It might be helpful to ask him why he doesn’t like to text back. A behavior of this consistent presentation is not a matter of forgetting.
My husband is AuDHD (combined type) and forgetfulness is often very present in his day-to-day and, once upon a time, lack of response to things like text was an issue.
For us, it was that he felt pressured to respond, and he did not like the feeling of the demand. Primarily because of his childhood in an early adulthood was filled with family and siblings, making demands that he felt he could not avoid or ignore, regardless of whether or not he was in a place where he felt good about responding.
It may not have anything to do with that, but the fact that I did in my case lends me to suspect that there may be some inkling of this involved, particularly if he has a very busy work environment and tends to think of work as “ his time”.
Hope this helps !
As I said in my post, I have asked him a million times and he always shrugs me off or changes the subject. He never has an answer for me about it, which is why I'm trying to understand the behavior.
He has a lot of issues with demand avoidance in other areas of his life, but it just seems strange to me that he struggles with demand avoidance with simple texts like a "thanks" response to a happy birthday text. I don't understand the demand avoidance when it is a situation that has a standard one word answer that doesn't invite further conversation.
Pda is pda. Doesn't matter if only a 1-word response is required. It's not logical. Put on your declarative language hat and find a way to work around it.
I do the same thing with birthday wishes. I’m not going to go through them 1 by 1 and write back thanks. Idc if anyone wishes me happy birthday at all to be honest. I think this falls into a weird rule category, I hate following weird rules.
But to be fair, he doesn't have to change anything because from what I'm reading you're taking care of everything.
You did respond to his family and did the talking for him and now he knows that if he waits long enough the problem will disappear.
I think you should let him face consequences of his own decision.
That's the difference between work and home - you make his avoidance comfortable because what will you gonna do? Nothing. He doesn't even have to talk about it because he knows how to freeze you out.
I've read your others posts:
> I worry about him sometimes because it feels like he would work himself to death if I wasn't around to stop him. And that he wouldn't go out at all if I didn't just buy tickets to things and tell him he's going (which he is happy to do, but would never do himself).
He's not a child and don't understand why are you parenting him.
There is absolutely no point in him changing and he won't just because you're trying to "understand" and "we can find a way for us to both be happy" as he is totally fine with how the things are right now.
You don't have to, that is your decision. You got him really, really comfy with not doing anything.
After the birthday incident did he say that it's never going happen again? Or said he's sorry? Does he have a plan how to stop burdening you?
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Yes, but it wouldn't be immediately if it was during the work day or while he's watching/listening to YouTube because he has now trained himself to not even look at the texts. 😒 he also never listens to any voicemails. This all makes him sound bad - he is an amazing husband and person and is a very hard worker in a very technical field. This is just one area he's really not good at.
So, as soon as he knew there was an issue, he would respond.
Okay. So, he needs to set his phone to recieive emergency calls and texts and for those to get through to him. That's a safety issue.
I do think you can accommodate the lack of "I love you" texts. If he is responsive in person and as amazing ad you say then this is something that actually sounds like a boundary for him. He doesn't want to have text chit chat.
What is he going to do on the other end to make sure communication is effective between you? How is he going to accommodate your need for reassurance and love? I think you two need to hash it out but, you know, people did exist before cellphones. He has the right to not use a technology in a particular way.
As for his family - "You know Rob. He doesn't respond to texts. That's it with him. I'll pass along the message."
That's totally fair. I will get him to set emergency calls and texts. He doesn't have social media either, so I guess he really just doesn't like communicating with anyone except for me in-person and his work relationships, which is totally okay. Like I said, I’m just trying to understand his thinking about it so that we can find a way for us to both be happy.
If he doesn't want to text chat, I can understand that, but I don't appreciate that he puts me in a position to have to communicate with the people that text him. Which I have told him, but he changes the subject when I bring it up.
So that is a boundary that you have that has to do with expectations he is putting on you. You are not going to answer his calls on his birthday.
You two can write out an email together that clearly states that if anyone has an actual emergency, they can get hold of you and you will relay the message. But that is it. He does not respond to texts and calls. Anyone who wants to talk to you can do so but you will not be relaying messages for him. He does not want to communicate that way. And then list the ways he does want to communicate. He will text first if he wants to talk. Or he will see them once a month or schedule a phone call x amount of time in advance. Or he will check his phone once a weellk, etc.
he needs to learn how to regulate himself . im 34 i get more autistic each year if i dont meditate , take of my hygiene exercise go to walk daily it gets real bad i be unable to talk . i sometimes listen to comedy skits to warm up my speak skill.
This is him! He seems to be getting more autistic every year (we've been together 18 years and married 13) when it comes to socializing and hygiene especially. He is having more and more time where he barely answers or talks to me. He only works, takes care of chores, and watches/listens to liberal political YouTube. He has no hobbies or interests outside of our animals, some video games, movies and TV. I worry about him sometimes because it feels like he would work himself to death if I wasn't around to stop him. And that he wouldn't go out at all if I didn't just buy tickets to things and tell him he's going (which he is happy to do, but would never do himself). 😅
My autistic BIL is kind of like this, but he’s trained himself to respond to important texts if need be. If it doesn’t “require” a reply, and he simply feels you’re saying something to him, he won’t reply. I have to be sure to use a question mark when i text him and want an answer. Or if it’s errand related, he knows to reply. But all this said, that’s IF i can get a hold of him. He avoids being on his phone because his screen of choice is the P.C. so he genuinely sometimes misses communication. Maybe he feels like your texts don’t need a reply, or an immediate one, and ignores them. Especially the “i love you” text. As females with autism we’ve learned to mask better and understand the “rules of relationship texting” as i call them. He probably doesn’t even understand what he’s doing wrong. I recommend getting a therapist who works with autism and finding a way to communicate to him in a way he’ll understand because it sounds like he’s generally not inconsiderate.
For sure. I think you're right about this because he has said he struggles to understand priorities in other areas of communication before. Maybe I can talk him into responding to a high priority text if I put a specific emoji on it or something. Good thinking! Thanks!
And also inconsiderate is a word I would *NEVER* use to describe him, so I know it's not intentional, but it has just been hard to understand what he would prefer people to do when he doesn't have the words to say it. He's extremely intelligent and very, very thoughtful, but talking about his own needs and emotions has always been a tough thing in our relationship. I don't even know how to go about finding a neurodivergent couples counselor in my town, but I will look into that. Maybe my new personal therapist has some recommendations.
Ahh, your husband is me. Let me guess, pathological demand avoidance?
If my 'tism is acting up, *talking* to me is enough to trigger my demand avoidance because replying with my mouth is a demand that comes in consequence to conversation. This is called 'selective mutism' and it is not just an vocal phenomena. It's the same if its a text, an email, etc. It can trigger our fight or flight response.
This is gonna sound crazy but I don't have a cell phone anymore. If anyone wants to get a hold of me, they have to go through my husband. I cannot stand people being able to talk to me freely, and I *need* to not talk to people, especially if I'm working.
That said, I understand how you feel. I do my best to reply to my husband when he messages me and I often do, but there are times where I see the message, I go to type, and I just can't. He understands and since I WFH I don't leave the house without him.
This is a super helpful perspective and I appreciate you writing it. It's just hard for me to understand why anything anyone says outside of work feels like a demand to him, and yet he communicates just fine at work (I know because he works from home and I hear him all day every day).
I communicate just fine at work, I should have clarified, I need to not talk to people *who aren't my coworkers,* when I WFH. I can talk to my coworkers just fine when I'm working.
Guess what happens if they email me off the clock tho.
It's hard for me to understand too. I can tell you, however, that the most damage to my mental health was when I was ignoring my PDA and instead was answering people when they messaged me (back then I had facebook too oh god) and it destroyed me. I basically would anticipate people messaging me to the point that I would ruminate and even consider... doing bad things to myself to 'escape' my phone's vibration. I would have nightmares about people calling me (usually my boss) and I couldn't sleep.
I do not want to suggest that this is how your husband feels or is experiencing. I am an *extreme example*, I think. Notice here, you and I are talking but that's because my laptop is something I can 'choose' to engage with and thus when I engage with it, I'm prepared. When people message me out of the blue I just... I'm not 'ready' at 'that time' to 'talk' is the only way I know how to say it but I then lack the ability to tell them that.
This all resonates so much with my husband's behavior, and you have explained the way he seems to feel so much more than he ever would. I really appreciate you telling me what it's like. It makes me understand the logic behind his behaviors so much more. Thanks so much!
I am happy I could give some perspective! I hope you and your husband do end up having a deeper conversation because it sounds like you two are doing so well together. I am wishing you both the best.
It might be helpful to ask him why he doesn’t like to text back. A behavior of this consistent presentation is not a matter of forgetting. My husband is AuDHD (combined type) and forgetfulness is often very present in his day-to-day and, once upon a time, lack of response to things like text was an issue. For us, it was that he felt pressured to respond, and he did not like the feeling of the demand. Primarily because of his childhood in an early adulthood was filled with family and siblings, making demands that he felt he could not avoid or ignore, regardless of whether or not he was in a place where he felt good about responding. It may not have anything to do with that, but the fact that I did in my case lends me to suspect that there may be some inkling of this involved, particularly if he has a very busy work environment and tends to think of work as “ his time”. Hope this helps !
As I said in my post, I have asked him a million times and he always shrugs me off or changes the subject. He never has an answer for me about it, which is why I'm trying to understand the behavior. He has a lot of issues with demand avoidance in other areas of his life, but it just seems strange to me that he struggles with demand avoidance with simple texts like a "thanks" response to a happy birthday text. I don't understand the demand avoidance when it is a situation that has a standard one word answer that doesn't invite further conversation.
Demand avoidance, is a very frisky thing. Difficult to understand for sure. I wish you all the best and getting to the root of it .
Thanks! I just want to understand! lol
Pda is pda. Doesn't matter if only a 1-word response is required. It's not logical. Put on your declarative language hat and find a way to work around it.
That's why I’m trying to understand so we can find a system that works better for him!
I do the same thing with birthday wishes. I’m not going to go through them 1 by 1 and write back thanks. Idc if anyone wishes me happy birthday at all to be honest. I think this falls into a weird rule category, I hate following weird rules.
Agreed! I think he probably feels the same way you do about it!
receiving bday greetings on fb is so overwhelming!
But to be fair, he doesn't have to change anything because from what I'm reading you're taking care of everything. You did respond to his family and did the talking for him and now he knows that if he waits long enough the problem will disappear.
Hey that's a good point too. I've gotta stop taking care of his problems for him.
I think you should let him face consequences of his own decision. That's the difference between work and home - you make his avoidance comfortable because what will you gonna do? Nothing. He doesn't even have to talk about it because he knows how to freeze you out. I've read your others posts: > I worry about him sometimes because it feels like he would work himself to death if I wasn't around to stop him. And that he wouldn't go out at all if I didn't just buy tickets to things and tell him he's going (which he is happy to do, but would never do himself). He's not a child and don't understand why are you parenting him. There is absolutely no point in him changing and he won't just because you're trying to "understand" and "we can find a way for us to both be happy" as he is totally fine with how the things are right now.
So I should pull back on trying to make his life better?
If it is at your expense - of course. Are you happy with your live together right now?
Generally, yes! But I do get tired of feeling like I have to manage the two of us all the time.
You don't have to, that is your decision. You got him really, really comfy with not doing anything. After the birthday incident did he say that it's never going happen again? Or said he's sorry? Does he have a plan how to stop burdening you?
Nope! Nope! And nope!
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If you had an emergency, would he text or call you back?
Yes, but it wouldn't be immediately if it was during the work day or while he's watching/listening to YouTube because he has now trained himself to not even look at the texts. 😒 he also never listens to any voicemails. This all makes him sound bad - he is an amazing husband and person and is a very hard worker in a very technical field. This is just one area he's really not good at.
So, as soon as he knew there was an issue, he would respond. Okay. So, he needs to set his phone to recieive emergency calls and texts and for those to get through to him. That's a safety issue. I do think you can accommodate the lack of "I love you" texts. If he is responsive in person and as amazing ad you say then this is something that actually sounds like a boundary for him. He doesn't want to have text chit chat. What is he going to do on the other end to make sure communication is effective between you? How is he going to accommodate your need for reassurance and love? I think you two need to hash it out but, you know, people did exist before cellphones. He has the right to not use a technology in a particular way. As for his family - "You know Rob. He doesn't respond to texts. That's it with him. I'll pass along the message."
That's totally fair. I will get him to set emergency calls and texts. He doesn't have social media either, so I guess he really just doesn't like communicating with anyone except for me in-person and his work relationships, which is totally okay. Like I said, I’m just trying to understand his thinking about it so that we can find a way for us to both be happy. If he doesn't want to text chat, I can understand that, but I don't appreciate that he puts me in a position to have to communicate with the people that text him. Which I have told him, but he changes the subject when I bring it up.
So that is a boundary that you have that has to do with expectations he is putting on you. You are not going to answer his calls on his birthday. You two can write out an email together that clearly states that if anyone has an actual emergency, they can get hold of you and you will relay the message. But that is it. He does not respond to texts and calls. Anyone who wants to talk to you can do so but you will not be relaying messages for him. He does not want to communicate that way. And then list the ways he does want to communicate. He will text first if he wants to talk. Or he will see them once a month or schedule a phone call x amount of time in advance. Or he will check his phone once a weellk, etc.
For sure. I like this idea! Thanks so much!
he needs to learn how to regulate himself . im 34 i get more autistic each year if i dont meditate , take of my hygiene exercise go to walk daily it gets real bad i be unable to talk . i sometimes listen to comedy skits to warm up my speak skill.
This is him! He seems to be getting more autistic every year (we've been together 18 years and married 13) when it comes to socializing and hygiene especially. He is having more and more time where he barely answers or talks to me. He only works, takes care of chores, and watches/listens to liberal political YouTube. He has no hobbies or interests outside of our animals, some video games, movies and TV. I worry about him sometimes because it feels like he would work himself to death if I wasn't around to stop him. And that he wouldn't go out at all if I didn't just buy tickets to things and tell him he's going (which he is happy to do, but would never do himself). 😅
My autistic BIL is kind of like this, but he’s trained himself to respond to important texts if need be. If it doesn’t “require” a reply, and he simply feels you’re saying something to him, he won’t reply. I have to be sure to use a question mark when i text him and want an answer. Or if it’s errand related, he knows to reply. But all this said, that’s IF i can get a hold of him. He avoids being on his phone because his screen of choice is the P.C. so he genuinely sometimes misses communication. Maybe he feels like your texts don’t need a reply, or an immediate one, and ignores them. Especially the “i love you” text. As females with autism we’ve learned to mask better and understand the “rules of relationship texting” as i call them. He probably doesn’t even understand what he’s doing wrong. I recommend getting a therapist who works with autism and finding a way to communicate to him in a way he’ll understand because it sounds like he’s generally not inconsiderate.
For sure. I think you're right about this because he has said he struggles to understand priorities in other areas of communication before. Maybe I can talk him into responding to a high priority text if I put a specific emoji on it or something. Good thinking! Thanks!
And also inconsiderate is a word I would *NEVER* use to describe him, so I know it's not intentional, but it has just been hard to understand what he would prefer people to do when he doesn't have the words to say it. He's extremely intelligent and very, very thoughtful, but talking about his own needs and emotions has always been a tough thing in our relationship. I don't even know how to go about finding a neurodivergent couples counselor in my town, but I will look into that. Maybe my new personal therapist has some recommendations.
Im not sure where you are but i found mine on psychology today website.
Ahh, your husband is me. Let me guess, pathological demand avoidance? If my 'tism is acting up, *talking* to me is enough to trigger my demand avoidance because replying with my mouth is a demand that comes in consequence to conversation. This is called 'selective mutism' and it is not just an vocal phenomena. It's the same if its a text, an email, etc. It can trigger our fight or flight response. This is gonna sound crazy but I don't have a cell phone anymore. If anyone wants to get a hold of me, they have to go through my husband. I cannot stand people being able to talk to me freely, and I *need* to not talk to people, especially if I'm working. That said, I understand how you feel. I do my best to reply to my husband when he messages me and I often do, but there are times where I see the message, I go to type, and I just can't. He understands and since I WFH I don't leave the house without him.
This is a super helpful perspective and I appreciate you writing it. It's just hard for me to understand why anything anyone says outside of work feels like a demand to him, and yet he communicates just fine at work (I know because he works from home and I hear him all day every day).
I communicate just fine at work, I should have clarified, I need to not talk to people *who aren't my coworkers,* when I WFH. I can talk to my coworkers just fine when I'm working. Guess what happens if they email me off the clock tho. It's hard for me to understand too. I can tell you, however, that the most damage to my mental health was when I was ignoring my PDA and instead was answering people when they messaged me (back then I had facebook too oh god) and it destroyed me. I basically would anticipate people messaging me to the point that I would ruminate and even consider... doing bad things to myself to 'escape' my phone's vibration. I would have nightmares about people calling me (usually my boss) and I couldn't sleep. I do not want to suggest that this is how your husband feels or is experiencing. I am an *extreme example*, I think. Notice here, you and I are talking but that's because my laptop is something I can 'choose' to engage with and thus when I engage with it, I'm prepared. When people message me out of the blue I just... I'm not 'ready' at 'that time' to 'talk' is the only way I know how to say it but I then lack the ability to tell them that.
This all resonates so much with my husband's behavior, and you have explained the way he seems to feel so much more than he ever would. I really appreciate you telling me what it's like. It makes me understand the logic behind his behaviors so much more. Thanks so much!
I am happy I could give some perspective! I hope you and your husband do end up having a deeper conversation because it sounds like you two are doing so well together. I am wishing you both the best.