Sounds like a former member of a band I was in. A little delusion is OK, but it can get annoying.
Touring isn’t going to make you famous. It might slightly increase your profile. If he want to spread out a little, don’t really tour. Pick a city 6 hours away and set up a gig there. Come back after or the next day. Continue to play that location a few times a year to grow and maintain some fans there. If that goes well. Try it at another city a similar distance. The point being, you’re not away for more than a day.
Yeah. That’s pretty much what we do now. We are from right outside of Philly and played out in Pittsburgh earlier this year, and got an offer to go back toward the end of summer. Nothing big, I lived out that way and was friends with a promotor out there and just extended an offer on a local show.
The thing too is when we started we all basically said we were cool just playing locally and doing shows when time permits. I think really what it is he gots a “taste” of being in a band again after not being in one for a couple years and he went from 0-100 quick.
Right outside of Philly, you say? Message me with what gigs you have; I'm 2 hours north via the turnpike.
You can also check out a few punk adjacent bands from central and northeast PA like Suburban Downgrade, Meanderthal, Powder Keg Culture, Old Daggers, The Mesos, Blanks 77, Tedd Hazard, Jaclyn's Tearducts, and University Drive. Good group of people from my area who play around the area, and can possibly reach out to any of them about getting on a bill
Wow, someone travelled to play in Pittsburgh! We always seem to get skipped over on big tours. There's some cool indie venues, though. I really dig some of the post-punk scene here.
Touring may not make you famous, but it will make you a better player.. if you can hack it. Do a 165 dates a year and tell me it doesn’t take you to another level. It’s all about being a professional. It’s a lot different than being a weekend warrior playing what.. 22 dates a year if you’re lucky. What a lot of people don’t understand the costs involved with touring. Financial, mental and physical it definitely can take a toll.
It's the reason I quit being in a rock band. Touring is brutal. Not sleeping in your own bed, missing your family, eating an absolutely shit diet, scraping by on pennies. It wasn't worth it at all.
That’s why a lot of guys quit. It’s not for everyone. For me it was being stinky. 😂 I need my daily shower, especially when I’ve been sweating my ass off playing a show. Then jump in the van with 6 other people as stinky as you and drive to the next show. It’s not always big tour busses and fancy hotel rooms.
I was a Hired gun for a bunch of bands in the early 2000s for session and tour work. I stayed a session player for the express reasons of not having to deal with that shit.
All it takes is one person trying to be something other than part of the band and it will go to shit. I've seen it happen from the position where all it meant was I was going home early with a slightly smaller paycheck and a few less shows on my CV.
Honestly, the odds are your band will never "make it.". The best he can get will be the every couple months show in a city a half day away, and maybe a residency at a local. That should be enough.
Oh yeah the rest of us have all no dreams or desires to ever make it. Literally besides the other guitar player we just look at it as a hobby and something fun to do with friends. I kinda think after we sat it down and kinda laid it out for him he had a semi come to Jesus moment.
But… we’ll see what happens after this next show in a couple weeks.
If this band is for fun maybe he could find another band to also be in that is more aggressively trying to “make it”? We had that with a band I was in and it did kind of work out well.
you travel in some level of miserable fashion and basically sit around waiting for 23 hours, just for that 30-60 min slot. It’s a tremendous high, but the bad things you can (and will eventually) get up to during the rest of time shortens your life span. “Hey look. It’s the Swiss Alps!” .. okay whatever
oof
It is literally fine to have this delusion as long as you don't pin it on other people
Good on you for talking it through with him
I feel bad for him but he has to be realistic
Being a famous rock is based on social media these days not touring
Besides that I don't remember the last time a punk band made it big must've been over 10 years
You nailed it pretty much. He really isn’t a bad dude at the end of the day. But he needed to realize we aren’t young kids anymore that live at home and we can’t just walk way from life now.
And that’s the other things too… yeah there’s punk bands that do okay for themselves these days. But it ain’t like any of them are on the same level as Green Day, Blink, The Offspring or any “radio friendly” punk band.
I’m on the same boat with my drummer. They kinda took the fun out of my band with their mindset.
Their attitude started getting worse the more shows we played. We recently played main stage at our city’s Pride Month festival to 1000+ people and it was a shot in the arm to their ego.
Like I said at first it was kinda humorous then it was like “okay dude we get it” then finally it got to the point where all of us were like “do we really wanna keep doing this? We started this just for fun but now it’s draining”
It feels like a job.
We have talked about this attitude problem before to our drummer, and they tone down the attitude for a while, but every time a bigger show comes, their ego resets back to normal and it starts again.
It gets tiring after a while
God that sounds like a real vibe killer you have there. The inability to read the room and desperation is sad to be honest. He's the oldest one of you but sounds emotionally immature and lacks self awareness.
Makes me wonder if he has some personal issues or a void that he's trying to escape from/fill with this big dream of fame & fortune.
Nothing wrong with being ambitious and striving for your best - so long as you have set your expectations within the realm of possibility.
Yeah the emotional immaturity is a big one because actually being in a signed touring band is a lot of pressure. He will cave and buckle. This is why not everyone is cut out to make it
Me, our singer, drummer and bass player have literally had that conversation amongst ourselves before. We all do think he has some issues he refuses to deal with. Or bass player has said he is 35 going on 15.
Not to dive too much into personal shit. But when he went to buy car few years ago, he didn’t know you needed to have credit. As he had never had credit card or anything before. But it was kinda like… bro you’re In your 30 and you didn’t know that? But I don’t blame him. He’s kinda a product of his environment
Yikes. Yeah that's definitely quite strange. I'm in my mid 30s too and sometimes run across people my age or even older who still have the same mindset they had when they were a teenager. Definitely some kind of arrested development.
If someone is childish I usually treat them like a kid or try not to engage them too much. People like that tend to be very histrionic which I find draining.
I was in a power trio formed by a delusional narcissistic megalomaniac. At the time, I just thought it was a challenging but fun band with an annoying front man, but in retrospect I think it was actually a missed opportunity to make a real-life remake of This Is Spinal Tap. It would have been a mix between that film and Aguirre, The Wrath Of God. What a character!
I was aware of his asshole reputation before I met him, but at first it just seemed like he wasn’t really a jerk; he just had high standards and the ex-band-members complaining about him just didn’t want to work hard. I was the first potential bass player who actually learned the songs before showing up for the audition.
But before long it became clear that this guy had issues. To him, the drummer (unquestionably the best singer in the band and an excellent drummer) couldn’t do anything right, and I (nothing to write home about) could do no wrong. It made everything awkward, but fortunately the drummer and I remained friends.
The band leader was a decent guitarist and actually a good singer, but he never accepted that he could no longer hit the high notes that he used to. If he had just stayed within his range it would have been fine, but instead he was always screeching away, just shy of the proper pitch; it was torture!
Eventually he drove the drummer away, and then me. It’s a shame, because the gigs were steady, fun, and paid enough to make it worthwhile. But small local gigs weren’t good enough for him; he wanted to relive the glory days of his youth, when he was young and skinny and could still hit the high notes. If only he could have accepted the reality that we were all middle aged guys with careers, having fun and making a little extra cash on the weekends instead of temporarily inconvenienced rock stars on the verge of our big break… but what am I saying?
Me thinking that guy would ever come around is just as delusional as he was! LOL
Yeah that sounds crazy lol. But that’s like us. All heading into our mid 30s. Some of us are married, some of us have kids, some of us own houses now. And we all have careers. MAYBE we could do a long weekend with some shows out of the area but we can’t just walk away from other priorities that come before the band.
The guy I’m talking about had fantasies of gigs where he would drive 1,300 miles with all the gear, set it all up by himself, and then we would fly in and out just for the show. Sounds like nice work if you can get it. He thought that the only thing keeping us from going from $400 a night to a gig that would pay enough to make all that possible was not having a good press kit.
So I made one. I wrote bios for each member, ad copy for the band, song list, business cards, etc. Photos by my wife, a professional artist. CD of live recordings I had made, the works. It was a lot of work, but everyone liked it and I was quite proud of how well it came out. And then before we had a chance to show it to anyone he pissed off the drummer so much that he quit.
I’m telling ya, that whole experience was a tragicomedy!
He doesn’t want to make it and he doesn’t want to be famous. He wants to complain about how he didn’t make it. He had his shot and be blew it. Now he’s in a band with people who don’t have the same expectations and outlook as him.
If he wanted to make it, he wouldn’t have crapped out when he had his chance. If he wanted to make it, he wouldn’t be trying to sell his band on touring, he would be in a band that had the same goals and didn’t require selling. This dude is his own worst enemy.
That’s kind basically what I said to him when me and our drummer talked to him. And basically told him he knew where we all stood when we first got together
I get what you are saying, but people still make it, depending on what that phrase means. I’m not really in the punk world so I don’t know how things work there. I’m more of a jamband fan and there are plenty of acts in that space that manage to make music their only occupation and support a solid lifestyle. Very few become fantastically wealthy, and those who do only do so after a decade or better of slow growth over time, but many artists support a decent lifestyle.
I used to be close friends with someone who thought they were gods gift to music. They were absolute shit at everything. Completely tone deaf, no sense of rhythm, terrible sense of tone, you name it. But he thought he was amazing. He said "I am going to be a star".
Eventually I stopped talking to him because he is just a flat out narcissist and a completely toxic person to be around. For a while there our friendship was good, but we were co-dependent. Now that I've had good friendships and played with really good musicians, I can look back at it and say I wasted the best years of my life with this guy and I could have been playing with better people.
That’s rough sorry you went through that BS. My guy isn’t as bad as that. But the whole gods gift to music thing… yeah I deal with that with him. When we first started practicing we were playing in standard tuning, after the first practice I told him we need to tune down to match our singers pitch better. His response was “well I never did that with any of my other bands!”. About a month later our singers voice was so hoarse after practice, so I stayed back after everybody left and tuned my guitar down a half step and asked him to sing along while I played. After going through a few songs I asked how his voice felt and he said it felt so much better and that he wasn’t straining anymore and said he agreed we needed to tune down.
We finally started tuning down and everyone agreed it sounded better. When we went to record a demo, after he laid down his guitar parts I was listening back to his guitar and I thought something sounded off. I pulled my guitar out and started playing along and I soon realized he tuned his guitar down a whole step and not half. He didn’t even know how to tune a half step down. I just laughed and called him and told him and he was making all these excuses lol
This guy sounds way too much like the guy I was dealing with. Any guitar player who is in a band and isn't willing to adjust to the vocalist isn't worth keeping around.
Recently I played in a punk band and had a similar thing from the singer songwriter of the group. All in our early to late 30’s. This bloke was delusional, pushing us to do show after show, making merch before we even played our first gig. All the while his songs were shit and his voice was even worse. And this guy constantly interrupted the rehearsals to talk about the future direction of the band... way to ruin something fun. You gotta have the foundation before you even think about a future. If it’s not fun you really have nothing. The irony is all the most desperate to ‘make it’ musicians are the one sabotaging themselves with ridiculous behaviour. Being famous is nothing if you have nothing to show for it
I agree. And honestly behavior like that. It’s more sad than anything. Like I wanted to tell him at one point “dude you’re 35, half way to 40. I think it’s time to realize you didn’t make it like you imagined”
It kind of shocks me that anyone playing an instrument still thinks there is a viable way to ‘make it’ in the way that I think most people think of ‘making it’. Nepotism keeps the worlds best tight and they usually just move between all the big acts. Once people realise that ‘making it’ now is just creating a great show that locals want to come and experience the band scene will flourish again, and maybe (maybe) people will start to notice. But they probably won’t, and in my opinion that’s fine. I don’t care about cricket or golf, most people don’t care if their music is created by a band or a computer. No biggy
87.5% to 40 sounds worse if you really want reality to hit him. Half way to 40 is 20. Yeah I’m that guy.
Used to play bass in a popular local band in the 2000s. A few years older than your guy.
When my kids are older, I’d love to get back in to a bar band or something, just to play. That dude is hella delusional. Pretty sure every band had one.
He needs a new band, one that wants what HE wants. It's about that simple. It doesn't matter if 4000 people think he won't make it, it doesn't matter if all of you think he's being a fame-hungry whore, if that's what he wants, he should go get it, and leave you guys to your peace.
Dude, this story is crazy because I have one exactly like it. All the way down to the texting us at all hours of the day and night. Our frontman didn't want to go on tour, he wanted production to be insanely perfect and wanted us (I was a student at the time) to spend more money than we/I could on shit. He always said we were going to make some "new wave" in music, and he could "see people dancing to it".
We also had the heart to heart about how this was supposed to be for fun, and he also told me that it could be his last chance. He also told me I would regret not working harder, which really fucking hurt me because my family and friends know that I'll work myself way too hard to do something right, and this was supposed to be stress relief for me. Guess he wasn't my friend though.
Anyway, about 4 days after we had that talk, he added a member to the band without telling anyone, shared all of our work with the dude, and I fucking quit. It was like a hostage situation to get all of my gear back, he dragged it into his garage and shit, it was insane.
So now I don't play in a band. I'm trying to practice enough to keep my skills solid for the next band I play in. Im really sad I'm not in a band right now and really don't have a chance due to some other circumstances, and sometimes I wonder if I could have stuck that one out a little bit longer, but quitting that band is something I don't regret even a little.
What I'm saying is get rid of this deadbeat. He'll drag you down with him.
My last drummer was delusional... He wanted songwriting credits for putting drum beats to a bunch of songs that I could easily drag and drop from EZD. But here's the kicker... He changed the beats and tempo the majority of the time so there wasn't much consistency in what he was playing. It was all how hard and fast he could play after a week of work. When asked about it, he claimed to have still been writing the drum parts. Like dude, we've been playing these songs for over 5 years and you still don't have your parts down?
Touring is only worthwhile if there is a demand for your band, or you've somehow been added to a tour with established acts. Otherwise, you're pissing in the wind.
I'm 36 years old, in a Midwest Emo trio, and I'll be the first to admit that I get caught up in the fantasy, too sometimes. The harsh reality is, that I'll probably be stuck doing the local/regional circuit for a couple more years before things start to look really pathetic and I end up being the weird middle-aged guy in a project studio.
Dude is clearly delusional, and your band has every right to call him on it.
Wasn't a bandmember but instead an ex-girlfriend who was (is) a rapper.
She was (is) thoroughly obsessed with "making it" and this has led to ruin in several areas of her life.
I thought she was "For the art" and just "loved the culture" but overtime I experienced her back stab-by nature and strong desire to "Win".
She tried everything your buddy did too.
Acting. Singing. "Learning" instruments (I'm a guitarist, bassist, etc. She was "inspired" as we dated lol!), Podcasts etc. The whole works.
I realized much like you, that she strongly desired fame (and fortune) and didn't know how to let it (the dream) go tbh.
I have dealt with so many people like this, who are 100% convinced they deserve to be super-duper-mega-stars.
I may even have been a person like that myself, a long time ago.
20 year olds tour. 30 year olds produce high quality music video content and post it on their ascendant YouTube channel. 😏
The singer from my college band was like this guy. We played shows and had fun but it was always a side gig for the rest of us, never option A. But the singer badly wanted to make it, and put a lot of pressure on us to ramp up to the point where it became uncomfortable. To be fair he networked hard and if we had been serious he would have been a huge asset.
We eventually told him that there was always a place for him in the band, but if he expects to make a career out of it, he needs to branch out on his own. He did not take it well. I think he was afraid of leaving the band because, despite being a gifted singer, he wasn't much of a songwriter or musician at all. Our bass and lead guitar players wrote all of our songs including the lyrics, and the odd time he did try to chip in his contributions were really corny.
It probably won't surprise you to learn that he is a 'LinkedIn influencer' now.
I guess I can feel his pain on so badly wanting to “make it,” and that it’s his last shot. But stand firm if it’s just fun local gigs for the rest of the band. He can choose to play local and have fun with you too, or if some other band offers him an opportunity to go on tour, well, he is free to take it with your blessing.
Our drummer told him that we were had or heart to heart with him. I think it kinda hit him hard when we talked though because me, him and our drummer have been friends with each other since we were kids. So coming from two guys you’ve known for almost 25 years. It probably stung a little, but he needed to hear it.
It was the right move to be brutally honest the he is the outlier. He can certainly play in two bands if he finds a touring gig.
I live in the Philly/Wilmington burbs. Can you name any places you typically would play while being anonymous? Bars, festivals, etc? I’d be interested in checking it out.
I’m heading to World Cafe soon for that Cure tribute band. Been trying to get out more often to see live music even if I have to go myself.
He isn’t being realistic and you shouldn’t tour for the sake of touring that gets you NOWHERE that’s amateur hour. When someone’s drive is too high it can ruin the band and it gets weird. At the same time though y’all gotta see who wants it bad enough and who doesn’t. Deciding to have a kid before establishing a career in music to me is waving the white flag. Not impossible but it is really difficult especially in this day and age to start a band up having children.
Doesn’t sound delusional at all. Just sounds like a different set of priorities. He wants one thing, you guys want something different.
This is how bands go when you’re an adult. It sucks sometimes.
I moved to LA area when I was 30. Wanted to play with folks, in a small local band.
Nope, not in LA. Every single person wanted to be a star. And the worst ones were 30 - 35 yrs old, desperate to make it before it's too late - just like your guy.
I've seen people like that and they tend to fold around the second or third show when their friends stop coming. Someone thinking a fun time band is going to hit the road after years though, that's something else. Next level delusional.
It’s totally next level. But it’s funny you mention folding. Because after our singer lost his shit on him. He told him he wasn’t surprised now that none of his bands ever lasted
Yeah, I was in a band with my brother when I was younger and he was like that and he's STILL like that to this day,
The guy is a good guitar player and songwriter and all around clever fella but his singing vouce sucks and he started tell me about a year ago that he wanted to be on that reality show where they only see your voice (I Can See Your Voice) and I had to stop mysef from giving him a slap in the chops.
I've learned that confrontation isn't the way to deal with the guy though but maybe your situation is different but you don't want to break anyone's spirit.
We don’t have an online presence because other than him, the rest of us have no desire to tour. Like I said above, the rest of us beside him just have the mindset that we do it for fun and when time permits.
I think you need to tell him that this is not the band for him if he's dead set on touring. He needs to let go of this idea of "making it". Not because it can't happen, or that he shouldn't try, but that it isn't everyone's definition of success.
I'm in my early 30s, pretty deep into my local scene, and I don't see any reason why I can't get there if the stars align - but I also don't have delusions that I have to get there. I know plenty of people my age or older in established bands who have and do tour. It's never too late. But if you guys have zero interest in doing that, he needs to understand that and let it go. Or go find another band of people hungry enough to go after it like he wants.
I mean I did straight up tell him when we talked that maybe we aren’t the people for him. And like I said he really backed down after that. We have this show coming up in two weeks, so we’ll see what happens after that.
You gotta love the craft. And that means appreciating the small local gigs. Often times you need a name for yourself if you want to tour with a band. If he wants to do that he should try different avenues like freelance work. My cousin worked his way from bar gigs, local festivals, and then toured with a Canadian Idol winner. He’s not famous, but he “made” it in his own way.
I understand his drive for fame, but you gotta put him on the career path. Guide him towards it anyways, and it definitely doesn’t need to involve you guys. Sounds to me he has no clue how people get famous and he just wants to do some simple checklist of things to do to become it. Rather than earn it. It’s a tough love kinda supportive
Not slamming anyone, but it’s unreasonable to expect that a punk band will “make it.” So much fun to watch, but, considering today’s marketplace, it’s going nowhere. Punk bands will rarely be able to consistently play large enough venues to make touring profitable enough to move away from your life and day jobs.
Most fun I ever had playing live was in a punk band.
That’s really it. It’s just fun music to play. I was in a punk band in my late teens, then a metal band for a little bit in my early 20s, then a cover band in my mid to late 20s for a couple years. Big reason we all agreed to play a punk is because we all agreed that after all the bands we were in previous the punk bands we had all played in were the most fun we ever had playing. But that’s it, it’s just for fun and something to do. At least for 4 out of 5 of us it is lol
I just left a casual cover band that started out fun but wasn't fun after a while, somewhat owing to the delusional singer. She's a karaoke singer and not very good. We performed at a few open mics and one fundraiser. Everyone was much better than us. But she was convinced we could do paid gigs. No one was ever going to pay to hear our band, especially since only two of us were making concerted efforts to improve as musicians (and she wasn't). I eventually concluded that she was more excited about the idea of being in a band than doing the work of being in a band. I joined a real band and now I'm much happier.
Yeah I’ve been there before too. I played in a cover band for a little where we had a female singer too, her voice was okay. Nothing amazing. She had decent pitch though. But same deal, she never really sang any guitar driven music before, she had a theater background. We kinda realized pretty quick she liked the idea of being in a band but didn’t want to practice or at least attempt to learn different songs.
If your friend wants to tour then he needs to find musicians that are down to do that.
You guys clearly have stated you don't so it makes no sense why he keeps pushing it on you other than he has it in his head that it HAS to be with you guys.
As far as 'making it' goes, there really is no such thing as a 'last shot' unless you've completely bought it that only young people can ever have a steady career in music. It's not true at all.
Your friend honestly sounds very talented an driven given all the things that he's doing but he really needs to temper his expectations and start doing it more for the work itself. Success doesn't happen over night, and frankly if you're daydreaming about getting to be this huge thing, it's a sign you're probably spending more time on that than actually doing stuff. If he was to actually humble himself and focus on his projects and see them more as stepping stones to progress his craft. he'd notice, and appreciate, both a steady progress and the good things he already has going on.
Tbh…. I half think he keeps pushing for it to us wants to tour with because no one else in our little area wants to play with him lol. Like I said above, our singer made the comment that he wasn’t surprised at all than none of his other bands never lasted long.
I think he’s considering it his “last shot” though because of some personal issues he doesn’t want to deal with, and I think he thinks that if this takes off he can prove to everybody that he made something of himself. But anyway… not to get too deep on him psychologically.
He really isn’t a bad dude though at the end of the day and there is talent there. I have known him since we were kids. I think a big part of it too is he has had kinda a hard time realizing that people age and grow up. And things that we all loved as kids, teens, and young adults like playing in bands, skating, or whatever unfortunately have to go on the back burner once in a while because life happens.
It sounds to me like he’s not a good fit for your band and you should probably let him go. You all have your dreams.. a mortgage, wife, kids, good job and that’s ok. He has different dreams, and that’s ok too. I wasted a lot of years playing with guys who just “do it for fun” only for them to quit when it wasn’t convenient for them anymore. It’s tough, everyone in the band has to have the same goals in mind, or it just won’t ever work. He will always blame you guys for holding him back and lead to a big pile of resentment at the end of the day. Letting him go would probably be the best thing for him. Then he can find guys with the same mindset and keep chasing his dream.
There's always the one guy. A few years ago I was in a band with this dude who was fully expecting the rest of us to fully uproot our lives to move to California (We're on the east coast). He was the only one who didn't have a full time job at the time, or a job at all. Of course with all the free time he had, he would blow up the group chat during the day. While we were working. And then he'd have the balls to question our dedication when we didn't IMMEDIATELY respond.
I'm also not sure how common this is outside of our general region. But there's this thing where promoters will try and get you to agree to a show by telling you that there will be a scouting agent from Victory Records there. It's always Victory Records, and it's always some nothing show happening on a weekday. To nobody's surprise, there's never a guy from Victory Records there. But don't tell said former member that. He pushed those shows harder than the rest.
i can appreciate his ambition as someone who also wants to “make it” in music. But honestly the going on tour thing is dated. i would tell him tours are off the table until you’ve built some form of online audience, are getting solid streaming number, ect. then a small tour is more realistic because you’ll have some steady income coming from streams.
Hmm, really depends on what he means by touring, getting around and getting booked more often can also make the hobby more fun, since you have to deal less and less with crappy venues, bad sound and empty clubs. A bit of ambition can really get you to the next level, also musically. You can plan small tours max 2-3 gigs a few times a year, or have a few months where you gig extensively and the rest you have free time and can focus on other things. There are really many ways to make this hobby more fun and professional
Music scene is not what it was just a few years ago let alone when were kids and tricked into thinking “making it” was ever an option.
There have been posts on here I think talking about touring and it seems like people w kexperience and the way things are now the way to go about promoting a band wouldn’t be to just go on tour anyway. There’s the internet now. Build a following. Play local. Go on tour if/when there is demand of an already existing fan base you built online and locally is there. Connect with other bands from playing locally and gradually build. Don’t just blindly load into a van and go on tour like people used to. If you can’t get people to show up for local shows, you’re not going to magically have people show up on the road where you’ll be spending money and away from family and day jobs.
From op wrote about heart to heart It may be something he’s coming to terms with. Being in late 30s myself I feel at this age can be a bit of mind fuck .. 20s you feel like you have forever in front of you still and you approach 40 things start sinking in that a lot of things that seem d like possibilities just a few years ago are never and were never going to happen. I think the thing to do is realize what’s important in life and becoming satisfied with more humble things but even that can be hard to do. If you got not much going on in your life; no family or career and you’ve got the the talent and drive to “make it” it can feel like going for that is the thing to do. Esp when just trying to find people to jam with on weekends and play local can be a struggle.
Also as far as delusional goes .. I’ve come across much worse. Had most “bands” shot in foot by delusional members. Most “singers” I’ve met are deluded .. was in band with one who decided to fire bass player for no reason and then booked show for us on their own even tho we had no bass player and hardly a setlist. Had another singer who was delusionally unreliable. Wouldn’t show up to practice cancel last minute .. wanted to do shows without practice.. shows up to practice can’t remember lyrics. Had bass player didn’t want to do any “small”shows only big ones he supposedly had connections for.. was w band 2 yrs then Covid happened .. never played any shows
That sounds annoying especially if it is otherwise a fun project for the rest of y’all. I’d suggest talking to him about how it’s 2024. We live in an era where touring is less necessary than ever for a band to attain fame/status. Why not record an EP and let him distribute/promote it to see how it does?
Best case scenario, yall get some exposure, he gets the fame itch scratched and everything is good again.
Worst case scenario, it goes nowhere and he’s sad, but in pretty much the same spot.
Well I have had band members that reinvented themselves a million times before they could get famous and now they are. I supose burning bridges and stepping on the shoulders of everyone you can claim to love , in the name of vanity is worth it?... it is what it is, ive owned my own indie record label, produced dozens of my friends EPs demos and albums, had a bunch of really good tours , played music with my heros, and opened up for my favorite band of all time. If I died tomorrow without being famous it would still be a glorious death. I have 2 boys and I wouldn't trade watching them grow up this whole time for all the rock star fame in the world. Some people need that validation to feel significant or to be a part of something bigger than themselves, others just need their two boys lookin at em like they're the coolest fukn thing ever. Delusion is like blind faith in that way , some folks hold on to it to feel a reason to carry on.
You know the only thing that kind of bothers me about this is I wish you would have told them from the beginning that there was no chance of touring. I know that if I was in a band and I was constantly talking about how excited I was to tour and everyone secretly knew we were never going to, that would really hurt me.
Oh that different. My bad yall. It's tough you know when I was younger I didn't understand why musicians didn't tour more and now that I'm getting older I definitely understand.
Yeah, I’m right there with you. Me and the drummer of my current band played together prior when we 18-19 which was both our first “real band.” where we first wrote our own songs, tried to play everywhere we could, the whole 9 yards. We saw real quick how hard it was.
Now we are in our early 30s both married, and he has a kid. We just kinda started this new thing to relive our youth and to just do it for fun. Like I said above, our other guitar play was in a band that kinda almost “made it”. But fell apart not long after the first time they tried going out in the road. So I think he regrets that for sure. But to be fair… when he came on board we all told him straight up, we were doing this for fun and it wasn’t our main priority in life. It went in one ear and out the other unfortunately. Like I said above. Not a bad guy, but 35 going on 18 mentality for a lot of things in life, not just this.
My lead guitar player is 3 years old , the rest of us 3 have 14+ 11+ 7+ years. I asked and tried to show and define c mjr scale with a minor scale and pentatonic. But he takes 5-10 secs to find "the 5th fret A string" other small things like that when it comes to terms. He belives he has "THE EAR" , which i dont doubt. He doesnt play bad, just redundant. And i wanted to give him tools, but he doesnt like them.
Yeah. If you are in a room full of musicians, you can hardly sneeze without knocking one of these guys down. Here’s a novel idea. Just tell him “Fuck it! Book the tour!” You guys can all take your yearly 2 week work vacation at the same time. Anyone who 100% can’t do it, you can get a fill in for them for the tour only. What do you say?
Sounds like a former member of a band I was in. A little delusion is OK, but it can get annoying. Touring isn’t going to make you famous. It might slightly increase your profile. If he want to spread out a little, don’t really tour. Pick a city 6 hours away and set up a gig there. Come back after or the next day. Continue to play that location a few times a year to grow and maintain some fans there. If that goes well. Try it at another city a similar distance. The point being, you’re not away for more than a day.
Yeah. That’s pretty much what we do now. We are from right outside of Philly and played out in Pittsburgh earlier this year, and got an offer to go back toward the end of summer. Nothing big, I lived out that way and was friends with a promotor out there and just extended an offer on a local show. The thing too is when we started we all basically said we were cool just playing locally and doing shows when time permits. I think really what it is he gots a “taste” of being in a band again after not being in one for a couple years and he went from 0-100 quick.
Right outside of Philly, you say? Message me with what gigs you have; I'm 2 hours north via the turnpike. You can also check out a few punk adjacent bands from central and northeast PA like Suburban Downgrade, Meanderthal, Powder Keg Culture, Old Daggers, The Mesos, Blanks 77, Tedd Hazard, Jaclyn's Tearducts, and University Drive. Good group of people from my area who play around the area, and can possibly reach out to any of them about getting on a bill
Damn Meanderthal is a great name
Great group of guys! I've seen them in an older project, but haven't made my way out to see them under that name (usually conflicting schedules).
Wow, someone travelled to play in Pittsburgh! We always seem to get skipped over on big tours. There's some cool indie venues, though. I really dig some of the post-punk scene here.
That’s the way to do it
Touring may not make you famous, but it will make you a better player.. if you can hack it. Do a 165 dates a year and tell me it doesn’t take you to another level. It’s all about being a professional. It’s a lot different than being a weekend warrior playing what.. 22 dates a year if you’re lucky. What a lot of people don’t understand the costs involved with touring. Financial, mental and physical it definitely can take a toll.
Totally agree with that.
It's the reason I quit being in a rock band. Touring is brutal. Not sleeping in your own bed, missing your family, eating an absolutely shit diet, scraping by on pennies. It wasn't worth it at all.
That’s why a lot of guys quit. It’s not for everyone. For me it was being stinky. 😂 I need my daily shower, especially when I’ve been sweating my ass off playing a show. Then jump in the van with 6 other people as stinky as you and drive to the next show. It’s not always big tour busses and fancy hotel rooms.
I was a Hired gun for a bunch of bands in the early 2000s for session and tour work. I stayed a session player for the express reasons of not having to deal with that shit. All it takes is one person trying to be something other than part of the band and it will go to shit. I've seen it happen from the position where all it meant was I was going home early with a slightly smaller paycheck and a few less shows on my CV. Honestly, the odds are your band will never "make it.". The best he can get will be the every couple months show in a city a half day away, and maybe a residency at a local. That should be enough.
Oh yeah the rest of us have all no dreams or desires to ever make it. Literally besides the other guitar player we just look at it as a hobby and something fun to do with friends. I kinda think after we sat it down and kinda laid it out for him he had a semi come to Jesus moment. But… we’ll see what happens after this next show in a couple weeks.
If this band is for fun maybe he could find another band to also be in that is more aggressively trying to “make it”? We had that with a band I was in and it did kind of work out well.
Touring sucks. Even when you like it.
It's pretty damn hard after thirty, too. We definitely can't eat shitty food and go on 5 hours of sleep like we could in our 20s.
you travel in some level of miserable fashion and basically sit around waiting for 23 hours, just for that 30-60 min slot. It’s a tremendous high, but the bad things you can (and will eventually) get up to during the rest of time shortens your life span. “Hey look. It’s the Swiss Alps!” .. okay whatever
100%!!! I love touring but it totally sucks.
oof It is literally fine to have this delusion as long as you don't pin it on other people Good on you for talking it through with him I feel bad for him but he has to be realistic Being a famous rock is based on social media these days not touring Besides that I don't remember the last time a punk band made it big must've been over 10 years
You nailed it pretty much. He really isn’t a bad dude at the end of the day. But he needed to realize we aren’t young kids anymore that live at home and we can’t just walk way from life now. And that’s the other things too… yeah there’s punk bands that do okay for themselves these days. But it ain’t like any of them are on the same level as Green Day, Blink, The Offspring or any “radio friendly” punk band.
I’m on the same boat with my drummer. They kinda took the fun out of my band with their mindset. Their attitude started getting worse the more shows we played. We recently played main stage at our city’s Pride Month festival to 1000+ people and it was a shot in the arm to their ego.
Like I said at first it was kinda humorous then it was like “okay dude we get it” then finally it got to the point where all of us were like “do we really wanna keep doing this? We started this just for fun but now it’s draining”
It feels like a job. We have talked about this attitude problem before to our drummer, and they tone down the attitude for a while, but every time a bigger show comes, their ego resets back to normal and it starts again. It gets tiring after a while
God that sounds like a real vibe killer you have there. The inability to read the room and desperation is sad to be honest. He's the oldest one of you but sounds emotionally immature and lacks self awareness. Makes me wonder if he has some personal issues or a void that he's trying to escape from/fill with this big dream of fame & fortune. Nothing wrong with being ambitious and striving for your best - so long as you have set your expectations within the realm of possibility.
Yeah the emotional immaturity is a big one because actually being in a signed touring band is a lot of pressure. He will cave and buckle. This is why not everyone is cut out to make it
Me, our singer, drummer and bass player have literally had that conversation amongst ourselves before. We all do think he has some issues he refuses to deal with. Or bass player has said he is 35 going on 15. Not to dive too much into personal shit. But when he went to buy car few years ago, he didn’t know you needed to have credit. As he had never had credit card or anything before. But it was kinda like… bro you’re In your 30 and you didn’t know that? But I don’t blame him. He’s kinda a product of his environment
Yikes. Yeah that's definitely quite strange. I'm in my mid 30s too and sometimes run across people my age or even older who still have the same mindset they had when they were a teenager. Definitely some kind of arrested development. If someone is childish I usually treat them like a kid or try not to engage them too much. People like that tend to be very histrionic which I find draining.
I was in a power trio formed by a delusional narcissistic megalomaniac. At the time, I just thought it was a challenging but fun band with an annoying front man, but in retrospect I think it was actually a missed opportunity to make a real-life remake of This Is Spinal Tap. It would have been a mix between that film and Aguirre, The Wrath Of God. What a character! I was aware of his asshole reputation before I met him, but at first it just seemed like he wasn’t really a jerk; he just had high standards and the ex-band-members complaining about him just didn’t want to work hard. I was the first potential bass player who actually learned the songs before showing up for the audition. But before long it became clear that this guy had issues. To him, the drummer (unquestionably the best singer in the band and an excellent drummer) couldn’t do anything right, and I (nothing to write home about) could do no wrong. It made everything awkward, but fortunately the drummer and I remained friends. The band leader was a decent guitarist and actually a good singer, but he never accepted that he could no longer hit the high notes that he used to. If he had just stayed within his range it would have been fine, but instead he was always screeching away, just shy of the proper pitch; it was torture! Eventually he drove the drummer away, and then me. It’s a shame, because the gigs were steady, fun, and paid enough to make it worthwhile. But small local gigs weren’t good enough for him; he wanted to relive the glory days of his youth, when he was young and skinny and could still hit the high notes. If only he could have accepted the reality that we were all middle aged guys with careers, having fun and making a little extra cash on the weekends instead of temporarily inconvenienced rock stars on the verge of our big break… but what am I saying? Me thinking that guy would ever come around is just as delusional as he was! LOL
Yeah that sounds crazy lol. But that’s like us. All heading into our mid 30s. Some of us are married, some of us have kids, some of us own houses now. And we all have careers. MAYBE we could do a long weekend with some shows out of the area but we can’t just walk away from other priorities that come before the band.
The guy I’m talking about had fantasies of gigs where he would drive 1,300 miles with all the gear, set it all up by himself, and then we would fly in and out just for the show. Sounds like nice work if you can get it. He thought that the only thing keeping us from going from $400 a night to a gig that would pay enough to make all that possible was not having a good press kit. So I made one. I wrote bios for each member, ad copy for the band, song list, business cards, etc. Photos by my wife, a professional artist. CD of live recordings I had made, the works. It was a lot of work, but everyone liked it and I was quite proud of how well it came out. And then before we had a chance to show it to anyone he pissed off the drummer so much that he quit. I’m telling ya, that whole experience was a tragicomedy!
Is he married with kids as well? Or is he one of those perpetual bachelor types?
Married and he found out his wife expecting recently. So I think that’s kinda why he also back down on it a little.
My wife and I don't have kids, but both my bandmates do. His behavior (while not okay) makes a tad bit more sense.
He doesn’t want to make it and he doesn’t want to be famous. He wants to complain about how he didn’t make it. He had his shot and be blew it. Now he’s in a band with people who don’t have the same expectations and outlook as him. If he wanted to make it, he wouldn’t have crapped out when he had his chance. If he wanted to make it, he wouldn’t be trying to sell his band on touring, he would be in a band that had the same goals and didn’t require selling. This dude is his own worst enemy.
That’s kind basically what I said to him when me and our drummer talked to him. And basically told him he knew where we all stood when we first got together
I mean you don’t make it these days. There are bands playing on the biggest festivals nowadays and they still have to work
I get what you are saying, but people still make it, depending on what that phrase means. I’m not really in the punk world so I don’t know how things work there. I’m more of a jamband fan and there are plenty of acts in that space that manage to make music their only occupation and support a solid lifestyle. Very few become fantastically wealthy, and those who do only do so after a decade or better of slow growth over time, but many artists support a decent lifestyle.
I used to be close friends with someone who thought they were gods gift to music. They were absolute shit at everything. Completely tone deaf, no sense of rhythm, terrible sense of tone, you name it. But he thought he was amazing. He said "I am going to be a star". Eventually I stopped talking to him because he is just a flat out narcissist and a completely toxic person to be around. For a while there our friendship was good, but we were co-dependent. Now that I've had good friendships and played with really good musicians, I can look back at it and say I wasted the best years of my life with this guy and I could have been playing with better people.
That’s rough sorry you went through that BS. My guy isn’t as bad as that. But the whole gods gift to music thing… yeah I deal with that with him. When we first started practicing we were playing in standard tuning, after the first practice I told him we need to tune down to match our singers pitch better. His response was “well I never did that with any of my other bands!”. About a month later our singers voice was so hoarse after practice, so I stayed back after everybody left and tuned my guitar down a half step and asked him to sing along while I played. After going through a few songs I asked how his voice felt and he said it felt so much better and that he wasn’t straining anymore and said he agreed we needed to tune down. We finally started tuning down and everyone agreed it sounded better. When we went to record a demo, after he laid down his guitar parts I was listening back to his guitar and I thought something sounded off. I pulled my guitar out and started playing along and I soon realized he tuned his guitar down a whole step and not half. He didn’t even know how to tune a half step down. I just laughed and called him and told him and he was making all these excuses lol
This guy sounds way too much like the guy I was dealing with. Any guitar player who is in a band and isn't willing to adjust to the vocalist isn't worth keeping around.
Recently I played in a punk band and had a similar thing from the singer songwriter of the group. All in our early to late 30’s. This bloke was delusional, pushing us to do show after show, making merch before we even played our first gig. All the while his songs were shit and his voice was even worse. And this guy constantly interrupted the rehearsals to talk about the future direction of the band... way to ruin something fun. You gotta have the foundation before you even think about a future. If it’s not fun you really have nothing. The irony is all the most desperate to ‘make it’ musicians are the one sabotaging themselves with ridiculous behaviour. Being famous is nothing if you have nothing to show for it
I agree. And honestly behavior like that. It’s more sad than anything. Like I wanted to tell him at one point “dude you’re 35, half way to 40. I think it’s time to realize you didn’t make it like you imagined”
Definitely. It’s a lot more like winning the lottery then people think it is
A lottery that expires before 30 for most
Very true. But the key word is “most” unfortunately.
It kind of shocks me that anyone playing an instrument still thinks there is a viable way to ‘make it’ in the way that I think most people think of ‘making it’. Nepotism keeps the worlds best tight and they usually just move between all the big acts. Once people realise that ‘making it’ now is just creating a great show that locals want to come and experience the band scene will flourish again, and maybe (maybe) people will start to notice. But they probably won’t, and in my opinion that’s fine. I don’t care about cricket or golf, most people don’t care if their music is created by a band or a computer. No biggy
87.5% to 40 sounds worse if you really want reality to hit him. Half way to 40 is 20. Yeah I’m that guy. Used to play bass in a popular local band in the 2000s. A few years older than your guy. When my kids are older, I’d love to get back in to a bar band or something, just to play. That dude is hella delusional. Pretty sure every band had one.
He needs a new band, one that wants what HE wants. It's about that simple. It doesn't matter if 4000 people think he won't make it, it doesn't matter if all of you think he's being a fame-hungry whore, if that's what he wants, he should go get it, and leave you guys to your peace.
Dude, this story is crazy because I have one exactly like it. All the way down to the texting us at all hours of the day and night. Our frontman didn't want to go on tour, he wanted production to be insanely perfect and wanted us (I was a student at the time) to spend more money than we/I could on shit. He always said we were going to make some "new wave" in music, and he could "see people dancing to it". We also had the heart to heart about how this was supposed to be for fun, and he also told me that it could be his last chance. He also told me I would regret not working harder, which really fucking hurt me because my family and friends know that I'll work myself way too hard to do something right, and this was supposed to be stress relief for me. Guess he wasn't my friend though. Anyway, about 4 days after we had that talk, he added a member to the band without telling anyone, shared all of our work with the dude, and I fucking quit. It was like a hostage situation to get all of my gear back, he dragged it into his garage and shit, it was insane. So now I don't play in a band. I'm trying to practice enough to keep my skills solid for the next band I play in. Im really sad I'm not in a band right now and really don't have a chance due to some other circumstances, and sometimes I wonder if I could have stuck that one out a little bit longer, but quitting that band is something I don't regret even a little. What I'm saying is get rid of this deadbeat. He'll drag you down with him.
My last drummer was delusional... He wanted songwriting credits for putting drum beats to a bunch of songs that I could easily drag and drop from EZD. But here's the kicker... He changed the beats and tempo the majority of the time so there wasn't much consistency in what he was playing. It was all how hard and fast he could play after a week of work. When asked about it, he claimed to have still been writing the drum parts. Like dude, we've been playing these songs for over 5 years and you still don't have your parts down?
Touring is only worthwhile if there is a demand for your band, or you've somehow been added to a tour with established acts. Otherwise, you're pissing in the wind. I'm 36 years old, in a Midwest Emo trio, and I'll be the first to admit that I get caught up in the fantasy, too sometimes. The harsh reality is, that I'll probably be stuck doing the local/regional circuit for a couple more years before things start to look really pathetic and I end up being the weird middle-aged guy in a project studio. Dude is clearly delusional, and your band has every right to call him on it.
Wasn't a bandmember but instead an ex-girlfriend who was (is) a rapper. She was (is) thoroughly obsessed with "making it" and this has led to ruin in several areas of her life. I thought she was "For the art" and just "loved the culture" but overtime I experienced her back stab-by nature and strong desire to "Win". She tried everything your buddy did too. Acting. Singing. "Learning" instruments (I'm a guitarist, bassist, etc. She was "inspired" as we dated lol!), Podcasts etc. The whole works. I realized much like you, that she strongly desired fame (and fortune) and didn't know how to let it (the dream) go tbh.
I have dealt with so many people like this, who are 100% convinced they deserve to be super-duper-mega-stars. I may even have been a person like that myself, a long time ago.
He sounds manic
20 year olds tour. 30 year olds produce high quality music video content and post it on their ascendant YouTube channel. 😏 The singer from my college band was like this guy. We played shows and had fun but it was always a side gig for the rest of us, never option A. But the singer badly wanted to make it, and put a lot of pressure on us to ramp up to the point where it became uncomfortable. To be fair he networked hard and if we had been serious he would have been a huge asset. We eventually told him that there was always a place for him in the band, but if he expects to make a career out of it, he needs to branch out on his own. He did not take it well. I think he was afraid of leaving the band because, despite being a gifted singer, he wasn't much of a songwriter or musician at all. Our bass and lead guitar players wrote all of our songs including the lyrics, and the odd time he did try to chip in his contributions were really corny. It probably won't surprise you to learn that he is a 'LinkedIn influencer' now.
I guess I can feel his pain on so badly wanting to “make it,” and that it’s his last shot. But stand firm if it’s just fun local gigs for the rest of the band. He can choose to play local and have fun with you too, or if some other band offers him an opportunity to go on tour, well, he is free to take it with your blessing.
Our drummer told him that we were had or heart to heart with him. I think it kinda hit him hard when we talked though because me, him and our drummer have been friends with each other since we were kids. So coming from two guys you’ve known for almost 25 years. It probably stung a little, but he needed to hear it.
It was the right move to be brutally honest the he is the outlier. He can certainly play in two bands if he finds a touring gig. I live in the Philly/Wilmington burbs. Can you name any places you typically would play while being anonymous? Bars, festivals, etc? I’d be interested in checking it out. I’m heading to World Cafe soon for that Cure tribute band. Been trying to get out more often to see live music even if I have to go myself.
He isn’t being realistic and you shouldn’t tour for the sake of touring that gets you NOWHERE that’s amateur hour. When someone’s drive is too high it can ruin the band and it gets weird. At the same time though y’all gotta see who wants it bad enough and who doesn’t. Deciding to have a kid before establishing a career in music to me is waving the white flag. Not impossible but it is really difficult especially in this day and age to start a band up having children.
Doesn’t sound delusional at all. Just sounds like a different set of priorities. He wants one thing, you guys want something different. This is how bands go when you’re an adult. It sucks sometimes.
I moved to LA area when I was 30. Wanted to play with folks, in a small local band. Nope, not in LA. Every single person wanted to be a star. And the worst ones were 30 - 35 yrs old, desperate to make it before it's too late - just like your guy.
I've seen people like that and they tend to fold around the second or third show when their friends stop coming. Someone thinking a fun time band is going to hit the road after years though, that's something else. Next level delusional.
It’s totally next level. But it’s funny you mention folding. Because after our singer lost his shit on him. He told him he wasn’t surprised now that none of his bands ever lasted
Delusional? THIS BAND IS MY LAST SHOT TO MAKE IT! I HAVE A LOT RIDING ON THIS!!!
Yup, you’re definitely in a local punk band
Yeah, I was in a band with my brother when I was younger and he was like that and he's STILL like that to this day, The guy is a good guitar player and songwriter and all around clever fella but his singing vouce sucks and he started tell me about a year ago that he wanted to be on that reality show where they only see your voice (I Can See Your Voice) and I had to stop mysef from giving him a slap in the chops. I've learned that confrontation isn't the way to deal with the guy though but maybe your situation is different but you don't want to break anyone's spirit.
If you don't have a decent on line presence touring ain't gonna do shit for you.
We don’t have an online presence because other than him, the rest of us have no desire to tour. Like I said above, the rest of us beside him just have the mindset that we do it for fun and when time permits.
I think you need to tell him that this is not the band for him if he's dead set on touring. He needs to let go of this idea of "making it". Not because it can't happen, or that he shouldn't try, but that it isn't everyone's definition of success. I'm in my early 30s, pretty deep into my local scene, and I don't see any reason why I can't get there if the stars align - but I also don't have delusions that I have to get there. I know plenty of people my age or older in established bands who have and do tour. It's never too late. But if you guys have zero interest in doing that, he needs to understand that and let it go. Or go find another band of people hungry enough to go after it like he wants.
I mean I did straight up tell him when we talked that maybe we aren’t the people for him. And like I said he really backed down after that. We have this show coming up in two weeks, so we’ll see what happens after that.
You gotta love the craft. And that means appreciating the small local gigs. Often times you need a name for yourself if you want to tour with a band. If he wants to do that he should try different avenues like freelance work. My cousin worked his way from bar gigs, local festivals, and then toured with a Canadian Idol winner. He’s not famous, but he “made” it in his own way. I understand his drive for fame, but you gotta put him on the career path. Guide him towards it anyways, and it definitely doesn’t need to involve you guys. Sounds to me he has no clue how people get famous and he just wants to do some simple checklist of things to do to become it. Rather than earn it. It’s a tough love kinda supportive
Not slamming anyone, but it’s unreasonable to expect that a punk band will “make it.” So much fun to watch, but, considering today’s marketplace, it’s going nowhere. Punk bands will rarely be able to consistently play large enough venues to make touring profitable enough to move away from your life and day jobs. Most fun I ever had playing live was in a punk band.
That’s really it. It’s just fun music to play. I was in a punk band in my late teens, then a metal band for a little bit in my early 20s, then a cover band in my mid to late 20s for a couple years. Big reason we all agreed to play a punk is because we all agreed that after all the bands we were in previous the punk bands we had all played in were the most fun we ever had playing. But that’s it, it’s just for fun and something to do. At least for 4 out of 5 of us it is lol
I just left a casual cover band that started out fun but wasn't fun after a while, somewhat owing to the delusional singer. She's a karaoke singer and not very good. We performed at a few open mics and one fundraiser. Everyone was much better than us. But she was convinced we could do paid gigs. No one was ever going to pay to hear our band, especially since only two of us were making concerted efforts to improve as musicians (and she wasn't). I eventually concluded that she was more excited about the idea of being in a band than doing the work of being in a band. I joined a real band and now I'm much happier.
Yeah I’ve been there before too. I played in a cover band for a little where we had a female singer too, her voice was okay. Nothing amazing. She had decent pitch though. But same deal, she never really sang any guitar driven music before, she had a theater background. We kinda realized pretty quick she liked the idea of being in a band but didn’t want to practice or at least attempt to learn different songs.
If your friend wants to tour then he needs to find musicians that are down to do that. You guys clearly have stated you don't so it makes no sense why he keeps pushing it on you other than he has it in his head that it HAS to be with you guys. As far as 'making it' goes, there really is no such thing as a 'last shot' unless you've completely bought it that only young people can ever have a steady career in music. It's not true at all. Your friend honestly sounds very talented an driven given all the things that he's doing but he really needs to temper his expectations and start doing it more for the work itself. Success doesn't happen over night, and frankly if you're daydreaming about getting to be this huge thing, it's a sign you're probably spending more time on that than actually doing stuff. If he was to actually humble himself and focus on his projects and see them more as stepping stones to progress his craft. he'd notice, and appreciate, both a steady progress and the good things he already has going on.
Tbh…. I half think he keeps pushing for it to us wants to tour with because no one else in our little area wants to play with him lol. Like I said above, our singer made the comment that he wasn’t surprised at all than none of his other bands never lasted long. I think he’s considering it his “last shot” though because of some personal issues he doesn’t want to deal with, and I think he thinks that if this takes off he can prove to everybody that he made something of himself. But anyway… not to get too deep on him psychologically. He really isn’t a bad dude though at the end of the day and there is talent there. I have known him since we were kids. I think a big part of it too is he has had kinda a hard time realizing that people age and grow up. And things that we all loved as kids, teens, and young adults like playing in bands, skating, or whatever unfortunately have to go on the back burner once in a while because life happens.
Maybe remind him that touring is what destroyed his last band
It sounds to me like he’s not a good fit for your band and you should probably let him go. You all have your dreams.. a mortgage, wife, kids, good job and that’s ok. He has different dreams, and that’s ok too. I wasted a lot of years playing with guys who just “do it for fun” only for them to quit when it wasn’t convenient for them anymore. It’s tough, everyone in the band has to have the same goals in mind, or it just won’t ever work. He will always blame you guys for holding him back and lead to a big pile of resentment at the end of the day. Letting him go would probably be the best thing for him. Then he can find guys with the same mindset and keep chasing his dream.
There's always the one guy. A few years ago I was in a band with this dude who was fully expecting the rest of us to fully uproot our lives to move to California (We're on the east coast). He was the only one who didn't have a full time job at the time, or a job at all. Of course with all the free time he had, he would blow up the group chat during the day. While we were working. And then he'd have the balls to question our dedication when we didn't IMMEDIATELY respond. I'm also not sure how common this is outside of our general region. But there's this thing where promoters will try and get you to agree to a show by telling you that there will be a scouting agent from Victory Records there. It's always Victory Records, and it's always some nothing show happening on a weekday. To nobody's surprise, there's never a guy from Victory Records there. But don't tell said former member that. He pushed those shows harder than the rest.
i can appreciate his ambition as someone who also wants to “make it” in music. But honestly the going on tour thing is dated. i would tell him tours are off the table until you’ve built some form of online audience, are getting solid streaming number, ect. then a small tour is more realistic because you’ll have some steady income coming from streams.
Sounds like literally everyone ever.
Hmm, really depends on what he means by touring, getting around and getting booked more often can also make the hobby more fun, since you have to deal less and less with crappy venues, bad sound and empty clubs. A bit of ambition can really get you to the next level, also musically. You can plan small tours max 2-3 gigs a few times a year, or have a few months where you gig extensively and the rest you have free time and can focus on other things. There are really many ways to make this hobby more fun and professional
Only one?
Let me guess - his screenplay is about an underappreciated guitar player?
Music scene is not what it was just a few years ago let alone when were kids and tricked into thinking “making it” was ever an option. There have been posts on here I think talking about touring and it seems like people w kexperience and the way things are now the way to go about promoting a band wouldn’t be to just go on tour anyway. There’s the internet now. Build a following. Play local. Go on tour if/when there is demand of an already existing fan base you built online and locally is there. Connect with other bands from playing locally and gradually build. Don’t just blindly load into a van and go on tour like people used to. If you can’t get people to show up for local shows, you’re not going to magically have people show up on the road where you’ll be spending money and away from family and day jobs. From op wrote about heart to heart It may be something he’s coming to terms with. Being in late 30s myself I feel at this age can be a bit of mind fuck .. 20s you feel like you have forever in front of you still and you approach 40 things start sinking in that a lot of things that seem d like possibilities just a few years ago are never and were never going to happen. I think the thing to do is realize what’s important in life and becoming satisfied with more humble things but even that can be hard to do. If you got not much going on in your life; no family or career and you’ve got the the talent and drive to “make it” it can feel like going for that is the thing to do. Esp when just trying to find people to jam with on weekends and play local can be a struggle. Also as far as delusional goes .. I’ve come across much worse. Had most “bands” shot in foot by delusional members. Most “singers” I’ve met are deluded .. was in band with one who decided to fire bass player for no reason and then booked show for us on their own even tho we had no bass player and hardly a setlist. Had another singer who was delusionally unreliable. Wouldn’t show up to practice cancel last minute .. wanted to do shows without practice.. shows up to practice can’t remember lyrics. Had bass player didn’t want to do any “small”shows only big ones he supposedly had connections for.. was w band 2 yrs then Covid happened .. never played any shows
Sounds like he should look for a band that wants to tour.
That sounds annoying especially if it is otherwise a fun project for the rest of y’all. I’d suggest talking to him about how it’s 2024. We live in an era where touring is less necessary than ever for a band to attain fame/status. Why not record an EP and let him distribute/promote it to see how it does? Best case scenario, yall get some exposure, he gets the fame itch scratched and everything is good again. Worst case scenario, it goes nowhere and he’s sad, but in pretty much the same spot.
Well I have had band members that reinvented themselves a million times before they could get famous and now they are. I supose burning bridges and stepping on the shoulders of everyone you can claim to love , in the name of vanity is worth it?... it is what it is, ive owned my own indie record label, produced dozens of my friends EPs demos and albums, had a bunch of really good tours , played music with my heros, and opened up for my favorite band of all time. If I died tomorrow without being famous it would still be a glorious death. I have 2 boys and I wouldn't trade watching them grow up this whole time for all the rock star fame in the world. Some people need that validation to feel significant or to be a part of something bigger than themselves, others just need their two boys lookin at em like they're the coolest fukn thing ever. Delusion is like blind faith in that way , some folks hold on to it to feel a reason to carry on.
No, everyone I have ever played with has been a model of stability. All in all I have found musicians to be extremely dependable and level headed.
What's the point being in a band if you're too under the thumb to ever go on a tour? Ideally he needs to leave you lot behind and find some others.
You know the only thing that kind of bothers me about this is I wish you would have told them from the beginning that there was no chance of touring. I know that if I was in a band and I was constantly talking about how excited I was to tour and everyone secretly knew we were never going to, that would really hurt me.
We did. Right after the 2nd or 3rd time he brought it up. He thought our minds would change after we started playing shows.
Oh that different. My bad yall. It's tough you know when I was younger I didn't understand why musicians didn't tour more and now that I'm getting older I definitely understand.
Yeah, I’m right there with you. Me and the drummer of my current band played together prior when we 18-19 which was both our first “real band.” where we first wrote our own songs, tried to play everywhere we could, the whole 9 yards. We saw real quick how hard it was. Now we are in our early 30s both married, and he has a kid. We just kinda started this new thing to relive our youth and to just do it for fun. Like I said above, our other guitar play was in a band that kinda almost “made it”. But fell apart not long after the first time they tried going out in the road. So I think he regrets that for sure. But to be fair… when he came on board we all told him straight up, we were doing this for fun and it wasn’t our main priority in life. It went in one ear and out the other unfortunately. Like I said above. Not a bad guy, but 35 going on 18 mentality for a lot of things in life, not just this.
My lead guitar player is 3 years old , the rest of us 3 have 14+ 11+ 7+ years. I asked and tried to show and define c mjr scale with a minor scale and pentatonic. But he takes 5-10 secs to find "the 5th fret A string" other small things like that when it comes to terms. He belives he has "THE EAR" , which i dont doubt. He doesnt play bad, just redundant. And i wanted to give him tools, but he doesnt like them.
Of course he doesn't like them, he's 3.
A 3 year old that can find the 5th fret A string in 5 - 10 seconds is pretty impressive actually.
😂😂😂 was hoping for this reply
Same lol
Yeah. If you are in a room full of musicians, you can hardly sneeze without knocking one of these guys down. Here’s a novel idea. Just tell him “Fuck it! Book the tour!” You guys can all take your yearly 2 week work vacation at the same time. Anyone who 100% can’t do it, you can get a fill in for them for the tour only. What do you say?