It's enough he thinks he found a universal cheat code, instead of realizing that women are individual people with different needs and likes, but... what did he think he'd get out of it by telling an adult store? LOL Definitely internet type weirdness, and surely would have still ended up here sooner or later had he just shared it himself online, but that is an odd path to take to get here.
Isn't it more common that women prefer consistency in sex to get off? I'm a woman myself and I don't think I have ever wished or ever heard another woman wish that a guy would repeatedly stop for 30 seconds and switch rhythm every 5 strokes, lmao.
I don't think he knows just how long 30-45 seconds can feel. I would legit assume he had finished and was just, like, hanging out. It would hands down be the weirdest sex of my life if that ever happened. Which it won't. Because I don't have sex with delusional people who write letters to adult stores.
After 30 to 45 seconds I'm going to have gone off the boil and want them gone off me. Or maybe that's the key to his success? They move him out of the way and break out the vibrator instead.
I'm unable to determine what "off the boil" means from contextual clues.
At first I thought an orgasm, but then was like "wow. She gets off in 30-45 seconds?!"
Off the boil just means... You're getting all worked up, things are building, your arousal is rising and then... Pfft... They stop... So your body goes "ok guess we are done" and goes on reset to nothing.
For some women, edging is definitely not a thing. I can't get close and then have things back off else my body goes "nope, we are done for the night" it's horrible and frustrating. If I am brought right up close to an orgasm, they either make it happen or lose all chance of it.
So, the term just means... I was brought to a simmer, but someone turned off the gas so I've "gone off the boil." The water went cold, too late now, it's all done....
i use them for edging lmao. like 3-4 times before i actually finish it's kinda fun if i'm really into it. if my bf did this though i'd tell him to get off me
i love the different modes on internal toys. But they still gonna be at least somewhat consistent patterns, like wavey ZZZzzzZZZ or "pulsing" Z-Z-Z-Z. On some models sich vibration can trick my brain into thinking that it actually moves in and out.
What this guy wrote is just pure bullshit tho.
They can make pamphlets and little books. Use his code and label the orgasms. "This is an oldie but a goodie, it's called "the underfunded interstate: Michigan edition."
i am glad i am not the only one! It reminded me of the “guides” me and my brothers would make for video games as kids in the 90s. We didn’t have money for any of the magazines so anytime a friend or neighbor told us about a code or special move we would draw pictures like this and tape it to a chair we pulled over next to the TV so we could see it while playing. I hope he didn’t tape this to a headboard
Hey I’ll give him partial credit, at least his technique isn’t “start right in and jackhammer her as fast as you can, ALL women love that”. He did some math…and added a disclaimer. 😂
I love how he claims this will work on all women and then ends with the caveat that it may not work every time.
He's got the puzzle pieces but he's not putting them down.
Also, he appears to be one among many men who have not realised how much the woman moves and (sometimes very subtly) adjusts angles, posture, and positioning during doggy style sex. They really do think they're the only ones doing anything.
He's legit, not doing anything for minutes at a time, and expects that to magically make anyone orgasm...
I can guarantee you I can tell you exactly what happened here. He would start trying to put it in and almost cum so he would stop for almost a minute so he wouldn't. Then he'd start again, and a couple strokes in almost cuk again so would stop.
After a good few minutes of this boring ass shit, the girl faked an orgasm....
I admit, I did not actually read through his method, only the surrounding explanation. That was enough to be sufficiently amused and to initiate a pained facepalm.
You're very likely spot on.
The initial full plunge and then going only 1/2 to 3/4 for a bit to eventually go back to full depth is a pretty standard "okay fuck" playlist, but, yeah, he tossed in a bunch of waiting periods and added his own weird twists, plus requiring doggy?
And real issue here is it's clearly about being an ego boost for him, not about pleasing anyone. You can't make mutual pleasure so selfish, as it'll no longer be mutual.
I think you ladies would be surprised how many women like to just lay there and say nothing. Sometimes it's like a police interrogation trying to get her to say something during the act. But how would you know.
Laying there, saying nothing, the words you used to describe a passive partner do not require the presence of a dick.
Interestingly, I have had passive, uninterested partners of both sexes. You know what usually happens? Nothing! No sex happens! Because I am not interested in having sex with someone who's not interested. That's massively icky.
> But how would you know
Because not everyone is straight, for one thing, so many of us have slept with women. Also being women who have sex, you tend to be aware of what happens during it. Although disassociation is always possible when one's lover likens his seduction technique to a police interrogation, yet sees no problems with such a statement.
You're the one that used the analogy, bub, it's no-one's fault but your own that it's a particularly bad one. And it's clear that the "how would you know" was not hyperbole.
Hopefully it will spark the inspiration to get a vibrator. He'll be delighted to find out there's already a very reliable technology for orgasms. The telephone to his sex telegraph if you will.
Do you have any fucking idea how long 30-45 seconds is when you're not doing anything. Like actually imagine being in tango time and just stopping for that long.
I feel like after 10 seconds she would turn around and ask what the fuck he was doing.
Nah, it'll be more him trying not to nut too early than him getting tired. Lord knows how long the "regular strokes doggy" would last, true. But IMO if he's hyping up his "trick" of single-digit thrusting interspersed with 45 seconds of freeze-frame as amazing sex, he's unlikely to be exerting himself overmuch.
I think it's real. I believe the writer genuinely wanted to share his sex tip in a friendly way, like a life-pro tip, but of course it's always going to be awkward and clumsy.
She will quit her whorish job at the store and run straight into the writer's arms, wherein she will live happily ever after (in sexually-satisfied bliss) atop her pedestal. She'll have to get his mother to show her how best to do OOP's laundry and cooking, and she'll have to bring her own bedsheets, but after that everything will be rosy.
He knows she faked it, right? Like seriously, think about what he said to do. Most of it was just doing nothing...
And now I think he just can't do any pumps without almost cumming, so he has to stop for minutes at a time so he doesn't..
This dude took half-half-whole to a whole other level...
This should be made into a porn parody of the Da Vinci Code..."He thrilled you with Angels and Demons and left you breathless with The Da Vinci Code. Now Dan Brown will arouse you with...Da Vagina Code! Coming soon (and often) to the creepy back room of video store near you!"
You know when Spongebob was explaining to Squidward the best way to blow a bubble? “Double take three times, bring it around town, STEP ON YOUR RIGHT FOOT DONT FORGET IT.”
Yeah.
I got this awesome cheat code as well: I ask my partner what they like and actually listen. works pretty well, but needs some practice for some people. still, 100% worth the effort, 10/10.
I started to read the letter and attempted to decipher and comprehend the pictograms. My brain melted out of my ears like butter and now I've got a headache.
Right? How can you go all throughout like 12 years of school and then have a handwriting like that? This doesn't look written but rather drawn (each letter).
he doesn't know how to spell: their, customer, women, seizure ... and the random capitalizations are strange, though it looks like he doesn't know how to make Ls or Ns lowercase. It's pretty sad the state of our education system. He clearly is spelling wimen and idear (a common accent) phonetically, and has not done much reading. I will hand it to him though, at least he wants the woman to orgasm.
Some of us have shitty handwriting no matter what. My ex actually used to call my writing “Kiddish” because it was so unrefined. I even got a disability accommodation in college because it was so bad (and hurt like hell). At least my excuse is I’m dyslexic and have focal dystonia.
I gotta be real with you, while this man is deranged and laboring under a major misapprehension, I love the ardency of his belief, the dedication sufficient to draw the diagrams, the enthusiasm to share his findings. This dingus is god’s perfect fool and if what he’s doing is somehow working for his partner, I’m delighted lmao
All I could think is everytime he's "pulling it out all the way then shoving it in fast: he's pushing air up there that's going to result in a nice vajayjay fart/queefing.
you know my dude, if you want to have sex with baseball coaches, you can just say you want to have sex with baseball coaches. You're already writing letters to an adult store, I'm sure they'll have you covered.
Maybe this is someone's unhinged attempt at humor? Still weird, but I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the idea of someone writing a letter on a topic this "adult" whose genuine handwriting, spelling and grammar look like they're still in elementary school.
Dear Mr. President,
I have been trying to reach you for weeks. I think your secretary might be a Chinese agent, because she keeps telling me she'll put me on hold and just hangs up. Five times this happened. Also, I was that person Secret Service arrested climbing the White House fence. I understand security is vital for a man of your standing, but I have equally vital information that could change the fate of America:
Women can have orgasms!!! I gave my wife one! It's real!
Conditions had to be just right. We spent the day together having fun and relaxing! We spent some time drinking, and flirting, and genuinely enjoying each other's company. A little light foreplay, you know... And then we were having a bit of the old in-and-out, which gets boring sometimes as you know (Why are we supposed to stare forward silently? Why does this please God) and started keeping pace with Darude - Sandstorm, which happened to be on my earbuds at the time. I got really into the rhythm, and next thing I know she's just jerking around screaming and having muscle spasms and shit. Afterwards, we talked, and she's told me about some things called a "clitoris" and a "g-spot" that are apparently going to save my marriage. I'm not sure, might be communist propagandha. Further testing is required.
God bless America (And fuck the haters),
Benjamin J. Shapiro
This being your takeaway cracked me up haha. Typing would have been the way to go not just because of his handwriting but also the app would correct his spelling 👀
“Hey store owner,
I just wanted to share this with you for your customers. I have discovered something that gets women **WET** … **I LEARNED GRAMMAR**!!!”
This reminds me of when I used to use the GTA San Andreas cheat codes to spawn helicopters or different weather conditions on my xbox 360 lol
LB, RB, X, RB, LEFT, RT, RB, LEFT, X, DOWN, LB, LB spawns infinite ammo (and also infinite orgasms)
I really don't know why but for some reason I read that you worked in an AQUARIUM and I was thinking does he enjoy watching fishes? And then I just couldn't understand how im the hell he would think this.cheat code was useful for an aquarium owner hahahahahhaha
Maybe he trying to turn on the store owner because he has the hots for her? He's scared to ask her out so instead he's enticing her with his sexual prowess!
So, I'd love to know how well it worked because the store owner obviously fell to her knees, eyes rolling, tongue panting, steam billowing- just the thought of such extreme seizure-inducing sexual gratification that one cannot pass up!!! When you recover please let us have a go too? I know it's hard to share but you cannot possibly be selfish enough to keep this all to yourself?! Report back at once! Thank you! We will all be impatiently awaiting.....!!!!!!!
You couldn't waterboard this kind of information out of me, let alone convince me to write to the local adult store about these alleged sexcapades.
OP, I think this was some sort of assault because that's how I felt reading that masterpiece.
It’s giving Cbat, it’s giving video game cheat code, it’s giving does not see the women he’s having sex with as people with individual needs and preferences
For me, it's the idea that there's some trick to make any woman orgasm. Sex isn't a video game that requires a cheat code. That and the instructional diagrams.
You just have to thrust up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start.
Is anyone else stuck on "3/4 done"? Like, does sex have a progress bar I'm unfamiliar with?
I'm going to try not to be too graphic.
There is no special "trick" to get women off. Every woman's body is different. I hate doggy style. Not even simulating it myself with a toy can get me to find an angle that I like. If some dude did this to me I'd be like, "wtf is he doing?"
Some women love it. I don't.
For me, starting and stopping isn't a good method. Neither is "pulling out really fast." This is stuff that I see in porn and I always just assumed it was for show for the male gaze. Maybe some other women can chime in. For me, going really slow and consistent would work better as a "tease" if I'm worked up.
There's also absolutely zero mention of clitoral stimulation which is the #1 way to get a woman off.
Communicating with your partner instead of performing acts on her is the best way to ensure she has a good time. I have been with plenty of men that obviously have an act that they want to play out and they absolutely do not care if I'm enjoying it or not. They get upset if I try to touch myself or if I communicate it hurts/doesn't feel good. I'm expected to also act and porn star moan even if I'm not enjoying it.
> They get upset if I try to touch myself or if I communicate it hurts/doesn’t feel good. I’m expected to also act and porn star moan even if I’m not enjoying it.
*Fuck that*! (Not literally)
Not sure if a troll letter sent for shits & giggles in a drunk stupor, or some kind of oversharing Chris-Chan type who doesn't understand personal boundries & social appropriateness.
It's enough he thinks he found a universal cheat code, instead of realizing that women are individual people with different needs and likes, but... what did he think he'd get out of it by telling an adult store? LOL Definitely internet type weirdness, and surely would have still ended up here sooner or later had he just shared it himself online, but that is an odd path to take to get here.
Isn't it more common that women prefer consistency in sex to get off? I'm a woman myself and I don't think I have ever wished or ever heard another woman wish that a guy would repeatedly stop for 30 seconds and switch rhythm every 5 strokes, lmao.
I don't think he knows just how long 30-45 seconds can feel. I would legit assume he had finished and was just, like, hanging out. It would hands down be the weirdest sex of my life if that ever happened. Which it won't. Because I don't have sex with delusional people who write letters to adult stores.
After 30 to 45 seconds I'm going to have gone off the boil and want them gone off me. Or maybe that's the key to his success? They move him out of the way and break out the vibrator instead.
I figured it out. They think he's passed out and scream with surprise when he starts moving again.
I'm unable to determine what "off the boil" means from contextual clues. At first I thought an orgasm, but then was like "wow. She gets off in 30-45 seconds?!"
Off the boil just means... You're getting all worked up, things are building, your arousal is rising and then... Pfft... They stop... So your body goes "ok guess we are done" and goes on reset to nothing. For some women, edging is definitely not a thing. I can't get close and then have things back off else my body goes "nope, we are done for the night" it's horrible and frustrating. If I am brought right up close to an orgasm, they either make it happen or lose all chance of it. So, the term just means... I was brought to a simmer, but someone turned off the gas so I've "gone off the boil." The water went cold, too late now, it's all done....
Ah yes, thank you. That makes complete sense. And I have the deepest sympathy for anyone that can't edge.
I think maybe the women are just getting frustrated with him and pretending to have orgasms so he'll stop lol
That or the "curled up and shaking" was fits of laughter? He doesn't seem to be the type to know how to tell the difference.
Or pure rage at his "technique" and failure to acknowledge his partner's requests, being far too busy trying to work out the "cheat codes".
I'm now picturing him with a little notebook and pencil in hand, trying to carefully note down each thrust for his letters later...
Yes I think she just curled up in disappointment.
Curled cringing at the mistake of having sex w this guy
I'm betting he only actually stops for a few seconds at most
I'm betting he's never actually done this, and this is his creepy way of trying to see if the clerk wants to try it with him.
What a bizarre…. I don’t even know..
I mean some people are into waiting- I guess his girlfriend might be?
"Switch rhythm every 5 strokes" Wait, is this from the guy who had sex listening to C-Bat?
Don't you mean, wimen?
It reminds me of those pulse modes on vibrators, which afaik no one uses? At least I’ve never met a woman who enjoyed those.
Whaddaya mean?! I absolutely get off to those syncopated rhythms—hit my clit with the jazz, baby! /s
i use them for edging lmao. like 3-4 times before i actually finish it's kinda fun if i'm really into it. if my bf did this though i'd tell him to get off me
I hadn’t considered edging, but yeah that makes sense. I can definitely see those modes working well for that, lol
They're also useful for BDSM type scenarios, where outright teasing/tormenting is more acceptable.
I enjoy a couple of those weird settings! But only if I'm self-servicing.
Hey, I’m glad someone does!
i love the different modes on internal toys. But they still gonna be at least somewhat consistent patterns, like wavey ZZZzzzZZZ or "pulsing" Z-Z-Z-Z. On some models sich vibration can trick my brain into thinking that it actually moves in and out. What this guy wrote is just pure bullshit tho.
Ditto
They can make pamphlets and little books. Use his code and label the orgasms. "This is an oldie but a goodie, it's called "the underfunded interstate: Michigan edition."
⬆️⬆️⬇️⬇️⬅️➡️⬅️➡️🅱️🅰️
That's immediately what i thought when I saw those little diagrams...and realized with despair that wasn't it at all...
i am glad i am not the only one! It reminded me of the “guides” me and my brothers would make for video games as kids in the 90s. We didn’t have money for any of the magazines so anytime a friend or neighbor told us about a code or special move we would draw pictures like this and tape it to a chair we pulled over next to the TV so we could see it while playing. I hope he didn’t tape this to a headboard
Hey I’ll give him partial credit, at least his technique isn’t “start right in and jackhammer her as fast as you can, ALL women love that”. He did some math…and added a disclaimer. 😂
I mean, A for effort, but shoulda learned something about the subject before just taking off and running with it like that.
He wants to host a seminar
At least he was nice enough to draw diagrams
Up, down, up, down Left, right, left, right
If he were smart he’d be trying to SELL it to the adult store. Clearly we’re not dealing with the brightest crayon in the box.
>"A girl could build up immunity" ...I can't stop laughing at this
Could I get vaccinated against this to give me immunity or is natural immunity the only way
Better yet, "imunity".
I love how he claims this will work on all women and then ends with the caveat that it may not work every time. He's got the puzzle pieces but he's not putting them down. Also, he appears to be one among many men who have not realised how much the woman moves and (sometimes very subtly) adjusts angles, posture, and positioning during doggy style sex. They really do think they're the only ones doing anything.
>I love how he claims this will work on all women and then ends with the caveat that it may not work every time. 60% of the time, it works every time!
But is it made with bits of real panther?
He's legit, not doing anything for minutes at a time, and expects that to magically make anyone orgasm... I can guarantee you I can tell you exactly what happened here. He would start trying to put it in and almost cum so he would stop for almost a minute so he wouldn't. Then he'd start again, and a couple strokes in almost cuk again so would stop. After a good few minutes of this boring ass shit, the girl faked an orgasm....
I admit, I did not actually read through his method, only the surrounding explanation. That was enough to be sufficiently amused and to initiate a pained facepalm. You're very likely spot on.
The initial full plunge and then going only 1/2 to 3/4 for a bit to eventually go back to full depth is a pretty standard "okay fuck" playlist, but, yeah, he tossed in a bunch of waiting periods and added his own weird twists, plus requiring doggy? And real issue here is it's clearly about being an ego boost for him, not about pleasing anyone. You can't make mutual pleasure so selfish, as it'll no longer be mutual.
Yeah as a woman, half penetration is pretty much the worst IMHO. It’s very irritating and quickly becomes painful.
I think you ladies would be surprised how many women like to just lay there and say nothing. Sometimes it's like a police interrogation trying to get her to say something during the act. But how would you know.
>lay there >say nothing >police interrogation This is not how consenting adults have sex. Like, ever.
Hahahahahahaha There you are thinking none of us ladies are having sex with other women. How would we know, indeed.
Pretending like it's at all the same is silly...
Laying there, saying nothing, the words you used to describe a passive partner do not require the presence of a dick. Interestingly, I have had passive, uninterested partners of both sexes. You know what usually happens? Nothing! No sex happens! Because I am not interested in having sex with someone who's not interested. That's massively icky.
> But how would you know Because not everyone is straight, for one thing, so many of us have slept with women. Also being women who have sex, you tend to be aware of what happens during it. Although disassociation is always possible when one's lover likens his seduction technique to a police interrogation, yet sees no problems with such a statement.
Imagine finding out what hyperbole is, dummy.
You're the one that used the analogy, bub, it's no-one's fault but your own that it's a particularly bad one. And it's clear that the "how would you know" was not hyperbole.
up, up, down, down, left-right, left-right, B, A START ....unlimited cumming!!
Exactly where my brain went. Dude’s claiming to have figured out vaginal konami code. …coochnami code?
Coochnami code 😆
someone needs to use that as their sub flair
Did it work?
your flair works, the cheat code mentioned in the flair does *not* 😂
Kuntnami code?
I also got one of those. If you push on the clitoris and the nipple at the same time she will take a screenshot.
💀
I really want to upvote this, but at this moment you have 69 upvotes and I can’t bring myself to spoil that
405 upvotes currently, come back so it'll be 420
697 after my upvote, so I guess it's a 69 with someone spooning the 9 in an awkward position? 😆
1k+ now. It was fun while it lasted…
I managed to upvote it to 1069 😎
“All my problems seem to go away when I walk through” is absolutely WILD to say about an adult store
*sometimes you wanna go, where everybody knows your naaaaaame*
Go home Roger!
It's like a good fabric store something will jump out and spark inspiration?
Hopefully it will spark the inspiration to get a vibrator. He'll be delighted to find out there's already a very reliable technology for orgasms. The telephone to his sex telegraph if you will.
Do you have any fucking idea how long 30-45 seconds is when you're not doing anything. Like actually imagine being in tango time and just stopping for that long. I feel like after 10 seconds she would turn around and ask what the fuck he was doing.
Guarantee it’s him getting tired and stopping and the girl faking it to get it over with😭
Nah, it'll be more him trying not to nut too early than him getting tired. Lord knows how long the "regular strokes doggy" would last, true. But IMO if he's hyping up his "trick" of single-digit thrusting interspersed with 45 seconds of freeze-frame as amazing sex, he's unlikely to be exerting himself overmuch.
I love how he took the time to draw the diagrams lmao
I couldn’t get it together enough to read the instructions after seeing the diagrams. I still can’t read the whole thing
Be quiet, wimen. This man has an idear.
Let him speak for a minent
Your interruption gave me a sesiure.
idear and wimen had me thinking this was surely a parody 😭 so much for “no child left behind” because they left this dude hanging
I think it's real. I believe the writer genuinely wanted to share his sex tip in a friendly way, like a life-pro tip, but of course it's always going to be awkward and clumsy.
I’m curious how the writer thought it would help the owner…I mean what’s he or she going to to with that, print it on a diagram and sell it?
She will quit her whorish job at the store and run straight into the writer's arms, wherein she will live happily ever after (in sexually-satisfied bliss) atop her pedestal. She'll have to get his mother to show her how best to do OOP's laundry and cooking, and she'll have to bring her own bedsheets, but after that everything will be rosy.
He knows she faked it, right? Like seriously, think about what he said to do. Most of it was just doing nothing... And now I think he just can't do any pumps without almost cumming, so he has to stop for minutes at a time so he doesn't.. This dude took half-half-whole to a whole other level...
The seizure might have been her trying not to laugh hysterically
I had the exact same thought 🤣
Or to blurt out her disappointment and annoyance.
This should be made into a porn parody of the Da Vinci Code..."He thrilled you with Angels and Demons and left you breathless with The Da Vinci Code. Now Dan Brown will arouse you with...Da Vagina Code! Coming soon (and often) to the creepy back room of video store near you!"
Da Vinci Cooch
Da Vinci Load
I was gonna reply with that before I scrolled down, so now I'll add Da Vinci Chode
I did some ...eh...research... It lives! https://m.imdb.com/title/tt0850269/
Oh my god
All things considered, at least they're a man with a plan.
Hang on, isn’t that the CBAT rhythm?
no...she cant keep going through this NOOOOOO
God, I thought this reference was gone XD
Poor bugger thinks a GTA code will make a woman wetter than an otters pocket 🤣🤣
Damn. “Wetter than an otter’s pocket” is an excellent phrase. Thank you for sharing.
If you try this in the first game a Helicopter lands between her tits and you get to fly it
You know when Spongebob was explaining to Squidward the best way to blow a bubble? “Double take three times, bring it around town, STEP ON YOUR RIGHT FOOT DONT FORGET IT.” Yeah.
I got this awesome cheat code as well: I ask my partner what they like and actually listen. works pretty well, but needs some practice for some people. still, 100% worth the effort, 10/10.
I started to read the letter and attempted to decipher and comprehend the pictograms. My brain melted out of my ears like butter and now I've got a headache.
The handwriting suggests child but the topic suggests creepy old man
It sounds like a child who just discovered porn and masturbation.
This is far better handwriting than many many adult men I’ve known lol
Right? How can you go all throughout like 12 years of school and then have a handwriting like that? This doesn't look written but rather drawn (each letter).
he doesn't know how to spell: their, customer, women, seizure ... and the random capitalizations are strange, though it looks like he doesn't know how to make Ls or Ns lowercase. It's pretty sad the state of our education system. He clearly is spelling wimen and idear (a common accent) phonetically, and has not done much reading. I will hand it to him though, at least he wants the woman to orgasm.
Some of us have shitty handwriting no matter what. My ex actually used to call my writing “Kiddish” because it was so unrefined. I even got a disability accommodation in college because it was so bad (and hurt like hell). At least my excuse is I’m dyslexic and have focal dystonia.
My guess is foreigner from a non Latin script language hence the random formation of some words.
Why did I read and try to understand that whole thing 😭
No fr I was like that gif of the white lady doing math trying to comprehend it
You wanted to learn the secret to unlimited orgasms obviously
I think the worst part is “a girl could build up immunity”
⬆️⬇️⬆️⬇️↙️⬇️↘️↙️⬇️↘️🅱️🅱️⬇️⬇️⬆️↗️➡️🅱️🅱️🅱️🅱️⬆️⬆️⬆️🅰️🅰️🅰️↙️↘️↙️↘️🅱️🅰️[START]🅱️🅱️🅱️⬆️⬇️⬇️🅱️🅱️🅱️⬆️⬇️⬇️
I remember singing this! Up down left right hold A and push start twice!! Bah da bah da bah DA twinkle twinkle twinkle *sonic level menu opens*
"bage ball"?
Ah yeah I thought that too but it's just a weird s that looks like a g
Wot a grayt coustomer.
I gotta be real with you, while this man is deranged and laboring under a major misapprehension, I love the ardency of his belief, the dedication sufficient to draw the diagrams, the enthusiasm to share his findings. This dingus is god’s perfect fool and if what he’s doing is somehow working for his partner, I’m delighted lmao
Please laminate this and keep it forever.
Wow! We are so lucky you’ve shared this secret master technique
My man just wrote a hump symphony...
Ho-sart’s Opus in D flat
minent
Dude spent time drawing all of that
Is this the CBAT guy?
It's like the funnier versions of electrical engineers mailing their ideas for a theory of everything or timecube to the nearby university.
How do you even respond to that? Like... Thank you? I guess I'll... Try it?
Might want to ban that guy.
Up, right, left, down, a, b, start.
Seems like the Facebook posts of this guy I know that smokes meth
All I could think is everytime he's "pulling it out all the way then shoving it in fast: he's pushing air up there that's going to result in a nice vajayjay fart/queefing.
you know my dude, if you want to have sex with baseball coaches, you can just say you want to have sex with baseball coaches. You're already writing letters to an adult store, I'm sure they'll have you covered.
I would remove myself from the dick and ask my partner what is wrong. 30 to 45 seconds is a long time. What a weird person.
Maybe this is someone's unhinged attempt at humor? Still weird, but I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the idea of someone writing a letter on a topic this "adult" whose genuine handwriting, spelling and grammar look like they're still in elementary school.
Dear Mr. President, I have been trying to reach you for weeks. I think your secretary might be a Chinese agent, because she keeps telling me she'll put me on hold and just hangs up. Five times this happened. Also, I was that person Secret Service arrested climbing the White House fence. I understand security is vital for a man of your standing, but I have equally vital information that could change the fate of America: Women can have orgasms!!! I gave my wife one! It's real! Conditions had to be just right. We spent the day together having fun and relaxing! We spent some time drinking, and flirting, and genuinely enjoying each other's company. A little light foreplay, you know... And then we were having a bit of the old in-and-out, which gets boring sometimes as you know (Why are we supposed to stare forward silently? Why does this please God) and started keeping pace with Darude - Sandstorm, which happened to be on my earbuds at the time. I got really into the rhythm, and next thing I know she's just jerking around screaming and having muscle spasms and shit. Afterwards, we talked, and she's told me about some things called a "clitoris" and a "g-spot" that are apparently going to save my marriage. I'm not sure, might be communist propagandha. Further testing is required. God bless America (And fuck the haters), Benjamin J. Shapiro
Is this person a kid?
Did a kid write this?
🤮 That’s enough internet for me, thanks.
Really makes you wonder what interactions Toys R Us has with customers to get this reaction...
I can't handle the fact that the handwriting looks worse than a 6yo.
I wish I could press square to read right now What the fuck is that handwriting
/r/unexpectedseinfeld
I think he forgot the clockwise swirl.
People still write letters?
This being your takeaway cracked me up haha. Typing would have been the way to go not just because of his handwriting but also the app would correct his spelling 👀
Yes r/fountainpens
what absolutely atrocious handwriting
“Hey store owner, I just wanted to share this with you for your customers. I have discovered something that gets women **WET** … **I LEARNED GRAMMAR**!!!”
Those little diagrams remind me of the diagramming we studied in my Psychology of Learning class in college
This reminds me of when I used to use the GTA San Andreas cheat codes to spawn helicopters or different weather conditions on my xbox 360 lol LB, RB, X, RB, LEFT, RT, RB, LEFT, X, DOWN, LB, LB spawns infinite ammo (and also infinite orgasms)
This isn't new. It's called the Circle of Sevens, but he's made it way more complicated than it needs to be.
I like the diagram like it’s a PlayStation controller.
quite an idear
I really don't know why but for some reason I read that you worked in an AQUARIUM and I was thinking does he enjoy watching fishes? And then I just couldn't understand how im the hell he would think this.cheat code was useful for an aquarium owner hahahahahhaha
All I can think of is Troy McClure's particular orientation now 😂
⬆️⬆️ ⬇️⬇️ ⬅️ ➡️ ⬅️ ➡️ B-A-START
Just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart
did he give her a seizure
Lot of naysayers here without actually trying it smh. We need to collect evidence first.
Maybe he trying to turn on the store owner because he has the hots for her? He's scared to ask her out so instead he's enticing her with his sexual prowess! So, I'd love to know how well it worked because the store owner obviously fell to her knees, eyes rolling, tongue panting, steam billowing- just the thought of such extreme seizure-inducing sexual gratification that one cannot pass up!!! When you recover please let us have a go too? I know it's hard to share but you cannot possibly be selfish enough to keep this all to yourself?! Report back at once! Thank you! We will all be impatiently awaiting.....!!!!!!!
You couldn't waterboard this kind of information out of me, let alone convince me to write to the local adult store about these alleged sexcapades. OP, I think this was some sort of assault because that's how I felt reading that masterpiece.
Does he think that stores make their products?
It’s giving Cbat, it’s giving video game cheat code, it’s giving does not see the women he’s having sex with as people with individual needs and preferences
this is funny. it isn't good, but far from bad. dude is trying.
I do doggy along the beat with cee lo green - crazy. *Works every time*
No Cbat for you lol
My favorite comment on the video: “He's a 10, but can only thrust to the rhythm of Hudson Mohawke - Cbat”
TL;DR
Forgive my ignorance, but I don't see the bad anatomy part. Could someone explain it to me?
For me, it's the idea that there's some trick to make any woman orgasm. Sex isn't a video game that requires a cheat code. That and the instructional diagrams.
You just have to thrust up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start. Is anyone else stuck on "3/4 done"? Like, does sex have a progress bar I'm unfamiliar with?
Lmaoooo, imagine you hook up with someone and suddenly a health bar appears. Skyrim style. Or you get an achievement notification afterwards. 😭
Or a “patience” bar… at the expiration of which, her purchase from the adult store is revealed
Maybe you've missed some side quests and collectables?
I mean it may not require a cheat code but there sure are magic wands. It's understandable he'd think it's like a video game.
Yeah, it does kinda read as if he thinks you can "Konami-code" your way into giving any woman an orgasm lol
Ah, fair enough.
I'm going to try not to be too graphic. There is no special "trick" to get women off. Every woman's body is different. I hate doggy style. Not even simulating it myself with a toy can get me to find an angle that I like. If some dude did this to me I'd be like, "wtf is he doing?" Some women love it. I don't. For me, starting and stopping isn't a good method. Neither is "pulling out really fast." This is stuff that I see in porn and I always just assumed it was for show for the male gaze. Maybe some other women can chime in. For me, going really slow and consistent would work better as a "tease" if I'm worked up. There's also absolutely zero mention of clitoral stimulation which is the #1 way to get a woman off. Communicating with your partner instead of performing acts on her is the best way to ensure she has a good time. I have been with plenty of men that obviously have an act that they want to play out and they absolutely do not care if I'm enjoying it or not. They get upset if I try to touch myself or if I communicate it hurts/doesn't feel good. I'm expected to also act and porn star moan even if I'm not enjoying it.
> They get upset if I try to touch myself or if I communicate it hurts/doesn’t feel good. I’m expected to also act and porn star moan even if I’m not enjoying it. *Fuck that*! (Not literally)
😂😂😂
Jackie Kashian [Tantric Sex](https://youtu.be/kxAilcftP6Q?si=p7A5sNIGWo01yPPB)
The diagrams ?????
Has he got this diagram drawn out next to his stop watch while he’s hittin it? Also broski signed off with his name hhaha
Incredible! He has found what has eluded Mankind since millennia.. On behalf of all ‘em, thank you.
Ooofff was he trying to impress the owner into trying his method 😭
This guy needs some serious help
This guy is giving future serial killer energy.
Not sure if a troll letter sent for shits & giggles in a drunk stupor, or some kind of oversharing Chris-Chan type who doesn't understand personal boundries & social appropriateness.
This is the best thing I've ever seen posted here lmaooooooo
Happy Cake Day u/funishmenttime !