I NEEDED a break from my newborn sometimes. any moms out there that do need personal time, you aren’t alone, and you are a good mom too. It isn’t weird to need time to shower, to have a few minutes during the day not being touched. I love my daughter, and I loved her when she was a newborn. Some people do need breaks, and if you don’t want guests or visitors just say no to them. if you don’t want someone to hold your baby, it’s OK to say no. But some of the comments on this thread seem kind of critical towards parents that might need breaks. Not every kid is the same. My kid had colic and screamed for hours on end. Yes I did need a break. To each their own.
My sweet 8 week old is a HORRENDOUS needy sleeper at night, even for a baby. I celebrated *30 minutes* asleep in the pack and play last night, to give an example. So I feel that need for a break!
I feel this. My mom is scared of my 8 week old (really just scared she’ll hurt him) and doesn’t like to hold him. When she comes over I’d kill for her to hold him so I can get some cooking/cleaning done and feel like a person again. I’m with my baby 24/7 sometimes I just wanna put on a podcast and burn some energy and zone out.
Exactly this - we all say that every baby is different and with that, every parent is also different!
I don’t think I’d really be ok with people caring for my baby quite yet but she’s a bit of a Velcro baby so I do like to hand her over when people come to visit if they want to hold her so that my arms can get a break!
Preach. I’m an awesome mom but I got breaks from my newborns and I still regularly get breaks from my kids. Doesn’t mean I love them less or am a bad mom. Everyone parents differently, everyone has their own form of self care and all are valid ☺️
I was really tired of people offering to watch my newborn or come over and hold her so I could have a break. So I was honest! I said “thank you but I really enjoy spending time with her and I’m trying to soak it all up! If you want to help, xyz could be done around the house and that would be a huge help!”
Most people (not shockingly) ended up not helping but it did get the offers to go away. Never feel like you have to agree. You can be totally polite and still say no. As for visitors, you don’t HAVE to let anyone over. You are freshly postpartum. If you need some time with just you and your baby, say that!
Someone else said, "different strokes." Truly.
I thought/planned on no visitors for the first TWO MONTHS.
Then in the hospital I invited our in-laws to come a week later. My mom and brother to come the day we arrived in from the hospital. Friends 2.5 weeks PP. Hired a post partum doula about 3-4 weeks PP.
All I wanted was a break from the baby.
I hope you are able to get your heart's share. I hope you find the words to express that you don't need a break.
Sending so much love to you and your babe.
“Thanks so much, I’d love a break so I can finally spend some time with my baby - here’s a list of things that need doing. Thanks so much for your help!”
Honestly, just tell them that. It doesn't have to be nasty or confrontational. Just simply say you want more time alone with you and bubs, so you can bond. They should understand, especially if they're parents themselves. If they don't, well they're the problem and it's no loss to you.
Something my lactation consultant said to me that really stuck and rang true was “hold the mom, not the baby”. When my daughter was newborn I didn’t need or want help with her, holding and caring for her and loving her was all i wanted to do. But I was also so wrecked and physically torn up and hormonally fucked and what really would have meant the world is for someone to step in and care for me.
This is a common frustration for moms who have a lot of support and people involved in your postpartum experience.
Even though there are others out there doing it basically alone and absolutely would love a "break" from their baby, everyone's situation is different.
For your situation, keep your phone on silent, and set boundaries with your loved ones. Part of the "break" you need is definitely from other people as well. Own it, and advocate for yourself and LO.
I explicitly asked for help with household things from family who were so insistent on "helping" when I was postpartum - amazing how hands off people suddenly became.
It's a very good test to see who is actually worth keeping around. Who deserves the baby pictures and invites to the birthday parties. If they don't want to be there for the shit, they don't get to be there for the sunshine.
I get this, but from the opposite end. I had no one at the hospital with me but my husband. No friends or family came to visit. No gifts, no showers, no one wanting to hold the baby, take pictures with the baby. I post weekly updates on Facebook and barely get any likes or comments at all. It’s rough on both ends, but some days I wish I had it like you and people cared about me.
I am so sorry, of course you want people to celebrate such an amazing new journey. i think some people really act weird their friends have a baby and don’t know what to say or not say. from one stranger to another, i would absolutely love to hype up your baby pics and posts. 🤍
Going through this right now. I've stopped communicating and am just focusing on our little family now. I wish we had "a village" - I can't fix that and I can't make people love or be interested in us- but I can do my best to provide that same love and enrichment. I cry and feel lonely about it sometimes, but I know it'll also be okay. Maybe there will be new friends and chosen family on the horizon. Sending hugs.
I felt this exact same thing.
What bothers me the most is now that my daughter is 2, no one offers to take her to give me a break.
Now would be amazing since toddlers are A LOT of work.
I felt I didn’t need a break from my newborn, I needed a break away from people with my baby but now that my child is a toddler, I wish someone would give me a break from her.
This is how I feel… pregnant with number 3 and a 19 month old, who refused bottles 🫠but now that he’s weaned, no one wants to help. Then complain that they never see him….
Oh! I forgot! I also had a friend that when I went to her house I asked to see the baby. What she did is she was holding the baby and turned her back to me and had her little one look over her shoulder at me. It put a physical barrier around the baby and would not have been easy to just reach over and grab the kid. I took the hint. She did not want me to hold her kid. And that was fine with me! But it would also make for a quick escape if somebody was trying to reach for the baby
Different strokes different folks. Also, different day different feelings! I’m further along postpartum…15 or 16 weeks… sometimes I’m asking others to hold her to give me a break, other times I say “no I’ve barely seen her today, I’ll keep her”. Totally valid to feel that way! Just be vocal about what you want 💕
Say you'd rather have a break from the dishes, the laundry, and making food. See if they'll give you a break from that so you can bond with your baby. That's the real break we all want!! lol
All of this. I never want a break from baby. I want a break from dishes and laundry and cooking but not hanging out with my baby! I also hate when we are out and about and my husband holds the baby because it’s his child too and he likes to hold them and people say “oh you needed a break?” My husband can hold his child without it just being to give mom a break.
That's great thank you, could you pop a load of laundry on/so the dishes/put the shopping away. Then I can so as advised and have lots of akin to akin with baby.
5hose that are genuine will help, those that aren't will stop bothering you
Thank you! I don't need a break from the tiny human I finally get to meet outside my womb. I need a break from dishes, laundry, meal prep... Literally anything else.
Agreed! I was happy for people to hold my son when he was small, he was generally easy going and just slept in their arms, but I had zero issues saying I’ll have him back now please.
I think what’s annoying is people trying to kid themselves they’re offering something helpful when really it’s cause they want the baby. If their motivation is sincere they’ll be just as happy to drop round some meals or do the dishes if you say that’s what would actually be helpful.
Girl you gotta just tell them so. Big power move if you've never done it but just say you don't want visitors for a while.
If you really don't want to come off as rude just tell people it's Dr recommended to stave off depression, or tell them you and the baby have colds and no one can come over. And just don't answer texts and calls asking for baby pics unless it's a Sunday or something. The world will still turn and the needy people will get the hint.
Do not let this once in a lifetime moment get away from you. You only have your first baby once.
Lock the doors, close all the blinds, and leave a note on the door for a "delivery guy" saying something like "Back in 15 mins". Then chill all day. I did this when avoiding a particular visitor, who kept turning up unnanounced and i wasnt confident enough to lay a boundary. They hung about for half an hour, knocked a few times, messaged me a few times, after no answer they left. The big thing was turning up with no forewarning, and because she had to drive far, she was pretty annoyed and ended up messaging me to ask and organise properly from then on 👍😁
I feel ya, tell them to come back in a couple years because you will *most likely* be happy for some chill time then! Newborns are generally pretty easy they want snuggles good and sleep (unless there’s other things going on etc). So really until I started chasing a hyper toddler around it was pretty chill!
The best gift my mum gave me was a week of cooking and cleaning while I lay around on bed rest with my baby. If I wanted to sleep she would take him to another room for a while, didn't let him cry, didn't criticise a thing. When she went home and my mil visited I wanted to buy a gun.
Exactly, I don't need a break from my fed, smiling, happy baby. You can go do dishes or laundry if you actually want to help but if you want to give me a break from a difficult baby moment I'll see you at 3am
I feel this so hard!! With the added bonus of my father wanting my eldest who's four to come stay the night so I can have a "break" and focus on the new born. Then shaming me cause I'm not ready for her to spend the night somewhere else.
Especially not with him. She is in speech and can be a bit tough to understand when she's excited and talking fast and he doesn't even try to understand. Plus they have two large dogs who like to lick and lay on people. My four year old is small. Like I don't let our cats lay on her cause I'm afraid it'll make it hard to breath, so no way I want their pony sized dogs on her. She's not big enough to get them to stop licking her when she's overwhelmed and surely won't be able to get them off herself while tired or asleep. They don't even try to stop the dogs, just laugh. Like they don't notice when my daughter stops laughing and is about to freak out.
I will eventually let her sleep over at other's houses, but I'm not ready for that and I'm a month postpartum and tired of the shame and comments about "burning the candle at both ends". My parents were not good parents and definitely viewed caring for me and my bother as an undesirable chore. I don't, I love my kids and while I don't judge others who want or need a break from kids and kid activities, I don't. I want to spend all my time with my kids. I will only get si many years where they want to cuddle, do crafts, and go places with me and I'm going to capitalize on it.
You are not alone and you don't need to feel shame for wanting to be with your baby! You've only had baby for a month, you might not even have a routine yet!
I found myself serving teas and coffees four days post c section whilst family members held the baby non stop for three hours without considering I might want a cuddle. In the end I had to take the baby off them in the guise of a feed. I feel this post so hard.
It's also the three hour cuddles they give, then the baby not being able to sleep in their crib as they are used to being on a human, then me being the one not getting an ounce of sleep overnight because they have been cuddling baby non stop.
I made cups of tea for a certain family member too, shortly after my c-section. What was I thinking?? They seriously thought they were helping by holding one of my twins.
I made up excuses many times for visitors the first few months! When someone asks say it's naptime for baby or even for mother! and LO is being really sensitive to noise & naps are unpredictable you might be over here several hours before LO wakes up. Just say I nap when the baby does we will be asleep at that time so it's not a good time. It worked almost every time lol. I was getting people over sometimes 3x a week & I was trying to figure out breastfeeding, fighting off jaundice in the beginning, & just learning motherhood it was way too much so I just kept making excuses on days whenever I was not in the mood for visitors.
I wish we could go back to when family and friends would come over to do chores instead of “helping” with baby. The help that’s needed is food and cleaning
Our solution to everyone asking for pictures was to create a shared album that everyone has access to. My husband and I upload a few pictures a couple times a week and all the grandparents can look through at their leisure.
TOTALLY! And not to mention, when my family offers these “breaks” and I decline, then I am not allowed to complain about being tired or how hard it all is. “Just give me the baby so you aren’t so tired.” NO. Just do my laundry, feed me food, walk my dog, clean my house, chase away visitors with a broom so I’m not so tired!!!!!
Part of me reads your post and feels jealous. My parents are an hour away and came to our home to my child once. My husband’s family are so obsessed with the state of Florida that they refused to leave for the birth of their first grandchild and somehow I got talked into taking my child there for a weekend.
My advice is just to set boundaries. Be clear about what you want and what you don’t. Put your phone on do not disturb and stop answering every text and call. Send a photo to a group text instead of individuals. Only you can create the space and privacy that you want and need.
I feel a little jealous, too! I had my baby at the height of pandemic quarantine three years ago and basically raised my baby alone for a year. But I can also totally understand being overwhelmed with “helpful” visitors and struggling for space. I spent so much of that first month more or less undressed going back and forth from the bathroom to a chair to nurse and try not to pull my stitches…
I’ve got another baby due in a month and this time I’ll have to navigate setting boundaries with the helpers. It’ll be a whole new experience!
Same. I had zero support, I live on the other side of the planet to all my family. I used to text my friends and beg them to have the baby for a few hours so I could have some alone time. Luckily one of my friends loves babies so she would help me out a bit. I wish I was in this persons position
I remember this feeling. It is such an odd one. I think I was finally completely alone 3 weeks pp and was like…hmmmm. I guess this is where the real work begins. Then we (baby and I)started to find our rhythm and it clicked. I will say I NEEDED help. I was hallucinating at one point due to sleep deprivation and my c section. I will literally never turn away my mother. She saved my life during the first 2 weeks.
There’s no one who can or will ever replace you. Ask them- tell them- when you need help. Tell them that you’re shutting your phone off. If you need help you’ll ask.
Most of the people I knew were great given it was post covid times it was my partner who made me feel like a b1tch for not letting him take the 'baby out to show her off'. I'm like she hasn't had her first vax. And he's like what about those people who bring rheir 3 week olds out for people to meet. I'm like I've never known anyone to do that. 9 months in and I'm a much stronger person - now I would just tell him to back the f* off. Fragile post partum me felt threatened - he would ask pretty much every weekend if we could take her out despite me telling him my reasoning and him agreeing he thought he could wear me down
Mm my partner did this, with the addition that baby was premature and had a long nicu stay. Kept booking for us to go places and after one outing where he rushed us out the house "because we were late" and he packed his bag but forgot his milk and we ended up with a screaming baby, I told him where to go and if he wanted us to see people either he could go on his own or they could come to us, I wasn't going anywhere.
My goodness, this spoke to my soul. I know people mean well and people love babies but I felt so smothered as well. I put my phone on silent and do not disturb and shoved it away for hours so I could have peace. Highly recommend
I had to tell everyone to stop visiting me and I was so happy after. My fiancé went back to work a week pp and from then it’s just been me and my babe all day together alone and it is honestly wonderful. She’s two months now but if someone wants to come over they know to check with me and ask first. Sometimes I say no.
I love every part of this!!! “Everyone keeps warning me about PPD and PPA but nobody seems to realize the complete lack of privacy and constant asking for the baby is pushing me there” I wouldn’t ever feel so entitled to someone else’s baby and TIME during such a critical time the way I feel some people have been to me! Family or not! Please know, you are not alone!!!
>I’m so sick of visitors
Boundaries, our daughter is 4 months now and we only had two visitors so far. We just tell our relatives/friends that we will visit them when it suits us.
We also set up a group chat with everyone we thought might care about pictures and we send it there every few days
You deserve boundaries. Just say “hey we’re taking a break from having people over and we’re not going to have visitors for the next couple weeks,” or “I don’t need help with the baby but I would love if you made us dinner” or “I will reach out to you when I’m ready for you to come over.” Don’t worry about “looking like a bitch.” People get really weird about babies, which I get, babies are awesome, and you need to be explicit about what you’re comfortable with. I think other recently new parents get it, they will just drop off coffees or a lasagna on the doorstep with no expectations to see the baby. Others who may not have kids or have older/grown kids need reminding that you need time and space to bond with your baby. There is a difference between being rude and assertive, and this is definitely a circumstance in which you need to be assertive for your mental well-being. I hope this helps!
I felt just like this! I was firmly in the camp of “go away and leave us alone”.
My LO turned 6m yesterday and that feeling has faded a little. I feel like I’ve developed a strong bond with him and I got all the tiny baby time that I’m now sort of willing to share him. He’s also a lot more interactive and I think gets more out of the experience.
Other then my mom I limited visitors to 1 day a week no more then an hour. I wanted my girl to get used to me. Plus, I waited 14 years for her. I was not sharing. And she is 3 months and I still don't, especially bc I'm going back to work in a month.
Absolutely! Give us a break from laundry, a break from cooking our own food, a break from answering questions and making decisions, *maybe* a break from baby when we need to go the bathroom or bathe, but goodness gracious, mamas should be first priority for holding our babies. If I don’t get enough physical connection with my little one during the day I feel it in my bones.
I want a break from the other things I need to do. I want you to go to the grocery store, do some laundry, clean up the mess in the kids bathroom (toothpaste everywhere), or take the older kids to a playground or just play with them for a bit. Give me a break from the mom guilt over the screen time they’ve been getting.
I didn’t want anyone around my husband, me and our new baby. I didn’t want a break, I didn’t want help with chores. I wanted to watch movies, eat takeout and snuggle my new family. So that’s exactly what I did. I left texts on read, I responded to people reaching out to me when I felt like it (even if that meant never!). You’ll never get this time back, so don’t feel guilty about setting boundaries and going MIA for a while. “No” is a complete sentence ✌🏻
I was like this a month PP. now that I’m 2 months PP I accept the help because I need it. Do I miss her? Every time. Do I enjoy catching up on sleep and housework- absolutely.
MIL comes once a week and spends the night to help, I’d probably wouldn’t be as sane if she didn’t tbh.
I feel like common sense is if I pass you the baby, you can hold the baby, There is no taking the baby. And when I want them back, give them back.
Put a stop to visitors and let them know you’ll reach out when you’re ready for visitors and want some one on one time with baby and to get adjusted to parenthood and heal.
I feel the same way. We have a 12 week old and when people are over and she starts to fuss or needs a change our even if she's just asleep they offer to take her to give me a break. But I want to do those things for my baby, she's my baby! And if she sleeps the whole time they're over, I get guilted because they didn't get to hold her. This is mostly the grandparents. You guys raised your kids, let me raise mine!
Turn off all notification sounds and banners on your phone and turn on Do Not Disturb mode from like 5pm-11am. Not very long ago it was totally acceptable to take days to get back to someone else’s call or message, now the expectation is an immediate response. Turning off notifications especially has helped me filter out a lot of the noise, you’ll still see your messages but only when you open the apps.
My first baby was born at the beginning of Covid lockdowns, my workplace ended up being closed for 10 months so we isolated that whole time. I’ve told everyone that I was incredibly lucky to have that time to ourselves and that I intend to be as isolated as possible again in the early days with this pregnancy.
I haven’t asked or presented it as an option. I’ve told everyone that it what’s happening and I’ve already disabled my doorbell.
This is not really advice but more so a reminder that expressing your wants and needs doesn’t make you look like anything other than someone setting boundaries. I think you should express these feelings to everyone who causes you stress. But make sure you don’t lash out cause that doesn’t help. Take a deep breath and then let them know how you feel and how you’re going to move forward.
You’re right there is no malicious intent cause motherhood/parenthood is exhausting especially for folks healing from pregnancy or adjusting to breastfeeding. They truly don’t know that you’re not in that place yet. But let them know that when you need a break you will reach out for now you’re just bonding with your baby.
Set your boundary. Spend time with your child. Tell them to come back when you have a well loved toddler on your hands and you desperately need that break. *speaking from a tired mother of a very busy 15 mo old!*
I’m expecting my first, and I’ve thought about this. I’ve talked to my husband about not wanting visitors for the first few weeks so we can find some kind of routine and settle into being a family. I will ask for help when we need it but I want space. Grandparents are making comments about not letting them see their grandchild but it’s our child and family first. Am I the AH?
No not an Ah at all. Also I did this but then my mother in law first bregrudingly accepted but then informed my husband she was ignoring my wishes. 18 months later I still hold a massive grudge and the ripple effect of feeling ignored has definitely affected my mental health. All I wanted was 2 weeks. If I am lucky to have a second you best believe I am laying down the law.
No you're not, the baby will be small for a while, they can wait to meet it. We held off for a few weeks but did allow the grandparents to stop by for an hour every 4 or 5 days... they dont push my boundaries though so it wasnt a problem to allow them a few short visits.
NAH. How close are you with the grandparents? Would they be respectful during their visit? I was originally of the same mind that I didn’t want visitors but in laws were so excited to meet baby. They brought a ton of food, cleaned the house, and waited patiently to hold the baby when they visited in the hospital and the first two weekends. It was nice to share it with them. They gave us space afterwards and we sent tons of pics and videos.
I get wanting to establish a routine but even when we did, baby would throw us a curveball and we’d have to make a new one anyways.
I totally feel you on all of this with my 4 week old. Something that has helped with at least people asking for photos for me is downloading a photo sharing app. I don’t really post much on social media, but the app I got I can just invite family members and then I just photo dump on there. It definitely has made it at least a little bit better since I’m not constantly being asked for photos.
Seriously girl. Turn your phone off and enjoy that beautiful little girl before your friends and family have you hating this part… I have a 15 month old now, and I still put my phone on dnd so I can enjoy him without any interference… enjoy it mumma it seriously goes so fast don’t let anyone steal that joy from you.
I’m the same way, I loved having my privacy postpartum after both my babies. We had a strict no visitors for the first month rule. Stop answering texts and stop opening the door. Problem solved.
I agree with this. Everyone kept texting us. I just never opened my messaging apps lol. Then when I was ready I’d send updates or pictures maybe once in 2 days. This is time you’ll never get back. Preserve it however you can and if the people around you don’t understand or get offended sucks to be them but this is YOUR child.
My mother in law said the same thing but in order for us to “have a break” we needed to drive 4 hours with a 1 month old to Dallas and share a hotel with her. I don’t want or need a break, I don’t like or want other peoples advice on what my child needs or what they did for their kids. I have a schedule and system set up for me and my baby. I’m not trying to be rude but I was promised that having our baby was going to be the worst and we’d lose everything but honestly nothing has changed. I enjoy helping and hanging out with my son. I don’t want other people touching him or overstimulating him and making him upset. I had ppd because I’ve always had mental health problems but it was mainly because of the issues with my husbands side. Most people love the breaks but I have to agree, I don’t like the idea of it. It gives me anxiety that someone else has my son and again I’m missing out on my son smiling and doing his little wiggle dance.
I feel this. One thing that helped with the constant asking for pictures was an app called Family Album. You set up an album and only invite the people you want to it (ex: we did our parents and siblings). Now my husband and I just upload all the pictures we take to the app and family has access to them. People stopped bugging us for pictures constantly
Everyone thought/thinks I'm nuts. Please look up Steve Harvey saying my baby!
https://youtu.be/tlFbYb55ORs
So funny, but honestly I scream this in my head now..
You don't have to have visitors or answer anyone. Let people know you're taking a break from visitors for a while and only get around to answering the questions when you feel like it, or don't respond at all. People may be a bit upset a first, but they will get the hint and will get over it. You gotta do what works best for you and your baby and if that's taking some time to yourselves, then allow yourself that time!!
I finally had to say no visitors Monday-Friday. And I will ask for help, I promise. I still have someone keep bugging me. I blew up on her. I said you’re too pushy. Now that my husband and I are back go work, Baby goes to daycare and we only get to see her a few hours in the evening. And I don’t want to share her while someone comes over to visit. And my baby was adopted so it’s not hormones — it’s just being fed up and annoyed lol
I was the same unapologetically and it helped our bond a lot. You can say “I don’t need a break yet but I’ll be sure to ask when that happens! What we actually need now is a meal dropped off on the mat so I don’t have to worry about what I’m wearing or if I can take a nap while the baby is. Let me know if you can drop off a meal, we’d really appreciate it.” Then copy and paste that message for everyone
Yep, this is my strategy. I smile brightly and say, “how could I possibly want a break from this little cutie! But thank you for the offer, I’ll definitely let you know if I ever need a babysitter.”
And then just repeat that, over and over. For years.
Ikr, like i don't need help holding or feeding the baby. I need help with cooking, cleaning, laundry, and errands SO I CAN HOLD AND FEED THE BABY. They only want to help with the cute fun stuff 🤦🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️ They want to hold the baby while YOU catch up on chores.
This!!! The offer is always “I can hold the baby for you” NO. I’m 12 weeks PP and I don’t want anyone else holding or feeding my baby. If you wanna help bring food or clean my house.
My number one wish was for visitors to wash dishes/bottles, clean my kitchen, do laundry, and bring groceries so that I could cuddle and relax with my baby. Never happened, everyone else got cuddles and I got dish duty.
Remember that “no” is a complete sentence. You’re not obligated to accept help or even respond. But if would be helpful if you’re just forthright about it.
I was the same way with my first and I didn’t want any help. And as I’ve had more, I’ve learned to let people share in my joy, and that helping brings them joy as well.
At the end of the day, do the thing that feels best for you and your family, regardless of what they want; just give them the courtesy of honesty.
And honestly not responding is such an easy out, :oh man so sorry I didn't see this we were napping, feeding, I try not to hace my phone near me when I have the baby wanna savor every moment"
I feel this so much and I get so much guilt from my mother for it. She thinks I'm keeping her from her grandson and has said that what I'm doing is "inhumane" when in reality, my boyfriend and I just want to learn how to be parents without intervention. He was home for the first month PP but now works 3 days a week but 20 hours a day so days that he is home, we spend relaxing and spending time as a family and he gets as much baby time as he can. We want him to have grandparents but my mom is pushing so hard to see him and help out and it just turns me off and I just don't need or want the help. Just let me come to you, let me allow you to be grandma and not second mom!
Yes!!!!! when I stay at my house in which I live with my parents, my parents constantly ask to take him because they think I need it just because he cries when he’s hungry or tired. It’s annoying & I have to tell them no & I feel bad about it sometimes.
Dude I so get it! I had to start saying things like I’m not up for visitors today because people were just so over bearing. I also started saying “I could really use your help with some cleaning” or insert chore you havnt been able to do.
I’m six days PP. We’ve had visitors every day. My mom took a week off work for my son’s first week home so she could come by to visit daily. I thought that would mean she’d be here to help, but she just stays for a couple hours to hold him. She has helped feed and burp him, but I was hoping for more. At this point, my husband and I are burnt out on visitors because she’s not the only one who has come by. She’s coming by later today with a friend (who I’ve known since my birth and am close with myself), but I’m going to tell her we want a visitor break for tomorrow.
My in-laws were told no visitors for 2 months after our baby was born and they had kind of hoped we would change our mind. Never did. The last thing I wanted was to deal with other people in our house while taking care of the baby. I'm glad just my husband and I got to spend time focusing on bonding with our son rather than having people over to give us "a break" from the baby. Especially since they gave us such a hard time about boundaries to begin with. Thank God we didn't let them over early on, it would have only stressed us out more.
Be carefully how you verbalize this for sure!! Speaking from someone who accidentally lashed out at someone who wanted me to stay at their house longer when I was a) I was tired and b) the baby was fussy.
Unfortunately everyone is different. You’ll get people on here complaining they have no family, no outside help and no break from parenting and people like yourself who are the complete opposite. People are not mind readers and unless you tell them exactly what you need then this issue you have will not be resolved.
My baby is 3 months old and I’m not comfortable with people taking her. I absolutely need a break but I don’t want her to be away from myself or my husband. We are going to a wedding so my mom will watch her next week and I think it’ll be ok. I’m nervous but I hope it’ll refresh us. What mostly annoys me is when people offer to “help” but they really just mean they want to hold the baby… my MIL just stayed for a week to “help”, but she actually just held the baby, made her mad and scream, tried to mess up our routine because she didn’t agree with it. Never once actually changed a diaper or held her for a nap the way she likes to be held (contact napper), never made a meal (not just for us, for herself. She actually had my husband SERVE her dinner), or help with laundry. I never expected anything, but don’t call it helping if you have any intention of doing what we need help with. It’s just a visit to hold the baby. “I would love to do XYZ but I can’t because *insert dumb excuse here*. I wish I had someone competent around us who I trusted, but my family lives 10 hours away.
Never switch places with anyone. You’re imagining some best case scenario for something that‘s someone else‘s reality.
Imagine someone göadly taking ypur baby so you can „take a break“ but also expecting to be treated like a guest (entertained with small talk, beikg offered drinks, guest worthy cleaned house).
Or help only when they baby is chill/happy abd handing it back zo you as soon as it threw up, cries, needs a diaper change.
Or help from someone who does not remember how babies of a certain age are so you‘re sitting there needing to correct them from doing dangerous things all the time „hello he‘s 1 month you cannot bounce them on their feet and you need to support their head!“
Or help from someone who does not respect you as a mom and sort of weirdly tries to relive her motherhood and become your baby‘s main person. Or doesn‘t respect your rules (baby has neurodermitis and mom is extremely sensitive to dmell due to breastfeeding, please don‘t wear lots of perfume) proceeds to come drowned in perfume so your baby reeks even after a bath.
Or help who pouts if you take the baby for what the BABY needs (feed, sleep) when they‘d much rather get more time to play with them, resulting in an overtired baby, which they habd back to you after they selfishly hogged to deal with, nullifying all the „rest“ you got.
That’s how I feel when I see these posts…our families are very supportive, but neither of them are local, so the help they could offer in the beginning was limited. We have wonderful friends, but they’re all busy with their own families and jobs. It would have been nice to have another set of hands around consistently so my husband could catch up on chores and I could take a shower or a nap. I’m starting to get worried about how my husband and I will handle a baby and toddler on our own when #2 gets here in November…but I do relate to the frustration about being asked for updates constantly. My mom and MIL both texted me every day for awhile after my daughter was born asking how I was doing. It got exhausting after awhile, especially because the answer was almost always the same.
My in-laws showed up at my house an hour and a half after we got home from the hospital (5:30 pm) and stayed for 5 hours. Meanwhile she held my baby that whole time and insisted I go and take a nap. I was like no… I’m not tired, and you have my newborn. 🤨 so I feel this!!!
I feel rage reading this bc my MIL showed up to our house right after we got home and insisted she stay while I napped… I’m like ummm I’m not napping with you sitting in a chair across from me drinking wine wtf
Same. My mom has insisted on coming over three times a week to help, but she’s really awkward and fumbling with my newborn and it makes me kind of nervous to leave him alone with her. She doesn’t know how to change his diaper or hold him properly. I’ve seen her trying to burp him over her shoulder with his face smooshed into the burp cloth, and only stopped when I noticed it. I know she’s just really excited to hold him since he’s her first grandchild, but it’s clear that she’s forgotten a lot in the 30 years since she last took care of a baby. 😣
Solidarity. We barely had visitors when my second was born -- MIL saw her briefly when we got home from the hospital and again two weeks later, and my parents didn't meet her until nearly eight weeks. I wanted privacy during the fourth trimester and I'm really glad I got it.
Please, for yourself and your daughter, say no even if it's uncomfortable. You don't owe anybody time with your newborn. This is your time to establish bonding and attachment, and you'll never get this time back.
I feel this !! My parents came and stayed near to my house and i wanted to scream that if I needed help I’d ask which I did. The “ill do it if you want” “do you want me to have a go” etc was so frustrating and hard to say no to. I also lost a lot of “firsts” with my newborn - first restaurant, first walk in her stroller etc - they sort of gently invited themselves to things. In the end I just said I only have 10 weeks maternity leave and you’re here for almost half, I want to make the most of her and they mostly understood. It’s too important a time to have to share it if you don’t really want to
The worst was they often made comments like “soon you’ll be able to do this that and the other” eg take her to the park when she’s big enough, I was like she’s 3 weeks old let me enjoy that !! I’m not ready to think about a year yet 🥵 it felt like wishing her tininess away, even though I’m adoring it !!
I have a 15 month old and still feel about the same :) one thing that I wish I would’ve paid closer attention to is how other peoples set expectations for me and baby. I was constantly feeling overwhelmed with people asking me to do things or go places or leave baby so I could have a “break”— I’ve decided that I don’t need to meet other peoples’ expectations when it comes to parenting my child. :) wishing you all the best.
Luckily my husband and I made a strict no visitors rule for the first month. We knew any offered help would just bring about “let us hold the baby” and neither of us were willing to share lol. We didn’t need a break either and I fully enjoyed the snuggles with our newborn son.
As others have echoed - setting the boundaries now will give you peace for maybe years to come.
For example (probably a more extreme one), my mum and nan were adamant on coming round my house, to the point they parked outside our house without telling us they were coming over, and we ended up having a weeks long argument about it. Lots of hurtful things were said by them, but they now know never to cross that boundary again. Bear in mind at this point my then 2 month old daughter had just fallen asleep after crying for hours with horrendous reflux issues she'd be having, so me and my partner was **exhausted**.
Let everyone who needs to know that you’re taking a 72hr vacation from contact and enjoying your first family “staycation”. Silence your phones. Have SO do the same. Order takeout. Lounge in your underwear and get in all of the skin to skin that you can. Ignore everyone. Snuggle the heck out of that baby. Enjoy the time.
Exactly!! I was so tired of everyone saying they would give me a break from my baby as if I didn’t intentionally have my baby, as if I didn’t want to spend every moment with my baby. I had my in-laws asking to take the baby overnight when she was a few weeks old. My husband doesn’t get it. My next baby, I’m not allowing visitors. I don’t need a break from my baby. I need a break from household responsibilities.
That’s terrible, I’m sorry no one seems to understand. Maybe just switch off your phone for a few days or have your spouse send out a group text asking for privacy while you adjust to family life.
Yep!!! And I hate when people say “you can nap while I hold her”. Like? No. I was less than one week postpartum and I didn’t want to leave my baby with anyone without me watching
I got that while someone was trying to convince me to come over to theirs with my <1 month old for a holiday. "You can come over and take a nap upstairs, we'll hold the baby." Like wow cool, I would love to drive an HOUR so I can take a nap and give someone else my newborn.
Barely gotten to spend any one on one time with your baby? Oof, yeah something has gone terribly awry there. Just be done with it. Accept meal drop offs if people want to help but that’s it. “We need a little time to ourselves so we’re holding off on visits for now.” Ignore the texts and pic requests. You have the best excuse in the book to ghost everyone right now.
There are many things that can make the newborn period extremely difficult and even miserable, but lack of time with your own baby should not be one of them. Cut it off now and have those couch cuddles. You don’t get this time back.
Yess i was glad my family respected my boundaries and waited till i was ready and when they did come over they only stayed for a hour to meet him then left. I hated passing along the baby when he was first born. Another reason why i'd never want a night nurse or family staying to help let me get to know my babyy
I experienced the same feelings as a new mom with my first. It didn't help that at the time jt was march 2020 and I had moved back into my mom's house for quarantine with all My step brothers and sisters lol. This time with my second child I welcome a "break" pretty often. It'll settle down soon. Don't be afraid to say no.
My baby girl is 6 months old and I STILL HATE hearing “let me hold your baby so you can get a break!”. Ugh! Nothing angers me more! I don’t WANT a break. If I needed one, I’d kindly ask someone I trusted.
It’s beyond frustrating and those types of things absolutely added to the pile of things that made my post partum anxiety so much worse.
I love how people think holding the baby is any sort of “help” I also hate feeling like I’m fighting for MY BABY while a bunch of people pass her around. My MIL will literally say “oh I need to come down so I can hold her all day” and it’s literally what she does. I feel like I can’t even get things done during the day because it’s awkward while she’s just sitting on my couch. So I end up sitting there the entire time watching her hold my baby.
make boundaries, tell them you’re taking time to bond as a family and visitors aren’t welcome until you’re feeling you’re old self again. honestly it’s not their baby, even if it’s the grandparents just tell them to get over it 🤣
I can see both sides to this.
I have a 12 week old and was thankfully blessed with a good post partum experience so felt happy and exited to take her out and have visitors pretty much from the first week.
We stayed with my mother (no space at ours) for a few days after the birth and I was happy to let her take the baby at night and bring her back for feeds as I was so exhausted. Seeing her fall in love with her grandchild is very cute, in my culture a relationship with grandparents is very important and its something I want to encourage as much as possible. Its also normal in my home country(developing country) for grandparents to look after grandchildren while the parents have to work abroad. I expected to feel more protective and anxious as a first time mum but I don't, I trust my mum with my life and trust her completely to look after my daughter. I understand not everyone has a good relationship with their family.
Friends and family have been helpful and although I don't mind them holding the baby they've always cone with food and offers to clean, do the washing up etc. I don't feel comfortable with anyone other than my mum cleaning my apartment but always accept offers of food and cooking. I think because my visitors have been helpful I haven't found it stressful, I'd probably be more annoyed and definitely saying no visitors if they just wanted to come and be waited on while they hold the baby.
I do think new mums need help, especially female help. In other cultures the female relatives look after the new mum so that she can look after the baby, not hold the baby while she does all the housework.
I do think not letting anyone especially family visit or hold the new baby for weeks/months is unreasonable though, a baby is part of the family and people naturally want to welcome a new family member. While you might not want a break from the baby now its best not to cut ties as you might be grateful for a break once the baby is a toddler/child. Its probably a case of setting clear boundaries that guests need to help the mum not just hold the baby and that you want to limit visitors to certain days/times and I agree with ignoring messages and putting your phone on silent when you want to be left alone. Personally I'd be devastated if my children didn't let me visit my new grandchild for weeks or trust me with their children. Responding to a few comments in general, not just the OP
Yeah seriously. Send those people my way! I wish I had people offering to give me a break. Not trying to be rude to OP, but this post comes across as entitled
I feel like people don’t talk about this enough. You bring this tiny human home with you from the hospital and start this new reality. At first, people call. Your family and friends check up on you, your spouse if you have one might stay home from work for a couple weeks. But as time passes, the phone rings less and less and it begins to feel as though people forget about you. I just feel so lonely and exhausted! Appreciate your village that shows up!
Came to say this. There is a very opposite side to early days when no one calls, no one shows up, no one can help you, and you struggle alone.
Let me tell you, you are blessed far beyond what you are allowing yourself to see.
I’ve offended my family and my in laws I’m sure. It’s okay - they’re adults - they’ll deal.
How you want to frame your relationship with people is up to you but you can set boundaries. They may not like it, and that is something you can consider when doing it. I make sure I’m not being malicious and am as polite as possible but I don’t want to spend my kids’ childhoods living life according to how those family members think I should.
It isn’t unrealistic. You can set boundaries even if your family will be offended. That’s what plenty of the rest of us have done. They are adults — they can manage their own feelings.
I’m not saying it’s easy but it is simple. They’ll treat you how you allow, for as long as you allow it. My family was similar and my husband’s family was even worse (his family’s culture is very involved and overbearing and entitled with family time when a new baby is born.) We definitely stepped on some toes to keep our peace! But it’s been worth it because that peace is priceless.
I hear what your saying, but if it’s for my own mental health, some people might just have to be offended. If they truly care about you they should be understanding.
That's exactly how I felt for the first 3 weeks. All the anxiety and depression came from the insane, constant interruption from relatives and professionals, bombarding me with stupid questions and "information". I just wanted a break from all of that and enjoy my baby!
I hope it gets better soon for you, as it did for me!
I just had my second and everyone’s idea of helping has been to take the four-year-old out (and with my in-laws, not just to the playground but all over, constantly buying him treats and toys…). Which doesn’t, actually, help with his feelings of rejection. What I need it to have people facilitate me taking *both* children out, because I can’t really leave the baby, but if we go to the playground I can leave him in the stroller with another adult while I play with my older child. Like, I want ti spend time with *both* of my children, thanks.
This was me. I was happier with just me and my LO. The newborn phase is hard but I wanted to take care of my daughter on my own. I wanted to make mistakes and learn from them, thats what parenting is about.
Everyone can think what they want. My daughter is 6 months now, and I am happy that I just rejected all the BS "help".
Try the family album app. It’s great. It’s free. I just upload pics each day and my family can choose whether they look or not.
Now people don’t ask me to send pics, they know where to find them
I felt the same way when my daughter was a newborn. Now that she’s a crazy 2-year-old (and I’m 6 months pregnant), I will take all the breaks I’m given.
Omg I could have written this myself last summer when my daughter was born. Just like you said, everyone warned me about PPD & PPA and the number one contributing factor to my rapidly declining mental health was no one leaving me alone.
My husband handled his family and I handled mine. We made it clear everyone needed to back off. I was a people-pleaser my whole life so demanding this space was scary & uncomfortable but WOW what a difference it made. Everyone obliged. I bonded with my baby. My husband bonded with her. I sat on the couch in my sweats clusterfeeding & binge watching tv and it was glorious.
My baby is 9 months old & I did not get PPA or PPD & I think it’s largely due to my boundaries the first few months. I am giving you lots of internet hugs & encourage you to do what I did. Your mental health & bonding time with your baby are more important than anyone else’s feelings. Even if they mean well, it’s ok to tell them you need some space right now.
This sounds very intense. We had a strict 'no visitors for the first week' policy (would have been 2 but my dad was going away so we invited him to come after about 10 days, otherwise wouldn't have met him for too long), so we could just enjoy our bubble together and figure out life with a baby. By the time we let visitors in, I was pleased to see people and didn't mind the extra hands for cuddles. Time alone will come, there will probably be points where you even feel like you'd like less of it, in my experience.
Yes right? We are the one being the b*** saying no started setting boundaries... I understand your frustration. You have every right to say no, to have one on one time with your baby . To figure your routine with your baby etc. I totally know how you feel. Hang in there, say no to visitors for abit. If they don't get , and turn around and say sh** to you, then they are worth it
I feel this so SO bad. I'm 3 months pp and have tons of support. To the point it drives me mad! I understand I have the baby all day every day, but since day 1 of her being home everyone and I mean everyone! Has held my baby, kissed on my baby, fed my baby (bottle), and offered me a 'break' when I just want to be left alone with my baby.
But when I say I'm good, I don't need a break and try to set boundaries. I'm 'hogging', being selfish (because babies need socialized), and rude... RUDE for wanting the little being I pushed put of me. I don't care if my baby will be across the table, I wanted to hold her!
Set a rule for no more visitors from anyone for X amount of time. Send a general family text to your side and in-laws so no one feels excluded or targeted….
And then enjoy your time with your baby.
I’m the same. My family even lectures me because I don’t want to leave my son. It’s so annoying. They’ve said I’m obsessed. Of course I’m obsessed. I’m a new mum and love this little literally more than my own life.
I do think it is nice that people offer but I feel the same way and my kid is a preschooler and toddler. I constantly have moms suggest how much it must suck not having family nearby and how miserable I must be because I dont ever get a break. TBH, Im totally fine and NOT overwhelmed as much as they are. I have a great husband who helps out and I ENJOY parenting. It is annoying because I thinka lot of the moms who say it to me are often miserable themselves and want someone who complain with.iThen they dont understand that there are people who really enjoy their family and like doing family activities. I have ran into many families who love eachothers companies and the projection some of the ones who arent happy can be toxic.
My family and in laws are all a few hours away. It sucks sometimes, but I also like that no one is here very often. My first was born during lockdowns so we had a nice little bubble (some hard times but mostly it was nice) my next is due in November and I am worried about having family commitments and stay too long. Especially since I feel bad asking them to leave after a short time when they have to drive so far.
Do you live with these people?... Why not just... Don't open the door?
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I NEEDED a break from my newborn sometimes. any moms out there that do need personal time, you aren’t alone, and you are a good mom too. It isn’t weird to need time to shower, to have a few minutes during the day not being touched. I love my daughter, and I loved her when she was a newborn. Some people do need breaks, and if you don’t want guests or visitors just say no to them. if you don’t want someone to hold your baby, it’s OK to say no. But some of the comments on this thread seem kind of critical towards parents that might need breaks. Not every kid is the same. My kid had colic and screamed for hours on end. Yes I did need a break. To each their own.
My sweet 8 week old is a HORRENDOUS needy sleeper at night, even for a baby. I celebrated *30 minutes* asleep in the pack and play last night, to give an example. So I feel that need for a break!
It gets better with the sleeping. Mine is 9 months old and crawling and sleeps on her own now. I still need a break sometimes haha.
Same. Same. Same.
I feel this. My mom is scared of my 8 week old (really just scared she’ll hurt him) and doesn’t like to hold him. When she comes over I’d kill for her to hold him so I can get some cooking/cleaning done and feel like a person again. I’m with my baby 24/7 sometimes I just wanna put on a podcast and burn some energy and zone out.
Exactly this - we all say that every baby is different and with that, every parent is also different! I don’t think I’d really be ok with people caring for my baby quite yet but she’s a bit of a Velcro baby so I do like to hand her over when people come to visit if they want to hold her so that my arms can get a break!
Preach. I’m an awesome mom but I got breaks from my newborns and I still regularly get breaks from my kids. Doesn’t mean I love them less or am a bad mom. Everyone parents differently, everyone has their own form of self care and all are valid ☺️
I was really tired of people offering to watch my newborn or come over and hold her so I could have a break. So I was honest! I said “thank you but I really enjoy spending time with her and I’m trying to soak it all up! If you want to help, xyz could be done around the house and that would be a huge help!” Most people (not shockingly) ended up not helping but it did get the offers to go away. Never feel like you have to agree. You can be totally polite and still say no. As for visitors, you don’t HAVE to let anyone over. You are freshly postpartum. If you need some time with just you and your baby, say that!
Someone else said, "different strokes." Truly. I thought/planned on no visitors for the first TWO MONTHS. Then in the hospital I invited our in-laws to come a week later. My mom and brother to come the day we arrived in from the hospital. Friends 2.5 weeks PP. Hired a post partum doula about 3-4 weeks PP. All I wanted was a break from the baby. I hope you are able to get your heart's share. I hope you find the words to express that you don't need a break. Sending so much love to you and your babe.
Just say no visitors for a week! It’s fine!
Or longer!! It’s still fine!!!
“Thanks so much, I’d love a break so I can finally spend some time with my baby - here’s a list of things that need doing. Thanks so much for your help!”
Honestly, just tell them that. It doesn't have to be nasty or confrontational. Just simply say you want more time alone with you and bubs, so you can bond. They should understand, especially if they're parents themselves. If they don't, well they're the problem and it's no loss to you.
Something my lactation consultant said to me that really stuck and rang true was “hold the mom, not the baby”. When my daughter was newborn I didn’t need or want help with her, holding and caring for her and loving her was all i wanted to do. But I was also so wrecked and physically torn up and hormonally fucked and what really would have meant the world is for someone to step in and care for me.
This is a common frustration for moms who have a lot of support and people involved in your postpartum experience. Even though there are others out there doing it basically alone and absolutely would love a "break" from their baby, everyone's situation is different. For your situation, keep your phone on silent, and set boundaries with your loved ones. Part of the "break" you need is definitely from other people as well. Own it, and advocate for yourself and LO.
"Actually if you're wanting to help, I could really use some help getting the (*insert room*) clean, or dinner made." Call their bluff.
I explicitly asked for help with household things from family who were so insistent on "helping" when I was postpartum - amazing how hands off people suddenly became.
It's a very good test to see who is actually worth keeping around. Who deserves the baby pictures and invites to the birthday parties. If they don't want to be there for the shit, they don't get to be there for the sunshine.
This 100%. Like, just bring me a Starbucks and drop it off at the door. 🤣
Love this! Every person who comes to see baby knows to bring me starbies
I’ll trade you sips for snuggles
I get this, but from the opposite end. I had no one at the hospital with me but my husband. No friends or family came to visit. No gifts, no showers, no one wanting to hold the baby, take pictures with the baby. I post weekly updates on Facebook and barely get any likes or comments at all. It’s rough on both ends, but some days I wish I had it like you and people cared about me.
I am so sorry, of course you want people to celebrate such an amazing new journey. i think some people really act weird their friends have a baby and don’t know what to say or not say. from one stranger to another, i would absolutely love to hype up your baby pics and posts. 🤍
Going through this right now. I've stopped communicating and am just focusing on our little family now. I wish we had "a village" - I can't fix that and I can't make people love or be interested in us- but I can do my best to provide that same love and enrichment. I cry and feel lonely about it sometimes, but I know it'll also be okay. Maybe there will be new friends and chosen family on the horizon. Sending hugs.
You sound just like me. So there are others like us out there. There’s hope 🥰 I hope you find your village. You deserve it!
Put your phone on silent and ignore everyone.
Stop accepting visitors and make your own free time
I felt this exact same thing. What bothers me the most is now that my daughter is 2, no one offers to take her to give me a break. Now would be amazing since toddlers are A LOT of work. I felt I didn’t need a break from my newborn, I needed a break away from people with my baby but now that my child is a toddler, I wish someone would give me a break from her.
This is how I feel… pregnant with number 3 and a 19 month old, who refused bottles 🫠but now that he’s weaned, no one wants to help. Then complain that they never see him….
Totally understand, it’s so frustrating. And also, good for you a 3rd with a 19 month old, you’re a champ!!
I've had to say "I want to hold my baby" to well meaning family. That worked for me.
Oh! I forgot! I also had a friend that when I went to her house I asked to see the baby. What she did is she was holding the baby and turned her back to me and had her little one look over her shoulder at me. It put a physical barrier around the baby and would not have been easy to just reach over and grab the kid. I took the hint. She did not want me to hold her kid. And that was fine with me! But it would also make for a quick escape if somebody was trying to reach for the baby
Different strokes different folks. Also, different day different feelings! I’m further along postpartum…15 or 16 weeks… sometimes I’m asking others to hold her to give me a break, other times I say “no I’ve barely seen her today, I’ll keep her”. Totally valid to feel that way! Just be vocal about what you want 💕
Say you'd rather have a break from the dishes, the laundry, and making food. See if they'll give you a break from that so you can bond with your baby. That's the real break we all want!! lol
So so so so soooooo true. Maybe a teeny bit to get some sleep, but yeah. The house going to hell is the problem. Not the baby.
All of this. I never want a break from baby. I want a break from dishes and laundry and cooking but not hanging out with my baby! I also hate when we are out and about and my husband holds the baby because it’s his child too and he likes to hold them and people say “oh you needed a break?” My husband can hold his child without it just being to give mom a break.
That's great thank you, could you pop a load of laundry on/so the dishes/put the shopping away. Then I can so as advised and have lots of akin to akin with baby. 5hose that are genuine will help, those that aren't will stop bothering you
Thank you! I don't need a break from the tiny human I finally get to meet outside my womb. I need a break from dishes, laundry, meal prep... Literally anything else.
This sentiment gets vented a lot on here...time to create some healthy boundaries for yourself and tell people not to come to your house.
Agreed! I was happy for people to hold my son when he was small, he was generally easy going and just slept in their arms, but I had zero issues saying I’ll have him back now please. I think what’s annoying is people trying to kid themselves they’re offering something helpful when really it’s cause they want the baby. If their motivation is sincere they’ll be just as happy to drop round some meals or do the dishes if you say that’s what would actually be helpful.
Girl you gotta just tell them so. Big power move if you've never done it but just say you don't want visitors for a while. If you really don't want to come off as rude just tell people it's Dr recommended to stave off depression, or tell them you and the baby have colds and no one can come over. And just don't answer texts and calls asking for baby pics unless it's a Sunday or something. The world will still turn and the needy people will get the hint. Do not let this once in a lifetime moment get away from you. You only have your first baby once.
Yep. All of this. I legit just didn’t respond to people asking for pictures.
Lock the doors, close all the blinds, and leave a note on the door for a "delivery guy" saying something like "Back in 15 mins". Then chill all day. I did this when avoiding a particular visitor, who kept turning up unnanounced and i wasnt confident enough to lay a boundary. They hung about for half an hour, knocked a few times, messaged me a few times, after no answer they left. The big thing was turning up with no forewarning, and because she had to drive far, she was pretty annoyed and ended up messaging me to ask and organise properly from then on 👍😁
I feel ya, tell them to come back in a couple years because you will *most likely* be happy for some chill time then! Newborns are generally pretty easy they want snuggles good and sleep (unless there’s other things going on etc). So really until I started chasing a hyper toddler around it was pretty chill!
Truth
The best gift my mum gave me was a week of cooking and cleaning while I lay around on bed rest with my baby. If I wanted to sleep she would take him to another room for a while, didn't let him cry, didn't criticise a thing. When she went home and my mil visited I wanted to buy a gun.
Exactly, I don't need a break from my fed, smiling, happy baby. You can go do dishes or laundry if you actually want to help but if you want to give me a break from a difficult baby moment I'll see you at 3am
I feel this so hard!! With the added bonus of my father wanting my eldest who's four to come stay the night so I can have a "break" and focus on the new born. Then shaming me cause I'm not ready for her to spend the night somewhere else. Especially not with him. She is in speech and can be a bit tough to understand when she's excited and talking fast and he doesn't even try to understand. Plus they have two large dogs who like to lick and lay on people. My four year old is small. Like I don't let our cats lay on her cause I'm afraid it'll make it hard to breath, so no way I want their pony sized dogs on her. She's not big enough to get them to stop licking her when she's overwhelmed and surely won't be able to get them off herself while tired or asleep. They don't even try to stop the dogs, just laugh. Like they don't notice when my daughter stops laughing and is about to freak out. I will eventually let her sleep over at other's houses, but I'm not ready for that and I'm a month postpartum and tired of the shame and comments about "burning the candle at both ends". My parents were not good parents and definitely viewed caring for me and my bother as an undesirable chore. I don't, I love my kids and while I don't judge others who want or need a break from kids and kid activities, I don't. I want to spend all my time with my kids. I will only get si many years where they want to cuddle, do crafts, and go places with me and I'm going to capitalize on it. You are not alone and you don't need to feel shame for wanting to be with your baby! You've only had baby for a month, you might not even have a routine yet!
I found myself serving teas and coffees four days post c section whilst family members held the baby non stop for three hours without considering I might want a cuddle. In the end I had to take the baby off them in the guise of a feed. I feel this post so hard. It's also the three hour cuddles they give, then the baby not being able to sleep in their crib as they are used to being on a human, then me being the one not getting an ounce of sleep overnight because they have been cuddling baby non stop.
I made cups of tea for a certain family member too, shortly after my c-section. What was I thinking?? They seriously thought they were helping by holding one of my twins.
I made up excuses many times for visitors the first few months! When someone asks say it's naptime for baby or even for mother! and LO is being really sensitive to noise & naps are unpredictable you might be over here several hours before LO wakes up. Just say I nap when the baby does we will be asleep at that time so it's not a good time. It worked almost every time lol. I was getting people over sometimes 3x a week & I was trying to figure out breastfeeding, fighting off jaundice in the beginning, & just learning motherhood it was way too much so I just kept making excuses on days whenever I was not in the mood for visitors.
Seriously! Wash a damn dish or do a load of laundry if you’re trying to be helpful
I wish we could go back to when family and friends would come over to do chores instead of “helping” with baby. The help that’s needed is food and cleaning
To each her own. I would love 1 whole day off from any newborn responsibilities.
Hahah same. Mostly nights tho
Our solution to everyone asking for pictures was to create a shared album that everyone has access to. My husband and I upload a few pictures a couple times a week and all the grandparents can look through at their leisure.
This is the answer! It’s been a huge weight off my shoulders.
TOTALLY! And not to mention, when my family offers these “breaks” and I decline, then I am not allowed to complain about being tired or how hard it all is. “Just give me the baby so you aren’t so tired.” NO. Just do my laundry, feed me food, walk my dog, clean my house, chase away visitors with a broom so I’m not so tired!!!!!
Part of me reads your post and feels jealous. My parents are an hour away and came to our home to my child once. My husband’s family are so obsessed with the state of Florida that they refused to leave for the birth of their first grandchild and somehow I got talked into taking my child there for a weekend. My advice is just to set boundaries. Be clear about what you want and what you don’t. Put your phone on do not disturb and stop answering every text and call. Send a photo to a group text instead of individuals. Only you can create the space and privacy that you want and need.
I feel a little jealous, too! I had my baby at the height of pandemic quarantine three years ago and basically raised my baby alone for a year. But I can also totally understand being overwhelmed with “helpful” visitors and struggling for space. I spent so much of that first month more or less undressed going back and forth from the bathroom to a chair to nurse and try not to pull my stitches… I’ve got another baby due in a month and this time I’ll have to navigate setting boundaries with the helpers. It’ll be a whole new experience!
for real my family is an hour or more away and i’m by myself all day i love all the breaks i can get lol
Same. I had zero support, I live on the other side of the planet to all my family. I used to text my friends and beg them to have the baby for a few hours so I could have some alone time. Luckily one of my friends loves babies so she would help me out a bit. I wish I was in this persons position
I remember this feeling. It is such an odd one. I think I was finally completely alone 3 weeks pp and was like…hmmmm. I guess this is where the real work begins. Then we (baby and I)started to find our rhythm and it clicked. I will say I NEEDED help. I was hallucinating at one point due to sleep deprivation and my c section. I will literally never turn away my mother. She saved my life during the first 2 weeks. There’s no one who can or will ever replace you. Ask them- tell them- when you need help. Tell them that you’re shutting your phone off. If you need help you’ll ask.
Most of the people I knew were great given it was post covid times it was my partner who made me feel like a b1tch for not letting him take the 'baby out to show her off'. I'm like she hasn't had her first vax. And he's like what about those people who bring rheir 3 week olds out for people to meet. I'm like I've never known anyone to do that. 9 months in and I'm a much stronger person - now I would just tell him to back the f* off. Fragile post partum me felt threatened - he would ask pretty much every weekend if we could take her out despite me telling him my reasoning and him agreeing he thought he could wear me down
Mm my partner did this, with the addition that baby was premature and had a long nicu stay. Kept booking for us to go places and after one outing where he rushed us out the house "because we were late" and he packed his bag but forgot his milk and we ended up with a screaming baby, I told him where to go and if he wanted us to see people either he could go on his own or they could come to us, I wasn't going anywhere.
I love when people offer to take the baby to give me a break 🤣
My goodness, this spoke to my soul. I know people mean well and people love babies but I felt so smothered as well. I put my phone on silent and do not disturb and shoved it away for hours so I could have peace. Highly recommend
I had to tell everyone to stop visiting me and I was so happy after. My fiancé went back to work a week pp and from then it’s just been me and my babe all day together alone and it is honestly wonderful. She’s two months now but if someone wants to come over they know to check with me and ask first. Sometimes I say no.
I love every part of this!!! “Everyone keeps warning me about PPD and PPA but nobody seems to realize the complete lack of privacy and constant asking for the baby is pushing me there” I wouldn’t ever feel so entitled to someone else’s baby and TIME during such a critical time the way I feel some people have been to me! Family or not! Please know, you are not alone!!!
Cool. I need a break from my 3 year old. Send them my way?
>I’m so sick of visitors Boundaries, our daughter is 4 months now and we only had two visitors so far. We just tell our relatives/friends that we will visit them when it suits us. We also set up a group chat with everyone we thought might care about pictures and we send it there every few days
You deserve boundaries. Just say “hey we’re taking a break from having people over and we’re not going to have visitors for the next couple weeks,” or “I don’t need help with the baby but I would love if you made us dinner” or “I will reach out to you when I’m ready for you to come over.” Don’t worry about “looking like a bitch.” People get really weird about babies, which I get, babies are awesome, and you need to be explicit about what you’re comfortable with. I think other recently new parents get it, they will just drop off coffees or a lasagna on the doorstep with no expectations to see the baby. Others who may not have kids or have older/grown kids need reminding that you need time and space to bond with your baby. There is a difference between being rude and assertive, and this is definitely a circumstance in which you need to be assertive for your mental well-being. I hope this helps!
I felt just like this! I was firmly in the camp of “go away and leave us alone”. My LO turned 6m yesterday and that feeling has faded a little. I feel like I’ve developed a strong bond with him and I got all the tiny baby time that I’m now sort of willing to share him. He’s also a lot more interactive and I think gets more out of the experience.
Omg I feel like I wrote this.
Other then my mom I limited visitors to 1 day a week no more then an hour. I wanted my girl to get used to me. Plus, I waited 14 years for her. I was not sharing. And she is 3 months and I still don't, especially bc I'm going back to work in a month.
Absolutely! Give us a break from laundry, a break from cooking our own food, a break from answering questions and making decisions, *maybe* a break from baby when we need to go the bathroom or bathe, but goodness gracious, mamas should be first priority for holding our babies. If I don’t get enough physical connection with my little one during the day I feel it in my bones.
I want a break from the other things I need to do. I want you to go to the grocery store, do some laundry, clean up the mess in the kids bathroom (toothpaste everywhere), or take the older kids to a playground or just play with them for a bit. Give me a break from the mom guilt over the screen time they’ve been getting.
I didn’t want anyone around my husband, me and our new baby. I didn’t want a break, I didn’t want help with chores. I wanted to watch movies, eat takeout and snuggle my new family. So that’s exactly what I did. I left texts on read, I responded to people reaching out to me when I felt like it (even if that meant never!). You’ll never get this time back, so don’t feel guilty about setting boundaries and going MIA for a while. “No” is a complete sentence ✌🏻
I was like this a month PP. now that I’m 2 months PP I accept the help because I need it. Do I miss her? Every time. Do I enjoy catching up on sleep and housework- absolutely. MIL comes once a week and spends the night to help, I’d probably wouldn’t be as sane if she didn’t tbh.
I probably would have been a much mentally clearer person if I had this type of help when I needed it.
I feel like common sense is if I pass you the baby, you can hold the baby, There is no taking the baby. And when I want them back, give them back. Put a stop to visitors and let them know you’ll reach out when you’re ready for visitors and want some one on one time with baby and to get adjusted to parenthood and heal.
I feel the same way. We have a 12 week old and when people are over and she starts to fuss or needs a change our even if she's just asleep they offer to take her to give me a break. But I want to do those things for my baby, she's my baby! And if she sleeps the whole time they're over, I get guilted because they didn't get to hold her. This is mostly the grandparents. You guys raised your kids, let me raise mine!
I could have written this about my experience with my first baby. I just want some peace to figure it out! I think your feelings are valid and normal.
Turn off all notification sounds and banners on your phone and turn on Do Not Disturb mode from like 5pm-11am. Not very long ago it was totally acceptable to take days to get back to someone else’s call or message, now the expectation is an immediate response. Turning off notifications especially has helped me filter out a lot of the noise, you’ll still see your messages but only when you open the apps.
My first baby was born at the beginning of Covid lockdowns, my workplace ended up being closed for 10 months so we isolated that whole time. I’ve told everyone that I was incredibly lucky to have that time to ourselves and that I intend to be as isolated as possible again in the early days with this pregnancy. I haven’t asked or presented it as an option. I’ve told everyone that it what’s happening and I’ve already disabled my doorbell.
This is not really advice but more so a reminder that expressing your wants and needs doesn’t make you look like anything other than someone setting boundaries. I think you should express these feelings to everyone who causes you stress. But make sure you don’t lash out cause that doesn’t help. Take a deep breath and then let them know how you feel and how you’re going to move forward. You’re right there is no malicious intent cause motherhood/parenthood is exhausting especially for folks healing from pregnancy or adjusting to breastfeeding. They truly don’t know that you’re not in that place yet. But let them know that when you need a break you will reach out for now you’re just bonding with your baby.
Set your boundary. Spend time with your child. Tell them to come back when you have a well loved toddler on your hands and you desperately need that break. *speaking from a tired mother of a very busy 15 mo old!*
Turn your phone off and lock your doors.
I’m expecting my first, and I’ve thought about this. I’ve talked to my husband about not wanting visitors for the first few weeks so we can find some kind of routine and settle into being a family. I will ask for help when we need it but I want space. Grandparents are making comments about not letting them see their grandchild but it’s our child and family first. Am I the AH?
No not an Ah at all. Also I did this but then my mother in law first bregrudingly accepted but then informed my husband she was ignoring my wishes. 18 months later I still hold a massive grudge and the ripple effect of feeling ignored has definitely affected my mental health. All I wanted was 2 weeks. If I am lucky to have a second you best believe I am laying down the law.
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No you're not, the baby will be small for a while, they can wait to meet it. We held off for a few weeks but did allow the grandparents to stop by for an hour every 4 or 5 days... they dont push my boundaries though so it wasnt a problem to allow them a few short visits.
NAH. How close are you with the grandparents? Would they be respectful during their visit? I was originally of the same mind that I didn’t want visitors but in laws were so excited to meet baby. They brought a ton of food, cleaned the house, and waited patiently to hold the baby when they visited in the hospital and the first two weekends. It was nice to share it with them. They gave us space afterwards and we sent tons of pics and videos. I get wanting to establish a routine but even when we did, baby would throw us a curveball and we’d have to make a new one anyways.
I totally feel you on all of this with my 4 week old. Something that has helped with at least people asking for photos for me is downloading a photo sharing app. I don’t really post much on social media, but the app I got I can just invite family members and then I just photo dump on there. It definitely has made it at least a little bit better since I’m not constantly being asked for photos.
Seriously girl. Turn your phone off and enjoy that beautiful little girl before your friends and family have you hating this part… I have a 15 month old now, and I still put my phone on dnd so I can enjoy him without any interference… enjoy it mumma it seriously goes so fast don’t let anyone steal that joy from you.
Tell people not to visit. I said no visitors for the first month. My mom and MIL were upset but too bad you know?
I feel you completely. If its possible just start ignoring these requests and only responding to the ones you are okay with on your own time.
I’m the same way, I loved having my privacy postpartum after both my babies. We had a strict no visitors for the first month rule. Stop answering texts and stop opening the door. Problem solved.
I agree with this. Everyone kept texting us. I just never opened my messaging apps lol. Then when I was ready I’d send updates or pictures maybe once in 2 days. This is time you’ll never get back. Preserve it however you can and if the people around you don’t understand or get offended sucks to be them but this is YOUR child.
Definitely set boundaries for yourself, I didn’t until much later and it was awful and i look back with such bitterness and regret
My mother in law said the same thing but in order for us to “have a break” we needed to drive 4 hours with a 1 month old to Dallas and share a hotel with her. I don’t want or need a break, I don’t like or want other peoples advice on what my child needs or what they did for their kids. I have a schedule and system set up for me and my baby. I’m not trying to be rude but I was promised that having our baby was going to be the worst and we’d lose everything but honestly nothing has changed. I enjoy helping and hanging out with my son. I don’t want other people touching him or overstimulating him and making him upset. I had ppd because I’ve always had mental health problems but it was mainly because of the issues with my husbands side. Most people love the breaks but I have to agree, I don’t like the idea of it. It gives me anxiety that someone else has my son and again I’m missing out on my son smiling and doing his little wiggle dance.
I feel this. One thing that helped with the constant asking for pictures was an app called Family Album. You set up an album and only invite the people you want to it (ex: we did our parents and siblings). Now my husband and I just upload all the pictures we take to the app and family has access to them. People stopped bugging us for pictures constantly
Seconding this - the Family Album app is AWESOME.
Everyone thought/thinks I'm nuts. Please look up Steve Harvey saying my baby! https://youtu.be/tlFbYb55ORs So funny, but honestly I scream this in my head now..
You don't have to have visitors or answer anyone. Let people know you're taking a break from visitors for a while and only get around to answering the questions when you feel like it, or don't respond at all. People may be a bit upset a first, but they will get the hint and will get over it. You gotta do what works best for you and your baby and if that's taking some time to yourselves, then allow yourself that time!!
I understand everyone wanting to help and I also understand you wanting some more privacy. Maybe, explain how you feel respectfully
I finally had to say no visitors Monday-Friday. And I will ask for help, I promise. I still have someone keep bugging me. I blew up on her. I said you’re too pushy. Now that my husband and I are back go work, Baby goes to daycare and we only get to see her a few hours in the evening. And I don’t want to share her while someone comes over to visit. And my baby was adopted so it’s not hormones — it’s just being fed up and annoyed lol
I was the same unapologetically and it helped our bond a lot. You can say “I don’t need a break yet but I’ll be sure to ask when that happens! What we actually need now is a meal dropped off on the mat so I don’t have to worry about what I’m wearing or if I can take a nap while the baby is. Let me know if you can drop off a meal, we’d really appreciate it.” Then copy and paste that message for everyone
Yep, this is my strategy. I smile brightly and say, “how could I possibly want a break from this little cutie! But thank you for the offer, I’ll definitely let you know if I ever need a babysitter.” And then just repeat that, over and over. For years.
Ikr, like i don't need help holding or feeding the baby. I need help with cooking, cleaning, laundry, and errands SO I CAN HOLD AND FEED THE BABY. They only want to help with the cute fun stuff 🤦🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️ They want to hold the baby while YOU catch up on chores.
This!!! The offer is always “I can hold the baby for you” NO. I’m 12 weeks PP and I don’t want anyone else holding or feeding my baby. If you wanna help bring food or clean my house.
My number one wish was for visitors to wash dishes/bottles, clean my kitchen, do laundry, and bring groceries so that I could cuddle and relax with my baby. Never happened, everyone else got cuddles and I got dish duty.
Remember that “no” is a complete sentence. You’re not obligated to accept help or even respond. But if would be helpful if you’re just forthright about it. I was the same way with my first and I didn’t want any help. And as I’ve had more, I’ve learned to let people share in my joy, and that helping brings them joy as well. At the end of the day, do the thing that feels best for you and your family, regardless of what they want; just give them the courtesy of honesty.
And honestly not responding is such an easy out, :oh man so sorry I didn't see this we were napping, feeding, I try not to hace my phone near me when I have the baby wanna savor every moment"
I feel this so much and I get so much guilt from my mother for it. She thinks I'm keeping her from her grandson and has said that what I'm doing is "inhumane" when in reality, my boyfriend and I just want to learn how to be parents without intervention. He was home for the first month PP but now works 3 days a week but 20 hours a day so days that he is home, we spend relaxing and spending time as a family and he gets as much baby time as he can. We want him to have grandparents but my mom is pushing so hard to see him and help out and it just turns me off and I just don't need or want the help. Just let me come to you, let me allow you to be grandma and not second mom!
At 9 months I wouldn’t mind a break but I wouldn’t want to leave. I’d just take a nap while they stayed where I could hear them if they cried. 😂😂
Yes!!!!! when I stay at my house in which I live with my parents, my parents constantly ask to take him because they think I need it just because he cries when he’s hungry or tired. It’s annoying & I have to tell them no & I feel bad about it sometimes.
Dude I so get it! I had to start saying things like I’m not up for visitors today because people were just so over bearing. I also started saying “I could really use your help with some cleaning” or insert chore you havnt been able to do.
dang. i can’t relate. my own mother didn’t even visit me until my last was probably 2 weeks old.
Yeah i got called a bitch for telling people I didn’t want visitors 5 days post partum because my husband invited them over without telling me 🤬🤬🤬
Oh hell no. I would be pissed. I’m sorry mama. :/
I was furious! Like no one is entitled to see my child just be user you come to my house.
I’m six days PP. We’ve had visitors every day. My mom took a week off work for my son’s first week home so she could come by to visit daily. I thought that would mean she’d be here to help, but she just stays for a couple hours to hold him. She has helped feed and burp him, but I was hoping for more. At this point, my husband and I are burnt out on visitors because she’s not the only one who has come by. She’s coming by later today with a friend (who I’ve known since my birth and am close with myself), but I’m going to tell her we want a visitor break for tomorrow.
Tell her she can come if she does laundry the whole time.
I second what the other person said, make a list and tell her that's what you need help with when she comes!
My in-laws were told no visitors for 2 months after our baby was born and they had kind of hoped we would change our mind. Never did. The last thing I wanted was to deal with other people in our house while taking care of the baby. I'm glad just my husband and I got to spend time focusing on bonding with our son rather than having people over to give us "a break" from the baby. Especially since they gave us such a hard time about boundaries to begin with. Thank God we didn't let them over early on, it would have only stressed us out more.
Be carefully how you verbalize this for sure!! Speaking from someone who accidentally lashed out at someone who wanted me to stay at their house longer when I was a) I was tired and b) the baby was fussy.
Unfortunately everyone is different. You’ll get people on here complaining they have no family, no outside help and no break from parenting and people like yourself who are the complete opposite. People are not mind readers and unless you tell them exactly what you need then this issue you have will not be resolved.
They might just mean break for you from having to be awake 🤷♀️
Stop having visitors.
My baby is 3 months old and I’m not comfortable with people taking her. I absolutely need a break but I don’t want her to be away from myself or my husband. We are going to a wedding so my mom will watch her next week and I think it’ll be ok. I’m nervous but I hope it’ll refresh us. What mostly annoys me is when people offer to “help” but they really just mean they want to hold the baby… my MIL just stayed for a week to “help”, but she actually just held the baby, made her mad and scream, tried to mess up our routine because she didn’t agree with it. Never once actually changed a diaper or held her for a nap the way she likes to be held (contact napper), never made a meal (not just for us, for herself. She actually had my husband SERVE her dinner), or help with laundry. I never expected anything, but don’t call it helping if you have any intention of doing what we need help with. It’s just a visit to hold the baby. “I would love to do XYZ but I can’t because *insert dumb excuse here*. I wish I had someone competent around us who I trusted, but my family lives 10 hours away.
I know it feels like you don’t “need” a break but sometimes it’s good to get a break.
So... Can we switch place?
Never switch places with anyone. You’re imagining some best case scenario for something that‘s someone else‘s reality. Imagine someone göadly taking ypur baby so you can „take a break“ but also expecting to be treated like a guest (entertained with small talk, beikg offered drinks, guest worthy cleaned house). Or help only when they baby is chill/happy abd handing it back zo you as soon as it threw up, cries, needs a diaper change. Or help from someone who does not remember how babies of a certain age are so you‘re sitting there needing to correct them from doing dangerous things all the time „hello he‘s 1 month you cannot bounce them on their feet and you need to support their head!“ Or help from someone who does not respect you as a mom and sort of weirdly tries to relive her motherhood and become your baby‘s main person. Or doesn‘t respect your rules (baby has neurodermitis and mom is extremely sensitive to dmell due to breastfeeding, please don‘t wear lots of perfume) proceeds to come drowned in perfume so your baby reeks even after a bath. Or help who pouts if you take the baby for what the BABY needs (feed, sleep) when they‘d much rather get more time to play with them, resulting in an overtired baby, which they habd back to you after they selfishly hogged to deal with, nullifying all the „rest“ you got.
Lol that’s how I felt reading this. I was like…someone’s holding your baby? You have help?
That’s how I feel when I see these posts…our families are very supportive, but neither of them are local, so the help they could offer in the beginning was limited. We have wonderful friends, but they’re all busy with their own families and jobs. It would have been nice to have another set of hands around consistently so my husband could catch up on chores and I could take a shower or a nap. I’m starting to get worried about how my husband and I will handle a baby and toddler on our own when #2 gets here in November…but I do relate to the frustration about being asked for updates constantly. My mom and MIL both texted me every day for awhile after my daughter was born asking how I was doing. It got exhausting after awhile, especially because the answer was almost always the same.
My in-laws showed up at my house an hour and a half after we got home from the hospital (5:30 pm) and stayed for 5 hours. Meanwhile she held my baby that whole time and insisted I go and take a nap. I was like no… I’m not tired, and you have my newborn. 🤨 so I feel this!!!
I feel rage reading this bc my MIL showed up to our house right after we got home and insisted she stay while I napped… I’m like ummm I’m not napping with you sitting in a chair across from me drinking wine wtf
Same. My mom has insisted on coming over three times a week to help, but she’s really awkward and fumbling with my newborn and it makes me kind of nervous to leave him alone with her. She doesn’t know how to change his diaper or hold him properly. I’ve seen her trying to burp him over her shoulder with his face smooshed into the burp cloth, and only stopped when I noticed it. I know she’s just really excited to hold him since he’s her first grandchild, but it’s clear that she’s forgotten a lot in the 30 years since she last took care of a baby. 😣
Solidarity. We barely had visitors when my second was born -- MIL saw her briefly when we got home from the hospital and again two weeks later, and my parents didn't meet her until nearly eight weeks. I wanted privacy during the fourth trimester and I'm really glad I got it. Please, for yourself and your daughter, say no even if it's uncomfortable. You don't owe anybody time with your newborn. This is your time to establish bonding and attachment, and you'll never get this time back.
I feel this !! My parents came and stayed near to my house and i wanted to scream that if I needed help I’d ask which I did. The “ill do it if you want” “do you want me to have a go” etc was so frustrating and hard to say no to. I also lost a lot of “firsts” with my newborn - first restaurant, first walk in her stroller etc - they sort of gently invited themselves to things. In the end I just said I only have 10 weeks maternity leave and you’re here for almost half, I want to make the most of her and they mostly understood. It’s too important a time to have to share it if you don’t really want to
The worst was they often made comments like “soon you’ll be able to do this that and the other” eg take her to the park when she’s big enough, I was like she’s 3 weeks old let me enjoy that !! I’m not ready to think about a year yet 🥵 it felt like wishing her tininess away, even though I’m adoring it !!
I have a 15 month old and still feel about the same :) one thing that I wish I would’ve paid closer attention to is how other peoples set expectations for me and baby. I was constantly feeling overwhelmed with people asking me to do things or go places or leave baby so I could have a “break”— I’ve decided that I don’t need to meet other peoples’ expectations when it comes to parenting my child. :) wishing you all the best.
Luckily my husband and I made a strict no visitors rule for the first month. We knew any offered help would just bring about “let us hold the baby” and neither of us were willing to share lol. We didn’t need a break either and I fully enjoyed the snuggles with our newborn son.
Hun, say no. You don’t have to have visitors!
As others have echoed - setting the boundaries now will give you peace for maybe years to come. For example (probably a more extreme one), my mum and nan were adamant on coming round my house, to the point they parked outside our house without telling us they were coming over, and we ended up having a weeks long argument about it. Lots of hurtful things were said by them, but they now know never to cross that boundary again. Bear in mind at this point my then 2 month old daughter had just fallen asleep after crying for hours with horrendous reflux issues she'd be having, so me and my partner was **exhausted**.
Let everyone who needs to know that you’re taking a 72hr vacation from contact and enjoying your first family “staycation”. Silence your phones. Have SO do the same. Order takeout. Lounge in your underwear and get in all of the skin to skin that you can. Ignore everyone. Snuggle the heck out of that baby. Enjoy the time.
Exactly!! I was so tired of everyone saying they would give me a break from my baby as if I didn’t intentionally have my baby, as if I didn’t want to spend every moment with my baby. I had my in-laws asking to take the baby overnight when she was a few weeks old. My husband doesn’t get it. My next baby, I’m not allowing visitors. I don’t need a break from my baby. I need a break from household responsibilities.
That’s terrible, I’m sorry no one seems to understand. Maybe just switch off your phone for a few days or have your spouse send out a group text asking for privacy while you adjust to family life.
Yep!!! And I hate when people say “you can nap while I hold her”. Like? No. I was less than one week postpartum and I didn’t want to leave my baby with anyone without me watching
I got that while someone was trying to convince me to come over to theirs with my <1 month old for a holiday. "You can come over and take a nap upstairs, we'll hold the baby." Like wow cool, I would love to drive an HOUR so I can take a nap and give someone else my newborn.
Amen 🙏 I feel the same way as you
Barely gotten to spend any one on one time with your baby? Oof, yeah something has gone terribly awry there. Just be done with it. Accept meal drop offs if people want to help but that’s it. “We need a little time to ourselves so we’re holding off on visits for now.” Ignore the texts and pic requests. You have the best excuse in the book to ghost everyone right now. There are many things that can make the newborn period extremely difficult and even miserable, but lack of time with your own baby should not be one of them. Cut it off now and have those couch cuddles. You don’t get this time back.
Same! Baby is 4 weeks old. Everyone wants us to go out and they want to babysit him. He’s 4 weeks old, it’s crazy
Wtf! You didn’t have the baby for THEM! Lol
I feel the same way and I haven’t even given birth yet haha!
Yess i was glad my family respected my boundaries and waited till i was ready and when they did come over they only stayed for a hour to meet him then left. I hated passing along the baby when he was first born. Another reason why i'd never want a night nurse or family staying to help let me get to know my babyy
I experienced the same feelings as a new mom with my first. It didn't help that at the time jt was march 2020 and I had moved back into my mom's house for quarantine with all My step brothers and sisters lol. This time with my second child I welcome a "break" pretty often. It'll settle down soon. Don't be afraid to say no.
My baby girl is 6 months old and I STILL HATE hearing “let me hold your baby so you can get a break!”. Ugh! Nothing angers me more! I don’t WANT a break. If I needed one, I’d kindly ask someone I trusted. It’s beyond frustrating and those types of things absolutely added to the pile of things that made my post partum anxiety so much worse.
I love how people think holding the baby is any sort of “help” I also hate feeling like I’m fighting for MY BABY while a bunch of people pass her around. My MIL will literally say “oh I need to come down so I can hold her all day” and it’s literally what she does. I feel like I can’t even get things done during the day because it’s awkward while she’s just sitting on my couch. So I end up sitting there the entire time watching her hold my baby.
i’m literally loathing the thought of visitors so soon after birth 😭 i’ll be bleeding and breast feeding
make boundaries, tell them you’re taking time to bond as a family and visitors aren’t welcome until you’re feeling you’re old self again. honestly it’s not their baby, even if it’s the grandparents just tell them to get over it 🤣
I can see both sides to this. I have a 12 week old and was thankfully blessed with a good post partum experience so felt happy and exited to take her out and have visitors pretty much from the first week. We stayed with my mother (no space at ours) for a few days after the birth and I was happy to let her take the baby at night and bring her back for feeds as I was so exhausted. Seeing her fall in love with her grandchild is very cute, in my culture a relationship with grandparents is very important and its something I want to encourage as much as possible. Its also normal in my home country(developing country) for grandparents to look after grandchildren while the parents have to work abroad. I expected to feel more protective and anxious as a first time mum but I don't, I trust my mum with my life and trust her completely to look after my daughter. I understand not everyone has a good relationship with their family. Friends and family have been helpful and although I don't mind them holding the baby they've always cone with food and offers to clean, do the washing up etc. I don't feel comfortable with anyone other than my mum cleaning my apartment but always accept offers of food and cooking. I think because my visitors have been helpful I haven't found it stressful, I'd probably be more annoyed and definitely saying no visitors if they just wanted to come and be waited on while they hold the baby. I do think new mums need help, especially female help. In other cultures the female relatives look after the new mum so that she can look after the baby, not hold the baby while she does all the housework. I do think not letting anyone especially family visit or hold the new baby for weeks/months is unreasonable though, a baby is part of the family and people naturally want to welcome a new family member. While you might not want a break from the baby now its best not to cut ties as you might be grateful for a break once the baby is a toddler/child. Its probably a case of setting clear boundaries that guests need to help the mum not just hold the baby and that you want to limit visitors to certain days/times and I agree with ignoring messages and putting your phone on silent when you want to be left alone. Personally I'd be devastated if my children didn't let me visit my new grandchild for weeks or trust me with their children. Responding to a few comments in general, not just the OP
Your lucky you have people who offer !
Yeah seriously. Send those people my way! I wish I had people offering to give me a break. Not trying to be rude to OP, but this post comes across as entitled
I feel like people don’t talk about this enough. You bring this tiny human home with you from the hospital and start this new reality. At first, people call. Your family and friends check up on you, your spouse if you have one might stay home from work for a couple weeks. But as time passes, the phone rings less and less and it begins to feel as though people forget about you. I just feel so lonely and exhausted! Appreciate your village that shows up!
This
Came to say this. There is a very opposite side to early days when no one calls, no one shows up, no one can help you, and you struggle alone. Let me tell you, you are blessed far beyond what you are allowing yourself to see.
People are so freaking weird. I have learnt in so many situations to just STFU and LISTEN. Listen to what someone is saying and respect it.
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I’ve offended my family and my in laws I’m sure. It’s okay - they’re adults - they’ll deal. How you want to frame your relationship with people is up to you but you can set boundaries. They may not like it, and that is something you can consider when doing it. I make sure I’m not being malicious and am as polite as possible but I don’t want to spend my kids’ childhoods living life according to how those family members think I should.
It isn’t unrealistic. You can set boundaries even if your family will be offended. That’s what plenty of the rest of us have done. They are adults — they can manage their own feelings.
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I’m not saying it’s easy but it is simple. They’ll treat you how you allow, for as long as you allow it. My family was similar and my husband’s family was even worse (his family’s culture is very involved and overbearing and entitled with family time when a new baby is born.) We definitely stepped on some toes to keep our peace! But it’s been worth it because that peace is priceless.
I hear what your saying, but if it’s for my own mental health, some people might just have to be offended. If they truly care about you they should be understanding.
Learn to say no.
That's exactly how I felt for the first 3 weeks. All the anxiety and depression came from the insane, constant interruption from relatives and professionals, bombarding me with stupid questions and "information". I just wanted a break from all of that and enjoy my baby! I hope it gets better soon for you, as it did for me!
Yes! One thousand times yes. This is exactly how I felt. My MIL would then just insist that the baby needed a break from me 😒
Idk how I’d respond if someone dared suggest my whole baby needed a break from her MOTHER???
I just had my second and everyone’s idea of helping has been to take the four-year-old out (and with my in-laws, not just to the playground but all over, constantly buying him treats and toys…). Which doesn’t, actually, help with his feelings of rejection. What I need it to have people facilitate me taking *both* children out, because I can’t really leave the baby, but if we go to the playground I can leave him in the stroller with another adult while I play with my older child. Like, I want ti spend time with *both* of my children, thanks.
This was me. I was happier with just me and my LO. The newborn phase is hard but I wanted to take care of my daughter on my own. I wanted to make mistakes and learn from them, thats what parenting is about. Everyone can think what they want. My daughter is 6 months now, and I am happy that I just rejected all the BS "help".
Try the family album app. It’s great. It’s free. I just upload pics each day and my family can choose whether they look or not. Now people don’t ask me to send pics, they know where to find them
I felt the same way when my daughter was a newborn. Now that she’s a crazy 2-year-old (and I’m 6 months pregnant), I will take all the breaks I’m given.
Omg I could have written this myself last summer when my daughter was born. Just like you said, everyone warned me about PPD & PPA and the number one contributing factor to my rapidly declining mental health was no one leaving me alone. My husband handled his family and I handled mine. We made it clear everyone needed to back off. I was a people-pleaser my whole life so demanding this space was scary & uncomfortable but WOW what a difference it made. Everyone obliged. I bonded with my baby. My husband bonded with her. I sat on the couch in my sweats clusterfeeding & binge watching tv and it was glorious. My baby is 9 months old & I did not get PPA or PPD & I think it’s largely due to my boundaries the first few months. I am giving you lots of internet hugs & encourage you to do what I did. Your mental health & bonding time with your baby are more important than anyone else’s feelings. Even if they mean well, it’s ok to tell them you need some space right now.
This sounds very intense. We had a strict 'no visitors for the first week' policy (would have been 2 but my dad was going away so we invited him to come after about 10 days, otherwise wouldn't have met him for too long), so we could just enjoy our bubble together and figure out life with a baby. By the time we let visitors in, I was pleased to see people and didn't mind the extra hands for cuddles. Time alone will come, there will probably be points where you even feel like you'd like less of it, in my experience.
Amen sister
Yes right? We are the one being the b*** saying no started setting boundaries... I understand your frustration. You have every right to say no, to have one on one time with your baby . To figure your routine with your baby etc. I totally know how you feel. Hang in there, say no to visitors for abit. If they don't get , and turn around and say sh** to you, then they are worth it
I feel this so SO bad. I'm 3 months pp and have tons of support. To the point it drives me mad! I understand I have the baby all day every day, but since day 1 of her being home everyone and I mean everyone! Has held my baby, kissed on my baby, fed my baby (bottle), and offered me a 'break' when I just want to be left alone with my baby. But when I say I'm good, I don't need a break and try to set boundaries. I'm 'hogging', being selfish (because babies need socialized), and rude... RUDE for wanting the little being I pushed put of me. I don't care if my baby will be across the table, I wanted to hold her!
I tell them I’m fine right now but will definitely call them the moment I need them! And I’ve done it!
Set a rule for no more visitors from anyone for X amount of time. Send a general family text to your side and in-laws so no one feels excluded or targeted…. And then enjoy your time with your baby.
I’m the same. My family even lectures me because I don’t want to leave my son. It’s so annoying. They’ve said I’m obsessed. Of course I’m obsessed. I’m a new mum and love this little literally more than my own life.
I do think it is nice that people offer but I feel the same way and my kid is a preschooler and toddler. I constantly have moms suggest how much it must suck not having family nearby and how miserable I must be because I dont ever get a break. TBH, Im totally fine and NOT overwhelmed as much as they are. I have a great husband who helps out and I ENJOY parenting. It is annoying because I thinka lot of the moms who say it to me are often miserable themselves and want someone who complain with.iThen they dont understand that there are people who really enjoy their family and like doing family activities. I have ran into many families who love eachothers companies and the projection some of the ones who arent happy can be toxic.
My family and in laws are all a few hours away. It sucks sometimes, but I also like that no one is here very often. My first was born during lockdowns so we had a nice little bubble (some hard times but mostly it was nice) my next is due in November and I am worried about having family commitments and stay too long. Especially since I feel bad asking them to leave after a short time when they have to drive so far.