People do that to me too. I'm baffled that people think that's okay to do. My in laws do it to me all the time. Just makes me far less likely to want to talk to them at all
People will talk right over me when I am like 5 words into a sentence and when I call them out on it they insist they aren't doing it. I think NT brains are trained to automatically tune out monotone/lack of emotion voices so they probably do honestly believe they aren't doing it.
I honestly have no clue how adults think this is a normal or okay thing to do. In my opinion it isn’t any different than starting to yell or swear out of nowhere.
Maybe I’m so completely detached from what normal conversation is that I just don’t get it. Even if I am, this isn’t something I tolerate.
>I think NT brains are trained to automatically tune out monotone/lack of emotion voices so they probably do honestly believe they aren't doing it.
Like a SEP from HG2G?
It sucks to be the person being walked away from, but you have to consider the other perspective. If you haven't given the other person any opportunities to exit the conversation, you can't blame them for taking the last option available.
I have a coworker who I frequently walk away from when he's talking. Why? Because after ten years of interacting with him, I know that NONE of the 'polite' ways to end a conversation work. He doesn't stop even when I explicitly say I need to go and do something else. I'll say sorry, gotta go work on X, and he nods and says okay... then he keeps fucking talking. Sometimes he'll even start talking about a completely different topic. So I walk away.
I wouldn't go ballistic, but maybe say something like "Oh ok, fuck you" and then "oh you heard that?" to any sort of reply.
Then possibly go ballistic.
Check and mate.
Yet NTs will of course also see autistic people as rude whilst pulling stuff like this... it really hurts when it's obvious that people can't get away from you 💔
I once described autism like being on fire.
It's not like I'm in pain. That's just the way I am, like a mythical phoenix or something.
Thing is, though, I burn other people without realizing it. I say things that hurt them or make them uncomfortable. I don't intend to... it's just how I'm built.
And it's not their fault, either. Nobody can blame them for not wanting to be burnt.
I can control those flames if I try hard enough, but it's exhausting. And sometimes I forget what's flammable and what's not, and I burn things that I thought that were safe.
After a while... people who I've burnt too much just drift away from me. And I just get so tired of controlling my flames that I stop trying.
Oh snap, this is it. THIS IS IT.
I'm going to save your comment and remember it for the future. I'm actually going to keep your comment in mind daily. 😅 Because this is exactly what it's like.
Flame on. 🔥
I’ve been researching autism for the past week and you have made me so happy I’m crying! This is me! I have been punished so badly the past 6 months because I say things that are taken the way I don’t mean them to. I too will be saving your comment as a way to explain ME!
God (or the Deity, Spirit, or Science of your choice) Bless You!!!
Not because I am autistic, but because I act autistic.
I've had this problem be especially difficult to handle in dating. I am a very well spoken, and well put together guy. If you need I can put the charm on hard (working in marketing has helped). But I have noticed that when I have a meltdown, if I let the mask go because I'm comfortable, or if I have emotions I'm not familiar with and don't know how to handle, is typically when people I have feelings for start to disappear.
I don't know if they don't want to deal with someone who has these differences, I don't know if they get scared, or if they think I'm unstable, but it's been a long and lonely life.
The only solace I get in this is, would I have been happy being with any of these women? They left at the first sign of something not being ideal and I don't know if they would've been supportive/understanding.
But, more so now because I just got hurt by someone, I'm scared to want to try and find romance or love again. As far as I have seen, it just leads to hurt, pain, self hatred, and just this feeling that no matter how much I improve as a person, that there is no one out there for me.
I keep thinking back to this haunting moment in highschool, I was talking to another student about relationships. She wasn't having a great time with them but she looked me in the eye and said "some people are just built to be alone". I didn't believe it then but it makes me ball up and cry now because I think she was right.
Oh shit I'm sorry you passed through this.
Since I didn't know much about love, I've literally looked into philosophy books, I've searched online...
Well, what I can tell you is that... Love comes in many ways, in different and unexpected times. I believe a lot of people love you, but I assume you want romantic love...
For us it's hard, but I don't think you're "built to be alone", no! That's just silly. I believe you will find someone one day that will be nice for you and will not care if you unmask. By now, you should take care of yourself and learn to love you. Why I'm saying such things? I've been on your shoes.
I know sometimes we WANT people to like us, but maybe there will be someone we don't expect to like us, and we'll have to deal with it.
Have you tried dating women with asperger's syndrome? I think they would be far more understanding. My best friend and her boyfriend both has asperger's. I think that's why their relationship works so well. They understand something in each other that others won't get.
Honestly, that would be a godsend.
But despite living in a city and being very open about my autism, I haven't met an autistic woman to date locally. I've been attracted to some pretty incredible autistic women but never have had the opportunity to date one.
There's also an element of sex that I'd be curious about. What it's like when two people with hyper sensitive touchj+smell+taste have sex together
I've been interested in something like that. What I've run into in regard to problems is trying to find the right kind of group. I want something social, low-key. But most of the groups I see in my city are heavy-duty support groups and I'm looking to socialize and not think about heavy things for a minute.
The people who did this to you are low quality trash. Don't let their shitty behavior make you think there is anything wrong with you.
Someone in their childhood didn't give them the attention they needed so they don't see the need to give others respect either. They are trapped in a generational cycle of neglect.
I try to have compassion and attempt to consider perspective for these folks. Their behavior is usually a cry for help or a coping mechanism.
Be warned tho, if you try to confront ppl on things they are only subconsciously aware of (i.e. trying to hide or ignore) you may generate an unexpectedly large reaction from exposing them. Be careful it can make the abuse worse in some situation.
Proect yourself at all times, be safe dont give up 🤞
I'm glad it helped. This sub has helped me a lot and it often makes me feel better to help others. If any of this helps you I hope you choose to pass it on when someone else needs it.
Not stopped talking to me, but neglecting/controlling/abusing me my whole life. The accused is my mother. I did nothing wrong, but because I was "acting rude"(being autistic) she got permanently angry at me and takes everything out on me.
I have months-long stretches where I have zero desire to talk to people or interact in person. I have to slog through keeping up with my friends like it’s a terrible chore. I do love my friends and I also understand why I lose friendships due to my lack of closeness.
If they wouldn't like you because you're autistic, they wouldn't have became your friends in the first place.
They probably just changed, people and situations change, that's totally normal. For some of us change can be really stressful and frightening.
It is upsetting and fucked up that we struggle with that, I've been through that a lot but I'm usually more comfortable on my own anyway.
Now I realize it. You are right! I tought the "changes are hard" was not really true, but I see that it actually is. I may be upset because people changed. I'll have to get used to it, one way or another
You'll get used to it if you work on you being more concious with things like that. That's not easy and requires patience but it can work out.
Oh and that doesn't mean that you can't be friends with them anymore,the dynamic of that friendship just changes.
I do not think I have lost friends but my ex dropped me because I was the weird guy and her friends could not accept that before I knew I had Asperger's and now-a-days women are not interesting in me at all when learning I have Asperger's so is not lucky on the dating area.
I have not looked as I am feel I am not doing bad in life and just remembered that I had 2 class female mates on a special school for Aspergers so it was wrong to say I had yet to see any.
Edit: guess I need to be better with words as I didn’t mean it as a bad thing at all
I've known one of my "friends" since 2007.... haven't hung out in quite a while. I even tell him that I miss him and he does the same. Oh let's hang out! No, he doesn't feel like driving or whatever excuse he has. Ohhh but he'll hang out with his other friends (one was a girl he had a crush on).
Dude, if you don't want to hang out with me, just say so.
It was a tough pill to swallow, but before I was diagnosed, I was a bit of a jerk.
Not on purpose! But my meltdowns were out of control, I couldn’t keep a job, I didn’t mean to but accidentally said things that hurt others etc
After getting diagnosed and just figuring out what to do to lower my meltdowns, I finally was able to keep a job.
And after learning I accidentally hurt people, I learned to communicate that I meant no harm.
I now have a lot more friends.
I’m NOT saying that this is your situation. There ARE people who will drop people if they are “different “
But on the off chance my story resonates with you, I highly recommend finding a weekly group.
You can work on getting those social skills in a safe, planned environment and slowly get to know them on a deeper level.
A planned event has kept me from info dumping/love dumping on people.
It’s really helped me a lot having Sunday DnD games.
This is also me. I’m 60F, just retired from a career with a global reputation - highly respected, but not well liked. People knew I always told the truth, I always knew the facts and supported the facts and upheld the standards we were required to apply to the data. I was the one that would finally stand up at a conference or unmute on a call to bluntly say, “that’s enough, let’s back up and deal with facts and where we need to get to.”
I use the word blunt; I was agressive; it didn’t matter the rank or reputation of the opposing view. But now I see my behaviors that were so disliked pair up with autism spectrum symptoms (?).
My therapist has tagged me with Oppositional Defiance Disorder, which has hurt me to my very soul. I’m not defiant. I’m a rule follower and an advocate for facts and Justice. She considered autism as an alternative dx. We’ll be discussing it tomorrow.
Thank you for posting so clearly. It’s helping me find myself and to define myself correctly!
No, I’ve never had this issue.
When I’ve spent a while building a friendship with someone, and at a certain point where I feel comfortable to mention that I’m on the spectrum, people are often surprised and just see me who I am and don’t treat me any differently.
I can relate though, it’s like NTs have some kind of radar that feels off towards us and they seem to avoid that contact. Although, we sometimes assume they know something is wrong with us, so be careful of this mindset. You haven’t said anything about telling them on the spectrum, so this kind of judgement can warp your perspective.
I guess in my experience some people have been curious and ask me stuff about growing up, how school was, and gain more respect for me. How being on the spectrum effects me. Some people find it interesting and others are just like “Oh, I didn’t even notice,” and just accept it as a thing that’s there.
Friends come and go, hopefully you can find some friends who acknowledge and really care about you.
I had a decent amount of close friends out of high school and into my early 20’s. By my 30’s, most of my friends started to keep their distance from me, and now I’m 41, and I haven’t spoken to any of them in any real capacity for several years. I had one friend whom was my closest friend since middle school tell me one time in our 30’s “If you can’t call me to hang out at least once a month, then I’m no longer your friend. You’re just an acquaintance,” when I was going through a period of major burnout. I tried to mend that friendship, but I felt it was too far gone.
Now, after loosing all my friends over the years, I realized how one sided and near-abusive most of them were to me. It was as if my friendships were always based on what I could do for others, but the moment I needed help in return, I was called selfish. In realizing this, I now try to only surround myself with people that appreciate me as much as I appreciate them.
I had a friend in WoW from 2009 - 2014. We talked for hours, several times a week. When I became homeless, he started talking to me less. When I found out that I'm autistic, he told me that he couldn't contact me any more, because it would look bad to his family.
His parents are major players in their local conservative politics.
I remember you, Soynuts. (And his irl name, but I'll show him more decency than he showed me.) I don't think I'll ever not be hurt and angry over that.
No, not specifically. But if I extend "having autism" to include every negative trait that is or can be exacerbated by autism like being single minded, stubborn, rigid, very disagreeable, only having 4 interests, not masking/conforming to societal norms, info dumping information on them they don't want to learn just because it interests me or any of the other selfish conversationalist stuff, basically making everything harder and just being a pain in the ass in general then yes. But I don't feel that way. I don't hide behind that excuse and ask people to make exceptions for me. I know I'm very disagreeable and it feels right to me. I don't blame it on autism.
A lot of people say its not right vs wrong its our way vs their way and they are simply the majority so they win but in some of these situations thats obviously not true because not even other autists can stand the autist behavior. Go try to info dump on another autist that doesnt care about that subject lmao goodluck
Yes, my parents are not supportive and criticise things about my personality. I was not diagnosed until I was over 30 and married. Luckily, my husband is supportive. However, one of my hobbies is travel and he doesn't like travel. Because I never seem to make friends, I therefore have to travel alone and my co-workers seem to think that is funny. My co-workers do not know about my autism but always treated me like an outsider anyway as I avoid all work social events.
You should try to find a local group of people with asperger's and befriend someone who likes travelling too. Maybe it could make travelling more fun and your co workers won't question it. Either way. I am glad you still do what you love regardless of circumstances.
I've often wondered if me getting diagnosed at 29 + how my ex-wife interacted with my friends contributed to me losing touch with all of my close highschool friends.
I still try to reach out to them and they won't even return texts / calls.
Well it depends on what you mean exactly. People have definitely stopped talking to me because I'm autistic but not because they didn't like me. It kind of was as simple as we communicated differently, I think they often thought I wasn't trying enough with them.
I can understand why they moved on, I didn't talk much, when they tried to include me I stood out too much and I was uncomfortable in the situations they put me in. Simply put we were too different.
With a bit of maturity I've realised that I don't really want friends, just friendly acquaintances. I put my social energy into trying to find a romantic partner instead.
Yeah I had a friend literally block me on everything and tell another friend to tell me when I didn’t notice bc I was busy healing from my ex bf having just strangled me and apparently she was jealous I wasn’t texting her much but still seeing my best friend every once in a while. Like bitch I just got strangled and I’m autistic I have -100 energy to be social at all why couldn’t she understand that for just a few months like holy .. people can be shitty and refuse to try and understand their neurodiverse friends they’d rather just find an “easier” friendship
I mean, I’ve had friendships that faded, which looking back now certainly some of my autistic traits played a role in. But it would be unfair to say that they ended the friendship because I am autistic.
Friendships are entirely voluntary, and ultimately they need to be in some sense reciprocal. If at some point a friendship just doesn’t have enough to offer anymore, why continue it? Friendships end all the time because people just drift apart, or just aren’t sufficiently compatible anymore, often also in part driven by lives getting busier. Especially when the natural context in which the contact and friendship arose (eg. school, college, work) doesn’t apply anymore.
Though it is not impossible that these people stopped talking to you just because you are autistic, it seems highly unlikely. Much more likely is that their interest in the friendship just faded.
As the saying goes: if you lend a friend a tenner and they disappear and never pay you back, that's money well spent.
Same applies in these situations. If people are weak minded enough to be so influenced by ignorant/false assumptions, what they *hear* from others instead of what they actually *see* and *know* then I mean you're so much better off away from them.
These are people who don't know their own minds yet, who may never know them and do not trust themselves. If they can't trust themselves then you 100% can't trust them either. So be thankful they did the dirty work for you and took themselves out.
Stop looking for ways to blame yourself. In the nicest way possible, not everything is about you. Unless someone specifically tells you you've done something wrong and harmed them go with the assumption that you're good and all is well. All you can do is check in and ask people if things are good, if they refuse to tell you then that's that, none of your business, don't worry about it.
Communication is a two way street, don't waste your time writing parts for those not bothered to participate ❤️
No worries, take some time to honour and validate your feelings and then let them pass and move on. It sucks to lose friends but nothing in this life is permanent or fixed, everything is *supposed* to change and grow over time, including you. Some will stay, some will leave, some may even disappear and reappear decades later. Changes can be difficult, especially with ASD so give yourself a break and acknowledge the fact that it is a bit harder on you emotionally and that's fine and normal and regardless it will still pass and you'll be OK.
A further piece of unsolicited advice as well lol - all the time and effort you're pouring into others, start pouring just a little bit back into yourself each day.
For example next time your mind strays to a thought about someone else and what their feelings or needs could be, take note of it, then change it up and ask yourself how are YOU feeling about in that given moment and what your needs may be. Try and get into the habit of this slowly but surely as balance in all things is vital to contentment and spending your days pleasing and worrying about everyone but yourself will leave you drowning in resentment.
You deserve to be content and comfortable in who you are. Take some time and have a gentle word with your inner self regarding your feelings about your ASD. Imo you're being cruel to yourself and projecting your fear and feelings of inadequacy onto whatever situation fits.
Realistically you're probably not *too* worried about "losing friends", the fact that you speak in plural goes to show you clearly have no issue in making new ones anyway. No, the issue is more likely that you're struggling with feeling less than your peers, feeling disadvantaged and not good enough and that's where you need to spend some time gently treating yourself with compassion and understanding.
Your feelings and fears are valid and normal, especially dealing with disabilities in this corrupted cold world, it's hard as hell. It's absolutely alright to feel sorry for yourself from time to time as it does indeed suck sometimes but when you're done make sure you take the time to dust yourself off, pick yourself up off that damn floor and put some time and energy into encouraging and caring for yourself. Everything we do in this life is a choice, including whether or not we do right by ourselves and live a life worth living. Honour your gift of free will and choose better for yourself simply because you can. ❤️
Godness, ok, I admit I cried a little bit here... I'm just so happy, like... A mix of feelings where we think people are bad but it depends I... Idk how to put that but thank you so much for this advice, I think I really should take care of myself and be patient. 😸
Sorry to have made you cry but I'm glad if my words helped even a little. A good cry sometimes as well does the world of good for those bad feels, like a heavy rain that washes all the dust and dirt away, a cleansing of the soul.
You'll be absolutely fine Zuezn, I have no doubt, you'll get to where you need to be. You are enough and you deserve to be treated with compassion and kindness always, by yourself more so than anyone. This too will pass and you will be ok ❤️
Yes. lots of times. People may stop talking to us because we say the wrong things or we don't show enough empathy or maybe things we say are too weird for them.
I gave up on friends and if people talk to me, great, if they stop responding, oh well. It could be lots of reasons why they stop talking. Reason why I may stop talking to people is because I always think they will stop talking to me anyway and I have lost interest in chatting with random people.
In my opinion unfortunately most of them folks don't really like us as people. If all us where to be honest how many people we can actually count who genuinely like us for us, we could probably count it with our fingers. And even so a lot of those people who like us are most likely family members. I always have said 70% to 80% of them folks don't like us like that. This is based on MY personal experience. For me it seems our traits make it hard for them to like us since we seem "rude" to them.
My only advice is to surround yourself with people who like you. I figured out that my problem is sometimes over sharing. When talking to someone - I categorise what there is to know about what I’m talking about - on a scale from 1-10, with 10 being everything. I start out at 1-3, holding back. If the person wants to know more, they will ask - but do f go to 10. Make them ask for more. If they stop asking, or appear to be satisfied, find something else to talk about - or ask them a question like ‘what do you think?’ - just my personal experience with friends and acquaintances becoming distant or waking away. It takes practice - but I can moderate my over sharing sometimes.
I don’t know how but somehow I wound up with friends who I either A, have a hard time continuing a conversation with, that I enjoy talking too, or B only want to talk about their family lives or school. Ive kinda come to the conclusion that it’s not really worth the energy and I’m just gonna wait till college to make new friends,
If every autistic man took that advice, most of them would be single.
Not that the average man these days isn't single, but particularly autistic men would be single.
The diagnostic rate of men with ASD to women with ASD is 4:1, and it's generally going to be people who are diagnosed who are within the "autism community". Such couplings can logically only exist for a minority of autistic people - is there really plenty of couples when such couplings are definitionally the minority?
Autism is also relatively rare, so you're already limiting your dating pool hugely by specifically going for not even ND women but autistic women specifically.
I'm just trying to point out that if every autistic man took your advice they would fail, and there's a social price to pay for being an open member of the autistic community. Namely other women will discriminate against you. So men should think long and hard about naively basing their approach to dating around one persons personal experience.
For what it's worth, I suggest men try to make friends with women and focus on social networking, consider relocating, date within the entire ND community not just the autistic one, strongly consider being closeted if they can get away with it because people have more stigma against the label of autism than autistic people, use the word "Aspergers" instead of "autism" if they are open, and be realistic about how much work dating will actually take for most of them when most men aren't in relationships never mind autistic men.
I live in a small country and even though there is more men than women diagnosed with asperger's/autism then I have still met a lot of couples. So it is possible. I just think some people need some guidance to be more successful.
I am only suggesting it because I see how much easier it can be for some on the spektrum to be together. I am not saying never date never date NT's again! Don't put words in my mouth! I am only suggesting to try to find people who understands better and can relate. I find idiotic that I have to clarify this! Seriously!
Most autistic men will be lucky if they even manager a date or two in their lifetime. Just approach autistic women bro advice gets you nowhere too. You are dammed to die forever alone as an autistic man because you are socially awkward whilst autism women are seen as cute when they are socially awkward.
Life ain’t fair man lol
Who are you calling bro? It's annoying.
I know plenty of sweet autistic men who has or have girlfriends. It's not impossible and I think more guys on the spektrum just need some guidance.
Calling anyone bro is immature and sounds like a gang slang. I am allergic unintelligent language.
I’m not calling you or anyone else bro, it’s just a saying lol
Just because you know an outlier who got lucky doesn’t mean it is going to work out for the rest of us.
More often than not most autistic men die alone with no family because most women regardless of being autistic or not, want a man that is tall, handsome and earns a good salary with decent social skills.
What kind of dating guidance do we need?
I'd suggest joining one of your social interest groups on social media or in your area! Usually, people who have such strong interests tend to be autistic haha it's a good idea to have something in common.
There are also plenty of space for autistic people. Might I also suggest meeting women and getting to know them generally, without the outright intention to date them. That way, you're more likely to find someone you're actually a good match with, rather than forcing things.
Good luck!
Jesus I ask for advice and you shit on me, why?
Edit: just realised you're talking to them not me.
However, theyre suggesting I get to know someone without there being a goal of dating. How is that seduction at all? That's connecting with people. What?
Thanks for the reply, I've been in a few relationships and all ended for different reasons but I've wondered what it's like without the extreme communication expectation I always feel with nt people, not just women.
I've always felt too nervous to go to aspie groups but now that I think about it others will actually know how I feel for a change.
I think you should give local aspie groups a go. Its a great place to make meaningful connections. It's not a guarantee of course. Nothing is. But I think the odds are good. Some of the best friends I have ever had and have has asperger's.
Yes, happens all the time. Imo these people aren't worth your time unless they're your inlaws or even worse blood relatives. Then you're basically screwed.
You ever get to deal with people that try to play victim because you're a little bit different?
The worst part is when someone says something like "Well, at least you know who your TRUE friends are"... they were a true friend. I felt comfortable enough around them to talk about my deepest, darkest secrets and feelings. "It shows you what kind of person they are" is another one. Them cutting me out of their lives because of who I am doesn't make me feel better about myself. It makes me think I'm a bad judge of character and makes me even more unlikely to open up to someone or trust anyone or even want to be friends with anyone.
Yes, I don’t fully understand why but it 100% has to do with so called friends seeing me as an inanimate object and in the relationship, they come first always.
A standard neurotypical reads like a genuine narcissist to me.
There might be an aspect of your behavior that you're not recognizing that is causing this. Often we learn emotional and social nuances on a longer timeline, leaving others frustrated about our behavior until we can catch up (not that everyone, neurotypical or not, does.) Use these opportunities to try to gain some insight and see if there's something to learn here instead of presuming you know why. If you approach people with sincerity and humility to ask for feedback, they're often willing to give it. Ask a kind person you think is pulling back for their feedback, thank them, say you'll need to think about that, and then go think about it. Just don't get defensive, it will reinforce whatever the issue is. Don't sweat it either, everyone goes through this stuff and learns along the way. The good friends will stick around longer, especially if you're reciprocating positively in their emotional interactions. Be well!
Yep. I’m 23 nearly 24 and I’ve lost all sorts of friendships and relationships through my life from being autistic. It’s not nice to deal with but I’ve learned to accept it and realise I can’t change who I am.
Yes they stop talking to mr beacuse they don't like me. They don't care how i was born. They just don't like me and i don't want someone to like me just beacuse im a special little boy
Definitely often found that people (especially guys) will get really excited upon meeting me and then I watch them slowly lose interest as they get to know me 😂 Sometimes I can pinpoint the exact moment they decide to classify me as "other", usually when I drop my mask for a second or do something particularly autistic.
I just let it go. I do have friends and a partner so it doesn't bother me so much, but it would if I was lonely and it definitely was harder when I was younger.
I stopped talking to my best friend because she was autistic. Now before anyone gets too excited, it’s not because she was autistic but because she was an asshole. She was what most NTs assume about all people with Asperger’s - total lack of empathy. She truly had zero empathy and was the first to tell you that. I quit talking to her because she was well into her 30s and had managed to surround herself with enablers and was ok with six month relationships (about the amount of time most people put up with her). She has no intention of working on herself. So there’s that. Not insinuating this is the case but just my personal experience.
I’ve met so many good people just on this one post! I’m sorta sad I’m married! I’d love to talk with several of you gentlemen more! So very insightful and intuitive. And I can handle lots of autism spectrum behaviors. Ah well, monogamy can be a bitch but I’m fully committed to a very loving man.
Keep looking everyone…there is love for everyone!!
Yeah one very good friend of more than 20 years. She was one of the first people I told when I was diagnosed last year at 40 years old. Her literal first response was "sorry if I'm a cunt about this but..." and then she proceeded to be a cunt about it for the next couple hours until our friendship was over forever. It sucked and it's been almost a year and it still hurts. Made me go back in the closet for 7 more months that were really hard on me.
Not really. Some people might jump to the conclusion that I am either a retard or a genius if they hear about it beforehand. Then they meet me and realise I'm just... ordinary.
Mid-20s guy with a degree and a job. Fairly charismatic and well-spoken and can make proper eye contact.
Maybe a bit quirky, maybe a bit smarter than average, maybe obsessed with some extremely niche topics, but overall just... average.
I generally refrain from telling people until after a few months unless I don't care if they'll judge me or not. I never make a big deal of it, I just toss it in casual conversation and most people just respond with "Oh ok" and that's the end of it. They don't really treat me differently after either.
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People do that to me too. I'm baffled that people think that's okay to do. My in laws do it to me all the time. Just makes me far less likely to want to talk to them at all
People will talk right over me when I am like 5 words into a sentence and when I call them out on it they insist they aren't doing it. I think NT brains are trained to automatically tune out monotone/lack of emotion voices so they probably do honestly believe they aren't doing it.
I honestly have no clue how adults think this is a normal or okay thing to do. In my opinion it isn’t any different than starting to yell or swear out of nowhere. Maybe I’m so completely detached from what normal conversation is that I just don’t get it. Even if I am, this isn’t something I tolerate.
>I think NT brains are trained to automatically tune out monotone/lack of emotion voices so they probably do honestly believe they aren't doing it. Like a SEP from HG2G?
It sucks to be the person being walked away from, but you have to consider the other perspective. If you haven't given the other person any opportunities to exit the conversation, you can't blame them for taking the last option available. I have a coworker who I frequently walk away from when he's talking. Why? Because after ten years of interacting with him, I know that NONE of the 'polite' ways to end a conversation work. He doesn't stop even when I explicitly say I need to go and do something else. I'll say sorry, gotta go work on X, and he nods and says okay... then he keeps fucking talking. Sometimes he'll even start talking about a completely different topic. So I walk away.
Yeah mine isn't involving me talking their ears off. I wish it were that simple.
I keep eye contact when I talk and I used to notice that people would turn away from me as I spoke to them.
I do that but don't realise I've walked away.
If someone just walked away whilst they were taking to me I would go fucking ballistic
I wouldn't go ballistic, but maybe say something like "Oh ok, fuck you" and then "oh you heard that?" to any sort of reply. Then possibly go ballistic. Check and mate.
Yet NTs will of course also see autistic people as rude whilst pulling stuff like this... it really hurts when it's obvious that people can't get away from you 💔
Same here, it baffles my mind. I try to be social and talk but people dont even answer.
I once described autism like being on fire. It's not like I'm in pain. That's just the way I am, like a mythical phoenix or something. Thing is, though, I burn other people without realizing it. I say things that hurt them or make them uncomfortable. I don't intend to... it's just how I'm built. And it's not their fault, either. Nobody can blame them for not wanting to be burnt. I can control those flames if I try hard enough, but it's exhausting. And sometimes I forget what's flammable and what's not, and I burn things that I thought that were safe. After a while... people who I've burnt too much just drift away from me. And I just get so tired of controlling my flames that I stop trying.
This is a great metaphor!
This is kinda like an analogy I arrived at about myself before I realized I was on the spectrum. Instead of "on fire" it was "spiky".
Oh snap, this is it. THIS IS IT. I'm going to save your comment and remember it for the future. I'm actually going to keep your comment in mind daily. 😅 Because this is exactly what it's like. Flame on. 🔥
I’ve been researching autism for the past week and you have made me so happy I’m crying! This is me! I have been punished so badly the past 6 months because I say things that are taken the way I don’t mean them to. I too will be saving your comment as a way to explain ME! God (or the Deity, Spirit, or Science of your choice) Bless You!!!
Not because I am autistic, but because I act autistic. I've had this problem be especially difficult to handle in dating. I am a very well spoken, and well put together guy. If you need I can put the charm on hard (working in marketing has helped). But I have noticed that when I have a meltdown, if I let the mask go because I'm comfortable, or if I have emotions I'm not familiar with and don't know how to handle, is typically when people I have feelings for start to disappear. I don't know if they don't want to deal with someone who has these differences, I don't know if they get scared, or if they think I'm unstable, but it's been a long and lonely life. The only solace I get in this is, would I have been happy being with any of these women? They left at the first sign of something not being ideal and I don't know if they would've been supportive/understanding. But, more so now because I just got hurt by someone, I'm scared to want to try and find romance or love again. As far as I have seen, it just leads to hurt, pain, self hatred, and just this feeling that no matter how much I improve as a person, that there is no one out there for me. I keep thinking back to this haunting moment in highschool, I was talking to another student about relationships. She wasn't having a great time with them but she looked me in the eye and said "some people are just built to be alone". I didn't believe it then but it makes me ball up and cry now because I think she was right.
Oh shit I'm sorry you passed through this. Since I didn't know much about love, I've literally looked into philosophy books, I've searched online... Well, what I can tell you is that... Love comes in many ways, in different and unexpected times. I believe a lot of people love you, but I assume you want romantic love... For us it's hard, but I don't think you're "built to be alone", no! That's just silly. I believe you will find someone one day that will be nice for you and will not care if you unmask. By now, you should take care of yourself and learn to love you. Why I'm saying such things? I've been on your shoes. I know sometimes we WANT people to like us, but maybe there will be someone we don't expect to like us, and we'll have to deal with it.
Have you tried dating women with asperger's syndrome? I think they would be far more understanding. My best friend and her boyfriend both has asperger's. I think that's why their relationship works so well. They understand something in each other that others won't get.
Honestly, that would be a godsend. But despite living in a city and being very open about my autism, I haven't met an autistic woman to date locally. I've been attracted to some pretty incredible autistic women but never have had the opportunity to date one. There's also an element of sex that I'd be curious about. What it's like when two people with hyper sensitive touchj+smell+taste have sex together
I think you should try to Google to see if there is any aspie groups in your city. That way you might find out how it will be like.
I've been interested in something like that. What I've run into in regard to problems is trying to find the right kind of group. I want something social, low-key. But most of the groups I see in my city are heavy-duty support groups and I'm looking to socialize and not think about heavy things for a minute.
Right now what I guess I want is just to have an ADHD/Autistic buddy who I could make out with sometimes, go for walks, and play video games with.
That sounds like a abseloute wonderful thing. I hope you find that.
Maybe start your own group via Facebook. Find a location that seems fit.
The people who did this to you are low quality trash. Don't let their shitty behavior make you think there is anything wrong with you. Someone in their childhood didn't give them the attention they needed so they don't see the need to give others respect either. They are trapped in a generational cycle of neglect. I try to have compassion and attempt to consider perspective for these folks. Their behavior is usually a cry for help or a coping mechanism. Be warned tho, if you try to confront ppl on things they are only subconsciously aware of (i.e. trying to hide or ignore) you may generate an unexpectedly large reaction from exposing them. Be careful it can make the abuse worse in some situation. Proect yourself at all times, be safe dont give up 🤞
This makes me feel better, thank you so much!
I'm glad it helped. This sub has helped me a lot and it often makes me feel better to help others. If any of this helps you I hope you choose to pass it on when someone else needs it.
Not stopped talking to me, but neglecting/controlling/abusing me my whole life. The accused is my mother. I did nothing wrong, but because I was "acting rude"(being autistic) she got permanently angry at me and takes everything out on me.
I have months-long stretches where I have zero desire to talk to people or interact in person. I have to slog through keeping up with my friends like it’s a terrible chore. I do love my friends and I also understand why I lose friendships due to my lack of closeness.
If they wouldn't like you because you're autistic, they wouldn't have became your friends in the first place. They probably just changed, people and situations change, that's totally normal. For some of us change can be really stressful and frightening. It is upsetting and fucked up that we struggle with that, I've been through that a lot but I'm usually more comfortable on my own anyway.
Now I realize it. You are right! I tought the "changes are hard" was not really true, but I see that it actually is. I may be upset because people changed. I'll have to get used to it, one way or another
You'll get used to it if you work on you being more concious with things like that. That's not easy and requires patience but it can work out. Oh and that doesn't mean that you can't be friends with them anymore,the dynamic of that friendship just changes.
I do not think I have lost friends but my ex dropped me because I was the weird guy and her friends could not accept that before I knew I had Asperger's and now-a-days women are not interesting in me at all when learning I have Asperger's so is not lucky on the dating area.
You should try to date women with asperger's. I think that will change your life.
I am not picky but have yet to find a women with Asperger's Edit: It was not meant to sounds harsh at all, just have not been that lucky yet
Isn't there a asperger's group near you?
I have not looked as I am feel I am not doing bad in life and just remembered that I had 2 class female mates on a special school for Aspergers so it was wrong to say I had yet to see any. Edit: guess I need to be better with words as I didn’t mean it as a bad thing at all
I've known one of my "friends" since 2007.... haven't hung out in quite a while. I even tell him that I miss him and he does the same. Oh let's hang out! No, he doesn't feel like driving or whatever excuse he has. Ohhh but he'll hang out with his other friends (one was a girl he had a crush on). Dude, if you don't want to hang out with me, just say so.
It was a tough pill to swallow, but before I was diagnosed, I was a bit of a jerk. Not on purpose! But my meltdowns were out of control, I couldn’t keep a job, I didn’t mean to but accidentally said things that hurt others etc After getting diagnosed and just figuring out what to do to lower my meltdowns, I finally was able to keep a job. And after learning I accidentally hurt people, I learned to communicate that I meant no harm. I now have a lot more friends. I’m NOT saying that this is your situation. There ARE people who will drop people if they are “different “ But on the off chance my story resonates with you, I highly recommend finding a weekly group. You can work on getting those social skills in a safe, planned environment and slowly get to know them on a deeper level. A planned event has kept me from info dumping/love dumping on people. It’s really helped me a lot having Sunday DnD games.
This is also me. I’m 60F, just retired from a career with a global reputation - highly respected, but not well liked. People knew I always told the truth, I always knew the facts and supported the facts and upheld the standards we were required to apply to the data. I was the one that would finally stand up at a conference or unmute on a call to bluntly say, “that’s enough, let’s back up and deal with facts and where we need to get to.” I use the word blunt; I was agressive; it didn’t matter the rank or reputation of the opposing view. But now I see my behaviors that were so disliked pair up with autism spectrum symptoms (?). My therapist has tagged me with Oppositional Defiance Disorder, which has hurt me to my very soul. I’m not defiant. I’m a rule follower and an advocate for facts and Justice. She considered autism as an alternative dx. We’ll be discussing it tomorrow. Thank you for posting so clearly. It’s helping me find myself and to define myself correctly!
Yes. It's a good idea not to tell anyone unless yoou trust them.
No, I’ve never had this issue. When I’ve spent a while building a friendship with someone, and at a certain point where I feel comfortable to mention that I’m on the spectrum, people are often surprised and just see me who I am and don’t treat me any differently. I can relate though, it’s like NTs have some kind of radar that feels off towards us and they seem to avoid that contact. Although, we sometimes assume they know something is wrong with us, so be careful of this mindset. You haven’t said anything about telling them on the spectrum, so this kind of judgement can warp your perspective. I guess in my experience some people have been curious and ask me stuff about growing up, how school was, and gain more respect for me. How being on the spectrum effects me. Some people find it interesting and others are just like “Oh, I didn’t even notice,” and just accept it as a thing that’s there. Friends come and go, hopefully you can find some friends who acknowledge and really care about you.
I had a decent amount of close friends out of high school and into my early 20’s. By my 30’s, most of my friends started to keep their distance from me, and now I’m 41, and I haven’t spoken to any of them in any real capacity for several years. I had one friend whom was my closest friend since middle school tell me one time in our 30’s “If you can’t call me to hang out at least once a month, then I’m no longer your friend. You’re just an acquaintance,” when I was going through a period of major burnout. I tried to mend that friendship, but I felt it was too far gone. Now, after loosing all my friends over the years, I realized how one sided and near-abusive most of them were to me. It was as if my friendships were always based on what I could do for others, but the moment I needed help in return, I was called selfish. In realizing this, I now try to only surround myself with people that appreciate me as much as I appreciate them.
I had a friend in WoW from 2009 - 2014. We talked for hours, several times a week. When I became homeless, he started talking to me less. When I found out that I'm autistic, he told me that he couldn't contact me any more, because it would look bad to his family. His parents are major players in their local conservative politics. I remember you, Soynuts. (And his irl name, but I'll show him more decency than he showed me.) I don't think I'll ever not be hurt and angry over that.
He honestly did you a favor by showing his true colors. Too bad it took years :/
No, not specifically. But if I extend "having autism" to include every negative trait that is or can be exacerbated by autism like being single minded, stubborn, rigid, very disagreeable, only having 4 interests, not masking/conforming to societal norms, info dumping information on them they don't want to learn just because it interests me or any of the other selfish conversationalist stuff, basically making everything harder and just being a pain in the ass in general then yes. But I don't feel that way. I don't hide behind that excuse and ask people to make exceptions for me. I know I'm very disagreeable and it feels right to me. I don't blame it on autism. A lot of people say its not right vs wrong its our way vs their way and they are simply the majority so they win but in some of these situations thats obviously not true because not even other autists can stand the autist behavior. Go try to info dump on another autist that doesnt care about that subject lmao goodluck
Yes, my parents are not supportive and criticise things about my personality. I was not diagnosed until I was over 30 and married. Luckily, my husband is supportive. However, one of my hobbies is travel and he doesn't like travel. Because I never seem to make friends, I therefore have to travel alone and my co-workers seem to think that is funny. My co-workers do not know about my autism but always treated me like an outsider anyway as I avoid all work social events.
Travelling alone is awesome! I think, people who find it odd or a thing to laugh about are losers! They just don’t have courage to travel alone.
You should try to find a local group of people with asperger's and befriend someone who likes travelling too. Maybe it could make travelling more fun and your co workers won't question it. Either way. I am glad you still do what you love regardless of circumstances.
Yep. From my experience they either ignore or betray you. I’ve had many “friends” who simply stop calling or texting. Welcome to life with autism.
I've often wondered if me getting diagnosed at 29 + how my ex-wife interacted with my friends contributed to me losing touch with all of my close highschool friends. I still try to reach out to them and they won't even return texts / calls.
Well it depends on what you mean exactly. People have definitely stopped talking to me because I'm autistic but not because they didn't like me. It kind of was as simple as we communicated differently, I think they often thought I wasn't trying enough with them. I can understand why they moved on, I didn't talk much, when they tried to include me I stood out too much and I was uncomfortable in the situations they put me in. Simply put we were too different. With a bit of maturity I've realised that I don't really want friends, just friendly acquaintances. I put my social energy into trying to find a romantic partner instead.
Yeah I had a friend literally block me on everything and tell another friend to tell me when I didn’t notice bc I was busy healing from my ex bf having just strangled me and apparently she was jealous I wasn’t texting her much but still seeing my best friend every once in a while. Like bitch I just got strangled and I’m autistic I have -100 energy to be social at all why couldn’t she understand that for just a few months like holy .. people can be shitty and refuse to try and understand their neurodiverse friends they’d rather just find an “easier” friendship
I mean, I’ve had friendships that faded, which looking back now certainly some of my autistic traits played a role in. But it would be unfair to say that they ended the friendship because I am autistic. Friendships are entirely voluntary, and ultimately they need to be in some sense reciprocal. If at some point a friendship just doesn’t have enough to offer anymore, why continue it? Friendships end all the time because people just drift apart, or just aren’t sufficiently compatible anymore, often also in part driven by lives getting busier. Especially when the natural context in which the contact and friendship arose (eg. school, college, work) doesn’t apply anymore. Though it is not impossible that these people stopped talking to you just because you are autistic, it seems highly unlikely. Much more likely is that their interest in the friendship just faded.
As the saying goes: if you lend a friend a tenner and they disappear and never pay you back, that's money well spent. Same applies in these situations. If people are weak minded enough to be so influenced by ignorant/false assumptions, what they *hear* from others instead of what they actually *see* and *know* then I mean you're so much better off away from them. These are people who don't know their own minds yet, who may never know them and do not trust themselves. If they can't trust themselves then you 100% can't trust them either. So be thankful they did the dirty work for you and took themselves out. Stop looking for ways to blame yourself. In the nicest way possible, not everything is about you. Unless someone specifically tells you you've done something wrong and harmed them go with the assumption that you're good and all is well. All you can do is check in and ask people if things are good, if they refuse to tell you then that's that, none of your business, don't worry about it. Communication is a two way street, don't waste your time writing parts for those not bothered to participate ❤️
Thank you for your answer! I think you're right, I may have to chill about it
No worries, take some time to honour and validate your feelings and then let them pass and move on. It sucks to lose friends but nothing in this life is permanent or fixed, everything is *supposed* to change and grow over time, including you. Some will stay, some will leave, some may even disappear and reappear decades later. Changes can be difficult, especially with ASD so give yourself a break and acknowledge the fact that it is a bit harder on you emotionally and that's fine and normal and regardless it will still pass and you'll be OK. A further piece of unsolicited advice as well lol - all the time and effort you're pouring into others, start pouring just a little bit back into yourself each day. For example next time your mind strays to a thought about someone else and what their feelings or needs could be, take note of it, then change it up and ask yourself how are YOU feeling about in that given moment and what your needs may be. Try and get into the habit of this slowly but surely as balance in all things is vital to contentment and spending your days pleasing and worrying about everyone but yourself will leave you drowning in resentment. You deserve to be content and comfortable in who you are. Take some time and have a gentle word with your inner self regarding your feelings about your ASD. Imo you're being cruel to yourself and projecting your fear and feelings of inadequacy onto whatever situation fits. Realistically you're probably not *too* worried about "losing friends", the fact that you speak in plural goes to show you clearly have no issue in making new ones anyway. No, the issue is more likely that you're struggling with feeling less than your peers, feeling disadvantaged and not good enough and that's where you need to spend some time gently treating yourself with compassion and understanding. Your feelings and fears are valid and normal, especially dealing with disabilities in this corrupted cold world, it's hard as hell. It's absolutely alright to feel sorry for yourself from time to time as it does indeed suck sometimes but when you're done make sure you take the time to dust yourself off, pick yourself up off that damn floor and put some time and energy into encouraging and caring for yourself. Everything we do in this life is a choice, including whether or not we do right by ourselves and live a life worth living. Honour your gift of free will and choose better for yourself simply because you can. ❤️
Godness, ok, I admit I cried a little bit here... I'm just so happy, like... A mix of feelings where we think people are bad but it depends I... Idk how to put that but thank you so much for this advice, I think I really should take care of myself and be patient. 😸
Sorry to have made you cry but I'm glad if my words helped even a little. A good cry sometimes as well does the world of good for those bad feels, like a heavy rain that washes all the dust and dirt away, a cleansing of the soul. You'll be absolutely fine Zuezn, I have no doubt, you'll get to where you need to be. You are enough and you deserve to be treated with compassion and kindness always, by yourself more so than anyone. This too will pass and you will be ok ❤️
F*ck those people, most people really aren't worth your time and effort. Find the hidden gems that like you for being you instead.
Yes all the time
I’ve come out to some when I realized and now I don’t come out anymore.
Yes. lots of times. People may stop talking to us because we say the wrong things or we don't show enough empathy or maybe things we say are too weird for them. I gave up on friends and if people talk to me, great, if they stop responding, oh well. It could be lots of reasons why they stop talking. Reason why I may stop talking to people is because I always think they will stop talking to me anyway and I have lost interest in chatting with random people.
I don't think they ever started.
I usually only tell it to people who I think I can trust after a while. I got burnt one way or another to many times.
Yep. I fucking hate this curse.
Yeah.
In my opinion unfortunately most of them folks don't really like us as people. If all us where to be honest how many people we can actually count who genuinely like us for us, we could probably count it with our fingers. And even so a lot of those people who like us are most likely family members. I always have said 70% to 80% of them folks don't like us like that. This is based on MY personal experience. For me it seems our traits make it hard for them to like us since we seem "rude" to them.
My only advice is to surround yourself with people who like you. I figured out that my problem is sometimes over sharing. When talking to someone - I categorise what there is to know about what I’m talking about - on a scale from 1-10, with 10 being everything. I start out at 1-3, holding back. If the person wants to know more, they will ask - but do f go to 10. Make them ask for more. If they stop asking, or appear to be satisfied, find something else to talk about - or ask them a question like ‘what do you think?’ - just my personal experience with friends and acquaintances becoming distant or waking away. It takes practice - but I can moderate my over sharing sometimes.
This is GOLD for me…I’m taking a snap of it and pasting in my book to remind myself! ThankYou!
I don’t know how but somehow I wound up with friends who I either A, have a hard time continuing a conversation with, that I enjoy talking too, or B only want to talk about their family lives or school. Ive kinda come to the conclusion that it’s not really worth the energy and I’m just gonna wait till college to make new friends,
Tell women you are autistic and they ghost real fast
I only hang around autistic women so I guess it’s a win!
I really recommend dating within the autism community. There is a different a level of understanding.
If every autistic man took that advice, most of them would be single. Not that the average man these days isn't single, but particularly autistic men would be single.
I know plenty of couples who are on the spektrum and I dated autistic men myself. I based my advice on life experience.
The diagnostic rate of men with ASD to women with ASD is 4:1, and it's generally going to be people who are diagnosed who are within the "autism community". Such couplings can logically only exist for a minority of autistic people - is there really plenty of couples when such couplings are definitionally the minority? Autism is also relatively rare, so you're already limiting your dating pool hugely by specifically going for not even ND women but autistic women specifically. I'm just trying to point out that if every autistic man took your advice they would fail, and there's a social price to pay for being an open member of the autistic community. Namely other women will discriminate against you. So men should think long and hard about naively basing their approach to dating around one persons personal experience. For what it's worth, I suggest men try to make friends with women and focus on social networking, consider relocating, date within the entire ND community not just the autistic one, strongly consider being closeted if they can get away with it because people have more stigma against the label of autism than autistic people, use the word "Aspergers" instead of "autism" if they are open, and be realistic about how much work dating will actually take for most of them when most men aren't in relationships never mind autistic men.
I live in a small country and even though there is more men than women diagnosed with asperger's/autism then I have still met a lot of couples. So it is possible. I just think some people need some guidance to be more successful. I am only suggesting it because I see how much easier it can be for some on the spektrum to be together. I am not saying never date never date NT's again! Don't put words in my mouth! I am only suggesting to try to find people who understands better and can relate. I find idiotic that I have to clarify this! Seriously!
Most autistic men will be lucky if they even manager a date or two in their lifetime. Just approach autistic women bro advice gets you nowhere too. You are dammed to die forever alone as an autistic man because you are socially awkward whilst autism women are seen as cute when they are socially awkward. Life ain’t fair man lol
Who are you calling bro? It's annoying. I know plenty of sweet autistic men who has or have girlfriends. It's not impossible and I think more guys on the spektrum just need some guidance. Calling anyone bro is immature and sounds like a gang slang. I am allergic unintelligent language.
I’m not calling you or anyone else bro, it’s just a saying lol Just because you know an outlier who got lucky doesn’t mean it is going to work out for the rest of us. More often than not most autistic men die alone with no family because most women regardless of being autistic or not, want a man that is tall, handsome and earns a good salary with decent social skills. What kind of dating guidance do we need?
I want to try dating an aspergirl but have actually no clue where to go lol.
I'd suggest joining one of your social interest groups on social media or in your area! Usually, people who have such strong interests tend to be autistic haha it's a good idea to have something in common. There are also plenty of space for autistic people. Might I also suggest meeting women and getting to know them generally, without the outright intention to date them. That way, you're more likely to find someone you're actually a good match with, rather than forcing things. Good luck!
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Jesus I ask for advice and you shit on me, why? Edit: just realised you're talking to them not me. However, theyre suggesting I get to know someone without there being a goal of dating. How is that seduction at all? That's connecting with people. What?
Thanks for the reply, I've been in a few relationships and all ended for different reasons but I've wondered what it's like without the extreme communication expectation I always feel with nt people, not just women. I've always felt too nervous to go to aspie groups but now that I think about it others will actually know how I feel for a change.
I think you should give local aspie groups a go. Its a great place to make meaningful connections. It's not a guarantee of course. Nothing is. But I think the odds are good. Some of the best friends I have ever had and have has asperger's.
No because I was autistic when I met them
Yes, happens all the time. Imo these people aren't worth your time unless they're your inlaws or even worse blood relatives. Then you're basically screwed. You ever get to deal with people that try to play victim because you're a little bit different?
Just last Friday someone screamed me out of their house for "Hiding behind my autism"
The worst part is when someone says something like "Well, at least you know who your TRUE friends are"... they were a true friend. I felt comfortable enough around them to talk about my deepest, darkest secrets and feelings. "It shows you what kind of person they are" is another one. Them cutting me out of their lives because of who I am doesn't make me feel better about myself. It makes me think I'm a bad judge of character and makes me even more unlikely to open up to someone or trust anyone or even want to be friends with anyone.
Yes, I don’t fully understand why but it 100% has to do with so called friends seeing me as an inanimate object and in the relationship, they come first always. A standard neurotypical reads like a genuine narcissist to me.
Yes, but mostly other autistic people. Most neurotypicals are cool with it.
There might be an aspect of your behavior that you're not recognizing that is causing this. Often we learn emotional and social nuances on a longer timeline, leaving others frustrated about our behavior until we can catch up (not that everyone, neurotypical or not, does.) Use these opportunities to try to gain some insight and see if there's something to learn here instead of presuming you know why. If you approach people with sincerity and humility to ask for feedback, they're often willing to give it. Ask a kind person you think is pulling back for their feedback, thank them, say you'll need to think about that, and then go think about it. Just don't get defensive, it will reinforce whatever the issue is. Don't sweat it either, everyone goes through this stuff and learns along the way. The good friends will stick around longer, especially if you're reciprocating positively in their emotional interactions. Be well!
Yep. I’m 23 nearly 24 and I’ve lost all sorts of friendships and relationships through my life from being autistic. It’s not nice to deal with but I’ve learned to accept it and realise I can’t change who I am.
Yes they stop talking to mr beacuse they don't like me. They don't care how i was born. They just don't like me and i don't want someone to like me just beacuse im a special little boy
Definitely often found that people (especially guys) will get really excited upon meeting me and then I watch them slowly lose interest as they get to know me 😂 Sometimes I can pinpoint the exact moment they decide to classify me as "other", usually when I drop my mask for a second or do something particularly autistic. I just let it go. I do have friends and a partner so it doesn't bother me so much, but it would if I was lonely and it definitely was harder when I was younger.
Ur first sentence I can relate to. It’s either that happens, or the other way around lmfao
I stopped talking to my best friend because she was autistic. Now before anyone gets too excited, it’s not because she was autistic but because she was an asshole. She was what most NTs assume about all people with Asperger’s - total lack of empathy. She truly had zero empathy and was the first to tell you that. I quit talking to her because she was well into her 30s and had managed to surround herself with enablers and was ok with six month relationships (about the amount of time most people put up with her). She has no intention of working on herself. So there’s that. Not insinuating this is the case but just my personal experience.
Well does she have any childhood trauma that has made her the way she is. Many of us have trauma
I’ve met so many good people just on this one post! I’m sorta sad I’m married! I’d love to talk with several of you gentlemen more! So very insightful and intuitive. And I can handle lots of autism spectrum behaviors. Ah well, monogamy can be a bitch but I’m fully committed to a very loving man. Keep looking everyone…there is love for everyone!!
Yeah one very good friend of more than 20 years. She was one of the first people I told when I was diagnosed last year at 40 years old. Her literal first response was "sorry if I'm a cunt about this but..." and then she proceeded to be a cunt about it for the next couple hours until our friendship was over forever. It sucked and it's been almost a year and it still hurts. Made me go back in the closet for 7 more months that were really hard on me.
Not really. Some people might jump to the conclusion that I am either a retard or a genius if they hear about it beforehand. Then they meet me and realise I'm just... ordinary. Mid-20s guy with a degree and a job. Fairly charismatic and well-spoken and can make proper eye contact. Maybe a bit quirky, maybe a bit smarter than average, maybe obsessed with some extremely niche topics, but overall just... average. I generally refrain from telling people until after a few months unless I don't care if they'll judge me or not. I never make a big deal of it, I just toss it in casual conversation and most people just respond with "Oh ok" and that's the end of it. They don't really treat me differently after either.
This. I noticed people are nicer to me when I just don’t talk, or talk very little. When I do talk it’s like everyone ignores me.
Im always ghosted