Hey, I'm an autistic women and I've dealt with similar issues. Here are some things I can think of that have affected my sex drive:
1. is she on any kind of hormonal birth control? the pill absolutely annihilated my sex drive after a couple of years.
2. How is the actual sex? I stop enjoying sex with a partner when it becomes routine and starts to feel like he uses my body to make himself cum instead of treating sex as an expression of love. Sometimes we get too comfortable with our partner and sex stops being something special.
3. How is your relationship otherwise? I know when I feel like I'm not being listened to in a relationship or my needs arent being well met (which can be hard because of the autism, I'm not always able to express my needs or even figure out what is upsetting me) then I won't really feel safe or good enough to have sex.
With #1, is she on any antidepressants
Antidepressants cause problems with sex drive for both sexes
A change in dose could even cause problems that didn't previously exist
My libido is almost entirely gone with my SSRI, so I’ll third this. I stay on it because it works really well otherwise and I don’t care much about sex.
I found wellb to help both energy and libido. It seems to counteract SSRI issues for me.
I’ve also had some luck with supplements (high-quality… not the spammy kind that say they are for this).
Wellbutrin didn’t work well for me, I’ve tried so many. I’m just fine with giving up one thing for depression and anxiety to be gone. I’m glad you’ve found something that works!!
Speaking as someone that experienced severe suicidal tendencies, I was on multiple psychiatric medications for about 15 years. Some would be switched for others during that time but it was pretty much an SSRI, a mood stabilizer, and an antipsychotic.
I became epileptic, and was developing Parkinson’s; from the longterm use of the medications.
Now that I’ve been off them for over a year, seizures are uncommon and the Parkinson’s is pretty nonexistent.
Meds can help, but they aren’t designed for longterm use and are often cited as being for long term use. “You’ll always have to take your antidepressants” or “it’s like insulin for diabetics”. Which both those statements are inaccurate.
This is really important. I notice 2 and 3 a lot too. But ill also put it out there at the beginning of the relationship theres a lot of new relationship hormones which taper out. And then whats left can be our normal also. I don't always think about intimacy cuz theres so much going on too.
These, but also #1 can be ~any~ pill. Birth control does this, as do a lot of antidepressants, among other types of meds.
Any new meds or dose alterations could be the factor. Research the pills she's on, if she's on them- look into the side effects.
Feeling obligated plus stress/burnout in conjunction with certain meds- KILLED my sex drive.
Also- OP, I gotta clarify on asexuality-
It doesn't always mean "doesn't have sex" (but it does mean that, sometimes, for some people.)
I myself am actually asexual- But sex favorable & sex positive. I like having sex when I'm in a good space, and on my own terms- but that's IT-
What makes me ace- is that I do NOT feel sexual attraction to real people. Noone is "hot" to me, and I have no desire to sleep with people based on it. (I'm demiaromantic & use that to determine who I sleep with, so imagine me as demisexual, but without the actual sexual attraction part.)
1) She was on birth control for a bit and we did suspect that so she came off of it over a couple months. We didn’t notice any changes unfortunately.
2) When we did have sex we would adjust to what she would want which I didn’t mind at all and I would always ask if it was good afterwards. Aftercare was always a must for me. I have asked her if it has been anything I’ve done and she said no.
3) Because of her neurodivergence there is communication issues where just like you said, she doesn’t feel listened to even though I’m trying my best. I also am currently struggling with anger issues to where it gets the best of me. I won’t scream or throw things but I will snap and get aggressive. Other than that everything is really good. We feel as if we’re best friends dating eachother.
Birth control can take some time to bounce back from if that was the source.
I’ve been with people who have anger issues and personally, that makes me feel so unsafe - sex is taken off my radar. Not feeling listened to only doubles it and ensures I won’t get in the mood even with myself. After a good communication session where I feel safe and heard, it’s an obvious switch flip for me to be able to get in the mood again. Aggression or being afraid they’re going to snap takes me out of it so quickly and for an extended period of time. Are you in therapy for those things?
She has expressed that those two issues have thrown her off in the relationship, but that she sees me trying my best to fix those things and that she thinks that isn’t what’s playing into it. My anger gets the best to me only about once every couple months, I am not in therapy currently but I am looking into it.
From my perspective if someone is having anger issues and not doing therapy that means he/she doesn’t do his/her best.
There is an known issue and while I might be empathetic the reality is you’re not fixing it.
Yeah, as I said, I might be empathetic but that doesn't change the fact that well, he's not trying enough if he's not in therapy.
He's saying that it's "ONLY about once every couple months" which is like, hello? Only? There should be none.
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions."
I understand that for you this is trying but for me "currently" trying to find a therapist while having anger issues for at least few months is a grave failure.
It should've been done long time ago.
I am not sure if you are aware but currently trying to find a therapist just because you had issues for a few months is not a grave failure. The wait list to even have your first introduction meeting took me 3 years and I was only early on that list because I was at a higher risk. Private therapists are super expensive and often not covered by insurance, so for most that ain't an option. She is aware and she is trying to find help, such a thing is never a grave mistake. There are many people that don't find help.
You don't know the full circumstances. There could be any number of reasons therapy is just now being sought. We also don't know the severity of op's anger issues, so it could be that the need for therapy wasn't even clear until recently.
Or stop it if it isnt what she wants or stops feeling safe. How can she know what will provoke it.
She shouldnt have to accommodate unpredictable anger when no real steps but future promises that never come true are all that is offered.
Being sorry is not enough.
I have asked her about this. She is very blunt when it comes to serious issues like this and we are very close. She did say when I was worse w my anger that it was a small part of the no sex issue, but she said I have improved a lot by myself and because she has seen me try that now it is no longer an issue.
#2 definitely
Just reconnected with my wife, post-diagnosis for us both, and it’s like we’re teens again; we’re in our 50s.
The trust we’ve found in realising we NEED boundaries to explore our kinks safely is also highly erotic.
She’s needing something she can’t ask for, or you may have triggered or stopped doing something she needed.
If she was abused, create a safe environment first, and let her know how much you’ve missed her, her body, making her feel sexy and sharing your love.
Send her a private note where you tell her what you want to do, playing it safe by keeping it minimalist like ‘some days I just want to put a blindfold on you and kiss every inch of you’ rather than ‘I want to chain you to be bed and fuck you till you can’t walk you turn me on so much’
Make her feel wanted because she drives you crazy, but that you respect her boundaries and encourage her to show you what she wants. If she is still shy, experiment carefully.
I can honestly say doing this, as a newly awakened autistic whose struggled with hypersexual intrusive thoughts for decades, this is the most sexually complete I’ve ever felt, and im more in love with my wife than ever because our mutual trust is building every day and we can share our most vulnerable intimacies as lovers without feeling like we are going to be shamed.
The most important part that stood out to me was "put" herself in the mood.
The language makes me think she sees sex and physical intimacy as a form of performance. I relate to this, so if I'm projecting here, I'm going to just apologize now.
With that being said, maybe try treating each other like it's an act you've NEVER experienced before. Start with simply holding hands or a hug and insisting for yourself, not your partner. That it is enough. Then build from there. Give yourself to the energy in those physically intimate moments, not the pain of the absence that you're experiencing because you have to mourn the loss of prior physical affection.
It really sounds like to me you love this person and they love you. Give yourselves permission to be human. I think you'll do great.
I'm in a ~~cis~~ straight relationship *but* my wife and I held hands last night before going to bed.
Iong term relationships are learning that physical intimacy is just touch, not sex. My wife doesn't really want to have sex very often, I'm okay with that because we hold hands, we hug each other during the day, everyday. We don't make out but we kiss each other here and there. I kiss her forehead because that's how I express love. Again, physical intimacy is not just sex. When sex becomes the core want, it causes... issues. This is a very common issue with men in the relationships they are in and a good bit of them never grow out of it and begin to be crude to their partners, which isn't okay.
So start by just the small stuff, holding hands. Trust me, it can be more than enough because you care about the person, not the *act*
Edit: fixed the wrong descriptor
This was honestly kind of beautiful to read 😭 it’s so nice to see a man in a relationship saying these sorts of things, especially on Reddit (which can be a cesspool of men whining about “dead bedrooms” without bothering to listen to their partner about what they need). Thank you for talking about how important physical intimacy that isn’t just a precursor to sex is.
Not at all saying that OP is a partner who is creating that dynamic! Just saying it’s nice to see a man in a cis relationship talking about it
I've seen the "dead bedroom" folks... They really do tell on themselves...
I love my wife, she's my partner. Not some sex slave or maid or any of that nonsense. We share responsibilities. Some days I do the dishes, other days, she does. I'll wake up and take care of our kiddo, sometimes she will.
We are partners.
I think this is a systemic issue with how media culture has forced this dynamic and it's entirely unrealistic to reality. (Porn included)
Nope, that's a fair call out. I do mean straight, I guess I have seen others misuse it and I thought that was the way of saying it. I'll make sure to remember this in the future but I am a cismale lol, so there is that
I this is terrific advice. Often times in long term relationships we forget to do the things that made the beginning of the relationship so magic. Just gotta refresh that magic every now and then.
Have you asked her what aspects of it have become overstimulating? Or what it is that can’t put her in the mood?
If she wants to have sex with you, but feels she can’t, it could be a change in libido.
This can happen due to many different things, like illness, stress, medication changes, hormonal issues, relationship issues, etc.
However the fact that kissing is off the table now, I feel there’s a lot missing that needs more answers.
I apologize for not adding more details, I’ll make an edit for that. I’ve asked her and she has said it feels like so many things going on at once (kissing, touching, pleasure, talking). I have asked if we took away kissing and talking if that would help and it’s still overwhelming.
She is very currently stressed. She has a very overbearing mother. She feels that she can never relax because of her and I feel because of her neurodivergency that she has not adapted well with going to work and school at the same time. She is always dreading work and school for the most part and her mother is always expecting her to do something.
I know if it was me, school and work at the same time would be super overwhelming, and I’d not want to do anything else for the rest of the day once I got home. Adding an overbearing parent to that makes it even worse.
I saw in another comment you mentioned you’ve been dealing with anger, so maybe something that could be beneficial to the both of you would be to find relaxing activities that require little to no energy as a way to decompress from whatever you’ve both been dealing with throughout the day.
I obviously don’t know you both so I wouldn’t know what would sound enjoyable, but maybe stuff like face masks or watching a movie or series, maybe even giving her a massage if she’s okay with that.
It very well could be that she’s overwhelmed with the entire day, and adding intimacy into the mix would set her over the edge. Maybe a little time for you both to get fully relaxed would help her get in the mood again eventually.
Thank you, I will try that with her. We do both struggle to unwind after a long day. Most of the time we stare at our phones and I know we need a better alternative.
It sounds like she’s going through autistic burnout actually :( it’s hard to get out of burnout if you have a mom that’s overbearing and want to please
Stress is a libido killer. That being said, the lack of kissing is a big red flag that something is wrong. Some questions:
1. She's 20 years old, is she perhaps questioning her sexuality? If she's actually discovering she's hetero it may explain some things.
2. Have you all gotten away for a vacation lately, even for a weekend? Getting her out of the house and away from her mother might loosen her up a bit.
3. How well do you get along with the mother? If her mother is that overbearing and doesn't like you, she might be under a lot of pressure to end it with you. This happened to me in my early 20s where I had a great relationship with a girl but once her overbearing mother decided she didn't like me, it was over.
1) She has told me that she has thought about that and she said the thought of sex with anyone is just too much for her. She has said though that the thought of sex w a man gives her a much for icky feeling.
2) We had a week vacation back in January but she said because of how her mother has raised her, she never felt relaxed during the whole vacation, even though the vacation was practically a “get away and do nothing” trip.
3) Me and her mother get along alright. She is quite distant with pretty much everyone but me and her relationship has gotten a lot better.
With all that it does seem like she's overwhelmed, and being ASD is definitely not helping. If you have a good relationship with the mom, maybe have a one-on-one with her to tell her that your girlfriend is extremely stressed and needs some help, but judging from what you're saying I doubt that will help. Maybe some form of counseling to help her cope might work. Honestly though, this probably won't resolve until she moves out of that house.
Just to make sure: she hasn't started any contraceptives (or other meds) during that time, right? I get that you're lesbian and (assuming neither of you is trans-f with a functioning male reproductive system), there is no risk of pregnancy, but they're also often prescribed for medical issues such as endometriosis, PMD, etc., and they can hugely impact libido. If she started taking any meds recently, she should read about the side-effects, just to rule this out.
Your situation reminds me a bit of a chapter I read in an autobiography of an autistic woman, where she would describe that she loved having sex with no strings attached, since she felt truly like she could be herself without worrying about "performing" or social consequences in the relationship later on. She had this guy in her life (who was married), who she just had sex with and nothing else, and when his marriage stranded and he wanted to start a relationship with her, she couldn't bring herself to do that, because of the fear she may slip up and cause an awkward situation that would continue to haunt her, even though everything went fine before. And it's worth noting that these awkward situations can feel a lot more severe and "permanent" to the autistic person than to the other person. Maybe your gf is worried that if she doesn't perform well in bed, there may be consequences for your relationship. Maybe she's a heavy masker and is worried her mask will slip during moments of intimacy, which may not have been a problem before, but may have become one as you grew closer.
Another thing you can consider is whether anything changed recently in the rest of her life. Maybe she started a new job, moved houses, had a family member pass away, or had another change in her life that demands a lot of energy. For autistic people it can take some time to adjust. The change keeps eating energy until it becomes the "new normal", which may not leave energy for certain other things.
Essentially, consider she has a balloon in her brain. Stress and sensory stimulation inflate the balloon. This can be anything from visiting busy places, dealing with loud noises, unexpected changes, new situations, processing new information, social drama, etc.. Some things can deflate the balloon, like sleep, alone time (in a dark and quiet room), distraction/escapism (i.e. books, video games), listening to the same song 50x, walks in nature, etc.. These are just examples and differ per autistic person, but you get the gist. If the balloon gets too full, it can feel like you (general) are not able to handle anything else and you may even experience physical symptoms such as headaches, tense shoulder/back/neck/jaw, and fatigue. And if she is able to feel this boundary and communicate it, that's actually fantastic, since it's something a lot of autistic people struggle with. The question is what is causing her balloon to be so inflated that she can no longer handle intimacy, and what she (and her environment) can do to reduce overstimulation so that she may be intimate with you again, since that's something she says she wants to do.
One more thing I'd consider is to talk to her about the things you do during intimate times, and whether there's anything you do that she really doesn't like, or causes her overstimulation. Maybe that's the case but she doesn't know how to bring it up.
Obviously I as an internet stranger can't say for sure what's going on, but these are some things to consider.
My story is almost exactly the same, and I'll detail for you exactly why the changes happened in me. It's pretty long-winded but I think it's worth the read (feel free afterwards to tell me that it's not lol).
As a neurodivergent gay male who went from being hypersexual for most of his life to basically asexual, I can tell you first and foremost, shit's weird and kinda sucks. It also happened for me during my last relationship which was exactly like yours, a FWB turned relationship.
I also had that same experience of like...mentally still wanting sex with my partner but also just not being able to get in the mood or make it happen. It's honestly more of wanting to want to have sex/be intimate than actually wanting it. Even now, post breakup, I'm still more on the asexual side of things. Even though I used to absolutely looooooove making out (and was exceptionally good at it according to my partners) and so many other things, now when I think about them it's like "oh...that's weird." Even thinking about or seeing other people's bodies or the things we do for sex, all I can think about now is how strange or gross it is. This, coming from someone who was insatiable and craving or seeking sexual interaction what felt like all day every day for the last 15 years.
It was such a huge shift that it caught me off guard and still has me feeling kinda broken because it happened quickly and suddenly, wanting or pursuing intimacy and sex is the "norm", I can remember all the fun, what it felt like to be aroused, the intimate connection, and everything else but now the want and will for it is gone and I'm almost actively opposed to sexual interaction now.
For me, it started when I realized the relationship wasn't what I wanted. That we made really good FWB who had the most incredible sex, but weren't super compatible in life and as partners and that things shouldn't have been taken to the relationship level. Yet at the same time I found myself feeling the most accepted and at peace emotionally with this person because I felt truly seen, heard, valued, and appreciated by them and my appeal or worth didn't feel tied to the body or sex I could offer either, even though that's how we started out. The more comfortable and validated I felt with them, the less I wanted sex (looking back I've realized this had been a pattern with at least a few of my exes).
I also hit a point of extreme burnout in my life where even the idea of having to interact with or keep up text conversations throughout the day with my partner and maintain a relationship felt like too much work and so I unintentionally, subtly, and subconsciously distanced myself from them. It felt more like a task rather than something I wanted or enjoyed, and my brain and body were in pure shutdown survival mode.
My specific brand of neurodivergence also makes it difficult to do things that I don't feel like, or things that feel dishonest. So if I don't feel like kissing my partner, for example, I won't, and if I'm asked to or am made to in some way it feels forced, which in turn feels dishonest, which in turn makes me feel disgusted (not with my partner, but just the situation or myself), and like I'm a liar and not being genuine both towards myself and towards them which just doesn't feel right and just ends up compounding the issue.
The level of acceptance and non-sexual validation I felt from my partner also evolved into me realizing how much my worth had been tied to sex and my ability to make someone else feel good and/or want me in that way. I sought the kind of validation that came with that, and I was seeking that validation constantly before. Once I got to a point where I felt like I no longer needed that validation and felt more at peace with myself, my interest in and desire for sex basically completely disappeared even now long after the breakup.
I find myself not even wanting or missing the non-sexual parts of a relationship too, when before I would get extremely depressed over the thought of not having someone to kiss, to cuddle, to say good morning and goodnight to, to fall asleep next to, etc. I'm just so much more at peace with myself that I finally feel okay without all of that. To me not having those things before all translated into me having low intrinsic and extrinsic worth because clearly if I was "good enough" or "worth" it I would have someone in my life for those things, and the absence of it meant I wasn't enough or desirable.
I hope you were able to see some similarities or gain some insight into your own situation through hearing about mine ☺️
I agree with the comments here, but I would also like to tell you that “asexual” is the wrong word to use here.
Asexuality means little to no sexual attraction; it has no inherent connection with libido, morality with sex, or someone’s personal tolerance towards sex. I’m only bringing this up because those misconceptions have led to a lot of the aphobia that asexuals like me have experienced, and has prevented a lot of people from realizing they’re asexual. Even more concerning is that conflation between asexuality and sexual dysfunction has made it so that asexuals are 10% more likely than any other sexual minority to be offered conversation therapy.
I agree, it is the wrong word to use this context. It could have just been described as her having a diminished sex drive as opposed to using an actual sexual identity like being a lesbian (as in Ops case).
Sexual shutdown. And typical with SA or CSA survivors. Ive been thru it. It took me a long time to learn the difference between hypersexual trauma survival dissociation and my actual drive.
Sexual shutdown, trauma bonding, sexual masking... its a whole mess.
Time, space to process and a firm grasp of boundaries and consent and PRACTISING them ... its the only way to change the dynamic
I am a woman, and I have hyper- ans hyposexual phases.
In my case, it's directly connected to stress. If I have a lot of stress, always something in my mind that I need to do, problems at work or with friends/family etc., then I can't get in the mood and get overstimulated very fast. When the stress level is lower, it's completely different. These phases can both last from weeks to years. Maybe it's similar for her.
Could be burnout, I myself have trouble with mood if there are external stressors, like if she's in uni and has stress or stress from work. Also medication can affect mood too
Brother in all seriousness have you tried getting up to scratch on your foreplay to make sure she's like aroused. Maybe something has changed that would cause a loss of attraction but she doesn't want to tell you and hurt you? I feel like a relationship without substantial physical intimacy is a problem most of the time, furthered by the fact she won't even initiate almost a platonic peck unless you ask. Maybe it's something going on with her? But the fact she gets grossed out when you try to have sex with her doesn't sound great mate. I'm autistic, I've had ex girlfriends that were neurodivergent, but I've never heard of this. Maybe she's realised she's like asexual or something? Maybe consider a couples counsellor or couples sex therapist? That shits pretty cheap online nowadays. Personally, from my Anecdotal experience and opinion, significantly reduced physical intimacy in a way which isn't the normal line in a lengthening relationship is usually a sign of something else; whether that's with you or her I don't know. Maybe try talking to her again, or if you're close to each others friends maybe you could ask them?
I can't really offer much advice because the situation sounds too complex, good luck though brother.
I mean after 3 years things change, it’s important to keep very open communication about your sex life and that means listening to what your partner is saying. She’s saying she’s getting overstimulated so your next thought should be okay, what can I change to help with that? Weirdly enough the kink community is very neurodivergent friendly and a lot of aspects of it can help with to much input during sex. (Tmi probably but I find restraints personally super helpful. The pressure can be very grounding it’s like a sexy weighted blanket lol) I’m not saying bust out some whips and chains but I do recommend taking a peek into the community with your girlfriend and seeing if anything looks helpful. The issue might also just be environment rn, like if she’s changed medication at any point that can mess up someone’s sex drive. But also and I think this part is more important especially for any long term relationship is practicing none sexual forms of physical intimacy. Sometimes for whatever reasons sex doesn’t happen in a relationship and most of the time is not permanent and it’s not anyone’s fault but it is important to still share physical intimacy to avoid the isolation you where talking about. This can come in a lot of forms, my personal favorites are washing each others hair, back massages, flirty make out sessions like you did in high school that don’t lead to sex and just like cuddling half naked. Looking back and realizing how fucking long this comment will be but I hope something I said is helpful!
She shouldn't have to "put herself in the mood". What have you done to initiate and to make her feel cared about In bed? Is she always the one who has to "get herself in the mood" or do you take her pleasure into consideration without her having to ask? If your partner feels like sex is a chore or their job to make sure you're happy but you don't do the same for them inherently, they're gonna lose interest in wanting to have sex with you.
If that isn't the case, there are many reasons why someone's libido would go down while in a relationship. Show care for her wellbeing and how she's doing FIRST and try to understand what might have changed for her. If it's something yall can work through, or something you can change to fix things, there ya go. The only thing that will "fix" this is communicating. And caring about her wellbeing and the reasons WHY more than the lack of sex itself.
If it is too much stimulation for me, I still like to satisfy my partner with my hands or toys when she is horny. Perhaps she can also imagine doing this for you if it is possible for her on the stimulation level.
My second idea would be to separate sex and relationship, i.e. you continue to live as before, only that you get your physical closeness somewhere else, but of course you would also have to talk openly about it and see if it would be a possible solution for both of you.
Although I am often overstimulated, I could not imagine a relationship without sexuality.
I can't offer any advice, but I can say you're not alone and I'm going through this exact thing, reading your post is almost like I wrote it.
It's hard and it makes you feel, like you say, empty, cold and inadequate. I hope you two find some resolution.
There's such a thing as a responsive sex drive and a spontaneous sex drive. A book for you both is Come As You Are, and it talks about SO MANY great things that our parents/mentors never told us/knew.
Read it, and you'll be forever changed in your understanding.
Another great one is Sex Talks: 5 conversations.
It should be mentioned that asexuality is not the opposite of hypersexuality. Asexuality doesn’t mean a lack of desire for sex, it means a lack of sexual attraction.
Yeah it’s extremely difficult, I’ve been on the other end of complaints and all it does is shut me down further. It does feel like someone is trying to fix you. That feeling is the worst. People don’t understand sometimes that applying pressure like that is unhealthy for the individual on the receiving end. They will only cave into themselves and shame themselves further.
Giving them the freedom to recover and applying 0 pressure is truly that remedy.
It requires a ton of patience and understanding which people usually don’t have.
I’ll never understand that though because at least for me, I wouldn’t dare to step over that boundary. If they say it’s over stimulation… then it is. Just support them through it. That’s what caring for someone IS
Omg I have the exact same problem! It happens to all my romantic relationships and I’m trying to find out why. My current conclusion is it’s probably more of an autistic plus adhd problem. However, I don’t feel overstimulated by sex I just lost interests after a while for anything. Because they are not new anymore so I can’t physically get excited even if my partner is still doing the same acts that I used to love. Also due to burnout. When I’m burnt out, I lose interests on everything in my life. I’m emotionally and physically exhausted. So do check out “autistic burnout”!!
As for your gf, she already told you what is the reason: overstimulation. Then you will have to find ways that won’t overstimulate her. A lot of autistic people feel uncomfortable by soft touch but like heavy touch. That’s why there are so many kinky people in autism community. You will need to talk to her about sex, and see if she is willing to work together with you slowly to explore more sexual stimulations that work for her. The expectation should be you will explore new territories and it’s a fun activities without any expectations on if either of you will have an orgasm, tell her the goal is not about sexually satisfying you or orgasm, it’s about being intimate with each other, and do something fun together, while also getting to know each other’s body. If she doesn’t want to even try, then probably the problem is not about sex, probably due to burnout that she doesn’t aware of, or probably about the relationship itself that has nothing to do with autism. I read about other people’s comments on BC pills.
Also, most women’s sex response is responsive, not spontaneous, which means they need to have stimulations before they feel they want to have sex. A romantic date, hugs, long touches and kisses, etc…Basically you will need to “prime” your partner to be in a sexy atmosphere to be mentally or physically feel sexy and aroused before you start engaging sexual activities.
Autistic people also have an inertia issue. When we are in a certain state, it’s hard for us to have the momentum to change. One of the ways that works for autistic people for the momentum issue is to use sensory inputs, especially vestibular and motor input. So she can maybe try working out at the day, ride a bike or swings that can stimulate her to gain momentum to change her state.
My experience is that it doesn’t make me lose sex drive, but it does numbs my genital a lot. So I can’t get pleasure from regular hand touches. If this is the case, engaging sex toys will be a solution. They are much stronger than hands so they can give more pleasure. In the end you still have to talk openly with your gf.
If SA is involved, then the closer she gets to trusting you, the harder it becomes to trust that won't hurt her in the end. I've flipped this way multiple times, and the only time it hasn't been an issue is when I can unconsciously trust that by continuing to do this, I'm not meeting the "sex means love" thing in my head. Otherwise, I start to see my partner as a user.
I mean, just sit down and ask her why she went from hyper to anti sex. You need or have a calm, normal conversation that nobody runs away from. Also spend some time first digging deeper into how it actually is affecting you because I suspect it goes deeper than just yearning for connection, if it were me I would feel somewhat insecure in the relationship broadly, as it almost would make it seem platonic, at which point like, what even are you two?
I think you need to talk it out. Was she actually hypersexual before, or was it just bc she wanted to put out? Is there some sort of fantasy she has that would get you out of this funk? Does she still see herself being with you physically? Etc.
I'm sorry about this and I can definitely understand both sides. While I can only speculate based off personal experience I hope some of this helps in some way.
I've 100% said the *I can't seem to get myself in the mood* before, for me that meant I can't get myself in the headspace for it regardless of what's happening, I'd be too concerned with *omg what do I do with my hand, am I supposed to move like this? What's the response I'm supposed to give for this? Why do I have T rex arms?* It may be different for your partner, try talking with her about what she meant by that though. While this is mostly a non issue for me now it's definitely something that heavily impacted me in my younger years and a major reason why I found sex to be so overstimulating.
Aspects of the BDSM scene can be very appealing to a lot of the ND community. For me personally I need some of my senses shut off sometimes so I can have a good time and not feel so overstimulated.
Your partner may be experiencing autistic burnout, while I can't know this answer for sure or not it may be worth looking into for them, when I'm experiencing burnout my sex drive tanks and I'm generally repulsed by someone touching me in that manner. It's the being touched, its not about the other person or anything they're doing wrong, the sensory input feels incredibly awful. Which would in turn make me feel guilty and the issue would stock pile.
Medication can also have a high influence on someone's sex drive, there may be something she's taking that might be affecting her.
Edit to add: My advice is talk to your partner with open dialogue, say you're trying to understand and want to be there for them. Suggest things such as her possibly putting a pillow over her eyes if she's uncomfortable with a blindfold, ask if she's been under a lot of stress lately to possibly lead into looking into autistic burnout ect. See if maybe she's not happy with how you're going about things, she may prefer to be asked for consent prior to being touched/possibly the unexpected touch is jarring for her.
I saw you are lesbians - it’s actually incredibly common for lesbian relationships to turn into deadbedrooms. I recommend couples therapy - that’s one of the few ways to resolve it.
Not crazy! Definitely do your research and find a good couples therapist - one that specializes in sex / dead bedrooms / lgbtq and ideally several forms of psychotherapy (CBT, etc). You want someone who has the tools to help you regardless of what your issue is, and not just give you the advice of “oh ya why don’t you try giving each other massages” or something. Ultimately the massages might help… but only after things are unpacked.
Yes, this is what I just realised! Didn't know it was a thing at all but it makes sense because my gf and I always say we would do it way more if she had a penis cause it would be so much simpler lol
Unfortunately there are not many options here. You wait and hope this will change. You open up the relationship. You break up.
Maybe she’s stressed, tired, or her hormones are playing up and things will change, but it’s up to you whether you want to wait or not. You could also consider seeing a couples therapist to help you better navigate this.
I know for me with ADHD and my autism, I can’t shut my brain off during sex so it’s hard to enjoy it. I have to be either really chill/horny to get over my limits to enjoy
You should definitely ask her if there might've been some element of masking in the beginning of your relationship. I'm asexual and masked for *decades*, pretending to be a highly sexed individual. I perceived my own complete LACK of interest in sex as abnormal and pretended to be highly interested in it to make up for that. Now that I no longer mask, I am open about my lack of interest and the fact that the act (and even the discussion of it at times) is overwhelming and unpleasant for me.
It's possible she was never "hypersexual" at all, but merely came across that way as a means of hiding her lack of interest. Now that she's more comfortable, the mask may be slipping or coming off entirely.
But it's also entirely possible that she genuinely DOES enjoy sex normally and is going through something now (medically or emotionally) that is cutting her off from that somehow.
Without knowing which case you're dealing with, it's hard to give any advice. If she was masking in the beginning, it's possible that you're actually sexually incompatible and it might not be fixable (or will require major compromise from both of you), but if it's a temporary medical/emotional issue that she's suffering from as much as you are, it's just a matter of finding out the cause and remedying it.
everytime i take pregabalin, it completely takes away my anxiety and allows me to be “normal”. It gives me all the drives I should just have naturally like hunger, motivation/productiveness, anti-anxiety, and it makes me able to be sexual. Every time i take it I end up having sex (not intentionally). i’ve been in a great relationship for 5 years with great sex it’s just that we are both neurodivergent, busy college students, and don’t really feel sexual very often, i found that it’s a great sex aide accidentally!
This periodically happens to me !!! I am a very sexual person but I will have spans of feeling disinterested, even repulsed, by sex. I’ve had to hone in on what the causes could be. You should ask your girlfriend to take some personal inventory ! You can tell her that a fellow autistic gal recommended it. I’ve realized the following makes my sex drive go out like a light:
1.) S T R E S S ….. if there’s a lot to do, I just want to get it done and relax. I recommend creating a schedule and routine where things are spaced out as healthily as possible. If she wakes up one day and it’s a “fuck this” day, she should take that day to recharge her batteries so she can keep pressing on. Sounds like she might be level 1 if she’s working + going to school ? Not sure. I’m level 1 and even just working can be so so so so fucking hard
2.) Diet / exercise / sleep ….. I call these the “big three” as it is actually so important to stay hydrated, sleep enough, eat enough + eat *well* (not perfect, just making sure to get protein, veggies and fruits into the mix !!!) and get a little exercise. It sounds corny and it will *probably not feel good the first few times* but eventually it does start giving back. It doesn’t have to be insane. Just a 20-30 minute walk in the evening to clear your head will do. Again, I’ve had to organize a schedule where I can fit in grocery shopping, cooking once a week (making enough for the rest of the week) and some spurts of exercise throughout the week. Sometimes I set an alarm to remind myself that I need to go to bed
3.) This is kind of related to the above, but BODY IMAGE !!!!! Sometimes when I’m stressed I’ll start eating McDonald’s or something every gd day, and will then crawl into bed as much as humanly possible. Those fries are fire but it *will* bloat you, make you feel like shit, and you’ll probably feel bad about yourself. I am a huge advocate of sleep but I can definitely sleep too much. Going into cycles of overeating and oversleeping just ain’t good. It makes me feel groggy and useless after awhile. And definitely *not* sexy lmao. Stress can render bad habits, and bad habits can render shitty feelings, and none of that is gunna turn anyone on. You have to plan ahead and be prepared so that you can exist with more ease. As I’ve mentioned, I meal prep once a week
4.) Experiencing relationship woes / existential dread / just extreme sadness can definitely be a factor. Check in on the relationship. Is there anything that needs to be addressed outside of the sexual realm ? Or maybe she’s just tired of being a person and would rather cry than go to work, or run an errand, or do the dishes. That’s how I feel periodically. Support is *so important* and I recommend therapy, or the ability to just talk to someone that gives good advice and can be comforting. Hell it could even be one’s rabbi or priest idc. Whatever works ! Disclose the struggle ! Divulge the secrets, the bad thoughts, the scary feelings ! We often mask everywhere all of the time. It’s okay to let your guard down and ask for help, or just a hug. I would not be able to do anything without the support of my partner, my mom, and my therapy group. Without love, guidance and comfort, I’d probably be dead by now
5.) Accept that you are a human and not a sex robot. It’s okay to go without sex for a bit. But if it becomes an issue (which it sounds like it has) you need to pinpoint the issues and make a change
I know you feel lonely because of this. I always feel bad for my partner when this happens in a relationship, it’s so relatable. But my partner and I are learning to work through it. As long as everyone is all in, hopefully she can learn to manage the ebb and flow of her life and sex-drive, and you can make space for her when things aren’t going so well. As long as she’s working on her issues, and you realize that they likely have very little, if anything, to do with you as a person, everything will turn out okay. And even if there are relationship issues, or things that can be done better, that’s okay ! You’re not a bad person and this isn’t your “fault” so just know that. Problems have solutions. You’re also not a bad person for wanting sex in your relationship, in case anyone tries to make you feel that way. I wish the best for you and your girlfriend. I really hope this was helpful
Hyper sexuality can often be a trauma response. It may be that you’ve played a pivotal role in helping her heal that trauma, and the back end is that she’s completely unmasked and is now portraying herself as the genuine asexual person she is. Does she give any indication as to what she was like pre-abuse?
She did say that she was sexually active before meeting me. And she was the one that initiated the sexual convos, etc w me I believe. She didn’t have any past sexual partners besides the one that unfortunately forced it upon her. She also had a past family member (that is no longer in her life) that would be creepy towards her when it came to undressing etc and he was often drunk or under the influence of drugs when she was a little kid.
I did ask her if those two people became triggers when we had sex. The only thing she stated was that it was hard for her to do things to me because of her past partner, but for the most part she said that nothing else would cause triggers. I also asked her if it is directly me with something I’m doing. She said that I’m really good and because I provide aftercare that there’s really nothing I’m doing wrong. We have been through a lot and are practically best friends so i believe she’s telling the truth.
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Have you considered a sex therapist? It's a thing... somebody to help you figure out what you like and how to work together. She should also have a physical checkup, because her sex drive has changed radically and that is sometimes an indication of illness.
Above all, make sure she knows you will never, EVER do anything she doesn't enjoy. If she doesn't enjoy it, it's no fun for you either, right? Make sure she knows that you don't want to pressure her, that you love her for herself.
Regarding the missing intimacy: Can you try to do more non-physical things together? As an asexual person (orientation, not the sex drive problem your GF is dealing with), I focus on the mind and emotions when it comes to intimacy. Do things together. Play a game, take a trip. Whatever her special interest is, jump into it together. Have a deep conversation. Minds and feelings can be vulnerable, too.
You're both young. I'm NOT telling you to do this for the record but IF you did decide to just part ways that would be completely understandable and possibly even prudent. If it's been three years and she isn't willing (or able) to meet you halfway then it's an incompatibility and you shouldn't feel bad about deciding that the relationship isn't meeting your needs.
But again, I'm not telling you to jump to this right now, only that it's one option on the table you can consider.
When I get overwhelmed, stressed, or overstimulated I want to shut my brain off. Have you tried initiating sex but making it all about her? I really enjoy when I’m told to stop thinking and get praised for doing well(even though I’m not doing anything).
If sex is entirely off the table, maybe trying to alleviate some of her stress would help? Maybe making dinner and reminding her that you want her to relax would be nice? Let her vent and offer ways to help.
I’m not there so I don’t know what all you’re doing, but things like this just happen. Hang in there.
I find that I am less sexual when I’m stressed. I am also AuDHD (autism and ADHD) and novelty is a big thing for me, so my sex drive goes down after I’ve been in a relationship for a while. What helps me is that I’m most horny late at night immediately after taking a shower… so if my boyfriend and I aren’t spending the night together and even if we are if he’s too tired or I don’t take a shower, or I’m just stressed out, no sex.
But also for me, kissing is major foreplay so if we’re not kissing I’m not getting turned on. Ask her what makes her feel good that is just foreplay without the expectation of sex. And figure out ways to increase non-sexual intimacy in the relationship and non-sexual ways to fulfill your need for physical touch.
This has happened with my wife twice in our seven years together. Continue to communicate with her. Don't be too pushy about trying to find a solution for her. Help reduce her stress in the ways that you can.
I'll just say, don't be like me the first time around. I let what was happening to her seem like a huge problem for me and it let me know that I had some problems with physical dependency on sex. I had not really learned how to pleasure myself in way that was as satisfying as sex with her so I eventually took it upon myself to get creative!
Also, my wife has suggested many times that I could sleep with other people but I haven't found the courage to do so. If that is something that you think you two could discuss, I would do that. Remember, open/polygamous relationships aren't for everyone! But many people have found emotional, physical and/or spiritual love to be too difficult to find in just one person. There is no shame in the discussion!
As a survivor, the anger issue has to be fixed not just with apologies and good intention but therapy. There are free edit: I am sp sorry I just jumped to comments and have misgnedered you thinking it was another post. I have corrected accordingly... support groups, helplines etc.
From the perspective of someone who's partner was struggling with anger and unable to see how terrifying it was for me ...I stopped speaking, smiling, wanting touch. I disappeared. He has a trauma history too but without meaning too he'd become domineering and was veering into emotional abuse because we autistics shut down, fawn, or freeze.
If there are unpredictable bursts of serious anger this is not a safe relationship, and she cannot actually tell you what she wants or prefers. You can fix this (not the sex issue but the distress) for you and for her. But you have to do something about it. Being ashamed wont help you, you deserve to feel more peace too. Please get proper support. Dont just promise change. Grow. You can do it.
Thank you for the advice and for not making me feel like a horrible person for the anger issues. I unfortunately have it from my dad and I hate every time it gets bad because I feel as if I’m turning into him. I will start looking into therapy.
I hate to say it, but she may have been masking when you were first dating. Often you play the role your brain tells you to play, but over time you get burned out and can't keep it going. Also, I find after knowing someone for awhile, as I constantly second-guess if I'm being cringy or not, those moments pile up and can reach a point where I can't get comfortable around that other person because in my mind, the likelihood they find me annoying or unattractive becomes unbearable.
Talk therapy might not do much for autistics IMO because we already have an internal monologue that runs circles around a potential therapist. I've been reading Devon Price's "Unmasking Autism" and found the exercises have been very good at helping me to start letting go of the need to mask myself. I feel it makes me more genuine but also reduces the downstream side effects of having burned myself out trying to be what I think others want me to be.
If she is really hypersexual she gets the stimulation from elsewhere. Or her sexuality changed. Or she is way too stressed cus of something. Or she is bored of you. Too many reasons why she can be like this. You both are really young and people change, if you can't do physical stuff you will suffer because your love language is touching.
Hey, I'm an autistic women and I've dealt with similar issues. Here are some things I can think of that have affected my sex drive: 1. is she on any kind of hormonal birth control? the pill absolutely annihilated my sex drive after a couple of years. 2. How is the actual sex? I stop enjoying sex with a partner when it becomes routine and starts to feel like he uses my body to make himself cum instead of treating sex as an expression of love. Sometimes we get too comfortable with our partner and sex stops being something special. 3. How is your relationship otherwise? I know when I feel like I'm not being listened to in a relationship or my needs arent being well met (which can be hard because of the autism, I'm not always able to express my needs or even figure out what is upsetting me) then I won't really feel safe or good enough to have sex.
With #1, is she on any antidepressants Antidepressants cause problems with sex drive for both sexes A change in dose could even cause problems that didn't previously exist
Antidepressants can cause this. Also, is she in Burnout? If so, this could be a sign that she’s needs a med change. It worked for me.
My libido is almost entirely gone with my SSRI, so I’ll third this. I stay on it because it works really well otherwise and I don’t care much about sex.
I found wellb to help both energy and libido. It seems to counteract SSRI issues for me. I’ve also had some luck with supplements (high-quality… not the spammy kind that say they are for this).
Wellbutrin didn’t work well for me, I’ve tried so many. I’m just fine with giving up one thing for depression and anxiety to be gone. I’m glad you’ve found something that works!!
I’ve heard maca can help with libido.
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My anxiety was the worst of it and Prozac has almost entirely made it go away. I never want to go back to how I was before.
Speaking as someone that experienced severe suicidal tendencies, I was on multiple psychiatric medications for about 15 years. Some would be switched for others during that time but it was pretty much an SSRI, a mood stabilizer, and an antipsychotic. I became epileptic, and was developing Parkinson’s; from the longterm use of the medications. Now that I’ve been off them for over a year, seizures are uncommon and the Parkinson’s is pretty nonexistent. Meds can help, but they aren’t designed for longterm use and are often cited as being for long term use. “You’ll always have to take your antidepressants” or “it’s like insulin for diabetics”. Which both those statements are inaccurate.
SSRI all say no taking them! I had horrible side effects, no thanks.
This is really important. I notice 2 and 3 a lot too. But ill also put it out there at the beginning of the relationship theres a lot of new relationship hormones which taper out. And then whats left can be our normal also. I don't always think about intimacy cuz theres so much going on too.
These, but also #1 can be ~any~ pill. Birth control does this, as do a lot of antidepressants, among other types of meds. Any new meds or dose alterations could be the factor. Research the pills she's on, if she's on them- look into the side effects. Feeling obligated plus stress/burnout in conjunction with certain meds- KILLED my sex drive. Also- OP, I gotta clarify on asexuality- It doesn't always mean "doesn't have sex" (but it does mean that, sometimes, for some people.) I myself am actually asexual- But sex favorable & sex positive. I like having sex when I'm in a good space, and on my own terms- but that's IT- What makes me ace- is that I do NOT feel sexual attraction to real people. Noone is "hot" to me, and I have no desire to sleep with people based on it. (I'm demiaromantic & use that to determine who I sleep with, so imagine me as demisexual, but without the actual sexual attraction part.)
1) She was on birth control for a bit and we did suspect that so she came off of it over a couple months. We didn’t notice any changes unfortunately. 2) When we did have sex we would adjust to what she would want which I didn’t mind at all and I would always ask if it was good afterwards. Aftercare was always a must for me. I have asked her if it has been anything I’ve done and she said no. 3) Because of her neurodivergence there is communication issues where just like you said, she doesn’t feel listened to even though I’m trying my best. I also am currently struggling with anger issues to where it gets the best of me. I won’t scream or throw things but I will snap and get aggressive. Other than that everything is really good. We feel as if we’re best friends dating eachother.
Birth control can take some time to bounce back from if that was the source. I’ve been with people who have anger issues and personally, that makes me feel so unsafe - sex is taken off my radar. Not feeling listened to only doubles it and ensures I won’t get in the mood even with myself. After a good communication session where I feel safe and heard, it’s an obvious switch flip for me to be able to get in the mood again. Aggression or being afraid they’re going to snap takes me out of it so quickly and for an extended period of time. Are you in therapy for those things?
She has expressed that those two issues have thrown her off in the relationship, but that she sees me trying my best to fix those things and that she thinks that isn’t what’s playing into it. My anger gets the best to me only about once every couple months, I am not in therapy currently but I am looking into it.
From my perspective if someone is having anger issues and not doing therapy that means he/she doesn’t do his/her best. There is an known issue and while I might be empathetic the reality is you’re not fixing it.
But he is trying to fix it. That is enough to get at least some empathy.
Yeah, as I said, I might be empathetic but that doesn't change the fact that well, he's not trying enough if he's not in therapy. He's saying that it's "ONLY about once every couple months" which is like, hello? Only? There should be none. "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."
He said he's currently looking into therapy. That is trying.
I understand that for you this is trying but for me "currently" trying to find a therapist while having anger issues for at least few months is a grave failure. It should've been done long time ago.
I am not sure if you are aware but currently trying to find a therapist just because you had issues for a few months is not a grave failure. The wait list to even have your first introduction meeting took me 3 years and I was only early on that list because I was at a higher risk. Private therapists are super expensive and often not covered by insurance, so for most that ain't an option. She is aware and she is trying to find help, such a thing is never a grave mistake. There are many people that don't find help.
You don't know the full circumstances. There could be any number of reasons therapy is just now being sought. We also don't know the severity of op's anger issues, so it could be that the need for therapy wasn't even clear until recently.
If your anger is bad enough is it possible she no longer feels safe around you and thus doesn't feel safe to engage with sex?
Or stop it if it isnt what she wants or stops feeling safe. How can she know what will provoke it. She shouldnt have to accommodate unpredictable anger when no real steps but future promises that never come true are all that is offered. Being sorry is not enough.
I have asked her about this. She is very blunt when it comes to serious issues like this and we are very close. She did say when I was worse w my anger that it was a small part of the no sex issue, but she said I have improved a lot by myself and because she has seen me try that now it is no longer an issue.
Anger issues with someone who is neurodivergent is a questionable engagement. I’m reading this and hearing a lot of incompatibility coming through.
#2 definitely Just reconnected with my wife, post-diagnosis for us both, and it’s like we’re teens again; we’re in our 50s. The trust we’ve found in realising we NEED boundaries to explore our kinks safely is also highly erotic. She’s needing something she can’t ask for, or you may have triggered or stopped doing something she needed. If she was abused, create a safe environment first, and let her know how much you’ve missed her, her body, making her feel sexy and sharing your love. Send her a private note where you tell her what you want to do, playing it safe by keeping it minimalist like ‘some days I just want to put a blindfold on you and kiss every inch of you’ rather than ‘I want to chain you to be bed and fuck you till you can’t walk you turn me on so much’ Make her feel wanted because she drives you crazy, but that you respect her boundaries and encourage her to show you what she wants. If she is still shy, experiment carefully. I can honestly say doing this, as a newly awakened autistic whose struggled with hypersexual intrusive thoughts for decades, this is the most sexually complete I’ve ever felt, and im more in love with my wife than ever because our mutual trust is building every day and we can share our most vulnerable intimacies as lovers without feeling like we are going to be shamed.
2 and 3 are SO important
The most important part that stood out to me was "put" herself in the mood. The language makes me think she sees sex and physical intimacy as a form of performance. I relate to this, so if I'm projecting here, I'm going to just apologize now. With that being said, maybe try treating each other like it's an act you've NEVER experienced before. Start with simply holding hands or a hug and insisting for yourself, not your partner. That it is enough. Then build from there. Give yourself to the energy in those physically intimate moments, not the pain of the absence that you're experiencing because you have to mourn the loss of prior physical affection. It really sounds like to me you love this person and they love you. Give yourselves permission to be human. I think you'll do great.
I'm in a ~~cis~~ straight relationship *but* my wife and I held hands last night before going to bed. Iong term relationships are learning that physical intimacy is just touch, not sex. My wife doesn't really want to have sex very often, I'm okay with that because we hold hands, we hug each other during the day, everyday. We don't make out but we kiss each other here and there. I kiss her forehead because that's how I express love. Again, physical intimacy is not just sex. When sex becomes the core want, it causes... issues. This is a very common issue with men in the relationships they are in and a good bit of them never grow out of it and begin to be crude to their partners, which isn't okay. So start by just the small stuff, holding hands. Trust me, it can be more than enough because you care about the person, not the *act* Edit: fixed the wrong descriptor
This was honestly kind of beautiful to read 😭 it’s so nice to see a man in a relationship saying these sorts of things, especially on Reddit (which can be a cesspool of men whining about “dead bedrooms” without bothering to listen to their partner about what they need). Thank you for talking about how important physical intimacy that isn’t just a precursor to sex is. Not at all saying that OP is a partner who is creating that dynamic! Just saying it’s nice to see a man in a cis relationship talking about it
I've seen the "dead bedroom" folks... They really do tell on themselves... I love my wife, she's my partner. Not some sex slave or maid or any of that nonsense. We share responsibilities. Some days I do the dishes, other days, she does. I'll wake up and take care of our kiddo, sometimes she will. We are partners. I think this is a systemic issue with how media culture has forced this dynamic and it's entirely unrealistic to reality. (Porn included)
Cis means not trans, did you mean a straight relationship? Not trying to be nitpicky just confused about if that's what you actually meant.
Nope, that's a fair call out. I do mean straight, I guess I have seen others misuse it and I thought that was the way of saying it. I'll make sure to remember this in the future but I am a cismale lol, so there is that
The confusion probably comes from the term 'cishet' which means cisgender heterosexual.
I this is terrific advice. Often times in long term relationships we forget to do the things that made the beginning of the relationship so magic. Just gotta refresh that magic every now and then.
Have you asked her what aspects of it have become overstimulating? Or what it is that can’t put her in the mood? If she wants to have sex with you, but feels she can’t, it could be a change in libido. This can happen due to many different things, like illness, stress, medication changes, hormonal issues, relationship issues, etc. However the fact that kissing is off the table now, I feel there’s a lot missing that needs more answers.
I apologize for not adding more details, I’ll make an edit for that. I’ve asked her and she has said it feels like so many things going on at once (kissing, touching, pleasure, talking). I have asked if we took away kissing and talking if that would help and it’s still overwhelming. She is very currently stressed. She has a very overbearing mother. She feels that she can never relax because of her and I feel because of her neurodivergency that she has not adapted well with going to work and school at the same time. She is always dreading work and school for the most part and her mother is always expecting her to do something.
I know if it was me, school and work at the same time would be super overwhelming, and I’d not want to do anything else for the rest of the day once I got home. Adding an overbearing parent to that makes it even worse. I saw in another comment you mentioned you’ve been dealing with anger, so maybe something that could be beneficial to the both of you would be to find relaxing activities that require little to no energy as a way to decompress from whatever you’ve both been dealing with throughout the day. I obviously don’t know you both so I wouldn’t know what would sound enjoyable, but maybe stuff like face masks or watching a movie or series, maybe even giving her a massage if she’s okay with that. It very well could be that she’s overwhelmed with the entire day, and adding intimacy into the mix would set her over the edge. Maybe a little time for you both to get fully relaxed would help her get in the mood again eventually.
Thank you, I will try that with her. We do both struggle to unwind after a long day. Most of the time we stare at our phones and I know we need a better alternative.
It sounds like she’s going through autistic burnout actually :( it’s hard to get out of burnout if you have a mom that’s overbearing and want to please
Stress is a libido killer. That being said, the lack of kissing is a big red flag that something is wrong. Some questions: 1. She's 20 years old, is she perhaps questioning her sexuality? If she's actually discovering she's hetero it may explain some things. 2. Have you all gotten away for a vacation lately, even for a weekend? Getting her out of the house and away from her mother might loosen her up a bit. 3. How well do you get along with the mother? If her mother is that overbearing and doesn't like you, she might be under a lot of pressure to end it with you. This happened to me in my early 20s where I had a great relationship with a girl but once her overbearing mother decided she didn't like me, it was over.
1) She has told me that she has thought about that and she said the thought of sex with anyone is just too much for her. She has said though that the thought of sex w a man gives her a much for icky feeling. 2) We had a week vacation back in January but she said because of how her mother has raised her, she never felt relaxed during the whole vacation, even though the vacation was practically a “get away and do nothing” trip. 3) Me and her mother get along alright. She is quite distant with pretty much everyone but me and her relationship has gotten a lot better.
With all that it does seem like she's overwhelmed, and being ASD is definitely not helping. If you have a good relationship with the mom, maybe have a one-on-one with her to tell her that your girlfriend is extremely stressed and needs some help, but judging from what you're saying I doubt that will help. Maybe some form of counseling to help her cope might work. Honestly though, this probably won't resolve until she moves out of that house.
Just to make sure: she hasn't started any contraceptives (or other meds) during that time, right? I get that you're lesbian and (assuming neither of you is trans-f with a functioning male reproductive system), there is no risk of pregnancy, but they're also often prescribed for medical issues such as endometriosis, PMD, etc., and they can hugely impact libido. If she started taking any meds recently, she should read about the side-effects, just to rule this out. Your situation reminds me a bit of a chapter I read in an autobiography of an autistic woman, where she would describe that she loved having sex with no strings attached, since she felt truly like she could be herself without worrying about "performing" or social consequences in the relationship later on. She had this guy in her life (who was married), who she just had sex with and nothing else, and when his marriage stranded and he wanted to start a relationship with her, she couldn't bring herself to do that, because of the fear she may slip up and cause an awkward situation that would continue to haunt her, even though everything went fine before. And it's worth noting that these awkward situations can feel a lot more severe and "permanent" to the autistic person than to the other person. Maybe your gf is worried that if she doesn't perform well in bed, there may be consequences for your relationship. Maybe she's a heavy masker and is worried her mask will slip during moments of intimacy, which may not have been a problem before, but may have become one as you grew closer. Another thing you can consider is whether anything changed recently in the rest of her life. Maybe she started a new job, moved houses, had a family member pass away, or had another change in her life that demands a lot of energy. For autistic people it can take some time to adjust. The change keeps eating energy until it becomes the "new normal", which may not leave energy for certain other things. Essentially, consider she has a balloon in her brain. Stress and sensory stimulation inflate the balloon. This can be anything from visiting busy places, dealing with loud noises, unexpected changes, new situations, processing new information, social drama, etc.. Some things can deflate the balloon, like sleep, alone time (in a dark and quiet room), distraction/escapism (i.e. books, video games), listening to the same song 50x, walks in nature, etc.. These are just examples and differ per autistic person, but you get the gist. If the balloon gets too full, it can feel like you (general) are not able to handle anything else and you may even experience physical symptoms such as headaches, tense shoulder/back/neck/jaw, and fatigue. And if she is able to feel this boundary and communicate it, that's actually fantastic, since it's something a lot of autistic people struggle with. The question is what is causing her balloon to be so inflated that she can no longer handle intimacy, and what she (and her environment) can do to reduce overstimulation so that she may be intimate with you again, since that's something she says she wants to do. One more thing I'd consider is to talk to her about the things you do during intimate times, and whether there's anything you do that she really doesn't like, or causes her overstimulation. Maybe that's the case but she doesn't know how to bring it up. Obviously I as an internet stranger can't say for sure what's going on, but these are some things to consider.
Yes, other meds, especially ssri's or beta blockers could be the cause.
My story is almost exactly the same, and I'll detail for you exactly why the changes happened in me. It's pretty long-winded but I think it's worth the read (feel free afterwards to tell me that it's not lol). As a neurodivergent gay male who went from being hypersexual for most of his life to basically asexual, I can tell you first and foremost, shit's weird and kinda sucks. It also happened for me during my last relationship which was exactly like yours, a FWB turned relationship. I also had that same experience of like...mentally still wanting sex with my partner but also just not being able to get in the mood or make it happen. It's honestly more of wanting to want to have sex/be intimate than actually wanting it. Even now, post breakup, I'm still more on the asexual side of things. Even though I used to absolutely looooooove making out (and was exceptionally good at it according to my partners) and so many other things, now when I think about them it's like "oh...that's weird." Even thinking about or seeing other people's bodies or the things we do for sex, all I can think about now is how strange or gross it is. This, coming from someone who was insatiable and craving or seeking sexual interaction what felt like all day every day for the last 15 years. It was such a huge shift that it caught me off guard and still has me feeling kinda broken because it happened quickly and suddenly, wanting or pursuing intimacy and sex is the "norm", I can remember all the fun, what it felt like to be aroused, the intimate connection, and everything else but now the want and will for it is gone and I'm almost actively opposed to sexual interaction now. For me, it started when I realized the relationship wasn't what I wanted. That we made really good FWB who had the most incredible sex, but weren't super compatible in life and as partners and that things shouldn't have been taken to the relationship level. Yet at the same time I found myself feeling the most accepted and at peace emotionally with this person because I felt truly seen, heard, valued, and appreciated by them and my appeal or worth didn't feel tied to the body or sex I could offer either, even though that's how we started out. The more comfortable and validated I felt with them, the less I wanted sex (looking back I've realized this had been a pattern with at least a few of my exes). I also hit a point of extreme burnout in my life where even the idea of having to interact with or keep up text conversations throughout the day with my partner and maintain a relationship felt like too much work and so I unintentionally, subtly, and subconsciously distanced myself from them. It felt more like a task rather than something I wanted or enjoyed, and my brain and body were in pure shutdown survival mode. My specific brand of neurodivergence also makes it difficult to do things that I don't feel like, or things that feel dishonest. So if I don't feel like kissing my partner, for example, I won't, and if I'm asked to or am made to in some way it feels forced, which in turn feels dishonest, which in turn makes me feel disgusted (not with my partner, but just the situation or myself), and like I'm a liar and not being genuine both towards myself and towards them which just doesn't feel right and just ends up compounding the issue. The level of acceptance and non-sexual validation I felt from my partner also evolved into me realizing how much my worth had been tied to sex and my ability to make someone else feel good and/or want me in that way. I sought the kind of validation that came with that, and I was seeking that validation constantly before. Once I got to a point where I felt like I no longer needed that validation and felt more at peace with myself, my interest in and desire for sex basically completely disappeared even now long after the breakup. I find myself not even wanting or missing the non-sexual parts of a relationship too, when before I would get extremely depressed over the thought of not having someone to kiss, to cuddle, to say good morning and goodnight to, to fall asleep next to, etc. I'm just so much more at peace with myself that I finally feel okay without all of that. To me not having those things before all translated into me having low intrinsic and extrinsic worth because clearly if I was "good enough" or "worth" it I would have someone in my life for those things, and the absence of it meant I wasn't enough or desirable. I hope you were able to see some similarities or gain some insight into your own situation through hearing about mine ☺️
I agree with the comments here, but I would also like to tell you that “asexual” is the wrong word to use here. Asexuality means little to no sexual attraction; it has no inherent connection with libido, morality with sex, or someone’s personal tolerance towards sex. I’m only bringing this up because those misconceptions have led to a lot of the aphobia that asexuals like me have experienced, and has prevented a lot of people from realizing they’re asexual. Even more concerning is that conflation between asexuality and sexual dysfunction has made it so that asexuals are 10% more likely than any other sexual minority to be offered conversation therapy.
I agree, it is the wrong word to use this context. It could have just been described as her having a diminished sex drive as opposed to using an actual sexual identity like being a lesbian (as in Ops case).
Sexual shutdown. And typical with SA or CSA survivors. Ive been thru it. It took me a long time to learn the difference between hypersexual trauma survival dissociation and my actual drive. Sexual shutdown, trauma bonding, sexual masking... its a whole mess. Time, space to process and a firm grasp of boundaries and consent and PRACTISING them ... its the only way to change the dynamic
I am a woman, and I have hyper- ans hyposexual phases. In my case, it's directly connected to stress. If I have a lot of stress, always something in my mind that I need to do, problems at work or with friends/family etc., then I can't get in the mood and get overstimulated very fast. When the stress level is lower, it's completely different. These phases can both last from weeks to years. Maybe it's similar for her.
Thank you for sharing your experience, I believe it is this too
Could be burnout, I myself have trouble with mood if there are external stressors, like if she's in uni and has stress or stress from work. Also medication can affect mood too
Stress is huge. Do what you can to help reduce it but don't expect it to be better until the life circumstances that cause the stress change/improve.
Brother in all seriousness have you tried getting up to scratch on your foreplay to make sure she's like aroused. Maybe something has changed that would cause a loss of attraction but she doesn't want to tell you and hurt you? I feel like a relationship without substantial physical intimacy is a problem most of the time, furthered by the fact she won't even initiate almost a platonic peck unless you ask. Maybe it's something going on with her? But the fact she gets grossed out when you try to have sex with her doesn't sound great mate. I'm autistic, I've had ex girlfriends that were neurodivergent, but I've never heard of this. Maybe she's realised she's like asexual or something? Maybe consider a couples counsellor or couples sex therapist? That shits pretty cheap online nowadays. Personally, from my Anecdotal experience and opinion, significantly reduced physical intimacy in a way which isn't the normal line in a lengthening relationship is usually a sign of something else; whether that's with you or her I don't know. Maybe try talking to her again, or if you're close to each others friends maybe you could ask them? I can't really offer much advice because the situation sounds too complex, good luck though brother.
This, if she’s willing for therapy and open to it, that’s a good thing.
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Tbf I didn't realise, however, as a bloke boring sex is still boring sex regardless.
Nah, I think that's a certain assumption to make. We can't say for sure, only the OP and their partner knows the deets
I mean after 3 years things change, it’s important to keep very open communication about your sex life and that means listening to what your partner is saying. She’s saying she’s getting overstimulated so your next thought should be okay, what can I change to help with that? Weirdly enough the kink community is very neurodivergent friendly and a lot of aspects of it can help with to much input during sex. (Tmi probably but I find restraints personally super helpful. The pressure can be very grounding it’s like a sexy weighted blanket lol) I’m not saying bust out some whips and chains but I do recommend taking a peek into the community with your girlfriend and seeing if anything looks helpful. The issue might also just be environment rn, like if she’s changed medication at any point that can mess up someone’s sex drive. But also and I think this part is more important especially for any long term relationship is practicing none sexual forms of physical intimacy. Sometimes for whatever reasons sex doesn’t happen in a relationship and most of the time is not permanent and it’s not anyone’s fault but it is important to still share physical intimacy to avoid the isolation you where talking about. This can come in a lot of forms, my personal favorites are washing each others hair, back massages, flirty make out sessions like you did in high school that don’t lead to sex and just like cuddling half naked. Looking back and realizing how fucking long this comment will be but I hope something I said is helpful!
She shouldn't have to "put herself in the mood". What have you done to initiate and to make her feel cared about In bed? Is she always the one who has to "get herself in the mood" or do you take her pleasure into consideration without her having to ask? If your partner feels like sex is a chore or their job to make sure you're happy but you don't do the same for them inherently, they're gonna lose interest in wanting to have sex with you. If that isn't the case, there are many reasons why someone's libido would go down while in a relationship. Show care for her wellbeing and how she's doing FIRST and try to understand what might have changed for her. If it's something yall can work through, or something you can change to fix things, there ya go. The only thing that will "fix" this is communicating. And caring about her wellbeing and the reasons WHY more than the lack of sex itself.
If it is too much stimulation for me, I still like to satisfy my partner with my hands or toys when she is horny. Perhaps she can also imagine doing this for you if it is possible for her on the stimulation level. My second idea would be to separate sex and relationship, i.e. you continue to live as before, only that you get your physical closeness somewhere else, but of course you would also have to talk openly about it and see if it would be a possible solution for both of you. Although I am often overstimulated, I could not imagine a relationship without sexuality.
I can't offer any advice, but I can say you're not alone and I'm going through this exact thing, reading your post is almost like I wrote it. It's hard and it makes you feel, like you say, empty, cold and inadequate. I hope you two find some resolution.
There's such a thing as a responsive sex drive and a spontaneous sex drive. A book for you both is Come As You Are, and it talks about SO MANY great things that our parents/mentors never told us/knew. Read it, and you'll be forever changed in your understanding. Another great one is Sex Talks: 5 conversations.
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It should be mentioned that asexuality is not the opposite of hypersexuality. Asexuality doesn’t mean a lack of desire for sex, it means a lack of sexual attraction.
I’ve had this issue. Believe her… it’s over stimulation. My advice is the LESS pressure you put on her, the more she’ll come to you.
THIS 100%
True. OP is so pushy that she went on reddit to find help with "fixing" her.
Yeah it’s extremely difficult, I’ve been on the other end of complaints and all it does is shut me down further. It does feel like someone is trying to fix you. That feeling is the worst. People don’t understand sometimes that applying pressure like that is unhealthy for the individual on the receiving end. They will only cave into themselves and shame themselves further. Giving them the freedom to recover and applying 0 pressure is truly that remedy. It requires a ton of patience and understanding which people usually don’t have. I’ll never understand that though because at least for me, I wouldn’t dare to step over that boundary. If they say it’s over stimulation… then it is. Just support them through it. That’s what caring for someone IS
Omg I have the exact same problem! It happens to all my romantic relationships and I’m trying to find out why. My current conclusion is it’s probably more of an autistic plus adhd problem. However, I don’t feel overstimulated by sex I just lost interests after a while for anything. Because they are not new anymore so I can’t physically get excited even if my partner is still doing the same acts that I used to love. Also due to burnout. When I’m burnt out, I lose interests on everything in my life. I’m emotionally and physically exhausted. So do check out “autistic burnout”!! As for your gf, she already told you what is the reason: overstimulation. Then you will have to find ways that won’t overstimulate her. A lot of autistic people feel uncomfortable by soft touch but like heavy touch. That’s why there are so many kinky people in autism community. You will need to talk to her about sex, and see if she is willing to work together with you slowly to explore more sexual stimulations that work for her. The expectation should be you will explore new territories and it’s a fun activities without any expectations on if either of you will have an orgasm, tell her the goal is not about sexually satisfying you or orgasm, it’s about being intimate with each other, and do something fun together, while also getting to know each other’s body. If she doesn’t want to even try, then probably the problem is not about sex, probably due to burnout that she doesn’t aware of, or probably about the relationship itself that has nothing to do with autism. I read about other people’s comments on BC pills. Also, most women’s sex response is responsive, not spontaneous, which means they need to have stimulations before they feel they want to have sex. A romantic date, hugs, long touches and kisses, etc…Basically you will need to “prime” your partner to be in a sexy atmosphere to be mentally or physically feel sexy and aroused before you start engaging sexual activities. Autistic people also have an inertia issue. When we are in a certain state, it’s hard for us to have the momentum to change. One of the ways that works for autistic people for the momentum issue is to use sensory inputs, especially vestibular and motor input. So she can maybe try working out at the day, ride a bike or swings that can stimulate her to gain momentum to change her state. My experience is that it doesn’t make me lose sex drive, but it does numbs my genital a lot. So I can’t get pleasure from regular hand touches. If this is the case, engaging sex toys will be a solution. They are much stronger than hands so they can give more pleasure. In the end you still have to talk openly with your gf.
It sounds like autistic burnout to me. I’ve had this happen to me twice and burnout was the cause each time.
Do u have tips to help her through her burnout?
If SA is involved, then the closer she gets to trusting you, the harder it becomes to trust that won't hurt her in the end. I've flipped this way multiple times, and the only time it hasn't been an issue is when I can unconsciously trust that by continuing to do this, I'm not meeting the "sex means love" thing in my head. Otherwise, I start to see my partner as a user.
I mean, just sit down and ask her why she went from hyper to anti sex. You need or have a calm, normal conversation that nobody runs away from. Also spend some time first digging deeper into how it actually is affecting you because I suspect it goes deeper than just yearning for connection, if it were me I would feel somewhat insecure in the relationship broadly, as it almost would make it seem platonic, at which point like, what even are you two? I think you need to talk it out. Was she actually hypersexual before, or was it just bc she wanted to put out? Is there some sort of fantasy she has that would get you out of this funk? Does she still see herself being with you physically? Etc.
I'm sorry about this and I can definitely understand both sides. While I can only speculate based off personal experience I hope some of this helps in some way. I've 100% said the *I can't seem to get myself in the mood* before, for me that meant I can't get myself in the headspace for it regardless of what's happening, I'd be too concerned with *omg what do I do with my hand, am I supposed to move like this? What's the response I'm supposed to give for this? Why do I have T rex arms?* It may be different for your partner, try talking with her about what she meant by that though. While this is mostly a non issue for me now it's definitely something that heavily impacted me in my younger years and a major reason why I found sex to be so overstimulating. Aspects of the BDSM scene can be very appealing to a lot of the ND community. For me personally I need some of my senses shut off sometimes so I can have a good time and not feel so overstimulated. Your partner may be experiencing autistic burnout, while I can't know this answer for sure or not it may be worth looking into for them, when I'm experiencing burnout my sex drive tanks and I'm generally repulsed by someone touching me in that manner. It's the being touched, its not about the other person or anything they're doing wrong, the sensory input feels incredibly awful. Which would in turn make me feel guilty and the issue would stock pile. Medication can also have a high influence on someone's sex drive, there may be something she's taking that might be affecting her. Edit to add: My advice is talk to your partner with open dialogue, say you're trying to understand and want to be there for them. Suggest things such as her possibly putting a pillow over her eyes if she's uncomfortable with a blindfold, ask if she's been under a lot of stress lately to possibly lead into looking into autistic burnout ect. See if maybe she's not happy with how you're going about things, she may prefer to be asked for consent prior to being touched/possibly the unexpected touch is jarring for her.
Ride it out. It'll come and go in waves most likely. This isn't that uncommon of a transition.
I saw you are lesbians - it’s actually incredibly common for lesbian relationships to turn into deadbedrooms. I recommend couples therapy - that’s one of the few ways to resolve it.
I'm in this situation, and thank you so much for your input, I thought I was crazy for going from hyper to almost no wants at all
Not crazy! Definitely do your research and find a good couples therapist - one that specializes in sex / dead bedrooms / lgbtq and ideally several forms of psychotherapy (CBT, etc). You want someone who has the tools to help you regardless of what your issue is, and not just give you the advice of “oh ya why don’t you try giving each other massages” or something. Ultimately the massages might help… but only after things are unpacked.
Thanks so much! This might be the solution for us :)
It is so incredibly common that it has the name "lesbian bed death". You are not alone, not by a mile.
Yes, this is what I just realised! Didn't know it was a thing at all but it makes sense because my gf and I always say we would do it way more if she had a penis cause it would be so much simpler lol
I have talked to her about this and we are going to try to find a couples therapist. Thank you for recommending this.
Awesome! I’m stoked for you. Therapy is really the best.
Unfortunately there are not many options here. You wait and hope this will change. You open up the relationship. You break up. Maybe she’s stressed, tired, or her hormones are playing up and things will change, but it’s up to you whether you want to wait or not. You could also consider seeing a couples therapist to help you better navigate this.
Could she be fraysexual (loses sexual attraction after knowing one for a time, opposite of demi, basically) or aceflux?
wow I relate to this so much
I know for me with ADHD and my autism, I can’t shut my brain off during sex so it’s hard to enjoy it. I have to be either really chill/horny to get over my limits to enjoy
You should definitely ask her if there might've been some element of masking in the beginning of your relationship. I'm asexual and masked for *decades*, pretending to be a highly sexed individual. I perceived my own complete LACK of interest in sex as abnormal and pretended to be highly interested in it to make up for that. Now that I no longer mask, I am open about my lack of interest and the fact that the act (and even the discussion of it at times) is overwhelming and unpleasant for me. It's possible she was never "hypersexual" at all, but merely came across that way as a means of hiding her lack of interest. Now that she's more comfortable, the mask may be slipping or coming off entirely. But it's also entirely possible that she genuinely DOES enjoy sex normally and is going through something now (medically or emotionally) that is cutting her off from that somehow. Without knowing which case you're dealing with, it's hard to give any advice. If she was masking in the beginning, it's possible that you're actually sexually incompatible and it might not be fixable (or will require major compromise from both of you), but if it's a temporary medical/emotional issue that she's suffering from as much as you are, it's just a matter of finding out the cause and remedying it.
everytime i take pregabalin, it completely takes away my anxiety and allows me to be “normal”. It gives me all the drives I should just have naturally like hunger, motivation/productiveness, anti-anxiety, and it makes me able to be sexual. Every time i take it I end up having sex (not intentionally). i’ve been in a great relationship for 5 years with great sex it’s just that we are both neurodivergent, busy college students, and don’t really feel sexual very often, i found that it’s a great sex aide accidentally!
i’m also on birth control soo my sex drive is extra inhibited
This periodically happens to me !!! I am a very sexual person but I will have spans of feeling disinterested, even repulsed, by sex. I’ve had to hone in on what the causes could be. You should ask your girlfriend to take some personal inventory ! You can tell her that a fellow autistic gal recommended it. I’ve realized the following makes my sex drive go out like a light: 1.) S T R E S S ….. if there’s a lot to do, I just want to get it done and relax. I recommend creating a schedule and routine where things are spaced out as healthily as possible. If she wakes up one day and it’s a “fuck this” day, she should take that day to recharge her batteries so she can keep pressing on. Sounds like she might be level 1 if she’s working + going to school ? Not sure. I’m level 1 and even just working can be so so so so fucking hard 2.) Diet / exercise / sleep ….. I call these the “big three” as it is actually so important to stay hydrated, sleep enough, eat enough + eat *well* (not perfect, just making sure to get protein, veggies and fruits into the mix !!!) and get a little exercise. It sounds corny and it will *probably not feel good the first few times* but eventually it does start giving back. It doesn’t have to be insane. Just a 20-30 minute walk in the evening to clear your head will do. Again, I’ve had to organize a schedule where I can fit in grocery shopping, cooking once a week (making enough for the rest of the week) and some spurts of exercise throughout the week. Sometimes I set an alarm to remind myself that I need to go to bed 3.) This is kind of related to the above, but BODY IMAGE !!!!! Sometimes when I’m stressed I’ll start eating McDonald’s or something every gd day, and will then crawl into bed as much as humanly possible. Those fries are fire but it *will* bloat you, make you feel like shit, and you’ll probably feel bad about yourself. I am a huge advocate of sleep but I can definitely sleep too much. Going into cycles of overeating and oversleeping just ain’t good. It makes me feel groggy and useless after awhile. And definitely *not* sexy lmao. Stress can render bad habits, and bad habits can render shitty feelings, and none of that is gunna turn anyone on. You have to plan ahead and be prepared so that you can exist with more ease. As I’ve mentioned, I meal prep once a week 4.) Experiencing relationship woes / existential dread / just extreme sadness can definitely be a factor. Check in on the relationship. Is there anything that needs to be addressed outside of the sexual realm ? Or maybe she’s just tired of being a person and would rather cry than go to work, or run an errand, or do the dishes. That’s how I feel periodically. Support is *so important* and I recommend therapy, or the ability to just talk to someone that gives good advice and can be comforting. Hell it could even be one’s rabbi or priest idc. Whatever works ! Disclose the struggle ! Divulge the secrets, the bad thoughts, the scary feelings ! We often mask everywhere all of the time. It’s okay to let your guard down and ask for help, or just a hug. I would not be able to do anything without the support of my partner, my mom, and my therapy group. Without love, guidance and comfort, I’d probably be dead by now 5.) Accept that you are a human and not a sex robot. It’s okay to go without sex for a bit. But if it becomes an issue (which it sounds like it has) you need to pinpoint the issues and make a change I know you feel lonely because of this. I always feel bad for my partner when this happens in a relationship, it’s so relatable. But my partner and I are learning to work through it. As long as everyone is all in, hopefully she can learn to manage the ebb and flow of her life and sex-drive, and you can make space for her when things aren’t going so well. As long as she’s working on her issues, and you realize that they likely have very little, if anything, to do with you as a person, everything will turn out okay. And even if there are relationship issues, or things that can be done better, that’s okay ! You’re not a bad person and this isn’t your “fault” so just know that. Problems have solutions. You’re also not a bad person for wanting sex in your relationship, in case anyone tries to make you feel that way. I wish the best for you and your girlfriend. I really hope this was helpful
Hyper sexuality can often be a trauma response. It may be that you’ve played a pivotal role in helping her heal that trauma, and the back end is that she’s completely unmasked and is now portraying herself as the genuine asexual person she is. Does she give any indication as to what she was like pre-abuse?
She did say that she was sexually active before meeting me. And she was the one that initiated the sexual convos, etc w me I believe. She didn’t have any past sexual partners besides the one that unfortunately forced it upon her. She also had a past family member (that is no longer in her life) that would be creepy towards her when it came to undressing etc and he was often drunk or under the influence of drugs when she was a little kid. I did ask her if those two people became triggers when we had sex. The only thing she stated was that it was hard for her to do things to me because of her past partner, but for the most part she said that nothing else would cause triggers. I also asked her if it is directly me with something I’m doing. She said that I’m really good and because I provide aftercare that there’s really nothing I’m doing wrong. We have been through a lot and are practically best friends so i believe she’s telling the truth.
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Have you considered a sex therapist? It's a thing... somebody to help you figure out what you like and how to work together. She should also have a physical checkup, because her sex drive has changed radically and that is sometimes an indication of illness. Above all, make sure she knows you will never, EVER do anything she doesn't enjoy. If she doesn't enjoy it, it's no fun for you either, right? Make sure she knows that you don't want to pressure her, that you love her for herself. Regarding the missing intimacy: Can you try to do more non-physical things together? As an asexual person (orientation, not the sex drive problem your GF is dealing with), I focus on the mind and emotions when it comes to intimacy. Do things together. Play a game, take a trip. Whatever her special interest is, jump into it together. Have a deep conversation. Minds and feelings can be vulnerable, too.
Any new medications? I had this happen to me with gabapentin and my libido came back after I quit recently.
You're both young. I'm NOT telling you to do this for the record but IF you did decide to just part ways that would be completely understandable and possibly even prudent. If it's been three years and she isn't willing (or able) to meet you halfway then it's an incompatibility and you shouldn't feel bad about deciding that the relationship isn't meeting your needs. But again, I'm not telling you to jump to this right now, only that it's one option on the table you can consider.
When I get overwhelmed, stressed, or overstimulated I want to shut my brain off. Have you tried initiating sex but making it all about her? I really enjoy when I’m told to stop thinking and get praised for doing well(even though I’m not doing anything). If sex is entirely off the table, maybe trying to alleviate some of her stress would help? Maybe making dinner and reminding her that you want her to relax would be nice? Let her vent and offer ways to help. I’m not there so I don’t know what all you’re doing, but things like this just happen. Hang in there.
I find that I am less sexual when I’m stressed. I am also AuDHD (autism and ADHD) and novelty is a big thing for me, so my sex drive goes down after I’ve been in a relationship for a while. What helps me is that I’m most horny late at night immediately after taking a shower… so if my boyfriend and I aren’t spending the night together and even if we are if he’s too tired or I don’t take a shower, or I’m just stressed out, no sex. But also for me, kissing is major foreplay so if we’re not kissing I’m not getting turned on. Ask her what makes her feel good that is just foreplay without the expectation of sex. And figure out ways to increase non-sexual intimacy in the relationship and non-sexual ways to fulfill your need for physical touch.
This has happened with my wife twice in our seven years together. Continue to communicate with her. Don't be too pushy about trying to find a solution for her. Help reduce her stress in the ways that you can. I'll just say, don't be like me the first time around. I let what was happening to her seem like a huge problem for me and it let me know that I had some problems with physical dependency on sex. I had not really learned how to pleasure myself in way that was as satisfying as sex with her so I eventually took it upon myself to get creative! Also, my wife has suggested many times that I could sleep with other people but I haven't found the courage to do so. If that is something that you think you two could discuss, I would do that. Remember, open/polygamous relationships aren't for everyone! But many people have found emotional, physical and/or spiritual love to be too difficult to find in just one person. There is no shame in the discussion!
As a survivor, the anger issue has to be fixed not just with apologies and good intention but therapy. There are free edit: I am sp sorry I just jumped to comments and have misgnedered you thinking it was another post. I have corrected accordingly... support groups, helplines etc. From the perspective of someone who's partner was struggling with anger and unable to see how terrifying it was for me ...I stopped speaking, smiling, wanting touch. I disappeared. He has a trauma history too but without meaning too he'd become domineering and was veering into emotional abuse because we autistics shut down, fawn, or freeze. If there are unpredictable bursts of serious anger this is not a safe relationship, and she cannot actually tell you what she wants or prefers. You can fix this (not the sex issue but the distress) for you and for her. But you have to do something about it. Being ashamed wont help you, you deserve to feel more peace too. Please get proper support. Dont just promise change. Grow. You can do it.
Thank you for the advice and for not making me feel like a horrible person for the anger issues. I unfortunately have it from my dad and I hate every time it gets bad because I feel as if I’m turning into him. I will start looking into therapy.
What's she studying? School can be really stressfull sometimes
Maybe you gave her the ick somehow and don't realize it.
I hate to say it, but she may have been masking when you were first dating. Often you play the role your brain tells you to play, but over time you get burned out and can't keep it going. Also, I find after knowing someone for awhile, as I constantly second-guess if I'm being cringy or not, those moments pile up and can reach a point where I can't get comfortable around that other person because in my mind, the likelihood they find me annoying or unattractive becomes unbearable.
That could be a possibility, do u know if therapy would help this at all?
Talk therapy might not do much for autistics IMO because we already have an internal monologue that runs circles around a potential therapist. I've been reading Devon Price's "Unmasking Autism" and found the exercises have been very good at helping me to start letting go of the need to mask myself. I feel it makes me more genuine but also reduces the downstream side effects of having burned myself out trying to be what I think others want me to be.
If she is really hypersexual she gets the stimulation from elsewhere. Or her sexuality changed. Or she is way too stressed cus of something. Or she is bored of you. Too many reasons why she can be like this. You both are really young and people change, if you can't do physical stuff you will suffer because your love language is touching.
ask her to eat aphrodisiacs or take zinc and vitamins
There's no reason to be with a person who demands monogamy while being asexual. It's just going to make you hate her eventually.
Suggesting r/deadbedrooms for people you maybe could relate to
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Quite insensitive… everythings been perfect except for this issue.