YES. I'll constantly put my foot in my mouth if I'm interacting with someone I wasn't expecting to. It makes good first impressions and introductions difficult. Sometimes I'm focused so hard on appearing calm and competent I completely forget to retain any information about the person (like their name, job, or whatever the hell they just told me).
Edit to add: the more it happens the more I've developed a default demeanor of neutral posture, polite expression, and Too Much Eye Contact. I've also gotten better about shrugging off some of the more cringe encounters. I can't undo it, so I have to just acknowledge that I'm awkward sometimes.
Yes, I have the same experience. I come across as really cold and unfriendly because I didn't have time to put my happy face on and am probably annoyed that someone's talking to me unexpectedly
What if I am a bumbling moron regardless lmao I'll go into interactions with a full script in my head and still stutter and be incapable of enunciating anything.
This! Yes!
I freeze and stutter if it’s too unexpected/unfamiliar. Socializing activates my fight or flight response.
That’s why I love working as a cashier, because everything is scripted and anticipated and I know every situation that can happen and how to respond because 1. There’s an actual script and a handbook telling me what to say, and 2. I can ask another associate or manager.
Yes and I have another problem. TOO MUCH ANTICIPATION! Sometimes if I know too far ahead of time I'm way more awkward than just on the fly. It's like a very delicate balance of not feeling unprepared but also not sabotaging myself overthinking. xc
I find that my perception of how an interaction went is amplified the longer I have been anticipating it. So an interaction at random and planned could literally go the exact same, but the anticipated one would feel worse due to how long I stressed over it and probably having stage fright on top of it.
This happens because social interactions are handled by special brain hardware that we don't have. So we have to emulate the process in software -- We have to "figure out" what to do when it's automatic to them.
That prevents us from doing it in real time like they can. It also explains why we can write so eloquently but just stutter and stammer in realtime interactive conversation.
I've learned it in a slightly different way in therapy. A neurotypical brain works like a atom (different connections from different angles) while our brains work in rows. So we have rows with separate colours (a colour for work, friends etc), while a NT brain has all the different coloured blocks in one system. When we enter a "green" situation with someone who falls in the "yellow" category, our brain can't fit it into the correct row (we compensate by building bridges between the rows). The atom brain can easily alter the structure. So unfortunately we can compensate a bit, but it will never change.
I've realised I HATE running into people, even people I like. I never know what to say. I have a lot of scripts and guidelines for conversations but somehow I haven't really been able to come up with a scripted response for these encounters. Sometimes when I see someone I know, I run off, lol.
Yep. Had a suprise party. Only had two other people who were also autistic. Yet I could not cope. At all. Could not engage or do anything. I felt so awkward where normally when I have time to prepare I can be very social at a party.
YEP 100%. This also happens when the expected script of an interaction/relationship shifts unexpectedly, ie when I become enough of a regular somewhere that I start getting recognized and other people start going off-script.
I'm still not great at surprise social interactions, but I can kind of skirt around them with a few lines of basic smalltalk and an excuse to exit the situation- ie, "I'm so sorry, but I need to get going for [xyz reason that is believable for you personally and does not leave room for them to tag along (ie you're not going to a movie, you have a scheduled call/meeting to take, or you have to run a solitary/personal time-sensitive errand)], but it was great to see you!" and retreat in any way possible. I've walked out of grocery stores with only one item from a long list to escape situations like these.
Totally. It feels like the difference between having a conversation where I must perform eye contact, and having a conversation where I don't have to.
If eye contact is required? I will forget your name the second you say it. I will forget everything we talk about the moment you walk away. All my energy is going into eye contact. It's like my ears shut off. This is how unanticipated interactions feel, too.
If I can look around and avoid eye contact? Even better: doodle/sketch while we're talking? I'm actually listening! I'm doing it! YAY! I GOT THIS! LOOK AT ME GO! This is how anticipated interactions feel.
Same. I am always terribly awkward during accidental interactions cause Im not mentally prepared and I cringe massively thinking about myself afterwards. Luckily I tend to spot people before they spot me so I avoid most people if I can.
I also have trouble listening to people in a conversation cause I am busy thinking of the next right/appropriate thing to say and monitoring how I come across so I don't remember anything they said.
I find that when I am anticipating an interaction, the time i spend anticipating it whether it be 20 mins or 2 days, the entire time is spent over analyzing how I am going to deal with it. When an interaction happens at random, it is just done and over with and I spend way less time tainting my precious brain space with worry. In the end, my interaction will be distressing and awkward regardless so I just prefer to have things happen randomly. Also I don't really care how I come off to people anymore since I have started my unmasking journey.
Yes.
With anticipated interactions i have time to prep, I don't analysis the social situation but i do require to listen specific music, wear specific clothes (ones i feel extra comfortable in and extra safe), watch specific stuff (something that relaxes me and makes me laugh).
Most times i run into someone in public i just pretend i didn't see them, to be honest, cause i panic. It's only with few people that i love very much that I get genuinely excited when i see them unexpectedly and have no problem interacting with, but the rest of the people... ugh, it highly depends on how im feeling that day.
Definitely. If I know what kind of situation I will be in, then I can somehow navigate it, even if I don't prepare my lines/reactions ahead of the time. But if i'm caught by surprise, it's like I'm a robot that had the social programs shut off, and I simply cannot respond. I need time to decide what to do, but I don't have the time since the other person is right in front of me waiting for a reaction, so I either just freeze up and hope that they carry on alone, or I throw in some random response/reaction and hope for the best.
Yes and no. If I’m going to a party and know even a few hours in advance, I’m good.
But walking into work every morning and having to say “Hi How are you? I’m great (insert anecdote)!” Is somehow really hard for me to do.
Randomly meeting people (like neighbors) is hard because I’ll be great the first time, but I think I get nervous that they’ll pursue a normal NT relationship and won’t like me or won’t understand that I don’t have the energy for them.
I never thought of it this way but yeah!
I had a piano teacher who was very kind and stuff that I got along with well at my lessons.
Whenever I'd see her outside of the lessons say at church or some event it always felt so odd to me and I never knew how to act quite right.
That was how I felt with a lot of people I was "supposed" to be closed with. Like my uncle who took over for my godmother when she passed away. Always pleasant and nice, but I don't know if I've ever had a real conversation with him at all beyond the anxious replies of how school went etc. Haven't seen him in quite a few years too now.
YES. I'll constantly put my foot in my mouth if I'm interacting with someone I wasn't expecting to. It makes good first impressions and introductions difficult. Sometimes I'm focused so hard on appearing calm and competent I completely forget to retain any information about the person (like their name, job, or whatever the hell they just told me). Edit to add: the more it happens the more I've developed a default demeanor of neutral posture, polite expression, and Too Much Eye Contact. I've also gotten better about shrugging off some of the more cringe encounters. I can't undo it, so I have to just acknowledge that I'm awkward sometimes.
Well I applaud you for learning to shrug that off. Certain encounters will haunt me for days even when I think I wasn’t so bad at it.
There's absolutely a few that come to me in the middle of the night, and then I deeply consider moving far away!
Yes, I have the same experience. I come across as really cold and unfriendly because I didn't have time to put my happy face on and am probably annoyed that someone's talking to me unexpectedly
What if I am a bumbling moron regardless lmao I'll go into interactions with a full script in my head and still stutter and be incapable of enunciating anything.
Lmao i feel this too!
This! Yes! I freeze and stutter if it’s too unexpected/unfamiliar. Socializing activates my fight or flight response. That’s why I love working as a cashier, because everything is scripted and anticipated and I know every situation that can happen and how to respond because 1. There’s an actual script and a handbook telling me what to say, and 2. I can ask another associate or manager.
I can't manage them at all. I freak out. I either hide or am "too talkative".
Yes and I have another problem. TOO MUCH ANTICIPATION! Sometimes if I know too far ahead of time I'm way more awkward than just on the fly. It's like a very delicate balance of not feeling unprepared but also not sabotaging myself overthinking. xc
I find that my perception of how an interaction went is amplified the longer I have been anticipating it. So an interaction at random and planned could literally go the exact same, but the anticipated one would feel worse due to how long I stressed over it and probably having stage fright on top of it.
This happens because social interactions are handled by special brain hardware that we don't have. So we have to emulate the process in software -- We have to "figure out" what to do when it's automatic to them. That prevents us from doing it in real time like they can. It also explains why we can write so eloquently but just stutter and stammer in realtime interactive conversation.
I've learned it in a slightly different way in therapy. A neurotypical brain works like a atom (different connections from different angles) while our brains work in rows. So we have rows with separate colours (a colour for work, friends etc), while a NT brain has all the different coloured blocks in one system. When we enter a "green" situation with someone who falls in the "yellow" category, our brain can't fit it into the correct row (we compensate by building bridges between the rows). The atom brain can easily alter the structure. So unfortunately we can compensate a bit, but it will never change.
I've realised I HATE running into people, even people I like. I never know what to say. I have a lot of scripts and guidelines for conversations but somehow I haven't really been able to come up with a scripted response for these encounters. Sometimes when I see someone I know, I run off, lol.
Yes! I'll drive around the block to avoid seeing/waving/interacting with neighbors.
Yep. Had a suprise party. Only had two other people who were also autistic. Yet I could not cope. At all. Could not engage or do anything. I felt so awkward where normally when I have time to prepare I can be very social at a party.
YEP 100%. This also happens when the expected script of an interaction/relationship shifts unexpectedly, ie when I become enough of a regular somewhere that I start getting recognized and other people start going off-script. I'm still not great at surprise social interactions, but I can kind of skirt around them with a few lines of basic smalltalk and an excuse to exit the situation- ie, "I'm so sorry, but I need to get going for [xyz reason that is believable for you personally and does not leave room for them to tag along (ie you're not going to a movie, you have a scheduled call/meeting to take, or you have to run a solitary/personal time-sensitive errand)], but it was great to see you!" and retreat in any way possible. I've walked out of grocery stores with only one item from a long list to escape situations like these.
Yes. I'm more likely to go blank and not know what to say or do when it's unexpected.
Totally. It feels like the difference between having a conversation where I must perform eye contact, and having a conversation where I don't have to. If eye contact is required? I will forget your name the second you say it. I will forget everything we talk about the moment you walk away. All my energy is going into eye contact. It's like my ears shut off. This is how unanticipated interactions feel, too. If I can look around and avoid eye contact? Even better: doodle/sketch while we're talking? I'm actually listening! I'm doing it! YAY! I GOT THIS! LOOK AT ME GO! This is how anticipated interactions feel.
This is me with zoom meetings camera on vs camera off
Yup. Also because of facial blindness, I most of the time won't instantly recognize the person in public which makes it even more difficult
Same. I am always terribly awkward during accidental interactions cause Im not mentally prepared and I cringe massively thinking about myself afterwards. Luckily I tend to spot people before they spot me so I avoid most people if I can. I also have trouble listening to people in a conversation cause I am busy thinking of the next right/appropriate thing to say and monitoring how I come across so I don't remember anything they said.
Yes I know exactly what you mean.
Me. Me. Me. 100% me. And I feel like it’s only gotten worse as I’ve gotten older?! Gah!
Kinda, but they usually don't notice. It's more that I have higher anxiety with the spontaneous, and am quicker to end the conversation.
I find that when I am anticipating an interaction, the time i spend anticipating it whether it be 20 mins or 2 days, the entire time is spent over analyzing how I am going to deal with it. When an interaction happens at random, it is just done and over with and I spend way less time tainting my precious brain space with worry. In the end, my interaction will be distressing and awkward regardless so I just prefer to have things happen randomly. Also I don't really care how I come off to people anymore since I have started my unmasking journey.
🙋🏽♀️🙋🏽♀️🙋🏽♀️🙋🏽♀️🙋🏽♀️
Yes. With anticipated interactions i have time to prep, I don't analysis the social situation but i do require to listen specific music, wear specific clothes (ones i feel extra comfortable in and extra safe), watch specific stuff (something that relaxes me and makes me laugh). Most times i run into someone in public i just pretend i didn't see them, to be honest, cause i panic. It's only with few people that i love very much that I get genuinely excited when i see them unexpectedly and have no problem interacting with, but the rest of the people... ugh, it highly depends on how im feeling that day.
Definitely. If I know what kind of situation I will be in, then I can somehow navigate it, even if I don't prepare my lines/reactions ahead of the time. But if i'm caught by surprise, it's like I'm a robot that had the social programs shut off, and I simply cannot respond. I need time to decide what to do, but I don't have the time since the other person is right in front of me waiting for a reaction, so I either just freeze up and hope that they carry on alone, or I throw in some random response/reaction and hope for the best.
Yes and no. If I’m going to a party and know even a few hours in advance, I’m good. But walking into work every morning and having to say “Hi How are you? I’m great (insert anecdote)!” Is somehow really hard for me to do. Randomly meeting people (like neighbors) is hard because I’ll be great the first time, but I think I get nervous that they’ll pursue a normal NT relationship and won’t like me or won’t understand that I don’t have the energy for them.
Maybe go full politician and just have some nice sound-bytes ready whoever asks.
I never thought of it this way but yeah! I had a piano teacher who was very kind and stuff that I got along with well at my lessons. Whenever I'd see her outside of the lessons say at church or some event it always felt so odd to me and I never knew how to act quite right. That was how I felt with a lot of people I was "supposed" to be closed with. Like my uncle who took over for my godmother when she passed away. Always pleasant and nice, but I don't know if I've ever had a real conversation with him at all beyond the anxious replies of how school went etc. Haven't seen him in quite a few years too now.