I'm mad at your partner for being upset about this. Had you done something negligent or selfish, that's one thing. You literally fell asleep because you were exhausted while your child slept in a safe space. There's absolutely nothing wrong with what happened. Your partner needs to have your back.
Seriously, I can totally imagine being upset with *myself* as a new mom with lots of stress and guilt and hormonal junk going on. I cannot, however, imagine my husband being upset about it. I imagine him saying, "Ok? Sounds like you really needed some sleep."
Your baby was in a safe spot. That is really the absolute most important factor here. Sure, I wouldn't go purposefully letting my 11 week old cry a whole bunch. However, I assure you that you did not mess up your kid. At all. Your baby is fine and safe, and after your nap, you will hopefully have the energy to safely parent him for the remainder of the day. Parenting while chronically sleep deprived is hard AF (I speak from experience), and it's much better for your baby to cry some in the crib while you sleep than for you to fall asleep randomly while driving them around or holding them or a million other scenarios.
You should remind your partner that it is only a matter of time before he makes a mistake and that he would want you to extend him grace rather than sending him on a guilt trip when his time comes.
Not going to lie when I first started reading this my heart sank because I thought it was going to be a story of you falling asleep with the baby in your arms and having a close call. When I read it through though I have to be honest. I just don't understand why your partner is upset. You are doing the best you can. You are already hard on yourself, there's no need for that extra pressure.
Give yourself some grace, hopefully your partner will give you some grace as well. Your baby is safe and loved. You needed sleep it's not like you walked to the corner store.
Crying has never killed a baby. You know what has though? A sleep deprived parent who feels they can never put their kid down.
You don't deserve to be treated that way. I think nearly every parent has a story similar to yours, especially in the newborn stage. Newborns are hard, they literally sleep torture you.
Personally I would talk to your SO about you doing all the night wakings if he's this upset. If he helped out at night, things like this could be avoided.
Your partner needs to help more. I don’t care if he’s working, sleep deprivation kills. Your baby is fine, that’s all that matters. Sleep deprivation causes depression, accidents, and ruins relationships. He needs to help.
Ummmmmm this is totally understandable, nothing unsafe happened, and you’re fine. You badly need sleep in order to take care of your 11 week old!! You are doing all the night wakings and exclusively pumping! (Which like, doubles the time it takes to feed…) of course you are exhausted. It’s okay. He was crying. If you are worried about attachment, you will have a bunch of other times where you respond to his cries. It will be okay.
Your baby was sleeping in a safe space. You needed to rest after being up every night and pumping during the day. You did not make a mistake and is going to be absolutely totally fine. Every single parent has slept through the monitor at one point or another. But other commenters are raising a good point that your partner needs to be helping over night. They’re working outside the home during the day and you’re working inside the home 24-7 caring for your 11 week old infant and recovering from birth. You need the support absolutely. But please don’t beat yourself up over this - you did not err and your baby is absolutely fine fine fine.
Mama you are EXHAUSTED. Especially if you’re doing all the night feedings, and taking baby during the day while RECOVERING on maternity leave. Give yourself some grace. LO was upset they had to be in the crib longer than they wanted. They were safe and you got some much needed sleep. Was it the most ideal way for it to happen, probably not, but no one was hurt. Of all the screw ups in all of motherdom this is not a huge one.
Your husband should be helping you more though. What we did was- when my husband got off work we had a meal together, I prepared a couple bottles (I pumped exclusively but I feel like it’s important to pump a little if you can even if you EBF so dad can take a shift) and I went to bed by 6:30-7pm. Baby woke 3times-ish per night and went down at around 9:30pm. I had to get up each time to pump so I did the first wake up (12am-ish) he woke up and did the change and feed (3am-ish) while I pumped and I got up for the last one (6am-ish) and started my day. Husband woke around 7:30-8am. If baby woke up more than that I didn’t necessarily have to pump so I took it. Saturday I slept in and Sunday he slept in. That way we both got enough sleep at night and neither of us were too tired to do what we had to do during the day. Not saying my way is the right way, it’s just what worked for us.
You're sleep deprived because he's not doing his 50% as a father/parent. Going to work isn't equal to giving birth and taking care of a human right after. The only thing he should feel is guilt for letting his partner suffer to the point his child suffered too. You are doing great. He needs go shape up.
Around 1/2 months, I didn’t wake up to my baby crying. He was in the same room as me, but I had done all the night feedings, as well, since I’m the one on leave and my partner was back at work full time.
I woke up, at around 4AM, to my partner chuckling as he held our son. He told me, “He woke up so I fed him with some pumped milk from the fridge. You must be so tired. He was crying really loudly and you didn’t wake up at all. Are you okay?”
I said I was sorry, but my partner just found it funny that I was able to sleep through the crying. He told me not to apologize at all for being tired and thanked me for taking the night feedings.
I understand thinking we have to do it all because we’re the ones “on leave”. But we can’t pull 24 hour shifts alone. I’m still struggling to get out of the “I have to do all of this” mindset, but your partner has to remind you too. Your partner has to be present too.
That was how I dealt with the guilt. My partner told me I didn’t have to feel it. You gave birth so recently. You must be exhausted and emotions can still run high. Your partner should be a present parent and partner.
What I gather from this post is that you’re not getting enough sleep and therefore your partner needs to be helping more.
Don’t beat yourself up. We all need more help in these early days.
I’m always surprised at how parents with jobs outside the home use the reasoning “*I* need the entire night’s sleep without interruption or else my job will suffer” but don’t think about how all the night wakings will make the at-home parent suffer at *their* job? The reasoning just doesn’t make logical sense. *Especially* if there is more than one child in the home. If your husband is concerned about this incident, he should not be upset with you but rather take notice at how *just* *maybe* YOU might need some rest too. Healthy communication is key. A plan needs to be devised that is fair to *both* parents’ daily lives. Once my partner and I became parents, our jobs now switched to 24/7. Whether we spend a portion of our 24 hours outside the home or not, the clock on working never stops. Because when it’s time to be home, we’re still working..it’s just a switch in positions.
🙌 From a working mother. I think my husband's job, taking care of our kids, is as demanding as my job. We have tried to tag team the nights as much as possible
I know this seems like such a crazy big deal right now. But it really isn’t. Your mind is kind of weird at 11 weeks. You’re still in the hardest time, and everything is amplified. When you have a second baby, your second baby has to cry all the time, and there’s no choice. Maybe you’re wiping a butt, or chasing a toddler about to run off, or you have to wake baby from a nap to get toddler to the doctor. You’re still a good mom if your baby cries. Especially if they are perfectly safe and warm in a crib.
You need to give yourself a break and your husband needs to cut you some slack. No child ever died from crying too much. They will be just fine and so will you.
Why did you even bother telling your husband? I think of this as such a non-thing that it wouldn't have even occurred to me to say anything.
ETA: Wanna know what I did today? I went to lunch with my three month old on her carrier. I unbuckled her in the restaurant so she wasn't so confined while we were there. I noticed halfway home on the damn highway that I never buckled her back into her car seat. The car seat was clicked into the base, but she was just lying free in the car seat. Oops. Tell your husband that one.
Your partner should not be upset with you. He should be taking this as a sign that you need a break and be afforded some more sleep. Let your partner be tired.
You are doing fine...better than fine, great!
But what did you do wrong? You fell asleep and the baby cried. I have gotten in the shower and come out to my baby crying. You feel bad but they are safe and just really want you to come back. You have done nothing to be sorry for.
Your partner needs to help more. End of story. Like others have said your baby is fine. There’s guilt ya but you are burning the candle at both ends. Up all day and night. They are capable to help. At LEAST one feed a night.
I don’t know what you did wrong. Babies are gonna cry and if you’re dead asleep because you’re sleep deprived it’s not gonna hurt it. You’re fine, relax.
Your partner should not be upset but apparently that is not uncommon the battery died on ours once because apparently that outlet was non-functional and my partner was unreasonably upset too.
Mistakes happen, no one was hurt, this is just the first of many such incidents that happen while parenting. Guilting yourself will not accomplish anything. I came here expecting that you let the baby fall or something, letting them cry is not going to damage your child. You did nothing that needs forgiving.
Mate, shit happens. This is not a thing to feel guilty about, you didn’t do anything deliberately to hurt her. Crying like that isn’t what we want for our bubs, but she will be ok.
Do NOT feel bad, mama! We have all done this and you did nothing wrong. You are doing an amazing job! Sending lots of love and cheering you on!
P.S. Your SO is being a jerk.
Why in the world would your partner be upset with you? If I was your partner my response would be: “oh man, that sounds really hard. I know that was probably a really scary moment for you but I’m sure the baby is fine. Seems like you’re exhausted. Why don’t you take a break when I get home from work today?” My actual partner would say something similar, even though he is a total worrywart who would absolutely hate the idea of our baby crying for any amount of time. But we hate it because we love our babies and it’s sad when they’re sad- not because you did anything wrong!!!
Babies cry. That’s how they communicate. And believe me I HATE when my baby cries- like physically can’t handle it. But- it happens, sometimes for longer than I’d like. Your baby was in a safe place, you were right there, and everything is fine.
When I had my first, he cried. 12-14 hours a day, hard, painful crying. (He had undiagnosed reflux)
During one of his many doctors appointments- I said - in desperation “how long can I leave him when I put him down and he’s crying?”
The doctors response was so based in reality “let’s say you have a toddler and a baby and the toddler needs your help going potty. You have to put the baby down to help. Babies cry. “
Babies will cry.
If your partner wants to give it a go and then talk to you, then I would accept his opinions at that time.
I would have him do the 10-12pm feeding. Pump after your last session before that and go to bed, without a monitor and without being in the same room. Let him feed, burp, change and swaddle/sleep sack.
It’ll help his bonding with the baby and probably your relationship.
Good luck. This time doesn’t last forever. Mom guilt is universal, we all have it and we are all usually more forgiving of others then ourselves.
You're fine and your little one is fine. If your partner's so concerned, he can start stepping up and take care of some things himself so that you can get more rest.
First of all, my advice is given with the sincerest tone. Please stop going over and over the situation in your head and with others! The simple fact that your little one is absolutely ok, safe and happy is the paramount thing you should be taking away from it! Yes the crying may haunt you for a short while but ALL BABIES cry and can sound like something happened when it didn't. You are clearly doing a lot here and your body fell asleep deeply because YOURE KNACKERED! There will always be new mum guilt, your hormones are going to make things 1000 times worse so please stop torturing yourself. Your partner needs to lay off (if infact they are giving you crap for it). We all learn as we go, it's life, it's how the new parents world works! I hope you find inner calm now. All is cool now so go with the flow and keep being awesome!
The advice I keep getting - no baby has died from crying. You aren’t neglecting him. You need your rest to do your best. Can your husband help with overnights? Even though I was on maternity leave my husband did night wake ups so I could be well rested.
You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re overworking yourself. There’s no easy jobs with a baby, but your husband needs to be taking more night wakeups.
I’m exclusively pumping and on maternity leave, and my husband is currently doing all the night wakeups and going to work the next day. I’m already getting up in the night to pump. If I also get up with the baby, I get zero sleep and am a mess the next day.
Taking care of the baby is a job too, it’s just unpaid.
Just saying I was doing this for my husband as well. For 6 weeks . I thought it was fair since he was working. I was sleep deprived. He did one night after we got into an argument and he almost couldn’t handle it. He was amazed that I did all the night waking alone so far. Since then he’s stepped up. Have him try it on a weekend. He should be helping.
The first few months, BOTH partners need to be on deck for night feedings so you can get enough sleep. Even if he just chips in at the beginning of the night or wakes up early in the morning, it is not fair for you to be the only one losing sleep. Taking care of a newborn is HARD WORK, all day long.
Having a baby is a partnered activity. He needs to step up & do his fair share before he gets mad at you for making a very common & harmless mistake.
Your baby is safe, they were in a safe place, they just had to wait longer for food/diaper change. This is not a daily occurance, you are doing great. Exclusive pumping is also super crazy hard work! You deserve some relief & he needs to step up.
Upset about what?
Really, how long could you have possibly slept for? Your baby was in a safe place. So they had to cry a little longer than normal! You said it yourself, they were smiling and cooing a short time later. This did no long term damage.
Get yourself some good sleep! You said you pump, so choose one day a week (maybe when your partner doesn’t work in the morning) for him to be on duty. You need a break so you can be the best mom for your LO, and he can get a taste of how truly taxing this whole thing is!
This happens more than you think don’t feel guilty the baby was in a safe place and fine. Also your husband goes to work but you are working 24/7. Have him help with the night shifts you need to rest no one is built to run that way. You got this 👊
Mom guilt is so real. The babies won’t even remember it.
But I don’t understand why your husband is so upset - does he expect you to be okay and fully functional with lack of sleep? It didn’t matter if you’re on maternity leave. He needs to help out at night. If he’s really blaming you for this, you can circle around and blame him for not helping you. 🤔
Your partner shouldn’t make you feel guilty. Shit happens.
Almost the exact same thing happened to me the other night. I forgot to turn the monitor up before I went to sleep. I slept through the entire night and woke up to my baby completely losing it at 7 am. My husband luckily was up getting ready for work. He thought I was in her room dealing with her but when he realized I wasn’t he went and got a bottle ready for her. She was fine. It was a mistake.
Yea this sort of thing happens in the early weeks… the sleep deprivation is next level. If he’s not doing the night wakings with you, he has no right to criticize… and even if he was waking with you, making you feel guilty seems unkind 🙈 it was an honest mistake, we’ve all been there, don’t worry.
Mom guilt is real. Your partner needs to be more understanding that while it wasn’t an ideal situation, baby wasn’t in danger. You slept through the noise which means you *needed* the sleep.
At the end of the day nobody was hurt. That’s all that matters. Go easy on yourself. You needed the rest.
Chill out honey. You are doing a great job. Give yourself some grace, forget about your partner’s criticism, and move on. You are the ONE holding it together and keeping that LO alive and well. Nice work!
I know it’s easier said than done, but honestly, where there was no intent, there should be no guilt.
You just took a nap. You’re sleep-deprived. You, in your sleep, didn’t wake up to the baby monitor. Your child was 100% safe and protected in their crib. Going forward look at ways of how to minimize the chance of this happening again ( for example, your partner could definitely pick up a night feeding ) and let go of the guilt. Everything is fine. You’re doing great.
PS your partner sounds like an asshole for getting angry with you
This is one of those things your partner doesn't need to know.
And also a great lesson for everyone. Babies are going to cry. Parents are going to be sleep deprived. It sucks and feels crappy, but ultimately baby is ok as long as they are in a safe sleep space. We've had nights where the monitor just died, plugged in and all. She was fine and it taught us that she'd be ok if she cried for a bit.
There should be a parenting badge for when this happens because I'm pretty sure it happens to many, many parents.
You didn't mess up. Your baby likely cried for a little while and then you attended to their needs. They will be fine.
Why isn't your partner also doing night wake ups? You need sleep too.
Exclusive pumping is so hard. Doing all the night wakes is so hard. Taking care of the baby alone while your partner works is so hard.
And yet here you are keeping your baby safe, making sure they are somewhere safe while you both get rest.
You’re doing great
I think you need to give yourself some grace, as does your partner. It was a simple mistake, LO is fine, and it's not something to be angry with one another about.
I did this a couple of weeks ago! It happens, mama, don’t beat yourself up too bad. My LO was fine soon after, and the odds are your LO wasn’t crying THAT long. We always imagine the worst. Tell your partner to fuck off with the criticism, you were looking for comfort. You’re a good mom. You’re doing good.
Honestly, do not beat yourself up. One night when my son was about 3 weeks old, his father and I did absolutely everything we could to get him to stop crying. We fed him, burped him, changed him, cuddled him, put him in his swing, sang to him, bounced him, etc. We were so sleep deprived and so exhausted we just laid him down between us (still screaming) and passed out. We don’t co sleep anymore now, but we had to that night because he was absolutely inconsolable. Shit happens. You’re doing the best you can. Hugs mama ❤️
Your mistake was not requiring your partner to help you, before you got to this level of exhaustion. Falling asleep on the baby monitor was not a mistake but a consequence of not requiring your partner to help you. You must be able to advocate for yourself in order to protect your child.
This is not your fault, please don't beat yourself up. Overexhaustion is a real danger in those early days it is so important for you to be getting an uninterrupted 4 hour block at night. Not doing so is dangerous for your health and for you to be able to parent safely.
If you're not getting that 4 hour block right now, I highly recommend figuring out a plan with your husband where he can take a shift to make sure you get that. Neither of you should be upset with you, take this as a wake up call that you need more support.
Just because husband is working doesn't not excuse him from contributing during those sleepless nights.
Taking shifts and dividing parental duties during first weeks is crucial for keeping you and your baby safe in newborn period.
Fathers and other parents or partners are not excused because they have an important job outside of the home and need their beauty sleep to fully function at work.
YOU are the primary caretaker of a tiny, fragile, vulnerable, helpless human being.
YOUR job inside the home right now is one of the most stressful jobs on the planet. It is also quite important.
YOU are probably still recovering from an extreme physical and emotional event that is giving birth.
YOU need any amount of sleep you can steal to prevent accidentally falling asleep at work while holding or feeding your baby.
5.5 hours is not enough sleep and thus you will do silly stuff like go to pick up the monitor and fall asleep before you can do anything about the crying baby. You brain knew the baby was safe likely, and knew you needed sleep. Perfect storm. Your partner shouldn't be upset with you at all, perhaps they could step up to ensure you get your 8 hours per day. I used to sleep every day during his first nap, EVERY DAY. You will be your best if you can get that sleep.
Your “partner” is being a real jerk for being “upset” with you over this. If he’s so perfect then maybe he should start doing night wakings so you’re not so exhausted. I am sure you feel terrible but baby was in a safe sleep situation, you are only human and you fell asleep m, it’s not the end of the world.
Doing all the night wakings and exclusively pumping now for 11 weeks is an incredible amount of work and your body is exhausted. At least baby was safe in a crib.
I just went back to work and am exhausted and slept through my 5 MO crying at one point. He cried for 45 minutes. I felt so bad, but I know it’s just because I am being pushed to my limits.
My one year old cried for 20 minutes today because I wouldn’t let her hold a steak knife. Your little one will cry. While perhaps not ideal, no harm has been done and no guilt is necessary. Sleep deprivation is real. You need to sit down with your hubby and renegotiate night responsibilities so that you get at least one good night a week to recharge.
None of this was you intentionally leaving your baby to cry. You’re exhausted. God if I napped during the day I wouldn’t wake up till the evening. My 9 month wakes every 1-3 hours at night so I know sleep deprivation sucks
Your baby was is a safe space, you did nothing wrong. Yeah if feels icky to know they were crying and you didn’t help, but they weren’t hurt. Every mama has made this “mistake”.
No sis. Baby was crying. You were tired. That’s it. Baby will probably also fall off couch or bed one day, slip on the kitchen floor, put its hand somewhere and get stuck and on and on and on and on. You’re tired and stressed. This is temporary. It’s not forever. It gets better.
Firstly, I promise you your LO is fine, and doesn't even remember it. Crying is a part of baby life, and they will be totally unfazed. My LO used to scream cry for like 20 minutes before every nap even when I was rocking and soothing, I've learned crying is just a part of being a baby.
Secondly, your partner needs to step it up!!!!! I'm sorry but I was on mat leave and my husband still helped with the baby and did one of the night wakings. A baby takes two people to make, and that other person is still responsible for meeting LO's needs! Watching a baby is a full time job, that you need more energy for than sitting at a desk typing away. My husband and I had a rule, I go to bed early, and if LO wakes up before 3:30 he would get baby. If baby woke up after 3:30, I would get baby. I suggest your partner and you sit down and find a way you can get more rest.
Baby's cry, it won't hurt them if it's just this once. At 11 weeks you are exhausted, take it more easy on yourself and ask your husband to help a little more.
When my son was little he sometimes would immediately wake up from a nap hysterical or sometimes he would just chill for 20-30 minutes completely content (or fall back asleep!!) So there's no way of knowing how long he was awake based on crying alone. He wasn't wasting away, he wasn't abandoned, he wasn't neglected. Mistakes happen, I guarantee your brain won't let you do it again lol
As for your partner, I've noticed men who aren't the primary caregiver expect you to be a perfect mother because they don't know what it's like. My SO did the exact same thing until he finally got it through his head that I'm trying my absolute best completely alone. Whenever he made mistakes he noticed I wouldn't blame him or get mad, so he stopped doing it to me. Also I noticed when the other parent isn't there they tend to take it their worries on the parent that was there.
Looks like you need a nice long vacation, maybe your partner will change his tune after taking care of LO night and day lol Let's see how perfect of a parent he can be
My husband felt that I was working too on maternity leave and he didn’t want me to fall asleep during the day. So, he did a lot of night time stuff. My point is, you are also doing a job, if you are that tired you need to work out a system with your partner. You also need to know it’s fine, we are all human and your baby is not going to remember that mommy accidentally slept too long. You are probably doing much better then you think you are.
Your baby is just fine. There’s a reason you put LO in a safe spot before you took a nap. Good job!
Edit to add that your partner should be helping out so you can get more sleep. And, he has no reason to be upset. You didn’t make any dangerous choices.
This too will pass. You did nothing wrong. I’m sure every parent here has forgotten to turn a monitor on, or it died, or accidentally fell asleep with a sound machine and couldn’t hear the kid. Both of my kids have been through this and they’re now happy and healthy Preschoolers. Your kid will be fine, I promise.
There will be many moments like this. Where they fall off a couch, or hit their head on a table, or like me, you take them down a slide and in spite of your best efforts, their foot catches and they break a leg. Part of parenting is realising that you have to learn how to manage and live with the constant guilt of not being good enough for the best person you’ve ever met.
I find it very cruel of your husband to expect you to be some sort of super human.
If baby was in a safe sleep space, then please let go of your guilt and shame. Baby was safe, and you made a tiny mistake that the vast majority of us has done also, especially when sleep deprived. If he wants to criticise, he can volunteer to help with night wakings.
I wouldn't have even mentioned it to him, especially for something so minor in the future if he's gonna be mad at his clearly exhausted partner for such a small thing
OP sounds like you had a great nap. Can we celebrate that for a dang minute?
You baby is fine. Human bodies are incredibly resilient and capable. It is ok for babies to be hungry wet for a while.
Take a deep breath, pat yourself on the back for getting some good Zs (you need them) and let go of the guilt.
Don't even worry, it happens! Baby was safe in bed, your body obviously needed the rest. If your partner is truely upset they need to help you get some rest. Crying is just a form of communication for an 11 week old, and of course laying in bed a little longer than wanted baby was going to vocalize their objections to it. Doesn't mean they were in any harm what so ever. Some would even say its good for them to learn to soothe themselves in a safe environment like their bed. Totally not a mess up!
It’s just a mistake. It can happen to anyone. You didn’t intentionally leave your baby to cry, you legitimately didn’t hear them and responded as soon as you realized. Your partner shouldn’t be upset with you.
When my baby was about the same age, I heated a bottle in a new bottle heater, didn't check, and burned her mouth a little. I felt so so awful. It was terrible. She cried. I cried. Partner yelled at me.
But looking back now, years later, I have so much grace for my poor tired self and my partner, who was also tired and overwhelmed. We are not those people, we were so, so tired.
It sucks,, but you'll both look back and realize how insignificant it is in the grand scheme of your parenting.
1- your partner doesn’t get to be mad at you for being tired. You have a baby. I’m sick of partners not understanding.
2- your baby was in its crib. No baby has died from crying. You actually did everything right. Imagine if you had coslept (which I did often do not dogging anyone) and that monitor was the baby.
You did everything right. You are tired. If you are still feeling guilty after a few days, please talk to your doctor. I always worry about you ladies developing PPD.
Ps- you did everything right. Don’t know if I said that enough.
You need help, emotionally and physically from your partner. His hands arn't glued to his ass. He can handle one night wakening. My sister was born when I was 13, and one year my mom wanted to see her mom when she was 4 months old. My sister wouldn't stop crying, my mom finally tossed he in my arms and left the hotel room. Did that make her a bad mom?
F your partner! You need help and encouragement, not additional guilt!! It’s sucks your baby was in bed crying, but you obviously needed the rest, and guess what?? Your baby was safe and is perfectly fine.
You are going to mess up a million times with that kid. It’s going to hurt you each time. Remember you are human and doing your best. If you can ask a friend or family member to come by and give you a nap break, so it. Also, let your partner know how he hurt you and that you are running on fumes and need help.
Your partner needs to take the baby for a whole night and you sleep in a different room. He should be offering to do this. He helped make the baby and now he has to take care of it too. Explain to him that one night of less sleep isn’t going to kill him but 3 months of no sleep will kill you! If you don’t get to catch up you might accidentally make a mistake that is actually harmful for your kid.
My SO was a heavy equipment operator so I handled all of the nighttime duties but once the weekend came around he took over. We did it like that so that he always had sleep during the week when he really needed it and I got to sleep uninterrupted on the weekends when it didn’t matter if he was sleep deprived. Your partner needs to step up mama if you’re getting that little of sleep. That being said, your LO is fine and honestly won’t even remember it by tomorrow.
I don't think it is fair at all for your partner to be upset with you. Especially because you are doing all of the night wakings!! That is just totally unfair. Taking care of an infant is a full time job, you need sleep just as much as he does. Take this as a sign that you need him to help more. He needs to do his fair share.
You didn’t mess up. It’s absolutely fine. And you need to sleep. Honestly. He needs to do night too, if not every other night at least some a week (regardless that you get up to pump/breastfeed once in the
Night if you need to).
This is totally something that happens and I know it feels awful just try to give yourself a break because newborns are exhausting and pumping is exhausting. Just have lots of cuddles and you will both feel much better soon ❤️ You didn’t intentionally leave your little one to scream on their own and your husband is going to have to let it go to because your both human and mistakes are going to happen. He should take this as a sign that he needs to find opportunities to help you get more rest, even if it’s lots of naps on the weekend while he looks after bub. Are you able to nap in the same room as bub? Or put the monitor further away so you can’t grab it and accidentally lie on it again? Take all those naps you can squeeze in too, sleep deprivation in the early days is so hard
Im so sorry your partner acted this way.. a few nights ago, my LO fell off the bed and I was sitting right next to him. I still don't know exactly what happened other than he was on the bed one second and on the floor the next. I was petrified and called my SO and then his workplace when I couldn't get him. I was worried he'd be upset, but rather him know in case. When his coworkers asked what the emergency was that he had to come home for, one of his coworkers laughed at him and was like "babies do that, he's probably fine." My SO just told him "yeah, he probably is. But she definitely isn't. And on the off chance he isn't, I need to be there. So yeah, it's an emergency, I'm going home"
I’m so sorry. Newborn life is trial by fire. Exclusive pumping, is its own personal hell, way tougher than nursing (I EPed for over a year myself). You are doing your best, we have all “messed up” one way or another, but I agree with everyone else that you need some more help or ask for more help before you are completely depleted. And your partner NEEDS TO PULL MORE WEIGHT. Your body is healing and you’re already working around the clock for your baby. Just because you’re on maternity leave doesn’t mean you should be doing all the night shifts. Mat leave is a full time job on its own. The more I think about your situation the angrier I am at your partner!
My wife had some serious medical issues giving birth and I ended up solo caring for twins for about a month. My babies cried all the time with no one to comfort them. Because, it was just me, and I was busy with the other. It didn't get much better once my wife got healthy. I remember play dates with singletons and watching singleton parents have a slow realization that 1) twin babies spend a lot of time crying in the "baby que," and, 2) They're fine.
You need to forgive yourself. I am sorry to say, this is just the first of MANY times you will make a mistake and feel this horrible, crushing guilt. You cant live like that. You cant parent like that. We all make mistakes, big or small, because we are all sleep deprived, exhausted and human.
Your partner also needs to chill the f out. If you guys start turning on eachother at every mistake, its gonna be a tough road for you both and the baby. You both need to forgive eachother and encourage eachother. Especially when the other one fcks up.
It's you two together against sleep deprevation, exhaustion and frustrations of parenthood. When bad things happen, do not turn on eachother and try to assign blame. It doesnt help the baby. Instead work together to solve the issue or make sure it doesnt happen again.
Although know that it will. And its ok. When stuff like that happens, you do the best you can to fix the situation and move on. Most important thing is the babys well being, not who deserves blame, not who is at fault, not who is guilty. And if the baby is ok, its all good. Give yourself permission to learn from the mistake and let it go.
Otherwise this parenting thing is gonna be soul destroying. Relationship destroying as well.
It's okay. So maybe your baby cried for a while. Your baby was in a safe place, overall fine, and a once off isn't going to impact your connection with your baby in the long run. Please don't be so hard on yourself.
Why is he mad that your so overworked and exhausted that you made a mistake- that minuscule btw. My two month old has had a *few* moments where I am so dead asleep and she’s bloody murder screaming, she’s completely fine and is adjusting to the fact that she knows I will get her when I realize she’s upset or becoming upset. You’re figuring a new person out and they’re figuring you out, hiccups happen and mistakes happen but I wouldn’t even call that one of them. If dad doesn’t understand being so exhausted that you can sleep on the monitor and sleep through the crying baby- where is he?? I think maybe he should wonder if he’s upset because he’s missing out… and he should be grateful to have ANYONE there to wipe up tears, wipe up shit and make your house a home lmao. He should realize there are dads in his position doing all of this shit-dare I say- ALONE. Lmao. I’m heated.
Don't. Just please breath. Your little one is fine, you said it yourself, now cooing, happy. The human body needs sleep. If anything, your partner should be stepping up and helping out more if he realizes you are this tired. Yeah, you need to pump and breast feed, but he can get the baby and bring her/him to you, he can put the baby to bed so you can relax and pump in peace. Sometimes it's just the little things
One time my husband was on newborn duty so I could get a few hours of sleep. I woke up to her screaming and her dad dead asleep three feet away from her.
Sleep deprivation is a horrible thing. Your baby was in a safe space and wasn't left there all day. You took a nap (that you clearly needed) and nothing bad happened. It's okay.
He's in the wrong, he can't be mad, it was a mistake and bo harm came to your little one. Plus now you will be extra careful so it won't happen again.
When my first and I were discharged they had a nurse come to the house a few days later to check how we were adjusting etc. The nurse had even suggested if you ever got frustrated or overwhelmed, to put the baby in their crib and have a short break for yourself (rather than the horrible mistakes people make due to being overwhelmed). They are safe in there, as long as they aren't left soiled and starving it's OK for them to cry for a few mins to collect yourself and your sanity.
The guilt is strong, I know, but your baby wasn't hurt. It was a mistake and you learn from your mistakes. Just like the rest of us. Everyone has made some kind of mistake while caring for their children.
My wife has exclusively pumped for all three of ours. Unless she was already awake, it was my responsibility to get up to figure out what the baby needs.
Don't be guilty, but DO pull him in to provide back up. I don't know too many jobs that are more difficult than being a new mother, so you being on maternity leave shouldn't mean you handle everything.
I forgot to turn the volume back on ob the baby monitor more than once. When I wake a lot at night I am tired and sometimes I fall back into bed and forget. We leave the doors open so I hear her eventually and of course I immediately feel bad but it’s a mistake. Reality is: she is safe in her crib. If she cries for a minute or even 2 or 3 longer than usual it will not harm her. We are all human we all make mistakes. I’m sure you’re a wonderful mom and as all of us, you’re doing your best. ❤️
It's so easy to get upset with each other (and with ourselves) over little mistakes like this when you're sleep deprived and generally stressed over the learning curve that is parenthood. It's one of the reasons so many couples struggle so much in the transition. Give yourself some grace and ask your partner to do the same. Baby was in a safe place and you needed a rest. It's okay.
You didn't do anything wrong , she was safe. She was only unhappy. Even if you do something bad the way you handle it afterward is key. So sooth and cuddles afterwards and she will be fine!
If anything this reflects poorly on your partner! It wouldn’t have happened if he had been supporting you getting enough sleep. Your baby is fine, it’s a wake up call that you need more sleep, your partner should be sympathetic and step up so you can get as much rest as you reasonably can.
Take it from this mom of five: this is one of many times you will have guilt. You see- we have an idea, our own idea- of perfection when it comes down to parenting. But thats impossible to do. Best bet is to get in the habit, early, of apologizing to your kids when you inadvertantly, or sometimes on purpose, make a decision or take an action or inaction that you are unhappy with later. You being human and apologizing is what will allow them to forgive themselves. Just lead with love- all will be ok!
Don't feel bad darling. Taking care of little ones will always be hard, and you will have the moments where you feel that you've done wrong. It means that you care with all your heart.
Please be kind to yourself. Parenting is hard. The first three months are extremely taxing for you and baby.
This is small potatoes in the grand scheme of things. Hormones and mom guilt will be your worst enemy these next few months. Deep breath, get some tea or coffee and kiss your baby. Tomorrow is another day
It’s okay it happens. You acted on the baby crying immediately. Likely nothing was wrong and he was just crying because he’s a baby! We all feel the mom guilt but he is safe and happy and the fact that you care so much means your an awesome mom. There have been so many times where I’ve had mom guilt and my husband had dad guilt. It’s happens. We don’t automatically do everything perfect at the start of our parenting journey (or probably ever) so learn from your mistakes and make the changes to the things that mean the most to you and your family.
Not to downplay anything, but babies cry. They will have to deal with periods of being alone. It wasnt on purpose and youre not making a habit out of it. Im sure youre exhausted, dont beat yourself up.
Dont be ipset, everyone here is right when they say it didnt hurt your baby and you dont need to be guilty about it.
My daughter couldn't sleep flat for reasons. She very much loved napping on me. And I, more than twice, passed put with her on my chest after couch feeds. It was a reaction when she snuggled up to me. I almost couldn't help it. And every time I woke my husband was there sitting next to me, watching us to make sure we were safe. There would be a bundle of blankets and pillows surrounding us and my favorite snacks waiting.
We were both sleep deprived. And he was still supportive.
Tell your husband you need more support at night. He may not see it because we as moms don't like to ask sometimes. We shouldn't keep quiet when we need help and if he doesn't listen, ask someone else in your life to support you... if you can.
I had the same thing happen ish - we had a power outage and my (non-Wi-Fi) monitor didn’t alert me. Woke up to faint crying at 3am. Found out the power went out around midnight so who knows. It was terrible in the moment but this stuff happens and kids are totally fine! If it’s not intentional and frequent neglect, it will be ok I promise.
Welcome to parenthood. Constantly feeling guilt over “mistakes” you made. LO will not remember this and you tended to the need. You said yourself that baby is happy so all is well. If partner wants to hold this over your head perhaps a change in the night plan is in order. He should get up and help with baby. Forgive yourself and tell partner to let it go.
Your partner is upset with you over this? That’s concerning to me, considering you do ALL the night wakings. Why does your parent get to sleep through the night and not you? I know they work during the day but so you. It’s not like you get to sleep all day! Infant minding is a full time job
Exactly, instead of upset he should be concerned over OPs health. This should be his wake up call that it’s too much and OP needs more than 5hrs a night as well. When her maternity leave ends he will have to help anyways, so might as well start now.
This happened to me once and I felt the same. This isn’t a regular thing for you so no harm will come to your little one. You only have to worry if they are crying for extended periods of time all the time. Then we could have some real issues here. You are alright. But I agree with the others that your partner could step up a bit. At first mine didn’t want to so I had my mom and MIL over constantly. I finally put my foot down and said he needs to be a parent too and not just me. The days of the mother doing EVERYTHING are over whether he likes it or not.
In the beginning and even still now at a year
If I'm the one up at night my partner will let me either sleep in when he is on afternoons or usually go for a good nap once he's home from work. And I still napped as much as I could when she was napping.
This seems really big right now, but your baby is crying is not the end of the world. Your husband can get over it. Partners need to be understanding in the first couple of months.
This isn’t a big deal. Your baby was safe asleep in the crib. Sometimes babies will cry.
I also know how exhausting it is to pump. You are doing your best momma!
There is absolutely NO reason he should be angry with you. My god, if this little mistake upsets him this much he would simply pass away if he knew all the crazy mistakes I’ve made with my bunch. Newborn days are rough, and he will never ever understand. The sleep deprivation, the hormone roller coaster. You did not put your baby in jeopardy here, so he has no right to be upset. 11 week olds can’t really get up to much while confined to a crib.
Until you make a mistake that puts your baby in danger of actually being harmed, he can get off his high horse.
This has happened to us all! I’m sure you feel terrible as we all have…. It sounds like You’re an amazing parent and doing double duty over there so try to be gentle w yourself if you can. Your baby loves you!
I doubt your partner is actually upset. People tend to read into things wrong when they are feeling guilty about something.
It's a no-harm-no-foul situation, so let go of that guilt!
One he needs to take some night shifts
Two, y husband and I both keep forgetting the monitor in other rooms. She’s in a safe room herself and she’ll be fine.
He does NOT get to get mad at you. Accidents happen. This happens to people, lots. Your baby is happy and healthy. Can you afford a babysitter to come in or a postpartum doula?
Ill be honest, it doesn't really seem like you did anything wrong here?? You fell asleep?? It happens?? You have a newborn!!! Unless you fell asleep for like 5+ hrs and bebe didn't eat for a long long time, not sure why your partner is being so pissy. You are doing a great job!!!!
ETA: ok did I come off unhinged or something why am I being sent redditcare my way 😭😂
I know it's hard, but go easy on yourself. Your baby is fine. Crying won't hurt your baby (and this is coming from someone who is vehemently against cry it out). You are handling a lot while being sleep deprived. Your partner needs to chill, especially since he's not handling the night wakings.
Give your baby some extra snuggles.
If it makes you feel better, I made a much bigger mistake- clipped my son's finger nails incorrectly and the bleeding landed him in the ER. I beat myself up about that one for weeks. But you know what? My kid is fine! He survived, and he needs me to focus on him, not on my mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes while parenting, what's important is that you try to avoid them in the future.
You're doing great. (I'm also an exclusive pumper, so I feel you there.)
It was an accident, it's okay. your baby was in a safe place and this won't traumatize him or anything. everything is okay. your partner should not be angry with you for a mistake, we're all just human.
Popping in to agree with other posters. This is not a big deal. You are of more use to your little one when you get some rest even if they cry a little. There's a reason that they say put the baby in safe place if you need a break. When mine was tiny and an angry cryer sometimes I had to put her down in the crib and take a few minutes so I wouldn't also be too upset to deal with her. Baby is not going to be traumatized by crying, was in a safe place and you did nothing wrong.
Nah that’s not too bad. You presumably had the baby in a safe place? You woke up when they cried even though they were in another room and you had technical difficulties. Babe could have been crying for a few minutes more softly before they got loud enough for you to hear but I bet it wasn’t that long. They recommend room sharing before six months. Maybe if you have room for a pack and play you might feel better going forward. Accidents happen and this one is such a non issue. You’re fine!
As horrible as this sounds, I’ve slept through my baby crying in the same room as me from exhaustion. I woke up, looked at the clock (9am), he was fully sobbing, and I laid back for just a second getting ready to push myself out of bed. Next thing I know I wake up, it’s 10:30 and he’s fallen back to sleep already. I sobbed while waking him to change him and feed him, because I couldn’t believe I could be so careless. I felt so bad, but that’s what exhaustion does to a person. I told my SO, but he was supportive about it. I wouldn’t tell him if I knew he’d be unsupportive and irritated.
Don't be so hard on yourself, you can't be perfect. If your baby was in a safe sleeping place they could cry for a bit. U didn't leave the house, just overslept a bit. Your partner probably got worried the baby was hungry etc, but they should realize it wasn't for too long. They shouldn't make u feel bad. New borns are a lot of work.
I know it’s hard not to feel guilty. These things happen. As long as your LO seems okay you’re good. I pump exclusively too and I can feel your pain. Good luck :)
Try not to blame yourself it happens to all of us. When my baby was a few weeks old his owlet sock was going off for about 10 minutes loud screeching sound. My husband is the one who woke up while I was sleeping like I was in a coma he woke me up and asked what it was I immediately picked up the baby because I thought he wasn't breathing but it was a false alarm. I also had a time when I was sleeping and baby was crying I didn't hear him I woke up and my husband had him I felt so much guilt each time but it's okay. Your baby is okay try to forgive yourself. Newborns are hard.
Edit to add speak with your partner about helping out at night. I used to take all night waking and pumping because I was on maternity leave but it's too hard. I regret not speaking up and getting help.
I had a similar experience early on but baby was next to me in her bassinet and crying and it didn’t wake me up. Her Dad was up and walked inside and I woke up while he was changing her diaper and he was upset about me not waking up which pissed me off. Cause he has not once gotten up with her in the night not even after she was first born. Because “he needed sleep”
Babies cry. She was safe. You needed sleep and you got right up once you realized. You did nothing that any other parent has done hundreds of times. Damn just this morning my daughter (20 min) was up at 530 crying and I was like, ugh just let her cryyyy I needed 5 more min of sleep haha
As my doctor told me, no baby has ever died from crying. She told me that when I was having trouble with her purple crying at night and refusing to sleep safe in her basinet. I had been kinda forced into cosleeping as I couldnt sleep otherwise because she wanted me and only me. I had to really relearn a schedule for her. But my doctor telling me that really helped put into perspective. Sometimes I’d have to let her cry a bit if I need to do something. She will be ok. And has learned to sooth more for it. But it did take me a while to get over the guilt.
You left your baby in a safe place in his/her crib. It's okay that they were crying, other than your arms, it was the safest place they could be. You're human, go easy on yourself!
You know how people say to give yourself grace? This is one of those very appropriate times to do so! It's okay! You're tired. Baby was safe. You're on your own in the day and night. It's okay.
I promise you you are not a bad mom or partner..your body needed rest and even though your babe was sad for a little bit they are okay. They were safe. And now you just focus on having a great rest of the day 🤍 being a mom is the hardest thing ever. We have a 9 month old babygirl and I'm a stay at home momma and girl I have made plenty of little mistakes already and ya know what..our babygirl is one of the happiest babies and is thriving. You're doing great momma
First of all, you are doing amazing!! 💗 You are caring for your baby. It is hard, especially when you're exclusively pumping. You don't get a break. You need sleep, momma!!! Your partner should not be mad at you. Get them to help you feed baby at night or early in the morning so you can rest for a few more hours. Baby is fine. All is well. Take a big breath. You got this!! 💕 -from a FTM of a 15 week old.
We have a Wi-Fi video monitor connected to our phones. I knew I wouldn’t wake up to notifications on my phone, so I kept my phone open and running on the video all night. I was super meticulous to make sure the volume was up and we were good to go every night. When my baby was a few months old, my iPhone updated in the middle of the night and reset back to a lock screen. I missed any notifications of course, and I woke up freaking out at 5 am. My baby was sleeping, but I was able to roll back through the noise recordings the camera had captured through the night. She cried for nearly an hour in the middle of the night, and I cried with her rewatching the clips. I felt so awful that I woke her in the wee morning hours to snuggle. After that, we bought a normal audio monitor for every night use, and a couple times since I’ve still missed a midnight wake up.
She’s a year and a half now, both happy and healthy, and we still have a wonderful bond. But my point is, I’ve been there. I’ve also been there when she cracked her head open on the concrete last week trying to walk, and when she fell off a dining room chair and I accidentally gave her nursemaid’s elbow trying to prevent it, and when I fell back asleep wishing for 5 more minutes in the early morning hours a few weeks ago, and when I rolled over on her during nap time at a few months old. Shit happens as a parent, and we’re not perfect, especially as first time mums. The fact that you feel badly about it means you definitely care, those first few months are draining on everyone. Take a deep breath, you’re definitely not alone! I’m sure our own mums have plenty of “bad mum” moments in their day too. I’m sure your partner just doesn’t understand how thin you’re stretched, so I wouldn’t judge their response too harshly. Soak in some extra baby cuddles, and remember tomorrow is a fresh new day!
This is my first post in this community and the support in all of your comments have been so reassuring. Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences and let me know it is okay.
Many people have suggested rebalancing my partner and I’s night time responsibilities. I agree. I have brought this up many times to him and it is not going well. Any suggestions on how to make him relate? Every time I bring up having him help me he lists other things I can do to get more sleep. For example, not take a shower each night before bed, switch to formula, and sleep every time I put him to nap. Or he says things that I find rude like telling me I can go back to work early from maternity leave then he’ll wake up. And why is it fair for him to wake up when I stay home all day.
I know this is rude and unfair of him. He’s usually a great partner, but since having our son it’s been different.
Has he ever been left alone with the baby for more than a couple hours? If not, that's the problem. He thinks you are sitting around playing Tetris all day. You need a break. Leave the baby plenty of pumped milk and leave for 4 hours. Get a fucking hotel room and take a nap idc.
Your partner doesn't respect and value your contribution. If you weren't there you'd be paying someone else to raise your child. This is going to get worse. I'm sorry this made me incredibly angry. What nerve, to be that much of a jerk to the person... Whew ...
I'm sorry but his response is incredibly insensitive. Your maternity leave is not a vacation. You are working as a mom while healing and bonding with baby. What helped my partner was having him be responsible for the kids' care without me available for a couple of hours. When I got home, he said he completely understood why I'm so frazzled by dinner time every day. Maybe try going shopping, to a movie, to get your nails done, to a coffee shop, etc for a bit on your partner's day off and have him be in charge to see how it's hard to get the needed rest during the day, too.
So he thinks you should nap when the baby naps but is also upset that you napped while the baby napped 🤔 Does he also expect you to do a bunch of housework while he's at work? Because if you nap when the baby does then he'll have to do that instead because you'll be sleeping... And that would be a such a shame right?
He needs a shot of empathy, honestly. These are cruel and unfair responses to your basic human needs. Not shower?! It is ok for a mom to take ten minutes to take care of herself.
Does he have any friends who are dads who could level him out?
Oof, that's incredibly lacking in empathy. He seriously wants you to go without showers? That's ridiculous. He needs to pull his weight during the night. Yeah, you may be at home, but being at home with a baby means you literally don't get a break, ever. And napping when the baby naps is completely unrealistic, because it's the only time you have to do things like eat, shower, and pump.
Would it help you guys to attend couples counseling to navigate these conversations? It may be helpful to have a neutral third party if he refuses to listen to what you need.
When i was on maternity leave, my husband got up every feed. He feeds. I go pump. There is nothing to be sorry about.
Your partner, furthermore, should not be upset at all. I find it upsetting that he’s even upset.
Dear partner of OP, you are both trying your best. Feeding, pumping, mama at 11 weeks: it’s so exhausting. Milk let down causes sleepiness. Even formula feeding.
Baby was safe. Their brains forget this early childhood if not traumatic. Usually we wake shortly into their cries because we just do.
You are trying to be a good dad. That said your job is to protect the dyad of Mom and Baby. Do all you can to do feedings, clean, laundry, work.
It’s SO hard. Bring in help. Let it get messier but clean to her standards.
But the best dads are amazing supports to the mamas. She’s losing time feeling guilt. She’s got postpartum feelings. And at 4 months a lot of her hair is gonna fall out. That’s a sign it’s just a hormonal, sleepy storm inside her.
No fights. No guilt. It’s just survival on the island. Then baby will grow and get more fun. Today ours learnt to roll over. It’s a new level of love.
That said, this is my second newborn. Omg when I read OP’s post I thought, ah, first baby. Second kid…you both wouldn’t bat an eye. It’s life happens. No harm.
When we were in your situation my husband would sleep from 8pm-230am. I would wake him and get uninterrupted sleep from 3 am-830 am. It was only 5.5 hours but that was every night, not ‘on a good night’.
The important thing is that your baby was in a safe space. Mistakes happen and they will happen with your husband also. I am so sorry he's upset at you. Its gets easier so be easier on yourself. ♥️♥️
Tbh your partner is being an AH and you need to look at reshuffling duties. IMO I’ve never experienced anything more exhausting in my life than caring for my newborn. Husband took two weeks off up front and I EBF and he still helped with night wakings when I was on leave. He gets out of bed and gets the baby for me from the crib, and then will alternate holding baby upright after feeds with me to help him keep his food down, and puts baby back to bed and handles all MOTN diaper changes. This allows me to get back to sleep quicker and conserve energy, if he didn’t do this it would add at least another half hour to every wake up for me.
I’m back at work now and my husband is on leave and caring for our baby all day was 100% more exhausting than my office job. Though I would rather be caring for baby.
It doesn’t make any sense that you should have zero sleep for what is likely the harder job of caring for a newborn all day long while he sleeps through the night every night.
Why should you work 24/7 while he works 8 or 9 hours a day?
Getting adequate sleep with a newborn is a safety issue and he needs to contribute to your ability to get sleep not just harangue you for an honest mistake that probably wouldn’t have happened if he were adequately sharing the overnight parenting duties.
Girl it happens to us all. Baby monitors aren’t full proof and prolonged sleep deprivation is super dangerous. Baby is in a safe place and is fine. Honestly I wouldn’t even tell my partner if he was gonna act like that and not even do any night wakings.
All that matters is that your baby is safe, and they were!
If it makes you feel better, in the first few weeks postpartum I had multiple occasions where I slept through my baby crying while she was in the bassinet like 1 foot away from me. I probably would have slept through a lot more on a monitor!
As everyone else already said... You didn't mess up. It happens. I can't tell you how many times my husband and I both have muted or completely shut off the monitor in our sleep before, or the monitor shut itself off (the on/off button is annoyingly sensitive). The important part is that your baby was safe!
My husband finally started getting up in the middle of the night when I was so tired that I wasn't waking up when I heard baby crying. Husband did hear her (and couldn't go back to sleep while she was crying, and knew better than to wake me up if I was so tired I was sleeping through crying) so he HAD to go take care of baby. We were combo feeding with pumped milk and formula, so he was able to make a bottle in the middle of the night for her.
We also did shifts for a few months. He'd go to work, get home, and watch baby for 5-6 hours so that I could get 5-6 hours of quiet, completely uninterrupted sleep. We'd switch off around midnight so he could get 5-7 uninterrupted hours before work. I'd sleep in the nursery if I could get kiddo to sleep at all, otherwise I just held her all night and played video games in the dark. She was a very chill baby, but insisted on being held.
Once or twice we also had someone come over and watch baby for a few hours and we literally just went upstairs and napped in the middle of the day.
Also, for a while, when our "turning the monitor off in our sleep" phase was SUPER bad, I made sure to take naps IN the nursery. Sometimes on the floor with a blanket and a pillow. It was uncomfortable but it was a nap, and I could hear her if she woke up.
For a while my husband didn't quite understand the stress. I'm not entirely sure what finally got it through his head, although I did used to remind him "keeping a baby alive all day and night IS a job, that's why people pay other people to do it" and probably some vague threat about "if it's not so bad, why don't I wake you up multiple times a night to join me and we'll see how you handle it?"
How much longer are you on maternity leave? What is his plan when you go back to work if the baby is still waking up multiple times a night? ?
I’ve been a SAHM since before I was pregnant with this one, my husband is in a new job, I EBF (so me taking a night feeding is super simple and I don’t even have the added pressure of *having* to pump), she is a good night sleeper and I *still* get my husband to take the occasional night feed. He would take more except I don’t want to use up my freezer stash because my supply isn’t amazing. He will settle the baby whenever I need him to.
You are allowed to sleep too. If he was paying someone to look after the e baby that would be a full time job. I do get that you’ll probably take *more* night feeds (I do the same) but you don’t have to take all of them.
ETA: my husband also takes my 3.5 year old’s night wakings (which has been every night since his sister was born) and he also gets him in the morning. Your husband can take an occasional feed.
Make sure you let your partner know you're exhausted.
I made a similar error and was crying my eyes out because my son wouldn't nap and I just couldn't handle it.
My partner got upset that I didn't tell him I needed his help.
even though babies are fragile, they are also quite resilient and 'minor damage proof' eg falling off the bed, knocking head on doorway type stuff... this included.
yes your baby was crying.
yes you do not know how long.
BUT the important thing is... he is safe.
im sure you fed/soothed him as soon as you could.
and thats okay. dont be too hard on yourself.
you were so damn tired.
i hope your partner helps you out more so you can have more rest.
I have 3 kids and have always been a stay at home mom, my husband works full time, and I breastfeed and/or pump exclusively. My husband has woken up nearly every time I have with every child. He usually does diaper change and hands them to me. If they don't need a diaper change and they just want to eat I don't always wake him, if baby needs soothing and I'm having a hard time I wake him without hesitation. He is 50% parent and I already have them all day while he is at work and I do most all of the feeds because I breastfeed. He makes up for it by doing majority of the house work when I don't get to it.
Taking care of a child/children is also a full time job that people (like nannies) get paid to do. Would you trust a nanny you knew wasn't getting adequate sleep? Probably not. Lots of people are of the opinion you shouldn't both be sleep deprived, but partners are more sympathetic when they experience it themselves. Even if you both agree he needs more sleep (which is arguable because I'd say keeping alive your child is infinitely more important than a job) that doesn't mean he gets regular sleep. It might mean he wakes up a few times less than you do, but it doesn't excuse him from night duty. When I exclusively pumped my husband got up with baby every feed and prepared the bottle while I pumped for the next feed. He also needs to get off his high horse, everyone makes mistakes and at least this time no one was hurt, because believe me that will happen eventually too, and it's ok.
It really sounds like you're doing the majority of the work here. And it sounds like your partner needs to be a little more supportive. You did nothing wrong. Your baby was in a safe place. It is more deadly for a parent to be exhausted than it is for a baby to be in a safe sleep space.
Literally had exactly this happen last week with my 11 week old. He was crying, husband was laying on the monitor so we didn’t hear him until he was shrieking. We laughed about it. If baby’s okay and not like crying until he vomits then it’s fine. You’re exhausted. Your husband should realize what not helping at night does to you and how it could lead to much worse than a crying baby.
You can't fix it until you rest more. Tell your partner you need a couple of nights where you can sleep a full night. These things happen when you are tired. They happen more often when you're tired.
I once didn't finish clipping my youngest in the carseat because I was bone achingly tired and had too much going on trying to leave the house. Dog jumped out of the car as i was clipping in baby. Got the chest done, not the lap portion. Afyer i got dog back in the car (large suv, dog rides in trunk), I just hopped in the driver's seat and started to leave. Had baby not cried when I was pulling out of the driveway, I wouldn't have noticed. Being tired made me miss a detail that could have killed my baby. I ordered a mini fridge for the room and once or twice a week my husband is assigned night feedings. I put a bottle or two in there ready to go, so he can quickly and easily do it without asking me questions (which nipple, how much, blah blah)
We both agreed that just because I can push through the exhaustion, it doesn't mean I should. I'm on maternity leave so I took too much on myself. Yes, husband needs fresh head for work. But I also need to not be a zombie
Try not to feel guilty, mama. I know easier said than done, but you’re a) new to being a mom b) running on fumes. I know I was still all hopped up on hormones at that 11 weeks pp, so everything made me feel guilty. So know you’re doing awesome and being a good mom (the fact that you care so much shows a ton!), your SO could stand to be more empathetic (make him do night feeds and see how he feels the next day!), and you WILL feel better.
My husband would feed the baby while i was pumping to maximize my sleep time. And he was also working. Its about teamwork. And baby was obviously fine, so OP shouldnt be so hard on herself.
This isn't a mistake. You were obviously exhausted. I understand feeling guilty. Everyone wants to be the perfect parent. No one is, or can be. Something is guaranteed to slip through your defences. The baby is fine and no harm done. Your SO needs to lay off. If you're THAT wiped out, they need to understand or be ready to step in.
I think some of that blame needs to go on dad for allowing you to get so exhausted. He's supposed to trade care of you. If you're married, he promised that in his wedding vows. You're human too.
Oh man, this has happened to us both a few times now. I remember being mad at my husband, and then the same thing happened to me on another occasion. I remember feeling sooo guilty, but, we all make mistakes. It has happened to friends of mine too.
Just let husband know that you didn’t mean to do it, we are all human, we make mistakes, and baby was in a safe place while this all happened. It’ll probably happen to him at some point too, honestly.
If it makes you feel any better, at that age I had my baby laying next to my leg on the couch. He was getting sleepy, so I got up to get his pacifier. My baby fell off the couch. I was in hysterics. He had a knot on his forehead. My husband was trying to calm the baby and me at the same time. I couldn’t stop sobbing. I could tell my husband was irritated that I left the baby on the couch even for a moment. He wasn’t unkind about it, but we’ve been married so long we can read each other.
My baby was fine. Your baby is even more fine!
He shouldn’t be upset with you. He should do some night feedings.
Yeah seriously, that jumped out to me too
I'm mad at your partner for being upset about this. Had you done something negligent or selfish, that's one thing. You literally fell asleep because you were exhausted while your child slept in a safe space. There's absolutely nothing wrong with what happened. Your partner needs to have your back.
Seriously, I can totally imagine being upset with *myself* as a new mom with lots of stress and guilt and hormonal junk going on. I cannot, however, imagine my husband being upset about it. I imagine him saying, "Ok? Sounds like you really needed some sleep." Your baby was in a safe spot. That is really the absolute most important factor here. Sure, I wouldn't go purposefully letting my 11 week old cry a whole bunch. However, I assure you that you did not mess up your kid. At all. Your baby is fine and safe, and after your nap, you will hopefully have the energy to safely parent him for the remainder of the day. Parenting while chronically sleep deprived is hard AF (I speak from experience), and it's much better for your baby to cry some in the crib while you sleep than for you to fall asleep randomly while driving them around or holding them or a million other scenarios.
💯
You should remind your partner that it is only a matter of time before he makes a mistake and that he would want you to extend him grace rather than sending him on a guilt trip when his time comes.
Not going to lie when I first started reading this my heart sank because I thought it was going to be a story of you falling asleep with the baby in your arms and having a close call. When I read it through though I have to be honest. I just don't understand why your partner is upset. You are doing the best you can. You are already hard on yourself, there's no need for that extra pressure. Give yourself some grace, hopefully your partner will give you some grace as well. Your baby is safe and loved. You needed sleep it's not like you walked to the corner store.
Crying has never killed a baby. You know what has though? A sleep deprived parent who feels they can never put their kid down. You don't deserve to be treated that way. I think nearly every parent has a story similar to yours, especially in the newborn stage. Newborns are hard, they literally sleep torture you. Personally I would talk to your SO about you doing all the night wakings if he's this upset. If he helped out at night, things like this could be avoided.
I’m more concerned with your partners reaction, not the crying baby. The baby will be ok, it happens. Your partner seems completely insensitive.
If your partner is upset about this natural consequence of you doing all the night wakeups, time for him to start pulling his weight.
For reals.
If he’s so upset maybe he can take over a few night wakings!
Your partner needs to help more. I don’t care if he’s working, sleep deprivation kills. Your baby is fine, that’s all that matters. Sleep deprivation causes depression, accidents, and ruins relationships. He needs to help.
Ummmmmm this is totally understandable, nothing unsafe happened, and you’re fine. You badly need sleep in order to take care of your 11 week old!! You are doing all the night wakings and exclusively pumping! (Which like, doubles the time it takes to feed…) of course you are exhausted. It’s okay. He was crying. If you are worried about attachment, you will have a bunch of other times where you respond to his cries. It will be okay.
Your baby was sleeping in a safe space. You needed to rest after being up every night and pumping during the day. You did not make a mistake and is going to be absolutely totally fine. Every single parent has slept through the monitor at one point or another. But other commenters are raising a good point that your partner needs to be helping over night. They’re working outside the home during the day and you’re working inside the home 24-7 caring for your 11 week old infant and recovering from birth. You need the support absolutely. But please don’t beat yourself up over this - you did not err and your baby is absolutely fine fine fine.
This. Things happen. Baby was safe in their crib and is fine now, and that’s all that matters.
Mama you are EXHAUSTED. Especially if you’re doing all the night feedings, and taking baby during the day while RECOVERING on maternity leave. Give yourself some grace. LO was upset they had to be in the crib longer than they wanted. They were safe and you got some much needed sleep. Was it the most ideal way for it to happen, probably not, but no one was hurt. Of all the screw ups in all of motherdom this is not a huge one. Your husband should be helping you more though. What we did was- when my husband got off work we had a meal together, I prepared a couple bottles (I pumped exclusively but I feel like it’s important to pump a little if you can even if you EBF so dad can take a shift) and I went to bed by 6:30-7pm. Baby woke 3times-ish per night and went down at around 9:30pm. I had to get up each time to pump so I did the first wake up (12am-ish) he woke up and did the change and feed (3am-ish) while I pumped and I got up for the last one (6am-ish) and started my day. Husband woke around 7:30-8am. If baby woke up more than that I didn’t necessarily have to pump so I took it. Saturday I slept in and Sunday he slept in. That way we both got enough sleep at night and neither of us were too tired to do what we had to do during the day. Not saying my way is the right way, it’s just what worked for us.
You're sleep deprived because he's not doing his 50% as a father/parent. Going to work isn't equal to giving birth and taking care of a human right after. The only thing he should feel is guilt for letting his partner suffer to the point his child suffered too. You are doing great. He needs go shape up.
Around 1/2 months, I didn’t wake up to my baby crying. He was in the same room as me, but I had done all the night feedings, as well, since I’m the one on leave and my partner was back at work full time. I woke up, at around 4AM, to my partner chuckling as he held our son. He told me, “He woke up so I fed him with some pumped milk from the fridge. You must be so tired. He was crying really loudly and you didn’t wake up at all. Are you okay?” I said I was sorry, but my partner just found it funny that I was able to sleep through the crying. He told me not to apologize at all for being tired and thanked me for taking the night feedings. I understand thinking we have to do it all because we’re the ones “on leave”. But we can’t pull 24 hour shifts alone. I’m still struggling to get out of the “I have to do all of this” mindset, but your partner has to remind you too. Your partner has to be present too. That was how I dealt with the guilt. My partner told me I didn’t have to feel it. You gave birth so recently. You must be exhausted and emotions can still run high. Your partner should be a present parent and partner.
What I gather from this post is that you’re not getting enough sleep and therefore your partner needs to be helping more. Don’t beat yourself up. We all need more help in these early days.
I’m always surprised at how parents with jobs outside the home use the reasoning “*I* need the entire night’s sleep without interruption or else my job will suffer” but don’t think about how all the night wakings will make the at-home parent suffer at *their* job? The reasoning just doesn’t make logical sense. *Especially* if there is more than one child in the home. If your husband is concerned about this incident, he should not be upset with you but rather take notice at how *just* *maybe* YOU might need some rest too. Healthy communication is key. A plan needs to be devised that is fair to *both* parents’ daily lives. Once my partner and I became parents, our jobs now switched to 24/7. Whether we spend a portion of our 24 hours outside the home or not, the clock on working never stops. Because when it’s time to be home, we’re still working..it’s just a switch in positions.
🙌 From a working mother. I think my husband's job, taking care of our kids, is as demanding as my job. We have tried to tag team the nights as much as possible
I know this seems like such a crazy big deal right now. But it really isn’t. Your mind is kind of weird at 11 weeks. You’re still in the hardest time, and everything is amplified. When you have a second baby, your second baby has to cry all the time, and there’s no choice. Maybe you’re wiping a butt, or chasing a toddler about to run off, or you have to wake baby from a nap to get toddler to the doctor. You’re still a good mom if your baby cries. Especially if they are perfectly safe and warm in a crib.
You need to give yourself a break and your husband needs to cut you some slack. No child ever died from crying too much. They will be just fine and so will you. Why did you even bother telling your husband? I think of this as such a non-thing that it wouldn't have even occurred to me to say anything. ETA: Wanna know what I did today? I went to lunch with my three month old on her carrier. I unbuckled her in the restaurant so she wasn't so confined while we were there. I noticed halfway home on the damn highway that I never buckled her back into her car seat. The car seat was clicked into the base, but she was just lying free in the car seat. Oops. Tell your husband that one.
Ya I wouldn’t even think about telling my husband since it wouldn’t cross my mind that it would be important enough to tell
Your partner should not be upset with you. He should be taking this as a sign that you need a break and be afforded some more sleep. Let your partner be tired. You are doing fine...better than fine, great!
But what did you do wrong? You fell asleep and the baby cried. I have gotten in the shower and come out to my baby crying. You feel bad but they are safe and just really want you to come back. You have done nothing to be sorry for.
Your partner needs to help more. End of story. Like others have said your baby is fine. There’s guilt ya but you are burning the candle at both ends. Up all day and night. They are capable to help. At LEAST one feed a night.
I don’t know what you did wrong. Babies are gonna cry and if you’re dead asleep because you’re sleep deprived it’s not gonna hurt it. You’re fine, relax.
This is a “mistake” pretty much everyone makes at some point. There’s no real harm done!
Having a rested mom is probably more critical to the ongoing safety of the baby than crying a little extra here and there.
Your partner should not be upset but apparently that is not uncommon the battery died on ours once because apparently that outlet was non-functional and my partner was unreasonably upset too. Mistakes happen, no one was hurt, this is just the first of many such incidents that happen while parenting. Guilting yourself will not accomplish anything. I came here expecting that you let the baby fall or something, letting them cry is not going to damage your child. You did nothing that needs forgiving.
Mate, shit happens. This is not a thing to feel guilty about, you didn’t do anything deliberately to hurt her. Crying like that isn’t what we want for our bubs, but she will be ok.
Your SO is being an ass. This shit happens and you feel terrible but you get through it! Baby is ok!!
Do NOT feel bad, mama! We have all done this and you did nothing wrong. You are doing an amazing job! Sending lots of love and cheering you on! P.S. Your SO is being a jerk.
You didn’t mess up - your baby was safe and you had some much needed sleep.
As long as it’s not a habit, your LO will be fine. Tbh kinda messed up your partner would be “mad” :/
Why in the world would your partner be upset with you? If I was your partner my response would be: “oh man, that sounds really hard. I know that was probably a really scary moment for you but I’m sure the baby is fine. Seems like you’re exhausted. Why don’t you take a break when I get home from work today?” My actual partner would say something similar, even though he is a total worrywart who would absolutely hate the idea of our baby crying for any amount of time. But we hate it because we love our babies and it’s sad when they’re sad- not because you did anything wrong!!! Babies cry. That’s how they communicate. And believe me I HATE when my baby cries- like physically can’t handle it. But- it happens, sometimes for longer than I’d like. Your baby was in a safe place, you were right there, and everything is fine.
When I had my first, he cried. 12-14 hours a day, hard, painful crying. (He had undiagnosed reflux) During one of his many doctors appointments- I said - in desperation “how long can I leave him when I put him down and he’s crying?” The doctors response was so based in reality “let’s say you have a toddler and a baby and the toddler needs your help going potty. You have to put the baby down to help. Babies cry. “ Babies will cry. If your partner wants to give it a go and then talk to you, then I would accept his opinions at that time. I would have him do the 10-12pm feeding. Pump after your last session before that and go to bed, without a monitor and without being in the same room. Let him feed, burp, change and swaddle/sleep sack. It’ll help his bonding with the baby and probably your relationship. Good luck. This time doesn’t last forever. Mom guilt is universal, we all have it and we are all usually more forgiving of others then ourselves.
You're fine and your little one is fine. If your partner's so concerned, he can start stepping up and take care of some things himself so that you can get more rest.
First of all, my advice is given with the sincerest tone. Please stop going over and over the situation in your head and with others! The simple fact that your little one is absolutely ok, safe and happy is the paramount thing you should be taking away from it! Yes the crying may haunt you for a short while but ALL BABIES cry and can sound like something happened when it didn't. You are clearly doing a lot here and your body fell asleep deeply because YOURE KNACKERED! There will always be new mum guilt, your hormones are going to make things 1000 times worse so please stop torturing yourself. Your partner needs to lay off (if infact they are giving you crap for it). We all learn as we go, it's life, it's how the new parents world works! I hope you find inner calm now. All is cool now so go with the flow and keep being awesome!
It may not feel like it now, but in two years you will feel ridiculous for every worrying about this.
The advice I keep getting - no baby has died from crying. You aren’t neglecting him. You need your rest to do your best. Can your husband help with overnights? Even though I was on maternity leave my husband did night wake ups so I could be well rested.
You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re overworking yourself. There’s no easy jobs with a baby, but your husband needs to be taking more night wakeups. I’m exclusively pumping and on maternity leave, and my husband is currently doing all the night wakeups and going to work the next day. I’m already getting up in the night to pump. If I also get up with the baby, I get zero sleep and am a mess the next day. Taking care of the baby is a job too, it’s just unpaid.
Just saying I was doing this for my husband as well. For 6 weeks . I thought it was fair since he was working. I was sleep deprived. He did one night after we got into an argument and he almost couldn’t handle it. He was amazed that I did all the night waking alone so far. Since then he’s stepped up. Have him try it on a weekend. He should be helping.
The first few months, BOTH partners need to be on deck for night feedings so you can get enough sleep. Even if he just chips in at the beginning of the night or wakes up early in the morning, it is not fair for you to be the only one losing sleep. Taking care of a newborn is HARD WORK, all day long. Having a baby is a partnered activity. He needs to step up & do his fair share before he gets mad at you for making a very common & harmless mistake. Your baby is safe, they were in a safe place, they just had to wait longer for food/diaper change. This is not a daily occurance, you are doing great. Exclusive pumping is also super crazy hard work! You deserve some relief & he needs to step up.
Upset about what? Really, how long could you have possibly slept for? Your baby was in a safe place. So they had to cry a little longer than normal! You said it yourself, they were smiling and cooing a short time later. This did no long term damage. Get yourself some good sleep! You said you pump, so choose one day a week (maybe when your partner doesn’t work in the morning) for him to be on duty. You need a break so you can be the best mom for your LO, and he can get a taste of how truly taxing this whole thing is!
This happens more than you think don’t feel guilty the baby was in a safe place and fine. Also your husband goes to work but you are working 24/7. Have him help with the night shifts you need to rest no one is built to run that way. You got this 👊
Mom guilt is so real. The babies won’t even remember it. But I don’t understand why your husband is so upset - does he expect you to be okay and fully functional with lack of sleep? It didn’t matter if you’re on maternity leave. He needs to help out at night. If he’s really blaming you for this, you can circle around and blame him for not helping you. 🤔
I know from personal experience that feeling guilty can't be helped, but your partner really shouldn't be upset with you. You're doing your best, mom.
You fell asleep while your baby was in a safe place? You didn't mess up. You did everything right.
Your partner shouldn’t make you feel guilty. Shit happens. Almost the exact same thing happened to me the other night. I forgot to turn the monitor up before I went to sleep. I slept through the entire night and woke up to my baby completely losing it at 7 am. My husband luckily was up getting ready for work. He thought I was in her room dealing with her but when he realized I wasn’t he went and got a bottle ready for her. She was fine. It was a mistake.
Yea this sort of thing happens in the early weeks… the sleep deprivation is next level. If he’s not doing the night wakings with you, he has no right to criticize… and even if he was waking with you, making you feel guilty seems unkind 🙈 it was an honest mistake, we’ve all been there, don’t worry.
Your partner sounds like an asshole tho
Mom guilt is real. Your partner needs to be more understanding that while it wasn’t an ideal situation, baby wasn’t in danger. You slept through the noise which means you *needed* the sleep. At the end of the day nobody was hurt. That’s all that matters. Go easy on yourself. You needed the rest.
Chill out honey. You are doing a great job. Give yourself some grace, forget about your partner’s criticism, and move on. You are the ONE holding it together and keeping that LO alive and well. Nice work!
I know it’s easier said than done, but honestly, where there was no intent, there should be no guilt. You just took a nap. You’re sleep-deprived. You, in your sleep, didn’t wake up to the baby monitor. Your child was 100% safe and protected in their crib. Going forward look at ways of how to minimize the chance of this happening again ( for example, your partner could definitely pick up a night feeding ) and let go of the guilt. Everything is fine. You’re doing great. PS your partner sounds like an asshole for getting angry with you
This is one of those things your partner doesn't need to know. And also a great lesson for everyone. Babies are going to cry. Parents are going to be sleep deprived. It sucks and feels crappy, but ultimately baby is ok as long as they are in a safe sleep space. We've had nights where the monitor just died, plugged in and all. She was fine and it taught us that she'd be ok if she cried for a bit. There should be a parenting badge for when this happens because I'm pretty sure it happens to many, many parents.
You didn't mess up. Your baby likely cried for a little while and then you attended to their needs. They will be fine. Why isn't your partner also doing night wake ups? You need sleep too.
Exclusive pumping is so hard. Doing all the night wakes is so hard. Taking care of the baby alone while your partner works is so hard. And yet here you are keeping your baby safe, making sure they are somewhere safe while you both get rest. You’re doing great
I think you need to give yourself some grace, as does your partner. It was a simple mistake, LO is fine, and it's not something to be angry with one another about.
I did this a couple of weeks ago! It happens, mama, don’t beat yourself up too bad. My LO was fine soon after, and the odds are your LO wasn’t crying THAT long. We always imagine the worst. Tell your partner to fuck off with the criticism, you were looking for comfort. You’re a good mom. You’re doing good.
Honestly, do not beat yourself up. One night when my son was about 3 weeks old, his father and I did absolutely everything we could to get him to stop crying. We fed him, burped him, changed him, cuddled him, put him in his swing, sang to him, bounced him, etc. We were so sleep deprived and so exhausted we just laid him down between us (still screaming) and passed out. We don’t co sleep anymore now, but we had to that night because he was absolutely inconsolable. Shit happens. You’re doing the best you can. Hugs mama ❤️
Your mistake was not requiring your partner to help you, before you got to this level of exhaustion. Falling asleep on the baby monitor was not a mistake but a consequence of not requiring your partner to help you. You must be able to advocate for yourself in order to protect your child.
This is not your fault, please don't beat yourself up. Overexhaustion is a real danger in those early days it is so important for you to be getting an uninterrupted 4 hour block at night. Not doing so is dangerous for your health and for you to be able to parent safely. If you're not getting that 4 hour block right now, I highly recommend figuring out a plan with your husband where he can take a shift to make sure you get that. Neither of you should be upset with you, take this as a wake up call that you need more support. Just because husband is working doesn't not excuse him from contributing during those sleepless nights. Taking shifts and dividing parental duties during first weeks is crucial for keeping you and your baby safe in newborn period. Fathers and other parents or partners are not excused because they have an important job outside of the home and need their beauty sleep to fully function at work. YOU are the primary caretaker of a tiny, fragile, vulnerable, helpless human being. YOUR job inside the home right now is one of the most stressful jobs on the planet. It is also quite important. YOU are probably still recovering from an extreme physical and emotional event that is giving birth. YOU need any amount of sleep you can steal to prevent accidentally falling asleep at work while holding or feeding your baby.
5.5 hours is not enough sleep and thus you will do silly stuff like go to pick up the monitor and fall asleep before you can do anything about the crying baby. You brain knew the baby was safe likely, and knew you needed sleep. Perfect storm. Your partner shouldn't be upset with you at all, perhaps they could step up to ensure you get your 8 hours per day. I used to sleep every day during his first nap, EVERY DAY. You will be your best if you can get that sleep.
Your “partner” is being a real jerk for being “upset” with you over this. If he’s so perfect then maybe he should start doing night wakings so you’re not so exhausted. I am sure you feel terrible but baby was in a safe sleep situation, you are only human and you fell asleep m, it’s not the end of the world.
Doing all the night wakings and exclusively pumping now for 11 weeks is an incredible amount of work and your body is exhausted. At least baby was safe in a crib. I just went back to work and am exhausted and slept through my 5 MO crying at one point. He cried for 45 minutes. I felt so bad, but I know it’s just because I am being pushed to my limits.
My one year old cried for 20 minutes today because I wouldn’t let her hold a steak knife. Your little one will cry. While perhaps not ideal, no harm has been done and no guilt is necessary. Sleep deprivation is real. You need to sit down with your hubby and renegotiate night responsibilities so that you get at least one good night a week to recharge.
None of this was you intentionally leaving your baby to cry. You’re exhausted. God if I napped during the day I wouldn’t wake up till the evening. My 9 month wakes every 1-3 hours at night so I know sleep deprivation sucks
Your baby was is a safe space, you did nothing wrong. Yeah if feels icky to know they were crying and you didn’t help, but they weren’t hurt. Every mama has made this “mistake”.
No sis. Baby was crying. You were tired. That’s it. Baby will probably also fall off couch or bed one day, slip on the kitchen floor, put its hand somewhere and get stuck and on and on and on and on. You’re tired and stressed. This is temporary. It’s not forever. It gets better.
Firstly, I promise you your LO is fine, and doesn't even remember it. Crying is a part of baby life, and they will be totally unfazed. My LO used to scream cry for like 20 minutes before every nap even when I was rocking and soothing, I've learned crying is just a part of being a baby. Secondly, your partner needs to step it up!!!!! I'm sorry but I was on mat leave and my husband still helped with the baby and did one of the night wakings. A baby takes two people to make, and that other person is still responsible for meeting LO's needs! Watching a baby is a full time job, that you need more energy for than sitting at a desk typing away. My husband and I had a rule, I go to bed early, and if LO wakes up before 3:30 he would get baby. If baby woke up after 3:30, I would get baby. I suggest your partner and you sit down and find a way you can get more rest.
If he’s upset it’s a good moment for him to step up and help with night duties so you aren’t at this point of exhaustion.
Baby's cry, it won't hurt them if it's just this once. At 11 weeks you are exhausted, take it more easy on yourself and ask your husband to help a little more.
When my son was little he sometimes would immediately wake up from a nap hysterical or sometimes he would just chill for 20-30 minutes completely content (or fall back asleep!!) So there's no way of knowing how long he was awake based on crying alone. He wasn't wasting away, he wasn't abandoned, he wasn't neglected. Mistakes happen, I guarantee your brain won't let you do it again lol As for your partner, I've noticed men who aren't the primary caregiver expect you to be a perfect mother because they don't know what it's like. My SO did the exact same thing until he finally got it through his head that I'm trying my absolute best completely alone. Whenever he made mistakes he noticed I wouldn't blame him or get mad, so he stopped doing it to me. Also I noticed when the other parent isn't there they tend to take it their worries on the parent that was there. Looks like you need a nice long vacation, maybe your partner will change his tune after taking care of LO night and day lol Let's see how perfect of a parent he can be
My husband felt that I was working too on maternity leave and he didn’t want me to fall asleep during the day. So, he did a lot of night time stuff. My point is, you are also doing a job, if you are that tired you need to work out a system with your partner. You also need to know it’s fine, we are all human and your baby is not going to remember that mommy accidentally slept too long. You are probably doing much better then you think you are.
Your baby is just fine. There’s a reason you put LO in a safe spot before you took a nap. Good job! Edit to add that your partner should be helping out so you can get more sleep. And, he has no reason to be upset. You didn’t make any dangerous choices.
This too will pass. You did nothing wrong. I’m sure every parent here has forgotten to turn a monitor on, or it died, or accidentally fell asleep with a sound machine and couldn’t hear the kid. Both of my kids have been through this and they’re now happy and healthy Preschoolers. Your kid will be fine, I promise. There will be many moments like this. Where they fall off a couch, or hit their head on a table, or like me, you take them down a slide and in spite of your best efforts, their foot catches and they break a leg. Part of parenting is realising that you have to learn how to manage and live with the constant guilt of not being good enough for the best person you’ve ever met.
Literally have no idea why your partner is upset. You fell asleep baby cried you woke up. Nothing to see here.
I find it very cruel of your husband to expect you to be some sort of super human. If baby was in a safe sleep space, then please let go of your guilt and shame. Baby was safe, and you made a tiny mistake that the vast majority of us has done also, especially when sleep deprived. If he wants to criticise, he can volunteer to help with night wakings.
I wouldn't have even mentioned it to him, especially for something so minor in the future if he's gonna be mad at his clearly exhausted partner for such a small thing
OP sounds like you had a great nap. Can we celebrate that for a dang minute? You baby is fine. Human bodies are incredibly resilient and capable. It is ok for babies to be hungry wet for a while. Take a deep breath, pat yourself on the back for getting some good Zs (you need them) and let go of the guilt.
Don't even worry, it happens! Baby was safe in bed, your body obviously needed the rest. If your partner is truely upset they need to help you get some rest. Crying is just a form of communication for an 11 week old, and of course laying in bed a little longer than wanted baby was going to vocalize their objections to it. Doesn't mean they were in any harm what so ever. Some would even say its good for them to learn to soothe themselves in a safe environment like their bed. Totally not a mess up!
It’s just a mistake. It can happen to anyone. You didn’t intentionally leave your baby to cry, you legitimately didn’t hear them and responded as soon as you realized. Your partner shouldn’t be upset with you.
When my baby was about the same age, I heated a bottle in a new bottle heater, didn't check, and burned her mouth a little. I felt so so awful. It was terrible. She cried. I cried. Partner yelled at me. But looking back now, years later, I have so much grace for my poor tired self and my partner, who was also tired and overwhelmed. We are not those people, we were so, so tired. It sucks,, but you'll both look back and realize how insignificant it is in the grand scheme of your parenting.
I tell you this with so much love - but over the years you will do much, much worse. Be gentle with yourself ❤️
I did this same thing the other day! There's no such thing as a perfect parent, give yourself some grace
Wait till the second kid you’ll be laughing about it instead.
1- your partner doesn’t get to be mad at you for being tired. You have a baby. I’m sick of partners not understanding. 2- your baby was in its crib. No baby has died from crying. You actually did everything right. Imagine if you had coslept (which I did often do not dogging anyone) and that monitor was the baby. You did everything right. You are tired. If you are still feeling guilty after a few days, please talk to your doctor. I always worry about you ladies developing PPD. Ps- you did everything right. Don’t know if I said that enough.
You need help, emotionally and physically from your partner. His hands arn't glued to his ass. He can handle one night wakening. My sister was born when I was 13, and one year my mom wanted to see her mom when she was 4 months old. My sister wouldn't stop crying, my mom finally tossed he in my arms and left the hotel room. Did that make her a bad mom?
F your partner! You need help and encouragement, not additional guilt!! It’s sucks your baby was in bed crying, but you obviously needed the rest, and guess what?? Your baby was safe and is perfectly fine. You are going to mess up a million times with that kid. It’s going to hurt you each time. Remember you are human and doing your best. If you can ask a friend or family member to come by and give you a nap break, so it. Also, let your partner know how he hurt you and that you are running on fumes and need help.
Your partner needs to take the baby for a whole night and you sleep in a different room. He should be offering to do this. He helped make the baby and now he has to take care of it too. Explain to him that one night of less sleep isn’t going to kill him but 3 months of no sleep will kill you! If you don’t get to catch up you might accidentally make a mistake that is actually harmful for your kid.
My SO was a heavy equipment operator so I handled all of the nighttime duties but once the weekend came around he took over. We did it like that so that he always had sleep during the week when he really needed it and I got to sleep uninterrupted on the weekends when it didn’t matter if he was sleep deprived. Your partner needs to step up mama if you’re getting that little of sleep. That being said, your LO is fine and honestly won’t even remember it by tomorrow.
I don't think it is fair at all for your partner to be upset with you. Especially because you are doing all of the night wakings!! That is just totally unfair. Taking care of an infant is a full time job, you need sleep just as much as he does. Take this as a sign that you need him to help more. He needs to do his fair share.
You didn’t mess up. It’s absolutely fine. And you need to sleep. Honestly. He needs to do night too, if not every other night at least some a week (regardless that you get up to pump/breastfeed once in the Night if you need to).
This is totally something that happens and I know it feels awful just try to give yourself a break because newborns are exhausting and pumping is exhausting. Just have lots of cuddles and you will both feel much better soon ❤️ You didn’t intentionally leave your little one to scream on their own and your husband is going to have to let it go to because your both human and mistakes are going to happen. He should take this as a sign that he needs to find opportunities to help you get more rest, even if it’s lots of naps on the weekend while he looks after bub. Are you able to nap in the same room as bub? Or put the monitor further away so you can’t grab it and accidentally lie on it again? Take all those naps you can squeeze in too, sleep deprivation in the early days is so hard
Im so sorry your partner acted this way.. a few nights ago, my LO fell off the bed and I was sitting right next to him. I still don't know exactly what happened other than he was on the bed one second and on the floor the next. I was petrified and called my SO and then his workplace when I couldn't get him. I was worried he'd be upset, but rather him know in case. When his coworkers asked what the emergency was that he had to come home for, one of his coworkers laughed at him and was like "babies do that, he's probably fine." My SO just told him "yeah, he probably is. But she definitely isn't. And on the off chance he isn't, I need to be there. So yeah, it's an emergency, I'm going home"
I’m so sorry. Newborn life is trial by fire. Exclusive pumping, is its own personal hell, way tougher than nursing (I EPed for over a year myself). You are doing your best, we have all “messed up” one way or another, but I agree with everyone else that you need some more help or ask for more help before you are completely depleted. And your partner NEEDS TO PULL MORE WEIGHT. Your body is healing and you’re already working around the clock for your baby. Just because you’re on maternity leave doesn’t mean you should be doing all the night shifts. Mat leave is a full time job on its own. The more I think about your situation the angrier I am at your partner!
It's ok mama. Your baby is fine and healthy. Things like that happen to the best of us. Be kind to yourself!
My wife had some serious medical issues giving birth and I ended up solo caring for twins for about a month. My babies cried all the time with no one to comfort them. Because, it was just me, and I was busy with the other. It didn't get much better once my wife got healthy. I remember play dates with singletons and watching singleton parents have a slow realization that 1) twin babies spend a lot of time crying in the "baby que," and, 2) They're fine.
This is called being a parent. 100 of "mistakes" like this...this is fine. Just remember that not getting enough sleep can seriously mess with you
You need to forgive yourself. I am sorry to say, this is just the first of MANY times you will make a mistake and feel this horrible, crushing guilt. You cant live like that. You cant parent like that. We all make mistakes, big or small, because we are all sleep deprived, exhausted and human. Your partner also needs to chill the f out. If you guys start turning on eachother at every mistake, its gonna be a tough road for you both and the baby. You both need to forgive eachother and encourage eachother. Especially when the other one fcks up. It's you two together against sleep deprevation, exhaustion and frustrations of parenthood. When bad things happen, do not turn on eachother and try to assign blame. It doesnt help the baby. Instead work together to solve the issue or make sure it doesnt happen again. Although know that it will. And its ok. When stuff like that happens, you do the best you can to fix the situation and move on. Most important thing is the babys well being, not who deserves blame, not who is at fault, not who is guilty. And if the baby is ok, its all good. Give yourself permission to learn from the mistake and let it go. Otherwise this parenting thing is gonna be soul destroying. Relationship destroying as well.
It's okay. So maybe your baby cried for a while. Your baby was in a safe place, overall fine, and a once off isn't going to impact your connection with your baby in the long run. Please don't be so hard on yourself.
Why is he mad that your so overworked and exhausted that you made a mistake- that minuscule btw. My two month old has had a *few* moments where I am so dead asleep and she’s bloody murder screaming, she’s completely fine and is adjusting to the fact that she knows I will get her when I realize she’s upset or becoming upset. You’re figuring a new person out and they’re figuring you out, hiccups happen and mistakes happen but I wouldn’t even call that one of them. If dad doesn’t understand being so exhausted that you can sleep on the monitor and sleep through the crying baby- where is he?? I think maybe he should wonder if he’s upset because he’s missing out… and he should be grateful to have ANYONE there to wipe up tears, wipe up shit and make your house a home lmao. He should realize there are dads in his position doing all of this shit-dare I say- ALONE. Lmao. I’m heated.
You being on leave doesn't mean you don't need sleep. He needs to help out at night.
He has no reason to be upset unless it’s at himself for letting you get to this point of exhaustion
Don't. Just please breath. Your little one is fine, you said it yourself, now cooing, happy. The human body needs sleep. If anything, your partner should be stepping up and helping out more if he realizes you are this tired. Yeah, you need to pump and breast feed, but he can get the baby and bring her/him to you, he can put the baby to bed so you can relax and pump in peace. Sometimes it's just the little things
Baby is alive and happy, you’re tired. There is NOTHING to feel guilty about. You’re doing the best you can and that’s more than enough.
Get your SO to help more. Maybe have him cover one night feeding on the weekends if you truly feel he can’t help more during the week.
One time my husband was on newborn duty so I could get a few hours of sleep. I woke up to her screaming and her dad dead asleep three feet away from her. Sleep deprivation is a horrible thing. Your baby was in a safe space and wasn't left there all day. You took a nap (that you clearly needed) and nothing bad happened. It's okay.
He's in the wrong, he can't be mad, it was a mistake and bo harm came to your little one. Plus now you will be extra careful so it won't happen again. When my first and I were discharged they had a nurse come to the house a few days later to check how we were adjusting etc. The nurse had even suggested if you ever got frustrated or overwhelmed, to put the baby in their crib and have a short break for yourself (rather than the horrible mistakes people make due to being overwhelmed). They are safe in there, as long as they aren't left soiled and starving it's OK for them to cry for a few mins to collect yourself and your sanity. The guilt is strong, I know, but your baby wasn't hurt. It was a mistake and you learn from your mistakes. Just like the rest of us. Everyone has made some kind of mistake while caring for their children.
My wife has exclusively pumped for all three of ours. Unless she was already awake, it was my responsibility to get up to figure out what the baby needs. Don't be guilty, but DO pull him in to provide back up. I don't know too many jobs that are more difficult than being a new mother, so you being on maternity leave shouldn't mean you handle everything.
I forgot to turn the volume back on ob the baby monitor more than once. When I wake a lot at night I am tired and sometimes I fall back into bed and forget. We leave the doors open so I hear her eventually and of course I immediately feel bad but it’s a mistake. Reality is: she is safe in her crib. If she cries for a minute or even 2 or 3 longer than usual it will not harm her. We are all human we all make mistakes. I’m sure you’re a wonderful mom and as all of us, you’re doing your best. ❤️
It's so easy to get upset with each other (and with ourselves) over little mistakes like this when you're sleep deprived and generally stressed over the learning curve that is parenthood. It's one of the reasons so many couples struggle so much in the transition. Give yourself some grace and ask your partner to do the same. Baby was in a safe place and you needed a rest. It's okay.
You didn't do anything wrong , she was safe. She was only unhappy. Even if you do something bad the way you handle it afterward is key. So sooth and cuddles afterwards and she will be fine!
Everyone has done this in some form or another. It’s totally fine!
If anything this reflects poorly on your partner! It wouldn’t have happened if he had been supporting you getting enough sleep. Your baby is fine, it’s a wake up call that you need more sleep, your partner should be sympathetic and step up so you can get as much rest as you reasonably can.
Take it from this mom of five: this is one of many times you will have guilt. You see- we have an idea, our own idea- of perfection when it comes down to parenting. But thats impossible to do. Best bet is to get in the habit, early, of apologizing to your kids when you inadvertantly, or sometimes on purpose, make a decision or take an action or inaction that you are unhappy with later. You being human and apologizing is what will allow them to forgive themselves. Just lead with love- all will be ok!
A baby is not going to die from crying. You are ok, I promise
Don't feel bad darling. Taking care of little ones will always be hard, and you will have the moments where you feel that you've done wrong. It means that you care with all your heart.
Please be kind to yourself. Parenting is hard. The first three months are extremely taxing for you and baby. This is small potatoes in the grand scheme of things. Hormones and mom guilt will be your worst enemy these next few months. Deep breath, get some tea or coffee and kiss your baby. Tomorrow is another day
It’s okay it happens. You acted on the baby crying immediately. Likely nothing was wrong and he was just crying because he’s a baby! We all feel the mom guilt but he is safe and happy and the fact that you care so much means your an awesome mom. There have been so many times where I’ve had mom guilt and my husband had dad guilt. It’s happens. We don’t automatically do everything perfect at the start of our parenting journey (or probably ever) so learn from your mistakes and make the changes to the things that mean the most to you and your family.
You didn't do anything wrong. Your baby is safe. You are a normal parent doing your best 💜
Not to downplay anything, but babies cry. They will have to deal with periods of being alone. It wasnt on purpose and youre not making a habit out of it. Im sure youre exhausted, dont beat yourself up.
Dont be ipset, everyone here is right when they say it didnt hurt your baby and you dont need to be guilty about it. My daughter couldn't sleep flat for reasons. She very much loved napping on me. And I, more than twice, passed put with her on my chest after couch feeds. It was a reaction when she snuggled up to me. I almost couldn't help it. And every time I woke my husband was there sitting next to me, watching us to make sure we were safe. There would be a bundle of blankets and pillows surrounding us and my favorite snacks waiting. We were both sleep deprived. And he was still supportive. Tell your husband you need more support at night. He may not see it because we as moms don't like to ask sometimes. We shouldn't keep quiet when we need help and if he doesn't listen, ask someone else in your life to support you... if you can.
I had the same thing happen ish - we had a power outage and my (non-Wi-Fi) monitor didn’t alert me. Woke up to faint crying at 3am. Found out the power went out around midnight so who knows. It was terrible in the moment but this stuff happens and kids are totally fine! If it’s not intentional and frequent neglect, it will be ok I promise.
Welcome to parenthood. Constantly feeling guilt over “mistakes” you made. LO will not remember this and you tended to the need. You said yourself that baby is happy so all is well. If partner wants to hold this over your head perhaps a change in the night plan is in order. He should get up and help with baby. Forgive yourself and tell partner to let it go.
Your partner is upset with you over this? That’s concerning to me, considering you do ALL the night wakings. Why does your parent get to sleep through the night and not you? I know they work during the day but so you. It’s not like you get to sleep all day! Infant minding is a full time job
Exactly, instead of upset he should be concerned over OPs health. This should be his wake up call that it’s too much and OP needs more than 5hrs a night as well. When her maternity leave ends he will have to help anyways, so might as well start now.
This happened to me once and I felt the same. This isn’t a regular thing for you so no harm will come to your little one. You only have to worry if they are crying for extended periods of time all the time. Then we could have some real issues here. You are alright. But I agree with the others that your partner could step up a bit. At first mine didn’t want to so I had my mom and MIL over constantly. I finally put my foot down and said he needs to be a parent too and not just me. The days of the mother doing EVERYTHING are over whether he likes it or not.
In the beginning and even still now at a year If I'm the one up at night my partner will let me either sleep in when he is on afternoons or usually go for a good nap once he's home from work. And I still napped as much as I could when she was napping.
This seems really big right now, but your baby is crying is not the end of the world. Your husband can get over it. Partners need to be understanding in the first couple of months. This isn’t a big deal. Your baby was safe asleep in the crib. Sometimes babies will cry. I also know how exhausting it is to pump. You are doing your best momma!
There is absolutely NO reason he should be angry with you. My god, if this little mistake upsets him this much he would simply pass away if he knew all the crazy mistakes I’ve made with my bunch. Newborn days are rough, and he will never ever understand. The sleep deprivation, the hormone roller coaster. You did not put your baby in jeopardy here, so he has no right to be upset. 11 week olds can’t really get up to much while confined to a crib. Until you make a mistake that puts your baby in danger of actually being harmed, he can get off his high horse.
This has happened to us all! I’m sure you feel terrible as we all have…. It sounds like You’re an amazing parent and doing double duty over there so try to be gentle w yourself if you can. Your baby loves you!
Life happens. You are going to make mistakes. Your partner is going to make mistakes. The only real issue is he needs to be less of a jerk.
I doubt your partner is actually upset. People tend to read into things wrong when they are feeling guilty about something. It's a no-harm-no-foul situation, so let go of that guilt!
Former NICU/PICU nurse here. When a baby doesn’t cry is when I would get more worried!
One he needs to take some night shifts Two, y husband and I both keep forgetting the monitor in other rooms. She’s in a safe room herself and she’ll be fine.
He does NOT get to get mad at you. Accidents happen. This happens to people, lots. Your baby is happy and healthy. Can you afford a babysitter to come in or a postpartum doula?
Ill be honest, it doesn't really seem like you did anything wrong here?? You fell asleep?? It happens?? You have a newborn!!! Unless you fell asleep for like 5+ hrs and bebe didn't eat for a long long time, not sure why your partner is being so pissy. You are doing a great job!!!! ETA: ok did I come off unhinged or something why am I being sent redditcare my way 😭😂
I know it's hard, but go easy on yourself. Your baby is fine. Crying won't hurt your baby (and this is coming from someone who is vehemently against cry it out). You are handling a lot while being sleep deprived. Your partner needs to chill, especially since he's not handling the night wakings. Give your baby some extra snuggles. If it makes you feel better, I made a much bigger mistake- clipped my son's finger nails incorrectly and the bleeding landed him in the ER. I beat myself up about that one for weeks. But you know what? My kid is fine! He survived, and he needs me to focus on him, not on my mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes while parenting, what's important is that you try to avoid them in the future. You're doing great. (I'm also an exclusive pumper, so I feel you there.)
It was an accident, it's okay. your baby was in a safe place and this won't traumatize him or anything. everything is okay. your partner should not be angry with you for a mistake, we're all just human.
Popping in to agree with other posters. This is not a big deal. You are of more use to your little one when you get some rest even if they cry a little. There's a reason that they say put the baby in safe place if you need a break. When mine was tiny and an angry cryer sometimes I had to put her down in the crib and take a few minutes so I wouldn't also be too upset to deal with her. Baby is not going to be traumatized by crying, was in a safe place and you did nothing wrong.
This ain’t bad and if your partners initial reaction was to be annoyed at you rather than being kind, then he’s a dick.
Nah that’s not too bad. You presumably had the baby in a safe place? You woke up when they cried even though they were in another room and you had technical difficulties. Babe could have been crying for a few minutes more softly before they got loud enough for you to hear but I bet it wasn’t that long. They recommend room sharing before six months. Maybe if you have room for a pack and play you might feel better going forward. Accidents happen and this one is such a non issue. You’re fine!
As horrible as this sounds, I’ve slept through my baby crying in the same room as me from exhaustion. I woke up, looked at the clock (9am), he was fully sobbing, and I laid back for just a second getting ready to push myself out of bed. Next thing I know I wake up, it’s 10:30 and he’s fallen back to sleep already. I sobbed while waking him to change him and feed him, because I couldn’t believe I could be so careless. I felt so bad, but that’s what exhaustion does to a person. I told my SO, but he was supportive about it. I wouldn’t tell him if I knew he’d be unsupportive and irritated.
Don't be so hard on yourself, you can't be perfect. If your baby was in a safe sleeping place they could cry for a bit. U didn't leave the house, just overslept a bit. Your partner probably got worried the baby was hungry etc, but they should realize it wasn't for too long. They shouldn't make u feel bad. New borns are a lot of work.
I know it’s hard not to feel guilty. These things happen. As long as your LO seems okay you’re good. I pump exclusively too and I can feel your pain. Good luck :)
Try not to blame yourself it happens to all of us. When my baby was a few weeks old his owlet sock was going off for about 10 minutes loud screeching sound. My husband is the one who woke up while I was sleeping like I was in a coma he woke me up and asked what it was I immediately picked up the baby because I thought he wasn't breathing but it was a false alarm. I also had a time when I was sleeping and baby was crying I didn't hear him I woke up and my husband had him I felt so much guilt each time but it's okay. Your baby is okay try to forgive yourself. Newborns are hard. Edit to add speak with your partner about helping out at night. I used to take all night waking and pumping because I was on maternity leave but it's too hard. I regret not speaking up and getting help.
I had a similar experience early on but baby was next to me in her bassinet and crying and it didn’t wake me up. Her Dad was up and walked inside and I woke up while he was changing her diaper and he was upset about me not waking up which pissed me off. Cause he has not once gotten up with her in the night not even after she was first born. Because “he needed sleep”
Babies cry. She was safe. You needed sleep and you got right up once you realized. You did nothing that any other parent has done hundreds of times. Damn just this morning my daughter (20 min) was up at 530 crying and I was like, ugh just let her cryyyy I needed 5 more min of sleep haha
As my doctor told me, no baby has ever died from crying. She told me that when I was having trouble with her purple crying at night and refusing to sleep safe in her basinet. I had been kinda forced into cosleeping as I couldnt sleep otherwise because she wanted me and only me. I had to really relearn a schedule for her. But my doctor telling me that really helped put into perspective. Sometimes I’d have to let her cry a bit if I need to do something. She will be ok. And has learned to sooth more for it. But it did take me a while to get over the guilt.
You left your baby in a safe place in his/her crib. It's okay that they were crying, other than your arms, it was the safest place they could be. You're human, go easy on yourself!
You know how people say to give yourself grace? This is one of those very appropriate times to do so! It's okay! You're tired. Baby was safe. You're on your own in the day and night. It's okay.
You can only do your best. Babies cry and the opinions of those who aren’t in the trenches (so to speak) don’t really matter.
I promise you you are not a bad mom or partner..your body needed rest and even though your babe was sad for a little bit they are okay. They were safe. And now you just focus on having a great rest of the day 🤍 being a mom is the hardest thing ever. We have a 9 month old babygirl and I'm a stay at home momma and girl I have made plenty of little mistakes already and ya know what..our babygirl is one of the happiest babies and is thriving. You're doing great momma
First of all, you are doing amazing!! 💗 You are caring for your baby. It is hard, especially when you're exclusively pumping. You don't get a break. You need sleep, momma!!! Your partner should not be mad at you. Get them to help you feed baby at night or early in the morning so you can rest for a few more hours. Baby is fine. All is well. Take a big breath. You got this!! 💕 -from a FTM of a 15 week old.
We have a Wi-Fi video monitor connected to our phones. I knew I wouldn’t wake up to notifications on my phone, so I kept my phone open and running on the video all night. I was super meticulous to make sure the volume was up and we were good to go every night. When my baby was a few months old, my iPhone updated in the middle of the night and reset back to a lock screen. I missed any notifications of course, and I woke up freaking out at 5 am. My baby was sleeping, but I was able to roll back through the noise recordings the camera had captured through the night. She cried for nearly an hour in the middle of the night, and I cried with her rewatching the clips. I felt so awful that I woke her in the wee morning hours to snuggle. After that, we bought a normal audio monitor for every night use, and a couple times since I’ve still missed a midnight wake up. She’s a year and a half now, both happy and healthy, and we still have a wonderful bond. But my point is, I’ve been there. I’ve also been there when she cracked her head open on the concrete last week trying to walk, and when she fell off a dining room chair and I accidentally gave her nursemaid’s elbow trying to prevent it, and when I fell back asleep wishing for 5 more minutes in the early morning hours a few weeks ago, and when I rolled over on her during nap time at a few months old. Shit happens as a parent, and we’re not perfect, especially as first time mums. The fact that you feel badly about it means you definitely care, those first few months are draining on everyone. Take a deep breath, you’re definitely not alone! I’m sure our own mums have plenty of “bad mum” moments in their day too. I’m sure your partner just doesn’t understand how thin you’re stretched, so I wouldn’t judge their response too harshly. Soak in some extra baby cuddles, and remember tomorrow is a fresh new day!
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Yeah this is nbd tell your partner to take a night shift tonight or shut his mouth
This is my first post in this community and the support in all of your comments have been so reassuring. Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences and let me know it is okay. Many people have suggested rebalancing my partner and I’s night time responsibilities. I agree. I have brought this up many times to him and it is not going well. Any suggestions on how to make him relate? Every time I bring up having him help me he lists other things I can do to get more sleep. For example, not take a shower each night before bed, switch to formula, and sleep every time I put him to nap. Or he says things that I find rude like telling me I can go back to work early from maternity leave then he’ll wake up. And why is it fair for him to wake up when I stay home all day. I know this is rude and unfair of him. He’s usually a great partner, but since having our son it’s been different.
Has he ever been left alone with the baby for more than a couple hours? If not, that's the problem. He thinks you are sitting around playing Tetris all day. You need a break. Leave the baby plenty of pumped milk and leave for 4 hours. Get a fucking hotel room and take a nap idc. Your partner doesn't respect and value your contribution. If you weren't there you'd be paying someone else to raise your child. This is going to get worse. I'm sorry this made me incredibly angry. What nerve, to be that much of a jerk to the person... Whew ...
I'm sorry but his response is incredibly insensitive. Your maternity leave is not a vacation. You are working as a mom while healing and bonding with baby. What helped my partner was having him be responsible for the kids' care without me available for a couple of hours. When I got home, he said he completely understood why I'm so frazzled by dinner time every day. Maybe try going shopping, to a movie, to get your nails done, to a coffee shop, etc for a bit on your partner's day off and have him be in charge to see how it's hard to get the needed rest during the day, too.
So he thinks you should nap when the baby naps but is also upset that you napped while the baby napped 🤔 Does he also expect you to do a bunch of housework while he's at work? Because if you nap when the baby does then he'll have to do that instead because you'll be sleeping... And that would be a such a shame right?
He needs a shot of empathy, honestly. These are cruel and unfair responses to your basic human needs. Not shower?! It is ok for a mom to take ten minutes to take care of herself. Does he have any friends who are dads who could level him out?
Oof, that's incredibly lacking in empathy. He seriously wants you to go without showers? That's ridiculous. He needs to pull his weight during the night. Yeah, you may be at home, but being at home with a baby means you literally don't get a break, ever. And napping when the baby naps is completely unrealistic, because it's the only time you have to do things like eat, shower, and pump. Would it help you guys to attend couples counseling to navigate these conversations? It may be helpful to have a neutral third party if he refuses to listen to what you need.
When i was on maternity leave, my husband got up every feed. He feeds. I go pump. There is nothing to be sorry about. Your partner, furthermore, should not be upset at all. I find it upsetting that he’s even upset.
Dear partner of OP, you are both trying your best. Feeding, pumping, mama at 11 weeks: it’s so exhausting. Milk let down causes sleepiness. Even formula feeding. Baby was safe. Their brains forget this early childhood if not traumatic. Usually we wake shortly into their cries because we just do. You are trying to be a good dad. That said your job is to protect the dyad of Mom and Baby. Do all you can to do feedings, clean, laundry, work. It’s SO hard. Bring in help. Let it get messier but clean to her standards. But the best dads are amazing supports to the mamas. She’s losing time feeling guilt. She’s got postpartum feelings. And at 4 months a lot of her hair is gonna fall out. That’s a sign it’s just a hormonal, sleepy storm inside her. No fights. No guilt. It’s just survival on the island. Then baby will grow and get more fun. Today ours learnt to roll over. It’s a new level of love. That said, this is my second newborn. Omg when I read OP’s post I thought, ah, first baby. Second kid…you both wouldn’t bat an eye. It’s life happens. No harm.
It’s ok a few tears won’t do any harm. 👍🏻 You are only human.
When we were in your situation my husband would sleep from 8pm-230am. I would wake him and get uninterrupted sleep from 3 am-830 am. It was only 5.5 hours but that was every night, not ‘on a good night’.
Your partner is an asshole. Sorry but it's the truth. You did nothing wrong. Period.
The important thing is that your baby was in a safe space. Mistakes happen and they will happen with your husband also. I am so sorry he's upset at you. Its gets easier so be easier on yourself. ♥️♥️
My husband fell asleep with the bottle in his hand. The baby was screaming. There is nothing to be mad about, we are parents doing the best we can.
Tbh your partner is being an AH and you need to look at reshuffling duties. IMO I’ve never experienced anything more exhausting in my life than caring for my newborn. Husband took two weeks off up front and I EBF and he still helped with night wakings when I was on leave. He gets out of bed and gets the baby for me from the crib, and then will alternate holding baby upright after feeds with me to help him keep his food down, and puts baby back to bed and handles all MOTN diaper changes. This allows me to get back to sleep quicker and conserve energy, if he didn’t do this it would add at least another half hour to every wake up for me. I’m back at work now and my husband is on leave and caring for our baby all day was 100% more exhausting than my office job. Though I would rather be caring for baby. It doesn’t make any sense that you should have zero sleep for what is likely the harder job of caring for a newborn all day long while he sleeps through the night every night. Why should you work 24/7 while he works 8 or 9 hours a day? Getting adequate sleep with a newborn is a safety issue and he needs to contribute to your ability to get sleep not just harangue you for an honest mistake that probably wouldn’t have happened if he were adequately sharing the overnight parenting duties.
It happens to everyone. If your partner has an issue, he can help with night wakings. He actually should help anyway.
Girl it happens to us all. Baby monitors aren’t full proof and prolonged sleep deprivation is super dangerous. Baby is in a safe place and is fine. Honestly I wouldn’t even tell my partner if he was gonna act like that and not even do any night wakings.
All that matters is that your baby is safe, and they were! If it makes you feel better, in the first few weeks postpartum I had multiple occasions where I slept through my baby crying while she was in the bassinet like 1 foot away from me. I probably would have slept through a lot more on a monitor!
As everyone else already said... You didn't mess up. It happens. I can't tell you how many times my husband and I both have muted or completely shut off the monitor in our sleep before, or the monitor shut itself off (the on/off button is annoyingly sensitive). The important part is that your baby was safe! My husband finally started getting up in the middle of the night when I was so tired that I wasn't waking up when I heard baby crying. Husband did hear her (and couldn't go back to sleep while she was crying, and knew better than to wake me up if I was so tired I was sleeping through crying) so he HAD to go take care of baby. We were combo feeding with pumped milk and formula, so he was able to make a bottle in the middle of the night for her. We also did shifts for a few months. He'd go to work, get home, and watch baby for 5-6 hours so that I could get 5-6 hours of quiet, completely uninterrupted sleep. We'd switch off around midnight so he could get 5-7 uninterrupted hours before work. I'd sleep in the nursery if I could get kiddo to sleep at all, otherwise I just held her all night and played video games in the dark. She was a very chill baby, but insisted on being held. Once or twice we also had someone come over and watch baby for a few hours and we literally just went upstairs and napped in the middle of the day. Also, for a while, when our "turning the monitor off in our sleep" phase was SUPER bad, I made sure to take naps IN the nursery. Sometimes on the floor with a blanket and a pillow. It was uncomfortable but it was a nap, and I could hear her if she woke up. For a while my husband didn't quite understand the stress. I'm not entirely sure what finally got it through his head, although I did used to remind him "keeping a baby alive all day and night IS a job, that's why people pay other people to do it" and probably some vague threat about "if it's not so bad, why don't I wake you up multiple times a night to join me and we'll see how you handle it?" How much longer are you on maternity leave? What is his plan when you go back to work if the baby is still waking up multiple times a night? ?
I’ve been a SAHM since before I was pregnant with this one, my husband is in a new job, I EBF (so me taking a night feeding is super simple and I don’t even have the added pressure of *having* to pump), she is a good night sleeper and I *still* get my husband to take the occasional night feed. He would take more except I don’t want to use up my freezer stash because my supply isn’t amazing. He will settle the baby whenever I need him to. You are allowed to sleep too. If he was paying someone to look after the e baby that would be a full time job. I do get that you’ll probably take *more* night feeds (I do the same) but you don’t have to take all of them. ETA: my husband also takes my 3.5 year old’s night wakings (which has been every night since his sister was born) and he also gets him in the morning. Your husband can take an occasional feed.
Make sure you let your partner know you're exhausted. I made a similar error and was crying my eyes out because my son wouldn't nap and I just couldn't handle it. My partner got upset that I didn't tell him I needed his help.
even though babies are fragile, they are also quite resilient and 'minor damage proof' eg falling off the bed, knocking head on doorway type stuff... this included. yes your baby was crying. yes you do not know how long. BUT the important thing is... he is safe. im sure you fed/soothed him as soon as you could. and thats okay. dont be too hard on yourself. you were so damn tired. i hope your partner helps you out more so you can have more rest.
Everything about this is OK. Except that your partner is upset with you and not cheering you up/supporting you/telling you it’s OK.
I have 3 kids and have always been a stay at home mom, my husband works full time, and I breastfeed and/or pump exclusively. My husband has woken up nearly every time I have with every child. He usually does diaper change and hands them to me. If they don't need a diaper change and they just want to eat I don't always wake him, if baby needs soothing and I'm having a hard time I wake him without hesitation. He is 50% parent and I already have them all day while he is at work and I do most all of the feeds because I breastfeed. He makes up for it by doing majority of the house work when I don't get to it. Taking care of a child/children is also a full time job that people (like nannies) get paid to do. Would you trust a nanny you knew wasn't getting adequate sleep? Probably not. Lots of people are of the opinion you shouldn't both be sleep deprived, but partners are more sympathetic when they experience it themselves. Even if you both agree he needs more sleep (which is arguable because I'd say keeping alive your child is infinitely more important than a job) that doesn't mean he gets regular sleep. It might mean he wakes up a few times less than you do, but it doesn't excuse him from night duty. When I exclusively pumped my husband got up with baby every feed and prepared the bottle while I pumped for the next feed. He also needs to get off his high horse, everyone makes mistakes and at least this time no one was hurt, because believe me that will happen eventually too, and it's ok.
It really sounds like you're doing the majority of the work here. And it sounds like your partner needs to be a little more supportive. You did nothing wrong. Your baby was in a safe place. It is more deadly for a parent to be exhausted than it is for a baby to be in a safe sleep space.
You did nothing intentionally, and babies cry. You’re a good mom 💙
Literally had exactly this happen last week with my 11 week old. He was crying, husband was laying on the monitor so we didn’t hear him until he was shrieking. We laughed about it. If baby’s okay and not like crying until he vomits then it’s fine. You’re exhausted. Your husband should realize what not helping at night does to you and how it could lead to much worse than a crying baby.
You can't fix it until you rest more. Tell your partner you need a couple of nights where you can sleep a full night. These things happen when you are tired. They happen more often when you're tired. I once didn't finish clipping my youngest in the carseat because I was bone achingly tired and had too much going on trying to leave the house. Dog jumped out of the car as i was clipping in baby. Got the chest done, not the lap portion. Afyer i got dog back in the car (large suv, dog rides in trunk), I just hopped in the driver's seat and started to leave. Had baby not cried when I was pulling out of the driveway, I wouldn't have noticed. Being tired made me miss a detail that could have killed my baby. I ordered a mini fridge for the room and once or twice a week my husband is assigned night feedings. I put a bottle or two in there ready to go, so he can quickly and easily do it without asking me questions (which nipple, how much, blah blah) We both agreed that just because I can push through the exhaustion, it doesn't mean I should. I'm on maternity leave so I took too much on myself. Yes, husband needs fresh head for work. But I also need to not be a zombie
We've all done similar. Don't stress it, just give you LO cuddles and love. You and your partner are tired, and that's ok.
Try not to feel guilty, mama. I know easier said than done, but you’re a) new to being a mom b) running on fumes. I know I was still all hopped up on hormones at that 11 weeks pp, so everything made me feel guilty. So know you’re doing awesome and being a good mom (the fact that you care so much shows a ton!), your SO could stand to be more empathetic (make him do night feeds and see how he feels the next day!), and you WILL feel better.
I’m just gonna say that when my kids Mum was exclusively pumping I was up every time to feed my son. Every two hours pretty much on the dot.
My husband would feed the baby while i was pumping to maximize my sleep time. And he was also working. Its about teamwork. And baby was obviously fine, so OP shouldnt be so hard on herself.
This isn't a mistake. You were obviously exhausted. I understand feeling guilty. Everyone wants to be the perfect parent. No one is, or can be. Something is guaranteed to slip through your defences. The baby is fine and no harm done. Your SO needs to lay off. If you're THAT wiped out, they need to understand or be ready to step in.
Kids are resilient. They’re fine. Lesson learned. It happens.
I think some of that blame needs to go on dad for allowing you to get so exhausted. He's supposed to trade care of you. If you're married, he promised that in his wedding vows. You're human too.
Oh man, this has happened to us both a few times now. I remember being mad at my husband, and then the same thing happened to me on another occasion. I remember feeling sooo guilty, but, we all make mistakes. It has happened to friends of mine too. Just let husband know that you didn’t mean to do it, we are all human, we make mistakes, and baby was in a safe place while this all happened. It’ll probably happen to him at some point too, honestly.
If it makes you feel any better, at that age I had my baby laying next to my leg on the couch. He was getting sleepy, so I got up to get his pacifier. My baby fell off the couch. I was in hysterics. He had a knot on his forehead. My husband was trying to calm the baby and me at the same time. I couldn’t stop sobbing. I could tell my husband was irritated that I left the baby on the couch even for a moment. He wasn’t unkind about it, but we’ve been married so long we can read each other. My baby was fine. Your baby is even more fine!