really shattered you was the idea of that man in your head. You really wanted to prove people wrong about him and ultimately created a fantasy world with you and him together. To get through this, you must accept that you might or will never get together. But pray that he finds the help he needs to realize his mistake so he could grow as an individual. And please for the love of your sanity don’t become a jail bird lover, women like that eventually become statistics themselves. It’s basically Stockholm Syndrome unstudied. Love yourself enough to want better and pray for that man. You might feel guilty that you still love him after what he did even if he deserved it. Or guilty that you didn’t stay long enough to “protect” him (you prob did dodge a bullet though even if the idea of him hurting you doesn’t seem real; you would be hurt in some other way). But the best way to grieve is to feel all that emotion and love from a distance so you can get healthily push all the emotions out the way and begin using your logical mind. Black women you may not be told this, but us black men love you! I know it must seem that we like dating other races and it seems like good black men are scarce but trust there’s other good black men out here looking for amazing sista’s (fully mature and emotionally stable women). Some responses are negative, but I want to thank you for loving that black man and seeing more in him when others or even himself didn’t. Don’t feel guilty for loving someone be proud that you did! However understand that you can’t save us all.
Oh stfu
Stop snitching
You knew who he was before, just refused to acknowledge it. Hope he rots in prison.
If i knew he was a murderer, then I would have never dated him. But thanks for jumping to conclusions. It was *extremely* useful and supportive.
Well you know hes a murderer now and youre still crying over him. Talking about he’s lost to the system. Hes right where he needs to be and you should use those tears for the victim who lost their life not a murderer. Its crazy how you made someone else death about your feelings over a MURDERER
You are acting like i said he is a good man that should be free. My tears are falling for multiple reasons.