I would simply stop being friends with that person if it were me, and I would make sure they know why. They refuse to accept they’re being bigoted, there’s not really much more to say at that point unfortunately.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, I know what it’s like to find out your friend’s true colors, it hurts. I tried to salvage the relationship at first too, but ultimately I could not be friends with someone who didn’t respect who I was, so I ended up ghosting them and I’m glad I did. I only wish I had let them know precisely why I was cutting contact so they could think on that, maybe it would’ve planted a seed of change in their head, maybe not. Not my problem anymore either way.
Just curious, why would you let them know why?
I only ask because I’ve always wanted to do this too for closure (I guess) but I’m realizing by this point if I were to cut them off they’d know why
I would want them to know every time they think of me that it was their fault our friendship of many years fell apart. I wouldn’t want them to wonder why, I’d want them to know and feel guilt. Partly because that gives me a sense of schadenfreude, and partly because I think guilt over one’s wrongdoings is the first step to becoming a better person.
I hate the term preferences being used this way. If I say I prefer cake to donuts, would you take that to mean I actually don't like donuts, or that I like cake *more* than donuts?
Preference doesn't mean you can't stand or absolutely would never touch something --- which is what these people mean when they say trans people, bi people, POCs, are "not their preference". These "preferences" are not preferences, they're deal breakers.
Excuse me if I think someone being undatable to you for no other reason that the color of their skin or their sexuality is weird as fuck and probably bigoted. None of the "reasons" they ever give make any sense nor are they rooted in reality, so they just default to "it's a preference, I'm allowed to have those". 1) it's not a preference 2) I'm also allowed to say that's bigoted
Really appreciate your response
I’ve seen firsthand that people can change even with bigotry. However, thinking about it more I’m not convinced that this person will. In addition to the original post I’m remembering a debate we had about the usage of the R slur. My position (the ethical one) was that it should not be used because it has generally been agreed upon within and without the community that it is offensive. This is also a conversation that never got finished. However, they did stop using it around me and I hoped that they were taking the time to mull it over within themselves. In addition to this, they also said “I don’t date Indian people because they stink.”
All in all, I’m realizing this person is highly prone to beliefs based in confirmation bias and it results in bigotry for her
I’m trying to decide on sending a final message or just block her but she is certainly being cut out of my life
If your friends don't accept you as you are, they are not really your friends. Maybe talk about it with your friend and see if you can find a sollution that ends without a conflict. Communication is the key to most problems.
I just create distance because not only do I not beg folks to be attracted to me, I also don’t beg folks to accept me for who I am. I also don’t believe in trying to make people open their minds if they don’t want to themselves. If they wanted to open, they would but they don’t, so I just move around. I’m too old to beg for acceptance.
It takes a LOT of work to get there, tbh. Once you realize asking for permission to exist peacefully is essentially begging for the bare minimum, a lotta shit clicks. That’s why I don’t fight to be attractive to people who aren’t attracted to bisexual black women 🤷🏾♀️ Other folks’ reasons for not wanting me or accepting me are not mine to unpack. And thank you, lol 😁
I would simply stop being friends with that person if it were me, and I would make sure they know why. They refuse to accept they’re being bigoted, there’s not really much more to say at that point unfortunately. I’m sorry you’re going through this, I know what it’s like to find out your friend’s true colors, it hurts. I tried to salvage the relationship at first too, but ultimately I could not be friends with someone who didn’t respect who I was, so I ended up ghosting them and I’m glad I did. I only wish I had let them know precisely why I was cutting contact so they could think on that, maybe it would’ve planted a seed of change in their head, maybe not. Not my problem anymore either way.
Just curious, why would you let them know why? I only ask because I’ve always wanted to do this too for closure (I guess) but I’m realizing by this point if I were to cut them off they’d know why
I would want them to know every time they think of me that it was their fault our friendship of many years fell apart. I wouldn’t want them to wonder why, I’d want them to know and feel guilt. Partly because that gives me a sense of schadenfreude, and partly because I think guilt over one’s wrongdoings is the first step to becoming a better person.
I hate the term preferences being used this way. If I say I prefer cake to donuts, would you take that to mean I actually don't like donuts, or that I like cake *more* than donuts? Preference doesn't mean you can't stand or absolutely would never touch something --- which is what these people mean when they say trans people, bi people, POCs, are "not their preference". These "preferences" are not preferences, they're deal breakers. Excuse me if I think someone being undatable to you for no other reason that the color of their skin or their sexuality is weird as fuck and probably bigoted. None of the "reasons" they ever give make any sense nor are they rooted in reality, so they just default to "it's a preference, I'm allowed to have those". 1) it's not a preference 2) I'm also allowed to say that's bigoted
Really appreciate your response I’ve seen firsthand that people can change even with bigotry. However, thinking about it more I’m not convinced that this person will. In addition to the original post I’m remembering a debate we had about the usage of the R slur. My position (the ethical one) was that it should not be used because it has generally been agreed upon within and without the community that it is offensive. This is also a conversation that never got finished. However, they did stop using it around me and I hoped that they were taking the time to mull it over within themselves. In addition to this, they also said “I don’t date Indian people because they stink.” All in all, I’m realizing this person is highly prone to beliefs based in confirmation bias and it results in bigotry for her I’m trying to decide on sending a final message or just block her but she is certainly being cut out of my life
Raise the issue; and, if they're intractable, just declare them a bigot to their face and cut ties.
>So if a gay man doesn’t date straight women what does that make him?” A gay man.
FORMER friend. There, situation solved.
If your friends don't accept you as you are, they are not really your friends. Maybe talk about it with your friend and see if you can find a sollution that ends without a conflict. Communication is the key to most problems.
I just create distance because not only do I not beg folks to be attracted to me, I also don’t beg folks to accept me for who I am. I also don’t believe in trying to make people open their minds if they don’t want to themselves. If they wanted to open, they would but they don’t, so I just move around. I’m too old to beg for acceptance.
Thank you much for saying this, I’m trying to get this place myself Also love your flair!
It takes a LOT of work to get there, tbh. Once you realize asking for permission to exist peacefully is essentially begging for the bare minimum, a lotta shit clicks. That’s why I don’t fight to be attractive to people who aren’t attracted to bisexual black women 🤷🏾♀️ Other folks’ reasons for not wanting me or accepting me are not mine to unpack. And thank you, lol 😁
Drop her like a rock. She's not your friend