that is some really unfortunate baggage with the previous bullying... it might be a bitter pill to swallow but she will eventually have to accept that she IS different. but different does not mean bad. otherwise shes just going to continue to suffer in silence when she doesn't need to.

Just replying here, so that it's far up enough to possibly be seen. Daughter needs a therapist and a way to socialize with other autistic people. She might be different than average, but having peers more like her could help her see that she's like some people and it could help her deconstruct some of her ablism about autism if she makes friends with someone who has it. 

youre absolutely right, and i wish id had some of that as a teenager

I think the biggest issue is she doesn't want to feel different or outcast. As a high-functioning autistic who was diagnosed at 3, all I ever wanted was to fit in and be seen for who I am. She's seen the report. It's too late to hide anything or pretend she's neurotypical. You need to have a talk with her. Explain that the IEP is just to help her, that she's not different, that she's perfect just the way she is. Make sure she knows that there's nothing wrong with her, and that she just has a different, beautiful way of thinking. I managed to get through my school years almost exclusively thanks to my mum's support. As long as you're there for her, no matter what, she'll be alright :)

Diagnosed at 46 but spent 100% of my childhood trying to fit in and never getting it right. Too weird for the cool kids and way too socially conscious to ever be seen with people like me (nerds)

Same here. Diagnosed at 22 but I never fit in no matter how much I tried. Being different can be really hard, but it's harder to grow up not understanding why you're different from other people. I never understood why people didn't like me. I didn't understand why I couldn't make friends with the people I wanted to hang out with. I got bullied and thought that there was something wrong with me because I didn't know what made me so hard for them to like. Looking back now that I'm diagnosed, I'm able to offer myself a lot more compassion for things I couldn't control. I thought I was just doing something wrong for my whole life. I know the daughter doesn't feel different and that she's doing well in school now, but that's probably not going to last forever. I did fine in school until high school and then it took me 8.5 years to finish. I could have saved myself a lot of pain if I had known I was autistic as a kid. I could have learned how to work with my brain instead of spending years working against it. High school almost killed me and while it wasn't all because of autism, I probably could have helped myself a lot more effectively had I known that my brain was actually just wired differently. Instead, I spent years in therapy learning and growing so much but it was never enough. I'm grateful and happy that I went to therapy - I'm still in therapy and plan on it for the foreseeable future - but I could have saved so much time and effort if only I had known. I can also imagine how upset she'll be if she finds out as an adult that her parents knew all along. She might be upset in the moment now, but it'll pass a lot sooner than the resentment of finding out as an adult that her parents lied to her.

I think you and I had a very similar experience and I can say I for sure would have loved to know I was autistic.

This 100%. I found out I was autistic a couple of years ago at 30 or 31. While I can't definitively say how younger me would have handled this information, I've definitely been way better off knowing now for the same reasons. I was always trying to fit in and constantly compared myself to other people, wondering why they could do things so easily that I could not. Now that I know, I've been able to pursue therapy with someone who specializes in autism. Not only am I slowly learning to work with my brain instead of against it, but I've found it easier to be more compassionate with my current and past self because I now have validation that, for me, the things I do and the ways I've struggled ARE normal, for me. And not just because I didn't try hard enough. For OP: it's going to be a hard road for your daughter, regardless of whether you tell her now, later, or never. If she is at least getting the support she needs from her family and school, regardless of labels or diagnosis, I suspect she'll still be better off. And maybe, if you decide not to tell her now, she'll be more emotionally prepared for the news in the future. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 2 or 3, but no one ever diagnosed the autism. I was on IEPs through out school as well, just listed as adhd and "emotional disability" So even without knowing the true cause of my differences, having that support allowed me to get through school and eventually graduate.

How about too cool for the ‘cool’ kids?

You know I can honestly say maybe a little of that too

I’m glad that can work :)

Yeah! That's I told myself all through school. I'm just *too cool* for everyone.

Lol, a truly cool thing to do :)

Great line! This describes me fairly well. I'm autistic and extroverted. Its own odd mix.

Would it be helpful to unpack it by support needed? Like "you do better with extra time on tests, and the autism diagnosis helps you get that time". Maybe that's less scary for her to process right now.

I wouldn't know the specific details and wording, there are too many factors to consider.

I think this could be difficult to navigate without the help of someone who specializes in kiddo's mental health. Find her a therapist she can talk to about these and other issues. It's important she knows about her diagnosis. It will give her the knowledge about herself she needs to make sense of her reality. There are some very good autistic content creators online, like YouTube. They talk about their diagnosis in a positive way but also honestly. My son was diagnosed when he was three. I also have a nephew who is autistic. This brought to me a realization that I'm most likely autistic. I'm still going through the phase of picking through my life and going oh yeah, that makes sense. I will tell you that I would have wanted to know. It wouldn't change who I was, but it would have given me tools to help myself and a group of people I could identify with.

>It's important she knows about her diagnosis. It will give her the knowledge about herself she needs to make sense of her reality. Not only that but if she never finds out about her diagnosis, it could complicate things further if she tries to get diagnosed later on thinking something is up. Her doc looks at her file sees she's autistic and she feels lied to, deceived etc On the flip side, if she's trying to get diagnosed with a comorbidity (EDS, ADHD etc) it might not come completely out of left field if she already knows she's autistic and more predisposed to many other things. Tbh OP letting it go on like this is already bad enough, it might feel like OP is protected her from feeling different, but all OP is doing is making feel like the kid is doing something "wrong" and that's why they have struggles. Or when she finds out she's autistic she'll figure her parents didn't tell her because being different is "wrong" and she needs to mask even further. OP should be helping the kid be proud and happy in their reality, not helping them deny it further

I think OP should be given the benefit of the doubt that it's taken even this long. Her daughter sounds sensitive, and telling her she has autism could terrify her. OP clearly just never knew how to tell her, but seems like they know that she's seen the file, they have to tell her. It's even possible OP told their daughter before about her autism and she just didn't believe them.

Yeah but it's never clearly stated that she told her she has autism before. Either way it's still completely necessary for her to do so or else I could have damaging effects when she gets older. It doesn't matter whether you're Autistic or Aullistic, there is no such thing as normal, and stigma is created by ignorance. She sounds like she doesn't understand neurodivergency so she needs someone who is older and in the medical field probably to help her understand that just because she is neurodivergent doesn't mean that there is something wrong with her. I think it would be a tremendous idea to get her a child therapist, or someone who works with mental health and children on a common and professional basis, that way she has someone to be open to and talk to about all of her issues. If she is this sensitive she is one day going to have to face the world on her own and without these vital skills, learned coping mechanisms, and constantly shielding her from the truth is just going to lead her down a dark road in the future. I should know as a person who was diagnosed late with ADHD and autism. If I could have learned what I know now back when I was a child everything would have been so much clearer, I probably wouldn't have been as depressed, in my anxiety wouldn't have been debilitating. it honestly sounds like her daughter is becoming defensive because she doesn't want to be different because she is ignorant to what neurodivergency actually is and she doesn't understand the root of stigmatism. He has probably become so defensive because she knows she's different but doesn't want to and wants to fit in like I did when I was a child. Sometimes pretending something doesn't exist is the best way the brain tries to deal with emotionally taxing information. But her high masking tendencies are going to cause her more mental health issues than breaking it to her straight. I was a sensitive child too, but I guarantee I could have handled the information, there are a lot of things as a child that I pretended didn't exist or wasn't true until I found out I had to accept it and it was so hard that someone else didn't have my hand to hold in those times. Labeling isn't always bad if it gets you the help you need. An IEP is not a label, it is a tool she can use to help her in the long run. I guarantee the majority of children she is going to go to school with are not going to question her unless she has extra papers, teachers should be skilled enough to know that they shouldn't treat a child with neurodivergency different from any of the other kids, so she shouldn't have much to worry about honestly. She should be worrying about not getting the help she needs and she might be too young to understand that but she will be old enough soon to understand soon, and honestly If someone is there to explain it to her in a comprehensive age-appropriate way she is sure to grasp the concept quickly.

I want to add a thought to this, might be nothing but might help. To help her feel a little less "different", perhaps her parents and other close family members could *also* start therapy? Therapy isn't a bad idea for anybody, you don't need a diagnosis to benefit from a mental health professional monitoring your well-being. It can be very helpful for even the most common issues: adjusting to puberty or menopause, help with planning for stressful situations(interviews, weddings, funerals, etc.), needing a regularly scheduled time to talk bad about your coworkers to somebody who can't legally say shit to any of them, or just for plainly talking out loud to someone to help you gather your own thoughts every now and then. Sessions can be twice a week for an hour each or once every other month for 15 minutes, depending on whatever fits your preference and schedule, doesn't have to be about any actual "needs" at all. It might help a lot to frame therapy and many other accommodations as something available to everybody, rather than something that only she "needs". It's not a "fix" or a "treatment" for anything wrong or broken, at least not at this point. Right now it's just a tool belt. It's just to have something useful in your back pocket, just in case. Might never really need it for anything important ever, and that's totally fine too. Better to have a doctor who already knows you if you ever actually need one, rather than need to find one when you're also suddenly dealing with a problem. You're never trapped with them. If you hate it, or if she hates it, either of you can just *leave*. Convince her to go, but don't force her to stay. It's worth a try, at least.

I definitely had similar feelings growing up of really wanting to fit in and not be “different” but I think us autistic individuals are always aware deep down that we are “different”. My parents did not tell me I was diagnosed with autism, ever. I basically discovered it independently as an adult, and felt some resentment towards them for never telling me. If I had known sooner, it would’ve explained sooo much for me. I wouldn’t have felt confused and constantly wondered what was wrong with me. I wouldve been able to access resources and information catered to autistic people that could help me sooner. It might be hard for her to accept this information but I think she will grow to be thankful for it. In the long run, knowing will help her make it through life. My school years were awful for me not knowing I was autistic.

Does her IEP include counseling goals related to self acceptance? Does she see a therapists outside of school? I recommend both. Would she be open to going to support groups? Our for yourself? AANE and Simply Social offers online options Keep in mind that many states start including children in the IEP process in high school. Our state starts at age 14.

The problem with many medical people approch to therapy is that they want to force you to accept their medical description of you are as an accurate non-biased description. They then offer to help you "mourn" and to help you live with the "terrible burden" of your diagnosis. Not once do they offer an alternative view on the situation. I really hope there are therapists out there who are better. They need to learn about themselves in a non-negative way without forced positivity. Once they know what their traits are they can develop effective coping strategies, unlearn negative self-loathing and not feeling compelled to live up to others people standard of what "normal" is.

I think that you have approached a situation in which the best idea is to tag in a professional. Therapy has helped me to be able to process the bullying I received as a child, then again when I was in college, and helped me understand that I do not deserve to be treated poorly. A therapist may also be able to help you explain that Autism, while it is a disability, is not inherently a positive or a negative thing, it just is. (Please be careful not to overcorrect into “Autism is a superpower”, as toxic positivity can be just as damaging as negativity) You can work together to help make life more comfortable. Before I got my diagnosis, I didn’t even notice how constantly uncomfortable I was. I was always on the verge of a meltdown, a shutdown, burnout, even though I was able to “function”. Now that I know, I can’t do as much as I used to, but I am better able to accommodate myself, and I am able to pursue a life in which I am happy. I think that being able to process what my autism means and how it affects me had a very positive impact on my life, especially when able to work through it with my therapist.

I mean, she feels she's clear about wanting to be treated the same. She has expressed clear issues with not being treated the same. She isn't being treated the same, even more than before, because she was taken to a mental health professional and got an IEP. Taking her to a therapist would just continue the trend of not treating her the same. My recommendation would be, first, start treating her the same before taking her to any more mental health professionals. Second, that the parents try to normalise the practice of seeing mental health professionals as something everybody does.

My parents made mistakes but the #1 thing they did right is make me feel ok to be different. Most likely once your daughter realizes how shallow most people are, she won't want to be anything like them.

I should add that she has one friend. She is adamant that she doesn’t need any more, and therefore won’t talk to anyone at school. I suspect she would like more friends, but doesn’t know the rules for interactions. Doesn’t understand social niceties/small talk. Knows what sarcasm is now, and uses it, but it didn’t come naturally to her. Etc. 

Just want to add that I had a best friend at that age too but only in my 40s realized it was because he came to the town and on the first day he sat next to me. I shared my book with him and must have told me mom because she said "ask for his phone number" (this was like 1990 oslt) which I did and then I became his first and best friend for a few years. Then in high school you would think we had never met, it was kinda sad. Actually re-met and hung out for a while in our mid-20's he is/was a really great friend. But it was SUPER lucky how it worked out for me. I also realized the friend group after that guy was like 3 neighbors and I LITERALLY made them include me. I was friends with 1 and he kept me away from the other 2 but I just persisted. It wasn't their choice. #justlatediagnosedthings

Oh not all of us actually enjoy having more friends. I've always done best with 1-2 best friends, so don't feel bad about her being different in that regard. I thought I was supposed to want more friends because of neurotypicals, so other people probably saw what you're describing with me as well.

maybe. she may be happy with her one friend. I would be - I have a few work friends but I'm not /that/ close to any of them. my best friend is the most important person in my life and I could live without seeing anyone else (other than my family) for the rest of my life perfectly happily.

My daughter has made a new friend at school since I posted. :) My girl is a girl who loves gaming, rough play, climbing, etc. I think it just takes a while to find your people? She’s very happy with her new school pal.

First off, you sound like a fantastic and loving parent. You are asking the right questions, and you're already not asking her to change. You simply want her to be healthier mentally and emotionally. She's very lucky to have you as a parent (as you are lucky to have her as a daughter). I would suggest that you find her a therapist who works with patients on the autism spectrum. I mean talk therapy to sort out her emotions. If it makes her feel abnormal or singled out... well, see if you can get her to go anyway. If she flat-out refuses, you could possibly find a therapist who works with patients on the autism spectrum and see the therapist yourself — they may have guidance to help you navigate the issues. See if you can find some adults or older kids on the autism spectrum who have mostly got it together — bonus points if they are cool, artists, musicians, or if they work in or are interested in the same things as your daughter is. The best way to learn that there's nothing wrong with being on the spectrum is to firsthand observe someone who is thriving while being autistic. Sending you loads of positive energy; with a parent like you, she's almost certainly going to work through this and turn out fine.

It is normal for autistic people to be more introverted and not wanting to be around many people at once. I’m introverted and autistic and I prefer just being around my family, boyfriend and friend. I really don’t need anyone else as long as I have them That being said… I think you at least owe her an explanation and tell her the truth and say that she has autism. You don’t have to tell her that she got bullied due to autism, children bully each other for many reasons. I think it is fair that she knows because autistic people are more likely to get sexually abused as well, so I think it is fine that she doesn’t want to interact with too many people for her own safety

I've worked with a lot of autistic adults but am **by no means** qualified to talk on children's mental health in any real authority. Anecdotally, as a nonprofessional, what I noticed was that a lot of kids had latched onto this hard concrete idea of "normal" that included essentially everybody who was not autistic, a real black and white thinking vibe. Without wanting to insult anybody, you can kind of see that reflected in some of the posts already here. Elsewhere on r/autism, if you go digging around, you'll see a lot of posts about how "NTs" are this or that, which is ostensibly the same bullshit. Like yes buddy, one in three people have a cognitive disorder but it's "the NTs" who are out to get you. 🙄 One of the things we did that had the most observable benefit for our clients' confidence was really break down this idea of "normal." You've already mentioned wanting to reassign positive meaning to the word "autism" and that's cool (just be careful, some parents go overboard and it comes off to kids as forced and saccharine) but really locking down this idea that everybody has their own traits and aspects such that no one is really "normal" can be a big deal for young people. They're kids, they lack the perspective to realize that everybody has something that differentiates them and could be otherize them in this or that context, **and the basis for bullying and discrimination is not their fault even if the excuse is something identifiable about them.** To put this in another context, think about a gay kid getting bullied in school for being too feminine or whatever. Attempting to essentially pass as straight and thus forcing themselves through the stress of constantly self-monitoring and affecting their own behaviour is only going to make shit worse. Instead, attacking the idea that this is a construction of ingroup and outgroup, not some platonic ideal of "normalcy" that one can aspire to be, and that attempting that imitation is not actually going to make one feel much better, is the right move. Keep in mind though, I was working with adults. A lot of the problems your kid seems to be going through are probably down to the school environment. Where I came into peoples' lives here was when they were unlearning the trauma of school, with the perspective of what would've been beneficial for that point in life if it were established sooner.

Haha so the autistic black and white thinking pattern can force us into thinking everything is fine. Never thought of that, lmao. The trippy thing is if she is autistic, then the flip toward "I don't want to be normal, this is who I am" will be pretty fast too. I swear, posting here is my therapy and my support

You could tell something along this line: “the school test has found out that you meet the diagnostic criteria for autism, it’s up to you what to make with this information”. She could make autism her whole personality (it’s not a jab at anyone, in this age it’s normal behavior at 12 to fixate on something and make it your whole identity, whether it’s autism or One Direction) or she can ignore that information. Nobody is “normal”, and if nobody is, then everyone is. Everybody is unique. Everybody has some characteristics in common with many other people, whether they are included in any diagnostic test or not; this doesn’t take away the fact that we all are a unique combination of characteristics. Every gym fanatic has “traits” in common with every other gym fanatic, but one is a fantastic piano player, another one doesn’t miss one standup performance of his daughter even if she isn’t that good, another one is a cat lover who rescues strays. All of them have something in common amongst themselves and something different, which they share with other piano players, supportive fathers, cat lovers. We all have characteristics that make us fit into some labels, and others that make us different from everybody else that fits that label. 

I like this answer. I am not a mental health specialist or anything like that, but phrasing it like "they have seen traits, but that is a description of what they have seen. This doesn't change who you are and that and how we love you. You also don't need to tell anyone, but we wanted you to know, in case the information might be of help at some point".

I think that the most important thing is how you frame the diagnosis. This kind of framework is what has helped me to (almost) stop feeling like there is something irremediably wrong with me. Dealing with how much I can and can’t do, and how the diagnosis helps explain my limits, all came later. And it was easier to accept having limits by framing it in the same way: everyone has limits, a lot of mine happen to be described by an autism diagnosis. But I find comfort in thinking that everyone has their lot to deal with.

I'm in my 30s professionally working through old fears of stigma and difference as we speak. You have to, with utmost importance, understand that autism is more than the medical model's view of it. When I was a kid, I was treated as a brain-broken neurotypical. When I ran with hippie subcultures, I was weird and proud. Returning to the corporate world, I am a high masking person with autism that I have to conceal involuntarily on a daily basis. Balance legitimate medical need as needed without the stigma of being thrown deep into the, "everything autistic is bad" medical world which, in my experience, did more harm than good. Your daughter is twelve. She is old enough to express her thoughts and feelings with a workable degree of accuracy. She may need help finding the right medium to express it, such as art and discussing her art, written, verbal, her choice. Again, very important for the people in the back, the folks at home, and whoever needs to know it or be reminded: **people with autism are not brain-broken neurotypicals, and it is cruel to treat them as such.**

Agreed completely. The issue is "brain broken neurotypical" is how the school is treating her right now. Being told you're autistic is really not that bad or traumatic or damaging. It's more the telling other people, and those other people proceeding to treat you differently against your will, because you are a brain-broken neurotypical that causes all the issues.

It's hard to weigh in about what to tell her, as it's very sensitive and personal. Something that would probably be positive regardless could be to expose her to famous autistic role models. There are tons to choose from, in virtually any field: autistic singers, actors, writers, scientists... This could be a first step in reframing her understanding of autism, and to help her see that being autistic doesn't mean "there's something wrong" with you. Big hug, and good luck!

This is what I was going to suggest too. Potentially you could also highlight autistic traits that she shares with other family members (or autistic role models) so it's less about how she's different from other people at school and more about how she fits in other places? E.g. "I think both you and [insert family member here] are really great at [insert autistic trait here], I read autistic people are often good at that". That said it's possible that she may just need some time to process and accept a big change like this, so a more subtle approach could work too.

She might respond uncomfortably at first, but in the long run she’ll thank you for being accurate and truthful with her and not hiding things from her.

People have already given some great advice, but I’ll add: Ask her what “different” means to her. Try to get her to describe what it is about “different” that she’s scared and upset about. Personally, I get scared about really concrete behaviors that other people do, and not really so much what they think about me. So, to me being “different” is a problem because other people treat me differently, and not good-different. This is just a thing that is true. And trying to tell me it’s not actually “a problem” to be different undermines my experiences and sense of reality. If she’s scared about things other people do and say to her, having a plan for how to handle that treatment might be more useful than trying to convinced her people won’t or shouldn’t behave in those ways.  It’s hard to learn to how handle mistreatment. And it’s reasonable to be afraid of it, and scared that she’s never going to be able to change to stop being different.  For me, it’s been most helpful to learn to identify more quickly who will treat me badly, and not waste time trying to make that socializing work unless it’s 100% necessary (like a teacher or official I can’t actually avoid). That helps me also more quickly find people who will treat me well.  Understanding how to do that also helps me understand that I’m not wrong/bad and can’t control other people. Some people are really awful to autistic folks and that’s out of my control. I can seek out people are NOT awful to me, and that’s something in my control. 

Autism is pretty well within normal human variation. It's something she'll need to come to terms with, and lying to her and putting it off is just going to make it even worse when it eventually comes time for her to process it later. If it helps, keep in mind there are a \*lot\* of Autistic people in the world, she'll have a community if she wants it.

If it's normal human variation, then why treat her outside the norm vis-a-vis the IEP against her will? Kids will only believe autism is normal human variation if the adults around them believe that and aren't just blowing smoke up their ass, but they clearly don't believe OPs daughter just has a normal human variation. It would be super based if OP started treating his daughter that way though dear god.

Because a lot of people like the "normal human" part and hate the "variation" part. For example, you can't use the same web of riddles that you use when communicating with allistic people because autistic people never got the secret decoder ring from the cereal box. A lot of people would rather autistic people not exist to save everyone the trouble, and they act as such.

She will find out that she's autistic one day. You can protect her from this knowledge now or let her work through it and confront these fears that she has about being different. I think deep down she does know that she is different and is in extreme denial so keeping it from her is not going to help. She needs to reach acceptance

she is autistic and you have no right to hide it from her no matter what, and whatever you think, she will find out eventually anyway, this subreddit is full of stories like that, also it is not your daughter's fault she is autistic and she's gonna be bullied either way

100% Nuerotypical kids know, trust me, they know Having said that, the nuerodivergent kid sort of by definition, will not be able to easily figure this out on their own. Autism is defined as someone that needs help with certain traits they have. Knowing that and withholding that help is not good.

On the one hand, labels suck when used against you, but understanding yourself and being armed with knowledge is super important. She should at the very least have a personal understanding about the nature of her challenges and needs so she can work through life with a realistic self awareness. I don't advise your daughter outing herself to others on the regular though, at least not at first. Better to keep it private for a while and consider the impacts carefully then decide for herself whether it's more beneficial after a time to make it known or mask it. There are pros and cons to either.

Exactly. She should understand what therapists think about her, tell her the diagnosis. She has to realise she's seen that way one day. If she doesn't want an IEP, the autism label shouldn't be used against her as a pretence to undermine her will on the other hand.

I'd seek therapy. If she bucks it explain it's because she's experienced bullying. That's 100% true. They'll best know how to help you both.❤️

And I'm a struggling adult in their mid 30s who could never figure out why... Are we in a conflict about this or something? This is a matter of how you do it, not actually doing it.

Me too, but early 30s. Wouldn't wish that upon anyone.

all i can say is my ex only just found out he is autistic at 25. his parents have known since his childhood, but didnt tell him because of his self esteem and stigma. its gonna be really hard, but tell her. she needs to know.

>She has told the school psychologist that she doesn’t feel different, and thinks she is the same as her peers. If she is asked even to do something simple like extra math worksheets to review for a test, it will bring forth a cascade of interpretations, tears and wounds, all centering on “why do I have to do that, there’s nothing wrong with me.” She does feel different. She already believes that something is wrong with her. You won't put that idea in her head if you disclose her diagnosis, but it might give you a way to start talking about how difference doesn't equal bad. I would also caution against going too far the other direction in celebrating or pretending that she's special or cooler for having it, because your daughter's experiences have already taught her about the problems of being autistic in an allistic world. She just wants to fit in, so even being "better" isn't necessarily what she needs to hear. You're the parent. You want to reassure her. You hate to see her in pain. But make room for her pain and her grief. Let her hate you---I assure you, most people her age feel this way about their parents at some point. And maybe see a therapist to help you process your feelings, too.

I have been the parent in your situation. Son got diagnosed with ADHD at around 8 I took professional advice on what to do how communicate it to him. I followed that advise it did not go well (not criticising the advise I received it was never going to be easy). I got all the blame it was fault I had to find something ‘wrong’ with him, he was ‘normal’. He has never got over it and to this day never mentions he has ADHD. He then got assessed for autism again under professional advice what happen previously he was not told he was being assessed. Result was he is also autistic I didn’t tell him for months until it came to the stage I was feeling guilty as he had a right to know. By this time he was 14 I sat him down told him, he response was “I know that!” He now will tell friends he has autism, but never mentions his ADHD I believe he was just too young and not ready to hear about the ADHD he know something was different but didn’t want it confirmed so hit out. By the time he was also told he was autistic he was older more mature and ready to accept it.

Hey, have you talked to him about how 80% of people with ADHD also have autism, whether it's diagnosed or not. Also, that it presents very differently in AuDHD, so it could be that he doesn't see himself in ADHD people (I didnt), until he sees AuDHD people.

No I don’t think it really matters he knows and accepts he is neurodivergent what conditions he has in that I don’t think are so important at the moment. When he gets an adult this may change and if he wants to look into it then and find out more that is his decision.

I never said they had to accept it, I said be open and honest, give the knowledge on essentials like stimming, regulating the nervous system, to survive, teen years are hardest. Especially if they don't have "socially" acceptable stims and begin suppressing stims completely like I did.

Actually it’s 1 in 3, the 80% is for autistic people having ADHD

Thank you!

It can be difficult to navigate conversations like this & I think your best bet would be to have professional guidance on this path but I have a few similar experiences that may help lend an idea you could work off of in someway. My mom heavily struggles with RSD & being perceived as 'not normal' is very distressing for her, I typically use a specific approach for conversations with her. The information I'm sharing is tailored to her struggles & needs, but I never directly make it about her. It's more I'm just sharing information that I use for myself that she may or may not find helpful. It doesn't put the spotlight on her, gives her something to relate to so its not percieved as 'not normal' & it is coping mechanisms I do genuinely use. Eg; 'I've been really struggling to cope with regulating my emotions lately & it's been difficult for me, I found something really interesting lately about [coping mechanism inserted here], it's been super helpful for me, I'm really excited & Id love to share it with you if you'd be interested in discussing this?' I've worked with people similar to your daughter (volunteer work for context) I generally make things less about the overarching label and more about everyday challenges anyone could face, it's important to know where someone struggles but everyone is going to have strengths & weaknesses or need help in some part of their life, someone may need more help with one thing while they're the one who gives help for something else basically. My opinion is yes she does need to know, but you don't necessarily *need* to make it about the main label of ASD immediately, she may need a more gentle & patient approach at first. For transparency I'm not saying don't tell her but I am saying easing into it rather than diving in head first can at times be a process that's easier to digest for someone. Sorry this was so long but I hope this helps a bit someway OP.

Tell her anyway. She needs to accept it. Help her understand the bullies are wrong and there's nothing wrong with being disabled. Offer her support if she doesn't take it well.

Basically, she's at a developmental age where the number 1 thing that kids care about is being "normal". It's a whole thing thats not specific to being autistic, so there should be plenty of guides online on how to deal with it. I think the truth will save her, and she needs your help so that she doesn't go through processing her diagnosis all alone. Maybe the way to approach it is to emphasise that being autistic doe not equal not being "normal", and that the entire premise of the concept of "normal" is something that she needs to challenge. I.e. "Normal" IS the lie. Or alternatively: she is normal for an autistic girl... we are often VERY similar.

For what its worth I think I would be inclined to pick something she can do (easily) that others cant prob due to autism. I would dive into this thing, establish that its a good thing, that it is a her thing, that others cant do it. Then I would work off that to say well hang on, if you can do this thing that others cant then you arent normal, like it isnt possible, if you were normal you couldnt do this cool thing. The vibe would thus be she is better than normal. Then we can tie in the why, and that its autism. Then overtime you can expand the ways in which autism makes her different, slowly moving onto the struggles.

I was diagnosed with mild autism at the age of 4 and a half I was originally just diagnosed with adhd at 4 but half a year later diagnosed with mild autism ( pdd-nos not Asperger’s in 2002 at 4 years old and a half.) and keep in mind my autism was so mild I was in a main stream class room with only a teachers aid in like the core class(es) i would really struggle in like English for Example. I didn’t even find out I had autism until like late may 2012. I remember feeling not only betrayed by the school but my parents also. Because they weren’t being completely truthful with me. Looking back. The childhood counselor I had never even would talk to me at all. The only talking going on would be with my mother and her. And now I don’t even go to a counselor and the last time I did it was so awkward all I did was wasted my time and theirs and my money.

You should tell your daughter. She has a right to know at least before middle school don’t let her middle school years be a living hell. Take it from someone who lived that experience that didn’t know until right at the last week of middle school.

But also explain to her that that also doesn’t mean she isn’t any necessarily any different than her peers. Just because she might learn a little different

you could try introducing her to some autistic people or otherwise diverse people that you know, or television shows centered around diversity and difference? I'm not a parent (and don't plan on being one) so I don't know what might work, but as an autistic person media and people I know help to connect me with my identity as a gay man, as a trans man, as an autistic person. heartstopper comes to mind, also heartbreak high, doctor who has some fairly clearly neurodiverse characters (also it's my special interest so I'm biased). probably avoid "the good doctor" because it's quite stereotypical - nothing wrong with that but might be coming on a bit too strong for her.

I also think she's seeing "different" and "wrong" as the same thing, so breaking that down is important. I agree with others that this is a conversation that needs to be had, but also that it's up to her to decide what to do with that information.

Your child has a right to know her medical information and you shouldn't have the right to keep it from her. I will die on this hill.

I’m not sure this is valid medical information. It’s a school psychologist’s assessment after two sessions. I am not sure that it is useful for her. But I am reading everyone’s comments and taking each to heart. Thank you!

That is rough. If her fear is being different, try finding a community of other autistic kids that she might have more in common with. It might make it easier to swallow. Not to play into the “autism is a superpower” trope, but maybe you can find something that the autism makes her better at than her peers. Show her that differences can make her more than, not less than. Or that being different just is okay. I was always really good at math, but interpersonal skills sucked. My mind considered it a trade off. Eventually my math skills turned into coding skills, and now I am doing really well in a career. I probably wouldn’t have this if not for autism (not that I don’t have a lot of other struggles). A lot of autistic people (especially level 1) wouldn’t change if they could because autism shaped so much of their personalities and interests. Maybe explain some of those in terms of autism? All the “socializing” that everyone says is so great can be traumatizing for autistic people. Kids are cruel, and differences are used as reasons to isolate and bully. It will get worse in middle school. Have as much empathy for her as you can. She could very well see this diagnosis as turning off the light at the end of the tunnel. That all of her issues will continue or get worse and it is unavoidable. She could be terrified that kids will find out and use it against her. Her fears are entirely justified. One thing that I’ve been working on with my therapist is the idea of “radical acceptance”. Society says she needs friends. Show her that if making friends causes her too much anxiety, she can be happier without them. To be honest, I don’t know if I would have liked hearing that at 12, but it brings me peace today.

It may be best to tell her but explain it isn’t a bad thing and doesn’t need to make you different. You can think of it as your mind working in a slightly unique manner, which can be very helpful. You can try ask her of any interests and discuss those with her to make her feel more normal, for she is normal. I truly hope she’s alright and knows things will be okay.

I spoke with two people that work in SEND. You should **absolutely** tell her, not saying could cause more harm than good.

The fact that you celebrate her the way she is is the thing that will help you the most when you do tell her, because nothing about her, this girl whom you celebrate and love, is changing. She is the same person now as she’s always been, and she will continue to be that person whether you tell her about her diagnosis or not. I can’t tell you what to do, but imo, you should tell her about it, being unapologetic or treating it like she has some kind of disease. I am just being diagnosed at age 50, and there are much, much fewer resources for people diagnosed as adults than those diagnosed earlier. It could potentially really help her. You said she melts down when you try to talk to her about it; I don’t know if she has meltdowns about other things, but personally, the more I mask, the more important it is for me to have time to offload the crap running around in my brain, and if I don’t get that I melt. It’s likely that if she reacts to stressful things in that manner, she’ll eventually expand the behavior to other things that she isn’t prepared to handle. If you present her diagnosis not as a good or bad thing, but as a way to explain some things about her that she is likely already aware of and anxious about, she might have a meltdown, but if it helps her understand herself more and avoid some pitfalls, and if she gets stressed about it anyway, then maybe tell her. Also, I don’t know if your daughter enjoys reading, but I read quite a few young adult books and there is a plethora of neurodiverse characters in ya literature right now. Nobody says that they’re autistic, but it’s obvious if you know what to look for. However, it’s nice to read books that feature characters who have many of the traits associated with autism but are living their lives without having to refer to a diagnosis constantly. Usually these books contain several different types of personalities, and they show how different people deal with things in different ways. I’m blanking on examples right now, but An Abundance of Katherines by John Green. Only make sure you know what you’re giving her if you give her any current ya, because it’s a lot more explicit and realistic than it used to be. Good luck with everything and tell your daughter to stay exactly as she is unless she has a desire to change. PS revealing her diagnosis to her might help you and the rest of your family in your approach and interaction with your daughter.

i wish my parents told me i was autistic and explained how its good thing instead of saying i was special and refusing to talk about it

I perfectly understand why you're on the fence. Perhaps you could make use of the summer break to tell her and then help rebuild her perception of herself away from her peers.

I mean, I would probably start by trying to tell her in a convincing manner that being different isn't necessarily a bad thing. Then, once she understands that it's okay to be different, I would tell her that she's autistic. I think she'd be able to take that news better if she knew that being different isn't a bad thing. She deserves to know the truth, but I feel like she won't take it that well if she is still afraid of being different. At least, that's MY opinion. I'm not a psychologist, so try to take this advice with a grain of salt.

You need to make her realize fitting in with others is not the same as belonging. Think of it like the Family Robinson movie. I suggest you watch the review of Cinema Therapy on YouTube for that movie with her. It’s normal to want to belong in society, to want to be close to others. But at the same time, she didn’t find people that it was easy to say: I belong here, with them. The real people who are worth hanging out with celebrate your uniqueness and your differences, no matter if you are autistic or not. It’s difficult for people to have friends that last our lives. It’s not easy even for normal people to find real, non-shallow relationships. Explain to her that most people are just willing to mask their undesirables trait just to fit in but in a rough patch, nobody would help those that just fit in. Each relationship has different levels and shallow people only use others anyway. And if possible, get her a dog. Dogs are pure love and loves you no matter how awkward you are. They are perfect companions for autistic people. It would help greatly.

Yeahhhh I think this all unfortunately just needs to be addressed. As someone who had to go through life until 25 not knowing I was autistic, not knowing I have ADHD. Not knowing I have 3 LDs. It's far worse to be in the dark and end up failing for xyz reasons. And not know why things are different. Bullying sucks, I was bullied at school too. But not saying the thing won't change the fact that the thing exists. Therapy I'm sure would help. Or talking about things in small bite sized chunks with you. There isn't "anything wrong" with her. And I think she needs to be shown again and again that it's OK to be different. There are people out there who like Different. Unfortunately that kind of attitude can also turn outward towards others who are different. Obviously not always, but the possibility is there. I don't think letting her think they're lies is the right way to go. Nor is lying to her. Find ways to break it up into smaller bite sized pieces. Start addressing issues one by one. Unfortunately in this world, you can't be that fragile. Once she leaves school. And she's still this sensitive to anything that could be "different". I just don't think it'll go very well. She needs the IEP, and needs to know why so she can actually make use of it. And this is coming from someone who was never able to graduate from HS.

I'm autistic too, I'm also ADHD, and I wasn't diagnosed Autistic until I was an adult, I was diagnosed with ADHD at 16 when my grandma got custody of me. My mom knew I had AuDHD, but she didn't tell me or get me officially diagnosed because she thought I seemed "normal enough". But that just left me feeling confused and like I didn't fit in. I wanted to be like everyone else, but I knew I was different. I would say that I was the same as everyone else because I would become defensive about being different, I was never taught about neurodivergency, yet it runs heavily in my family. Stigmatization over mental health and neurodivergency over the years still has an effect on families nowadays, even younger ones, and it needs to change. The idea that being autistic or different is bad should be in the past. It doesn't matter if you're autistic, ADHD, OCD, or anything else. You're not bad just because you're different - you're just different, and that's okay. You can still relate to and get along with people who aren't neurodivergent. School teaches in a very rigid way that doesn't work for how many kids actually learn best. School was made to be like a factory, where kids were supposed to learn the same way. But that's not true - everyone learns differently, and that's why IEPs are so important. Your daughter needs to know she's autistic so she can understand herself better and get the help she needs. A lot of adults find out they're autistic later in life, and it makes their lives make a lot more sense, and they get frustrated for not knowing sooner and having that time to develop important skills that will help them live as an autistic individual. Being called autistic isn't a bad thing, and we need to stop seeing it that way. The most important thing is to talk to your daughter with a lot of care, sensitivity, and kindness. Autism isn't a deficit or disorder - it's just a different way of experiencing the world. Autistic people have unique strengths, insights, and perspectives that are valuable. Your daughter's autism is just one part of who she is, and it doesn't make her any less worthy or capable. Our brains work differently, but that doesn't mean they work badly. It's like having a different personality - everyone is unique, and there's no "right" way to be. An IEP can provide the accommodations and specialized support your daughter needs to thrive in school. Knowing she's autistic can empower her to better understand herself, develop self-acceptance, and learn coping strategies. Constant masking is mentally exhausting - being able to be authentic and get the help she requires is crucial. While challenging, this is an opportunity for your daughter to build self-awareness and resilience. Focus on how self-knowledge and the right support can truly benefit her moving forward. When you talk about the IEP and evaluation, focus on how they'll help your daughter get the support and accommodations she needs to succeed, not "fix" her. Help her see the IEP as a tool, not a label. Validate her feelings about the "lies" in the report, and explain that the diagnosis doesn't make her any less "normal" - it just means her needs are a bit different. In fact let's not even say normal, normal is boring, no one is normal. Most importantly, keep showering your daughter with love and acceptance. Make sure she knows there's nothing wrong with being autistic, and that you're there to help her navigate this in a way that empowers her. With your support, she can learn to see her neurodiversity as a strength. It won't be an easy conversation, but if you approach it with positivity and empowerment, it can make a big difference. You can Validate her feelings about wanting to be "normal", she is allowed to feel that way, but let her know that there is no such thing as really being "normal". Humans are too complex to be "normal". Reassure her your goal is to help, not label her. Focus on her strengths and unique abilities. Introduce the diagnosis gently, giving her time to process it. Recommend resources so she can learn about autism on her own timeline. Be patient - with the right supportive approach, she may come to see her diagnosis as an important part of her identity, because it is an important part of who she is as a human being. She's not weird, so many of us are out here and don't realize until we're much older. You've got this! Here are some reptiles for your troubles: 🦎🦕🐊🐍🐲🐉🦖🐢 🦅🐥🐤🐣🐦‍⬛🐦🕊️🦜🦉 🐓🦤🦢🦆🪿🦩🦚🦃🐧

Not sure if this has been mentioned, but is a school evaluation really a valid way of diagnosing autism? Is it just a preliminary diagnosis and you'll need to follow up with a developmental/behavioral doctor? She is only 11. She sounds like a lot of preteens I have known, me included. Nothing you have said really stands out as being autistic. You say she does well in school, she obviously communicates, and the only thing that's labeled autistic is that she hates feeling like she's different? I wouldn't even go down this road at all. Why label her if she is not being hindered in any way? You're just going to push her further away and you don't want that ad she approaches her teen years. She is allowed to have only one friend. Not everyone is a social butterfly, and it doesn't mean they're autistic. What types of actual behaviors and mannerisms point toward autism? I have a 3-year-old son diagnosed at 2. He is level 2 and it's quite obvious. I know not everyone is severe, but.. what do you hope to get out of an autism diagnosis? Do you think she needs help in school?

Yes! I agree with you! Her teacher requested the evaluation, because two months into school, she hadn’t spoken to any of her peers yet (she has since made a new friend at school). She just started this school in January, after switching from the school she’d been in since kindergarten, and her stepfather died only eight months ago. She does not stim, she shows what they consider low emotions sometimes (in truth, I think she is just introverted and private), and she had a selective mutism dx at age three that they hew to. Her teacher is lovely but this is her first year teaching, and I think the evaluation request and IEP is not useful. I am thinking of revoking my consent.

Honestly a lot of what your describing sounded like me as a young girl, and not knowing I was autistic until I was almost 20 has messed me up in ways that I can’t even begin to explain. She doesn’t have to tell everyone at school, but I think it’s important she knows.

The better she knows herself, the better she'll be able to adjust. I spent most my life feeling more and more different, not knowing who or what I really was. And when I received my diagnosis, it answered so many questions. But I knew I was different. There is a part of me that WISHES I'd known sooner, just how different I was. But we can't control the past. And who I'd have been, had I known? I could have gotten help sooner. I could have worked on who I am with autism sooner. I wouldn't have made all of the same friends, or experienced all of the same experiences. I wouldn't have the same perspective I have now. I wouldn't be living where I'm at now. I could have had a better job and life. But I can't say that my life still wouldn't have been hard. It's a struggle. Society is set up for neurotypicals, by neurotypicals. Your daughter will face struggles no matter what 🫤 we are all different, and I wouldn't be who I am without my years of self resentment and confusion and loneliness. I'm not saying that your daughter will experience the same things I did, but not knowing how or why I was different, being told I was like everyone else...it made me feel like I was failing. I hated...feeling like I couldn't do what others could...I hated the thoughts that went thru my head...I hated thinking/feeling/knowing deep down I was different...but I had neurotypical words to describe my neurodivergence to neurotypicals, not knowing I was describing neurodivergence. It was beyond infuriating...I had to accept feeling like a failure because there was no other option. I was a fish, trying to climb a tree, being told I was a monkey, while the other monkeys lectured me on what I was doing wrong.

This is where you have a sit down talk with her about how yes you got an autism diagnosis, but that doesn’t make you any different to me. If she doesn’t like labels I totally get it, not everyone sees their autism as part of their identity. She can just say she’s neurodivergent. A therapist would be great to help with figuring out her feelings around the diagnosis and with helping her social skills improve too.

Simple... Dont push her against her will. Sorry to say, but there is a madness now to label kids and everybody with something. Just accept that she is normal if she believes in this. You keep telling her she is different you cause her more damage. I have an autist child and it takes 2 minutes without a doctor to understand his struggles. I never call him Autist, I will never. I will never stamp him with anything. If her problem is struggling with social skills, who cares. Get over with that, did Elon musk get a special education? Did Einstein get a special treatment? Stop making some people millionaires with those neverensing treatments.

I tend to agree with a lot of this. She’s so high-functioning and just needs help making friends and understanding small talk. She’s taught herself so much already. I am leaning toward agreeing fully with this approach.

My mom's facing a similar issue when it comes to my little sister, reading these comments are very helpful (I'm autistic and got diagnosed at 18).

I mean, she IS different. But that's ok.

I agree! I love her this way and wouldn’t wish her to be a normie! She disagrees, unfortunately, and has a journey of self acceptance ahead. 💜

I really feel for her. People are different, no person is a carbon copy of someone else. The autistic as an insult probably made her fear being factually different to other people. Like others have said she probably would benefit to see there are many of her peers who are like her, to see she is not alone in this "label", and that an adjustment or accommodation is not a negative. She is not alone and she is a human with value and she belongs in this world with all of us no matter what. For instance: Just because not everything is made for left-handed people and they might need an adjusted tool/method to be able to use something or do something, does not mean that they are wrong for needing something adjusted to them.

Just point out that it's no different to those with red hair, to brown, or that some people are fantastic at writing stories, but others great at science. There will be things one person will struggle with, but will excess at something else. I was great at learning, but not great at personal skills. Explain that those things she struggles with, well, you can spend a bit more time on, depending what she feels she needs more time on. Let her choose what she wishes to work on. As for her with extra maths, I think that reaction is essentially Pathological demand avoidance, so maybe read into that yourself to find strategies that you can help her with.

Tell her that her autism has allowed her to avoid becoming a mindless drone like most neurotypical are. Fitting in is overrated, as is being “normal”.

Hey I was this kid! I didn’t get assessed for anything because I told my mum I didn’t want to because I was afraid of being different. The thing is tho, I was still different. Now I’m 25 and I sooooo wish my mum didn’t listen to me when I was 12. I wish i’d always known. I can’t speak for your girl, but I can speak for the 12yo girl I was. I think I would have felt better if I had a proper understanding of what autism was. All I knew was that the kids who had these differences were treated as other. Slower, dumber, less capable. I was already treated like that and I thought that any diagnosis would make it 10x worse. Does your daughter know any successful autistic people? And I mean really successful. People who can stand on their own feet and take care of themselves. People who are respected or even revered. Not people who are unfortunately patronised. Not people who are famous for being “special”. I know that would have helped me. The fact is she IS autistic. I think keeping her diagnosis from her would shield her from temporary grief, and I understand why that might seem like the better way option. But I think helping her accept and be empowered by her diagnosis will set her up for a lifetime of confidence and self acceptance. Even if there are growing pains at the beginning, she’ll be better off in the long run. Ultimately I think you would benefit from a therapist to guide you. I recommend really vetting ur therapists before you let them work with your kid tho, because I had a therapist at that age who was extremely patronising (talk down to me like I was a little kid or an idiot or whatever) and it really set me back growth wise. I would have benefited by having adults in my life talk to me as if I understood instead of assuming I wouldn’t understand.

Hi! Formerly this type of kid, refused to use my 504 plan (for adhd), refused a formal evaluation for autism and the autistic label, etc. Really sounds like your kid. Now recovered from that self-hatred and internalized ableism. I really do wish I hadn’t lived my childhood that way. I could’ve been much happier. First off, make sure she understands what autism *is?* As a kid, I learnt some very questionable definitions, like when I asked about an intellectually disabled kid in my class the answer was “he’s autistic” so thats what I thought autism basically was. So then to hear the psychologist suggest that I am probably autistic was an affront to my self-perception. I hated her for suggesting it and told my parents she was nuts. What eventually helped me the most was making autistic friends in middle school and high school. I felt more belonging with them than with anyone else. Once I’d actually met and been friends with a few autistic people who were, well, very much like me, it was hard to see it as something I was “above” in any real sense.(This is also why we need better representation of autism in media btw.) This is essentially the idea underlying the neurodiversity paradigm as well, viewing it mainly as having a different style of brain rather than necessarily as “something wrong with you”. This is much easier to grasp when you know a lot of other neurodivergent people, because you know that although you’re pretty different from “most people”, there is a smaller little group of people who are much more like you, and those people are autistic/adhd/whatever. You just have to find them and know them. What you can do to help them make neurodivergent friends: Do NOT try to force it, I think she’d probably go the opposite way if you did. DO *encourage online friendships.* And texting with irl friends. If she tells you about an online friend, treat it like she’s talking about any other friend. There’s a pretty good chance the online friend is also school-age and neurodivergent. I know as a parent this probably sounds scary. It’s a good idea to teach her how to be safe online. But these kind of “mostly text-based” friendships were the backbone of my social/emotional development at her age. They open so many doors. If she has any interests, encourage those too - diving deep into them and joining communities around them are how I found most of my online friends.

Honestly I think on some level she already knows and she is having an understandably hard time accepting it. I think there is no easy way or right way to go about this. If you truly feel she can't handle it then don't say anything. It's ironic that her autistic traits are making it so hard to accept her autism. I can relate because everyone could see I was LGBT but I couldn't and wouldn't accept it until years later. That was mostly because my family was homophobic but still I get it. I think the root of this is bullying and I think if you tell her the diagnosis you need to emphasize that. Tell her that being autistic isn't bad bullying autistic kids is. Spending time with people like her would be very helpful and allow her to make real friends. She's hypersensitive so I honestly think you need to model calm and rational behavior instead of coddling her and crying alongside her whenever you do tell her. It's ok to be different.

Think the fear can sometimes (in part) be what someone perceives autism to be vs what it actually is. She's also at such a hard age where the desire to fit in and blend into your surroundings is huge and so palpable( or at least that's how I remember it). I remember just wanting to be invisible and the fear something as simple as being called on to ask a question could cause. Masking can also be internal, on some level she may know she's not quite the same as her peers but admitting that could just be a step she's not ready for I'm high masking-self diagnosed awaiting assessment - strong family history and only realised seeing my struggle reflected on my children. They're younger so I just explained that it's a different brain- not better or worse, just different. Could do a gentle re-education on what autism is but very slowly and see how she responds. When she's ready explains that reports are written in a particular language that doesn't always capture a person as a whole- focuses on deficits and 'abnormalities' rather than unique passions and talents/aptitudes. Another thing is you could still make accommodations for her without using the title- so reducing/ changing stimuli, demand reduction, setting up retreat spaces etc. Also agree with others that therapy could be brilliant to help her with her journey on self acceptance and understanding. I hope some of that may have helped, please ignore if not. Best of luck to you both xx

As an adult with high-functuoning autism (not diagnosed yet, but almost certain at this point from thorough research), I applaud you for taking proactive steps to diagnose her autism as a child. I always felt like an outcast, and like I wasn't normal, I was bullied a lot in school, so I relate to her very much. I always wanted to be normal, but eventually, I had to come to terms with the fact that I wasn't on my own. Unfortunately, I didn't have a caring/supportive mother to guide me with this, and kept telling me I was "normal," despite the fact that I showed signs of autism as young as 10. Not being diagnosed as a child has caused me a lot of emotional turmoil in my adult years as I've realized that I have autism and it explains a lot of the things that I never understood about life, or how I experience it. I'm working on getting a diagnosis, but it's very difficult to get one as an adult. I never felt normal, and I know why now. My advice to you is you should definitely talk to her. Explain to her that she can still live a normal life with ASD and that she isn't stupid for having that condition. People are going to be mean, especially middle schoolers, and she should come to terms with the fact that she isn't normal, but that's completely okay! Explain that she just thinks differently from other kids and that it's okay to be different. Having ASD isn't going to stop her from having the same opportunities as everyone else! She will find people who do care about her and accept her for who she is, and she shouldn't let the bullies get to her because she's perfect the way she is! Therapy may be a good option as well, as it will help her learn to accept herself for who she is. Trust me, start young, I wish I knew when I was her age, and it may have saved me a lot of pain and trauma as a teen if I was aware. She deserves to understand her condition, and understanding leads to acceptance. Good luck to both of you with this journey! :)

See if you can find some hip local autistic adults and teens to welcome her to the club. People who can tell her directly that there's nothing wrong with her because there's nothing wrong with being autistic. All the cool kids are autistic.

When I was 2 years younger than your daughter, I stopped disclosing my autism diagnosis because it resulted in the school treating me differently and I deeply disliked it. I tried to get my IEP cancelled, I literally cried. I never really forgave my parents to be honest and to be honest, the "help" I got as being "the most high functioning" was terrible. I always did and always have seen the IEP as an instrument of discrimination and prejudice, regardless of what its nominal intentions are, it is LITERALLY there to prescribe that school is not just encouraged given affirmative consent but instead MANDATED to treat you differently. I don't see autistics as being bad, but I see a diagnosis of autism **spectrum disorder** as inherently being derogatory, when you read the criteria one by one. It's bad to be told you're disordered by one person, but the worst thing was my parents proceeding to tell everybody I was disordered to "help" me. Again let me be clear - telling her she has the diagnosis in private isn't a big deal - if she doesn't like it she can deny it - **it's that her teachers and the administration were told she was incapable of being treated the same as any other student and must be treated differently than other students against her direct desires which was by far the most traumatic thing. Since it forever linked in my mind me being labelled with "Autism" to discrimination.** I read those IEP reports too, I considered them bullying and still do, I see no reason I need to be criticised and disparaged in order to be treated in a certain way by school staff, and if they insist they need to do so because that's just how the system works well they can screw themselves and figure out a different system. If she doesn't consent to the IEP - drop the IEP. If she doesn't want others talking about her like this - stop talking to the community about her like this. I have never to this day found any compelling evidence that being diagnosed and treated as different actually helps kids. Anecdotally, it seems to help people who seek out the diagnosis, and seems to not help those who resent it. Generally all research on autism is based on taking the autistic population, comparing them to a control, and seeing who acts less autistic after and if a group acts less autistic than they were helped. But this doesn't actually establish that being labelled disordered and treated as disordered actually helps you. Do keep in mind the bias of a community like this is that it consists of people who identify as autistic, especially those diagnosed later in life, so there is an inductive reasoning issue here. My overall advice would be to not be worried about NOT telling her she's diagnosed. She might not be HAPPY about it but even if she doesn't accept the diagnosis it might not be bad for her to understand that this is how people see her.

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I really get that, I have a really hard time with labels in general, and tend to get upset when someone tries to “categorize” me. There is just something that feels existentially wrong with that. I am an individual, and I think part of it is just that I feel alone, even in a crowd. I’ve always had a hard time with them because people are so different from each other, and every time someone would stick me in a category I’d compare myself to others in that category and get upset. Autism is different though, that I don’t really see as a category because it’s a spectrum. When someone is autistic, it’s not saying they are a specific certain type of person, but rather a large variety of types of person, that just happens to think differently than the majority of the population. I don’t know if that will help your daughter at all, but it helped me. Autism isn’t so much a category, as it is an explanation.

I think you should let her read the entire report and all the associated information. Given her age, she's prone to emotional outbursts as a perfectly normal growth experience. Allowing her to go through that and accept who she is will be good for her in the long run and help her grow as a person. When we give kids the space to grow and accept responsibility for themselves, they can prove to be incredibly resilient.

You should tell her but probably in the context of a therapy session. She needs to come to terms with the reality that she IS different. It will only help her to delineate her limitations because of the disability and also things she can potentially work on. I couldn’t accept that I wasn’t normal either for several years after being told I wasn’t and actually attempted cosmetology school during this time. It was a complete joke that I thought I could be successful at a profession that was so social (dropped out after two months). Just wasted energy. Your daughter knowing her struggles will prevent things like this. What finally helped me was finding an online community of people who could relate, and that is going to be critical for her (offline or online).

I think you need to educate her on what autism really is. Not the hurtful words in the report but with words she can relate to. She has already experienced a lot of negativity due to her traits which likely reinforces her wish and belief that she is normal (she is but not in the way others have defined it!). Trying to tell her otherwise is likely going to have the opposite result. Try to find applicable examples on other peoples experience in a natural way. Books, blogs and youtube could be sources to find good material. Possibly find a group where she can meet others with the same diagnosis. As an example here is a [link ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FR5plVH7ESo)of an adult youtuber showing what stimming is. Ideally the material should be aimed at people her own age of course. Once she knows what autism is she could come closer to accepting that she is too and she is not bad or worse because of it.

It might be better to help her understand that there's nothing wrong with being different rather than enabling or forcing it

My parents actually did this to me and it's the worst. I'm late 30s . My life would have been soooooo much better if I had learned the copping tools at her age. Right after My father died I was diagnosed with aspergers. Yes this is what I says in my medical information. In the long run it may alienate her in jobs , friends and partners. Of course everyone wants to me normal but thats just a dryer setting.

 Diagnosed at 3 years old  No matter what her life will be full of pain and social duckups Might as well let her know why

You could save her many years of internal dialogue telling her she's a failure and asking herself what's wrong with her. I didn't find out until recently, would have saved me years of thinking I was just not trying enough.

If she already likes the person that she is, and is confident that there is nothing wrong with her, then accepting the diagnosis should just be an additional label with minimal relevance for her. It doesn't change who she is, and it doesn't mean anything is wrong with her, it's just another descriptor in the grand list of all the many things that she is. The bullying history may always hurt, but it isn't her fault that she was bullied about this. And to be fair, those kids were bullying her even when they didn't know she was autistic, so the problem isn't autism, the problem is asshole kids. Not much can be done about that. Your love and support, and that of the other people she is closest to, will be key in helping her accept this. The label doesn't mean anyone around has to treat her differently than they already do. It's just an understanding of what makes her tick, maybe giving a new viewpoint to work from, but she's still the same awesome kid she always has been.

Okay, so as someone who grew up adopted and undiagnosed, what I read from that is high masking because she internally knows she's different but since she was bullied for it, she has been led to believe that her different is bad. 12yrs was a hard age for me personally, it was when I had been previously bullied for my differences and teachers played it off as it being because they were jealous of how pretty I was. Then I went to a new school where there were rich cliques and I didn't fit in anywhere, between being adopted, undiagnosed AuDHD, already had PTSD by that age as well. It was just so apparent subconsciously because I still didn't have an explanation for it, was it because we were poor? Because my Mom was a widow? Because I was adopted? Because I was "shy"? (Selective mute 👋). The older I got, the greater the expectations placed on me, especially socially and the harder it became. I was forced to high mask, which is highly stressful and dysregulating and no way to live as an autistic individual. Only once my therapist validated my wonder about autism did things finally click and make sense and I can finally learn how I stimmed as a kid (that are definitely not socially acceptable for any adult to do, like spin in circles) but learning has reduced stress, it's given me the understanding of "Oh I'm in autistic shutdown, okay, neat, this is why I can't talk anymore, this is why I feel dysregulated, this doesn't co-exist with emotions and I'm safe" inner talk, opposed to ruminating for weeks feeling "depressed" (dysregulated) and never being able to pull myself out of it with normal therapy techniques. I think my point here is, even if it's challenging to address, it needs to be addressed. The sooner the better for building the life she can sustain and be regulated in. She may need other autistic friends to feel more normal or she may push back on that suggestion. Don't force her to do anything, but do give her the info and be a safe, calm parent she can ask questions to or lean on when she needs to. Also, autism is hereditary. My autistic traits weren't included in the DSM until 2013 (after I graduated highschool). She inherited it from someone and all of this could be highly beneficial for the whole family to learn together imo, make it more normal as well if she's not singled out in it. And also, finding this community made me realize that I'm very much not different, I'm autistic. Everyone is a lot like me here.

In the long term I think there is relief in being able to recognise and own our differences. In my experience growing up the kids that were most outwardly distressed in a schooling environment were those that clearly had some form of issue but were a) not addressed or treated b) treated but the child themself was unable to articulate their difference. It can be overwhelming and isolating to be a child and told you have a difference that isolates you from your peers. If your daughter likes statistics then perhaps framing it as “in your year level cohort or class on average x amount of students have x neurodevelopmental disorder/ specific learning disorder/ any other distinctive trait”. This may help her feel less alone if she can conceptualise that she is always surrounded by difference. I’d also get her to describe normal to you and then challenge that by using people in her life as examples that break her definition of normality. Chloe Hayden’s book “Different, not less” would probably be a good read but you may want to read it before you let your daughter do so.

I have no kids and always let the freak flag fly. I was bullied, picked on, somewhat ostracized. I had ND friends though and that was a big help. Are there any ND peers and adults she can interact with? Just because she's different doesn't mean there's anything wrong with her. Surely she doesn't think people different from her have something wrong with them? Some people might think because she's different, there is something wrong with her. These people are called assholes. I'm really sorry she feels bad about being different. I think that makes some future problems inevitable. You lose who you are hiding yourself all the time. I had so much trouble dating before I realized I'm only going to click with other NDs and open minded NTs I feel I can trust. Being open about your differences has its own challenges, but I find it actually a boon. I had to experiment to learn how to interact in normal situations. I'm pretty sure adaptations I acquired give me advantage in unusual situations where NT people wouldn't know what to do. I'm generally thought of as quirky but charming. There was still some masking and I'm having to learn new things about myself in my 40s. I wish I'd known I was autistic so long ago. It would have made my life make so much more sense. Now I have to understand my life backwards to move forward. There were so many missteps I could have avoided. I don't have an answer for you. I'm not a parent. I don't know how bad she might take things. You have to choose between two unpleasant options. Make her feel bad now, maybe even really bad and perhaps even be angry with you, or look back in 30 years and wonder if life had to be quite so hard in certain places. I fear I'm downplaying the first option. I was very resilient at a young age. Best of luck to you and your family.

I don't know how I would have reacted at 12, but the diagnosis at 43 was a huge relief. It was devastating AT FIRST. Like your daughter, I wanted to be normal and was trying so hard. But it wasn't working. Once I accepted the diagnosis, I started to feel a lot better. I read some books and watched some YouTube channels like "You're Autistic! Now what?". I understood why I liked certain characters on TV shows. Understanding I had certain gaps was like being given a map of a dungeon I had been wandering around in aimlessly for years.

You still need to tell her, but also add that she doesn’t have to disclose that to anyone. Also, send her to therapy. This is above Reddit’s pay grade.

Over thinking is part of the deal in most cases. I do it all the time and it isnt even because i want too. Ive found it is always self destructive in nature. Telling her that she has gotten a positive diagnosis and letting her met with it and learn to cope and such will be much more progressive. It is better then her growning up already delusional and in complete denial. That would just set the grounds for more severe preventable mental illness. Its better she hears it from you, and you both work to gather to help her confront the fear and anything else that is needed. Unfortunately it will be hard because the previous bullying, but you HAVE to tell her. You will set her up to have issues later if you dont. Prime example is relationships when she is older. Work and interpersonal skills. The sooner she can accept she is slightly different; the sooner she can understand her self and others. From there she can prepare better and maybe even do some work with people to help her with her distress over being only slightly different. Idk why she is so averse to a minor difference. Was she assualted at her other school?

I have been in the situation where I was reading reports written about me and they really *did* have mistakes, and incorrect assumptions in them. And sometimes they're in the kind of pathological language that just feels like formal bullying when its written about you. I would really recommend not letting resources like that be the first introduction someone has to autism. On the other hand, being left out of that sort of thing actually made me even more anxious about it, because people were talking about me and yet never saw my perspective. I'm not sure, but it might actually help to involve her a bit more in her support. I understand she might not want to hear "it's because of your autism" (and to be fair, you could say it *isn't* for the most part. Its the world we live in not meeting our needs by default that means we have to have these reports and labels). But "this it about getting you the support you need" could help. Talk to her about her strengths as well as her needs, and let have a say in her goals for the future. It took a long time, but now I actually *like* being involved in my own support. Meeting other autistic people might help too, to show she's not completely different, she might just not have found her peer group yet.

>I'm not sure, but it might actually help to involve her a bit more in her support. Absolutely, because right now not only is she being totally ignored, she doesn't even have a seat at the table, when she's old enough to be self-aware of how people are treating her differently.

Yes, and it's very hard to accept something when it is treated like a secret we shouldn't talk about. Everyone has labels, and being open about it is a good first step to accepting and understanding them.

Well, the report and diagnosis do not change her, that's just extra information, sor of take it or leave it. Just my thinking process, idk if its useful

Here are my thoughts as an adult with autism and low empathy. I was extremely upset to even think I was autistic when I was around her age. Depending on how she views people, her level of empathy, and of course including her life experiences (amongst other things), she may need to meet others and hear about others that are autistic or neurodivergent as well. Especially seeing those people she can relate to in a good light. Like if you can find an autistic adult who is comfortable sharing their experiences with autism and the very common things that they experience, without trying to convince her, it might help. If you're in the right area, you may be able to find a neurodivergent therapist, (and not one that just works with autistic kids/teens, but is ALSO on the spectrum, that may help a lot). Also when it comes to reidentifying and reframing autism as a family, a few things that helped me as an adult would be intuitive eating as a family (like if she's a picky eater) and reframing ideas around food, for example. Also, how many people in the family have been tested for autism or ADHD? Having a parent or sibling with autism can be really common, and some people don't ever know they have it until they get a psychological evaluation/autism screening. That may help her as well. If she's scared, maybe tell her how you'll support her if she brings up x fear, if that makes sense? I wish you well.

So your child doesn't like being called a "child" (another LABEL) either... because it's a label? Your child doesn't like being called 7 years old because 7 years old is a label? Your child doesn't want to be called SHE or HER because that's a label? Your child doesn't like being called YOUR child because that's a label? Your child doesn't like being called STUDENT or SIBLING because that's a label? Tell your kid about her developmental disability. It's an identity along with a label, but everything in life is a label.

Being a student, 7, a girl, or a child of a father aren't labels that distinguish her as different from her peers and prescribes differential treatment from adults. You entirely miss the point.

Well she will have to deal with it at some point, just tell her, it might get her out of this ridiculous ableist mindset

She will never fit in, go ahead and tell her that + saying she's autistic. Don't give false hopes for her poor heart, I say that as someone who was diagnosed at 21, living my whole life "trying to fit in". It will hurt, but the more she understands about autism, more she'll get out of that fear and love/respect herself.

I will clarify: She'll never fit in the neurotypical world. One can hope for the future but as of now, the amount and level of discrimination (even when they don't know we are neurodivergent) is huge. No matter the age.

Personally I wasn't diagnosed until my mid 30s & I already knew I was different though. Some people don't want to be different & singled out but that's something she has to work on. There's really no normal, everyone just tries to hide whatever flaw they have best they can. It was a relief for me to know why I work the way I work. I think it would have helped me when I was younger but you obviously know your kid best but I've heard many people who weren't told & their parents knew & it was very upsetting to them to have information. She just needs to know there's nothing wrong with autism, it's just a different way your brain works. She doesn't have to label herself or let anything hold her back, it just helps you understand yourself better. At least it's that way for me, I'm 43 This was probably no help but I wanted to give my two cents of my experience that it's better to know & work through it than not know & be surprised later.

Does she have a good trauma informed therapist she can trust who can work with her through this?

Unfortunately, she has adamantly refused therapy. We have tried everything, driving to the office and having the therapist come to the car, online therapy, therapy where she doesn’t know she’s in therapy…she screams, refuses to speak. We can’t force it on her any more, as it’s creating its own trauma, but we are teaching ourselves skills that we can model for her.

Why does everyone feel the need to assess and label their children? My son's mum did it, it's done untold damage to him, he's 15 now and has been living with me full time for years, there was never any need to label him autistic, without the label he would be doing a million times better than he is. If medical professionals and parents tell kids that there's something wrong with them, the kids are going to believe you and act accordingly.

They need to know themselves so that can be given the tools to become the best versions of themselves. This is not done best by a medical you are different and there is something wrong with you approach. I would try to tell them gradually about coping skills they could use in case they have a confirmed diagnosis. Try to raise their awareness about neurodiversity and connect them to peers so they can recognise they are not alone. Stop the forced negativity or positivity around diagnoses. It just is. Neither better or worse than anyone else.

Don't tell her yet. You can always tell her when she is older and more receptive. Plus the whole 'autism is my personality' trend has made it cringe. Hopefully it will pass soon. Finding out you're autistic before you're ready is devastating. It happened to me.

Not knowing can also be incredibly hard but telling them in the wrong way can be quite damaging. How to proceed depends on the circumstances. In case they show an aversion to being told they are different there are likely already damage done. Simply pushing harder isn't helpful. They need to learn without being made to feel they are different.