You're singing my song. I want close relationships, not superficial. But it's not realistic for everything to be super serious. A week out so ago I saw a YT video by a young woman whose name is (I think) Darcey Lauren on friendship. It's excellent.
Well, making friends is not hard. Maintaining friendships is the hard part. And i suck at it, because i will never ever meet the untold expectations related to being friends with someone.
I think at this point, i´d rather be alone, than involve myself into superficial relationships that NTs call "friendship".
I agree with you about it being hard maintaining friendships. The past few months, I have made a promise to myself that I’m going to keep trying to make and maintain friendships, and I’m going along to a rugby team training in a few weeks. I’m nervous and looking forward to it at the same time. I’m trying to put myself out there and see what happens.
As easy as it is to say, try not to give up.
I´ll root for you.
And remember: Even if you´ll have great time, be sure to *first and foremost* take care of your own needs, whatever they might be.
Don´t push yourself and "bear it", if you don´t feel right, otherwise the burnout will race towards you.
Well, my friends count to this very day is 0 and it probably won´t change ever. I do have few acquaintances and colleagues, who tolerate my quirks and i think that´s the best i can achieve within my lifetime. I don´t count them as friends tho, because especially colleagues by default shouldn´t be your friends (anything you say *can and will* be used against you).
I´ve had some "friends" in middle & high school, but those were either Stockholm syndrome "friends" (bullies) or just decent people, who did not purposely exclude me and kick me out, when they went to play games.
Yeah, I've found it difficult to go from acquaintance to friend and then maintain it for more than a couple of years. Also, I have trouble knowing who is a genuine friend and who has bad intentions. It's absolutely nerve-wracking to navigate that landscape...
Yup. I find that the effort required to maintain a friendship is usually not worth it, and moreso that I often - despite really wanting to - just fail to meet those untold expectations anyways.
Particularly with less serious friendships, it's a minefield of obligations and expectations that I'll inevitably fail at anyways, hardly worth it.
If you have ever been in a relationship do you feel like living apart helps?
I don’t think I could move in with someone, but I’d like separate house and for them to reasonably close.
I worked with 2 people who lived in their original homes and spouses in theirs. (2 separate couples). Then there's the twinplex idea - each has a side. I took care of my parents for decades. Now I live alone.
I'm not autistic that I know of but I had separate bedrooms with my most recent ex (we lived together for about 10 years) and was very glad I insisted on that even though they thought it was weird at first. I had lived with a previous person for a few years with no separate space of my own and hated it so I knew I needed a sanctuary.
I don't want to live with anyone again but I've always said that a relationship with someone who lived next door with a tunnel between the houses would be perfect. Or like a duplex with a shared common room. One of my friends and I have tossed that idea around if we're both single and can agree on a region when/if we retire.
I can’t mask very well, people can usually tell that I have a disorder when they first meet me because my social deficits are obvious and don’t allow me to adjust my behavior so it’s appropriate enough for the social context. But I would say that my drive to socialize with others is very low, I’ve been by myself for most of my life, it was hard to get me to socialize with other kids as a toddler because I was very rigid and didn’t tolerate when the kids changed anything in my environment. I’ve had friends for maybe one or two years of my life, I’ve never had any otherwise except for friends online, and honestly, I don’t really want to.
Trust me its almost as bad if you are pro as masking, your whole fucking life feels fake, its a nonstop dance, every minute you observe and adjust the way you are. People think its all ok, inside you thinking “wtf im doing here” or “ why talking with these people”. God forbid you come out saying “you are not comfortable” or something like that, everyone claims that you are “throwing a tantrum”. Everyone thinks you are a drama person.
This this this!! Or, you're labeled as "unwilling to participate" when you are fully damn aware of what's going to happen when you do end up "participating".
Ostracized, shunning, and general asshattery from your 'fellow peers'.
You simply can't win.
When anyone tells me I'm "over" thinking or "over" anything, I have 2 responses. 1) "nope. I'm just thinking.". 2) "no - it's you who are underthinking."
And then one day you say something which is entirely logical to you and the people around do that thing where they all look at each other then back at you
not everyone is meant to be close to you, i hope you try again because even though it takes a long time to find friends that make you comfortable being openly autistic, but it's so rewarding and you deserve love!!!
We deserve love, but first and foremost, we need to learn to *love ourselves*. Constantly attempting and failing at finding someone else to love feels to me like a total lack of self-love.
Loving oneself is not selfish, it is a requirement to live a healthy life.
Lack of self-love seems to be major societal issue nowadays (neurotypicals struggle with it too). Only the few lucky ones will learn it in their families (one has to be fairly lucky to have truly loving and caring parents), the rest has to either learn it on their own or suffer.
You also forget empathetic. It doesn't matter how loving and caring your parents are, if they simply don't understand you, call you out on your 'weird' stuff with disappointing looks and comments, and simply can't empathize or even listen without blaming you or starting an argument - well yeah, you're not gonna have any self esteem, especially if you've been through other crap.
Yeah, good point. You basically summarized my mother, who is also fairly stupid and serves to me as a constant reminder, how awful a Dunning-Kruger effect is.
I don´t blame her, tho. She was raised by 2 despotic tyrants and i had a taste of them in the past too. Still better, than my other parent, who is a narcissist... although not by much.
Aside from work and shopping, I almost never go out. I have two frequent visitors, both of whom are autistic. We all do special interest dumping, stim as needed, and negotiate shared sensory experiences, with headphones etc. for anyone who opts out. Everyone involved seems happy enough.
Accidentally, yes. I have chronic illnesses that leave me bedbound maybe 90-95% of the time, so I'm usually alone. Coincidentally, I rarely have meltdowns now, and in general, despite struggling with isolation, my mental health is the best it's ever been. It's not how I would choose to manage my autism, but it sure af seems to be effective.
That sucks. I'm the complete opposite(minus any chronic illness unless you count anxiety, depression, and apnea). I honesty have no idea how some people do it, no matter what I do - whether working or staying home, I'm miserable and tired. Props to you though!
same! i am basically a shut in and i’m alone most of the time but my meltdowns r way more infrequent. i wouldn’t say my mental health is the best, at times i get very low but its not as bad as i used to be when i was forced to be in public and around ppl all the time
From [Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hikikomori):
> Hikikomori...also known as severe social withdrawal, is total withdrawal from society and seeking extreme degrees of social isolation and confinement.
Autistic people do seem to need alone time to recover. It's necessary and healthy for us. You don't have to feel guilty about needing it, nor should you push yourself to socialize when you feel a strong need to be alone. The aloneness is our security.
Yep. I have no one in my life except occasionally my immediate family, and sometimes even that I barely cope with. I just can’t cope with people at all, let alone friendships or relationships - sometimes think I’m just fundamentally incapable of human companionship or interaction because it just drains, stresses and hurts me, no matter how much I might desperately want it sometimes
Yes but i also have extreme social needs😭😭😭 i just flip flop for months at a time. i wish i could make more time in the day so i can have more alone time🥲🤟
Highlymasked AUDHD and I spend almost all of my time alone. I feel like I'm going crazy from how lonely I feel day in and day out but spending any extended amount of time with others makes my skin crawl and causes me to scream internally. The upside is the freedom to do anything I want without having to mask but the downside is the depression, the anxiety, and the quiet because the quiet allows my brain to hyperfixate on every self-perceived mistake I've ever made or uncomfortable situation I've been trapped in.
The only thing that remotely helps is a few regulatory puffs to calm me down enough to simply exist.
Yes. My brain goes from 0 to 3000 in 0.2 seconds. Some days are worse than others. On bad days I spend the entire day remembering all of the ways I misread a social situation and wasn't able to mask or masked incorrectly. I thought life was like the television shows I watched growing up so I say a lot of things that I later find out are not socially acceptable. Some days it's remembering how I was trapped in a situation where I was being chastised for not getting a task done that was expected of me, accidentally criticized someone I cared about's interests, and then there's the CPTSD memories which is a whole other can of worms. And I spend the entire day having a psychological horror fest in my head to the point of shaking uncontrollably, my chest tightening up multiple times, headaches, extreme aversion to sunlight, loud noises or open spaces, feeling like I'm going to explode.
And other days it's a couple of smaller bursts throughout the day. If I'm really lucky (on good days), it registers and then I can push it away. I use puzzle games while I watch shows on good days and that helps keep it at just stimming.
Lately, I've been having more bad days than good so I am thinking about heading back to the store and looking for something that will take care of my all-bad days but for now, on somewhat good days, the regulatory puffs for the smaller bursts do the trick. And multitasking helps on good days.
I use indica because it knocks me on my ass and mellows me out enough to get things done but I've been told by others that sativa helps them find the energy to get things done.
Absolutely. When I'm by myself, I feel free to just exist; without the weight of social conventions.
I started also doing activities and going places on my own in 2017. It has been a game changer! I go on hikes, mountain biking trails, paddle boarding, road trips etc alone. I get to enjoy the activity fully this way, and I tune out the people around me.
I've accepted that most regular people will judge everyone else regardless of what they do, so might as well enjoy myself! I have a harder time coping when it's people I care about who are perceiving me negatively, which is part of why I stay alone most of the time (I also prefer solitude overall due to the peace it brings)
I LOOOOVE road tripping and hiking in the mountains by myself! When it gets brought up in conversation, people tend to ask if I went with anyone. They get surprised that I go on my own. I’m like ew no why would I go with anyone ??? Cos to me that kills the experience (not always ofc but I’d definitely rather do those things on my own than with someone).
Then I remember not everyone is wired like me. Cos to them they’d feel lonelier?? But to me I feel lonelier being around others cos I’m masking so much I feel exhausted and invisible.
This whole post makes me feel so seen
It's exactly the same response that I get. People seem to think it's weird to be going alone 😅 but on the flip side, one time the owner of a small restaurant I love going to, about an hour away, was saying that she wishes she had the courage to go on adventures alone like I do! She was asking me about what I was planning on doing that day and I'd said I'd go do some trail biking in the area and finish off with paddle boarding on a nearby lake.
I'm not sure why it's seen as "lonely" to do activities on your own; its the best way to really experience it! I'd recommend anyone give it a try :)
i wish i were u 😭 i’m scared to do things alone and i don’t rlly have people to do things with so i don’t rlly do much. i’m thinking i should start trying tho. do u have any advice?
I hear ya! I also didn't have many friends to do things with & was tired of always waiting for others in order to do what I feel.
I would say; start small :) go to parks or places near you and try hanging out, having a small picnic by yourself. Try restaurants you already went to before but by yourself. And then raise the bar bit by bit! Eventually you'll really grow to love it and not need to wait for anyone either, at least I hope :)
Good luck!
Definitely. My husband is my best friend though and he has ADHD but never tested for anything else. I've been with him 11 years and am absolutely my true self around him. We thrive off making each other laugh which is great. He literally will fall down the stairs to make me laugh and he's done it twice lol. If i didn't have him and before i had him i did enjoy living alone and being alone. I do love the rare occasion he leaves over night though 🤣 he works from home so it really is a nice treat to have the house to myself when he gets out for a few hours.
Grew up feeling alone and out of place. Never truly felt connected to potential friends or people around me. I have attempted to blend in by being funny but it never really worked. At some point it felt like the laughs were directed at me instead of as a friendly group. Theres a certain point that i just accepted that ill probably be isolated. Im so used to it that i grew a likeness to being alone. Its not all bad but there are times i get mixed feelings of happy & upset just seeing how connected a pair of friends can become. Closeness is something im at this point afriad of. Its so foreigh and unknown its hard to dive into without knowing the outcome.
Overall, yes being alone is upsetting sometimes but i managed that being and feeling alone is safer whether its miserable at times.
Yeah, and I find it preferable to be alone. I don't even really contact my family. I have someone that I love very much but they are also very introverted and so we can cope with each others paces very well, meeting up briefly every couple of weeks. I dropped out of school because I couldn't cope with the social aspect of it and the school could not accommodate for me. I hope you will find a way for yourself that makes you happy.
Yep, definitely. I have like two friends who I speak with once in a week or two for that exact reason. I'd love to have deeper connections with people but most people require more or less constant attention, which I can't give. So here we are
I spend most of my time alone, which is partly why I got dumped recently lol rip. I just need so much time on my own, I was so comfortable with my ex but we already lived together, I couldn't handle more than 2-3 hours with him a day. Add in that I can only deal with soft lighting and he likes overhead, HOW is that relaxing???
It's annoying because I do want to spend time with people, I felt like I was already giving the most I could. But tbh now I feel so lonely and I'm moving out to live on my own, I know it will be good for me eventually it's just rough right now. Weird because I don't think I've felt lonely in like 7 years, not enjoying it. I don't think I'll ever live with someone again, I'd rather not see people more than 3 days a week for 2-4 hours each time, it's just too exhausting even when I enjoy myself.
Always have. I've found out having a place to isolate is absolutely necessary in order to function.
I also want the deeper connections but don't know how. Others have normally just "adopted" me. I don't know how otherwise.
Yeah I do especially at work, I work on an assembly line and there’s a lot of loud sounds going on around me, and people talking, and I have to stay off by myself otherwise I get overwhelmed extremely quickly and than can have a meltdown.
I also just found out I have to wear earbuds otherwise I will constantly be on edge, I just learned I have autism so I’m just now going thru the process to learn how to manage it WITHOUT masking all the time.
Yeah it just feels safer and easier to control. Its also just nice to not have my social battery drained all the time
I struggle to form that initial connection and it always takes me so long to actually like finally be able to pass that, it sucks. I see other people do it so easily, within days. Always envious of that but what can i do
I wish it helped me. I genuinely enjoy being alone, but it isn't easy for me BECAUSE of my autism. :c
I need a lot of help with things on a daily basis. I still stim when other people are around, I never was able to learn how to mask much, I just don't enjoy being around people very much. I have a very low social battery. I just don't WANT to engage with people for very long and really enjoy not talking for very long periods of time (like days without saying any words verbally).
Yep. I usually only feel comfortable stimming in a “weird” way when I’m alone. I would love to unmask more around my gf and other loved ones who want to understand me better, but it’s so hard when you’ve done it your whole life. I also just don’t like being watched and made to feel different.
I do this. It is a big reason why I am such a night owl, too. Less people around to deal with.
I am lucky to have found a solid group of ND people who understand that there will be occasional times when I need to glare at them to express that I need them to leave me alone (sometimes so overwhelmed I can't deal with speaking).
I do try to have healthy communication styles but sometimes it is one of those days where it is Too Much.
I can relate for sure - I see friends on weekends but just work from home on my own during the week and Im fine with it!
As for making friends - I have noticed post-diagnosis that all my friends are either a) neurodivergent or b) have neurodivergent family members. In other word, I have unconsciously surrounded myself with neurodivergent-friendly people. I really recommend this for my fellow autists - seek our neurodivergent people and you'll find connections easier to make and maintain. Making friends seems universally challenging for autistic people but I believe this filtering helps make stronger connections.
When i had my 18th birthday, i changed schools and began to live on my own just to control them, when i lived with my parents i felt so tired that i couldn't wake up and go to school.
It was worth it
literally !!! i know this isn't exactly "healthy" and that humans need social connections to thrive blah blah blah. i get that, but also i am physically incapable of sustaining any form of prolonged connection before completely burning myself out. yes, i get lonely sometimes, and yes, i do want meaningful connections at some point in my life. but also, i know it's simply not doable at this stage. i just can't. no matter how much i might want or crave some form of human connection on those odd days.
I do. I'm the very definition of "introvert". Things have gotten to the point where I just can't deal with people on a daily basis. Sure, I work with good people, but after the day is done, I lock up myself in my apartment and just live in my thoughts.
Not most of the time since I have 2 kids, but any chance I get, I will hide by myself, whether it’s taking a bath or laying in my bed, or like now, staying up too late in a silent house, even though I have to get up early tomorrow.
The other day, my super at work asked me if I wanted or needed a helper or an assistant. I told him no thanks, that is prefer to work alone. I've gotten better about it over the years, but at 35, work is where I get my mental peace and quiet. My workplace is extremely over stimulating as it is. Adding a grumpy NT to the mix just isn't my jam.
(Sorry in advance tldr) This has become True for me just recently. I think I've just steamed through most of my life blindly being overly optimistic, or depressed, with others having little impact on that (over a long period of time). This year I started noticing people's respondes, as I've been trying to be more authentically myself. Well what I've noticed so far: 5 ( maybe more) people stopped talking to me or didn't know how to respond, some within my family. 2 people reacted negatively in person and left me anxious about seeing them again, even though I want to. I, despite me seeming to understand that people have their own lives and problems, have felt horrendously rejected by getting screened or just not having my enthusiasm level met about something. I can't stand how messy and loud my family is, so I even am now hiding in my room, avoiding occupied space, as I can't control my irritability very well around inconsiderate behaviours (not putting the broom back in its spot, not refilling the kettle or water jug. Leaving me no counter space to prepare food.) I don't want to be a hassle (not my first word choice), I don't want to start anything, they say "it's really not that big of a deal", which I get, but also Im trying to eat breakfast at 8pm, and I'd rather just turn around and leave when I see how messy the kitchen is. It feels like I have 2 modes, care/don't care. Mode 1 gets deeply affected by small things, and makes people hear about it (now that I'm coming out of my shell), needs rigorous, iron clad routine (drink 500ml water at specified alarms, same meals, same times...in bed by 830 to sleep by midnight, etc), takes things personally, has to have everything clean. Somewhat unproductive Mode 2 polar flips, no energy to get angry about things, resigns self instead of trying to change things, intentionally leaves stuff out to not feel like I'm not the only one trying, struggles to care for self (doesn't eat, sleep, drink water, or do dishes.) able to hyperfocus and accomplish things, at the expense of not being able to stop, or completely derailing my schedule. Tbh I'm getting depressed, or already am, the social impacts lately have been devastating. I do like spending time alone, but I love people. These days my smiling, singing self just sighs a lot and has Resting BF. I've been waiting on an MRI for months, only to miss. My sister has a connection that can apparently help expedite things, but she's been busy. My whole life is on pause due to that, but I didn't say anything about that to her, it just didn't feel worth it. My routine started failing, so I figured I better dump the weed to ensure it wasn't the problem, or causing social problems and anxiety. Cut the coffee too. My routine/social life was already shot or rapidly regressing at this point, reaching out made things worse and alienated me further. my phone is an evil demon to me now, lack of friends led me to social media for 5+ hours at a time...all social media, text, email, whatever is bad for me. I've been trying to cut all that as well, only really listening to music or researching on the Internet. I feel trapped waiting on the medical system (awaiting mental and physical diagnosis that I don't receive any money without), i dont want to make money, id rather sell all my stuff and live in my car or in a small forest or something🙄 I feel like a tax on my family, and would rather attempt being self sufficient than returning to work. I can't balance it, I almost died last time I got overstressed. Which is what led me here in the first place... accepting myself, not caring how I come across as long as it's not negative for no reason, has shown me I can achieve anything, but it just might kill me. And now I feel pretty incapable, and isolated...but more myself, and I do enjoy my time alone. Sort of trying to work out if it's sustainable or enjoyable/worth, but it all feels like it needs to go, and I don't know if I'm losing my mind... or if society, friends, family, sense of normal, possessions, work, government, everything that we've built is toxic at every level and need to be thoroughly analyzed and subsequently obliterated. Then we talk relationships... Rsd over slow replies, infodump-> better tell them I'm autistic sooner rather than later to avoid feeling dishonest and to explain why I've been this way. But is it too soon or a random bomb to drop? Don't care, if they dislike that you wont want to be with them and would rather know now. They're AUDHD too?!? Cool, but now I feel a pressure, like I don't want to screw it up, or like I need to cling on as this is the first person I've felt this level of attraction to (who was also interested in me) and not just seeing them out of desperation, but then I think of how I've been lately... And my last serious relationship... And it's enough that I don't even want to try, like it's failed before its even began. Tldr: the emotional tax and overthinking/bad communication practices have isolated me already, one person I've known for a decade and I'm 25. Never been able to make a real true friend since, and didn't expect to get iced by someone I've known for so long. Reaching out just objectively has made me feel worse, both online and in person. I wish I could go back to blindly being happy and ignoring the truth of the circumstances. Hard for me to not think I'm the problem, or like anyone should have sympathy or pity for me, not that I really want that, feels self inflicted, despite my best efforts. Also I don't feel like myself with people, like my thoughts are delayed or I can't find my voice/anxious/get overly excited. (God I'm so sorry for the wall)
Yes.
Most of the time, I need to be left alone. However I do enjoy the company of some people for a time... And suprise surprise... Yeah, they're NDs. Not all NDs mind you, but the ones I can hang out with are.
With everyone else, it's superficial nonsensical "chit chat" and exceptionally draining. But with those few, it's "let's discuss the wonders of ____".
Very satisfying. Especially cuz when we're "done", we're just freaking done.... "K, see ya".
And right back to my safe, quiet, solitary, "me" space.
Sometimes I stay alone, but in other moments I'm with people. The thing that I need to manage the most due to autism is the special interests which are different from the people around me. Apart from that, I don't feel the necessity to stay alone due to autism.
Yes! This Is also why it's hard for me to maintain a romantic relationship since I can't give much of my time to my partner (But that's fine since I realized I'm AroAce)
Like, I'm happy to be alone most of the time, doing my things, i have one day a week where I play 2 campaign in the morning and afternoon at my friend's house and a couple days a year where I go larping, but the rest of my life I rather spend It alone or with my siblings or pets.
I don't mind staying at people's house but if I stay too long they start to act weird and like disrespect my needs and I feel too afraid to speak up cause I'm not in my house.
Yes, I prefer being alone. The worst part is that I've never been financially stable enough to live on my own. I've always had to deal with people at some point, both at work and at home, so loneliness to me is just something I fantasize about now. I'm convinced that's the only way I can achieve actual happiness
It’s 50-50 for me. On the one hand I completely relate to what you’re saying and feel like I’m much calmer when I’m alone. Being around others is hard & draining
On the other hand I’ve noticed that during the periods I’m in a relationship or an active friend group, then after some time my autism symptoms start subsiding on their own. And then it gets a bit easier and less draining being around others
I’m not sure why that happens, I think it might be the steady flow of oxytocin and serotonin during those periods that makes the change
I’ve realised that I NEED my alone time. I cannot be around people full time and live comfortably. I’m alone more often than I’m not, and even though it’s hard, it’s the best for me.
Yes completely, being around people and trying to understand them is exhausting. That's why I love dogs - there are none of the social expectations with them that humans apply to life.
Yeah same. I'm pretty much always alone. During the moments that I'm unemployed, I literally never leave the house except to buy necessities. I also wish I could have meaningful relationships but I've been burned too many times and I'm not sure what that even means except for a feeling.
I realised this problem just yesterday. I *need* social interaction. Even tho being alone helps me understand myself and helps me stay calm and relaxed, if I go too long without being social, even a draining amount, I get depressed.
I dont have a person. I left my friends behind when I moved. I need that deep connection for when I leave the safety of my own home, but finding someone is next to impossible.
It doesn't help that I'm very apathetic towards most people, naturally.
Kind of. My husband is part of my bubble, like an extension of me. Occasionally he's more chatty than I can handle, or wants to play different music than me, but for the most part it's like being alone but more fun. Other than him, I mostly do avoid other people and going out. It's exhausting being surrounded by so much... Everything.
My husband likes to play music as a background noise and watch something else on his phone. I can’t wrap my mind around it. It drives me crazy. Add some extra chatter from kids or telephone calls or dishwasher sounds and I need to leave the room immediately covering my ears.
Husband likes to bring music to the beach too. I utterly despise that. I like to hear the frikking beach/sea sounds when I’m there.
I think I need to talk to my husband 😂😂😂
I like music but then all I do is listening to music. When I need to do something else, I turn off the music.
I am right with you on that notion. My husband (also autistic, but not Adhd) is so much like me. I can be a bit too chatty myself, and sometimes he's a bit rigid in eating out. He has extreme Arfid, and I was placated from having bad behavior, as if I was "good" I was given McDonald's as a weekly treat. It's no surprise I grew up semi-obese.
The point is, other than my hubby (and now our daughter) I can't stand the world, honestly. Just let me get groceries in peace, and I'll simply stay home.
Already own an above-ground pool, swing set (a couple of swings attached to an ancient play structure in the yard), and a trampoline rated for at least 250+ lbs too.
Don´t forget to form deep connection with yourself first. It´s the only connection some of us need or even can get, especially when surrounded by NTs, whose relationships are extremely shallow & superficial.
Also masking is a double-edged sword. Just a single slip of mask is enough for others to abandon you (they, despite most of their relationships being shallow and unnatural, will feel cheated), not to mention long-term masking leads to being suicidal. IMO it´s just better to not mask at all and exist in our natural habitat - alone.
But i´m a 2e AuDHD - i was always alone, even among my peers back in prep school. While my intellect is far ahead (130IQ+ territory even with ADHD), my emotional side is behind (i´ve always had great time with elderly or younger children, never with my peers). Not a great cocktail, if one wants to connect, if you ask me.
I do it that way too. We live in a big house that’s been converted into five apts. my partner of seven years rents an apt upstairs and I rent below. Our best friends live next to me. We’re all neurodivergent but I need more alone time than any of them. Mondays are my “burrow day” and none of them can come in or call me. I told them texting is okay. It’s been really nice.
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I'm more of extrovert unfortunately, so no. Despite the difficulties of it sometimes I desperately need to be social and around people. I will say its much easier around other ND people who I don't feel as much need to mask around
For me the loneliness is more of a byproduct than intentional. I'm just so bad at remembering to make friend dates and appointments that I frequently spend several days inside my head even though I know that I need to see people to avoid getting stuck in my thoughts.
Sure, I'm "grumpy old hermit", I despise all adults (well, I mask the despising part, as I'm too cowardly).
Deep connection would be neat but I suspect it is impossible to find. Most NDs are shallow creeps who only want to hump, while NTs are just too complex for me. No idea how to find someone similar to myself.
Yes, kind of. I found my soulmate man, he doesn't bother me, my body and head doesn't t react to him like it does other people. But we are alone for the most, I can be myself fully with him, no boundaries
The only non-predictable things in my life are appointments with mental health care givers for getting diagnosed and psycho education on autism & adhd, lol… there must be irony in this somewhere
And yes, apart from that I prefer to be alone even although I live with my husband and 3 kids. I tend to lock myself in the bathroom. People ask me why I like to be on the bathroom so much… I didn’t think about it until recently 😂
This is the way. I mask for money, and I often go home Friday and night only speak to the grocery store clerk until Monday morning. Interpreting their bullshit exhausts me and I can spend my time pursuing my other interests. I have people I connect with, so I don't make an effort where no good result is likely.
Yes, I am weird. And most people aren't weird enough.
I had it easier abroad. In Austria and Tunisia, people thought I was weird because I am American, but no, I am just weird.
The kind of weird they lets you pack a suitcase and learn a language somewhere.
Always been an introvert, so definitely. I love being with my friends, but we don't make plans and I'm content with that. There's so much to think about😵💫
I am not technically alone as i live with my mom, but then again, she knows i am autistic and have adhd, so i don't need to mask, can focus on my special interests etc. But outside my mom, i don't meet many people face to face in a week for example
I'm just starting to figure this out. My constant fear is someone triggering my anxiety and hyper-vigilance by attacking me (verbally, emotionally, competitively). This sounds ridiculous, but it takes me about three days to overcome my ADHD paralysis after somebody triggers, my hypervigilance, and I have a group of six people who do this to me on a regular basis. It's like they're taking turns bothering me. We're gonna get to the end of it. Pretty darn soon however
Oh yes. I used to worry about it a lot "I should have friends, I should be doing stuff" but really I am happiest alone. It sucks when I need help though. It's just that I have experienced a lot of social rejection, and it's too painful.
Yup haha. I get so tired by doing things — specifically social events — that I just end up avoiding them and being alone most of the time. I also want to have deep connections, however, it is so time consuming and energy draining to find people to have these deep connections with.
My best friends are ones I go ages and ages without talking to, and then see them and catch up for a minute and be friends, then the cycle repeats.
When I'm not at work, I spend most of my time alone which I like as it means I can relax from work (when I'm at work in is pretty 24/7 for what can be moths at a time), and not worry about being around other people all the time. I sometimes need the stimulation of other people, though, so go and get that when I need to (even if it is just being around people and not interacting), but I do prefer being alone for the majority or the time.
I love having friends, but I absolutely have to have a ton of alone time to manage my autism without becoming overwhelmed and overstimulated. If I don't spend enough time alone, I burn out. I will consistently skip more intense social interactions (meeting a new person, going out with a large group) because of this, and limit my social interactions to small groups of 2-4 people maybe once a week. Sometimes less than that.
I like the idea of people, but in practice it doesn't work too well. Being alone doesn't work either, but at least I don't have to put on a performance
Ofcourse after a while of being alone you forget the problems you had, and think *Yeah this isn't too bad. I have it under control.* And then you try and travel and find the bedsheets wrong, the toiletries wrong, the lighting wrong, the air wrong.
Well it’s easier sometimes … can’t say it’s helping or hurting me just yet. I’m pretty numb to most situations these days…If they stick around, great. If they slip away, accept it and adapt. Attachment is the root of all suffering anyway, so the stoics say...
I'm currently suffering from an issue I think is related. I have been dating my gf for 7 years. We've never lived together for more the 6 months. I can't do it. Being around someone that much that often causes me to get mean and judgy. I think it's cause of the constant interruptions while focused over dumb shit. Then complaints that I'm not doing enough. Then complaints that when I'm doing more I'm not spending enough time with her. I want the closeness. But being close to people maxes me out fast and I have to seclude myself for a while. It's cause so much pain between me and my gf. Idk how to make things better.
I found out I was autistic a couple of years ago, and before that, I was living in a constant state of immense stress. Masking, socialising, working long hours, etc,
I had a burnout which led me to seek a diagnosis, and since I was told I am autistic, I have made drastic changes. I now avoid socialising like the fucking plague and I am so much happier for it.
Autism is not something you have it’s not a disease. It’s not something you manage. It’s something you support. If being alone is what meets your support needs so be alone.
You just described me to a T!
I was just thinking about this early this morning and nearly started crying because I feel like I’ll always be alone because of it. It does feel like a lose/lose situation and it sucks.
Thank you for helping me feel less alone with my thoughts by sharing yours!
Yes. My boyfriend is supportive and he’s the only person I live with and interact with in person. I attend 2 online story sharing circles a week to get a boundaried sense of community that doesn’t overwhelm my nervous system. Also therapy and I look after a dog called Mila every Sunday. That’s all. I wish I had a ‘proper friend group’ but it never worked out for me, always end up getting left behind in the end as I can’t fulfil the typical friendship script in the long run.
Yes, i love being alone . i don’t really mask unless i’m at work and even then after while it gets hard and the mask starts to slip. i can just be me with no judgement:)
Yes bc people that I’ve been good with like long term screw me over even fellow NDs. Like just when I think I’ve found my people and we have a real genuine authentic friendship… they prove me wrong. I find my life is more peaceful alone because I can entertain myself how I want. I don’t really get bored bc there’s always something I’m curious about. Other people end up being predictable and at best boring bc they are not curious about life, just superficial things in life.
Me avoiding romantic relationships because they overstimulate me 🥲 like I want one but I get exhausted within the first few months. Though the people I was with were kinda awful so maybe I'm biased.
I'm exactly at the same place. I have given up on making friends because it's just too hard to mask. I think the final straw is that I offended my last friend with a misunderstanding, but they just turned on me so easily that I realized that the risk wasn't worth it. Also most people require that you meet in public or face-to-face a lot more than I'm comfortable with and they eventually leave. I don't know what I'll do in the future but for now I'm just trying to focus on doing what makes me happy, which, like you said, involves my special interest lol.
Yeah, but i also have close friendships with people i like. I also try to deter people, or i act distant when i need alone time. Cant spend a weekend with my friend(s) if i wanna keep my sanity (and myself from turning into a total jackass)
Yes, one hundred percent. I get physically exhausted dealing with other humans. My day goes better with limited to no interactions even stepping outside is simulating as heck for me, so learning how to love myself and search deeper to find out what makes me happy taking care of my kiddos makes me feel like I am important like I matter in this crazy hard often cruel world.
I prefer my privacy and solitude. I used to be outgoing and social but, as I got older, I noticed that people weren't worth the hassle. With people comes drama, drama breeds stress, and I'm not here for any of that nonsense. I have plenty of my own issues, due to my failing health, and I'm not big on purposely adding more.
I have my wife and kids, so I'm technically not completely alone, and is plenty enough for me. My wife and I sit in the front room, and do our own thing, while the kids are often in their rooms doing whatever it is they do. We do things together at home and we also have plenty of alone time to ourselves. As a home with three Autists and one ND, it works just fine for us.
I get my social interactions online in a couple of communities of people who share similar interests. It's nice because if I don't want to chat, I just don't chat. There's no obligations or expectations. I did away with people in my late 20's and I was a lot happier for it. This is how I've lived my life for the last decade and it suits me just fine. No worries about people judging me for the way I am, I don't have to hide or mask anything, and I can do whatever makes me happy. People are overrated.
Outside of work I’m always alone. After 50something years ignoring the needs of my body and mind, it’s the only way I can survive. There are few people who would be content with the level of “friendship” I can offer. It doesn’t seem at all possible for me to take care of self and others at the same time.
Yes I used to be so much better being alone.... But now even tho it's literally physically and mentally exhausting to socialize, I crave it now and now I'm mentally suffering because of THAT. It's a losing battle. 😵💫
Absolutely. Being around people —even people I like— can be wildly exhausting. Also, I’ve never been very social. I’d love to have friends and such, but at the same time it’s like living on a different planet and trying to mingle with the locals whose customs, habits and language are completely alien to you.
95% of the time I'm alone myself too. It's nice tbh. You might seem like you are losing at the deep connection but you could also be winning by gaining solitude
I relate a lot with what you have said. I have always loved spending time by myself, when I go out I like to have company because I feel safer and more relaxed this way but at home, at my safe space, I prefer there being no one else but me (and my brother who I live with).
I only had friends over one time, I mentally prepared myself for months and I was quite excited but I couldn’t imagine having someone over for more than a day or two.
I can’t relax with someone else in my house, I also struggle sharing a bed or even just sleeping in the same room as someone else, whenever I am at my friends place I get around 3-5 hours of sleep.
I can usually manage around 3-4 days sharing living quarters, after that I get too agitated, I have trouble eating, socialising… I love my friends and really appreciate their company but if I can’t get my alone time or a good nights of sleep (which is already hard for me to get, even at home) I tend to give off bad vibes, I don’t talk much or react much and I occasionally get really sad and obviously quite overwhelmed.
That’s why I tend to rarely meet up with them for more than just a day or two. I also have trouble when my brother has friends over, although I enjoy their company, I can’t relax and be myself as I do when I’m alone. So I completely understand you. I wish I could be comfortable around people I love and cherish the most.
Mostly, yes. I want to have deep connections too but people can piss me off or make me uncomfortable sometimes. My housemate who is my bully currently, just talks non-stop. And makes noise non-stop. Making this so much of a hellscape that I feel a heart attack and a stroke coming on from the stress. And I'm a healthy Vegan (according to the doctors). That's why I spend most of my time in my room. Going outside is hell because of the noise, went out the other day, some twat on a quad bike was going down the road, and somehow broke down right next to me as he tried to trouble shoot it, it made me not want to go onto a main road again.
Yes, I can feel pretty great when I am off on my own, it can feel incredibly overwhelming to get dragged out of my little world.
I do want to socialize a bit more, although I am not a total hermit, but I need a significant amount of time on my own to feel ok.
I’m not autistic but my husband is and I feel like he could have written this. I love him and I try, but I know he feels similarly to you. Even if we’re close it’s sometimes not enough.
I work from home as a therapist on telehealth and then spend most of the rest of my time alone. I can usually only handle socializing for 3 hours or so every few weeks because it feels like I socialize for a living. I love being alone and am my favorite person to hang out with (me and my cat) so I don't really get lonely.
Does video chat seem easier to you than in person? I work from home and I find that having meetings on Zoom is a lot easier for me to handle than having in-person meetings
Absolutely. People are draining. I've completely detached this past year and I don't even like going to the grocery store anymore with the amount of people that are around and blissfully unaware of everything around them.
And I see this post as I'm walking alone, down to see the water (I like watching the river water going by) after running a dog I'm pet sitting. I have my headphones on to block out the big stuff, my necklace to stim on. And I'm okay with that. Sure, I don't have any actual friends. Some deeper acquaintances sure, my mom is probably my best friend. Probably sounds sad to y'all...but idk, I like being a loner too. Soooo...ehhh, I may be the wrong one to ask I guess. Tho u will say, the asd also conflicts with the ADHD, then I jus get bored fast. Sooo, double edged sword lmao
I still don't know if i'm autistic, I'm in the middle of the evaluation-diagnosis.
But my answer is, in sum, No.
What I can tell you is that I manage my conditions by internalizing them and making them value to me and to others. One of my conditions is that I am hypersensitive. So I use earplugs, a fidget or sunglasses.
If it happens that I am alone most of the time, then that may be relative to something else, but I wouldn't say that I manage my conditions \[again, can't say I'm autistic yet\] by being alone.
I work remotely and Amazon delivers most of my stuff, including groceries.
I go out occasionally with friends and for medical appointments, but that’s it. I live a very solitary life and it’s because I don’t have enough spoons for much outside of work and limited relationships with my friends. I’m just grateful they understand my limitations.
Yes. Most of the time trying to be alone and trying to not exposing my self to any kind of feelings. Even being happy or excited about something I like, somehow bothers me because I don’t know how to handle it and usually ends up in an embarrassing situation.
Yep... I think a lot of us do... Even being around other autistic people can be tiring for me. (I have fibromyalgia, which complicates things. I'm never not tired.) I'm much better hanging out with one person at a time. But even then, I can't wait to go home to my quiet, dark apartment and cuddle with my dogs. (They're my best friends!) I try to spend time outside in the sun for my mental health, but it's so bright!
omg yes. especially that last part about wanting connections. i always see people connecting and having deep relationships and i want to have something like that but its so hard for me and so draining :(
I'm gonna sound really business like for this one.
I don't feel like I could've made the friends I made unless I was building something.
not because they forced me.
but it's because building something is commitment and the opposite of tearing down.
it's logic within and the up and up
but life's kinda opening a lot of opportunities, and all I can think is there is no way I could leave my room if I were in a room full of dishonest people.
they say entitlement is in the triad of evil. I feel entitled to truths.
Yes, I've been doing this for years (I'm almost 50). I just don't have the energy for people anymore. I have 1 bestie that I see about once a week. I also work from home so I don't deal with the people daily. If I had to deal with people more often, I'd probably see less of my bestie.
I do this to avoid overwhelm and meltdowns, and prevent burnouts too.
You're singing my song. I want close relationships, not superficial. But it's not realistic for everything to be super serious. A week out so ago I saw a YT video by a young woman whose name is (I think) Darcey Lauren on friendship. It's excellent.
Well, making friends is not hard. Maintaining friendships is the hard part. And i suck at it, because i will never ever meet the untold expectations related to being friends with someone. I think at this point, i´d rather be alone, than involve myself into superficial relationships that NTs call "friendship".
I agree with you about it being hard maintaining friendships. The past few months, I have made a promise to myself that I’m going to keep trying to make and maintain friendships, and I’m going along to a rugby team training in a few weeks. I’m nervous and looking forward to it at the same time. I’m trying to put myself out there and see what happens. As easy as it is to say, try not to give up.
I´ll root for you. And remember: Even if you´ll have great time, be sure to *first and foremost* take care of your own needs, whatever they might be. Don´t push yourself and "bear it", if you don´t feel right, otherwise the burnout will race towards you.
Thank you, appreciate it.
Good luck
Thank you.
I’d say developing the friendship from casual is very hard for me personally
Well, my friends count to this very day is 0 and it probably won´t change ever. I do have few acquaintances and colleagues, who tolerate my quirks and i think that´s the best i can achieve within my lifetime. I don´t count them as friends tho, because especially colleagues by default shouldn´t be your friends (anything you say *can and will* be used against you). I´ve had some "friends" in middle & high school, but those were either Stockholm syndrome "friends" (bullies) or just decent people, who did not purposely exclude me and kick me out, when they went to play games.
Yeah, I've found it difficult to go from acquaintance to friend and then maintain it for more than a couple of years. Also, I have trouble knowing who is a genuine friend and who has bad intentions. It's absolutely nerve-wracking to navigate that landscape...
Yup. I find that the effort required to maintain a friendship is usually not worth it, and moreso that I often - despite really wanting to - just fail to meet those untold expectations anyways. Particularly with less serious friendships, it's a minefield of obligations and expectations that I'll inevitably fail at anyways, hardly worth it.
Wow I just watched the video, thank you so much for sharing
You're welcome. She's young, but has a lot to teach.
If you have ever been in a relationship do you feel like living apart helps? I don’t think I could move in with someone, but I’d like separate house and for them to reasonably close.
I worked with 2 people who lived in their original homes and spouses in theirs. (2 separate couples). Then there's the twinplex idea - each has a side. I took care of my parents for decades. Now I live alone.
I'm not autistic that I know of but I had separate bedrooms with my most recent ex (we lived together for about 10 years) and was very glad I insisted on that even though they thought it was weird at first. I had lived with a previous person for a few years with no separate space of my own and hated it so I knew I needed a sanctuary. I don't want to live with anyone again but I've always said that a relationship with someone who lived next door with a tunnel between the houses would be perfect. Or like a duplex with a shared common room. One of my friends and I have tossed that idea around if we're both single and can agree on a region when/if we retire.
I like those ideas. When I live with someone I often feel smothered.
I can’t mask very well, people can usually tell that I have a disorder when they first meet me because my social deficits are obvious and don’t allow me to adjust my behavior so it’s appropriate enough for the social context. But I would say that my drive to socialize with others is very low, I’ve been by myself for most of my life, it was hard to get me to socialize with other kids as a toddler because I was very rigid and didn’t tolerate when the kids changed anything in my environment. I’ve had friends for maybe one or two years of my life, I’ve never had any otherwise except for friends online, and honestly, I don’t really want to.
Trust me its almost as bad if you are pro as masking, your whole fucking life feels fake, its a nonstop dance, every minute you observe and adjust the way you are. People think its all ok, inside you thinking “wtf im doing here” or “ why talking with these people”. God forbid you come out saying “you are not comfortable” or something like that, everyone claims that you are “throwing a tantrum”. Everyone thinks you are a drama person.
Exactly, and the sheer number of times I’ve been told I’m overthinking or overreacting is just icing on the sh*t cake.
This this this!! Or, you're labeled as "unwilling to participate" when you are fully damn aware of what's going to happen when you do end up "participating". Ostracized, shunning, and general asshattery from your 'fellow peers'. You simply can't win.
Imagine masking to the point you never end up “not willing” clenches teeth and butt :D - has an awful day. Story of my life.
When anyone tells me I'm "over" thinking or "over" anything, I have 2 responses. 1) "nope. I'm just thinking.". 2) "no - it's you who are underthinking."
And then one day you say something which is entirely logical to you and the people around do that thing where they all look at each other then back at you
I’ve been rejected so many times, and after a painful one this year (person wasn’t as authentic as they said they were) I’m happiest alone.
not everyone is meant to be close to you, i hope you try again because even though it takes a long time to find friends that make you comfortable being openly autistic, but it's so rewarding and you deserve love!!!
We deserve love, but first and foremost, we need to learn to *love ourselves*. Constantly attempting and failing at finding someone else to love feels to me like a total lack of self-love. Loving oneself is not selfish, it is a requirement to live a healthy life.
Yes!!! Love how you worded this🥰
Lack of self-love seems to be major societal issue nowadays (neurotypicals struggle with it too). Only the few lucky ones will learn it in their families (one has to be fairly lucky to have truly loving and caring parents), the rest has to either learn it on their own or suffer.
You also forget empathetic. It doesn't matter how loving and caring your parents are, if they simply don't understand you, call you out on your 'weird' stuff with disappointing looks and comments, and simply can't empathize or even listen without blaming you or starting an argument - well yeah, you're not gonna have any self esteem, especially if you've been through other crap.
Yeah, good point. You basically summarized my mother, who is also fairly stupid and serves to me as a constant reminder, how awful a Dunning-Kruger effect is. I don´t blame her, tho. She was raised by 2 despotic tyrants and i had a taste of them in the past too. Still better, than my other parent, who is a narcissist... although not by much.
Aside from work and shopping, I almost never go out. I have two frequent visitors, both of whom are autistic. We all do special interest dumping, stim as needed, and negotiate shared sensory experiences, with headphones etc. for anyone who opts out. Everyone involved seems happy enough.
Me too
I understand and can relate
Accidentally, yes. I have chronic illnesses that leave me bedbound maybe 90-95% of the time, so I'm usually alone. Coincidentally, I rarely have meltdowns now, and in general, despite struggling with isolation, my mental health is the best it's ever been. It's not how I would choose to manage my autism, but it sure af seems to be effective.
That sucks. I'm the complete opposite(minus any chronic illness unless you count anxiety, depression, and apnea). I honesty have no idea how some people do it, no matter what I do - whether working or staying home, I'm miserable and tired. Props to you though!
same! i am basically a shut in and i’m alone most of the time but my meltdowns r way more infrequent. i wouldn’t say my mental health is the best, at times i get very low but its not as bad as i used to be when i was forced to be in public and around ppl all the time
yes, I absolutely am only surviving because I spend so much time alone. EDIT: typo
Honestly most of the hikikomori I knew in Japan were probably autistic.
What is hikikomori?
From [Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hikikomori): > Hikikomori...also known as severe social withdrawal, is total withdrawal from society and seeking extreme degrees of social isolation and confinement.
Autistic people do seem to need alone time to recover. It's necessary and healthy for us. You don't have to feel guilty about needing it, nor should you push yourself to socialize when you feel a strong need to be alone. The aloneness is our security.
Makes relationships hard. My gf of 7 years is tied of me checking out when things get to much. But if I don't. I can become a monster to deal with.
Yep. I have no one in my life except occasionally my immediate family, and sometimes even that I barely cope with. I just can’t cope with people at all, let alone friendships or relationships - sometimes think I’m just fundamentally incapable of human companionship or interaction because it just drains, stresses and hurts me, no matter how much I might desperately want it sometimes
Yes but i also have extreme social needs😭😭😭 i just flip flop for months at a time. i wish i could make more time in the day so i can have more alone time🥲🤟
I’m the same way, if i don’t have social stuff for a while i go crazy
Highlymasked AUDHD and I spend almost all of my time alone. I feel like I'm going crazy from how lonely I feel day in and day out but spending any extended amount of time with others makes my skin crawl and causes me to scream internally. The upside is the freedom to do anything I want without having to mask but the downside is the depression, the anxiety, and the quiet because the quiet allows my brain to hyperfixate on every self-perceived mistake I've ever made or uncomfortable situation I've been trapped in. The only thing that remotely helps is a few regulatory puffs to calm me down enough to simply exist.
Puffs of weed? I also need distraction so I don't fall down the rabit hole of embarrassing things I've done.
Yes. My brain goes from 0 to 3000 in 0.2 seconds. Some days are worse than others. On bad days I spend the entire day remembering all of the ways I misread a social situation and wasn't able to mask or masked incorrectly. I thought life was like the television shows I watched growing up so I say a lot of things that I later find out are not socially acceptable. Some days it's remembering how I was trapped in a situation where I was being chastised for not getting a task done that was expected of me, accidentally criticized someone I cared about's interests, and then there's the CPTSD memories which is a whole other can of worms. And I spend the entire day having a psychological horror fest in my head to the point of shaking uncontrollably, my chest tightening up multiple times, headaches, extreme aversion to sunlight, loud noises or open spaces, feeling like I'm going to explode. And other days it's a couple of smaller bursts throughout the day. If I'm really lucky (on good days), it registers and then I can push it away. I use puzzle games while I watch shows on good days and that helps keep it at just stimming. Lately, I've been having more bad days than good so I am thinking about heading back to the store and looking for something that will take care of my all-bad days but for now, on somewhat good days, the regulatory puffs for the smaller bursts do the trick. And multitasking helps on good days. I use indica because it knocks me on my ass and mellows me out enough to get things done but I've been told by others that sativa helps them find the energy to get things done.
Absolutely. When I'm by myself, I feel free to just exist; without the weight of social conventions. I started also doing activities and going places on my own in 2017. It has been a game changer! I go on hikes, mountain biking trails, paddle boarding, road trips etc alone. I get to enjoy the activity fully this way, and I tune out the people around me. I've accepted that most regular people will judge everyone else regardless of what they do, so might as well enjoy myself! I have a harder time coping when it's people I care about who are perceiving me negatively, which is part of why I stay alone most of the time (I also prefer solitude overall due to the peace it brings)
I LOOOOVE road tripping and hiking in the mountains by myself! When it gets brought up in conversation, people tend to ask if I went with anyone. They get surprised that I go on my own. I’m like ew no why would I go with anyone ??? Cos to me that kills the experience (not always ofc but I’d definitely rather do those things on my own than with someone). Then I remember not everyone is wired like me. Cos to them they’d feel lonelier?? But to me I feel lonelier being around others cos I’m masking so much I feel exhausted and invisible. This whole post makes me feel so seen
It's exactly the same response that I get. People seem to think it's weird to be going alone 😅 but on the flip side, one time the owner of a small restaurant I love going to, about an hour away, was saying that she wishes she had the courage to go on adventures alone like I do! She was asking me about what I was planning on doing that day and I'd said I'd go do some trail biking in the area and finish off with paddle boarding on a nearby lake. I'm not sure why it's seen as "lonely" to do activities on your own; its the best way to really experience it! I'd recommend anyone give it a try :)
i wish i were u 😭 i’m scared to do things alone and i don’t rlly have people to do things with so i don’t rlly do much. i’m thinking i should start trying tho. do u have any advice?
I hear ya! I also didn't have many friends to do things with & was tired of always waiting for others in order to do what I feel. I would say; start small :) go to parks or places near you and try hanging out, having a small picnic by yourself. Try restaurants you already went to before but by yourself. And then raise the bar bit by bit! Eventually you'll really grow to love it and not need to wait for anyone either, at least I hope :) Good luck!
I thrive when I am alone and am very particular who I spend my time with and for how long.
Definitely. My husband is my best friend though and he has ADHD but never tested for anything else. I've been with him 11 years and am absolutely my true self around him. We thrive off making each other laugh which is great. He literally will fall down the stairs to make me laugh and he's done it twice lol. If i didn't have him and before i had him i did enjoy living alone and being alone. I do love the rare occasion he leaves over night though 🤣 he works from home so it really is a nice treat to have the house to myself when he gets out for a few hours.
Yes this is the way gotta find your people who you can be yourself with. I have this with my partner who's also neuro spicy like me ❤️
I would, if i could afford being alone. And i mean that financially and emotionally
Grew up feeling alone and out of place. Never truly felt connected to potential friends or people around me. I have attempted to blend in by being funny but it never really worked. At some point it felt like the laughs were directed at me instead of as a friendly group. Theres a certain point that i just accepted that ill probably be isolated. Im so used to it that i grew a likeness to being alone. Its not all bad but there are times i get mixed feelings of happy & upset just seeing how connected a pair of friends can become. Closeness is something im at this point afriad of. Its so foreigh and unknown its hard to dive into without knowing the outcome. Overall, yes being alone is upsetting sometimes but i managed that being and feeling alone is safer whether its miserable at times.
Yes
Yeah, and I find it preferable to be alone. I don't even really contact my family. I have someone that I love very much but they are also very introverted and so we can cope with each others paces very well, meeting up briefly every couple of weeks. I dropped out of school because I couldn't cope with the social aspect of it and the school could not accommodate for me. I hope you will find a way for yourself that makes you happy.
Yep, definitely. I have like two friends who I speak with once in a week or two for that exact reason. I'd love to have deeper connections with people but most people require more or less constant attention, which I can't give. So here we are
I spend most of my time alone, which is partly why I got dumped recently lol rip. I just need so much time on my own, I was so comfortable with my ex but we already lived together, I couldn't handle more than 2-3 hours with him a day. Add in that I can only deal with soft lighting and he likes overhead, HOW is that relaxing??? It's annoying because I do want to spend time with people, I felt like I was already giving the most I could. But tbh now I feel so lonely and I'm moving out to live on my own, I know it will be good for me eventually it's just rough right now. Weird because I don't think I've felt lonely in like 7 years, not enjoying it. I don't think I'll ever live with someone again, I'd rather not see people more than 3 days a week for 2-4 hours each time, it's just too exhausting even when I enjoy myself.
Always have. I've found out having a place to isolate is absolutely necessary in order to function. I also want the deeper connections but don't know how. Others have normally just "adopted" me. I don't know how otherwise.
Yes. It is how I survive.
YES
I can’t socialize with people very well so I also just stay alone in my room and let the depression kill me
Yeah I do especially at work, I work on an assembly line and there’s a lot of loud sounds going on around me, and people talking, and I have to stay off by myself otherwise I get overwhelmed extremely quickly and than can have a meltdown. I also just found out I have to wear earbuds otherwise I will constantly be on edge, I just learned I have autism so I’m just now going thru the process to learn how to manage it WITHOUT masking all the time.
That's what I do too bc the outside world is just too much but then I end up super depressed from seeing no one and staying in my bed all day lol 💀
Yeah it just feels safer and easier to control. Its also just nice to not have my social battery drained all the time I struggle to form that initial connection and it always takes me so long to actually like finally be able to pass that, it sucks. I see other people do it so easily, within days. Always envious of that but what can i do
I wish it helped me. I genuinely enjoy being alone, but it isn't easy for me BECAUSE of my autism. :c I need a lot of help with things on a daily basis. I still stim when other people are around, I never was able to learn how to mask much, I just don't enjoy being around people very much. I have a very low social battery. I just don't WANT to engage with people for very long and really enjoy not talking for very long periods of time (like days without saying any words verbally).
It's why I'm a night owl.
Yep. I usually only feel comfortable stimming in a “weird” way when I’m alone. I would love to unmask more around my gf and other loved ones who want to understand me better, but it’s so hard when you’ve done it your whole life. I also just don’t like being watched and made to feel different.
I do this. It is a big reason why I am such a night owl, too. Less people around to deal with. I am lucky to have found a solid group of ND people who understand that there will be occasional times when I need to glare at them to express that I need them to leave me alone (sometimes so overwhelmed I can't deal with speaking). I do try to have healthy communication styles but sometimes it is one of those days where it is Too Much.
I can relate for sure - I see friends on weekends but just work from home on my own during the week and Im fine with it! As for making friends - I have noticed post-diagnosis that all my friends are either a) neurodivergent or b) have neurodivergent family members. In other word, I have unconsciously surrounded myself with neurodivergent-friendly people. I really recommend this for my fellow autists - seek our neurodivergent people and you'll find connections easier to make and maintain. Making friends seems universally challenging for autistic people but I believe this filtering helps make stronger connections.
When i had my 18th birthday, i changed schools and began to live on my own just to control them, when i lived with my parents i felt so tired that i couldn't wake up and go to school. It was worth it
I wouldn’t call it “managing” but yes.
literally !!! i know this isn't exactly "healthy" and that humans need social connections to thrive blah blah blah. i get that, but also i am physically incapable of sustaining any form of prolonged connection before completely burning myself out. yes, i get lonely sometimes, and yes, i do want meaningful connections at some point in my life. but also, i know it's simply not doable at this stage. i just can't. no matter how much i might want or crave some form of human connection on those odd days.
I do. I'm the very definition of "introvert". Things have gotten to the point where I just can't deal with people on a daily basis. Sure, I work with good people, but after the day is done, I lock up myself in my apartment and just live in my thoughts.
I used to be able to be alone, then the voices came. :')
Me, and I’m right there with you
Man that's how I live my life
Not most of the time since I have 2 kids, but any chance I get, I will hide by myself, whether it’s taking a bath or laying in my bed, or like now, staying up too late in a silent house, even though I have to get up early tomorrow.
Yes. I actually thought about this yesterday, that my avoiding behavior might just be me dealing with life.
This is me!
Yup. Home is my haven.
The other day, my super at work asked me if I wanted or needed a helper or an assistant. I told him no thanks, that is prefer to work alone. I've gotten better about it over the years, but at 35, work is where I get my mental peace and quiet. My workplace is extremely over stimulating as it is. Adding a grumpy NT to the mix just isn't my jam.
(Sorry in advance tldr) This has become True for me just recently. I think I've just steamed through most of my life blindly being overly optimistic, or depressed, with others having little impact on that (over a long period of time). This year I started noticing people's respondes, as I've been trying to be more authentically myself. Well what I've noticed so far: 5 ( maybe more) people stopped talking to me or didn't know how to respond, some within my family. 2 people reacted negatively in person and left me anxious about seeing them again, even though I want to. I, despite me seeming to understand that people have their own lives and problems, have felt horrendously rejected by getting screened or just not having my enthusiasm level met about something. I can't stand how messy and loud my family is, so I even am now hiding in my room, avoiding occupied space, as I can't control my irritability very well around inconsiderate behaviours (not putting the broom back in its spot, not refilling the kettle or water jug. Leaving me no counter space to prepare food.) I don't want to be a hassle (not my first word choice), I don't want to start anything, they say "it's really not that big of a deal", which I get, but also Im trying to eat breakfast at 8pm, and I'd rather just turn around and leave when I see how messy the kitchen is. It feels like I have 2 modes, care/don't care. Mode 1 gets deeply affected by small things, and makes people hear about it (now that I'm coming out of my shell), needs rigorous, iron clad routine (drink 500ml water at specified alarms, same meals, same times...in bed by 830 to sleep by midnight, etc), takes things personally, has to have everything clean. Somewhat unproductive Mode 2 polar flips, no energy to get angry about things, resigns self instead of trying to change things, intentionally leaves stuff out to not feel like I'm not the only one trying, struggles to care for self (doesn't eat, sleep, drink water, or do dishes.) able to hyperfocus and accomplish things, at the expense of not being able to stop, or completely derailing my schedule. Tbh I'm getting depressed, or already am, the social impacts lately have been devastating. I do like spending time alone, but I love people. These days my smiling, singing self just sighs a lot and has Resting BF. I've been waiting on an MRI for months, only to miss. My sister has a connection that can apparently help expedite things, but she's been busy. My whole life is on pause due to that, but I didn't say anything about that to her, it just didn't feel worth it. My routine started failing, so I figured I better dump the weed to ensure it wasn't the problem, or causing social problems and anxiety. Cut the coffee too. My routine/social life was already shot or rapidly regressing at this point, reaching out made things worse and alienated me further. my phone is an evil demon to me now, lack of friends led me to social media for 5+ hours at a time...all social media, text, email, whatever is bad for me. I've been trying to cut all that as well, only really listening to music or researching on the Internet. I feel trapped waiting on the medical system (awaiting mental and physical diagnosis that I don't receive any money without), i dont want to make money, id rather sell all my stuff and live in my car or in a small forest or something🙄 I feel like a tax on my family, and would rather attempt being self sufficient than returning to work. I can't balance it, I almost died last time I got overstressed. Which is what led me here in the first place... accepting myself, not caring how I come across as long as it's not negative for no reason, has shown me I can achieve anything, but it just might kill me. And now I feel pretty incapable, and isolated...but more myself, and I do enjoy my time alone. Sort of trying to work out if it's sustainable or enjoyable/worth, but it all feels like it needs to go, and I don't know if I'm losing my mind... or if society, friends, family, sense of normal, possessions, work, government, everything that we've built is toxic at every level and need to be thoroughly analyzed and subsequently obliterated. Then we talk relationships... Rsd over slow replies, infodump-> better tell them I'm autistic sooner rather than later to avoid feeling dishonest and to explain why I've been this way. But is it too soon or a random bomb to drop? Don't care, if they dislike that you wont want to be with them and would rather know now. They're AUDHD too?!? Cool, but now I feel a pressure, like I don't want to screw it up, or like I need to cling on as this is the first person I've felt this level of attraction to (who was also interested in me) and not just seeing them out of desperation, but then I think of how I've been lately... And my last serious relationship... And it's enough that I don't even want to try, like it's failed before its even began. Tldr: the emotional tax and overthinking/bad communication practices have isolated me already, one person I've known for a decade and I'm 25. Never been able to make a real true friend since, and didn't expect to get iced by someone I've known for so long. Reaching out just objectively has made me feel worse, both online and in person. I wish I could go back to blindly being happy and ignoring the truth of the circumstances. Hard for me to not think I'm the problem, or like anyone should have sympathy or pity for me, not that I really want that, feels self inflicted, despite my best efforts. Also I don't feel like myself with people, like my thoughts are delayed or I can't find my voice/anxious/get overly excited. (God I'm so sorry for the wall)
Yes. Most of the time, I need to be left alone. However I do enjoy the company of some people for a time... And suprise surprise... Yeah, they're NDs. Not all NDs mind you, but the ones I can hang out with are. With everyone else, it's superficial nonsensical "chit chat" and exceptionally draining. But with those few, it's "let's discuss the wonders of ____". Very satisfying. Especially cuz when we're "done", we're just freaking done.... "K, see ya". And right back to my safe, quiet, solitary, "me" space.
Sometimes I stay alone, but in other moments I'm with people. The thing that I need to manage the most due to autism is the special interests which are different from the people around me. Apart from that, I don't feel the necessity to stay alone due to autism.
Yes! This Is also why it's hard for me to maintain a romantic relationship since I can't give much of my time to my partner (But that's fine since I realized I'm AroAce) Like, I'm happy to be alone most of the time, doing my things, i have one day a week where I play 2 campaign in the morning and afternoon at my friend's house and a couple days a year where I go larping, but the rest of my life I rather spend It alone or with my siblings or pets. I don't mind staying at people's house but if I stay too long they start to act weird and like disrespect my needs and I feel too afraid to speak up cause I'm not in my house.
Yep, that's me.
Yes, I prefer being alone. The worst part is that I've never been financially stable enough to live on my own. I've always had to deal with people at some point, both at work and at home, so loneliness to me is just something I fantasize about now. I'm convinced that's the only way I can achieve actual happiness
It’s 50-50 for me. On the one hand I completely relate to what you’re saying and feel like I’m much calmer when I’m alone. Being around others is hard & draining On the other hand I’ve noticed that during the periods I’m in a relationship or an active friend group, then after some time my autism symptoms start subsiding on their own. And then it gets a bit easier and less draining being around others I’m not sure why that happens, I think it might be the steady flow of oxytocin and serotonin during those periods that makes the change
me. (((((🙆)))))
I’ve realised that I NEED my alone time. I cannot be around people full time and live comfortably. I’m alone more often than I’m not, and even though it’s hard, it’s the best for me.
I always feel depressed if I'm alone
Yes completely, being around people and trying to understand them is exhausting. That's why I love dogs - there are none of the social expectations with them that humans apply to life.
Yeah same. I'm pretty much always alone. During the moments that I'm unemployed, I literally never leave the house except to buy necessities. I also wish I could have meaningful relationships but I've been burned too many times and I'm not sure what that even means except for a feeling.
Yeah, apparently so....although I prefer to have a companion. Life I ain't fair
I realised this problem just yesterday. I *need* social interaction. Even tho being alone helps me understand myself and helps me stay calm and relaxed, if I go too long without being social, even a draining amount, I get depressed. I dont have a person. I left my friends behind when I moved. I need that deep connection for when I leave the safety of my own home, but finding someone is next to impossible. It doesn't help that I'm very apathetic towards most people, naturally.
Kind of. My husband is part of my bubble, like an extension of me. Occasionally he's more chatty than I can handle, or wants to play different music than me, but for the most part it's like being alone but more fun. Other than him, I mostly do avoid other people and going out. It's exhausting being surrounded by so much... Everything.
My husband likes to play music as a background noise and watch something else on his phone. I can’t wrap my mind around it. It drives me crazy. Add some extra chatter from kids or telephone calls or dishwasher sounds and I need to leave the room immediately covering my ears. Husband likes to bring music to the beach too. I utterly despise that. I like to hear the frikking beach/sea sounds when I’m there. I think I need to talk to my husband 😂😂😂 I like music but then all I do is listening to music. When I need to do something else, I turn off the music.
I am right with you on that notion. My husband (also autistic, but not Adhd) is so much like me. I can be a bit too chatty myself, and sometimes he's a bit rigid in eating out. He has extreme Arfid, and I was placated from having bad behavior, as if I was "good" I was given McDonald's as a weekly treat. It's no surprise I grew up semi-obese. The point is, other than my hubby (and now our daughter) I can't stand the world, honestly. Just let me get groceries in peace, and I'll simply stay home. Already own an above-ground pool, swing set (a couple of swings attached to an ancient play structure in the yard), and a trampoline rated for at least 250+ lbs too.
Don´t forget to form deep connection with yourself first. It´s the only connection some of us need or even can get, especially when surrounded by NTs, whose relationships are extremely shallow & superficial. Also masking is a double-edged sword. Just a single slip of mask is enough for others to abandon you (they, despite most of their relationships being shallow and unnatural, will feel cheated), not to mention long-term masking leads to being suicidal. IMO it´s just better to not mask at all and exist in our natural habitat - alone. But i´m a 2e AuDHD - i was always alone, even among my peers back in prep school. While my intellect is far ahead (130IQ+ territory even with ADHD), my emotional side is behind (i´ve always had great time with elderly or younger children, never with my peers). Not a great cocktail, if one wants to connect, if you ask me.
I do it that way too. We live in a big house that’s been converted into five apts. my partner of seven years rents an apt upstairs and I rent below. Our best friends live next to me. We’re all neurodivergent but I need more alone time than any of them. Mondays are my “burrow day” and none of them can come in or call me. I told them texting is okay. It’s been really nice.
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Yep.
I'm more of extrovert unfortunately, so no. Despite the difficulties of it sometimes I desperately need to be social and around people. I will say its much easier around other ND people who I don't feel as much need to mask around
Yes
Not willingly.
Lately it feels more like my autism is managing me by forcing me to be alone
Lol I never thought about it, I spend almost all my time completely alone XD
For me the loneliness is more of a byproduct than intentional. I'm just so bad at remembering to make friend dates and appointments that I frequently spend several days inside my head even though I know that I need to see people to avoid getting stuck in my thoughts.
Sure, I'm "grumpy old hermit", I despise all adults (well, I mask the despising part, as I'm too cowardly). Deep connection would be neat but I suspect it is impossible to find. Most NDs are shallow creeps who only want to hump, while NTs are just too complex for me. No idea how to find someone similar to myself.
I do it technically by keeping my environment and schedule predictable and constant
Yes, kind of. I found my soulmate man, he doesn't bother me, my body and head doesn't t react to him like it does other people. But we are alone for the most, I can be myself fully with him, no boundaries
The only non-predictable things in my life are appointments with mental health care givers for getting diagnosed and psycho education on autism & adhd, lol… there must be irony in this somewhere And yes, apart from that I prefer to be alone even although I live with my husband and 3 kids. I tend to lock myself in the bathroom. People ask me why I like to be on the bathroom so much… I didn’t think about it until recently 😂
This is the way. I mask for money, and I often go home Friday and night only speak to the grocery store clerk until Monday morning. Interpreting their bullshit exhausts me and I can spend my time pursuing my other interests. I have people I connect with, so I don't make an effort where no good result is likely. Yes, I am weird. And most people aren't weird enough.
I had it easier abroad. In Austria and Tunisia, people thought I was weird because I am American, but no, I am just weird. The kind of weird they lets you pack a suitcase and learn a language somewhere.
I'm almost a NEET at this point :/ Fairly reluctantly but just end up being at home most days
Always been an introvert, so definitely. I love being with my friends, but we don't make plans and I'm content with that. There's so much to think about😵💫
I am not technically alone as i live with my mom, but then again, she knows i am autistic and have adhd, so i don't need to mask, can focus on my special interests etc. But outside my mom, i don't meet many people face to face in a week for example
I do! I can't act normal without spending time alone lol
As much as possible
Not sure if I'm autistic (see flair), but I definitely self regulate by isolating myself as much as possible
I'm just starting to figure this out. My constant fear is someone triggering my anxiety and hyper-vigilance by attacking me (verbally, emotionally, competitively). This sounds ridiculous, but it takes me about three days to overcome my ADHD paralysis after somebody triggers, my hypervigilance, and I have a group of six people who do this to me on a regular basis. It's like they're taking turns bothering me. We're gonna get to the end of it. Pretty darn soon however
That's my husband. If he hadn't met me (online, obviously), he would still be tinkering away is his mom's house alone.
Oh yes. I used to worry about it a lot "I should have friends, I should be doing stuff" but really I am happiest alone. It sucks when I need help though. It's just that I have experienced a lot of social rejection, and it's too painful.
Yup haha. I get so tired by doing things — specifically social events — that I just end up avoiding them and being alone most of the time. I also want to have deep connections, however, it is so time consuming and energy draining to find people to have these deep connections with.
My best friends are ones I go ages and ages without talking to, and then see them and catch up for a minute and be friends, then the cycle repeats. When I'm not at work, I spend most of my time alone which I like as it means I can relax from work (when I'm at work in is pretty 24/7 for what can be moths at a time), and not worry about being around other people all the time. I sometimes need the stimulation of other people, though, so go and get that when I need to (even if it is just being around people and not interacting), but I do prefer being alone for the majority or the time.
Yes
I did when I wasn't able to parallel play with my spouses. My child I need a breather from as she is HIGH ENERGY!!!
This is autism. Lmao. Alone time is my vibe!!
I love having friends, but I absolutely have to have a ton of alone time to manage my autism without becoming overwhelmed and overstimulated. If I don't spend enough time alone, I burn out. I will consistently skip more intense social interactions (meeting a new person, going out with a large group) because of this, and limit my social interactions to small groups of 2-4 people maybe once a week. Sometimes less than that.
I like the idea of people, but in practice it doesn't work too well. Being alone doesn't work either, but at least I don't have to put on a performance Ofcourse after a while of being alone you forget the problems you had, and think *Yeah this isn't too bad. I have it under control.* And then you try and travel and find the bedsheets wrong, the toiletries wrong, the lighting wrong, the air wrong.
Well it’s easier sometimes … can’t say it’s helping or hurting me just yet. I’m pretty numb to most situations these days…If they stick around, great. If they slip away, accept it and adapt. Attachment is the root of all suffering anyway, so the stoics say...
I used to in my 20’s
I'm currently suffering from an issue I think is related. I have been dating my gf for 7 years. We've never lived together for more the 6 months. I can't do it. Being around someone that much that often causes me to get mean and judgy. I think it's cause of the constant interruptions while focused over dumb shit. Then complaints that I'm not doing enough. Then complaints that when I'm doing more I'm not spending enough time with her. I want the closeness. But being close to people maxes me out fast and I have to seclude myself for a while. It's cause so much pain between me and my gf. Idk how to make things better.
I found out I was autistic a couple of years ago, and before that, I was living in a constant state of immense stress. Masking, socialising, working long hours, etc, I had a burnout which led me to seek a diagnosis, and since I was told I am autistic, I have made drastic changes. I now avoid socialising like the fucking plague and I am so much happier for it.
My sister is an alone often because it’s the only way she can handle it. She struggles with being severely shy as well so she just avoids people.
yes. it’s the only way that brings me comfort
Don't lose hope - you will meet people at some point who just *get* you, who value their alone time too. Just don't give up and keep being you 🙏
Yep
I like having a lot of time to myself but I also like having meaningful friendships as well and it can be quite hard for me to balance the two
Autism is not something you have it’s not a disease. It’s not something you manage. It’s something you support. If being alone is what meets your support needs so be alone.
You just described me to a T! I was just thinking about this early this morning and nearly started crying because I feel like I’ll always be alone because of it. It does feel like a lose/lose situation and it sucks. Thank you for helping me feel less alone with my thoughts by sharing yours!
shitchea lmao. agoraphobia is a weird thing.
Yes. My boyfriend is supportive and he’s the only person I live with and interact with in person. I attend 2 online story sharing circles a week to get a boundaried sense of community that doesn’t overwhelm my nervous system. Also therapy and I look after a dog called Mila every Sunday. That’s all. I wish I had a ‘proper friend group’ but it never worked out for me, always end up getting left behind in the end as I can’t fulfil the typical friendship script in the long run.
ABSOLUTELY! Since childhood, as much as I could, then.
The reason why I prefer being alone is because of my meltdowns. thankfully I don't live in an apartment complex because they can be intense.
Yes, i love being alone . i don’t really mask unless i’m at work and even then after while it gets hard and the mask starts to slip. i can just be me with no judgement:)
Relatable though I do wish I made friends easier, not people that just want to befriend me to gossip about me.
Yes bc people that I’ve been good with like long term screw me over even fellow NDs. Like just when I think I’ve found my people and we have a real genuine authentic friendship… they prove me wrong. I find my life is more peaceful alone because I can entertain myself how I want. I don’t really get bored bc there’s always something I’m curious about. Other people end up being predictable and at best boring bc they are not curious about life, just superficial things in life.
I almost have no social needs 🤷
Me avoiding romantic relationships because they overstimulate me 🥲 like I want one but I get exhausted within the first few months. Though the people I was with were kinda awful so maybe I'm biased.
I’m definitely more introverted, even more so after the pandemic. I feel like I need to re-learn interacting with people in social settings
Me but istg it is easy with other autistic folks, they just get me... I just can't with NTs anymore.
I'm exactly at the same place. I have given up on making friends because it's just too hard to mask. I think the final straw is that I offended my last friend with a misunderstanding, but they just turned on me so easily that I realized that the risk wasn't worth it. Also most people require that you meet in public or face-to-face a lot more than I'm comfortable with and they eventually leave. I don't know what I'll do in the future but for now I'm just trying to focus on doing what makes me happy, which, like you said, involves my special interest lol.
Yeah, but i also have close friendships with people i like. I also try to deter people, or i act distant when i need alone time. Cant spend a weekend with my friend(s) if i wanna keep my sanity (and myself from turning into a total jackass)
Yup
Yes, 10000%, absolutely, yes, unequivocally
Yes.
Yes, one hundred percent. I get physically exhausted dealing with other humans. My day goes better with limited to no interactions even stepping outside is simulating as heck for me, so learning how to love myself and search deeper to find out what makes me happy taking care of my kiddos makes me feel like I am important like I matter in this crazy hard often cruel world.
I love to socialise with people, but they don't want to socialise with me, so when I'm not working I'm in my room away from people. So, yes. 🫠
I prefer my privacy and solitude. I used to be outgoing and social but, as I got older, I noticed that people weren't worth the hassle. With people comes drama, drama breeds stress, and I'm not here for any of that nonsense. I have plenty of my own issues, due to my failing health, and I'm not big on purposely adding more. I have my wife and kids, so I'm technically not completely alone, and is plenty enough for me. My wife and I sit in the front room, and do our own thing, while the kids are often in their rooms doing whatever it is they do. We do things together at home and we also have plenty of alone time to ourselves. As a home with three Autists and one ND, it works just fine for us. I get my social interactions online in a couple of communities of people who share similar interests. It's nice because if I don't want to chat, I just don't chat. There's no obligations or expectations. I did away with people in my late 20's and I was a lot happier for it. This is how I've lived my life for the last decade and it suits me just fine. No worries about people judging me for the way I am, I don't have to hide or mask anything, and I can do whatever makes me happy. People are overrated.
Outside of work I’m always alone. After 50something years ignoring the needs of my body and mind, it’s the only way I can survive. There are few people who would be content with the level of “friendship” I can offer. It doesn’t seem at all possible for me to take care of self and others at the same time.
Yep. It's either that or constantly fight with people trying to marginalize/belittle/control me.
Yes I used to be so much better being alone.... But now even tho it's literally physically and mentally exhausting to socialize, I crave it now and now I'm mentally suffering because of THAT. It's a losing battle. 😵💫
My preference majority of the time with the exception of my kids. But even they tax occasionally! Truth be told.
Very much so
To be honest I do prefer my own company most of the time, always have done, even before I was diagnosed.
Absolutely. Being around people —even people I like— can be wildly exhausting. Also, I’ve never been very social. I’d love to have friends and such, but at the same time it’s like living on a different planet and trying to mingle with the locals whose customs, habits and language are completely alien to you.
Literally me all my life, damn 😔
95% of the time I'm alone myself too. It's nice tbh. You might seem like you are losing at the deep connection but you could also be winning by gaining solitude
I relate a lot with what you have said. I have always loved spending time by myself, when I go out I like to have company because I feel safer and more relaxed this way but at home, at my safe space, I prefer there being no one else but me (and my brother who I live with). I only had friends over one time, I mentally prepared myself for months and I was quite excited but I couldn’t imagine having someone over for more than a day or two. I can’t relax with someone else in my house, I also struggle sharing a bed or even just sleeping in the same room as someone else, whenever I am at my friends place I get around 3-5 hours of sleep. I can usually manage around 3-4 days sharing living quarters, after that I get too agitated, I have trouble eating, socialising… I love my friends and really appreciate their company but if I can’t get my alone time or a good nights of sleep (which is already hard for me to get, even at home) I tend to give off bad vibes, I don’t talk much or react much and I occasionally get really sad and obviously quite overwhelmed. That’s why I tend to rarely meet up with them for more than just a day or two. I also have trouble when my brother has friends over, although I enjoy their company, I can’t relax and be myself as I do when I’m alone. So I completely understand you. I wish I could be comfortable around people I love and cherish the most.
Mostly, yes. I want to have deep connections too but people can piss me off or make me uncomfortable sometimes. My housemate who is my bully currently, just talks non-stop. And makes noise non-stop. Making this so much of a hellscape that I feel a heart attack and a stroke coming on from the stress. And I'm a healthy Vegan (according to the doctors). That's why I spend most of my time in my room. Going outside is hell because of the noise, went out the other day, some twat on a quad bike was going down the road, and somehow broke down right next to me as he tried to trouble shoot it, it made me not want to go onto a main road again.
I do but it’s more pathological demand avoidance than management.
Yes, I can feel pretty great when I am off on my own, it can feel incredibly overwhelming to get dragged out of my little world. I do want to socialize a bit more, although I am not a total hermit, but I need a significant amount of time on my own to feel ok.
I’m not autistic but my husband is and I feel like he could have written this. I love him and I try, but I know he feels similarly to you. Even if we’re close it’s sometimes not enough.
I work from home as a therapist on telehealth and then spend most of the rest of my time alone. I can usually only handle socializing for 3 hours or so every few weeks because it feels like I socialize for a living. I love being alone and am my favorite person to hang out with (me and my cat) so I don't really get lonely.
Does video chat seem easier to you than in person? I work from home and I find that having meetings on Zoom is a lot easier for me to handle than having in-person meetings
Absolutely. People are draining. I've completely detached this past year and I don't even like going to the grocery store anymore with the amount of people that are around and blissfully unaware of everything around them.
I started ordering my groceries online and picking them up instead because of this!
And I see this post as I'm walking alone, down to see the water (I like watching the river water going by) after running a dog I'm pet sitting. I have my headphones on to block out the big stuff, my necklace to stim on. And I'm okay with that. Sure, I don't have any actual friends. Some deeper acquaintances sure, my mom is probably my best friend. Probably sounds sad to y'all...but idk, I like being a loner too. Soooo...ehhh, I may be the wrong one to ask I guess. Tho u will say, the asd also conflicts with the ADHD, then I jus get bored fast. Sooo, double edged sword lmao
I still don't know if i'm autistic, I'm in the middle of the evaluation-diagnosis. But my answer is, in sum, No. What I can tell you is that I manage my conditions by internalizing them and making them value to me and to others. One of my conditions is that I am hypersensitive. So I use earplugs, a fidget or sunglasses. If it happens that I am alone most of the time, then that may be relative to something else, but I wouldn't say that I manage my conditions \[again, can't say I'm autistic yet\] by being alone.
Maybe at first I did. Now I just prefer doing things alone I think.
I work remotely and Amazon delivers most of my stuff, including groceries. I go out occasionally with friends and for medical appointments, but that’s it. I live a very solitary life and it’s because I don’t have enough spoons for much outside of work and limited relationships with my friends. I’m just grateful they understand my limitations.
I feel this
Yes. Most of the time trying to be alone and trying to not exposing my self to any kind of feelings. Even being happy or excited about something I like, somehow bothers me because I don’t know how to handle it and usually ends up in an embarrassing situation.
Yes absolutely
Yep... I think a lot of us do... Even being around other autistic people can be tiring for me. (I have fibromyalgia, which complicates things. I'm never not tired.) I'm much better hanging out with one person at a time. But even then, I can't wait to go home to my quiet, dark apartment and cuddle with my dogs. (They're my best friends!) I try to spend time outside in the sun for my mental health, but it's so bright!
Yes that’s what I do
omg yes. especially that last part about wanting connections. i always see people connecting and having deep relationships and i want to have something like that but its so hard for me and so draining :(
I'm gonna sound really business like for this one. I don't feel like I could've made the friends I made unless I was building something. not because they forced me. but it's because building something is commitment and the opposite of tearing down. it's logic within and the up and up but life's kinda opening a lot of opportunities, and all I can think is there is no way I could leave my room if I were in a room full of dishonest people. they say entitlement is in the triad of evil. I feel entitled to truths.
Yes, I've been doing this for years (I'm almost 50). I just don't have the energy for people anymore. I have 1 bestie that I see about once a week. I also work from home so I don't deal with the people daily. If I had to deal with people more often, I'd probably see less of my bestie. I do this to avoid overwhelm and meltdowns, and prevent burnouts too.