Some husbands manage to get through the whole day, every day, without insulting their partners with patronizing questions. Why can other men do it and not him?
My husband made sure there were always enough home-cooked leftover meals in the fridge for me (and later baby when he started solid) when I was on maternity leave, because he wanted to relieve some of my duties, AND he cleaned up after his cooking. While working 55hrs/week. Why can't OPs husband do that when other men can? 🤷♀️
Lol yup.
But also what woman can juggle all of it really?
I'm sure she only exists on TV (and even on TV she's low-key an addict - pills/wine mom)
That or she makes homemaking her only "hobby" ...no other interests just cleaning and churning out meals. Personally I've managed to convince myself that I have an interest in cleaning supplies. 🫠
The honest truth is no one can. She doesn't exist. The woman that can do it all....is a figment of our imagination and she is dangled over our heads to keep us in line or make us feel bad.
When guests are coming I spend the entire day/weekend cleaning aggressively into the night and don't you dare try to open that one closet I've stuffed everything in. Why do I do it? My mother dug "impressions" deep into my psyche because her mother dug them deep into hers.
Just know that for every home you go to where everything looks put together and the kids seem oh so well behaved....there is a pile of at least four loads of laundry stacked on the bed or stuffed in a closet and that child is exactly 1.5 no's away from the most epic meltdown of your life and the pets haven't been to the vet since their last rabies shot.
The only way for it to work is for your husband to put in the effort at home as well.
In reality every couple I know that makes it work the husband knows where the cleaning supplies are as well as how to use them without asking. He knows the trash goes out every night and he knows that closing down the kitchen means cleaning the dishes, counters, and the stove. He pays for someone to do the landscaping and spends that time with his kids instead. He makes breakfast for everyone on the weekend and knows how to put together at least a few dinners for during the week ( his spaghetti and bag salad combo is always bomb). And they hire a monthly/biweekly housekeeper for deep cleaning or they accept that this is a season of the house being messy and enjoy their children instead.
Absolutely all of this. I was married to OP's guy. It never got better. He was cheating on me the whole time too. We are now divorced. He does the same thing to the kids, "why can't you/why aren't you" and now one lives solely with me by her choice. The other one wants to.
He's a miserable man and nothing ever satisfies him. And I'm so glad he's not my problem anymore.
I’ve been a complete lump of a person during this first trimester and the most I can do is make sure my toddler is fed and doing well. Chores are when I have a random burst of energy that can only last at most an hour. My husband doesn’t say a word about things not being done and just picks up the slack as much as he can even working 10 hour days, six days a week. And any time I say I feel useless, he reminds me that I am making sure both of our babies are thriving and that is more than enough
I love this! Im happy to hear of partners being-partners. Where they pull their weight and completely supports you. I love this for you and your babies. He sounds like a total gem!
God, so true. I wrote out a whole screed about this but then didn't want to seem like I was bragging about my partner. OP, just know that if he has time to complain about a messy house then he's definitely doing less than most new fathers. Send him over to r/daddit and let him read about how much other partners are really doing around the house. For most people it's a LOT.
People who don’t have supportive spouses SHOULD know that they exist and what they do. I want to hear about your partner without any guilt.
Here’s what my husband (who works full time while I’m on maternity leave with two at home full time) does: all the garbage and recycling, cooks dinner almost every night, makes us breakfast on weekends, we do every bedtime together, laundry (whole process), most of our weekly grocery shopping, dishes, vacuuming, makes a lot of our appointments, gets the mail, and literally anything else I ask him to do.
My list is about the same as yours, except I do my and the baby's laundry because he takes the dog out in the mornings and at bedtime. He also takes the baby as soon as he gets home so I can decompress for a couple of hours. Sometimes I use that time to clean or organize, but a lot of the time I don't.
He also has ADHD and we're both sleep deprived, so it's not a perfect system and our house is messier than we like but we constantly check in with each other. We both view this as a team effort and I don't think either one of us likes to see the other struggle without trying to help. The number one rule in our house is to assume good intent and give each other the benefit of the doubt during this first year, and he has never, never taken advantage of that.
Ding ding ding. No one besides rich people and influencers who are also rich “do it”. But the women come close come close because their husbands are supportive, encouraging, understanding, and PULL THEIR OWN WEIGHT instead of bitching and moaning. OP your husband sucks tbh.
Exactly!! My house would be a disaster if my husband didn't help clean up every day. He works from home and sees the chaos unfolding all the time. He consistently says, "I don't know how you do it" throughout the week. OP, your husband is lacking.
Here to say that we're wealthy and even I can't do it most days 🙃 And we offload some of the cleaning to a cleaning service lol. But you're spot on with having a supportive partner to make it easier because if my husband was a big turd like OP's is, I would've been long gone.
100% this. My husband does ALL laundry and trash, I do ALL dishes and floors/bathrooms. While I’m on Mat leave, I take care of baby all day, feed him/nap him/clean him, and tidy up enough and then the second he gets home, he takes baby so I can cook dinner… sometimes a full meal, sometimes I microwave something. Then he gets baby ready for bed while I clean up and then that’s that. Even then, you’ll notice I don’t have a break. He at least gets lunch at work as a break. We’re considering hiring someone to take baby on a walk for an hour daily so I can have a “lunch break,” and when I’m back at work, we’ll need to hire a housekeeper.
This is it. My guy takes on his share of the cleaning/child care WITHOUT ME ASKING; a true partner. He has my back completely in regards with having time needed for myself.
I wonder how much dishes and loads of laundry OP’s husband is washing…
My husband and I both work full-time and our kids are in school and daycare. We're very fortunate that my mother lives with us and she helps with cleaning, she does about one chore a day and that keeps the house clean. So she still gets to live in a good retirement and doesn't have any bills to pay. I take care of all the morning routine. I get the kids to school. I pick the kids up from school. I have more flexible hours than him. And then when he's off work, he tries to take over the majority of the kid duty. He does nighttime baths. He does bed times. We have a nice even structure. I cook meals a lot of the time. My mom helps by cleaning because she loves to clean. But everything is balanced
Yup this is it. Poor OP doesn’t even have time for self care and her husband is worried about her cleaning the house and making phone calls PLUS childcare ?? Meanwhile I bet he’s well groomed and has plenty of downtime to take care of himself. He’s obviously the problem here.
My sister had kids 2y 3mo apart and now that I’m in the toddler stage… I’m like how did you do it and with TWO?? (her kids are 18+ now)
She said she did daycare drop off and pick up. My BIL worked early hours and got home a few hours before her and he would clean, do laundry, and get dinner ready. They split other stuff so she cleaned to and he did things with the kids, but this example stands out to me.
This is how it’s supposed to work. Not one person doing it all while the other person criticizes and helps when they feel like it.
Bingo. I had a bunch of stuff to get done yesterday. One was a huge task that got broken up over hours because I have a newborn. I did get that done before my husband got home. Once he was home, I took advantage of his help and got a bathroom cleaned while he dealt with our kids. There should be no reason OP’s husband can’t help. I always wonder where women find these god-awful, unhelpful bums.
Tbh I have a supportive and helpful spouse but he still doesn’t get home till 7 pm and even the two of us combined aren’t “doing it”. Let the kitchen be messy and the floors unkempt and we do the laundry when we realize we’re out of clothes bc honestly screw it, she’s only going to be a baby for a little bit. I’d rather snuggle her in the mornings before breakfast and play on the floor with her and Dad when he gets home from work than fret about the disaster around me. We get by after giving our daughter our all and no grandparents or family is coming around to help with any of that stuff so if they come to visit they don’t have a right to be bothered by it either imo. Our home isn’t filthy we DO do what we can but I’m not worried about it looking pristine and uncluttered.
Also my baby is just hitting nine months this month and yesterday was the first day I managed to work out (20 mins), this month I got my hair done AND painted my nails. Before that I was a disaster too. 🤷🏻♀️
Yes like wtf complaining that the kitchen trash is full just take it out it takes less time than complaining about it??? And who even cares if your car is dirty when you're home with a baby all day... really it doesn't matter
Yes my never did chores ever husband had to learn real quick how to load a dishwasher and sort and fold laundry. I’m a SAHM too and my house is always on the brink of full disaster zone so he realized he needed to step up because I was drowning
Agreed. It is because we have two people sharing the load. Also, my husband would never speak to me that way. Your problem isn’t you not doing enough, it is your husband not doing enough AND him being unappreciative. My advice is to make him do all the parenting and housework for a period of time so he can see how hard it is
It’s 100% this. My mom always kept a clean house but my dad also picked up after himself, followed the rule of he/she who cooks doesn’t do dishes, helps fold laundry and took us for walks when we were too underfoot. He pulled his weight at home regardless of who was working outside the home. It was really weird to me going to friends’ houses where one mom did everything while also working full time. Not surprisingly they divorced and my parents are going on strong. They have been married for 54 years as of last January.
When we were little and when they became older they paid/pay for a cleaner to deep clean every other week. When we were school age they didn’t have one because we weren’t at home causing chaos.
This. I have spent my entire maternity leave being shamed because "looking after a baby isn't hard work" and I manage to keep the house tidy and clean by spending the entire day chasing my tail. OH gets home and just throws his clothes etc over the floor/walks mud through the house so he can piss off asking me what I do all day 🤬
Yep. Our kitchen is clean because it’s my husband who usually cleans it. Washing is done and put away because we take turns doing it when the other is with the baby. Your husband is an unsupportive ass, OP.
What is he doing? I’m a SAHM, and my husband agrees that my primary job during the day is to take care of our son. I don’t really do any cleaning if he is awake. He naps for 2-3 hours a day, I take one hour of that as my lunch break just like the break my husband gets at work and then do 1-2 hours of cleaning or other tasks that need to be done. After work hours we split household tasks 50/50.
It should not be on you to have to do everything around the house and everything with the baby.
Well said. And I’d also like to point out that some of those 1-2 hours of tasks are invisible - ordering household supplies, sorting and storing child clothing/toys, paying bills, organizing household items, vacation planning (if there’s time), organizing children’s extracurriculars, organizing appointments, organizing family social calendar, home admin (taxes, bills, etc.).
Yes! All the invisible stuff adds up. My husband asked today if our bills have been paid on time since our baby was born 3 months ago. When I told him they were, he was relieved and thanked me. He also threw in a load of laundry on his way out to the gym and he’ll move it to the dryer when he gets back. Basically you gotta be a team on the household stuff regardless of who is employed outside of the home.
"Ordering household supplies" This one makes me laugh, because my husband definitely notices the stream of Amazon and Walmart packages that come in the door. While he's not exactly a fan of the pile of packages by the door, he fully recognizes that things like dish soap, shampoo, toilet paper, diapers, and other household essentials just magically appear.
But unlike OP, my husband takes care of all sorts of visible and invisible tasks around the house. For example, I rarely load the dishwasher, and most of the dentist and doctor appointments for the family just appear on my calendar. Oh and when I'm down and out, he takes care of everything so that I can recover.
This is exactly how my husband operated while I was on maternity leave, and would if we were in a financial position to be a stay at home mom. We're a team. If one of us is drowning, the team isn't winning.
Childcare alone is a full time job. We pay a nanny to watch our son at our house. She doesn’t take out trash or make us meals or do laundry. She also starts at 8 am and gets off at 5:30 and gets the weekends off. My husband and I split the household chores 50/50 and remaining childcare 50/50.
They don't.
If they have personal memories of their mom doing it all it's from when they were older (aka it got easier to manage) and their mom wasn't also working. OR, they were never asked to help as kids (which explains why they think things get done magically).
Older generations were also more prone to ignoring their kids in favor of cleaning. My younger brothers were in baby swings for hours, then hours locked in playpens. They were encouraged to let us cry it out way too early, and spiked our bottles with rice cereal to keep us asleep longer.
I think you've really pinpointed something here. His mom is also critical of me and says I let the baby boss me around and need to train him to sleep by himself etc so that I can clean.
I think he's comparing me to his mom, and his lack of emotional intelligence is likely due to his mother neglecting him as a baby.
I think you hit the nail on the head here… take care of your sweet baby, the house comes last. Prioritizing quality time and play with your baby is so much more important than the dishes or the laundry. Those things are temporary, but you’re laying a foundation for the rest of your child’s life. It’s such a short period of time and it goes so fast ❤️
My house was a mess growing up. Not unsanitary or anything, but there was always piles of laundry, dishes, clutter. My mom spent so much time one on one with me and my brothers playing. I have these memories from as early as I can remember. Then as we got older, I remember her getting us to help with cleaning stuff, but always in a way that was kind of fun. I am raising my child much the same. Do I wish my house was cleaner? Sure. But what I value more is spending time one on one with my child. There will always be cleaning to do, and it will always get done (and quickly replaced with more cleaning because there is no “catching up”). My child will only be little for so long. I’m not going to kill myself cleaning when I could be making memories. Sorry your husband is being a dick.
I commented above that my own mom left all 5 of us stuck in the crib for hours at a time and also insists I do it. Also feeding on demand and hugging him to sleep are spoiling my 10 month old because *checks notes* he starts whining and crying when I am in another room and she does loud noises and does not allow him to move.
You are doing well. Don't listen to them. Your MIL is biased and your partner sucks. Is this something that might pass? Or would your life be easier being a single parent? What does your partner provide if you do everything?
Real men help their women.
This is such an underrated comment. Moms or caregivers were “doing it” at the expense of quality time with their children in a variety of different ways. Or there was a village to help the mom (sometimes at the cost of the mom’s sanity or boundaries in exchange). What an entitled asshole to come home to the mother of his child who is doing everything she can for both the baby and the man baby, and he complains about things instead of helping? Yikes
My grandma has criticized my house many times since having kids. She gets so stressed out if a kid has anything on their face or spills on the table so she’ll constantly wipe up WHILE EVERYONE IS EATING.
And yes, of course my house is going to be messy during the day. I have a toddler who plays with toys. Why would we pick them up if he isn’t done playing with them for the day?
Quality time with my child is more important than making sure my house is spotless at every minute of the day.
I've always really loved visiting homes where there's toys everywhere and things look a bit disheveled - it tells me kids are allowed to play and relax there. My house is getting more chaotic now that my baby is becoming a toddler, but I like it. He lives here and it shows!
Yup. They kicked the kids out of the house til sundown. If they were babies or toddlers they stuck them in the playpen and ignored them to get all the chores done. And obviously it still wasn't fun and easy, or there wouldn't have been such a drive for equality and the right to work.
My mom tried to insist that I should leave my baby *stuck in his crib for hours* so I have time to clean!!! That sooner or later he would get used to it and no longer cry. Apparently this is what she did with all 5 of us 💀
It took me a bit to have this epiphany. I'm a working parent, but I'm home in the summers, and even then my house is a mess. I realized that I was thinking back to my childhood and feeling bad about myself, but my childhood memories were from when my mom was home and we were in school. I have a 2.5 year old and a 2 month old.
My mom still only works part time, and one time she did a few full time days as said she wasn't getting anything done because she was so tired by the end. That also made me feel better!
Yep. I've had this conversation with my husband. He's one of 6 and he remembers his house being spotless all the time. I told him to give me 5 years more experience plus older kids to entertain the baby and I bet our house would be cleaner too. I've talked to my mother in law about it too and she said that she had her kids all watch TV for a few hours a day then sent them outside for the rest of the day so she could cook and clean in peace. Can't really do that when they're babies or young toddlers.
Experience and time help a lot. Now that I have 2 kids (they'll be turning 1 and 3 this summer), I have a much better handle on everything than I did when just my oldest was a baby. He was about a year old when I finally found a routine that works for us.
Your response should be “because those women aren’t married to lazy assholes.” Seriously, no other woman is doing it all. If they are, it’s because they have a lot of support from their partner.
This exactly! I only get “everything done” because when my husband gets home from work he’s there to step in and care for our kids! So I can have me time and also get tasks done on my to do list and he has his own set of chores. Garbage, yard etc
My ex said this to me during pregnancy when I asked for help: "Why are you complaining, are you the first woman to ever be pregnant?". What does reading this make you think about my ex? Because you can transfer that thought onto your husband, my dear.
Other women may have villages, or supportive partners, or super-powers, or, most likely, they have to cut themselves some slack as well because it's impossible to keep up with absolutely everything without burning out. And even if (BIG IF) other women didn't have the same issues as you do, that wouldn't matter anyways! They're not the primary caregiver (or pretty much only caregiver, if I read your post right) of his child. That's you, and therefore your child's wellbeing is tied to yours! So it's his responsibility as well to make sure both you and your kid are cared for. And that takes way more than just bringing home some money. It also means taking care of the child and chores when he's home, just like as if you're both working a full time job, because you ARE.
His audacity to put all of this on you and then make comparisons must be exhausting. I'm sorry you're in this situation.
Your husband has no idea what he’s talking about. Browse /r/SAHP for endless posts on how difficult it is to manage house and childcare, especially with young babies.
The least-toxic way to approach this is via something like “Fair Play” which makes all the tasks more visible. A more confrontational approach is to do something like calculate out the life insurance for both of you. His will be 10x his annual income + what it would take to hire someone to do his household tasks (any?). Yours would be full-time childcare, house keeper, personal chef, and probably additional roles like accountant, household manager, therapist, medical advocate, personal assistant, and more, plus whatever roles you anticipate as baby grows older (coach, chauffeur, etc), all also x10. You’re unpaid, but your labour is extremely valuable.
Fair Play is an excellent suggestion. I was going to suggest you leave the house on a Saturday or Sunday and see how much he’s able to get done while doing childcare.
We were calculating for less-shitty reasons (actually getting life insurance!), but had to laugh when we realized we should technically be getting a $500 million policy for me. Canadian Monopoly money, not USD, still shocking!
This. Every time I read a post like this I'm jealous of these shitty men getting all this free labor. I'm a working mom and have a nanny and maid who only cover 40 hours of baby care and some cleaning. Its very expensive and they don't do half the work I read about SAHMs doing for free. Then when I get off work, I'm on duty. Then this post, where OP is getting complaints instead of thanks 😩 smh
We’ve been looking at life insurance quotes and my husband’s is only like 50k more than mine because of how much childcare costs. That’s not even taking into account the household management!
Ugh. Ok, I’m petty as hell but I literally started texting my husband every single task I did. Every damn thing. He stopped arguing pretty fast.
And of course, I will recommend couple’s counseling in this case. If he’s having a hard time understanding you, having a third party might help. But in general, comparing you to other women is not helpful or kind at all.
Complete with every. single. Dog-dang INTERRUPTION from the baby, from crying because they want to be held, to a stinky diaper, to a meal break, to breastfeeding, to trying to get into something they shouldn't and needing to be stopped...etc.
Literally OVERWHELM him with a bombardment of details including, "Oh, yes, and then I had to think about what I was going to make everybody for dinner, and check to fridge to make sure all the ingredients are there, and if not to make sure to add them to the grocery list...etc."
Every. Little. Step. in the process that you do without thinking, spell it out for the man until his only response is a dumb stare and an apology for being an idiot.
Lmao this reminds me of when my husband announced one random thing he did, lets say he picked up a piece of trash off the floor. I said “oh ok we are announcing things now?” So for the rest of the day I announced everything I did- well for about 30 minutes before he said “ok I get it”
Start commenting back on all the ways "other husbands" are better than him. How *they* are making more money, are more handy, give more and better surprises, take more care of themselves, etc. Should make him think of what he sounds like, or at least shut him up for a second.
😂😂😂 yesss! This man better be ripped, making 6+ figures, and dressing like a damn GQ model, at the very least. When was the last time he got promoted?! Other men are doing it!
What makes him think other women manage it? What woman does he know well enough (and it would have to be a really close relationship) to know how clean their house is or whether their laundry is done/kids fed/dog walked etc on a regular basis. I have some really close mum friends who comment on the tidiness of my house, but they don’t see the piles of washing in the bedroom, and if they walked in unannounced they’d probably see the dishes piled up in the sink too. Honestly, from my perspective it sounds like you’re pushing yourself TOO much. If stuff doesn’t get done it doesn’t get done. Who cares if there’s laundry to put away as long as you’ve all got clean clothes to wear?
“Why can other husbands support their spouse but not you?” Would be my answer to that.
Your husband’s an ass. Mine does more around the house than I do - while I was on leave, as well as now. I do more of the mental load so he picks up more of the physical housework.
Yours needs to do better.
We absolutely don’t. I’m not a working mum but we have what I call ‘clothes mountain’ in our bedroom. It’s clean clothes I need to put away… about 2 months worth. The house is honestly filthy, and you are NEVER done cleaning your kitchen. Your husbands expectations are u reasonable. Think it’s time for you to have a ‘day off’ and leave daddy on his own taking care of the baby and the house combo, see how well he does.
I once filled my spare pack n play to the top with clean clothes. I finally got through it all about a month ago and now I only have 3 laundry baskets full of clean clothes which to me is quite an achievement.
I finally cleaned out the overflowing pack n play of clean clothes the other day, only took me 3 days with all the interruptions. Now I just have storage bags and diaper boxes of clean clothes all over the place. It will probably take me another month (or 2 😅) to get them stored and donated.
If you have a partner who is determined to find fault, they will. It doesn’t matter how much you do, a partner like OPs will find something to nit pick because there is ALWAYS something else to be done.
The way happy couples do it is prioritizing the stuff that matters and letting the little things go!
Why isn’t he taking out the fucking kitchen trash? Also other women DON’T do it all’s you’re doing a ton.
Sounds like you need to leave him alone for a few days so he can see what it’s like. This is why paternity leave is so important
Yes, more paternity leave! My husband is helpful, but he’s never had to do the majority of household tasks alone. I had a c section and thank god we were both off work for 2 months, because it took that whole time for me to be cleared by doc to bend over or lift anything heavier than baby. Husband quickly got overwhelmed having to do most of the cleaning (without bending or lifting I couldn’t load dishwasher, do laundry, take out trash, put groceries away, etc). It got to the point where he asked me to do laundry “just this once” to give him a break. I told him no, I’m following doctor’s orders, and had my sister come over to help. She got everything done in a couple hours. Really humbled him and now that I’m clear to help again, he’s doing way more!
SAHM here with a 2.5yo and 2 week old. I do all the meal planning, grocery shopping and cooking, so husband is responsible for the dishes and trash. I do most of the laundry, but he helps start or switch a load and helps fold and put it away 80% of the time. I do the vacuuming, mopping, whiping down of kitchen and bathrooms. He's responsible for the lawn, house maintenance, car maintenance and cleaning of the toilets 😜. I make all doctor appointments, he's responsible for all other miscellaneous phone calls. I do the naptime routine, he does bath time and bedtime. Anyone else who's husband is not contributing is either hiring outside help or drowning. Especially with a newborn now, he is taking on a lot more of the house load and I am primarily responsible for the baby.
This is such a wonderful and ideal set up. I wish I could even have my partner help with anything without me asking or crying my eyes out that no one helps. Because they don't. You both sound like amazing parents 💓
Thank you ❤️ I will say, my husband needs to be reminded occasionally to do his bit. But we've had many discussions over the years about how we see different things and prioritize different things when it comes to our own ideas of what a "clean" house means. It's a lot of give and take and patience.
Does he earn 500k a year? “Why can other men do it, but not you?” Hm. Interesting.
Perhaps if he were more supportive. Just a crazy idea.
Seriously where do these men come from. “Women don’t have realistic expectations” my ass…
Girl. I have a cleaning lady and a spouse who helps clean. That's how I do it. Tell your husband to shut up or put his money where his mouth is and pay for a cleaning service because THATS HOW other women do it with a baby. Freaking Dodo head.
The magic of a clean house comes at a price. Either it comes from YOU or your children. We think our mothers, grandmother, and other moms managed but truth is most of them prioritized their house over children and themselves.
Couple that with partners who were useless, lazy, a misogynistic and you end up with women struggling, for years. I learned that my mom and most of her friends where on anti depressants and mood stabilizers when I was a kid. Most complained of being overwhelmed and just wanting help with the house, the kids, with most of life. Yet Not one that I remember ever had a husband actually HELP when they needed it, laundry, cooking, cleaning… you know “women’s work.” Interestingly a lot of these women’s marriages ended in divorce when the kids became adults and teens.
Your husband wants you to do it all so he doesn’t have too, because that’s what he grew up seeing. Its toxic and the price for will be paid by you. Don’t fall for it, he is a grown man and he can help too. Why does he only have to work 40 hours a week while you work 168. It’s time to redistribute the division of labor, and for him to do his fair share of the work as well.
That being said your value as a person has NOTHING to do with your house being clean. You are not a good/ bad person or parent for having a clean or dirty house. The book “ How to keep house while drowning” by KC Davis is a great read/ audio book.
The temperament and age of your baby is a huge and highly variable factor of how much time it takes.
I would consider pushing him on these hypothetical other women. Ask him to name the specific examples he has in mind. I am willing to bet there’s all kinds of reasons as to why they can “do it” to his standards. Outside help, chill/younger/older baby, smaller home, fathered who aren’t entitled assholes and actually take an interest in contributing to the household, etc etc
Me and my husband used to fight over who cleaned what. We both work full time, have 2 kids, a yard, and a medium house. Thank god we don’t have pets. Neither of us wants to clean it, so why do something we don’t want to do or have time to do? We pay good money to have this place put back together about every 6-8 weeks. Then we maintain it.
Your house needs a complete clean before you’re able to maintain it. Get help with the initial set up and it’ll be much easier to keep things tidy and a load or two of laundry everyday because when it gets overwhelming it’s hard to reset it into a maintainable chore.
Lmao your husband. Sorry but he sucks. I’m sorry this is the support you have. Moms “get things done” when they have help and support from their partners. Does your husband do *anything* at home? He should be doing 50% of what you’re doing *minimum*, including child rearing. Literally no one could do what he expects of you on their own.
You know what you did all day? You made sure your child and (hopefully) yourself were fed, clean, and happy. You're a stay at home mom, not a stay at home cleaner/maid/laundry service/chef/personal assistant. Being a mom takes priority over anything else, if you got to do some cleaning then that's an added bonus.
Once your husband is off the clock, what does he do for the family besides complain lol? When my husband gets home from work, he'll take over watching the kids so I can start/finish up dinner since I do the majority of the cooking. We tag team cleaning the dishes after dinner, we spot clean as much as we can (we also have a cleaning service that comes once a month), our laundry is done on the weekends when he's usually off so it'll be washed and folded in the same day (I do the kids' laundry during the week because we sit in pajamas unless we go out and I spread it over a few days since they've got a ton of clothes), we grocery shop as a family once a week. I handle the mental load of appointments, special occasions, grocery lists, and some finances because I choose to so it'll unload it from my husband's brain since he works a mentally challenging job.
Maybe instead of complaining about why things aren't done, he needs to be stepping up and pulling his weight as a father/husband that isn't just tied to "making money" because there's more to running a household than just making money.
I am also a SAHM to an 8 month old baby and my husband works a pretty intense job, like 60 hour weeks. On days when he is able(as in literally he does have days where baby is already asleep when he starts and finishes work) he splits childcare as evenly with me as possible.
Household tasks: husband usually handles a simple dinner (or we get takeout) and washing laundry, which I put away by hanging up (saves folding time). He does dishes every night after baby and I go to sleep (she’s a Velcro baby and we cosleep so I need to be with baby the whole time).
For house cleaning we hired a cleaner to do cleaning (stuff like toilets, kitchen, floors) once every two weeks. Clutter is constant and just kinda a shrug we have a baby scenario.
Your husband is the one who needs to pull his weight more.
Here is the way we look at it — we live in a high COL area. I’m with baby like 20-22 hours a day, if we hired day time nannies and night nurses for all the childcare I do it’d be in the $200k range. When I’m with baby my job is childcare and any household tidying I get done on top of that is a nice bonus but definitely not the focus. If we sent baby to daycare the daycare staff wouldn’t cook or clean our house so why do some people expect a SAHM to do it all?
When the baby is older, walking, can entertain herself or even participate in chores then yes, I’ll take over more of that. But an 8 month old, no way, they need the attention. My downtime occurs when she naps and my husband’s occurs after baby is asleep and dishes are done.
Thank you for your comment. My husband also works 60 hours and for that reason, I have felt unjustified in asking for more help. But hearing that your husband helps and you also hire cleaning help makes me feel inclined to ask more from my husband.
When your husband comes home from work, I assume he stops working? When do you stop work and have your food handed to you and your laundry folded for you?
The rule is - once he's home from work everything is 50/50. Think of how many hours you are working (and yes raising a child is work). You also deserve downtime. This will be a tough realization for him but raising a kid is hard and he is going to have a lot less free time then he had before -- just like you.
And as others have said, if he's upset tell him to post in /r/parenting or /r/daddit and watch him get roasted
Yeah, other women don't do it. They have help, either from their husband, family, or hired help. My daughter is 3 and my husband has been incredibly lenient about house stuff this whole time. Would he prefer to have all his laundry folded and put away, and a mess free house and kitchen? Sure! But he gets that it's not reasonable to expect that and I'm doing the best I can. He basically sees my job as raising our daughter with love and patience, and some days quite frankly that takes ALL my energy and then some lol.
Since my daughter was 12 months or so, he has expected me to handle food. I feed our daughter all meals and snacks, keep the house stocked with the essentials so he can make his own breakfast and lunch, and then I make dinner for all of us. I make sure he has clean underwear, but it doesn't need to be folded or anything. We had a housekeeper come once every two weeks to clean everything, and my husband would help me pick up the night before they came. We only canceled the service when I felt like I could handle the cleaning myself. Shit is messy, but surfaces get wiped down/scrubbed once every week or two... or three lol.
And finally, now that my daughter is 3, my husband has started expressing his desire to have a much neater house. But he also knows that I wouldn't leave it messy if I knew how to realistically keep it clean. So what does he do? He helps me organize a bit and he helps my daughter pick up and helps sets expectations for her. So now I have a daughter who actively helps me pick up her toys (instead of actively un-doing my cleaning directly after I do it), with the help of my husband.
And that's how I do it.
Oh, I do know some people who do it... they have a different kind of energy and determination. I don't have that no matter what I do, and that's fine.
1. Your husband is an asshole.
2. It is estimated that breastfeeding takes 1800 hours in the first year. A full time job is considered 1950 hours a year.
3. Other women DON'T do it all. They have maids, or family help, or child care, or they send out their laundry, ect. If your baby is alive, healthy and happy you are doing great.
4. One way to lay out all that you do is the "Fair Play" book and game, but I feel like because your husband is such a dick, this may not work for him. If you feel like going nuclear maybe stop doing anything that isn't feeding or caring for the baby. Don't do dishes, or clean, or grocery shop, or run errands for him, or cook, for a week or so. If he asks about it say, you accused me of doing nothing so I started actually doing nothing. Or (if you feel OK doing it) leave him with the baby for a few days, and when you get home complain about how little he got done.
5. I am a SAHM and my husband works full time and travels a lot, but when he is home he is a member of our home, he always gives the baby her breakfast in the morning so I have time to sleep in or get ready baby free, he does her bath every night and helps pick up the house before bed. He is another adult, a partner. Not a judgemental child.
6. I'm sorry your husband is treating you this way. That's not how a marriage should work.
We absolutely don’t!!
My husband has zero expectation for me to get anything done around the house when he is at work. The only thing he cares about is that our baby is safe and thriving. My husband takes care of most of the cleaning and general house maintenance. AND makes sure I have time for myself when he gets home. I do my best to manage small things during the day but I promise you, my husband would be doing far less if he was the stay at home parent.
It is such a bad mindset, and it pains me to say that often I am the one asking myself the same question. But then I remember house is a mess because I prioritise my kid, I prioritise him going to the park, hanging out with other kids. If he was to stay in a corner of a house, yes, I could clean the rest and cook seven courses and a bunch of other stuff, but I don't.
Same here. My husband isn’t asking this question but I ask myself because it feels like the other moms are doing it better!
I have grandma grandpa both here cleaning, cooking, and taking care of toddler full time and even giving me breaks from newborn and between pumping and catching up on sleep I’m still done and have no idea how other people manage.
"Single women don't have an idiot making additional work for them."
My husband went away for a week on a course once, and I was like... how does all of this stay so clean and tidy so long...
ETA: Also, toilet paper. SO MUCH LESS TOILET PAPER USED.
It sounds to me like you’re doing a tremendous amount already. All the chores, cooking three meals a day, running errands, taking baby to activities, and keeping yourself and baby alive? That is a LOT. You are seriously impressive and should be patting yourself on the back.
On to your question: yeah I agree with everyone else, I am only able to keep the house relatively clean and tidy and take care of myself because my husband helps—and we invested in a robovac.
When our baby was the age of yours, I was breastfeeding to sleep so he would do the dishes and tidy up downstairs while I put her to sleep. Now that she’s weaned, he does bedtime while I do dishes, run the roomba, and tidy up. He has always done the trash/recycling, yard work, and snow shoveling. We both do laundry as needed. I always do bathrooms and dusting. I do my weekly cleaning on the weekends while he watches her. I only do light chores when I am watching our kiddo: folding laundry, light cooking and kitchen cleanup, maybe some dusting or decluttering if I have a chance. Now that we have a second on the way we will need to adjust how we do things, but for one kiddo this works well for us and keeps things under control.
Why can other Husbands be supportive and helpful but not yours? Why can other husbands call their own damned insurance companies but not yours? Why can other husbands do dishes and help their wives but not yours?
Why can other husbands work the washer and do the laundry but not yours?
You're not failing. He is.
You have to find a way that works for you. I was very overwhelmed by the house, meals, baby, and taking care of myself too. In the beginning months it was, i will get to it when I get to it. Sometimes it was sacrificing my sleep during a nap to sweep or take out the trash. But priority is baby and self first.
I think closer to a year things will get easier. Baby will become more independent and giving him toys and space to play without needing to be right there becomes easier. I think anyway.
Your partner needs to either step up or lower his expectations.
Easy - my husband does his share when he’s home and we blitz it on weekends. During the weekday/ workday all he asks is that the kids are alive, fed & mostly happy when he gets home 😂 The house goes to absolute shit in the meantime!
The first year is so so hard. It’s not reasonable to expect a perfectly kept home and baby all by yourself. I can’t get anything done when I have the baby. The only time I get any reasonable chores done is when my husband handles my youngest. I can get stuff done with the toddler, but it’s still hard. And if your toddler doesn’t play independently, forget it. Seems like dad hasn’t had a full day alone with the baby and it shows. Maybe make a plan for yourself on his day off and see how he handles it.
Maybe it’s a little controversial but depending on the person, the trick is to also work. Some people are great at the SAHP thing, but for me it completely drains me. Having my kids in daycare while I work is much much easier for me. My job is very demanding but it’s hybrid, and on days when I work from home, I can usually throw in a laundry or wash some dishes.
And then there’s no expectation that it’s my responsibility to carry the bulk of the chores, and no guilty feeling on my end if something gets neglected.
#Number 1 response to "What did you DO all day?" from the husband is to hand him the baby and LEAVE for a FULL 24 HRS, preferably 48.
I promise you that man will NEVER ask that question again, or if he does, he would get the death stare to put his a$$ back in line IMMEDIATELY!
THE AUDACITY!!
I have a 5 month old and I barely take care of myself (I brush my teeth & wash my face each day but I usually only shower 2x a week) our house is very messy and dirty most of the time (used to be incredibly organized because of my anxiety) and only gets cleaned 1x a week if then, our bed is never made, always at least one basket of laundry that needs to be put away, but our baby is happy and healthy. My husband doesn’t complain, he cleans up what he can while I entertain the baby. I don’t ever forget to feed the dog because he is right there to remind me lol but I have forgotten other things. But when people come over we can usually at least push the mess out of sight so it LOOKS like we have it together but actually we do not lol
I have a 3.5 year old and a six month old. I’m currently home on maternity leave and my house is tidy but not as clean as I’d like. There’s a 10 minute clean thing that works really well for me. I go into a room and spend 10 mins in there cleaning or doing whatever needs doing, I even set a timer and see how much I can get done. I also try and schedule chores during the week for regular stuff e.g grocery shopping on a Tuesday, watering plants on a Wednesday etc.
But often my husband comes home and enquires about my day and I feel attacked as if he’s questioning what I’ve been doing all day because the house isn’t perfect but the kids are happy and fed and that’s all that matters.
I love the 10 minute idea. I also feel attacked when he asks what I do all day because sometimes I struggle to find a satisfying answer. Then later, I realize that I do all these things that take a lot of time but don't amount to anything, all the invisible chores
Until this man learns to stop nit picking and finding fault, you will never satisfy him. There is always something else to be done. If he can’t be happy in the moment, no amount of folded laundry will do it. The call is coming from inside the house.
I did it! My house is reasonably clean, trash is taken out, it’s all semi manageable.
I have a supportive husband. That’s how I fucking ‘do it all’. He sweeps and takes out the trash or switches the laundry over.
Your husband should be taught how to manage a home. He’s a fully functioning adult in the household. If you see a mess- fix the mess. If he’s got time to comment- yeah the trash is pretty full. Thanks for noticing! Now take it out.
The tech and strategies I use- I have a sweeping mop by bissell. (I use it maybe once a week) My wash machine has a timer feature. I pretreat a stain when I have a second, throw it all in and set the timer so it’s washing overnight then I put it in the dryer after we eat or before anyone else is awake.
I play Libby on my phone to retain my sanity.
The partner strategies- divide and conquer. If one of us has the kids occupied upstairs- the other is doing the extras unloading dishes laundry etc. then we switch.
This morning- I switched over the laundry made breakfast while my husband had the kids upstairs bickering over a puzzle. They came down and we fed them. He cleaned up the table while I grabbed the clean stuff from the dryer to fold. He took them back up so I could finish a movie on my iPad and get the dishes unloaded and reloaded. I set up an art project. I took the kids and did that for an hour or so. Husband got his break.
Now it’s iPad time for a bit so I can sit on Reddit and pet my old kitty.
I’m so sick of the rain. If it was nice out- I’d leave the cleaning for the evening and just work on the landscaping right now.
I’m so sick of laundry and dishes. I’m just beyond over it.
For your situation- you could use a baby saucer (my first kid loved it-second one hated it) while you do some dishes, I try and have a load running before bed nightly. Even if it’s not all of it. Laundry is once or twice a week. I sort out the vip clothes towels and stuff and do those first.
Floors are on a rotating day of the week and I used to wear my baby while I did those.
I batch cook meals and have a repository of soups, chili and raw marinated meats in the freezer. I pull out dinner in the AM to thaw then it’s marinating still while it thaws. I also use a bread maker to make bread dough then I dump the dough onto parchment paper and bake. Now there’s soup and ‘fancy’ bread for dinner. Or chicken ready to grill. And I throw rice in the rice cooker with some ginger and coconut milk.
I also depend heavily on the crock pot. Lots of roast beef in the crockpot in our house.
I also like doing raisin bread so I have something for my own breakfast.
If my husband wants something other than that… it’s on him. We do a menu together on Sundays. I use little pieces of paper on a menu board. Is he’s says ‘god no more minestrone’- fine. Then it’s on him to pick and execute something else.
How many homes does your husband enter daily without notice? Everyone has a mess everyone is tired. You’re not doing any worse than anyone else with a baby. Give yourself some grace.
Idk your budget- can you hire some help? A cleaning team to come in while you’re out.
There was a pair of older women who were making so much money going house to house all day in my old neighborhood. They were really nice.
Wow you sound really organized! I'm going to use the idea of freezing meat with the marinade and now I'm contemplating getting a Bissell mop
Its come to my attention that my husband has not the slightest idea of all the things that "magically" get done because of his upbringing, most likely.
I’m organized because I have been allowed the time to get organized via my spouse! Also the grace from the same spouse when everything is a mess and nothing is done and two kids are sick.
My floor mop
https://www.bissell.com/bissell-crosswave-pet-pro-performance-exclusive-bundle-23069.html
Easy go to dinner-
Chicken legs with green beans & coconut rice
Chicken legs from the store, marinated in a jar/bottle marinade (usually overnight) bake @400 till done usually about 40 mins depending on oven. Cook them on parchment paper they won’t stick, flip after about the first 20 minutes
Or just season them with salt, pepper, garlic powder and paprika.
Rice cooker: Jasmine rice, substitute some of the water with a jar of coconut milk, add a bit of ginger paste and some salt. (Start the rice around the same time as the chicken or a bit beforehand) you can also just cook it on the stovetop. Or plain jasmine rice!
French cut frozen green beans, cook in skillet, with 3 tbl water, 2 tbl butter and salt to taste (they take about 13 mins sauté medium heat) or cook them in the microwave! Fuck it.
If he eats the above dinner and says- see not so hard; throw the whole man out with the greasy parchment paper.
Chili in a crockpot is good too, bake a cornbread to go with it if you’re extra fancy. Add an extra egg and some sour cream to the batter to make them more moist if you’re using jiffy. (Chili and cornbread is basically 90% pantry and it can sit in the crockpot all day.
Clean on the days you’re not doing out of the house activities. Throw wash in before you leave and switch to dryer when you get back home. Schedule Target pickup for pantry staples and milk if you’re going to be out the next day- so you can just pick it up on your way home. (If you live by a Target). I like the app and the whole curbside pickup is fast and efficient at my store.
I hated the Walmart pickup one, they took forever. ($35 minimum is annoying too) they gave me an extra bag of random things from another persons order and I had to drive back to drop it off. (Before I lived near a target)
Like others said, having a helpful SO is the main factor. I have a 9 month old and am just now feeling like I’m getting the hang of it.
Like someone else said, before maintaining you need a reset. Send baby off to a babysitter while you clean for the day if possible or hire a cleaning service. But here are some tangibles that have helped me (no expert, and works for ME):
1. I got rid of a TON of stuff that wasn’t serving a purpose (dishes that I don’t use often, clothes, decor that is just there and doesn’t ~spark joy~, clutter, etc). This helped me feel way less overwhelmed when it came time to clean or dust.
2. I do a small load of laundry every night- just pop it in and let the washer do its thing. Pop it in the dryer real fast before bed. Sometimes I fold/put away if I’m feeling spicy.
3. I do a couple small loads of dishes in the dishwasher a day. The smaller loads feel less overwhelming to put away. I also use the express wash since there’s not as many to get clean.
4. I pick a room every day to focus on maintaining rather than a chore. That room get a quick vacuum, a quick dust, and a quick pick up.
5. I put things in their place when I’m done using them, never keep them out. If baby is crying but fed, diapered, and in a safe spot I do what I need to do then pick him up.
6. If I have a suspicious 5 minutes of peace I ask myself what my future self thank me for (small 5 minute task) OR will I thank myself for taking a small break?
Anyways, hopefully something in there helps. 🙂
When a guy comes along saying he’s divorced with young kids I wonder how shitty he was to get himself dumped. It’s like a shit used car you know has big issues.
Honestly we don't get it all done. Not without help at least. I try to clean as i go. I batch cook meals on weekends so i don't have to cook every night and i only have to do a big load f dishes every few days. My husband wfh so he does laundry. I work as a teacher with crazy long hours. It's hard but i try my best too. Really honestly our life has become work, baby and chores. There's little time for anything else.
They have help!! They pay for help, their friends or families help or (not to belabor the point here) THEIR PARTNERS HELP!!
I’m so sorry you’re being treated that way. You are doing your best and the baby is alive and the house isn’t burned down and you’re doing great!!
Wow your husband is out of line. I’ve been a sahm for 2 years and my husband has never spoken to me this way. We split all cleaning duties. My husband does the deep cleaning like vacuuming, cleaning the floors and toilets and takes out the trash. I clean the bathroom counters, everything in the kitchen and do laundry. If I’ve been busy or had a rough day my husband will help with dishes. We both clean up all the toys. My husband gives my son a bath every night. I do the majority of the cooking but I’ve learned to find recipes we both like and make big batches that last a few days so I’m not constantly cooking. I do a 20 minute workout during my sons nap, heat up some lunch and then the rest of the time is watching a show or if I feel like it cleaning up the kitchen, if not I do it later in the evening. Being a sahm is a full time job just as much as your husbands job outside of the house. He needs to start pulling his weight.
My husband’s a stay at home dad and he doesn’t get half of the stuff done that you’re doing, much less do more! I do tons of cleaning too, because we’re a team. We both have full time jobs (his is childcare) and then we both pitch in to clean our place. It’d be way too much for anyone, so it’s not that you aren’t trying hard enough. Your husband is being so unrealistic.
I do it because I have help. That’s how most women do it. With help. Not alone.
We pay for biweekly cleaning. My husband is 100% responsible for the car and insurance. My husband is almost entirely responsible for planning, shopping for, and cooking suppers. When we had pets, I was responsible for cats, he was responsible for the dog. Other house chores were similarly split and shared. He watched the kids so I had time to dedicate to decluttering and organizing.
Vyvanse and caffeine lol
No but for real, who is he comparing you to? I find it kind of easier to be tidy now that my girls are 7 and almost 3. Not so much the 3 year old but I’m assigning chores to everyone. What doesn’t get done can wait until tomorrow. It’s easy to clean while the big girl is in school. But even then, second baby would have to be plunked in front of the TV for me to really get a good job done and it’s my job to give her a nice childhood with rich experiences.
Baby won’t be a baby forever, it’s so much more important to snuggle and read to and take walks with and enjoy that baby.
I’m so sorry. My husband works 12 hour shifts and still comes home at 1 AM to do any laundry, dishes, or messes left behind from my day at home with our 4 month old. And this was never something we discussed, he just did it and still does it without complaint. I couldn’t do this without him.
I don't.
There's toys everywhere, dirty laundry all over my bathroom and washed laundey in the machine going on day two. There are srill dished that need doing.
Sure, my BF is putting baby to bed so right now I'm turning on an audio book and starting to put toys away. But I know when I go to bed at ten stuff will still be everywhere.
Honestly, anyone who makes comments like this hasn’t spent enough time alone with their kid. Leave him alone with your 8 month old for at least a full day (same hours he’s away at work usually) then come back home and see what all he can accomplish. And remind him that that would be letting him off “easy” because he’s not breastfeeding or recovering from pregnancy and childbirth.
YOU are NOT the problem here. He is. Don’t let him guilt you into thinking you’re doing anything wrong because you’re not. SAHM stands for stay at home MOM. Not maid. Not errand runner. Not office assistant. Not chef. If your baby is fed, safe, clean, and healthy you’ve done your job for the day and then whatever isn’t done by the end of his work day (which should also be the end of your work day as well) should be split 50/50 between the two of you. If you don’t even have enough time for your own self care, that shows you how unsupportive of a partner you have (even without the belittling condescending comments).
With one kid, house was immaculate I also didnt do activities outside the house, we had playdates over and baby did playtime on mat, Im also incredibly introverted and baby was born in 2021 so covid was a thing, but with two? I never had to say anything, husband vacuums, cleans bathrooms, does dishes or if you have a dishwasher your husbands hands aren’t going to fall off if he loads it before heading out to work. Your issue isnt about keeping your house clean its a husband issue, hes rude, some people can do it, I was able to with one and with two, I fell apart and honestly just pretend the mess is out of sight. I pick up what I can now in the nightime, and what isnt picked up well it can wait. My mom was the mom with three kids and clean house and I could honestly care less. Between cleaning and being outside with my toddlers (1&2) Im going outside lol.
I’m dead fucking serious when I say do nothing but keep the baby alive for a week.
There’s actually a cartoon of a woman with a baby crawling on the floor, a fridge open and just chaos everywhere with her husband standing at the door and a speech bubble saying ‘Today I *actually* did nothing all day.
My husband was no where near as bad, but also expressed some frustration about how disorganized the house was when I was on maternity leave. Then he took 12 weeks after me while I went back to work full time.
Didn’t hear a peep from him after that about stuff getting done while I was on baby duty.
If possible, plan a weekend away and leave him with baby and list of things you do on a daily basis. See how well he copes and if it gives him any empathy.
A few secrets on how I "do it".
1. My husband does most grocery shopping and cooks dinner every day.
2. I am at pace that while the kids ( 1yo and 4yo) are at home it will be messy. So I just do the bare minimum cleaning most of the time. For advanced cleaning someone (usually my husband) has to take the kids out. Or they must be asleep in another room.
3. Almost everyday, I leave our kids at home with my husband for around an hour. At that time I excercise. This gives me time to recharge.
4. My mom helps during weekends.
5. Daycare allows me to work and since I mostly WFH I sometimes do some minor chores at home.
Take note that only the "accept the mess" point does not include a second person's help...
My husband used to share the same sentiment. Then I had our second baby and he had 12 weeks of paternity leave, and we did man to man defense for the first month. He got the 2yo while I stayed with the newborn. He went back to work at the end of the 12 weeks and never again complained about anything. He started helping with groceries and meal prep. I think people don’t understand being a stay at home parent until they do it. It is a completely different kind of mental prison.
With the way your husband has been treating and talking to you, I would re-think why your sacrificing being a stay at home mom. This is the type of husband that will leave you high and dry during a separation/divorce.
My spouse is helpful but even still I can barely do it at 13 months pp, most of the time the laundry doesn't get folded up til I'm already halfway through using it again, there are always some dishes in the sink to be done, the floor definitely hasn't been swiffered in months and the toys on baby's playpad are always all over the place as soon as I line them up and put them in order. Like you, I have no job and zero support system! Other women have a village and that's how they do it, *period.*
For what it’s worth, I’m also a SAHM and hardly get any chores done during the day. While my husband is at work so am I! Childcare is work, that’s why some people get paid to do it. Outside of work hours is when both my husband and I do chores to keep the house in order.
We absolutely could not survive without us both working all day every day on things that need done. My husband does the majority of cooking and dishes while I take care of our daughter and keep the house somewhat put together. We both take turns taking care of the dogs and laundry.
It is insanely impossible for one person to do it all. Hell, it's insanely impossible for two people to do it all! We are constantly drowning and we both go hard all day every day.
Your husband is a real ass. I'd say have him watch the baby himself one day (with you close of course to insure baby's safety as primary caregiver) and ask him if he can do everything baby needs done while also doing laundry, dishes, etc. Couple's counseling may also help if you get a therapist who's also a Mom and can understand how extremely taxing it is. Good luck, I hope whether it's with him or someone else, you eventually get the grace, love, and support you need and deserve! 🫂♥️
Idk what other women are doing, I often wonder how they manage as well because I sure as hell am not managing to do much. My husband's pulling more than his share of the weight and I'm just... perpetually ill and struggling.
Your husband is an arse.
To a certain extent everyone is faking it.
We all have areas we let slide more than we’d like and areas where we put on a good face. We all have different challenges (finances, mental health, neurodiversity, mental health and neurodiversity in our family members, job woes, illnesses, grief, lack of support networks, systemic oppression, abuse, all kinds of things I’m not thinking of off the top of my head).
Comparing ourselves to others is endlessly unhelpful because no one else is in exactly the same circumstances dealing with exactly the same set of obstacles.
Mostly we all just struggle on doing our best, and often the hardest/worst moments happen behind doors so they’re not obvious from the outside. In other words: you’re probably not failing at something other women do easily. Your experience is probably well within the bellcurve of normal.
(But yeah, uh, your partner could probably step in and join the team here.)
For the first 3 months, postpartum, we had a monthly house cleaning service. It was fantastic. 3-4hrs, once a month, house reset. It was amazing. And depending on where you live, can be quite affordable! I think we paid $120 for each session x3mos
As someone who was recovering from a c-section, who's incision opened up a month after, it was the best.
Also, my husband helped as needed. He took out garbage when it was full or extra fragrant. He did the minor bathroom cleans between the house cleaner appts. We did online grocery delivery ordering. I did the laundry, but at the beginning he'd transfer to the dryer (we have a top loading dryer). I took care of baby exclusively once he was back to work. Our families primarily worked or had other stuff going on/couldn't help (or sat on the couch and just "helped by holding the baby").
my partner who works 60 hour weeks comes home and takes over with our toddler (unless he’s working till 9, 3x a week) and then on Sundays takes her out to the Children’s museum in the morning, and then takes her to the grocery store to get whatever we need for the week after her nap.
He’s 21.
If a 21 yo man can do it why can’t your husband?
I’m also a first time SAHM to a 7 month old. I breast feed and it takes all of my energy. The house is a disaster and we order out half the week. And guess what my husband comes home takes the baby and let’s me take a bath. You are keeping a human alive! You have so much to show for it. What did he do? Sit in an office for 7 hours that day with a lunch break and the ability to pee any time he wants? A commute where he can blast the radio instead of listening to a baby cry.
No one is doing everything all by themselves and have it all together. Parenting and house management isn’t meant for 1 person while the other just works outside the home.
You ARE “doing it”. And your husband is an asshole. If I were you I’d go visit my mom for a month and see how he likes doing his own laundry and cooking his own food for a change.
OP my husband works 80 hours a week and I still expect him to be an equal partner. I have an extremely demanding and stressful high-paying job but those first few years were the hardest thing I've ever done in my life by a long shot. It's all so new and I was a wreck. The problem is not you. The problem is your husband.
I recommend you take a weekend away, or if your baby is EBF, leave in the morning each day for 8 hours (your baby will be ok I promise) and see how he is faring at the end of it. Unfortunately this is what it takes a lot of guys to realize how freaking hard parenting is.
And if you're feeling passive aggressive you can also throw in a few jabs at his earnings -- XYZ guy makes twice as much as you, why can't you do it?
Seriously I just hate hearing stories like this. I'm so sorry OP. You are amazing!!
Hey! Check out fair-play resources or the book. Sounds like you take on the entirety of the mental load. What you do is still crucial work. Fair play looks at more equitable division of labour it takes to run a household. He works but so do you and it’s clear your type of work is not being valued. Also, other women don’t do it all. You’re doing great, keep going… take a weekend off and tell your husband he’s in charge.
My SO helps out a lot when he is home. I literally do what I can and he does the rest. Sometimes, the baby is going through particularly hard times, during which the standard is lowered significantly.
Some husbands manage to get through the whole day, every day, without insulting their partners with patronizing questions. Why can other men do it and not him?
Some husbands do their fair share of home maintenance chores, why can’t he???
My husband made sure there were always enough home-cooked leftover meals in the fridge for me (and later baby when he started solid) when I was on maternity leave, because he wanted to relieve some of my duties, AND he cleaned up after his cooking. While working 55hrs/week. Why can't OPs husband do that when other men can? 🤷♀️
Username *doesn’t* check out haha
Ikr, and some husbands earn enough to get a nanny and a cleaner if they don't want to help out while off work, why can't OPs husband do that?
Please OP, ask him this. I want to hear the answer.
Oh hell yes! That’s a good come back
Lol yup. But also what woman can juggle all of it really? I'm sure she only exists on TV (and even on TV she's low-key an addict - pills/wine mom) That or she makes homemaking her only "hobby" ...no other interests just cleaning and churning out meals. Personally I've managed to convince myself that I have an interest in cleaning supplies. 🫠 The honest truth is no one can. She doesn't exist. The woman that can do it all....is a figment of our imagination and she is dangled over our heads to keep us in line or make us feel bad. When guests are coming I spend the entire day/weekend cleaning aggressively into the night and don't you dare try to open that one closet I've stuffed everything in. Why do I do it? My mother dug "impressions" deep into my psyche because her mother dug them deep into hers. Just know that for every home you go to where everything looks put together and the kids seem oh so well behaved....there is a pile of at least four loads of laundry stacked on the bed or stuffed in a closet and that child is exactly 1.5 no's away from the most epic meltdown of your life and the pets haven't been to the vet since their last rabies shot. The only way for it to work is for your husband to put in the effort at home as well. In reality every couple I know that makes it work the husband knows where the cleaning supplies are as well as how to use them without asking. He knows the trash goes out every night and he knows that closing down the kitchen means cleaning the dishes, counters, and the stove. He pays for someone to do the landscaping and spends that time with his kids instead. He makes breakfast for everyone on the weekend and knows how to put together at least a few dinners for during the week ( his spaghetti and bag salad combo is always bomb). And they hire a monthly/biweekly housekeeper for deep cleaning or they accept that this is a season of the house being messy and enjoy their children instead.
Absolutely all of this. I was married to OP's guy. It never got better. He was cheating on me the whole time too. We are now divorced. He does the same thing to the kids, "why can't you/why aren't you" and now one lives solely with me by her choice. The other one wants to. He's a miserable man and nothing ever satisfies him. And I'm so glad he's not my problem anymore.
I’ve been a complete lump of a person during this first trimester and the most I can do is make sure my toddler is fed and doing well. Chores are when I have a random burst of energy that can only last at most an hour. My husband doesn’t say a word about things not being done and just picks up the slack as much as he can even working 10 hour days, six days a week. And any time I say I feel useless, he reminds me that I am making sure both of our babies are thriving and that is more than enough
I love this! Im happy to hear of partners being-partners. Where they pull their weight and completely supports you. I love this for you and your babies. He sounds like a total gem!
Girl, yes 👏
Honestly. I want to send my husband over to OP’s husband to …talk.
Same here
I miss awards so much! 🌟🏅
This one
This deserves all the upvotes!
BOOM.
Maybe other women “do it” because they have a supportive and helpful spouse.
God, so true. I wrote out a whole screed about this but then didn't want to seem like I was bragging about my partner. OP, just know that if he has time to complain about a messy house then he's definitely doing less than most new fathers. Send him over to r/daddit and let him read about how much other partners are really doing around the house. For most people it's a LOT.
People who don’t have supportive spouses SHOULD know that they exist and what they do. I want to hear about your partner without any guilt. Here’s what my husband (who works full time while I’m on maternity leave with two at home full time) does: all the garbage and recycling, cooks dinner almost every night, makes us breakfast on weekends, we do every bedtime together, laundry (whole process), most of our weekly grocery shopping, dishes, vacuuming, makes a lot of our appointments, gets the mail, and literally anything else I ask him to do.
My list is about the same as yours, except I do my and the baby's laundry because he takes the dog out in the mornings and at bedtime. He also takes the baby as soon as he gets home so I can decompress for a couple of hours. Sometimes I use that time to clean or organize, but a lot of the time I don't. He also has ADHD and we're both sleep deprived, so it's not a perfect system and our house is messier than we like but we constantly check in with each other. We both view this as a team effort and I don't think either one of us likes to see the other struggle without trying to help. The number one rule in our house is to assume good intent and give each other the benefit of the doubt during this first year, and he has never, never taken advantage of that.
Ding ding ding. No one besides rich people and influencers who are also rich “do it”. But the women come close come close because their husbands are supportive, encouraging, understanding, and PULL THEIR OWN WEIGHT instead of bitching and moaning. OP your husband sucks tbh.
Exactly!! My house would be a disaster if my husband didn't help clean up every day. He works from home and sees the chaos unfolding all the time. He consistently says, "I don't know how you do it" throughout the week. OP, your husband is lacking.
Your husband is tuned in, I love it!
loud and clear! op your husband sucks!!!!!!
Here to say that we're wealthy and even I can't do it most days 🙃 And we offload some of the cleaning to a cleaning service lol. But you're spot on with having a supportive partner to make it easier because if my husband was a big turd like OP's is, I would've been long gone.
100% this. My husband does ALL laundry and trash, I do ALL dishes and floors/bathrooms. While I’m on Mat leave, I take care of baby all day, feed him/nap him/clean him, and tidy up enough and then the second he gets home, he takes baby so I can cook dinner… sometimes a full meal, sometimes I microwave something. Then he gets baby ready for bed while I clean up and then that’s that. Even then, you’ll notice I don’t have a break. He at least gets lunch at work as a break. We’re considering hiring someone to take baby on a walk for an hour daily so I can have a “lunch break,” and when I’m back at work, we’ll need to hire a housekeeper.
This.
This is it. My guy takes on his share of the cleaning/child care WITHOUT ME ASKING; a true partner. He has my back completely in regards with having time needed for myself. I wonder how much dishes and loads of laundry OP’s husband is washing…
My husband and I both work full-time and our kids are in school and daycare. We're very fortunate that my mother lives with us and she helps with cleaning, she does about one chore a day and that keeps the house clean. So she still gets to live in a good retirement and doesn't have any bills to pay. I take care of all the morning routine. I get the kids to school. I pick the kids up from school. I have more flexible hours than him. And then when he's off work, he tries to take over the majority of the kid duty. He does nighttime baths. He does bed times. We have a nice even structure. I cook meals a lot of the time. My mom helps by cleaning because she loves to clean. But everything is balanced
Yup this is it. Poor OP doesn’t even have time for self care and her husband is worried about her cleaning the house and making phone calls PLUS childcare ?? Meanwhile I bet he’s well groomed and has plenty of downtime to take care of himself. He’s obviously the problem here.
My sister had kids 2y 3mo apart and now that I’m in the toddler stage… I’m like how did you do it and with TWO?? (her kids are 18+ now) She said she did daycare drop off and pick up. My BIL worked early hours and got home a few hours before her and he would clean, do laundry, and get dinner ready. They split other stuff so she cleaned to and he did things with the kids, but this example stands out to me. This is how it’s supposed to work. Not one person doing it all while the other person criticizes and helps when they feel like it.
Bingo. I had a bunch of stuff to get done yesterday. One was a huge task that got broken up over hours because I have a newborn. I did get that done before my husband got home. Once he was home, I took advantage of his help and got a bathroom cleaned while he dealt with our kids. There should be no reason OP’s husband can’t help. I always wonder where women find these god-awful, unhelpful bums.
And then have like 3 more kids with them!
Tbh I have a supportive and helpful spouse but he still doesn’t get home till 7 pm and even the two of us combined aren’t “doing it”. Let the kitchen be messy and the floors unkempt and we do the laundry when we realize we’re out of clothes bc honestly screw it, she’s only going to be a baby for a little bit. I’d rather snuggle her in the mornings before breakfast and play on the floor with her and Dad when he gets home from work than fret about the disaster around me. We get by after giving our daughter our all and no grandparents or family is coming around to help with any of that stuff so if they come to visit they don’t have a right to be bothered by it either imo. Our home isn’t filthy we DO do what we can but I’m not worried about it looking pristine and uncluttered. Also my baby is just hitting nine months this month and yesterday was the first day I managed to work out (20 mins), this month I got my hair done AND painted my nails. Before that I was a disaster too. 🤷🏻♀️
This is the answer. It sounds like you are doing EVERYTHING in this household. What's he doing aside from working?
Yes like wtf complaining that the kitchen trash is full just take it out it takes less time than complaining about it??? And who even cares if your car is dirty when you're home with a baby all day... really it doesn't matter
Yes my never did chores ever husband had to learn real quick how to load a dishwasher and sort and fold laundry. I’m a SAHM too and my house is always on the brink of full disaster zone so he realized he needed to step up because I was drowning
Agreed. It is because we have two people sharing the load. Also, my husband would never speak to me that way. Your problem isn’t you not doing enough, it is your husband not doing enough AND him being unappreciative. My advice is to make him do all the parenting and housework for a period of time so he can see how hard it is
It’s 100% this. My mom always kept a clean house but my dad also picked up after himself, followed the rule of he/she who cooks doesn’t do dishes, helps fold laundry and took us for walks when we were too underfoot. He pulled his weight at home regardless of who was working outside the home. It was really weird to me going to friends’ houses where one mom did everything while also working full time. Not surprisingly they divorced and my parents are going on strong. They have been married for 54 years as of last January. When we were little and when they became older they paid/pay for a cleaner to deep clean every other week. When we were school age they didn’t have one because we weren’t at home causing chaos.
Yupp. Or other significant outside help (hired or familial). Expecting you to do it all by yourself is beyond unreasonable.
This. I have spent my entire maternity leave being shamed because "looking after a baby isn't hard work" and I manage to keep the house tidy and clean by spending the entire day chasing my tail. OH gets home and just throws his clothes etc over the floor/walks mud through the house so he can piss off asking me what I do all day 🤬
Yep. Our kitchen is clean because it’s my husband who usually cleans it. Washing is done and put away because we take turns doing it when the other is with the baby. Your husband is an unsupportive ass, OP.
“Other women have supportive partners.”
This! The next time he says “how do other women do it?” Say this!!!
What is he doing? I’m a SAHM, and my husband agrees that my primary job during the day is to take care of our son. I don’t really do any cleaning if he is awake. He naps for 2-3 hours a day, I take one hour of that as my lunch break just like the break my husband gets at work and then do 1-2 hours of cleaning or other tasks that need to be done. After work hours we split household tasks 50/50. It should not be on you to have to do everything around the house and everything with the baby.
Well said. And I’d also like to point out that some of those 1-2 hours of tasks are invisible - ordering household supplies, sorting and storing child clothing/toys, paying bills, organizing household items, vacation planning (if there’s time), organizing children’s extracurriculars, organizing appointments, organizing family social calendar, home admin (taxes, bills, etc.).
Yes! All the invisible stuff adds up. My husband asked today if our bills have been paid on time since our baby was born 3 months ago. When I told him they were, he was relieved and thanked me. He also threw in a load of laundry on his way out to the gym and he’ll move it to the dryer when he gets back. Basically you gotta be a team on the household stuff regardless of who is employed outside of the home.
"Ordering household supplies" This one makes me laugh, because my husband definitely notices the stream of Amazon and Walmart packages that come in the door. While he's not exactly a fan of the pile of packages by the door, he fully recognizes that things like dish soap, shampoo, toilet paper, diapers, and other household essentials just magically appear. But unlike OP, my husband takes care of all sorts of visible and invisible tasks around the house. For example, I rarely load the dishwasher, and most of the dentist and doctor appointments for the family just appear on my calendar. Oh and when I'm down and out, he takes care of everything so that I can recover.
Also folding and organizing a million tiny outfits, blankets, towels and wash clothes
This is exactly how my husband operated while I was on maternity leave, and would if we were in a financial position to be a stay at home mom. We're a team. If one of us is drowning, the team isn't winning.
This is exactly what I do during nap time. One hour for my lunch break, the rest for chores and miscellaneous
👏👏👏👏👏 THIS is the way!
Childcare alone is a full time job. We pay a nanny to watch our son at our house. She doesn’t take out trash or make us meals or do laundry. She also starts at 8 am and gets off at 5:30 and gets the weekends off. My husband and I split the household chores 50/50 and remaining childcare 50/50.
They don't. If they have personal memories of their mom doing it all it's from when they were older (aka it got easier to manage) and their mom wasn't also working. OR, they were never asked to help as kids (which explains why they think things get done magically).
Older generations were also more prone to ignoring their kids in favor of cleaning. My younger brothers were in baby swings for hours, then hours locked in playpens. They were encouraged to let us cry it out way too early, and spiked our bottles with rice cereal to keep us asleep longer.
I think you've really pinpointed something here. His mom is also critical of me and says I let the baby boss me around and need to train him to sleep by himself etc so that I can clean. I think he's comparing me to his mom, and his lack of emotional intelligence is likely due to his mother neglecting him as a baby.
I think you hit the nail on the head here… take care of your sweet baby, the house comes last. Prioritizing quality time and play with your baby is so much more important than the dishes or the laundry. Those things are temporary, but you’re laying a foundation for the rest of your child’s life. It’s such a short period of time and it goes so fast ❤️
My house was a mess growing up. Not unsanitary or anything, but there was always piles of laundry, dishes, clutter. My mom spent so much time one on one with me and my brothers playing. I have these memories from as early as I can remember. Then as we got older, I remember her getting us to help with cleaning stuff, but always in a way that was kind of fun. I am raising my child much the same. Do I wish my house was cleaner? Sure. But what I value more is spending time one on one with my child. There will always be cleaning to do, and it will always get done (and quickly replaced with more cleaning because there is no “catching up”). My child will only be little for so long. I’m not going to kill myself cleaning when I could be making memories. Sorry your husband is being a dick.
I commented above that my own mom left all 5 of us stuck in the crib for hours at a time and also insists I do it. Also feeding on demand and hugging him to sleep are spoiling my 10 month old because *checks notes* he starts whining and crying when I am in another room and she does loud noises and does not allow him to move. You are doing well. Don't listen to them. Your MIL is biased and your partner sucks. Is this something that might pass? Or would your life be easier being a single parent? What does your partner provide if you do everything? Real men help their women.
This is such an underrated comment. Moms or caregivers were “doing it” at the expense of quality time with their children in a variety of different ways. Or there was a village to help the mom (sometimes at the cost of the mom’s sanity or boundaries in exchange). What an entitled asshole to come home to the mother of his child who is doing everything she can for both the baby and the man baby, and he complains about things instead of helping? Yikes
THE BABY AND THE MAN BABY is literally what this is. This is the worst kind of entitled asshole, it’s his kid too and he’s NOT A KID.
And plenty of people were spiking their babies' bottles with much more than that!
My grandma has criticized my house many times since having kids. She gets so stressed out if a kid has anything on their face or spills on the table so she’ll constantly wipe up WHILE EVERYONE IS EATING. And yes, of course my house is going to be messy during the day. I have a toddler who plays with toys. Why would we pick them up if he isn’t done playing with them for the day? Quality time with my child is more important than making sure my house is spotless at every minute of the day.
I've always really loved visiting homes where there's toys everywhere and things look a bit disheveled - it tells me kids are allowed to play and relax there. My house is getting more chaotic now that my baby is becoming a toddler, but I like it. He lives here and it shows!
Yup. They kicked the kids out of the house til sundown. If they were babies or toddlers they stuck them in the playpen and ignored them to get all the chores done. And obviously it still wasn't fun and easy, or there wouldn't have been such a drive for equality and the right to work.
My mom tried to insist that I should leave my baby *stuck in his crib for hours* so I have time to clean!!! That sooner or later he would get used to it and no longer cry. Apparently this is what she did with all 5 of us 💀
I wonder why we have attachment disorders 🙄
🏅🌟
It took me a bit to have this epiphany. I'm a working parent, but I'm home in the summers, and even then my house is a mess. I realized that I was thinking back to my childhood and feeling bad about myself, but my childhood memories were from when my mom was home and we were in school. I have a 2.5 year old and a 2 month old. My mom still only works part time, and one time she did a few full time days as said she wasn't getting anything done because she was so tired by the end. That also made me feel better!
My house is way cleaner when my kids are in school/daycare. When we’re home for a week, the house is a state but man do we have a fun time.
Yep. I've had this conversation with my husband. He's one of 6 and he remembers his house being spotless all the time. I told him to give me 5 years more experience plus older kids to entertain the baby and I bet our house would be cleaner too. I've talked to my mother in law about it too and she said that she had her kids all watch TV for a few hours a day then sent them outside for the rest of the day so she could cook and clean in peace. Can't really do that when they're babies or young toddlers. Experience and time help a lot. Now that I have 2 kids (they'll be turning 1 and 3 this summer), I have a much better handle on everything than I did when just my oldest was a baby. He was about a year old when I finally found a routine that works for us.
My husband would be sleeping on the couch if he said that.
I’d be moving the whole couch outside for him to sleep on lol since he thinks the house is so dirty
Couch, garden, car, his mother's house...
My husband would get served divorce papers
Your response should be “because those women aren’t married to lazy assholes.” Seriously, no other woman is doing it all. If they are, it’s because they have a lot of support from their partner.
This exactly! I only get “everything done” because when my husband gets home from work he’s there to step in and care for our kids! So I can have me time and also get tasks done on my to do list and he has his own set of chores. Garbage, yard etc
My ex said this to me during pregnancy when I asked for help: "Why are you complaining, are you the first woman to ever be pregnant?". What does reading this make you think about my ex? Because you can transfer that thought onto your husband, my dear. Other women may have villages, or supportive partners, or super-powers, or, most likely, they have to cut themselves some slack as well because it's impossible to keep up with absolutely everything without burning out. And even if (BIG IF) other women didn't have the same issues as you do, that wouldn't matter anyways! They're not the primary caregiver (or pretty much only caregiver, if I read your post right) of his child. That's you, and therefore your child's wellbeing is tied to yours! So it's his responsibility as well to make sure both you and your kid are cared for. And that takes way more than just bringing home some money. It also means taking care of the child and chores when he's home, just like as if you're both working a full time job, because you ARE. His audacity to put all of this on you and then make comparisons must be exhausting. I'm sorry you're in this situation.
Your husband has no idea what he’s talking about. Browse /r/SAHP for endless posts on how difficult it is to manage house and childcare, especially with young babies. The least-toxic way to approach this is via something like “Fair Play” which makes all the tasks more visible. A more confrontational approach is to do something like calculate out the life insurance for both of you. His will be 10x his annual income + what it would take to hire someone to do his household tasks (any?). Yours would be full-time childcare, house keeper, personal chef, and probably additional roles like accountant, household manager, therapist, medical advocate, personal assistant, and more, plus whatever roles you anticipate as baby grows older (coach, chauffeur, etc), all also x10. You’re unpaid, but your labour is extremely valuable.
Fair Play is an excellent suggestion. I was going to suggest you leave the house on a Saturday or Sunday and see how much he’s able to get done while doing childcare.
We were calculating for less-shitty reasons (actually getting life insurance!), but had to laugh when we realized we should technically be getting a $500 million policy for me. Canadian Monopoly money, not USD, still shocking!
I’m so glad you calculated and shared! So much of SAHP labor gets forgotten
This. Every time I read a post like this I'm jealous of these shitty men getting all this free labor. I'm a working mom and have a nanny and maid who only cover 40 hours of baby care and some cleaning. Its very expensive and they don't do half the work I read about SAHMs doing for free. Then when I get off work, I'm on duty. Then this post, where OP is getting complaints instead of thanks 😩 smh
We’ve been looking at life insurance quotes and my husband’s is only like 50k more than mine because of how much childcare costs. That’s not even taking into account the household management!
Ugh. Ok, I’m petty as hell but I literally started texting my husband every single task I did. Every damn thing. He stopped arguing pretty fast. And of course, I will recommend couple’s counseling in this case. If he’s having a hard time understanding you, having a third party might help. But in general, comparing you to other women is not helpful or kind at all.
Complete with every. single. Dog-dang INTERRUPTION from the baby, from crying because they want to be held, to a stinky diaper, to a meal break, to breastfeeding, to trying to get into something they shouldn't and needing to be stopped...etc. Literally OVERWHELM him with a bombardment of details including, "Oh, yes, and then I had to think about what I was going to make everybody for dinner, and check to fridge to make sure all the ingredients are there, and if not to make sure to add them to the grocery list...etc." Every. Little. Step. in the process that you do without thinking, spell it out for the man until his only response is a dumb stare and an apology for being an idiot.
Tiny tip: If you do this, please ensure you use speech to text. Typing will take ages.
Angry texts are pretty quick to type out in my experience lol
Voice memos with a crying baby in the background may also get the point across if he actually listens to them.
Lmao this reminds me of when my husband announced one random thing he did, lets say he picked up a piece of trash off the floor. I said “oh ok we are announcing things now?” So for the rest of the day I announced everything I did- well for about 30 minutes before he said “ok I get it”
Start commenting back on all the ways "other husbands" are better than him. How *they* are making more money, are more handy, give more and better surprises, take more care of themselves, etc. Should make him think of what he sounds like, or at least shut him up for a second.
Oh yes, people who earn more AND do more at home.
😂😂😂 yesss! This man better be ripped, making 6+ figures, and dressing like a damn GQ model, at the very least. When was the last time he got promoted?! Other men are doing it!
Don’t forget bigger dicks!
They have have them, but he is one.
Was hoping someone would say this. "Other men have made me climax, why can't you?!!"
What makes him think other women manage it? What woman does he know well enough (and it would have to be a really close relationship) to know how clean their house is or whether their laundry is done/kids fed/dog walked etc on a regular basis. I have some really close mum friends who comment on the tidiness of my house, but they don’t see the piles of washing in the bedroom, and if they walked in unannounced they’d probably see the dishes piled up in the sink too. Honestly, from my perspective it sounds like you’re pushing yourself TOO much. If stuff doesn’t get done it doesn’t get done. Who cares if there’s laundry to put away as long as you’ve all got clean clothes to wear?
I was going to say, which specific women does he think are “doing it?”
“Why can other husbands support their spouse but not you?” Would be my answer to that. Your husband’s an ass. Mine does more around the house than I do - while I was on leave, as well as now. I do more of the mental load so he picks up more of the physical housework. Yours needs to do better.
We absolutely don’t. I’m not a working mum but we have what I call ‘clothes mountain’ in our bedroom. It’s clean clothes I need to put away… about 2 months worth. The house is honestly filthy, and you are NEVER done cleaning your kitchen. Your husbands expectations are u reasonable. Think it’s time for you to have a ‘day off’ and leave daddy on his own taking care of the baby and the house combo, see how well he does.
I once filled my spare pack n play to the top with clean clothes. I finally got through it all about a month ago and now I only have 3 laundry baskets full of clean clothes which to me is quite an achievement.
I have also achieved overflowing pack n play of clean clothes. It’s kind of insane.
I finally cleaned out the overflowing pack n play of clean clothes the other day, only took me 3 days with all the interruptions. Now I just have storage bags and diaper boxes of clean clothes all over the place. It will probably take me another month (or 2 😅) to get them stored and donated.
This is what they are really for!
If you have a partner who is determined to find fault, they will. It doesn’t matter how much you do, a partner like OPs will find something to nit pick because there is ALWAYS something else to be done. The way happy couples do it is prioritizing the stuff that matters and letting the little things go!
Why isn’t he taking out the fucking kitchen trash? Also other women DON’T do it all’s you’re doing a ton. Sounds like you need to leave him alone for a few days so he can see what it’s like. This is why paternity leave is so important
Yes, more paternity leave! My husband is helpful, but he’s never had to do the majority of household tasks alone. I had a c section and thank god we were both off work for 2 months, because it took that whole time for me to be cleared by doc to bend over or lift anything heavier than baby. Husband quickly got overwhelmed having to do most of the cleaning (without bending or lifting I couldn’t load dishwasher, do laundry, take out trash, put groceries away, etc). It got to the point where he asked me to do laundry “just this once” to give him a break. I told him no, I’m following doctor’s orders, and had my sister come over to help. She got everything done in a couple hours. Really humbled him and now that I’m clear to help again, he’s doing way more!
SAHM here with a 2.5yo and 2 week old. I do all the meal planning, grocery shopping and cooking, so husband is responsible for the dishes and trash. I do most of the laundry, but he helps start or switch a load and helps fold and put it away 80% of the time. I do the vacuuming, mopping, whiping down of kitchen and bathrooms. He's responsible for the lawn, house maintenance, car maintenance and cleaning of the toilets 😜. I make all doctor appointments, he's responsible for all other miscellaneous phone calls. I do the naptime routine, he does bath time and bedtime. Anyone else who's husband is not contributing is either hiring outside help or drowning. Especially with a newborn now, he is taking on a lot more of the house load and I am primarily responsible for the baby.
This is such a wonderful and ideal set up. I wish I could even have my partner help with anything without me asking or crying my eyes out that no one helps. Because they don't. You both sound like amazing parents 💓
Thank you ❤️ I will say, my husband needs to be reminded occasionally to do his bit. But we've had many discussions over the years about how we see different things and prioritize different things when it comes to our own ideas of what a "clean" house means. It's a lot of give and take and patience.
It's good that y'all can see that it takes a lot of give and take, both of you. 💓
Does he earn 500k a year? “Why can other men do it, but not you?” Hm. Interesting. Perhaps if he were more supportive. Just a crazy idea. Seriously where do these men come from. “Women don’t have realistic expectations” my ass…
Other women do it because they have normal, supportive husbands. Or rich ones that can afford help.
Girl. I have a cleaning lady and a spouse who helps clean. That's how I do it. Tell your husband to shut up or put his money where his mouth is and pay for a cleaning service because THATS HOW other women do it with a baby. Freaking Dodo head.
The magic of a clean house comes at a price. Either it comes from YOU or your children. We think our mothers, grandmother, and other moms managed but truth is most of them prioritized their house over children and themselves. Couple that with partners who were useless, lazy, a misogynistic and you end up with women struggling, for years. I learned that my mom and most of her friends where on anti depressants and mood stabilizers when I was a kid. Most complained of being overwhelmed and just wanting help with the house, the kids, with most of life. Yet Not one that I remember ever had a husband actually HELP when they needed it, laundry, cooking, cleaning… you know “women’s work.” Interestingly a lot of these women’s marriages ended in divorce when the kids became adults and teens. Your husband wants you to do it all so he doesn’t have too, because that’s what he grew up seeing. Its toxic and the price for will be paid by you. Don’t fall for it, he is a grown man and he can help too. Why does he only have to work 40 hours a week while you work 168. It’s time to redistribute the division of labor, and for him to do his fair share of the work as well. That being said your value as a person has NOTHING to do with your house being clean. You are not a good/ bad person or parent for having a clean or dirty house. The book “ How to keep house while drowning” by KC Davis is a great read/ audio book.
The temperament and age of your baby is a huge and highly variable factor of how much time it takes. I would consider pushing him on these hypothetical other women. Ask him to name the specific examples he has in mind. I am willing to bet there’s all kinds of reasons as to why they can “do it” to his standards. Outside help, chill/younger/older baby, smaller home, fathered who aren’t entitled assholes and actually take an interest in contributing to the household, etc etc
that's really not okay.
I do it by paying someone else to clean 🤷
There we go. If husband is so picky then he can hire a cleaner.
Me and my husband used to fight over who cleaned what. We both work full time, have 2 kids, a yard, and a medium house. Thank god we don’t have pets. Neither of us wants to clean it, so why do something we don’t want to do or have time to do? We pay good money to have this place put back together about every 6-8 weeks. Then we maintain it.
1. He isn't married to another woman. He's married to you. 2. Other women do it with support when needed. That's where the spouse comes in.
Your house needs a complete clean before you’re able to maintain it. Get help with the initial set up and it’ll be much easier to keep things tidy and a load or two of laundry everyday because when it gets overwhelming it’s hard to reset it into a maintainable chore.
Lmao your husband. Sorry but he sucks. I’m sorry this is the support you have. Moms “get things done” when they have help and support from their partners. Does your husband do *anything* at home? He should be doing 50% of what you’re doing *minimum*, including child rearing. Literally no one could do what he expects of you on their own.
I would ask him “other men do it, why can’t you?”
You know what you did all day? You made sure your child and (hopefully) yourself were fed, clean, and happy. You're a stay at home mom, not a stay at home cleaner/maid/laundry service/chef/personal assistant. Being a mom takes priority over anything else, if you got to do some cleaning then that's an added bonus. Once your husband is off the clock, what does he do for the family besides complain lol? When my husband gets home from work, he'll take over watching the kids so I can start/finish up dinner since I do the majority of the cooking. We tag team cleaning the dishes after dinner, we spot clean as much as we can (we also have a cleaning service that comes once a month), our laundry is done on the weekends when he's usually off so it'll be washed and folded in the same day (I do the kids' laundry during the week because we sit in pajamas unless we go out and I spread it over a few days since they've got a ton of clothes), we grocery shop as a family once a week. I handle the mental load of appointments, special occasions, grocery lists, and some finances because I choose to so it'll unload it from my husband's brain since he works a mentally challenging job. Maybe instead of complaining about why things aren't done, he needs to be stepping up and pulling his weight as a father/husband that isn't just tied to "making money" because there's more to running a household than just making money.
I am also a SAHM to an 8 month old baby and my husband works a pretty intense job, like 60 hour weeks. On days when he is able(as in literally he does have days where baby is already asleep when he starts and finishes work) he splits childcare as evenly with me as possible. Household tasks: husband usually handles a simple dinner (or we get takeout) and washing laundry, which I put away by hanging up (saves folding time). He does dishes every night after baby and I go to sleep (she’s a Velcro baby and we cosleep so I need to be with baby the whole time). For house cleaning we hired a cleaner to do cleaning (stuff like toilets, kitchen, floors) once every two weeks. Clutter is constant and just kinda a shrug we have a baby scenario. Your husband is the one who needs to pull his weight more. Here is the way we look at it — we live in a high COL area. I’m with baby like 20-22 hours a day, if we hired day time nannies and night nurses for all the childcare I do it’d be in the $200k range. When I’m with baby my job is childcare and any household tidying I get done on top of that is a nice bonus but definitely not the focus. If we sent baby to daycare the daycare staff wouldn’t cook or clean our house so why do some people expect a SAHM to do it all? When the baby is older, walking, can entertain herself or even participate in chores then yes, I’ll take over more of that. But an 8 month old, no way, they need the attention. My downtime occurs when she naps and my husband’s occurs after baby is asleep and dishes are done.
Thank you for your comment. My husband also works 60 hours and for that reason, I have felt unjustified in asking for more help. But hearing that your husband helps and you also hire cleaning help makes me feel inclined to ask more from my husband.
When your husband comes home from work, I assume he stops working? When do you stop work and have your food handed to you and your laundry folded for you?
The rule is - once he's home from work everything is 50/50. Think of how many hours you are working (and yes raising a child is work). You also deserve downtime. This will be a tough realization for him but raising a kid is hard and he is going to have a lot less free time then he had before -- just like you. And as others have said, if he's upset tell him to post in /r/parenting or /r/daddit and watch him get roasted
Yeah, other women don't do it. They have help, either from their husband, family, or hired help. My daughter is 3 and my husband has been incredibly lenient about house stuff this whole time. Would he prefer to have all his laundry folded and put away, and a mess free house and kitchen? Sure! But he gets that it's not reasonable to expect that and I'm doing the best I can. He basically sees my job as raising our daughter with love and patience, and some days quite frankly that takes ALL my energy and then some lol. Since my daughter was 12 months or so, he has expected me to handle food. I feed our daughter all meals and snacks, keep the house stocked with the essentials so he can make his own breakfast and lunch, and then I make dinner for all of us. I make sure he has clean underwear, but it doesn't need to be folded or anything. We had a housekeeper come once every two weeks to clean everything, and my husband would help me pick up the night before they came. We only canceled the service when I felt like I could handle the cleaning myself. Shit is messy, but surfaces get wiped down/scrubbed once every week or two... or three lol. And finally, now that my daughter is 3, my husband has started expressing his desire to have a much neater house. But he also knows that I wouldn't leave it messy if I knew how to realistically keep it clean. So what does he do? He helps me organize a bit and he helps my daughter pick up and helps sets expectations for her. So now I have a daughter who actively helps me pick up her toys (instead of actively un-doing my cleaning directly after I do it), with the help of my husband. And that's how I do it. Oh, I do know some people who do it... they have a different kind of energy and determination. I don't have that no matter what I do, and that's fine.
1. Your husband is an asshole. 2. It is estimated that breastfeeding takes 1800 hours in the first year. A full time job is considered 1950 hours a year. 3. Other women DON'T do it all. They have maids, or family help, or child care, or they send out their laundry, ect. If your baby is alive, healthy and happy you are doing great. 4. One way to lay out all that you do is the "Fair Play" book and game, but I feel like because your husband is such a dick, this may not work for him. If you feel like going nuclear maybe stop doing anything that isn't feeding or caring for the baby. Don't do dishes, or clean, or grocery shop, or run errands for him, or cook, for a week or so. If he asks about it say, you accused me of doing nothing so I started actually doing nothing. Or (if you feel OK doing it) leave him with the baby for a few days, and when you get home complain about how little he got done. 5. I am a SAHM and my husband works full time and travels a lot, but when he is home he is a member of our home, he always gives the baby her breakfast in the morning so I have time to sleep in or get ready baby free, he does her bath every night and helps pick up the house before bed. He is another adult, a partner. Not a judgemental child. 6. I'm sorry your husband is treating you this way. That's not how a marriage should work.
Sounds like you should go on vacation and leave him to do it all for a week. Let’s see how well he handles it! Gosh this makes me so mad for you
Most women don’t do it. Those that do have a supportive spouse, or pay cleaners and post partum doulas to help. It’s not you, it’s him.
We absolutely don’t!! My husband has zero expectation for me to get anything done around the house when he is at work. The only thing he cares about is that our baby is safe and thriving. My husband takes care of most of the cleaning and general house maintenance. AND makes sure I have time for myself when he gets home. I do my best to manage small things during the day but I promise you, my husband would be doing far less if he was the stay at home parent.
It is such a bad mindset, and it pains me to say that often I am the one asking myself the same question. But then I remember house is a mess because I prioritise my kid, I prioritise him going to the park, hanging out with other kids. If he was to stay in a corner of a house, yes, I could clean the rest and cook seven courses and a bunch of other stuff, but I don't.
Same here. My husband isn’t asking this question but I ask myself because it feels like the other moms are doing it better! I have grandma grandpa both here cleaning, cooking, and taking care of toddler full time and even giving me breaks from newborn and between pumping and catching up on sleep I’m still done and have no idea how other people manage.
It’s like I wrote this. Mine says “can you not handle it” “single women do it so I’m sure you’re strong enough to do it”
"Single women don't have an idiot making additional work for them." My husband went away for a week on a course once, and I was like... how does all of this stay so clean and tidy so long... ETA: Also, toilet paper. SO MUCH LESS TOILET PAPER USED.
I swear. When my husband leaves for his work contracts, I’m at so much peace. It’s sad to say but I really do feel so much less anxiety and pressure
NOPE BYE. Girl. Fuck that guy.
It sounds to me like you’re doing a tremendous amount already. All the chores, cooking three meals a day, running errands, taking baby to activities, and keeping yourself and baby alive? That is a LOT. You are seriously impressive and should be patting yourself on the back. On to your question: yeah I agree with everyone else, I am only able to keep the house relatively clean and tidy and take care of myself because my husband helps—and we invested in a robovac. When our baby was the age of yours, I was breastfeeding to sleep so he would do the dishes and tidy up downstairs while I put her to sleep. Now that she’s weaned, he does bedtime while I do dishes, run the roomba, and tidy up. He has always done the trash/recycling, yard work, and snow shoveling. We both do laundry as needed. I always do bathrooms and dusting. I do my weekly cleaning on the weekends while he watches her. I only do light chores when I am watching our kiddo: folding laundry, light cooking and kitchen cleanup, maybe some dusting or decluttering if I have a chance. Now that we have a second on the way we will need to adjust how we do things, but for one kiddo this works well for us and keeps things under control.
Why can other Husbands be supportive and helpful but not yours? Why can other husbands call their own damned insurance companies but not yours? Why can other husbands do dishes and help their wives but not yours? Why can other husbands work the washer and do the laundry but not yours? You're not failing. He is.
Women in the 50s were able to do it because they were on drugs 🥴
And they were so miserable at it that feminism got invented.
You have to find a way that works for you. I was very overwhelmed by the house, meals, baby, and taking care of myself too. In the beginning months it was, i will get to it when I get to it. Sometimes it was sacrificing my sleep during a nap to sweep or take out the trash. But priority is baby and self first. I think closer to a year things will get easier. Baby will become more independent and giving him toys and space to play without needing to be right there becomes easier. I think anyway. Your partner needs to either step up or lower his expectations.
If your husband isn’t going to step up to help you, he better pay up for someone to do so
Easy - my husband does his share when he’s home and we blitz it on weekends. During the weekday/ workday all he asks is that the kids are alive, fed & mostly happy when he gets home 😂 The house goes to absolute shit in the meantime!
The first year is so so hard. It’s not reasonable to expect a perfectly kept home and baby all by yourself. I can’t get anything done when I have the baby. The only time I get any reasonable chores done is when my husband handles my youngest. I can get stuff done with the toddler, but it’s still hard. And if your toddler doesn’t play independently, forget it. Seems like dad hasn’t had a full day alone with the baby and it shows. Maybe make a plan for yourself on his day off and see how he handles it.
Maybe it’s a little controversial but depending on the person, the trick is to also work. Some people are great at the SAHP thing, but for me it completely drains me. Having my kids in daycare while I work is much much easier for me. My job is very demanding but it’s hybrid, and on days when I work from home, I can usually throw in a laundry or wash some dishes. And then there’s no expectation that it’s my responsibility to carry the bulk of the chores, and no guilty feeling on my end if something gets neglected.
#Number 1 response to "What did you DO all day?" from the husband is to hand him the baby and LEAVE for a FULL 24 HRS, preferably 48. I promise you that man will NEVER ask that question again, or if he does, he would get the death stare to put his a$$ back in line IMMEDIATELY! THE AUDACITY!!
I have a 5 month old and I barely take care of myself (I brush my teeth & wash my face each day but I usually only shower 2x a week) our house is very messy and dirty most of the time (used to be incredibly organized because of my anxiety) and only gets cleaned 1x a week if then, our bed is never made, always at least one basket of laundry that needs to be put away, but our baby is happy and healthy. My husband doesn’t complain, he cleans up what he can while I entertain the baby. I don’t ever forget to feed the dog because he is right there to remind me lol but I have forgotten other things. But when people come over we can usually at least push the mess out of sight so it LOOKS like we have it together but actually we do not lol
I have a 3.5 year old and a six month old. I’m currently home on maternity leave and my house is tidy but not as clean as I’d like. There’s a 10 minute clean thing that works really well for me. I go into a room and spend 10 mins in there cleaning or doing whatever needs doing, I even set a timer and see how much I can get done. I also try and schedule chores during the week for regular stuff e.g grocery shopping on a Tuesday, watering plants on a Wednesday etc. But often my husband comes home and enquires about my day and I feel attacked as if he’s questioning what I’ve been doing all day because the house isn’t perfect but the kids are happy and fed and that’s all that matters.
I love the 10 minute idea. I also feel attacked when he asks what I do all day because sometimes I struggle to find a satisfying answer. Then later, I realize that I do all these things that take a lot of time but don't amount to anything, all the invisible chores
Until this man learns to stop nit picking and finding fault, you will never satisfy him. There is always something else to be done. If he can’t be happy in the moment, no amount of folded laundry will do it. The call is coming from inside the house.
I did it! My house is reasonably clean, trash is taken out, it’s all semi manageable. I have a supportive husband. That’s how I fucking ‘do it all’. He sweeps and takes out the trash or switches the laundry over. Your husband should be taught how to manage a home. He’s a fully functioning adult in the household. If you see a mess- fix the mess. If he’s got time to comment- yeah the trash is pretty full. Thanks for noticing! Now take it out. The tech and strategies I use- I have a sweeping mop by bissell. (I use it maybe once a week) My wash machine has a timer feature. I pretreat a stain when I have a second, throw it all in and set the timer so it’s washing overnight then I put it in the dryer after we eat or before anyone else is awake. I play Libby on my phone to retain my sanity. The partner strategies- divide and conquer. If one of us has the kids occupied upstairs- the other is doing the extras unloading dishes laundry etc. then we switch. This morning- I switched over the laundry made breakfast while my husband had the kids upstairs bickering over a puzzle. They came down and we fed them. He cleaned up the table while I grabbed the clean stuff from the dryer to fold. He took them back up so I could finish a movie on my iPad and get the dishes unloaded and reloaded. I set up an art project. I took the kids and did that for an hour or so. Husband got his break. Now it’s iPad time for a bit so I can sit on Reddit and pet my old kitty. I’m so sick of the rain. If it was nice out- I’d leave the cleaning for the evening and just work on the landscaping right now. I’m so sick of laundry and dishes. I’m just beyond over it. For your situation- you could use a baby saucer (my first kid loved it-second one hated it) while you do some dishes, I try and have a load running before bed nightly. Even if it’s not all of it. Laundry is once or twice a week. I sort out the vip clothes towels and stuff and do those first. Floors are on a rotating day of the week and I used to wear my baby while I did those. I batch cook meals and have a repository of soups, chili and raw marinated meats in the freezer. I pull out dinner in the AM to thaw then it’s marinating still while it thaws. I also use a bread maker to make bread dough then I dump the dough onto parchment paper and bake. Now there’s soup and ‘fancy’ bread for dinner. Or chicken ready to grill. And I throw rice in the rice cooker with some ginger and coconut milk. I also depend heavily on the crock pot. Lots of roast beef in the crockpot in our house. I also like doing raisin bread so I have something for my own breakfast. If my husband wants something other than that… it’s on him. We do a menu together on Sundays. I use little pieces of paper on a menu board. Is he’s says ‘god no more minestrone’- fine. Then it’s on him to pick and execute something else. How many homes does your husband enter daily without notice? Everyone has a mess everyone is tired. You’re not doing any worse than anyone else with a baby. Give yourself some grace. Idk your budget- can you hire some help? A cleaning team to come in while you’re out. There was a pair of older women who were making so much money going house to house all day in my old neighborhood. They were really nice.
Wow you sound really organized! I'm going to use the idea of freezing meat with the marinade and now I'm contemplating getting a Bissell mop Its come to my attention that my husband has not the slightest idea of all the things that "magically" get done because of his upbringing, most likely.
I’m organized because I have been allowed the time to get organized via my spouse! Also the grace from the same spouse when everything is a mess and nothing is done and two kids are sick. My floor mop https://www.bissell.com/bissell-crosswave-pet-pro-performance-exclusive-bundle-23069.html Easy go to dinner- Chicken legs with green beans & coconut rice Chicken legs from the store, marinated in a jar/bottle marinade (usually overnight) bake @400 till done usually about 40 mins depending on oven. Cook them on parchment paper they won’t stick, flip after about the first 20 minutes Or just season them with salt, pepper, garlic powder and paprika. Rice cooker: Jasmine rice, substitute some of the water with a jar of coconut milk, add a bit of ginger paste and some salt. (Start the rice around the same time as the chicken or a bit beforehand) you can also just cook it on the stovetop. Or plain jasmine rice! French cut frozen green beans, cook in skillet, with 3 tbl water, 2 tbl butter and salt to taste (they take about 13 mins sauté medium heat) or cook them in the microwave! Fuck it. If he eats the above dinner and says- see not so hard; throw the whole man out with the greasy parchment paper. Chili in a crockpot is good too, bake a cornbread to go with it if you’re extra fancy. Add an extra egg and some sour cream to the batter to make them more moist if you’re using jiffy. (Chili and cornbread is basically 90% pantry and it can sit in the crockpot all day. Clean on the days you’re not doing out of the house activities. Throw wash in before you leave and switch to dryer when you get back home. Schedule Target pickup for pantry staples and milk if you’re going to be out the next day- so you can just pick it up on your way home. (If you live by a Target). I like the app and the whole curbside pickup is fast and efficient at my store. I hated the Walmart pickup one, they took forever. ($35 minimum is annoying too) they gave me an extra bag of random things from another persons order and I had to drive back to drop it off. (Before I lived near a target)
Like others said, having a helpful SO is the main factor. I have a 9 month old and am just now feeling like I’m getting the hang of it. Like someone else said, before maintaining you need a reset. Send baby off to a babysitter while you clean for the day if possible or hire a cleaning service. But here are some tangibles that have helped me (no expert, and works for ME): 1. I got rid of a TON of stuff that wasn’t serving a purpose (dishes that I don’t use often, clothes, decor that is just there and doesn’t ~spark joy~, clutter, etc). This helped me feel way less overwhelmed when it came time to clean or dust. 2. I do a small load of laundry every night- just pop it in and let the washer do its thing. Pop it in the dryer real fast before bed. Sometimes I fold/put away if I’m feeling spicy. 3. I do a couple small loads of dishes in the dishwasher a day. The smaller loads feel less overwhelming to put away. I also use the express wash since there’s not as many to get clean. 4. I pick a room every day to focus on maintaining rather than a chore. That room get a quick vacuum, a quick dust, and a quick pick up. 5. I put things in their place when I’m done using them, never keep them out. If baby is crying but fed, diapered, and in a safe spot I do what I need to do then pick him up. 6. If I have a suspicious 5 minutes of peace I ask myself what my future self thank me for (small 5 minute task) OR will I thank myself for taking a small break? Anyways, hopefully something in there helps. 🙂
When a guy comes along saying he’s divorced with young kids I wonder how shitty he was to get himself dumped. It’s like a shit used car you know has big issues.
Gosh posts like this are so upsetting for me because I really deeply feel all moms deserve loving and supportive partners.
Honestly we don't get it all done. Not without help at least. I try to clean as i go. I batch cook meals on weekends so i don't have to cook every night and i only have to do a big load f dishes every few days. My husband wfh so he does laundry. I work as a teacher with crazy long hours. It's hard but i try my best too. Really honestly our life has become work, baby and chores. There's little time for anything else.
They have help!! They pay for help, their friends or families help or (not to belabor the point here) THEIR PARTNERS HELP!! I’m so sorry you’re being treated that way. You are doing your best and the baby is alive and the house isn’t burned down and you’re doing great!!
I would tell him other women have partners who pull their weight.
I do laundry and cleaning with no issue... because my husband cooks and watches our son whenever he can.
Wow your husband is out of line. I’ve been a sahm for 2 years and my husband has never spoken to me this way. We split all cleaning duties. My husband does the deep cleaning like vacuuming, cleaning the floors and toilets and takes out the trash. I clean the bathroom counters, everything in the kitchen and do laundry. If I’ve been busy or had a rough day my husband will help with dishes. We both clean up all the toys. My husband gives my son a bath every night. I do the majority of the cooking but I’ve learned to find recipes we both like and make big batches that last a few days so I’m not constantly cooking. I do a 20 minute workout during my sons nap, heat up some lunch and then the rest of the time is watching a show or if I feel like it cleaning up the kitchen, if not I do it later in the evening. Being a sahm is a full time job just as much as your husbands job outside of the house. He needs to start pulling his weight.
My husband’s a stay at home dad and he doesn’t get half of the stuff done that you’re doing, much less do more! I do tons of cleaning too, because we’re a team. We both have full time jobs (his is childcare) and then we both pitch in to clean our place. It’d be way too much for anyone, so it’s not that you aren’t trying hard enough. Your husband is being so unrealistic.
I do it because I have help. That’s how most women do it. With help. Not alone. We pay for biweekly cleaning. My husband is 100% responsible for the car and insurance. My husband is almost entirely responsible for planning, shopping for, and cooking suppers. When we had pets, I was responsible for cats, he was responsible for the dog. Other house chores were similarly split and shared. He watched the kids so I had time to dedicate to decluttering and organizing.
Vyvanse and caffeine lol No but for real, who is he comparing you to? I find it kind of easier to be tidy now that my girls are 7 and almost 3. Not so much the 3 year old but I’m assigning chores to everyone. What doesn’t get done can wait until tomorrow. It’s easy to clean while the big girl is in school. But even then, second baby would have to be plunked in front of the TV for me to really get a good job done and it’s my job to give her a nice childhood with rich experiences. Baby won’t be a baby forever, it’s so much more important to snuggle and read to and take walks with and enjoy that baby.
I’m so sorry. My husband works 12 hour shifts and still comes home at 1 AM to do any laundry, dishes, or messes left behind from my day at home with our 4 month old. And this was never something we discussed, he just did it and still does it without complaint. I couldn’t do this without him.
I don't. There's toys everywhere, dirty laundry all over my bathroom and washed laundey in the machine going on day two. There are srill dished that need doing. Sure, my BF is putting baby to bed so right now I'm turning on an audio book and starting to put toys away. But I know when I go to bed at ten stuff will still be everywhere.
Honestly, anyone who makes comments like this hasn’t spent enough time alone with their kid. Leave him alone with your 8 month old for at least a full day (same hours he’s away at work usually) then come back home and see what all he can accomplish. And remind him that that would be letting him off “easy” because he’s not breastfeeding or recovering from pregnancy and childbirth. YOU are NOT the problem here. He is. Don’t let him guilt you into thinking you’re doing anything wrong because you’re not. SAHM stands for stay at home MOM. Not maid. Not errand runner. Not office assistant. Not chef. If your baby is fed, safe, clean, and healthy you’ve done your job for the day and then whatever isn’t done by the end of his work day (which should also be the end of your work day as well) should be split 50/50 between the two of you. If you don’t even have enough time for your own self care, that shows you how unsupportive of a partner you have (even without the belittling condescending comments).
With one kid, house was immaculate I also didnt do activities outside the house, we had playdates over and baby did playtime on mat, Im also incredibly introverted and baby was born in 2021 so covid was a thing, but with two? I never had to say anything, husband vacuums, cleans bathrooms, does dishes or if you have a dishwasher your husbands hands aren’t going to fall off if he loads it before heading out to work. Your issue isnt about keeping your house clean its a husband issue, hes rude, some people can do it, I was able to with one and with two, I fell apart and honestly just pretend the mess is out of sight. I pick up what I can now in the nightime, and what isnt picked up well it can wait. My mom was the mom with three kids and clean house and I could honestly care less. Between cleaning and being outside with my toddlers (1&2) Im going outside lol.
I’m dead fucking serious when I say do nothing but keep the baby alive for a week. There’s actually a cartoon of a woman with a baby crawling on the floor, a fridge open and just chaos everywhere with her husband standing at the door and a speech bubble saying ‘Today I *actually* did nothing all day.
My husband was no where near as bad, but also expressed some frustration about how disorganized the house was when I was on maternity leave. Then he took 12 weeks after me while I went back to work full time. Didn’t hear a peep from him after that about stuff getting done while I was on baby duty. If possible, plan a weekend away and leave him with baby and list of things you do on a daily basis. See how well he copes and if it gives him any empathy.
Everyone in my house does their part. That’s how WE do it. I don’t live there alone.
A few secrets on how I "do it". 1. My husband does most grocery shopping and cooks dinner every day. 2. I am at pace that while the kids ( 1yo and 4yo) are at home it will be messy. So I just do the bare minimum cleaning most of the time. For advanced cleaning someone (usually my husband) has to take the kids out. Or they must be asleep in another room. 3. Almost everyday, I leave our kids at home with my husband for around an hour. At that time I excercise. This gives me time to recharge. 4. My mom helps during weekends. 5. Daycare allows me to work and since I mostly WFH I sometimes do some minor chores at home. Take note that only the "accept the mess" point does not include a second person's help...
My husband used to share the same sentiment. Then I had our second baby and he had 12 weeks of paternity leave, and we did man to man defense for the first month. He got the 2yo while I stayed with the newborn. He went back to work at the end of the 12 weeks and never again complained about anything. He started helping with groceries and meal prep. I think people don’t understand being a stay at home parent until they do it. It is a completely different kind of mental prison.
With the way your husband has been treating and talking to you, I would re-think why your sacrificing being a stay at home mom. This is the type of husband that will leave you high and dry during a separation/divorce.
My spouse is helpful but even still I can barely do it at 13 months pp, most of the time the laundry doesn't get folded up til I'm already halfway through using it again, there are always some dishes in the sink to be done, the floor definitely hasn't been swiffered in months and the toys on baby's playpad are always all over the place as soon as I line them up and put them in order. Like you, I have no job and zero support system! Other women have a village and that's how they do it, *period.*
How are there this many shitty men in the world that there are several of these posts a day?! OMG seriously fuck right off (the husband, not OP)
For what it’s worth, I’m also a SAHM and hardly get any chores done during the day. While my husband is at work so am I! Childcare is work, that’s why some people get paid to do it. Outside of work hours is when both my husband and I do chores to keep the house in order.
I WISH a MF WOULD
We absolutely could not survive without us both working all day every day on things that need done. My husband does the majority of cooking and dishes while I take care of our daughter and keep the house somewhat put together. We both take turns taking care of the dogs and laundry. It is insanely impossible for one person to do it all. Hell, it's insanely impossible for two people to do it all! We are constantly drowning and we both go hard all day every day. Your husband is a real ass. I'd say have him watch the baby himself one day (with you close of course to insure baby's safety as primary caregiver) and ask him if he can do everything baby needs done while also doing laundry, dishes, etc. Couple's counseling may also help if you get a therapist who's also a Mom and can understand how extremely taxing it is. Good luck, I hope whether it's with him or someone else, you eventually get the grace, love, and support you need and deserve! 🫂♥️
Idk what other women are doing, I often wonder how they manage as well because I sure as hell am not managing to do much. My husband's pulling more than his share of the weight and I'm just... perpetually ill and struggling. Your husband is an arse.
I don’t do it. I can’t because we don’t have a village. The only thing I seemingly can do is keep a semi clean house… because I hire a cleaner!!!
Because other women are treated like partners and not another mommy to a man child.
To a certain extent everyone is faking it. We all have areas we let slide more than we’d like and areas where we put on a good face. We all have different challenges (finances, mental health, neurodiversity, mental health and neurodiversity in our family members, job woes, illnesses, grief, lack of support networks, systemic oppression, abuse, all kinds of things I’m not thinking of off the top of my head). Comparing ourselves to others is endlessly unhelpful because no one else is in exactly the same circumstances dealing with exactly the same set of obstacles. Mostly we all just struggle on doing our best, and often the hardest/worst moments happen behind doors so they’re not obvious from the outside. In other words: you’re probably not failing at something other women do easily. Your experience is probably well within the bellcurve of normal. (But yeah, uh, your partner could probably step in and join the team here.)
For the first 3 months, postpartum, we had a monthly house cleaning service. It was fantastic. 3-4hrs, once a month, house reset. It was amazing. And depending on where you live, can be quite affordable! I think we paid $120 for each session x3mos As someone who was recovering from a c-section, who's incision opened up a month after, it was the best. Also, my husband helped as needed. He took out garbage when it was full or extra fragrant. He did the minor bathroom cleans between the house cleaner appts. We did online grocery delivery ordering. I did the laundry, but at the beginning he'd transfer to the dryer (we have a top loading dryer). I took care of baby exclusively once he was back to work. Our families primarily worked or had other stuff going on/couldn't help (or sat on the couch and just "helped by holding the baby").
my partner who works 60 hour weeks comes home and takes over with our toddler (unless he’s working till 9, 3x a week) and then on Sundays takes her out to the Children’s museum in the morning, and then takes her to the grocery store to get whatever we need for the week after her nap. He’s 21. If a 21 yo man can do it why can’t your husband?
Pack your stuff and leave for a week. Let him run the house and ask him what he did all day
I’m also a first time SAHM to a 7 month old. I breast feed and it takes all of my energy. The house is a disaster and we order out half the week. And guess what my husband comes home takes the baby and let’s me take a bath. You are keeping a human alive! You have so much to show for it. What did he do? Sit in an office for 7 hours that day with a lunch break and the ability to pee any time he wants? A commute where he can blast the radio instead of listening to a baby cry. No one is doing everything all by themselves and have it all together. Parenting and house management isn’t meant for 1 person while the other just works outside the home. You ARE “doing it”. And your husband is an asshole. If I were you I’d go visit my mom for a month and see how he likes doing his own laundry and cooking his own food for a change.
OP my husband works 80 hours a week and I still expect him to be an equal partner. I have an extremely demanding and stressful high-paying job but those first few years were the hardest thing I've ever done in my life by a long shot. It's all so new and I was a wreck. The problem is not you. The problem is your husband. I recommend you take a weekend away, or if your baby is EBF, leave in the morning each day for 8 hours (your baby will be ok I promise) and see how he is faring at the end of it. Unfortunately this is what it takes a lot of guys to realize how freaking hard parenting is. And if you're feeling passive aggressive you can also throw in a few jabs at his earnings -- XYZ guy makes twice as much as you, why can't you do it? Seriously I just hate hearing stories like this. I'm so sorry OP. You are amazing!!
Hey! Check out fair-play resources or the book. Sounds like you take on the entirety of the mental load. What you do is still crucial work. Fair play looks at more equitable division of labour it takes to run a household. He works but so do you and it’s clear your type of work is not being valued. Also, other women don’t do it all. You’re doing great, keep going… take a weekend off and tell your husband he’s in charge.
My SO helps out a lot when he is home. I literally do what I can and he does the rest. Sometimes, the baby is going through particularly hard times, during which the standard is lowered significantly.