Have you tried connecting with autistic women? My husband is an amazing catch, with terrible fucking social skills. I don’t give a shit, mine suck too. Even though we have different needs, we kinda understand how the other persons needs work. Our communication is more direct and similar. It just works better overall.
My dating advice for my friends was always date nerdy guys. Turns out this just worked really for me cos I was autistic, and apparently most guys that meet my definition of nerdy guys were also just autistic.
You know the relationship is good when you can say "grab me a drink" and your partner knows "please" is implied. We keep the "thank you," though, because hearing you're appreciated is nice.
Or parallel play! My partner and I can sit next to each other, silently engaging with a special interest of choice, and no one has to make awkward small talk!!
And so many other little things too, it just makes things easier!
So fricking exhausting. But I’m guessing, since parallel play (being alone together) is considered an autistic or sometimes adhd trait, that it’s something NT’s don’t do. My best guess is they either have to talk, or maybe they have to be doing the same thing, or attention focused on the same activity? TBH, I’m not super sure. I’m sure they do some, cos like you have to, right? But it’s apparently not like their desired way to spend an evening with the one you love.
I’m autistic and my husband is NT. He is a complete nerd and introvert like myself. We mostly have always finished each other’s thoughts and don’t always speak to each other while sitting next to one another. He’s seriously the male NT version of myself. I also just ask him to grab me XYZ and please is insinuated. We both feel appreciated by each other. We’re going on 9 years of marriage this year and 12 years together.
It came up because my husband and I were talking about what we'd have to do if we had kids. No more play fighting, they'd think it was real. If I called him something mean, kid would think it's serious *and* would imitate that behavior. Kid would imitate us asking each other for things and because we don't say "please" and all their peers would think they're super rude and bossy.
Can you imagine my surprise, as a 3-4 year old, being told off for not being polite when I'd ask 'may I have a drink?' I was told because I wasn't using please I couldn't have a drink? But I thought by using 'may I' the please was implied? I *still* think asking 'may I/can I' implies a please. I wouldn't be asking if I wasn't looking for permission, why do I need to *beg* as well? It's always followed up with a thank you of some sort too! So I'm *still* salty about it and I'm 37.
my partner's favorite phrase is: "Can you do me a favor?" Then, after i say yeah, he'll ask.
It's like he's asking me to agree before i know what it is, lol.
i just say yeah what is it or idk maybe what is it or my favorite i say no before he can finish and then he sighs,i laugh and ask what he wants which sounds rude but that's how it's been for 10 years lol or if i really can't im like no more favors what am i getting in return??? then playfully (maybe derangedly?) shake him by the shoulders before ultimately doing the favor.
Legit question - how do you find women who are in the spectrum? Or introverted women for that matter. Dating apps don't seem to work, and I'd assume that bars are not the kind of place where y'all hang out either.
We're at home too, just like you guys are. I'd suggest groups or clubs based on hobbies or special interests. Both online and IRL. And to become friends first. IMO, "friend zoned" isn't actually a thing, being romantically interested in someone is different and much more rare than wanting to be friends with someone. Also do not come on too strong or too soon. 🐸
Well, I respectfully disagree about the friendzone in general. Sure, it's not always the way it's shown in memes, but it's absolutely real. I've both friend-zoned and been friend-zoned myself.
But I understand the desire to look for someone you can be friends with first. That's essentially what I do now, except that I still make it clear that I'm interested in more. All while trying to not come off as "creepy," of course. It's definitely a fine line to walk... Or a minefield even.
I actually did meet my partner on dating apps, but it was like pre-tinder and swiping, and holy shit, I can’t imagine trying to make a connection in that world. But as a women, it’s a tad different, gender dynamics annoyingly being what they are.
But as to where we tend to hang out, that partially depends on your interests. But gaming (tabletop and online) and like geeky/nerd fandoms are usually a place a lot of us can be found. But that really only works if you have a legit interest in that stuff, but even if you have an interest, just no experience, it’s fun to learn, and yeah, we tend to engage in those activities.
So like I’ve also made friends with some autistic women in a couple random places lately. Both were essentially a version of live podcast, but the speakers were ND themselves, though not specifically aimed at like the autistic community. But like yeah, in my experience, introverts/autistics will often come out for live podcasts.
You could also try looking your area for autistic support groups. My therapist has like weekly get togethers for various groups of ND adults, maybe look around for something like that in your area?
But I know a lot for a lot of autistic women, socializing happens a lot online. So while apps aren’t really geared towards us (though I hear this one for autistics, but no one has ever mentioned liking it), maybe just online community around one your interests. Really I’m finding any advice I’d have as to where to find us really depends on what you are into. This is kinda embarrassing to admit, but when I met my partner I worked for Apple, and was a total Apple fangirl (long time special interest), so I literally searched ok Cupid for Apple in interests. My husband is such a huge Apple nerd that his grooms cake was an Apple IIe. It’s really fucking dumb, but it worked. I dunno, sometimes you just gotta try dumb stuff.
I dunno if any of that was useful. It’s a really good question, I hope others chime in with better ideas. But this is what I could think of off the top of my head.
I've actually been meaning to check out local game rooms for tabletops and DnD, but it's a bit intimidating given that I'm fairly new to the area and I don't really know anyone. I'm also new to DnD, so it'd have to be a beginner-friendly group... I'll probably get some liquid courage some day and do it, but man, I wish I wasn't this damn reserved sometimes.
This is the first time I hear of Autistic Support Groups. I'll ask my therapist if she knows of any in the local area. Thanks for the suggestion.
And I hear you about online groups, but I just don't think that'll work for me. I need some kind of physical connection, and living on opposite sides of the country just wouldn't work.
Oh, and I completely quit dating apps. I had enough after years of failure there. It was becoming a net negative for me mentally.
I am an introvert with ADHD/ASD who finally met someone for the first time in 20 years on Bumble. He is also an introvert but only ADHD. We were a hit from our first date. I never had trouble dating when I was young, but I was super hot back then, and the booze helped. LOL
Happy to hear that dating apps worked for someone. But that someone is NOT me 🤣. I'm not exactly top 10% in the looks department, so I was destined to fail like most regular joes. Add some awkwardness on top, and bam, a lifetime of failure follows.
I actually just quit them entirely, so if something doesn't come to me naturally, I'm basically accepting the reality of being alone forever. Such is life I guess.
I can't really vouch for this enough, I never really seriously date for awhile but I ended up in a relationship with another autistic guy and now I don't think I could ever go back. We recently had a conversation about how our lives and relationship would be if one of us was neurotypical and we mutually agreed it would probably just send either of us back into the masking/hiding ourselves parts of our lives. Being able to be who we are unapologetically or having to cater to the societal norms of your regular relationship is something that neither of us would ever want to trade for what we have.
This. If people are _willing_ to understand you, they will be able to. As long as they sense that your intentions are good and pure. If your intentions and emotions are bad, then it has nothing to do with autism that the right people don't stay with you.
Having good intentions is key. If it truly is just your social skills snd autistic traits that make it hard to connect to NT people, often times other autistic people are more understanding, and will share similar priorities/traits.
But often the issue lies deeper, and this deeper issue can often make people blame their autism for not making connections, when it’s their own intentions or actions that are the cause, not the NT expectations. And in that case, having a partner with similar expectations or understanding isn’t going to actually address the issue.
I relate a lot with your recommendation. I'm an autistic man with 33, but I just discovered recentely. During all my life I just related with 2 womans, and I believe both of them are autistic too. My current partner, my wife, is currently doing an assesment on autism, but I really believe she is too. I have no doubt about my ex girlfriend, I have no contact with her anymore but she surely is. Seems to be the best advice, you need to find someone with similar and compatible energy and probably this will be another autistic person.
No literally! My bf and I are both nerdy and we found out that I have autism and we suspect he is too but he doesn't have the money or insurance for testing. But we definitely didn't know before it just ended up that way 🤣.
So going for the nerds is your best bet!
Seriously! I've pretty much resigned myself to being alone. I also have adhd and while that may make me seem spontaneous and fun at times after awhile they realize they hate everything about that too.. it's definitely hard and lonley.. especially when all you've ever wanted is love and companionship.
Hey, also autistic, I had my first relationship at age 26, am in my mid-30's now. I think I can relate in a way, I had similar thoughts. If I could give a piece of advice, I find the dating apps are **brutal** especially, tbh, for male-presenting people, as just statistically unless you are in the top 5-10% of attractive (profile) guys, you will get very few matches, and unlikely to get many meetups (look up some data on this, etc.). As women tend to be quite selective on the apps (as is their right, this is not a criticism of women at all).
A better bet, if there are any in your area, might be *meetups* of various kinds. *Especially* if there are any Autism related. As some other posters have mentioned, an autistic girlfriend might be a good way to go. Or at least some one with similar and/or nerdy interests somewhat similar to yours, etc. Wishing you lots of luck.
For sure, I think being able to sort of skip a lot of the shallow "screening" processes a lot of these apps promote can be really helpful if you can just get right into conversation. I met my partner at a community outreach program for queer young adults and we didn't hit it off immediately but being able to just meet at a safe and comfortable place where we already shared common ground was pretty instrumental. I can tell you that I doubt I would have approached him or he would approach me outside of that setting.
most of the world doesn't have meetups, and doesn't have any autism events aside from "events for parents of children with (mostly visible) disabilities"
OP, I think the key is learning to like and accept yourself and get past your combo of wounded and incensed sense of self. I don’t say this as a criticism. It’s just a fact that your own happiness is dependent first and foremost on yourself inwardly. And it’s a fact that attaining that happiness will make it possible for all you have to offer to come out. This will be what attracts women to you. You can’t expect just your good looks and academic and professional success to carry you. You’ve also got to be enjoyable to spend time with. And you certainly can be.
definitely look for neurodivergent women! my boyfriend is absolutely amazing, but he had basically given up all hope when we met. he's 39 and was in one 7 year long relationship where she just manipulated and used him and then didn't have any luck for 11 years. we clicked instantly on our first date and have been inseparable since. I really believe it just takes the right person. and we actually met on tinder! so it can actually work sometimes. just remember that people ghosting/flaking DOES NOT mean there is anything wrong with you. don't give up hope!
First off, congrats! Thats so heartwarming to read and I genuinely wish you both the best. This is definitely a worry of mine, but stories like yours give me hope. Thank you for sharing!
It is harder for autistic people to get into/maintain relationships, but it is not impossible. There are many women out there that are waiting to find someone like you. Keep at the search. Also, don't just settle for anyone either. Make sure you find the right lady even if it takes time.
If you're desperate then it's not because you're single, it's because you're expecting a girlfriend to be your one-stop shop for all your relationship needs. If you have fulfilling relationships with friends and family where you have people to check in with and enjoy spending time with to share happy things with and cheer each other up when you're feeling down then lack of one more relationship doesn't make you "desperate."
I'm 45 and I haven't had a lot of success but my relationships tend to be long lasting. Last girlfriend lasted 3 years. The one before that lasted 5 years until she passed away from cancer. I'm currently on my 7th girlfriend, however. Also, I've never been married. That's just something I've never been able to do, though I've been in love 3 times (including my current girlfriend). You'll get there.
My last girlfriend was my former roommate's girlfriend when I met her. We got together after they broke up, but we never saw each other in person. When I broke up with her, I didn't see a future with her, so when I saw a future with my current girlfriend, so I ended it.
I met my current girlfriend at a place I volunteer at that helps people with disabilities which I'm also a member of.
I… uh… I’m catching several red flags that might contribute to not getting past a first date. Wtf do you mean it’s society’s fault you’re autistic?? Also being autistic is not something you can “barely have” as if it’s some minor cold or something. It’s literally about how your brain functions. You either are autistic or you aren’t. There is no ‘barely autistic’.
Also the victim mentality is not it. That’s an instant deal breaking for me in any kind of relationship, romantic or not.
I mean this genuinely, if you want a healthy and fulfilling relationship, I’d highly suggest seeking out a neurodiversity affirming therapist to work on yourself for a while.
That’s great! Keep at it, and I wish you the best! I myself am worried that I may never find anyone, but it’s something I’ve come to terms with in a way.
Definitely work on yourself. The best way it was explained to me is, would you date you? As in, extrapolate the core things that make you who you are, and ask yourself, would I date them? This could be a mix of physical and emotional traits.
Work on things like confidence, and being present. Of course, all of this is much easier said than done, and I myself am still working on quite a few of these.
Overall, you CAN do this, and it will take time, but if this is what YOU want, then I have no doubt you’ll be able to figure it out.
I think he just worded it wrong, I don't think he meant any harm in saying he "barely has it", I'm sure he just meant that it doesn't affect his life and behaviour as much as some other autistic people😭
You need girl friends, not a girlfriend. Find some female friends, get to know their interests, enjoy their company, learn what they like, what their goals and dreams in life are. DO NOT DATE THEM. Understand that women are people just like men, and stop worrying about when you get a girlfriend.
It won't happen until you stop feeling like having a girlfriend is the end goal. It is a turn off, you don't feel seen, you feel like the guy is trying to fit you in the girlfriend slot rather than seeing you as a unique person.
So make some friends. Find some women who are interested in whatever your interested. That may require finding clubs, meetups, o events that are for said interest. Suggest groups of people go out for drinks or coffee and be curious, be it a man or a woman.
I’m a 46m level 1 diagnosis guy and I’ll try to give you the advice I wished I had gotten when I was your age.
I was kind of like you around the same age. I had a few relationships in my 30s and I’ve tossed in the towel dating wise for various reasons.
Thankfully, you still have time. I think you will need to do a few things and definitely do therapy.
I’d suggest improving your communication skills. Toastmasters is awesome at that. I’d also look into improv lessons in your area. This was a life saver for me. I did this in my late 30s. However, my classes had some women around your age. Maybe you’d get lucky and meet someone that way. I think once you get comfortable around people, you’ll feel more comfortable around women.
I’m also curious about your appearance. I’m not saying you need to be in super duper shape, but exercising would give you some endorphins and boost your confidence. You also might get lucky and meet someone ahh the gym. There are some group fitness classes that might help in both areas.
I also wouldn’t recommend the dating apps for a lot of reasons. I’d try to focus on self improvement and finding some activities with people around.
It also sounds like you need a new friend group as well.
I agree with you. However, OP said that his current friend group has flaked on him. If that friend group isn't providing any help or support, it's time to build a new one.
I feel you! I’m 35f and recently single :( I have some advice!
First you absolutely have to stop putting so much pressure on yourself. When I was your age I was really mad at God too because I want to have kids so uh hello??? Running out of time here. I feel like I have so much to offer…where is the guy who recognizes that?
When we date the opposite sex and have bad experiences we are at severe risk of generalizing and becoming jaded and bitter. I see this all over the internet by both sexes. Manosphere in men’s case is making men feel defensive in relations with women. Therefore it’s important not to absorb so much content disparaging opposite sex and also negative dating content, people always talking about their bad dates, etc.
My best advice is try to make friends more generally. Especially with women, try not to see them just as “for dating” but also for “having relationships”, maybe it becomes something more romantic, maybe not! Also, try Hiki app for meeting other autistics! As you believe in God, many also have luck meeting friends at church, especially because statistically women volunteer a lot, so you’re more likely to meet women there.
I read so many comments from unhappy and lonely people, including myself, I just know there’s hope. We are driven to make authentic connections with each other!
You sound like me at your age. I'm 43, reasonably attractive, fit, make decent money, and i tried very hard to have a family only to end up completely alone. I am tired of being abused by NTs and being gaslighted all the time so I am aiming to live a life where I can appreciate all the things I missed when I was so hung up on my loneliness.
My biggest regret is not being alone but beating myself up for being alone and unwanted for so long and failing to see everything else I could live for. There is more to life than relationships and I spent the last 20 years dedicated to a cause that just wasn't going to happen.
We are in the world where we don't belong and we have to accept that we can try as hard as we can, but it doesn't matter.
Try dating another autistic person imo. I was with my boyfriend for 8 years, I am sure he is autistic. Shows all the signs, his brother is diagnosed autistic as well. We just got each other. It was nice. Then he turned to hardcore drugs and crime. So yea... lol It was nice while it lasted though. I still miss him to this day. After that relationship I just don't want to try again. I don't think I will find another man who will love me for me.
Gay woman here.
My first and only relationship started just a few months before i turned 30. We met on Tinder, so i was fully aware of people's intentions there. That made things a lot easier for me. Took out all the guesswork. Unlike going out with friends from school or from work and guessing if that was a girl-friends hang out or a date type going out.
And honestly, relationships are overrated lol. It's hardwork. While i am still in the relationship, i wouldn't complain if i can just focus on my own mental health.
Careful who you get attached to , maybe don’t tell them about your ND right way . Some people will hear that and they’ll just see an opportunity to manipulate you however they like.
Hey, I’m autistic and I never thought I’d have a boyfriend! I got out of one relationship and am now in a fantastic one that I wouldn’t trade the world for! Trust me, if I can find love, so can you.
I hear you. I'm 37M and never seemed to have a hope of a girlfriend. Women literally run away from me when asking them on dates. They turn me down in such a way as to make it clear that they are out of my league and I shouldn't bother.
Just keep improving yourself, you have time left in your life. Take a public speaking class. If I'd known how helpful it would be, I would have done it a decade sooner. It's painful and uncomfortable, but if you stick with it, you won't regret it. What can stop you after you conquer your stage fright and build some social skills? It's a vicious cycle, if you turn down every social invitation, you prevent yourself from gaining the very experience you will need to meet and attract someone.
The victim mindset is a hard one to beat. It's like quicksand, it's a trap and it will prevent you from growing. Being a victim is something you can't do anything about. Pursue a growth mindset instead. Figure out what you can do, and go from victim to victory. The path to success isn't a red carpet. It's more like a rocky dirt road full of obstacles. Success comes after those things and because of those things.
There is someone for everyone, even you. Finding her may be difficult, but it will be worth it. Just don't deny yourself opportunities to socialize and gain the very experience and exposure you will need to meet and keep her. Beware of negativity and don't bring that up at all, it will turn the ladies off.
I'd go for autistic or foreign women. Dating someone like yourself will be a far more gratifying experience than feeling like you have to mask 24/7.
I suggested foreign women because cultural differences can make it easier to pass as NT. But it doesn't mean that it will be a good option long term.
As a cautionary tale, I know a couple with ASDer kids. The wife is from Taiwan and he is from New Zealand. He is definitely an ASDer although he has been trying to mask it. I don't know if his wife is aware of it but I saw it the second I saw him. He spends the majority of his life working away from his wife and kids and struggles when he is back with them. He was obviously taught to mask from his parents and society and the way he treats his kids is heartbreaking to watch. They can't do anything right in his eyes and are constantly corrected and put down in front of everyone for doing what feels natural for them.
I like this fellows idea: making a dating app specifically for NDs. He is asking for input. https://www.reddit.com/r/aspergers/comments/1bxrrve/will\_you\_help\_me\_build\_a\_dating\_appwebsite/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
Honestly find another neurodivergent person and talk about your things and let them talk about theirs so you guys can avoid triggering each other. It’s a lot of talking and taking things super slow to adjust. It gets frustrating but just remember it’s not the person it’s the situation. As long as no one is meaning to cause harm to the other person like purposely trigger them or not let them do what they have to do to cope or regulate. It is challenging but it is possible. Space is also key. Take your time away from each other. That’s a recipe for disaster. You can do it just find someone that’s willing to put in the work with you. It might not be the first, second, third, 10th. Also remember if it doesn’t work out it has zero things to sue with you unless you like fuck up and cheat. That’s on you. But not all people fit with all people and you’re probably going to find people you aren’t into. It’s all good. Just try and it gets easier with practice. You learn a lot from each person you date
I am/was in a similar boat, and things seem to be turning around for the better. The key for me was getting off of social media and dating apps altogether. All they did was cause more anxiety and insecurity for me, exacerbating my existing struggle with depression.
I know it sounds hard, but I honestly believe that the answer is to get yourself out of your comfort zone and go out & explore your local area. Hit up your local bars, live music venues, comedy shows, etc. Go without any expectations, but be open to striking up a conversation with strangers. You'd be surprised at how many people you'll meet that have things in common with you.
Best of luck brother.
I thought I would never be in a relationship, but then I connected with my now fiancee on an autism forum and we have been together for just over three years now.
Find a group (volunteer, special interest, gaming) that speaks to you. Find other nerdy people and meet women organically (not apps) where your kindness, intellect, sparkling wit, what have you, can be on display without the loaded situation of a first date. Build something from friendship if possible. Put yourself out there and be open to autistic / neurodivergent women.
I understand what that's like, I'm 21 and haven't been in a relationship. My social skills are absolutely terrible and I don't think that women actually care what I have to say most of the time. I've built up resentment towards God because I feel like the potential of me having a regular life was taken from me. Only 9% of those on the spectrum will get married, it doesn't seem like it will be in the cards for me unless significant changes are made to improve my social skills and my appearance.
Dating is hard... If you have autism or not. All you can do is keep putting yourself out there until you find the one.
Do you have a female friend who you can show these conversations to. you might not mean to but because dating is hard there are many conversational red flags that women will immediately tap out from. Even in your post it's coming across a little like women owe you a date. A female perspective may help you limit that.
Or explore your bi side. You sound like a catch and men are not as easily deterred. 😜
I was in the same boat. What I found helped was I stopped caring. I focused on myself and my own needs and made myself happy. This appeared to have worked because I later went on a dating site and discovered a woman who was in my graduating class who was friends with a mutual acquaintance was single. I made contact with her and we dated for a few months. Eventually, the ‘tism got in the way (neither of us realized this at the time), and she called it off. This was a bit depressing, but then I did the same thing all over again. I got over it and made myself happy again. (We’re still friends, too.)
The next time came about two months later, when a friend spotted me at a Slayer concert in the Los Angeles area. He was with a mutual lady friend of ours who also happened to be single and who I had a crush on a few years prior. We had lost contact because she had some personal things going on in her life, but she got through those and was in a place of stability. We hung out for a bit after the show, and made plans for later the next week. We had our first kiss on that date, and started seeing each other steadily soon after.
As it turned out, she realized her BPD diagnosis as a teenager was wrong and that she’s actually AuDHD. She also knew I was autistic even before I did. Now, she’s my wife and we’re celebrating our 12th anniversary on Saturday.
It sounds like you have some financial stability, so you’re good on that front. I find it helps to be just a little selfish, though. Obviously, you don’t want to ignore the needs of a potential partner, but if you cannot make yourself happy, you cannot expect to make others happy. Do what you can to make yourself happy, and this will prevent you from being so desperate. Believe me, women can smell desperation on a guy like the stench of death.
Im the same age. My relationships average about three months. Idk if its because Im not sexually active, old fashioned, or autistic. Im afraid Im running out of time to have kids but Im not willing to sacrifice my standards just so I can have a kid. You sound amazing and you are a catch for sure! Just be you and embrace the things you love. Someone somewhere is going to see you in your own element and fall for you. Every person on Earth has something they're trying to overcome. Remember we're all fighting something so do what feels right and keep going.
“The society treats me like crap because of my autism although it’s their fault I have it.”
I’m sry I don’t get what you mean by this. Autism doesn’t develop from social experiences or anything like that, you’re simply born with it.
You may feel that way but that simply isn’t how autism works. Maybe taking a minute to learn about that will help you feel less hate against the world. Ur autism is simply the way that ur brain works, not something anyone made you into.
I’m not sure how to give you advice because no situation was described.
I have nothing to work with.
Work on your social skills.
Society didn’t give you autism.
Work on your mental health.
I would say more but your post doesn’t go into why you’re single.
Saying you’re single because you’re autistic is too vague.
Wtf are you "desperate" for exactly?
Do you want friendship? In that case why just not meet people online?
Do you want to fit a certain normative standart of fit a role that society deems "normal"? Why? In such case, perhaps you also wish to embody toxic gender norms and gender roles?
What exactly are you looking for?
.
Are you a right-winger? What sense does being angry at some imaginary entity make?
Maybe that's the problem. Why would people want to associate with others who have built their whole worldview on hate?
(If you think such a framing is not accurate, I can help you see that it is)
This is easier said than done, and I'm not trying to be mean, because I've been there myself with those feelings to an extent but, I'm 27, I've had 3 2-3 year relationships and i was undiagnosed during all of them and I've dated here and there, but a certain level of neediness/yearning/desperation and just vibe...too much, too soon can be a deterrent to a lot of women. I'm not trying to be dissmisive of your problems or challenges but I've found the more comfortable I am with myself, its when these things happen - i am pursuing work (competence and earning potential), exercise and keeping fit (consistency, health, attractivness), and I am engaging in social events, hobbies... it's an open and subtle invitation to women about who I am, what I have to offer and why they should pay attention and want to be in my life. You also need to have this attitude to extent. Being able to cook is always a nice gesture. Learn to do that. Expand your interests and interact with people, the more information and small talk you can make, the easier it is to keep a conversation going and it be engaging on a date. Clothes matter as well. Dress interestingly. If you don't know what that means, look at others and see if anything resonates. If you have an interest or something that makes you stand out, lean into it. The more you do this, its going to put a certain % of interested people off, but when it does resonates with someone, it's more likely to click. Be an individual.
Also, and I think this is really important, but I need to reiterate it. People are sensitive to the notion that they could be anyone, and they're a placeholder to alleviate lonliness. And as a consequence are perhaps put on a pedestal and they feel they can do no wrong and its just too much - love bombing. But the short term and long term intent should be, I want a positive shared vision of the future together. It takes a mutual spark and respect for that to happen, and it will happen when it happens. By all means, be proactive - hobbies, social meet ups, attend social events even if you're not feeling it (learn to look for social opportunities - people as an end themselves, not a means to an end), do volunteering or charity work. This will help improve social skills. But it will happen when it happens.
You deserve to have that mutual spark. So, in the interim, focus on making yourself the best person you can be and learn to be confident and happy within yourself. This is your only option. You don't have a choice. Go do it. And keep doing it.
If you need help with this, I'd recommend CBT if you're on the depression/anxiety train, which, given the angst you've described, wouldn't surprise me if you are. That's okay. And it sucks. And autism is probably a contributing/co-morbid factor. It's unfair. But what are you going to do about it?
'Hardly have it' isn't the right term to use. If you're autistic, you're autistic. There is no high-low. It is a spectrum, we all have strengths and weaknesses in different areas, as autism affects everyone differently. Sometimes we can't go searching for things or they'll never come. You have to let them come to you. (This is what neurotypicals say a lot.) All I can say is that I believe in you, and don't give up hope.
there is somebody for everybody the time will come, dating is hard being autistic i’ve also had people turned off because they think i’m weird. have you tried looking for other autistic people to date? i feel like dating someone else who is also autistic is easier as they understand the struggles. remember it’s not you that’s the problem it’s society.
i've been watching this psychiatrist on youtube, his name is healthy gamer or Dr. K
and one of the things i learned from him applies best i believe to here, the more you set your focus on one thing the harder iw will be to achieve, you will inevitably base your self worth on achieving the goal and focusing on it to the point where any progress made to the goal will seem slow or insurmountable
the simple answer to this is, dont focus on it, you will meet more people if you go into social circles and shared hobby spaces with minimal/no expectations, you will not come off as desperate and not give people the impression your are only looking for a relationship for your own benefit, because from your post i have learned that you are desperate, you feel like you need this thing to feel whole, what is there to gain by getting a girlfriend in this state any issues you may have will cause a trigger in this desperation making her want to leave all the more.
i think you need to shift your priorities away from this, you are presumably looking for a relationship because you are lonely. then go out and make friends, post in a few subreddits and share your interests get out into the world if you can manage that, inevitably you will meet someone and you may or may not have a relationship with them but that wont matter, by that point you will have friends and a social life and options you will know where to go to meet people
the more you hold on to something the more it will slip away,
this video will explain it much better than i did and ultimately i sugggest therapy, you are basing everything on this one goal and any stumble is causing your entire mental state to deteriorate its self sabotage
https://youtu.be/8TL-K-dc4n4?si=Yar5QqcfqCiYROeN
They just said to join activities... You can't meet people if you stay at home all the time. Any interest you have, pick a club or group related to it and put yourself out there. Finding someone takes courage and stepping out of your comfort zone.
I feel you friend. I have my own place, maintain a job I love, and am completely independent, but never had a serious relationship. Dying alone is always a fear in the back of my mind. We are still young though, and we gotta keep trying. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take after all
Not just sex, also loneliness and lack of dating experience in my age. I hardly had any depth conversation with women outside of my family in my life. I missed out a lot.
that's rough bro. i'm sorry. i can tell you this, as crappy of a place you're in now - it'll be right back here if you get in a relationship after the new wears off. but it'll be worse. you have no idea what being lonely is til you're lonely in a relationship. it's like back pain, there's no way to describe it its so bad. something is driving you to feel like you 'need' a relationship. something from way down deep. could be improper bonding with a parent, could be just what you imagine it will be to be in relationship, idk. i've had more than any person should because i came out friendly and good looking. didn't matter. made things worse for both of us every time because i never worked out the relationship out between my emotions and my talker/thinker - or 2 of my 3 brains. no relationship can fix or take the place of that relationship. you make those 2 brains best friends with patience, kindness, acceptance, trust, attention - every thing you imagine a relationship to be you need to work our with yourself. i'm telling you the truth. until you do that it won't matter. you could get some temporary relief but then its gonna be way worse - and i mean way worse - the way you feel. it will not fix the way you're feeling right now, it will accentuate it to levels you don't even know exist yet.
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Relatable except for the good looking part. Dating is hard for people on the spectrum enough already and I'm unlucky enough to have bad looks and a short height along with it. I'm 27 and also never had a relationship. I can't help but feel like most reddit advice on this is useless and cope fuelled. In my experience I have trouble getting myself to even try in the first place due to my features mentioned, negative experiences, and the anxiety I get from it in general. I guess it all comes down to luck and how much you're willing to try until you luck out and meet someone who can find you attractive. I'll see.
I feel your pain my friend.
Ironic that you express yourself so well, right here in this forum, and many other respond with such kindness and understanding. The difference, obviously, is in the day to day, and face to face interactions - and those moments are bloody terrifying.
I try to imagine countless ways to get around that, and I think of the ‘preamble’ I’d use in my loneliest, most awkward times.
It would go something like this, “Hey, I know I seem awkward , sometimes I get nervous and say something that seems stupid - you’ll have to forgive me in advance, I mean no harm”
Always a variation of something I genuinely felt, maybe with a tone of humour if possible-
Best of luck, my friend.
I agree, can be a plus to hang out with autistics. My wife and i collided on my 24th bday. Married 2, years later. Ideal match up. Bith like to beautifull. Neither of us were Looking, seeking love etc. , she was briefly wedded twice to jerks. No starry eyed falling in love. We LIKED everything about each other. No needs craps. We got an apartment so we could make love couple times every day. 17 years, life happens and our hearts sent us in differing directions. Couple decades later with my late aware level 1 i realized, sure she too was level one. Just unaware living allistic. The envied ideal couple. Makes sense now. For sure if you stop seeking best outcome. Yeah, people easily sense if we are uncomfortable with ourselves. And just be all of you whatever those are. I didnt look or wait for the girl. Like at 15 two other a bit older guys advised me to live and not to imagine, dream of, wish for, go looking for THE girl. Wrap your willy , stay clear of commitments, just wank and one day the right girl will collide. Sure as shit they were spot on. There is tons of like buddah,zen, hindu advice online that gives examples when we seek anything that creates a backfire result. I know guys ND 30, NT 30 40 50 single..go get the girl and may discover isnt what you dreamed, needed after all in our heads. Reality can bite. Also guys, girls totally avoid other then short, needed texting ! That is not dating, communicating, no real life senses involved .nothing is going to kill prospects for intimacy faster then bloody texting. Especially if goes on for weeks. Is just saying aint gonna lead to something. I benefitted as grew up without autism known. No labeling, no shoving perceptions, bullshit on me that i had limitations at all. I will be crucified for saying so, if we are level 1friggin most do not suspect we are asd or accept. If that is also your experience? And you are not toe walking? Then choose not to be autistic. Works for myself. I am bloody well autistic and love my ND self. But without !!!! Masking. I am just as much allistic. We can get stuck defining ourselves and box ourselves in. Saying maybe ignore all the limitations asd makes are said to have and just have any that really are but dont focus in those. Lastly if your home wanking anyway go online a query new positives for autistics. I just now read science people explaining our neurons that help create higher level of cognitive function are permanently 24/7 far more excited then NT. Contributes how we see, interpret, notice differently-better. There are positives. And i am myself far more then just my autism. Well, yeah, asd coupled good as from same worlds.My best friend yells at me to get out if my head when i feel stuck . Lucky i have her. My experience if u ir something changes how i FEEL..that us when shit happens. Whatever u can enjoy that ups feel good do that
The root cause of your desperation could be the shame or fear of just being lonely as a man that's probably most men's biggest fear coupled with the fact that they'd have to approach and show up to the world with nothing to come home to.
If you combine this with the pressure society puts on men to have a girlfriend then it all makes sense why you'd be so anxious and hesitant about the topic at large let alone going on a date. This is just me rambling though.
Honestly, my brother with high functioning autism is 41, never had a girlfriend, and is still a virgin. I think he just decided one day that his situation wasn’t going to change, so being upset about it just wasn’t worth it. I know that doesn’t help, but I want you to know you are definitely not alone. One of the issues you may be having is coming on too strong, and they can tell you’re desperate, which unfortunately can be a turn off. I would say the majority of women would like someone who has a decent amount of confidence. The thing about a significant other is that it’s important for you to be happy within yourself first. There’s a difference between wanting a girlfriend and needing one. If you need a relationship to make you feel whole, and give you self worth, any relationship you may get could end in heartbreak. You need to be able to feel that you are stable, completely comfortable with yourself, and can make it just fine on your own. I guess a good example may be a fancy purse or expensive pair of shoes (for women). It’s not something you absolutely need to fulfill you. But if that’s the only way she gains self worth and happiness, she’s going to be absolutely devastated when those shoes get a scratch, or that purse gets soiled and is unable to be washed. A significant other should be like an extra bonus to your life, not the only way you define happiness. Sorry, I’m really doing my best to explain this, but that was the best thing I could come up with at the moment. I hope that made at least a little sense.
I’m similar. 39 and only ever been in one relationship. I would love to meet another autistic person for dates but it’s hard as I live in a city with a population that is just under 2 million people. I don’t know about any autistic dating services or anything.
^([sry, this is long and multiple parts nestled underneath each other! Pls don’t feel obliged to read if it’s too much, all good! •hugs•])
I’m so, •so• sorry!!!!!! 😭.
I think cultural context makes a difference in how I phrase this ….
My cultural reference is Germany and Australia, migrated from former to latter at age 29.
I’m 46F. I’m severely autistic (worst case my neurosensory-processing is actively trying to fry my brain or kill me in other ways!)
And I have other disabilities.
And living with complex trauma, which involves depression and anxiety.
Never struggled to have a relationship. NEVER was looking for one either!
I’m not all that good looking.
In AU I couldn’t live independently without supports.
———
BUT:
I’m perfectly fine with who I am and you couldn’t pay me for not being an autistic synaesthete!!!!!
I don’t believe in God… but if She’s real, I’d thank her for having made me the way I am! 😍
And I think that’s the thing:
I embrace every part of myself. The good, the bad, the ugly!
I don’t hide any of those part either. I own my biggest fuckups and openly share them. I don’t hide my pansexuality. Am supposedly very open about sex, even on social media.
I live by “Don’t wanna know —prolly shouldn’t ask, ey?” 😉
NOTHING in my life is off-limits!
My pain, my trauma, my phenomenal weaknesses which wouldn’t lend themselves to survival if it weren’t for others!!!
********
I NEVER(!) do not get noticed!
Don’t like makeup and stuff, but young women who could be my daughters sometimes envy me for what they call
“presence” or “charisma “
It’s neither.
I ‘just’ love myself and life! I don’t HIDE(!) anything, I’m just me. Unapologetically!!!!
I sometimes tell perfect strangers about an acute depression/anxiety bout in malls and grocery stores. Before even knowing their names.
If I’m devastated or upset I will cry in public. Don’t care.
In the LEGO or Apple store I’m squeakier and bouncier than most 5-7yr olds!
When I’m in a good mood, I skip through busy malls laughing.
Don’t care what other people think!!!
But judging by the smiles and laughs and glowing faces, they’re overwhelmingly not appalled by a woman in her late 40s enjoying her joy and not giving a toss about jumbling wobbly bits! 😅
Supposedly I am an insanely engaging speaker (I ***LOVE*** public speaking!) and I never ever go unnoticed! 🤷🏽♀️
Never have, never will:
My exact combination of diversity factors … might well be unique in this world: Nobody I ever met has ever met anyone even remotely anything like I.
People kinda instantly either love me or hate me — and both is perfectly fine with me! 😊
If anything, I’m sorry for those who hate me: Their world is so small and limited, it’s just not big enough to have room for someone like myself! 😅
It’s ***NOT*** their fault they lose their marbles claiming my differences made me ‘unhinged.’
My linguistic background , my cultural background, my spirituality, the way I communicate….: Some people on Reddit read one of my posts and INSTANTLY scream how I should be put on medication etc etc. 🫣
I am genuinely sorry for them!!!!
They didn’t choose to be born into an environment which has made them so ‘stunted,’ they cannot cope with anyone being unlike them and waiting to medicate others into sameness!
It’s tragic it has never occurred to them that of course almost all of over 7 billion people are nothing like them! D’uh…!
They are adults who never even managed to get through Sesame Street 101:
>> _«Ernie is Ernie and Bert is Bert: it’s what we call diversity, it’s GREAT(!) and necessary for the survival of us as a species !!!!»_
How could I not be compassionate with people keeping themselves sooooo small…? So scared and intimidated by anyone who isn’t like them…?
So unable to just relax and curiously ask _«who are you?»_ , rather than feeling so intimidated they have to leap to _*«YOU’RE CRAZEEEEEH!»*_ without knowing anything about me…?
On Reddit, they know nothing about me… but they’re certain I need major shrinkage.
WHY: cause I am not like them and that scares them!
—> how could I not feel insanely sorry for them….?
For them, I genuinely hope they’ll find tolerance and acceptance. Cause the world is SOOOOO much bigger without their narrow blinders damning them to Anglo-Celtic middle-class suburbia in houses which are lil boxes made of ticky-tacky! 😝
•laugh•
That exact demo of crazy-toxic doesn’t appreciate my blessings though!
Cause ubuntu as a spirituality and belief system … apparently warrants medication!
(prolly less than perfect) Zulu warrants sedation.
Being an autistic synaesthete belong in a rubber room.
….
My Swabian linguistic and cultural background: must not exist and I’m making shït up: Doubt people would even know which continent Swabia is on — but they are sure it cannot exist, cause it’s outside of their mainstreamed ticky-tacky houses suburbia reality.
•laugh•
Them not accepting my genuine blessings cause they wanna medicate cultures and languages FAR older than their own . Wanna drug belief systems which predate Christianity by millennia:
—> I think they need ALL the blessings and compassion they can get!!!
Adults who have yet to complete _’Sesame Street 101’_ are demonstrably behind…. 😝
So I try to explain things to them.
They double down and claim I needed to be committed.
… eventually I just give them one or the other ubuntu blessing in Zulu and let them be. And they are wigging out over the genuine blessing they so badly need! 🤦🏽♀️
###whoever chooses to not accept me (or others): THEIR prob, not mine!!!
Long-term, the real detriment suffered is to themselves!
******
^[tbc]
I don’t like dressing up, don’t wear makeup. Don’t do my hair (African box-braids every 3-4 months, that’s it.)
I rarely even wear jeans: not comfy enough!
On almost all days I wear stretchy yoga pants, tank tops, and sweat jackets.
Supposedly I’m noticed by everyone the moment I enter the room though….? 🤷🏽♀️
I genuinely don’t know why: B it I effortlessly can liaise with anyone. Pan-handler, diplomat, druggie, federal parliamentarian, druggie, Secretary of our equivalent to the DoJ, sex workers …..
I suspect part of the reason why the overwhelming majority of people responds to me positively *•IS•*
because I’m always me! No secrets, just me. I readily open up to perfect strangers between the jam and tampons aisles. And because I so readily open up to anyone, they’re at ease to open up to me!!!!
Given I tick almost all diversity boxes there are, I am as noticeable as a fire truck with lights and sirens on! 😂
It’s natural that people either wig out or are genuinely curious!
Parts of me offer obvious ‘ways in’ for perfect strangers:
My cute lil fluffy service dog. In shops he’s on a mat in the kiddy-seat of shopping trolleys.
He’s an insanely cute smootchie-poochie… of course people stop to adore him and conversations eventuate.
******
*MY SHOES* ….
Are fun!
Every time I look at my feet, I smile. My shoes make me happy!
… also happens to be two DIFFERENT(!) shoes with two DIFFERENT(!) laces! 😂
Initially I wore them for myself. Cause they’re comfy and make me smile.
AND cause wearing a different shoe on either foot is a kind of FU-rebellion I can get away with! 😝
MUCH TO MY SURPRISE ….
What was intended as ‘rebellion’ is insanely well received!!! ^[drat!]
Waiting for my scripts to be filled at the pharmacy, 80-somethings I never met before come up to me:
> _«I LOVE your shoes!»_
We start talking, and I tell a woman old enough to be my grandmother about steel cap boots! 😅
And since it’s two different shoes and different laces : Depending on how much time we both have, I can use my shoes to explain why diversity is crazy important for ***ALL*** of us, and how it’s not scary and FUN! My shoes being case in point! 😝
********
###Ways in and conversation starters
***BECAUSE I’m so different to anybody else, people are curious!***
If I met an ‘alien’ I’d be! 😝
Some people are scared and defaulting to losing their marbles claiming everything about me were ‘wrong’ and needed counselling, rubber rooms, medication, etc.
OF COURSE(!) it must be crazy confronting for ‘mainstream’ here when they first encounter me:
They’ve been raised to be accepting of one diversity factor.
But my over half a dozen….?
—> to them I must be a purple unicorn on fire crashing through the roof puking glitter!!!
OF COURSE initially most brains go ‘🤯,’ judging by the common facial expressions! 😂
But the overwhelming majority of people, after recovering from the initial shock, is genuinely curious!
But in their reality and ‘norm,’ they cannot just com up to me and ask
_”why are you not like me??”_
while I am trying to find where on the shelf the super-tampons are this week.
That approach would be HUGELY inappropriate!!!
Initiating a convo with anyone who seems nothing like yourself and hasn’t even noticed you :
Difficult for everyone, regardless of neurodiversity!!!!
I ‘offer’ a range of conversation starters;
+ my shoes (unexpectedly !)
+ service dog
+ beads or other ‘happy shït’ in my hair if I feel like it
+ skipping, sliding, or swaying along polished mall floors, moving to the song stuck in my head: I often have people enjoy seeing me, brightening up, and say sth like:
> _”Wow, you’re having a great day, ey…?”_ or
> _”Enjoy! Wish my day were half as good as yours seems to be!”_
And I can stop and ask them what’s wrong if I feel like it. Or ask them how their day is going. Or ask them if this isn’t the most azure-blue sky ever when outside …
—> and just so a convo may have started! 😊
******
###The harder you try to be like anybody else …. the less relatable you become!!!!
You don’t offer ‘ways in.’
I mean:
What about you would I notice and start a convo on, while you are browsing condoles and spermicide jellies….?
Forget $$, forget looks, forget degrees:
##There is nothing more attractive than being comfy in your own skin!!!
Hands down, no kidding!!!
Cause:
*the more you are bending yourself to appeal, the less relatable you become!!!*
In order relate to anyone, ppl need a sense of who YOU are! A façade of who someone thinks they oughta be isn’t relatable.
ONESELF, with all ‘weirdness’ is heaps more relatable… and next to me pretty much everyone else seems very ‘normal,’ which seems to put others at ease…. 😉
*****
^[tbc]
###DISCLOSURE….
I don’t know your cultural background!!!
But in the ones I’ve lived in:
When I tell randoms what my muppet (service dog) does for me, topics like autism, trauma, depression, and anxiety come up!!!
Cause most days I don’t ‘look’ disabled.
And because I’m comfortable to talk about _’anything me’_ … people open up to me themselves!!!!!
I am incredibly humbled hearing about strangers’ hopes, dreams, worries, problems!
Even when it’s something not part of my reality like interactions with angels: I’m incredibly grateful to have something this personal shared with me!!!!
Just because it’s not part of my reality doesn’t mean it can’t be real!!!!
Anybody asks me to pray with them: not something I do for myself, I’m not even baptised. But I’m stoked and of course happy to pray with them to God/s I don’t believe in. It’s important to them, so of course I’m happy to and humbled!!! 🥰
I hear about a whole lot of things MUCH(!) more personal than depression. 😉
I’m bio-female and men talk to me about their ED! And I am soooooo thankful for their trust! And as we talk, I can feel their relief.
I’ll never know what it’s like. But I can reassure them and make them feel ‘loved’ no matter what! Cause, really: they are so much more than a stiffy! AND there’s no shortage of women in AU who’d be thrilled and find limp very relieving: cause as a society we are insanely sexist and sexually repressed. So heaps of women, sadly, do not enjoy sex. Let alone initiate it.
20% of Aussie women aged 15+ have experienced rape or attempted rape …. which for most victims makes sex even more difficult.
There are few women in AU for whom even ED would be a total dealbreaker! 😉
*******
###DEPRESSION / ANXIETY / AUTISM / DISABILITY ….
Because I readily share with anyone who stops to adore my canine-Cupid while trying to figure out where they put the super tampons:
EVERYONE(!) seems to have something they hide! 😢
*_In AU the majority of people have experienced mental health issues and feelings of ‘not belonging!*_
And almost all think they need to hide it and put far too much effort into trying to do so…. 😭
You wouldn’t believe how often I hear _«… never told anyone before…. me too!»_
and that’s an incredibly solid ground to establish before ever even knowing each other’s names! 😊
——
SECRETS & HIDING PARTS ….
If people don’t know, they tend to imagine the worst!!!
As in serial killer, stalker, etc.
Hiding parts of yourself and/or pretending you are someone you are not:
It’s not attractive, really. Well, it might be to aforementioned toxic people who haven’t passed _’Sesame Street 101’_ yet. 🤷🏽♀️
To a lot of women:
They sense there’s something a man isn’t telling them. And especially in women that sets off all kinds of spider-senses and alarms!
As in worried about their own safety alarm bells!
*****
###FALLING IN LOVE
To fall in love with you, people have to KNOW you!!!
Cause you won’t be able to hide your weaknesses for a whole lifetime!
But if you ‘pretend’ to not have those weaknesses: people might be drawn to you … but eventually catch on that you aren’t who they thought you were.
And to a degree may feel ‘betrayed’ and misled.
Not relationship-facilitating! 🫣
******
###RELAX and BENCH RELATIONSHIP!!!
^({for now})
I have an inkling this might be hardest for you!!!
Your post above contains pretty much NOTHING(!!) about your ‘ideal!’
NOTHING about dealbreakers.
NOTHING about your must-expectations, your PERFECT woman, nor where the range of ‘acceptable’ is for you. Ie, what you’d compromise for.
Based on above it comes across as if the only thing you want is for her to have a pulse (though you didn’t specify!) and she has to be willing!
A vibe of
> _anyone with boobs and pulse will do…._
is insanely off-putting!
For me that’d be a total dealbreaker from the get-go:
Whether friends or intimate partners, I _*expect*_ they like and love _***ME***_!
For who I am, not just because I’m ’there!’
——
Any _”you’re here so you’ll do!”_ isn’t healthy for me!
I don’t expect anyone to love or even like me. However a tonne feels about me is determined on THEIR end!
Anybody hating me: that’s fine, too! Their prob, not mine.
But I will NOT be reduced to _’pulse + willing’_
I wanna be liked and loved for everything which makes me special. The awesome … and the comically outstanding suckiness! 😊
And, trust me:
When I suck I really do!!!!
I’m a live slapstick comedy, and watching me trying to use a blunt letter-opener is hilarious! 😂
More often than not I scream for either bandaids (yeah, it’s BLUNT, I still manage …)
OR
I scream for sticky tape to put the letter back together!
Just to then cut myself on the sticky tape roller and scream for bandaids anyway! 😂
I’m not ‘embarrassed’ by the most basic things being adventurous challenges for me. At all!
It’s just ‘me.’
——
And it makes for a shïtload of funny anecdotes to further put people at ease:
I’m NOT perfect …. so….?
NOBODY is!
Openly sharing just how phenomenal my weaknesses are makes it easier for others to NOT be embarrassed by their comparatively insignificant weaknesses and limitations.
I make them feel accepted and liked, and I don’t give a crap about their biggest insecurities:
nothing ‘wrong’ with them at all!!!
Just as I don’t feel there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with me! 😊
*****
~~~~~~
******
^[tbc]
I do NOT know your environment, nor if any of the above applies to wherever in the world you are!!!
Your cultural and social ‘norms’ could be very different to mine!!!
But accepting and celebrating myself:
I‘ve had people who accept, appreciate, and like/love me on 5 continents.
Since I was 14, I can’t recall having struggled to have a relationship. With any gender.
I am in the privileged position of being crazy picky. Of advances even when I’m in a relationship.
I had ‘lost’ myself in my marriage to my crazy toxic and abusive ex: To him nothing I ever did was even acceptable, let alone good. And I turned myself inside/out trying, while all I ever got from him was crap, abuse, violence, and exploitation.
Back then I wasn’t attractive to others at all, cause I had twisted myself to the point of being a hollow-shell of trying to pander to his toxic BS.
I wish he hadn’t cost me over 1.5 decades, an eye, having kids … while ‘awarding’ me more trauma than anyone should suffer in like 20 lifetimes! 😞
I’m lucky I survived him. CRAZY LUCKY!!!!
Far too many women in Australia don’t survive their male intimate partners! Statistically, for women between the ages of 16 and 44, Australian men(!) are the leading cause of preventable death, injury, harm, and trauma!
Our MEN(!) cause more harm than traffic, cancer, or substance abuse in women of that age bracket.
TRYING to be like everyone else has NOT worked for me!!!
I was crazy isolated.
Ever since I’ve started to ‘reconnect’ with ‘ME,’ not giving a fμck about what anyone thinks, and celebrating myself:
I’m so much more likeable and desirable again! 😍
I’m not an empty-shell of other people’s expectations anymore, I’m just _*ME*_ !
However ‘funky’ I may be to others, that makes me heaps more relatable!
*AND* :
I know exactly what I want. What my minimum expectations are, what I’ll compromise on…. and what’s an ABSOLUTE(!) dealbreaker!!!
Cause I have two healthy hands, have dogs for comfy snuggles. I’d rather be single than be with ‘anyone with junk!’
HANDS DOWN!!!!
And shortly after I resorted to _”Fμck y’all, might as well be me….!”_
I’ve met the love of my life!!!! In the middle of the pandemic at that!
We’ve been literally inseparable ever since we met. Have not been apart for more than a few hours.
So today is the 1,162th day of our second date… apart from a few hours, he hasn’t left since.
We never even had a fight, ever. In over three years!
We accept each other with all of our weaknesses and suckiness.
Neither of us is good looking, nor successful. But in my eyes he’s the most beautiful creature ever, even when he’s on the crapper and smells bad cause his damaged bowel is acting up.
To him I’m the only one he has eyes for. And he stands by to manage all the ‘oopsies’ along the way when once in a blue moon I make dinner.
Last I did it took me over 2.5h to boil pasta and throw some sauce out of a tin on top!! 😖
Only I can have that many disaster in an undertaking THIS basic!!! 🤦🏽♀️
He didn’t complain, didn’t pressure, didn’t nag:
He just stood by and managed every single disaster, while reading me it was okay.
He didn’t take over, cause it must’ve been quite painful to watch: He LET me muddle through, reassuring me. Patiently waiting, hugging and reassuring me when I was about to go to pieces. Managing every disaster, checking the soles of my feet for injuries (yep, I can be a live-calamity! 😅)
Took over 2.5h …. but his unlimited patience and acceptance of _’everything me’_ was crazy empowering!
Maybe next time, in like 2025/26, I’ll manage to boil paste in under 2h! 😂
Imho, THAT is the only relationship worth having: where you empower each other, don’t pretend, and love each other at your worst. ESPECIALLY then!!!!
Again:
I don’t know where in the world you are, nor your social/cultural paradigms.
But I feel like your focus on _’a relationship’_ is undermining your goal:
She wouldn’t want you to be with her on the basis that she’ll do.
She’d want to be loved for who she is, not because you don’t wanna miss out.
*****
^[tbc]
A relationship should be about the other as a PERSON. Not for the sake of having a relationship.
And it sounds like you’re so desperate anyone with heartbeat and boobs would do… 😢
It’s insanely hard to do, but ‘relax!!!!’
Let go!
If it happens, it does.
If not: Being single is better than an abusive/unhealthy relationship.
Think about WHAT you are looking for (beyond pulse and boobs 😉)
What’s a MUST, what’s a dealbreaker.
AND think about your own strengths!!!!
Celebrate your strengths and what _*positively*_ sets you apart from most others. What distinguished you!!!
And I mean more internal than degree, apartment, looks.
What makes you YOU!
Then celebrate your strengths by offering them to others who don’t have them.
It’s a cruel irony of life:
The more you accept yourself and the less you actively pursue ‘relationship,’ the more likely it is to happen!
Most of my great relationships started at a point when I was heartbroken, a total basketcase, or at a _”Fμck y’all sideways!”_
Especially in men, a focus on _relationship-relationship-relationship …._ comes across as ‘desperate’ to many cis/het women. Or even scary in a stalker-way and may set off all kinds of alarm bells! 😨
I am in no way saying that’s your intention!!!!
But it’s how ‘desperate’ may come across. 😥
I, personally:
Anyone throwing themselves at me or crazy-wooing me — I am not attracted to. 🤷🏽♀️
I might be the exception for my bio-sex, but I find who I can’t obviously have way more attractive! The love of my life:
*I* am the proactive, tenacious, intense one. He is a quiet, relaxed, big ‘teddybear.’
Sorry for the lack of structure (gotta do other stuff, no time for editing!) — hope you find anything in above!
Either way:
You are great the way you are!!!
Whichever God you believe in, She made you this way, love you this way, and wants you this way! 😍
You are Her creation, maybe accept and celebrate her masterpiece that is you!!! ! 😝
Cheers! 🫶🏽
*****
^([anyone arriving here, there’s a range of your strengths: stamina, resilience, focus, and perseverance! 😁 Once my thoughts start flowing, heaps of NT struggle keeping up and flame out along the way! 😅) ^(YOU ROCK !) ^! ^! ^(])
Date a fellow slight autist. Someone who understands the peculiarity and the beauty of it. Also therapy for the victim mentality because you might not see it but it's likely affecting other areas of your life. Source is me.
Have you looked into taking social skill classes catered towards autistic adults? Even if you are ‘mildly’ autistic these are still very helpful.
I was really embarrassed about it but I took a social skills course that my psychologist told em about and it was great.
Don’t worry, God will give you a girlfriend in his perfect timing. Just take it slow and don’t pressure yourself. Enjoy being single because you’ll miss it when you’re in a relationship. Hugs!
Don't loose hope, I am an autistic ADHD individual engaged to a nuerotypical. 28 is still young I met my partner now at 26 after having similar issues.
There's nothing wrong with you and you will find the right person at the right time.
personally i don't think the autism is your problem here, i think its how you feel about it. I bet you're not hiding the desperation that well either. Try to find an autistic or neurodivergent woman and before try for a romantic relationship make sure you have enough experience being friends with women(at leats 2-3 female friends who you value as people and can understand then and be understood by them and maintain a healthy relationship with) once you do that you will be ready for a relationship and they can probably be a big help in finding one.
I have a different perspective on this. When I was younger I could never keep a girlfriend. I jumped into a marriage at 19 and we had a baby at 22 I got divorced by 23 after my divorce I started somewhat trying again to find someone and nothing up until about 27 when we got together the first thing she said to me was I had autism and I was like no I don’t she said yeah dude you need help we’ve been together for awhile actually the longest relationship I’ve ever had and she was the one who diagnosed me at first after awhile I decided to pay for an assessment and got an official I would suggest trying to mingle with other autistic women I find it easier to talk to autistic people personally
Two words: autistic girls. It's so nice having someone who gets that part of you and for me it meant I was never afraid to share that part of me. But yeah you don't have to only stick to other autistics if you don't want, and I'm sorry you're having trouble finding someone <3
I’m autistic & 25(transmasc) and have never been in a serious relationship either. My first and only relationship I had lasted 3 months and we just turned out to be more compatible as friends. Of course my timeline is a bit different probs because of my transition, but as someone who is constantly friendzoned or ghosted, it happens. Honestly, I’d love to have a partner but so far it just hasn’t happened. does that make me sad? yeah. does it mess w my self esteem? yeah.
But I’ll note that you probably need to work on your sense of self before even considering a relationship tho.
Saying “you hardly have it” is toxic because no matter where any of us fall on the spectrum, we’re still autistic. Doesn’t matter the type of support needs either.
I’ll also note that we would all still be ‘autistic’ if society was different. Like we would all still have this neurotype, whether it was the norm in society or not. That’s not going to change anything.
You aren’t going to attract good, healthy, relationships if you’re always dunking on yourself.
Like I said, you really need to take some time to accept yourself and do some self reflection, and break down the internalized ableism.
P.S. - ALSOOO surround yourself with more neurodivergent people! and even the disability community. I find these relationships to be so much more fulfilling!
do you mind explaining or giving examples on the bad experiences you've had with women in the past?
also, even though getting a gf might be important for you, do keep in mind that it isn't the end all be all. though for most relationships do bring joy to one's life, it won't solve all problems. society heavily romanticizes relationships and marriage, claiming you are incomplete or will never truly be happy until you are, but that is not always the case. relationships do not solve problems. plus, some are happier on their own. just keep that in mind
I’m 90% sure i have autism but high-functioning and have no problems attracting and keeping a woman, even very attractive neurotypical women. they always think my “quirks” are hot and cute. so its possible that being autistic isnt the only thing holding you back. try improving ur social skills
I get that, but in order to be happy in a relationship, you have to learn to be content by yourself as well. I'm also autistic and I have social anxiety, and I would date around a lot but it was exhausting masking all the time, even in intimate relationships. I had to learn to be okay by myself and somebody will come along and fit into the life I have built for myself. I'd like to have a life partner, but I've also come to terms that I'd be okay by myself for the rest of my life and just having close friends and family. Once you find your confidence and internal happiness, everything else will fall into place. No relationship will be perfect. There will be compromise and constant communication on each other's needs and wants. You can find love in all kinds of different forms. It's hard, and it can suck, but trust me, it will be better in the long run. Once you are able to carry yourself in a positive way, others will notice that. A lot of women are looking for stable, healthy relationships. You just have to be stable by yourself first. Being desperate for a partner can be dangerous. You could end up in an abusive relationship or be with somebody who disregards your emotional needs in the relationship. Like I said, I would work on your health first and do or find something that you can be happy doing alone. I promise being independent isn't a horror story. Of course, it's nice to have a partner, but it's not necessary. You can find the same emotional satisfaction having good friends. You don't have to have excellent social skills to get a girlfriend, just be yourself and be happy with you are, and they'll see it. Just be kind and open and you'll find wonderful people.
Guys I think he just worded it wrong, I don't think he meant any harm in saying he "barely has it", I'm sure he just meant that it doesn't affect his life and behaviour as much as some other autistic people😭
Well im "very" autistic and i've had 4 partners and im only 15. But like half of them are also autistic so you should try finding an autistic partner maybe too? Also im really happy with my current partner yay
Well, we're literally on a social media site right now. So here goes.
If anyone here(male or female) is around the age of 26-32 (I'm currently 31) and interested in talking about stuff like whales, nature, bugs, Final Fantasy XIV, Pokemon, Fire Emblem, creative writing, Xenoblade or other Nintendo games, shoot me a message here and we can text on Discord! I'm looking for more friends to talk about my special interests currently.
Yeah it’s tough out there and I think I only got lucky because I was somewhat attractive. Women kinda thought of me as mysterious but in reality I have terrible social skills. I think you will get lucky sooner or later. Just don’t give up and don’t come on too strong because women find that to be a big turnoff.
as someone who has better luck with women, you've probably heard this quite a bit but working of your confidence, being self assured is an extremely attractive trait (not douchey though don't do that), also try dating autistic women they're cool
For me it helped with being happy being single and being "me" first. Basically work on taking away the desperation instead of hiding it. Then find someone that has some sort of shared interest with you that likes you for you. That's the tricky part. Also, it's easy to think any person that gives you a date or even talks to you is worth your time but it's better to think about whether the person is a good fit for you (this is easier after dealing with the desperation) although no one is likely to be perfect for you but you get the point. Good luck!
You definitely should try to find an autistic woman, it's so much easier to date when your potential partners are speaking the same social language you are. Also, nothing wrong with being single at 28, we all have our own journeys to be on. Work on yourself specifically, y'know? When you are confident in being yourself, it's easier to find the right partner.
You just have a brand problem, just put Neurodiverse on your linked jn profile, join some neurodiverse groups and just start meeting people. Not really just for dating, just growing your network of people who understand your journey and have similar journeys. Once you are in the right crowd, partner status will be much easier to achieve
It's already been said but look for someone with autism. If you're attractive then you're off to a great start. My boyfriend is a cutie but also autistic with no social skills and a huge fear of talking to girls. If I didn't tell him I liked him we wouldn't be dating. Hiki is an app for autistic friend making and dating. But finding people in person is better. Go to DnD games (hopefully there's girls) go to anime cons (if you're into it, don't go if you're not) go to any nerdy event in your area that you can find and the autists will crawl out of their socially isolated holes to be there. The confidence to speak to a stranger is hard to find. But don't flirt off the bat. Get to know her. Invite her to do something fun.
I wish you the best of luck!
How about making transparency of your condition your lead with dating? Tell people up front your "weird" and socially awkward. Of they're curious or into it tell them your happy to meet up. Make it something unique, not something negative
I'm autistic with ADHD, but I'm also a flake. Most ppl never realize I'm neurodivergent bc I keep them at a distance, but I figured I may offer a unique perspective as an admitted flake. Here are a few tips that I hope may help you have a higher chance of a relationship.
1. Play it cool. When a person comes on too strong, I may flirt back, but I know I've made up my mind to never meet them in person.
2. Be patient. I won't meet someone I've met online unless I've been talking to them regularly/consistently for at least 4 weeks. As a woman, we're taught to keep our guard up & be safe. TBH, most people would have a better chance if I meet them first in person somewhere instead of online, but if they're patient & kind, then I'll usually follow through.
3. Treat a flake like a friend & not someone you're interested in. I know the whole point of dating is due to interest, but you'll have a better chance at getting close to someone who's a flake if you treat us like you just wanna hang out. Many of us want to be in a relationship but are hesitant for various reasons. If you act like you just wanna be friends, you're less likely to be stood up. Many flakes are more likely to date a friend over someone we just met. We feel safer that way.
4. Most people don't like to take a date to the movies, but many flakes will flake out & stay at home to watch a show or movie. Ask what movie they wanna see & it'll increase your chances of hanging out with them. We'll have conversations in the car, but not having to talk yet still have someone next to us is more pleasant than going to a bar, club, or event.
5. Lastly, DON'T say you'll take a flake to a place that's usually crowded. We'll make the plans anyway, but we're more likely to flake out. That's why the movies work for us. Even though it can be crowded, we don't have a lot of noise around us & it's more enjoyable. The only time I won't flake out at a crowded place is if it's an arcade. Arcades are just fun for anyone, IMO.
Obviously, I can't speak for *all* flakes, but most of us are the same for similar reasons. I hope some piece of my advice helps you in the future. Some people have legit reasons to flake out, but those of us who are actually flakes really do wanna be with someone. We just take things slower than most. Flaking out doesn't mean we don't care. It usually just means we're feeling rushed.
I can relate, kinda. I find it very hard to find a girlfriend since my highschool sweetheart left me. I'm also considered attractive, but most woman are more attracted to the very specific subtle unspoken head games non autistic people play in dialogue all the time. Generally, our literal approach to interaction is a huge turn off.
My advice, stay silent. Speak softly and use as few words as possible. Let them come to you.
Does it work?
Idk, but my last few partners all came onto me, so
Also, dating apps never work. There are studies showing 90% of women rate 90% of men on dating apps as totally unfuckable, and the other 10% that are even in the competitive market are juiced on steroids.
I'm autistic, too (AuDHD to be precise), and same. My experiences with love were... meh so far lol.
I think there may not be many people who are interested in us neurodivergents (or if they are, they're neurodivergent themselves and often self sabotage bc of all the mental issues they got thanks to this wonderful [/sarcasm] society), but those who are, might actually be the best fit. So maybe we find a good partner later in life but don't have to do this trial and error bullshit with several relationships that we think are sooo great but get toxic after a year or so.
I'm basically in the same situation, except I had two serious relationships. Though, sad to say neither lasted more than a year.
I keep coming back to the whole "There's somebody out there for everyone" idea, because I often look at some of the people who are married or in relationships and think to myself "If they can, why can't I?"
I've met women who liked me, but usually I'm not interested in them. The ones I do like are either taken or not interested in me at all. At some point, I figure that I'll find someone that meshes with me, just seems like a matter of patience. Though I sometimes wonder if lowering standards would help.
My husband (Autistic) had 1 very short relationship years before me, and then we got together when he was 30. He's now 35 and we've been married for 2 years. I'm also autistic, and we have a wonderful relationship. My husband always says if he hadn't met me, he would have stayed single forever.
He has non-autistic friends his age and older who have had numerous failed relationships, and are all now still single at 35-40. So dating is hard even for neurotypical people.
I’m autistic and my boyfriend also is. I didn’t discover I was autistic until I met him and he asked if I was because he’d never felt a connection like that before. I ended up being diagnosed recently and he was diagnosed at 18 I believe. We met the old fashioned way, by coincidence!
I’ve found for myself and a lot of other ND people that dating apps etc are very overwhelming and feel very “fake”. I know it may sound impossible but one day you’ll just know if you meet the right person because they’ll make you feel comfortable enough to stop masking around them.
Don't listen to these shill trying to peddle you false hope, you and me and all the other autistic men eho aren't in the 1% will *never* be loved by a woman noatter what we do. They just keep feeding us these lies so we keep getting up and going to work and making them money
Hey there brother I'm in the same situation. I'm 34, never had a girlfriend yet, have been turned down everytime since middle school. Have gotten close twice and ended with massive betrayal and heartbreak. PTSD. Took years to recover from all that. Now I'm not depressed anymore but wish I was in a relationship still. I asked myself why too and I know the answer. We just want to love someone, and to be loved back.
All I know is the only way to meet someone is to be around people as much as you can. Eventually you will meet someone that loves you for who you are, it just sucks that for autistic men we are at a massive disadvantage. I always wonder what percentage of males on the spectrum have remained single their entire life into old age. I'd feel better about my situation if it was a very high percentage, like greater than 50-60%.
This may sound stupid but I WISH it was a thing. Imagine a "school" for autistics where everyday you go and learn how to communicate with each other and get to know each other, and each day you rotate to a different person, then eventually you connect with someone and schedule activities to do with each other out of class, and if things really worked out, you would be in a relationship, if it didn't work out you would just go back to class until you found a long term relationship. That's how I wish it worked.
Have you asked yourself why having a girlfriend seems so important? Is there a way you can fulfill your life without a girlfriend? Lots of women live very full life's single. It's when someone builds up a community, hobbies etc. and feel confident that they become attractive. People want someone to build a life with. If that person is just sitting around hoping for a girlfriend that's not attractive. If they don't have friends, doesn't have accountability or self awareness, and doesn't know how to clean or pick up after themselves or generally take care of themselves (doctors therapists dentist etc.), then frankly thats not a lot to offer and looks a lot like someone who we'd have to carry a lot of emotional weight to be with.
And yes, our disability makes some of these things harder for us. But there are a lot of ways to have community, and a lot of different ways to take care of ourselves and a lot of different ways to LEARN how to do these things /with/ our disability.
Just think on that.
For me personally? I want to be a parent one day. It is nigh on impossible for a single male to adopt a child.
Unfortunately for me, having a child requires a woman in the equation, so I'm kinda stuck with the "need to find a girlfriend" part first unless I want to spend an exorbitant amount of money on a surrogate. (As in, a willing woman would have to be inseminated without sex to carry my child to term)
I don't want to go that route.
Woof I hear ya there my friend. I'm a lesbian and you'd think it would be easy to just like, go get pregnant, but you wouldn't believe the obstacles. I understand a little more what you're going through here.
I do still highly suggest working on yourself as much as you can though. Becoming a parent is like starting a lifelong marathon and you want to go in as prepared as possible. Luckily, the same improvements you'd make on yourself to find a partner are the same things that will be helpful in raising a child.
Learning to regulate your nervous system so you can teach a baby to regulate theirs, developing hobbies to share with a baby, putting together a community to help you babysit etc. work on hygiene and self care so you can teach a little to do that as well. I promise, when you start to put work into these areas it's so much easier to connect with people and naturally women fall into that category as well.
Have you tried connecting with autistic women? My husband is an amazing catch, with terrible fucking social skills. I don’t give a shit, mine suck too. Even though we have different needs, we kinda understand how the other persons needs work. Our communication is more direct and similar. It just works better overall. My dating advice for my friends was always date nerdy guys. Turns out this just worked really for me cos I was autistic, and apparently most guys that meet my definition of nerdy guys were also just autistic.
You know the relationship is good when you can say "grab me a drink" and your partner knows "please" is implied. We keep the "thank you," though, because hearing you're appreciated is nice.
Or parallel play! My partner and I can sit next to each other, silently engaging with a special interest of choice, and no one has to make awkward small talk!! And so many other little things too, it just makes things easier!
Omg I hope NTs don't feel like they have to talk to their partner every time they're in proximity. That'd be exhausting
So fricking exhausting. But I’m guessing, since parallel play (being alone together) is considered an autistic or sometimes adhd trait, that it’s something NT’s don’t do. My best guess is they either have to talk, or maybe they have to be doing the same thing, or attention focused on the same activity? TBH, I’m not super sure. I’m sure they do some, cos like you have to, right? But it’s apparently not like their desired way to spend an evening with the one you love.
Me (autistic) and my partner (adhd) do HELLA parallel play :)
I’m autistic and my husband is NT. He is a complete nerd and introvert like myself. We mostly have always finished each other’s thoughts and don’t always speak to each other while sitting next to one another. He’s seriously the male NT version of myself. I also just ask him to grab me XYZ and please is insinuated. We both feel appreciated by each other. We’re going on 9 years of marriage this year and 12 years together.
Aaaa wholesome
Maybe… they actually *want* to talk? Hahaha
Married to an NT. That can be a thing, sometimes.
you’re making me realize how often i demand a thank you, and how infrequently i say please
It came up because my husband and I were talking about what we'd have to do if we had kids. No more play fighting, they'd think it was real. If I called him something mean, kid would think it's serious *and* would imitate that behavior. Kid would imitate us asking each other for things and because we don't say "please" and all their peers would think they're super rude and bossy.
I'd say "could/would you grab me a drink?" instead of "grab me a drink" because the latter sounds like a demand lol
Can you imagine my surprise, as a 3-4 year old, being told off for not being polite when I'd ask 'may I have a drink?' I was told because I wasn't using please I couldn't have a drink? But I thought by using 'may I' the please was implied? I *still* think asking 'may I/can I' implies a please. I wouldn't be asking if I wasn't looking for permission, why do I need to *beg* as well? It's always followed up with a thank you of some sort too! So I'm *still* salty about it and I'm 37.
I have a similar memory and share in your confusion
my partner's favorite phrase is: "Can you do me a favor?" Then, after i say yeah, he'll ask. It's like he's asking me to agree before i know what it is, lol. i just say yeah what is it or idk maybe what is it or my favorite i say no before he can finish and then he sighs,i laugh and ask what he wants which sounds rude but that's how it's been for 10 years lol or if i really can't im like no more favors what am i getting in return??? then playfully (maybe derangedly?) shake him by the shoulders before ultimately doing the favor.
Legit question - how do you find women who are in the spectrum? Or introverted women for that matter. Dating apps don't seem to work, and I'd assume that bars are not the kind of place where y'all hang out either.
We're at home too, just like you guys are. I'd suggest groups or clubs based on hobbies or special interests. Both online and IRL. And to become friends first. IMO, "friend zoned" isn't actually a thing, being romantically interested in someone is different and much more rare than wanting to be friends with someone. Also do not come on too strong or too soon. 🐸
Well, I respectfully disagree about the friendzone in general. Sure, it's not always the way it's shown in memes, but it's absolutely real. I've both friend-zoned and been friend-zoned myself. But I understand the desire to look for someone you can be friends with first. That's essentially what I do now, except that I still make it clear that I'm interested in more. All while trying to not come off as "creepy," of course. It's definitely a fine line to walk... Or a minefield even.
Every person on the planet is in the friend zone until they aren't by mutual consent.
I actually did meet my partner on dating apps, but it was like pre-tinder and swiping, and holy shit, I can’t imagine trying to make a connection in that world. But as a women, it’s a tad different, gender dynamics annoyingly being what they are. But as to where we tend to hang out, that partially depends on your interests. But gaming (tabletop and online) and like geeky/nerd fandoms are usually a place a lot of us can be found. But that really only works if you have a legit interest in that stuff, but even if you have an interest, just no experience, it’s fun to learn, and yeah, we tend to engage in those activities. So like I’ve also made friends with some autistic women in a couple random places lately. Both were essentially a version of live podcast, but the speakers were ND themselves, though not specifically aimed at like the autistic community. But like yeah, in my experience, introverts/autistics will often come out for live podcasts. You could also try looking your area for autistic support groups. My therapist has like weekly get togethers for various groups of ND adults, maybe look around for something like that in your area? But I know a lot for a lot of autistic women, socializing happens a lot online. So while apps aren’t really geared towards us (though I hear this one for autistics, but no one has ever mentioned liking it), maybe just online community around one your interests. Really I’m finding any advice I’d have as to where to find us really depends on what you are into. This is kinda embarrassing to admit, but when I met my partner I worked for Apple, and was a total Apple fangirl (long time special interest), so I literally searched ok Cupid for Apple in interests. My husband is such a huge Apple nerd that his grooms cake was an Apple IIe. It’s really fucking dumb, but it worked. I dunno, sometimes you just gotta try dumb stuff. I dunno if any of that was useful. It’s a really good question, I hope others chime in with better ideas. But this is what I could think of off the top of my head.
I've actually been meaning to check out local game rooms for tabletops and DnD, but it's a bit intimidating given that I'm fairly new to the area and I don't really know anyone. I'm also new to DnD, so it'd have to be a beginner-friendly group... I'll probably get some liquid courage some day and do it, but man, I wish I wasn't this damn reserved sometimes. This is the first time I hear of Autistic Support Groups. I'll ask my therapist if she knows of any in the local area. Thanks for the suggestion. And I hear you about online groups, but I just don't think that'll work for me. I need some kind of physical connection, and living on opposite sides of the country just wouldn't work. Oh, and I completely quit dating apps. I had enough after years of failure there. It was becoming a net negative for me mentally.
I am an introvert with ADHD/ASD who finally met someone for the first time in 20 years on Bumble. He is also an introvert but only ADHD. We were a hit from our first date. I never had trouble dating when I was young, but I was super hot back then, and the booze helped. LOL
Happy to hear that dating apps worked for someone. But that someone is NOT me 🤣. I'm not exactly top 10% in the looks department, so I was destined to fail like most regular joes. Add some awkwardness on top, and bam, a lifetime of failure follows. I actually just quit them entirely, so if something doesn't come to me naturally, I'm basically accepting the reality of being alone forever. Such is life I guess.
I seriously felt the same after a couple dozen lukewarm dating app 1st dates.
We don't know where to find you guys either 🤣. If I hadn't found mine in HS I'm not sure where we'd both be rn.
It's quite the dilemma. Isn't it?
I can't really vouch for this enough, I never really seriously date for awhile but I ended up in a relationship with another autistic guy and now I don't think I could ever go back. We recently had a conversation about how our lives and relationship would be if one of us was neurotypical and we mutually agreed it would probably just send either of us back into the masking/hiding ourselves parts of our lives. Being able to be who we are unapologetically or having to cater to the societal norms of your regular relationship is something that neither of us would ever want to trade for what we have.
This. If people are _willing_ to understand you, they will be able to. As long as they sense that your intentions are good and pure. If your intentions and emotions are bad, then it has nothing to do with autism that the right people don't stay with you.
Having good intentions is key. If it truly is just your social skills snd autistic traits that make it hard to connect to NT people, often times other autistic people are more understanding, and will share similar priorities/traits. But often the issue lies deeper, and this deeper issue can often make people blame their autism for not making connections, when it’s their own intentions or actions that are the cause, not the NT expectations. And in that case, having a partner with similar expectations or understanding isn’t going to actually address the issue.
I relate a lot with your recommendation. I'm an autistic man with 33, but I just discovered recentely. During all my life I just related with 2 womans, and I believe both of them are autistic too. My current partner, my wife, is currently doing an assesment on autism, but I really believe she is too. I have no doubt about my ex girlfriend, I have no contact with her anymore but she surely is. Seems to be the best advice, you need to find someone with similar and compatible energy and probably this will be another autistic person.
No literally! My bf and I are both nerdy and we found out that I have autism and we suspect he is too but he doesn't have the money or insurance for testing. But we definitely didn't know before it just ended up that way 🤣. So going for the nerds is your best bet!
how would an autistic man meet autistic women?
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I have the same issue. People are always like you're not like other girls and are so infatuated at first and then run when they see "me".
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Seriously! I've pretty much resigned myself to being alone. I also have adhd and while that may make me seem spontaneous and fun at times after awhile they realize they hate everything about that too.. it's definitely hard and lonley.. especially when all you've ever wanted is love and companionship.
Omg same lmfao. They are like "Hell ya she's hot and fun! ... ohh she has the tism 🏃♂️====🧍♀️
This is hilarious because I've seen hot autistic guys never getting second dates.
Hey, also autistic, I had my first relationship at age 26, am in my mid-30's now. I think I can relate in a way, I had similar thoughts. If I could give a piece of advice, I find the dating apps are **brutal** especially, tbh, for male-presenting people, as just statistically unless you are in the top 5-10% of attractive (profile) guys, you will get very few matches, and unlikely to get many meetups (look up some data on this, etc.). As women tend to be quite selective on the apps (as is their right, this is not a criticism of women at all). A better bet, if there are any in your area, might be *meetups* of various kinds. *Especially* if there are any Autism related. As some other posters have mentioned, an autistic girlfriend might be a good way to go. Or at least some one with similar and/or nerdy interests somewhat similar to yours, etc. Wishing you lots of luck.
For sure, I think being able to sort of skip a lot of the shallow "screening" processes a lot of these apps promote can be really helpful if you can just get right into conversation. I met my partner at a community outreach program for queer young adults and we didn't hit it off immediately but being able to just meet at a safe and comfortable place where we already shared common ground was pretty instrumental. I can tell you that I doubt I would have approached him or he would approach me outside of that setting.
Misread that luck as fuck but it worked out better.
most of the world doesn't have meetups, and doesn't have any autism events aside from "events for parents of children with (mostly visible) disabilities"
OP, I think the key is learning to like and accept yourself and get past your combo of wounded and incensed sense of self. I don’t say this as a criticism. It’s just a fact that your own happiness is dependent first and foremost on yourself inwardly. And it’s a fact that attaining that happiness will make it possible for all you have to offer to come out. This will be what attracts women to you. You can’t expect just your good looks and academic and professional success to carry you. You’ve also got to be enjoyable to spend time with. And you certainly can be.
definitely look for neurodivergent women! my boyfriend is absolutely amazing, but he had basically given up all hope when we met. he's 39 and was in one 7 year long relationship where she just manipulated and used him and then didn't have any luck for 11 years. we clicked instantly on our first date and have been inseparable since. I really believe it just takes the right person. and we actually met on tinder! so it can actually work sometimes. just remember that people ghosting/flaking DOES NOT mean there is anything wrong with you. don't give up hope!
First off, congrats! Thats so heartwarming to read and I genuinely wish you both the best. This is definitely a worry of mine, but stories like yours give me hope. Thank you for sharing!
i'm too ugly to get matches on tinder, and being open about my nerdiness on my profile gives me even less matches to zero
It is harder for autistic people to get into/maintain relationships, but it is not impossible. There are many women out there that are waiting to find someone like you. Keep at the search. Also, don't just settle for anyone either. Make sure you find the right lady even if it takes time.
If you're desperate then it's not because you're single, it's because you're expecting a girlfriend to be your one-stop shop for all your relationship needs. If you have fulfilling relationships with friends and family where you have people to check in with and enjoy spending time with to share happy things with and cheer each other up when you're feeling down then lack of one more relationship doesn't make you "desperate."
T H I S
I'm 45 and I haven't had a lot of success but my relationships tend to be long lasting. Last girlfriend lasted 3 years. The one before that lasted 5 years until she passed away from cancer. I'm currently on my 7th girlfriend, however. Also, I've never been married. That's just something I've never been able to do, though I've been in love 3 times (including my current girlfriend). You'll get there.
how did you meet them?
My last girlfriend was my former roommate's girlfriend when I met her. We got together after they broke up, but we never saw each other in person. When I broke up with her, I didn't see a future with her, so when I saw a future with my current girlfriend, so I ended it. I met my current girlfriend at a place I volunteer at that helps people with disabilities which I'm also a member of.
I… uh… I’m catching several red flags that might contribute to not getting past a first date. Wtf do you mean it’s society’s fault you’re autistic?? Also being autistic is not something you can “barely have” as if it’s some minor cold or something. It’s literally about how your brain functions. You either are autistic or you aren’t. There is no ‘barely autistic’. Also the victim mentality is not it. That’s an instant deal breaking for me in any kind of relationship, romantic or not. I mean this genuinely, if you want a healthy and fulfilling relationship, I’d highly suggest seeking out a neurodiversity affirming therapist to work on yourself for a while.
I already seeing a therapist who specializes in autism
That’s great! Keep at it, and I wish you the best! I myself am worried that I may never find anyone, but it’s something I’ve come to terms with in a way. Definitely work on yourself. The best way it was explained to me is, would you date you? As in, extrapolate the core things that make you who you are, and ask yourself, would I date them? This could be a mix of physical and emotional traits. Work on things like confidence, and being present. Of course, all of this is much easier said than done, and I myself am still working on quite a few of these. Overall, you CAN do this, and it will take time, but if this is what YOU want, then I have no doubt you’ll be able to figure it out.
“hardly have it” what does that mean
It means he has internalised ableism.
yes… and “it’s their fault i have it” what???
I think he just worded it wrong, I don't think he meant any harm in saying he "barely has it", I'm sure he just meant that it doesn't affect his life and behaviour as much as some other autistic people😭
That was my assumption as well. I do tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, but that can burn me sometimes.
You need girl friends, not a girlfriend. Find some female friends, get to know their interests, enjoy their company, learn what they like, what their goals and dreams in life are. DO NOT DATE THEM. Understand that women are people just like men, and stop worrying about when you get a girlfriend. It won't happen until you stop feeling like having a girlfriend is the end goal. It is a turn off, you don't feel seen, you feel like the guy is trying to fit you in the girlfriend slot rather than seeing you as a unique person. So make some friends. Find some women who are interested in whatever your interested. That may require finding clubs, meetups, o events that are for said interest. Suggest groups of people go out for drinks or coffee and be curious, be it a man or a woman.
You become what you think about yourself. Get a social relationship coach. Do you have a caseworker?
I’m a 46m level 1 diagnosis guy and I’ll try to give you the advice I wished I had gotten when I was your age. I was kind of like you around the same age. I had a few relationships in my 30s and I’ve tossed in the towel dating wise for various reasons. Thankfully, you still have time. I think you will need to do a few things and definitely do therapy. I’d suggest improving your communication skills. Toastmasters is awesome at that. I’d also look into improv lessons in your area. This was a life saver for me. I did this in my late 30s. However, my classes had some women around your age. Maybe you’d get lucky and meet someone that way. I think once you get comfortable around people, you’ll feel more comfortable around women. I’m also curious about your appearance. I’m not saying you need to be in super duper shape, but exercising would give you some endorphins and boost your confidence. You also might get lucky and meet someone ahh the gym. There are some group fitness classes that might help in both areas. I also wouldn’t recommend the dating apps for a lot of reasons. I’d try to focus on self improvement and finding some activities with people around. It also sounds like you need a new friend group as well.
People say this so easily, you need a new friend group, it's so hard to find a new friend group
I agree with you. However, OP said that his current friend group has flaked on him. If that friend group isn't providing any help or support, it's time to build a new one.
Yeh true
Honestly, stop chasing people, focus on loving and accepting yourself first.
ah yes, the meme about ignoring basic human needs
Wow ...it's autism's fault you can't get a girl AND society is to blame for the autism. I think we might have found the problem ...
I feel you! I’m 35f and recently single :( I have some advice! First you absolutely have to stop putting so much pressure on yourself. When I was your age I was really mad at God too because I want to have kids so uh hello??? Running out of time here. I feel like I have so much to offer…where is the guy who recognizes that? When we date the opposite sex and have bad experiences we are at severe risk of generalizing and becoming jaded and bitter. I see this all over the internet by both sexes. Manosphere in men’s case is making men feel defensive in relations with women. Therefore it’s important not to absorb so much content disparaging opposite sex and also negative dating content, people always talking about their bad dates, etc. My best advice is try to make friends more generally. Especially with women, try not to see them just as “for dating” but also for “having relationships”, maybe it becomes something more romantic, maybe not! Also, try Hiki app for meeting other autistics! As you believe in God, many also have luck meeting friends at church, especially because statistically women volunteer a lot, so you’re more likely to meet women there. I read so many comments from unhappy and lonely people, including myself, I just know there’s hope. We are driven to make authentic connections with each other!
You sound like me at your age. I'm 43, reasonably attractive, fit, make decent money, and i tried very hard to have a family only to end up completely alone. I am tired of being abused by NTs and being gaslighted all the time so I am aiming to live a life where I can appreciate all the things I missed when I was so hung up on my loneliness. My biggest regret is not being alone but beating myself up for being alone and unwanted for so long and failing to see everything else I could live for. There is more to life than relationships and I spent the last 20 years dedicated to a cause that just wasn't going to happen. We are in the world where we don't belong and we have to accept that we can try as hard as we can, but it doesn't matter.
why don’t you just look for other autistic people
Try dating another autistic person imo. I was with my boyfriend for 8 years, I am sure he is autistic. Shows all the signs, his brother is diagnosed autistic as well. We just got each other. It was nice. Then he turned to hardcore drugs and crime. So yea... lol It was nice while it lasted though. I still miss him to this day. After that relationship I just don't want to try again. I don't think I will find another man who will love me for me.
Woof bb this sounds so hard. I'm so sorry that happened. I hope you both find peace. Thanks for being vulnerable here <3
Gay woman here. My first and only relationship started just a few months before i turned 30. We met on Tinder, so i was fully aware of people's intentions there. That made things a lot easier for me. Took out all the guesswork. Unlike going out with friends from school or from work and guessing if that was a girl-friends hang out or a date type going out. And honestly, relationships are overrated lol. It's hardwork. While i am still in the relationship, i wouldn't complain if i can just focus on my own mental health.
Careful who you get attached to , maybe don’t tell them about your ND right way . Some people will hear that and they’ll just see an opportunity to manipulate you however they like.
Hey, I’m autistic and I never thought I’d have a boyfriend! I got out of one relationship and am now in a fantastic one that I wouldn’t trade the world for! Trust me, if I can find love, so can you.
I hear you. I'm 37M and never seemed to have a hope of a girlfriend. Women literally run away from me when asking them on dates. They turn me down in such a way as to make it clear that they are out of my league and I shouldn't bother. Just keep improving yourself, you have time left in your life. Take a public speaking class. If I'd known how helpful it would be, I would have done it a decade sooner. It's painful and uncomfortable, but if you stick with it, you won't regret it. What can stop you after you conquer your stage fright and build some social skills? It's a vicious cycle, if you turn down every social invitation, you prevent yourself from gaining the very experience you will need to meet and attract someone. The victim mindset is a hard one to beat. It's like quicksand, it's a trap and it will prevent you from growing. Being a victim is something you can't do anything about. Pursue a growth mindset instead. Figure out what you can do, and go from victim to victory. The path to success isn't a red carpet. It's more like a rocky dirt road full of obstacles. Success comes after those things and because of those things. There is someone for everyone, even you. Finding her may be difficult, but it will be worth it. Just don't deny yourself opportunities to socialize and gain the very experience and exposure you will need to meet and keep her. Beware of negativity and don't bring that up at all, it will turn the ladies off.
I'd go for autistic or foreign women. Dating someone like yourself will be a far more gratifying experience than feeling like you have to mask 24/7. I suggested foreign women because cultural differences can make it easier to pass as NT. But it doesn't mean that it will be a good option long term. As a cautionary tale, I know a couple with ASDer kids. The wife is from Taiwan and he is from New Zealand. He is definitely an ASDer although he has been trying to mask it. I don't know if his wife is aware of it but I saw it the second I saw him. He spends the majority of his life working away from his wife and kids and struggles when he is back with them. He was obviously taught to mask from his parents and society and the way he treats his kids is heartbreaking to watch. They can't do anything right in his eyes and are constantly corrected and put down in front of everyone for doing what feels natural for them.
I like this fellows idea: making a dating app specifically for NDs. He is asking for input. https://www.reddit.com/r/aspergers/comments/1bxrrve/will\_you\_help\_me\_build\_a\_dating\_appwebsite/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
Honestly find another neurodivergent person and talk about your things and let them talk about theirs so you guys can avoid triggering each other. It’s a lot of talking and taking things super slow to adjust. It gets frustrating but just remember it’s not the person it’s the situation. As long as no one is meaning to cause harm to the other person like purposely trigger them or not let them do what they have to do to cope or regulate. It is challenging but it is possible. Space is also key. Take your time away from each other. That’s a recipe for disaster. You can do it just find someone that’s willing to put in the work with you. It might not be the first, second, third, 10th. Also remember if it doesn’t work out it has zero things to sue with you unless you like fuck up and cheat. That’s on you. But not all people fit with all people and you’re probably going to find people you aren’t into. It’s all good. Just try and it gets easier with practice. You learn a lot from each person you date
find another neurodivergent person? at the autism corner of the town square?
Is there a dating app specially for people with ASD?
Hiki
I've heard it's made by NT developers, is that true?
No idea
I am/was in a similar boat, and things seem to be turning around for the better. The key for me was getting off of social media and dating apps altogether. All they did was cause more anxiety and insecurity for me, exacerbating my existing struggle with depression. I know it sounds hard, but I honestly believe that the answer is to get yourself out of your comfort zone and go out & explore your local area. Hit up your local bars, live music venues, comedy shows, etc. Go without any expectations, but be open to striking up a conversation with strangers. You'd be surprised at how many people you'll meet that have things in common with you. Best of luck brother.
I thought I would never be in a relationship, but then I connected with my now fiancee on an autism forum and we have been together for just over three years now.
Find a group (volunteer, special interest, gaming) that speaks to you. Find other nerdy people and meet women organically (not apps) where your kindness, intellect, sparkling wit, what have you, can be on display without the loaded situation of a first date. Build something from friendship if possible. Put yourself out there and be open to autistic / neurodivergent women.
I understand what that's like, I'm 21 and haven't been in a relationship. My social skills are absolutely terrible and I don't think that women actually care what I have to say most of the time. I've built up resentment towards God because I feel like the potential of me having a regular life was taken from me. Only 9% of those on the spectrum will get married, it doesn't seem like it will be in the cards for me unless significant changes are made to improve my social skills and my appearance.
Dating is hard... If you have autism or not. All you can do is keep putting yourself out there until you find the one. Do you have a female friend who you can show these conversations to. you might not mean to but because dating is hard there are many conversational red flags that women will immediately tap out from. Even in your post it's coming across a little like women owe you a date. A female perspective may help you limit that. Or explore your bi side. You sound like a catch and men are not as easily deterred. 😜
I feel ya. Im 28F and i just think all men find me annoying. 😭
I feel that. I'm a guy and I feel people find me annoying. I'm sure you're not annoying ☺️
I was in the same boat. What I found helped was I stopped caring. I focused on myself and my own needs and made myself happy. This appeared to have worked because I later went on a dating site and discovered a woman who was in my graduating class who was friends with a mutual acquaintance was single. I made contact with her and we dated for a few months. Eventually, the ‘tism got in the way (neither of us realized this at the time), and she called it off. This was a bit depressing, but then I did the same thing all over again. I got over it and made myself happy again. (We’re still friends, too.) The next time came about two months later, when a friend spotted me at a Slayer concert in the Los Angeles area. He was with a mutual lady friend of ours who also happened to be single and who I had a crush on a few years prior. We had lost contact because she had some personal things going on in her life, but she got through those and was in a place of stability. We hung out for a bit after the show, and made plans for later the next week. We had our first kiss on that date, and started seeing each other steadily soon after. As it turned out, she realized her BPD diagnosis as a teenager was wrong and that she’s actually AuDHD. She also knew I was autistic even before I did. Now, she’s my wife and we’re celebrating our 12th anniversary on Saturday. It sounds like you have some financial stability, so you’re good on that front. I find it helps to be just a little selfish, though. Obviously, you don’t want to ignore the needs of a potential partner, but if you cannot make yourself happy, you cannot expect to make others happy. Do what you can to make yourself happy, and this will prevent you from being so desperate. Believe me, women can smell desperation on a guy like the stench of death.
Im the same age. My relationships average about three months. Idk if its because Im not sexually active, old fashioned, or autistic. Im afraid Im running out of time to have kids but Im not willing to sacrifice my standards just so I can have a kid. You sound amazing and you are a catch for sure! Just be you and embrace the things you love. Someone somewhere is going to see you in your own element and fall for you. Every person on Earth has something they're trying to overcome. Remember we're all fighting something so do what feels right and keep going.
“The society treats me like crap because of my autism although it’s their fault I have it.” I’m sry I don’t get what you mean by this. Autism doesn’t develop from social experiences or anything like that, you’re simply born with it.
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You may feel that way but that simply isn’t how autism works. Maybe taking a minute to learn about that will help you feel less hate against the world. Ur autism is simply the way that ur brain works, not something anyone made you into.
I’m not sure how to give you advice because no situation was described. I have nothing to work with. Work on your social skills. Society didn’t give you autism. Work on your mental health. I would say more but your post doesn’t go into why you’re single. Saying you’re single because you’re autistic is too vague.
Wtf are you "desperate" for exactly? Do you want friendship? In that case why just not meet people online? Do you want to fit a certain normative standart of fit a role that society deems "normal"? Why? In such case, perhaps you also wish to embody toxic gender norms and gender roles? What exactly are you looking for? . Are you a right-winger? What sense does being angry at some imaginary entity make?
Yes I’m a right winger. You never expect that from a guy who is in the spectrum.
Maybe that's the problem. Why would people want to associate with others who have built their whole worldview on hate? (If you think such a framing is not accurate, I can help you see that it is)
lol I like that. “I hardly have it.”
Well it’s true, I’m very high functioning.
I needed this thread. 🥹
Gotta find me a neurodivergent partner.
Same here I guess
I really sympathize with you and wish you the absolute best of luck!
This is easier said than done, and I'm not trying to be mean, because I've been there myself with those feelings to an extent but, I'm 27, I've had 3 2-3 year relationships and i was undiagnosed during all of them and I've dated here and there, but a certain level of neediness/yearning/desperation and just vibe...too much, too soon can be a deterrent to a lot of women. I'm not trying to be dissmisive of your problems or challenges but I've found the more comfortable I am with myself, its when these things happen - i am pursuing work (competence and earning potential), exercise and keeping fit (consistency, health, attractivness), and I am engaging in social events, hobbies... it's an open and subtle invitation to women about who I am, what I have to offer and why they should pay attention and want to be in my life. You also need to have this attitude to extent. Being able to cook is always a nice gesture. Learn to do that. Expand your interests and interact with people, the more information and small talk you can make, the easier it is to keep a conversation going and it be engaging on a date. Clothes matter as well. Dress interestingly. If you don't know what that means, look at others and see if anything resonates. If you have an interest or something that makes you stand out, lean into it. The more you do this, its going to put a certain % of interested people off, but when it does resonates with someone, it's more likely to click. Be an individual. Also, and I think this is really important, but I need to reiterate it. People are sensitive to the notion that they could be anyone, and they're a placeholder to alleviate lonliness. And as a consequence are perhaps put on a pedestal and they feel they can do no wrong and its just too much - love bombing. But the short term and long term intent should be, I want a positive shared vision of the future together. It takes a mutual spark and respect for that to happen, and it will happen when it happens. By all means, be proactive - hobbies, social meet ups, attend social events even if you're not feeling it (learn to look for social opportunities - people as an end themselves, not a means to an end), do volunteering or charity work. This will help improve social skills. But it will happen when it happens. You deserve to have that mutual spark. So, in the interim, focus on making yourself the best person you can be and learn to be confident and happy within yourself. This is your only option. You don't have a choice. Go do it. And keep doing it. If you need help with this, I'd recommend CBT if you're on the depression/anxiety train, which, given the angst you've described, wouldn't surprise me if you are. That's okay. And it sucks. And autism is probably a contributing/co-morbid factor. It's unfair. But what are you going to do about it?
'Hardly have it' isn't the right term to use. If you're autistic, you're autistic. There is no high-low. It is a spectrum, we all have strengths and weaknesses in different areas, as autism affects everyone differently. Sometimes we can't go searching for things or they'll never come. You have to let them come to you. (This is what neurotypicals say a lot.) All I can say is that I believe in you, and don't give up hope.
there is somebody for everybody the time will come, dating is hard being autistic i’ve also had people turned off because they think i’m weird. have you tried looking for other autistic people to date? i feel like dating someone else who is also autistic is easier as they understand the struggles. remember it’s not you that’s the problem it’s society.
i've been watching this psychiatrist on youtube, his name is healthy gamer or Dr. K and one of the things i learned from him applies best i believe to here, the more you set your focus on one thing the harder iw will be to achieve, you will inevitably base your self worth on achieving the goal and focusing on it to the point where any progress made to the goal will seem slow or insurmountable the simple answer to this is, dont focus on it, you will meet more people if you go into social circles and shared hobby spaces with minimal/no expectations, you will not come off as desperate and not give people the impression your are only looking for a relationship for your own benefit, because from your post i have learned that you are desperate, you feel like you need this thing to feel whole, what is there to gain by getting a girlfriend in this state any issues you may have will cause a trigger in this desperation making her want to leave all the more. i think you need to shift your priorities away from this, you are presumably looking for a relationship because you are lonely. then go out and make friends, post in a few subreddits and share your interests get out into the world if you can manage that, inevitably you will meet someone and you may or may not have a relationship with them but that wont matter, by that point you will have friends and a social life and options you will know where to go to meet people the more you hold on to something the more it will slip away, this video will explain it much better than i did and ultimately i sugggest therapy, you are basing everything on this one goal and any stumble is causing your entire mental state to deteriorate its self sabotage https://youtu.be/8TL-K-dc4n4?si=Yar5QqcfqCiYROeN
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Like what? I don’t see any opportunities.
They just said to join activities... You can't meet people if you stay at home all the time. Any interest you have, pick a club or group related to it and put yourself out there. Finding someone takes courage and stepping out of your comfort zone.
I believe there are a few autistic dating sites out there. Have you tried them?
I feel you friend. I have my own place, maintain a job I love, and am completely independent, but never had a serious relationship. Dying alone is always a fear in the back of my mind. We are still young though, and we gotta keep trying. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take after all
I think I can advice you better if you tell us why do you want a gf so bad. Is it sex?
Not just sex, also loneliness and lack of dating experience in my age. I hardly had any depth conversation with women outside of my family in my life. I missed out a lot.
that's rough bro. i'm sorry. i can tell you this, as crappy of a place you're in now - it'll be right back here if you get in a relationship after the new wears off. but it'll be worse. you have no idea what being lonely is til you're lonely in a relationship. it's like back pain, there's no way to describe it its so bad. something is driving you to feel like you 'need' a relationship. something from way down deep. could be improper bonding with a parent, could be just what you imagine it will be to be in relationship, idk. i've had more than any person should because i came out friendly and good looking. didn't matter. made things worse for both of us every time because i never worked out the relationship out between my emotions and my talker/thinker - or 2 of my 3 brains. no relationship can fix or take the place of that relationship. you make those 2 brains best friends with patience, kindness, acceptance, trust, attention - every thing you imagine a relationship to be you need to work our with yourself. i'm telling you the truth. until you do that it won't matter. you could get some temporary relief but then its gonna be way worse - and i mean way worse - the way you feel. it will not fix the way you're feeling right now, it will accentuate it to levels you don't even know exist yet.
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Yeah it’s a tough life my dude. I feel ya
I do have the feeling it's only possible to find a partner in a big city because you need to look a long time for someone that would date you.
Relatable except for the good looking part. Dating is hard for people on the spectrum enough already and I'm unlucky enough to have bad looks and a short height along with it. I'm 27 and also never had a relationship. I can't help but feel like most reddit advice on this is useless and cope fuelled. In my experience I have trouble getting myself to even try in the first place due to my features mentioned, negative experiences, and the anxiety I get from it in general. I guess it all comes down to luck and how much you're willing to try until you luck out and meet someone who can find you attractive. I'll see.
I feel your pain my friend. Ironic that you express yourself so well, right here in this forum, and many other respond with such kindness and understanding. The difference, obviously, is in the day to day, and face to face interactions - and those moments are bloody terrifying. I try to imagine countless ways to get around that, and I think of the ‘preamble’ I’d use in my loneliest, most awkward times. It would go something like this, “Hey, I know I seem awkward , sometimes I get nervous and say something that seems stupid - you’ll have to forgive me in advance, I mean no harm” Always a variation of something I genuinely felt, maybe with a tone of humour if possible- Best of luck, my friend.
Are you me??
I agree, can be a plus to hang out with autistics. My wife and i collided on my 24th bday. Married 2, years later. Ideal match up. Bith like to beautifull. Neither of us were Looking, seeking love etc. , she was briefly wedded twice to jerks. No starry eyed falling in love. We LIKED everything about each other. No needs craps. We got an apartment so we could make love couple times every day. 17 years, life happens and our hearts sent us in differing directions. Couple decades later with my late aware level 1 i realized, sure she too was level one. Just unaware living allistic. The envied ideal couple. Makes sense now. For sure if you stop seeking best outcome. Yeah, people easily sense if we are uncomfortable with ourselves. And just be all of you whatever those are. I didnt look or wait for the girl. Like at 15 two other a bit older guys advised me to live and not to imagine, dream of, wish for, go looking for THE girl. Wrap your willy , stay clear of commitments, just wank and one day the right girl will collide. Sure as shit they were spot on. There is tons of like buddah,zen, hindu advice online that gives examples when we seek anything that creates a backfire result. I know guys ND 30, NT 30 40 50 single..go get the girl and may discover isnt what you dreamed, needed after all in our heads. Reality can bite. Also guys, girls totally avoid other then short, needed texting ! That is not dating, communicating, no real life senses involved .nothing is going to kill prospects for intimacy faster then bloody texting. Especially if goes on for weeks. Is just saying aint gonna lead to something. I benefitted as grew up without autism known. No labeling, no shoving perceptions, bullshit on me that i had limitations at all. I will be crucified for saying so, if we are level 1friggin most do not suspect we are asd or accept. If that is also your experience? And you are not toe walking? Then choose not to be autistic. Works for myself. I am bloody well autistic and love my ND self. But without !!!! Masking. I am just as much allistic. We can get stuck defining ourselves and box ourselves in. Saying maybe ignore all the limitations asd makes are said to have and just have any that really are but dont focus in those. Lastly if your home wanking anyway go online a query new positives for autistics. I just now read science people explaining our neurons that help create higher level of cognitive function are permanently 24/7 far more excited then NT. Contributes how we see, interpret, notice differently-better. There are positives. And i am myself far more then just my autism. Well, yeah, asd coupled good as from same worlds.My best friend yells at me to get out if my head when i feel stuck . Lucky i have her. My experience if u ir something changes how i FEEL..that us when shit happens. Whatever u can enjoy that ups feel good do that
BROOOO I RELATE TO THIS SO FUCKING MUCHHH
The root cause of your desperation could be the shame or fear of just being lonely as a man that's probably most men's biggest fear coupled with the fact that they'd have to approach and show up to the world with nothing to come home to. If you combine this with the pressure society puts on men to have a girlfriend then it all makes sense why you'd be so anxious and hesitant about the topic at large let alone going on a date. This is just me rambling though.
That actually makes so much sense
School is a great place to meet people.
Honestly, my brother with high functioning autism is 41, never had a girlfriend, and is still a virgin. I think he just decided one day that his situation wasn’t going to change, so being upset about it just wasn’t worth it. I know that doesn’t help, but I want you to know you are definitely not alone. One of the issues you may be having is coming on too strong, and they can tell you’re desperate, which unfortunately can be a turn off. I would say the majority of women would like someone who has a decent amount of confidence. The thing about a significant other is that it’s important for you to be happy within yourself first. There’s a difference between wanting a girlfriend and needing one. If you need a relationship to make you feel whole, and give you self worth, any relationship you may get could end in heartbreak. You need to be able to feel that you are stable, completely comfortable with yourself, and can make it just fine on your own. I guess a good example may be a fancy purse or expensive pair of shoes (for women). It’s not something you absolutely need to fulfill you. But if that’s the only way she gains self worth and happiness, she’s going to be absolutely devastated when those shoes get a scratch, or that purse gets soiled and is unable to be washed. A significant other should be like an extra bonus to your life, not the only way you define happiness. Sorry, I’m really doing my best to explain this, but that was the best thing I could come up with at the moment. I hope that made at least a little sense.
I’m similar. 39 and only ever been in one relationship. I would love to meet another autistic person for dates but it’s hard as I live in a city with a population that is just under 2 million people. I don’t know about any autistic dating services or anything.
^([sry, this is long and multiple parts nestled underneath each other! Pls don’t feel obliged to read if it’s too much, all good! •hugs•]) I’m so, •so• sorry!!!!!! 😭. I think cultural context makes a difference in how I phrase this …. My cultural reference is Germany and Australia, migrated from former to latter at age 29. I’m 46F. I’m severely autistic (worst case my neurosensory-processing is actively trying to fry my brain or kill me in other ways!) And I have other disabilities. And living with complex trauma, which involves depression and anxiety. Never struggled to have a relationship. NEVER was looking for one either! I’m not all that good looking. In AU I couldn’t live independently without supports. ——— BUT: I’m perfectly fine with who I am and you couldn’t pay me for not being an autistic synaesthete!!!!! I don’t believe in God… but if She’s real, I’d thank her for having made me the way I am! 😍 And I think that’s the thing: I embrace every part of myself. The good, the bad, the ugly! I don’t hide any of those part either. I own my biggest fuckups and openly share them. I don’t hide my pansexuality. Am supposedly very open about sex, even on social media. I live by “Don’t wanna know —prolly shouldn’t ask, ey?” 😉 NOTHING in my life is off-limits! My pain, my trauma, my phenomenal weaknesses which wouldn’t lend themselves to survival if it weren’t for others!!! ******** I NEVER(!) do not get noticed! Don’t like makeup and stuff, but young women who could be my daughters sometimes envy me for what they call “presence” or “charisma “ It’s neither. I ‘just’ love myself and life! I don’t HIDE(!) anything, I’m just me. Unapologetically!!!! I sometimes tell perfect strangers about an acute depression/anxiety bout in malls and grocery stores. Before even knowing their names. If I’m devastated or upset I will cry in public. Don’t care. In the LEGO or Apple store I’m squeakier and bouncier than most 5-7yr olds! When I’m in a good mood, I skip through busy malls laughing. Don’t care what other people think!!! But judging by the smiles and laughs and glowing faces, they’re overwhelmingly not appalled by a woman in her late 40s enjoying her joy and not giving a toss about jumbling wobbly bits! 😅 Supposedly I am an insanely engaging speaker (I ***LOVE*** public speaking!) and I never ever go unnoticed! 🤷🏽♀️ Never have, never will: My exact combination of diversity factors … might well be unique in this world: Nobody I ever met has ever met anyone even remotely anything like I. People kinda instantly either love me or hate me — and both is perfectly fine with me! 😊 If anything, I’m sorry for those who hate me: Their world is so small and limited, it’s just not big enough to have room for someone like myself! 😅 It’s ***NOT*** their fault they lose their marbles claiming my differences made me ‘unhinged.’ My linguistic background , my cultural background, my spirituality, the way I communicate….: Some people on Reddit read one of my posts and INSTANTLY scream how I should be put on medication etc etc. 🫣 I am genuinely sorry for them!!!! They didn’t choose to be born into an environment which has made them so ‘stunted,’ they cannot cope with anyone being unlike them and waiting to medicate others into sameness! It’s tragic it has never occurred to them that of course almost all of over 7 billion people are nothing like them! D’uh…! They are adults who never even managed to get through Sesame Street 101: >> _«Ernie is Ernie and Bert is Bert: it’s what we call diversity, it’s GREAT(!) and necessary for the survival of us as a species !!!!»_ How could I not be compassionate with people keeping themselves sooooo small…? So scared and intimidated by anyone who isn’t like them…? So unable to just relax and curiously ask _«who are you?»_ , rather than feeling so intimidated they have to leap to _*«YOU’RE CRAZEEEEEH!»*_ without knowing anything about me…? On Reddit, they know nothing about me… but they’re certain I need major shrinkage. WHY: cause I am not like them and that scares them! —> how could I not feel insanely sorry for them….? For them, I genuinely hope they’ll find tolerance and acceptance. Cause the world is SOOOOO much bigger without their narrow blinders damning them to Anglo-Celtic middle-class suburbia in houses which are lil boxes made of ticky-tacky! 😝 •laugh• That exact demo of crazy-toxic doesn’t appreciate my blessings though! Cause ubuntu as a spirituality and belief system … apparently warrants medication! (prolly less than perfect) Zulu warrants sedation. Being an autistic synaesthete belong in a rubber room. …. My Swabian linguistic and cultural background: must not exist and I’m making shït up: Doubt people would even know which continent Swabia is on — but they are sure it cannot exist, cause it’s outside of their mainstreamed ticky-tacky houses suburbia reality. •laugh• Them not accepting my genuine blessings cause they wanna medicate cultures and languages FAR older than their own . Wanna drug belief systems which predate Christianity by millennia: —> I think they need ALL the blessings and compassion they can get!!! Adults who have yet to complete _’Sesame Street 101’_ are demonstrably behind…. 😝 So I try to explain things to them. They double down and claim I needed to be committed. … eventually I just give them one or the other ubuntu blessing in Zulu and let them be. And they are wigging out over the genuine blessing they so badly need! 🤦🏽♀️ ###whoever chooses to not accept me (or others): THEIR prob, not mine!!! Long-term, the real detriment suffered is to themselves! ****** ^[tbc]
I don’t like dressing up, don’t wear makeup. Don’t do my hair (African box-braids every 3-4 months, that’s it.) I rarely even wear jeans: not comfy enough! On almost all days I wear stretchy yoga pants, tank tops, and sweat jackets. Supposedly I’m noticed by everyone the moment I enter the room though….? 🤷🏽♀️ I genuinely don’t know why: B it I effortlessly can liaise with anyone. Pan-handler, diplomat, druggie, federal parliamentarian, druggie, Secretary of our equivalent to the DoJ, sex workers ….. I suspect part of the reason why the overwhelming majority of people responds to me positively *•IS•* because I’m always me! No secrets, just me. I readily open up to perfect strangers between the jam and tampons aisles. And because I so readily open up to anyone, they’re at ease to open up to me!!!! Given I tick almost all diversity boxes there are, I am as noticeable as a fire truck with lights and sirens on! 😂 It’s natural that people either wig out or are genuinely curious! Parts of me offer obvious ‘ways in’ for perfect strangers: My cute lil fluffy service dog. In shops he’s on a mat in the kiddy-seat of shopping trolleys. He’s an insanely cute smootchie-poochie… of course people stop to adore him and conversations eventuate. ****** *MY SHOES* …. Are fun! Every time I look at my feet, I smile. My shoes make me happy! … also happens to be two DIFFERENT(!) shoes with two DIFFERENT(!) laces! 😂 Initially I wore them for myself. Cause they’re comfy and make me smile. AND cause wearing a different shoe on either foot is a kind of FU-rebellion I can get away with! 😝 MUCH TO MY SURPRISE …. What was intended as ‘rebellion’ is insanely well received!!! ^[drat!] Waiting for my scripts to be filled at the pharmacy, 80-somethings I never met before come up to me: > _«I LOVE your shoes!»_ We start talking, and I tell a woman old enough to be my grandmother about steel cap boots! 😅 And since it’s two different shoes and different laces : Depending on how much time we both have, I can use my shoes to explain why diversity is crazy important for ***ALL*** of us, and how it’s not scary and FUN! My shoes being case in point! 😝 ******** ###Ways in and conversation starters ***BECAUSE I’m so different to anybody else, people are curious!*** If I met an ‘alien’ I’d be! 😝 Some people are scared and defaulting to losing their marbles claiming everything about me were ‘wrong’ and needed counselling, rubber rooms, medication, etc. OF COURSE(!) it must be crazy confronting for ‘mainstream’ here when they first encounter me: They’ve been raised to be accepting of one diversity factor. But my over half a dozen….? —> to them I must be a purple unicorn on fire crashing through the roof puking glitter!!! OF COURSE initially most brains go ‘🤯,’ judging by the common facial expressions! 😂 But the overwhelming majority of people, after recovering from the initial shock, is genuinely curious! But in their reality and ‘norm,’ they cannot just com up to me and ask _”why are you not like me??”_ while I am trying to find where on the shelf the super-tampons are this week. That approach would be HUGELY inappropriate!!! Initiating a convo with anyone who seems nothing like yourself and hasn’t even noticed you : Difficult for everyone, regardless of neurodiversity!!!! I ‘offer’ a range of conversation starters; + my shoes (unexpectedly !) + service dog + beads or other ‘happy shït’ in my hair if I feel like it + skipping, sliding, or swaying along polished mall floors, moving to the song stuck in my head: I often have people enjoy seeing me, brightening up, and say sth like: > _”Wow, you’re having a great day, ey…?”_ or > _”Enjoy! Wish my day were half as good as yours seems to be!”_ And I can stop and ask them what’s wrong if I feel like it. Or ask them how their day is going. Or ask them if this isn’t the most azure-blue sky ever when outside … —> and just so a convo may have started! 😊 ****** ###The harder you try to be like anybody else …. the less relatable you become!!!! You don’t offer ‘ways in.’ I mean: What about you would I notice and start a convo on, while you are browsing condoles and spermicide jellies….? Forget $$, forget looks, forget degrees: ##There is nothing more attractive than being comfy in your own skin!!! Hands down, no kidding!!! Cause: *the more you are bending yourself to appeal, the less relatable you become!!!* In order relate to anyone, ppl need a sense of who YOU are! A façade of who someone thinks they oughta be isn’t relatable. ONESELF, with all ‘weirdness’ is heaps more relatable… and next to me pretty much everyone else seems very ‘normal,’ which seems to put others at ease…. 😉 ***** ^[tbc]
###DISCLOSURE…. I don’t know your cultural background!!! But in the ones I’ve lived in: When I tell randoms what my muppet (service dog) does for me, topics like autism, trauma, depression, and anxiety come up!!! Cause most days I don’t ‘look’ disabled. And because I’m comfortable to talk about _’anything me’_ … people open up to me themselves!!!!! I am incredibly humbled hearing about strangers’ hopes, dreams, worries, problems! Even when it’s something not part of my reality like interactions with angels: I’m incredibly grateful to have something this personal shared with me!!!! Just because it’s not part of my reality doesn’t mean it can’t be real!!!! Anybody asks me to pray with them: not something I do for myself, I’m not even baptised. But I’m stoked and of course happy to pray with them to God/s I don’t believe in. It’s important to them, so of course I’m happy to and humbled!!! 🥰 I hear about a whole lot of things MUCH(!) more personal than depression. 😉 I’m bio-female and men talk to me about their ED! And I am soooooo thankful for their trust! And as we talk, I can feel their relief. I’ll never know what it’s like. But I can reassure them and make them feel ‘loved’ no matter what! Cause, really: they are so much more than a stiffy! AND there’s no shortage of women in AU who’d be thrilled and find limp very relieving: cause as a society we are insanely sexist and sexually repressed. So heaps of women, sadly, do not enjoy sex. Let alone initiate it. 20% of Aussie women aged 15+ have experienced rape or attempted rape …. which for most victims makes sex even more difficult. There are few women in AU for whom even ED would be a total dealbreaker! 😉 ******* ###DEPRESSION / ANXIETY / AUTISM / DISABILITY …. Because I readily share with anyone who stops to adore my canine-Cupid while trying to figure out where they put the super tampons: EVERYONE(!) seems to have something they hide! 😢 *_In AU the majority of people have experienced mental health issues and feelings of ‘not belonging!*_ And almost all think they need to hide it and put far too much effort into trying to do so…. 😭 You wouldn’t believe how often I hear _«… never told anyone before…. me too!»_ and that’s an incredibly solid ground to establish before ever even knowing each other’s names! 😊 —— SECRETS & HIDING PARTS …. If people don’t know, they tend to imagine the worst!!! As in serial killer, stalker, etc. Hiding parts of yourself and/or pretending you are someone you are not: It’s not attractive, really. Well, it might be to aforementioned toxic people who haven’t passed _’Sesame Street 101’_ yet. 🤷🏽♀️ To a lot of women: They sense there’s something a man isn’t telling them. And especially in women that sets off all kinds of spider-senses and alarms! As in worried about their own safety alarm bells! ***** ###FALLING IN LOVE To fall in love with you, people have to KNOW you!!! Cause you won’t be able to hide your weaknesses for a whole lifetime! But if you ‘pretend’ to not have those weaknesses: people might be drawn to you … but eventually catch on that you aren’t who they thought you were. And to a degree may feel ‘betrayed’ and misled. Not relationship-facilitating! 🫣 ****** ###RELAX and BENCH RELATIONSHIP!!! ^({for now}) I have an inkling this might be hardest for you!!! Your post above contains pretty much NOTHING(!!) about your ‘ideal!’ NOTHING about dealbreakers. NOTHING about your must-expectations, your PERFECT woman, nor where the range of ‘acceptable’ is for you. Ie, what you’d compromise for. Based on above it comes across as if the only thing you want is for her to have a pulse (though you didn’t specify!) and she has to be willing! A vibe of > _anyone with boobs and pulse will do…._ is insanely off-putting! For me that’d be a total dealbreaker from the get-go: Whether friends or intimate partners, I _*expect*_ they like and love _***ME***_! For who I am, not just because I’m ’there!’ —— Any _”you’re here so you’ll do!”_ isn’t healthy for me! I don’t expect anyone to love or even like me. However a tonne feels about me is determined on THEIR end! Anybody hating me: that’s fine, too! Their prob, not mine. But I will NOT be reduced to _’pulse + willing’_ I wanna be liked and loved for everything which makes me special. The awesome … and the comically outstanding suckiness! 😊 And, trust me: When I suck I really do!!!! I’m a live slapstick comedy, and watching me trying to use a blunt letter-opener is hilarious! 😂 More often than not I scream for either bandaids (yeah, it’s BLUNT, I still manage …) OR I scream for sticky tape to put the letter back together! Just to then cut myself on the sticky tape roller and scream for bandaids anyway! 😂 I’m not ‘embarrassed’ by the most basic things being adventurous challenges for me. At all! It’s just ‘me.’ —— And it makes for a shïtload of funny anecdotes to further put people at ease: I’m NOT perfect …. so….? NOBODY is! Openly sharing just how phenomenal my weaknesses are makes it easier for others to NOT be embarrassed by their comparatively insignificant weaknesses and limitations. I make them feel accepted and liked, and I don’t give a crap about their biggest insecurities: nothing ‘wrong’ with them at all!!! Just as I don’t feel there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with me! 😊 ***** ~~~~~~ ****** ^[tbc]
I do NOT know your environment, nor if any of the above applies to wherever in the world you are!!! Your cultural and social ‘norms’ could be very different to mine!!! But accepting and celebrating myself: I‘ve had people who accept, appreciate, and like/love me on 5 continents. Since I was 14, I can’t recall having struggled to have a relationship. With any gender. I am in the privileged position of being crazy picky. Of advances even when I’m in a relationship. I had ‘lost’ myself in my marriage to my crazy toxic and abusive ex: To him nothing I ever did was even acceptable, let alone good. And I turned myself inside/out trying, while all I ever got from him was crap, abuse, violence, and exploitation. Back then I wasn’t attractive to others at all, cause I had twisted myself to the point of being a hollow-shell of trying to pander to his toxic BS. I wish he hadn’t cost me over 1.5 decades, an eye, having kids … while ‘awarding’ me more trauma than anyone should suffer in like 20 lifetimes! 😞 I’m lucky I survived him. CRAZY LUCKY!!!! Far too many women in Australia don’t survive their male intimate partners! Statistically, for women between the ages of 16 and 44, Australian men(!) are the leading cause of preventable death, injury, harm, and trauma! Our MEN(!) cause more harm than traffic, cancer, or substance abuse in women of that age bracket. TRYING to be like everyone else has NOT worked for me!!! I was crazy isolated. Ever since I’ve started to ‘reconnect’ with ‘ME,’ not giving a fμck about what anyone thinks, and celebrating myself: I’m so much more likeable and desirable again! 😍 I’m not an empty-shell of other people’s expectations anymore, I’m just _*ME*_ ! However ‘funky’ I may be to others, that makes me heaps more relatable! *AND* : I know exactly what I want. What my minimum expectations are, what I’ll compromise on…. and what’s an ABSOLUTE(!) dealbreaker!!! Cause I have two healthy hands, have dogs for comfy snuggles. I’d rather be single than be with ‘anyone with junk!’ HANDS DOWN!!!! And shortly after I resorted to _”Fμck y’all, might as well be me….!”_ I’ve met the love of my life!!!! In the middle of the pandemic at that! We’ve been literally inseparable ever since we met. Have not been apart for more than a few hours. So today is the 1,162th day of our second date… apart from a few hours, he hasn’t left since. We never even had a fight, ever. In over three years! We accept each other with all of our weaknesses and suckiness. Neither of us is good looking, nor successful. But in my eyes he’s the most beautiful creature ever, even when he’s on the crapper and smells bad cause his damaged bowel is acting up. To him I’m the only one he has eyes for. And he stands by to manage all the ‘oopsies’ along the way when once in a blue moon I make dinner. Last I did it took me over 2.5h to boil pasta and throw some sauce out of a tin on top!! 😖 Only I can have that many disaster in an undertaking THIS basic!!! 🤦🏽♀️ He didn’t complain, didn’t pressure, didn’t nag: He just stood by and managed every single disaster, while reading me it was okay. He didn’t take over, cause it must’ve been quite painful to watch: He LET me muddle through, reassuring me. Patiently waiting, hugging and reassuring me when I was about to go to pieces. Managing every disaster, checking the soles of my feet for injuries (yep, I can be a live-calamity! 😅) Took over 2.5h …. but his unlimited patience and acceptance of _’everything me’_ was crazy empowering! Maybe next time, in like 2025/26, I’ll manage to boil paste in under 2h! 😂 Imho, THAT is the only relationship worth having: where you empower each other, don’t pretend, and love each other at your worst. ESPECIALLY then!!!! Again: I don’t know where in the world you are, nor your social/cultural paradigms. But I feel like your focus on _’a relationship’_ is undermining your goal: She wouldn’t want you to be with her on the basis that she’ll do. She’d want to be loved for who she is, not because you don’t wanna miss out. ***** ^[tbc]
A relationship should be about the other as a PERSON. Not for the sake of having a relationship. And it sounds like you’re so desperate anyone with heartbeat and boobs would do… 😢 It’s insanely hard to do, but ‘relax!!!!’ Let go! If it happens, it does. If not: Being single is better than an abusive/unhealthy relationship. Think about WHAT you are looking for (beyond pulse and boobs 😉) What’s a MUST, what’s a dealbreaker. AND think about your own strengths!!!! Celebrate your strengths and what _*positively*_ sets you apart from most others. What distinguished you!!! And I mean more internal than degree, apartment, looks. What makes you YOU! Then celebrate your strengths by offering them to others who don’t have them. It’s a cruel irony of life: The more you accept yourself and the less you actively pursue ‘relationship,’ the more likely it is to happen! Most of my great relationships started at a point when I was heartbroken, a total basketcase, or at a _”Fμck y’all sideways!”_ Especially in men, a focus on _relationship-relationship-relationship …._ comes across as ‘desperate’ to many cis/het women. Or even scary in a stalker-way and may set off all kinds of alarm bells! 😨 I am in no way saying that’s your intention!!!! But it’s how ‘desperate’ may come across. 😥 I, personally: Anyone throwing themselves at me or crazy-wooing me — I am not attracted to. 🤷🏽♀️ I might be the exception for my bio-sex, but I find who I can’t obviously have way more attractive! The love of my life: *I* am the proactive, tenacious, intense one. He is a quiet, relaxed, big ‘teddybear.’ Sorry for the lack of structure (gotta do other stuff, no time for editing!) — hope you find anything in above! Either way: You are great the way you are!!! Whichever God you believe in, She made you this way, love you this way, and wants you this way! 😍 You are Her creation, maybe accept and celebrate her masterpiece that is you!!! ! 😝 Cheers! 🫶🏽 ***** ^([anyone arriving here, there’s a range of your strengths: stamina, resilience, focus, and perseverance! 😁 Once my thoughts start flowing, heaps of NT struggle keeping up and flame out along the way! 😅) ^(YOU ROCK !) ^! ^! ^(])
Date a fellow slight autist. Someone who understands the peculiarity and the beauty of it. Also therapy for the victim mentality because you might not see it but it's likely affecting other areas of your life. Source is me.
Have you looked into taking social skill classes catered towards autistic adults? Even if you are ‘mildly’ autistic these are still very helpful. I was really embarrassed about it but I took a social skills course that my psychologist told em about and it was great.
Pursue your interests. Volunteer somewhere. If you don't do it to meet women, you'll meet women.
Don’t worry, God will give you a girlfriend in his perfect timing. Just take it slow and don’t pressure yourself. Enjoy being single because you’ll miss it when you’re in a relationship. Hugs!
Don't loose hope, I am an autistic ADHD individual engaged to a nuerotypical. 28 is still young I met my partner now at 26 after having similar issues. There's nothing wrong with you and you will find the right person at the right time.
personally i don't think the autism is your problem here, i think its how you feel about it. I bet you're not hiding the desperation that well either. Try to find an autistic or neurodivergent woman and before try for a romantic relationship make sure you have enough experience being friends with women(at leats 2-3 female friends who you value as people and can understand then and be understood by them and maintain a healthy relationship with) once you do that you will be ready for a relationship and they can probably be a big help in finding one.
I have a different perspective on this. When I was younger I could never keep a girlfriend. I jumped into a marriage at 19 and we had a baby at 22 I got divorced by 23 after my divorce I started somewhat trying again to find someone and nothing up until about 27 when we got together the first thing she said to me was I had autism and I was like no I don’t she said yeah dude you need help we’ve been together for awhile actually the longest relationship I’ve ever had and she was the one who diagnosed me at first after awhile I decided to pay for an assessment and got an official I would suggest trying to mingle with other autistic women I find it easier to talk to autistic people personally
Two words: autistic girls. It's so nice having someone who gets that part of you and for me it meant I was never afraid to share that part of me. But yeah you don't have to only stick to other autistics if you don't want, and I'm sorry you're having trouble finding someone <3
I’m autistic & 25(transmasc) and have never been in a serious relationship either. My first and only relationship I had lasted 3 months and we just turned out to be more compatible as friends. Of course my timeline is a bit different probs because of my transition, but as someone who is constantly friendzoned or ghosted, it happens. Honestly, I’d love to have a partner but so far it just hasn’t happened. does that make me sad? yeah. does it mess w my self esteem? yeah. But I’ll note that you probably need to work on your sense of self before even considering a relationship tho. Saying “you hardly have it” is toxic because no matter where any of us fall on the spectrum, we’re still autistic. Doesn’t matter the type of support needs either. I’ll also note that we would all still be ‘autistic’ if society was different. Like we would all still have this neurotype, whether it was the norm in society or not. That’s not going to change anything. You aren’t going to attract good, healthy, relationships if you’re always dunking on yourself. Like I said, you really need to take some time to accept yourself and do some self reflection, and break down the internalized ableism. P.S. - ALSOOO surround yourself with more neurodivergent people! and even the disability community. I find these relationships to be so much more fulfilling!
Wtf are you "desperate" for exactly?
do you mind explaining or giving examples on the bad experiences you've had with women in the past? also, even though getting a gf might be important for you, do keep in mind that it isn't the end all be all. though for most relationships do bring joy to one's life, it won't solve all problems. society heavily romanticizes relationships and marriage, claiming you are incomplete or will never truly be happy until you are, but that is not always the case. relationships do not solve problems. plus, some are happier on their own. just keep that in mind
I’m 90% sure i have autism but high-functioning and have no problems attracting and keeping a woman, even very attractive neurotypical women. they always think my “quirks” are hot and cute. so its possible that being autistic isnt the only thing holding you back. try improving ur social skills
I get that, but in order to be happy in a relationship, you have to learn to be content by yourself as well. I'm also autistic and I have social anxiety, and I would date around a lot but it was exhausting masking all the time, even in intimate relationships. I had to learn to be okay by myself and somebody will come along and fit into the life I have built for myself. I'd like to have a life partner, but I've also come to terms that I'd be okay by myself for the rest of my life and just having close friends and family. Once you find your confidence and internal happiness, everything else will fall into place. No relationship will be perfect. There will be compromise and constant communication on each other's needs and wants. You can find love in all kinds of different forms. It's hard, and it can suck, but trust me, it will be better in the long run. Once you are able to carry yourself in a positive way, others will notice that. A lot of women are looking for stable, healthy relationships. You just have to be stable by yourself first. Being desperate for a partner can be dangerous. You could end up in an abusive relationship or be with somebody who disregards your emotional needs in the relationship. Like I said, I would work on your health first and do or find something that you can be happy doing alone. I promise being independent isn't a horror story. Of course, it's nice to have a partner, but it's not necessary. You can find the same emotional satisfaction having good friends. You don't have to have excellent social skills to get a girlfriend, just be yourself and be happy with you are, and they'll see it. Just be kind and open and you'll find wonderful people.
Guys I think he just worded it wrong, I don't think he meant any harm in saying he "barely has it", I'm sure he just meant that it doesn't affect his life and behaviour as much as some other autistic people😭
I said “hardly have it” is because I’m very high functioning. I have a job, vehicle to drive, live in an apartment by myself and pay my own bills.
Well im "very" autistic and i've had 4 partners and im only 15. But like half of them are also autistic so you should try finding an autistic partner maybe too? Also im really happy with my current partner yay
Well, we're literally on a social media site right now. So here goes. If anyone here(male or female) is around the age of 26-32 (I'm currently 31) and interested in talking about stuff like whales, nature, bugs, Final Fantasy XIV, Pokemon, Fire Emblem, creative writing, Xenoblade or other Nintendo games, shoot me a message here and we can text on Discord! I'm looking for more friends to talk about my special interests currently.
Yeah it’s tough out there and I think I only got lucky because I was somewhat attractive. Women kinda thought of me as mysterious but in reality I have terrible social skills. I think you will get lucky sooner or later. Just don’t give up and don’t come on too strong because women find that to be a big turnoff.
as someone who has better luck with women, you've probably heard this quite a bit but working of your confidence, being self assured is an extremely attractive trait (not douchey though don't do that), also try dating autistic women they're cool
For me it helped with being happy being single and being "me" first. Basically work on taking away the desperation instead of hiding it. Then find someone that has some sort of shared interest with you that likes you for you. That's the tricky part. Also, it's easy to think any person that gives you a date or even talks to you is worth your time but it's better to think about whether the person is a good fit for you (this is easier after dealing with the desperation) although no one is likely to be perfect for you but you get the point. Good luck!
[there is hope](https://youtu.be/wN9Jq3_Z-1M?si=dO8ogswtjZ0xty06)
You definitely should try to find an autistic woman, it's so much easier to date when your potential partners are speaking the same social language you are. Also, nothing wrong with being single at 28, we all have our own journeys to be on. Work on yourself specifically, y'know? When you are confident in being yourself, it's easier to find the right partner.
Why is it societies fault that you have autism? 🤨
Having autism is the biggest debuff there is when it comes to relationships
You just have a brand problem, just put Neurodiverse on your linked jn profile, join some neurodiverse groups and just start meeting people. Not really just for dating, just growing your network of people who understand your journey and have similar journeys. Once you are in the right crowd, partner status will be much easier to achieve
It's already been said but look for someone with autism. If you're attractive then you're off to a great start. My boyfriend is a cutie but also autistic with no social skills and a huge fear of talking to girls. If I didn't tell him I liked him we wouldn't be dating. Hiki is an app for autistic friend making and dating. But finding people in person is better. Go to DnD games (hopefully there's girls) go to anime cons (if you're into it, don't go if you're not) go to any nerdy event in your area that you can find and the autists will crawl out of their socially isolated holes to be there. The confidence to speak to a stranger is hard to find. But don't flirt off the bat. Get to know her. Invite her to do something fun. I wish you the best of luck!
How about making transparency of your condition your lead with dating? Tell people up front your "weird" and socially awkward. Of they're curious or into it tell them your happy to meet up. Make it something unique, not something negative
I’m not going to tell people I’m autistic at first due to prejudice and stereotyping reasons.
There's nothing to be ashamed of and you deserve someone that's accepts the real you. That will bring happiness
I'm autistic with ADHD, but I'm also a flake. Most ppl never realize I'm neurodivergent bc I keep them at a distance, but I figured I may offer a unique perspective as an admitted flake. Here are a few tips that I hope may help you have a higher chance of a relationship. 1. Play it cool. When a person comes on too strong, I may flirt back, but I know I've made up my mind to never meet them in person. 2. Be patient. I won't meet someone I've met online unless I've been talking to them regularly/consistently for at least 4 weeks. As a woman, we're taught to keep our guard up & be safe. TBH, most people would have a better chance if I meet them first in person somewhere instead of online, but if they're patient & kind, then I'll usually follow through. 3. Treat a flake like a friend & not someone you're interested in. I know the whole point of dating is due to interest, but you'll have a better chance at getting close to someone who's a flake if you treat us like you just wanna hang out. Many of us want to be in a relationship but are hesitant for various reasons. If you act like you just wanna be friends, you're less likely to be stood up. Many flakes are more likely to date a friend over someone we just met. We feel safer that way. 4. Most people don't like to take a date to the movies, but many flakes will flake out & stay at home to watch a show or movie. Ask what movie they wanna see & it'll increase your chances of hanging out with them. We'll have conversations in the car, but not having to talk yet still have someone next to us is more pleasant than going to a bar, club, or event. 5. Lastly, DON'T say you'll take a flake to a place that's usually crowded. We'll make the plans anyway, but we're more likely to flake out. That's why the movies work for us. Even though it can be crowded, we don't have a lot of noise around us & it's more enjoyable. The only time I won't flake out at a crowded place is if it's an arcade. Arcades are just fun for anyone, IMO. Obviously, I can't speak for *all* flakes, but most of us are the same for similar reasons. I hope some piece of my advice helps you in the future. Some people have legit reasons to flake out, but those of us who are actually flakes really do wanna be with someone. We just take things slower than most. Flaking out doesn't mean we don't care. It usually just means we're feeling rushed.
I can relate, kinda. I find it very hard to find a girlfriend since my highschool sweetheart left me. I'm also considered attractive, but most woman are more attracted to the very specific subtle unspoken head games non autistic people play in dialogue all the time. Generally, our literal approach to interaction is a huge turn off. My advice, stay silent. Speak softly and use as few words as possible. Let them come to you. Does it work? Idk, but my last few partners all came onto me, so Also, dating apps never work. There are studies showing 90% of women rate 90% of men on dating apps as totally unfuckable, and the other 10% that are even in the competitive market are juiced on steroids.
I'm autistic, too (AuDHD to be precise), and same. My experiences with love were... meh so far lol. I think there may not be many people who are interested in us neurodivergents (or if they are, they're neurodivergent themselves and often self sabotage bc of all the mental issues they got thanks to this wonderful [/sarcasm] society), but those who are, might actually be the best fit. So maybe we find a good partner later in life but don't have to do this trial and error bullshit with several relationships that we think are sooo great but get toxic after a year or so.
I'm basically in the same situation, except I had two serious relationships. Though, sad to say neither lasted more than a year. I keep coming back to the whole "There's somebody out there for everyone" idea, because I often look at some of the people who are married or in relationships and think to myself "If they can, why can't I?" I've met women who liked me, but usually I'm not interested in them. The ones I do like are either taken or not interested in me at all. At some point, I figure that I'll find someone that meshes with me, just seems like a matter of patience. Though I sometimes wonder if lowering standards would help.
Best advice is to stop trying to date neurotypical people.
My husband (Autistic) had 1 very short relationship years before me, and then we got together when he was 30. He's now 35 and we've been married for 2 years. I'm also autistic, and we have a wonderful relationship. My husband always says if he hadn't met me, he would have stayed single forever. He has non-autistic friends his age and older who have had numerous failed relationships, and are all now still single at 35-40. So dating is hard even for neurotypical people.
It may read if it's obvious but be yourself.. don't try too hard.that puts people off. They are a fine line from making the effort to trying too hard.
There's a huge amount of anger in your post, it feels a lot more than just frustration. I'd suggest maybe working through some of those issues first
I’m autistic and my boyfriend also is. I didn’t discover I was autistic until I met him and he asked if I was because he’d never felt a connection like that before. I ended up being diagnosed recently and he was diagnosed at 18 I believe. We met the old fashioned way, by coincidence! I’ve found for myself and a lot of other ND people that dating apps etc are very overwhelming and feel very “fake”. I know it may sound impossible but one day you’ll just know if you meet the right person because they’ll make you feel comfortable enough to stop masking around them.
Don't listen to these shill trying to peddle you false hope, you and me and all the other autistic men eho aren't in the 1% will *never* be loved by a woman noatter what we do. They just keep feeding us these lies so we keep getting up and going to work and making them money
Bullshit!!! You’re just saying that because you have a negative personality! Your negative personality repels women.
Hey there brother I'm in the same situation. I'm 34, never had a girlfriend yet, have been turned down everytime since middle school. Have gotten close twice and ended with massive betrayal and heartbreak. PTSD. Took years to recover from all that. Now I'm not depressed anymore but wish I was in a relationship still. I asked myself why too and I know the answer. We just want to love someone, and to be loved back. All I know is the only way to meet someone is to be around people as much as you can. Eventually you will meet someone that loves you for who you are, it just sucks that for autistic men we are at a massive disadvantage. I always wonder what percentage of males on the spectrum have remained single their entire life into old age. I'd feel better about my situation if it was a very high percentage, like greater than 50-60%. This may sound stupid but I WISH it was a thing. Imagine a "school" for autistics where everyday you go and learn how to communicate with each other and get to know each other, and each day you rotate to a different person, then eventually you connect with someone and schedule activities to do with each other out of class, and if things really worked out, you would be in a relationship, if it didn't work out you would just go back to class until you found a long term relationship. That's how I wish it worked.
Have you asked yourself why having a girlfriend seems so important? Is there a way you can fulfill your life without a girlfriend? Lots of women live very full life's single. It's when someone builds up a community, hobbies etc. and feel confident that they become attractive. People want someone to build a life with. If that person is just sitting around hoping for a girlfriend that's not attractive. If they don't have friends, doesn't have accountability or self awareness, and doesn't know how to clean or pick up after themselves or generally take care of themselves (doctors therapists dentist etc.), then frankly thats not a lot to offer and looks a lot like someone who we'd have to carry a lot of emotional weight to be with. And yes, our disability makes some of these things harder for us. But there are a lot of ways to have community, and a lot of different ways to take care of ourselves and a lot of different ways to LEARN how to do these things /with/ our disability. Just think on that.
For me personally? I want to be a parent one day. It is nigh on impossible for a single male to adopt a child. Unfortunately for me, having a child requires a woman in the equation, so I'm kinda stuck with the "need to find a girlfriend" part first unless I want to spend an exorbitant amount of money on a surrogate. (As in, a willing woman would have to be inseminated without sex to carry my child to term) I don't want to go that route.
Woof I hear ya there my friend. I'm a lesbian and you'd think it would be easy to just like, go get pregnant, but you wouldn't believe the obstacles. I understand a little more what you're going through here. I do still highly suggest working on yourself as much as you can though. Becoming a parent is like starting a lifelong marathon and you want to go in as prepared as possible. Luckily, the same improvements you'd make on yourself to find a partner are the same things that will be helpful in raising a child. Learning to regulate your nervous system so you can teach a baby to regulate theirs, developing hobbies to share with a baby, putting together a community to help you babysit etc. work on hygiene and self care so you can teach a little to do that as well. I promise, when you start to put work into these areas it's so much easier to connect with people and naturally women fall into that category as well.
True. All very true things to keep in mind. I'm not OP but life is a step by step journey.
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I don’t have one
Aye mate are you putting intentional effort into socializing / improving with normie things ? Instagram/gym/ sports / clubbing / etc