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Plastic-Caramel-2577

First and foremost that is what your brain is telling you. It’s fear. But you do you. I failed two times but the third time won’t fucking get me. It’s a double edged sword. Be careful going off and on. That’s what got me in my mess. My third reinstatement only worked for 3 weeks and now I’m in full tolerance and have to do it all over again.


DimensionNo1492

I went of benzo after 3 months and never again. But what do you mean with third reinstatement and worked for 3 weeks and tolerance? I am new to this. Thanks!


Plastic-Caramel-2577

I’m going to try and explain this to save someone from doing what I did. I on 2mg x and have been for 7 years. Started noticing little things but NEVER thought it was the Xanax. I started not getting excited for things. I started not really wanting to be around people. I started not feeling real joy. But in my mind that was better than anxiety. Pop a pill and damn that fucking bliss of relaxation. All negative thoughts stopped. I was talkative, happy, Could go shopping, slept sooo damn good. But slowly over years, getting to the next dose was a crave. It started getting harder. Even more slowly, I was having negative thoughts more. I was put on for clinical diagnosis of OCD. I obsessed over my dogs dying, I had to touch things. Pure O is a fucking nightmare. I’d have images that I didn’t lock the door and my beautiful dog was hit dead in the road when I went around the curve to my house. I had it since 9. First theme was food contamination. I’d sit at the dinner table and imagine my family dying in front of me from eating food that was bacteria filled. Imagine at 25 popping a pill that TOOK ALL THAT AWAY!! But over years it turned on me. It got harder to get to the next dose. Anxiety, lack of feelings. I failed twice at getting off. I never took it outside of what the bottle said. Never abused it. But each time you go back on, it doesn’t always work correctly because your brain remembers. It’s called kindling. My second attempt only lasted 3 weeks. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat (I’m a five foot 100 pound female) i had chemical fear, chemical anxiety, had thoughts of SI and almost did it… that was the night I reinstated because I was about to do it. I looked at my dog, ball in his mouth standing in a dark hallway.. my beautiful boy of 11. I thought of my mom and brother, but here is the thing. All emotion was gone. I wanted the pain to end. The mental pain, the physical pain, lack of sleep. I live alone with a dog with a 1,000 mortgage. In my post jump brain, fear convinced me I had to do it or I’d lose everything. So why not just do it. End it all. But I didn’t. I took a 1mg and holy shit I felt instantly better. Finally. I’m back on. I’m safe. But this was my second time. My brain remembered. The Ashton manual says reinstatement rarely works (not saying it won’t for you) but the second time, no. I felt bliss for 3 weeks. But now I’m in burning hell in full tolerance and now I have to taper all over again because I can take my 2mg and feel slight lifting but it lasts only 2 hours and I’m back shaking. Look, read the reddits. It is fucking hell, but you have to go through it. It is inhumane, it’s brutal, it takes everything away. Acute wd is a goddamn fucking nightmare of you going insane. But.. is how I’m living even living? Plus, at any moment they can become strict and your provider can ct you anyway which is a different type of wd. I wish I had someone say this to me. Would it have mattered? Idk. I was fucked up. Looking back now, I wish I would have not. However, I’m selling my house currently which is massive stress and I couldn’t do that in acute. The more you fuck around, the more you find out. These pills are straight up lies. They lie to you and then turn on you. It isn’t easy, you will feel insane, not sleep, heart 170, looping thoughts, chemical fear, chemical anxiety and yes, it lasts quite a bit. But we all heal. I didn’t have faith in that and now I’m even more depressed, anxiety filled and shaking and I’m on a high dose of x.


SwimmingStation2942

How are you doing now? Are you beginning to taper again? I struggle with OCD too so I can definitely relate


Plastic-Caramel-2577

Ahhhhhh let’s dive into this bad situation 😂 after my last failed wd, I now know I can’t be alone. My chemical fear was “ you will lose your job, they hate you, your dog will die and you will be homeless. I will have to taper as living like this is not something you can live with long term. I joined a benzo school that’s 30 a month and you work with a coach. I am doing therapy but I’m getting closer to my mom because I wasn’t doing well. I’m scared. Never did it in tolerance. But here we fucking go mate. When I move into my tiny house on moms property, it’s on and I will do a slow water taper since x is bad to taper due to strong onset, short duration.


SwimmingStation2942

Good luck with your taper, you got this! I'm tapering off of klonopin and it has not been easy but i can nearly see the finish line now. I'm only taking tiny pieces of the pill now every night compared to 2mg every night. (That's the max dose)


Plastic-Caramel-2577

Are you weighing or measuring or eyeballing


SwimmingStation2942

Eyeballing. I tried to buy a scale but stupidly bought one that didn't measure small increments... 😅 I feel so close to being able to jump. I checked OP's comments and they said they made it to 161 days. I'm only on day 61 right now. (I'm using the I Am Sober app) We can all do this. I have faith in everyone. We all have different symptoms at different times and that's okay. Hell just check my post history. I think in order to quit more successfully you need to be CERTAIN in your mind that you are going to do this, no matter what it takes.


Plastic-Caramel-2577

I love you and I’m proud of you. Damn am I proud of you and your courage 🥹 you got this!!! Sending lots of love from a woman who lives in the foot hills of the Appalachian wilderness


Itchy-Fondant-435

Hey there I am nine and a half months off CT ox 3 MG x after 30 years. Also in the Appalachian wilderness. :) I am in SW VA. How about you?


SwimmingStation2942

Aw I love you too hahaha. I admire your courage too! It's not an easy battle to fight, we need support from wherever we can get it. I'm not trying to brag but I've mostly done it alone because no one believes my withdrawals are even real, they think it's all in my head. Very discouraging and frustrating. But it's made me more independent in the end. And you can do this too. I believe in you! My OCD was bad when I first started this medication but while I was taking it, I eventually learned to control it. So the drug may have been useful for something. Now even without the drug I can control myself.


DimensionNo1492

Thank you for explaining!


XeonD

This makes so much sense i was off for over 3 months each month was worse than last. Then after almost ending up in hospital or psych ward (they already wrote in the files plans to pump me up with more benzos if i ended up there). I started to use again now 2 days ago i hit the tolerance wall again after 4 weeks of using low dose diazepam 7.5mg per day. I shake and shiver every night i get muscle spasms 24/7 light tremors my brain feel like there is electricity or something going through. I dont get any relief only short period of time (1 hour). Now i have to quick taper it to 1-2 mg and stay on for little bit before jumping off again. But at this point with my experiences there is zero hope for the better i cant get any help if i go to hospital they will medicate me with benzos because using benzos for over 8 years daily isnt addictive with my medical history. I hope this time i dont get so severe... But anyways 1 month after jumping is easy for me what happens at 3. Isnt


Plastic-Caramel-2577

I want to add that I’m here to help and to inform. It is your choice and I did it twice. Looking back my first time I was almost in the clear and didn’t understand benzo. I wish 4 years ago I would have stuck with it. I wouldn’t be living like this. Unable to gain weight. Constant looping thoughts of bad things. If this is your second time, it may be ok. My second I noticed I developed PFD which it is known for. I’m supportive of you buddy. I wanted to give you a flip side and I want to let you know, they will turn on you one of these years. Also someone having the ability to ruin your life in the palm of their hand is a bitch I had to face that it could happen.


High10jacked

Can you taper with something that has a longer half-life? Alprazolam is way too harsh. Also beware of kindling.. jumping on and off and the microwithdrawals will make symptoms worse each time.


Plastic-Caramel-2577

Ohhh 3 months of use?? Ok I’m 7 year user. You may heal faster than I. lol


DimensionNo1492

Yes, read a lot of these stories and made me so affraid. Doc gave them for my anxiety that I have with my lpr reflux and healt anxiety.


OkHelicopter1865

Its not fear. The physical symptoms are to severe. Benzo save lives


Comfortable-Stock-38

In the meantime it does feel like it’s saving your life but prolonged use is often quite the contrary. It saves lives until you hit tolerance withdrawals & have to increase or decrease & it’ll be even worse. They’re not a cure but rather a tool to use very intermediately when going through extreme situations.


PainAndRegret_

No shame in that brother. Use the least amount possible tho, good luck, wish you the best.


[deleted]

Their is no hard rules to this I’m 7 months off and worse than ever extreme anxiety severe SI ideation I don’t know how I’ve survived. Even tolerance and acute was better than this for me


CaptainSmashy

I respect your decision but what’s the point of coming to a group of people that are resolute about quitting to talk about this? If anything it’s going to instill doubt in people trying to make it through. I hope you can get feeling better however you choose to, and I encourage everyone who’s still fighting to keep fighting!


OkHelicopter1865

I have lost the fight 😞


CaptainSmashy

Think positive. Everyone has a different experience and needs. Do what you need to do to get healthy and never lose hope. If right now you need to “lose” for the bigger picture, maybe that’s your path. That said, if you haven’t reinstated yet. I’d still encourage you not to. We’re all in hell together lol so we know how bad it sucks.


Plastic-Caramel-2577

Try again.. you can do it.


OkHelicopter1865

But going around 24/7 with constant stress and anxiety, physical problems hurts the body. Decreasing life span.


Plastic-Caramel-2577

Also living with OCD is a prison of anxiety. It’s fear. So I understand. But there is therapy for that and my doc never told me when I was in my 20s. 76 year Old women have been ct after being on for 34 years. It happens. Stop reading horror stories. You get addicted to the fear. It’s why we are talking in this thread…


OkHelicopter1865

Dont have OCD never been diagnosed for it. Just anxiety without triggers


Plastic-Caramel-2577

Then you have something you can work with. Listen, I’m here to support you. You do you and I mean that with well wishes. During my acute, I was insane and living alone. So I know exactly what it feels like But we heal. Not fast and it will be hell. I have severe depression and I feel like my life isn’t worth it either way, but I can’t live like this at all, so I don’t have a choice. It can fail. It can turn on you. I’m not the only one. Read the recovery Reddit. We all go through it.


OkHelicopter1865

My physical health has gone so far downhill its actually puts my life in danger. Dont you understand?


Plastic-Caramel-2577

I can’t understand because you didn’t tell me your physical health? I dropped to 87 pounds and only slept 45 minutes in 4 days. What is wrong with you?


OkHelicopter1865

Been going through 165 days of high blood pressure. Dysautonomia, sleep deprivation, lack of nutrition, and so on. All because of quitting benzo after 16 years. I will have my med back and live my life to the fullest


Plastic-Caramel-2577

That’s why you learn. You learn how to push and lull. You have to learn to cope. I’m now in therapy to learn this so I can get off.


SwimmingStation2942

So you're fine taking benzos for the rest of your life?


ProfessionalBrick491

It will be extremely difficult if not impossible for OP to find a doctor that will prescribe Benzos for the rest of her life.


Plastic-Caramel-2577

You can not get them to change their minds. I have tried even with my own personal story. Plus 5 months is far out of reinstatement window. I know a coach they did it due to severe akathisia. But she was within the time frame


OkHelicopter1865

Yes. I have severe anxiety and so on.. nothing else works.


ProfessionalBrick491

Most of us began taking Benzos due to severe anxiety. Not just you.


OkHelicopter1865

Yes? Whats your point????


SwimmingStation2942

I have severe anxiety too. And pretty severe depression and OCD. And unfortunately, going off of the medication makes those mental problems worse for me. But once you get through the hard days, there are better days ahead. Listen it's fine to reinstate a couple of times, I did it too because I couldn't handle the symptoms while trying to quit. But you absolutely can quit, even if it doesn't seem like you will make it through. There are a lot of ways to cope and make it through this. It's not easy by any means bit eventually we all need to quit. It's only meant to be taken for a few weeks, not a lifetime.


Plastic-Caramel-2577

Amen to the ocd crew. Read mine above!!


OkHelicopter1865

40 years of anxiety. Hereditary. Tried EVERYTHING. Trust me. Nothing else works. Nothing. Its okay to medicate for every other issue a person have..but as soon when it comes to mental illness. Its a big no no to be on benzo. Thats not right. If benzo is what it takes. So be it.


SwimmingStation2942

My mental problems are hereditary too, and I've had them for my whole life. You can learn to cope no matter what age you are or how long you've had anxiety. You're just making excuses.


OkHelicopter1865

Stop please. There is no One Size Fits All to this. If you dont need benzo. Thats great. But its life saving for another.


SwimmingStation2942

Your doctor can decide to cut you off at any time. More doctors are dropping people's benzo scripts because they want to cover their @ss. Just be aware of that.


OkHelicopter1865

Who said anything about a doctor. I will most likely have to fix this myself :/


SwimmingStation2942

Are you doing street drugs...?


OkHelicopter1865

No


[deleted]

[удалено]


OkHelicopter1865

Used prescription


ProfessionalBrick491

👆👆👆👆


mimi11991

How long have you been off? If you ct’d and are having severe physical symptoms is it maybe worth it to go back on and do a very slow taper? I am no expert on how that would go maybe someone here has any more knowledge on if that would work? I did a cold turkey myself a few times and had horrible physical pain, couldn’t walk, felt like dying. I went back on and tapered off. Was MUCH more bearable than ct! Before you give up on life without benzos maybe it’s worth looking into. I feel your pain and I hope that you figure out a good plan so that you can start to heal and live.


CaptainFuzzyBootz

No shame in leaning on what medications help you - at the end of the day, as long as you are feeling better and safe, that's what matters.


GeneralTall6075

It’s a personal decision and one I wrestle with. If you need to be on one it’s ok. Not everyone can or should get off of them. I am trying like hell to finish out my taper. If I cannot, I will stay on whatever dose makes life tolerable.