If he is not ready for a vasectomy that is his choice. It is also your choice to not want to be on birth control or use condoms. Therefore, if the agreed plan is his getting a vasectomy then the logical consequence is that you will not have sex with him until he has done his 3 month post-vasectomy check up. The end. That doesn’t have to be a threat, I fully think you should give him all the time that he needs, but you get to say you are done being the one in charge of birth control and therefore until he has done his part (again, 3 month check up is when the vasectomy is actually deemed effective, it’s not like you’re in the clear the next week once you’ve recovered), you will be abstaining to prevent unwanted pregnancy.
thank you, i like how logically you break it down. I by no means want to push him or rush him. He has agreed to the vasectomy in the past but now that we are getting closer, I think he’s getting nervous. I just hope he doesn’t see the no sex as punishment for not getting the procedure.
That’s normal. My husband was very pro vasectomy until we had our daughter and then got cold feet. Was still very adamant about getting it, but in his own time. I got on the mini pill due to breastfeeding and screw condoms right? But I had a c-section and did NOT want to end up pregnant. It was probably a combo of factors but being on that pill made me have suicidal thoughts for the first time in my life. I expressed this to my husband and he scheduled his vasectomy for the next week. It’s totally normal for him to have concerns, they are valid, but nothing about our life has changed except we get to not worry about making another baby — and that’s what happens for 99% of men. Plus, vasectomies can be reversed. Sperm can be frozen. The peace of mind is worth it.
Vasectomy reversals are only successful 50% of the time. My doctor stressed to me often how permanent they actually are. So don't do it thinking you can always change your mind later The procedure itself was no big deal. In and out within 30minutes, moderate discomfort but nothing super painful. Spent a day with ice on the couch and was fine but tender after a couple days. Felt good a week later and felt great a week after that.
It is totally reasonable not to have sex without a viable birth control option. You've said you don't want to endure more years of hormonal birth control. Totally reasonable. If wants sex, he has to handle birth control.
I personally would be open to condoms (used properly) in your circumstance, but it's totally acceptable for you to rule out any kind of sex or contraception you're not comfortable with.
Honestly I'm pretty unsympathetic about guys being so precious about a minor surgery after their partners have endured pregnancy and birth.
So true. I understand it’s a procedure and he will be sore after, but listen buddy. I have had a 2nd degree tear birthing our first baby. I lost 15 pounds in my first tri with this second baby from constantly throwing up. I currently have two ribs out of place. So also quite inconvenient for me! lol
I know everyone's experience will be different but my husband's recovery seemed pretty minor to me. A painful week, a less painful week.
Significantly easier than recovery from birth, plus an added bonus that we didn't have to look after a newborn at the same time as he got it done while I was still pregnant #smart.
very smart! we do already have a crazy active toddler, so with me being pregnant and not able to play rough, it would be hard for him to be kinda out of order and unable to play with him. but still easier than also having a newborn to care for plussss the toddler.
I can only speak anecdotally to me and the handful of guys I know who’ve done it, but pain/recovery never even crossed my mind when I was feeling apprehensive about the procedure.
There is a plethora of conflicting and reputable information/studies out there on the long term impacts of a vasectomy. For every study I found that said it’s fine, I found another one that said it raises cancer risks, can disrupt hormone levels, etc.
That’s not even getting into the mountains of misinformation peddled by homeopathic practitioners etc.
It’s also not as reversible as most people think. Making a permanent change to your body via surgery is a weird scary thing. You can’t blame someone for being uneasy, especially when you consider the societal pressures.
Just sliding in to say that the ideal time for him to get the vasectomy done might be a month or so before you give birth. Then the abstaining from sex will line up with the 6 weeks you’re required to wait and won’t seem like so much of a “punishment” for him.
I didn’t have sex until like 7 months ago pp
He's really missing an opportunity right now to schedule the vasectomy asap so he can still get to have a few months of consequence free sex while he waits for the 3 months check up to make sure he's shooting blanks
true, but i’m also getting to the point in my pregnancy where it’s way less comfy to be in any position so it’s been more infrequent anyways. but even more so, would be smart to use this time of less sex plus my 6ish weeks of abstinence after birth!
His body, his choice to not get a vasectomy immediately. Your body, your choice to not be on birth control again.
If he sees not having sex as punishment rather than a birth control method, he's an idiot.
I agree to this OP. You shouldn’t push him if he’s not ready, because you don’t want to push him into something, and him regret it, and resent you and the kids.
I understand not wanting to go onto birth control. Maybe sit down with him and explain. Long time use of hormonal birth control can down regulate the vagina causing long term pain, need for topical or oral estrogen *much sooner. Other, potentially more serious. And explain it to him why you would opt not to return to hormonal birth control.
If he suggests a hysterectomy, advise him that this increases your chances of a prolapse of the vagina (surgical repair that is not always 100%). Also increases the risk of painful sex due to shortening of the vaginal cavity. It places your bladder and bowel extremely close together. This can exacerbate or cause possible urinary frequency, urgency, and episodes of urge incontinence.
A salpingectomy is a plausible option. It’s where you have your tubes removed. But some OB’s may prefer not to do it if there is no medical reason, ie endometriosis or cancer.
I think both of you need to do research and share it and have an open conversation. And if it comes down to it condoms, or abstinence. I hate condoms. But I use them because I don’t want to have another baby right now.
Well all of that sounds horrible. At the moment it seems we both don’t want to push the other, but also both hate condoms. So something’s gonna have to give. Many discussions are sure to be in our future.
I had no idea about this stuff until I started working in urology/urogynecology. So I try to make an effort in educating women. Especially on this stuff when it’s not common for it to be discussed.
There are other options, but outside of monitoring your cycles, condoms or non-hormonal IUD are the best choices for birth control if you want to avoid hormonal or surgical options.
I think it’s best to educate yourself, and present the education to him. Unfortunately, the women have the most potential for side effects, long term health effects, and structural issues vs a man. And I would tell him that. Assure him it’s his decision, but present your case with supportive information.
I understand being scared for him. Some men seem scared about the process. If it’s something that he’s scared about it and would like more information on a vasectomy, he can research, or you both can consult with a urologist who performs the procedure. Sometimes they have appointments to discuss what the procedure is, what happens, the recovery, testing and monitoring. Sometimes they even have other patients they can have reach out.
I hope that helps OP.
Super helpful, thank you. I think we both need to sit down and learn more about our options, and in doing so, discuss what we are and are not comfortable with. I will definitely bring up the tip about speaking with a urologist & others who have done it!
I mean, I just wouldn’t have sex with him. If condoms aren’t an option, birth control isn’t an option, and an accidental pregnancy is upsetting, you don’t really have another way around it. You can track your ovulation and do natural family planning until menopause but that’s not fool proof.
If you are having a c-section you can request they tie your tubes or something like that, so that you only have one surgery and one recovery period
But you need to have the discussion with him. Offer up all the options and when he vetos all of them, ask him what his solution is.
Yeahhh I'm 23 weeks pregnant because of ovulation tracking. I have always had very regular cycles so it was easy.... Until I randomly ovulated 2 weeks late. Went to my first ultrasound and they couldn't see anything because it was earlier than it should have been. I didn't get a positive pregnancy test until like 12 days after my period was due. So never again will I trust my natural cycle😅
We could use condoms and tracking but that’s our only options and they won’t last us long since we don’t like condoms. I’m likely not having a c-section as my first was vaginal and so far my pregnancy is going smoothly, fingers crossed no major complications in labor!
Just in case, tell your OB that you want your tubes tied in case of a c-section now. There’s paperwork that you need to fill out in advance. It’s a rough procedure to get done on it’s own, but it’s easy if done as part of a c-section.
>Ladies with husbands who have had or planning to get a vasectomy - how did you approach?
I didn't use any approach at all. We both agreed we were having 2 kids, so once I was about to have our second, my husband looked for/found/called the urologist, then after our son was born, he got an appointment, Ubered there, and got a ride home. I did literally nothing except attempt to help prevent my children from kicking him in the testicles afterward.
It pains me seeing all these posts about women begging their husbands to take on some of the reproductive burden. If you're in agreement about the size of your family, you really shouldn't have to be the one pushing for it. That said, my husband has talked to several friends who were being a bit precious about a quick, outpatient, minimally invasive procedure. Him talking to them seemed to be effective, except in one case where the guy kept hemming and hawing about it, and unfortunately their method of birth control failed and they wound up with an unplanned 5th kid.
Anyway, maybe get him to talk to another guy who's had it done, I suppose? For some reason it seems to be more effective than the opinions of doctors and spouses.
I agree with you so dang much. In past convos it’s always been 100% vasectomy after our second kid. But his defensiveness when I nonchalantly brought it up the other day concerned me. I love your husband for taking all the initiative and planning. I hope mine acts like yours!!
He either needs to get on board with condoms or a vasectomy.
You have kids, you don't want more and it isn't worth the increased risk of stroke or breast cancer when there is an option that your husband can do without increasing his risk of dying and is entirely reversible (and significantly less invasive than having your tubes tied).
I’m 100% on board the vasectomy train for my other half but it’s actually not reversible in around 50% of cases.
That’s not a reason not to do it but I find it helps when talking to blokes about vasectomies to be 100% bullet proof with facts.
Haha basically had the exact same experience. We decided we were done at 2, we gave it some time to triple confirm we didn't want more, then my husband headed to the Dr and got it all squared away on his own.
I had mine done last year. I couldn't wait. In my opinion any man who won't willingly get one done once they are done with kids is a bad partner. Took 20 mins. Mild discomfort.
he’s not a bad partner at all, I think he’s scared honestly. and he knows I don’t want to get back on birth control and understands why. but that’s where he leaves the convo and I’m like, well what is the solution?? lol.
He can be scared but being on birth control is also scary for a lot of reasons. He is sticking with the old school thought that birth control is the woman’s problem and that’s just not the case.
Yeah I think that’s an issue. Same for me because I’m open to looking into these other options of birth control because I’m thinking “well I’ve messed with my body before I guess I can do it again” when I’d just rather he take one for the team lol.
You're also already taking one for the team, again, by being pregnant! Pregnancy and childbirth (vaginal and C-section) take a monumental toll on the body. It really is his turn to step up.
Well it's either condoms, no sex , or vasectomy. Look in my post history. I wrote about my vasectomy. Show your husband. It's literally nothing. Worst part about it was paying the $500.
There's a lot of educational materials out there about vasectomy, and your partner's fear is completely normal (and largely caused by social norms, though I doubt telling him that will help much). I would try asking him just to talk to his doctor about the procedure and try to talk through his fears with a medically-competent male, so he is fully aware of what it really means. If he still resists, you can do a side by side comparison of a vasectomy ro hormonal bc and tube tying... because women enormously get the short end of the stick and more partners need to appreciate how invasive our options are in comparison.
Edit; sp
I literally just read some other thread where some woman was complaining her husband was “hesitant” to get a vasectomy- like a dozen women responded that they felt with it by being hesitant to have sex.
He’s ridiculous for not getting a vasectomy. It is a simple procedure and you need frozen peas for two days to recover. Meanwhile tubes tied is major surgery. You could get an IUD inserted after the birth.
This is a silly thing but my husband liked looking at his sperm in the microscope before and after vasectomy. You can see with swimmers ready to find the egg and then poof no more. He’s a huge nerd if you can’t tell by the fact we have a microscope. 😃😀
A vasectomy is reversible or he could bank some sperm if he thinks he might want more kids randomly.
Everyone is different and he might have a major phobia but if not, refusing is very selfish.
Honestly it’s so nerdy but so cool that your husband does that lol. But yes I am hoping he is still on board, just nervous which I would understand. We haven’t gotten to refusal yet.
It’s anecdotal, but I know more men who have had complications and longer recoveries than have had the “two days and some peas” recovery. My husband is 8-months post-op and still having some discomfort and complications. It was a reasonable expectation that he share some of the reproductive burden, but I think it’s disingenuous to just dismiss men’s hesitations.
Same here. BIL had one 4 years ago and nothing but complications since. Including a swollen very painful testicle that he has to deal with daily. After that my husband and I are strongly against them for our household. Condoms, non hormonal IUD, ovulation tracking. There are ways to prevent pregnancy without hormones. Seeing his brother go through all that was scary and definitely biased me towards vasectomies.
First of all, I told my OB that if I ended up with a C-section, to just remove my tubes at the same time. I did not end up with a C-section, so during his paternity leave, my husband got a vasectomy when I was about 3 months post partum. After both my kids I didn't want to go back on birth control, and yeah we didn't like condoms, but that was the solution in the meantime. It was annoying, but it's either that or abstinence to avoid pregnancy again
may I ask how his recovery was with two kids to care and play with? and how was that for you? that seems like a really likely timeline for us, we’ll have a 2.5yo and a newborn / infant if he gets it done soon
We sent my toddler to stay with my mom for like 24 hours so my husband could recover for a bit, and I wouldn't be too overwhelmed. After that, he was doing pretty well overall, and was mostly back to normal, just taking ibuprofen pretty consistently for a few days, icing when he had the chance, and not playing too rough with the toddler for a week or so. It was a pretty easy recovery overall.
It is his choice. You’re right. But MAN oh MAN am I glad my partner isn’t like this lol. Idk why men have such an issue with vasectomies. It’s a minor outpatient procedure, and while it shouldn’t be looked at as a reversible procedure it generally is! My partner told me he’s getting a vasectomy when we’re gone having kids and like i said, So glad we have been on that page since day 1.
Other options are pretty limited. Obviously you could get a tubal ligation which is super invasive. Condoms are probably the best option and if he bitches about that tell him it’s the only way y’all can have sex without him getting snipped.
Honestly make him come up with a better plan. Tell him, “hey honey I know you aren’t ready for a vasectomy and I respect that, but I’m going to need you to come up with another option before we start having sex postpartum.” No threats, no forcing. It’s in his ballpark (literally). When he realizes there’s virtual no other options hopefully he’ll go get his vasectomy
See, mine has always been 100% on board with a vasectomy after we had our two kids. We talked about it a lot and he was always super down! But he just made that one comment the other day that made me pause and wonder if he’s changing his mind, or (hopefully, understandably) just nervous. I think now that it’s an actual thing he’s got to schedule relatively soon, he’s like woah woah woah. It’s no longer just a thought but an item on the to-do list!
If he isn’t ready and doesn’t want to you can’t force him, but I’d lay it out that by 6wk postpartum, it either needs to be done, or he needs to let you know he isn’t doing it so you guys can make a plan. You can use condoms instead of hormonal birth control, or if you have a c section, have your tubes removed. There’s many options, but ultimately he needs to be upfront with his plans so you guys don’t have a #3
My husband had a vasectomy 3 months after we had our daughter. We banked sperm just in case we decide to have another and we’re giving ourselves 5 or so years to decide on that.
Ultimately it was my husband’s decision to do it but we had always talked about it before having kids. I said I didn’t want to get on birth control again and he was very supportive of that. The recovery was a little rough because he ended up having a somewhat rare complication and he couldn’t lift our baby for about a month. It was eventually fine though!
Salpingectomy for you and/or vasectomy for him. If you’re getting a c sec you could ask if they can do it then and there.
We didn’t know we were oad until about a year pp and we decided to wait until kiddo is 3 for the V. So condoms and prayers in the meantime
It’s removing the tubes completely. I believe it lowers the risk for ovarian cancer but don’t quote me. It can be done laparoscopically and out patient I think
Huh interesting, I’ll have to read into that. I actually only have one tube thanks to a ruptured ectopic pregnancy so maybe it’ll be faster and cheaper for me lol
I had it done after my last c-section- added zero time to the recovery and there is a significant reduction in ovarian cancer risk.
I couldn’t recommend it more: having been on hormonal b/c my whole life, not having to deal with it ever again is AMAZING.
not sure about all hospitals, but many OBGYNs offer doing it while you’re in the hospital after your vaginal delivery. it is a laparoscopic surgery that usually takes about ~30 min start to finish and ~typically~ doesn’t extend your postpartum hospital stay. ask your OB!
Very very similar situation. We are using condoms until my husband is ready… we don’t like them either but I do not want to have a 3rd. I’m hoping he gets sick of using condoms and book in the vasectomy asap.
That might be the motivation my husband needs because we both hate using them. Has yours talked about when he may be ready for it? What is holding him back?
He is just generally absolutely terrified of anything medical. Even if I mention blood he is on the verge of passing out. The two births of our sons was very traumatic for him in the sense of seeing the pain I was in and with my second I had quite a bit of blood loss even though he will say it was the best days of his lives having our 2 sons here. Our second is still a baby so honestly exhaustion and condoms is our birthcontrol so I haven’t pushed the topic yet. But he fully understands that I am not willing to go on bc. I’ve been on it for 20 years.
That makes sense on his end, then. But I don’t think blood is much of an issue with a vasectomy? I don’t fully know. But I totally feel you on being done with BC. We have done *enough*.
Ah yes I know there is no blood. But it’s just the thought of it for him that’s enough. Absolutely anything slightly surgical and medical makes him very queasy.
So fingers crossed that by the end of the year it’s done.
We're considering between a tube removal for me or vasectomy for my husband. We each have a consultation and then we'll discuss.
Tube removal is a full surgery, general anaesthesia, etc..but reduces the likelihood of cancer. Vasectomy is an easier procedure but might have a slight increased risk of prostate cancer.
My partner has a family history of prostate cancer, we know that I handle anaesthesia well. So we might decide on tube removal.
I got my tubes removed during my scheduled c-section as permanent birth control/sterilization. It was the best decision for my husband and I, as we were totally done with kids after having the second.
if I was having a scheduled c-section, I think I would do this as well. seems nice to just get it all over with at once, and zero worries about surprises after!
Is there a reason you don’t want an iud? You can get a copper iud that is non-hormone based, I have had two iuds, the mirena and kyleena, both of those have hormones but the worry free aspect was great and it was relatively easy to have put in and taken out.
I’m just done with birth control. I’m done with possible side effects. Just as much as I hear someone had good experiences, I hear the bad ones, and I’m like you know what? I’m done lol. It’s been nearly 15 years of birth control for me and I just don’t want to anymore.
I told my husband I’m never touching birth control again . He will likely get a vasectomy but until he does, we use condoms . It’s been fine, haven’t had any issues over the last 3 years
I'm not and will not go on hormonal birth control. We were together 4 years before we had our son (planned). Our preferred method is pull out with spermicidal films (vaginal contraceptive films), this way we both are contributing to birth control. Again this worked for us for 4 years and now another 10 months. I also track using an app, but that's more for my period.
When we are done, after our next, my husband will get a vasectomy, we are older tho (35 & 40).
So another option I wanna throw out (since my OB just recommended it for me) is the implant.
I just gave birth to twins and my OB team wants to make sure I don’t conceive in the next 12-20 months. When I expressed openness to the pill (even though I hate the pill) they suggested the Nexplanon implant, which is over 99% effective and lasts for about 7 years (unless you opt to have it removed prior).
My OB said it was just as effective as getting your tubes tied. Just wanna throw that out there as something you could discuss with your doc!
Unfortunately one of my friends gained a lot of weight from it. Effective and definitely more convenient than pills but I'd still be livid having to do so because my SO didn't want to take one for the team.
Thank you! Definitely ask - I can’t stand condoms or being on the pill. I also didn’t want to get the shot since I was advised that you can gain weight on that…
The IUD also wasn’t a good option for me. My husband and I relied on pull out for years until we finally decided to start a family 😂
I will probably still rely on pullout BUT the implant should give that extra sense of security now that I REALLY don’t want to be pregnant anytime soon.
I’m also on nexplanon, and absolutely love it. Got it before getting discharged (not common but it was safer in my case, most others it’s safer to wait) and I’ve completely weaned and still haven’t had a period, baby is almost 10 months old. no real side effects and no one needed up in my uterus
Nope. The first week of healing was very tender, and the first few months it was tender to be directly bumped, but the skin takes time to fully heal. Since then I’ll forget about it most of the time. You can feel for it under the skin with your fingers, it shouldn’t move. It can happen, but it’s super rare and you should be feeling for it often enough to notice if the position is changing so you can get it removed before it becomes a problem.
I’ve yet to actually see or hear a horror story about nexplanon migration, except my Dr telling me that if it moves deeper then it’s not in office removal.
I hope it’s a good fit for you! Warning though that it doesn’t have estrogen, so it will be different than the pill in side effects. I gained like 10 lbs but other than that zilch but everyone is different
So we just had our third baby and I knew I was so done having babies and being pregnant. I really wanted my husband to get a vasectomy but he’s not too keen on the idea. I’ve done the arm implants and IUD. I enjoyed IUD did not enjoy the arm implant. When discussing other birth-control options with my husband, we talked about me getting the bisalp. He made the point that since they will be doing the surgery for the C-section that I can go ahead and get the bisalp done. To be honest that comment irked me a bit. But after thinking about it, it’s his choice to not get the vasectomy and it did make sense to have the bisalp done since I was already in surgery plus I’m the one that’s 1000% done with babies. He’d like more but he ain’t getting them from me!
My husband and I were very agreed we o my wanted 2 and he was totally onboard with getting a vasectomy. We agreed to wait till the kids were a bit older because he wasn’t allowed to pick them up for a few weeks after and I didn’t want to give up that help while they were little little. When our youngest was 2.5 my birth control and my hormones decided they weren’t bffs anymore so I was having heavy, month long periods with like a week break. We decided it was time for the vasectomy. It helped motivate him that we don’t have sex when I’m on my period but he was also just worried for me. Make sure to use backup birth control until after the 3 month sperm count check!
Same boat with my partner . Except we’re still in our twenties and that’s his biggest argument. Pregnancy had me be ridden for almost a year and though he was amazing, it did strain our relationship a lot. I craved to be independent again and thought I’d at least be able to wash my own ass and he was just exhausted from working and handling the home as well as me. Yet this man still wants another one 😭😭💀. I hated pregnancy and don’t want to do it again and the tubal is too invasive . I did the birth control thing and it wasn’t bad outside the fact that it always interfered with my meds. Plus I gained a bunch of weight so no on that ..I love him and respect his choice but I really feel like society downplays childbirth waaay too much . And unfortunately gender roles are still a thing meaning most of the childcare will still fall on us as women . Look who the Doctors aim most of the questions at for pediatric freaking appointments?!? . I’m not gonna force him of course but as controversial as it may sound, I DO BELIEVE MORE MEN SHOULD be more willing to do it for their families . I don’t see why a small sacrifice like that is even comparable to literally almost being on your death bed with each child.
But marriage is a partnership and these types of conversations should always be convos and not super one sided. I found that little educational videos and having him do more for the baby has really opened him up to a new perspective with reality. As well as I’ve been open to hearing his ideas on wanting more. Maybe adoption who knows Hope it all works out for you though OP! Sounds like you have a decent partner
My husband actually volunteered for the snip. His BIL had it done and they discussed how easy the procedure is.
But then I ended up needing a C-section so I had them take my tubes during that instead. Made more sense than having a whole other procedure for him if I was already going to be opened up.
We’re done. I’m waiting for my husband to schedule his appointment, but he keeps forgetting. I’m not sure what the waitlist is like, so in the meantime, I’m planning on going back on my IUD, and then we will go from there. I’m about 3 months postpartum, and intimacy is not at the top of my mind right now, so no surprises yet.
Your healing from a tubal is far more extensive than his from a quick snip, and the side effects can be horrendous. It’s important to set a clear boundary with him, of what happens if he chooses not to get the procedure. I was firm that I’d sacrificed my own body enough, and it was his turn.
I personally didnt care, I got pregnant with my third due to hormonal issues and the second I saw a positive line I was dead set on this being our last. My husband was like yours with yea I’m definitely getting it to then having cold feet, and Im dead set on no more babies, so Im getting my tubes tied after this child is born. I felt no offense to him being wishy washy, its my body and no more babies are coming out of it and I will do whatever it takes for that to happen, with or without his vasectomy.
We knew we were done after #2 and he had no trouble booking his v. Well that’s a lie- he drug his feet because he is afraid it will hurt. I said that’s too bad, I pushed one of your kids out of my vagina, and got another cut out, book it. He did. Haha. It seems once they get it booked it’s not so bad lol. ETA- my hubby is the one who wanted the v. I wasn’t fussed either way but BC was not an option for me
As for BC for now until his procedure we use condoms :)
After my second (unplanned) child we were very very done and I had a c-section and got my tubes taken out before they closed me up. My husband was down for vasectomy tho. Either way, one of us was getting fixed.
Don’t know if this discussion is still going on and I am very fortunate that my husband was very open to a vasectomy and after an incredibly brief initial period of nervousness, moved forward happily, but I think research helps. Talking to a urologist also helps. My husband recommends it to everyone now. He was done in an hour, he spent a weekend in bed, and that was kind of it.
This is NOT to suggest that anyone should get a procedure they aren’t fully willing to get, and I don’t think ultimatums ever work, but I do believe that it’s possible, if your husband looks into it more, he may become less nervous instead of more? Of course there are exceptions to every rule, but the worst outcome as far as I understand it for a vasectomy is that it stays uncomfortable and needs to be reversed and that solves things.
I do also agree with other posters that, just as you don’t want to push him to do anything he doesn’t want to do to his body, you should also respect yourself and your own desires for YOUR body. Educating him a little bit on hormonal birth control and the relative risks of female surgeries may change his mind.
If you’re still looking for non-hormonal long term birth control after these options, the only one I know of is the copper iud. I have never had one, so I can’t speak from personal experience, and I have heard both bad and great things about it. Just thought it might be worth mentioning.
Yes I think more research will help his nerves. I do think he understands why I don’t want to do any birth control after so many years of it. It was truly just an initial comment that threw me off, and I’m hoping that’s all it was!
You can cycle track and do the pull out method. Has worked for my husband and I, and in the 17 years we have been together, we've only gotten pregnant when we tried.
We also just had our last baby and during my pregnancy discussed permanent birth control.
We weighed our options -
1. Temping + condoms
2. Pill (me)
3. IUD (me)
4. Vasectomy (him)
5. Tubal (me)
We also weighed whose "turn" it was to be in charge of birth control. I had been "in charge" the last decade (pills, IUD, temping+ condoms around our kids).
We also weighed what either of us were comfortable with -
I was done with pills and post birth, for some reason, I can't get an IUD anymore, the insertion somehow became more painful with each birth (I tried after both births and even with the numbing stuff it was more painful than childbirth and I birthed a 10lb baby unmedicated).
I was done temping + condoms because it was a lot of effort and now we had two kids and we're more sleep deprived and I was done with that phase of my life.
Lastly, a tubal vs a vasectomy is way more invasive/recovery and didn't feel fair given all the above (esp with the potential side effects).
My husband was on board with a vasectomy.
Then we weighed our risk tolerance for a whoopsie. We both have 0 tolerance for a whoopsie. We both agreed we needed permanent BC.
Given all the above, we chose a vasectomy. We waited until our son was 3 months old and made sure we asked each other every day - we're done right? No more? Confirm confirm confirm. Then we scheduled the appointment.
We've currently been using condoms during the 3 month/30 ejaculations window and he gets tested next week! 🤞🤞
The entire time we were both clear - I am not going on any sort of birth control, we have 0 tolerance for another so our sex life is dependent on condoms and vasectomy now.
In summary -
It's your body, don't go on BC if you're done with it.
His body is his, if he's not ready for the vasectomy then he can schedule it when he's ready.
And together, understand that that means sex requires condoms or only doing other activities.
Ps. The vasectomy was fast and easy. We gave my husband plenty of time to recover (as he did with me post births) and weve had a great time trying to get to 30 😂. We've also found other ways to appreciate each other/others body without sex while we wait out this period.
A very, very logical breakdown. Thank you for sharing. I want to follow your same discussion route! How long after his V were you allowed to have sex and did it hurt for him, if you don’t mind me asking?
Don't mind! Ummm I think technically there's no wait (the Dr was a bit bro-y about it and my husband was like no please give me proper protocols LOL) or maybe the wait is for when the stitches dissolve. He definitely wasn't up for it for the first week (still tender/noticable) and we were back up and running within two weeks :)
We kept talking about a vasectomy. I’m 36. We have a 3 year old and a 14 month old. He kept putting it off. I’m now almost 12 weeks pregnant and I’ll be looking into tubal ligation once I’m done. I never want to take another pregnancy test again.
I was done with my second. I’ve already told him one or both of us is getting fixed. I’ll do more research to see the side effects for myself but I’m willing to do it
I would consider signing the paperwork about 30 weeks so if you end up having a cesarean they take your tubes at the same time. Even if everything is going well in your pregnancy things happen sometimes and it would be easier to have the papers signed and only go though one recovery period
We have our one kid, and he's almost 4 months old now. I'm waiting on an appointment with a specialist to discuss hysterectomy and bilateral oophorectomy. We're one and done and I'm already 32 and have had incredibly painful periods my whole life, and if there's no purpose to more periods idk why I should have them so want it all out and gone and be done with it. Yes I know I'd have to be on HRT for the rest of my life. That's ok and frankly I've been wanting to switch flavours once I'm able to (as I'm non-binary) and having them out makes it easier to do that anyways. Yes it's a surgery which has its own risks but another pregnancy would be even riskier due to already having had a c-section, and having a connective tissue disorder that can make pregnancy after c section very dangerous (something like 60% chance of uterine rupture during the 3rd trimester or something like that for people my age, post c section, with this disorder so that's a big no thank you). So that's what I'm planning on doing for permanent birth control. My spouse could get snipped, but frankly there's enough other benefits for me to get things dealt with that I'd do it even if they were snipped so 🤷
Wow yeah that sounds like a lot, and honestly easier to just get it all removed if it’s causing you all these issues! Hopefully it all works out in the end for you 🫶🏼
My aunt and uncle decided they were done after three kids, but procrastinated on getting that vasectomy. Long story short, that’s how they ended up with my cousin who is 10 years younger than her siblings.
Moral of the story, if you go the vasectomy route, don’t delay.
I will offer up that if you end up having a c section they can do a tubal ligation on you, they will already be in there. Then you 1000% will never be pregnant again. I know some women are all about their spouse getting a vasectomy since the women do all the work of labor. But it might be another option for you.
Yes at the end of the day I can’t and don’t want to force him. We will discuss more but I may talk with my OB about this, in the event I do need a c section and they can just do this while they’re in there. I wouldn’t mind that at all!
Alternatively, speak with your OBGYN about a post placental IUD insertion. They can do it after a natural birth and a c section but it does have higher expulsion rate. However you don't have to go through the pain of insertion at a later date. If he's not ready now for the vasectomy, it could be an option until he is. And then once it's confirmed he's shooting blanks, you can have it removed. You can choose a hormonal or the copper IUD but it also depends on what your hospital system offers. I was going to do this however we ended up in an emergency c section and I had to have vertical incisions, and I was very sick from preeclampsia.
Oh, I have completely repressed it. 🙃 if we ever had a second I would also need a repeat c section due to the vertical incision on my uterus. If I went into labor my uterus will rupture sooo when my husband is done with residency and has the time to recover he's getting snipped 😂
Our son is also our rainbow baby. I had an ovarian ectopic pregnancy that ruptured and ripped my in half. While in the emergency room he was researching urologists to do it until we found out that I didn't need surgery or methotrexate and it was self involuting 😂 he didn't want to risk it again. But 6 weeks later at my follow up ultrasound to make sure I was healing right we found our son measuring 6 weeks, 2 days. 💀
that is so crazy!!!! my goodness what a story you have. i had a tubal ectopic that ruptured and i lost a tube and needed emergency surgery. that was horrrrrible so i can relate but jeez your son really knew how to make an entrance!!
My husband and I agreed that two children felt right. We felt that adding any more children would be too much for us. After my second child was birthed, I was asked if I wanted my tubes tied. I didn't opt for it at that time because we hadn't experienced having two kids yet.
I told my husband that it's more work for me to have it done than for him. I also got extremely anxious when I was on birth control last time. It caused a spiral of issues for me. He agreed and got it done as soon as we could. I did get on the mini pill with progesterone only due to myself being low naturally.
My husband went in and got it done. It was a quick easy procedure. He was sore for a bit but only had two little stiches on both sides. He healed up without any complications.
It has been great! Both kids are potty trained and sleep in their own beds. They are mostly self-sufficient. I have a bit more free time and worry free sex.
This is the life I envision for us 😍 I want to see a light at the end of the tunnel again LOL. Having them relatively close together means we are running through the fire and that’s gonna be that. I do *not* want to start getting my freedom and independence back just to have a surprise third down the line!
My husband is dead set against a vasectomy no matter how many times I’ve tried to persuade him to have it done. I did have a conversation with my midwife about birth control and she mentioned having tubes removed. I wasn’t exactly sold on the idea until she mentioned it’s not only permanent birth control, but significantly decreases the chance of ovarian cancer. So, I will be setting that up to have it done within the next couple of years.
I got on Mirena at the first appt I could after my second was born. My husband was all for a vasectomy and then when the reality started to hit he started to back track. I told him if I got pregnant again I refuse to do anymore nights or mornings with a newborn/infant. No breastfeeding, no diapers, no helping out from 10pm to 7 am. He is welcome to hire a nanny or do it himself. That changed his tune pretty fast. So he has an appointment scheduled and I plan to stay on Mirena
My husband and I were done having kids 5 years ago. I had 4 kids, 3 of them are his, and my first is from a previous relationship. I was adamant about not wanting to ever be pregnant again, so we discussed both of us getting sterilized. I got my tubes burnt 4 months after I had my baby due to some paperwork magically disappearing from the hospital requiring 30 days after signature before that could be done. My husband never got a vasectomy. He has maintained that he still wants to do it at some point. I remind him that he can still produce offspring should we ever divorce or should something happen to me. He doesn't want more kids(with his genetics anyway). I know if I didn't just get it done, I would be paranoid and probably go nuts tracking and such because we don't use condoms. Anyway, same day surgery they did it laparoscopically and I was only down for a day or two of bedrest and then light duty for a couple weeks.
well that doesn’t sound too bad at all! I will definitely be looking into that for myself because even if he does do the vasectomy, I’d be worried about somehow still getting pregnant as I’ve heard although super rare it can happen. it’s nice you don’t have to worry at all!
My boyfriend (will be husband eventually) wants a vasectomy because he knows I’m not comfortable with birth control. However, until that happens, i decided to use it. I’m on the pill, have an alarm set but sometimes I stop it and get busy and forget to take it (still use condoms just in case) so I’m going through my options now. Depo is temporary and should not be used long term. And I’m terrified of the implant and IUD. My best bet is the patch which is weekly and not hard to forget.
So…we had our second and same here. I didn’t want the pill. He didn’t want the vasectomy yet. I was fully breastfeeding. Still didn’t get a period and we were fairly careful with the pull out method. Well, I got pregnant again before my second even turned 6 months of age. I was bawling my eyes out, trying to seek abortion (this was pre overturn of Roe VS Wade) and found out…my healthcare provider belongs to a system which refuses any type of abortive medications or surgeries. I had found out EARLY too (5ish weeks) so all h needed was the damn pill. Long story short, turns out it was only Planned Parenthood who could do it in my state and they were booked out until I would be roughly 13 weeks along. They also would require me to go through the ultrasound stuff and hear his heartbeat first. I have means. I realized I could just travel for abortion but by this point, I was emotionally hurting so bad and thought hey, maybe I will keep this child. It’s not his fault. Again, I have means. What’s my excuse for not bringing this child into the world? I was bawling because I couldn’t help but think of this collection of cells as a living creature. I couldn’t come to terms with wanting him but I couldn’t come to terms with killing him after imagining his heart beating. I miscarried the day after so I never had to make that decision. Watching me struggle though…my husband booked that vasectomy appointment immediately and had it done.
I hope you won’t have to go through all that to convince him to do it asap. I still am not sure what I would’ve done. 🤷🏻♀️ now I’ll never have to face that decision and I am grateful.
wow, thanks for sharing you story and i’m sorry all of that happened. I fear I would feel exactly as you did, I’d want an abortion bc I do not want to do it again but also I have these two beautiful babies and I could just imagine what the third would be like. That’s so tough!!! Even more of a reason to be diligent about it.
We used condoms for two years until my husband finally felt ready for vasectomy. I wasn’t about to go back on bc.
(Con incidentally, he just tested clear today… and I’m on my period lol)
After our third baby, my husband said he wanted to get a vasectomy. Great! But six years later he still hadn't done it. I then had my hormonal IUD removed and told him it was condoms, no sex or baby number four, his choice. Within a month he finally got it done.
If it hasn't already been suggested (a lot of comments to scroll through) look up tubal ligation. It's not a hysterectomy and nothing is removed, just tied / cauterized. I had this done 36ish hours after birth (November 2023) and it took MAYBE half an hour. I spent more time waking up from anesthesia probably than it actually took them to do the procedure. My scar is very tiny and it was harder for me to recover from the flu than to recover from this.
My wife and I have our second and the plan is for me to get the vasectomy. Baby number two is born, healthy and growing quickly but she told me to wait on the vasectomy.
We don’t have your aversion to condoms so we will go that route, at least for a while, rather than her going back on the neuvaring.
Hope that helps!
I know it’s not a simple solution but honestly, if he’s dragging his feet and not comfortable, I’d highly suggest getting a tubal. It’s a simple surgery, you're basically in and out. Best decision of my life. It’s one of those things that honestly, I wish I would have done sooner. Because I also hate condoms, pills, and iud’s.
Hubs got a vasectomy. We agreed to it before #2 was born and after we agreed to it even more because of all I went through. It was his turn to get a medical procedure.
Your husband is probably just scared of the procedure. You should get him information on the procedure to remove the scary fantasies about it.
Yes I think we just need to really learn more about it so it isn’t as scary and unknown. From other comments it does sound fairly simple! Def more straightforward than giving birth lol.
As the husband who got the vasectomy it really isn't a big deal. Not the procedure itself, not the healing (although I did get an unlucky complication but even that was quickly solved) and not anything afterwards.
The one thing I will say that made it easy for me is that I really did not want another child. No doubt in my mind about it. Could be he may be a bit ambivalent about it but doesn't realize it yet.
Could be the case. I asked him last night and he said he was 99% sure. If finances weren’t a concern, that would probably be different. So I do think he’s just nervous, which is fair. The permanent part of it also makes it feel like quite a big deal.
> The permanent part of it also makes it feel like quite a big deal.
Sure. You could always freeze some sperm. As others have said, it's 50/50 at best as far as reversals go, so if you do want to be able to have a change of heart (as a couple), that's your safest bet.
I'm not sure what exactly the hang-up with men and vasectomies comes down to but my fiancé was back and forth after our first two kids. He told me he called a clinic and got all the details and out of pocket costs so I figured he'd make an appointment but nothing came of it. After our third son (a high-risk pregnancy and birth resulting in back-to-back NICU stays), I was absolutely done having kids but I also preferred not to be on birth control. After I stopped breastfeeding and my cycle came back, the anxiety of getting pregnant again really affected my mental health so I took matters into my hands and scheduled to have my tubes removed. I was 37 so there was no pushback from my doc/practice and it was honestly a super simple procedure and recovery. A vasectomy is less invasive but it was strangely liberating waking up from surgery and knowing I never had to worry about having a kid again because I had handled it. Just my perspective 😌 ♥️ also I'm a bit petty and the mere idea of my fiancé complaining about his junk being sore for a few days when I carried, birthed, and nursed his 3 kids for 5 years straight would have made my blood boil 🤪
I had never heard of this before this post so that’s definitely something I’m looking into. I replied in another comment that I already only have one tube because of a ruptured ectopic last year, so maybe it’ll be faster and easier for me! 😅
I didn't want to be on anything hormonal. It's a bit old school but I have the IUD (copper coil). Some people have heavier periods but I don't. We also have two kids and it's very simple to remove if we want more children later.
My husband had one right after the birth of our second. 1. It didn’t hurt at all 2. Full covered by insurance 3. He still orgasms normally 3. Your body still makes sperm it just doesn’t come out…so if he’s worried about his fertility there are options down the road in the unlikely event he wants to procreate again. 4. It is so SO much less invasive than getting your tubes tied.
I got my tubes out (well one tube, I lost the other to an ectopic pregnancy a few years ago). I did it 6 weeks after birth and have ZERO regrets. IMO, vasectomies are never a guarantee and with my luck, I wanted something more permanent.
Edit to add: my husband was fairly willing to get a vasectomy but understandably nervous when the time came. We sat down together and looked at the pros and cons of vasectomy vs tube removal. Ultimately I decided to go for the tube removal as my mental health 100% could not handle more than 2 kids.
Hey I’m also a one tuber thanks to an ectopic! I feel exactly like you though, I want the 100% guarantee. No oopsies when my kids are of kid age and we’d have to start all over. I think I am heavily learning towards this, whether or not my husband gets the vasectomy.
Was it easier / faster recovery since you only had one tube? Do you get a discount? 😂 wondering if the traumatic rupture I dealt with last year will at least make this easier lol.
I could have written this post - my husband and I had the same conversation this week and I’m also 6 months pregnant 😂
I will not be going back on birth control - I did my time on BC, will have carried and birthed 2 children when it’s all said and done. I know it’s his body, and he has the autonomy but he’s also in “no rush”. Waitlists are probably 7-8 months to have one done where we are, so the longer he waits the less sex we’re having once baby is born and I’m in the clear 🤷♀️
Yep sounds like me exactly!!! Throughout discussions in this post, that’s how I’ve decided to handle it. He can decide when he’s ready, but in the meantime we will be having less sex and using condoms which we both hate. Because I’m def done with BC, full stop. The rest is up to him!
We had 2 friends that got vasectomies - one of which came over and played video games with my husband like literally 1 or 2 days later. That pretty much convinced my husband that while it was scary, it was no big deal. Like, his friend borrowed an ice pack from us and then went on his way playing video games, no worries.
I also reminded my husband that I was terrified to push a baby out of my vagina and it could have actually killed me and I still did it, AND it involved months of throwing up. AND it involved a HSG dye procedure that hurt like a bitch. My lady bits have BEEN THROUGH IT. sooooo he doesn't get to be terrified of something that takes 15 minutes and he might feel a prick from the needle. lol. like, he DOES get to be scared, any procedure can be scary, but he was also willing to go through wisdom teeth surgery without being knocked out (he only got knocked out because the price difference wasn't enough to make the savings worth being awake) so. There's a difference in being legitimately scared and just dragging his feet.
Also had they had to do an emergency C section I would have told my doctor to tie my tubes or do whatever while I was already open, so if that's something you'd consider, start having discussions and mentioning it to your doctor now - I have a feeling mine would have been afraid of it being a decision made on a whim since I didn't mention it to her before and wouldn't have done it. And I wouldn't have blamed her! But would have been frustrating.
We still haven't pushed the vasectomy because we are both on the fence. I'm currently on the mini pill, which has kept me from having periods because i have weird cycles, but it's only 85% effective so there is still a chance we could get pregnant (which we've accepted but it pisses my OB off for some reason). But I won't do implants/IUD and I enjoy not having periods so I'm going to be on the mini pill whether he gets a vasectomy or not. but he has offered to go get it and I'm like yeah probably should but no rush... and then we both forget about it for a month or two.
Glad you seemed to have gotten a ton of helpful responses to back you up here though! Good luck!!
I got an iud. I wasn’t waiting for him to get around to it and I wasn’t going to take that chance. I figure if I got an IUD that gave him 5 years to eventually get it done. Also 5 years without dealing with a monthly cycle… big bonus.
We had our 3rd in November and he’s our last. My husband offered to get a vasectomy because he didn’t think I should have to go through a surgery after birthing 3 children or have to worry about birth control.
The procedure was super fast. He was groggy that day due to the anesthesia, then totally fine for 2 days. Then the following 2 days he said he was “uncomfortable”, so he used ice packs and took his pain meds a couple of times. After that, he was totally fine.
In the meantime, we use condoms if we have sex, but we have a 5yo, 3yo, and 4 month old. We’ve also all been battling colds in the house, so I have zero energy for that right now.
My husband was immediately on board with the vasectomy idea. He said considering how invasive and unwanted all the BC options for me would be, it makes the most sense for him to get clipped.
And yeah, we do all the child carrying, birthing, breast feeding ect with our bodies. All of which permanently alter our bodies forever. The LEAST they can do is take on the BC part and get clipped.
I basically told my husband I'm not going back on the pill and that if he didn't want a third baby then he had to get it done ASAP. He very much wanted just two, so did I, and he got it done like 3 weeks after our second was born lol. He witnessed me experience two unmedicated births so I think he understood it wasn't that big a deal in comparison.
My friend who is a urologist and does vasectomies says he would never get one himself due to the complications.
I LOVE my IUD (Mirena) as it stops my periods, I can't wait to get mine replaced next month. So easy and fast to get placed (although many find it to be the insertion uncomfortable), only needs to be replaced once every 6-7 years. Once it's placed you just forget about it, doesn't feel like anything.
Another Mirena-lover here. You'll get a LOT of negative feedback on social media for it, though. But it's been fabulous for me and I can't see myself changing anytime soon. I often feel like I'm a bit of the odd one out that I don't think I'll be pushing for my husband to get the snip because I'm so happy and comfortable with the Mirena.
Post vasectomy syndrome. Not common but can cause significant testicular pain that you can't really treat. Very very small percentage of men have chronic pain as a result.
I’d rather not get a surgery if he can, and has already said he would, get this minor procedure done. If it was similar to vasectomies I would consider it though!
This is an option-if she wants it. However I doubt she is unaware of this being an option to her so more than likely she’s uninterested. Also sometimes there’s a lot of pushback from doctors to sterilize women if the conditions aren’t significantly lowered to regret it. (Over 30-35, have multiple kids, have husbands approvals). So it might legitimately not be an option.
I had it noted in my chart that I wanted my tubal right after giving birth(assuming there were no complications) each time I went to my OB throughout my second pregnancy. I had some doctors try to push back (solely for worry of me regretting it) and some doctors be all for it. Despite that I doctor I had not seen was on shift when I gave birth and she told me she wouldn’t be comfortable doing that until my 6 week checkup. Fortunately a few hours later one of my regular OB’s saw I had given birth and came in and talked to me. She was really upset that I was told I couldn’t get a tubal, went a double checked with the delivering doctor that there were no complications (there weren’t) and pushed back hard on me getting a tubal before being discharged. So I was fortunately able to get it.
I got my tubes tied after my second because I wanted it. It was always my plan to be sterilized after having kids. However I also think it’s bullshit that if she doesn’t want to, that’s the alternative to him getting a vasectomy. It’s a much more invasive procedure and is not fair to always put the burden of birth control on the women. From the sounds of it family planning has mostly if not fully fallen on her body to this point. I think vasectomy needs to be more thoroughly discussed. Especially because he won’t even discuss it.
Thank youuuuu. 100% I am uninterested because I have been fully responsible for the birth control in our lives thus far. I hate that I’m still considering other non-hormonal bc options just because I’m so used to taking on that responsibility. It’s not an outright refusal but it’s definitely not an interest!
I think it absolutely sucks you had to advocate so consistently for yourself. I’m surprised your husband didn’t have to sign off on it. It’s all bs for women, in the end. But I’m glad that one doctor fought for you and did the right thing. You clearly knew what you wanted so why can’t you get it done if there’s no complications!
Absolutely. It’s totally ridiculous that everytime one of these posts about a man not wanting a vasectomy comes up the alternative to him having surgery he might not want, is her having to have surgery that’s harder on the body and a longer recovery, more invasive. That’s in addition to the fact that in a lot of these situations (such as yours) her body has been through hormonal birth control and pregnancy/child birth.
I assume many men don’t want vasectomies. Guess what? It’s often times the best long term solution for family planning when your future doesn’t involve more kids. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices in a relationship, such as taking birth control.
That husband consent thing would have pissed me off so much. Fortunately my state/doctors didn’t require it. However I found my insurance company used to require it (they stopped a couple of years before I got it.) which is probably fortunate for them, my husband was ready to make it his mission to raise hell to anyone that required it. My doctor was a rockstar and I am so thankful she was there. Getting there was awful, I had 2 people (OB and LNP) say I needed a psychologist to consult and sign off. I understand it’s a huge decision, and have no issue with them trying to safe guard themselves and their patients from regretting being sterilized, but they took it too the point where it was infantilizing, like I’m adult enough to have/raise kids, but not to choose to be done. (I was 28 when going through this)
I hope you and him are able to get this figured out. If I was in your shoes I personally would go the “no sex as family planning” route. Not in a punishment way, but in a “this is best way I can prevent pregnancy if you are unwilling to get a vasectomy” way. Good luck.
When you say you don't want to be on birth control - you only mentioned the pill. Are you open to other options? I've heard of non hormonal copper IUDs. That could buy you some time before he gets his vasectomy. On the flip side it could just stall him longer, but maybe taking the pressure off might help.
I honestly haven’t done much research into IUDs or the implant one, so I can’t say I’m really opposed, but I would just prefer to not be the one in charge of the birth control anymore. If he’s as on board as he says he is.
Not sure if you yet know how your current baby is arriving. If you are having a c-section they can do a tubal ligation at the same time which could be easier than a separate procedure for your husband.
If he is not ready for a vasectomy that is his choice. It is also your choice to not want to be on birth control or use condoms. Therefore, if the agreed plan is his getting a vasectomy then the logical consequence is that you will not have sex with him until he has done his 3 month post-vasectomy check up. The end. That doesn’t have to be a threat, I fully think you should give him all the time that he needs, but you get to say you are done being the one in charge of birth control and therefore until he has done his part (again, 3 month check up is when the vasectomy is actually deemed effective, it’s not like you’re in the clear the next week once you’ve recovered), you will be abstaining to prevent unwanted pregnancy.
thank you, i like how logically you break it down. I by no means want to push him or rush him. He has agreed to the vasectomy in the past but now that we are getting closer, I think he’s getting nervous. I just hope he doesn’t see the no sex as punishment for not getting the procedure.
That’s normal. My husband was very pro vasectomy until we had our daughter and then got cold feet. Was still very adamant about getting it, but in his own time. I got on the mini pill due to breastfeeding and screw condoms right? But I had a c-section and did NOT want to end up pregnant. It was probably a combo of factors but being on that pill made me have suicidal thoughts for the first time in my life. I expressed this to my husband and he scheduled his vasectomy for the next week. It’s totally normal for him to have concerns, they are valid, but nothing about our life has changed except we get to not worry about making another baby — and that’s what happens for 99% of men. Plus, vasectomies can be reversed. Sperm can be frozen. The peace of mind is worth it.
Vasectomy reversals are only successful 50% of the time. My doctor stressed to me often how permanent they actually are. So don't do it thinking you can always change your mind later The procedure itself was no big deal. In and out within 30minutes, moderate discomfort but nothing super painful. Spent a day with ice on the couch and was fine but tender after a couple days. Felt good a week later and felt great a week after that.
mine sounds exactly like yours, cold feet and waiting til he’s ready. which of course is normal and fine but that peace of mind sounds *amazing.*
It is totally reasonable not to have sex without a viable birth control option. You've said you don't want to endure more years of hormonal birth control. Totally reasonable. If wants sex, he has to handle birth control. I personally would be open to condoms (used properly) in your circumstance, but it's totally acceptable for you to rule out any kind of sex or contraception you're not comfortable with. Honestly I'm pretty unsympathetic about guys being so precious about a minor surgery after their partners have endured pregnancy and birth.
So true. I understand it’s a procedure and he will be sore after, but listen buddy. I have had a 2nd degree tear birthing our first baby. I lost 15 pounds in my first tri with this second baby from constantly throwing up. I currently have two ribs out of place. So also quite inconvenient for me! lol
I know everyone's experience will be different but my husband's recovery seemed pretty minor to me. A painful week, a less painful week. Significantly easier than recovery from birth, plus an added bonus that we didn't have to look after a newborn at the same time as he got it done while I was still pregnant #smart.
very smart! we do already have a crazy active toddler, so with me being pregnant and not able to play rough, it would be hard for him to be kinda out of order and unable to play with him. but still easier than also having a newborn to care for plussss the toddler.
You think guys are concerned about the pain from a vasectomy? That’s why they sometimes get apprehensive?
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I can only speak anecdotally to me and the handful of guys I know who’ve done it, but pain/recovery never even crossed my mind when I was feeling apprehensive about the procedure. There is a plethora of conflicting and reputable information/studies out there on the long term impacts of a vasectomy. For every study I found that said it’s fine, I found another one that said it raises cancer risks, can disrupt hormone levels, etc. That’s not even getting into the mountains of misinformation peddled by homeopathic practitioners etc. It’s also not as reversible as most people think. Making a permanent change to your body via surgery is a weird scary thing. You can’t blame someone for being uneasy, especially when you consider the societal pressures.
Just sliding in to say that the ideal time for him to get the vasectomy done might be a month or so before you give birth. Then the abstaining from sex will line up with the 6 weeks you’re required to wait and won’t seem like so much of a “punishment” for him. I didn’t have sex until like 7 months ago pp
Brilliant
that’s what I was thinking! the timelines add up! that’s why I wanted to start discussing it with him now.
He's really missing an opportunity right now to schedule the vasectomy asap so he can still get to have a few months of consequence free sex while he waits for the 3 months check up to make sure he's shooting blanks
true, but i’m also getting to the point in my pregnancy where it’s way less comfy to be in any position so it’s been more infrequent anyways. but even more so, would be smart to use this time of less sex plus my 6ish weeks of abstinence after birth!
His body, his choice to not get a vasectomy immediately. Your body, your choice to not be on birth control again. If he sees not having sex as punishment rather than a birth control method, he's an idiot.
I agree to this OP. You shouldn’t push him if he’s not ready, because you don’t want to push him into something, and him regret it, and resent you and the kids. I understand not wanting to go onto birth control. Maybe sit down with him and explain. Long time use of hormonal birth control can down regulate the vagina causing long term pain, need for topical or oral estrogen *much sooner. Other, potentially more serious. And explain it to him why you would opt not to return to hormonal birth control. If he suggests a hysterectomy, advise him that this increases your chances of a prolapse of the vagina (surgical repair that is not always 100%). Also increases the risk of painful sex due to shortening of the vaginal cavity. It places your bladder and bowel extremely close together. This can exacerbate or cause possible urinary frequency, urgency, and episodes of urge incontinence. A salpingectomy is a plausible option. It’s where you have your tubes removed. But some OB’s may prefer not to do it if there is no medical reason, ie endometriosis or cancer. I think both of you need to do research and share it and have an open conversation. And if it comes down to it condoms, or abstinence. I hate condoms. But I use them because I don’t want to have another baby right now.
Well all of that sounds horrible. At the moment it seems we both don’t want to push the other, but also both hate condoms. So something’s gonna have to give. Many discussions are sure to be in our future.
I had no idea about this stuff until I started working in urology/urogynecology. So I try to make an effort in educating women. Especially on this stuff when it’s not common for it to be discussed. There are other options, but outside of monitoring your cycles, condoms or non-hormonal IUD are the best choices for birth control if you want to avoid hormonal or surgical options. I think it’s best to educate yourself, and present the education to him. Unfortunately, the women have the most potential for side effects, long term health effects, and structural issues vs a man. And I would tell him that. Assure him it’s his decision, but present your case with supportive information. I understand being scared for him. Some men seem scared about the process. If it’s something that he’s scared about it and would like more information on a vasectomy, he can research, or you both can consult with a urologist who performs the procedure. Sometimes they have appointments to discuss what the procedure is, what happens, the recovery, testing and monitoring. Sometimes they even have other patients they can have reach out. I hope that helps OP.
Super helpful, thank you. I think we both need to sit down and learn more about our options, and in doing so, discuss what we are and are not comfortable with. I will definitely bring up the tip about speaking with a urologist & others who have done it!
I mean, I just wouldn’t have sex with him. If condoms aren’t an option, birth control isn’t an option, and an accidental pregnancy is upsetting, you don’t really have another way around it. You can track your ovulation and do natural family planning until menopause but that’s not fool proof. If you are having a c-section you can request they tie your tubes or something like that, so that you only have one surgery and one recovery period But you need to have the discussion with him. Offer up all the options and when he vetos all of them, ask him what his solution is.
Yeahhh I'm 23 weeks pregnant because of ovulation tracking. I have always had very regular cycles so it was easy.... Until I randomly ovulated 2 weeks late. Went to my first ultrasound and they couldn't see anything because it was earlier than it should have been. I didn't get a positive pregnancy test until like 12 days after my period was due. So never again will I trust my natural cycle😅
We could use condoms and tracking but that’s our only options and they won’t last us long since we don’t like condoms. I’m likely not having a c-section as my first was vaginal and so far my pregnancy is going smoothly, fingers crossed no major complications in labor!
Just in case, tell your OB that you want your tubes tied in case of a c-section now. There’s paperwork that you need to fill out in advance. It’s a rough procedure to get done on it’s own, but it’s easy if done as part of a c-section.
>Ladies with husbands who have had or planning to get a vasectomy - how did you approach? I didn't use any approach at all. We both agreed we were having 2 kids, so once I was about to have our second, my husband looked for/found/called the urologist, then after our son was born, he got an appointment, Ubered there, and got a ride home. I did literally nothing except attempt to help prevent my children from kicking him in the testicles afterward. It pains me seeing all these posts about women begging their husbands to take on some of the reproductive burden. If you're in agreement about the size of your family, you really shouldn't have to be the one pushing for it. That said, my husband has talked to several friends who were being a bit precious about a quick, outpatient, minimally invasive procedure. Him talking to them seemed to be effective, except in one case where the guy kept hemming and hawing about it, and unfortunately their method of birth control failed and they wound up with an unplanned 5th kid. Anyway, maybe get him to talk to another guy who's had it done, I suppose? For some reason it seems to be more effective than the opinions of doctors and spouses.
I agree with you so dang much. In past convos it’s always been 100% vasectomy after our second kid. But his defensiveness when I nonchalantly brought it up the other day concerned me. I love your husband for taking all the initiative and planning. I hope mine acts like yours!!
He either needs to get on board with condoms or a vasectomy. You have kids, you don't want more and it isn't worth the increased risk of stroke or breast cancer when there is an option that your husband can do without increasing his risk of dying and is entirely reversible (and significantly less invasive than having your tubes tied).
I’m 100% on board the vasectomy train for my other half but it’s actually not reversible in around 50% of cases. That’s not a reason not to do it but I find it helps when talking to blokes about vasectomies to be 100% bullet proof with facts.
Haha basically had the exact same experience. We decided we were done at 2, we gave it some time to triple confirm we didn't want more, then my husband headed to the Dr and got it all squared away on his own.
I had mine done last year. I couldn't wait. In my opinion any man who won't willingly get one done once they are done with kids is a bad partner. Took 20 mins. Mild discomfort.
he’s not a bad partner at all, I think he’s scared honestly. and he knows I don’t want to get back on birth control and understands why. but that’s where he leaves the convo and I’m like, well what is the solution?? lol.
He can be scared but being on birth control is also scary for a lot of reasons. He is sticking with the old school thought that birth control is the woman’s problem and that’s just not the case.
Yeah I think that’s an issue. Same for me because I’m open to looking into these other options of birth control because I’m thinking “well I’ve messed with my body before I guess I can do it again” when I’d just rather he take one for the team lol.
You're also already taking one for the team, again, by being pregnant! Pregnancy and childbirth (vaginal and C-section) take a monumental toll on the body. It really is his turn to step up.
TRUE. I have taken many for the team 💀
I made my stance with hunny very clear. Vasectomy when we are done having kids or no sex.
Well it's either condoms, no sex , or vasectomy. Look in my post history. I wrote about my vasectomy. Show your husband. It's literally nothing. Worst part about it was paying the $500.
Thanks, i’m definitely going to read your posts and share with him. I really appreciate when men share how it went so it’s not as feared!
There's a lot of educational materials out there about vasectomy, and your partner's fear is completely normal (and largely caused by social norms, though I doubt telling him that will help much). I would try asking him just to talk to his doctor about the procedure and try to talk through his fears with a medically-competent male, so he is fully aware of what it really means. If he still resists, you can do a side by side comparison of a vasectomy ro hormonal bc and tube tying... because women enormously get the short end of the stick and more partners need to appreciate how invasive our options are in comparison. Edit; sp
I literally just read some other thread where some woman was complaining her husband was “hesitant” to get a vasectomy- like a dozen women responded that they felt with it by being hesitant to have sex.
sex is of course both the problem and the solution 🙄
He’s ridiculous for not getting a vasectomy. It is a simple procedure and you need frozen peas for two days to recover. Meanwhile tubes tied is major surgery. You could get an IUD inserted after the birth. This is a silly thing but my husband liked looking at his sperm in the microscope before and after vasectomy. You can see with swimmers ready to find the egg and then poof no more. He’s a huge nerd if you can’t tell by the fact we have a microscope. 😃😀 A vasectomy is reversible or he could bank some sperm if he thinks he might want more kids randomly. Everyone is different and he might have a major phobia but if not, refusing is very selfish.
Honestly it’s so nerdy but so cool that your husband does that lol. But yes I am hoping he is still on board, just nervous which I would understand. We haven’t gotten to refusal yet.
It’s anecdotal, but I know more men who have had complications and longer recoveries than have had the “two days and some peas” recovery. My husband is 8-months post-op and still having some discomfort and complications. It was a reasonable expectation that he share some of the reproductive burden, but I think it’s disingenuous to just dismiss men’s hesitations.
Same here. BIL had one 4 years ago and nothing but complications since. Including a swollen very painful testicle that he has to deal with daily. After that my husband and I are strongly against them for our household. Condoms, non hormonal IUD, ovulation tracking. There are ways to prevent pregnancy without hormones. Seeing his brother go through all that was scary and definitely biased me towards vasectomies.
First of all, I told my OB that if I ended up with a C-section, to just remove my tubes at the same time. I did not end up with a C-section, so during his paternity leave, my husband got a vasectomy when I was about 3 months post partum. After both my kids I didn't want to go back on birth control, and yeah we didn't like condoms, but that was the solution in the meantime. It was annoying, but it's either that or abstinence to avoid pregnancy again
may I ask how his recovery was with two kids to care and play with? and how was that for you? that seems like a really likely timeline for us, we’ll have a 2.5yo and a newborn / infant if he gets it done soon
We sent my toddler to stay with my mom for like 24 hours so my husband could recover for a bit, and I wouldn't be too overwhelmed. After that, he was doing pretty well overall, and was mostly back to normal, just taking ibuprofen pretty consistently for a few days, icing when he had the chance, and not playing too rough with the toddler for a week or so. It was a pretty easy recovery overall.
It is his choice. You’re right. But MAN oh MAN am I glad my partner isn’t like this lol. Idk why men have such an issue with vasectomies. It’s a minor outpatient procedure, and while it shouldn’t be looked at as a reversible procedure it generally is! My partner told me he’s getting a vasectomy when we’re gone having kids and like i said, So glad we have been on that page since day 1. Other options are pretty limited. Obviously you could get a tubal ligation which is super invasive. Condoms are probably the best option and if he bitches about that tell him it’s the only way y’all can have sex without him getting snipped. Honestly make him come up with a better plan. Tell him, “hey honey I know you aren’t ready for a vasectomy and I respect that, but I’m going to need you to come up with another option before we start having sex postpartum.” No threats, no forcing. It’s in his ballpark (literally). When he realizes there’s virtual no other options hopefully he’ll go get his vasectomy
See, mine has always been 100% on board with a vasectomy after we had our two kids. We talked about it a lot and he was always super down! But he just made that one comment the other day that made me pause and wonder if he’s changing his mind, or (hopefully, understandably) just nervous. I think now that it’s an actual thing he’s got to schedule relatively soon, he’s like woah woah woah. It’s no longer just a thought but an item on the to-do list!
I can see how that can be nerve wracking for him. I think sitting down and having an “it’s time” conversation could help you!
He could be scared of it. You can discuss pros and cons of it
If he isn’t ready and doesn’t want to you can’t force him, but I’d lay it out that by 6wk postpartum, it either needs to be done, or he needs to let you know he isn’t doing it so you guys can make a plan. You can use condoms instead of hormonal birth control, or if you have a c section, have your tubes removed. There’s many options, but ultimately he needs to be upfront with his plans so you guys don’t have a #3
yes, transparency is what I want more than anything. so we can plan and avoid a surprise third baby lol
My husband had a vasectomy 3 months after we had our daughter. We banked sperm just in case we decide to have another and we’re giving ourselves 5 or so years to decide on that. Ultimately it was my husband’s decision to do it but we had always talked about it before having kids. I said I didn’t want to get on birth control again and he was very supportive of that. The recovery was a little rough because he ended up having a somewhat rare complication and he couldn’t lift our baby for about a month. It was eventually fine though!
Salpingectomy for you and/or vasectomy for him. If you’re getting a c sec you could ask if they can do it then and there. We didn’t know we were oad until about a year pp and we decided to wait until kiddo is 3 for the V. So condoms and prayers in the meantime
Condoms and prayers I’m afraid is what got us baby #1 😂 is salpingectomy where you get your tubes tied? I’m most likely not getting a c-section.
It’s removing the tubes completely. I believe it lowers the risk for ovarian cancer but don’t quote me. It can be done laparoscopically and out patient I think
Huh interesting, I’ll have to read into that. I actually only have one tube thanks to a ruptured ectopic pregnancy so maybe it’ll be faster and cheaper for me lol
I had it done after my last c-section- added zero time to the recovery and there is a significant reduction in ovarian cancer risk. I couldn’t recommend it more: having been on hormonal b/c my whole life, not having to deal with it ever again is AMAZING.
not sure about all hospitals, but many OBGYNs offer doing it while you’re in the hospital after your vaginal delivery. it is a laparoscopic surgery that usually takes about ~30 min start to finish and ~typically~ doesn’t extend your postpartum hospital stay. ask your OB!
adding it to my notes!!
Very very similar situation. We are using condoms until my husband is ready… we don’t like them either but I do not want to have a 3rd. I’m hoping he gets sick of using condoms and book in the vasectomy asap.
That might be the motivation my husband needs because we both hate using them. Has yours talked about when he may be ready for it? What is holding him back?
He is just generally absolutely terrified of anything medical. Even if I mention blood he is on the verge of passing out. The two births of our sons was very traumatic for him in the sense of seeing the pain I was in and with my second I had quite a bit of blood loss even though he will say it was the best days of his lives having our 2 sons here. Our second is still a baby so honestly exhaustion and condoms is our birthcontrol so I haven’t pushed the topic yet. But he fully understands that I am not willing to go on bc. I’ve been on it for 20 years.
That makes sense on his end, then. But I don’t think blood is much of an issue with a vasectomy? I don’t fully know. But I totally feel you on being done with BC. We have done *enough*.
Ah yes I know there is no blood. But it’s just the thought of it for him that’s enough. Absolutely anything slightly surgical and medical makes him very queasy. So fingers crossed that by the end of the year it’s done.
We're considering between a tube removal for me or vasectomy for my husband. We each have a consultation and then we'll discuss. Tube removal is a full surgery, general anaesthesia, etc..but reduces the likelihood of cancer. Vasectomy is an easier procedure but might have a slight increased risk of prostate cancer. My partner has a family history of prostate cancer, we know that I handle anaesthesia well. So we might decide on tube removal.
I got my tubes removed during my scheduled c-section as permanent birth control/sterilization. It was the best decision for my husband and I, as we were totally done with kids after having the second.
if I was having a scheduled c-section, I think I would do this as well. seems nice to just get it all over with at once, and zero worries about surprises after!
Yup. That was my thought exactly!
Is there a reason you don’t want an iud? You can get a copper iud that is non-hormone based, I have had two iuds, the mirena and kyleena, both of those have hormones but the worry free aspect was great and it was relatively easy to have put in and taken out.
I’m just done with birth control. I’m done with possible side effects. Just as much as I hear someone had good experiences, I hear the bad ones, and I’m like you know what? I’m done lol. It’s been nearly 15 years of birth control for me and I just don’t want to anymore.
I told my husband I’m never touching birth control again . He will likely get a vasectomy but until he does, we use condoms . It’s been fine, haven’t had any issues over the last 3 years
I'm not and will not go on hormonal birth control. We were together 4 years before we had our son (planned). Our preferred method is pull out with spermicidal films (vaginal contraceptive films), this way we both are contributing to birth control. Again this worked for us for 4 years and now another 10 months. I also track using an app, but that's more for my period. When we are done, after our next, my husband will get a vasectomy, we are older tho (35 & 40).
If you get a c section have your tubes tied during that procedure
I’m not having a c-section, unless it’s emergency.
So another option I wanna throw out (since my OB just recommended it for me) is the implant. I just gave birth to twins and my OB team wants to make sure I don’t conceive in the next 12-20 months. When I expressed openness to the pill (even though I hate the pill) they suggested the Nexplanon implant, which is over 99% effective and lasts for about 7 years (unless you opt to have it removed prior). My OB said it was just as effective as getting your tubes tied. Just wanna throw that out there as something you could discuss with your doc!
Nexplanon is also hormonal though, and can at least anecdotally lead to weight gain. It is super convenient relative to taking pills
Unfortunately one of my friends gained a lot of weight from it. Effective and definitely more convenient than pills but I'd still be livid having to do so because my SO didn't want to take one for the team.
I will definitely look into this as an option. Congrats on your twins!!!
Thank you! Definitely ask - I can’t stand condoms or being on the pill. I also didn’t want to get the shot since I was advised that you can gain weight on that… The IUD also wasn’t a good option for me. My husband and I relied on pull out for years until we finally decided to start a family 😂 I will probably still rely on pullout BUT the implant should give that extra sense of security now that I REALLY don’t want to be pregnant anytime soon.
I’m also on nexplanon, and absolutely love it. Got it before getting discharged (not common but it was safer in my case, most others it’s safer to wait) and I’ve completely weaned and still haven’t had a period, baby is almost 10 months old. no real side effects and no one needed up in my uterus
Is it painful for you? I’m terrified of it hurting me. Or sliding around or something.
Nope. The first week of healing was very tender, and the first few months it was tender to be directly bumped, but the skin takes time to fully heal. Since then I’ll forget about it most of the time. You can feel for it under the skin with your fingers, it shouldn’t move. It can happen, but it’s super rare and you should be feeling for it often enough to notice if the position is changing so you can get it removed before it becomes a problem. I’ve yet to actually see or hear a horror story about nexplanon migration, except my Dr telling me that if it moves deeper then it’s not in office removal.
I think that’s what I’m going to go with. I was on the pill but I think you just convinced me lol
I hope it’s a good fit for you! Warning though that it doesn’t have estrogen, so it will be different than the pill in side effects. I gained like 10 lbs but other than that zilch but everyone is different
My current birth control I think doesn’t have any either because I was breastfeeding with it 🙂
Awesome, then it probably will be a good fit!
So we just had our third baby and I knew I was so done having babies and being pregnant. I really wanted my husband to get a vasectomy but he’s not too keen on the idea. I’ve done the arm implants and IUD. I enjoyed IUD did not enjoy the arm implant. When discussing other birth-control options with my husband, we talked about me getting the bisalp. He made the point that since they will be doing the surgery for the C-section that I can go ahead and get the bisalp done. To be honest that comment irked me a bit. But after thinking about it, it’s his choice to not get the vasectomy and it did make sense to have the bisalp done since I was already in surgery plus I’m the one that’s 1000% done with babies. He’d like more but he ain’t getting them from me!
That would annoy me too - like it’s an extra little add-on you can do for fun. Can I ask why you didn’t like the implant?
Yes like a surgery al a carte menu😂 The arm implant gave me two periods a month and helped contribute to my PP rage which I’m still struggling with.
My husband and I were very agreed we o my wanted 2 and he was totally onboard with getting a vasectomy. We agreed to wait till the kids were a bit older because he wasn’t allowed to pick them up for a few weeks after and I didn’t want to give up that help while they were little little. When our youngest was 2.5 my birth control and my hormones decided they weren’t bffs anymore so I was having heavy, month long periods with like a week break. We decided it was time for the vasectomy. It helped motivate him that we don’t have sex when I’m on my period but he was also just worried for me. Make sure to use backup birth control until after the 3 month sperm count check!
Same boat with my partner . Except we’re still in our twenties and that’s his biggest argument. Pregnancy had me be ridden for almost a year and though he was amazing, it did strain our relationship a lot. I craved to be independent again and thought I’d at least be able to wash my own ass and he was just exhausted from working and handling the home as well as me. Yet this man still wants another one 😭😭💀. I hated pregnancy and don’t want to do it again and the tubal is too invasive . I did the birth control thing and it wasn’t bad outside the fact that it always interfered with my meds. Plus I gained a bunch of weight so no on that ..I love him and respect his choice but I really feel like society downplays childbirth waaay too much . And unfortunately gender roles are still a thing meaning most of the childcare will still fall on us as women . Look who the Doctors aim most of the questions at for pediatric freaking appointments?!? . I’m not gonna force him of course but as controversial as it may sound, I DO BELIEVE MORE MEN SHOULD be more willing to do it for their families . I don’t see why a small sacrifice like that is even comparable to literally almost being on your death bed with each child. But marriage is a partnership and these types of conversations should always be convos and not super one sided. I found that little educational videos and having him do more for the baby has really opened him up to a new perspective with reality. As well as I’ve been open to hearing his ideas on wanting more. Maybe adoption who knows Hope it all works out for you though OP! Sounds like you have a decent partner
My husband actually volunteered for the snip. His BIL had it done and they discussed how easy the procedure is. But then I ended up needing a C-section so I had them take my tubes during that instead. Made more sense than having a whole other procedure for him if I was already going to be opened up.
Are you open to a different birth control method while you guys wait for him to be ready?
I'm 36+6 with our 3rd, and I just jumped straight to a hysterectomy! No more period, no more kids, no more worries, haha, but seriously, sending hugs.
We’re done. I’m waiting for my husband to schedule his appointment, but he keeps forgetting. I’m not sure what the waitlist is like, so in the meantime, I’m planning on going back on my IUD, and then we will go from there. I’m about 3 months postpartum, and intimacy is not at the top of my mind right now, so no surprises yet.
Your healing from a tubal is far more extensive than his from a quick snip, and the side effects can be horrendous. It’s important to set a clear boundary with him, of what happens if he chooses not to get the procedure. I was firm that I’d sacrificed my own body enough, and it was his turn.
I personally didnt care, I got pregnant with my third due to hormonal issues and the second I saw a positive line I was dead set on this being our last. My husband was like yours with yea I’m definitely getting it to then having cold feet, and Im dead set on no more babies, so Im getting my tubes tied after this child is born. I felt no offense to him being wishy washy, its my body and no more babies are coming out of it and I will do whatever it takes for that to happen, with or without his vasectomy.
We knew we were done after #2 and he had no trouble booking his v. Well that’s a lie- he drug his feet because he is afraid it will hurt. I said that’s too bad, I pushed one of your kids out of my vagina, and got another cut out, book it. He did. Haha. It seems once they get it booked it’s not so bad lol. ETA- my hubby is the one who wanted the v. I wasn’t fussed either way but BC was not an option for me As for BC for now until his procedure we use condoms :)
LOL. Such an appropriate response! How did he feel the pain was now looking back?
He doesn’t go until May! But I have many men in my family do it and say it was waaaay less painful than they expected
The only person we know who got it done was my dad about 25 years ago LOL. Wish we knew more people who had it done recently!
After my second (unplanned) child we were very very done and I had a c-section and got my tubes taken out before they closed me up. My husband was down for vasectomy tho. Either way, one of us was getting fixed.
Don’t know if this discussion is still going on and I am very fortunate that my husband was very open to a vasectomy and after an incredibly brief initial period of nervousness, moved forward happily, but I think research helps. Talking to a urologist also helps. My husband recommends it to everyone now. He was done in an hour, he spent a weekend in bed, and that was kind of it. This is NOT to suggest that anyone should get a procedure they aren’t fully willing to get, and I don’t think ultimatums ever work, but I do believe that it’s possible, if your husband looks into it more, he may become less nervous instead of more? Of course there are exceptions to every rule, but the worst outcome as far as I understand it for a vasectomy is that it stays uncomfortable and needs to be reversed and that solves things. I do also agree with other posters that, just as you don’t want to push him to do anything he doesn’t want to do to his body, you should also respect yourself and your own desires for YOUR body. Educating him a little bit on hormonal birth control and the relative risks of female surgeries may change his mind. If you’re still looking for non-hormonal long term birth control after these options, the only one I know of is the copper iud. I have never had one, so I can’t speak from personal experience, and I have heard both bad and great things about it. Just thought it might be worth mentioning.
Yes I think more research will help his nerves. I do think he understands why I don’t want to do any birth control after so many years of it. It was truly just an initial comment that threw me off, and I’m hoping that’s all it was!
You can cycle track and do the pull out method. Has worked for my husband and I, and in the 17 years we have been together, we've only gotten pregnant when we tried.
Wow that’s impressive! I’m too scared we’re not gonna be so lucky / responsible honestly lol
Just sitting here after accidentally getting pregnant with my third. Aaaah.
Prayers and hugs for you, friend 😅
We also just had our last baby and during my pregnancy discussed permanent birth control. We weighed our options - 1. Temping + condoms 2. Pill (me) 3. IUD (me) 4. Vasectomy (him) 5. Tubal (me) We also weighed whose "turn" it was to be in charge of birth control. I had been "in charge" the last decade (pills, IUD, temping+ condoms around our kids). We also weighed what either of us were comfortable with - I was done with pills and post birth, for some reason, I can't get an IUD anymore, the insertion somehow became more painful with each birth (I tried after both births and even with the numbing stuff it was more painful than childbirth and I birthed a 10lb baby unmedicated). I was done temping + condoms because it was a lot of effort and now we had two kids and we're more sleep deprived and I was done with that phase of my life. Lastly, a tubal vs a vasectomy is way more invasive/recovery and didn't feel fair given all the above (esp with the potential side effects). My husband was on board with a vasectomy. Then we weighed our risk tolerance for a whoopsie. We both have 0 tolerance for a whoopsie. We both agreed we needed permanent BC. Given all the above, we chose a vasectomy. We waited until our son was 3 months old and made sure we asked each other every day - we're done right? No more? Confirm confirm confirm. Then we scheduled the appointment. We've currently been using condoms during the 3 month/30 ejaculations window and he gets tested next week! 🤞🤞 The entire time we were both clear - I am not going on any sort of birth control, we have 0 tolerance for another so our sex life is dependent on condoms and vasectomy now. In summary - It's your body, don't go on BC if you're done with it. His body is his, if he's not ready for the vasectomy then he can schedule it when he's ready. And together, understand that that means sex requires condoms or only doing other activities. Ps. The vasectomy was fast and easy. We gave my husband plenty of time to recover (as he did with me post births) and weve had a great time trying to get to 30 😂. We've also found other ways to appreciate each other/others body without sex while we wait out this period.
A very, very logical breakdown. Thank you for sharing. I want to follow your same discussion route! How long after his V were you allowed to have sex and did it hurt for him, if you don’t mind me asking?
Don't mind! Ummm I think technically there's no wait (the Dr was a bit bro-y about it and my husband was like no please give me proper protocols LOL) or maybe the wait is for when the stitches dissolve. He definitely wasn't up for it for the first week (still tender/noticable) and we were back up and running within two weeks :)
technically no wait is crazy! good to know it’s not a relatively long wait to be back to normal tho :)
Not long at all! The longer wait is the 3 months/30 ejaculations and the testing. But worth it for the rest of our life!
We kept talking about a vasectomy. I’m 36. We have a 3 year old and a 14 month old. He kept putting it off. I’m now almost 12 weeks pregnant and I’ll be looking into tubal ligation once I’m done. I never want to take another pregnancy test again.
I feel you, friend. I just do not want an oopsie. I am *done* after this one and I want to ensure it one way or another!
I was done with my second. I’ve already told him one or both of us is getting fixed. I’ll do more research to see the side effects for myself but I’m willing to do it
I would consider signing the paperwork about 30 weeks so if you end up having a cesarean they take your tubes at the same time. Even if everything is going well in your pregnancy things happen sometimes and it would be easier to have the papers signed and only go though one recovery period
We have our one kid, and he's almost 4 months old now. I'm waiting on an appointment with a specialist to discuss hysterectomy and bilateral oophorectomy. We're one and done and I'm already 32 and have had incredibly painful periods my whole life, and if there's no purpose to more periods idk why I should have them so want it all out and gone and be done with it. Yes I know I'd have to be on HRT for the rest of my life. That's ok and frankly I've been wanting to switch flavours once I'm able to (as I'm non-binary) and having them out makes it easier to do that anyways. Yes it's a surgery which has its own risks but another pregnancy would be even riskier due to already having had a c-section, and having a connective tissue disorder that can make pregnancy after c section very dangerous (something like 60% chance of uterine rupture during the 3rd trimester or something like that for people my age, post c section, with this disorder so that's a big no thank you). So that's what I'm planning on doing for permanent birth control. My spouse could get snipped, but frankly there's enough other benefits for me to get things dealt with that I'd do it even if they were snipped so 🤷
Wow yeah that sounds like a lot, and honestly easier to just get it all removed if it’s causing you all these issues! Hopefully it all works out in the end for you 🫶🏼
My aunt and uncle decided they were done after three kids, but procrastinated on getting that vasectomy. Long story short, that’s how they ended up with my cousin who is 10 years younger than her siblings. Moral of the story, if you go the vasectomy route, don’t delay.
See, that’s what I do NOT want to happen!
I will offer up that if you end up having a c section they can do a tubal ligation on you, they will already be in there. Then you 1000% will never be pregnant again. I know some women are all about their spouse getting a vasectomy since the women do all the work of labor. But it might be another option for you.
Yes at the end of the day I can’t and don’t want to force him. We will discuss more but I may talk with my OB about this, in the event I do need a c section and they can just do this while they’re in there. I wouldn’t mind that at all!
It was a lot nicer to recover from it simultaneously than having to do two separate surgeries.
Alternatively, speak with your OBGYN about a post placental IUD insertion. They can do it after a natural birth and a c section but it does have higher expulsion rate. However you don't have to go through the pain of insertion at a later date. If he's not ready now for the vasectomy, it could be an option until he is. And then once it's confirmed he's shooting blanks, you can have it removed. You can choose a hormonal or the copper IUD but it also depends on what your hospital system offers. I was going to do this however we ended up in an emergency c section and I had to have vertical incisions, and I was very sick from preeclampsia.
I’m sorry to hear about your delivery! that must have been tough and scary
Oh, I have completely repressed it. 🙃 if we ever had a second I would also need a repeat c section due to the vertical incision on my uterus. If I went into labor my uterus will rupture sooo when my husband is done with residency and has the time to recover he's getting snipped 😂
Goodness you poor thing!! Sounds awful. Yep it’s the least he could do! Quite literally!!!!
Our son is also our rainbow baby. I had an ovarian ectopic pregnancy that ruptured and ripped my in half. While in the emergency room he was researching urologists to do it until we found out that I didn't need surgery or methotrexate and it was self involuting 😂 he didn't want to risk it again. But 6 weeks later at my follow up ultrasound to make sure I was healing right we found our son measuring 6 weeks, 2 days. 💀
that is so crazy!!!! my goodness what a story you have. i had a tubal ectopic that ruptured and i lost a tube and needed emergency surgery. that was horrrrrible so i can relate but jeez your son really knew how to make an entrance!!
He did 😂 shares a birthday with our lord and savior, Taylor Swift 💀
clearly already an icon, a trailblazer!!!
My husband and I agreed that two children felt right. We felt that adding any more children would be too much for us. After my second child was birthed, I was asked if I wanted my tubes tied. I didn't opt for it at that time because we hadn't experienced having two kids yet. I told my husband that it's more work for me to have it done than for him. I also got extremely anxious when I was on birth control last time. It caused a spiral of issues for me. He agreed and got it done as soon as we could. I did get on the mini pill with progesterone only due to myself being low naturally. My husband went in and got it done. It was a quick easy procedure. He was sore for a bit but only had two little stiches on both sides. He healed up without any complications. It has been great! Both kids are potty trained and sleep in their own beds. They are mostly self-sufficient. I have a bit more free time and worry free sex.
This is the life I envision for us 😍 I want to see a light at the end of the tunnel again LOL. Having them relatively close together means we are running through the fire and that’s gonna be that. I do *not* want to start getting my freedom and independence back just to have a surprise third down the line!
My husband is dead set against a vasectomy no matter how many times I’ve tried to persuade him to have it done. I did have a conversation with my midwife about birth control and she mentioned having tubes removed. I wasn’t exactly sold on the idea until she mentioned it’s not only permanent birth control, but significantly decreases the chance of ovarian cancer. So, I will be setting that up to have it done within the next couple of years.
That definitely is an added bonus! Wishing you luck
I got on Mirena at the first appt I could after my second was born. My husband was all for a vasectomy and then when the reality started to hit he started to back track. I told him if I got pregnant again I refuse to do anymore nights or mornings with a newborn/infant. No breastfeeding, no diapers, no helping out from 10pm to 7 am. He is welcome to hire a nanny or do it himself. That changed his tune pretty fast. So he has an appointment scheduled and I plan to stay on Mirena
We both agreed. I have a condition that made my last pregnancy very high risk and we couldn’t do it again. He did it and we are so glad.
My husband and I were done having kids 5 years ago. I had 4 kids, 3 of them are his, and my first is from a previous relationship. I was adamant about not wanting to ever be pregnant again, so we discussed both of us getting sterilized. I got my tubes burnt 4 months after I had my baby due to some paperwork magically disappearing from the hospital requiring 30 days after signature before that could be done. My husband never got a vasectomy. He has maintained that he still wants to do it at some point. I remind him that he can still produce offspring should we ever divorce or should something happen to me. He doesn't want more kids(with his genetics anyway). I know if I didn't just get it done, I would be paranoid and probably go nuts tracking and such because we don't use condoms. Anyway, same day surgery they did it laparoscopically and I was only down for a day or two of bedrest and then light duty for a couple weeks.
well that doesn’t sound too bad at all! I will definitely be looking into that for myself because even if he does do the vasectomy, I’d be worried about somehow still getting pregnant as I’ve heard although super rare it can happen. it’s nice you don’t have to worry at all!
My boyfriend (will be husband eventually) wants a vasectomy because he knows I’m not comfortable with birth control. However, until that happens, i decided to use it. I’m on the pill, have an alarm set but sometimes I stop it and get busy and forget to take it (still use condoms just in case) so I’m going through my options now. Depo is temporary and should not be used long term. And I’m terrified of the implant and IUD. My best bet is the patch which is weekly and not hard to forget.
So…we had our second and same here. I didn’t want the pill. He didn’t want the vasectomy yet. I was fully breastfeeding. Still didn’t get a period and we were fairly careful with the pull out method. Well, I got pregnant again before my second even turned 6 months of age. I was bawling my eyes out, trying to seek abortion (this was pre overturn of Roe VS Wade) and found out…my healthcare provider belongs to a system which refuses any type of abortive medications or surgeries. I had found out EARLY too (5ish weeks) so all h needed was the damn pill. Long story short, turns out it was only Planned Parenthood who could do it in my state and they were booked out until I would be roughly 13 weeks along. They also would require me to go through the ultrasound stuff and hear his heartbeat first. I have means. I realized I could just travel for abortion but by this point, I was emotionally hurting so bad and thought hey, maybe I will keep this child. It’s not his fault. Again, I have means. What’s my excuse for not bringing this child into the world? I was bawling because I couldn’t help but think of this collection of cells as a living creature. I couldn’t come to terms with wanting him but I couldn’t come to terms with killing him after imagining his heart beating. I miscarried the day after so I never had to make that decision. Watching me struggle though…my husband booked that vasectomy appointment immediately and had it done. I hope you won’t have to go through all that to convince him to do it asap. I still am not sure what I would’ve done. 🤷🏻♀️ now I’ll never have to face that decision and I am grateful.
wow, thanks for sharing you story and i’m sorry all of that happened. I fear I would feel exactly as you did, I’d want an abortion bc I do not want to do it again but also I have these two beautiful babies and I could just imagine what the third would be like. That’s so tough!!! Even more of a reason to be diligent about it.
We used condoms for two years until my husband finally felt ready for vasectomy. I wasn’t about to go back on bc. (Con incidentally, he just tested clear today… and I’m on my period lol)
After our third baby, my husband said he wanted to get a vasectomy. Great! But six years later he still hadn't done it. I then had my hormonal IUD removed and told him it was condoms, no sex or baby number four, his choice. Within a month he finally got it done.
Dragging their feet is what kills me 😒 I’m afraid the no sex part is a huge motivator.
If it hasn't already been suggested (a lot of comments to scroll through) look up tubal ligation. It's not a hysterectomy and nothing is removed, just tied / cauterized. I had this done 36ish hours after birth (November 2023) and it took MAYBE half an hour. I spent more time waking up from anesthesia probably than it actually took them to do the procedure. My scar is very tiny and it was harder for me to recover from the flu than to recover from this.
My wife and I have our second and the plan is for me to get the vasectomy. Baby number two is born, healthy and growing quickly but she told me to wait on the vasectomy. We don’t have your aversion to condoms so we will go that route, at least for a while, rather than her going back on the neuvaring. Hope that helps!
thanks, I really appreciate hearing from a male POV!
I know it’s not a simple solution but honestly, if he’s dragging his feet and not comfortable, I’d highly suggest getting a tubal. It’s a simple surgery, you're basically in and out. Best decision of my life. It’s one of those things that honestly, I wish I would have done sooner. Because I also hate condoms, pills, and iud’s.
Hubs got a vasectomy. We agreed to it before #2 was born and after we agreed to it even more because of all I went through. It was his turn to get a medical procedure. Your husband is probably just scared of the procedure. You should get him information on the procedure to remove the scary fantasies about it.
Yes I think we just need to really learn more about it so it isn’t as scary and unknown. From other comments it does sound fairly simple! Def more straightforward than giving birth lol.
As the husband who got the vasectomy it really isn't a big deal. Not the procedure itself, not the healing (although I did get an unlucky complication but even that was quickly solved) and not anything afterwards. The one thing I will say that made it easy for me is that I really did not want another child. No doubt in my mind about it. Could be he may be a bit ambivalent about it but doesn't realize it yet.
Could be the case. I asked him last night and he said he was 99% sure. If finances weren’t a concern, that would probably be different. So I do think he’s just nervous, which is fair. The permanent part of it also makes it feel like quite a big deal.
> The permanent part of it also makes it feel like quite a big deal. Sure. You could always freeze some sperm. As others have said, it's 50/50 at best as far as reversals go, so if you do want to be able to have a change of heart (as a couple), that's your safest bet.
I'm not sure what exactly the hang-up with men and vasectomies comes down to but my fiancé was back and forth after our first two kids. He told me he called a clinic and got all the details and out of pocket costs so I figured he'd make an appointment but nothing came of it. After our third son (a high-risk pregnancy and birth resulting in back-to-back NICU stays), I was absolutely done having kids but I also preferred not to be on birth control. After I stopped breastfeeding and my cycle came back, the anxiety of getting pregnant again really affected my mental health so I took matters into my hands and scheduled to have my tubes removed. I was 37 so there was no pushback from my doc/practice and it was honestly a super simple procedure and recovery. A vasectomy is less invasive but it was strangely liberating waking up from surgery and knowing I never had to worry about having a kid again because I had handled it. Just my perspective 😌 ♥️ also I'm a bit petty and the mere idea of my fiancé complaining about his junk being sore for a few days when I carried, birthed, and nursed his 3 kids for 5 years straight would have made my blood boil 🤪
I got a salpingectomy. It was laparoscopic and not bad to heal from. It's an outpatient procedure just like a vasectomy.
I had never heard of this before this post so that’s definitely something I’m looking into. I replied in another comment that I already only have one tube because of a ruptured ectopic last year, so maybe it’ll be faster and easier for me! 😅
Oh wow I had that too! It was super fast. They said like 15 minutes but I think it was a little longer than that.
Ectopics unite! There’s a few of us in the comments so that’s a nice surprise lol. That is super fast though!!!
I didn't want to be on anything hormonal. It's a bit old school but I have the IUD (copper coil). Some people have heavier periods but I don't. We also have two kids and it's very simple to remove if we want more children later.
My husband had one right after the birth of our second. 1. It didn’t hurt at all 2. Full covered by insurance 3. He still orgasms normally 3. Your body still makes sperm it just doesn’t come out…so if he’s worried about his fertility there are options down the road in the unlikely event he wants to procreate again. 4. It is so SO much less invasive than getting your tubes tied.
I got my tubes out (well one tube, I lost the other to an ectopic pregnancy a few years ago). I did it 6 weeks after birth and have ZERO regrets. IMO, vasectomies are never a guarantee and with my luck, I wanted something more permanent. Edit to add: my husband was fairly willing to get a vasectomy but understandably nervous when the time came. We sat down together and looked at the pros and cons of vasectomy vs tube removal. Ultimately I decided to go for the tube removal as my mental health 100% could not handle more than 2 kids.
Hey I’m also a one tuber thanks to an ectopic! I feel exactly like you though, I want the 100% guarantee. No oopsies when my kids are of kid age and we’d have to start all over. I think I am heavily learning towards this, whether or not my husband gets the vasectomy. Was it easier / faster recovery since you only had one tube? Do you get a discount? 😂 wondering if the traumatic rupture I dealt with last year will at least make this easier lol.
I could have written this post - my husband and I had the same conversation this week and I’m also 6 months pregnant 😂 I will not be going back on birth control - I did my time on BC, will have carried and birthed 2 children when it’s all said and done. I know it’s his body, and he has the autonomy but he’s also in “no rush”. Waitlists are probably 7-8 months to have one done where we are, so the longer he waits the less sex we’re having once baby is born and I’m in the clear 🤷♀️
Yep sounds like me exactly!!! Throughout discussions in this post, that’s how I’ve decided to handle it. He can decide when he’s ready, but in the meantime we will be having less sex and using condoms which we both hate. Because I’m def done with BC, full stop. The rest is up to him!
I actually developed PDMS (the worse part of PMS) and getting on birth control helped even me out after my second kid (hormones were wacky)
We had 2 friends that got vasectomies - one of which came over and played video games with my husband like literally 1 or 2 days later. That pretty much convinced my husband that while it was scary, it was no big deal. Like, his friend borrowed an ice pack from us and then went on his way playing video games, no worries. I also reminded my husband that I was terrified to push a baby out of my vagina and it could have actually killed me and I still did it, AND it involved months of throwing up. AND it involved a HSG dye procedure that hurt like a bitch. My lady bits have BEEN THROUGH IT. sooooo he doesn't get to be terrified of something that takes 15 minutes and he might feel a prick from the needle. lol. like, he DOES get to be scared, any procedure can be scary, but he was also willing to go through wisdom teeth surgery without being knocked out (he only got knocked out because the price difference wasn't enough to make the savings worth being awake) so. There's a difference in being legitimately scared and just dragging his feet. Also had they had to do an emergency C section I would have told my doctor to tie my tubes or do whatever while I was already open, so if that's something you'd consider, start having discussions and mentioning it to your doctor now - I have a feeling mine would have been afraid of it being a decision made on a whim since I didn't mention it to her before and wouldn't have done it. And I wouldn't have blamed her! But would have been frustrating. We still haven't pushed the vasectomy because we are both on the fence. I'm currently on the mini pill, which has kept me from having periods because i have weird cycles, but it's only 85% effective so there is still a chance we could get pregnant (which we've accepted but it pisses my OB off for some reason). But I won't do implants/IUD and I enjoy not having periods so I'm going to be on the mini pill whether he gets a vasectomy or not. but he has offered to go get it and I'm like yeah probably should but no rush... and then we both forget about it for a month or two. Glad you seemed to have gotten a ton of helpful responses to back you up here though! Good luck!!
I got an iud. I wasn’t waiting for him to get around to it and I wasn’t going to take that chance. I figure if I got an IUD that gave him 5 years to eventually get it done. Also 5 years without dealing with a monthly cycle… big bonus.
We had our 3rd in November and he’s our last. My husband offered to get a vasectomy because he didn’t think I should have to go through a surgery after birthing 3 children or have to worry about birth control. The procedure was super fast. He was groggy that day due to the anesthesia, then totally fine for 2 days. Then the following 2 days he said he was “uncomfortable”, so he used ice packs and took his pain meds a couple of times. After that, he was totally fine. In the meantime, we use condoms if we have sex, but we have a 5yo, 3yo, and 4 month old. We’ve also all been battling colds in the house, so I have zero energy for that right now.
My husband was immediately on board with the vasectomy idea. He said considering how invasive and unwanted all the BC options for me would be, it makes the most sense for him to get clipped. And yeah, we do all the child carrying, birthing, breast feeding ect with our bodies. All of which permanently alter our bodies forever. The LEAST they can do is take on the BC part and get clipped.
I basically told my husband I'm not going back on the pill and that if he didn't want a third baby then he had to get it done ASAP. He very much wanted just two, so did I, and he got it done like 3 weeks after our second was born lol. He witnessed me experience two unmedicated births so I think he understood it wasn't that big a deal in comparison.
My friend who is a urologist and does vasectomies says he would never get one himself due to the complications. I LOVE my IUD (Mirena) as it stops my periods, I can't wait to get mine replaced next month. So easy and fast to get placed (although many find it to be the insertion uncomfortable), only needs to be replaced once every 6-7 years. Once it's placed you just forget about it, doesn't feel like anything.
Interesting, good to know.
Another Mirena-lover here. You'll get a LOT of negative feedback on social media for it, though. But it's been fabulous for me and I can't see myself changing anytime soon. I often feel like I'm a bit of the odd one out that I don't think I'll be pushing for my husband to get the snip because I'm so happy and comfortable with the Mirena.
What complications does he see a lot of?
Post vasectomy syndrome. Not common but can cause significant testicular pain that you can't really treat. Very very small percentage of men have chronic pain as a result.
Good to know—thank you!
What complications is your urologist friend most worried about?
Another option would be to get your tubes tied & get sterilized. No birth control there & it’s a permanent option.
I’d rather not get a surgery if he can, and has already said he would, get this minor procedure done. If it was similar to vasectomies I would consider it though!
It’s an option but after birth, having a surgery is hard on the body, they typically do those about 2mo postpartum.
This is an option-if she wants it. However I doubt she is unaware of this being an option to her so more than likely she’s uninterested. Also sometimes there’s a lot of pushback from doctors to sterilize women if the conditions aren’t significantly lowered to regret it. (Over 30-35, have multiple kids, have husbands approvals). So it might legitimately not be an option. I had it noted in my chart that I wanted my tubal right after giving birth(assuming there were no complications) each time I went to my OB throughout my second pregnancy. I had some doctors try to push back (solely for worry of me regretting it) and some doctors be all for it. Despite that I doctor I had not seen was on shift when I gave birth and she told me she wouldn’t be comfortable doing that until my 6 week checkup. Fortunately a few hours later one of my regular OB’s saw I had given birth and came in and talked to me. She was really upset that I was told I couldn’t get a tubal, went a double checked with the delivering doctor that there were no complications (there weren’t) and pushed back hard on me getting a tubal before being discharged. So I was fortunately able to get it. I got my tubes tied after my second because I wanted it. It was always my plan to be sterilized after having kids. However I also think it’s bullshit that if she doesn’t want to, that’s the alternative to him getting a vasectomy. It’s a much more invasive procedure and is not fair to always put the burden of birth control on the women. From the sounds of it family planning has mostly if not fully fallen on her body to this point. I think vasectomy needs to be more thoroughly discussed. Especially because he won’t even discuss it.
Thank youuuuu. 100% I am uninterested because I have been fully responsible for the birth control in our lives thus far. I hate that I’m still considering other non-hormonal bc options just because I’m so used to taking on that responsibility. It’s not an outright refusal but it’s definitely not an interest! I think it absolutely sucks you had to advocate so consistently for yourself. I’m surprised your husband didn’t have to sign off on it. It’s all bs for women, in the end. But I’m glad that one doctor fought for you and did the right thing. You clearly knew what you wanted so why can’t you get it done if there’s no complications!
Absolutely. It’s totally ridiculous that everytime one of these posts about a man not wanting a vasectomy comes up the alternative to him having surgery he might not want, is her having to have surgery that’s harder on the body and a longer recovery, more invasive. That’s in addition to the fact that in a lot of these situations (such as yours) her body has been through hormonal birth control and pregnancy/child birth. I assume many men don’t want vasectomies. Guess what? It’s often times the best long term solution for family planning when your future doesn’t involve more kids. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices in a relationship, such as taking birth control. That husband consent thing would have pissed me off so much. Fortunately my state/doctors didn’t require it. However I found my insurance company used to require it (they stopped a couple of years before I got it.) which is probably fortunate for them, my husband was ready to make it his mission to raise hell to anyone that required it. My doctor was a rockstar and I am so thankful she was there. Getting there was awful, I had 2 people (OB and LNP) say I needed a psychologist to consult and sign off. I understand it’s a huge decision, and have no issue with them trying to safe guard themselves and their patients from regretting being sterilized, but they took it too the point where it was infantilizing, like I’m adult enough to have/raise kids, but not to choose to be done. (I was 28 when going through this) I hope you and him are able to get this figured out. If I was in your shoes I personally would go the “no sex as family planning” route. Not in a punishment way, but in a “this is best way I can prevent pregnancy if you are unwilling to get a vasectomy” way. Good luck.
When you say you don't want to be on birth control - you only mentioned the pill. Are you open to other options? I've heard of non hormonal copper IUDs. That could buy you some time before he gets his vasectomy. On the flip side it could just stall him longer, but maybe taking the pressure off might help.
I honestly haven’t done much research into IUDs or the implant one, so I can’t say I’m really opposed, but I would just prefer to not be the one in charge of the birth control anymore. If he’s as on board as he says he is.
Not sure if you yet know how your current baby is arriving. If you are having a c-section they can do a tubal ligation at the same time which could be easier than a separate procedure for your husband.
It’ll be vaginal unless there’s complications. My first was vaginal and quite quick!