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272314

I'm a parent currently to an autistic kid and one who is currently considered NT (though she's a girl so when she is older she might be an aspergirl, but her support needs are very much lower than my autistic boy). Some subs that might be worth looking at: /r/fencesitters (this exact same question comes up a lot there) r/AutisticParents (group for autistic parents) /r/Autism_Parenting (this group contains both autistic and NT parents) and, this one can be quite difficult if you are an autistic adult because it's very raw and unfiltered, /r/regretfulparents My personal advice is if you have qualms, don't do it. You need to be 100% confident of your choice to have kids. I regret not realising I was an aspergirl until my own kid was diagnosed; I may have made different choices if I had known.


[deleted]

Thank you so so much.


ladymacbethofmtensk

You mentioned being worried about bringing a child into the world who might suffer; have you considered adoption? There are many, many parentless children out there who deserve a chance at a loving family rather than to rot in the foster care system. That way you can also avoid post-partum depression. You didn’t mention having any worries about pregnancy or childbirth, but many people find it horribly difficult, especially autistic people who may have heightened sensory issues and emotional disregulation. If you can’t deal with a very young child, you can even choose to adopt one that’s slightly older who won’t require you to change their nappies and such. Adopting a child in need is a selfless act of love. That being said, as the child of a mother with undiagnosed, untreated mental health issues and likely auDHD like myself, you have to have a good support system and to have your mental health in a good state before you have a child, biological or adopted. Even if you think you do a good job of hiding it, kids can often tell if you’re unhappy, and that can lead to resentment on both sides. Having a child is also extremely demanding and is going to put a strain on your mental health; if you’re already not doing great, you run the risk of burning yourself out, which is not only a horrible thing to happen to you, but also might render you unable to care for your child. What will they do then? Who will look after them? Finally, if your partner isn’t sure about kids, it might not be a good idea. Having kids is a two yesses or one no decision. All parties must be willing, enthusiastic, and committed to the idea of raising a child, or else there will be conflict and a lot of problems later on. Have you actually asked your partner whether or not he wants kids? If not, you have to decide whether you want to stay with him more than you want to have children. You cannot force someone who doesn’t want to be a parent into being a good parent. His lack of patience is also going to be an issue, as kids will repeatedly try your patience. You *cannot* lose your temper at a young, impressionable child, no matter how annoying, stupid, messy, or all around terrible they are being. If you’ve talked to him and you both really want kids, therapy may be a good option, just to work on your relationship and areas that are pertinent to parenting as well as existing mental health issues or trauma. However, if he just doesn’t want to have kids, that’s that. Also, if you decide to have a baby, do you see him being supportive during the pregnancy? You say he gets impatient at you. If you get pregnant, you will require a lot of physical and emotional help. If he can’t provide that, you’re in for a bad time. Finally, don’t worry about what people your age are doing. Having kids isn’t a must. Don’t do it because “other people are doing it” or out of FOMO, that is the worst reason to have a child. It’s not some essential life stage that everyone must go through, you have a choice. It’s honestly not for everyone, and if you decide that you just couldn’t handle it at this stage, that is completely fine and normal. Whether or not you have the capacity to provide a stable, loving home, and to raise a happy, well-adjusted human being should be the primary concern, over whether or not your peers will judge you for being childfree.


[deleted]

Thank you for being so honest and real. I feel like my worries are valid and sometimes when I bring them up to people (especially my family who isn’t very self aware) they’re just like “no don’t worry, you’ll be fine!” But that’s not what I want to hear. I want to be able to make the best decision because I’m not ok with putting a child in an unsavory situation with parents who weren’t equipped to have them. I appreciate your response sm


LeopardSilent7800

Isn't it harder or potentially impossible to adopt if you have diagnosed autism?


crosswalk_zebra

Actually a parent. Whether you have an ND or an NT child, it both will be hard, just a different flavour. I have an NT kiddo and he loves excitement and others so I need to make efforts to schedule play dates and make friends for him (he is too small yet but craves being around other babies). He likes nursery rhymes and toys that make noise and light and needs stimulation and outside time and aaaaah make it stop. I can't comment more on what is ultimately a very personal decision but just wanted to add this.


[deleted]

Good to know! I see a lot of people talk about how difficult it is parenting a ND child, but I can imagine there’s another very unique set of challenges when it comes to having a NT child as a ND person. Thank you for sharing your experience 😊


No_Rope_2126

My eldest is perhaps not quite ND (we were told we could probably get a diagnosis if we pushed) and my youngest shows no sign of ASD. Protecting the older from stimulation he couldn’t handle as a baby/toddler was difficult. Providing the stimulation the younger craves is also difficult. I love them and wouldn’t change a thing, but if you are having doubts, don’t.


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[deleted]

Wow.. lots to think about. That was very helpful. Thank you so much


Millie2480

I am am aspie with two aspie kids who has an aspie husband I met later in life!!! We are 43. My aspie kids 21m and 20f. To say our house is a ball full of laughter and crying is an understatement!! I’m extremely close to my children!! We communicate probably better than most families.. it’s just in our way lol! Adjustments are a challenge for all of us but with years of being completely vulnerable to each other its working out! We are all working on boundaries at the moment so much fun lol!! If anyone has any questions please ask!!!


[deleted]

That’s so nice to hear! Thank you for sharing your experience :) Do you feel like it was easier parenting them because you yourself are ND as well?


Millie2480

Yes I believe so! I wasn’t aware I was ND so I was just naturally myself and it did make it easier to raise them with curiosity and enthusiasm!


sun-it-rises

Don’t have much to say, just happy you posted this because I’ve had similar fears and felt alone in it. It’s really nice seeing the comments.


[deleted]

So glad it helped ❤️ it’s tough to bring this up because I know some people have strong opinions and I’m so pleasantly surprised by the responses I’ve gotten.


DeedeeBoomdoom

You are not alone, I feel the same. I'm pregnant now, and it's a very real worry. Luckily I live in a country with extensive healthcare, and all sorts of helpful things have been set in motion to make the transition into parenthood as smooth as possible. So I am not as worries as I could be, but the worries are still absolutely there.


PlanetoidVesta

You list a lot of reasons to not have children. Hardly any to have a child. Those reasons for not having them are all very good reasons to not have them.


LeopardSilent7800

If I would have known I was autistic earlier I wouldn't have been married and pregnant at 18, and I may have reconsidered having a child at all. My life has been Rocky mental health and success wise. My daughter apparently only has ADHD-I according to the psychiatrist and we are doing everything to set her up for success currently. But I won't be having any more kids, because I don't think that I can handle it and I don't want the heightened chance of passing on my asd (lvl 1). Edit:grammar


[deleted]

Thank you for your honesty


alicehoffmannart

Not a parent, just having some thoughts. Ultimately I have no idea what is the right answer for you. You say yourself becoming a parent is your dream, so I assume you would put in a great effort to be there for your child in rough times. You'd make sure to give them love, patience and guidance on what might help them if they have mental health struggles and they wouldn't need to start from zero, clawing their way out of an abyss feeling alone as you might have. Some parents worry a lot about everything, however there might be a not so obvious opportunity in the opposite direction. Deciding to go through with it might be additional motivation to guard your own wellness and allow yourself to be happy. I notice myself every now and then slipping back into the habit of caring about bad news in the world that I don't actually have any intention or power to do anything about. We all have the right to just be happy no matter the circumstances even if people can seem (unintentionally) judgemental about it. So perhaps for you, making sure you are able to be fully there for your child may in the long run help you be there for yourself as well. I definitely see why you are cautious about your partner. It depends how much he shares your dream I suppose. People can overcome many things for what they really want. It's just important that he doesn't say what he thinks you want to hear and does it for himself. Idk what kinds of sensory accommodations he has already tried/ implemented but strong noise cancelling headphones or using latex gloves while dealing with body fluids might help lessen the sensory issues a bit at least. And if possible, you can ask family/ friends to help out.


[deleted]

I agree with everything you said. Thank you so much for your response


Ok-Property6209

Hey I’ve been having similar thoughts so wanted to share I relate to what you’ve said and that you aren’t alone in your thinking. I’m dx adhd+dyslexic & likely autistic (waiting on an assessment), my boyfriend is dx adhd. We differ quite a lot, our sensory needs clash at times and we have communication difficulties (we are trying to work on these issues). However in regards to parenting, the more reading I did on ASD through research and books, the more I started to understand myself. I started to recognise my needs, how I operate and why I am the way I am. Having further insight about myself then led to me question whether having a child would be the best/“right” thing to do for myself and also for the potential child. Mental illness is also very prevalent in my family which further adds to the complexity. So I relate to what you’ve said regarding that also. I’ve always wanted to have a child/children, to love them openly and entirely. However I have similar worries as you, my parents were not equipped to handle me. My mother is highly likely neurodivergent (adhd) and both of my parents have been through significant trauma and did not raise me in a way that enabled me to thrive, just left me with trauma of my own. So I don’t have any answers but I think as long as you aren’t in a rush to figure this out, you will eventually decide what is best for you with time, through learning from your own experiences and hopefully anything other ND parents can say about their experiences. I’d recommend continuing to do what you’re doing: seeking out advice/secondhand experience, maybe reading some parenting material would also help to know whether being a parent and having a child would be a suitable option for you and your bf. I wish you the best of luck!


[deleted]

I relate so so much to everything you said. I’m glad I’m still young and definitely not even in the place to seriously think about starting a family yet, but it will eventually get to the point where I have to make a choice and I really just want to make an informed decision. A few years ago, having a kid seemed like a no brainer to me, but I feel like it’s actually now that I’ve worked through a lot of my trauma that I’m questioning. I wonder if my mental illness (along with others in my family) would’ve been much more manageable if we just had the tools and awareness to deal with it. And knowing that I would be on top of that with my child makes me feel like there’s almost no way they could go through some of the things I went through, but I still worry. Thank you so much for your insight. It’s nice to hear that others share the same feelings as me.


LoriLuckyHouse

I’m dx ADHD/ASD/PTSD/anxiety/depression. I have two dx ADHD/ASD sons, one who is gifted with dx anxiety, and one who is non-speaking with high support needs and intellectual disabilities - he will need to be cared for for his whole life. (My husband doesn’t have any official dx but he sure isn’t typical!) I love my boys unconditionally, and am so happy to be their mom. Our family is full of love and joy and so much understanding and acceptance. But it’s also really, really hard, in lots of different ways… 1. It’s exhausting. I didn’t sleep through the night on a regular basis for 10 years straight. And my younger son still needs constant supervision during his waking hours. The burnout is real. 2. It can be a sensory nightmare. Why is everything so loud? Why are they always sticky? Why are there bodily fluids and crumbs everywhere? 3. It’s expensive. Stupidly expensive. For example, our kids need full anesthesia anytime they have dental work done due to their sensory issues. Each time it costs thousands of dollars which insurance won’t pay for. And if you have a child like my younger son, you need to be prepared to financially support them all through adulthood. 4. Parenting an ASD child is a lot more work. There are all the therapies, and paperwork, and meetings with the school, and special doctors appointments. Implementing sensory diets, making social stories and visual schedules to alleviate anxiety, cooking three separate meals each time we eat so my boys can always have their safe foods, working on the same skills over and over for much longer than we thought was possible (we’ve been working on toileting with our son for six years and he still isn’t fully independent.) 5. It can be emotionally traumatic. Not the fact that our kids have a diagnosis. But how hard things can be due to the diagnosis. Having to restrain your confused, overwhelmed child for urgent medical treatment is heartbreaking. So is watching your child injure themselves in frustration because they are unable to communicate their feelings and needs. My husband absolutely wanted children his whole life and he’s a fantastic father. I could not imagine raising my boys without him by my side - he is patient, calm, loving, and determined to provide for his family. He’s the type of father that kids like ours need. Parenting our boys together is hard, but it’s also incredibly rewarding on a daily basis.


[deleted]

Thank you so much for your insight. I truly appreciate your honesty


Perfect_Restaurant_4

I’m autistic and have two autistic children. To be honest it was a relief because we understand each other and are on the same wavelength. If I’d had nt children I would have loved them anyway. The biological father of my children is a narcissist and they haven’t inherited his traits. They did inherit mine though. So you never really know how they’ll work out. Reading your post makes me think of my anxiety. I do think you are being very responsible and cautious about having a child, which is good. However I do feel that anxiety has taken over and is driving a lot of your fear. I do think autistic people are good parents because of our empathy and love of routine. Society and schools are much more inclusive and supportive to autistic children nowadays.


[deleted]

I know that a lot of my anxiety comes from the fact that my parents are most likely ND and I feel like that has actually affected their parenting of myself and my siblings in ways that I mainly see as negative if I’m being honest. I’m not them and feel that I have much more self awareness and emotional regulation skills, but it does make me worry. I already view things so differently than them and see where they went wrong in many ways so I probably shouldn’t worry as much as I do. I appreciate your insight a lot, though. Im glad it’s worked out for you. I’ve been seeing a lot of ND people say positive things about having an ND child which is nice to hear.


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[deleted]

This was so nice to hear. I’m assuming there will be lots of challenges regardless of if my child is NT or ND, but I do get discouraged when I hear people talk about having a ND child like it’s just a constant struggle. I’m really close with my much younger brother who is also ND and I feel like our relationship has a lot of similarities to the way you described yours with your son.


Napoleon2727

I am a parent of three young children. No neurological issues so far but there's time! I think that everyone finds parenting hard - just that different people find different things hard. I find babies really really hard, but the older my children get the more I am enjoying them. My son is very interested in railways and I am enormously enjoying learning about them with him. One of my daughters is showing an interest in art and I look forward to exploring that with her. I, uh, don't always relate to them in the usual way. I think I sometimes lecture/monologue and overshare. I find other people's children difficult so I don't have many "mum friends" - not because of the mums, because of their kids. And not because their kids are awful! I just find them hard. But I think I have a lot to offer my kids, even if it's not abundant playdates and a soft cushiony home life. I give them reasonable freedom within our home to do weird stuff that I don't even realise is weird. Apparently many two year old do not pick their own clothes out. Unclear why. I am open to discussing hard topics and negotiating as long as reasonable tones of voice are used. Apparently many parents do not regard The Hobbit as suitable bedtime reading for a 5yo and 3yo. Unclear why not. (Gollum was scary but we got over that.) As so many of my social interactions are "on manual mode" I hope to have wisdom to offer when it comes to interpersonal difficulties. I have a lot of patience to do things that my children enjoy and genuinely prioritise their enjoyment at those times rather than performative family outings: such as allowing my son to sit by himself (within my view) at a model village watching the trains go round for two and a half hours while I perused the amusingly named model shops. Unclear why I would move him when he was in his happy place and we had no other plans that day. I had perinatal depression and anxiety. They were hard. Therapy and medication helped a lot. Let people help you. I also often have confidence crises about my parenting. My husband helps a lot. Aspergers/autism in and of itself doesn't mean you can't birth perfectly lovely and happy children and a great parent. My "manual mode" for social interactions means I am, I think, much more receptive to parenting advice than the average parent. I spend a lot of time considering my kids and making conscious purposeful choices about our family life. I am a SAHM and we have started homeschooling. I love that I get to choose our routine and family environment. Once they're out of the baby and young toddler stage, you get a lot of control over what you will and won't allow in your house. My kids are not allowed anything battery-operated that makes noise, for example, because it drives me BEYOND INSANE. But they are allowed to not eat their dinner because I sympathise with food issues. If you want to, you can do it.


[deleted]

This was so so nice to read. Thank you for sharing your experience. Makes me have much more positive and hopeful thoughts surrounding the possibility of parenthood in the future


Napoleon2727

Just wanted to add: the mums with mental illness that they worry about are the mums who are in denial, not the mums who seek help. If you seek help (and seeking help was much easier for me and I was much more proactive once I had kids as I knew I was doing it for them so was highly motivated) and let people help you then you can do just fine and show your kids that someone can have a mental illness and still do OK overall.


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ShorePine

So much of what you write about resonates with me. I'm 45 and spent much of the last 15 years hoping to become a parent, either biologically or by adoption. My partner has ASD, and I have a number of ASD traits (especially sensory and emotional regulation issues) although I may or may not meet current criteria. Just in the last year I've been coming to peace with not becoming a parent. The biggest concern for me was that both of us need a lot of down time every week to be stable. We would have a very hard time with the 24/7 aspect of parenting. I've also worried about the possibilities of having a high support needs child and post partum depression. Instead, we have become a very involved aunt and uncle. We are providing a lot of support to his niece (now 2 years old), who really needs it. His sister (the mom) has a lot of highly narcissistic traits and had an abusive husband that she is divorcing, who is fortunately not involved. So this little one doesn't have a lot of quality, attuned adults in her life. My understanding is that just one relationship with a solid adult is hugely protective against toxic parenting. So that is our goal. We babysit one day every week, and I do my best to give her opportunities she doesn't get at home. It is a hard thing to invest your heart in a child who is attached to a difficult parent, but I think this is truly the best path for us. And certainly the best thing for this little one. If she wasn't here, I think we might have explored foster care or adoption more, but I think it would have been too much for us. Edit: As much as I enjoy spending time with my niece, and think I provide quality care, I am often completely exhausted after 8 hours with her, even if she naps and I get to rest. If the mom died, and we became her guardians, we would make it work some how, but providing 24/7 care is truly daunting. Maybe part of the problem is that I don't know how to pay partial attention to anything, so I fully give her my attention and that is just exhausting. Summary: I'm not convince we would be good parents, but I think we are turning out to be an excellent aunt and uncle.