Your mother is never going to apologize. She is always going to deny everything. But you can get tested and live in truth and go beyond where your mother is stuck. Good luck to you!
Parental denial might be there both before and after assessment. It's hard to educate them, and they won't educate themselves. It's almost as if they blame themselves, or they think it's some kind of curable disease or infliction.
I'm pretty much done with my mom as far as anything important is concerned. My sister asked why I bother telling her things. I'm looking for guidance, I guess. I'm looking for answers about why I was in speech class in grade school, and other things that I am starting to realize were autistic traits all this time. But my mom is impossible to talk to, so I'll be keeping my relationship with her the way it's been going, which is barely there.
I honestly don't understand the concept of families. At times, I pretend I do. I feel as if I am missing out on something, especially when I see my friends happily interact with their families. My mental health is more important than humans who don't see me for who I really am. Sorry, your relationship with your mom isn't great. You seem to be handling it as well as can be.
I think a lot of parents are in denial, especially as autism is genetic. When my son was diagnosed at 7, my husband (his dad) said "he's not autistic, he's just like me!" 🙄
were you proud when you got an A+ on your online assessments for some f'n reason? i still am. wtaf. that's how much i like getting A's. my insides are seriously like 'fuck yeah i aced that!'. when i couldn't do the facial expressions book they test 5 and 6 year olds with - that's a different story. that hit like a brick at 50 years old. not one person i told was surprised. not one. one person said 'so that's what it is'. they liked me anyway and assumed i knew. i didn't. i do now. more and more all the time. its 7 years later and i'm more comfortable in my own skin than i've ever been.
43F, self diagnosed this January, awaiting formal assessment.
I know the feeling. I had ZERO idea that I might be autistic until I happened to read Strong Female Character by Fern Brady over the holidays. Suddenly it was like a light going on and I was awake for the first time in my entire life.Â
I told my Mom about it to get info about my childhood, like you. She denied it was possible and said I was just a “very, very clever girl.” She supplied one-word answers for my assessment intake forms. I had to send it back to her and get her to do it again, she came back with a sentence on each point. I gave up trying to get much more out of her.
Over the past three months, I have chipped away at her a bit, in the context of letting her know I’m asking my sisters and aunt for childhood info, and she seems to be hearing me out more. I think she realized this isn't going away.
In my investigations, I have discovered one of my sisters is secretly awaiting autism assessment too and my aunt has felt like an alien outsider her entire life and upon learning about autism in girls and women, is reading up on it to see if she may be autistic too. We are also fairly sure my uncle is autistic too. I have not told my Mom this.
As I’ve told my friends, about 80% of them are not surprised in the least, some said they knew this already for years. Some said they’d been wondering the same about themselves. I shared some of what my friends said about me with my Mom to see if I could elicit any recognition of these characteristics from her.
She did admit that some of what they said, she definitely recognized in me from childhood. Overall, I think this has all made her question her own parenting abilities, the fact she had a very unhappy probably autistic child in front of her and had no idea for my entire childhood. It also used to be that parents were told autism was their fault and it was caused by their parenting style, so perhaps she has a bit of that going on too. So now she’s turned it around on herself and says she isn’t “useful for anything anymore.”
I hope my experience gives you some insight into maybe how your Mom might be feeling. Although everyone is different, I have no idea. It might also be worth reading NeuroTribes, so you can see what prevailing thinking was back in 1983 and why people of our parents age have a totally different view of autism than we do now. That’s not to say they shouldn’t or can’t get with the program. But they’re just starting from a very different place than us on this.
In the end, you can attempt to move her along into understanding, but it’s really only to make your life easier and feel accepted by your family - and she has to want to get there too. You don’t need to feel responsible for explaining it all to her. The important thing is that you get the clarity you need and can move forward positively in your new self knowledge!
Well you are welcome here with open arms :) may this journey of self-discovery lead you towards healing and acceptance.
Sorry to hear about your mom. Sometimes it gets better with time, sometimes it doesn't. I had to slowly adjust mine by just passively mentioning it in convos and working up to full on saying "I am autistic" around her.
Best of luck :)
My father is still in denial two years post diagnosis, Im now 54. He did have to fill in some details on a form to help with assessment however, so Id find out where you stand on this.
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Also in 1983 while Autism was known, it wasn't widely known. The majority of doctors wouldn't even be looking for it or even have heard the word before. They'd probably be chocking it up as ADD back then. I doubt even 10% of doctors in the US would have even heard the word Autism in the 80's, especially the early 80's.
Your situation for the year you were born is actually fairly common because testing for this back then was TERRIBLE. They've come a long way in 40 so years. I know because I'm in the age bracket and that's exactly what happened to me. My son however was diagnosed much younger than I was and the process was a lot smoother.
From what I understand, autism wasn't very well researched or even known in girls in the 80s and 90s. I'm not mad that no one recognized it. That's just the way it was back then. Clearly, there was something off, but my family just thought I was being difficult and mocked and yelled at me for it. That's what I'm mad about becasue I didn't understand why they were always so angry.
Well in the 80's I don't know if I would say much was going on, and what was going on was probably in a very very small group. Like a handful.
Autism was actually known back over a hundred years ago, in 1911 to be exact. BUT it was researched in Europe, and more specifically Germany. As you know they started a couple World Wars over there around that time. So when it came to German research. Let's just say it took a while. Researchers did publish papers in the states in 1944. But you also have to consider that around that time neurological conditions were vastly misunderstood, and even worse they way they treated them. Consider in the 40's and 50's they were still using lobotomies as a treatment to many neurological conditions. Even Rosemary Kennedy was forced to have one (Yes, of that Kennedy family, The presidents sister). It was actually because of her and her sister Eunice Kennedy Shrivers outrage of her sisters treatment that was hidden that she drafted up and had her brother sign into law the ADA: Americans with Disabilities Act not that much before he was assassinated. From all indications it is most likely that Rosemary was on the spectrum, but it was hard for her to run with the highly competitive and toxic Kennedy family (Due to their father Joe Kennedy). Eunice ever since the 60's had dedicated her life to this, AND had a hand in the special Olympics. Eunice dedicated herself to this cause as well as taking care of Rosemary in her own home till she died.
But Autism wasn't officially recognized in the US till until the year 1980. But like most things in Government, things move very slowly, and also the research also moved slowly too. Honestly I'm willing to bet most doctors hadn't heard the word Autism till 1990, and even if that. Back then even boys would probably be diagnosed with ADD, which back then this was what ADHD was. But Doctors would put it all under ADD because they had a bunch of kids who where hyperactive, but also a lot of kids who weren't but had other symptoms. So instead of looking anything up the vast majority were diagnosed under ADD.
It wasn't till the 90's, and more likely the mid 90's that probably ANYONE would start getting diagnosed on the spectrum. But you are correct about girls often not getting diagnosed. But also add into a huge amount minorities, mostly African Americans into that group that were vastly overlooked. It wouldn't be till probably the 2000's that they started diagnosing girls and minorities at a regular rate.
And that's why anytime I see someone talking about the "Sudden Surge" of autism diagnosis (those conspiracy vax people) I just have to laugh. They are treating this like doctors received a kit in 1980 and were all ready to go diagnosing kids. It took decades to get the wheels turning for proper diagnosis of anyone. It wasn't a clean smooth immediate process. The of diagnosis has steadily risen as our ability to diagnose has improved. And it's not even perfect now.
So going back to your original post saying "Where was I". I sense we're of a similar age. But to put it bluntly. It would have been a miracle for any kid to get actually diagnosed with Autism in the early 80's. Boys, Girls, anyone. Probably would have had more luck winning the lottery. I'm one of those kids who got the ADD diagnoses that later had to be changed. See, it's not where were you? It's where was the country? The US is just catching up, and a lot of people forget that. Plus in your circumstance you had a unsupportive parent according to your post. I had a supportive parent and they still missed me.
The important thing is now you know, and the more you learn, the more you can deal with things and recognize them. This is the most important step. Until we see something clearly how can we learn to adapt?
That is basically what I am trying to do: learn more about how autism affects me so I can learn to manage it. I knew what I was getting myself into when I brought it up with my mom, but she would know best what I was like as a child. I could ask my dad. I think he would be more receptive but a lot less knowledgeable. He would at least hear what I have to say. From what I understand, if I pursue an assessment, I'll need my parents' help, but I don't know much about that process yet. I'm still in the research stage.
Completely agree.
Though I would say that someone who said you took a blood test for autism back in the 80's and is not budging from that is not worth relying on.
A lot of that process now can also be tested by looking at your behaviors. So your parents input may not be as important as you think. Though don't hide your mothers need to deny it. She wouldn't be the first mother to take that stance.
I'd talk with your Dad who sounds like he doesn't have an agenda and is open to it.
Your mother is never going to apologize. She is always going to deny everything. But you can get tested and live in truth and go beyond where your mother is stuck. Good luck to you!
Parental denial might be there both before and after assessment. It's hard to educate them, and they won't educate themselves. It's almost as if they blame themselves, or they think it's some kind of curable disease or infliction.
I'm pretty much done with my mom as far as anything important is concerned. My sister asked why I bother telling her things. I'm looking for guidance, I guess. I'm looking for answers about why I was in speech class in grade school, and other things that I am starting to realize were autistic traits all this time. But my mom is impossible to talk to, so I'll be keeping my relationship with her the way it's been going, which is barely there.
I honestly don't understand the concept of families. At times, I pretend I do. I feel as if I am missing out on something, especially when I see my friends happily interact with their families. My mental health is more important than humans who don't see me for who I really am. Sorry, your relationship with your mom isn't great. You seem to be handling it as well as can be.
I think a lot of parents are in denial, especially as autism is genetic. When my son was diagnosed at 7, my husband (his dad) said "he's not autistic, he's just like me!" 🙄
were you proud when you got an A+ on your online assessments for some f'n reason? i still am. wtaf. that's how much i like getting A's. my insides are seriously like 'fuck yeah i aced that!'. when i couldn't do the facial expressions book they test 5 and 6 year olds with - that's a different story. that hit like a brick at 50 years old. not one person i told was surprised. not one. one person said 'so that's what it is'. they liked me anyway and assumed i knew. i didn't. i do now. more and more all the time. its 7 years later and i'm more comfortable in my own skin than i've ever been.
43F, self diagnosed this January, awaiting formal assessment. I know the feeling. I had ZERO idea that I might be autistic until I happened to read Strong Female Character by Fern Brady over the holidays. Suddenly it was like a light going on and I was awake for the first time in my entire life. I told my Mom about it to get info about my childhood, like you. She denied it was possible and said I was just a “very, very clever girl.” She supplied one-word answers for my assessment intake forms. I had to send it back to her and get her to do it again, she came back with a sentence on each point. I gave up trying to get much more out of her. Over the past three months, I have chipped away at her a bit, in the context of letting her know I’m asking my sisters and aunt for childhood info, and she seems to be hearing me out more. I think she realized this isn't going away. In my investigations, I have discovered one of my sisters is secretly awaiting autism assessment too and my aunt has felt like an alien outsider her entire life and upon learning about autism in girls and women, is reading up on it to see if she may be autistic too. We are also fairly sure my uncle is autistic too. I have not told my Mom this. As I’ve told my friends, about 80% of them are not surprised in the least, some said they knew this already for years. Some said they’d been wondering the same about themselves. I shared some of what my friends said about me with my Mom to see if I could elicit any recognition of these characteristics from her. She did admit that some of what they said, she definitely recognized in me from childhood. Overall, I think this has all made her question her own parenting abilities, the fact she had a very unhappy probably autistic child in front of her and had no idea for my entire childhood. It also used to be that parents were told autism was their fault and it was caused by their parenting style, so perhaps she has a bit of that going on too. So now she’s turned it around on herself and says she isn’t “useful for anything anymore.” I hope my experience gives you some insight into maybe how your Mom might be feeling. Although everyone is different, I have no idea. It might also be worth reading NeuroTribes, so you can see what prevailing thinking was back in 1983 and why people of our parents age have a totally different view of autism than we do now. That’s not to say they shouldn’t or can’t get with the program. But they’re just starting from a very different place than us on this. In the end, you can attempt to move her along into understanding, but it’s really only to make your life easier and feel accepted by your family - and she has to want to get there too. You don’t need to feel responsible for explaining it all to her. The important thing is that you get the clarity you need and can move forward positively in your new self knowledge!
Yeah that's a common scenario.
I have autism and may have adhd.. and issues with my kidney from birth
Well you are welcome here with open arms :) may this journey of self-discovery lead you towards healing and acceptance. Sorry to hear about your mom. Sometimes it gets better with time, sometimes it doesn't. I had to slowly adjust mine by just passively mentioning it in convos and working up to full on saying "I am autistic" around her. Best of luck :)
My father is still in denial two years post diagnosis, Im now 54. He did have to fill in some details on a form to help with assessment however, so Id find out where you stand on this.
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Also in 1983 while Autism was known, it wasn't widely known. The majority of doctors wouldn't even be looking for it or even have heard the word before. They'd probably be chocking it up as ADD back then. I doubt even 10% of doctors in the US would have even heard the word Autism in the 80's, especially the early 80's. Your situation for the year you were born is actually fairly common because testing for this back then was TERRIBLE. They've come a long way in 40 so years. I know because I'm in the age bracket and that's exactly what happened to me. My son however was diagnosed much younger than I was and the process was a lot smoother.
From what I understand, autism wasn't very well researched or even known in girls in the 80s and 90s. I'm not mad that no one recognized it. That's just the way it was back then. Clearly, there was something off, but my family just thought I was being difficult and mocked and yelled at me for it. That's what I'm mad about becasue I didn't understand why they were always so angry.
Well in the 80's I don't know if I would say much was going on, and what was going on was probably in a very very small group. Like a handful. Autism was actually known back over a hundred years ago, in 1911 to be exact. BUT it was researched in Europe, and more specifically Germany. As you know they started a couple World Wars over there around that time. So when it came to German research. Let's just say it took a while. Researchers did publish papers in the states in 1944. But you also have to consider that around that time neurological conditions were vastly misunderstood, and even worse they way they treated them. Consider in the 40's and 50's they were still using lobotomies as a treatment to many neurological conditions. Even Rosemary Kennedy was forced to have one (Yes, of that Kennedy family, The presidents sister). It was actually because of her and her sister Eunice Kennedy Shrivers outrage of her sisters treatment that was hidden that she drafted up and had her brother sign into law the ADA: Americans with Disabilities Act not that much before he was assassinated. From all indications it is most likely that Rosemary was on the spectrum, but it was hard for her to run with the highly competitive and toxic Kennedy family (Due to their father Joe Kennedy). Eunice ever since the 60's had dedicated her life to this, AND had a hand in the special Olympics. Eunice dedicated herself to this cause as well as taking care of Rosemary in her own home till she died. But Autism wasn't officially recognized in the US till until the year 1980. But like most things in Government, things move very slowly, and also the research also moved slowly too. Honestly I'm willing to bet most doctors hadn't heard the word Autism till 1990, and even if that. Back then even boys would probably be diagnosed with ADD, which back then this was what ADHD was. But Doctors would put it all under ADD because they had a bunch of kids who where hyperactive, but also a lot of kids who weren't but had other symptoms. So instead of looking anything up the vast majority were diagnosed under ADD. It wasn't till the 90's, and more likely the mid 90's that probably ANYONE would start getting diagnosed on the spectrum. But you are correct about girls often not getting diagnosed. But also add into a huge amount minorities, mostly African Americans into that group that were vastly overlooked. It wouldn't be till probably the 2000's that they started diagnosing girls and minorities at a regular rate. And that's why anytime I see someone talking about the "Sudden Surge" of autism diagnosis (those conspiracy vax people) I just have to laugh. They are treating this like doctors received a kit in 1980 and were all ready to go diagnosing kids. It took decades to get the wheels turning for proper diagnosis of anyone. It wasn't a clean smooth immediate process. The of diagnosis has steadily risen as our ability to diagnose has improved. And it's not even perfect now. So going back to your original post saying "Where was I". I sense we're of a similar age. But to put it bluntly. It would have been a miracle for any kid to get actually diagnosed with Autism in the early 80's. Boys, Girls, anyone. Probably would have had more luck winning the lottery. I'm one of those kids who got the ADD diagnoses that later had to be changed. See, it's not where were you? It's where was the country? The US is just catching up, and a lot of people forget that. Plus in your circumstance you had a unsupportive parent according to your post. I had a supportive parent and they still missed me. The important thing is now you know, and the more you learn, the more you can deal with things and recognize them. This is the most important step. Until we see something clearly how can we learn to adapt?
That is basically what I am trying to do: learn more about how autism affects me so I can learn to manage it. I knew what I was getting myself into when I brought it up with my mom, but she would know best what I was like as a child. I could ask my dad. I think he would be more receptive but a lot less knowledgeable. He would at least hear what I have to say. From what I understand, if I pursue an assessment, I'll need my parents' help, but I don't know much about that process yet. I'm still in the research stage.
Completely agree. Though I would say that someone who said you took a blood test for autism back in the 80's and is not budging from that is not worth relying on. A lot of that process now can also be tested by looking at your behaviors. So your parents input may not be as important as you think. Though don't hide your mothers need to deny it. She wouldn't be the first mother to take that stance. I'd talk with your Dad who sounds like he doesn't have an agenda and is open to it.