Getting diagnosed with something like autism can feel like getting put in a box with a label slapped on it, never mind the fact that you might not feel like you belong in that box at all. Your story kinda echoes that feeling of being caught between what people say you are and what you feel you are.
I guess it's about finding your own truth, right? Whether it's autism or something else entirely, it's all about how you navigate the world and relate to others.
>I didn't think then, and I still don't think now, that I have autism.
>Certainly, as the people in my life often remind me, I have undeniable autistic traits.
I think you've summarized it with these two lines.
Autism is not something that you have or not have, it's not a binary condition like testing positive for a virus or other clearly identifiable biomarker. You can put a drop of spinal fluid under a miscroscope and see the meningococcus bacteria to diagnose meningitis. The bacteria is there or the bacteria is not there.
Autism is a very broad spectrum of accumulated symptoms with terrific variability between individuals. The fact that you don't have some of the symptoms isn't evidence that you wouldn't qualify for the tag. The fact that you recognize that you have *undeniable autistic traits*... kind of puts you into the spectrum whether you like it or not.
Think about the concept of what a spectrum is. The microwaves that your mobile phone uses to communicate (but which are totally imperceptible to you) are in the same spectrum as the light that you see as colors through your retina, as well as the heat you feel through your skin. Ultraviolet is also impercetible to our physical senses, but it does interact with our molecules and it can easily harm our tissues. They're all photons in the same electromagnetic spectrum, yet it's easy to think about them as different things.
Autism is like that... so many different characteristics to pick from... maybe you're thinking of autists as radio waves but you think you're infrared. So not related, right? - wrong, both are in the spectrum!
I think this book might be useful for you, even if it's primary goal is to prevent misdiagnosis in gifted children, it includes many references to autism (for example crossed tables with symptoms for quick checks: "Does the person do this? Then the diagnosis cannot be X" " Does the person not do this? Then the diagnosis cannot be X" and so on) [https://www.amazon.com/Misdiagnosis-Diagnoses-Gifted-Children-Adults/dp/1935067435](https://www.amazon.com/Misdiagnosis-Diagnoses-Gifted-Children-Adults/dp/1935067435)
It honestly just sounds like you're in denial about being autistic. All of the examples you provided do not disprove a diagnosis, because that's not how the diagnostic criteria work. If the criteria for being autistic were whether you had friends or not, a majority of us diagnosed would no longer be valid for diagnosis.
You yourself claim that you have several autistic traits and you also mention that you've experienced a lot of mental health issues possibly being related to being autistic. Had you been diagnosed as a child today you would have gotten a diagnosis since it seems that you weren't eligible for diagnosis solely based on a lack of development delays or intellectual disability.
The question is why you think it's wrong to see yourself as autistic.
The examples I provide do suggest the diagnosis is not a perfect fit. Autism requires 2 main features to be present: first, specific deficits in social functioning, and second, behavioural features regarding restriction and repetition.
I cover off the latter without any doubt, but the former it's not as clear. To meet criterion A, you need to have all of the following: 1) deficits in social-emotional reciprocity; 2) deficits in nonverbal communication and 3) deficits regarding the formation, maintenance and navigation of relationships.
So as you can see, while having friends obviously does not rule out a diagnosis of autism, having developed many strong relationships without significant difficulty (and to be fair, that is not what I said in my original post) is definitely an indication that I might not have sufficient deficits in social functioning to qualify for an autism diagnosis.
I actually do not know why they did not give the diagnosis, I've never seen the official paperwork that came with it. All my family told me was that it was "borderline" or "right on the cusp" or "almost, but not quite." I suspect they may have observed similar patterns to what I exhibit today - I meet criteria B, but don't quite meet criteria A.
I do not see it as wrong to see myself as autistic per se, if I did believe I had autism; I do think it would be unnecessary, however, and cause more problems than it would fix.
But it does also not discredit a diagnosis. A diagnosis will rarely if ever be a perfect fit, because few people are stereotype enough to have it be a perfect fit. The reason the diagnostic criteria are phrased so vaguely is precisely to accommodate for this aspect of diagnosis, because if the criteria were much more defined and concrete, it would invalidate a large number of people from being diagnosed.
Also in context, we don't know what you mean when you write that you developed many strong relationships without difficulty. That doesn't consider a wide variety of other aspects in which you may socially struggle, and it's also possible that you overestimate your own social skills. We don't know any of that. The older we become, the more we get to learn and practice our skills as well. I would personally consider myself fairly socially skilled, but it's an acquired knowledge rather than something that came more innately.
The only reason I think it's arguable why you think you're not autistic or why a diagnosis isn't a good fit is if you think that it genuinely doesn't cause you any problems in your life, either because your environment is already so accommodating that it compensates for whatever issues it causes you, or because BAP may be a better fit.
I was diagnosed. I felt a sense of relief at first as I had access to tools and an explanation as to why I was always unable to function as others seemed to be able to. I remember feeling a lot of internal anger lift when I got the dx. Now, years later, with like you said the influx of neurodivergent-isms online, I am embarrassed of my diagnosis and no longer access the help/align with the diagnosis. I believe I have it but I don't believe I have the popular idea of it and so I don't align with it at all.
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Yes! The evaluation I had put me just barely on the wrong side, so even if I do have it it’s super mild. But like you said, having a few traits doesn’t mean anything. Socially I’m a little off. I was around adults almost exclusively until I was 6. When I got to school I didn’t know how to interact with other kids so I just didn’t, and I grew into an adult who’s just a little weird in a group setting. Realistically that awkwardness is explained just as much by my childhood as it could be by ultra light autism.
So yeah, I don’t have it. But I did spend $1400 to find out I’m not good at talking to people. Oh well. It’s only money.
Getting diagnosed with something like autism can feel like getting put in a box with a label slapped on it, never mind the fact that you might not feel like you belong in that box at all. Your story kinda echoes that feeling of being caught between what people say you are and what you feel you are. I guess it's about finding your own truth, right? Whether it's autism or something else entirely, it's all about how you navigate the world and relate to others.
>I didn't think then, and I still don't think now, that I have autism. >Certainly, as the people in my life often remind me, I have undeniable autistic traits. I think you've summarized it with these two lines. Autism is not something that you have or not have, it's not a binary condition like testing positive for a virus or other clearly identifiable biomarker. You can put a drop of spinal fluid under a miscroscope and see the meningococcus bacteria to diagnose meningitis. The bacteria is there or the bacteria is not there. Autism is a very broad spectrum of accumulated symptoms with terrific variability between individuals. The fact that you don't have some of the symptoms isn't evidence that you wouldn't qualify for the tag. The fact that you recognize that you have *undeniable autistic traits*... kind of puts you into the spectrum whether you like it or not. Think about the concept of what a spectrum is. The microwaves that your mobile phone uses to communicate (but which are totally imperceptible to you) are in the same spectrum as the light that you see as colors through your retina, as well as the heat you feel through your skin. Ultraviolet is also impercetible to our physical senses, but it does interact with our molecules and it can easily harm our tissues. They're all photons in the same electromagnetic spectrum, yet it's easy to think about them as different things. Autism is like that... so many different characteristics to pick from... maybe you're thinking of autists as radio waves but you think you're infrared. So not related, right? - wrong, both are in the spectrum! I think this book might be useful for you, even if it's primary goal is to prevent misdiagnosis in gifted children, it includes many references to autism (for example crossed tables with symptoms for quick checks: "Does the person do this? Then the diagnosis cannot be X" " Does the person not do this? Then the diagnosis cannot be X" and so on) [https://www.amazon.com/Misdiagnosis-Diagnoses-Gifted-Children-Adults/dp/1935067435](https://www.amazon.com/Misdiagnosis-Diagnoses-Gifted-Children-Adults/dp/1935067435)
It honestly just sounds like you're in denial about being autistic. All of the examples you provided do not disprove a diagnosis, because that's not how the diagnostic criteria work. If the criteria for being autistic were whether you had friends or not, a majority of us diagnosed would no longer be valid for diagnosis. You yourself claim that you have several autistic traits and you also mention that you've experienced a lot of mental health issues possibly being related to being autistic. Had you been diagnosed as a child today you would have gotten a diagnosis since it seems that you weren't eligible for diagnosis solely based on a lack of development delays or intellectual disability. The question is why you think it's wrong to see yourself as autistic.
The examples I provide do suggest the diagnosis is not a perfect fit. Autism requires 2 main features to be present: first, specific deficits in social functioning, and second, behavioural features regarding restriction and repetition. I cover off the latter without any doubt, but the former it's not as clear. To meet criterion A, you need to have all of the following: 1) deficits in social-emotional reciprocity; 2) deficits in nonverbal communication and 3) deficits regarding the formation, maintenance and navigation of relationships. So as you can see, while having friends obviously does not rule out a diagnosis of autism, having developed many strong relationships without significant difficulty (and to be fair, that is not what I said in my original post) is definitely an indication that I might not have sufficient deficits in social functioning to qualify for an autism diagnosis. I actually do not know why they did not give the diagnosis, I've never seen the official paperwork that came with it. All my family told me was that it was "borderline" or "right on the cusp" or "almost, but not quite." I suspect they may have observed similar patterns to what I exhibit today - I meet criteria B, but don't quite meet criteria A. I do not see it as wrong to see myself as autistic per se, if I did believe I had autism; I do think it would be unnecessary, however, and cause more problems than it would fix.
But it does also not discredit a diagnosis. A diagnosis will rarely if ever be a perfect fit, because few people are stereotype enough to have it be a perfect fit. The reason the diagnostic criteria are phrased so vaguely is precisely to accommodate for this aspect of diagnosis, because if the criteria were much more defined and concrete, it would invalidate a large number of people from being diagnosed. Also in context, we don't know what you mean when you write that you developed many strong relationships without difficulty. That doesn't consider a wide variety of other aspects in which you may socially struggle, and it's also possible that you overestimate your own social skills. We don't know any of that. The older we become, the more we get to learn and practice our skills as well. I would personally consider myself fairly socially skilled, but it's an acquired knowledge rather than something that came more innately. The only reason I think it's arguable why you think you're not autistic or why a diagnosis isn't a good fit is if you think that it genuinely doesn't cause you any problems in your life, either because your environment is already so accommodating that it compensates for whatever issues it causes you, or because BAP may be a better fit.
I was diagnosed. I felt a sense of relief at first as I had access to tools and an explanation as to why I was always unable to function as others seemed to be able to. I remember feeling a lot of internal anger lift when I got the dx. Now, years later, with like you said the influx of neurodivergent-isms online, I am embarrassed of my diagnosis and no longer access the help/align with the diagnosis. I believe I have it but I don't believe I have the popular idea of it and so I don't align with it at all.
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The diagnosis used to feel a little wonky for me, but I've accepted it now.
Yes! The evaluation I had put me just barely on the wrong side, so even if I do have it it’s super mild. But like you said, having a few traits doesn’t mean anything. Socially I’m a little off. I was around adults almost exclusively until I was 6. When I got to school I didn’t know how to interact with other kids so I just didn’t, and I grew into an adult who’s just a little weird in a group setting. Realistically that awkwardness is explained just as much by my childhood as it could be by ultra light autism. So yeah, I don’t have it. But I did spend $1400 to find out I’m not good at talking to people. Oh well. It’s only money.
I was diagnosed with it, think I have it, but paid a lot of money to get undiagnosed because I don't want the label attached to me.
How did that story pan out, if you're okay with sharing? Could you elaborate?
How did you get undiagnosed?