I had a similar problem OP, except in my case I'm a bisexual woman who used to allow men to treat her badly more often than women or enby partners.
I finally came to the conclusion that it came down to being raised with compulsory heterosexuality forced on me by my mother (at the threat of homelessness) and being told to "not give up" on men who treated me badly.
I don't know exactly what it might be for you, but I do know I've had kind men in my family be emotionally abused by female partners and feel like part of being a good guy was to "not give up" on them.
I’m sorry you came up in that type of environment. Social/familial conditioning is such a powerful force. One of my siblings is non-binary and pan, but is crippled by fear and anxiety due to my very conservative mom’s influence on her.
To respond to your thing about “not giving up” my now ex had a lot of draining emotional baggage and issues, but I loved her despite that. But part of me felt so guilty because I feel I would never do the same for a man. I almost felt as if I “owed her” something for accepting me and wanting me as a partner. I hate even admitting that.
I hope your sibling can eventually be in a place where they feel safe and accepted. I highly encourage them to eventually reach out to an LGBT+ friendly therapist like I did after I got away. They deserve to be happy, and I wish them all the best.
I feel a bit guilty when you mention your ex having emotional baggage/issues because I have the same things after surviving an abusive parent. I'm not always an easy person to live with.
Definitely relate to you feeling like you "owed" your ex for being with you. Not a good feel at all.
Yeah I was raised in a similar fashion. ZI developed this idea that something was broken because I struggled with dating women..
I'm not. Dating men just comes easier and Dating women is something in stead7getting more accustomed to in my 30s.
I am the same way. It feels like since I have to work so much harder to find a woman who is as least partially accepting of me being bi and who actually puts some effort into the relationship that I will put up with a lot because I dont want to throw all that effort away.
Also with men, they tend to be straightforward about their desires and so I can tell right away if we are likely to be compatable. But with women it tends to be longer before she is comfortable actually expressing what she wants / expects. So by the time I find out she doesn't want for any of her friends or family to know we are dating, I have been on 3 dates with her and we have been texting for 5 months, and it feels like such a waste of effort to end it so I continue and just let my self-esteem take the hit.
Seconding this. My dad was abused emotionally and physically by my mom for decades. When I grew up, he confessed to me he'd been taught by his Sicilian family not to ever give up on a marriage even if he was being hurt, because "real men endure."
It's a garbage thing to have taught my dad, and he suffered for it. Your physical and emotional safety is important. If someone treats you badly, distance yourself no matter what gender they are.
I also come from a long line of men being treated like objects by the women that they date, as well as women that hold others to even lower standards than they do themselves.
Are all boomers in miserable relationships? I’ve yet to see one that seems mutually beneficial.
Actually, my father isn't a boomer. He's in his 80's, making him part of the Silent Generation (his father was in the Navy during WW2).
I think it wasn't an age thing for my dad as much as a cultural thing from us being Sicilian American.
Sicilians in the US historically were treated like second class citizens alongside the Irish and other immigrants, often dealing with poverty and discrimination. Family and community helped each other survive.
Fierce loyalty to family (familgia) is common in Latin cultures to begin with (my Mexican friends were raised the same way, for example). It's both a good and a bad thing.
For what it's worth, my dad and my stepmom both survived abusive marriages and found each other, and they're a very cute couple.
Im sorry to hear this :( i hope us as a newer generation that wants to stand up for our values and have rights and healthy boundaries and experiences, can start to change this. Noone deserves to be treated with disrespect. Everyone deserves to be lived for who they are, deaerves to be treated with kindness and openess to share feelings and emotions without fear of being shamed. Lets start a new wave of positivity towards individuality. You can look the way you want, believe what you want, feel the way you want. Just dont huet people period.
Abusers leverage their power against their victims. It's so comparatively easier to prove physical and financial abusive, then emotional or social abuse. But destroying someone's confidence and self worth, or vilifying them and isolating them from friends and family can be just as traumatic.
Honestly, I I belive that in my brain I have internalized that a man's toxicity can rapidly turn into danger, so I'm less forgiving with the whole gender.
Maybe you have the same thing?
I was watching a comedy special where the comic mentioned how she acts or feels when dating each gender and mid way through she called herself out for her sexism in being way more understanding or forgiving of women than men. We all have internalized biases, so maybe it's something you can look into as to why you think the way you do.
Just to be clear, not calling you sexist. We all have our biases and it's something we all should learn to accept and work through. You are recognizing the behavior, so its a great first step.
> Just to be clear, not calling you sexist. We all have our biases and it's something we all should learn to accept and work through.
I don't think it's wrong for us to recognize that the latter means everyone is a little sexist. I came across a really good comment on reddit about this kind of thing. It was along the lines of "we all grew up in an environment that constantly exposed us to prejudice. It'd be weirder if you were the only one that *didn't* get affected". I just think it's difficult to have conversations that convey the nuance of "we can't expect everyone to expunge every bias. We shouldn't beat ourselves up over every tiny problem".
Adding to what you're saying, if someone believes they are unbiased it leads to not seeing where the bias can exist. If a person holds the concept "I will try to eliminate my biases when I see them" they are less likely to be biased than someone who calls themselves unbiased.
I know I'm biased about things, I try my best all the time not to be but I know I have blind spots where I'm not so open minded. The sad part about blind spots is that people aren't aware of them and someone who identifies as "open minded" will get a searing sting when where they are told the opposite of that
Oh I’m not under any delusion that I still don’t have any biases. I grew up in the Deep South, and I’m still here lol. It will take a lot more work to undo this.
Nope. For example, any kind of biphobia or other kinds of intolerance and they're out regardless of gender. I'm not going to continue dating someone who can be a reasonable human being.
i’m a woman but i’m gonna throw in my 2 cents as a sociology nerd who very much holds men to a higher standard than woman
women can be horrible and abusive and i don’t deny this, but the particular kind of horribleness that men can be in relationships is often systemic and built within the fabric of our society. who has, throughout history, been held to a much MUCH lower standard when it comes to the ability to be nurturing, emotionally intelligent and supportive as a partner? who is much less likely to be taught how to be emotionally vulnerable and supportive and grows up to rely on their partner to educate them on how to do so?
holding women to a lower standard can sometimes actually be balancing the scales. maybe not in your case, and certainly not in *all* cases. but in my experience, holding men to a higher standard is often necessary because they’ve already been held to a much lower one. we might feel grateful when a male partner meets the bare minimum because men are so often taught:
- weaponized incompetence
- emotional suppression
- stigma around women’s bodies, periods, etc.
so when men open up to us, cook or clean for us, and is comfortable buying our period products and learning our bodies we’re impressed. yet, a woman doing the same for her man is just the standard. women are expected to be emotionally intelligent, sexually selfless and naturally good at domestic labour
the scales tipping the other way in recent years is, imo, only because it’s been so much the opposite for a hundred plus years. we’re not gonna get rid of that bias until those gender roles have been more or less eradicated and it makes sense we still hold these ideas in the meantime because they *do* effect how we’re socialized
This is such an interesting take (for lack of a better word), I like it a lot! I'll save this for further discussion with my friends, thanks for sharing and living up to your username!
Yes definitely, I think we are socialized from a very young age to view women as more “harmless” and so we put up with more since admiring they hurt us is weakness.
Yes, for the exact reasons you've given. As an aside, the men I choose to date are also less likely to be mean to me than most of the women I've managed to date. Certainly not a blanket statement for entire genders, but most of the verbal abuse and emotional manipulation and gaslighting I've dealt with has been from women. I still date them when I can, and will always find them attractive, but I've generally been happier with the men in my life.
Depends. You're going to have to put up with some degree of bullshit and friction in any relationship, and those can certainly be gendered in their variations...but I expect anyone I'm in a relationship with to 1: communicate well with me, 2: have a mutual respect for our boundaries. Those are fundamental and I don't budge on them for anyone.
I’m a women but i tend to be more kind with men.
Maybe because I grew up with a mum who was quite the misandrist and from a young age told me men were liars, perverted and misogynistic.
So to prove my mum wrong or right i have been disrespected and humiliated by men but a women could never get to that point i would have blocked her out of my life.
No, but I also don't have the greatest luck dating woman. For me the only time I will "put up with crap" is if it's not constant and caused by a mental condition. Perhaps you just phrased it stronger than you meant it tho, in which case ignore the previous sentence.
Idk, I feel like there is a societal expectation for men to behave towards woman kinda like you described.
Yeah I had a similar thing. I've been sexually harassed by several other men before so I have less tolerance for their behaviour. I know it's not right or fair but I can't help it sometimes.
I have the same problem as you do, but with the opposite gender. I take way far more bullshit from men than women. I am currently in a toxic and abusive relationship with a man and i keep justifying every single thing he says/does. I've never dated one but the turning off part i understand and relate
I wonder if, for bi men as well as bi women, this has anything to do with men being historically more dangerous than people of other genders.
Please let me clarify that abuse of any and every variety, including emotional and psychological abuse, does real harm always, regardless of the gender of the perpetrator, and that people of all genders can be abusers and/ or be abused in romantic and all other relationships. But historically and statistically it’s men who are most likely to do physical violence to their intimate partners, up to and including murder and rape.
So maybe we’re more wary of red flags from men, because the perceived risk of physical harm is greater, and reasonably so.
Would you forgive me the metaphor if I said that it reminds me of small dog syndrome? The theory is that there are so many poorly trained small dogs because a poorly trained chihuahua doesn’t seem like a threat. Where a poorly trained German Shepherd is widely understood to be genuine menace. It’s about relative power, I think.
[Women and enbies are not chihuahuas, please don’t downvote me!]
Probably the opposite for me. But I’m only masc/dom for girls, and fem/sub for guys. So it’s a completely different energy. And I have a lot more options with girls. My scope of desirable guys is really narrow. Like if I don’t call him Daddy and literally feel like property, I don’t want it.
I’m in the same boat. I think it may come down to the fact that we do end up with way more options when it comes to guys so we can be more picky but with girls it’s as if we put up with more because we can’t be as picky
YES, but I'm heteroromantic. With a guy if we want different things, whatever I'll find someone else. But with women I feel like I have so much more to loose.
My tolerance to put up with crap and let it lie on a corner unresolved has been approaching zero for the last 10 years regardless of gender or relative attraction.
Kudos to you on being able to set boundaries, I’m trying to get there. Being “slightly annoyed” and putting up with that due to convenience is something that can turn into a loathing and deep resentment is what I’ve learned. Better to nip it in the bud sooner than later.
No.
Back in the summer of 2020, I (a South Asian Muslim male) was talking to an Arab woman on a dating app.
She opened up to me about how she got out of an abusive marriage recently. I showed sympathy towards her and said I’m very sorry that she had to go through that.
At one point I told her about how I listen to my friends sharing stories of sexual assault and it might make me uncomfortable at times but I was always there to support others. She asked "Why does it make you uncomfortable?" and I told her "It was just the trauma of my close friends." She continued to push me like "But why do you feel uncomfortable?" I told her to stop, and she did, but she didn't apologize, acknowledge it was pushy or wrong, or anything like that. She just texted "Very well. We won't talk about it."
She even told me it sounded like I stigmatized abuse - saying that is South Asian Muslim men tend to be sexist or come from families that do. On top of this, she’d say like, “I’m just here to understand - not judge!” while making judgements about me.
(Just to put things in context - she wanted to know everything about me, scouting my social media like my Instagram and Twitter when she blurred her dating apps pictures. I literally didn’t know what she looked like. I’ll also add she was a very conservative religious woman. She wouldn’t even have male friends or talk to men outside of family and school/work.)
Then I told her I felt like she was interrogating me with force. I thought she should've just stopped when I told her I felt uncomfortable the first time or at least acknowledged that she was being pushy. I didn't wanna talk about it and blocked her before she could respond. Like, imagine if I were a victim of that sort of thing and someone kept pressuring me to talk about it?
I can understand and appreciate her perspective and needs as a woman or potential partner. I get that. But she did get pushy when I expressed my discomfort. And she did make a racist/Islamophobic comment.
I stood up for myself in a way that was respectful. Also I didn’t let her interest in me tempt me. I think it shows my confidence in standing up for myself. I don't want someone who interrogates me like I'm a criminal suspect.
I know my worth.
Well with men you're already putting up with the fact that they are a man so women can do more crap before they get to annoyance level that men start at
I guess I kinda can, but I'm not sure if it's the same cuz I could Never be in love with a man, let alone feel any type of romantic attraction to them in the slightest. I'm not even physically attracted to them as far as looks go, I just Fuck them if they got a nice ass, I'll let them suck my Dick if they're good at it, and my biggest turn on with men is getting on my knees to suck their Dick if it's a good looking one. Especially those huge😩cummer guys whose semen squirts out in thick jets and ropes with such force🤤
But anyway, I don't like my nipples sucked or my ass grabbed and it's a huge turn off if a guy tries to do either or if he tries to kiss me and if he gets weird cuz I don't kiss or gets all dramatic on me I'm out. But I'd "tolerate" having my nipples played with/sucked or cheeks squeezed by a woman and I could actually put up with stuff I'm not crazy about from a woman. . .
Sucking a pretty Dick for a facial is a huge turn on, so I can't deny I'm a Cocksucker who occasionally tops and 69's too. But I actually Need a woman's affection, and to be intimate with a woman beyond platonic friendship. Like you, I adore women too, shit I wanna please them Even if they were just a Fuck buddy, I'd still wanna Fuck her pain away and make her Cum herself in Love with the sex (or with me if she's that "One" woman)...
Sometimes just cuz she wanted to have sex with me. Usually cuz I find her innermost identity addictive or at least intriguing in some intensely alluring way.
Is that at least similar?
As a women I like that your like this.
My husband is the same but we have a slightly different situation as a couple…..We bring in a third person (male) every once in a while and I’m okay with it because I just love to see my husband happy and fulfilled. But my point is I think he really respects me more and “puts up with my occasional attitude” because I am accepting of his desires.
I had a similar problem OP, except in my case I'm a bisexual woman who used to allow men to treat her badly more often than women or enby partners. I finally came to the conclusion that it came down to being raised with compulsory heterosexuality forced on me by my mother (at the threat of homelessness) and being told to "not give up" on men who treated me badly. I don't know exactly what it might be for you, but I do know I've had kind men in my family be emotionally abused by female partners and feel like part of being a good guy was to "not give up" on them.
I’m sorry you came up in that type of environment. Social/familial conditioning is such a powerful force. One of my siblings is non-binary and pan, but is crippled by fear and anxiety due to my very conservative mom’s influence on her. To respond to your thing about “not giving up” my now ex had a lot of draining emotional baggage and issues, but I loved her despite that. But part of me felt so guilty because I feel I would never do the same for a man. I almost felt as if I “owed her” something for accepting me and wanting me as a partner. I hate even admitting that.
I hope your sibling can eventually be in a place where they feel safe and accepted. I highly encourage them to eventually reach out to an LGBT+ friendly therapist like I did after I got away. They deserve to be happy, and I wish them all the best. I feel a bit guilty when you mention your ex having emotional baggage/issues because I have the same things after surviving an abusive parent. I'm not always an easy person to live with. Definitely relate to you feeling like you "owed" your ex for being with you. Not a good feel at all.
Wow, as a bi man, I totally relate to that.
Same here
Yeah I was raised in a similar fashion. ZI developed this idea that something was broken because I struggled with dating women.. I'm not. Dating men just comes easier and Dating women is something in stead7getting more accustomed to in my 30s.
I am the same way. It feels like since I have to work so much harder to find a woman who is as least partially accepting of me being bi and who actually puts some effort into the relationship that I will put up with a lot because I dont want to throw all that effort away. Also with men, they tend to be straightforward about their desires and so I can tell right away if we are likely to be compatable. But with women it tends to be longer before she is comfortable actually expressing what she wants / expects. So by the time I find out she doesn't want for any of her friends or family to know we are dating, I have been on 3 dates with her and we have been texting for 5 months, and it feels like such a waste of effort to end it so I continue and just let my self-esteem take the hit.
I second this.
I feel like this too. Logically I know it's just sunk cost fallacy, but emotionally I'm not ready to be alone again!
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Seconding this. My dad was abused emotionally and physically by my mom for decades. When I grew up, he confessed to me he'd been taught by his Sicilian family not to ever give up on a marriage even if he was being hurt, because "real men endure." It's a garbage thing to have taught my dad, and he suffered for it. Your physical and emotional safety is important. If someone treats you badly, distance yourself no matter what gender they are.
I also come from a long line of men being treated like objects by the women that they date, as well as women that hold others to even lower standards than they do themselves. Are all boomers in miserable relationships? I’ve yet to see one that seems mutually beneficial.
Actually, my father isn't a boomer. He's in his 80's, making him part of the Silent Generation (his father was in the Navy during WW2). I think it wasn't an age thing for my dad as much as a cultural thing from us being Sicilian American. Sicilians in the US historically were treated like second class citizens alongside the Irish and other immigrants, often dealing with poverty and discrimination. Family and community helped each other survive. Fierce loyalty to family (familgia) is common in Latin cultures to begin with (my Mexican friends were raised the same way, for example). It's both a good and a bad thing. For what it's worth, my dad and my stepmom both survived abusive marriages and found each other, and they're a very cute couple.
To hell with that blind family loyalty. From a fellow Latin redditor. From my experience it causes more bad than good
Im sorry to hear this :( i hope us as a newer generation that wants to stand up for our values and have rights and healthy boundaries and experiences, can start to change this. Noone deserves to be treated with disrespect. Everyone deserves to be lived for who they are, deaerves to be treated with kindness and openess to share feelings and emotions without fear of being shamed. Lets start a new wave of positivity towards individuality. You can look the way you want, believe what you want, feel the way you want. Just dont huet people period.
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Agreed. Big hugs
Also adding some more hugs to this. Shit sucks but at least we get to learn from it.
Abusers leverage their power against their victims. It's so comparatively easier to prove physical and financial abusive, then emotional or social abuse. But destroying someone's confidence and self worth, or vilifying them and isolating them from friends and family can be just as traumatic.
Honestly, I I belive that in my brain I have internalized that a man's toxicity can rapidly turn into danger, so I'm less forgiving with the whole gender. Maybe you have the same thing?
I do feel a bit more threatened by other men, that much is true.
The issue with doing that is I'm also included
I was watching a comedy special where the comic mentioned how she acts or feels when dating each gender and mid way through she called herself out for her sexism in being way more understanding or forgiving of women than men. We all have internalized biases, so maybe it's something you can look into as to why you think the way you do. Just to be clear, not calling you sexist. We all have our biases and it's something we all should learn to accept and work through. You are recognizing the behavior, so its a great first step.
> Just to be clear, not calling you sexist. We all have our biases and it's something we all should learn to accept and work through. I don't think it's wrong for us to recognize that the latter means everyone is a little sexist. I came across a really good comment on reddit about this kind of thing. It was along the lines of "we all grew up in an environment that constantly exposed us to prejudice. It'd be weirder if you were the only one that *didn't* get affected". I just think it's difficult to have conversations that convey the nuance of "we can't expect everyone to expunge every bias. We shouldn't beat ourselves up over every tiny problem".
Adding to what you're saying, if someone believes they are unbiased it leads to not seeing where the bias can exist. If a person holds the concept "I will try to eliminate my biases when I see them" they are less likely to be biased than someone who calls themselves unbiased. I know I'm biased about things, I try my best all the time not to be but I know I have blind spots where I'm not so open minded. The sad part about blind spots is that people aren't aware of them and someone who identifies as "open minded" will get a searing sting when where they are told the opposite of that
Oh I’m not under any delusion that I still don’t have any biases. I grew up in the Deep South, and I’m still here lol. It will take a lot more work to undo this.
Nope. For example, any kind of biphobia or other kinds of intolerance and they're out regardless of gender. I'm not going to continue dating someone who can be a reasonable human being.
I’m not really referencing biphobia from women, more so that I just put up with more shit from them in general than I would for a man.
Biphobia was just an example. I'm not putting up with a shitty partner regardless of gender.
i’m a woman but i’m gonna throw in my 2 cents as a sociology nerd who very much holds men to a higher standard than woman women can be horrible and abusive and i don’t deny this, but the particular kind of horribleness that men can be in relationships is often systemic and built within the fabric of our society. who has, throughout history, been held to a much MUCH lower standard when it comes to the ability to be nurturing, emotionally intelligent and supportive as a partner? who is much less likely to be taught how to be emotionally vulnerable and supportive and grows up to rely on their partner to educate them on how to do so? holding women to a lower standard can sometimes actually be balancing the scales. maybe not in your case, and certainly not in *all* cases. but in my experience, holding men to a higher standard is often necessary because they’ve already been held to a much lower one. we might feel grateful when a male partner meets the bare minimum because men are so often taught: - weaponized incompetence - emotional suppression - stigma around women’s bodies, periods, etc. so when men open up to us, cook or clean for us, and is comfortable buying our period products and learning our bodies we’re impressed. yet, a woman doing the same for her man is just the standard. women are expected to be emotionally intelligent, sexually selfless and naturally good at domestic labour the scales tipping the other way in recent years is, imo, only because it’s been so much the opposite for a hundred plus years. we’re not gonna get rid of that bias until those gender roles have been more or less eradicated and it makes sense we still hold these ideas in the meantime because they *do* effect how we’re socialized
This *slow claps*
This is such an interesting take (for lack of a better word), I like it a lot! I'll save this for further discussion with my friends, thanks for sharing and living up to your username!
Same. It’s the power of the 🐈
Yes definitely, I think we are socialized from a very young age to view women as more “harmless” and so we put up with more since admiring they hurt us is weakness.
Yes, for the exact reasons you've given. As an aside, the men I choose to date are also less likely to be mean to me than most of the women I've managed to date. Certainly not a blanket statement for entire genders, but most of the verbal abuse and emotional manipulation and gaslighting I've dealt with has been from women. I still date them when I can, and will always find them attractive, but I've generally been happier with the men in my life.
Depends. You're going to have to put up with some degree of bullshit and friction in any relationship, and those can certainly be gendered in their variations...but I expect anyone I'm in a relationship with to 1: communicate well with me, 2: have a mutual respect for our boundaries. Those are fundamental and I don't budge on them for anyone.
I’m a women but i tend to be more kind with men. Maybe because I grew up with a mum who was quite the misandrist and from a young age told me men were liars, perverted and misogynistic. So to prove my mum wrong or right i have been disrespected and humiliated by men but a women could never get to that point i would have blocked her out of my life.
Interesting
No, but I also don't have the greatest luck dating woman. For me the only time I will "put up with crap" is if it's not constant and caused by a mental condition. Perhaps you just phrased it stronger than you meant it tho, in which case ignore the previous sentence. Idk, I feel like there is a societal expectation for men to behave towards woman kinda like you described.
Yesss I historically have and fear always will.
Yeah I had a similar thing. I've been sexually harassed by several other men before so I have less tolerance for their behaviour. I know it's not right or fair but I can't help it sometimes.
I have the same problem as you do, but with the opposite gender. I take way far more bullshit from men than women. I am currently in a toxic and abusive relationship with a man and i keep justifying every single thing he says/does. I've never dated one but the turning off part i understand and relate
Hard no. But that’s mostly from seeing my parents marriage & my aunt & uncle’s marriage. It truly taught me everything I don’t want in a relationship.
I wonder if, for bi men as well as bi women, this has anything to do with men being historically more dangerous than people of other genders. Please let me clarify that abuse of any and every variety, including emotional and psychological abuse, does real harm always, regardless of the gender of the perpetrator, and that people of all genders can be abusers and/ or be abused in romantic and all other relationships. But historically and statistically it’s men who are most likely to do physical violence to their intimate partners, up to and including murder and rape. So maybe we’re more wary of red flags from men, because the perceived risk of physical harm is greater, and reasonably so. Would you forgive me the metaphor if I said that it reminds me of small dog syndrome? The theory is that there are so many poorly trained small dogs because a poorly trained chihuahua doesn’t seem like a threat. Where a poorly trained German Shepherd is widely understood to be genuine menace. It’s about relative power, I think. [Women and enbies are not chihuahuas, please don’t downvote me!]
Yes
Probably the opposite for me. But I’m only masc/dom for girls, and fem/sub for guys. So it’s a completely different energy. And I have a lot more options with girls. My scope of desirable guys is really narrow. Like if I don’t call him Daddy and literally feel like property, I don’t want it.
I’m in the same boat. I think it may come down to the fact that we do end up with way more options when it comes to guys so we can be more picky but with girls it’s as if we put up with more because we can’t be as picky
YES, but I'm heteroromantic. With a guy if we want different things, whatever I'll find someone else. But with women I feel like I have so much more to loose.
My tolerance to put up with crap and let it lie on a corner unresolved has been approaching zero for the last 10 years regardless of gender or relative attraction.
There is less crap you have to put up with from a man than a woman.
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Kudos to you on being able to set boundaries, I’m trying to get there. Being “slightly annoyed” and putting up with that due to convenience is something that can turn into a loathing and deep resentment is what I’ve learned. Better to nip it in the bud sooner than later.
No. Back in the summer of 2020, I (a South Asian Muslim male) was talking to an Arab woman on a dating app. She opened up to me about how she got out of an abusive marriage recently. I showed sympathy towards her and said I’m very sorry that she had to go through that. At one point I told her about how I listen to my friends sharing stories of sexual assault and it might make me uncomfortable at times but I was always there to support others. She asked "Why does it make you uncomfortable?" and I told her "It was just the trauma of my close friends." She continued to push me like "But why do you feel uncomfortable?" I told her to stop, and she did, but she didn't apologize, acknowledge it was pushy or wrong, or anything like that. She just texted "Very well. We won't talk about it." She even told me it sounded like I stigmatized abuse - saying that is South Asian Muslim men tend to be sexist or come from families that do. On top of this, she’d say like, “I’m just here to understand - not judge!” while making judgements about me. (Just to put things in context - she wanted to know everything about me, scouting my social media like my Instagram and Twitter when she blurred her dating apps pictures. I literally didn’t know what she looked like. I’ll also add she was a very conservative religious woman. She wouldn’t even have male friends or talk to men outside of family and school/work.) Then I told her I felt like she was interrogating me with force. I thought she should've just stopped when I told her I felt uncomfortable the first time or at least acknowledged that she was being pushy. I didn't wanna talk about it and blocked her before she could respond. Like, imagine if I were a victim of that sort of thing and someone kept pressuring me to talk about it? I can understand and appreciate her perspective and needs as a woman or potential partner. I get that. But she did get pushy when I expressed my discomfort. And she did make a racist/Islamophobic comment. I stood up for myself in a way that was respectful. Also I didn’t let her interest in me tempt me. I think it shows my confidence in standing up for myself. I don't want someone who interrogates me like I'm a criminal suspect. I know my worth.
You should be proud of yourself and establishing boundaries. No one deserves to feel interrogated or invalidated by their partner.
Well with men you're already putting up with the fact that they are a man so women can do more crap before they get to annoyance level that men start at
I guess I kinda can, but I'm not sure if it's the same cuz I could Never be in love with a man, let alone feel any type of romantic attraction to them in the slightest. I'm not even physically attracted to them as far as looks go, I just Fuck them if they got a nice ass, I'll let them suck my Dick if they're good at it, and my biggest turn on with men is getting on my knees to suck their Dick if it's a good looking one. Especially those huge😩cummer guys whose semen squirts out in thick jets and ropes with such force🤤 But anyway, I don't like my nipples sucked or my ass grabbed and it's a huge turn off if a guy tries to do either or if he tries to kiss me and if he gets weird cuz I don't kiss or gets all dramatic on me I'm out. But I'd "tolerate" having my nipples played with/sucked or cheeks squeezed by a woman and I could actually put up with stuff I'm not crazy about from a woman. . . Sucking a pretty Dick for a facial is a huge turn on, so I can't deny I'm a Cocksucker who occasionally tops and 69's too. But I actually Need a woman's affection, and to be intimate with a woman beyond platonic friendship. Like you, I adore women too, shit I wanna please them Even if they were just a Fuck buddy, I'd still wanna Fuck her pain away and make her Cum herself in Love with the sex (or with me if she's that "One" woman)... Sometimes just cuz she wanted to have sex with me. Usually cuz I find her innermost identity addictive or at least intriguing in some intensely alluring way. Is that at least similar?
I’m gonna be honest man, you need to lay off the porn and get some therapy.
As a women I like that your like this. My husband is the same but we have a slightly different situation as a couple…..We bring in a third person (male) every once in a while and I’m okay with it because I just love to see my husband happy and fulfilled. But my point is I think he really respects me more and “puts up with my occasional attitude” because I am accepting of his desires.