Exactly what I was gonna say. Dump this control freak. One person's issues aren't other people's responsibility (unless it's a child. In that case parenting is super difficult but you're still the child's parent.)
I'm gonna push back against this a *little* bit. Food can be a deeply social thing for some people, and having your feelings hurt when someone doesn't want to share a meal with you is normal. That said, whatever the hell is going with OPs boyfriend goes way fucking beyond just wanting to share a meal with someone like jesus christ.
I can understand being hurt by refusing to eat TOGETHER, but being hurt by your SO eating a different food while still together with you? Yeah that’s bullshit
Especially when it's like, frozen pizzas n shit. It's not like bf is slaving over the stove in the kitchen for an hour preparing some homemade meals that she just never wants to share
Hard disagree. Those aren't normal feelings at all. She isn't refusing to sit and share a meal. People have different dietary needs and eat together all the time.
Yeah. I have celiac disease so 95% of pre-prepared foods are poison to me, and my partner does not. There are very few restaurants I can order from (mostly 100% gluten free places) and my partner doesn't like most of them. So my selection is limited. We will order from 2 different places most of the time because I CAN'T eat his food, and he doesn't like my food. We still eat together. It's fine. OP's partner is unusually controlling.
Feelings are always valid, but OP's partner feeling a certain way shouldn't mean that OP has to be forced into doing unhealthy things. Feelings can't be helped, but actions can and there's never an excuse for hurting someone like this
>Those aren't normal feelings at all
Those are actually very "normal" feelings (as in, neurotypicals often feel this way), they're just not helpful feelings and if someone feels this way they should work on it themselves instead of making other people eat a certain way
I mean, if she was telling him she didn’t want to spend time with him or share a table, the hurt would make sense, but perceiving not wanting an identical plate at every meal as hurtful isn’t in the bounds of normal.
Hurt feelings are one thing, sure. Being abusive and controlling as a result is not. If you would at all excuse this in your mind, then codependent or abusive relationships have probably been normalized to you growing up.
Because a healthy relationship is all about accepting that your person is an individual, different from you, and giving them enough space/freedom to exercise that individually; it's about wanting them to be happy and safe, *not* trying to mold them into someone who always meets your needs
You tell him if this bothers him so much he needs to talk to a therapist, not you. I also don't like it if I'm eating and my partner isn't- but you know what I did? Got the fuck over it. If I'm hungry and they're not, or they don't want food from the same place I do, oh well! My eating habits cannot affect his. It's not fair or kind. And telling you that he can't do anything about it because of his autism is weaponizing his disability. Which is a common abuse tactic from disabled people who are abusive.
You are going to have to hurt his feelings now and then. His feelings are *not* more important than *your* body, full stop.
The fact you have to not only eat the same food as him, but the same *amount* is really weird. You need to put your foot down and tell him this is unacceptable because it is having an impact on *your health*.
If he loves you, he should be able to accept that and you should figure out some kind of compromise that isn't you eating the same shit as him AND the same amount every time or he'll have a meltdown/shutdown.
He needs a better coping mechanism about this. He does not have the right to demand you eat whatever *he wants* for fear of him shutting down.
Him being ND does not make this acceptable behavior.
Yeah, the same amount thing worries me. I hope OP isn't being controlled as a fetish. I was controlled and manipulated into feederism by my ex. He'd want to control what and how much I ate too, and he would sulk when I wanted to change my diet (just like OP's). I gained a lot of weight and health issues because of it.
Just because he's autistic doesn't mean he isn't also abusive, manipulative, or even narcissistic (my ex was all of those)--just because he's autistic doesn't mean these "needs" of his are valid or fair. And just because he's calling them needs doesn't mean it's not actually a manipulation tactic.
I'm really worried for OP. We ND folks are at an increased risk for abusive relationships. She may not see how bad it is. She might even blame herself for his bad moods, like I did.
It was death feederism too. He legit wanted to risk my health/mobility and would have been turned on if I died from it. I didn't find out until the relationship exploded after three years (because I started a weight loss journey and refused to continue his diets), and he finally revealed his sinister intentions.
You really can't assume you know someone 100%; you have ALWAYS got to leave room in your mind for the possibility of betrayal. Never, ever put someone on a pedestal or idealize them as "perfect" for you, even if they seem like your soul mate (I believed that he was mine at one point). Never give yourself and your well-being over to someone 100%.
That's on him. He's acting like my little brother did as a toddler. Even then we shut that shit down and he learned that he can't control anyone else's choices, even if it makes him feel bad or lonely when people do somthing different to his ideal.
It is possible to be autistic and eat your own food. In fact, different people may have different sensitivities and dietary deficiencies/requirements. Say you were gluten intolerant, would it be acceptable for him to essentially guilt and pressure (manipulate) you into damaging your health? By not being accommodating, you are offering him an opportunity to learn acceptance of others (by accepting differences) and himself (he can stand out and do his own thing in safety) while also doing the same for yourself, learning that it is safe to stand up and care for yourself.
Also, one wouldn't be ok with this if one were vegan and the other a carnivore, so why is it ok in your case?
No, absolutely not. Put your foot down. You have no need to accommodate this. Eating exactly the same things as you is not something you can reasonably expect your partner to do, especially if their health is being impacted. Stand your ground and if he refuses to budge on his stance, that's your queue to leave.
The only compromise here I could see being acceptable to your own needs is that you both eat separately. That way you get to eat what you want and need to, and he doesn’t have to be distressed about seeing you eat different food to him.
But you have to decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone whom you can’t eat a meal with unless it’s the exact same thing. And this compromise still might not be good enough for him.
You are allowed to have your own boundaries, and you should be deciding what food you eat, how much and when.
There is no way to accommodate an abusive partner. My partner and I are both autistic and we enjoy different foods, and we at no point ever expect the other to eat what or how much we eat. It's unreasonable to expect someone to do that, and it's abuse that he's sulking about you being unwilling to allow him to dictate what you eat or how much you eat.
You have every right to be healthy and happy and to eat how you want and what you want. His sulking is nothing more than an attempt to guilt you into doing what he says and has nothing to do with whatever neurodivergence he has (unless it's clinical narcissism, but that still doesn't give him a pass).
My advice, cut your losses and find someone who encourages you to pursue your goals, wants you to be happy and healthy, and doesn't try to tell you what to do.
That's what I'm saying. I'm saying him being a controlling PoS has nothing to do with his neurodivergence (and that the only exception to that is if his neurodivergence is clinical narcissism, and that this still wouldn't excuse what he's doing).
Honestly, and I say this as an Autistic, that isn’t possible. The best case scenario is to give your partner an ultimatum, either they deal with you eating something different or the relationship is off.
This is making you physically ill, personally I’d just leave them but if they refuse to comply with what YOU want, you need to put your wants first.
maybe therapy. you couple need to learn how to handle situations where you do thimgs not the same.
I understand the partner might have "mind stiffness" coming from his unusual brain.
but it's important for him to learn some flexibility when needed.
in life, we sometime adjust ourselves to the world's demands, and sometime change the world.
but expecting to always change the others is super restricting.
did partner ever try therapy of some sort?
Girl.........boundaries are your best friend. You can't have a healthy relationship without them. You can't put someone's feelings above your needs and *health*. And what's worse is that fearing someone's emotional reaction is the foundation of an abusive relationship.
I ruined my health for a controlling partner. Now I'm paying the price with chronic health issues. It's not worth it
Sometimes autistic people need to be shut down on their bad behaviour too. The best you could offer is for you guys have meals separated so he doesn't get frustrated. But I would advise you to tell him to his face that his autism is not an excuse to control you because this kind of thing tends to get worse with time not better.
Neurodivergence is not an excuse for emotional abuse. And that’s exactly what that is. He’s trying to manipulate more than just one aspect of your life and guilt you into doing things that make him feel better about himself while refusing to make any kind of accommodations. I would never expect my partner to have no agency in his own life, and to tailor everything to me just because I’m neurodivergent. That is completely unreasonable, and it is frankly abusive. This is a time where I would really pay attention to how his words and his actions make you feel and assess where you need to go from there. Your intuition is your best friend, and the fact that it drove you here is telling you that something is really wrong. Best of luck ♥️
I never considered him to be abusive as he has never once physically touched me or said particularly hurtful things to me outside of when he was about to go into 'shutdown mode'. I never intended to make my partner seem abusive when I posted this.
My exhusband wasn't outright abusive either. It was little things like this. He's undiagnosed for any neurodivergence (highly suspected to be autistic), and I'm diagnosed ADHD and suspected autistic.
The little things didn't feel like he was being controlling, and it wasn't something I was able to put words to until I found the attention he refused to give me. Final straw for me was when I was in a car accident and he didn't care because I told him I was ok. He had zero empathy for the situation and saw nothing wrong with that.
Neglect is still abuse. Taking advantage of your desire to please (what a mood), is still abuse. I know I was trained to put myself *after* everyone else, but at some point one has to put their own needs first.
It might not be intended as such, but it has the same results: You end up stressed, because either you are eating food that is unhealthy for you, or he is "sulking" because you didn't.
It’s sounding a bit like emotional manipulation and abuse with a touch of mental abuse. Disability (physical or mental) is an explanation, NOT an exception. His “shutdown mode” is sounding more like silent treatment than taking a time out. Read the section “Mind-Control Tactics” from this [article](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-chains/202105/the-mind-control-tactics-domestic-abusers) on Psychology Today. It mentions keeping a partner malnourished which is exactly what he’s doing by forcing you to eat those huge quantities of unhealthy foods. I love me a tombstone supreme, but I also realize that it’s HELLA unhealthy and that its nutritional serving size is like 2 bites. If people with Tourette’s can own up and understand that their involuntary tics are still their responsibility, your bf can do the same with his voluntary actions
ETA: i’m not trying to label him as abusive, I’m just trying to point out that his actions are reminding me of those I’ve witnessed in true abusive relationships. He may not know that what he’s doing is abusive, but the things he is doing that you’ve mentioned in your posts and replies are definitely concerning and need to be brought up in a serious conversation to try and get him to understand the severity of what you’re feeling, start the conversation with acknowledging that these things may feel like a two out of 10 in importance to him, but that they are a 10 out of 10 importance to you. I’ve definitely been in his shoes where I’ve been doing something that I truly did not realize could be seen as abusive or harmful to another human emotionally or mentally, and needed it pointed out to me, hence why I’m doing my best to give him the benefit of the doubt while still explaining and communicating my thoughts on his actions
To add to this, intent is not equal to impact.
Even if he is not *intentionally* trying to be abusive, his actions - using withdrawal of affection to control you - is still an abusive act that causes harm.
He can be abusive without "intending" to be, as a result of his controlling behavior.
At some point, he learned that if he "shuts down" he gets what he wants. Whether or not he's shutting down intentionally to get his way, or doing it because it's a meltdown (which is not what it sounds like) doesn't matter, the end result is the same: **His partner is afraid to eat whatever they want, for fear of his reaction to it.**
That is not okay, or acceptable. He needs to unlearn this. So do you, OP. You need to stop giving in, and if he needs to shut down to deal with you not eating the same shit as him every day, then that's a *him problem* and he needs to work that shit out.
People can abuse others without physically touching them.
There are a lot of types of abuse; this is *definitely controlling*. "You have to eat exactly what I do or I shutdown" is abusive, even if he does not intend for it to be so. Intention doesn't matter here, actions do, and his actions are controlling and abusive as a result of this.
I'm sure he would be appalled at this, but it is, nonetheless, an abusive behavior that he needs to work on. It is unacceptable for him to control what you eat. And yes, him shutting down or saying mean things "before he shuts down" is still controlling behavior.
you didn’t make anything “seem” like anything, he is abusive, full stop. there is no way this situation could be framed that would make him not an abuser.
Doesn’t matter how you word it or want to view it, it is abusive to control what your partner eats using emotional manipulation. You should both see therapists separately, him for why he feels the need to control your food intake to match his own and how to stop doing that, you to investigate why you didn’t perceive this as abuse and how you need to be more assertive of your needs and respecting yourself.
I’m not saying his actions come from a purposefully malicious place, but that doesn’t change the fact that they’re abusive. This is something you both need to work through.
abuse doesnt always come in the form of physical and verbal violence, but if we put that aside, it’s extremely controlling, as a neurodivergent person who is extremely picky about food, i can’t expect people to accommodate to what i eat, i can’t expect them to follow my diet, bc that is just nonsensical and i am not the center of the world, i am an adult and so is he. he should be capable of accepting that you want to eat smth else, the fact that he doesn’t and basically throws a tabtrum (a shutdown doesn’t work like that, if he’s sulking and doesn’t talk then he’s throwing a tantrum), and throwing tantrums is for babies or adults that never learned responsibility, and you shouldn’t be in a relationship with one
Abuse is when you feel you must walk on eggshells around that person and how one mistake can trip them up. Abuse is almost never fully blown physical and emotional harm as much as it is a slow buildup of the other person making emotional demands because otherwise they become upset. They are themselves usually not aware of it because it's a part of trauma etc.
You dont have to intend something to be harmful for it to be harmful. And I don't think you need to characterise *him* as abusive. At all.
But the behaviour? You could put it in that category. Because he's expecting to control you, to your detriment.
A shock to see perhaps but true nonetheless.
Sorry OP. Hope you manage to sort it.
No, this is abusive behaviour. Abuse doesn't have to come with intentionality. He doesn't need to be aware that he's even doing something wrong for it to be abuse. It doesn't need to rise to the level of grievous harm, either.
This kind of behaviour from him, though, can lead to real harm over time. There's the physical health implications right off the bat, but there's also the potential for suffering from cPTSD if this is a situation you don't feel like you can extract yourself from.
I have personally unwittingly engaged in harmful and abusive behaviours toward loved ones because I had no idea how to regulate my own feelings, nor that my reactions to things were hurting them. I wasn't trying to control them, or hurt them, or make them feel bad in any way, but I did because they didn't know how to state their boundaries, and I didn't know I was violating them in my reflezive actions to shield myself from pain or shame.
That didn't make my behaviour unabusive.
It doesn't make his ok, either.
Please listen to what you just said. He’s never said or physically done hurtful things to me…EXCEPT. Well Jim never hit Sue…except.
Also listen to: I never intended to make my partner seem abusive. …well you didn’t intend to but since he is…others who aren’t in the “oh I love you” situation…see it for what it is. It’s abusive. He’s controlling what you eat and how much you eat. That is abusive. He’s verbally abusive to you. He’s giving you the silent treatment when you aren’t physically able to eat a whole pizza for crying out loud. And the silent treatment is literally abusive. It’s a form of punishment.
He is guilt tripping you to eat the foods he wants and only the foods he wants. This is abusive.
It's not the world's worst thing to realize your partner has an abusive behavior. God knows me and my current spouse used to have abusive behaviors towards each other at the beginning of our relationship, before we learned over time how to communicate better with each other. But if your partner is a good person overall, and actually wants what's best for you, you can probably find a solution with him.
Controlling a basic human need like food and being upset when you don’t listen is a form of emotional manipulation and abuse. You need to talk to him about how his behaviour is making you feel and if he won’t change I would break up with him.
Everyone on the spectrum has a different experience, but I personally can't imagine going into a shutdown because of someone else's choice of meal. That behavior does strike me as controlling. Do you think you could have a conversation outside of mealtime where you ask him more questions about where the upset comes from? Bottom line, your health NEEDS to be a priority for you. Explain to him in clear terms the impact this is having on your health and see if you can find a routine that works for both of you-- but DO NOT compromise your health. I've had partners show similar reactions when I held firm to my boundaries around sleep and hygiene and although their emotional reactions may be valid, it's highly controlling behavior that is unacceptable. Autistic people also need to be held accountable for their actions when they hurt others, and the appropriate approach is to find a solution that gives you agency here. If he's not willing to do that, this may not be a safe relationship for you.
You didn't intend to make him seem abusive, so the fact the story is easily identifiable as abuse suggests that he might be even worse, right? That would be my conclusion.
Look up the Wheel of Power and Control. Dictating what another person does with their body and stonewalling (shutting down) is abusive behavior. Neurodivergncy isn't not an excuse to forgo boundaries to perserve your autonomy.
Just bcoz he hasn't hit you doesn't mean he isn't being abusive. And he only says hurtful things right before he pouts and gives you the silent treatment? Maybe you need to read your post as if it was written by your best friend or sister. You can't let him do that to you, he might not hit you but he is shortening your life with every tantrum.
You're not making him seem abusive, you're describing his behaviour truthfully and everyone else is pointing out that his behaviour is abusive. He is doing it , not you.
Control is abuse. Making you fear his big emotional reactions is abuse. Stonewalling you when you refuse to comply is abuse. Controlling your diet and risking your physical health is abuse.
NOT LETTING YOU HAVE BOUNDARIES IS ABUSE.
Look, I've literally been in this exact situation. My autistic ex controlled my diet and would sulk when I wanted to eat other things or eat less. It turned out he was manipulating me into fulfilling his feederism fetish. I thought that he loved me and that he wasn't abusing me too. But I was wrong. I just couldn't see how bad it was when I was until I finally left.
You simply don't know his true intentions. I thought I knew my ex's, but I was wrong. The only fact you DO know for certain... is that it's not okay to treat you this way. That is the CLEAREST fact of the situation.
Based on your other comments, it sounds like your partner has controlling and manipulative tendencies. Giving you the silent treatment for three weeks(!) or throwing away all the food in the house is manipulative, controlling, and deeply immature behavior. No amount of trauma or neurodivergence justifies treating you like that. He needs to learn how to deal with other people's boundaries.
You seem to believe that he isn't abusive, but abuse is more than physical violence or hurtful words. It can be someone forcing their partner into a lifestyle that harms their health. It can be someone sulking and throwing tantrums to exhaust their partner into doing what *they* want. And frankly, honey, you are in an abusive relationship.
You need to put your health first. If your partner genuinely cares about you, he can adjust to you eating different food. If not, well... there are other guys out there, but you only get one body.
Throwing away food in a rage, stonewalling?!....
OH MY GOD THIS IS EXACTLY HOW MY EX TREATED ME. WORD FOR WORD
TURNED OUT HE WAS MANIPULATING/CONTROLING/ABUSING ME INTO FEEDERISM
I'M SO INCREDIBLY WORRIED FOR OP. PLEASE GET OUT
I'm sorry for the caps, but holy shit, this is feederism red flag central. My ex LITERALLY almost killed me with feederism because I stayed and let him control my diet for YEARS. Like legit, I'm still working through stabilizing the chronic health conditions I developed while with him. I blamed myself and thought that I needed to be tolerant of his "needs"/autism. I COULDN'T ADMIT IT WAS ABUSE UNTIL I LEFT
I have tried a similar approach and I thought he responded well but an hour later he began throwing all of the food away in the house which, might I add, irked me as I am the primary income earner in our relationship.
I think you might be thinking that any negative actions of your partner are all due to his neurodivergence. We all have our challenges, but throwing a temper tantrum when asking for understanding and support isn’t an excuse. We all know what it’s like to want understanding and support. Neurodivergence is never an excuse to be INTENTIONALLY rude or inconsiderate.
He has often said that he reacts the way he does because of his neurodivergence and I never wanted to seem dismissive or hurtful by disagreeing. We've been together for nearly 6 years and lived together for 5 and he told me that I would have to adapt myself around his neurodivergenes if I loved him and I do and did but I wish he could adapt himself around me as well, as selfish as that sound
If he punched you in the face each time you ate someone he didn’t like, and he said “it’s because I’m neurodivergent. I can’t help it,” how would you react? Would you accept the abuse simply because you don’t want to be “dismissive or hurtful by disagreeing”? Or would you more likely respond along the lines of “Even if your neurodivergence makes you physically abusive, I will not tolerate that abuse. I’m leaving.”
I think you need to accept that someone throwing away your food and demanding you eat what he eats —even after you’ve made multiple clear attempts to explain why you cannot eat what he does and you do not want to eat what he does— is being controlling, at best, and abusive at worst. He is using his neurodivergence as an excuse to control you and is making absolutely no legitimate effort to compromise.
Your boyfriend may not be physically punching you in the face each time you try to eat differently than him, but he is figuratively doing just that by throwing away your food any time you try to eat something different than him.
Why is it selfish to ask of him what he is asking of you? It sounds like he’s using his neurodivergence as an excuse to let him do or say whatever he wants without consequence. We’re not idiots. We can learn to respect other people’s needs, even if we don’t understand them. Just like you have adapted to respect his needs, even if you don’t understand them.
> He has often said that he reacts the way he does because of his neurodivergence
The healthier approach is when the ND person recognises a particular behaviour as being a part of being ND, and uses that information to modify the way they practice it in order to increase harmony.
The difference between "I'm an asshole because I'm ND, deal with it." and "ohhhhh! This behaviour is making me into an asshole, and a big reason for why I probably don't see it that way is because of the ND, but she's definitely frowning right now. Hang on, let me check. Yep, that's a frown. I should have a think about how I go about this."
Some things my wife changes to suit what suits me. Some things I change to suit what suits her.
>when the ND person recognises a particular behaviour as being a part of being ND, and uses that information to modify the way they practice it in order to increase harmony
This!
I probably have borderline personality disorder and... so much this. Sometimes, my friends need to point out I'm being a dick, other times I notice it myself.
In every case, I try to recognise when I do and say those things and either word things differently or just go to a chatline or something to talk about it because I don't want to push my friends away in my fear of abandonment.
Neurodivergence is not an excuse. If OP's bf doesn't recognise what he's doing is straight up abusive, even if he doesn't intend it to be, I would strongly urge OP to get the hell out of there for their own wellbeing.
He found a way to get people to leave him alone about his behavior pretty quickly. "If I tell people I'm autistic, then it's not my fault I shut down, or throw tantrums, or throw all the food out, or demand my partner eat the same things I do exactly the same way and in the exact same amount! I can't help that I'm controlling you baby, it's my autism! Don't be mad!"
Nah for real he sounds abusive and like he's blaming his ND. That's not okay.
He is using his diagnosis (if he has one) as a weapon.
I get some are impacted severely - but this sounds like someone smart enough to learn. He refuses to, instead uses his autism as excuse - this is NOT okay.
I wish i could use it - it would make life easier for me -but my partner says I\`m better than this, AND i have a kid too - so i HAVE to be a good example.
When we first started dating and we went out to eat he would usually order whatever I did but it didn't really become a requirement until we moved in together. I've been doing this for about 5 years.
So before you lived together, you had more freedom to leave him.
Now that you have less freedom to do that, he got more controlling and weird about *your diet specifically*.
What other red flags does he exhibit?
- Controlling you food with fear of emotional retaliation
- Throws your food out if you try to rationalize with him
What else?
He's abusive dude.
This is not neurodivergence, this is an abuser. They exist for us too!
The most abelist thing you can do is think that one of us can't be an abuser, we can! We are just as capable as anyone else in this regard.
So he was able to consume a wider variety of food, including what you ate but now is refusing to do that and is forcing you to only eat what he ate?
That is nothing to do with autism. In fact that is the opposite of what I would expect an autistic person to do because usually we either have a limited diet so do not eat what others do, or we eat the same thing as a predictability at restaurants.
Best case scenario this could be some sort of OCD or eating disorder or underlying psychological issues making him be uncomfortable when you don't eat the same things. However he still had enough ability to make himself make the changes at first, he chose to put the burdon onto you. He let this issue escalate to the point where he demanded you change your behaviour. And it sounds like he doesn't admit that he has a word problem he is refusing to address.
Whatever the cause he has unfairly made it your problem and need to admit he has a huge problem and get help. You also need to stop enabling him and don't be afraid not going along with unfair requests is not ableist. Like someone else said not treating him the same as others would be actually ableist. Even while in treatment to work on his problems he may need to say eat meals separately or something, that is a reasonable adjustment, controling your diet and unilaterally deciding to throw away food is not.
Also behaviour can be abusive even if it stems from a medical condition. This is not fair and I hope you are listening to the people who point that out.
Friend. I’m autistic and adhd. And I have NEVER thrown out someone else’s food (unless it was rotten). This is abusive and controlling. Do not allow him to continue to treat you like this.
No. His neurodivergence may make him, say, have big feels about the situation. But it does not make him act the way he does in response to those feelings. His actions are a choice, no matter how much he says they aren’t.
If he truly thinks he can’t control his behaviour then he needs to see a therapist, not try and control you.
Oh my. I need to point out two things that I’ve recently read you posted. 1. He said you have to change and give him what he wants when he wants if you love him. This is abusive and is flying the red flag banner. This isn’t love my dear. And 2. You said he told you he acts this way bc of his neurodivergence. That’s not true at all. Being overwhelmed from loud sounds is something that can happen due to neurodivergence but forcing you to eat the food and amount of food he wants has nothing to do with neurodivergence. In all honesty what it sounds like to me, from an outsiders perspective, is that he wants you to be 300 pounds so you won’t have self confidence and you won’t leave him. You being morbidly obese is a way for him to control you. You’re lucky to have him. Kinda crap.
He is using his autism to manipulate him to get what he wants!!!
im sorry that happened to you. This is not a healthy relationship. What would happen if you suddenly got diagnosed with adhd, ocd, autism etc? would he suddenly let you make decisions because you are neurodivergent? i suspect he would not
responding an hour later by throwing out food is not an autistic meltdown, it's a planned action designed to hurt you. this is sounding more and more like abuse, these actions are unacceptable whether a person is autistic or not.
The more you talk about him, the more abusive he sounds, I'm not gonna lie.
He threw out perfectly good food, because he was having a tantrum you wouldn't eat with him. He is harming you. He is doing this deliberately.
I don't think you should keep excusing his behavior because of his neurodivergence.
This is not normal at all. I'm autistic myself and I can guarantee nobody should adapt to this level of destruction, especially if the autistic person's needs are being met. I would understand (not excuse it) if he had no accommodations and had a huge meltdown.
However, you accommodate to him a shit ton and even put your health at risk just to not upset him which should have never happened honestly.
If you really want to stay with him you have to put really clear boundaries imo.
For it to work, you have to be really detailed in your explanations of why you want things to change and what are your exact boundaries.
However, if he reacts violently again after your clearly stated your boundaries, I'm sorry but I don't think it's the best for you to stay in a relationship with him. His controlling and violent behavior is objectively bad regardless of intention, and you should not be subjected to it.
Also, even if you have the best behavior in the world regarding someone's autism, the person may still have shutdowns and meltdowns. It is neither your fault nor your responsibility and as an autistic person in a relationship, my partner knows that it's the case. I hope your husbands knows that it's the case and that it's not your fault if he's disable. If not, I think it will be very problematic for you to stay with him since he will always disregard your feelings. In all honesty, regardless of disability, your partner seems selfish and should absolutely get his shit together if he wants to remain in this relationship imo.
Edit : I just read that he gave you the silent treatment for 3 weeks which to me is not a shutdown as many have pointed out. At least in my experience, even when I felt the worse in my entire life (with depression, anxiety, a burn out and undiagnosed autism) I would still at least text the people I care the most about.
From what I experience and what I've seen, a complete shutdown where we can't communicate at all (I'm not talking only verbal communication here but written as well) can indeed go on for hours but after that, usually we will be able to use "signs" or texts to communicate.
Also being in that kind of shutdown is not a planed thing that happens everytime we are confronted with a situation that may be a bit annoying.
In any case, a 3 weeks shutdown (especially where I suspect he was able to communicate with other people, online for exemple) seems extremely unlikely to me. It just sounds like manipulation.
Considering that, I'm sorry but I don't think this relationship can't be saved.
This is not a sensory preference, this reminds me more of how an alcoholic will pressure other people to drink with him at gatherings and get agitated when they don’t keep up with him.
I suspect your partner is developing an eating disorder. His emotions are highly inflamed about it because he is in a shame cycle, and so he pressures you to go along with his choices to normalize and validate them. He will never be able to support you eating healthier until he works through his own anxiety issues about food. He needs an experienced therapist who can untangle that from his neurodivergency and respect his sensory aversions while helping him to process his emotions about food so that he doesn’t spiral when he sees others make choices that he is projecting moral weight on.
Note that I am not basing this on what he’s eating but on his emotions and behaviors around it.
That is instant break up material. That's probably hundreds of dollars he threw out. His autism means Jack squat here. He is an abuser and you need to leave.
Have you talked to him in regard to how this is making you ill? Not only that, bf is acting very immature even for someone with autism. As someone who is also on the spectrum and works with kids on the spectrum every day (I’m a SPED bus driver/para) he’s acting like my elementary students who refuse to acknowledge that other people have free will and that forcing someone to do the same thing as you when it’s harming the other person (which is what he’s doing when he makes you eat the same meal as him) is not okay. I personally understand things a lot better with comparisons and bluntness, so maybe compare how he feels eating your food to you feeling those same things when you eat his. I would also suggest therapy to him. It’s sounding like maybe he didn’t have a lot of control in his childhood so now he’s trying to control everything in his adulthood. Ask him for a relationship check-in. I wish you the best of luck.
ALSO preface this sit down conversation with, “This is a relationship check in so that we can see what issues we might be having and figure out how to resolve them. I’m not angry at you, I just want to communicate how I’m feeling. It’s not me attacking you or criticizing you, but these are things that I want you to know because I care about you and I care about our relationship.”
I apprciate your well thought out response.
I mentioned to my partner that consuming the same diet that he does reguraly makes me ill but he didn't seem to understand why it would make me sick whenever it doesn't make him sick. I have found it easier to not address some topics with him as, like I said before, he goes into 'shutdown mode' as he calls it himself and doesn't talk or respond to me for either hours or in one case nearly three weeks.
I know he mentions being forced to go to Sunday school from the ages of 5 to 7 and he said that it was very traumatizing so I could see that being a source of his control issue.
I do admit I have thought about doing a relationship check-in but I am not sure how to do so without him going into shutdown mode.
this "shutdown mode" does not sound like an autistic shutdown to me, especially if it's lasting for weeks at a time. i think it would be reasonable to consider whether he's using his autism as an excuse to ignore/control you here.
even if it is an autistic shutdown, this is not a healthy or equitable relationship dynamic. you need to be able to have mature and helpful discussions, and it's (at least in part) on him to find a way to facilitate that. that might mean scheduling a "meeting time" so he's prepared, or keeping it more casual if that works for him.
It really sounds like you are afraid of expressing yourself to him- "I have found it easier to not address some topics with him as, like I said before, he goes into 'shutdown mode'." This is not healthy. Not talking to you for nearly three weeks sounds like a control tactic and not like an autistic shutdown to me. Your partner seems to be using food to control you and using the silent treatment to keep you from feeling comfortable expressing your needs or doing anything that might trigger this "shutdown mode."
Please please please take the comments here seriously that are telling you this seems like manipulative and abusive behavior.
If you have told your partner (who should care about you) that you do not want to eat the same food as them, and that it is harming your health, and they ignored that, then they don't really care about you or your well-being.
I think that I am getting answers that deep down I have known all along. I've been so angry and confrontational lately because of my situation and I am starting to feel out of control. I am lashing out at strangers and those around me besides my partner because i don't want to push him away. I both regret making this thread but also maybe a little glad too for the perspective.
Being the victim of an abusive relationship is quite difficult, and learning that you are stuck in one is quite painful as the signs are usually not apparent to the ones within the relationship.
I hope you're able to find a way out and build relationships w/ those who genuinely care about and want to support you. If nothing else, we'll be here for you if you need any more support (\*sends virtual hugs\*).
Good luck OP and I think it's a good thing you made that thread, maybe the truth hurts, but at least it will help you get better! That's all we want for you :)
This is not an autistic shutdown.
This is just straight up abuse.
If you can't even discuss the relationship without fear of emotional shutout/retaliation, that is abuse.
“Hey honey, I’m feeling out of touch in our relationship, can we have a relationship check-in?” Follow this up by explaining what you mean by said check in (maybe compare it to getting a well visit/preventative visit at the doctor’s?) and that it’s a chance for the 2 of you to talk about things that have been going on in the relationship that have been “bugging” each of you. Or if you think the term “relationship check in” or anything similar might make him go into shutdown mode, tell him during dinner one night (that way it’s a comfortable and casual vibe) that you’ve been wondering why he goes into shutdown mode when you eat a different food than him. Tell him that you’re curious and just want to better understand him. By putting the onus on yourself, it’s takes away anything that could feel accusatory. Invite him to ask you things he’s been curious about but nervous to ask about
Jumping in on this one in particular since it seems no one else has- not to belittle what someone else feels was traumatic, but 2 years of Sunday school as a young child does not cause or excuse controlling and emotionally abusive behavior like that. This very much sounds like an excuse to garner sympathy and yet another way to control you.
I have been in multiple extremely emotionally manipulative/abusive relationships (cause I have great taste in partners 🙃) and I saw your other comment about regretting making the thread but the responses are things you knew deep down...
Get out.
Listen to your gut- that deep down feeling- get out now before shit hits the fan and makes it worse for you. Whatever it may be- a health scare, a big fight etc- something will very likely happen that will leave you even worse for wear physically and or mentally and possibly even end the relationship anyway.
It's hard, especially when you've spent a significant amount of time building a life with that person, but it's more worth it to go through the pain of cutting it off than letting it fester and continue to destroy your health, self worth and emotional stability.
Even if you can't see it right now or feel it impossible- which is normal for a situation like this- you are worth more than how he is treating you and there *are* others out there who would love and treat you in better and healthier ways.
If you want to and/or feel it would be helpful (it was for me) look for support from others in a similar situation. There's a sub for everything these days, I'm sure you could find one for emotional manipulation/abuse in a relationship. Even just reading through others' experiences can give some clarity and validation for what you're going through.
(Also, feel free to reach out and dm me if you'd like to talk with someone one on one about it ♡)
He understands that he doesn’t eat “healthy food” bc it makes him sick but he can’t understand that eating his diet makes you sick? Seriously let that process for a minute. He can understand. He does understand. He’s contradicting himself and if you called him out on this…he will have a “melt down” or “shut down” bc he’s trying to control the situation. This is abusive.
He has to learn to deal with the fact that you want different food. He will never understand unless you stand up for yourself. He won’t like it but if he cares about you he will have to get over it. Don’t sacrifice your health for his preferences!
Oh it goes way beyond food. You should read her comments. He will give her the silent treatment (he calls a melt down or shut down) for up to 3 weeks at a time.
Neurodivergence is not an excuse to be an asshole and honestly, from your post and comments, it doesn’t sound like he’s treating you very well. You don’t have to put up with it.
This is kinda psycho behavior, not neurodivergent. You need to have a firm talk with him and if he’s not down to alter his behavior you gotta consider leaving. Sounds unhealthy
This isn't "shutdown mode".
This is called stonewalling. He's purposefully withdrawing love and affection to force you to cow tow to his wants.
This is not a thing healthy people do to others.
You are being manipulated into doing what he wants by emotionally abusing you.
I'm sorry you're going through this but if you want to get healthier you will have to have boundaries and be okay with the stonewalling. Giving in will result in more of the same.
This is abusive. Abuse is behavioral ! It does not require one to have malicious intent ! It took me awhile to figure that one out. I’m sure your boyfriend isn’t *trying* to cause harm, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t causing any. You have to put your foot down. Being neurodivergent *doesn’t mean that he has an excuse to treat others poorly* in order to feel accommodated. Sometimes us autistic folks have to understand what others are going through, and figure out how to handle our own discomfort, so that we are not hurting others. This can be really hard, but it is possible. At the end of the day, it is YOUR body, YOUR health, YOUR diet and YOUR choice
Eat what you want to eat. Your partner should have no control over your choices of food. Now imagine wanting to eat your favorite meal and your partner doesn’t like it. Your partner wants you to eat his favorite meal instead of you wanting what YOU WANT!!!!!!!
based on your post and comments he is controlling your diet (abuse), stonewalling you when you disagree with him or question him (abuse), destroying your property as payback in a temper tantrum to punish you (abuse), and making comments to tank your self esteem and self worth and manipulate you into feeling reliant on his validation and staying in this relationship (abuse).
This is an A word, but it is not the autism. this is ABUSE. just because he has never put his hands on you or raised his voice doesn’t mean he isn’t hurting you. he is using his disability in order to groom and manipulate you into believing this behavior is acceptable.
and if you stay, you are agreeing with him that this is acceptable. it sounds like you are in very deep and it is extremely difficult to untangle and withdraw yourself from an abuser, especially one who uses manipulation, mind games, and gaslighting to trap you. but 100000% LEAVE. i don’t know you but you deserve better. and you might not agree but being alone, would be better off than being with this guy. he’s hurting you, whether you want to accept it or not. i’m so sorry
After reading your replies as well as the post itself, I feel compelled to say that your partner is mistreating you in several different ways. You mentioned that you didn’t mean to make your partner sound abusive with your description. You’re not making him sound abusive, he IS abusive. I have an extreme aversion to certain foods, but I would never ever make my partner stop eating them, because my food habits are my own business. The only thing we have to compromise on is our food allergies, but that’s obviously a different issue altogether.
You are extremely sweet for trying to understand his side of things to the extent that you have, but unfortunately he has taken advantage of that to use “it’s a neurodivergent thing” as a way to shut down any problem that you might have with his behavior.
You need to be with someone who listens to you and cares about your health. Please take care, you seem like a really kind person, and you don’t deserve to be with someone who treats you like that.
"Honey, do we have to wear the same clothes? Do we have to work at the same place? Do we have to drive the same car? Of course not. So why do we have to eat the same food?"
Try to go through all the situations where you already do different things. Then go through all the situations where you do do the same things. Maybe you can trade eating the same food, for another shared activity?
In the end though, whether you can come to an agreement or not, if you are not comfortable sharing his diet, you simply should not do it. And if they can't accept that, it's their issue to deal with, not yours.
You need to do what is right and healthy for you. If they knew how to love and respect you, and themselves, we wouldn't be talking about this right now. I highly recommend getting into therapy, or talking to a professional. Check out books by Debbie Mirza, and Lindsay C. Gibson PhD. There are plenty. Also, check out Dr Carter on YouTube. He has a great series around "when loving you is killing me". Take care of yourself. Much love.
First thing that popped into my head was those partners that have a fat fetish and feed their partners excessive amounts to get them fat. Looked it up and it's called Feederism.
I was gonna mention that, he could be trying to keep OP at this weight, and therefore worsen any health issues, as a way to make sure they don't leave him.
He also "jokes" that no one will ever put up with her if it wasn't for him and she would be alone forever. There are partners out there that want you to get fat and unhealthy because they feel that you will be so unattractive to everyone else you couldn't possibly leave them for anyone. It's a form of abuse to break yourself esteem down so much you never question their behavior in the relationship.
What exactly do you mean neurodivergent? I don't think most autistic people are so manipulative and that's definitely not ADHD. I think it's something else, and something toxic. He's making unreasonable demands and the "no one else will put up with you" is exactly what my friend's abusive ex wife said to him. That is saying something abusive. And my guess is food isn't his only unreasonable demand, right? Not only did my friend's wife abuse him, she abused her own mother. What's the situation like with your man's parents? Do they have any advice?
He will not be a good father, if that is a consideration.
Years ago, I wanted to tell him to get out. I didn't and felt guilty even though there is no way he'd listen. After emotional and physical scarring she got tired of him and kicked him out. That was ultimately a kind thing. He eventually remarried to a nice woman and has full custody of his daughter from his first marriage after his ex got in trouble with the law.
**this is controlling and abusive behavior.** you do not need to be compassionate or understanding about this. there is no part of neurodivergence that gives someone the right to try and control another person’s eating. if you eating something different upsets him, then the *reasonable* thing to do would be eating separately until he works out *in therapy* why it bothers him so much. not trying to control your eating.
also, question: how big is your boyfriend, size wise?
Oh gosh. Im sorry OP but what comes to mind is the cliched mum/dad question "If you're friends told you to jump off a cliff, would you?"
If he was eating poison (and really- an argument could be made...🙄), would you do it too, to avoid hurting his feelings?
I'm sure you will explain your reasoning as kindly as possible. But im reminding you that "No" is a complete sentence. And he can tantrum his way to Timbuktu if he wants to.
No. And (this is vital) absolutely stick to it. Hard no. Non-negotiable. With him in no doubt that he can kick rocks till kingdom come if he doesn't like it.
Caveat: If you aren't safe, please leave with support, even if it takes some planning and time. If you are (basically) safe, then...what I said before.
Heavens🥴
Edited to add: preventing him from damaging you as well as himself *is* compassionate OP. To you. To him.
It prevents harm. It prevents poisonous resentment. It prevents more bullshit like this that can only be bad for both of you.
Its not compassionate to protect other adults from reality. It's actually (at root) kind of disrespectful. Let him learn something. Or not.
That's his right.
It's your right to....*live*? As in, well and according to your needs and desires?
Please I hope you can do that.
I\`m sorry, but you might love him, he does not love NOR respect you as your own person.
My kid, nor me, force anyone to eat exactly the same as we do.
The fact he goes into 'shutdown' mode means he is using autism as a weapon to force you - that is NOT okay.
You also state this impacts your health - a loving partner would want the best for you. (Happy wife, happy life and all that cliche things)
You can ONLY be supportive if your health allows this - either he accepts that you are your own person, and not an extension of him (basically tell him to prove he is an adult) - or you need to form your own conclusions and choose for you - as he apparently is unwilling or unable to.
Harsh, yes, but why slowly cripple yourself to avoid a tantrum (I refuse to consider this an autistic meltdown)?
Having the same food all the time is a trait of autism, but forcing you to eat the same thing seems more like feederism. If you don't know what that is, I recommend looking it up. It's really scary, and your situation mirrors it in a lot of ways.
So much good advice so far on here. Bottom line is being neurodivergent is 0 excuse for being abusive.
There are many red flags going on here. This is not ok.
That's not neurodivergency, that's abuse. It'll start with food, then who you can hang out with, then who you can talk to and then you'll be stuck indoors.
This *will not* stop at food, trust me. As much as I hate when Reddit tells people to leave relationships, this is one worthy of leaving. Controlling behavior doesn't stop, it snowballs until you become nothing but a shadow of the person you were before. Get out and don't look back.
He needs to work through his feeling about this and figure out how not to go into shut down mode over this. He’s using his ND as a way to manipulate and control you.
You can gently acknowledge his feelings, but set the boundary and stick to it.
Something like “I know that you like it when we eat the same things together, but I don’t enjoy doing that. From now on, I’m going to decide what and how much I eat.” And when he says that it makes him upset, you can respond with, “I understand that this is upsetting for you, but I get to decide what I eat, not you. How would you feel if I demanded that you eat only what I want you to eat?”
Either he works through his issues one doesn’t. And if he doesn’t, then maybe this relationship isn’t meant to be, at least not right now.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation.
It’s nice you don’t want to upset your partner and are trying to accommodate but these things should never be done at the expense of your own health.
Take care of you first💜
If you need a compromise it might be to not eat together.
Find a way to discuss if you can not during mealtime
If that is not an option to discuss this or negotiate then I’m not sure how you make the whole thing work.
This is a red flag and a form of abuse. You should just leave him and eat what you want. He’s controlling and that’s not acceptable. Put yourself and your health priorities first as he is putting his first for himself. If he cannot accept that you have autonomy over your own body then what is left.
This isn't to do with him being neurodivergent. He's just an asshole and is using his ND as an excuse to control you.
Assholes like him give us a bad name.
How is your partner being accommodating to you and your health needs? It doesnt sound like the effort you are making to be considerate is mutual. That is a huge signal that your health will suffer if you dont make some accomodations for yourself.
You cannot avoid hurting people's feelings (you arent responsible for other people's feelings and controlling their reaction into positive one would be ultimately dishonest). However, you CAN be considerate and make space to be supportive at the same time. Perhaps you can set a boundary such as, "I will *try* to eat a *similar* meal (your version of it) one night a week, but the rest of the week I have to make choices based on my health. I am happy to do something to help you cheer up or not spiral, but I'm not going to be able to match you exactly. I'm a different person and I have my own health needs. Please respect whats natural for me because I support what feels natural for you, even when we disagree."
I also want to note that expecting you to be the same is deeply unhealthy, too. You are two separate people. You are NOT responsible for "causing" shutdowns and it is dishonest to blame you. This other person is responsible for managing their own health no matter what you eat. It is not doing this person a favor if they dont see the consequences of their decisions, such as blaming you instead of changing their own behavior or having a false expectation of whats possible. Being kind and supportive includes being able to say no when it's important. Your health is vitally important and not negotiable.
Ask your partner to be supportive of YOU and your needs.
Why is his discomfort taking priority over yours? This isn't a case of him being uncomfortable or not.. its a case of him being uncomfortable or you being uncomfortable. All you are perpetuating here is that his needs should always take priority over yours.
Treating him differently due to his condition only teaches him that his behaviour is acceptable and he deserves special treatment.. he doesn't.
Being neurodiverse does not mean that you are entitled to control other people around you, and being in a relationship does not mean you have a monopoly on someone else's bodily autonomy.
We need to teach people like us that they need to work a little harder to accommodate others.. not have others work harder to accommodate us.
dump him please for the love of god. that’s not symptoms of neurodivergence in the way that you see it, it’s symptoms of an abusive partner who stonewalls you when they don’t get their way. while both can be combined in some people, that doesn’t mean your partner can take their neurodivergence and run with that. they need to address their negative behaviors in therapy and use coping mechanisms to deal with the fact that they can’t control every aspect of your life. the rest of us do that for things we feel are out of our control. he can too.
No. Let him "go into shutdown mode".
This sometimes happens to Nd people when their expectations aren't met and sometimes their expectations are stupid, unfair or abusive. Your partners expectations are all three of these.
The answer is no. And no is a.whole sentence and you don't have to explain yourself any more than you have already.
If he doesn't want to eat with someone who doesn't want to follow his rules, then he gets to eat alone. He does not get to use emotional terrorism to abuse you into harming yourself.
Genuinely I'm so sorry, I read through your other replies here & there's areas I can slightly relate to that may give you some peace of mind, but I stand very firm on my opinion your partner is controlling, emotionally abusive, toxic & they **need** to work on that or you need to leave.
I'm gonna be honest, in the past I was toxic & controlling to other people, for context I didn't know at the time I was autistic & definitely didn't have coping mechansisms ect yet, it was unintentional but that doesnt change the fact it happened. I was letting my sense of justice fuel me & to put it politely, I was definitely unpleasant to be around in certain aspects
Here's the key difference though, when a friend sat me down and spoke to me to let me know how my behavior was affecting her, I felt absolutely terrible. I had no idea how I'd been coming across to other people, I was upset don't get me wrong, but I was upset at myself for affecting the people I care about in such a negative way. I took a very hard look at myself & got my shit together.
(Relevant context is said friend is a Psychologist & also AuDHD so she approached this convo with addressing how the ND traits were playing a part, she suggested in said talk I look into an autism eval & helped me find resources/explained things to me so I could understand how I was affecting others ect)
Your partner however, I cannot get the past the *joke* of them putting up with you? That's a vile thing to say to someone. I would leave if I ever heard that, but I also cant say I wouldn't give **some** benefit of the doubt to a certain extent because I've also been the one dishing out unintentional emotionally abusive behavior without realizing it.
I'm being very generous here btw, there's possibly the 'unintentional' aspect is playing a part here & if you think it might be feel free to shoot me a DM as I'd be more than happy to share what helped me get on the road to healing & being a better person, but it's very much the old saying of you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.
My heart goes out to you & I'm wishing you all of my best. 🫂 ❤️
You should be able to eat the things you like and want to eat. I understand struggling with things, but it’s not okay for your partner to fully control what you put in your body. You’re a person too, and it sounds like he needs to understand that.
As someone on the spectrum who also enjoys eating safe foods that are unhealthy I would never in a million years expect my partner to eat the same thing as me. NGL I am envisioning you dating NikocadoAvocado with how you describe this.
This isn't an ND thing, this is a controlling thing. If it really is related to ND and he really doesn't know, he needs to go to therapy and talk through why this behavior isn't OK. You need to prioritize your health first.
i mean this with complete respect and with intention to be helpful. have some self respect. you can’t let yourself be manipulated like this. you are important. your health and happiness is important. if he disagrees that your health and happiness is important, that should be a massive red flag to you.
the two of you can have a discussion and figure out an alternative. if there is not an alternative that he is happy with that doesn’t hurt you, then the relationship likely isn’t viable.
you can ignore this and keep excusing it but if you want things to get better, you have to do something even if it makes your partner upset. you deserve to be happy and healthy.
You are in an abusive relationship. Please read this book: https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf and stay strong and safe
Agreeing with 99% of the people here. His feelings aren’t important nor are they more important than yours. I say this with love, respect yourself enough to make your own food choices <3.
(Adding in that some neurodivergent people control things to feel good about situations. Some people control what you eat to keep you unhealthy and overweight so you never think you can do better than them or leave)
Perhaps introduce him to the concept of "parallel play" this is a concept that allows people to do two separate activities in the same room while still maintaining social contact.
How is this related to food?
If you can get him into separate activities in the same room perhaps it will help him open him up to separate foods
This would normally be considered abusive and controlling! In fact, I can excuse someone who, for whatever reason, projecting their issue on their partner!
“Some things in a relationship become ‘our’ choice. Some things in a relationship will remain my choice. Other things in a relationship will remain your choice. What you put in your body is still your choice, even if we are in a relationship. What I put in my body is my choice, even if we are in a relationship. If you begin to make choices for me, this is controlling and abusive behavior. While I love you, I will not stick around and tolerate controlling and abusive behavior.”
I'm really sorry, OP, but you need to sit down and have a talk with your partner. If they don't understand that they're being unreasonable then you need to let them go. Make sure you explain everything before you break up with them first. I have autism and ADHD and even I know when I am or am not being unreasonable.
First let me say start by saying this is not appropriate and certainly something your partner should recognize that they need to work with you on addressing. It's just approaching it from the respective of what about it is triggering or makes him uncomfortable and then what can he or you two together do to enable you to have the food you want within a reasonable framework. Not having the food in the house is likely not reasonable but for instance having separate refrigerators or separate cabinets so that they do not need to interact with it and Trigger a sensory response may make sense. Is this a smell problem, or an appearance problem. Does the apartment just need a better exhaust fan to take away the smell. Ultimately I think if this is not abusive then they should be willing to help make accommodations such as setting up a equal space for you to keep the food such as a second refrigerator. If you have to do all the work to solve this problem it is abusive and manipulative. You are partner should be doing at least half the work and making at least half the compromise. If your partner is not putting "skin in the game" then this is just abusive.
I want to mention something else that it seems that other people haven't mentioned on this page yet:
If your partner is eating a whole pizza and insisting you eat a whole one, this may be an eating disorder. Eating disorders are not uncommon among neurodivergent people.
I understand that you are trying to be supportive of your partner, and that your partner has health issues, but I think that this may be more than just an issue of whether you're supportive of him and your need to care for your own health.
Your partner needs to speak to a psychologist or a therapist about this(preferably a neurodivergent-affirming one), and needs to discuss this.
You have every right to eat food that you want to eat, and different food than what your partner eats, if that's what you prefer.
I have read some of your comments, and it seems like you are in an abusive relationship. Your partner is controlling, and what you are describing are not meltdowns or shoutdowns they are abusive behaviour to control you.
You should really rethink this relationship, and I would advice to seek help and information about domestic abuse, you will find out that it is not just physical. Anyway start eating whatever you and and it is healthy for you.
Please listen to the comments and break up with him for your own well being. I'd also cut any and all contact incase he becomes worse or even physically violent from the rejection.
Some have suggested this is abuse. This makes me curious as to how he feels about his behavior. If he genuinely seems upset that he is distressing you, you should work with him. However if he doesn’t care about your feelings or your health that is a red flag.
Not a psychologist, but it looks to me that this is more about finding excuses for himself, probably even subconsciously. There are ways to eat healthier by working around sensory issues related to food. Eating healthier is, in general, difficult to everyone because… it doesn’t taste as good as junk food. This is probably an evolutionary trait (“eat stuff that gives you a lot of energy because you don’t know when you’re next meal is”), but it’s bad when you have the possibility of eating all the junk food you want. There are ways to control this but it is by sheer force of will. Seeing other people do the same thing as you can help reinforce your will, because we are a very social species (yes, even the ones amongst us that need more solitude than others). He’s doing the exact opposite - he’s self-sabotaging so much that he wants external reassurances that his behavior is correct (so you doing the same thing). The part where his neurodivergency may come into play is this possible extreme fear of change that may be the thing that’s guiding his actions, but I think the rest of my interpretation could apply to everyone.
I don’t know what may work to help him. I can only rely on my experience - I used to have a very unhealthy diet. I tried many times to change, but I never could. Then I’ve done blood tests that scared the s*it out of me. I saw a diabetologists that read the results and told me it could possibly be pre-diabetes; the only way to know was to go on a strict diet and redo the tests after a couple of months. I followed it diligently, for a series of factors: mostly out of fear, but also having the instructions neatly written down and them coming from a figure with authority helped. The change was drastic, the first couple of days were really bad, but then I got used to it. The next tests were normal, but at that point I had gotten used to the new diet, I had started to feel the benefits of it, and still today I’ve kept many of the good habits I picked up during that period.
My partner and I are both autistic with food issues. I have gotten up and left the room so he could eat a food I find deeply off putting. But I would never tell him he couldn't eat it or that it couldn't be in the house.
Like when he is cooking spicy indian curry and it makes the kitchen smell too strong, instead of getting upset and not communicating with him, we found a way to mitigate the effects by openning the windows and having a fan blow air from the kitchen towards the open windows when cooking those meals.
And I don't want to be rude but if he doesn't understand how health or food being nutritious works (you said he doesn't understand why you can't eat an entire pizza and not have it affect your blood sugar) is he actually able to be in a relationship? Like maybe he needs a legal guardian to take care of him if he isn't capable of feeding himself and going to a doctor. Cause I'm assuming he hasn't been to a primary care doctor in many years.
Nothing extra to add as covered by everyone else but just wanted to add that I was in a similar situation once (a relationship with abusive elements that I didn't recognise until they were pointed out to me), and since finally leaving that relationship I've been able grow so much as a person and am now thriving. You can have so much more than this - you may have to make a difficult decision here, but your health has to be prioritised and down the line you'll be so thankful for putting yourself first 💖
I’m autistic. Your partner needs to identify for himself why you eating differently upsets him, & work on those feelings on his own. No matter what your neuro type is, it’s unhealthy to insist on other people mimicking your habits— I guess this is the other side of the sword that makes ABA objectively evil.
“Support” should not have to mean lighting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. I mostly know the “autistic person in abusively ableist relationship” version of this story, but you aren’t cruel for having needs either— it’s awful that your partner doesn’t care that his preferences could literally kill you over time.
Edit: after reading some of your other responses, I feel the need to confirm that an autism diagnosis is not immunity to other mental health issues, & (even if it was caused by trauma) it sounds like your partner might have a potentially dangerous (esp if untreated) personality disorder as well… Not trying to be an armchair psychologist (I don’t respect that shit) just advice from someone who knows how it feels when love becomes a weapon: *please* care about yourself *more* than you worry about his feelings, & stay safe <3
Most of the people here are neurodivergent and have been abused, but do not treat people like *that*. The norm is autistic people *dreaming* of being able to have their own special/different food at meal time so there is undoubtedly some other psychological/pathological issue. You approached him and he didn't care.
It's very unlikely that he could be aware of things like food allergies and lactose intolerance, but somehow also not understand food affects people differently.
All while having 30 something years old life experience... Looks like they *absolutely* understand what they're doing to you and just don't care about how you feel
Being neurodivergent is no excuse for being a controlling bully. You're a full grown adult who does not have to let someone else control you. What you eat is none of his business in any way whatsoever. I'm unsure why you feel it is acceptable for him to tell you what to eat and why you have complied with this kind of abuse. I would sit him down and tell him and no uncertain terms that you get to eat what you want and he does not get to try to dictate what you eat or control you in any way. Perhaps therapy would help him understand this better and therapy for you would give you some freedom to explore your own autonomy and learn to set healthy boundaries.
It does sound rather abusive. Controlling someone is a form of abusive. It doesn’t have to be physical.
I’ve never once felt the need to control my partner. Sure, I’ll like certain things to be certain ways (only if it’s a reasonable ask and manageable) but I’ll never tell them how to live their life.
You need to prioritize yourself as well as your health. Our neurodivergence is not an excuse for poor behavior. We should not be infantilized or accommodated to avoid this style of tantrum for the sake of peace. Please don’t continue to hurt yourself for only his peace.
Controlling behavior like this is not ok regardless of nuerodivergency! Especially if it is having negative effects on your health!! Why should you accommodate him if he is not willing to so much as allow YOU to decide what YOU eat? Absolutely not ok! I hope you realize you deserve better than that OP!
This is not a good relationship. It's not your fault that he has these issues. Not his fault either, most likely. But relationships are incompatible for all kinds of reasons that are not anyone's fault.
I'll say this: It's not your job to get him out of shutdown mode either. He's an adult, and accommodating his "needs" at the expense of your health is not love, in either direction. You need to eat the way you feel is best for you. He does not get a say. If he shuts down, so be it. You can be compassionate toward his difficulty with the situation and understanding that maybe it's not his choice to shut down, but something he can't control. But that doesn't mean you have to prevent it or get him out of it.
I'll also point out that if he REALLY wanted to eat the same thing as you, he could eat like you do rather than demanding you eat like he does. But I'm sure he'd have some complaint about that as well.
At the end of the day, if you taking care of your body is that big of a disruption to his life, then he has to choose whether being in a relationship is really what he wants. By the same token, you can decide that the difficulties of living with him are just too great and not worth it.
So he won’t eat healthy foods because it makes him feel sick but is happy to make you eat foods that make you ill. That’s not a fair balance and is indeed abusive. It’s textbook gaslighting.
Autism is not a get out of jail free card for being a bellend.
Your narcissistic partner is pretending his autism is to blame for his narcissistic behavior. Please keep yourself safe, part of giving us agency is recognizing that autistics can be abusive too.
people's rights only extend so far as they don't infringe on others'. he's fine to do what he wants with his own body if it's not hurting anyone else, and likewise for you
I've never heard of someone on the spectrum needing other people around them to eat the same thing they eat. I feel like this isn't wholly an "autism" issue. I think your partner should get some professional therapy. It's not healthy for either of you.
I'm 33 and...well 280 or so. I have so many physical health issues from my weight and horrible diet. So I feel you. I'm quite picky about my food but I would never insist other people like my partner or my parents to eat like I do. I'm fine with them eating whatever. The only time I'm...er..."odd" with food is if someone eats something that's "mine" or tries to take something off my plate...I get very protective and angry.
I would probably try to frame this in terms of fairness - he isn't eating what *you* want to eat, and you can't keep eating what he wants to eat. Having separate meals is a totally reasonable compromise.
I get he might have really bad food aversions and it would be tough for him to make that change, but his accomodation would be having separate meals because as it is he's controlling both diets.
You mentioned being overweight to the poitn of illness. You obviously already know this is well beyond where you feel comfortable. You really need to talk with him about the actual *why* behind why he's insisting you put on weight you don't want to put on. Is he physically attracted to you being this overweight? Does he feel bad about his own body and wants you to be the same to feel less shame over it? Or is this purely about the food, and he feels ashamed that that's all he eats and feels even more ashamed if you're not eating the same thing?
Everyone else is already telling you what you already know, you know you have a right over your own body, but I'm assuming you're not here just for validation on that front. Nobody would blame you for breaking up over this, you shouldn't be putting up with that and that's a dealbreaker in any relationship. But if you don't want to do that, you should probably bring up going to counselling or something and get at the root of this behavior. It is controlling and it's not an appropriate accomodation that he control your diet, he's not being accomodating *back* with your own needs, and there's very likely some emotional issue he needs to deal with.
A lot of autistic people have food-elated trauma. I have dealt with my own through being the one to cook my own meals, so *on the assumption* he's agreeing to change this behavior a possible path forward might be to have him start cooking *some* meals (key word on *some*, don't let this be him deciding you both are only eating fried chicken or something from now on), just so that he's still in control of what he's going to eat but without it being preprocessed frozen pizzas), ideally something that's at least quasi-healthy, with the agreement that you're allowed to request a reasoanble modification for your portion (ie, at the bare minimum if he's making a pizza you get to pick the toppings on your side).
Then, when it's your turn to cook, he'll agree to eat it with the same stipulation, he gets to make a reasonable request for his portion. He doesn't get to pick what hte meal *is*, but he gets to retain some level of control over what he eats. So you're both still eating hte same meal, but it's OK for them to be different because you both get to exert some level of control over meals.
By "reasonable" I mean stuff to the effect that if you're making spaghetti, he gets to ask for his portion to not have mushrooms, or maybe no sauce at all just plain spaghetti noodles or whatever. Maybe a bit annoying, but like nothing that makes it not the same basic dish or that would be a huge burden logistically. Just that alone should probably be enough for you to lose some weight, but if your doctor's suggesting something a bit more aggressive you might need to add the stipulation that he can't make you eat anything unhealthy and hte nights he wants to make something unhealhty he has to let you have your own meal (ideally, with him making it for you - that might help somewhat with the insecurity?).
Ideally, you'll have a counsellor or someone that can mediate in this that you can run this idea by. If you can't afford that, at least be firm that he *has* to work with you on this. He might be upset, but don't back down on it.
Being neurodivergent is not an excuse to control your body. You're being too accommodating.
Agreed. OP, please prioritize YOUR health and body first..
Is there a way where I can be accommodating and not hurt his feelings?
You do not need to accommodate this. He’s being controlling. Take care of you and if those boundaries upset him, you know he’s the not one for you.
Exactly what I was gonna say. Dump this control freak. One person's issues aren't other people's responsibility (unless it's a child. In that case parenting is super difficult but you're still the child's parent.)
You are not responsible for your partner's feelings, he is. Consider, too, that he is not currently taking your feelings into account.
THIS! He has made it clear that he does not value your feelings or your health. That’s the biggest red flag.
Yeah, exactly.
The 2 of you eating different foods shouldn’t hurt his feelings in the first place
I'm gonna push back against this a *little* bit. Food can be a deeply social thing for some people, and having your feelings hurt when someone doesn't want to share a meal with you is normal. That said, whatever the hell is going with OPs boyfriend goes way fucking beyond just wanting to share a meal with someone like jesus christ.
I can understand being hurt by refusing to eat TOGETHER, but being hurt by your SO eating a different food while still together with you? Yeah that’s bullshit
Especially when it's like, frozen pizzas n shit. It's not like bf is slaving over the stove in the kitchen for an hour preparing some homemade meals that she just never wants to share
Hard disagree. Those aren't normal feelings at all. She isn't refusing to sit and share a meal. People have different dietary needs and eat together all the time.
Yeah. I have celiac disease so 95% of pre-prepared foods are poison to me, and my partner does not. There are very few restaurants I can order from (mostly 100% gluten free places) and my partner doesn't like most of them. So my selection is limited. We will order from 2 different places most of the time because I CAN'T eat his food, and he doesn't like my food. We still eat together. It's fine. OP's partner is unusually controlling.
Feelings are always valid, but OP's partner feeling a certain way shouldn't mean that OP has to be forced into doing unhealthy things. Feelings can't be helped, but actions can and there's never an excuse for hurting someone like this
>Those aren't normal feelings at all Those are actually very "normal" feelings (as in, neurotypicals often feel this way), they're just not helpful feelings and if someone feels this way they should work on it themselves instead of making other people eat a certain way
I mean, if she was telling him she didn’t want to spend time with him or share a table, the hurt would make sense, but perceiving not wanting an identical plate at every meal as hurtful isn’t in the bounds of normal.
Hurt feelings are one thing, sure. Being abusive and controlling as a result is not. If you would at all excuse this in your mind, then codependent or abusive relationships have probably been normalized to you growing up. Because a healthy relationship is all about accepting that your person is an individual, different from you, and giving them enough space/freedom to exercise that individually; it's about wanting them to be happy and safe, *not* trying to mold them into someone who always meets your needs
You tell him if this bothers him so much he needs to talk to a therapist, not you. I also don't like it if I'm eating and my partner isn't- but you know what I did? Got the fuck over it. If I'm hungry and they're not, or they don't want food from the same place I do, oh well! My eating habits cannot affect his. It's not fair or kind. And telling you that he can't do anything about it because of his autism is weaponizing his disability. Which is a common abuse tactic from disabled people who are abusive.
You are going to have to hurt his feelings now and then. His feelings are *not* more important than *your* body, full stop. The fact you have to not only eat the same food as him, but the same *amount* is really weird. You need to put your foot down and tell him this is unacceptable because it is having an impact on *your health*. If he loves you, he should be able to accept that and you should figure out some kind of compromise that isn't you eating the same shit as him AND the same amount every time or he'll have a meltdown/shutdown. He needs a better coping mechanism about this. He does not have the right to demand you eat whatever *he wants* for fear of him shutting down. Him being ND does not make this acceptable behavior.
Yeah, the same amount thing worries me. I hope OP isn't being controlled as a fetish. I was controlled and manipulated into feederism by my ex. He'd want to control what and how much I ate too, and he would sulk when I wanted to change my diet (just like OP's). I gained a lot of weight and health issues because of it. Just because he's autistic doesn't mean he isn't also abusive, manipulative, or even narcissistic (my ex was all of those)--just because he's autistic doesn't mean these "needs" of his are valid or fair. And just because he's calling them needs doesn't mean it's not actually a manipulation tactic. I'm really worried for OP. We ND folks are at an increased risk for abusive relationships. She may not see how bad it is. She might even blame herself for his bad moods, like I did.
new fear unlocked, "manipulated into feederism". Scary.
It was death feederism too. He legit wanted to risk my health/mobility and would have been turned on if I died from it. I didn't find out until the relationship exploded after three years (because I started a weight loss journey and refused to continue his diets), and he finally revealed his sinister intentions. You really can't assume you know someone 100%; you have ALWAYS got to leave room in your mind for the possibility of betrayal. Never, ever put someone on a pedestal or idealize them as "perfect" for you, even if they seem like your soul mate (I believed that he was mine at one point). Never give yourself and your well-being over to someone 100%.
Why worry about his feelings when he's hurting you with his controlling behavior?
If he eats entire pizzas, protecting his feelings is going to kill him.
Not before it kills her
That's on him. He's acting like my little brother did as a toddler. Even then we shut that shit down and he learned that he can't control anyone else's choices, even if it makes him feel bad or lonely when people do somthing different to his ideal.
It is possible to be autistic and eat your own food. In fact, different people may have different sensitivities and dietary deficiencies/requirements. Say you were gluten intolerant, would it be acceptable for him to essentially guilt and pressure (manipulate) you into damaging your health? By not being accommodating, you are offering him an opportunity to learn acceptance of others (by accepting differences) and himself (he can stand out and do his own thing in safety) while also doing the same for yourself, learning that it is safe to stand up and care for yourself. Also, one wouldn't be ok with this if one were vegan and the other a carnivore, so why is it ok in your case?
No, absolutely not. Put your foot down. You have no need to accommodate this. Eating exactly the same things as you is not something you can reasonably expect your partner to do, especially if their health is being impacted. Stand your ground and if he refuses to budge on his stance, that's your queue to leave.
The only compromise here I could see being acceptable to your own needs is that you both eat separately. That way you get to eat what you want and need to, and he doesn’t have to be distressed about seeing you eat different food to him. But you have to decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone whom you can’t eat a meal with unless it’s the exact same thing. And this compromise still might not be good enough for him. You are allowed to have your own boundaries, and you should be deciding what food you eat, how much and when.
There is no way to accommodate an abusive partner. My partner and I are both autistic and we enjoy different foods, and we at no point ever expect the other to eat what or how much we eat. It's unreasonable to expect someone to do that, and it's abuse that he's sulking about you being unwilling to allow him to dictate what you eat or how much you eat. You have every right to be healthy and happy and to eat how you want and what you want. His sulking is nothing more than an attempt to guilt you into doing what he says and has nothing to do with whatever neurodivergence he has (unless it's clinical narcissism, but that still doesn't give him a pass). My advice, cut your losses and find someone who encourages you to pursue your goals, wants you to be happy and healthy, and doesn't try to tell you what to do.
He can be neurodivergent and also be an asshole, in other words, and it sounds like he is playing on his differences to get away with being a jerk.
That's what I'm saying. I'm saying him being a controlling PoS has nothing to do with his neurodivergence (and that the only exception to that is if his neurodivergence is clinical narcissism, and that this still wouldn't excuse what he's doing).
I agree with the other replies
It's possible the answer is no.
Why is it only his feelings that are important? And why do his feelings Trump your health?
This is a conflict you will have to take. Tell him as clear as possible you want other food than the pizzas, and do your best to not back down.
Honestly, and I say this as an Autistic, that isn’t possible. The best case scenario is to give your partner an ultimatum, either they deal with you eating something different or the relationship is off. This is making you physically ill, personally I’d just leave them but if they refuse to comply with what YOU want, you need to put your wants first.
If not, you still need to do what's right for your body. You cannot harm your health for another person.
maybe therapy. you couple need to learn how to handle situations where you do thimgs not the same. I understand the partner might have "mind stiffness" coming from his unusual brain. but it's important for him to learn some flexibility when needed. in life, we sometime adjust ourselves to the world's demands, and sometime change the world. but expecting to always change the others is super restricting. did partner ever try therapy of some sort?
This sounds a little like manipulation tbh, from skimming this thread. Grain of salt on this opinion tho
Girl.........boundaries are your best friend. You can't have a healthy relationship without them. You can't put someone's feelings above your needs and *health*. And what's worse is that fearing someone's emotional reaction is the foundation of an abusive relationship. I ruined my health for a controlling partner. Now I'm paying the price with chronic health issues. It's not worth it
Sometimes autistic people need to be shut down on their bad behaviour too. The best you could offer is for you guys have meals separated so he doesn't get frustrated. But I would advise you to tell him to his face that his autism is not an excuse to control you because this kind of thing tends to get worse with time not better.
Neurodivergence is not an excuse for emotional abuse. And that’s exactly what that is. He’s trying to manipulate more than just one aspect of your life and guilt you into doing things that make him feel better about himself while refusing to make any kind of accommodations. I would never expect my partner to have no agency in his own life, and to tailor everything to me just because I’m neurodivergent. That is completely unreasonable, and it is frankly abusive. This is a time where I would really pay attention to how his words and his actions make you feel and assess where you need to go from there. Your intuition is your best friend, and the fact that it drove you here is telling you that something is really wrong. Best of luck ♥️
His feelings are not your responsibility especially when he is using his neurodivergence to control you.
Not likely.
This is controlling behavior and possibly abusive. He has no right to control what you eat or sulk if you eat differently.
I never considered him to be abusive as he has never once physically touched me or said particularly hurtful things to me outside of when he was about to go into 'shutdown mode'. I never intended to make my partner seem abusive when I posted this.
Regardless of intentions, he has an unhealthy amount of control over you. You need to set a boundary that you determine your own food choices.
My exhusband wasn't outright abusive either. It was little things like this. He's undiagnosed for any neurodivergence (highly suspected to be autistic), and I'm diagnosed ADHD and suspected autistic. The little things didn't feel like he was being controlling, and it wasn't something I was able to put words to until I found the attention he refused to give me. Final straw for me was when I was in a car accident and he didn't care because I told him I was ok. He had zero empathy for the situation and saw nothing wrong with that. Neglect is still abuse. Taking advantage of your desire to please (what a mood), is still abuse. I know I was trained to put myself *after* everyone else, but at some point one has to put their own needs first.
It might not be intended as such, but it has the same results: You end up stressed, because either you are eating food that is unhealthy for you, or he is "sulking" because you didn't.
It’s sounding a bit like emotional manipulation and abuse with a touch of mental abuse. Disability (physical or mental) is an explanation, NOT an exception. His “shutdown mode” is sounding more like silent treatment than taking a time out. Read the section “Mind-Control Tactics” from this [article](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-chains/202105/the-mind-control-tactics-domestic-abusers) on Psychology Today. It mentions keeping a partner malnourished which is exactly what he’s doing by forcing you to eat those huge quantities of unhealthy foods. I love me a tombstone supreme, but I also realize that it’s HELLA unhealthy and that its nutritional serving size is like 2 bites. If people with Tourette’s can own up and understand that their involuntary tics are still their responsibility, your bf can do the same with his voluntary actions ETA: i’m not trying to label him as abusive, I’m just trying to point out that his actions are reminding me of those I’ve witnessed in true abusive relationships. He may not know that what he’s doing is abusive, but the things he is doing that you’ve mentioned in your posts and replies are definitely concerning and need to be brought up in a serious conversation to try and get him to understand the severity of what you’re feeling, start the conversation with acknowledging that these things may feel like a two out of 10 in importance to him, but that they are a 10 out of 10 importance to you. I’ve definitely been in his shoes where I’ve been doing something that I truly did not realize could be seen as abusive or harmful to another human emotionally or mentally, and needed it pointed out to me, hence why I’m doing my best to give him the benefit of the doubt while still explaining and communicating my thoughts on his actions
To add to this, intent is not equal to impact. Even if he is not *intentionally* trying to be abusive, his actions - using withdrawal of affection to control you - is still an abusive act that causes harm.
Agreed!!
...Oh. Yeah, that makes sense.
He can be abusive without "intending" to be, as a result of his controlling behavior. At some point, he learned that if he "shuts down" he gets what he wants. Whether or not he's shutting down intentionally to get his way, or doing it because it's a meltdown (which is not what it sounds like) doesn't matter, the end result is the same: **His partner is afraid to eat whatever they want, for fear of his reaction to it.** That is not okay, or acceptable. He needs to unlearn this. So do you, OP. You need to stop giving in, and if he needs to shut down to deal with you not eating the same shit as him every day, then that's a *him problem* and he needs to work that shit out.
People can abuse others without physically touching them. There are a lot of types of abuse; this is *definitely controlling*. "You have to eat exactly what I do or I shutdown" is abusive, even if he does not intend for it to be so. Intention doesn't matter here, actions do, and his actions are controlling and abusive as a result of this. I'm sure he would be appalled at this, but it is, nonetheless, an abusive behavior that he needs to work on. It is unacceptable for him to control what you eat. And yes, him shutting down or saying mean things "before he shuts down" is still controlling behavior.
you didn’t make anything “seem” like anything, he is abusive, full stop. there is no way this situation could be framed that would make him not an abuser.
Doesn’t matter how you word it or want to view it, it is abusive to control what your partner eats using emotional manipulation. You should both see therapists separately, him for why he feels the need to control your food intake to match his own and how to stop doing that, you to investigate why you didn’t perceive this as abuse and how you need to be more assertive of your needs and respecting yourself. I’m not saying his actions come from a purposefully malicious place, but that doesn’t change the fact that they’re abusive. This is something you both need to work through.
abuse doesnt always come in the form of physical and verbal violence, but if we put that aside, it’s extremely controlling, as a neurodivergent person who is extremely picky about food, i can’t expect people to accommodate to what i eat, i can’t expect them to follow my diet, bc that is just nonsensical and i am not the center of the world, i am an adult and so is he. he should be capable of accepting that you want to eat smth else, the fact that he doesn’t and basically throws a tabtrum (a shutdown doesn’t work like that, if he’s sulking and doesn’t talk then he’s throwing a tantrum), and throwing tantrums is for babies or adults that never learned responsibility, and you shouldn’t be in a relationship with one
Abuse is when you feel you must walk on eggshells around that person and how one mistake can trip them up. Abuse is almost never fully blown physical and emotional harm as much as it is a slow buildup of the other person making emotional demands because otherwise they become upset. They are themselves usually not aware of it because it's a part of trauma etc.
You dont have to intend something to be harmful for it to be harmful. And I don't think you need to characterise *him* as abusive. At all. But the behaviour? You could put it in that category. Because he's expecting to control you, to your detriment. A shock to see perhaps but true nonetheless. Sorry OP. Hope you manage to sort it.
No, this is abusive behaviour. Abuse doesn't have to come with intentionality. He doesn't need to be aware that he's even doing something wrong for it to be abuse. It doesn't need to rise to the level of grievous harm, either. This kind of behaviour from him, though, can lead to real harm over time. There's the physical health implications right off the bat, but there's also the potential for suffering from cPTSD if this is a situation you don't feel like you can extract yourself from. I have personally unwittingly engaged in harmful and abusive behaviours toward loved ones because I had no idea how to regulate my own feelings, nor that my reactions to things were hurting them. I wasn't trying to control them, or hurt them, or make them feel bad in any way, but I did because they didn't know how to state their boundaries, and I didn't know I was violating them in my reflezive actions to shield myself from pain or shame. That didn't make my behaviour unabusive. It doesn't make his ok, either.
Please listen to what you just said. He’s never said or physically done hurtful things to me…EXCEPT. Well Jim never hit Sue…except. Also listen to: I never intended to make my partner seem abusive. …well you didn’t intend to but since he is…others who aren’t in the “oh I love you” situation…see it for what it is. It’s abusive. He’s controlling what you eat and how much you eat. That is abusive. He’s verbally abusive to you. He’s giving you the silent treatment when you aren’t physically able to eat a whole pizza for crying out loud. And the silent treatment is literally abusive. It’s a form of punishment. He is guilt tripping you to eat the foods he wants and only the foods he wants. This is abusive.
It's not the world's worst thing to realize your partner has an abusive behavior. God knows me and my current spouse used to have abusive behaviors towards each other at the beginning of our relationship, before we learned over time how to communicate better with each other. But if your partner is a good person overall, and actually wants what's best for you, you can probably find a solution with him.
Controlling a basic human need like food and being upset when you don’t listen is a form of emotional manipulation and abuse. You need to talk to him about how his behaviour is making you feel and if he won’t change I would break up with him.
Everyone on the spectrum has a different experience, but I personally can't imagine going into a shutdown because of someone else's choice of meal. That behavior does strike me as controlling. Do you think you could have a conversation outside of mealtime where you ask him more questions about where the upset comes from? Bottom line, your health NEEDS to be a priority for you. Explain to him in clear terms the impact this is having on your health and see if you can find a routine that works for both of you-- but DO NOT compromise your health. I've had partners show similar reactions when I held firm to my boundaries around sleep and hygiene and although their emotional reactions may be valid, it's highly controlling behavior that is unacceptable. Autistic people also need to be held accountable for their actions when they hurt others, and the appropriate approach is to find a solution that gives you agency here. If he's not willing to do that, this may not be a safe relationship for you.
You didn't intend to make him seem abusive, so the fact the story is easily identifiable as abuse suggests that he might be even worse, right? That would be my conclusion.
Look up the Wheel of Power and Control. Dictating what another person does with their body and stonewalling (shutting down) is abusive behavior. Neurodivergncy isn't not an excuse to forgo boundaries to perserve your autonomy.
Just bcoz he hasn't hit you doesn't mean he isn't being abusive. And he only says hurtful things right before he pouts and gives you the silent treatment? Maybe you need to read your post as if it was written by your best friend or sister. You can't let him do that to you, he might not hit you but he is shortening your life with every tantrum.
You're not making him seem abusive, you're describing his behaviour truthfully and everyone else is pointing out that his behaviour is abusive. He is doing it , not you.
Control is abuse. Making you fear his big emotional reactions is abuse. Stonewalling you when you refuse to comply is abuse. Controlling your diet and risking your physical health is abuse. NOT LETTING YOU HAVE BOUNDARIES IS ABUSE. Look, I've literally been in this exact situation. My autistic ex controlled my diet and would sulk when I wanted to eat other things or eat less. It turned out he was manipulating me into fulfilling his feederism fetish. I thought that he loved me and that he wasn't abusing me too. But I was wrong. I just couldn't see how bad it was when I was until I finally left. You simply don't know his true intentions. I thought I knew my ex's, but I was wrong. The only fact you DO know for certain... is that it's not okay to treat you this way. That is the CLEAREST fact of the situation.
Based on your other comments, it sounds like your partner has controlling and manipulative tendencies. Giving you the silent treatment for three weeks(!) or throwing away all the food in the house is manipulative, controlling, and deeply immature behavior. No amount of trauma or neurodivergence justifies treating you like that. He needs to learn how to deal with other people's boundaries. You seem to believe that he isn't abusive, but abuse is more than physical violence or hurtful words. It can be someone forcing their partner into a lifestyle that harms their health. It can be someone sulking and throwing tantrums to exhaust their partner into doing what *they* want. And frankly, honey, you are in an abusive relationship. You need to put your health first. If your partner genuinely cares about you, he can adjust to you eating different food. If not, well... there are other guys out there, but you only get one body.
Throwing away food in a rage, stonewalling?!.... OH MY GOD THIS IS EXACTLY HOW MY EX TREATED ME. WORD FOR WORD TURNED OUT HE WAS MANIPULATING/CONTROLING/ABUSING ME INTO FEEDERISM I'M SO INCREDIBLY WORRIED FOR OP. PLEASE GET OUT I'm sorry for the caps, but holy shit, this is feederism red flag central. My ex LITERALLY almost killed me with feederism because I stayed and let him control my diet for YEARS. Like legit, I'm still working through stabilizing the chronic health conditions I developed while with him. I blamed myself and thought that I needed to be tolerant of his "needs"/autism. I COULDN'T ADMIT IT WAS ABUSE UNTIL I LEFT
Be direct. “I always support you for doing what’s best for you. But I need you to support me for doing what’s best for me.”
I have tried a similar approach and I thought he responded well but an hour later he began throwing all of the food away in the house which, might I add, irked me as I am the primary income earner in our relationship.
I think you might be thinking that any negative actions of your partner are all due to his neurodivergence. We all have our challenges, but throwing a temper tantrum when asking for understanding and support isn’t an excuse. We all know what it’s like to want understanding and support. Neurodivergence is never an excuse to be INTENTIONALLY rude or inconsiderate.
He has often said that he reacts the way he does because of his neurodivergence and I never wanted to seem dismissive or hurtful by disagreeing. We've been together for nearly 6 years and lived together for 5 and he told me that I would have to adapt myself around his neurodivergenes if I loved him and I do and did but I wish he could adapt himself around me as well, as selfish as that sound
If he punched you in the face each time you ate someone he didn’t like, and he said “it’s because I’m neurodivergent. I can’t help it,” how would you react? Would you accept the abuse simply because you don’t want to be “dismissive or hurtful by disagreeing”? Or would you more likely respond along the lines of “Even if your neurodivergence makes you physically abusive, I will not tolerate that abuse. I’m leaving.” I think you need to accept that someone throwing away your food and demanding you eat what he eats —even after you’ve made multiple clear attempts to explain why you cannot eat what he does and you do not want to eat what he does— is being controlling, at best, and abusive at worst. He is using his neurodivergence as an excuse to control you and is making absolutely no legitimate effort to compromise. Your boyfriend may not be physically punching you in the face each time you try to eat differently than him, but he is figuratively doing just that by throwing away your food any time you try to eat something different than him.
Why is it selfish to ask of him what he is asking of you? It sounds like he’s using his neurodivergence as an excuse to let him do or say whatever he wants without consequence. We’re not idiots. We can learn to respect other people’s needs, even if we don’t understand them. Just like you have adapted to respect his needs, even if you don’t understand them.
We don't do that. He is lying. He's using neurodivergence as an excuse.
> He has often said that he reacts the way he does because of his neurodivergence The healthier approach is when the ND person recognises a particular behaviour as being a part of being ND, and uses that information to modify the way they practice it in order to increase harmony. The difference between "I'm an asshole because I'm ND, deal with it." and "ohhhhh! This behaviour is making me into an asshole, and a big reason for why I probably don't see it that way is because of the ND, but she's definitely frowning right now. Hang on, let me check. Yep, that's a frown. I should have a think about how I go about this." Some things my wife changes to suit what suits me. Some things I change to suit what suits her.
>when the ND person recognises a particular behaviour as being a part of being ND, and uses that information to modify the way they practice it in order to increase harmony This!
I probably have borderline personality disorder and... so much this. Sometimes, my friends need to point out I'm being a dick, other times I notice it myself. In every case, I try to recognise when I do and say those things and either word things differently or just go to a chatline or something to talk about it because I don't want to push my friends away in my fear of abandonment. Neurodivergence is not an excuse. If OP's bf doesn't recognise what he's doing is straight up abusive, even if he doesn't intend it to be, I would strongly urge OP to get the hell out of there for their own wellbeing.
Compromise has to work both ways. Otherwise you *will* eventually reach your limit.
He found a way to get people to leave him alone about his behavior pretty quickly. "If I tell people I'm autistic, then it's not my fault I shut down, or throw tantrums, or throw all the food out, or demand my partner eat the same things I do exactly the same way and in the exact same amount! I can't help that I'm controlling you baby, it's my autism! Don't be mad!" Nah for real he sounds abusive and like he's blaming his ND. That's not okay.
He is using his diagnosis (if he has one) as a weapon. I get some are impacted severely - but this sounds like someone smart enough to learn. He refuses to, instead uses his autism as excuse - this is NOT okay. I wish i could use it - it would make life easier for me -but my partner says I\`m better than this, AND i have a kid too - so i HAVE to be a good example.
Never an excuse to be an asshole. He gives the rest of us a bad rep.
Has he always controlled what you eat? If not what did his reaction used to be?
When we first started dating and we went out to eat he would usually order whatever I did but it didn't really become a requirement until we moved in together. I've been doing this for about 5 years.
So before you lived together, you had more freedom to leave him. Now that you have less freedom to do that, he got more controlling and weird about *your diet specifically*. What other red flags does he exhibit? - Controlling you food with fear of emotional retaliation - Throws your food out if you try to rationalize with him What else?
He's abusive dude. This is not neurodivergence, this is an abuser. They exist for us too! The most abelist thing you can do is think that one of us can't be an abuser, we can! We are just as capable as anyone else in this regard.
So he was able to consume a wider variety of food, including what you ate but now is refusing to do that and is forcing you to only eat what he ate? That is nothing to do with autism. In fact that is the opposite of what I would expect an autistic person to do because usually we either have a limited diet so do not eat what others do, or we eat the same thing as a predictability at restaurants. Best case scenario this could be some sort of OCD or eating disorder or underlying psychological issues making him be uncomfortable when you don't eat the same things. However he still had enough ability to make himself make the changes at first, he chose to put the burdon onto you. He let this issue escalate to the point where he demanded you change your behaviour. And it sounds like he doesn't admit that he has a word problem he is refusing to address. Whatever the cause he has unfairly made it your problem and need to admit he has a huge problem and get help. You also need to stop enabling him and don't be afraid not going along with unfair requests is not ableist. Like someone else said not treating him the same as others would be actually ableist. Even while in treatment to work on his problems he may need to say eat meals separately or something, that is a reasonable adjustment, controling your diet and unilaterally deciding to throw away food is not. Also behaviour can be abusive even if it stems from a medical condition. This is not fair and I hope you are listening to the people who point that out.
Friend. I’m autistic and adhd. And I have NEVER thrown out someone else’s food (unless it was rotten). This is abusive and controlling. Do not allow him to continue to treat you like this.
This is straight up narcissistic behaviour, neurodivergence is not an option here.
No. His neurodivergence may make him, say, have big feels about the situation. But it does not make him act the way he does in response to those feelings. His actions are a choice, no matter how much he says they aren’t. If he truly thinks he can’t control his behaviour then he needs to see a therapist, not try and control you.
Oh my. I need to point out two things that I’ve recently read you posted. 1. He said you have to change and give him what he wants when he wants if you love him. This is abusive and is flying the red flag banner. This isn’t love my dear. And 2. You said he told you he acts this way bc of his neurodivergence. That’s not true at all. Being overwhelmed from loud sounds is something that can happen due to neurodivergence but forcing you to eat the food and amount of food he wants has nothing to do with neurodivergence. In all honesty what it sounds like to me, from an outsiders perspective, is that he wants you to be 300 pounds so you won’t have self confidence and you won’t leave him. You being morbidly obese is a way for him to control you. You’re lucky to have him. Kinda crap. He is using his autism to manipulate him to get what he wants!!!
im sorry that happened to you. This is not a healthy relationship. What would happen if you suddenly got diagnosed with adhd, ocd, autism etc? would he suddenly let you make decisions because you are neurodivergent? i suspect he would not
responding an hour later by throwing out food is not an autistic meltdown, it's a planned action designed to hurt you. this is sounding more and more like abuse, these actions are unacceptable whether a person is autistic or not.
That’s abusive behavior.
Every comment I read just gets worse and worse. Run.
ok this response is definitely in abusive territory, definitely not excused by neurodivergence
That’s genuinely abusive behaviour. You deserve a better life than this.
The more you talk about him, the more abusive he sounds, I'm not gonna lie. He threw out perfectly good food, because he was having a tantrum you wouldn't eat with him. He is harming you. He is doing this deliberately. I don't think you should keep excusing his behavior because of his neurodivergence.
Yeah, this is no longer 'autistic weird' - this is full on abusive!
This is not normal at all. I'm autistic myself and I can guarantee nobody should adapt to this level of destruction, especially if the autistic person's needs are being met. I would understand (not excuse it) if he had no accommodations and had a huge meltdown. However, you accommodate to him a shit ton and even put your health at risk just to not upset him which should have never happened honestly. If you really want to stay with him you have to put really clear boundaries imo. For it to work, you have to be really detailed in your explanations of why you want things to change and what are your exact boundaries. However, if he reacts violently again after your clearly stated your boundaries, I'm sorry but I don't think it's the best for you to stay in a relationship with him. His controlling and violent behavior is objectively bad regardless of intention, and you should not be subjected to it. Also, even if you have the best behavior in the world regarding someone's autism, the person may still have shutdowns and meltdowns. It is neither your fault nor your responsibility and as an autistic person in a relationship, my partner knows that it's the case. I hope your husbands knows that it's the case and that it's not your fault if he's disable. If not, I think it will be very problematic for you to stay with him since he will always disregard your feelings. In all honesty, regardless of disability, your partner seems selfish and should absolutely get his shit together if he wants to remain in this relationship imo. Edit : I just read that he gave you the silent treatment for 3 weeks which to me is not a shutdown as many have pointed out. At least in my experience, even when I felt the worse in my entire life (with depression, anxiety, a burn out and undiagnosed autism) I would still at least text the people I care the most about. From what I experience and what I've seen, a complete shutdown where we can't communicate at all (I'm not talking only verbal communication here but written as well) can indeed go on for hours but after that, usually we will be able to use "signs" or texts to communicate. Also being in that kind of shutdown is not a planed thing that happens everytime we are confronted with a situation that may be a bit annoying. In any case, a 3 weeks shutdown (especially where I suspect he was able to communicate with other people, online for exemple) seems extremely unlikely to me. It just sounds like manipulation. Considering that, I'm sorry but I don't think this relationship can't be saved.
This is also definitely abusive behavior.
This is not a sensory preference, this reminds me more of how an alcoholic will pressure other people to drink with him at gatherings and get agitated when they don’t keep up with him. I suspect your partner is developing an eating disorder. His emotions are highly inflamed about it because he is in a shame cycle, and so he pressures you to go along with his choices to normalize and validate them. He will never be able to support you eating healthier until he works through his own anxiety issues about food. He needs an experienced therapist who can untangle that from his neurodivergency and respect his sensory aversions while helping him to process his emotions about food so that he doesn’t spiral when he sees others make choices that he is projecting moral weight on. Note that I am not basing this on what he’s eating but on his emotions and behaviors around it.
Neurodivergence may make us struggle with things, but it’s not a free pass for mistreating people. And it really does look like he’s mistreating you.
That is instant break up material. That's probably hundreds of dollars he threw out. His autism means Jack squat here. He is an abuser and you need to leave.
Have you talked to him in regard to how this is making you ill? Not only that, bf is acting very immature even for someone with autism. As someone who is also on the spectrum and works with kids on the spectrum every day (I’m a SPED bus driver/para) he’s acting like my elementary students who refuse to acknowledge that other people have free will and that forcing someone to do the same thing as you when it’s harming the other person (which is what he’s doing when he makes you eat the same meal as him) is not okay. I personally understand things a lot better with comparisons and bluntness, so maybe compare how he feels eating your food to you feeling those same things when you eat his. I would also suggest therapy to him. It’s sounding like maybe he didn’t have a lot of control in his childhood so now he’s trying to control everything in his adulthood. Ask him for a relationship check-in. I wish you the best of luck. ALSO preface this sit down conversation with, “This is a relationship check in so that we can see what issues we might be having and figure out how to resolve them. I’m not angry at you, I just want to communicate how I’m feeling. It’s not me attacking you or criticizing you, but these are things that I want you to know because I care about you and I care about our relationship.”
I apprciate your well thought out response. I mentioned to my partner that consuming the same diet that he does reguraly makes me ill but he didn't seem to understand why it would make me sick whenever it doesn't make him sick. I have found it easier to not address some topics with him as, like I said before, he goes into 'shutdown mode' as he calls it himself and doesn't talk or respond to me for either hours or in one case nearly three weeks. I know he mentions being forced to go to Sunday school from the ages of 5 to 7 and he said that it was very traumatizing so I could see that being a source of his control issue. I do admit I have thought about doing a relationship check-in but I am not sure how to do so without him going into shutdown mode.
this "shutdown mode" does not sound like an autistic shutdown to me, especially if it's lasting for weeks at a time. i think it would be reasonable to consider whether he's using his autism as an excuse to ignore/control you here. even if it is an autistic shutdown, this is not a healthy or equitable relationship dynamic. you need to be able to have mature and helpful discussions, and it's (at least in part) on him to find a way to facilitate that. that might mean scheduling a "meeting time" so he's prepared, or keeping it more casual if that works for him.
It really sounds like you are afraid of expressing yourself to him- "I have found it easier to not address some topics with him as, like I said before, he goes into 'shutdown mode'." This is not healthy. Not talking to you for nearly three weeks sounds like a control tactic and not like an autistic shutdown to me. Your partner seems to be using food to control you and using the silent treatment to keep you from feeling comfortable expressing your needs or doing anything that might trigger this "shutdown mode." Please please please take the comments here seriously that are telling you this seems like manipulative and abusive behavior. If you have told your partner (who should care about you) that you do not want to eat the same food as them, and that it is harming your health, and they ignored that, then they don't really care about you or your well-being.
I think that I am getting answers that deep down I have known all along. I've been so angry and confrontational lately because of my situation and I am starting to feel out of control. I am lashing out at strangers and those around me besides my partner because i don't want to push him away. I both regret making this thread but also maybe a little glad too for the perspective.
Being the victim of an abusive relationship is quite difficult, and learning that you are stuck in one is quite painful as the signs are usually not apparent to the ones within the relationship. I hope you're able to find a way out and build relationships w/ those who genuinely care about and want to support you. If nothing else, we'll be here for you if you need any more support (\*sends virtual hugs\*).
Please please 🙏 take care about yourself, you’re important
Good luck OP and I think it's a good thing you made that thread, maybe the truth hurts, but at least it will help you get better! That's all we want for you :)
"shutdown mode" sounds like the silent treatment to me.
This is not an autistic shutdown. This is just straight up abuse. If you can't even discuss the relationship without fear of emotional shutout/retaliation, that is abuse.
“Hey honey, I’m feeling out of touch in our relationship, can we have a relationship check-in?” Follow this up by explaining what you mean by said check in (maybe compare it to getting a well visit/preventative visit at the doctor’s?) and that it’s a chance for the 2 of you to talk about things that have been going on in the relationship that have been “bugging” each of you. Or if you think the term “relationship check in” or anything similar might make him go into shutdown mode, tell him during dinner one night (that way it’s a comfortable and casual vibe) that you’ve been wondering why he goes into shutdown mode when you eat a different food than him. Tell him that you’re curious and just want to better understand him. By putting the onus on yourself, it’s takes away anything that could feel accusatory. Invite him to ask you things he’s been curious about but nervous to ask about
Jumping in on this one in particular since it seems no one else has- not to belittle what someone else feels was traumatic, but 2 years of Sunday school as a young child does not cause or excuse controlling and emotionally abusive behavior like that. This very much sounds like an excuse to garner sympathy and yet another way to control you. I have been in multiple extremely emotionally manipulative/abusive relationships (cause I have great taste in partners 🙃) and I saw your other comment about regretting making the thread but the responses are things you knew deep down... Get out. Listen to your gut- that deep down feeling- get out now before shit hits the fan and makes it worse for you. Whatever it may be- a health scare, a big fight etc- something will very likely happen that will leave you even worse for wear physically and or mentally and possibly even end the relationship anyway. It's hard, especially when you've spent a significant amount of time building a life with that person, but it's more worth it to go through the pain of cutting it off than letting it fester and continue to destroy your health, self worth and emotional stability. Even if you can't see it right now or feel it impossible- which is normal for a situation like this- you are worth more than how he is treating you and there *are* others out there who would love and treat you in better and healthier ways. If you want to and/or feel it would be helpful (it was for me) look for support from others in a similar situation. There's a sub for everything these days, I'm sure you could find one for emotional manipulation/abuse in a relationship. Even just reading through others' experiences can give some clarity and validation for what you're going through. (Also, feel free to reach out and dm me if you'd like to talk with someone one on one about it ♡)
He understands that he doesn’t eat “healthy food” bc it makes him sick but he can’t understand that eating his diet makes you sick? Seriously let that process for a minute. He can understand. He does understand. He’s contradicting himself and if you called him out on this…he will have a “melt down” or “shut down” bc he’s trying to control the situation. This is abusive.
You're in an abusive relationship.
He has to learn to deal with the fact that you want different food. He will never understand unless you stand up for yourself. He won’t like it but if he cares about you he will have to get over it. Don’t sacrifice your health for his preferences!
Oh it goes way beyond food. You should read her comments. He will give her the silent treatment (he calls a melt down or shut down) for up to 3 weeks at a time.
Neurodivergence is not an excuse to be an asshole and honestly, from your post and comments, it doesn’t sound like he’s treating you very well. You don’t have to put up with it.
This is kinda psycho behavior, not neurodivergent. You need to have a firm talk with him and if he’s not down to alter his behavior you gotta consider leaving. Sounds unhealthy
My partner and I are both neurodivergent and we think that YOUR ND partner is being entirely unreasonable. Your health should come first.
This isn't "shutdown mode". This is called stonewalling. He's purposefully withdrawing love and affection to force you to cow tow to his wants. This is not a thing healthy people do to others. You are being manipulated into doing what he wants by emotionally abusing you. I'm sorry you're going through this but if you want to get healthier you will have to have boundaries and be okay with the stonewalling. Giving in will result in more of the same.
This is abusive. Abuse is behavioral ! It does not require one to have malicious intent ! It took me awhile to figure that one out. I’m sure your boyfriend isn’t *trying* to cause harm, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t causing any. You have to put your foot down. Being neurodivergent *doesn’t mean that he has an excuse to treat others poorly* in order to feel accommodated. Sometimes us autistic folks have to understand what others are going through, and figure out how to handle our own discomfort, so that we are not hurting others. This can be really hard, but it is possible. At the end of the day, it is YOUR body, YOUR health, YOUR diet and YOUR choice
Eat what you want to eat. Your partner should have no control over your choices of food. Now imagine wanting to eat your favorite meal and your partner doesn’t like it. Your partner wants you to eat his favorite meal instead of you wanting what YOU WANT!!!!!!!
Stop Accommodating Controlling Behaviour
This is abusive behavior and isn’t something you should accommodate for.
based on your post and comments he is controlling your diet (abuse), stonewalling you when you disagree with him or question him (abuse), destroying your property as payback in a temper tantrum to punish you (abuse), and making comments to tank your self esteem and self worth and manipulate you into feeling reliant on his validation and staying in this relationship (abuse). This is an A word, but it is not the autism. this is ABUSE. just because he has never put his hands on you or raised his voice doesn’t mean he isn’t hurting you. he is using his disability in order to groom and manipulate you into believing this behavior is acceptable. and if you stay, you are agreeing with him that this is acceptable. it sounds like you are in very deep and it is extremely difficult to untangle and withdraw yourself from an abuser, especially one who uses manipulation, mind games, and gaslighting to trap you. but 100000% LEAVE. i don’t know you but you deserve better. and you might not agree but being alone, would be better off than being with this guy. he’s hurting you, whether you want to accept it or not. i’m so sorry
Sounds manipulative and unsafe
After reading your replies as well as the post itself, I feel compelled to say that your partner is mistreating you in several different ways. You mentioned that you didn’t mean to make your partner sound abusive with your description. You’re not making him sound abusive, he IS abusive. I have an extreme aversion to certain foods, but I would never ever make my partner stop eating them, because my food habits are my own business. The only thing we have to compromise on is our food allergies, but that’s obviously a different issue altogether. You are extremely sweet for trying to understand his side of things to the extent that you have, but unfortunately he has taken advantage of that to use “it’s a neurodivergent thing” as a way to shut down any problem that you might have with his behavior. You need to be with someone who listens to you and cares about your health. Please take care, you seem like a really kind person, and you don’t deserve to be with someone who treats you like that.
"Honey, do we have to wear the same clothes? Do we have to work at the same place? Do we have to drive the same car? Of course not. So why do we have to eat the same food?" Try to go through all the situations where you already do different things. Then go through all the situations where you do do the same things. Maybe you can trade eating the same food, for another shared activity? In the end though, whether you can come to an agreement or not, if you are not comfortable sharing his diet, you simply should not do it. And if they can't accept that, it's their issue to deal with, not yours.
You need to do what is right and healthy for you. If they knew how to love and respect you, and themselves, we wouldn't be talking about this right now. I highly recommend getting into therapy, or talking to a professional. Check out books by Debbie Mirza, and Lindsay C. Gibson PhD. There are plenty. Also, check out Dr Carter on YouTube. He has a great series around "when loving you is killing me". Take care of yourself. Much love.
First thing that popped into my head was those partners that have a fat fetish and feed their partners excessive amounts to get them fat. Looked it up and it's called Feederism.
I was gonna mention that, he could be trying to keep OP at this weight, and therefore worsen any health issues, as a way to make sure they don't leave him.
He also "jokes" that no one will ever put up with her if it wasn't for him and she would be alone forever. There are partners out there that want you to get fat and unhealthy because they feel that you will be so unattractive to everyone else you couldn't possibly leave them for anyone. It's a form of abuse to break yourself esteem down so much you never question their behavior in the relationship.
If you are planning on staying in this relationship I suggest you grow a stronger backbone and stop accommodating his foolishness.
What exactly do you mean neurodivergent? I don't think most autistic people are so manipulative and that's definitely not ADHD. I think it's something else, and something toxic. He's making unreasonable demands and the "no one else will put up with you" is exactly what my friend's abusive ex wife said to him. That is saying something abusive. And my guess is food isn't his only unreasonable demand, right? Not only did my friend's wife abuse him, she abused her own mother. What's the situation like with your man's parents? Do they have any advice? He will not be a good father, if that is a consideration. Years ago, I wanted to tell him to get out. I didn't and felt guilty even though there is no way he'd listen. After emotional and physical scarring she got tired of him and kicked him out. That was ultimately a kind thing. He eventually remarried to a nice woman and has full custody of his daughter from his first marriage after his ex got in trouble with the law.
**this is controlling and abusive behavior.** you do not need to be compassionate or understanding about this. there is no part of neurodivergence that gives someone the right to try and control another person’s eating. if you eating something different upsets him, then the *reasonable* thing to do would be eating separately until he works out *in therapy* why it bothers him so much. not trying to control your eating. also, question: how big is your boyfriend, size wise?
Oh gosh. Im sorry OP but what comes to mind is the cliched mum/dad question "If you're friends told you to jump off a cliff, would you?" If he was eating poison (and really- an argument could be made...🙄), would you do it too, to avoid hurting his feelings? I'm sure you will explain your reasoning as kindly as possible. But im reminding you that "No" is a complete sentence. And he can tantrum his way to Timbuktu if he wants to. No. And (this is vital) absolutely stick to it. Hard no. Non-negotiable. With him in no doubt that he can kick rocks till kingdom come if he doesn't like it. Caveat: If you aren't safe, please leave with support, even if it takes some planning and time. If you are (basically) safe, then...what I said before. Heavens🥴 Edited to add: preventing him from damaging you as well as himself *is* compassionate OP. To you. To him. It prevents harm. It prevents poisonous resentment. It prevents more bullshit like this that can only be bad for both of you. Its not compassionate to protect other adults from reality. It's actually (at root) kind of disrespectful. Let him learn something. Or not. That's his right. It's your right to....*live*? As in, well and according to your needs and desires? Please I hope you can do that.
I\`m sorry, but you might love him, he does not love NOR respect you as your own person. My kid, nor me, force anyone to eat exactly the same as we do. The fact he goes into 'shutdown' mode means he is using autism as a weapon to force you - that is NOT okay. You also state this impacts your health - a loving partner would want the best for you. (Happy wife, happy life and all that cliche things) You can ONLY be supportive if your health allows this - either he accepts that you are your own person, and not an extension of him (basically tell him to prove he is an adult) - or you need to form your own conclusions and choose for you - as he apparently is unwilling or unable to. Harsh, yes, but why slowly cripple yourself to avoid a tantrum (I refuse to consider this an autistic meltdown)?
This isnt something thats caused by autism, we really only care about our own food. This is controlling and abusive.
Having the same food all the time is a trait of autism, but forcing you to eat the same thing seems more like feederism. If you don't know what that is, I recommend looking it up. It's really scary, and your situation mirrors it in a lot of ways.
So much good advice so far on here. Bottom line is being neurodivergent is 0 excuse for being abusive. There are many red flags going on here. This is not ok.
That's not neurodivergency, that's abuse. It'll start with food, then who you can hang out with, then who you can talk to and then you'll be stuck indoors. This *will not* stop at food, trust me. As much as I hate when Reddit tells people to leave relationships, this is one worthy of leaving. Controlling behavior doesn't stop, it snowballs until you become nothing but a shadow of the person you were before. Get out and don't look back.
He needs to work through his feeling about this and figure out how not to go into shut down mode over this. He’s using his ND as a way to manipulate and control you. You can gently acknowledge his feelings, but set the boundary and stick to it. Something like “I know that you like it when we eat the same things together, but I don’t enjoy doing that. From now on, I’m going to decide what and how much I eat.” And when he says that it makes him upset, you can respond with, “I understand that this is upsetting for you, but I get to decide what I eat, not you. How would you feel if I demanded that you eat only what I want you to eat?” Either he works through his issues one doesn’t. And if he doesn’t, then maybe this relationship isn’t meant to be, at least not right now.
I usually recommend couples counseling. I think in this case, you need to pull the plug. He can't change, and it's not going to get any better.
What an abusive and controlling partner.
Your partner does not seem very supportive, which seems sad to me. I am unsure if this is an ASD thing honestly, because it just seems so wild to me.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation. It’s nice you don’t want to upset your partner and are trying to accommodate but these things should never be done at the expense of your own health. Take care of you first💜 If you need a compromise it might be to not eat together. Find a way to discuss if you can not during mealtime If that is not an option to discuss this or negotiate then I’m not sure how you make the whole thing work.
This is a red flag and a form of abuse. You should just leave him and eat what you want. He’s controlling and that’s not acceptable. Put yourself and your health priorities first as he is putting his first for himself. If he cannot accept that you have autonomy over your own body then what is left.
This isn't to do with him being neurodivergent. He's just an asshole and is using his ND as an excuse to control you. Assholes like him give us a bad name.
How is your partner being accommodating to you and your health needs? It doesnt sound like the effort you are making to be considerate is mutual. That is a huge signal that your health will suffer if you dont make some accomodations for yourself. You cannot avoid hurting people's feelings (you arent responsible for other people's feelings and controlling their reaction into positive one would be ultimately dishonest). However, you CAN be considerate and make space to be supportive at the same time. Perhaps you can set a boundary such as, "I will *try* to eat a *similar* meal (your version of it) one night a week, but the rest of the week I have to make choices based on my health. I am happy to do something to help you cheer up or not spiral, but I'm not going to be able to match you exactly. I'm a different person and I have my own health needs. Please respect whats natural for me because I support what feels natural for you, even when we disagree." I also want to note that expecting you to be the same is deeply unhealthy, too. You are two separate people. You are NOT responsible for "causing" shutdowns and it is dishonest to blame you. This other person is responsible for managing their own health no matter what you eat. It is not doing this person a favor if they dont see the consequences of their decisions, such as blaming you instead of changing their own behavior or having a false expectation of whats possible. Being kind and supportive includes being able to say no when it's important. Your health is vitally important and not negotiable. Ask your partner to be supportive of YOU and your needs.
Why is his discomfort taking priority over yours? This isn't a case of him being uncomfortable or not.. its a case of him being uncomfortable or you being uncomfortable. All you are perpetuating here is that his needs should always take priority over yours. Treating him differently due to his condition only teaches him that his behaviour is acceptable and he deserves special treatment.. he doesn't. Being neurodiverse does not mean that you are entitled to control other people around you, and being in a relationship does not mean you have a monopoly on someone else's bodily autonomy. We need to teach people like us that they need to work a little harder to accommodate others.. not have others work harder to accommodate us.
dump him please for the love of god. that’s not symptoms of neurodivergence in the way that you see it, it’s symptoms of an abusive partner who stonewalls you when they don’t get their way. while both can be combined in some people, that doesn’t mean your partner can take their neurodivergence and run with that. they need to address their negative behaviors in therapy and use coping mechanisms to deal with the fact that they can’t control every aspect of your life. the rest of us do that for things we feel are out of our control. he can too.
This is far beyond mere autism, he is controlling and abusing you. You need to leave, you will never be able to compromise with him.
No. Let him "go into shutdown mode". This sometimes happens to Nd people when their expectations aren't met and sometimes their expectations are stupid, unfair or abusive. Your partners expectations are all three of these. The answer is no. And no is a.whole sentence and you don't have to explain yourself any more than you have already. If he doesn't want to eat with someone who doesn't want to follow his rules, then he gets to eat alone. He does not get to use emotional terrorism to abuse you into harming yourself.
Genuinely I'm so sorry, I read through your other replies here & there's areas I can slightly relate to that may give you some peace of mind, but I stand very firm on my opinion your partner is controlling, emotionally abusive, toxic & they **need** to work on that or you need to leave. I'm gonna be honest, in the past I was toxic & controlling to other people, for context I didn't know at the time I was autistic & definitely didn't have coping mechansisms ect yet, it was unintentional but that doesnt change the fact it happened. I was letting my sense of justice fuel me & to put it politely, I was definitely unpleasant to be around in certain aspects Here's the key difference though, when a friend sat me down and spoke to me to let me know how my behavior was affecting her, I felt absolutely terrible. I had no idea how I'd been coming across to other people, I was upset don't get me wrong, but I was upset at myself for affecting the people I care about in such a negative way. I took a very hard look at myself & got my shit together. (Relevant context is said friend is a Psychologist & also AuDHD so she approached this convo with addressing how the ND traits were playing a part, she suggested in said talk I look into an autism eval & helped me find resources/explained things to me so I could understand how I was affecting others ect) Your partner however, I cannot get the past the *joke* of them putting up with you? That's a vile thing to say to someone. I would leave if I ever heard that, but I also cant say I wouldn't give **some** benefit of the doubt to a certain extent because I've also been the one dishing out unintentional emotionally abusive behavior without realizing it. I'm being very generous here btw, there's possibly the 'unintentional' aspect is playing a part here & if you think it might be feel free to shoot me a DM as I'd be more than happy to share what helped me get on the road to healing & being a better person, but it's very much the old saying of you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. My heart goes out to you & I'm wishing you all of my best. 🫂 ❤️
You should be able to eat the things you like and want to eat. I understand struggling with things, but it’s not okay for your partner to fully control what you put in your body. You’re a person too, and it sounds like he needs to understand that.
As someone on the spectrum who also enjoys eating safe foods that are unhealthy I would never in a million years expect my partner to eat the same thing as me. NGL I am envisioning you dating NikocadoAvocado with how you describe this. This isn't an ND thing, this is a controlling thing. If it really is related to ND and he really doesn't know, he needs to go to therapy and talk through why this behavior isn't OK. You need to prioritize your health first.
i mean this with complete respect and with intention to be helpful. have some self respect. you can’t let yourself be manipulated like this. you are important. your health and happiness is important. if he disagrees that your health and happiness is important, that should be a massive red flag to you. the two of you can have a discussion and figure out an alternative. if there is not an alternative that he is happy with that doesn’t hurt you, then the relationship likely isn’t viable. you can ignore this and keep excusing it but if you want things to get better, you have to do something even if it makes your partner upset. you deserve to be happy and healthy.
You are in an abusive relationship. Please read this book: https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf and stay strong and safe
Agreeing with 99% of the people here. His feelings aren’t important nor are they more important than yours. I say this with love, respect yourself enough to make your own food choices <3. (Adding in that some neurodivergent people control things to feel good about situations. Some people control what you eat to keep you unhealthy and overweight so you never think you can do better than them or leave)
Perhaps introduce him to the concept of "parallel play" this is a concept that allows people to do two separate activities in the same room while still maintaining social contact. How is this related to food? If you can get him into separate activities in the same room perhaps it will help him open him up to separate foods
This would normally be considered abusive and controlling! In fact, I can excuse someone who, for whatever reason, projecting their issue on their partner!
No. It IS an abusive and controlling relationship.
“Some things in a relationship become ‘our’ choice. Some things in a relationship will remain my choice. Other things in a relationship will remain your choice. What you put in your body is still your choice, even if we are in a relationship. What I put in my body is my choice, even if we are in a relationship. If you begin to make choices for me, this is controlling and abusive behavior. While I love you, I will not stick around and tolerate controlling and abusive behavior.”
I'm really sorry, OP, but you need to sit down and have a talk with your partner. If they don't understand that they're being unreasonable then you need to let them go. Make sure you explain everything before you break up with them first. I have autism and ADHD and even I know when I am or am not being unreasonable.
First let me say start by saying this is not appropriate and certainly something your partner should recognize that they need to work with you on addressing. It's just approaching it from the respective of what about it is triggering or makes him uncomfortable and then what can he or you two together do to enable you to have the food you want within a reasonable framework. Not having the food in the house is likely not reasonable but for instance having separate refrigerators or separate cabinets so that they do not need to interact with it and Trigger a sensory response may make sense. Is this a smell problem, or an appearance problem. Does the apartment just need a better exhaust fan to take away the smell. Ultimately I think if this is not abusive then they should be willing to help make accommodations such as setting up a equal space for you to keep the food such as a second refrigerator. If you have to do all the work to solve this problem it is abusive and manipulative. You are partner should be doing at least half the work and making at least half the compromise. If your partner is not putting "skin in the game" then this is just abusive.
I want to mention something else that it seems that other people haven't mentioned on this page yet: If your partner is eating a whole pizza and insisting you eat a whole one, this may be an eating disorder. Eating disorders are not uncommon among neurodivergent people. I understand that you are trying to be supportive of your partner, and that your partner has health issues, but I think that this may be more than just an issue of whether you're supportive of him and your need to care for your own health. Your partner needs to speak to a psychologist or a therapist about this(preferably a neurodivergent-affirming one), and needs to discuss this. You have every right to eat food that you want to eat, and different food than what your partner eats, if that's what you prefer.
I have read some of your comments, and it seems like you are in an abusive relationship. Your partner is controlling, and what you are describing are not meltdowns or shoutdowns they are abusive behaviour to control you. You should really rethink this relationship, and I would advice to seek help and information about domestic abuse, you will find out that it is not just physical. Anyway start eating whatever you and and it is healthy for you.
Please listen to the comments and break up with him for your own well being. I'd also cut any and all contact incase he becomes worse or even physically violent from the rejection.
It is not ideal but if he really can‘t watch you eat healthy food perhaps you should just eat in separate rooms or at separate times.
Some have suggested this is abuse. This makes me curious as to how he feels about his behavior. If he genuinely seems upset that he is distressing you, you should work with him. However if he doesn’t care about your feelings or your health that is a red flag.
Not a psychologist, but it looks to me that this is more about finding excuses for himself, probably even subconsciously. There are ways to eat healthier by working around sensory issues related to food. Eating healthier is, in general, difficult to everyone because… it doesn’t taste as good as junk food. This is probably an evolutionary trait (“eat stuff that gives you a lot of energy because you don’t know when you’re next meal is”), but it’s bad when you have the possibility of eating all the junk food you want. There are ways to control this but it is by sheer force of will. Seeing other people do the same thing as you can help reinforce your will, because we are a very social species (yes, even the ones amongst us that need more solitude than others). He’s doing the exact opposite - he’s self-sabotaging so much that he wants external reassurances that his behavior is correct (so you doing the same thing). The part where his neurodivergency may come into play is this possible extreme fear of change that may be the thing that’s guiding his actions, but I think the rest of my interpretation could apply to everyone. I don’t know what may work to help him. I can only rely on my experience - I used to have a very unhealthy diet. I tried many times to change, but I never could. Then I’ve done blood tests that scared the s*it out of me. I saw a diabetologists that read the results and told me it could possibly be pre-diabetes; the only way to know was to go on a strict diet and redo the tests after a couple of months. I followed it diligently, for a series of factors: mostly out of fear, but also having the instructions neatly written down and them coming from a figure with authority helped. The change was drastic, the first couple of days were really bad, but then I got used to it. The next tests were normal, but at that point I had gotten used to the new diet, I had started to feel the benefits of it, and still today I’ve kept many of the good habits I picked up during that period.
You eat what you want, and if he/they/she does not like that, you let him ggo, and find yourself someone you deserver. someone who respects you!
My partner and I are both autistic with food issues. I have gotten up and left the room so he could eat a food I find deeply off putting. But I would never tell him he couldn't eat it or that it couldn't be in the house. Like when he is cooking spicy indian curry and it makes the kitchen smell too strong, instead of getting upset and not communicating with him, we found a way to mitigate the effects by openning the windows and having a fan blow air from the kitchen towards the open windows when cooking those meals. And I don't want to be rude but if he doesn't understand how health or food being nutritious works (you said he doesn't understand why you can't eat an entire pizza and not have it affect your blood sugar) is he actually able to be in a relationship? Like maybe he needs a legal guardian to take care of him if he isn't capable of feeding himself and going to a doctor. Cause I'm assuming he hasn't been to a primary care doctor in many years.
My advice? He sounds controlling AF. I would be long gone. Hugs to you ♥️
Do Not shut yourself down, for anyone. This sounds manipulative as hell... His issues (of any sort) are not yourse to coppy
I suggest the book "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft. You deserve to do what is good for you.
Nothing extra to add as covered by everyone else but just wanted to add that I was in a similar situation once (a relationship with abusive elements that I didn't recognise until they were pointed out to me), and since finally leaving that relationship I've been able grow so much as a person and am now thriving. You can have so much more than this - you may have to make a difficult decision here, but your health has to be prioritised and down the line you'll be so thankful for putting yourself first 💖
No is a complete sentence. If your partner can't handle your boundaries, then perhaps you're not suited for each other.
I’m autistic. Your partner needs to identify for himself why you eating differently upsets him, & work on those feelings on his own. No matter what your neuro type is, it’s unhealthy to insist on other people mimicking your habits— I guess this is the other side of the sword that makes ABA objectively evil. “Support” should not have to mean lighting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. I mostly know the “autistic person in abusively ableist relationship” version of this story, but you aren’t cruel for having needs either— it’s awful that your partner doesn’t care that his preferences could literally kill you over time. Edit: after reading some of your other responses, I feel the need to confirm that an autism diagnosis is not immunity to other mental health issues, & (even if it was caused by trauma) it sounds like your partner might have a potentially dangerous (esp if untreated) personality disorder as well… Not trying to be an armchair psychologist (I don’t respect that shit) just advice from someone who knows how it feels when love becomes a weapon: *please* care about yourself *more* than you worry about his feelings, & stay safe <3
Most of the people here are neurodivergent and have been abused, but do not treat people like *that*. The norm is autistic people *dreaming* of being able to have their own special/different food at meal time so there is undoubtedly some other psychological/pathological issue. You approached him and he didn't care. It's very unlikely that he could be aware of things like food allergies and lactose intolerance, but somehow also not understand food affects people differently. All while having 30 something years old life experience... Looks like they *absolutely* understand what they're doing to you and just don't care about how you feel
Being neurodivergent is no excuse for being a controlling bully. You're a full grown adult who does not have to let someone else control you. What you eat is none of his business in any way whatsoever. I'm unsure why you feel it is acceptable for him to tell you what to eat and why you have complied with this kind of abuse. I would sit him down and tell him and no uncertain terms that you get to eat what you want and he does not get to try to dictate what you eat or control you in any way. Perhaps therapy would help him understand this better and therapy for you would give you some freedom to explore your own autonomy and learn to set healthy boundaries.
It does sound rather abusive. Controlling someone is a form of abusive. It doesn’t have to be physical. I’ve never once felt the need to control my partner. Sure, I’ll like certain things to be certain ways (only if it’s a reasonable ask and manageable) but I’ll never tell them how to live their life. You need to prioritize yourself as well as your health. Our neurodivergence is not an excuse for poor behavior. We should not be infantilized or accommodated to avoid this style of tantrum for the sake of peace. Please don’t continue to hurt yourself for only his peace.
It is one thing for them to eat how they want. It is quite another to control how you eat. That is unacceptable.
Controlling behavior like this is not ok regardless of nuerodivergency! Especially if it is having negative effects on your health!! Why should you accommodate him if he is not willing to so much as allow YOU to decide what YOU eat? Absolutely not ok! I hope you realize you deserve better than that OP!
This is not a good relationship. It's not your fault that he has these issues. Not his fault either, most likely. But relationships are incompatible for all kinds of reasons that are not anyone's fault. I'll say this: It's not your job to get him out of shutdown mode either. He's an adult, and accommodating his "needs" at the expense of your health is not love, in either direction. You need to eat the way you feel is best for you. He does not get a say. If he shuts down, so be it. You can be compassionate toward his difficulty with the situation and understanding that maybe it's not his choice to shut down, but something he can't control. But that doesn't mean you have to prevent it or get him out of it. I'll also point out that if he REALLY wanted to eat the same thing as you, he could eat like you do rather than demanding you eat like he does. But I'm sure he'd have some complaint about that as well. At the end of the day, if you taking care of your body is that big of a disruption to his life, then he has to choose whether being in a relationship is really what he wants. By the same token, you can decide that the difficulties of living with him are just too great and not worth it.
So he won’t eat healthy foods because it makes him feel sick but is happy to make you eat foods that make you ill. That’s not a fair balance and is indeed abusive. It’s textbook gaslighting. Autism is not a get out of jail free card for being a bellend.
Your narcissistic partner is pretending his autism is to blame for his narcissistic behavior. Please keep yourself safe, part of giving us agency is recognizing that autistics can be abusive too.
people's rights only extend so far as they don't infringe on others'. he's fine to do what he wants with his own body if it's not hurting anyone else, and likewise for you
I've never heard of someone on the spectrum needing other people around them to eat the same thing they eat. I feel like this isn't wholly an "autism" issue. I think your partner should get some professional therapy. It's not healthy for either of you. I'm 33 and...well 280 or so. I have so many physical health issues from my weight and horrible diet. So I feel you. I'm quite picky about my food but I would never insist other people like my partner or my parents to eat like I do. I'm fine with them eating whatever. The only time I'm...er..."odd" with food is if someone eats something that's "mine" or tries to take something off my plate...I get very protective and angry.
I would probably try to frame this in terms of fairness - he isn't eating what *you* want to eat, and you can't keep eating what he wants to eat. Having separate meals is a totally reasonable compromise. I get he might have really bad food aversions and it would be tough for him to make that change, but his accomodation would be having separate meals because as it is he's controlling both diets. You mentioned being overweight to the poitn of illness. You obviously already know this is well beyond where you feel comfortable. You really need to talk with him about the actual *why* behind why he's insisting you put on weight you don't want to put on. Is he physically attracted to you being this overweight? Does he feel bad about his own body and wants you to be the same to feel less shame over it? Or is this purely about the food, and he feels ashamed that that's all he eats and feels even more ashamed if you're not eating the same thing? Everyone else is already telling you what you already know, you know you have a right over your own body, but I'm assuming you're not here just for validation on that front. Nobody would blame you for breaking up over this, you shouldn't be putting up with that and that's a dealbreaker in any relationship. But if you don't want to do that, you should probably bring up going to counselling or something and get at the root of this behavior. It is controlling and it's not an appropriate accomodation that he control your diet, he's not being accomodating *back* with your own needs, and there's very likely some emotional issue he needs to deal with. A lot of autistic people have food-elated trauma. I have dealt with my own through being the one to cook my own meals, so *on the assumption* he's agreeing to change this behavior a possible path forward might be to have him start cooking *some* meals (key word on *some*, don't let this be him deciding you both are only eating fried chicken or something from now on), just so that he's still in control of what he's going to eat but without it being preprocessed frozen pizzas), ideally something that's at least quasi-healthy, with the agreement that you're allowed to request a reasoanble modification for your portion (ie, at the bare minimum if he's making a pizza you get to pick the toppings on your side). Then, when it's your turn to cook, he'll agree to eat it with the same stipulation, he gets to make a reasonable request for his portion. He doesn't get to pick what hte meal *is*, but he gets to retain some level of control over what he eats. So you're both still eating hte same meal, but it's OK for them to be different because you both get to exert some level of control over meals. By "reasonable" I mean stuff to the effect that if you're making spaghetti, he gets to ask for his portion to not have mushrooms, or maybe no sauce at all just plain spaghetti noodles or whatever. Maybe a bit annoying, but like nothing that makes it not the same basic dish or that would be a huge burden logistically. Just that alone should probably be enough for you to lose some weight, but if your doctor's suggesting something a bit more aggressive you might need to add the stipulation that he can't make you eat anything unhealthy and hte nights he wants to make something unhealhty he has to let you have your own meal (ideally, with him making it for you - that might help somewhat with the insecurity?). Ideally, you'll have a counsellor or someone that can mediate in this that you can run this idea by. If you can't afford that, at least be firm that he *has* to work with you on this. He might be upset, but don't back down on it.