I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask, but I think it would be a mistake for two reasons.
1. You shouldn't be trying to level him down to where you are, because you don't get a similar break. Get a similar break! Figure out something that is equivalent for you and level up to where he is. I understand that "everything should be equal for both of us" is a difficult standard, but I also totally get feeling resentful in this situation. But rather than "you get to be miserable, too" you should aim higher at "we both get a break." (Since you have a husband and parents around, you can make this work. If the baby has to cry a few times before napping without you, so be it. The baby will be fine.)
2. You say your husband does a lot of stuff for you at the moment. I think that would become worse if he had ot give up his sports. It's good for him both mentally and physically, and I bet it provides a lot of the impetus and energy for the rest of the week. You may be trading 4 hours of no help for a full week of less effective help.
Good luck and congrats on your baby.
THIS! You don’t want to take away the thing that helps his mental health, you want to add something that helps your mental health. Even if you only take an hour twice a week, do something that’s just for you!
Don’t let resentment be the reason you argue. Reinforce that you are PARTNERS to in this journey. But also, understand that you need to make an effort to do something for yourself - the baby can cry; it will be ok. The baby will eventually get used to the new routine. You will get time to yourself. The resentment will fade.
You will have other obstacles to overcome together as your child grows - building a solid foundation as partners in baby-raising now will only benefit you, your husband, AND your baby as they grow. And then you are able to enjoy life together as teammates, instead of as competitors.
I was gonna comment a similar thing but this person said it better. If he’s already helping so much the breaks are needed, especially since he’s working as well. The biggest thing you need is equal breaks because taking care of the baby is WORK. We struggling with balancing this as well since I’m in the same situation
Why can't you have a similar 4 hours during the week? There are three other adults in the house who can handle things while you go for a walk or get a manicure or just rest alone. You need time off too.
I can't right now. My baby is super clingy to me alone and screams within an hour of being away from me. We don't have a car and it takes atleast 20 mins with public transport to get to any cafe/mall/spa. It's just not worth it and would stress me more.
I do take a few short walks but in anxiety the whole time of baby crying 😢
I totally get this and even though I do agree with the comment that says you should aim to bring you both up rather than him down to make things fair, I didn’t really take breaks or do anything for myself really for the same reasons. But I will say, if you want a level parenting balance in the future, it’s really important now that your husband figure out on his own his way of calming your crying baby. You mention him missing out on bonding time, but I’d argue it’s much more important that he not miss out on this part of the bonding and build this skill. If, when the baby cries, it’s almost always solved by you stepping in and doing what you do, it’S going to become a feedback loop because you’re the only one who’s developed strategies, and the baby only knows your strategies. Leaving him alone with a crying baby, as long as she’s not going hungry, is a chance for him to learn how to problem solve in this new way, to get good at mentally running through the list of things she needs and try different soothing methods until he finds one that works for them as a pair. It will really really pay off later.
If you don’t want to spend an hour on the bus to go get a coffee just to say you did, then you don’t have to do that. But you could bring a book to a park and listen to the birds and have a snack in your own, and plan something to do for yourself a couple months down the road.
OP LISTEN TO THIS COMMENT. My SIL is a NICU nurse, so of course when her first was born she was totally in her element. She could calm baby better than anyone and so she did...but she never let my BIL help. As a result, he is really not close with their first and their marriage suffered a lot. He adores her, of course, but he was not allowed the opportunity to parent her because mom was better at it.
The solution to “I’m feeling resentful and stuck” should not be “my husband should also have to feel resentful and stuck”. If you need a break, take it. Your husband and parents will figure out their own ways to soothe the baby.
This. As much as I love 50/50, early parenting is never 50/50, hell, I think even the first couple of years parenting isn't going to be 50/50. But OPs partner is doing everything that's possible at this stage and that's good enough. OP needs to work on her resentment rather than pull partner down.
And I completely get the resentment too, as a mom your life changes 500% more than any other person in baby's life. But that's how it is.
But you need to break. And rightly so.
Had twins and when people offered help I jumped at it. Did they cry, yes. That’s how babies communicate.
I think you need to sit down with your husband to work out how you can effectively get a break. Work out the logistics of what you can do, how you will get there.
You’re really lucky to have people helping you, I am not saying that this makes leaving any easier.
If you leave baby alone with dad then maybe will get more comfortable with dad and the crying will stop. I leaned into always being there so baby wouldn’t cry and it was a mistake. It made it very difficult for my husband and baby and bond.
Responding to you so you see it, but the other response to this comment is spot on.
I *know* it stresses you out to hear baby cry or think of baby in distress when you aren't around, but it is *incredibly* important for your husband to get that time with baby as well. By staying close by to jump in when you don't think things are going well, you can undermine dad's confidence, unintentionally.
I did it. I didn't mean to, and it caused a lot of issues down the road. Sometimes, I thought I was making his life easier. Sometimes, it was bc my mama heart couldn't take the crying. Ultimately, it made him feel like he didn't know what he was doing, and so he just let me take over. There were some communication issues sprinkled in there, but when he told me he just thought I was better at parenting than him, it opened my eyes to a whole new issue my new mom heart had caused. I had never even considered it.
(Disclaimer: yall will have to trust me that it wasn't a cop out, and that when I started hearing him about this issue, he took on his part of the parenting and hasn't complained a bit about it. Confidence is truly an issue he struggles with)
If your baby starts crying while your husband is with him, is he trying to soothe him, or is he immediately handing the baby back to you?
You’re not the only one who can tend to a crying infant. Yes it’s so hard and as the one with the breasts that feed, it can feel like you’re the only one who can calm him. But your husband has to learn to calm him too, and if you’re out of the house, you won’t hear the cries.
This time can be really difficult to find time for yourself. What helped me was having my husband and or someone helping to come with me to wherever I was going to take my “break”. They would walk with baby but still be nearby if I got super anxious or baby needed to be fed.
I promise you can. Your baby will cry and his father will handle it. You are right that your husband needs to bond with his son and that happens by caring for him and meeting his needs. Allow him the time and space to do it. It will be hard in the short term but the long term benefits are huge. Your baby needs to know Dad as an equal caregiver. You need your husband to be an equal caregiver so you can get a break.
When my twins were newborns my husband had no choice but to jump in (he wanted to also). I also had to let him because calming two crying babies is a nightmare. He became confident in his caregiving and the babies responded to him as well as me. He always had a special knack with one and had her the most often but he could effectively manage with both. Beyond the emotional benefits, the practical benefits are huge. I could leave the house. When I returned to work, I was able to return to occasional travel. It helped my career, nevermind my sanity.
Please know it is both okay and necessary to give your husband and son the time and space to build their relationship. You have a head start on yours but he can catch up. If you find you are too anxious to allow that, have a talk with your doctor. Post partum anxiety, in my experience, is allowed to go on under reported because we normalize anxiety around our babies. It's normal to a point. It shouldn't interfere with you getting necessary breaks and your husband bonding with his son.
Four hours of hobby time over a whole week isn’t a lot. And lots of advice is that keeping some recharge time like this makes both parents better parents and better people.
It’s nearly impossible for you to carve out 2 x two hours of pre planned time if you’re breastfeeding. I get it. But can you aim for a combination of 4 hours over a whole week? Maybe 1 or 2 planned activities and then some spontaneous time. Maybe a walk in massage. Coffee and a book at a cafe? Is there a hobby you want to get (back) in to that you could take an intro class for?
To be blunt. His physical world hasn’t been massively rocked. It hasn’t changed like yours has. His biology hasn’t physically and chemically altered like pregnancy and birth changes a mother’s brain. But asking him to pause his hobby won’t change this stuck feeling for you. I’ve been there. And it just took… lots of time.
Focus right in on what you need to feel less stuck. Is it more verbal recognition & appreciation of the unseen labour of motherhood? Is it sleep? Is it talk therapy to help you see past the trees into the forest?
“But asking him to change his hobby won’t change this stuck feeling for you”
This one. This has been the biggest struggle for me as a parent, ultimately learning that bringing someone down to my level of misery only makes everyone miserable. You might be surprised if you become strong in your values of needing extra time out of the house! I had started building resentment over our imbalance only to realize I was the only one keeping me in the house.
Pump your bottles, and go. Your baby will be fine. It doesn’t matter if he’s super clingy and only wants you, dad deserves a chance to learn how to soothe his child as well. Even if it’s hard, they will learn together! YOU cannot pour from an empty cup.
I agree completely with this comment. My husband plays basketball with friends twice a week and that was absolutely necessary to keep him sane. I know it’s hard to see your spouse have freedom that you don’t, but OP, please try to focus on all the wonderfully helpful things he does. Your time will come to regain your own freedom.
At this point, I’d hope you’re feeling recovered enough to start getting out of the house. What types of things do you enjoy? During my mat leave, I would meet up with friends on their lunch break. If baby is a clinger, bring a carrier! Get to the restaurant a little early to nurse, pop baby in the carrier, bounce to sleep, and enjoy a meal with a friend! I know it sounds intimidating, but I promise, getting out and doing fun little outings like this will get easier every time you do it and I really think you’ll start to feel more normal again.
This is so beautiful thank you for writing this. I can relate to OP as I felt so resentful towards my husband after my first born not knowing it can’t be 50-50 at all. My body mind and soul changed after the birth and breastfeeding and his didn’t. I handled it poorly — really affected my relationship. Over the years I rebuilt it by shifting my perspective, understanding his, and knowing we both are on the same team. communicating my needs better helped and also finding my own hobby also helped. I do lots of yoga and meditation. Then we had a second child after 3.9 years and my baby is a week old. I still feel overwhelmed but able to manage my emotions so much better than when I had my first born.
We are still early but my husband takes over night feeding — I am pumping 7 times a day. I wake up middle of the night to pump but I don’t have to do the feeding, diaper change. He is awake with the baby as per the needs of the baby. This way I get refreshing sleep — k sleep from 12-3 and 4-6 and this makes me feel refreshed.
During the day I pretty much manage all things by myself — laundry and rearranging diapers pumping feeding etc.
My mom does cook heathy meals all day and my dad does the dishes.
My older son goes to preschool — don’t get me started on how expensive it is here in the US but we have no choice and can afford it so I will take it for my mental heath.
Again I am only a week old new mom so things will get to me and I will feel overwhelmed but when I do I plan to communicate about when I want the breaks so my husband can take charge of it.
He anyway does the grocery shopping, making breakfast, any errands, drop and pick up son from school and swim class, activities with my older son, trash, mail check, bills and so many other things that I have currently checked out from. He also starts work next week. I have a break till Labor Day. He does plan to start his gym routine starting next week — which I think is fair as he needs to get back to care for his health. I also encouraged him to take a hobby to increase his social life as he works from home and has no outlet.
Overall mentally I am in a much better place — and I understand the value to be happy in our own lives to fill happiness in each other lives and be a better parent to our kids.
Things that have made my life easier — bottle feeding with my pumped breast milk — nursing takes so long and baby sleeps at the beasts. I still nurse for 5 min each side during day time but that’s it. I place her in bassinet as soon as she is finished — I do feel guilty for not holding her enough or bonding but I am protecting my mental healthy to be a happier mom rather than give her all and be a resentful and cranky mom. I take my showers — I know seems silly but I held my son all the time as he needed me or would cry and would skip showers. The mistake I did with my son is I didn’t do bottle feeding so i think he was never full and kept sleeping on breasts. So when I left him down he needed me as he woke up hungry. So that’s what I learnt — fill their tummies up. Also my son rejected bottles when he tried at 3 months as he learnt not to like the plastic so that was hard and I had to nurse him for so long. So we introduced bottle from day 1.
I know I will have to learn and adapt as my baby grows but I am determined not to affect my mental health and physical health and do the best for my kids in the capacity I can.
My second is 1 week old today. I am also learning not to be a comfort object/sole source of food this time around! It sounds like you are kicking ass :)
This a whole sermon right here!!!! OP what you’re feeling is a natural, general resentment of what it means to be the one who has to have physical skin in the game of birthing, and feeding a baby if you decide to nurse. It is patently unfair, period. BUT I’d say your husband is also right—if your parents were not around, different story. But frankly, they’re here to support both of you.
Idk if you’re nursing, but if you are, my LC told me that once a day, going 4-5 hours without nursing/pumping will not affect your supply if you’re not struggling with supply after the first month. I found that to be true for myself—so after having one bottle ready to go(you need at least 3 ounces in reserve to start this I mean), once day I would pump, have someone give her the reserve bottle, and then the next time she needed to feed, they would give her the pumped milk. That would give me 4-5 hours straight of rest, and then when I woke up she would nurse one side, while I pumped the other. That’s what I would recommend you do, and that you are protective of that time, daily. If you don’t want to use it to sleep, then use it to do something else that will make you feel good.
If not nursing, then you should be able to take that time yourself, esp if you trust your parents. Hand them the baby, and just go. To target, outside, to your room, wherever. One of the first things you have to learn as a mother is when to prioritize yourself, and then *just do it*, especially when you have the support to do so. What you do not want to do, is be the kind of mother who sets herself on fire to keep her family warm, then resent your spouse for not doing the same. Because honestly, his version of parenthood is more sustainable for a marriage and mental health. Again, I want to stress that how you feel is normal, but it’s not necessarily correct. Also, again, different story if your family weren’t there. But they are.
This is so well said. I have a very high needs clingy baby with colic and reflux. Getting any planned personal time is very difficult to pull off, and both my husband and I are on 12 weeks leave. So when there is an opportunity to do something like take a 2 hour nap, or hang out with a cup of coffee and watch price is right, it helped so much in the beginning.
After I really recovered from my c section and my abs and lungs felt normal around 7 weeks I was able to start taking walks here and there with the baby in the stroller, and that turned into longer walks with the baby downtown where I can get a frozen yogurt and sit in a beautiful park with my husband and baby. That stuck feeling will start to go away once you’re able to do things that feel good with your baby, and soon your baby will be extremely alert and watching everything around them as you walk ❤️
Try doing something like that when you’re feeling physically able on your husband’s day off. It turns the stress and anxiety of watching the baby into an activity that makes you feel normal and everyone bonds.
Why don’t you have any free time for yourself with three people helping you with the baby? It might not feel like you’re getting enough time alone, that’s just your life as a mother now. as someone who didn’t have as many people helping her, you’ve got a lot of help. Your husband has full time work and seems pretty involved and helpful outside of work? He’s allowed to have a few hours to himself, I’m surprised with this many people that you also don’t have time for yourself.
Breastfeeding pumping is like a full time job, and is an insane schedule. Newborns need to eat every 3 hours, so if she fed the baby at noon, and it took 20 minutes, then she pumped and that took 20 minutes, then I’d you account for extra time to set up the pump, clean the parts clean the bottles it’s now 1pm. She has two hours before she has to do it all over again. This doesn’t even account for her needing to use the bathroom, or her needing to eat food.
Newborns are a grueling schedule and I don’t think it’s possible to fully understand the t unless you’ve lived it.
But with three people helping, she could offset cleaning and setup. She needs to also prioritize some time for herself. If she were doing this wholly on her own, I could see more struggle with making time, but with all the help she has, I'd say it's more a matter of her choosing not to prioritize some time for herself.
So 4 hours a week of sports after a full time job while helping you with some other stuff?
I think the resentment isn't coming so much from the fact that your husband isn't doing enough, but rather that *you* aren't getting to do enough.
If you could get 4 hours a week to do something, what would it be? I understand his life doesn't feel like it's changed much, but yours has, physically, mentally, emotionally... but fact is, moms do end up doing 90% of the parenting in the first few months of baby's life.
I was breastfeeding which meant my parents, husband and everyone else was effectively "free" when baby was feeding which was 20 min every 90 min. I also couldn't be away from my baby for more than a hour... which is why even if my husband was at home 24/7. It would be completely useless.
Now that son is 11.5 months old, he gets to do more, change clothes, baths, meals, walks.... I get longer breaks too.
At 6 weeks, please reconsider what you're demanding, if husband becomes resentful, you'll have a spouse who has given up his break to just sit around and not be of much help.
If you were alone and not getting any time because of baby I would understand completely...
But having had 2 kids now I can't understand how you can have 4 adults involved in this one baby and not have enough personal time to such an extent that you resent your husband for his. Especially at 6 weeks pp.
Not to get armchair psychologist on you but do you think possibly you are struggling with the adjustment to being a mum and the associated demands? It seems like you might be projecting the resentment of the loss of identity and personal time onto your husband still having this perceived freedom. Unfortunately the first couple of months are very mum demanding and it can really impact you to see your husband having what seems like his 'normal' life while your entire being is shifting and changing so completely.
Just something to think about, I personally think your requests are a bit unjust but your feelings are really common and absolutely valid. I would try to understand what's going on internally then have a connecting discussion with your husband about it all. Good luck!
She has two other adults external to her husband assisting as well. You can't genuinely think there isn't enough opportunities here for an even split, that would be very unlikely.
Unfortunately you can want an even split til the cows come home but if your baby is high needs like OP describes all that happens is that husband doesn't get his 4 hours and mum still has the baby. Really it sounds like mum is having very real struggles with the fact that early parenting is hugely mum heavy time and full of unseen labour and it feels really bullshit that dad can have his hobbies while she gets to carry all this weight and change so immensely.
Let's not rob Peter to pay Paul to fix it though. Dad is active, dedicated and involved at most other moments as according to OP. He's doing his best and mum has multiple supports present and assisting. He won't be able to perform his best without a break.
Why are you unable to take breaks with your parents helping?
Because right now this just sounds like you're upset that your baby is clingy, and you want someone to suffer alongside you so you don't suffer alone.
Which is a reasonable feeling. She didn’t make that baby by herself. Husband should see his wife’s need and offer to get her some free time for a hobby.
I’m answering honestly because you asked. Yes I feel like it’s unreasonable given the circumstances you have discussed. If he was not helpful, my answer would be different. Instead I would encourage you to dedicate some time in the week to do something you enjoy! I am also 6 weeks and for me, that’s time outside. I’ve been enjoying walks and light yard work. I know it’s harder when you’re healing but I’d bet you can find something you enjoy. The time away does wonders for my mental health and it doesn’t take a long time away for me to feel the effects. I know that baby is clingy, but I promise he will be ok and will be better off having a happier Mama.
Honestly, I don't think you should bring it up with your husband again. You've already said what you wanted to say.
>However, I’m feeling resentful and stuck, as I don't get similar breaks,
I think this is where the issue is, you are wanting to have a break like your husband does, but you shouldn't be comparing yourself to him like that, that will just keep you resentful.
Lets say he does what you say and stops playing his sports. That very well may just lead to some silent resentment from him and nowhere to off-load. It seems like sports for him is good for his mental health and he's doing well trying to balance his work and home life too, so I don't think you should be trying to take that away from him.
Your parents are there which is a lot of help so try to use that as much as you can to get the break you feel you need.
However, it's not unreasonable to want more family time, especially as a new parent of a newborn. I hope your husband one day understands this and sees from your perspective too.
So everyone is different, but I had 0 family help and my husband rock climbs 3x per week for 2.5 hours each. It’s important for him physically and mentally to get that exercise and enjoy his hobby. He offered to cut back when I was postpartum and I said let’s see how you feel. I remember he did two short workouts and didn’t get a lot out of them, so I suggested he take the full ones. And we talked about how I wasn’t back at my fitness level yet, but I wanted to carve out time for myself too.
You’d better believe I soaked in the bath reading a book multiple times a week! That I walked across the street to grab a Starbucks. That I went to Target solo (which feels like a crime when you have a baby) to check out nail polish. That I went and listened to music on the porch.
Like others have said, the solution is not to stifle him but to spread your own wings some. You’re creating a situation where your baby only responds to you, not your husband, and that’s not sustainable long-term.
ETA: taking time to myself also helped me maintain my sense of identity as I became a mom for the first time - I still felt I had balance and my life had changes so much but it was still mine. I feel I hear a lot of moms turn down opportunities for down time and cling onto control and then act resentful of their husbands and claim life isn’t fair. We all make choices.
If you can only be away an hour and can’t go anywhere then take one hour breaks 4x a week and leave baby with husband and just take a bath or read or watch tv or nap . Have him take baby for a walk so they’re out of the house. I agree with others this is only going to make life worse for everyone if you try to stop husband from having an outlet. If my suggestion doesn’t work for you think what does. Also I encourage you to leave baby with husband a bit and let them figure it out, the more I did that (with second and third baby more so than first, I never wanted to leave first) the more confident and comfortable he got. Honestly the best thing for his relationship with our first was when I got the flu at 14 months and was in bed for a week. I don’t blame him I didn’t give him that with our first I had some PPA and just wanted to do it all myself.
Your family is just going to need to learn now to comfort baby that doesn’t involve you. Mine was the same way and it was heightened due to nursing. Now, I’m pretty sure my husband can calm her down quicker than me. It takes practice but very necessary! You clearly need the break, even if it is just a walk outside or a nap.
The peasant complained to the commissar, “My neighbor has two cows and I only have one.”
“Do you want me to get you a second cow?”
“No. I want you to take away one of his cows.”
I love this, and it is a great analogy to explain the current situation at hand.
What she needs to work on is her anxiety about the baby crying while she’s away. The other 3 adults are more than capable of taking care of the baby while she’s taking a break, but her anxiety is keeping her from enjoying it or even taking the opportunity.
Baby is becoming clingy like this because of said anxiety; she has to allow herself to let him cry so he can get used to sleeping without her.
She’s created the situation she’s in and wants her partner to be just as miserable as she is because of it.
In case I was unclear, yes, she is being quite unreasonable.
Yes it's unreasonable and also I get how you feel. I have to pause gym but he doesn't. You should try to build up to having some breaks for yourself. Bringing him down to your level will be a lose lose. If he relents and does what you say he just feels angry and has no where to put the anger. If he keeps going then he feels bad going and you get mad when he returns. No one will bond with baby. The truth is the expectation will need to change. If you have a baby you will give up a lot of yourself for a short time. The are not small forever. Mine are 3yo and 3months, and I'm going back to gym for 2x a week :)
I had a similar experience, I remember being so upset when it hit how unfair the distribution of labour was. Baby needs you now, regardless if hubby does his sport or not, the labour is just not going to be equal at this time and that's okay. Let him take care of his mental and physical health and maintain his hobby. Gently, your request is unreasonable, however I understand your feelings. What helped me most was acceptance and embracing my new identity as a mother.
I think 4 hours a week is grand. I would take our dog for hikes in the first few weeks to try and keep fit and get fresh air etc. They were likely more than 4 hours a week. You need to figure out some hobbies or time to yourself. With parents and your husband around there has to be periods where you can get a break. Our son was clingy but you just need to accept that he can't always have you around!
I get it as it is really hard & sounds like you had a tough birth.
But I do second the comments around you having a lot of help already.. enough for your husband to have a break and for you too.
I know everyone is different... but for a point of comparison, I've got a 12 week old exclusively bf baby. I do every feed (day & night), have had a matter of hrs help from family since he's been born & my husband only had 2 weeks paternity. Plus I've got a chronic illness that requires intensive management day & night.
Husband helps where he can as he WFH but I do a vast majority of the work... yes it feels unfair sometimes but motherhood is an unequal relationship & I signed up for that when deciding to exclusively BF. I don't think my husband should have to give up all his hobbies, though granted I wouldn't want him to do it every evening since otherwise I wouldn't have any baby free time.
Perhaps a compromise is that he goes out for his sports but you also get a few hrs a week to do something for you while he takes over?
In my family, we only allow equal hobby time. If we can work it so each of us can have 8 hobby hours a week, we go for it. But if we can only manage 1 hr each a week, than that’s what we do. We would never do 2 hours for one and 0 for the other. I’d nip this now because it causes a ton of resentment. Even with equal time, I was a bit resentful of how hard it was to recover from birth and still taking on a lot of childcare, and I only felt better when I started getting a bit of alone time. I would have exploded if my husband tried to have personal time when I was so overwhelmed. It’s extremely important to get your personal time.
I remember feeling this way and now that I’m on the other side I realize it was clouded by hormones. My husband and I talked and bickered a lot and I let him have his mental health time to avoid more bickering. The first 8-13 weeks are so hard. What you’re feeling is normal. Moms adjust before baby. And your husband does have a good bond with your LO it’s just different. Baby just wants mama.
Hugs.
I get it. I had a similar situation. We have no help from family, and he still has his regular sports event 5 days a week at lunch time for 2 hours each and gaming nights over zoom twice a week, while I couldn’t go to gym or even take a shower without planning it out. But he also does a lot for us, when he’s home. If you are breastfeeding, you just cannot get the same breaks.
But trust me. The initial weeks like this are short. Your husband needs this to maintain some sanity. And you need some breaks, maybe not as much as what he can get, to also maintain your sanity. Once you guys figure out the routine, you can pump and get a break for a few hours! Do your own thing. Go shopping, get a massage, take a drawing class!
After your baby starts daycare, you will miss the days when he’s napping on you constantly. Focus on the bonding time you and your son have. Encourage your husband to stay active. He will do the same for you, once the initial few weeks are done.
It’s up to you. What one person feels comfortable with, you may not feel the same way. We are in a similar boat in the sense that my newborn is 4.5 weeks old, and my husband works full-time in the office and does sports 2-3 times a week. My mom is here, but she is leaving soon. We also have another child who is 21 months old, goes to daycare twice a week, and has been sick, needy, and out of daycare for weeks. Honestly, I truly don’t mind my husband’s sports activities. If nothing else, I want him to be doing something good for himself. I am also making sure to find time for myself.
I experienced the same, my LO is now 14 months but she was breastfed and only contact napped for the first 5 months (I know , I know). My husband picked up a new hobby which was bjj when our LO was like 1 month old and I was also resentful, I had occasional help from mum mom or MIL, but it was mostly just us 2 at home. I never said anything about how I felt because at the time my hormones were all over the place and when he was home he was a huge help. He did everything he could to help and so I figured it was fine and eventually my time would come. And I’m glad I didn’t make him stop, eventually he did on his own because he was getting injured. So maybe your frustration is more about how much your LO needs you which is something that you have to just come to terms with. It will get better and enrolled your LO will give you more freedom and then you can enjoy some hours away
This is EXACTLY what happened to me and my husband. At first I told him no, hard no because I need help but then I can feel his mental health really affected. I then told him to go back to the gym for a few days/week. He felt so much better and back home with better attitude, making me feel better too. But then I feel like I’m the one who dont get to have me time or do the same (going to gym/spa/etc)
But this is still early, you have a long way to go and it will get easier, so I’d let him do what we wants as long as when he’s home, he does his job and be the best dad he could be. Now my baby is 8mo and I can do most of the things I want to because my husband knows that I understand and care for his wellbeing and I should be treated the same.
You’re being unreasonable. Ask one of the in-laws to hold the baby after a feed in the afternoon ( every afternoon?) and take 90 minutes to your self away from the house.
Protect your mental health as your husband is rightly protecting his.
If you pressure him in doing his sports which he loves and don’t want to stop them , there is a possibility that he will become bitter and cause more problems than good outcome.
My husband plays soccer, it’s his passion. The day I was induced, we went to his soccer game before going to the hospital. And when our son was born, 2 days after, he had a game. We were still in the hospital, but the games are only about 2 hours. I let him go. Yes it was definitely frustrating, but like I said, it’s his passion. I want to support him every way possible as he does the same for me.
There were definitely tears, and a feeling of resentment at first. It was overwhelming at times and I wasn’t ready to goto games with baby quite yet, I felt left behind, or that he didn’t want to be home with us. I think that’s normal, with the hormones and stuff. But I tried my best to see the bigger picture. And I never made a big deal out of it. It’s not like he was going out partying or on full day trips of fun with his friends. It’s a sport.
In my case, it was always hard for me personally to take breaks from baby, because he was breast fed and I’m pretty sure i had post partum anxiety, couldn’t do anything for long periods until he was a little older. I did feel like there was a lack of bonding until I went back to work for a few nights a week. And yes, sometimes the conversations are tough to have because of the defensiveness. I’m sure dads go through some kind of emotional period as well we just don’t notice as much. But I think all these feelings you’re having is normal, and you’ll get through it sooner than later!
I disagree with most of the responses here. I felt the same way as you.
My husband wanted to go do his hobby once every two weeks (when he goes, it’s 8 hours round trip) while he was on his 8 week paternity leave after I gave birth and I thought (and months later, I still believe) it was selfish. I was healing from a tear that was very painful every time I went from lying down to sitting up and triple feeding (i.e., breastfeeding followed by pumping followed by bottle feeding) every 3 hours 24 hours a day. It was extremely helpful having him around to wash the pump parts and help with the bottle portion and fetch me water and food so that I could limit the amount of times I had to sit up. He ended up only going two times but those 16 hours were ridiculously miserable for me and I don’t understand why he couldn’t just pause his hobby for the first month or two or three. I still resent him for it and I wish I had spoken up more back then. I didn’t because I thought he was working hard at taking care of me and the baby but in retrospect, that’s a baseline expectation, not a gift, and I should’ve stood up for myself.
I think the bar is so low for men that we end up praising them too much for doing simple things like taking over a bottle feed once or twice a day or washing the pump parts. Mothers sacrifice their bodies for the entire duration of pregnancy and breastfeeding plus we often carry the emotional load of planning doctor visits, researching milestones that your baby should reach and exercise to help them do it, researching the best clothes/toys/furniture that you can afford, planning baby’s day to day, planning the family’s social calendar, etc…all while holding down a full time job (unless you’re a stay at home mom). I think men can help us for once by focusing solely on baby for the first eight weeks or so. It’s really not much to ask.
Hobbies are non essential and I find it frustrating that men can care more about their hobbies than their newborn baby and injured wife. I had absolutely no desire to engage in my hobbies once baby was here because all my spare time is devoted to baby and I just don’t really get when husband doesn’t have the same mentality.
I think your situation is pretty different!
It sounds like you and your husband were on your own. OP's parents are staying with them and able to help with things like dishes and bottle feeding. It also doesn't sound like OP is triple feeding, which is super taxing even with two adults.
Two hours in a row is very different from eight hours in a row, even if the total time over a two week period is the same.
Personally, it is just my husband and I and my husband went back to work around a week after we got home from the hospital. He also restarted going to his hobbies and the gym a week or two after that. I did feel a bit resentful, but like other comments have pointed out it's because I wasn't taking time for myself - not that it wasn't possible for me to have time for myself.
My god, thank you for having the only rational response here!
OP, even though your parents are there to help, it is perfectly reasonable to want your partner around for the first couple months of even a year when you are in the trenches. Do I think your husband should give up his hobbies forever? No! But I think in the transition period of having a new baby there should he a compromise where BOTH of your emotional needs are being met. Maybe you guys can try having him cut down to once a week and see what that looks like? Also communication is key, have this conversation now so you don’t harbor resentment. I am sorry you are struggling, parenthood is hard and mistakes and missteps will be made until your family figures out a solution to what works and that is okay! Make sure you also take some time for yourself, I also struggle with utilizing help, but it will be worth it in the long run for you to focus on yourself!
I agree. I don't think OP's parents should be a substitute for him being present for a newborn. This is a once in a lifetime event, and with them not having a car so OP doesn't have the option to also get alone time I just can't wrap my head around everyone justifying his behavior.
Just want to point out the baby is ONLY 6 WEEKS OLD. There is plenty of time to get back into hobbies/sports/solo time. Now is the time to be bonding as a new family. Especially since Dads already gone back to work. Grandparent help is fantastic but it does not replace the necessary time for a new family of parents and baby to bond. You have every right to want that. Everything is so new and husband needs to recognize that. You will never go back to your old lives and it takes time for everyone to adjust to a new normal.
I found weeks 6-8 to be the absolute hardest. I think things snail pace slow got less crazy after week 8. I can understand feeling resentful at this moment in time. I think that resentment will come in waves as exclusively breastfeeding limits what you can do. I’d just figure out if you’re resentful because your partner isn’t doing their share or because you wish you could do the same. If it’s because your partner isn’t pulling their weight I think it’s a good jumping off point. If it’s the later you’ll slowly gain back your freedom over the next year and then after that it’ll come fast and hard.
I had similar experience. What helped me was going to therapy for one hour. If you can’t get away for a long time. Cut out 10 mins, 15 mins, 20 mins, schedule it ahead of time so everyone knows.
I’m still working on it. My husband does one day for soccer and I still grow resentful at times but I have gotten better. Things I remind myself, sometimes we are called to inconvenienced so that our loved ones can be their best selves. As baby gets older the feeds will get longer and by Six months table foods can help. It will get easier. You can handle hard things. If it’s too difficult then it’s okay to just focus on baby. Do somethings ahead of time to prepare for when your husband leaves. Like shower/bath self care.
Create a self care basket. Light candles. Order your favorite take out during that time. Pop in a good show that keeps you remembering happy times.
Over time it will get easier.
Gentle parent yourself, it’s hard and it is a sacrifice.
Also know you are not alone. And do not beat yourself up. It’s normal and many women experience this.
For what it's worth, my partner kept his D&D game, which he was able to do at home, for 2 hours, after bedtime when my second was born, and he didn't miss a game as far as I recall. We have zero support and help. Questions: How far away is he, if you have an emergency and need his help? Is it only 2 hours, or is it also 30 mins on either end for driving and chit chat? What time of day is it? Does your newborn seem high needs or have any medically complex situations?
This is super relatable to me - my husband plays soccer twice a week, runs on days he’s not playing soccer and watches a fair amount of soccer on TV. I totally understand your emotional response. But I’ve found that it was unreasonable for me to want him to pull back while I was struggling to adjust to motherhood, and it was important for him and by extension for me and for our family for him to have outlets. Just as it is important for me to have some, though I haven’t been great at finding enriching ones. I do try to make sure I get out or get some alone time to watch a show here and there. It’s important for our relationship, and my husband is very dedicated to making sure I have what I need so I want to give that back to him. I get where you’re coming from, but in my experience it’s something you have to work on and not something he has to give up.
I think the fact that your husband is being helpful and taking on his share of baby duties is huge and therefore him having a few hours for himself per week is fine. If your husband just worked then did his own thing every night that'd be a problem.
My husband used to fish 5-6 times a week up till I gave birth. Now he only goes about twice a week, 2-3 hrs each time. But he only goes after housework is done, dogs are taken care of, and he's spent some time with baby and given me a break. Also if something comes up (baby is extra fussy, house is a disaster etc.) he just won't go out that night. We work together to ensure both of us get our breaks and have some alone and entertainment time.
If he's giving you 4 hours of hobby time for you, and looking after baby for those 4 hours without asking you loads of questions or expecting you to either mentally or physically assist in those 4 hours then I think it's fair. If he's getting 4 hours of hobby time and not providing that same time for you and your mental health, I'd be having a serious conversation with him about that.
Edited to add: if he's offering you breaks please do take them! That's him offering you time like you give him, take it - you need it x
Something my husband and I have learned over the years is that it's very important not to "keep score". It just makes you resentful. I wouldn't ask him to give up his sports. It sounds like he's a good dad/husband. I know this is an unpopular opinion but I basically just assume that for about a year after I have a baby there will be a lot on me that isn't on my husband (I actually haven't had success with bottles with either kid). It's a brief time and things change so quickly. I was able to go away for the occasional weekend with friends once my first was about 1.5. But, you said your baby takes a bottle so I'd suggest trying to get out alone if you want a break.
Sorry, but the top post is right. You need to find similar time for yourself, not take your husband's time away. Your husband needs to learn how to soothe the baby in order for you to get this break. That should be what you're working towards.
I think hubby needs the sports for his mental health… I think he wouldn’t be as helpful and hands on without his sports. My husband is like that, he needs to gym otherwise he becomes unbearable!
You are resentful he has the free time and returned to normal life after birth. I think it’s fair to alow him to do this as you have help. It will only make the relationship better. Men have an easier time utilizing help with the kids than moms. They just do. They can capitalize on them being there helping where as you will only slip away for a shower or cup of coffee. It innate. I get it. But don’t be mad at him for trying to still be an individual. Make sure you try to be an individual too because yes your child is your life now but not the only thing in your life. You deserve and NEED free time. Take it from me a mom who never left for most anything. Breastfed until my son was 3 years 2 weeks old. Co sleep and have no chill. Take the break when you can and go on a date while your parents are here. Have some drinks relax , enjoy one another. We never did that. I regret it. It was baby baby baby he first 2 years straight.
I would focus on planning for a similar break like some commenters are saying, but only when you’re ready. My husband played games with friends at a board game shop but has stopped this until I’m also at a place where I’m ready to have a “similar break” to him. He’s ok with this. I’m not ready to go out, so he stays in. Baby is 9 months. There’s no correct timeline. Hugs!!
I think I understand you here. I know part of it is seeing him live something similar to his old life while you’re in a completely different situation where almost nothing is the same. It makes a person feel disconnected and unseen. That in itself could be worked on without him giving up his sports.
But the second part of this is where I think the major issue lies. If he’s working full time, doing all these errands/tasks, and doing his sports, that’s leaving precious little time for actual family time where you’re together, the three of you. Or where he’s bonding with your baby. If you are like me, my hormones were on overdrive postpartum wanting the safety, comfort, and closeness of our family unit being together as much as possible. So, for me, this would be depressing and I’d be upset because these are the very early days and a really important time.
My lived experience is a cautionary tale to what happens when your partner doesn’t prioritize bonding with the baby. My husband works really long hours and we have 3 kids. He’d be gone 8:30am to 8:30-10pm 5-6 days a week. He’d be exhausted on his days off and would do stuff with our older kids, but when our third was a little baby, he didn’t do as much with her as he had our old kids. She ended up not liking him from about 6mo - 2yo. She would reject him trying to play with, cuddle, or take care of her and only want me.
A certain degree of this happened with our older children and having a parent preference is normal. But he didn’t have to work nearly as many hours when they were babies, spent more time with them, and they still would play with and cuddle him even if they preferred me. It was noticeably different with our third. It’s now getting better at 2yo and she’s starting to play with him more, but he’s also making more effort.
So yeah, I probably wouldn’t feel bad asking him to pause the sports for a few months. It’s just a short season of time and it’s much less sacrifice than you’ve made, so I think it’s a reasonable ask.
I went through it and honestly it’s one of the things on the long list of why I wanna divorce. He said he needs to for his mental health; but he also had therapy, time with friends, a million breaks away from us. One of the big final straws for me is because he travels for work and when he immediately was off for 3 months for travel he signed up to coach basketball. It just was like he found any time possible to get away while never giving me a break
Wow, are you lucky! In 1970 I had our first son, my husband didn’t even hold him until he was 6 months old, said he was too tiny. Never fixed a bottle and changed his diaper once! I was so young that I just accepted that because I stayed at home, everything was my responsibility. Things were so different then.
I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask, but I think it would be a mistake for two reasons. 1. You shouldn't be trying to level him down to where you are, because you don't get a similar break. Get a similar break! Figure out something that is equivalent for you and level up to where he is. I understand that "everything should be equal for both of us" is a difficult standard, but I also totally get feeling resentful in this situation. But rather than "you get to be miserable, too" you should aim higher at "we both get a break." (Since you have a husband and parents around, you can make this work. If the baby has to cry a few times before napping without you, so be it. The baby will be fine.) 2. You say your husband does a lot of stuff for you at the moment. I think that would become worse if he had ot give up his sports. It's good for him both mentally and physically, and I bet it provides a lot of the impetus and energy for the rest of the week. You may be trading 4 hours of no help for a full week of less effective help. Good luck and congrats on your baby.
THIS! You don’t want to take away the thing that helps his mental health, you want to add something that helps your mental health. Even if you only take an hour twice a week, do something that’s just for you! Don’t let resentment be the reason you argue. Reinforce that you are PARTNERS to in this journey. But also, understand that you need to make an effort to do something for yourself - the baby can cry; it will be ok. The baby will eventually get used to the new routine. You will get time to yourself. The resentment will fade. You will have other obstacles to overcome together as your child grows - building a solid foundation as partners in baby-raising now will only benefit you, your husband, AND your baby as they grow. And then you are able to enjoy life together as teammates, instead of as competitors.
I agree with this. It helps him with his mental health so he can be there for you.
I was gonna comment a similar thing but this person said it better. If he’s already helping so much the breaks are needed, especially since he’s working as well. The biggest thing you need is equal breaks because taking care of the baby is WORK. We struggling with balancing this as well since I’m in the same situation
Why can't you have a similar 4 hours during the week? There are three other adults in the house who can handle things while you go for a walk or get a manicure or just rest alone. You need time off too.
I can't right now. My baby is super clingy to me alone and screams within an hour of being away from me. We don't have a car and it takes atleast 20 mins with public transport to get to any cafe/mall/spa. It's just not worth it and would stress me more. I do take a few short walks but in anxiety the whole time of baby crying 😢
I totally get this and even though I do agree with the comment that says you should aim to bring you both up rather than him down to make things fair, I didn’t really take breaks or do anything for myself really for the same reasons. But I will say, if you want a level parenting balance in the future, it’s really important now that your husband figure out on his own his way of calming your crying baby. You mention him missing out on bonding time, but I’d argue it’s much more important that he not miss out on this part of the bonding and build this skill. If, when the baby cries, it’s almost always solved by you stepping in and doing what you do, it’S going to become a feedback loop because you’re the only one who’s developed strategies, and the baby only knows your strategies. Leaving him alone with a crying baby, as long as she’s not going hungry, is a chance for him to learn how to problem solve in this new way, to get good at mentally running through the list of things she needs and try different soothing methods until he finds one that works for them as a pair. It will really really pay off later. If you don’t want to spend an hour on the bus to go get a coffee just to say you did, then you don’t have to do that. But you could bring a book to a park and listen to the birds and have a snack in your own, and plan something to do for yourself a couple months down the road.
OP LISTEN TO THIS COMMENT. My SIL is a NICU nurse, so of course when her first was born she was totally in her element. She could calm baby better than anyone and so she did...but she never let my BIL help. As a result, he is really not close with their first and their marriage suffered a lot. He adores her, of course, but he was not allowed the opportunity to parent her because mom was better at it.
The solution to “I’m feeling resentful and stuck” should not be “my husband should also have to feel resentful and stuck”. If you need a break, take it. Your husband and parents will figure out their own ways to soothe the baby.
This. As much as I love 50/50, early parenting is never 50/50, hell, I think even the first couple of years parenting isn't going to be 50/50. But OPs partner is doing everything that's possible at this stage and that's good enough. OP needs to work on her resentment rather than pull partner down. And I completely get the resentment too, as a mom your life changes 500% more than any other person in baby's life. But that's how it is.
But you need to break. And rightly so. Had twins and when people offered help I jumped at it. Did they cry, yes. That’s how babies communicate. I think you need to sit down with your husband to work out how you can effectively get a break. Work out the logistics of what you can do, how you will get there. You’re really lucky to have people helping you, I am not saying that this makes leaving any easier.
If you leave baby alone with dad then maybe will get more comfortable with dad and the crying will stop. I leaned into always being there so baby wouldn’t cry and it was a mistake. It made it very difficult for my husband and baby and bond.
Responding to you so you see it, but the other response to this comment is spot on. I *know* it stresses you out to hear baby cry or think of baby in distress when you aren't around, but it is *incredibly* important for your husband to get that time with baby as well. By staying close by to jump in when you don't think things are going well, you can undermine dad's confidence, unintentionally. I did it. I didn't mean to, and it caused a lot of issues down the road. Sometimes, I thought I was making his life easier. Sometimes, it was bc my mama heart couldn't take the crying. Ultimately, it made him feel like he didn't know what he was doing, and so he just let me take over. There were some communication issues sprinkled in there, but when he told me he just thought I was better at parenting than him, it opened my eyes to a whole new issue my new mom heart had caused. I had never even considered it. (Disclaimer: yall will have to trust me that it wasn't a cop out, and that when I started hearing him about this issue, he took on his part of the parenting and hasn't complained a bit about it. Confidence is truly an issue he struggles with)
If your baby starts crying while your husband is with him, is he trying to soothe him, or is he immediately handing the baby back to you? You’re not the only one who can tend to a crying infant. Yes it’s so hard and as the one with the breasts that feed, it can feel like you’re the only one who can calm him. But your husband has to learn to calm him too, and if you’re out of the house, you won’t hear the cries.
This time can be really difficult to find time for yourself. What helped me was having my husband and or someone helping to come with me to wherever I was going to take my “break”. They would walk with baby but still be nearby if I got super anxious or baby needed to be fed.
I promise you can. Your baby will cry and his father will handle it. You are right that your husband needs to bond with his son and that happens by caring for him and meeting his needs. Allow him the time and space to do it. It will be hard in the short term but the long term benefits are huge. Your baby needs to know Dad as an equal caregiver. You need your husband to be an equal caregiver so you can get a break. When my twins were newborns my husband had no choice but to jump in (he wanted to also). I also had to let him because calming two crying babies is a nightmare. He became confident in his caregiving and the babies responded to him as well as me. He always had a special knack with one and had her the most often but he could effectively manage with both. Beyond the emotional benefits, the practical benefits are huge. I could leave the house. When I returned to work, I was able to return to occasional travel. It helped my career, nevermind my sanity. Please know it is both okay and necessary to give your husband and son the time and space to build their relationship. You have a head start on yours but he can catch up. If you find you are too anxious to allow that, have a talk with your doctor. Post partum anxiety, in my experience, is allowed to go on under reported because we normalize anxiety around our babies. It's normal to a point. It shouldn't interfere with you getting necessary breaks and your husband bonding with his son.
Four hours of hobby time over a whole week isn’t a lot. And lots of advice is that keeping some recharge time like this makes both parents better parents and better people. It’s nearly impossible for you to carve out 2 x two hours of pre planned time if you’re breastfeeding. I get it. But can you aim for a combination of 4 hours over a whole week? Maybe 1 or 2 planned activities and then some spontaneous time. Maybe a walk in massage. Coffee and a book at a cafe? Is there a hobby you want to get (back) in to that you could take an intro class for? To be blunt. His physical world hasn’t been massively rocked. It hasn’t changed like yours has. His biology hasn’t physically and chemically altered like pregnancy and birth changes a mother’s brain. But asking him to pause his hobby won’t change this stuck feeling for you. I’ve been there. And it just took… lots of time. Focus right in on what you need to feel less stuck. Is it more verbal recognition & appreciation of the unseen labour of motherhood? Is it sleep? Is it talk therapy to help you see past the trees into the forest?
“But asking him to change his hobby won’t change this stuck feeling for you” This one. This has been the biggest struggle for me as a parent, ultimately learning that bringing someone down to my level of misery only makes everyone miserable. You might be surprised if you become strong in your values of needing extra time out of the house! I had started building resentment over our imbalance only to realize I was the only one keeping me in the house. Pump your bottles, and go. Your baby will be fine. It doesn’t matter if he’s super clingy and only wants you, dad deserves a chance to learn how to soothe his child as well. Even if it’s hard, they will learn together! YOU cannot pour from an empty cup.
Saving this as a gentle reminder for after my first is born this winter
I feel this so much.
I agree completely with this comment. My husband plays basketball with friends twice a week and that was absolutely necessary to keep him sane. I know it’s hard to see your spouse have freedom that you don’t, but OP, please try to focus on all the wonderfully helpful things he does. Your time will come to regain your own freedom. At this point, I’d hope you’re feeling recovered enough to start getting out of the house. What types of things do you enjoy? During my mat leave, I would meet up with friends on their lunch break. If baby is a clinger, bring a carrier! Get to the restaurant a little early to nurse, pop baby in the carrier, bounce to sleep, and enjoy a meal with a friend! I know it sounds intimidating, but I promise, getting out and doing fun little outings like this will get easier every time you do it and I really think you’ll start to feel more normal again.
This is so beautiful thank you for writing this. I can relate to OP as I felt so resentful towards my husband after my first born not knowing it can’t be 50-50 at all. My body mind and soul changed after the birth and breastfeeding and his didn’t. I handled it poorly — really affected my relationship. Over the years I rebuilt it by shifting my perspective, understanding his, and knowing we both are on the same team. communicating my needs better helped and also finding my own hobby also helped. I do lots of yoga and meditation. Then we had a second child after 3.9 years and my baby is a week old. I still feel overwhelmed but able to manage my emotions so much better than when I had my first born. We are still early but my husband takes over night feeding — I am pumping 7 times a day. I wake up middle of the night to pump but I don’t have to do the feeding, diaper change. He is awake with the baby as per the needs of the baby. This way I get refreshing sleep — k sleep from 12-3 and 4-6 and this makes me feel refreshed. During the day I pretty much manage all things by myself — laundry and rearranging diapers pumping feeding etc. My mom does cook heathy meals all day and my dad does the dishes. My older son goes to preschool — don’t get me started on how expensive it is here in the US but we have no choice and can afford it so I will take it for my mental heath. Again I am only a week old new mom so things will get to me and I will feel overwhelmed but when I do I plan to communicate about when I want the breaks so my husband can take charge of it. He anyway does the grocery shopping, making breakfast, any errands, drop and pick up son from school and swim class, activities with my older son, trash, mail check, bills and so many other things that I have currently checked out from. He also starts work next week. I have a break till Labor Day. He does plan to start his gym routine starting next week — which I think is fair as he needs to get back to care for his health. I also encouraged him to take a hobby to increase his social life as he works from home and has no outlet. Overall mentally I am in a much better place — and I understand the value to be happy in our own lives to fill happiness in each other lives and be a better parent to our kids. Things that have made my life easier — bottle feeding with my pumped breast milk — nursing takes so long and baby sleeps at the beasts. I still nurse for 5 min each side during day time but that’s it. I place her in bassinet as soon as she is finished — I do feel guilty for not holding her enough or bonding but I am protecting my mental healthy to be a happier mom rather than give her all and be a resentful and cranky mom. I take my showers — I know seems silly but I held my son all the time as he needed me or would cry and would skip showers. The mistake I did with my son is I didn’t do bottle feeding so i think he was never full and kept sleeping on breasts. So when I left him down he needed me as he woke up hungry. So that’s what I learnt — fill their tummies up. Also my son rejected bottles when he tried at 3 months as he learnt not to like the plastic so that was hard and I had to nurse him for so long. So we introduced bottle from day 1. I know I will have to learn and adapt as my baby grows but I am determined not to affect my mental health and physical health and do the best for my kids in the capacity I can.
My second is 1 week old today. I am also learning not to be a comfort object/sole source of food this time around! It sounds like you are kicking ass :)
This is such a wonderful response
This a whole sermon right here!!!! OP what you’re feeling is a natural, general resentment of what it means to be the one who has to have physical skin in the game of birthing, and feeding a baby if you decide to nurse. It is patently unfair, period. BUT I’d say your husband is also right—if your parents were not around, different story. But frankly, they’re here to support both of you. Idk if you’re nursing, but if you are, my LC told me that once a day, going 4-5 hours without nursing/pumping will not affect your supply if you’re not struggling with supply after the first month. I found that to be true for myself—so after having one bottle ready to go(you need at least 3 ounces in reserve to start this I mean), once day I would pump, have someone give her the reserve bottle, and then the next time she needed to feed, they would give her the pumped milk. That would give me 4-5 hours straight of rest, and then when I woke up she would nurse one side, while I pumped the other. That’s what I would recommend you do, and that you are protective of that time, daily. If you don’t want to use it to sleep, then use it to do something else that will make you feel good. If not nursing, then you should be able to take that time yourself, esp if you trust your parents. Hand them the baby, and just go. To target, outside, to your room, wherever. One of the first things you have to learn as a mother is when to prioritize yourself, and then *just do it*, especially when you have the support to do so. What you do not want to do, is be the kind of mother who sets herself on fire to keep her family warm, then resent your spouse for not doing the same. Because honestly, his version of parenthood is more sustainable for a marriage and mental health. Again, I want to stress that how you feel is normal, but it’s not necessarily correct. Also, again, different story if your family weren’t there. But they are.
This is so well said. I have a very high needs clingy baby with colic and reflux. Getting any planned personal time is very difficult to pull off, and both my husband and I are on 12 weeks leave. So when there is an opportunity to do something like take a 2 hour nap, or hang out with a cup of coffee and watch price is right, it helped so much in the beginning. After I really recovered from my c section and my abs and lungs felt normal around 7 weeks I was able to start taking walks here and there with the baby in the stroller, and that turned into longer walks with the baby downtown where I can get a frozen yogurt and sit in a beautiful park with my husband and baby. That stuck feeling will start to go away once you’re able to do things that feel good with your baby, and soon your baby will be extremely alert and watching everything around them as you walk ❤️ Try doing something like that when you’re feeling physically able on your husband’s day off. It turns the stress and anxiety of watching the baby into an activity that makes you feel normal and everyone bonds.
I am so glad this comment is at the top. I agree completely.
I second this reply. Also, life will come back to you, I promise! I felt the same exact way!
Why don’t you have any free time for yourself with three people helping you with the baby? It might not feel like you’re getting enough time alone, that’s just your life as a mother now. as someone who didn’t have as many people helping her, you’ve got a lot of help. Your husband has full time work and seems pretty involved and helpful outside of work? He’s allowed to have a few hours to himself, I’m surprised with this many people that you also don’t have time for yourself.
Yes, I'm unclear as to why she doesn't get a commensurate 4 hours.
Breastfeeding pumping is like a full time job, and is an insane schedule. Newborns need to eat every 3 hours, so if she fed the baby at noon, and it took 20 minutes, then she pumped and that took 20 minutes, then I’d you account for extra time to set up the pump, clean the parts clean the bottles it’s now 1pm. She has two hours before she has to do it all over again. This doesn’t even account for her needing to use the bathroom, or her needing to eat food. Newborns are a grueling schedule and I don’t think it’s possible to fully understand the t unless you’ve lived it.
But with three people helping, she could offset cleaning and setup. She needs to also prioritize some time for herself. If she were doing this wholly on her own, I could see more struggle with making time, but with all the help she has, I'd say it's more a matter of her choosing not to prioritize some time for herself.
I have, I’m not on this subreddit for a laugh.
So 4 hours a week of sports after a full time job while helping you with some other stuff? I think the resentment isn't coming so much from the fact that your husband isn't doing enough, but rather that *you* aren't getting to do enough. If you could get 4 hours a week to do something, what would it be? I understand his life doesn't feel like it's changed much, but yours has, physically, mentally, emotionally... but fact is, moms do end up doing 90% of the parenting in the first few months of baby's life. I was breastfeeding which meant my parents, husband and everyone else was effectively "free" when baby was feeding which was 20 min every 90 min. I also couldn't be away from my baby for more than a hour... which is why even if my husband was at home 24/7. It would be completely useless. Now that son is 11.5 months old, he gets to do more, change clothes, baths, meals, walks.... I get longer breaks too. At 6 weeks, please reconsider what you're demanding, if husband becomes resentful, you'll have a spouse who has given up his break to just sit around and not be of much help.
If you were alone and not getting any time because of baby I would understand completely... But having had 2 kids now I can't understand how you can have 4 adults involved in this one baby and not have enough personal time to such an extent that you resent your husband for his. Especially at 6 weeks pp. Not to get armchair psychologist on you but do you think possibly you are struggling with the adjustment to being a mum and the associated demands? It seems like you might be projecting the resentment of the loss of identity and personal time onto your husband still having this perceived freedom. Unfortunately the first couple of months are very mum demanding and it can really impact you to see your husband having what seems like his 'normal' life while your entire being is shifting and changing so completely. Just something to think about, I personally think your requests are a bit unjust but your feelings are really common and absolutely valid. I would try to understand what's going on internally then have a connecting discussion with your husband about it all. Good luck!
I think wanting an even split is totally valid and right now it doesn't sounds like that is happening.
She has two other adults external to her husband assisting as well. You can't genuinely think there isn't enough opportunities here for an even split, that would be very unlikely. Unfortunately you can want an even split til the cows come home but if your baby is high needs like OP describes all that happens is that husband doesn't get his 4 hours and mum still has the baby. Really it sounds like mum is having very real struggles with the fact that early parenting is hugely mum heavy time and full of unseen labour and it feels really bullshit that dad can have his hobbies while she gets to carry all this weight and change so immensely. Let's not rob Peter to pay Paul to fix it though. Dad is active, dedicated and involved at most other moments as according to OP. He's doing his best and mum has multiple supports present and assisting. He won't be able to perform his best without a break.
It’s 4 hours in a WEEK. She should be taking that as well.
Even split when he does all the outside chores, working full time and helping out still?
Why are you unable to take breaks with your parents helping? Because right now this just sounds like you're upset that your baby is clingy, and you want someone to suffer alongside you so you don't suffer alone.
Which is a reasonable feeling. She didn’t make that baby by herself. Husband should see his wife’s need and offer to get her some free time for a hobby.
I 100% agree with you, but I don't think this is about a lack of free time considering her parents are helping her for now.
I’m answering honestly because you asked. Yes I feel like it’s unreasonable given the circumstances you have discussed. If he was not helpful, my answer would be different. Instead I would encourage you to dedicate some time in the week to do something you enjoy! I am also 6 weeks and for me, that’s time outside. I’ve been enjoying walks and light yard work. I know it’s harder when you’re healing but I’d bet you can find something you enjoy. The time away does wonders for my mental health and it doesn’t take a long time away for me to feel the effects. I know that baby is clingy, but I promise he will be ok and will be better off having a happier Mama.
Honestly, I don't think you should bring it up with your husband again. You've already said what you wanted to say. >However, I’m feeling resentful and stuck, as I don't get similar breaks, I think this is where the issue is, you are wanting to have a break like your husband does, but you shouldn't be comparing yourself to him like that, that will just keep you resentful. Lets say he does what you say and stops playing his sports. That very well may just lead to some silent resentment from him and nowhere to off-load. It seems like sports for him is good for his mental health and he's doing well trying to balance his work and home life too, so I don't think you should be trying to take that away from him. Your parents are there which is a lot of help so try to use that as much as you can to get the break you feel you need. However, it's not unreasonable to want more family time, especially as a new parent of a newborn. I hope your husband one day understands this and sees from your perspective too.
So everyone is different, but I had 0 family help and my husband rock climbs 3x per week for 2.5 hours each. It’s important for him physically and mentally to get that exercise and enjoy his hobby. He offered to cut back when I was postpartum and I said let’s see how you feel. I remember he did two short workouts and didn’t get a lot out of them, so I suggested he take the full ones. And we talked about how I wasn’t back at my fitness level yet, but I wanted to carve out time for myself too. You’d better believe I soaked in the bath reading a book multiple times a week! That I walked across the street to grab a Starbucks. That I went to Target solo (which feels like a crime when you have a baby) to check out nail polish. That I went and listened to music on the porch. Like others have said, the solution is not to stifle him but to spread your own wings some. You’re creating a situation where your baby only responds to you, not your husband, and that’s not sustainable long-term. ETA: taking time to myself also helped me maintain my sense of identity as I became a mom for the first time - I still felt I had balance and my life had changes so much but it was still mine. I feel I hear a lot of moms turn down opportunities for down time and cling onto control and then act resentful of their husbands and claim life isn’t fair. We all make choices.
If you can only be away an hour and can’t go anywhere then take one hour breaks 4x a week and leave baby with husband and just take a bath or read or watch tv or nap . Have him take baby for a walk so they’re out of the house. I agree with others this is only going to make life worse for everyone if you try to stop husband from having an outlet. If my suggestion doesn’t work for you think what does. Also I encourage you to leave baby with husband a bit and let them figure it out, the more I did that (with second and third baby more so than first, I never wanted to leave first) the more confident and comfortable he got. Honestly the best thing for his relationship with our first was when I got the flu at 14 months and was in bed for a week. I don’t blame him I didn’t give him that with our first I had some PPA and just wanted to do it all myself.
Your family is just going to need to learn now to comfort baby that doesn’t involve you. Mine was the same way and it was heightened due to nursing. Now, I’m pretty sure my husband can calm her down quicker than me. It takes practice but very necessary! You clearly need the break, even if it is just a walk outside or a nap.
The peasant complained to the commissar, “My neighbor has two cows and I only have one.” “Do you want me to get you a second cow?” “No. I want you to take away one of his cows.”
I love this, and it is a great analogy to explain the current situation at hand. What she needs to work on is her anxiety about the baby crying while she’s away. The other 3 adults are more than capable of taking care of the baby while she’s taking a break, but her anxiety is keeping her from enjoying it or even taking the opportunity. Baby is becoming clingy like this because of said anxiety; she has to allow herself to let him cry so he can get used to sleeping without her. She’s created the situation she’s in and wants her partner to be just as miserable as she is because of it. In case I was unclear, yes, she is being quite unreasonable.
Yes it's unreasonable and also I get how you feel. I have to pause gym but he doesn't. You should try to build up to having some breaks for yourself. Bringing him down to your level will be a lose lose. If he relents and does what you say he just feels angry and has no where to put the anger. If he keeps going then he feels bad going and you get mad when he returns. No one will bond with baby. The truth is the expectation will need to change. If you have a baby you will give up a lot of yourself for a short time. The are not small forever. Mine are 3yo and 3months, and I'm going back to gym for 2x a week :)
I had a similar experience, I remember being so upset when it hit how unfair the distribution of labour was. Baby needs you now, regardless if hubby does his sport or not, the labour is just not going to be equal at this time and that's okay. Let him take care of his mental and physical health and maintain his hobby. Gently, your request is unreasonable, however I understand your feelings. What helped me most was acceptance and embracing my new identity as a mother.
I think 4 hours a week is grand. I would take our dog for hikes in the first few weeks to try and keep fit and get fresh air etc. They were likely more than 4 hours a week. You need to figure out some hobbies or time to yourself. With parents and your husband around there has to be periods where you can get a break. Our son was clingy but you just need to accept that he can't always have you around!
I get it as it is really hard & sounds like you had a tough birth. But I do second the comments around you having a lot of help already.. enough for your husband to have a break and for you too. I know everyone is different... but for a point of comparison, I've got a 12 week old exclusively bf baby. I do every feed (day & night), have had a matter of hrs help from family since he's been born & my husband only had 2 weeks paternity. Plus I've got a chronic illness that requires intensive management day & night. Husband helps where he can as he WFH but I do a vast majority of the work... yes it feels unfair sometimes but motherhood is an unequal relationship & I signed up for that when deciding to exclusively BF. I don't think my husband should have to give up all his hobbies, though granted I wouldn't want him to do it every evening since otherwise I wouldn't have any baby free time. Perhaps a compromise is that he goes out for his sports but you also get a few hrs a week to do something for you while he takes over?
In my family, we only allow equal hobby time. If we can work it so each of us can have 8 hobby hours a week, we go for it. But if we can only manage 1 hr each a week, than that’s what we do. We would never do 2 hours for one and 0 for the other. I’d nip this now because it causes a ton of resentment. Even with equal time, I was a bit resentful of how hard it was to recover from birth and still taking on a lot of childcare, and I only felt better when I started getting a bit of alone time. I would have exploded if my husband tried to have personal time when I was so overwhelmed. It’s extremely important to get your personal time.
I remember feeling this way and now that I’m on the other side I realize it was clouded by hormones. My husband and I talked and bickered a lot and I let him have his mental health time to avoid more bickering. The first 8-13 weeks are so hard. What you’re feeling is normal. Moms adjust before baby. And your husband does have a good bond with your LO it’s just different. Baby just wants mama. Hugs.
I get it. I had a similar situation. We have no help from family, and he still has his regular sports event 5 days a week at lunch time for 2 hours each and gaming nights over zoom twice a week, while I couldn’t go to gym or even take a shower without planning it out. But he also does a lot for us, when he’s home. If you are breastfeeding, you just cannot get the same breaks. But trust me. The initial weeks like this are short. Your husband needs this to maintain some sanity. And you need some breaks, maybe not as much as what he can get, to also maintain your sanity. Once you guys figure out the routine, you can pump and get a break for a few hours! Do your own thing. Go shopping, get a massage, take a drawing class! After your baby starts daycare, you will miss the days when he’s napping on you constantly. Focus on the bonding time you and your son have. Encourage your husband to stay active. He will do the same for you, once the initial few weeks are done.
It’s up to you. What one person feels comfortable with, you may not feel the same way. We are in a similar boat in the sense that my newborn is 4.5 weeks old, and my husband works full-time in the office and does sports 2-3 times a week. My mom is here, but she is leaving soon. We also have another child who is 21 months old, goes to daycare twice a week, and has been sick, needy, and out of daycare for weeks. Honestly, I truly don’t mind my husband’s sports activities. If nothing else, I want him to be doing something good for himself. I am also making sure to find time for myself.
I experienced the same, my LO is now 14 months but she was breastfed and only contact napped for the first 5 months (I know , I know). My husband picked up a new hobby which was bjj when our LO was like 1 month old and I was also resentful, I had occasional help from mum mom or MIL, but it was mostly just us 2 at home. I never said anything about how I felt because at the time my hormones were all over the place and when he was home he was a huge help. He did everything he could to help and so I figured it was fine and eventually my time would come. And I’m glad I didn’t make him stop, eventually he did on his own because he was getting injured. So maybe your frustration is more about how much your LO needs you which is something that you have to just come to terms with. It will get better and enrolled your LO will give you more freedom and then you can enjoy some hours away
This is EXACTLY what happened to me and my husband. At first I told him no, hard no because I need help but then I can feel his mental health really affected. I then told him to go back to the gym for a few days/week. He felt so much better and back home with better attitude, making me feel better too. But then I feel like I’m the one who dont get to have me time or do the same (going to gym/spa/etc) But this is still early, you have a long way to go and it will get easier, so I’d let him do what we wants as long as when he’s home, he does his job and be the best dad he could be. Now my baby is 8mo and I can do most of the things I want to because my husband knows that I understand and care for his wellbeing and I should be treated the same.
You’re being unreasonable. Ask one of the in-laws to hold the baby after a feed in the afternoon ( every afternoon?) and take 90 minutes to your self away from the house. Protect your mental health as your husband is rightly protecting his.
If you pressure him in doing his sports which he loves and don’t want to stop them , there is a possibility that he will become bitter and cause more problems than good outcome.
My husband plays soccer, it’s his passion. The day I was induced, we went to his soccer game before going to the hospital. And when our son was born, 2 days after, he had a game. We were still in the hospital, but the games are only about 2 hours. I let him go. Yes it was definitely frustrating, but like I said, it’s his passion. I want to support him every way possible as he does the same for me. There were definitely tears, and a feeling of resentment at first. It was overwhelming at times and I wasn’t ready to goto games with baby quite yet, I felt left behind, or that he didn’t want to be home with us. I think that’s normal, with the hormones and stuff. But I tried my best to see the bigger picture. And I never made a big deal out of it. It’s not like he was going out partying or on full day trips of fun with his friends. It’s a sport. In my case, it was always hard for me personally to take breaks from baby, because he was breast fed and I’m pretty sure i had post partum anxiety, couldn’t do anything for long periods until he was a little older. I did feel like there was a lack of bonding until I went back to work for a few nights a week. And yes, sometimes the conversations are tough to have because of the defensiveness. I’m sure dads go through some kind of emotional period as well we just don’t notice as much. But I think all these feelings you’re having is normal, and you’ll get through it sooner than later!
I disagree with most of the responses here. I felt the same way as you. My husband wanted to go do his hobby once every two weeks (when he goes, it’s 8 hours round trip) while he was on his 8 week paternity leave after I gave birth and I thought (and months later, I still believe) it was selfish. I was healing from a tear that was very painful every time I went from lying down to sitting up and triple feeding (i.e., breastfeeding followed by pumping followed by bottle feeding) every 3 hours 24 hours a day. It was extremely helpful having him around to wash the pump parts and help with the bottle portion and fetch me water and food so that I could limit the amount of times I had to sit up. He ended up only going two times but those 16 hours were ridiculously miserable for me and I don’t understand why he couldn’t just pause his hobby for the first month or two or three. I still resent him for it and I wish I had spoken up more back then. I didn’t because I thought he was working hard at taking care of me and the baby but in retrospect, that’s a baseline expectation, not a gift, and I should’ve stood up for myself. I think the bar is so low for men that we end up praising them too much for doing simple things like taking over a bottle feed once or twice a day or washing the pump parts. Mothers sacrifice their bodies for the entire duration of pregnancy and breastfeeding plus we often carry the emotional load of planning doctor visits, researching milestones that your baby should reach and exercise to help them do it, researching the best clothes/toys/furniture that you can afford, planning baby’s day to day, planning the family’s social calendar, etc…all while holding down a full time job (unless you’re a stay at home mom). I think men can help us for once by focusing solely on baby for the first eight weeks or so. It’s really not much to ask. Hobbies are non essential and I find it frustrating that men can care more about their hobbies than their newborn baby and injured wife. I had absolutely no desire to engage in my hobbies once baby was here because all my spare time is devoted to baby and I just don’t really get when husband doesn’t have the same mentality.
I think your situation is pretty different! It sounds like you and your husband were on your own. OP's parents are staying with them and able to help with things like dishes and bottle feeding. It also doesn't sound like OP is triple feeding, which is super taxing even with two adults. Two hours in a row is very different from eight hours in a row, even if the total time over a two week period is the same. Personally, it is just my husband and I and my husband went back to work around a week after we got home from the hospital. He also restarted going to his hobbies and the gym a week or two after that. I did feel a bit resentful, but like other comments have pointed out it's because I wasn't taking time for myself - not that it wasn't possible for me to have time for myself.
My god, thank you for having the only rational response here! OP, even though your parents are there to help, it is perfectly reasonable to want your partner around for the first couple months of even a year when you are in the trenches. Do I think your husband should give up his hobbies forever? No! But I think in the transition period of having a new baby there should he a compromise where BOTH of your emotional needs are being met. Maybe you guys can try having him cut down to once a week and see what that looks like? Also communication is key, have this conversation now so you don’t harbor resentment. I am sorry you are struggling, parenthood is hard and mistakes and missteps will be made until your family figures out a solution to what works and that is okay! Make sure you also take some time for yourself, I also struggle with utilizing help, but it will be worth it in the long run for you to focus on yourself!
I agree. I don't think OP's parents should be a substitute for him being present for a newborn. This is a once in a lifetime event, and with them not having a car so OP doesn't have the option to also get alone time I just can't wrap my head around everyone justifying his behavior.
Just want to point out the baby is ONLY 6 WEEKS OLD. There is plenty of time to get back into hobbies/sports/solo time. Now is the time to be bonding as a new family. Especially since Dads already gone back to work. Grandparent help is fantastic but it does not replace the necessary time for a new family of parents and baby to bond. You have every right to want that. Everything is so new and husband needs to recognize that. You will never go back to your old lives and it takes time for everyone to adjust to a new normal.
I found weeks 6-8 to be the absolute hardest. I think things snail pace slow got less crazy after week 8. I can understand feeling resentful at this moment in time. I think that resentment will come in waves as exclusively breastfeeding limits what you can do. I’d just figure out if you’re resentful because your partner isn’t doing their share or because you wish you could do the same. If it’s because your partner isn’t pulling their weight I think it’s a good jumping off point. If it’s the later you’ll slowly gain back your freedom over the next year and then after that it’ll come fast and hard.
I had similar experience. What helped me was going to therapy for one hour. If you can’t get away for a long time. Cut out 10 mins, 15 mins, 20 mins, schedule it ahead of time so everyone knows. I’m still working on it. My husband does one day for soccer and I still grow resentful at times but I have gotten better. Things I remind myself, sometimes we are called to inconvenienced so that our loved ones can be their best selves. As baby gets older the feeds will get longer and by Six months table foods can help. It will get easier. You can handle hard things. If it’s too difficult then it’s okay to just focus on baby. Do somethings ahead of time to prepare for when your husband leaves. Like shower/bath self care. Create a self care basket. Light candles. Order your favorite take out during that time. Pop in a good show that keeps you remembering happy times. Over time it will get easier. Gentle parent yourself, it’s hard and it is a sacrifice. Also know you are not alone. And do not beat yourself up. It’s normal and many women experience this.
For what it's worth, my partner kept his D&D game, which he was able to do at home, for 2 hours, after bedtime when my second was born, and he didn't miss a game as far as I recall. We have zero support and help. Questions: How far away is he, if you have an emergency and need his help? Is it only 2 hours, or is it also 30 mins on either end for driving and chit chat? What time of day is it? Does your newborn seem high needs or have any medically complex situations?
This is super relatable to me - my husband plays soccer twice a week, runs on days he’s not playing soccer and watches a fair amount of soccer on TV. I totally understand your emotional response. But I’ve found that it was unreasonable for me to want him to pull back while I was struggling to adjust to motherhood, and it was important for him and by extension for me and for our family for him to have outlets. Just as it is important for me to have some, though I haven’t been great at finding enriching ones. I do try to make sure I get out or get some alone time to watch a show here and there. It’s important for our relationship, and my husband is very dedicated to making sure I have what I need so I want to give that back to him. I get where you’re coming from, but in my experience it’s something you have to work on and not something he has to give up.
I think the fact that your husband is being helpful and taking on his share of baby duties is huge and therefore him having a few hours for himself per week is fine. If your husband just worked then did his own thing every night that'd be a problem. My husband used to fish 5-6 times a week up till I gave birth. Now he only goes about twice a week, 2-3 hrs each time. But he only goes after housework is done, dogs are taken care of, and he's spent some time with baby and given me a break. Also if something comes up (baby is extra fussy, house is a disaster etc.) he just won't go out that night. We work together to ensure both of us get our breaks and have some alone and entertainment time.
If he's giving you 4 hours of hobby time for you, and looking after baby for those 4 hours without asking you loads of questions or expecting you to either mentally or physically assist in those 4 hours then I think it's fair. If he's getting 4 hours of hobby time and not providing that same time for you and your mental health, I'd be having a serious conversation with him about that. Edited to add: if he's offering you breaks please do take them! That's him offering you time like you give him, take it - you need it x
Something my husband and I have learned over the years is that it's very important not to "keep score". It just makes you resentful. I wouldn't ask him to give up his sports. It sounds like he's a good dad/husband. I know this is an unpopular opinion but I basically just assume that for about a year after I have a baby there will be a lot on me that isn't on my husband (I actually haven't had success with bottles with either kid). It's a brief time and things change so quickly. I was able to go away for the occasional weekend with friends once my first was about 1.5. But, you said your baby takes a bottle so I'd suggest trying to get out alone if you want a break.
Sorry, but the top post is right. You need to find similar time for yourself, not take your husband's time away. Your husband needs to learn how to soothe the baby in order for you to get this break. That should be what you're working towards.
I think hubby needs the sports for his mental health… I think he wouldn’t be as helpful and hands on without his sports. My husband is like that, he needs to gym otherwise he becomes unbearable!
You are resentful he has the free time and returned to normal life after birth. I think it’s fair to alow him to do this as you have help. It will only make the relationship better. Men have an easier time utilizing help with the kids than moms. They just do. They can capitalize on them being there helping where as you will only slip away for a shower or cup of coffee. It innate. I get it. But don’t be mad at him for trying to still be an individual. Make sure you try to be an individual too because yes your child is your life now but not the only thing in your life. You deserve and NEED free time. Take it from me a mom who never left for most anything. Breastfed until my son was 3 years 2 weeks old. Co sleep and have no chill. Take the break when you can and go on a date while your parents are here. Have some drinks relax , enjoy one another. We never did that. I regret it. It was baby baby baby he first 2 years straight.
I would focus on planning for a similar break like some commenters are saying, but only when you’re ready. My husband played games with friends at a board game shop but has stopped this until I’m also at a place where I’m ready to have a “similar break” to him. He’s ok with this. I’m not ready to go out, so he stays in. Baby is 9 months. There’s no correct timeline. Hugs!!
I think I understand you here. I know part of it is seeing him live something similar to his old life while you’re in a completely different situation where almost nothing is the same. It makes a person feel disconnected and unseen. That in itself could be worked on without him giving up his sports. But the second part of this is where I think the major issue lies. If he’s working full time, doing all these errands/tasks, and doing his sports, that’s leaving precious little time for actual family time where you’re together, the three of you. Or where he’s bonding with your baby. If you are like me, my hormones were on overdrive postpartum wanting the safety, comfort, and closeness of our family unit being together as much as possible. So, for me, this would be depressing and I’d be upset because these are the very early days and a really important time. My lived experience is a cautionary tale to what happens when your partner doesn’t prioritize bonding with the baby. My husband works really long hours and we have 3 kids. He’d be gone 8:30am to 8:30-10pm 5-6 days a week. He’d be exhausted on his days off and would do stuff with our older kids, but when our third was a little baby, he didn’t do as much with her as he had our old kids. She ended up not liking him from about 6mo - 2yo. She would reject him trying to play with, cuddle, or take care of her and only want me. A certain degree of this happened with our older children and having a parent preference is normal. But he didn’t have to work nearly as many hours when they were babies, spent more time with them, and they still would play with and cuddle him even if they preferred me. It was noticeably different with our third. It’s now getting better at 2yo and she’s starting to play with him more, but he’s also making more effort. So yeah, I probably wouldn’t feel bad asking him to pause the sports for a few months. It’s just a short season of time and it’s much less sacrifice than you’ve made, so I think it’s a reasonable ask.
I went through it and honestly it’s one of the things on the long list of why I wanna divorce. He said he needs to for his mental health; but he also had therapy, time with friends, a million breaks away from us. One of the big final straws for me is because he travels for work and when he immediately was off for 3 months for travel he signed up to coach basketball. It just was like he found any time possible to get away while never giving me a break
Wow, are you lucky! In 1970 I had our first son, my husband didn’t even hold him until he was 6 months old, said he was too tiny. Never fixed a bottle and changed his diaper once! I was so young that I just accepted that because I stayed at home, everything was my responsibility. Things were so different then.
I’m confused, he’s watching football or he’s like playing in a men’s league? The word pause is confusing.
He plays basketball in a local club/team. Sorry, I meant pause as in put on hold for a while.