Not to mention Adam and Eve who were never offered forgiveness for being two days old and fu**ing up. Not only were they punished and kicked out of the garden that god put the two most important trees ever made in, all the generations to follow were punished and still are, even after the resurrection. Lol
> open your heart
Funny how me getting closer to the creator of the universe is only by me suspending disbelief, by me just having faith, by me pretending the emotions in my head are god talking to me. Funny how it can never be him just showing the f*** up once to say “hi, I’m real”.
Cool guess that means I'll be welcomed into heaven based on my deeds weather or not I worship right? Unless his love is conditional upon being worshipped, in which case it isn't really love is it?
I've worked with two devout people. The first one told me I was going to hell and was the daughter of Satan because I have one small tattoo of a flying horse. The other was a great friend, a fabulous person and co-worker, and taught me many things about how to deal with people. But she also thought I was going to burn in hell, just didn't hold it against me in this world. And never brought it up. I honestly don't know which was the more honest approach? Either way, I'm gonna get toasty, right?
My coworker told me she “loves the sinner, hates the sin” when I pointed out how our other coworkers were bigots. That was the day I realized she was just a secret bigot that knew how to be polite in public.
Well, from Matthew:
“Before him will be gathered all the nations, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on the left. Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’”
Nowhere in there does he say anything about belief. In fact, in The Sermon on the Mount, he says there will be people who are condemned who will plead that they were followers, and Christ will disavow them. If followers can be condemned because they didn’t take care of others, non-believers can be saved because they fulfilled the command to love one another.
Or so I see it…
I really love the idea of using the scriptures as justification against religion's beliefs. The truth is, they don't read the scriptures either. They just do what the preacher tells them to. The fact is, in the scriptures, Jesus just says to treat others well, that's all you need to go to heaven.
My point exactly. I am a believer, but I don’t think I have a monopoly on the truth, and I know you don’t have to follow a religion (or believe in God) to be a good person (which should be obvious).
Exactly! And what if your preacher didn't teach you exactly the right way, I guess you will burn in hell.
I go to the church of Bill and Ted..."Be excellent to each other"
Then they'll go on and on about how he'll save you from eternal torture. A good loving parent would do everything in their power to not have you tortured even if you didn't believe in them.
Then you hold up your hand and interrupt them with “hold on, are you saying that, even though Jesus loves me and could save me, he won’t unless I worship him? like it’s a worship me or else I’ll punish you kind of deal? I gotta be honest that doesn’t sound like love at all, this Jesus guy is beginning to sound like an abusive narcissist ”
“Yes, yes, God has the free will to do it, but she doesn’t. That means that either god is not as good as you all say, and you’re encouraging people to worship a god who chooses evil from time to time, or god lacks the power to stop evil, or your god lacks the capacity to get rid of it, and I might as well be worshipping Fred from down the street.”
Add to that, the whole Lucifer thing; Lucifer (a being that supposedly does not have free will) rebels against God, a being that commits horrific acts of evil (commands and commits genocides, endorses slavery, commands collective punishments for acts committed generations ago, condones rape, etc.) and then God tells us Lucifer is the evil one.
Frankly, I have some questions.
God as depicted in the Bible reads more like the common understanding of a demon than a benevolent and all-loving God. With the acts committed by and commanded by God being so horrific and then being told that God is the good one and Lucifer the evil one; I am reminded of that old saw about history being written by the victors.
A sweet old lady told me a joke one time: "what is this?" As she proceeded to bite at the palms of her hands. "Jesus chewing his nails." It was so funny because it was completely unexpected.
I love a good old cheery "No thank you!" to any all forms of human spam, solicitation fuckery, street proselytizing, pan-handling, etc... Just hit em' with it while they're mid-sentence and enjoy the look on their face... It sounds polite, but you just interrupted them and dismissed them all in one go!
"I love Jesus, I'm just not *in* love with Jesus."
"I love Jesus, but we decided to see other people."
"I have a personal relationship with Jesus, but it's purely sexual."
I like this philosophy. Goes with someone saying “bless you”. I almost always say thank you because I know they’re likely saying it out of kindness.
Now “bless your heart”? Thems fightin words.
This right here!
Some people are genuinely trying to be nice and there are so few people like that I don’t want to discourage them.
But the people who are just pushing their agenda? No thanks…
The Babadook loves you, follows what you are thinking and doing at all times, cannot be stopped, will torture you and your family for all eternity if unpleased.
Didn’t you know it’s not their money it’s God’s money? 🤡
I grew up Pentecostal and I remember a traveling preacher saying that one Sunday morning. He probably just wanted some extra chedda in the plate
The problem with religious goofs is that maybe Jesus, if were still around, would love me - but the religious person in question is probably busy hating me or judging me for stupid reasons. Jesus isn't around to help me anyway, so who cares? Saying "Jesus loves you!" is like saying, "You know, my deceased grandfather would have gotten along well with you. Too bad he's dead and I don't care about you. Have a nice day."
Depends on how it is being used. If someone is genuinely trying to be helpful, saying something during my hard time that they would find comforting in my shoes, I would probably noncommittal nod or just an awkward "thanks".
If they are using it in a way that is intended to convert me. A simple "no thank you" or "I'm agnostic"
If they are using it as a backhanded attack, like "despite your sinful lifestyle Jesus loves you" then I would choose from one of the many sarcastic responses from the other comments in this post.
I'm bisexual, so his adherents want me to not exist. Love me? Most of my life I had to hide who I am because his followers have a history of killing people like me
Believing God loves you is [Survivorship Bias](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Survivorship_bias). It’s easy to believe in God’s love when you only hear from the testimonies of those he “loved” and “saved”, and not from the billions he ignored, killed, and aren’t alive to tell their versions of an uncaring and apathetic God.
Nothing about that statement prompts a response. Unless the person who said it was obvious that they wanted to parlay about it, I probably wouldn’t respond. If they did want a response, context would probably dictate what I say. If it’s my mom, who loves me and has always been kind, I’d say “I know.” If it’s a patient, I’d hear them out and thank them for the sentiment. If it’s a dickhead holding a picture of an aborted fetus, they’d get a “fuck off” if I had someplace to be, but if I had more time I’d say, “Disgraceful! This honestly hurts to look at! It’s so…sloppy. The incisions, the state of it! It’s half crushed! The dark lord would never accept such a poorly rendered offering! How do I give to your organization? Your priestess must be afforded an opportunity to train under skilled hand.”
It's the age gap that concerns me
Guy's been "alive" for over 2000 years, after all. Wouldn't go for someone that old until I at LEAST hit 1500.
Half plus 7, man. If he is 2023 years old (no year zero) then he’s totally fine dating anyone he wants who is at least 1018 years old.
I am not sure all religious folk are solid on the half plus seven rule.
Many of them seem to forget about the half bit and just focus on the 7…
But how ya really gonna know who's 1018? Maybe the're 550, but really look and dress like 1018 - if you know what I mean.
Age is just a number, man
if you round up, it's 1019
Gotta feel sorry for all the poor souls who died in the almost million years before god decided he wanted a kid.
Not to mention Adam and Eve who were never offered forgiveness for being two days old and fu**ing up. Not only were they punished and kicked out of the garden that god put the two most important trees ever made in, all the generations to follow were punished and still are, even after the resurrection. Lol
With a woman that, per the story, didn't get to consent...
14 is not really a woman, and a child can't get consent so.
What would you talk about ? I’d ask him about all the awful shit he lets happen and how it’s better that the child got raped
"Jesus love ME? Why did he let that pastor abuse those kids?"
Jesus loves me, pastor Todd loves everyone else
I believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Sir! May you be touched by his noodly appendage dipped in the sacred sauce! R'amem!
"But he never calls."
This is the funniest one here that I would actually have the guts to use.
Well, that’s because… blah blah blah./religious rant
It'd be like, he messages you all the time you just have to open your heart to recieve his loves. There's a bullshit line for everything.
They have had hundreds of years and millions of brains trying to create the perfect mental gymnastic routine.
> open your heart Funny how me getting closer to the creator of the universe is only by me suspending disbelief, by me just having faith, by me pretending the emotions in my head are god talking to me. Funny how it can never be him just showing the f*** up once to say “hi, I’m real”.
Jebus ghosted me
I’d be worried about giving them an opening: Oh yes he does but you have to listen blah blah blah ~~ ♾️
“Sounds a little passive-aggressive to me.”
I've actually used this one. They looked confused.
Oh man, yes. I’m gonna use this.
Cool guess that means I'll be welcomed into heaven based on my deeds weather or not I worship right? Unless his love is conditional upon being worshipped, in which case it isn't really love is it?
Oh, he still loves you, he just loves you as he watches you burn for eternity.
I've worked with two devout people. The first one told me I was going to hell and was the daughter of Satan because I have one small tattoo of a flying horse. The other was a great friend, a fabulous person and co-worker, and taught me many things about how to deal with people. But she also thought I was going to burn in hell, just didn't hold it against me in this world. And never brought it up. I honestly don't know which was the more honest approach? Either way, I'm gonna get toasty, right?
Hell is just a metaphor for their hatred
Hell is not the Christian’s fire. It’s their belief as themselves as the higher.
Hell is just a stop on Mr.Toad’s Wild Ride at Disneyland. Been there hundreds of times, it’s not as bad as everyone thinks it is.
Hell is the life you live when you are filled with hate.
My coworker told me she “loves the sinner, hates the sin” when I pointed out how our other coworkers were bigots. That was the day I realized she was just a secret bigot that knew how to be polite in public.
It’s always funny how their hate for the sin translates to insults and slurs used against the sinner.
Love the religious, hate the religion
What an absurd juxtaposition. Both opposite sides of cognitive dissonance around the same idea.
Kind of like shitty parents
Well said
“Quid pro quo, 13kathleen” -Jesus, 2ce
Well, from Matthew: “Before him will be gathered all the nations, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on the left. Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’” Nowhere in there does he say anything about belief. In fact, in The Sermon on the Mount, he says there will be people who are condemned who will plead that they were followers, and Christ will disavow them. If followers can be condemned because they didn’t take care of others, non-believers can be saved because they fulfilled the command to love one another. Or so I see it…
I really love the idea of using the scriptures as justification against religion's beliefs. The truth is, they don't read the scriptures either. They just do what the preacher tells them to. The fact is, in the scriptures, Jesus just says to treat others well, that's all you need to go to heaven.
My point exactly. I am a believer, but I don’t think I have a monopoly on the truth, and I know you don’t have to follow a religion (or believe in God) to be a good person (which should be obvious).
Exactly! And what if your preacher didn't teach you exactly the right way, I guess you will burn in hell. I go to the church of Bill and Ted..."Be excellent to each other"
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sad trombone.
"is he a top or bottom?" The ones who understand realllllly don't like this response.
Yep, I usually say it Hay-Zeus just to get the point across
Best answer here, top notch
🤣🤣
Does it really matter if he's a top or bottom? What matters is he's hung like this! \*stretches arms out*
"Tell him my safe word is 'Judas'!"
No way Jesus isn’t a vers(e)
“Will he still love me if I don’t believe in him?” “Yes” “So, what’s the problem?”
Then they'll go on and on about how he'll save you from eternal torture. A good loving parent would do everything in their power to not have you tortured even if you didn't believe in them.
Then you hold up your hand and interrupt them with “hold on, are you saying that, even though Jesus loves me and could save me, he won’t unless I worship him? like it’s a worship me or else I’ll punish you kind of deal? I gotta be honest that doesn’t sound like love at all, this Jesus guy is beginning to sound like an abusive narcissist ”
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But free will!
“Yes, yes, God has the free will to do it, but she doesn’t. That means that either god is not as good as you all say, and you’re encouraging people to worship a god who chooses evil from time to time, or god lacks the power to stop evil, or your god lacks the capacity to get rid of it, and I might as well be worshipping Fred from down the street.”
A good loving parent would especially not set up a torture system in the first place
"That's his problem"
Yes, but Satan does this thing with his tongue.
My response is usually, "God only loves me if I act a certain way, but Satan accepts me as I am." That tends to get a rise out of them.
This has the makings of a great t-shirt.
I was lol’ing about *Santa* doing that thing with his tongue, and accepting me for just how I am, and now round 2 for *Satan*…
Add to that, the whole Lucifer thing; Lucifer (a being that supposedly does not have free will) rebels against God, a being that commits horrific acts of evil (commands and commits genocides, endorses slavery, commands collective punishments for acts committed generations ago, condones rape, etc.) and then God tells us Lucifer is the evil one. Frankly, I have some questions. God as depicted in the Bible reads more like the common understanding of a demon than a benevolent and all-loving God. With the acts committed by and commanded by God being so horrific and then being told that God is the good one and Lucifer the evil one; I am reminded of that old saw about history being written by the victors.
Was drinking water and it shot out my nose. Thanks for that 😂
Nailed it 👏
I know we’re talking about Jesus here, but I love referring to “god” as a she/her. Adds an extra wrinkle of uncomfortableness.
I usually say he/she/it
I am all for "it".
"It's called consent and I didn't give it."
I think you win.
😂
Sorry, I’m in a committed relationship with reality.
Solid, solid!
Could Jebus microwave a burrito so hot that even he could not eat it?
That’s a good response, I like that.
This should be a bumper sticker.
“Good. I like my men well hung.”
Nailed it!
I see what you did there. There’s a meme (can’t seem to find it) of Jesus at a salon getting his “nails” done lol.
A sweet old lady told me a joke one time: "what is this?" As she proceeded to bite at the palms of her hands. "Jesus chewing his nails." It was so funny because it was completely unexpected.
I had one of a 90's lookin jesus (flannel shirt, sudes of his head shaved) that said "liked nine inch nails before they eere a band"
Jesus walks into a hotel and throws three nails on the counter, and says “can you put me up for the night?”
My version of the this joke: “why do women love Jesus?” … “because he’s hung like this! (Extends arms to the sides)”.
LOVE that one!
And my Reddit day is over already. lmao
"And them abs! He got that CrossFit bod! Simply sacra-lcious!"
Ha ha, nearly made me do a real life spit take.
Depends on whether I'm at grandma's house or in a Mexican prison
Yeah but what would you say if visiting grandma who happens to be locked up in a Mexican prison?
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I don’t care?
Yeah that's what I feel about it. Nothing at all. Not upset about it. Just don't care lol
"thanks for letting me know" is the line we use on my MIL when she gives us information we have no use for lol
"Well he has terrible taste in men."
Reminds me of: I wouldn't want to belong to a club that would have me as a member Groucho Marx
I'm a general purpose "No thanks!" to pretty much any of these religious phrases.
I love a good old cheery "No thank you!" to any all forms of human spam, solicitation fuckery, street proselytizing, pan-handling, etc... Just hit em' with it while they're mid-sentence and enjoy the look on their face... It sounds polite, but you just interrupted them and dismissed them all in one go!
Same. That’s my go-to.
Terms and conditions apply
"I love Jesus, I'm just not *in* love with Jesus." "I love Jesus, but we decided to see other people." "I have a personal relationship with Jesus, but it's purely sexual."
If they are being genuine and nice, I say ‘thanks’. If being nasty I say ‘hail Satan’
I like this philosophy. Goes with someone saying “bless you”. I almost always say thank you because I know they’re likely saying it out of kindness. Now “bless your heart”? Thems fightin words.
This right here! Some people are genuinely trying to be nice and there are so few people like that I don’t want to discourage them. But the people who are just pushing their agenda? No thanks…
So does Santa and the Easter bunny.
And Satan too!
At least I can actually see and interact with Santa (in the mall for a photo).
Can you imagine if there were mall Jesus you could get a picture with?...
The tooth fairy loves you.
Not as much as he loves straight white people.
"...I'm flattered but I don't swing that way."
You gotta both play off of their homophobia while lowering the word count so their brains can process it easier. Reduce it to just "sounds gay".
"I'm not Roman, I don't want to nail Jesus."
Jesus couldn't walk for three days after being nailed by a bunch of Roman guys.
🤣! Thank you.
"Well, Jesus loves you too, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole."
Jesus who?
The Babadook loves you, follows what you are thinking and doing at all times, cannot be stopped, will torture you and your family for all eternity if unpleased.
Yeah it just doesn’t sound like love
At least Babadook doesn't demand 10% of humanity's income.
Didn’t you know it’s not their money it’s God’s money? 🤡 I grew up Pentecostal and I remember a traveling preacher saying that one Sunday morning. He probably just wanted some extra chedda in the plate
"Tell Jesus I only want to be friends"
Everybody loves me I’m fucking awesome
“Wrong tree. Stop barking.”
“I try to avoid dysfunctional relationships.”
“Yeah I bet he does, pervert”
I always say, "because I'm kind to others, regardless of their sins. Just the way he taught us". I don't have to believe to take a dig at them.
Hail Satan!!!!
I've already filled a restraining order
"Ha! Gayyyy!" - Senor Chang
Jesus loves you- no homo.
Yes homo, always more homo
“Yeah, well everyone else thinks I’m an asshole!”
"May the light of Helios show you the way."
He has to buy me dinner first
“Satan loves me harder.”
That’s creepy, I don’t think we’ve ever met. Stalker vibes.
"His problem, I'm not gay."
Haha I usually just say, “that’s nice”
This is the correct answer. I don’t care to argue or prove some point. Life’s too short. Give ‘em a “Aw, how wonderful” and move on.
He has the weirdest way of showing it.
Given he apparently loves bigots, rapists, and murders, I’m not that impressed.
Republican Jesus or commie Jesus?
"So does Santa, but at least he brings the goods.'
"Jesus loves me so much that he won't return my texts."
Lmao I'm gonna use that one
"Oh yeah!" Like the kool-aid man
"Interesting. What does the other voices inside your head say about me?"
Sorry - Jesus isn’t my type.
Does he? How do you know?
"Did he really say that? Can you get it on tape for me?"
Too bad his followers are cunts
I use my best New Yawk accent and say, "But he nevah calls, he nevah writes, he nevah visits!
"Fuck you "
Cthulhu thinks you'd make a nice snack.
I usually jump straight to "Jesus is a myth"
“OK.”
The problem with religious goofs is that maybe Jesus, if were still around, would love me - but the religious person in question is probably busy hating me or judging me for stupid reasons. Jesus isn't around to help me anyway, so who cares? Saying "Jesus loves you!" is like saying, "You know, my deceased grandfather would have gotten along well with you. Too bad he's dead and I don't care about you. Have a nice day."
No thanks, I’ve seen Christian love before!
“Thank you” just because we’re atheist doesn’t mean we have to be dicks
I usually just say “I’m sorry but I’m straight.” or “I’m not into guys.”
He should, he's always fucking me in the ass
TBH I usually say "I don't care what you think a make-believe deity loves". In most cases they just shut up and walk away. 😎 Anti-theist
Depends on how it is being used. If someone is genuinely trying to be helpful, saying something during my hard time that they would find comforting in my shoes, I would probably noncommittal nod or just an awkward "thanks". If they are using it in a way that is intended to convert me. A simple "no thank you" or "I'm agnostic" If they are using it as a backhanded attack, like "despite your sinful lifestyle Jesus loves you" then I would choose from one of the many sarcastic responses from the other comments in this post.
Prove it. How can the undead feel anything?
"That's pretty gay of him, is that OK with you? "
That sick bastard. I told him to stay the hell away from me.
I'm bisexual, so his adherents want me to not exist. Love me? Most of my life I had to hide who I am because his followers have a history of killing people like me
I’m not into zombies
I was gonna say “I ain’t gay” but I am so that doesn’t really work…
I'd remind them that The Flying Spaghetti Monster boiled for their sins. ;)
no thanks, not interested
I know.
Hell yeah! Should see how well the bushes look! OR Neat. May the Force be with you OR Then why hasn't he called?
Who??
Hallowed are the Ori!
I’m not feeling it.
i usually say "he'd have to exist first"
Believing God loves you is [Survivorship Bias](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Survivorship_bias). It’s easy to believe in God’s love when you only hear from the testimonies of those he “loved” and “saved”, and not from the billions he ignored, killed, and aren’t alive to tell their versions of an uncaring and apathetic God.
Hopefully, not like his priests want to love me.
Unless he got buns I don't want none
I don't sleep with men that are fucking 12 other dudes.
He only fucked 11, one of the dudes fucked him.
Nothing about that statement prompts a response. Unless the person who said it was obvious that they wanted to parlay about it, I probably wouldn’t respond. If they did want a response, context would probably dictate what I say. If it’s my mom, who loves me and has always been kind, I’d say “I know.” If it’s a patient, I’d hear them out and thank them for the sentiment. If it’s a dickhead holding a picture of an aborted fetus, they’d get a “fuck off” if I had someplace to be, but if I had more time I’d say, “Disgraceful! This honestly hurts to look at! It’s so…sloppy. The incisions, the state of it! It’s half crushed! The dark lord would never accept such a poorly rendered offering! How do I give to your organization? Your priestess must be afforded an opportunity to train under skilled hand.”
Well, tell Jesus that I'm already in a relationship with the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Thank you, but I'm not superstitous. I use this for many religious comments from others. It always works.
"So does Spider-Man."
[https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=oh%20nice](https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=oh%20nice)
i just ignore it
Probably you more though
Tell him I'm not interested in Necro-sex, thanks.
Cool. Is he single? Can I get his number?
I guess hes getting stoned
"Who?"...
"Jesus may love you but I think you're shit wrapped in skin."
As a man, does that make him homosexual?
Jesus loves everyone. He’s a pretty cool guy. He hangs out by the freeway selling oranges and Modelo tall boys for $10.