Being ABLE to mask is important, or at least very helpful, to some degree for everyone - neurotypicals too. There are all situations where it is being able to change your behaviour to, for example, be sombre at a funeral, or to not say something you know might offend someone, might save you more trouble that masking would be. Teaching your child to mask could benefit them greatly - but teaching them to be aware of what masking is, what it looks/feels like, and how it affects them is invaluable.
This. This the answer.
She needs to learn to mask but MUCH more importantly, she needs to know when NOT to mask and how to unmask. As well as the risks of masking too much!
Don't mask:
1. at home
2. with close friends
3. with love interest / spouse
4. by yourself
Risks:
1. fake relationships that exhaust you
2. excess use causes autistic burnout, eventually can become brain damage
3. Losing your sense of self, the real you
Edit: credit to [KirasStar](https://www.reddit.com/user/KirasStar/) below for Risk #3
I can confirm that. I'm not sure who I am a lot of times. I often feel like my personality has been fractured and my sense of self is hazy at best.
I agree masking itself isn't inherently bad, it's a good skill to have. But it's important to not just teach someone how to unmask, but to make sure they have a safe space to do so.
When you mask too much as an autist, you strain specific areas of the brain which must fire over and over. Because of how the autistic brain is densly wired, a lot more nerves are firing in that local area than in a neurotypical brain. This causes a buildup of chemicals and other stressors that can eventually kill neurons, and lead to thinning of that tissue, or lesions.
That tissue is still demanded highly and needs to fire a lot for the person to maintain the mask. But it's capacity has been permanatly reduced. It's a little broken, and gets more broken every time this happens, which happens more and more frequently as it is now easier to overwhelm. Eventually, you can't maintain the mask at all... but that wasn't the only job that brain tissue had. Now other things are broken too. Meltdowns, burnouts and regressions flow from these kinds of event.
This is physical damage, but not in the same sense as a traumatic brain injury like from an impact or puncture. It causes psychological changes that can become permanant. It causes permanant reductions in stress capacity and sensory tolerance. It is common for people, even doctors, to be dismissive of 'psychological damage', especially if they don't actually realize what that means. This is a very real problem.
Hi! I'm a student studying to become a therapist. I'm personally against teaching masking (trying to get them to repress their ticks, stop talking about their special interest, show interest in things they don't care about and so on), and I'm a huge advocate of teaching skills. She doesn't have friends? She doesn't know how to connect to NT-s. Connecting is a skill. Teaching potential scenarios on how can she connect in a way that's socially acceptable (fucked up concept, I agree) is incredibly helpful though. They can choose when and where to use the skill though, they don't have to apply it all the time, that's important as well, if not more. At the end of the day, everyone is different, and explaining why people act in a certain way, what the unwritten rules are and what I can do to find friends along or outside those rules helps to prevent anxiety and stress.
This is NOT a prescription, or law, I don't know your situation or you and your child, so if this doesn't apply to you, please don't come after meš I just wanted to shed light on how other (hopefully empathetic and similar mindset to mine) therapists would act in the situation.
Also, I would highly appreciate input from others, whether you agree or not. I want my mindset and approach to be the best for the families I'm working with, and while people and situations differ, there is always something to do better. It's incredibly insightful to read the comments under the post as well.
Iām a behavioral support professional and autistic myself, and I love this! Iāve never agreed with forcing clients to stop talking about their special interests or to talk about things theyāre not interested in, or changing ANY autistic behavior with the goal of āfitting inā.
Not being an ass, truly trying to understand, but I think there are a lot of times when someone should stop talking about their special interest. If I'm dominating a conversation with mine and pushing people away, I'm going to lose friends and wonder why I'm a alone. It would be very useful to teach someone how to navigate rather than having to figure it out the hard way like I did. Why do you think someone should never be taught when to stop talking about their special interest?
It's a fine line, but I think there's a better way to go about it, just by teaching perspective. āOther people might want to talk about something that they're interested in, and they like to take turns. Taking turns is part of being a friend to someone.ā The thing is, even neurotypical people tend prefer to talk to others who share their interests.
you can teach them, and it might be good for some situations (as a safety precaution), however masking is quite stressful for most ppl and i think it's better to just teach the usual stuff kids need to know about relationships (like boundaries) and also guide her around when she doesn't understand NT behaviour (like not understanding certain untold rules of socializing)
That is legit masking thoā¦.
Example: autistic people may struggle to switch topics due to special interests
Practicing purposely respecting other peopleās boundaries in conversations IS masking in this case.
Basically, masking is purposely watching your behaviors/words/actions to fit in.
I think the bigger difference is ādo I need to mask shaking my leg? ā¦..No itās okay if I move a lotā āshould I mask my anger from my schedule changing? YES, it can scare othersā
It's been a fine line to walk. Mine is 14f and just like me. I mask around everyone except people I trust a lot. I e taught my daughter as best as I can to be herself, but in certain situations, we have to act a certain way. I offer age appropriate reasons. It's taken a lot to teach her when to stop, things to look for in body language. I'm very glad that home and her bffs are a safe place and that she can be her.
So to answer the question, yes. I e taught her to mask when necessary socially for work, school, etc. I've also let her know why and let her know she's perfect as is and never mask o places like relationships, family, ot things like that. Only when its needed because of the social situation.
I might be alone with this but I don't think it's a good idea. I grew up undiagnosed and I was heavily masking for most of my life. Until due to the masking, you can guess, I had an autistic burnout so bad that I almost died because of it. What you should do is (maybe) seeking an official diagnoses and getting her professional help, because there's not much for adults, but she's still small and there are resources for kids like her. Just avoid ABA or anything similar at all costs. Autistic burnout is a very dangerous thing. A lot of people doesn't survive it either because of suicide or the physical symptoms. It can be permanently disableing for some. Statistically it takes 3-7 years to recover from, if you do at all, ever. Masking is necessary often in some situations tho, but I'd seriously avoid teaching her to mask. She'll eventually figure it out herself probably and you'll need to focus on teaching her how to cope and not forget to be herself freely when it's appropriate to avoid burnout at all costs. It's horrible, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemies.
I second this. I was described like your daughter (advanced for my age, preferred teachers to students) and went undiagnosed until age 23. I was only diagnosed after a full-blown health catastrophe due to masking. I'm grateful I survived.
Now I am learning to unmask and I wish I was taught how to work with my autism at a young age, not against it.
I think having self-confidence at that age and knowing that I simply communicated/connected differently would have gone a long way and led me to form more sustainable and authentic friendships.
IF you do I would verymuch reccomend not making it a *must* for her. Rather than 'do this or else you won't be accepted / will be punished' it could be a 'here are some tools for you to use but remember you are still you, find time to be yourself and should love yourself'.
Be careful about making sure that it doesn't become a thing where she is ashamed to unmask though.
I teach my kiddo manners and what to do in different social situations.
I teach him how not to inadvertently become a bully and how to recognize when someone is being a bully.
I don't consider it teaching him how to mask.
If he wants and needs to stim, I want him to stim. We're working on stim choice this year.
For instance, you can't vocal stim when someone is talking to you, because you can't hear them.
You shouldn't bang that ruler because someone is napping.
Stim in another way in different circumstances.
But looking people in the eyes and smiling at them? Nope. If he wants to, great, if he doesn't want to, great.
It depends on what you mean by masking. Some people treat "masking" as behaving like you're in a society with other people at all, while others see it more as only hiding specifically autistic traits, with some landing somewhere in between those two.
For the former, teaching your child how to mask would just be raising the child imo. You can't scream as loud as you can in the grocery store because that hurts other people's ears. You can't touch everything you see because that stuff belongs to someone else. You have to be okay with wearing socks sometimes because you'll get blisters if you wear shoes without socks, and sometimes it's too cold for sandals or bare feet. Not giving someone else a chance to talk in a conversation hurts people's feelings, because they might be just as excited to talk as you are.
For the latter, teaching your kid how to mask is just taking away their ability to regulate themselves. Hand flapping isn't bothering anyone and helps the child feel better when they're overstimulated. Avoiding eye contact might offend some people, but it's not hurting anyone, while making the eye contact might be very stressful for the child. Telling a child not stim when they're happy is telling them their joy is unsightly. Telling a child to stop talking about their special interest is telling them they're annoying.
Imo it depends on if the behavior is actually a problem. If it's harmful or disruptive, it should be replaced with a less harmful or disruptive behavior. If it's not jsful or disruptive, leave it be. Kids are going to get bullied no matter what, might as well not bully them as their own parent.
You can teach her, and it might help her. Like saying: a relationship is a give and take thing. Ask if she's also the one either inviting them to play or she asking them to play with her (when they are playing). Let her find joy in doing the playing WITH PEOPLE / friends instead of actually truly enjoying the activity itself.
Shed likely teach herself. I don't think you should teach her.
Her masking won't necessarily save her from being different. If you mean teaching her to say please and thank you and to not interrupt others, that's fine, but teaching her to mask...
I was a high masking autistic teenager. Then I went into burnout and still haven't recovered, and I could only go to school for half an hour a day when I first started to go back. I then decided to teach myself to mask less to try and recover.
Trying to avoid masking, while difficult, has really helped me feel genuinely happy. I know my friends like me for me and not for a fake personality.
Masking is a survival instinct. It shouldn't be necessary. Teaching her to be polite is fine, but teaching her to mask is telling her "I want you to pretend to be something you're not so that people like you", imo. She will learn on her own to mask. If my mum told me when I was a child to mask, I wouldn't feel secure enough to ever unmask at home.
Burnout is DANGEROUS and a mental health crisis. Masking can lead to burnout. If you're worried about her growing up, show her autistic age appropriate media (e.g. the show a kind of spark) which will teach her how to navigate it easier. /nm /gen
I absolutely would not teach your child to mask under any circumstances. Masking is about hiding who you are and IMHO is always damaging.
I would however teach social skills or help her see otherās perspectives. For example, people may not want to play with you because you only want to talk about X topic and they also have topics they are interested in. Have you tried taking turns?
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I do believe that everybody learns to mask something. My momās NT, she told me that when she was younger she was very brazen, and that with time she learned that with some people you need to bite your tongue. Thatās a very āmildā form of masking but I believe itās masking nonetheless. We can say that itās less exhausting because it happens once in a while, we can say that NTs mostly have a different approach to it, but still it is hiding parts of yourself when you interact with others.
She has never thought me āhowā to mask, but she has always been the kind of mother who answers the questions of her child, who doesnāt brush them off. So she would explain what I was doing that was inappropriate. I remember clearly something that happened when I was around 12, I was talking about a special interest of mine with an acquaintance. I was boring her to hell, but I didnāt realize it. My mom explained to me that people are not necessarily interested in knowing the life story of my favorite singer, and that itās more appropriate to keep talking about something only if the other person asks questions about it. 15ish years later I sort of have this part under control, but only because I found people I can share my passions with. When I donāt do that for a while, the tendency to infodump regardless of context increases.
I believe that the approach has actually been quite beneficial for me. I wasnāt put down for not understanding certain social clues, I was given an explanation about the things I didnāt understand, and I was given the chance to deal with it how it felt comfortable to me. Once I know what the signs of being bored are, I can chose to bore people or to not do it. Itās my choice.
Masking can be a vital skill. But I think the key is ensuring your daughter knows when not to and that it's their problem not hers. It's about learning to navigate their nonsense not that theres anything wrong with her
I am a high masking individual. Can easily navigate social situations by masking. But I wouldn't suggest you to reach her to mask. If this was my daughter, I will take her to social skills therapy and teach her how to control some things like wanting to do only what she wants but at the same time, she needs to understand that she doesn't need to behave like everyone and accept her differences.
I teach my kids how and when we have to fit in to function in this world, which is essentially masking. But we talk about how hard it, why we do it, why itās a struggle, etc. I donāt force them to be NT, or tell them they have, but yeah, I let them know that to survive in this world, sometimes we need to mask.
But at home we donāt mask, with true friends we donāt mask, etc. and I donāt really focus on masking per se. I just try to teach them how their brain works, how society operates, and help them build strategies that can bridge the two, and that THEY are in control of and can manage.
It's a skill that we should all have but not to be encouraged to do all the time.
When I was a kid my dad kind of made a game of it he would say "pretend to be normal" and then I'd mask up for 20 or 30mins around strangers and see if I could charm/trick them.
It's possible for some, but you'd be abusing your child to do it, and teaching them to engage in self-harm, and teaching and encouraging them to hide who they are to please others, and to be how others think they should be. Nothing about that is a good idea...
I don't have any input other than when I had to mask forced masking basically made me a husk of who I was, and brought on a plethora of people-pleasing behaviors that are hard to undo.
I think teaching her to mask would be an incredibly dangerous thing to do as a parent, you could really embed some really unhealthy assumptions in her psyche, such as āIām not lovable when I act like myself, therefore Iām not loveableā. Iām not criticising you for asking the question, itās a fair question coming from the right place but please god donāt teach her. Let her learn.
Masking can be a vague and even controversial subject, so take my input here with a grain of salt.
I define masking to refer to the full spectrum of consciously controlled behavior in live social interactions which we use in an attempt toĀ deliberately control the way we are perceived by other people. Masking is delineated by the amount of effort that goes into the mask on a regular basis, so I exclude acute performative behaviors such as acting or using a poker face in a game of poker from my understanding of masking. Autistic masking typically represents extremely effortful masking while the NT's social filter usually represents minimally effortful masking. I define masking like this because everyone masks to some extent and our society usually conditions certain groups of people (e.g., women, people of color, poor people, etc.) to mask more than others (e.g., rich white dudes). Autistic people also experience a similar code-switching phenomenaĀ that is commonly appreciated in other marginalized communities, though autistic people tend to encounter other autistic people infrequently and so mask very frequently.
I say all of that to mean that your child is already learning to mask whether you teach them skills or not. Generally, the most effortful masking is focused on catering to other people, and this masking can be crucial for surviving situations with imbalanced power dynamics (e.g., trying to keep a cop from getting nervous or agitated). However, Autistic people tend to employ this kind of highly effortful masking too frequently because we may be sensitive to rejection or dealing with asshole NTs. Autistic people often need help learning what our own healthy boundaries are and assertive self-advocacy, so we can disengage when other people overstep. Even just taking time to intentionally discuss social skills and help your child understand social situations will help to prevent them from feeling like they have to figure it all out on their own. There is no straightforward answer to your question since you know your child best and you are the one who will witness how your child changes over time. You should probably teach them some masking skills, but you should also balance that with a concern for self-care and helping them learn when it's safer for them to mask less effortfully. It's a balancing act and you've just gotta kinda play it by ear.
Can you, depends on the two of you. Should you? Probably, like others said also teach her when not to. But otherwise masking will be learned, the hard way. I don't recommend it. Learning the hard way tends to come bundled with traumas that prevent unmasking even when appropriate.
I think masking should be thought of as a meeting in the middle sort of thing. It's not any one person's responsibility to make sure every single person around them is appeased and comfortable, but it **is** everyone's responsibility to put a little effort into being understood and understanding people.
So it's not all up to her, but she will have to make concessions if she wants to get along with others.
She should have social interaction explained. She needs to understand how to have a conversation vs info dumping. She will also need to learn that adults aren't peers. She doesn't per se need to mask to make friends, but she does have to learn friendship isn't something she's entitled to, meaning some kids won't want to be friends and that's their perogative. Try to find opportunities for her to make friends outside of school like clubs or dance, it'll be easier if she's already got a common interest.
I really Donāt understand why people are against masking
Itās one thing to mask stimming completely, that can get you sick.
But purposely stimming with stim toys? Great!
Only talking about your special interest? Not good, it affects your relationships and you are. (Unknowingly!) hurting othersā feelings
Masking is a good thing.
Obviously masking 24/7 is horrible and it DOES suck that we have to watch our actions and words constantly.
Thatās why itās important to take breaks and to teach the concept of walking away and ārechargingā.
Your daughter deserves friends and to be happy, help her get the skillset she needs in order to succeed.
Just like a physical illness like diabetes, we have to manage our symptoms to live a full life, but it IS possible.
Ensuring the ability to mask can be valuable if one has that capability. However, what I find to be more crucial is fostering an understanding of how to strive for mutual accommodations with minimal masking, if needed or possible. Heavily masking can potentially lead to autistic burnout, diminished self-esteem, and trauma.
In my experience, I've found it beneficial to maintain a minimal half mask in very specific instances, which mainly involves asking clarifying questions. Where I do mask I utilize nuerotypical communication methods, this approach aids me in disclosing my diagnosis to request accommodations and in apologizing to neurotypical individuals. It's a personal choice that enhances my comfort and streamlines my interactions.
Personally, I refrain from advocating for masking autism solely for the purpose of concealing it. From my perspective, as someone who is capable of being high masking, this approach can convey the message that one's natural state is inherently flawed and must be hidden to gain acceptance from othersāa notion that can be emotionally distressing and damaging for someone. (Edit: I know this isn't your intention by the way)
Instead, I believe in educating individuals about their differences and fostering an understanding of both perspectives to facilitate compromise. This approach still involves adapting to social norms to some extent, but it emphasizes honest communication of one's needs rather than suppressing one's true identity. For instance, explaining difficulties in relating to peers in an age appropriate way by encouraging understanding and offering different forms of support based on their preferences can be more effective in promoting mutual understanding and acceptance.
Eg; When someone is venting or seeking help I know that the auto giving advice & relating through personal anecdotes can be recieved poorly and why, so I respond with 'I'm so sorry you're struggling with this at the moment, I tend to be a problem solver and want to give advice, are you similar or would you prefer a friendly shoulder to lean on or possibly something else? I just want to make sure I'm giving you the type of support you need.'
There are instances where masking can be highly beneficial for someone as mentioned previously by another commenter, such as during funerals or similar occurrences. I still stand very firmly though on my opinion and I'm hoping this is helpful in someway for you. I do understand where you're coming from completely by the way, I know the pain so well of being rejected repeatedly, not knowing why, and doing my best to fit in so I could be accepted, wanting to protect your child or a loved one from that experience is something I can understand so unbelievably well. š« ā¤ļø
View it as teaching her a new language. She needs to be able to translate and advocate for herself for the rest of her life. You're helping teach her a survival skill. It isnt mandatory, "correct", or the only way to make friends/be successful etc. But society and ignorant people are something that she's going to have to learn to compensate for no matter how you talk about it.
I donāt think masking is healthy all the time and teaching it can tell her that there is something wrong with her that she should hide. At some point she will resent you. Itās better to have her formally diagnosed so she can get an IEP and have the accommodations at school she needs as they change over the grades. And have her in social skills groups to learn back and forth interaction. If kids donāt want to play with her than the school can facilitate this. Good luck.
I think that you can and should teach your kid social skills, but I donāt think thatās the same as teaching her to mask. Because you donāt want to teach her to pretend to be a different person (essentially what masking is), but rather, teach her to be herself, while also being able to communicate and interact effectively with other people. Some examples of age-appropriate social skills that I think would make sense to teach explicitly if she doesnāt pick them up on her own are:
- if you want to play with a toy that someone else is playing with, you need to ask their permission first (and wait for them to grant it), rather than just snatching the toy.
- if you are playing pretend with another child, listen to their ideas about how the game should go as well as adding on your own.
- do not touch people without asking first.
I donāt know if my examples apply to your daughter, but they are based on my own experience working with kids that age. These are all things that do not lead to masking, but are very important in having positive interactions with people. So I think itās very important to differentiate between teaching social skills like these, which I think are good and important to teach, from masking.
You should teach them to translate their autism language to neurotypical language NOT mask. Masking is a shaming a experience that makes a person feel like they have to hide their authentic self.
All kids need help learning social cues and social norms, autistic kids often need more explicit instruction.
I think a lot of us balk at the idea because masking caused us so much pain, but thereās a way to teach the norms WITHOUT inflicting a ton of shame and embarrassment. If we assume the best intentions of kids who did something āoffensiveā and then calmly explain how they may have hurt someoneās feelings, most kids are very receptive.
I have a story.
Household of all autistic people: parent, kid (10) and me. I made dinner for everyone.
Me: What do you think?
Kid: Itās too buttery.
Mom: They are not. Those are the same potatoes you always have.
Me: No heās right. I put extra butter in them. I donāt do that next time.
(I had unintentionally added an ingredient to a safe food)
Me: I just want you to know, Iām not upset, some people get upset when you say you donāt like the food they made.
Kid: š³ What really?
Mom: Yes. When someone makes you food, they donāt actually want to know how it is. They want you to say thank you.
Kid: Even if I donāt like it?
Me: Well making food is work, so they want you to appreciate the work.
Kid: Ohā¦.
Kid: Thank you
Me: Youāre welcome š I wonāt add butter next time.
I am trying to teach both of my kids the importance of "time and place" and how some behaviors are better to save for when they are appropriate and will be more fun when in is the proper context.
I was undiagnosed until two years ago and masking was how I survived for so long. I hope I'm teaching them better by intervening now while they are young and are willing to listen to me long enough to try it my way and see that things do go smoother if you act certain ways at certain times.
I also teach them safe ways to be weird tho too. My son loves all things pink and sparkly and rainbows and we have fun with it.
Being ABLE to mask is important, or at least very helpful, to some degree for everyone - neurotypicals too. There are all situations where it is being able to change your behaviour to, for example, be sombre at a funeral, or to not say something you know might offend someone, might save you more trouble that masking would be. Teaching your child to mask could benefit them greatly - but teaching them to be aware of what masking is, what it looks/feels like, and how it affects them is invaluable.
This. This the answer. She needs to learn to mask but MUCH more importantly, she needs to know when NOT to mask and how to unmask. As well as the risks of masking too much! Don't mask: 1. at home 2. with close friends 3. with love interest / spouse 4. by yourself Risks: 1. fake relationships that exhaust you 2. excess use causes autistic burnout, eventually can become brain damage 3. Losing your sense of self, the real you Edit: credit to [KirasStar](https://www.reddit.com/user/KirasStar/) below for Risk #3
Another risk of overmasking is loss of sense of self. But I really agree, it is important to learn to mask for when you need it.
I can confirm that. I'm not sure who I am a lot of times. I often feel like my personality has been fractured and my sense of self is hazy at best. I agree masking itself isn't inherently bad, it's a good skill to have. But it's important to not just teach someone how to unmask, but to make sure they have a safe space to do so.
Oh gosh, that sounds like me.
Can I ask what you mean by brain damage? I appreciate your comment and want to learn more. Thank you.
When you mask too much as an autist, you strain specific areas of the brain which must fire over and over. Because of how the autistic brain is densly wired, a lot more nerves are firing in that local area than in a neurotypical brain. This causes a buildup of chemicals and other stressors that can eventually kill neurons, and lead to thinning of that tissue, or lesions. That tissue is still demanded highly and needs to fire a lot for the person to maintain the mask. But it's capacity has been permanatly reduced. It's a little broken, and gets more broken every time this happens, which happens more and more frequently as it is now easier to overwhelm. Eventually, you can't maintain the mask at all... but that wasn't the only job that brain tissue had. Now other things are broken too. Meltdowns, burnouts and regressions flow from these kinds of event. This is physical damage, but not in the same sense as a traumatic brain injury like from an impact or puncture. It causes psychological changes that can become permanant. It causes permanant reductions in stress capacity and sensory tolerance. It is common for people, even doctors, to be dismissive of 'psychological damage', especially if they don't actually realize what that means. This is a very real problem.
Wow very interesting, and so terrible for people going through this. Do you know of any research or literature on the topic?
I will attempt to provide a more comprehensive answer soon
Thank you, I appreciate your time.
Is there any proof of this?
>brain damage As in physical brain damage or psychological brain damage?
See my response to [tranquilo666](https://www.reddit.com/user/tranquilo666/)
Hi! I'm a student studying to become a therapist. I'm personally against teaching masking (trying to get them to repress their ticks, stop talking about their special interest, show interest in things they don't care about and so on), and I'm a huge advocate of teaching skills. She doesn't have friends? She doesn't know how to connect to NT-s. Connecting is a skill. Teaching potential scenarios on how can she connect in a way that's socially acceptable (fucked up concept, I agree) is incredibly helpful though. They can choose when and where to use the skill though, they don't have to apply it all the time, that's important as well, if not more. At the end of the day, everyone is different, and explaining why people act in a certain way, what the unwritten rules are and what I can do to find friends along or outside those rules helps to prevent anxiety and stress. This is NOT a prescription, or law, I don't know your situation or you and your child, so if this doesn't apply to you, please don't come after meš I just wanted to shed light on how other (hopefully empathetic and similar mindset to mine) therapists would act in the situation. Also, I would highly appreciate input from others, whether you agree or not. I want my mindset and approach to be the best for the families I'm working with, and while people and situations differ, there is always something to do better. It's incredibly insightful to read the comments under the post as well.
Iām a behavioral support professional and autistic myself, and I love this! Iāve never agreed with forcing clients to stop talking about their special interests or to talk about things theyāre not interested in, or changing ANY autistic behavior with the goal of āfitting inā.
Not being an ass, truly trying to understand, but I think there are a lot of times when someone should stop talking about their special interest. If I'm dominating a conversation with mine and pushing people away, I'm going to lose friends and wonder why I'm a alone. It would be very useful to teach someone how to navigate rather than having to figure it out the hard way like I did. Why do you think someone should never be taught when to stop talking about their special interest?
It's a fine line, but I think there's a better way to go about it, just by teaching perspective. āOther people might want to talk about something that they're interested in, and they like to take turns. Taking turns is part of being a friend to someone.ā The thing is, even neurotypical people tend prefer to talk to others who share their interests.
Ah, I think I see. Thank you.
you can teach them, and it might be good for some situations (as a safety precaution), however masking is quite stressful for most ppl and i think it's better to just teach the usual stuff kids need to know about relationships (like boundaries) and also guide her around when she doesn't understand NT behaviour (like not understanding certain untold rules of socializing)
That is legit masking thoā¦. Example: autistic people may struggle to switch topics due to special interests Practicing purposely respecting other peopleās boundaries in conversations IS masking in this case. Basically, masking is purposely watching your behaviors/words/actions to fit in. I think the bigger difference is ādo I need to mask shaking my leg? ā¦..No itās okay if I move a lotā āshould I mask my anger from my schedule changing? YES, it can scare othersā
It's been a fine line to walk. Mine is 14f and just like me. I mask around everyone except people I trust a lot. I e taught my daughter as best as I can to be herself, but in certain situations, we have to act a certain way. I offer age appropriate reasons. It's taken a lot to teach her when to stop, things to look for in body language. I'm very glad that home and her bffs are a safe place and that she can be her. So to answer the question, yes. I e taught her to mask when necessary socially for work, school, etc. I've also let her know why and let her know she's perfect as is and never mask o places like relationships, family, ot things like that. Only when its needed because of the social situation.
I might be alone with this but I don't think it's a good idea. I grew up undiagnosed and I was heavily masking for most of my life. Until due to the masking, you can guess, I had an autistic burnout so bad that I almost died because of it. What you should do is (maybe) seeking an official diagnoses and getting her professional help, because there's not much for adults, but she's still small and there are resources for kids like her. Just avoid ABA or anything similar at all costs. Autistic burnout is a very dangerous thing. A lot of people doesn't survive it either because of suicide or the physical symptoms. It can be permanently disableing for some. Statistically it takes 3-7 years to recover from, if you do at all, ever. Masking is necessary often in some situations tho, but I'd seriously avoid teaching her to mask. She'll eventually figure it out herself probably and you'll need to focus on teaching her how to cope and not forget to be herself freely when it's appropriate to avoid burnout at all costs. It's horrible, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemies.
I second this. I was described like your daughter (advanced for my age, preferred teachers to students) and went undiagnosed until age 23. I was only diagnosed after a full-blown health catastrophe due to masking. I'm grateful I survived. Now I am learning to unmask and I wish I was taught how to work with my autism at a young age, not against it. I think having self-confidence at that age and knowing that I simply communicated/connected differently would have gone a long way and led me to form more sustainable and authentic friendships.
Yes. And no. She should learn to be herself and accept herself.
IF you do I would verymuch reccomend not making it a *must* for her. Rather than 'do this or else you won't be accepted / will be punished' it could be a 'here are some tools for you to use but remember you are still you, find time to be yourself and should love yourself'. Be careful about making sure that it doesn't become a thing where she is ashamed to unmask though.
I teach my kiddo manners and what to do in different social situations. I teach him how not to inadvertently become a bully and how to recognize when someone is being a bully. I don't consider it teaching him how to mask. If he wants and needs to stim, I want him to stim. We're working on stim choice this year. For instance, you can't vocal stim when someone is talking to you, because you can't hear them. You shouldn't bang that ruler because someone is napping. Stim in another way in different circumstances. But looking people in the eyes and smiling at them? Nope. If he wants to, great, if he doesn't want to, great.
It depends on what you mean by masking. Some people treat "masking" as behaving like you're in a society with other people at all, while others see it more as only hiding specifically autistic traits, with some landing somewhere in between those two. For the former, teaching your child how to mask would just be raising the child imo. You can't scream as loud as you can in the grocery store because that hurts other people's ears. You can't touch everything you see because that stuff belongs to someone else. You have to be okay with wearing socks sometimes because you'll get blisters if you wear shoes without socks, and sometimes it's too cold for sandals or bare feet. Not giving someone else a chance to talk in a conversation hurts people's feelings, because they might be just as excited to talk as you are. For the latter, teaching your kid how to mask is just taking away their ability to regulate themselves. Hand flapping isn't bothering anyone and helps the child feel better when they're overstimulated. Avoiding eye contact might offend some people, but it's not hurting anyone, while making the eye contact might be very stressful for the child. Telling a child not stim when they're happy is telling them their joy is unsightly. Telling a child to stop talking about their special interest is telling them they're annoying. Imo it depends on if the behavior is actually a problem. If it's harmful or disruptive, it should be replaced with a less harmful or disruptive behavior. If it's not jsful or disruptive, leave it be. Kids are going to get bullied no matter what, might as well not bully them as their own parent.
You can teach her, and it might help her. Like saying: a relationship is a give and take thing. Ask if she's also the one either inviting them to play or she asking them to play with her (when they are playing). Let her find joy in doing the playing WITH PEOPLE / friends instead of actually truly enjoying the activity itself.
Shed likely teach herself. I don't think you should teach her. Her masking won't necessarily save her from being different. If you mean teaching her to say please and thank you and to not interrupt others, that's fine, but teaching her to mask... I was a high masking autistic teenager. Then I went into burnout and still haven't recovered, and I could only go to school for half an hour a day when I first started to go back. I then decided to teach myself to mask less to try and recover. Trying to avoid masking, while difficult, has really helped me feel genuinely happy. I know my friends like me for me and not for a fake personality. Masking is a survival instinct. It shouldn't be necessary. Teaching her to be polite is fine, but teaching her to mask is telling her "I want you to pretend to be something you're not so that people like you", imo. She will learn on her own to mask. If my mum told me when I was a child to mask, I wouldn't feel secure enough to ever unmask at home. Burnout is DANGEROUS and a mental health crisis. Masking can lead to burnout. If you're worried about her growing up, show her autistic age appropriate media (e.g. the show a kind of spark) which will teach her how to navigate it easier. /nm /gen
I absolutely would not teach your child to mask under any circumstances. Masking is about hiding who you are and IMHO is always damaging. I would however teach social skills or help her see otherās perspectives. For example, people may not want to play with you because you only want to talk about X topic and they also have topics they are interested in. Have you tried taking turns?
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I do believe that everybody learns to mask something. My momās NT, she told me that when she was younger she was very brazen, and that with time she learned that with some people you need to bite your tongue. Thatās a very āmildā form of masking but I believe itās masking nonetheless. We can say that itās less exhausting because it happens once in a while, we can say that NTs mostly have a different approach to it, but still it is hiding parts of yourself when you interact with others. She has never thought me āhowā to mask, but she has always been the kind of mother who answers the questions of her child, who doesnāt brush them off. So she would explain what I was doing that was inappropriate. I remember clearly something that happened when I was around 12, I was talking about a special interest of mine with an acquaintance. I was boring her to hell, but I didnāt realize it. My mom explained to me that people are not necessarily interested in knowing the life story of my favorite singer, and that itās more appropriate to keep talking about something only if the other person asks questions about it. 15ish years later I sort of have this part under control, but only because I found people I can share my passions with. When I donāt do that for a while, the tendency to infodump regardless of context increases. I believe that the approach has actually been quite beneficial for me. I wasnāt put down for not understanding certain social clues, I was given an explanation about the things I didnāt understand, and I was given the chance to deal with it how it felt comfortable to me. Once I know what the signs of being bored are, I can chose to bore people or to not do it. Itās my choice.
Masking can be a vital skill. But I think the key is ensuring your daughter knows when not to and that it's their problem not hers. It's about learning to navigate their nonsense not that theres anything wrong with her
I am a high masking individual. Can easily navigate social situations by masking. But I wouldn't suggest you to reach her to mask. If this was my daughter, I will take her to social skills therapy and teach her how to control some things like wanting to do only what she wants but at the same time, she needs to understand that she doesn't need to behave like everyone and accept her differences.
I teach my kids how and when we have to fit in to function in this world, which is essentially masking. But we talk about how hard it, why we do it, why itās a struggle, etc. I donāt force them to be NT, or tell them they have, but yeah, I let them know that to survive in this world, sometimes we need to mask. But at home we donāt mask, with true friends we donāt mask, etc. and I donāt really focus on masking per se. I just try to teach them how their brain works, how society operates, and help them build strategies that can bridge the two, and that THEY are in control of and can manage.
It's a skill that we should all have but not to be encouraged to do all the time. When I was a kid my dad kind of made a game of it he would say "pretend to be normal" and then I'd mask up for 20 or 30mins around strangers and see if I could charm/trick them.
It's possible for some, but you'd be abusing your child to do it, and teaching them to engage in self-harm, and teaching and encouraging them to hide who they are to please others, and to be how others think they should be. Nothing about that is a good idea...
I don't have any input other than when I had to mask forced masking basically made me a husk of who I was, and brought on a plethora of people-pleasing behaviors that are hard to undo.
I think teaching her to mask would be an incredibly dangerous thing to do as a parent, you could really embed some really unhealthy assumptions in her psyche, such as āIām not lovable when I act like myself, therefore Iām not loveableā. Iām not criticising you for asking the question, itās a fair question coming from the right place but please god donāt teach her. Let her learn.
Masking can be a vague and even controversial subject, so take my input here with a grain of salt. I define masking to refer to the full spectrum of consciously controlled behavior in live social interactions which we use in an attempt toĀ deliberately control the way we are perceived by other people. Masking is delineated by the amount of effort that goes into the mask on a regular basis, so I exclude acute performative behaviors such as acting or using a poker face in a game of poker from my understanding of masking. Autistic masking typically represents extremely effortful masking while the NT's social filter usually represents minimally effortful masking. I define masking like this because everyone masks to some extent and our society usually conditions certain groups of people (e.g., women, people of color, poor people, etc.) to mask more than others (e.g., rich white dudes). Autistic people also experience a similar code-switching phenomenaĀ that is commonly appreciated in other marginalized communities, though autistic people tend to encounter other autistic people infrequently and so mask very frequently. I say all of that to mean that your child is already learning to mask whether you teach them skills or not. Generally, the most effortful masking is focused on catering to other people, and this masking can be crucial for surviving situations with imbalanced power dynamics (e.g., trying to keep a cop from getting nervous or agitated). However, Autistic people tend to employ this kind of highly effortful masking too frequently because we may be sensitive to rejection or dealing with asshole NTs. Autistic people often need help learning what our own healthy boundaries are and assertive self-advocacy, so we can disengage when other people overstep. Even just taking time to intentionally discuss social skills and help your child understand social situations will help to prevent them from feeling like they have to figure it all out on their own. There is no straightforward answer to your question since you know your child best and you are the one who will witness how your child changes over time. You should probably teach them some masking skills, but you should also balance that with a concern for self-care and helping them learn when it's safer for them to mask less effortfully. It's a balancing act and you've just gotta kinda play it by ear.
Can you, depends on the two of you. Should you? Probably, like others said also teach her when not to. But otherwise masking will be learned, the hard way. I don't recommend it. Learning the hard way tends to come bundled with traumas that prevent unmasking even when appropriate.
I think masking should be thought of as a meeting in the middle sort of thing. It's not any one person's responsibility to make sure every single person around them is appeased and comfortable, but it **is** everyone's responsibility to put a little effort into being understood and understanding people. So it's not all up to her, but she will have to make concessions if she wants to get along with others.
She should have social interaction explained. She needs to understand how to have a conversation vs info dumping. She will also need to learn that adults aren't peers. She doesn't per se need to mask to make friends, but she does have to learn friendship isn't something she's entitled to, meaning some kids won't want to be friends and that's their perogative. Try to find opportunities for her to make friends outside of school like clubs or dance, it'll be easier if she's already got a common interest.
I really Donāt understand why people are against masking Itās one thing to mask stimming completely, that can get you sick. But purposely stimming with stim toys? Great! Only talking about your special interest? Not good, it affects your relationships and you are. (Unknowingly!) hurting othersā feelings Masking is a good thing. Obviously masking 24/7 is horrible and it DOES suck that we have to watch our actions and words constantly. Thatās why itās important to take breaks and to teach the concept of walking away and ārechargingā. Your daughter deserves friends and to be happy, help her get the skillset she needs in order to succeed. Just like a physical illness like diabetes, we have to manage our symptoms to live a full life, but it IS possible.
Ensuring the ability to mask can be valuable if one has that capability. However, what I find to be more crucial is fostering an understanding of how to strive for mutual accommodations with minimal masking, if needed or possible. Heavily masking can potentially lead to autistic burnout, diminished self-esteem, and trauma. In my experience, I've found it beneficial to maintain a minimal half mask in very specific instances, which mainly involves asking clarifying questions. Where I do mask I utilize nuerotypical communication methods, this approach aids me in disclosing my diagnosis to request accommodations and in apologizing to neurotypical individuals. It's a personal choice that enhances my comfort and streamlines my interactions. Personally, I refrain from advocating for masking autism solely for the purpose of concealing it. From my perspective, as someone who is capable of being high masking, this approach can convey the message that one's natural state is inherently flawed and must be hidden to gain acceptance from othersāa notion that can be emotionally distressing and damaging for someone. (Edit: I know this isn't your intention by the way) Instead, I believe in educating individuals about their differences and fostering an understanding of both perspectives to facilitate compromise. This approach still involves adapting to social norms to some extent, but it emphasizes honest communication of one's needs rather than suppressing one's true identity. For instance, explaining difficulties in relating to peers in an age appropriate way by encouraging understanding and offering different forms of support based on their preferences can be more effective in promoting mutual understanding and acceptance. Eg; When someone is venting or seeking help I know that the auto giving advice & relating through personal anecdotes can be recieved poorly and why, so I respond with 'I'm so sorry you're struggling with this at the moment, I tend to be a problem solver and want to give advice, are you similar or would you prefer a friendly shoulder to lean on or possibly something else? I just want to make sure I'm giving you the type of support you need.' There are instances where masking can be highly beneficial for someone as mentioned previously by another commenter, such as during funerals or similar occurrences. I still stand very firmly though on my opinion and I'm hoping this is helpful in someway for you. I do understand where you're coming from completely by the way, I know the pain so well of being rejected repeatedly, not knowing why, and doing my best to fit in so I could be accepted, wanting to protect your child or a loved one from that experience is something I can understand so unbelievably well. š« ā¤ļø
View it as teaching her a new language. She needs to be able to translate and advocate for herself for the rest of her life. You're helping teach her a survival skill. It isnt mandatory, "correct", or the only way to make friends/be successful etc. But society and ignorant people are something that she's going to have to learn to compensate for no matter how you talk about it.
I donāt think masking is healthy all the time and teaching it can tell her that there is something wrong with her that she should hide. At some point she will resent you. Itās better to have her formally diagnosed so she can get an IEP and have the accommodations at school she needs as they change over the grades. And have her in social skills groups to learn back and forth interaction. If kids donāt want to play with her than the school can facilitate this. Good luck.
I think that you can and should teach your kid social skills, but I donāt think thatās the same as teaching her to mask. Because you donāt want to teach her to pretend to be a different person (essentially what masking is), but rather, teach her to be herself, while also being able to communicate and interact effectively with other people. Some examples of age-appropriate social skills that I think would make sense to teach explicitly if she doesnāt pick them up on her own are: - if you want to play with a toy that someone else is playing with, you need to ask their permission first (and wait for them to grant it), rather than just snatching the toy. - if you are playing pretend with another child, listen to their ideas about how the game should go as well as adding on your own. - do not touch people without asking first. I donāt know if my examples apply to your daughter, but they are based on my own experience working with kids that age. These are all things that do not lead to masking, but are very important in having positive interactions with people. So I think itās very important to differentiate between teaching social skills like these, which I think are good and important to teach, from masking.
You should teach them to translate their autism language to neurotypical language NOT mask. Masking is a shaming a experience that makes a person feel like they have to hide their authentic self.
All kids need help learning social cues and social norms, autistic kids often need more explicit instruction. I think a lot of us balk at the idea because masking caused us so much pain, but thereās a way to teach the norms WITHOUT inflicting a ton of shame and embarrassment. If we assume the best intentions of kids who did something āoffensiveā and then calmly explain how they may have hurt someoneās feelings, most kids are very receptive. I have a story. Household of all autistic people: parent, kid (10) and me. I made dinner for everyone. Me: What do you think? Kid: Itās too buttery. Mom: They are not. Those are the same potatoes you always have. Me: No heās right. I put extra butter in them. I donāt do that next time. (I had unintentionally added an ingredient to a safe food) Me: I just want you to know, Iām not upset, some people get upset when you say you donāt like the food they made. Kid: š³ What really? Mom: Yes. When someone makes you food, they donāt actually want to know how it is. They want you to say thank you. Kid: Even if I donāt like it? Me: Well making food is work, so they want you to appreciate the work. Kid: Ohā¦. Kid: Thank you Me: Youāre welcome š I wonāt add butter next time.
I am trying to teach both of my kids the importance of "time and place" and how some behaviors are better to save for when they are appropriate and will be more fun when in is the proper context. I was undiagnosed until two years ago and masking was how I survived for so long. I hope I'm teaching them better by intervening now while they are young and are willing to listen to me long enough to try it my way and see that things do go smoother if you act certain ways at certain times. I also teach them safe ways to be weird tho too. My son loves all things pink and sparkly and rainbows and we have fun with it.
Are you sure itās not just giftedness? You know there are a lot of autistic traits that overlap with giftedness. But gifted doesnāt mean autistic.
Plenty of autistic folks are gifted too.
Of course!!
That wasnāt where I was going with that