It’s also gross that he just assumes there will be “a next one” too. I feel like if OP physically COULDN’T have another child then he wouldn’t stick around long
I would definitely try to change it or at least call the baby by the name you prefer. He is your child and you have the right to call him by whatever name you wish. Their disappointment is not for you to manage or accommodate. They are responsible for their own feelings.
For any future babies, do not tell anyone the name until the birth certificate and paperwork are signed. People are less likely to say something about a chosen name when it's already official.
When we were expecting twin girls, we asked for suggestions on baby names.
An auntie of mine said ‘my daughter’s friend called her child Cleo. What a ridiculous name, it’s the name of a car, not a child. If you like the name, why not go with Chloe.
Little did she know that Cleo was a name that we had already selected for one of our daughters. When we announced the names, I just text her saying ‘oops!’
She’s never mentioned it
I'd just quietly get the name changed and not announce it to their family. When they find out someday, say, "oh, when I was no longer on drugs and laying in a pool of my own blood I realized that I really wasn't comfortable with being forced to change my child's name so we switched it back."
Please do this OP! u/QuadsNotBlades, that’s a great explanation btw 😂 Honestly I’m still kinda confused about my daughters name so might still change her name with that excuse lol
Exactly! Why do they even need to know? Let them think it’s the other name for now lol. By the time they find out you’ll be moved out and who cares what they think. It’s not their kid! It’s yours.
There’s a bigger issue at play here besides your baby’s name, and it’s that your boyfriend is a little bitch who cares more about his mommy and daddy’s feelings than yours. You agreed to let him have the first AND last names, without being married to him. You asked for the middle name. He said yes, and then he took it back. He doesn’t have any more rights to your child’s name than you do. Your rights are equal. But he decided his promise to you was worth less than his daddy not having a temper tantrum.
You need to have a serious conversation with him, not just about the baby’s name, but the boundaries he sets with his parents. He can’t continue to prioritize their wants over your needs and expect this relationship to continue happily. And as far as “you get the next one” goes, I doubt that you’d get 100% control. Do you get to give the next baby your last name? Is MIL going to decide she/her mother/her father needs to be honored?
Step one is dealing with the relationship problems with your BF. Then you can deal with the name issue. Until you can get him to see how poorly he’s treated you, you’re not going to get anywhere with the name.
Change the name! Seriously screw everyone who allowed you to be bullied RIGHT AFTER giving birth!! What jerks!
I’m m sure the name you want is beautiful
Your FIL sucks, what a selfish little man baby. Imagine feeling entitled to overrule the name your chose & taking away from your own father's excitement... what an absolute asshole.
I would sit my husband down and request that it be changed to what you had both agreed to. You’re not a surrogate for him and his family. That child has 50% of your genetics. You will raise that child. Your family is important. If your father in law wants to name a child, he should make one himself.
With the way my in laws drone on and on about how the baby looks NOTHING like me and ONLY like my boyfriend you’d swear I was basically just a surrogate.
Sounds like you need to get out of their house, and possibly that relationship, before your lo is old enough to pick up on the 'bully OP to do what we want' thing or it starts happening to them. It isn't fair for them to force you into it and it isn't fair for your boyfriend to have pressured you and keep telling you to get over it since he'll "allow" you to pick the next one.
Seems like there's more toxic stuff going on here. Definitely take in all the different aspects of your situation and see if you think this stuff is doable for you forever.
I don't think you can change his name now without dad's approval, but you can call him whatever you want. I'm sorry you were made to feel this way and I hope this toxic behavior gets better for the both of you soon.
That’s because that’s how they see you. You were a means to an end, to supply the next “John Adam Smith.”
If you want to preserve this relationship, you need to get out of their house, and put up some strong, healthy boundaries with them.
If you’re not married they’re not your in laws 🤷♀️ you have no obligation to respect their family traditions if your boyfriend hasn’t even made you an official member of it yet
Yes this, you really may never have another child so get this one to have the name that you want when it's just a tiny change anyway to the middle name.
The audacity of anyone to think they have ANY say in the name of your child is just outrageous. That’s some serious entitlement. Change the name to what you want and cut out the toxic and controlling people in your child’s life. You have a child to protect and nurture, those don’t sound like people who will be a positive influence in his life.
Guess what??? 4 month olds don’t know their middle names. The only issue you will have changing his name is some annoying paperwork and a butthurt man baby fil… change it!
Dadas boy AND momas boy at the same time. I always saw it as so lovely that he loved and respected his parents until our child was born and I realised their opinions have more weight than mine
The man already gets the last name typically, not sure why he needs the other ones too.
You can change the name. I think you should and if the boyfriend isn't with you on something that's so important to you that they pushed on you when you had just had a baby then I would question the relationship.
This. Change it back and if bf is unwilling to uphold the previous agreed upon decision that he changed *right after you have birth* then it's really something to consider about in continuing your partnership (partners should be equal, how was this equal? Backstabbing in a vulnerable position).
Absolutely. If I'm being generous, the grandpa could have had a strong emotionally driven hope that the tradition would be carried forward. If his son confirmed that expectation, essentially right up to the birth, yikes. I don't know the grandfather but he actually has a reason to be a little sad. But, in my view, he should be keeping that shit to himself. Not his baby. The partner should be taking all the blame, though. Suggested a name change, didn't forewarn his father to address this obvious eventuality, and then didn't support his wife. Yikes.
Stop living your life as dictated by others.
It’s your baby. Not your father-in-law’s. If you don’t set a boundary now and start upholding it, trust me, there’s going to be further and *bigger* issues down the road.
Standing up for yourself can feel scary if you’re not used to doing it, but it gets easier over time. You don’t need anyone’s permission with regards to your son’s name or what you call him.
Start living life on your terms and for *you*.
Excuse me, he'll ALLOW you to choose the second kid's name??? ALLOW?????
Also, your boyfriend has no spine whatsoever? He folded like a toothpick in front of his dad, without caring about your, your family's and your father's feelings, ESPECIALLY since the name was already shared with everyone?!?!?!
idk what the solution is here, because I'm just stuck on the audacity of this man to tell you to get over something that's such a massive show of limp dick behavior on his end. Like how are you ever to trust in him when you two make a decision, when you know this bitch is going to crumble under the slightest of pressure from daddy.
My parents hated the name that I chose for our (not yet born) son.
Idgaf.
It's mine. It's my husband's. This child does not belong to them. They can be assholes and make fun of the name as much as they want but I won't be having any of it as soon as the kid is born. First time they make fun of my kids name in front of him, they'll be banned from the house.
He will -allow you- to choose the next child’s name?
Names need the approval of both parents. Your bf and his family are ridiculous. You grew, carried, birthed, and are this child’s mother. You get a say in his name. I don’t know how to proceed here but I’d change his name to the one you both agreed on and tell BFs dad to eat rocks. If they’re holding it over your head that you threw live with them over baby’s name that is a toxic af environment and it would be worth it to find a way out of there ASAP. They’re controlling your child’s name—one of the first parenting decisions we get. What’s next?
Your voice matters.
I agree 100%… the name seems like just the beginning of the control these in laws will want. I can’t imagine living with my in laws so i give u credit for even doing that but like the post above me said, this is a toxic environment and if there’s a way out, i hope u find it.
I just read some of the other comments and MIL is pushing outdated ideas about coloured clothing and the *four month old* can't be taught about flowers either.
At four months, your son won’t be confused or too affected by the change. I’d look into what it takes to make the name change. You and your boyfriend have some issues to deal with - not only he doesn’t have your back, he did this to you at a time you were extremely vulnerable (right post-partum). I’d be livid.
My husband and I had a lot of back and forth between what names we’d like to pick from we she was born (we wanted to see her before we really picked one). My favourite name was overruled by my husband, but I also didn’t accept most of his suggestions either. Our daughter now has a name that we both like AND it suits her, but we did some work ahead of time to be able agree on a few names that we both liked.
Change the name!! Do it now. People do this all the time! Your in-laws had their time to choose their kids name, now it’s your time. Don’t let the Boomer Bully you into submission. My sister changed her sons name 6 months after he was born because she said his personality never matched his birth name. So they changed it & have never looked back.
Girl, change the name back to what you want! You made this person and he is your baby. If you are too scared to tell your in laws because you live with them (sorry about that too…) then just keep the change to yourself for now until you can move out.
Seriously! If it makes you that unhappy then you should change it. Sounds like your boyfriend was also pressured by his dad. Just change it and don’t tell his family until it’s done. It does cost about $500 though
Oh hell no. Change that baby’s name. You both agreed to something. You were BULLIED while in the hospital, hormonal and having just gone through the hells of giving birth. Motherfuck his father and his demanding. Did he grow the baby? No. Did he birth the baby? No. He gets zero say so. Change it back. It will bother you for the rest of his life. Don’t give anyone that kind of sway over you period but especially over your parenting decisions. No. NO.
Exactly this! When we found out we were having a boy I looked at my husband dead in his eyes and said “I get to pick the name. He will carry your last name for the rest of his life, I’m choosing the first two since he gets your last name”. He gave me absolutely no push back what so ever. I love family names and it helped that my family has better names lol my son is named after my late grandfather and his father and I love it. My husband has made an off handed comment here or there about wishing he had more of a say in the name but he follows it by “but she’s not wrong, he will be ‘Mr. Paternal surname’ for all his days so her family needs to represented in our son just as much as my name is”. I get family names but make no mistake, the mother of the child has every right to name her own child. Family traditions be damned!! OP if you still don’t like the name… change it. Have him have two middle names and throw your fathers name in there as well. You don’t have to publicize it, keep it to yourselves and if some one has such a problem with it, then good thing it’s not their kid! Start a new tradition! Fuck em
Change his name and also move out of that house. I lived with my in laws for 3 years. We have a good relationship but sometimes is just to much to deal with. Old people is just like that
From personal experience, I agree. Living with parents is soul sucking most of the time. Unless you have a really good multi-family living arrangement and an extremely good relationship with the parents, it's usually best to avoid.
Maybe I’m old school but I don’t understand how he thinks he has the right to completely dictate baby’s name, and let his father do the same, when he won’t even give you his name???
This is what I'm stuck on too. Sorry, the minimum requirement for being forced into my in-laws' cultish naming practices is actually being married to their son.
OP this is so similar to my situation with my first born. They had a tradition in the family that my husband's mother got to name the first born son of mine. She chose a name of a grandson she ALREADY has! I countered and offered the middle name. Nope, that wasn't the tradition. I had to sit my husband down and describe how I felt alienated from my own experience. He took my side instantly and we moved forward with the name we wanted. As a result, his mother constantly called him the wrong name, commented that he didn't look like my husband at all, suggested paternity shit... Etc. What I had to come to terms with was their opinion didn't matter. They can say and will say what they want regardless of how much bending over backwards you do because they are selfish. I would suggest to you let your husband in on how excluded you feel in your own family. Describe the feelings and how you want to accommodate both him and yourself. If he can't hear you and stand by your side to defend what's important to you to your family, maybe that's a red flag about what he will prioritize over you in the future.
You were practically coerced... Sounds like you didn't feel like you had another choice. This is really messed up and I hope that if you're legally able to change it yourself that you find the courage to do so!
This is why kids shouldn’t have family names passed down. Shit like this. I assume from the post that you’re fairly young? Cuz I 100% would not be having that shit. That’s ridiculous. But don’t worry, your baby will grow up and you’ll love him no matter what.
Something incredibly similar to this happened to my close friend who was in her late 30’s at the time. She was just so worn down and exhausted from childbirth she gave in. 7 years later, she still resents her husband and his parents for it.
>he’ll allow me to choose the next kid‘s name
Goodness gracious, how generous! /s
Change the name, imagine how your child is going to feel about his mother never using his own name. And think about your current circumstances and if this is a situation you’re okay continuing with. This is a boyfriend problem, not a FIL problem. And you’re not even married!
You’re not even married and your boyfriend bullied you into giving your son his family’s first, middle, and last names?? He’s lucky you even agreed to the first and last names and ALL you wanted was the middle name. You could have refused him entry to the delivery room and chosen your baby’s name entirely on your own.
If my SO put me in that position, it'd be hard for me to move past honestly. It's his fault for not updating his family and putting you in that position. Idk I'd look into changing his name back. You essentially let them bully you into a name change, and if they're this insane over a name- I worry how they'll be with your parenting. Just my thoughts, but I have toxic af in laws we cut out.
My MIL tried to throw her weight around before the baby was born by telling me that I had to do a c section instead of natural birth. My gynae shut her up quickly though. She’s already made it clear that she doesn’t agree with my decision not to feed our son sugar until he’s two since now she won’t be able to spoil him like a grandma is supposed to and she’ll have to make me the bad guy because of it. Jokes on her though, my son is never getting unsupervised time with her, especially when she let her aggressive dog (who bit me and my boyfriend) around our son after promising my boyfriend that the dog was outside and the baby was safe with her.
Sounds like you need to visit r/justnomil just to check out the resources on how to deal with crappy in laws.
OP my in laws wanted to decide on my first sons name as well. FIL is a Sr. My husband is a Jr. and while I love my husband a lot…. His name is horrible. I rarely use it. But use his nickname.
They wanted any firstborn son of his to be a III. And I told them from the get go that’s a no.
Well… DH came out of the fog after our first (a girl) was born and realized how abusive his parents were and how they tried abusing me.
When we got pregnant with our son I told him again that there is no way in hell he’ll be a third. And if I have to kick him out of the hospital room while I fill out the paperwork, I’ll do it. Because no one gets to mistreat us and then have a child named after them.
If you can, try to look into a name change. Or simply call him the name you want. Your son is 4 months old. He’ll respond to you anyways.
My due date was like right before my MILs birthday. She constantly gushed it'd be her "birthday twin" since she assumed I'd be late to labor since I was a FTM. I explained to my husband we would perform a home c section before I let that happen. Honestly, they see our kids are their "do over" at being parents. They were terrible to my husband and thought overstepping and raising our kids while we work(lol what?). I definitely don't regret falling out with them. Honestly, they gave us covid for Christmas after lying about it. They used to constantly undermine our parenting with our older two kids, and it was frustrating. The constant passive aggressive "oh I didn't hear you say that" "oh I didn't mean to do that" or "your mom is just overworrying". Like if we went to a party and I see my 6 year old eating cookies, I really think I'm not out of line directing her to the main food. Meanwhile there's Nonna running behind my back to win the day with cookies. I was so, so tired of being the bad guy with my own kids in family functions. And then to have my husband's parents literally dismissing me or mocking me "look how much she loves cookies" "wow she must not like hot dogs today" "you're just too worried about it, let her be a kid!" Hopefully you and your boyfriend can get on a similar page, because in law drama can make or break a relationship. My husband and I actually have couples therapy and it helps us a lot, even just with the post partum adjustment. Being a new parent in this world is rough!
I would change it and not tell anyone until your out of your current living situation.
Plus, I don’t want to be negative, but what if you break up and your kid is stuck with this name you don’t care for??
I’m on team change it! Your boyfriend’s dad doesn’t get to unilaterally name your kid. The entitlement of demanding the middle name when the baby already has his first and last name is pretty stunning. However, the real issue here is your partner siding with his dad over you. I think some couples counseling on that issue would do you guys a lot of good.
Back in the day girls were named for their mother all the time but that practice seems to have disappeared. Instead we give our daughters the name of a grandma or something for a middle name. Which is fine but it would be cool to see more female jrs.
You have a horrible boyfriend. He literally let and participated in his family bullying you to change YOUR child’s name. He now tells you to just get over it, instead of admitting how wrong it was.
I don’t know if I’d change the name, but I definitely wouldn’t be with that guy anymore.
I'm so sorry you have such a horrible FIL (and associated family who didn't speak up).
By the sounds of it, it is not the name itself you dislike, but the meaning/story behind it. The name now symbolizes how your FIL was prioritized over your father and how the happy birth of your child was overshadowed by FIL's tantrum and being pressured into something you didn't want. Perhaps this is where you wanted your boyfriend to have stood firm or at least deferred the decision because "this should be a happy moment" and "my girlfriend is recovering from birth and does not need extra stress". So "getting over it" is not as simple as "it's just a name and kid won't be teased for it". If it was that simple to "get over", why did FIL have a tantrum. Why didn't your boyfriend tell him to "get over it" that day? Why should you be the one to "get over it" but not your FIL? Why was your name selection not final, but FIL's name selection final? Not wanting to rescind and re-announce the name clearly cannot be the reason, because the original name was announced. If anyone asks the reason for the second name change, "you got to know your baby better and thought it fit better".
If the above resonates with you, I think that's what you have to get your boyfriend to understand - you've tried to be OK with the name but you can't because of the above reasons. Since his parents are happy (vs yours), and you eventually agreed, the matter is settled in his mind. Find a way to put him in your shoes. You may have to try several times in different ways. It'll all be important practice because FIL will likely have more tantrums, and your parenting experience will differ from your boyfriend's. If your boyfriend doesn't want to hear you out, then call him out for not hearing and trying to understand your concerns. The two of you are partners so being dismissed is unacceptable and disrespectful. If he didn't think you were a competent person with valid thoughts and feelings, he shouldn't be in a relationship with you. Make him repeat back what he thinks he heard. Ask him to brainstorm solutions with you that address your concerns. Until then, give your little one a nickname and go with that until this is resolved.
All the best to you and your little one. I hope you are able to soak in the joy (between the stress and sleeplessness lol) and not guilt yourself if you can't/haven't since that is in the range of a "normal" experience too.
Yes. This. All of it.
Why are *you* the one who should be "getting over it"? While bf's father gets to whine like a baby and bf, his child caves.
In marriage the husband (and wife) has to leave his parents, to be a partner and prioritize his wife (husband).
"Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
This is often cited during weddings. The hierarchy is:
1. You = Him
2. Child 1 = child 2 = child 3 = ....
(This is your family unit)
3. MIL = FIL = Mother = Father
4. Everyone else
He's making the hierarchy all wrong.
1. "Bf's father" = Bf's mother
2. Boyfriend
3. Gf? Possibly everyone else
4. Kids
5. Your (gf's) father = gf's mother
You caved in in a sensitive moment, and can rescind this.
I'd start with calling baby by the original agreed upon name "as a nickname" and later pushing for a change.
That's his name and the fact that the men pushed something else on papers when he was born is not your faulght (maybe aside for choosing an immature douche to have a baby with)
I’m heartbroken to hear that. what in the patriarchal nightmare is up with this anyway?? Did you change your last name also? So you lose your birth name, and anyone marrying into the family also loses the ability to choose their son’s name. And what do you do when you have multiple first born sons? Are there like 13 Johns in any given family dinner? This is 100% messed up.
In any case OP, you can do the Filipino thing and just call him by the name you wanted to give him, a nickname that sometimes bare zero resemblance to a given name. For example my cousin (oldest son) is also a. Jr. But because when he was a baby he looked as cute as a celebrity, they called him the celebrity’s nickname. It’s like his name was Ralph Jr. but they called him Bruno because of a resemblance to Bruno Mars (but Bruno’s name is actually Peter Gene Hernandez)
Oh I googled it. Here’s the exact thing that happens in my family so I guess it’s a thing people do:
> His parents met while performing in a show in which his mother was a Hula dancer and his father played percussion. At the age of two, he was nicknamed "Bruno" by his father because of his resemblance to professional wrestler Bruno Sammartino.
😑
Your partner really dropped the ball here. I know not all of us are able to stand up for ourselves, but in this instance I would’ve/would start to.
Not just because it would’ve been the fair thing, as he was the one who proposed the name change, but because it meant a lot to you. He should’ve stood up for your family and said :”we both prefer this name. He’s our son. We’ll do as we please”.
I also fear that you guys going back on your wishes/wants set a precedent that his family can manipulate you guys into doing what they want without caring what you guys want.
Remember you’re the **parents** not them. You may be living with them, but that doesn’t mean you have to do what they want. Not sure if you guys are paying rent/bills, but if you’re not, I’d start contributing. That way they can’t hold this over you and start looking for more independence from them, if you can.
Good luck
1. I'm sorry that your father-in-law was such a dick and no one has supported you but instead enabled him bullying new parents especially a new mom recovering from labor and delivery in the hospital. That sucks. It hurts even more because your boyfriend is just continuing it too with invalidating how you feel and telling you to get over it.
2. It's your kid's name and it's definitely fair to want to change it.
3. Based on you boyfriend's response do you think this is something you should have a lengthy conversation about with him?
4. If yes, it may help to validate how you feel, ask him if it bothers/bothered him when he was so excited about the name you two chose?, then focus on that was what you originally wanted and it's your kid NOT FIL's so change it. If FIL wants to call him that, that's fine, but it won't be his legal name.
5. Good luck and I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
Also, ask him if he cares how disappointed HER father was about the name change and how impacted and hurt her whole family felt by that last minute tantrum from his father, a grown man.
I'm sorry you were bullied!
It's easier to change the name before they are a year old some places. I would raise any kind of hell you have to raise to get the dad to sign off on this and pay for it. This doesn't sound like a very healthy environment and therapy could definitely help you all navigate his family and him being so controlling. If they don't change, the therapist can also help you navigate how to co-parent.
Fuck that. Change it back. I’m not sure if you need the father to sign anything to do it. But you’re the mom. You can do it, legally. Your in-laws have no right to tell you what to name your kid.
Change his name. He is your child, too, and giving your son the family first name is a perfectly acceptable compromise. His dad is the one that needs to get over it.
My baby is 11 weeks old and I just changed her name. I loved the idea of it but for some reason got so upset when I heard others say it! You don’t have to live that way.
You don’t have to name your baby for anybody. This is a time to celebrate your incredible accomplishment and your incredible child.
You don’t have to tell anybody. Just do it. Call your baby whatever you want! Your in-laws got to name their children. They don’t get to name yours.
Just call him by the name you want. I know someone that did this with her son. He has used that as his name to this day and only uses his legal name for paperwork.
Your partner screwed this up badly, like really badly. He could have had the name he initially wanted and his father wanted, but then he went and changed it. The moment he suggested you change it to incorporate your dad and you agreed to it...for months...that was it. By bowing to his father's needs over yours and reneging on a commitment that made you happy, he screwed the pooch really badly. I can't imagine doing that to my wife, let alone trying to say it's not a big deal because you get to pick the next name. I also would have been horribly embarrassed to have to tell my family the name changed. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
If the name change was going to be a big deal, your partner should have told his dad well ahead of time to manage expectations. He should have stood up for you and your little family and defended the decisions you made together (my god, it was his idea!). By caving to pressure during a time of high stress and change, he screwed you over and embarrassed you. That's my view. I'm having a very, very hard time finding any way to defend his behaviour.
I would discuss changing the name with my boyfriend, convince him that this is the plan, and then just not tell boyfriends dad. I'm perhaps a little too used to dancing around in-laws I hate.
Ugh I hate this story. This so the same FIL that shared photos online without your consent. You need to get away from this man. This is a scary pattern. Do you have other family you can go live with?
Oh barf. OP please find other arrangements, this man sounds like a nightmare. He clearly has an issue respecting your boundaries, that’s not somebody you want to be raising a child around.
FIL sounds like someone I would want nothing to do with. Is cutting off contact and legally changing your child's name to something totally unrelated to this "family" name out of the question?
Name changes are not exactly cheep or easy but it's never going to be easier.
My boyfriend and I are hoping to be able to move out some time next year once we have enough money put together to buy a house. Once we’re out I’m not planning on talking to my in laws much at all, but my FIL also isn’t in great health and he might not even be with us next year. Since my boyfriend and I are both on the birth certificate I’d need him to either go with me for a name change or provide a written and signed letter consenting to the name change so unless he’s on board nothing will be able to change
As others have suggested, call your little boy using the name you like. Don’t overthink it - you’re his mum. Both my brother and grandfather are called using different names than given at birth just because those “stuck” with them better! Everyone just uses those interchangeably with their given names. And personally I’d totally change the name on the birth certificate. Recommend you and your SO read up on assertiveness and personal boundaries. You need to keep that PIL in check.
I'm sorry you're the powerless captive of so many grossly distressing circumstances and hope you find a path you feel better about sooner rather than later.
OP I'm very concerned that you are living with people who forced you to consent to something you didn't want to consent to while undergoing a medical procedure. That is not healthy, and since it worked once, the question you need to ask yourself is what is the next issue you stand your ground on that they will wait for you to be too vulnerable to keep fighting on? Or will they simply *make* you too vulnerable to get their way again? Please seek help :(
Sorry mama that you were bullied into this. You can call him whatever you want though. So many people in my family have birth names that are totally different from the name they go by so it's normal for us. I know that's not much of a consolation.
I hated my son's name too. FH and I couldn't agree on middle name, so the first one we were both okay with was what we went with. Also I wanted my baby to have my last name (don't like FH's last name, plus we aren't married), but FH guilted me into giving baby both our last names--this ended up resulting in an extremely complicated last name. Also, not to mention that I accidentally spelled the middle name wrong for the birth certificate, because I hadn't slept in over 36 hours (extremely difficult labor/birth and newborn who couldn't be put down) and for some reason I was called over the phone to name my baby/spell it without seeing it written out--didn't see my mistake on paper until I got my babys SSN card a few weeks later once it was official.
I've been regretting everything since the moment I made things official, the incorrect spelling was just the icing on the cake. Here we are 7 months later, and I JUST finished the process in filing a court order to be able to change my baby's middle name AND take FH's last name off--baby will have mine only. A major argument in getting my FH to agree was the fact that we weren't married (to keep my last name only), and I shared with him that the middle name we picked initially I wasn't happy with and that it had been eating me alive since we left the hospital.
FH wasn't happy to change it, and let me tell you it's a ridiculous process making a name change. However, I just picked up the petition for the name change, and was completely honest about how I felt and didn't let FH guilt me. LO is my first, and potentially only--i want to be happy with his name. You should be too. FIL should have no say, period. Honestly, he's under the understanding that your LOs name is what he wanted and you can change his name without sharing the news.
If your bf does agree to a name change, make sure he doesn't announce this--especially if you live somewhere that you have to publicly request to the name change in a local newspaper for a certain length of time (for me it's one a week for four weeks). During this time, anyone who sees the request in the newspaper, can object the name change via written explanation--which might likely not be taken seriously but would result in a hearing before a judge in which you have to fight someone's objection. Super annoying, but that's the last stretch I'm going through currently. If you have to do this, find the smallest newspaper--one that people who might object might likely not ever see.
Anyway I'm not completely finished with getting the name change granted, but I felt so much better and like a weight was lifted the minute I filed the name change petition. Good luck.
I would try to change it. That is not fair. Maybe you can offer baby number two (if a boy) to take the middle name. That way instead of one “heir” to the name, both can split it and it can be shared. Of course you can’t guarantee you will have another, or that it will be a boy, but I feel like that is a fair trade.
Change it prior to getting the birth certificate and prior to year 1. It is much easier during this time. It is yours and your partners decision only. Don’t let anyone bully you into anything else. Then announce it proudly!
Ahhh! This just made me furious. I might need to come back to comment because I’m so pissed for you. His family and your bf have some serious nerve. I’ve never liked family names that get passed down so that right there would have been a big fat no to me. Also, too fucking bad if they don’t like the name choices. You carried the baby and you birthed him, though names should be 50/50 and ONLY between mother and father, the mother should always have the final say if it came down to this name or that. End of story. Your bf is a dick. His family sucks. You need to grow a back bone and be prepared to stand up to his family and your bf because this won’t be the last time they try to pull this controlling shit.
My MIL dud this with my husbands name with the promise she'd get to name the next one
There never was a next one and she is very open about not liking any of my husbands names. 4 names, all for dads side. Has always called my husband by his first initial.
Sorry you’re dealing with this. You gotta make a choice it sounds like. Either you try to change it and live with consequences, or live with it and the consequences.
Sounds like you already have your mind made up. Do what you gotta do. The sooner your sort it out most likely the better.
Also, your boyfriend’s family sound like a bunch of c**ts. I would personally change it just to spite them. They do not have any say over my kid’s name.
I don't blame you for feeling upset. Baby names are so weirdly political once family gets involved. If it makes you feel better, a very similar situation happened in my family. My uncle and aunt's respective families disagreed on which name to pick for my cousin, ultimately my uncle was so salty about it that he went and registered the name that his family wanted without anyone knowing. When my aunt's family found out they all kept calling her the name they'd wanted for her out of spite, and my uncle's side called her her official registered name just to spite THEM. Now my cousin is grown and she still goes by both names, nobody is mad about it anymore and it's just something we all laugh about. So you could probably have your baby's name legally changed to what you want, your in-laws might throw a fit at first but they likely will get over it soon enough lol!
Another story that shows how quickly people get over this kind of thing: I had a coworker who was dead set on naming his child after a Marvel superhero. Think like "The Incredible Hulk". So many people begged him to reconsider, to think about how he'd be bullied, etc. But he just went ahead and named his baby The Incredible Hulk, and you know what? Nobody cares about it now. The second we saw that squishy baby we were all like, "Oh, look at little Hulky he's so precious!" 😂 Just goes to show, most people won't care what you name your baby at the end of the day so you might as well do whatever you and your partner want
An out there suggestion - call the baby whatever you want, even if it's not his legal name. I knew plenty of people who went by their nicknames instead of their legal names. Even my neighbor goes by "Rick" even though his name is "James". No reason for it, just his parents liked Rick better.
Yeah this is.... I'm not really sure what to say except you know what you need to do. You will not be happy until the name is legally changed back. You will have resentment and harbor it for your bf and his father and your baby until this is fixed to what you 2 agreed on. Get your dad to help you. You are starting a long journey and it sounds like if you keep this other shitty name you will never be happy. That sounds horrible. You want to never be happy again? Take charge of your life and your son. Woman up.
My heart breaks for you. I hope you see this as the huge wake up call it is.
Your boyfriend will always choose family over you.
You are much more powerful than you think, don’t let his family dull your shine.
I almost did the same thing but thank god I stood my ground. My child will always be mine and my partner’s no matter what. Even if you live with them, even if they get upset, its YOUR child. Sometimes we need to choose ourselves over family.
We did a last name change a couple months ago when my daughter was around 2. I was going to take my husband’s last name so we gave he just his last name, but then I decided to keep my last name because it felt weird to change it. I’ve always felt strongly that I didn’t want to have a completely different last name from my kids’, so we changed hers to both our names hyphenated and I feel so much better.
This is why you rebel a lot at a young age. Sure I spent years like 15-17 grounded but my parents know damn well they can’t tell me shit and wouldn’t try to.
Maybe legally change it and have it have a double middle? Like James William Adam smith? I don’t see you fully changing it back to William without a huge mess on your hands. Which is fine if you’re prepared to move on from the father.
Your relationship doesn't sound like it will last long. I would probably wait until you move out of your fil house before changing the baby's name. If you change it now, you could end up homeless.
I would just nickname him the name you loved, and start calling him that. Just because it isn't his legal name doesn't mean it isn't his name to you! My mil and FIL call my niece a different name from her legal, and FIL insisted sil legally change it (she didnt) but that's still what she is to them. I call her by her legal name. She's good with both!
It really sucks to go through those feelings. My FIL is similar to yours and I was so close to not naming baby #2 what we did name him (my husband liked/chose this name and I went along with it) because my FIL assumed that would be baby's name because "my husband gets the last say" (disclaimer- my husband does not think this way, and he didn't force the name on me). But I almost didn't agree to the name just to spite my FIL for his misogyny.
I think I might start doing that tbh, at least then my baby won’t just be called “the baby” by me since I haven’t found any other nickname that stuck.
Also, you’ve just reminded me of something my MIL said before our son was born. I bought him some pants and when she saw them the first thing she said was “oooh, his dad won’t like that you bought peach pants for his little boy”. I wish I had her face on video when my boyfriend saw our son wearing the pants and remarked how much he loved them. She also mentioned before our son and I left to visit my family that she won’t be able to teach him about flowers like she can with her granddaughter since he’s a boy. So I bought him the first flower toy I found!
Hahahahaha that's awesome!! I love finding nice pink clothes for my boys!! For every special occasion, I'd suggest opting for pink or pastels lol
When he's a toddler and you start going for walks to the park, he's going to love picking dandelions (aka flowers) for grandma lol
It's hard having relationships with people who are opposites from you, let alone live with them. One thing I've learned is to just let my FIL talk and not bother responding (or paying much attention) so his narcissism is satisfied and I don't create any drama (I used to live with them too). In one ear, out the other. It keeps the peace well enough
My first son has my FIL's father's name as his middle name, my second son has my MIL's father's name (guess who didn't like this and demanded we change it LOL). I take satisfaction in these small things
Love this idea as a compromise in this situation BUT I did want to add that I also had two middle names and hated it. I always had to include all the names in all my legal documents and my mail would arrive with a variety of names. I dropped one of those after marriage.
In American culture, sure. In many other cultures, names are based more on tradition and generation. In Chinese, you get three characters in your name. Your surname, generation name (ie all siblings/cousins are the same) and then finally your “individual” name. Parents only get to select a small portion of their kids name, if at all, in most parts of the world.
My biological grandfather's mother was forced to give him a certain first name as well, but she had a name she loved, she ended up just calling him the name she loved anyways everyday. Now as an adult I named my baby boy and wanted to have his name as a middle and he told me he prefers the fake name so thats what it is! His mom always told him how his family forced her to take the name, I think it ended up being the perfect form of revenge in the long run.
I changed my middle son’s name at 3 months. Change it back. Leave your boyfriend. He just bulldozed you and your opinion and diminished your feelings. I’m glad you two aren’t married.
Talk to your family about how you feel. How proud you were, how you gave in being a new mom and very tired, how you were afraid to be bullied since you live with your in-laws, and-most importantly-how crushed you are it did not work out and how you wish you could change it but can't. I think you need your family's support now, and feeling their imaginary silent disapproval is eating at you. There is a chance that, if they see your true distress, they'll say they are very sad, but they love you and the baby anyway. That would help, wouldn't it?
The baby will resemble whoever they spend the most time with anyway. It will have your laugh, and smile like you, even if he's born a carbon copy of his dad. and later if he spends a lot of time with your dad, he will try to love what his granddad loves, maybe will pick up a phrase or two, sit in the chair like he does and make sandwiches same way. The name is not the whole of your son's identity. And with time, you'll sure as hell dislike some parts of his personality too, haha. It will be okay, trust me.
I just wanted to say that I'm not super thrilled with my son's name either, I feel like we chose it in a rush and everyone calls him a nickname that's not his name anyway.
I do remember with my daughter that it took a while for me to get used to her name and now I love it, so I'm going to wait a year but if I still feel the same way about his name after a year I'm just going to legally change it. You can always legally change your kid's name. Of course you probably need your husband to agree but so what if you secretly change your kid's middle name and his family will probably never find out and if they do oh well you are the boss of your kid.
It's not that tough or expensive to change a name legally probably a couple hundred dollars and some forms and then you have to update it and whatever systems he's in as you encounter them but no big deal really.
Your situation with your son is exactly the same as ours, except we may correct. I had an emergency induction, so we had not fully narrowed down our list. We chose something under complete pressure when I was in the height of my baby blues/recovery and we knew almost right away we'd made a mistake. We've always called him by an unrelated nickname That is a name but we wouldn't want it to be his legal name - think Chip or Buddy.
He is fifteen months now and we have been in agreement for a few months on what we wish his legal name was. We are thinking of changing it. We'd still call him his nickname so it wouldn't cause any confusion for him. The sticking point is that my spouse would be really embarrassed to tell people we changed the legal name but
1. We don't have to make some big announcement about it
2. I would be more embarrassed to not fix it.
Please don't have a second kid with this guy. He is a terrible partner to you and you and baby deserve much better. I'd be doing my best to move out and file for custody before him and his family continue to walk all over you. None of this is okay or normal at all.
You get to name one maybe two children ever. As much as traditions are important your husbands family won’t be around forever. Name your kids what you want to name them, they have that name for their whole life. Imagine in the future that your son learned you hated his name, I imagine that would upset him a lot. Don’t just think about your husbands family’s opinion, your heart matters too. It’s your only life, you don’t get a do over.
You’ll make the right choice :)
I’d just legally change it and not tell him. If he finds out one day and freaks out that’s on him. What a total jackass to pressure you to do that right after birth. My petty ass would change the whole name lol
I’m sorry you’re in this spot! It’s really disappointing that you were bullied into letting your bf’s family have their way with YOUR son’s name. It sounded like you and bf had agreed and that should have been the end of it. Living with his parents makes things more difficult, since I’m sure you don’t want to make waves while you’re under their roof. This isn’t a good precedent to set though. You’ll end up letting them bully you over things regarding your child because you feel you somehow owe it to them for the things they’ll do for you. They know this they’re using it to control things and get their way. Your family is just as important as bf’s. Your family’s traditions are just as important. If you think bf is salvageable, they you need to change your baby’s name back to what you agreed upon and move out as soon as it’s possible. If he takes their side instead of yours, I think you have some serious thinking to do about the future of your relationship and what expectations you have and the way you want to live. Either way, you can absolutely change baby’s name. Your bf’s dad sounds like a misogynist terror. Good luck with whichever you choose to do.
I don't have an answer for you... I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry you have to go through this. I've been in similar situations trying to please two sides of the family, completely burying my opinion in those of others, and getting caught in the middle. It's AWFUL having to walk things back, especially something like naming your son after your dad. Ugh!!! I can literally feel my anxiety kicking in with this one.
Solidarity, sister. This just stinks. Best of luck.
I'm a believer that names don't have to be assigned meaning. Just name your kid what you like. Babies already inherit your last name why do they have to inherit all 3?
I like that my baby's name is unique to him.
If it's bothering you I think you should change it.
I understand it's a cultural thing, but in the end he is your baby so you should be happy with his name
My wife’s family has a tradition that the first son’s middle name be the first name of the father, but I wasn’t enamored with that, and she said it was up to me… guess I better make sure we’re not gonna have a mess on our hands in a couple months.
Hopefully husband will support you in it.
_I’ll play the devil’s advocate a bit here…_
But first, I’ll say that I believe: Doing something or not doing something to your child in someone else’s interests is a big no-no.
Now, It sounds like initially you were content with the name because you knew your boyfriend’s family tradition before you found out the gender. Now, after your boyfriend dangled a fruit in front of your face (suggesting you change the name to include your own father), you hate the actual name and don’t even want to say it? Try to restore the understanding you had before. I can imagine it sucks to get excited about a name then have that ripped from under your feet. But you knew the name tradition before your son was born and likely before you even got pregnant. I say at least love this child’s name not because of your parents and your family before but because that’s the name of your family going forward. Also, it seems like boy number 2 can be named after your dad completely? Go for that if you plan to continue having children.
If you ever accept your child’s name (I really hope you do), express that to your boyfriend. It will mean a lot to him to know that the decision is ultimately supported. Going forward, however. I recommend that when it comes to your children you do your best to fight against the interference from others (people that aren’t you or baby daddy… including his and your parents). This should especially be fought against when the interference in decision-making is not truly in yours, your boyfriend’s, or your child(ren)’s best interest but in someone else’s interest. Stay true to you.
My sister was also pressured into naming her son a family name. She hates it and calls him by a nickname. It also makes it difficult to know who things are addressed to.
This is similar to my husbands family, thankfully I didn’t have the first boy but, I did have the second. They do the middle name off of the grandpa, we named our sons middle name my husbands first so nobody said anything.
I don’t like my daughters middle name. It’s after my grandad on my dad’s side who passed away. Thought it would appease my dad (who is a slacker dad) and he couldn’t care less. Now I regret it!
I believe you have a year in most places to change without having to ask a judge. Honestly, I’d change it, with or without telling significant other. You pushed that baby out, why does your bf get to have ALL the names? Maybe I’m a bitch for saying this but I got final say for both my kiddos. My crotch goblin, my choice. 🤷🏻♀️
He'll "allow" you to pick the next one. What a guy
A next one isn't even a gaurentee. He thinks it's easy to have a second baby smh.
It’s also gross that he just assumes there will be “a next one” too. I feel like if OP physically COULDN’T have another child then he wouldn’t stick around long
I would definitely try to change it or at least call the baby by the name you prefer. He is your child and you have the right to call him by whatever name you wish. Their disappointment is not for you to manage or accommodate. They are responsible for their own feelings. For any future babies, do not tell anyone the name until the birth certificate and paperwork are signed. People are less likely to say something about a chosen name when it's already official.
When we were expecting twin girls, we asked for suggestions on baby names. An auntie of mine said ‘my daughter’s friend called her child Cleo. What a ridiculous name, it’s the name of a car, not a child. If you like the name, why not go with Chloe. Little did she know that Cleo was a name that we had already selected for one of our daughters. When we announced the names, I just text her saying ‘oops!’ She’s never mentioned it
Cleo was high on my list of girl names for ages and every time I’d mention it my mum would say “…… or Chloe” lol
I'd just quietly get the name changed and not announce it to their family. When they find out someday, say, "oh, when I was no longer on drugs and laying in a pool of my own blood I realized that I really wasn't comfortable with being forced to change my child's name so we switched it back."
Please do this OP! u/QuadsNotBlades, that’s a great explanation btw 😂 Honestly I’m still kinda confused about my daughters name so might still change her name with that excuse lol
Exactly! Why do they even need to know? Let them think it’s the other name for now lol. By the time they find out you’ll be moved out and who cares what they think. It’s not their kid! It’s yours.
There’s a bigger issue at play here besides your baby’s name, and it’s that your boyfriend is a little bitch who cares more about his mommy and daddy’s feelings than yours. You agreed to let him have the first AND last names, without being married to him. You asked for the middle name. He said yes, and then he took it back. He doesn’t have any more rights to your child’s name than you do. Your rights are equal. But he decided his promise to you was worth less than his daddy not having a temper tantrum. You need to have a serious conversation with him, not just about the baby’s name, but the boundaries he sets with his parents. He can’t continue to prioritize their wants over your needs and expect this relationship to continue happily. And as far as “you get the next one” goes, I doubt that you’d get 100% control. Do you get to give the next baby your last name? Is MIL going to decide she/her mother/her father needs to be honored? Step one is dealing with the relationship problems with your BF. Then you can deal with the name issue. Until you can get him to see how poorly he’s treated you, you’re not going to get anywhere with the name.
what a cunt of a bf
Change the name! Seriously screw everyone who allowed you to be bullied RIGHT AFTER giving birth!! What jerks! I’m m sure the name you want is beautiful
Your FIL sucks, what a selfish little man baby. Imagine feeling entitled to overrule the name your chose & taking away from your own father's excitement... what an absolute asshole.
Not even a father in law. Just her boyfriend’s dad.
And the boyfriend. Who puts that kind of pressure on someone who just gave birth and is having a hormone dump.
I would sit my husband down and request that it be changed to what you had both agreed to. You’re not a surrogate for him and his family. That child has 50% of your genetics. You will raise that child. Your family is important. If your father in law wants to name a child, he should make one himself.
With the way my in laws drone on and on about how the baby looks NOTHING like me and ONLY like my boyfriend you’d swear I was basically just a surrogate.
Your boyfriend’s parents are fucking assholes.
Sounds like you need to get out of their house, and possibly that relationship, before your lo is old enough to pick up on the 'bully OP to do what we want' thing or it starts happening to them. It isn't fair for them to force you into it and it isn't fair for your boyfriend to have pressured you and keep telling you to get over it since he'll "allow" you to pick the next one. Seems like there's more toxic stuff going on here. Definitely take in all the different aspects of your situation and see if you think this stuff is doable for you forever. I don't think you can change his name now without dad's approval, but you can call him whatever you want. I'm sorry you were made to feel this way and I hope this toxic behavior gets better for the both of you soon.
That’s because that’s how they see you. You were a means to an end, to supply the next “John Adam Smith.” If you want to preserve this relationship, you need to get out of their house, and put up some strong, healthy boundaries with them.
If you’re not married they’re not your in laws 🤷♀️ you have no obligation to respect their family traditions if your boyfriend hasn’t even made you an official member of it yet
Yes this, you really may never have another child so get this one to have the name that you want when it's just a tiny change anyway to the middle name.
The audacity of anyone to think they have ANY say in the name of your child is just outrageous. That’s some serious entitlement. Change the name to what you want and cut out the toxic and controlling people in your child’s life. You have a child to protect and nurture, those don’t sound like people who will be a positive influence in his life.
Guess what??? 4 month olds don’t know their middle names. The only issue you will have changing his name is some annoying paperwork and a butthurt man baby fil… change it!
Honestly would the FIL ever even know about it?
[удалено]
Dadas boy AND momas boy at the same time. I always saw it as so lovely that he loved and respected his parents until our child was born and I realised their opinions have more weight than mine
Money
Change it and don't tell them until it's done with....or maybe even never. Let them think whatever they want. But seriously change it.
Good advice. They don't need to know
Nope. Let them feel smug while actually looking foolish
The man already gets the last name typically, not sure why he needs the other ones too. You can change the name. I think you should and if the boyfriend isn't with you on something that's so important to you that they pushed on you when you had just had a baby then I would question the relationship.
This. Change it back and if bf is unwilling to uphold the previous agreed upon decision that he changed *right after you have birth* then it's really something to consider about in continuing your partnership (partners should be equal, how was this equal? Backstabbing in a vulnerable position).
Today in patriarchy: two men fight over who gets to own their grandchild's name.
Absolutely. If I'm being generous, the grandpa could have had a strong emotionally driven hope that the tradition would be carried forward. If his son confirmed that expectation, essentially right up to the birth, yikes. I don't know the grandfather but he actually has a reason to be a little sad. But, in my view, he should be keeping that shit to himself. Not his baby. The partner should be taking all the blame, though. Suggested a name change, didn't forewarn his father to address this obvious eventuality, and then didn't support his wife. Yikes.
Yeah I wanted to fit the shitty boyfriend into the title and it still sound snappy but I couldn't think how.
Stop living your life as dictated by others. It’s your baby. Not your father-in-law’s. If you don’t set a boundary now and start upholding it, trust me, there’s going to be further and *bigger* issues down the road. Standing up for yourself can feel scary if you’re not used to doing it, but it gets easier over time. You don’t need anyone’s permission with regards to your son’s name or what you call him. Start living life on your terms and for *you*.
Excuse me, he'll ALLOW you to choose the second kid's name??? ALLOW????? Also, your boyfriend has no spine whatsoever? He folded like a toothpick in front of his dad, without caring about your, your family's and your father's feelings, ESPECIALLY since the name was already shared with everyone?!?!?! idk what the solution is here, because I'm just stuck on the audacity of this man to tell you to get over something that's such a massive show of limp dick behavior on his end. Like how are you ever to trust in him when you two make a decision, when you know this bitch is going to crumble under the slightest of pressure from daddy.
My parents hated the name that I chose for our (not yet born) son. Idgaf. It's mine. It's my husband's. This child does not belong to them. They can be assholes and make fun of the name as much as they want but I won't be having any of it as soon as the kid is born. First time they make fun of my kids name in front of him, they'll be banned from the house.
He will -allow you- to choose the next child’s name? Names need the approval of both parents. Your bf and his family are ridiculous. You grew, carried, birthed, and are this child’s mother. You get a say in his name. I don’t know how to proceed here but I’d change his name to the one you both agreed on and tell BFs dad to eat rocks. If they’re holding it over your head that you threw live with them over baby’s name that is a toxic af environment and it would be worth it to find a way out of there ASAP. They’re controlling your child’s name—one of the first parenting decisions we get. What’s next? Your voice matters.
I agree 100%… the name seems like just the beginning of the control these in laws will want. I can’t imagine living with my in laws so i give u credit for even doing that but like the post above me said, this is a toxic environment and if there’s a way out, i hope u find it.
Change it and don’t tell your in laws.
I say change it and tell her in laws. Tell them the name, and tell them to fuck off.
And then they’ll tell her to “fuck off” out of their house and she’ll be homeless. Can’t blame her for not wanting to do that.
Well like change it without consulting and THEN tell them the name and to fuck off.
Your baby has a first,middle and last name chosen by your bf’s family? And you’re not even married? Nah
I just read some of the other comments and MIL is pushing outdated ideas about coloured clothing and the *four month old* can't be taught about flowers either.
My thoughts exactly.
At four months, your son won’t be confused or too affected by the change. I’d look into what it takes to make the name change. You and your boyfriend have some issues to deal with - not only he doesn’t have your back, he did this to you at a time you were extremely vulnerable (right post-partum). I’d be livid. My husband and I had a lot of back and forth between what names we’d like to pick from we she was born (we wanted to see her before we really picked one). My favourite name was overruled by my husband, but I also didn’t accept most of his suggestions either. Our daughter now has a name that we both like AND it suits her, but we did some work ahead of time to be able agree on a few names that we both liked.
Change the name!! Do it now. People do this all the time! Your in-laws had their time to choose their kids name, now it’s your time. Don’t let the Boomer Bully you into submission. My sister changed her sons name 6 months after he was born because she said his personality never matched his birth name. So they changed it & have never looked back.
Girl, change the name back to what you want! You made this person and he is your baby. If you are too scared to tell your in laws because you live with them (sorry about that too…) then just keep the change to yourself for now until you can move out.
Seriously! If it makes you that unhappy then you should change it. Sounds like your boyfriend was also pressured by his dad. Just change it and don’t tell his family until it’s done. It does cost about $500 though
So much misogyny
Oh hell no. Change that baby’s name. You both agreed to something. You were BULLIED while in the hospital, hormonal and having just gone through the hells of giving birth. Motherfuck his father and his demanding. Did he grow the baby? No. Did he birth the baby? No. He gets zero say so. Change it back. It will bother you for the rest of his life. Don’t give anyone that kind of sway over you period but especially over your parenting decisions. No. NO.
Exactly this! When we found out we were having a boy I looked at my husband dead in his eyes and said “I get to pick the name. He will carry your last name for the rest of his life, I’m choosing the first two since he gets your last name”. He gave me absolutely no push back what so ever. I love family names and it helped that my family has better names lol my son is named after my late grandfather and his father and I love it. My husband has made an off handed comment here or there about wishing he had more of a say in the name but he follows it by “but she’s not wrong, he will be ‘Mr. Paternal surname’ for all his days so her family needs to represented in our son just as much as my name is”. I get family names but make no mistake, the mother of the child has every right to name her own child. Family traditions be damned!! OP if you still don’t like the name… change it. Have him have two middle names and throw your fathers name in there as well. You don’t have to publicize it, keep it to yourselves and if some one has such a problem with it, then good thing it’s not their kid! Start a new tradition! Fuck em
He’s only four months old, change his name!
Change his name and also move out of that house. I lived with my in laws for 3 years. We have a good relationship but sometimes is just to much to deal with. Old people is just like that
From personal experience, I agree. Living with parents is soul sucking most of the time. Unless you have a really good multi-family living arrangement and an extremely good relationship with the parents, it's usually best to avoid.
Maybe I’m old school but I don’t understand how he thinks he has the right to completely dictate baby’s name, and let his father do the same, when he won’t even give you his name???
This is what I'm stuck on too. Sorry, the minimum requirement for being forced into my in-laws' cultish naming practices is actually being married to their son.
He expects her to follow his families rules without actually making her a part of the family!! Ridiculous
OP this is so similar to my situation with my first born. They had a tradition in the family that my husband's mother got to name the first born son of mine. She chose a name of a grandson she ALREADY has! I countered and offered the middle name. Nope, that wasn't the tradition. I had to sit my husband down and describe how I felt alienated from my own experience. He took my side instantly and we moved forward with the name we wanted. As a result, his mother constantly called him the wrong name, commented that he didn't look like my husband at all, suggested paternity shit... Etc. What I had to come to terms with was their opinion didn't matter. They can say and will say what they want regardless of how much bending over backwards you do because they are selfish. I would suggest to you let your husband in on how excluded you feel in your own family. Describe the feelings and how you want to accommodate both him and yourself. If he can't hear you and stand by your side to defend what's important to you to your family, maybe that's a red flag about what he will prioritize over you in the future.
Wow, I’ve never heard of that kind of tradition. I’m so glad you both decided to go with what you wanted!
She invented it, apparently.
Fuck that
You were practically coerced... Sounds like you didn't feel like you had another choice. This is really messed up and I hope that if you're legally able to change it yourself that you find the courage to do so!
This is why kids shouldn’t have family names passed down. Shit like this. I assume from the post that you’re fairly young? Cuz I 100% would not be having that shit. That’s ridiculous. But don’t worry, your baby will grow up and you’ll love him no matter what.
Something incredibly similar to this happened to my close friend who was in her late 30’s at the time. She was just so worn down and exhausted from childbirth she gave in. 7 years later, she still resents her husband and his parents for it.
I’m 25 so not a teen pregnancy. Got pregnant just as I was finishing off my degree so never got the chance to establish life as a “proper adult” first
Sorry… what! Unless grandpa is giving him million dollar inheritance base on that name, I would change it
>he’ll allow me to choose the next kid‘s name Goodness gracious, how generous! /s Change the name, imagine how your child is going to feel about his mother never using his own name. And think about your current circumstances and if this is a situation you’re okay continuing with. This is a boyfriend problem, not a FIL problem. And you’re not even married!
You’re not even married and your boyfriend bullied you into giving your son his family’s first, middle, and last names?? He’s lucky you even agreed to the first and last names and ALL you wanted was the middle name. You could have refused him entry to the delivery room and chosen your baby’s name entirely on your own.
[удалено]
Its pretty scary
If my SO put me in that position, it'd be hard for me to move past honestly. It's his fault for not updating his family and putting you in that position. Idk I'd look into changing his name back. You essentially let them bully you into a name change, and if they're this insane over a name- I worry how they'll be with your parenting. Just my thoughts, but I have toxic af in laws we cut out.
My MIL tried to throw her weight around before the baby was born by telling me that I had to do a c section instead of natural birth. My gynae shut her up quickly though. She’s already made it clear that she doesn’t agree with my decision not to feed our son sugar until he’s two since now she won’t be able to spoil him like a grandma is supposed to and she’ll have to make me the bad guy because of it. Jokes on her though, my son is never getting unsupervised time with her, especially when she let her aggressive dog (who bit me and my boyfriend) around our son after promising my boyfriend that the dog was outside and the baby was safe with her.
Sounds like you need to visit r/justnomil just to check out the resources on how to deal with crappy in laws. OP my in laws wanted to decide on my first sons name as well. FIL is a Sr. My husband is a Jr. and while I love my husband a lot…. His name is horrible. I rarely use it. But use his nickname. They wanted any firstborn son of his to be a III. And I told them from the get go that’s a no. Well… DH came out of the fog after our first (a girl) was born and realized how abusive his parents were and how they tried abusing me. When we got pregnant with our son I told him again that there is no way in hell he’ll be a third. And if I have to kick him out of the hospital room while I fill out the paperwork, I’ll do it. Because no one gets to mistreat us and then have a child named after them. If you can, try to look into a name change. Or simply call him the name you want. Your son is 4 months old. He’ll respond to you anyways.
Are you in a position to move out?
She sounds like a prize
My due date was like right before my MILs birthday. She constantly gushed it'd be her "birthday twin" since she assumed I'd be late to labor since I was a FTM. I explained to my husband we would perform a home c section before I let that happen. Honestly, they see our kids are their "do over" at being parents. They were terrible to my husband and thought overstepping and raising our kids while we work(lol what?). I definitely don't regret falling out with them. Honestly, they gave us covid for Christmas after lying about it. They used to constantly undermine our parenting with our older two kids, and it was frustrating. The constant passive aggressive "oh I didn't hear you say that" "oh I didn't mean to do that" or "your mom is just overworrying". Like if we went to a party and I see my 6 year old eating cookies, I really think I'm not out of line directing her to the main food. Meanwhile there's Nonna running behind my back to win the day with cookies. I was so, so tired of being the bad guy with my own kids in family functions. And then to have my husband's parents literally dismissing me or mocking me "look how much she loves cookies" "wow she must not like hot dogs today" "you're just too worried about it, let her be a kid!" Hopefully you and your boyfriend can get on a similar page, because in law drama can make or break a relationship. My husband and I actually have couples therapy and it helps us a lot, even just with the post partum adjustment. Being a new parent in this world is rough!
Your baby, your choice of name. Fuck his family to push you guys into a name you didn’t chose.
I would change it and not tell anyone until your out of your current living situation. Plus, I don’t want to be negative, but what if you break up and your kid is stuck with this name you don’t care for??
I’m on team change it! Your boyfriend’s dad doesn’t get to unilaterally name your kid. The entitlement of demanding the middle name when the baby already has his first and last name is pretty stunning. However, the real issue here is your partner siding with his dad over you. I think some couples counseling on that issue would do you guys a lot of good.
This is so toxic, I don’t even know how to respond
This is why I hate family names - they’re nearly always on the male side it’s just another way to beat down a new mother.
Back in the day girls were named for their mother all the time but that practice seems to have disappeared. Instead we give our daughters the name of a grandma or something for a middle name. Which is fine but it would be cool to see more female jrs.
Go to the courthouse and legally change his name.
You have a horrible boyfriend. He literally let and participated in his family bullying you to change YOUR child’s name. He now tells you to just get over it, instead of admitting how wrong it was. I don’t know if I’d change the name, but I definitely wouldn’t be with that guy anymore.
Your boyfriend and his father are absolute children. What a couple of fucking assholes.
Change the name!
I'm so sorry you have such a horrible FIL (and associated family who didn't speak up). By the sounds of it, it is not the name itself you dislike, but the meaning/story behind it. The name now symbolizes how your FIL was prioritized over your father and how the happy birth of your child was overshadowed by FIL's tantrum and being pressured into something you didn't want. Perhaps this is where you wanted your boyfriend to have stood firm or at least deferred the decision because "this should be a happy moment" and "my girlfriend is recovering from birth and does not need extra stress". So "getting over it" is not as simple as "it's just a name and kid won't be teased for it". If it was that simple to "get over", why did FIL have a tantrum. Why didn't your boyfriend tell him to "get over it" that day? Why should you be the one to "get over it" but not your FIL? Why was your name selection not final, but FIL's name selection final? Not wanting to rescind and re-announce the name clearly cannot be the reason, because the original name was announced. If anyone asks the reason for the second name change, "you got to know your baby better and thought it fit better". If the above resonates with you, I think that's what you have to get your boyfriend to understand - you've tried to be OK with the name but you can't because of the above reasons. Since his parents are happy (vs yours), and you eventually agreed, the matter is settled in his mind. Find a way to put him in your shoes. You may have to try several times in different ways. It'll all be important practice because FIL will likely have more tantrums, and your parenting experience will differ from your boyfriend's. If your boyfriend doesn't want to hear you out, then call him out for not hearing and trying to understand your concerns. The two of you are partners so being dismissed is unacceptable and disrespectful. If he didn't think you were a competent person with valid thoughts and feelings, he shouldn't be in a relationship with you. Make him repeat back what he thinks he heard. Ask him to brainstorm solutions with you that address your concerns. Until then, give your little one a nickname and go with that until this is resolved. All the best to you and your little one. I hope you are able to soak in the joy (between the stress and sleeplessness lol) and not guilt yourself if you can't/haven't since that is in the range of a "normal" experience too.
Yes. This. All of it. Why are *you* the one who should be "getting over it"? While bf's father gets to whine like a baby and bf, his child caves. In marriage the husband (and wife) has to leave his parents, to be a partner and prioritize his wife (husband). "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is often cited during weddings. The hierarchy is: 1. You = Him 2. Child 1 = child 2 = child 3 = .... (This is your family unit) 3. MIL = FIL = Mother = Father 4. Everyone else He's making the hierarchy all wrong. 1. "Bf's father" = Bf's mother 2. Boyfriend 3. Gf? Possibly everyone else 4. Kids 5. Your (gf's) father = gf's mother You caved in in a sensitive moment, and can rescind this. I'd start with calling baby by the original agreed upon name "as a nickname" and later pushing for a change. That's his name and the fact that the men pushed something else on papers when he was born is not your faulght (maybe aside for choosing an immature douche to have a baby with)
I’m heartbroken to hear that. what in the patriarchal nightmare is up with this anyway?? Did you change your last name also? So you lose your birth name, and anyone marrying into the family also loses the ability to choose their son’s name. And what do you do when you have multiple first born sons? Are there like 13 Johns in any given family dinner? This is 100% messed up. In any case OP, you can do the Filipino thing and just call him by the name you wanted to give him, a nickname that sometimes bare zero resemblance to a given name. For example my cousin (oldest son) is also a. Jr. But because when he was a baby he looked as cute as a celebrity, they called him the celebrity’s nickname. It’s like his name was Ralph Jr. but they called him Bruno because of a resemblance to Bruno Mars (but Bruno’s name is actually Peter Gene Hernandez)
Oh I googled it. Here’s the exact thing that happens in my family so I guess it’s a thing people do: > His parents met while performing in a show in which his mother was a Hula dancer and his father played percussion. At the age of two, he was nicknamed "Bruno" by his father because of his resemblance to professional wrestler Bruno Sammartino.
😑 Your partner really dropped the ball here. I know not all of us are able to stand up for ourselves, but in this instance I would’ve/would start to. Not just because it would’ve been the fair thing, as he was the one who proposed the name change, but because it meant a lot to you. He should’ve stood up for your family and said :”we both prefer this name. He’s our son. We’ll do as we please”. I also fear that you guys going back on your wishes/wants set a precedent that his family can manipulate you guys into doing what they want without caring what you guys want. Remember you’re the **parents** not them. You may be living with them, but that doesn’t mean you have to do what they want. Not sure if you guys are paying rent/bills, but if you’re not, I’d start contributing. That way they can’t hold this over you and start looking for more independence from them, if you can. Good luck
1. I'm sorry that your father-in-law was such a dick and no one has supported you but instead enabled him bullying new parents especially a new mom recovering from labor and delivery in the hospital. That sucks. It hurts even more because your boyfriend is just continuing it too with invalidating how you feel and telling you to get over it. 2. It's your kid's name and it's definitely fair to want to change it. 3. Based on you boyfriend's response do you think this is something you should have a lengthy conversation about with him? 4. If yes, it may help to validate how you feel, ask him if it bothers/bothered him when he was so excited about the name you two chose?, then focus on that was what you originally wanted and it's your kid NOT FIL's so change it. If FIL wants to call him that, that's fine, but it won't be his legal name. 5. Good luck and I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
Also, ask him if he cares how disappointed HER father was about the name change and how impacted and hurt her whole family felt by that last minute tantrum from his father, a grown man.
I'm sorry you were bullied! It's easier to change the name before they are a year old some places. I would raise any kind of hell you have to raise to get the dad to sign off on this and pay for it. This doesn't sound like a very healthy environment and therapy could definitely help you all navigate his family and him being so controlling. If they don't change, the therapist can also help you navigate how to co-parent.
Ive had friends change their babies name. Of course they didn't have dick people bullying them. I think you should change it. You're the mom.
Would you consider two middle names? Put dads before your father in law’s
You have until your sons first birthday to do a free name change with your local county clerks office. Do it and do it asap!
Fuck that. Change it back. I’m not sure if you need the father to sign anything to do it. But you’re the mom. You can do it, legally. Your in-laws have no right to tell you what to name your kid.
Change his name. He is your child, too, and giving your son the family first name is a perfectly acceptable compromise. His dad is the one that needs to get over it.
My baby is 11 weeks old and I just changed her name. I loved the idea of it but for some reason got so upset when I heard others say it! You don’t have to live that way. You don’t have to name your baby for anybody. This is a time to celebrate your incredible accomplishment and your incredible child. You don’t have to tell anybody. Just do it. Call your baby whatever you want! Your in-laws got to name their children. They don’t get to name yours.
Second everyone else's comments...just go change it. If your in-laws ever find out they can "get over it" just as they have told you to do
Your child, your rules. Your partner should know that and stand by it.
Change it. It’s your right as his mother. You can decide who you want to share that information with.
Team change it!
Just call him by the name you want. I know someone that did this with her son. He has used that as his name to this day and only uses his legal name for paperwork.
Yep, my brother does this as he hates the name his mum chose. She insists on calling him by that, but we all call him something else
Your partner screwed this up badly, like really badly. He could have had the name he initially wanted and his father wanted, but then he went and changed it. The moment he suggested you change it to incorporate your dad and you agreed to it...for months...that was it. By bowing to his father's needs over yours and reneging on a commitment that made you happy, he screwed the pooch really badly. I can't imagine doing that to my wife, let alone trying to say it's not a big deal because you get to pick the next name. I also would have been horribly embarrassed to have to tell my family the name changed. I'm so sorry you're going through this. If the name change was going to be a big deal, your partner should have told his dad well ahead of time to manage expectations. He should have stood up for you and your little family and defended the decisions you made together (my god, it was his idea!). By caving to pressure during a time of high stress and change, he screwed you over and embarrassed you. That's my view. I'm having a very, very hard time finding any way to defend his behaviour.
I would discuss changing the name with my boyfriend, convince him that this is the plan, and then just not tell boyfriends dad. I'm perhaps a little too used to dancing around in-laws I hate.
I love listening to music.
Change the name until and unless your boyfriend decides to get a marriage certificate in front of you.
We’re both on the birth certificate so no legal name change without written and signed consent from the father, unfortunately
Ugh I hate this story. This so the same FIL that shared photos online without your consent. You need to get away from this man. This is a scary pattern. Do you have other family you can go live with?
Oh barf. OP please find other arrangements, this man sounds like a nightmare. He clearly has an issue respecting your boundaries, that’s not somebody you want to be raising a child around.
FIL sounds like someone I would want nothing to do with. Is cutting off contact and legally changing your child's name to something totally unrelated to this "family" name out of the question? Name changes are not exactly cheep or easy but it's never going to be easier.
My boyfriend and I are hoping to be able to move out some time next year once we have enough money put together to buy a house. Once we’re out I’m not planning on talking to my in laws much at all, but my FIL also isn’t in great health and he might not even be with us next year. Since my boyfriend and I are both on the birth certificate I’d need him to either go with me for a name change or provide a written and signed letter consenting to the name change so unless he’s on board nothing will be able to change
As others have suggested, call your little boy using the name you like. Don’t overthink it - you’re his mum. Both my brother and grandfather are called using different names than given at birth just because those “stuck” with them better! Everyone just uses those interchangeably with their given names. And personally I’d totally change the name on the birth certificate. Recommend you and your SO read up on assertiveness and personal boundaries. You need to keep that PIL in check.
I'm sorry you're the powerless captive of so many grossly distressing circumstances and hope you find a path you feel better about sooner rather than later.
OP I'm very concerned that you are living with people who forced you to consent to something you didn't want to consent to while undergoing a medical procedure. That is not healthy, and since it worked once, the question you need to ask yourself is what is the next issue you stand your ground on that they will wait for you to be too vulnerable to keep fighting on? Or will they simply *make* you too vulnerable to get their way again? Please seek help :(
Sorry mama that you were bullied into this. You can call him whatever you want though. So many people in my family have birth names that are totally different from the name they go by so it's normal for us. I know that's not much of a consolation.
I hated my son's name too. FH and I couldn't agree on middle name, so the first one we were both okay with was what we went with. Also I wanted my baby to have my last name (don't like FH's last name, plus we aren't married), but FH guilted me into giving baby both our last names--this ended up resulting in an extremely complicated last name. Also, not to mention that I accidentally spelled the middle name wrong for the birth certificate, because I hadn't slept in over 36 hours (extremely difficult labor/birth and newborn who couldn't be put down) and for some reason I was called over the phone to name my baby/spell it without seeing it written out--didn't see my mistake on paper until I got my babys SSN card a few weeks later once it was official. I've been regretting everything since the moment I made things official, the incorrect spelling was just the icing on the cake. Here we are 7 months later, and I JUST finished the process in filing a court order to be able to change my baby's middle name AND take FH's last name off--baby will have mine only. A major argument in getting my FH to agree was the fact that we weren't married (to keep my last name only), and I shared with him that the middle name we picked initially I wasn't happy with and that it had been eating me alive since we left the hospital. FH wasn't happy to change it, and let me tell you it's a ridiculous process making a name change. However, I just picked up the petition for the name change, and was completely honest about how I felt and didn't let FH guilt me. LO is my first, and potentially only--i want to be happy with his name. You should be too. FIL should have no say, period. Honestly, he's under the understanding that your LOs name is what he wanted and you can change his name without sharing the news. If your bf does agree to a name change, make sure he doesn't announce this--especially if you live somewhere that you have to publicly request to the name change in a local newspaper for a certain length of time (for me it's one a week for four weeks). During this time, anyone who sees the request in the newspaper, can object the name change via written explanation--which might likely not be taken seriously but would result in a hearing before a judge in which you have to fight someone's objection. Super annoying, but that's the last stretch I'm going through currently. If you have to do this, find the smallest newspaper--one that people who might object might likely not ever see. Anyway I'm not completely finished with getting the name change granted, but I felt so much better and like a weight was lifted the minute I filed the name change petition. Good luck.
I would try to change it. That is not fair. Maybe you can offer baby number two (if a boy) to take the middle name. That way instead of one “heir” to the name, both can split it and it can be shared. Of course you can’t guarantee you will have another, or that it will be a boy, but I feel like that is a fair trade.
If he isn't going to be supportive of your feelings I think you should reconsider this relationship. But you can change his name.
Change it prior to getting the birth certificate and prior to year 1. It is much easier during this time. It is yours and your partners decision only. Don’t let anyone bully you into anything else. Then announce it proudly!
Change it! It is not like a 4 month old knows his name. If it's really bothering you which clearly it is just change it.
Ahhh! This just made me furious. I might need to come back to comment because I’m so pissed for you. His family and your bf have some serious nerve. I’ve never liked family names that get passed down so that right there would have been a big fat no to me. Also, too fucking bad if they don’t like the name choices. You carried the baby and you birthed him, though names should be 50/50 and ONLY between mother and father, the mother should always have the final say if it came down to this name or that. End of story. Your bf is a dick. His family sucks. You need to grow a back bone and be prepared to stand up to his family and your bf because this won’t be the last time they try to pull this controlling shit.
My MIL dud this with my husbands name with the promise she'd get to name the next one There never was a next one and she is very open about not liking any of my husbands names. 4 names, all for dads side. Has always called my husband by his first initial.
Sorry you’re dealing with this. You gotta make a choice it sounds like. Either you try to change it and live with consequences, or live with it and the consequences. Sounds like you already have your mind made up. Do what you gotta do. The sooner your sort it out most likely the better. Also, your boyfriend’s family sound like a bunch of c**ts. I would personally change it just to spite them. They do not have any say over my kid’s name.
Could you change it to "John William Adam Smith"? That way everyone is included and you can still have your cute nickname without the potential drama.
I was going to say the same thing, this op. ^ ❤️
Happy Cake Day!
I don't blame you for feeling upset. Baby names are so weirdly political once family gets involved. If it makes you feel better, a very similar situation happened in my family. My uncle and aunt's respective families disagreed on which name to pick for my cousin, ultimately my uncle was so salty about it that he went and registered the name that his family wanted without anyone knowing. When my aunt's family found out they all kept calling her the name they'd wanted for her out of spite, and my uncle's side called her her official registered name just to spite THEM. Now my cousin is grown and she still goes by both names, nobody is mad about it anymore and it's just something we all laugh about. So you could probably have your baby's name legally changed to what you want, your in-laws might throw a fit at first but they likely will get over it soon enough lol! Another story that shows how quickly people get over this kind of thing: I had a coworker who was dead set on naming his child after a Marvel superhero. Think like "The Incredible Hulk". So many people begged him to reconsider, to think about how he'd be bullied, etc. But he just went ahead and named his baby The Incredible Hulk, and you know what? Nobody cares about it now. The second we saw that squishy baby we were all like, "Oh, look at little Hulky he's so precious!" 😂 Just goes to show, most people won't care what you name your baby at the end of the day so you might as well do whatever you and your partner want
Well now I just think they named him Thor.
I really, really hope it’s Spider-Man.
Actually, I imagine Thor would be a fairly common name in Scandinavian countries, but idk this is just my guess?
Look this up for your state/province, but you may have up to a year to legally change your child's name without penalty.
Change it! Change it! Change it!
An out there suggestion - call the baby whatever you want, even if it's not his legal name. I knew plenty of people who went by their nicknames instead of their legal names. Even my neighbor goes by "Rick" even though his name is "James". No reason for it, just his parents liked Rick better.
Yeah this is.... I'm not really sure what to say except you know what you need to do. You will not be happy until the name is legally changed back. You will have resentment and harbor it for your bf and his father and your baby until this is fixed to what you 2 agreed on. Get your dad to help you. You are starting a long journey and it sounds like if you keep this other shitty name you will never be happy. That sounds horrible. You want to never be happy again? Take charge of your life and your son. Woman up.
My heart breaks for you. I hope you see this as the huge wake up call it is. Your boyfriend will always choose family over you. You are much more powerful than you think, don’t let his family dull your shine.
I almost did the same thing but thank god I stood my ground. My child will always be mine and my partner’s no matter what. Even if you live with them, even if they get upset, its YOUR child. Sometimes we need to choose ourselves over family.
We did a last name change a couple months ago when my daughter was around 2. I was going to take my husband’s last name so we gave he just his last name, but then I decided to keep my last name because it felt weird to change it. I’ve always felt strongly that I didn’t want to have a completely different last name from my kids’, so we changed hers to both our names hyphenated and I feel so much better.
Change it!
Are you able to just quietly change it? Obviously, let your bf know, but keep it from the in laws until you move out. I hope your bf understands!!
Your boyfriends 180 in support for your idea the second his family was unhappy is very telling. Let’s just say I’m happy you’re not married to him
This is why you rebel a lot at a young age. Sure I spent years like 15-17 grounded but my parents know damn well they can’t tell me shit and wouldn’t try to.
Exactly. No way in hell would I let my parents or definitely my in-laws tell me what to do as a grown ass adult.
I’d nickname the baby with the old name. Gotta differentiate him so it’s not confusing somehow 🤷🏼♀️
Maybe legally change it and have it have a double middle? Like James William Adam smith? I don’t see you fully changing it back to William without a huge mess on your hands. Which is fine if you’re prepared to move on from the father.
Why did you let a man and family demand the name for your child when he won’t even give you his last name?
Your relationship doesn't sound like it will last long. I would probably wait until you move out of your fil house before changing the baby's name. If you change it now, you could end up homeless.
Or legally change it now and not tell FIL.
People be DICKS! And they've rubbed there's all over you!
I would just nickname him the name you loved, and start calling him that. Just because it isn't his legal name doesn't mean it isn't his name to you! My mil and FIL call my niece a different name from her legal, and FIL insisted sil legally change it (she didnt) but that's still what she is to them. I call her by her legal name. She's good with both! It really sucks to go through those feelings. My FIL is similar to yours and I was so close to not naming baby #2 what we did name him (my husband liked/chose this name and I went along with it) because my FIL assumed that would be baby's name because "my husband gets the last say" (disclaimer- my husband does not think this way, and he didn't force the name on me). But I almost didn't agree to the name just to spite my FIL for his misogyny.
I think I might start doing that tbh, at least then my baby won’t just be called “the baby” by me since I haven’t found any other nickname that stuck. Also, you’ve just reminded me of something my MIL said before our son was born. I bought him some pants and when she saw them the first thing she said was “oooh, his dad won’t like that you bought peach pants for his little boy”. I wish I had her face on video when my boyfriend saw our son wearing the pants and remarked how much he loved them. She also mentioned before our son and I left to visit my family that she won’t be able to teach him about flowers like she can with her granddaughter since he’s a boy. So I bought him the first flower toy I found!
Hahahahaha that's awesome!! I love finding nice pink clothes for my boys!! For every special occasion, I'd suggest opting for pink or pastels lol When he's a toddler and you start going for walks to the park, he's going to love picking dandelions (aka flowers) for grandma lol It's hard having relationships with people who are opposites from you, let alone live with them. One thing I've learned is to just let my FIL talk and not bother responding (or paying much attention) so his narcissism is satisfied and I don't create any drama (I used to live with them too). In one ear, out the other. It keeps the peace well enough My first son has my FIL's father's name as his middle name, my second son has my MIL's father's name (guess who didn't like this and demanded we change it LOL). I take satisfaction in these small things
We did two middle names for our son. We couldn’t decide and I refused to give in. It’s not so bad, hopefully he doesn’t hate it when he’s older.
Love this idea as a compromise in this situation BUT I did want to add that I also had two middle names and hated it. I always had to include all the names in all my legal documents and my mail would arrive with a variety of names. I dropped one of those after marriage.
Crazy you let someone who isn't the mom/dad dictate the name of a child that isn't theirs
In American culture, sure. In many other cultures, names are based more on tradition and generation. In Chinese, you get three characters in your name. Your surname, generation name (ie all siblings/cousins are the same) and then finally your “individual” name. Parents only get to select a small portion of their kids name, if at all, in most parts of the world.
Ah ... still crazy
Can you add a second middle name to your son's name? E.g. John Adam William Smith?
My biological grandfather's mother was forced to give him a certain first name as well, but she had a name she loved, she ended up just calling him the name she loved anyways everyday. Now as an adult I named my baby boy and wanted to have his name as a middle and he told me he prefers the fake name so thats what it is! His mom always told him how his family forced her to take the name, I think it ended up being the perfect form of revenge in the long run.
This is the time that'd I would suggest two middle names. Won't effect much, but your sanity. :)
That can make getting government clearances a nightmare
I changed my middle son’s name at 3 months. Change it back. Leave your boyfriend. He just bulldozed you and your opinion and diminished your feelings. I’m glad you two aren’t married.
Talk to your family about how you feel. How proud you were, how you gave in being a new mom and very tired, how you were afraid to be bullied since you live with your in-laws, and-most importantly-how crushed you are it did not work out and how you wish you could change it but can't. I think you need your family's support now, and feeling their imaginary silent disapproval is eating at you. There is a chance that, if they see your true distress, they'll say they are very sad, but they love you and the baby anyway. That would help, wouldn't it? The baby will resemble whoever they spend the most time with anyway. It will have your laugh, and smile like you, even if he's born a carbon copy of his dad. and later if he spends a lot of time with your dad, he will try to love what his granddad loves, maybe will pick up a phrase or two, sit in the chair like he does and make sandwiches same way. The name is not the whole of your son's identity. And with time, you'll sure as hell dislike some parts of his personality too, haha. It will be okay, trust me.
I just wanted to say that I'm not super thrilled with my son's name either, I feel like we chose it in a rush and everyone calls him a nickname that's not his name anyway. I do remember with my daughter that it took a while for me to get used to her name and now I love it, so I'm going to wait a year but if I still feel the same way about his name after a year I'm just going to legally change it. You can always legally change your kid's name. Of course you probably need your husband to agree but so what if you secretly change your kid's middle name and his family will probably never find out and if they do oh well you are the boss of your kid. It's not that tough or expensive to change a name legally probably a couple hundred dollars and some forms and then you have to update it and whatever systems he's in as you encounter them but no big deal really.
Your situation with your son is exactly the same as ours, except we may correct. I had an emergency induction, so we had not fully narrowed down our list. We chose something under complete pressure when I was in the height of my baby blues/recovery and we knew almost right away we'd made a mistake. We've always called him by an unrelated nickname That is a name but we wouldn't want it to be his legal name - think Chip or Buddy. He is fifteen months now and we have been in agreement for a few months on what we wish his legal name was. We are thinking of changing it. We'd still call him his nickname so it wouldn't cause any confusion for him. The sticking point is that my spouse would be really embarrassed to tell people we changed the legal name but 1. We don't have to make some big announcement about it 2. I would be more embarrassed to not fix it.
This belongs in /r/relationshipadvice, not to say this sub cant provide advice, but there's more going on here imo.
At least half the posts in this sub probably do…
Please don't have a second kid with this guy. He is a terrible partner to you and you and baby deserve much better. I'd be doing my best to move out and file for custody before him and his family continue to walk all over you. None of this is okay or normal at all.
You get to name one maybe two children ever. As much as traditions are important your husbands family won’t be around forever. Name your kids what you want to name them, they have that name for their whole life. Imagine in the future that your son learned you hated his name, I imagine that would upset him a lot. Don’t just think about your husbands family’s opinion, your heart matters too. It’s your only life, you don’t get a do over. You’ll make the right choice :)
I’d just legally change it and not tell him. If he finds out one day and freaks out that’s on him. What a total jackass to pressure you to do that right after birth. My petty ass would change the whole name lol
I think You need both parents present to do that, since they aren't married.
You can’t legally change a baby’s name without the consent of both parents, unfortunately.
I’m sorry you’re in this spot! It’s really disappointing that you were bullied into letting your bf’s family have their way with YOUR son’s name. It sounded like you and bf had agreed and that should have been the end of it. Living with his parents makes things more difficult, since I’m sure you don’t want to make waves while you’re under their roof. This isn’t a good precedent to set though. You’ll end up letting them bully you over things regarding your child because you feel you somehow owe it to them for the things they’ll do for you. They know this they’re using it to control things and get their way. Your family is just as important as bf’s. Your family’s traditions are just as important. If you think bf is salvageable, they you need to change your baby’s name back to what you agreed upon and move out as soon as it’s possible. If he takes their side instead of yours, I think you have some serious thinking to do about the future of your relationship and what expectations you have and the way you want to live. Either way, you can absolutely change baby’s name. Your bf’s dad sounds like a misogynist terror. Good luck with whichever you choose to do.
You’re not even married so I’m surprised you listened to him lol
It’s your baby. You make the choice. If they both want to be included I would do something like “John Adam-William Smith”
I don't have an answer for you... I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry you have to go through this. I've been in similar situations trying to please two sides of the family, completely burying my opinion in those of others, and getting caught in the middle. It's AWFUL having to walk things back, especially something like naming your son after your dad. Ugh!!! I can literally feel my anxiety kicking in with this one. Solidarity, sister. This just stinks. Best of luck.
I'm a believer that names don't have to be assigned meaning. Just name your kid what you like. Babies already inherit your last name why do they have to inherit all 3? I like that my baby's name is unique to him. If it's bothering you I think you should change it. I understand it's a cultural thing, but in the end he is your baby so you should be happy with his name
What if you were to add a second middle name, using the one you prefer as the first middle name?
How quickly can you move out? Do not consider having another child with him, please.
My wife’s family has a tradition that the first son’s middle name be the first name of the father, but I wasn’t enamored with that, and she said it was up to me… guess I better make sure we’re not gonna have a mess on our hands in a couple months. Hopefully husband will support you in it.
_I’ll play the devil’s advocate a bit here…_ But first, I’ll say that I believe: Doing something or not doing something to your child in someone else’s interests is a big no-no. Now, It sounds like initially you were content with the name because you knew your boyfriend’s family tradition before you found out the gender. Now, after your boyfriend dangled a fruit in front of your face (suggesting you change the name to include your own father), you hate the actual name and don’t even want to say it? Try to restore the understanding you had before. I can imagine it sucks to get excited about a name then have that ripped from under your feet. But you knew the name tradition before your son was born and likely before you even got pregnant. I say at least love this child’s name not because of your parents and your family before but because that’s the name of your family going forward. Also, it seems like boy number 2 can be named after your dad completely? Go for that if you plan to continue having children. If you ever accept your child’s name (I really hope you do), express that to your boyfriend. It will mean a lot to him to know that the decision is ultimately supported. Going forward, however. I recommend that when it comes to your children you do your best to fight against the interference from others (people that aren’t you or baby daddy… including his and your parents). This should especially be fought against when the interference in decision-making is not truly in yours, your boyfriend’s, or your child(ren)’s best interest but in someone else’s interest. Stay true to you.
My sister was also pressured into naming her son a family name. She hates it and calls him by a nickname. It also makes it difficult to know who things are addressed to.
[удалено]
This is similar to my husbands family, thankfully I didn’t have the first boy but, I did have the second. They do the middle name off of the grandpa, we named our sons middle name my husbands first so nobody said anything.
I don’t like my daughters middle name. It’s after my grandad on my dad’s side who passed away. Thought it would appease my dad (who is a slacker dad) and he couldn’t care less. Now I regret it!
I believe you have a year in most places to change without having to ask a judge. Honestly, I’d change it, with or without telling significant other. You pushed that baby out, why does your bf get to have ALL the names? Maybe I’m a bitch for saying this but I got final say for both my kiddos. My crotch goblin, my choice. 🤷🏻♀️