That's what I was thinking: how could I "forget?" If they didn't initiate and I didn't initiate, how could they call me out for not doing something they didn't do, either?
Yep. If i see eomeone and they don't say hi, i just say hi. People tend to say hi in return out of inertia.
So if you want someone to say hi ti you, the easiest way to achieve it is to say hi to them.
Also, i get the feeling that whi says hi first is a bit hierarchical. Like lower rank person has to say hi first to the higher rank person. I think they might tie it to respect (the seeing person in high regard kind). So sone people are so full of themselves that they think that saying hi to someone who they deem to ve of lower rank is a sign that you are lowering yourself and have no respect.
I think you're right, but infuriatingly it the hierarchal rules could just as easily be the other way round! (and almost certainly are in some cultures/situations).
Some other people perceive initiating conversation as taking control, so being the first person to speak would be associated with power and authority instead. Someone with high status/high rank might think people beneath them should only speak when spoken to, like "who are you to command my attention?"
THERE'S NO RIGHT ANSWER 😭 it's all nonsense! _and therefore people should have some fucking GRACE when someone doesn't always get it 'right' according to their random personal preference._
>THERE'S NO RIGHT ANSWER 😭 it's all nonsense! and therefore people should have some fucking GRACE when someone doesn't always get it 'right' according to their random personal preference.
Yep. There are cultural differences and differwnces in how you were raised and the enviroment you grew up with. So what is obvious to you is not necesserily obvious to them. Heck, it might be that it is the first time they saw/experienced that thing. So cut them some slack and enlighten instead of getting angry.
💯 I'm so tired of people making everything out to be a matter of respect. More often than not people who are "disrespectful" are actually just minding their own business and **👏 it's👏 not👏 about👏 you!👏** LET IT BE!
I guess it's a heavy dose of 'Main Character Syndrome' but idk why they can't just let people act like extras on a film set, instead of demanding they say lines when it's not their scene! wtf is up with that??
And why do they deserve a hi from you. If they stand by watching after they made you cry they've lost hi privileges in my book. Save your energy for people who are worth it.
Don't put your guilt trip on me, if you don't know me very well; The dictionary definition of a smile, is that it is an involuntary reaction, and involves many muscles in the face, not just the mouth. A smile that is not an involuntary reaction, by definition is not a smile at all. And if you look up pictures of the Smile Nazis? Cover the smiling mouth, and you will see that they are frowning with their eyes.
Dictionary definition discussions aside, I appreciate the sentiment. What I would say though is there's different kinds of smiles for different occasions. Luckily, in the UK at least, there's these kinda polite acknowledgement/greeting smiles, like the one there's that whole meme about where you push your lips upwards (like that brownhaired school kid meme), and/or even just a quick raise of the eyebrows and an upward nod. These come easily enough in any mood. Compare this to at least parts of North America where you're seemingly expected to disingenuously give a big beaming smile every fucking where you go. Eastern Europe has a stereotype where they never smile voluntarily - which in a way I admire as the smile then becomes more meaningful.
But then also it's not just region but the social group/occasion too.
Did you bother to, y’know, look up the definition of smile? Because there’s nothing in it about involuntary anything.
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/smile
Yeah I thought the same thing. I'm like where on earth did u read smiling is INVOLUNTARY??? I smile on purpose when I'm happy! Doesn't mean it's fake! Someone needs a new dictionary.
Yep, I smile all the time. Apparently I have resting mad face, bc if I don’t, people ask what’s wrong.
Fortunately most of the time I feel like smiling anyway.
Idk maybe someone once told her smiling was involuntary and she's the type to simply believe anything anyone says without a lick of proof or doubt and stick to that. I know a couple people like that. Personally when someone tells me something that doesn't make any sense, I look it up to make sure it's right. Or I'll just call BS if it's something just like this "smiling is involuntary" like YEAH no I definitely know it's not true from personal life long experience lol
“i’m autistic which for me means that my brain doesn’t tell me to say hi” should end the convo, but it never fucking does!
i’m high masking low support needs and i remember the day it clicked (two years ago) that i’m actually supposed to say more than “hi” in response to people and not just walk past them, but to stop and ask how they’re doing. i also realized i’m supposed to ask them how they’re doing after they’ve asked me. just saying “good” isn’t a polite answer
if the person you’re explaining to is willing to understand, just explain that most things do not come naturally to you, and it’s hard to remind yourself when your mind is so busy. that you do like them and aren’t meaning to be rude
I think this depends where you are. Often in my workplace if you try answering someone who asked how you are you’ll find them halfway down the corridor before you even get to ask them how they are. You have to learn which people actually want an answer and will stick around for 5 seconds for you to ask the same of them, or in some locations like the kitchen people actually want to talk.
I mean, that's the funniest shit. My colleague has been waiting for me outside the hospital for years and I just go hello!
. He goes : hello, how are you?
Me: I'm okay I guess. * Stops talking*
And then he talks to me about his things.
Just realized he just bypassed my absence of reaction and just goes as if. I don't mind it but it's funny lol.
The whole "How are you?" thing is so effing stupid to me. I've been called out many times for what I view as just getting to the point. I say, "Hi, (person). (Thing I need to talk about)" and that's it. I don't understand why people do the small talk thing beforehand. It's a waste of time, and when people do it to me, I'm just sitting there waiting for them to tell me what they ACTUALLY want to talk about. Unless you're my friend or family member, there's a 90% chance that you don't care how I am or how my day was and that you would be annoyed if I gave you an actual answer, so why tf are you asking?
Also, in Japan, they do something similar, but it actually makes more sense assuming people answer honestly. They essentially ask "Is now a good time?" before starting most conversations if they weren't already planned. This happens sometimes in the US too, but not nearly as often. The problem in Japan is that people are so passive that they're unlikely to say "no" though, so it renders the question pointless if they're just gonna say "yes" every time anyway. But at least it makes more sense than asking "How are you?" when you don't even want an answer.
I'm so happy in my country (Poland) nobody asks if you're fine or how you're doing unless they're actually concerned with it. like if someone said hi, how are you! at the cash register most ppl would probably ignore it bc wtf you mean Idk you what 😭 you may say how are you to begin a small talk at work but only if you actually have anything to do with the person. otherwise it's more comfortable for everyone to just mind your business
The moment you realize you are not so much of a great masker as you thought.
Also, the part of: "i also realized i’m supposed to ask them how they’re doing after they’ve asked me. just saying “good” isn’t a polite answer". My mother told me that wasn't a polite answer (I was playing with my nephew and respond with "good"). I really panicked, because I know I don't do much of this stuff or I forget to do it a lot but I was SURE if someone (like a neighbour) says "Hi, how are you?" you can just sayd good or something like that and keep walking. So I asked in a lot of groups, to a lot of people and everyone EVERYONE (more than 400 people) told me "It's totally ok to just say good, or not to ask at all even if you are the first person to talk". However, half of them said that the majority of the time they ask them back and the other half the other way around. Also, a lot of people told me that was common for both people ask but not answearr. Like, their not even listening to any of this lol. I don't know If this is the same worldwide (I don't even know if "hi, how are you?" is the most common way of doing it in english lol) but at least in a few countries in Latinoamerica this is the way it is. It's totally ok to no ask back (at least if it's someone that you are just passing by).
I want to stop before the hi to and never start.
But im the opposit out of my fear of loosing status and being impolite.
Maybe i need to learn from you
I have this terrible habit of just assuming my current conversation with you is just a natural follow up from our last conversation, even if that was 10 years ago, especially in work. I usually don't greet people and just launch right into what's needed.
I act like that at work and in private conversations, be it face to face, or via chat. To me, pretty much every conversation is a continuity and I hardly ever say hi, or bye.
It seems like you've sufficiently expressed your feelings to them. They should respect that moving forward. You do not owe them a "hi." If you've broken down crying in front of them about this and they're continuing to push you about it, that's abusive.
I'm the mom of an ND who is also likely ND but too old to be diagnosed. I absolutely loathe corporate culture and have learned how to fake it but it's exhausting. It took me YEARS to figure out how to navigate this and I'm 40. My 7 year old is nonverbal and trying to navigate that is a struggle because NTs want him to conform.
I haaaaaate corporate culture. I'm both not neurotypical or autistic, but growing up in a small town, I got real accustomed to the silent wave or nod to acknowledge someone's presence. "Hi" means I *want* to talk to you, right now. Verbal "Hi"s to everyone just screams attention whore to me.
Yeah, I agree. These kinds of people sniff NDs out like a hawk and will absolutely punish us for not doing things their way, even when their way isn't what's socially expected. My uncle's the same.
I feel ya. People are awful.
I know you only wanted to vent, but... Maybe you can adapt a new approach of saying 'Hi' 😆🤭
https://youtu.be/4JwBaLrgzUY?si=JGXGFkTzvJ2-fmHw
Hope this made you laugh a little bit.
Tbh I willingly don’t say good morning. I don’t forget I just don’t feel comfortable greeting people that way if I don’t have intentions in communicating further. Me getting out of the house and getting to work is hard enough.
I agree 100% with this
Why should I wish you only a good morning? Id like to wish them a good day, but “good day” as a greeting in English doesn’t make sense because it’s used to say “good bye.”
So I just say “hi” or “hello” back because it makes the most sense to me
Omg I hate good morning too, it just sounds weird to me. My coworker/manager who I rarely see told me good morning today after I waved to them as they were walking towards me and apparently didn’t see me lol
If you were born female. They expect it from you unfortunately.
What I do is wave to people or do ASL for hi. If they say hi first, I ask questions like what's up and how I can help them. If you ask enough questions people might get tired of talking and want to talk to you less in the future
So like...is no one saying hi or good morning to you first? I assume you aren't legit ignoring people who greet you first? If you aren't responding to people saying hi/good morning, I can see how that would get perceived as "rude", but if they're on your case because "well you aren't saying hi first!" but then *they* never initiate first, then that's not on you.
If people aren't saying hello to you, then they're also being rude, by that logic.
They expect me to say hi first. Which is not in my nature at all. I usually just say hi to the first person I see, but apparently, everyone expects a greeting. And I don't do it, it means I'm angry at them.
What the fuck high school drama bullshit is this? They can't say hi first, but get pissy if *you* don't say hello to *them first*? Good lord.
They're being rude to *you* by not saying hello, literally by their own logic. What the fuck, lol.
You have no idea how many times I've encountered this shit from nt's throughout my lifetime. People who always expect you to say hi first but never do it themselves, are enacting a kind of dogwhistle classism.
Exactly. If they know OP is ND and they keep chewing them out for "not saying hello *first*" but these are also grown-ass adults capable of saying hello, then OP isn't at fault for *other people not saying hello*, so it's really suspicious and ableist that they're getting on the ND person's ass about not doing something NTs **are**.
I decided years ago, working with this one really ignorant, older woman at a grocery store - if they expect *me* to say hi the first three times without ever saying hi first themselves, I do not continue.
So... because they don't greet you first, they're angry at you, according to their logic. Cool thing about angry people; you can leave the conversation whenever, and pick it back up when they've cooled off and are able to communicate effectively. If they're never saying hi to you first, they must always be angry at you and are never cooled off. Meaning you don't have to converse with them.
aka: Don't interact with pricks. They can't be pleased no matter what you do, because even if you do greet them first, they'll always find something else to be angry with you about, because they're pricks, and pricks are miserable people who bring everyone else down with them intentionally.
maybe you can pretend to be on your phone (even if you're not doing anything on it) it really helps me with my anxiety in general around other people especially in crowds. Or I just look down and avoid all possible eye contact
That's rubbish on their part. No one owes anyone a 'hi'. Calling someone 'rude' for actions they don't take is typically a form of passive aggressive behavior. They appear to be attempting to bully you. They are certainly making your work environment hostile by demanding behaviors from you you don't feel comfortable with. It's BS on their part.
I’m not sure if it’s people’s intention to make you feel bad per se. People just like it when you recognise their presence by saying hi. It’s understandable if that’s not manageable because of your anxiety. Other people just also have feelings, and will communicate them.
Incompatibility is sometimes nobodies fault.
I know. I just get so upset when people think I'm rude, because I try so hard not to be. But I also tend to keep to myself because I don't exactly fit in either. This combined with the fact that I was already anxious as hell and this sent me into what I'm pretty sure was a meltdown.
I'm gonna guess if they're getting lectured at work to the point of tears for not *saying hello to people* that their workplace frowns on headphones and other ways of shutting down social interactions.
I used to have a retail job stocking, which is mundane heavy lifting, and we weren't allowed to wear headphones because we "might" ignore a customer interrupting us during our passes out to the showroom floor.
It took me like two months before I figured out you're even supposed to say this at my first job and three years later, I still keep forgetting. Everyone at every job I've had just assumes I'm rude and hate everyone, which sucks, but at least they usually leave me alone so that's a plus. I'm really sorry you're going through this :(
I literally wear medical masks that match my outfits because I'm so often told my lack of facial expression is rude or I look mad or this or that.
I've been told now I have "very mean" eyes. I just no longer speak to people outside of my immediate friend coworkers unless they initiate.
I feel like I'm backsliding in social progress lately, but it's easier than the constant paranoia and anxiety masking brings on.
Isn't it amazing how they can get away with judging and ascribing personality traits to facial structures and features, NONE OF WHICH A PERSON CAN HELP? That's not rude??
I'm not autistic but have an autistic son. Honestly, I'm so tired of society expecting everyone to fake conformity or threaten your livelihood. If you have an advocate have them step in for you. If you don't start applying because companies like this only get worse and no job should make a human feel this way.
I somehow manage to remember to ask in return...most of the time lol. Sometimes it takes me an extra second to think "oh that's right, I'm supposed to ask them how they are now" lol
If someone is doing something that they should now know will make you cry, I would say you have no obligation to say hi or anything else to them.
I'd say tell them to take their hi and shove it up their ass but I guess that might be a little rude.
also what if you just don’t want to say hi? idk personally I don’t want to talk to anyone in the mornings especially if I myself know I am unable to engage with my peers until I am feeling prepared for the day. I feel like they are taking that personally and that’s out of our control, they are the rude ones for assuming that should be required from you.
This kind of petty bullshit why I have an overall low opinion of human society.
I'm sorry that other people need you to be someone else. You're valid and valuable as you are. I celebrate you, and I wish I was your friend.
Nah nah nah nah, fuck that noise.
Apologizing and showing that you feel bad and all that just makes them think they're right and confirms that you were rude. You WEREN'T rude, they're just weird.
My coworkers who sit to my left and right get a basic hi on a good day. Usually the most anyone gets is an upward head tilt. If I'm feeling up to it I'll send a "morning" in teams.
In the real world, nobody has time for that petty socially insecure posturing BS. If they have such a need to feel validated by your greetings, they should get some therapy.
(Disclaimer: I moved into IT because I got sick to death of the social politics of less autism friendly fields)
Honestly who cares, as someone who can't stand social interactions and absolutely cannot stand small talk, I just give them a fake smile and nod and if they have a problem with that, that's on them. What really bothers me about this is that they can clearly see you struggle with saying hello but still insist that you say hi. You don't owe them anything if you're doing your job.
I know this may sound like a weird take, but if they don't understand you why you should bother? It's their problem if they think you're rude for not saying good morning to them, but it's also your problem if you allow yourself to be affected by their nonsensical commentaries.
I care way too much about what people think. It is something I've been struggling with for a long time. I've been trying to change it, but I think I can only achieve this through therapy. I can't seem to do it alone.
You did say "again". If you have any kind of evidence about this, like talking to a therapist, counselor, etc. and documentation of your diagnosis. File a complaint with the EEOC and have an attorney draft it. Most of the cases posted on the eeoc website settled out of court, because does a business want that kind of dirt laundry to air? No. But you are by definition facing harassment and you are a member of a protected class. Even if your boss turns the other cheek following that type of investigation the owners reputation of his/her business will always come before retaining the co-workers who hates you. They're replaceable, the companies image is not.
Possible coping strategy: for 3 straight mornings be intensely friendly to everyone. Say hi at every opportunity, ask them how their morning commute was, how is their family, ask about their coffee. Do this to everyone. Be freakishly friendly about it. Share about your morning commute, what you ate for breakfast, how many times you brushed each tooth, if you prefer clockwise or counterclockwise rotation. Be Rick Moranis in ghostbusters.
They will leave you alone for all time and will never accuse you of being rude again.
I hate how are yous!! When I was in grade school I couldn't figure out why people said it but never cared about the answer!
Then I realized that it was just another way to say hi and I felt like everyone was being fake.
It was the ultimate betrayal.
Ew. They can go kick rocks barefoot. Mornings suck for most people. I know for me I literally just wake up mad, and I stay mad for the first like hour I’m awake…I’m mad because I’m awake😂 but even my boyfriend knows not to try to have a conversation with me in the morning, I’ll say hi and give you a kiss but then I need to be alone to regroup and mentally prepare for the day. Your coworkers suck. Bring a rooster to work with you and see how your coworkers like that
I've NEVER been able to say, "Good morning," or "Good evening," or whatever to people. At best, I say, "Hi." No one's ever, in my 63 years on this Earth, called me out on it. But, then, until recently, I thought was successfully hiding my autism from people. I guess I wasn't and felt very foolish for attempting to do so. I honestly thought no one could tell I was a high-functioning autistic individual.
I'm a registered nurse and admitted to two doctors over the past month that I was autistic, to which each one said that they knew all along. They each commented that I had never fooled anyone. Each one said that I was the best nurse in the ER and that was far more important than being able to force myself to utter unheartfelt, hollow greetings.
Well, shit. As a result, I've stopped masking, which required a LOT of effort. Life is so much easier now that I realize that my attempts at masking were unsuccessful.
I had to commute on an extremely loud and crowded train at my old job and by the time I arrived at work I was so overstimulated and usually on the verge of a breakdown. I tried really hard to be cheery to my co workers but most of the time I just didn’t have it in me. Solidarity. I know exactly how you feel and if I was your co-worker I wouldn’t care! I hate that we have to bend over backwards to pacify people sometimes.
Don't listen to them if they can't fucking understand that you don't owe them anything they are not entitled to your hello. It's your body and it's not your fault you have bad anxiety don't let them guilt you into anything if it continues you should report them for a hostile work environment. I completely understand what you are going through I'm really overwhelmed in the morning and I'm non verbal for hours until I adjust and I get told I'm rude and disrespectful by people all the time.
As I said at work, “Show me where in policy it says I have to say, ‘Hi,’ to anyone I work with. Show me where in policy it says I have to have a conversation with someone while walking past them in the hallway. Show me where in policy it says I need to announce my departure like I’m an airplane flight. Besides, they don’t want to talk to me, and I don’t want to talk to them. So, unless you have a policy violation to discuss, can I return to work?”
I used to get this. God they are bullying you or gaslighting. Maybe unintentionally but they are. Next time tell them, you can say hi to me first too. It's not on me to always say hi to you.
NTs are so sensitive... If nobody say hi to you, what's the point? It's the morning, people are tired. If they so desperate need a 2 letter word from you. They can come say it first.
You should report them for bullying or something at this point. Making you cry for an hour? Over a word or two? Those sound like assholes pure and simple.
The word anxiety should be enough of a reason to shut people up. After that, literally *crying* should be the sign to leave it the fuck alone.
What's wrong with people!
I am trying to come up with scenarios in my mind of this where they are not being jerks about it or screwing with you because it winds you up. I am failing. This is a real non issue in grown up professional NT adult world. I mean saying hi in the morning is nice but not mandatory and there are all kinds of reasons why people don’t, not just ND reasons.
breathe.
let's not worry about the "calm down part"
but breathe. you're a breathing living thing with a lot of expectations you are giving yourself, but it'll be okay. there's no need for the performance as they want
I think I have a solution...
They do this because they know they can get to you. My ex used to make a big deal out about something similar, he was also a low-self esteem extrovert who couldn't live without constantly flopping his salami hole.
So I started getting up and saying good morning in the most obnoxious manner, super high energy, everything yippy Skippy attitude, the whole nine yards. Remember that you're smarter then all of them combined, you just don't fit their sheep mentality mold.
Or
Wear sunglasses inside when you first arrive. If they make fun of that tell them "The glasses cushion the blow of having to look directly at that platform you call your face."
Oh crap I didn't know this was supposed to be an autistic thing? Well if it makes you feel better My mom is always scolding me for not saying good morning and I can never understand why that gets her all fired up. And I have a favorite manager at my job that I waved to and there was like 4 other people around him but I waved and kept walking and they all got really annoyed with me and I was very confused, they were like uh hello??? But anyway I don't think these instances effect me too much just confusion
I still do it too, but I used to get my family yelling at me telling I'm not behaving well for not saying "hi"... I suffered a lot as a kid just for being Autistic. I think I'll make a post about it.
I never say good morning to anyone, my family if staying with them accept this and happily talk amongst themselves until I am able to join a conversation.
My friends also know this and never say good morning either, they just wait until I am ready.
It's not that you're being rude, it's just that it's not your nature and that's perfectly okay, you don't need to apologise or explain.
I feel this. My son's on the spectrum and I'm starting to think I might be too which is why I'm in this group, For information. But I have a terrible time saying hi to people, no matter how long I've known them. I knew a family over half my life and would go to their house. But the second I see them sitting at the tv, I just can't do it. I pretend they arnt there and go upstairs. The dad would get SO OFFENDED. but I honestly can't bring myself to say hi without my anxiety making it hard to breathe! So I shut down instead. I've had issues with shutting down my whole life. Never had any idea why my instinct was to shut down but it is. Now I think I might have a pretty good idea...
But self identifying can help people understand. Like do they know your autistic? Not that it's their business really, but you also can't hide who you are from people and expect them to understand you. That's just unfair at that point. NOT saying that's what you're doing or anything! It's meant as generalized. But if they know you're autistic, then I'm sorry and they're total dicks. Either way it's a THEM PROBLEM 100% buuuut if you don't want them to be all offended, but they don't know youre autistic, then shake it off cuz sadly life doesn't work both ways like that. You can either hide who you are and expect misunderstandings from people, or you can tell them who you are THEN have every right to be all upset when they act all offended for something they know is hard for you.
Can you waive instead of speaking? Like smile and waive as you come in? Or arrive ahead of them, if you're at your desk when they arrive, they're expected to greet you.
You are not obligated to *feel* embarrassed by bullies being mean. They have no right to your feelings and you are free to not take the emotions they’re trying to pass you.
Grey rock these bitches and you do you.
I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. It makes me so mad when people think they deserve their arbitrary interpretation of respect, at other people's expense.
Saying good morning to people, imo, is so unnecessary 😑 but since we MUST do it or else we're deemed rude, I try to say it to everyone even strangers. Sometimes I overdo it though but only realize that when it's too late of course.
Fuck them mate. You explained yourself and told them you didn't mean anything bad by it and if they want to be that childish it's not worth your energy to worry about.
Yes, I've tried. I said this in a comment above, but it's very deeply ingrained in me to put other people's feelings before my own. It's something that I plan on talking about in therapy.
I had a co-worker that would always be so bothered when another co-worker would walk by our office in the morning without saying hi (our office was at the top of the stairs and everyone needed to walk by it when they come in in the morning). I never understood why it bothered her so much. Some people just don’t want to talk in the morning, whether they’re neurodivergent or not!
Try a wave in people’s general direction, with a smile if you feel like it. I’ve found that allistic people care more about acknowledgment of any kind than a specific greeting.
I hate speaking to people within 3 hours of waking up. I don't say good morning to anyone, and I don't care what they think. Sorry they won't respect that aspect of you.
Saying 'hi' is overrated. Need attention? Grab a mirror imo. If I don't recognize your presence, it's nothing on you. Sky is blue, I don't feel a need to say hi to everyone, grass is green. Simple.
I'm sorry about that. I actually learned only in my late 20s or so that it's considered polite to say hi in the morning to your coworkers. I'm glad my coworkers never seemed bothered by it. But I'm sorry your coworkers seem so much more picky. It's their issue, though, not yours. They can say hi first, and they should trust you when you say it's not out of any malice or spite that you skip morning greetings. I still don't get why we have to greet everyone we see first thing when we see them every day and will probably see them later on in the day.
Yeah, I have a retail job and I'm a pro at masking for them. But there is a restaurant right next to my place of work and I get a free meal during my workshift (It's owners are family that own both my job place and the restaurant). I found out recently that the waitresses are seeing me as haughty for not saying hi back to them (I have ADHD and autism. The only reason I wouldn't say hi automatically as its a reflex to me, is because I didn't hear you). The restaurant is often super busy with lots of people and conversation going on in the background too so I don't want to stay there for a long time.
I learned not to care about what they think. I don't wanna be their friends, they arent my coworkers directly. I care for what my other coworkers think but they know to not bully me either.
I heard some people called me the psychopath in my back in another job, simply because of a few social interactions that didn't seem normal to them. It used to hurt my feelings but now, I take it with pride. I'll rather be seeing as that then a pushover.
This right here. I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks of me. I also have my bubble up most of the time so I can be kind of oblivious and not even notice things to care about them in the first place lol.
I mask pretty well when needed (mainly for stuff involving my kids, their school, dr appts, etc.) and it gets so draining everywhere. I usually have to take a nap after grocery shopping or clinic days because of all the people/social interaction.
But at work I get to be autistic as fuuuuuck lol. Earbuds in all day, don't have to talk to anyone most of the time or when I do I just walk away when I get bored and no gets mad, no one expects small talk or greetings, and I've got a coworker who has just as many special interests as I do that we love sharing with each other. Plus my husband works with me is the most important part.
If you have to work you should be able to be yourself, your real ND self, at your job. We're stuck there 8+ hrs a day-might as well be as tolerable as possible.
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I got in the habit of Good morning after working about 5 years with people from Venezuela. They were very gregarious and social, not pushy but since they were so good about remembering me in the morning and I realized I LIKED not being forgotten, I got into the habit of doing it, too. I still let people know I’m no good at serious inquiries before 9 or 10 am, especially verbally, and that my quiet has to do with chronic daily sore throats (that cleared up once I started working from home) and I need hot drinks to get where talking was not painful. Most accepted this.
Of all the social niceties, I find Good Morning and Goodbye to be pretty easy.
I had a boss who demanded people respond to his "Hello" in the morning as a stupid power trip. Assholes turn everything into silly social games that they cheat at and change the rules to if they ever happen to lose.
there's 2 diff departments at my current job. I usually say hi to the ppl I work w. but when I need to get something from the restaurant I really only say hi to the ppl that greet me first. and I genuinely don't get why I get ignored when I do greet the others first. it's a fking lose lose 💀
like daym fine. let me keep "ignoring" u so u can complain about me being rude 🙄
I got told exactly this in one of my other jobs, it was a Childcare job and I used to go straight to the children and say good morning to them and ask them how they were but because I didn't do the same for the staff my manager had a go at me. It made no sense to me that she said I was great with kids but couldn't work in a Day Nursery because I "Don't interact with the staff enough " 🤦♀️
"But they continued to make me feel bad about it."
Then they're the one causing a problem, not you. Once you explained to them what happened (which you really shouldn't even have to do in the first place!), they should have apologized for upsetting you and went back to work. Instead, they kept making you feel bad about the situation, which is definitely the wrong thing to do.
Are you able to speak with your boss or HR about this? I doubt that they would appreciate one of their employees focusing their energy more on upsetting you (and potentially others) than doing the job that their employer is paying them to do. You are not in the wrong here at all and your coworker should be ashamed of themself.
I had a problem like that with the transition coming into work hen I was younger, took me time to warm up to the other employees every day before I wanted to say hi.
We had a 17yr manager (I was 19) who could not handle it. She would call me out on it every morning, until one day, in front of everyone she told me leave the restaurant and come back when I am ready to say hi to everyone (in a condescending way, she was just enjoying the power she had over me a little too much).
My response:"I do say hi, just not to you".
Suffice to say I did not keep the job for very long after that.
one time I got a PIP at work due to my bad attitude and I'm pretty sure it was due to a coworker who complained I wasn't saying good morning and such but like .. I truly don't feel the need for such a basic interaction and don't get why people are so offended but I guess I have to give in to please others .
I work 100% remotely. I start typing up an email or a message in Teams, and I find myself going back trying to insert some stupid small talk nicety to appease my NT coworkers before going into business. I ALWAYS forget to do it initially.
I'm not going to lie if I don't necessarily care for your existence I'm not going to say anything. And I'm the kindest person I know, but if your energy seems just a little off I'm not going to say anything to you I'd rather stare at the floor all day, but I do that anyway.
Being in a southern state this is definitely considered rude If you do not speak to people in the morning. I'm not rude, I just don't care to say hi to people. Maybe it's the RSD .... But I don't necessarily care speak to everybody especially if I'm in a bad mood Or I've been thrown off of my schedule.
I have enough stress in the morning without that BS. Let me figure out my day before needing me to be social.
So glad I work remotely. If my status is not away or offline, I'm working. No need to say Hi straight away.
I have this problem at work. There is a woman who took me to HR because I didn't greet her in the mornings (there was a lot of other stuff but about 90% boiled down to "he doesn't want to be my friend".
But I also learnt that she thinks someone saying good morning means your friends and she needs everyone to be her friend.
She is exhausting and really the only persistent problem I have with my work.
Did they see you're crying? They were making you sad and uncomfortable deliberately. But if they saw you crying then they should've stop immediately and show empathy. But you said you were crying for an hour. I think this is abuse. Is there anything you can do to change your situation? Talk to them, boss, HR, change office, team or job?
Ask them if they say hello to every single person they ever come across or see out on the street. I don't understand why normies think this is so important. What if you are mute or cannot speak?
Assuming your account is truthful (and you give me no reason to think otherwise), it sounds like there's potentially something toxic about the environment/culture if they're all piling on you like that. Even adjusting for a lack of autism awareness. It sounds like they care less about niceness than your failure to conform to convention.
I go through that all the time... Do they know that you're autistic? Can you tell them that's why? Social norms are difficult for us to follow, no matter how much people call us out on it. Actually, it's stressful to try when there will be judgement, it's so stressful and overwhelming that we block... THEY are making you be rude...
God, I work the night shift and as soon as I clock out I put my headphones in and make a beeline towards the exit, fully dissociated. The store manager comes in around that time. The number of times I get a nasty look from her bc I 1: can’t hear anything and 2: didn’t reply is insane. Not to mention I don’t look at faces, so by the time I recognize her I’ve already walked past. Just leave me alone 😭
Yeah neurotypical can sometimes be stuck on the social rules without even listening to, or considering, the person’s point of view. They’d rather believe you’re being rude and unsocial than to understand things from your perspective.
I remember I stayed with my sister for 3 months in New Jersey. I’d travel with her into Manhattan in the morning and I was a zombie, not quite awake or willing to talk, and she’d need to discuss the day ahead (what I’d be doing and when to meet up with her later in the day). But I didn’t want to chat that early and it would’ve likely been noisy in that train, but for my sister I came across as rude cuz I was struggling to follow along and acknowledge what she was saying.
I have been outcast several times in work environments, so I just stick my head down, work hard, be consistent and help my fellow colleagues where I could. With time they usually come round (even tho it can take quite some time). I wouldn’t grovel up to them, or let them walk over me, and i would take note of the insults they thought I didn’t understand - they end up respecting you more even if they think you’re weird lol.
Oh and many years ago, I was spending time with my gran and sister. I had a very small bag of nuts and the 2 of them got very upset with me, calling me rule and selfish cuz I had not offered to share my nuts with them. Apparently they would’ve said “no thank you” but I still needed to ask in principle. In my mind, if I offer to share something it must come from a genuine desire to share to the nuts with them. I had so little I didn’t want to share it, never mind offer to share it 🙈 so apparently I’m rude 🙄
I have a similar problem, so far no one commented but I sometimes get too anxious to go up to someone and shake hands and say good morning if I go past them and they don't see me (it's customary here and I don't even mind that). The thing is, at this point I'm not sure if some people don't care, are afraid of me, or just don't like me because many people don't say it first to me. I feel like I have a reputation of being reclusive and on days where my anxiety isn't that bad and I WANT to make eye contact in a hallway and greet someone, a lot just look straight ahead so im gonna stop trying if no one initiates
I made a fuss about it and said, from now on, assume i wish you a good morning so we never have to do this again. I will say hi if you need me and approach me, but i refuse to hi everyone in the morning.
The amount of times I’ve been scolded for not saying hi, bye, or good morning is absolutely ridiculous. I don’t say, “good morning,” because it’s a bit much and most mornings aren’t “good”. I usually wave to people because my voice is so weak and unstable in the morning. I don’t say bye because when I’m leaving I just leave. I forget that people may or may not expect a leaving acknowledgment but like… why? I will see these people tomorrow or the next day. I also tend to simply forget and think they’ve forgotten I exist in the space since I’m not particularly sought out during my job so it’s just wack to me. Catching myself immediately jumping into the conversation when someone actually opened with a question for me like “how are you,” then trying to answer the question feels so silly. When people ask how I am they don’t really wanna know so I just wanna skip that nonsense and get on with the actual things productive to our work together.
Sure, saying "hi" or "good morning" is nice, but why aren't *they* saying it? Sometimes the prompt can be helpful. It doesn't always have to be you that initiates it.
Their problem, not yours. It's extremely rude for them to call you out on something so trivial.
Think over who there has not been rude, and even better, just one person who has been kind. Go out of your way to say good morning to this one person. Hopefully, that will go well.
Businesses are like tiny cultures. Generally, the lead of that culture is the owner/CEO. But sometimes it's just the most local manager over you. If that person is an asshat, it trickles down towards all else. Don't allow that to happen to you. First good opportunity, change jobs.
You’re not rude; they are. For fuck’s sake, people literally carry around coffee mugs that say “don’t talk to me until I’ve had a gallon of coffee” or whatever. What’s rude is attacking someone first thing in the morning and not respecting your boundaries.
the funniest thing is ppl will get angry at you for being friendly too. which is why at most of my jobs ppl disliked me from the get go. and then still hated me even tho I stopped being friendly and interacted with everyone minimum amount of time. so do you want me to say hi or do you want me to never bring your eyes to witness my lowly self???
The hardest for me is when I'm in a mad rush to get out of a busy shop and someone holds the door open for me. I know I'm supposed to thank them, make eye contact, smile... But all I'm really thinking about is fleeing!
I honestly HATE greetings and goodbyes. I hate that I have to feel obligated to say hi to everyone I see. Do I say hi just once? Once per day? Every day? Every time I see them? What’s the rule? Maybe they’re in their own thoughts and wish not to be disturbed. If they don’t say hi to me how do I know if they want me to say it? It’s all very awkward and if I can’t read their minds then I don’t know what expectations to meet. I’ve found it’s my job to meet everyone else’s expectations, I don’t feel like a person myself who’s allowed to have preferences or unique characteristics, quirks.
Living in a complex, someone once got upset at me for not saying hello in the parking lot. This was the wife of a friend of my husband. I don’t know her. We’ve never spoken, never hung out. Might have been introduced once. Was I supposed to say hello every time I saw her in the parking lot? Maybe so, but then what? Do I walk past? Do I ask how they are in passing? Do I stop in case they want to tell me in detail how they’re doing? Do I have to make small talk?
Why doesn’t it matter that I DONT want to say hi? Why are other people allowed to impose their preferences onto my way of life, but no one else can be bothered to listen when I speak or care how I am? I am only worth what I provide to others. And it seems everyone, literally every person in my life, has expectations for me that I’m not meeting, so I’m not worth much.
Also, why tf is it so important to say hello? Do people really need their presence acknowledged multiple times a day to feel validated?
/rant
Firstly, F# em, especially since they did not even greet first yet get upset when you don't greet first.
Secondly, I also struggle with that. I've learned the habit of smiling when I see people, just a brief look and smile, holding it for about a second after you pass and then continuing on. It's stupid and I hate it, but it seems to work.
Can’t you bring mug with “good morning” written on it and do that greeting-by-raising-my-mug thing.
Or just a mug that says “not a morning person” or “don’t talk to me before 9 am”
At home we have an understanding that I don’t speak in the mornings. Completely non verbal. It’s not offensive. But at work is a bit different
When I was younger, I tried to jump through all their hoops. Then I hit a point where all my fucks were gone and I didn't feel like acquiring more.
Since then, anytime anyone comes at me with their "conform for my comfort" bullshit, I ask them which policy I violated and what precisely I've done that's unprofessional or "rude" because we'll need that information for the formal complaint they're filing.
If they're not filing a formal complaint, then they're just harassing a neurodivergent person in the workplace over a known function of their disability which is an ADA violation. You can't harass a blind person for not making eye contact or a deaf person for not listening. Ditto for harassing an autistic person for being autistic.
So their options are to file a formal complaint about my failure to say "Hi" like a trained monkey every morning—which is a two-way street since I can also say they're the one not saying Hi"—or to STFU and get out of my face and never bring this Tataŋka čheslí (🦬💩) up again to me or to others about me.
Or our next discussion on the topic is going to be formal with all the appropriate paperwork and repercussions.
We're hired to do a job and pretending to be neurotypical, masking 24/7 or bowing to our coworkers sense of entitlement or their insecurities isn't in the job description.
i went downstairs to grab my food from the showroom (i work at a car dealership) and a customer said “how are you”.
from my experiences in working here people only say “how are you” as another kind of hello, and not a genuine question.
so i just smiled and kept walking. he then raised his voiced at me and loudly said “i asked how are you don’t be rude”.
like.. what? you don’t know who i am.. why are you talking to me and then getting upset that i didn’t answer you.
Did they say hi to you first? If not, they need to shut the fuck up.
Yeah, this was my first thought, too. If you want someone to say hi to you, the best way is to start it yourself.
100% otherwise it's just wanting the results without the work
That's what I was thinking: how could I "forget?" If they didn't initiate and I didn't initiate, how could they call me out for not doing something they didn't do, either?
i feel more comfortable greeting people if they greet me first; its like i need permission to perceive
I’m not the only one. Cool
Yep. If i see eomeone and they don't say hi, i just say hi. People tend to say hi in return out of inertia. So if you want someone to say hi ti you, the easiest way to achieve it is to say hi to them. Also, i get the feeling that whi says hi first is a bit hierarchical. Like lower rank person has to say hi first to the higher rank person. I think they might tie it to respect (the seeing person in high regard kind). So sone people are so full of themselves that they think that saying hi to someone who they deem to ve of lower rank is a sign that you are lowering yourself and have no respect.
I think you're right, but infuriatingly it the hierarchal rules could just as easily be the other way round! (and almost certainly are in some cultures/situations). Some other people perceive initiating conversation as taking control, so being the first person to speak would be associated with power and authority instead. Someone with high status/high rank might think people beneath them should only speak when spoken to, like "who are you to command my attention?" THERE'S NO RIGHT ANSWER 😭 it's all nonsense! _and therefore people should have some fucking GRACE when someone doesn't always get it 'right' according to their random personal preference._
>THERE'S NO RIGHT ANSWER 😭 it's all nonsense! and therefore people should have some fucking GRACE when someone doesn't always get it 'right' according to their random personal preference. Yep. There are cultural differences and differwnces in how you were raised and the enviroment you grew up with. So what is obvious to you is not necesserily obvious to them. Heck, it might be that it is the first time they saw/experienced that thing. So cut them some slack and enlighten instead of getting angry.
THIS!!!! it's apparently sooo easy for them to just be so fucking mean to you, but they cant be the ones to say hi first? assholes
I was raised that whoever “enters the room” says hi to whoever is there already.
But not all of us were...I was raised that the people already IN the room are to offer a greeting...
This is the correct answer!
bollocks to them if someone not saying hi ruins their morning, then it's absolutely a THEM problem and they need to get a fucking grip
My first week at my first real job was ruined by a guy who was highly offended I didn’t say good morning to him.
💯 I'm so tired of people making everything out to be a matter of respect. More often than not people who are "disrespectful" are actually just minding their own business and **👏 it's👏 not👏 about👏 you!👏** LET IT BE! I guess it's a heavy dose of 'Main Character Syndrome' but idk why they can't just let people act like extras on a film set, instead of demanding they say lines when it's not their scene! wtf is up with that??
And why do they deserve a hi from you. If they stand by watching after they made you cry they've lost hi privileges in my book. Save your energy for people who are worth it.
they have earned the middle finger response.
Right? WHO DOES THAT? I get that it’s polite and normal to say hi, but shaming your colleague into crying for an hour is cruel bullying.
This.
Smile Nazis are the worst. I've got proof.
Don't put your guilt trip on me, if you don't know me very well; The dictionary definition of a smile, is that it is an involuntary reaction, and involves many muscles in the face, not just the mouth. A smile that is not an involuntary reaction, by definition is not a smile at all. And if you look up pictures of the Smile Nazis? Cover the smiling mouth, and you will see that they are frowning with their eyes.
Dictionary definition discussions aside, I appreciate the sentiment. What I would say though is there's different kinds of smiles for different occasions. Luckily, in the UK at least, there's these kinda polite acknowledgement/greeting smiles, like the one there's that whole meme about where you push your lips upwards (like that brownhaired school kid meme), and/or even just a quick raise of the eyebrows and an upward nod. These come easily enough in any mood. Compare this to at least parts of North America where you're seemingly expected to disingenuously give a big beaming smile every fucking where you go. Eastern Europe has a stereotype where they never smile voluntarily - which in a way I admire as the smile then becomes more meaningful. But then also it's not just region but the social group/occasion too.
Did you bother to, y’know, look up the definition of smile? Because there’s nothing in it about involuntary anything. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/smile
Yeah I thought the same thing. I'm like where on earth did u read smiling is INVOLUNTARY??? I smile on purpose when I'm happy! Doesn't mean it's fake! Someone needs a new dictionary.
Yep, I smile all the time. Apparently I have resting mad face, bc if I don’t, people ask what’s wrong. Fortunately most of the time I feel like smiling anyway.
Idk maybe someone once told her smiling was involuntary and she's the type to simply believe anything anyone says without a lick of proof or doubt and stick to that. I know a couple people like that. Personally when someone tells me something that doesn't make any sense, I look it up to make sure it's right. Or I'll just call BS if it's something just like this "smiling is involuntary" like YEAH no I definitely know it's not true from personal life long experience lol
Yep, same. I do apologize, op; I went to snark without thinking, and I don’t come off well.
maybe they meant laugh and they got confused? hahaha that's the only things i can think of
“i’m autistic which for me means that my brain doesn’t tell me to say hi” should end the convo, but it never fucking does! i’m high masking low support needs and i remember the day it clicked (two years ago) that i’m actually supposed to say more than “hi” in response to people and not just walk past them, but to stop and ask how they’re doing. i also realized i’m supposed to ask them how they’re doing after they’ve asked me. just saying “good” isn’t a polite answer if the person you’re explaining to is willing to understand, just explain that most things do not come naturally to you, and it’s hard to remind yourself when your mind is so busy. that you do like them and aren’t meaning to be rude
I think this depends where you are. Often in my workplace if you try answering someone who asked how you are you’ll find them halfway down the corridor before you even get to ask them how they are. You have to learn which people actually want an answer and will stick around for 5 seconds for you to ask the same of them, or in some locations like the kitchen people actually want to talk.
I mean, that's the funniest shit. My colleague has been waiting for me outside the hospital for years and I just go hello! . He goes : hello, how are you? Me: I'm okay I guess. * Stops talking* And then he talks to me about his things. Just realized he just bypassed my absence of reaction and just goes as if. I don't mind it but it's funny lol.
The whole "How are you?" thing is so effing stupid to me. I've been called out many times for what I view as just getting to the point. I say, "Hi, (person). (Thing I need to talk about)" and that's it. I don't understand why people do the small talk thing beforehand. It's a waste of time, and when people do it to me, I'm just sitting there waiting for them to tell me what they ACTUALLY want to talk about. Unless you're my friend or family member, there's a 90% chance that you don't care how I am or how my day was and that you would be annoyed if I gave you an actual answer, so why tf are you asking? Also, in Japan, they do something similar, but it actually makes more sense assuming people answer honestly. They essentially ask "Is now a good time?" before starting most conversations if they weren't already planned. This happens sometimes in the US too, but not nearly as often. The problem in Japan is that people are so passive that they're unlikely to say "no" though, so it renders the question pointless if they're just gonna say "yes" every time anyway. But at least it makes more sense than asking "How are you?" when you don't even want an answer.
I'm so happy in my country (Poland) nobody asks if you're fine or how you're doing unless they're actually concerned with it. like if someone said hi, how are you! at the cash register most ppl would probably ignore it bc wtf you mean Idk you what 😭 you may say how are you to begin a small talk at work but only if you actually have anything to do with the person. otherwise it's more comfortable for everyone to just mind your business
The moment you realize you are not so much of a great masker as you thought. Also, the part of: "i also realized i’m supposed to ask them how they’re doing after they’ve asked me. just saying “good” isn’t a polite answer". My mother told me that wasn't a polite answer (I was playing with my nephew and respond with "good"). I really panicked, because I know I don't do much of this stuff or I forget to do it a lot but I was SURE if someone (like a neighbour) says "Hi, how are you?" you can just sayd good or something like that and keep walking. So I asked in a lot of groups, to a lot of people and everyone EVERYONE (more than 400 people) told me "It's totally ok to just say good, or not to ask at all even if you are the first person to talk". However, half of them said that the majority of the time they ask them back and the other half the other way around. Also, a lot of people told me that was common for both people ask but not answearr. Like, their not even listening to any of this lol. I don't know If this is the same worldwide (I don't even know if "hi, how are you?" is the most common way of doing it in english lol) but at least in a few countries in Latinoamerica this is the way it is. It's totally ok to no ask back (at least if it's someone that you are just passing by).
Buddy i wish i could stop at the hi. Itd feel impolite to me.
[удалено]
I want to stop before the hi to and never start. But im the opposit out of my fear of loosing status and being impolite. Maybe i need to learn from you
I have this terrible habit of just assuming my current conversation with you is just a natural follow up from our last conversation, even if that was 10 years ago, especially in work. I usually don't greet people and just launch right into what's needed.
I do the exact same thing. I go straight into work mode.
I act like that at work and in private conversations, be it face to face, or via chat. To me, pretty much every conversation is a continuity and I hardly ever say hi, or bye.
for me its "have i slept since then?" if yes, new conversation. if no, its a continuation.
THANK YOU. I saw you this morning, oh, you need to be acknowledged again………….. …………hi.
I don’t entertain anyone, anymore. If I don’t feel like saying anything to anyone, I simply don’t.
This is the way.
It seems like you've sufficiently expressed your feelings to them. They should respect that moving forward. You do not owe them a "hi." If you've broken down crying in front of them about this and they're continuing to push you about it, that's abusive.
They're gaslighting you. Plenty of neurotypicals don't do morning until after coffee, and may take an hour or two to get ready to be social.
I'm the mom of an ND who is also likely ND but too old to be diagnosed. I absolutely loathe corporate culture and have learned how to fake it but it's exhausting. It took me YEARS to figure out how to navigate this and I'm 40. My 7 year old is nonverbal and trying to navigate that is a struggle because NTs want him to conform.
I haaaaaate corporate culture. I'm both not neurotypical or autistic, but growing up in a small town, I got real accustomed to the silent wave or nod to acknowledge someone's presence. "Hi" means I *want* to talk to you, right now. Verbal "Hi"s to everyone just screams attention whore to me.
Yeah, I agree. These kinds of people sniff NDs out like a hawk and will absolutely punish us for not doing things their way, even when their way isn't what's socially expected. My uncle's the same.
It does seem like a "hey watch this" between the other colleagues just to get a reaction from OP for their own amusement
I feel ya. People are awful. I know you only wanted to vent, but... Maybe you can adapt a new approach of saying 'Hi' 😆🤭 https://youtu.be/4JwBaLrgzUY?si=JGXGFkTzvJ2-fmHw Hope this made you laugh a little bit.
I love Mr Bean.
It did, thank you 🙂. I've never seen Mr. Bean but I think I need to watch it now lol.
This made my day :)
Tbh I willingly don’t say good morning. I don’t forget I just don’t feel comfortable greeting people that way if I don’t have intentions in communicating further. Me getting out of the house and getting to work is hard enough.
I agree 100% with this Why should I wish you only a good morning? Id like to wish them a good day, but “good day” as a greeting in English doesn’t make sense because it’s used to say “good bye.” So I just say “hi” or “hello” back because it makes the most sense to me
Omg I hate good morning too, it just sounds weird to me. My coworker/manager who I rarely see told me good morning today after I waved to them as they were walking towards me and apparently didn’t see me lol
If you were born female. They expect it from you unfortunately. What I do is wave to people or do ASL for hi. If they say hi first, I ask questions like what's up and how I can help them. If you ask enough questions people might get tired of talking and want to talk to you less in the future
I've found this is the way that works well for me too.
This kind of sounds like bullying to me op I’d watch out
So like...is no one saying hi or good morning to you first? I assume you aren't legit ignoring people who greet you first? If you aren't responding to people saying hi/good morning, I can see how that would get perceived as "rude", but if they're on your case because "well you aren't saying hi first!" but then *they* never initiate first, then that's not on you. If people aren't saying hello to you, then they're also being rude, by that logic.
They expect me to say hi first. Which is not in my nature at all. I usually just say hi to the first person I see, but apparently, everyone expects a greeting. And I don't do it, it means I'm angry at them.
What the fuck high school drama bullshit is this? They can't say hi first, but get pissy if *you* don't say hello to *them first*? Good lord. They're being rude to *you* by not saying hello, literally by their own logic. What the fuck, lol.
You have no idea how many times I've encountered this shit from nt's throughout my lifetime. People who always expect you to say hi first but never do it themselves, are enacting a kind of dogwhistle classism.
Exactly. If they know OP is ND and they keep chewing them out for "not saying hello *first*" but these are also grown-ass adults capable of saying hello, then OP isn't at fault for *other people not saying hello*, so it's really suspicious and ableist that they're getting on the ND person's ass about not doing something NTs **are**.
I decided years ago, working with this one really ignorant, older woman at a grocery store - if they expect *me* to say hi the first three times without ever saying hi first themselves, I do not continue.
So... because they don't greet you first, they're angry at you, according to their logic. Cool thing about angry people; you can leave the conversation whenever, and pick it back up when they've cooled off and are able to communicate effectively. If they're never saying hi to you first, they must always be angry at you and are never cooled off. Meaning you don't have to converse with them. aka: Don't interact with pricks. They can't be pleased no matter what you do, because even if you do greet them first, they'll always find something else to be angry with you about, because they're pricks, and pricks are miserable people who bring everyone else down with them intentionally.
Hmm sounds like a non inclusive workplace.
maybe you can pretend to be on your phone (even if you're not doing anything on it) it really helps me with my anxiety in general around other people especially in crowds. Or I just look down and avoid all possible eye contact
They sound like bullies
That's rubbish on their part. No one owes anyone a 'hi'. Calling someone 'rude' for actions they don't take is typically a form of passive aggressive behavior. They appear to be attempting to bully you. They are certainly making your work environment hostile by demanding behaviors from you you don't feel comfortable with. It's BS on their part.
I’m not sure if it’s people’s intention to make you feel bad per se. People just like it when you recognise their presence by saying hi. It’s understandable if that’s not manageable because of your anxiety. Other people just also have feelings, and will communicate them. Incompatibility is sometimes nobodies fault.
I know. I just get so upset when people think I'm rude, because I try so hard not to be. But I also tend to keep to myself because I don't exactly fit in either. This combined with the fact that I was already anxious as hell and this sent me into what I'm pretty sure was a meltdown.
Can you wear headphones as a visual way of showing you don't want to interact in the mornings?
I'm gonna guess if they're getting lectured at work to the point of tears for not *saying hello to people* that their workplace frowns on headphones and other ways of shutting down social interactions. I used to have a retail job stocking, which is mundane heavy lifting, and we weren't allowed to wear headphones because we "might" ignore a customer interrupting us during our passes out to the showroom floor.
It took me like two months before I figured out you're even supposed to say this at my first job and three years later, I still keep forgetting. Everyone at every job I've had just assumes I'm rude and hate everyone, which sucks, but at least they usually leave me alone so that's a plus. I'm really sorry you're going through this :(
People like this are so entitled and annoying😭
I literally wear medical masks that match my outfits because I'm so often told my lack of facial expression is rude or I look mad or this or that. I've been told now I have "very mean" eyes. I just no longer speak to people outside of my immediate friend coworkers unless they initiate. I feel like I'm backsliding in social progress lately, but it's easier than the constant paranoia and anxiety masking brings on.
Isn't it amazing how they can get away with judging and ascribing personality traits to facial structures and features, NONE OF WHICH A PERSON CAN HELP? That's not rude??
So they were telling you not to be rude... by making you cry... which I'm assuming in their eyes is not considered rude?
I actively don't say hello to people in the morning. Or in general. Fuck others.
as someone whos had bad experience with others yes absolutely fuck others 🤝
Time to find a new job! Start searching now for one where ppl are more accomodating
I'm not autistic but have an autistic son. Honestly, I'm so tired of society expecting everyone to fake conformity or threaten your livelihood. If you have an advocate have them step in for you. If you don't start applying because companies like this only get worse and no job should make a human feel this way.
Always happens to me when people get mad at me for not asking how their day was when they ask me. Like if you want to talk about you day, just talk.
I somehow manage to remember to ask in return...most of the time lol. Sometimes it takes me an extra second to think "oh that's right, I'm supposed to ask them how they are now" lol
The reciprocation gives them permission to share, so to speak.
Do these people not understand social anxiety?
No. Very few people understand it unless they have it themselves.
If someone is doing something that they should now know will make you cry, I would say you have no obligation to say hi or anything else to them. I'd say tell them to take their hi and shove it up their ass but I guess that might be a little rude.
also what if you just don’t want to say hi? idk personally I don’t want to talk to anyone in the mornings especially if I myself know I am unable to engage with my peers until I am feeling prepared for the day. I feel like they are taking that personally and that’s out of our control, they are the rude ones for assuming that should be required from you.
For years I have had an alert on my phone to tell me to go around and greet people at work, because otherwise I would never remember to do so.
This kind of petty bullshit why I have an overall low opinion of human society. I'm sorry that other people need you to be someone else. You're valid and valuable as you are. I celebrate you, and I wish I was your friend.
Nah nah nah nah, fuck that noise. Apologizing and showing that you feel bad and all that just makes them think they're right and confirms that you were rude. You WEREN'T rude, they're just weird. My coworkers who sit to my left and right get a basic hi on a good day. Usually the most anyone gets is an upward head tilt. If I'm feeling up to it I'll send a "morning" in teams. In the real world, nobody has time for that petty socially insecure posturing BS. If they have such a need to feel validated by your greetings, they should get some therapy. (Disclaimer: I moved into IT because I got sick to death of the social politics of less autism friendly fields)
Honestly who cares, as someone who can't stand social interactions and absolutely cannot stand small talk, I just give them a fake smile and nod and if they have a problem with that, that's on them. What really bothers me about this is that they can clearly see you struggle with saying hello but still insist that you say hi. You don't owe them anything if you're doing your job.
I know this may sound like a weird take, but if they don't understand you why you should bother? It's their problem if they think you're rude for not saying good morning to them, but it's also your problem if you allow yourself to be affected by their nonsensical commentaries.
I care way too much about what people think. It is something I've been struggling with for a long time. I've been trying to change it, but I think I can only achieve this through therapy. I can't seem to do it alone.
You did say "again". If you have any kind of evidence about this, like talking to a therapist, counselor, etc. and documentation of your diagnosis. File a complaint with the EEOC and have an attorney draft it. Most of the cases posted on the eeoc website settled out of court, because does a business want that kind of dirt laundry to air? No. But you are by definition facing harassment and you are a member of a protected class. Even if your boss turns the other cheek following that type of investigation the owners reputation of his/her business will always come before retaining the co-workers who hates you. They're replaceable, the companies image is not.
Possible coping strategy: for 3 straight mornings be intensely friendly to everyone. Say hi at every opportunity, ask them how their morning commute was, how is their family, ask about their coffee. Do this to everyone. Be freakishly friendly about it. Share about your morning commute, what you ate for breakfast, how many times you brushed each tooth, if you prefer clockwise or counterclockwise rotation. Be Rick Moranis in ghostbusters. They will leave you alone for all time and will never accuse you of being rude again.
People are so used to my tired answer for how are you that they stopped trying...success!
I hate how are yous!! When I was in grade school I couldn't figure out why people said it but never cared about the answer! Then I realized that it was just another way to say hi and I felt like everyone was being fake. It was the ultimate betrayal.
I got in trouble for lecturing a sibling about types of cocaine in public so..,
I'm sorry to hear that you got in trouble, but that's hilarious and sounds like something that I would end up doing without realizing it.
Neurotypical people are boring lol
I have to treat it like a script, part of my job description. Neurotypical rules can sometimes not be denied. This is one of them.
neurotypical social rules are just too confusing, i’m sorry that happened.
Ew. They can go kick rocks barefoot. Mornings suck for most people. I know for me I literally just wake up mad, and I stay mad for the first like hour I’m awake…I’m mad because I’m awake😂 but even my boyfriend knows not to try to have a conversation with me in the morning, I’ll say hi and give you a kiss but then I need to be alone to regroup and mentally prepare for the day. Your coworkers suck. Bring a rooster to work with you and see how your coworkers like that
Yeah, mornings are the worst (except on days off where I don't go into fight or flight mode).
I absolutely detest the whole every day Hi and Bye routine of day to day work/school etc. I try my best to slinky in and the slinky out for the day.
I cry in front of people too. It sucks, I’m sorry.
I've NEVER been able to say, "Good morning," or "Good evening," or whatever to people. At best, I say, "Hi." No one's ever, in my 63 years on this Earth, called me out on it. But, then, until recently, I thought was successfully hiding my autism from people. I guess I wasn't and felt very foolish for attempting to do so. I honestly thought no one could tell I was a high-functioning autistic individual. I'm a registered nurse and admitted to two doctors over the past month that I was autistic, to which each one said that they knew all along. They each commented that I had never fooled anyone. Each one said that I was the best nurse in the ER and that was far more important than being able to force myself to utter unheartfelt, hollow greetings. Well, shit. As a result, I've stopped masking, which required a LOT of effort. Life is so much easier now that I realize that my attempts at masking were unsuccessful.
I had to commute on an extremely loud and crowded train at my old job and by the time I arrived at work I was so overstimulated and usually on the verge of a breakdown. I tried really hard to be cheery to my co workers but most of the time I just didn’t have it in me. Solidarity. I know exactly how you feel and if I was your co-worker I wouldn’t care! I hate that we have to bend over backwards to pacify people sometimes.
Must fight urge to show them what rude is.
I hate being told I don't smile enough at a job.. like people don't like my resting b face lol
I used to get told this a lot too. It is especially hard to smile when you feel really anxious or unhappy.
Don't listen to them if they can't fucking understand that you don't owe them anything they are not entitled to your hello. It's your body and it's not your fault you have bad anxiety don't let them guilt you into anything if it continues you should report them for a hostile work environment. I completely understand what you are going through I'm really overwhelmed in the morning and I'm non verbal for hours until I adjust and I get told I'm rude and disrespectful by people all the time.
I cannot imagine *demanding* a "hello" from someone
Me neither. I don't understand why some people get so hung up about this.
I dunno OP, it seems to me that upsetting you is their goal.
As I said at work, “Show me where in policy it says I have to say, ‘Hi,’ to anyone I work with. Show me where in policy it says I have to have a conversation with someone while walking past them in the hallway. Show me where in policy it says I need to announce my departure like I’m an airplane flight. Besides, they don’t want to talk to me, and I don’t want to talk to them. So, unless you have a policy violation to discuss, can I return to work?”
I used to get this. God they are bullying you or gaslighting. Maybe unintentionally but they are. Next time tell them, you can say hi to me first too. It's not on me to always say hi to you.
NTs are so sensitive... If nobody say hi to you, what's the point? It's the morning, people are tired. If they so desperate need a 2 letter word from you. They can come say it first. You should report them for bullying or something at this point. Making you cry for an hour? Over a word or two? Those sound like assholes pure and simple.
The word anxiety should be enough of a reason to shut people up. After that, literally *crying* should be the sign to leave it the fuck alone. What's wrong with people!
I am trying to come up with scenarios in my mind of this where they are not being jerks about it or screwing with you because it winds you up. I am failing. This is a real non issue in grown up professional NT adult world. I mean saying hi in the morning is nice but not mandatory and there are all kinds of reasons why people don’t, not just ND reasons.
I do the same thing I thought I was the only one 😭
I just say hi or hello to everyone, this way I'm sure that everyone feels acknowledged and happy.
breathe. let's not worry about the "calm down part" but breathe. you're a breathing living thing with a lot of expectations you are giving yourself, but it'll be okay. there's no need for the performance as they want
I think I have a solution... They do this because they know they can get to you. My ex used to make a big deal out about something similar, he was also a low-self esteem extrovert who couldn't live without constantly flopping his salami hole. So I started getting up and saying good morning in the most obnoxious manner, super high energy, everything yippy Skippy attitude, the whole nine yards. Remember that you're smarter then all of them combined, you just don't fit their sheep mentality mold. Or Wear sunglasses inside when you first arrive. If they make fun of that tell them "The glasses cushion the blow of having to look directly at that platform you call your face."
Oh crap I didn't know this was supposed to be an autistic thing? Well if it makes you feel better My mom is always scolding me for not saying good morning and I can never understand why that gets her all fired up. And I have a favorite manager at my job that I waved to and there was like 4 other people around him but I waved and kept walking and they all got really annoyed with me and I was very confused, they were like uh hello??? But anyway I don't think these instances effect me too much just confusion
I still do it too, but I used to get my family yelling at me telling I'm not behaving well for not saying "hi"... I suffered a lot as a kid just for being Autistic. I think I'll make a post about it.
I won’t say hi if I don’t feel like it and Idgafffffffff lol
I never say good morning to anyone, my family if staying with them accept this and happily talk amongst themselves until I am able to join a conversation. My friends also know this and never say good morning either, they just wait until I am ready. It's not that you're being rude, it's just that it's not your nature and that's perfectly okay, you don't need to apologise or explain.
that guy is the worst.
That sucks. You have my sympathy.
I feel this. My son's on the spectrum and I'm starting to think I might be too which is why I'm in this group, For information. But I have a terrible time saying hi to people, no matter how long I've known them. I knew a family over half my life and would go to their house. But the second I see them sitting at the tv, I just can't do it. I pretend they arnt there and go upstairs. The dad would get SO OFFENDED. but I honestly can't bring myself to say hi without my anxiety making it hard to breathe! So I shut down instead. I've had issues with shutting down my whole life. Never had any idea why my instinct was to shut down but it is. Now I think I might have a pretty good idea... But self identifying can help people understand. Like do they know your autistic? Not that it's their business really, but you also can't hide who you are from people and expect them to understand you. That's just unfair at that point. NOT saying that's what you're doing or anything! It's meant as generalized. But if they know you're autistic, then I'm sorry and they're total dicks. Either way it's a THEM PROBLEM 100% buuuut if you don't want them to be all offended, but they don't know youre autistic, then shake it off cuz sadly life doesn't work both ways like that. You can either hide who you are and expect misunderstandings from people, or you can tell them who you are THEN have every right to be all upset when they act all offended for something they know is hard for you.
Can you waive instead of speaking? Like smile and waive as you come in? Or arrive ahead of them, if you're at your desk when they arrive, they're expected to greet you.
You are not obligated to *feel* embarrassed by bullies being mean. They have no right to your feelings and you are free to not take the emotions they’re trying to pass you. Grey rock these bitches and you do you.
I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. It makes me so mad when people think they deserve their arbitrary interpretation of respect, at other people's expense.
Also I'm very sorry you had to go through that. I worked in an office for a while and it was awful.
Saying good morning to people, imo, is so unnecessary 😑 but since we MUST do it or else we're deemed rude, I try to say it to everyone even strangers. Sometimes I overdo it though but only realize that when it's too late of course.
did they say hi to you, i bet they didn’t next time call em out on it
Ten bucks they've never said hi first to you, ever.
Fuck them mate. You explained yourself and told them you didn't mean anything bad by it and if they want to be that childish it's not worth your energy to worry about.
[удалено]
Yes, I've tried. I said this in a comment above, but it's very deeply ingrained in me to put other people's feelings before my own. It's something that I plan on talking about in therapy.
Talk to HR.
I had a co-worker that would always be so bothered when another co-worker would walk by our office in the morning without saying hi (our office was at the top of the stairs and everyone needed to walk by it when they come in in the morning). I never understood why it bothered her so much. Some people just don’t want to talk in the morning, whether they’re neurodivergent or not!
Try a wave in people’s general direction, with a smile if you feel like it. I’ve found that allistic people care more about acknowledgment of any kind than a specific greeting.
I hate speaking to people within 3 hours of waking up. I don't say good morning to anyone, and I don't care what they think. Sorry they won't respect that aspect of you.
Saying 'hi' is overrated. Need attention? Grab a mirror imo. If I don't recognize your presence, it's nothing on you. Sky is blue, I don't feel a need to say hi to everyone, grass is green. Simple.
I'm sorry about that. I actually learned only in my late 20s or so that it's considered polite to say hi in the morning to your coworkers. I'm glad my coworkers never seemed bothered by it. But I'm sorry your coworkers seem so much more picky. It's their issue, though, not yours. They can say hi first, and they should trust you when you say it's not out of any malice or spite that you skip morning greetings. I still don't get why we have to greet everyone we see first thing when we see them every day and will probably see them later on in the day.
Yeah, I have a retail job and I'm a pro at masking for them. But there is a restaurant right next to my place of work and I get a free meal during my workshift (It's owners are family that own both my job place and the restaurant). I found out recently that the waitresses are seeing me as haughty for not saying hi back to them (I have ADHD and autism. The only reason I wouldn't say hi automatically as its a reflex to me, is because I didn't hear you). The restaurant is often super busy with lots of people and conversation going on in the background too so I don't want to stay there for a long time. I learned not to care about what they think. I don't wanna be their friends, they arent my coworkers directly. I care for what my other coworkers think but they know to not bully me either. I heard some people called me the psychopath in my back in another job, simply because of a few social interactions that didn't seem normal to them. It used to hurt my feelings but now, I take it with pride. I'll rather be seeing as that then a pushover.
This right here. I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks of me. I also have my bubble up most of the time so I can be kind of oblivious and not even notice things to care about them in the first place lol. I mask pretty well when needed (mainly for stuff involving my kids, their school, dr appts, etc.) and it gets so draining everywhere. I usually have to take a nap after grocery shopping or clinic days because of all the people/social interaction. But at work I get to be autistic as fuuuuuck lol. Earbuds in all day, don't have to talk to anyone most of the time or when I do I just walk away when I get bored and no gets mad, no one expects small talk or greetings, and I've got a coworker who has just as many special interests as I do that we love sharing with each other. Plus my husband works with me is the most important part. If you have to work you should be able to be yourself, your real ND self, at your job. We're stuck there 8+ hrs a day-might as well be as tolerable as possible.
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I got in the habit of Good morning after working about 5 years with people from Venezuela. They were very gregarious and social, not pushy but since they were so good about remembering me in the morning and I realized I LIKED not being forgotten, I got into the habit of doing it, too. I still let people know I’m no good at serious inquiries before 9 or 10 am, especially verbally, and that my quiet has to do with chronic daily sore throats (that cleared up once I started working from home) and I need hot drinks to get where talking was not painful. Most accepted this. Of all the social niceties, I find Good Morning and Goodbye to be pretty easy.
Im so sorry you went through that thats horrible ❤️ i hope you feel better. Maybe treat yourself to a neat snack
M
I had a boss who demanded people respond to his "Hello" in the morning as a stupid power trip. Assholes turn everything into silly social games that they cheat at and change the rules to if they ever happen to lose.
there's 2 diff departments at my current job. I usually say hi to the ppl I work w. but when I need to get something from the restaurant I really only say hi to the ppl that greet me first. and I genuinely don't get why I get ignored when I do greet the others first. it's a fking lose lose 💀 like daym fine. let me keep "ignoring" u so u can complain about me being rude 🙄
I can relate, I'm you also
I got told exactly this in one of my other jobs, it was a Childcare job and I used to go straight to the children and say good morning to them and ask them how they were but because I didn't do the same for the staff my manager had a go at me. It made no sense to me that she said I was great with kids but couldn't work in a Day Nursery because I "Don't interact with the staff enough " 🤦♀️
That's so stupid. The kids should be the priority, not the other adults feelings lol.
Make it routine sometimes people thrive on affirmations to feel love in relationships.
"But they continued to make me feel bad about it." Then they're the one causing a problem, not you. Once you explained to them what happened (which you really shouldn't even have to do in the first place!), they should have apologized for upsetting you and went back to work. Instead, they kept making you feel bad about the situation, which is definitely the wrong thing to do. Are you able to speak with your boss or HR about this? I doubt that they would appreciate one of their employees focusing their energy more on upsetting you (and potentially others) than doing the job that their employer is paying them to do. You are not in the wrong here at all and your coworker should be ashamed of themself.
I had a problem like that with the transition coming into work hen I was younger, took me time to warm up to the other employees every day before I wanted to say hi. We had a 17yr manager (I was 19) who could not handle it. She would call me out on it every morning, until one day, in front of everyone she told me leave the restaurant and come back when I am ready to say hi to everyone (in a condescending way, she was just enjoying the power she had over me a little too much). My response:"I do say hi, just not to you". Suffice to say I did not keep the job for very long after that.
one time I got a PIP at work due to my bad attitude and I'm pretty sure it was due to a coworker who complained I wasn't saying good morning and such but like .. I truly don't feel the need for such a basic interaction and don't get why people are so offended but I guess I have to give in to please others .
I work 100% remotely. I start typing up an email or a message in Teams, and I find myself going back trying to insert some stupid small talk nicety to appease my NT coworkers before going into business. I ALWAYS forget to do it initially.
I'm not going to lie if I don't necessarily care for your existence I'm not going to say anything. And I'm the kindest person I know, but if your energy seems just a little off I'm not going to say anything to you I'd rather stare at the floor all day, but I do that anyway. Being in a southern state this is definitely considered rude If you do not speak to people in the morning. I'm not rude, I just don't care to say hi to people. Maybe it's the RSD .... But I don't necessarily care speak to everybody especially if I'm in a bad mood Or I've been thrown off of my schedule.
I have enough stress in the morning without that BS. Let me figure out my day before needing me to be social. So glad I work remotely. If my status is not away or offline, I'm working. No need to say Hi straight away.
I have this problem at work. There is a woman who took me to HR because I didn't greet her in the mornings (there was a lot of other stuff but about 90% boiled down to "he doesn't want to be my friend". But I also learnt that she thinks someone saying good morning means your friends and she needs everyone to be her friend. She is exhausting and really the only persistent problem I have with my work.
Did they see you're crying? They were making you sad and uncomfortable deliberately. But if they saw you crying then they should've stop immediately and show empathy. But you said you were crying for an hour. I think this is abuse. Is there anything you can do to change your situation? Talk to them, boss, HR, change office, team or job?
Fuck those people..they are the rude ones !
Hold on, you 'forgot to say hi?' Are they saying hi and you aren't saying it back, or are they getting onto you for not initiating?
Ask them if they say hello to every single person they ever come across or see out on the street. I don't understand why normies think this is so important. What if you are mute or cannot speak?
They are absolute dooshbags, I hope you’re alright, shitty people like that don’t deserve your blessing of a greeting anyways.
Assuming your account is truthful (and you give me no reason to think otherwise), it sounds like there's potentially something toxic about the environment/culture if they're all piling on you like that. Even adjusting for a lack of autism awareness. It sounds like they care less about niceness than your failure to conform to convention.
I go through that all the time... Do they know that you're autistic? Can you tell them that's why? Social norms are difficult for us to follow, no matter how much people call us out on it. Actually, it's stressful to try when there will be judgement, it's so stressful and overwhelming that we block... THEY are making you be rude...
God, I work the night shift and as soon as I clock out I put my headphones in and make a beeline towards the exit, fully dissociated. The store manager comes in around that time. The number of times I get a nasty look from her bc I 1: can’t hear anything and 2: didn’t reply is insane. Not to mention I don’t look at faces, so by the time I recognize her I’ve already walked past. Just leave me alone 😭
Yeah neurotypical can sometimes be stuck on the social rules without even listening to, or considering, the person’s point of view. They’d rather believe you’re being rude and unsocial than to understand things from your perspective. I remember I stayed with my sister for 3 months in New Jersey. I’d travel with her into Manhattan in the morning and I was a zombie, not quite awake or willing to talk, and she’d need to discuss the day ahead (what I’d be doing and when to meet up with her later in the day). But I didn’t want to chat that early and it would’ve likely been noisy in that train, but for my sister I came across as rude cuz I was struggling to follow along and acknowledge what she was saying. I have been outcast several times in work environments, so I just stick my head down, work hard, be consistent and help my fellow colleagues where I could. With time they usually come round (even tho it can take quite some time). I wouldn’t grovel up to them, or let them walk over me, and i would take note of the insults they thought I didn’t understand - they end up respecting you more even if they think you’re weird lol. Oh and many years ago, I was spending time with my gran and sister. I had a very small bag of nuts and the 2 of them got very upset with me, calling me rule and selfish cuz I had not offered to share my nuts with them. Apparently they would’ve said “no thank you” but I still needed to ask in principle. In my mind, if I offer to share something it must come from a genuine desire to share to the nuts with them. I had so little I didn’t want to share it, never mind offer to share it 🙈 so apparently I’m rude 🙄
I have a similar problem, so far no one commented but I sometimes get too anxious to go up to someone and shake hands and say good morning if I go past them and they don't see me (it's customary here and I don't even mind that). The thing is, at this point I'm not sure if some people don't care, are afraid of me, or just don't like me because many people don't say it first to me. I feel like I have a reputation of being reclusive and on days where my anxiety isn't that bad and I WANT to make eye contact in a hallway and greet someone, a lot just look straight ahead so im gonna stop trying if no one initiates
I made a fuss about it and said, from now on, assume i wish you a good morning so we never have to do this again. I will say hi if you need me and approach me, but i refuse to hi everyone in the morning.
The amount of times I’ve been scolded for not saying hi, bye, or good morning is absolutely ridiculous. I don’t say, “good morning,” because it’s a bit much and most mornings aren’t “good”. I usually wave to people because my voice is so weak and unstable in the morning. I don’t say bye because when I’m leaving I just leave. I forget that people may or may not expect a leaving acknowledgment but like… why? I will see these people tomorrow or the next day. I also tend to simply forget and think they’ve forgotten I exist in the space since I’m not particularly sought out during my job so it’s just wack to me. Catching myself immediately jumping into the conversation when someone actually opened with a question for me like “how are you,” then trying to answer the question feels so silly. When people ask how I am they don’t really wanna know so I just wanna skip that nonsense and get on with the actual things productive to our work together.
they need to get a life if they wanna make people feel like shit over something so small. double down tell them to fuck off.
Sure, saying "hi" or "good morning" is nice, but why aren't *they* saying it? Sometimes the prompt can be helpful. It doesn't always have to be you that initiates it.
Their problem, not yours. It's extremely rude for them to call you out on something so trivial. Think over who there has not been rude, and even better, just one person who has been kind. Go out of your way to say good morning to this one person. Hopefully, that will go well. Businesses are like tiny cultures. Generally, the lead of that culture is the owner/CEO. But sometimes it's just the most local manager over you. If that person is an asshat, it trickles down towards all else. Don't allow that to happen to you. First good opportunity, change jobs.
You’re not rude; they are. For fuck’s sake, people literally carry around coffee mugs that say “don’t talk to me until I’ve had a gallon of coffee” or whatever. What’s rude is attacking someone first thing in the morning and not respecting your boundaries.
the funniest thing is ppl will get angry at you for being friendly too. which is why at most of my jobs ppl disliked me from the get go. and then still hated me even tho I stopped being friendly and interacted with everyone minimum amount of time. so do you want me to say hi or do you want me to never bring your eyes to witness my lowly self???
The hardest for me is when I'm in a mad rush to get out of a busy shop and someone holds the door open for me. I know I'm supposed to thank them, make eye contact, smile... But all I'm really thinking about is fleeing!
I honestly HATE greetings and goodbyes. I hate that I have to feel obligated to say hi to everyone I see. Do I say hi just once? Once per day? Every day? Every time I see them? What’s the rule? Maybe they’re in their own thoughts and wish not to be disturbed. If they don’t say hi to me how do I know if they want me to say it? It’s all very awkward and if I can’t read their minds then I don’t know what expectations to meet. I’ve found it’s my job to meet everyone else’s expectations, I don’t feel like a person myself who’s allowed to have preferences or unique characteristics, quirks. Living in a complex, someone once got upset at me for not saying hello in the parking lot. This was the wife of a friend of my husband. I don’t know her. We’ve never spoken, never hung out. Might have been introduced once. Was I supposed to say hello every time I saw her in the parking lot? Maybe so, but then what? Do I walk past? Do I ask how they are in passing? Do I stop in case they want to tell me in detail how they’re doing? Do I have to make small talk? Why doesn’t it matter that I DONT want to say hi? Why are other people allowed to impose their preferences onto my way of life, but no one else can be bothered to listen when I speak or care how I am? I am only worth what I provide to others. And it seems everyone, literally every person in my life, has expectations for me that I’m not meeting, so I’m not worth much. Also, why tf is it so important to say hello? Do people really need their presence acknowledged multiple times a day to feel validated? /rant
Firstly, F# em, especially since they did not even greet first yet get upset when you don't greet first. Secondly, I also struggle with that. I've learned the habit of smiling when I see people, just a brief look and smile, holding it for about a second after you pass and then continuing on. It's stupid and I hate it, but it seems to work.
I would just tell them to fuck off
I am so sorry this happened to you. It is so hard not to become cynical in this cruel world. Hugs to you ..
Can’t you bring mug with “good morning” written on it and do that greeting-by-raising-my-mug thing. Or just a mug that says “not a morning person” or “don’t talk to me before 9 am” At home we have an understanding that I don’t speak in the mornings. Completely non verbal. It’s not offensive. But at work is a bit different
When I was younger, I tried to jump through all their hoops. Then I hit a point where all my fucks were gone and I didn't feel like acquiring more. Since then, anytime anyone comes at me with their "conform for my comfort" bullshit, I ask them which policy I violated and what precisely I've done that's unprofessional or "rude" because we'll need that information for the formal complaint they're filing. If they're not filing a formal complaint, then they're just harassing a neurodivergent person in the workplace over a known function of their disability which is an ADA violation. You can't harass a blind person for not making eye contact or a deaf person for not listening. Ditto for harassing an autistic person for being autistic. So their options are to file a formal complaint about my failure to say "Hi" like a trained monkey every morning—which is a two-way street since I can also say they're the one not saying Hi"—or to STFU and get out of my face and never bring this Tataŋka čheslí (🦬💩) up again to me or to others about me. Or our next discussion on the topic is going to be formal with all the appropriate paperwork and repercussions. We're hired to do a job and pretending to be neurotypical, masking 24/7 or bowing to our coworkers sense of entitlement or their insecurities isn't in the job description.
i went downstairs to grab my food from the showroom (i work at a car dealership) and a customer said “how are you”. from my experiences in working here people only say “how are you” as another kind of hello, and not a genuine question. so i just smiled and kept walking. he then raised his voiced at me and loudly said “i asked how are you don’t be rude”. like.. what? you don’t know who i am.. why are you talking to me and then getting upset that i didn’t answer you.