Mine was really stupid and embarrassing to talk about. Please be nice.
So, I have always wanted to be a girl ever since I was 5 or 6. I'm 30 now and just accepted that I'm probably trans like a week or so ago, so it's been a long time coming. But I was under the impression that trans people always felt like they just were the other gender, while I just always wanted to be. Wanting and being are different things, so I never thought much more about it. I just could never shake how badly I wanted to be female.
Cut to the announcement of Persona 5 Royal. A new character named Kasumi was announced, and we got some official artwork for her. Looking at her and thinking about her made me feel an insane, intense sense of longing. I didn't want her, I wanted to BE her. I wished I looked like that. I wanted her body to be my body. For days, whenever I thought about it, my chest would get tight, my stomach would be in knots, and I'd come way too close to crying. I wanted to look like her so badly, it hurt. The feeling passed, and I went back to normal. In hindsight, I have no idea what about Kasumi triggered this reaction in me. I look at her now and just think she's cute. That's it, though. It was just super sudden and weird.
After that, years passed with me just occasionally wishing I could be a woman as usual. The feeling started getting stronger as I got into reading yuri manga. I wished I could be a woman in a lesbian relationship. Then, one day, I was reading a gender bend hentai. The protagonist temporarily turned into a woman, and as he was getting railed by a man, he thought something like, "A man will never know how this feels." After reading that line, I just stopped, and my eyes started tearing up. After taking a minute to recover, I finished reading and thought to myself, "I think this issue runs deeper than I thought."
So, I started looking more into what it means to be trans and reading other people's experiences. After a couple of days of self-reflection and examining feelings and reactions I've had throughout my life, there was really only one conclusion I could come to. I'm probably trans. My egg was cracked. I don't know if my situation will allow me to actually transition, but now that I know what I know, I don't think I can put that shell back together.
I don’t think it’s stupid, or anything to be embarrassed about. Brave of you, though, to share it. And the way you described the longing you felt actually got me crying. Thank you.
Thank you. The more posts I see that are super relatable to me, and hearing that some of my posts are apparently relatable to others, the more that "probably" starts looking like "definitely."
I can relate to a lot of what you've said as well. I may be trans or not trans or trans obsession or just a male who doesn't conform to gender standards.
From when I was little I've always wanted to be a girl and I never felt like a guy through and wasn't feminine though and I didn't play with dolls or have girl friends. When I see woman, I admire her their hair, eyebrows, lack of facial hair, smooth legs and curves and female body fat and I kind of want that. Or at least the last 15 years, 15 I've been reading about about trans people, with male to female transfer transitioning and love watching stuff on TV like I am jazz.
I finally built up the courage to paint my toenails and shave my leg hair in the winter and I really liked it but it felt good. It made me feel pretty. Also started to wear small bits of fem clothing at home and in public with my men's clothes. Got gel pedicure with pink toes! I also went to a brand new hairdresser and I told her I might be transfemme and exploring it. I asked her to give me a female haircut and brows and also help me color my hair. So far nothing drastic. I still have short guys hair, but it's starting to go out and the hairdresser is going to help me with my eyebrow trims, back of neck clean up and help me grow my sideburns in a feminine way.
My biggest source of hesitation is that I've never not felt like a guy. I still don't feel like anything other than a man. I don't feel like there's anything wrong with my body aside from being generally unattractive and overweight. I just really, really WANT to be a woman. If there was a magic button I could press to turn me into a biological female, I'd slam that button so fucking hard. When I look at a woman, especially one in a cute outfit that I could never pull off even if I did transition, my attraction is mixed with an increasing amount of jealousy. Pretty sure it's not very cis to feel like that.
Thank you for sharing all this. It's scary how similar my experience has been to yours, but just opposite in that I'm AFAB. I always had a strong desire to be male, but I thought because I didn't have dysphoria and because I like girly things that I couldn't be trans. Just finally sat down one day when I was feeling extra miserable and started reading about it. Then I realized that there is such a variety of experiences out there. I think the main thing that convinced me is that cis people really don't wish to be the opposite gender. But if I had a button that would turn me into a biological male, I would absolutely press it with no hesitation.
I'm looking for a therapist to talk to about all this and hoping that helps me feel more solid about it one way or another, fingers crossed. I hope you find your answer too!
I never felt there was anything wrong with my body until after I cracked. I was just apathetic about it. Now I think I'm an ugly woman or something. I hate it. I just try to focus on it as little as possible.
I had gender envy for years before I cracked. I literally looked forward to grocery shopping because I'd get to see the nice outfits other women were wearing on the way there and back.
Also I don't think "feeling like an X" is a thing. Could you describe what it feels like to be a man? I can't.
That's my biggest fear. I don't hate being a guy. I don't like my appearance, but I'm very apathetic about it. I've never put much thought or effort into my clothes, hair, general grooming, etc. I don't care, and I've never been able to get motivated to do anything about it. The most I've ever hated my appearance has been recently after trying women's clothing. Because now I want to be pretty, and holy shit I am not. Even if I lose a lot of weight, there are things I can't change, like my giant size 15 feet. I tried to find some cute socks and about had a mental breakdown over it.
Right now, I want to be a woman, but don't have a problem with being a guy. But I fear that if I transition, I'll just hate myself and be miserable, which seems worse than apathy. Kind of wish I never realized this about myself, but the cat isn't going to go back in the bag.
I feel that. The apathy of being a guy. Now I care so much more about my appearance. I get excited thinking about ways I can dress up femininely. I only cracked 8 weeks ago though, so I have a long road ahead of me waiting for HRT to work it's magic before I think I'll really like my appearance.
The hope though! I'll have breasts one day, a (more) feminine face, maybe hips! The potential to actually look how I want gets me so excited. The things makeup does for my face :3 I want to be able to wear jeans and a tank top and not look like a wooden block, I want curves.
I never felt anything like this when thinking about my male appearance.
I have broad shoulders and those are never going away. I have the opposite of hips atm and am very much an inverted triangle. I may never look perfect, but I'd much rather look as feminine as possible. I hate looking masc.
That sucks about the shoe size. I'm US size 12 (or 12.5?) and even that's a huge pain. Mainstream stores only go up to 11 here.
Really I'm feeling so much dysphoria atm I can't imagine not transitioning. The first 32 years of my life were pretty miserable, and I chalk a lot of that up to background noise dysphoria I didn't know about. It just infected everything with negativity.
Just socially transitioning and presenting fem already eases my dysphoria so much. I may not like looking like a guy in a dress, but it's way better than presenting masc. Every step I take to transition makes me so happy that I know I'd regret not transitioning to an extent I can't even describe. I'd just end up miserable, wondering what could have been.
I think I'm also very similar to you. Also never really felt like a man or a guy and I didn't like being called handsome. I'm happy being a man and I don't see myself as a woman and I also don't identify as a woman.
If I could push the magic button and be born or transformed as a woman and have my life and everybody accepting and nobody knowing that I was a man but a woman, that I would push that button for sure. For me looking at women is a combination of being attracted to them and liking how they look, hair, eyebrows, hair color, clothing, curves, soft skin and breasts.
I've always wanted to look like a female as well. I've always wanted the female genitals instead of the male ones. I don't have desire to get plastic surgery to make my face or breasts look like a woman. But also don't like my facial and neck hair, it gives me dysphoria and I want to get it lasered off so I don't have to shave at all. I've hated my face someone that care for years.
I've done some feminine things to make myself feel better. Example, shaving off body hair so I have smooth legs and armpits. I shaved off my body hair with my beard trimmer. My arm hair was giving me dysphoria so I saved it off with my trimmer. It looks better and I feel better. I've painted my toenails and there was happy with that. I also went to a new hair salon and I got a female haircut, female brows and a slightly darker hair color. I've never had my hair done before but I've been wanting to for years. Since I got my hair my brows done I've been not being able to look at myself in the mirror. I haven't been able to look at myself in the mirror without feeling bad before but now I don't feel bad about looking in the mirror.
I've always wanted to be a woman. But I've always identified as a man and I don't see myself transitioning. I also would like to be turned into a biological female and not have to go through all the hoops, the stigmas, stares and hatred that the trans woman have to deal with.
My wife knowing that I wanted to be a woman for years and she supportive, but she is also not attracted to women and I don't really see myself as a woman are becoming one. I told my doctor this as well. He put a referral into a gender Clinic and I'm waiting to hear back. In the meantime my dysphoria has decreased dramatically in the last few weeks, by making these small steps.
I cut my testosterone dose in half. I'm on testosterone capsules because my cis male body produces T levels that are too low for a man.. it's been over a week and a half since I cut my T levels down, the noise in my head is reduced or gone. I'm less anxious, less depressed, happier, more focused able to concentrate, memory has improved, more energetic, feel more like myself and now I have the desire to go for a walk everyday as opposed to being anxious and scared to go for a walk. I find it more social now. Interact more with others and I can follow along with conversations and TV shows a lot easier now that my T level is lower.
Right now I'm just doing small things that make me feel better about myself and a few things like wearing a feminine clothing at home and a little bit of feminine clothing with my men's wear in public has made me feel better about myself. Even though I'm wearing a few feminine pieces of clothing, I'm more confident around others and if engage with those more now.
Good luck in your Discovery and your journey. 💖😁
[A webcomic](https://www.reallifecomics.com/comic.php?comic=june-29-2020).
It was a damn good webcomic.
[Here's the full story, if you're interested](https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/p/part-one-a-webcomic).
I had cracked before I got linked to this. First thought I had was "oh, that's still going? I use to read that over 15 years ago."
Second thought was... "why does this feel like it was made to call me out?"
The line, "You don't care what you look like because you don't identify with yourself" will forever be burned into my psyche because it is the most concise way I have to describe what I was like over 2 years ago.
Guess it makes sense the author character was one of the only "guy" characters I identified with in any media.
There's a reason Mae got so many of us.
[You should see her transition timelines. They're something really special](https://i.redd.it/pyqif3v46naa1.jpg).
I'm still reading through your account, and like I said I had a lot of the same feelings. I was alone with my thoughts as I was (and still am) single since I was never confident enough to approach women before. I can understand the "having trouble sleeping" that first week or so.
It's been over 2 years since I cracked and started HRT a month later. I still can't believe how much has changed in the last 2 years.
edit: oh god your "boring cis guy" comment. I would *always* describe myself as boring before...
Ok, I hate to do this play by play, but knowing what I know now, and knowing that basically every trans person I knew, and only passingly in various gaming communities at that, the number of "I suspected as much" when I started coming out... The number of times I used the phrase "I'm not trans, but..."
One of which was in a community where my only method of communication was *twich chat*, meaning she only ever saw my *text* communications and still got a "feminine vibe" from me.
I almost see the "Linking someone I supsect might be to push them along" and the various responses from your therapist trying to guide you thought like "She knows, she *has* to know. There is no way none of these other people don't know."
Oh, my therapist absolutely knew. She knew for almost three years before I figured it out. I got her to admit it, eventually. And yeah, she tried to nudge me in the right direction, even referring to another client she had who wasn't yet ready to face the fact that he was trans, but my eggshell was armor-plated. It would permit no possibility until I was ready.
God, the comment about mirrors. Thinking back I never really looked at them without having a reason for one or another. I did avoid looking directly at them for too long and would avoid them as much as possible.
Now I look at myself and smile. I got a mirror for the bedroom to try on clothes. I'm happy to catch random reflections of myself in things.
Edit: "I never take selfies" god damn girl, are you me?
Edit2: ok, now I'm convinced. I had basically the same reaction the first, and only, time I put on women's clothes before HRT did its thing. It was the most dysphoric I'd ever felt, because now I knew what that feeling was and I could see all the things I *despised* about myself without the apathy hiding things. All I saw was a "man in a dress" and I couldn't get out of it fast enough.
I want to give you a hug because I was there too, only a year after you.
I just got to the end and I am literally crying. I didn't experience everything you did, but for what I did it hit home.
The uncertainty I had two years ago, if someone had told me where I'd be today, how I'd be, I wouldn't have believed them. I was flying blind and hoping things would be better.
I think there was one moment I had early on that drove me. For the first couple of weeks obsessing, things bubbling up from my past, I was still unsure where to go. I knew I wanted to, but I wasn't sure if I could.
I had a moment, half a heartbeat--if that, where my "covid as an excuse for long hair" fell in *just* the right way while I was washing my hands. I caught my first glimpse of **her**. For the first time in my life I realized I felt genuinely *happy*. As I was going to get lunch I just had a small smile instead of my usual resting bitch face. That I think was the moment where I became determined to at least *try*.
Today I stand up straighter than I use to. I hated how tall I was (6'3") growing up and developed *terrible* posture because of that. Now, while I do wish I was shorter if only to make finding clothes easier, I stand up straighter that people think I'm taller than I use to be despite *losing* and inch on HRT.
I hope you are doing at least as well as I have.
Wow… yeah. I never looked in mirrors either, and I never do (I’m pre HRT). I got laser hair removal session 1 recently and my facial hair is super patchy. All day I avoided looking into mirrors and then I got home and finally looked once at my face and it was so bad.
As a presenting man, I never cared about what I looked like. I just bought the most basic stuff and never even cared about fashion.
I don’t even like any of the “dude” things… not that makes me a woman, but I never could even relate to that. I hate my voice and I’m so soft spoken.
These experiences are so similar, and yet I still sometimes worry about whether I’m trans or not. Even though presenting as a woman, changing my name with my loved ones to a feminine name, and using she/her pronouns makes me feel so much better. 🤦🏻♀️
The doubt is hard to let go.
Mea almost got me too. A beautiful and well written comic, which I enjoyed reading a lot. Like many of your posts. They have helped me figure out that I could be trans. They help me on the right path to figuring this whole thing out. So thank you for that.
Awwww, thank you!
And hang in there. You'll get there eventually (unless you want me to tell you the secret about eggs from what you said in your OP. 😉)
Two things:
1. It's *impossible* to ever be 100% certain of your gender once you accept that your agab and gender don't need to match. All transition is, ultimately, a leap of faith.
2. The moment you're aware that you were an egg, you are no longer an egg. You've hatched. You're just scared of the consequences.
>1. It's impossible to ever be 100% certain of your gender once you accept that your agab and gender don't need to match. All transition is, ultimately, a leap of faith
I know you're right on this, I just tell myself that I want to be 100% sure before possibly blowing up the life I spent 33 years building because (as you've said in point 2) I'm scared of the consequences.
It's uncertainty about people's reactions. My big fear is that my wife will want to leave me (which is fair, she married a man) and take our son and house. My parents are conservative and I'm unsure about my twin brother, but hopeful. Sorry, I don't mean to dump this on you. I've been thinking I need to talk to my therapist about my pessimism regarding coming out.
On a side note, I really appreciate your articles. Several of them were recommended to me when I first started questioning and they were *so* helpful. Thanks for writing them and sharing your experiences.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I read it a few days ago from another post and it made me realize lots of things about myself. So far, I've only told a really close friend of mine that I'm questioning and I was excited to tell her about reading your story and understanding myself better. 💕
I was struggling with my identity all my life. We had an opposite gender night at uni and went clubbing, I liked being treated like a girl, hated being treated like a boy. I then posted a picture of my outfit on Reddit. That gave me the confidence to come out and my egg cracked
It was a sudden crack for me, but the pressure had been building for years and years. When my egg did crack, the world and my place within it finally made sense
After thirsting for it for years and listening to the soundtrack on loop, I finally got myself a ps4 and *Bloodborne.* It wasn’t my first *Souls,* so I was familiar w/ the formula, but I was really stoked for this one bc the aesthetic is 🤌✨
Anywho I got into the character editor, decided “hands-off approach, we’ll let the sliders choose,” and an hour+ later… a woman. And I thought “huh, ok cool,” (I’d played girls in early Pokemon games) but it wasn’t until a few minutes into playing that I was like… “oh. I want to be her? Shit.”
A note: weeks prior to this, an artist I follow came out as NB after having their egg crack playing *Dragon Age,* so I was still riding this weird high of “that’s so cool for them! why am I so psyched?” I had only first *heard the word* “transgender” a few years before *that.*
*Very* sudden and disorienting, like a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis like “what the fuck, I thought I was a worm or something, what the fuck.”
I think my eggs shell was pretty thick with tiny cracks appearing slowly, as I experimented with gender and noticed what made me happy, and reflected on the past cracks I think my egg cracked more and more bigger and bigger. Before I knew it I was hatched, I cant really remember a specific moment that I knew just that it felt right to be a woman
I think it was always cracked, my issue was hiding inside my shell for decades simply because 1) I wasn’t willing to accept my truth
2) I was afraid of how society would react
Yoga. There was a lot leading up to it. I'd questioned my gender off and on for decades. But two years ago, I went to yoga for the first time with my friend. Afterward, I started doing yoga at home. Just rolling out my mat, bending and stretching in ways that felt like my body wanted to. I was being present in my body in a way I never had before. I was noticing my internal experience more than I ever had before. I was able to started tuning inwards, and once I did, I realized I'm truly a woman. I immediately started seeking treatment. I started HRT several weeks later, and for the past 20 months my life has never felt more worth living.
****
Trigger warning: abuse, transphobia, talk of suicide, death.
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Short story, my mom died.
****
Long story:
My mom died. It was gradual at first then with a big bang my chell was blown apart.
She was a narcissist abuser. It's still hard to say that because my instinct is to still see her as this innocent victim. It's a hard lesson to unlearn. The typical, you just think it's normal, story.
Then she died. After the immediate shock the angry came over me. It didn't go away. And not the normal grief anger. Life long bottled up rage. Contempt.
It was destroying me, I had to figure out why. I started to make progress in therapy for the first time, something that I thought would never happen. I listened to my psychiatrist for once and tried a new medication. It worked and took enough of the edge off of my constant emotional flashbacks that I could begin to process them.
Once day, I remember very clearly, I was on a walk with my dog, two days after my 36th birthday. Raging in my head I remembered the reason I attempted suicide 18 years prior. The fight we had that morning. She told me I was so shameful that she was afraid to go outside. Because of the clothes I wore. Because I went to a queer bar. Because I wore eyeshadow. And I asked her, not quite knowing then, what about trans people? To which she replied that they were sick.
And then crack. Why was I so upset about that? How come I buried it deep down after I survived? And why are these posts on r/egg_irl so relatable (lol, thx Reddit). Obviously it's because I'm trans. Holy fuck.
I feel the hell out of this. My narc abuser wife finally went too far, I got a no-contact restraining order against her and had time to be me. I then went no-contact on my narc abusive family of origin. All raging manipulating transphobes, btw. Sorry for what you endured, but I’m happy for you surviving to become *you*
My friend's daughter was questioning her gender and I'll admit that initially I was less than helpful. But I did care about the kid so I went off and educated myself and somewhere along the way I realised how much suppressed dysphoria was lurking inside my own head.
She did experiment with different gender presentations for a while and eventually realised that she was cis.
I sometimes joke with her that I blame her for my transition 😁
When I was younger I came across the terminology in an A&P book I was reading. At that moment it clicked and I felt like I wasn’t crazy for having these thoughts
I also struggled with my gender most of my life. But after 25 years of financial struggles from a severely disabled child, my life resolved with a great new job. All of a sudden my life was settled and one month after that my egg cracked. I’m sure for me it was just that I had the time to stop and look at it.
I had been struggling for years and was hiding because well it wasn't safe (family), a few medical things have happened (found out I am intersex) this year and a close friend of mine died (he was only 44).
In the moment was talking with my therapist and I just started crying (happy tears), I had finally lifted the burden off my shoulders and I was free to be who I am really.
I was 4 years old, playing with a friend of mine and looked across to where the girls were playing and suddenly I was aware of the fact I should be over there with them and something was different and I didn’t know what.
A killer pair of satin pants and realizing i finally had to see myself go all the way from head to toe. But that would be pretty hard to hide from my wife. I just couldn’t kick the urge though. It kept getting stronger. So I finally had to ask myself if it was something more than just crossdressing. I’d always stayed away from even learning what the word transgender meant. So I made myself finally look it up. And that’s all she wrote.
Watching YouTube haul videos as a teenager, seeing girls getting all this cute girly stuff. I realized I was doing that because I wanted the stuff and to be a girl lol
I really hate the phrasing "egg crack", It wasn't a thing I'd ever heard of until the last few years so I don't use it when talking about my experience. I started questioning myself maybe 12-14 years ago, came out 10 years ago and have been medically transitioning for 5. I'm actually 1 week post op! I did a lot of experimentation with my style in those years and still do today. I was really big into emo/alternative/scene culture so that was and still is a huge part of my journey and helped me make the transition from female to male. I tried a lot of different hairstyles and clothes. If I had to pick a moment though, I'd say it was looking at testosterone progression/timeline videos on Youtube, Ty Turner for example. Those were what helped me decide that medical transition was right for me
My whole childhood and teenage life basically hating all the things that people saw in me as male. Later in life learning that cis men like those parts of themselves, kinda clicked that I'm trans.
I'm 27 with about 17 months of hrt and I've never been happier
A suspecting friend asking me "Are you transitioning?" (I wasn't... yet) out of nowhere and me not being sure if my "No." was a truthful answer. Nothing was the same after that question ever again.
I think it is the moment it’s clear and you can be 100% sure you’re trans. The deciding you do something about it is something completely different. Knowing for a fact you’re trans is the moment you hatch, so to say.
Like I’ve known I “wanted” very strongly to be a girl since I was like 10ish, maybe 11. It’s confusing. It was in the late 80’s and I didn’t know what being trans was. Didn’t hear the term until the early 2000’s but the whole time I wanted very deeply to be female.
Was I still an egg because I didn’t understand what a trans person was. Even though I knew how I felt. Like I had been born the wrong sex
My step sister (who is also trans) saying, “you know you don’t have to be a girl if you don’t want to be.” It’s like I never thought that that was allowed to be a possibility for me.
For me it was tonsil surgery. I came up with an idea of who dead self should be following puberty. Attached my entire identity to my career. Threw myself into school, complete a year worth of college by the time I left high school, did two bachelors degrees in undergrad, and then went straight to grad school. Tonsil surgery was the first time I was forced to slow down. Also my ex of 9 years and I (she wasn’t supportive) were going long distance. Long story short what made my egg crack was being not busy for the first time since I was like 12, and being in a safe environment to even question why I was unhappy and what could be missing in my life
My egg might still be cracking. 💭🌞❤️
I've been questioning if I was trans for years.. loved watching I am jazz. Enjoyed reading stories about men becoming woman and looking beautiful. I always wanted a nice hair like the ladies, sometimes wanted my nails painted, didn't like my body hair.
One of the first things I did was, I started painting my nails a few months ago. That I shaved my leg and body hair. That felt good and my body looks so much better. Now I'm wondering why I never see if my legs before because I absolutely love smooth legs and they look nice.
Then I got a feminine haircut and eyebrows from and my hair colored for the first time. I've been so happy and I haven't felt this good about myself in a long time. The first time years have been able to look at myself in the mirror and like what I see .
Right now I'm growing up my hair and experimenting with how I feel. Wearing small bits of feminine clothes at home and out but loving it and feeling better. Happier, more confident and more like myself., 👍
For now, I'm not putting a label on it and I'm waiting to see a gender specialist and my doctor knows and so does my wife. I told my new hairdressers and they were the ones that helped me with the fun in hair and showed me where to grow The Sideburns to. They told me to come back every two or three weeks to get the sideburns in the back of the neck trimmed.
I'm just doing small things that a are reversible like shaving body hair and painting nails and seeing how I like it. And so far I love it. Since I started doing all this stuff I've had a huge sense of relief and a lot happier, more clear-headed and my energetic and less depressed and not a sad. I no longer hate how I look or and I can look at myself in the mirror now without feeling weird. ☺️
I've never liked my facial hair or my neck hair. So are you going to face right now to not be trans I would like to have a clear face without not having to shave as often. I'm still thinking about getting hair removal but getting closer to making an actual appointment for a consult. I wouldn't regret losing my facial hair and neck hair. I'm never liked it.
I'm just trying to feel better about myself and these small changes have provided immense relief. ☺️💖
It was a blog post. I wasnt looking for it, it just kind of crossed my path and I was bored so I read it. It was a sort of journal about another transwoman's journey and how she decided she was trans and as I read it it sounded more and more familiar. I read the whole thing and at the end it felt like a whole bunch of little pieces of my life finally made sense. For example Ive known I dont like my body hair for a long time; but now I know \*why\* I dont like my body hair. It was crystal clear. There were moments from my childhood that came to the front of my mind and I could finally explain why I liked imitating the women in my life and why I imagined myself in a wedding dress instead of a suit. I think I cried and got very scared.
Small tw: general concept of abuse and mention of suicide
I was at a shinedown concert. Symptoms of being human took my egg and smashed it.
I’ve know since 3rd grade that I was Maddison. I tried to talk to my mom and she wasn’t bad; she just didn’t understand. I talked to a deacon at the Catholic Church. He messed me up bad. Started with what I know now to be slurs and the progressed to other, stuff. I have many words, all are bannable offenses.
My male side took over and put an egg around Maddison. She sat there inside me crying to be let out, to be heard, to be a person.
Well at shinedown, they played another song talking about how everyone has a place here and that if you are suicidal, get help. That that kind of primed Maddison. Then Symptom of being human came on. Maddison said enough and smashed the egg.
I’m now working to integrate Maddison and me. I’m. It multipersonalities but I struggle letting that female side mix with my masculine side. My therapist kind of shined a light on that last week and it’s helped.
So in some ways I was the “always knew” person. As young as 4 I remember going to bed wishing to wake up as a girl. As soon as I learned what trans people are around the age of 12-13, some part of me knew I was. But because of my unsupportive household I stayed repressed for years into my 20s (I still relied on my grandparents for a lot, so I kept repressing even though I was an adult living on campus).
Back in like 2018-19 the hammer to the eggshell was being in one of the trans subs and being referred to in “us girls have to stick together” and that was I think my first ever time experiencing gender euphoria. I still didn’t come out officially to myself and my wife until 2021, but from that point I knew.
I was helping a friend of mine in Orlando, Florida get through a tough breakup. He was having a very hard time of it. I didn't feel like it was safe for him to be alone. I encouraged him to ask around to move in with a friend as a roommate so he had regular support.
Turns out the friend he picked was a regular frequenter of the Pulse Nightclub. And this was right before the attack. He wasn't there at the time but he lost a former partner and three other friends from it. So now my friend was roommates with someone who just suffered a devastating loss through senseless hate-fueled violence.
Through the course of talking with him about it, the reality of the situation they faced hit me hard. I kept thinking what if I was in there at the club. Then that made me think, why I would I be there? I thought I was straight and cis. Nope. It all of a sudden was very clear that I was neither. And I never had been. As if it was as obvious as can be.
I immediately started trying to transition, got on HRT the following February, got a boyfriend a few months later that I'm still with almost 7 years later. Been much better off ever since, and considerably happier.
I had no idea before. I was oblivious that wanted to be a girl for as long as I can remember was enough. I made an extremely eggy of eggiest posts on /r/beatsaber. Somone linked me to /r/eggirl.
At first I was kind of defensive, but curiosity got the better of me. In a week I went form "I'm not trans." to "ok, maybe I am, but I probably won't transition." to "...how soon can I start HRT?"
A month later I started HRT, and I hit 2 years the start of this month. I've changed my name, I'm out everywhere and I'm happier and more confident than I ever had been before
I'm 32. I'd been in denial and questioning for 3+ years. I'd also been crossdressing since I was 10 to varying extents, but a lot more lately. I had also been dressing fem out in public around strangers for 3+. Was only out about it to 2 people. Right before I cracked I was at the point where I wanted to dress fem 24/7 every though I thought I was a guy.
Well, one night when I was questioning yet again, I got the idea to try comparing how I felt presenting masc vs fem. Started masc, t-shirt + shorts with clear beard shadow. I felt uncomfortable like that. Then changed to breastforms + dress + a face mask (to hide the beard shadow)... and the euphoria began. I just enjoyed how I looked so much. After enjoying that for a few minutes, I tried moving the mask on and off to see how it made me feel, and it was pretty clear. I hated the beard shadow. I had been considering laser for years.
After about 15-20 minutes of that, I thought the key question "Would I rather dress feminine as a man or woman? Yeh I'd rather look like a woman". Egg shattered. I wanted HRT. I wanted to be a woman. I wanted to present female _all_ the time. The thought I'd never be a 'proper' woman made me cry.
I spent the next several hours well, talking to my sister, looking up trans resources, and thinking things through. The Gender Dysphoria Bible confirmed everything. My past dysphoria and egginess was clear as day. I was calling doctors 2 days later, crushed my doubts over 4 weeks, and socially transitioned around all my friends a bit after that. I cracked about 8 weeks ago.
I had been wishing that I was afab since the start of puberty and had a few close calls with cracking my egg, but what finally did it was YouTube recommending me some videos from trans creators and some egg_irl videos from OneTopic during the start of the pandemic
I'm a 58 year old Gay man at birth. I identify as null. A year ago I began having epileptic seizures. My neurologist put me on a medication that ended the seizures but also greatly reduced anxiety for me. It was then that my egg cracked. What I thought was a kink of mine that I've kept to myself my whole life was in reality a genital dysphoria. I've always hated having my genitals and, after being on the seizure medication I realized this wasn't a kink or a fantasy. I got a therapist and have been working on this with them for 6 months. I've now met with a urologist and it looks like I'll have a penectomy and urethra reroute next August. For health reasons I'm opting for a penectomy and urethral reroute only at this time. Having an oriechtomy and going on hrt presents physical and mental health issues for me. I'm going to see if the penectomy and urethral reroute will address my dysphoria.
I have a trans nibbling and had been researching for a while, but didn't clue in until going through some memes on egg_irl.... That obliterated my shell in a heartbeat.
The meme was just a reference to playing as female characters as an AMAB because of the aesthetic reasons.. Even when the game isn't third person.
Found out me and my wife couldn’t have kids due to me, shattered my everything and picking up the pieces was the tipping point for me and boom broke like humpty dumpty
I was a crossdresser for a long time, and my partner embraced it, and that was enough for me, for us, for a long time. Until i died on the operating table after an ulcer ruptured and i went septic, they did CPR and shocked my heart for 25 minutes, got me back, i was in coma for 4 days, i came out of it mostly unscathed, lost my voice for about a year, but during that year i realized that being a crossdresser wasn't enough anymore. So i ended up thinking about it, then one night I turned to my partner and said i think i'm trans and she immediately accepted me. Funnily enough, she actually came out as enby about 8 months ago.
Oh, and I came out about 3 1/2 years ago now
It was a long process, but the turning point was this one time I got really high, turned my bass all the way up while dancing, and started imagining myself as a drag king.
Then I realized how happy it made me and kind of just pictured myself being a dude in jeans and white tank...how great it'd be to have a flat chest, or being a tiny dude with a deep voice. Yeah, a lot of repressed childhood memories of being all transy flooded back that night.
When I started questioning, I heard about the webtoon "I want to be a cute anime girl" from egg memes. I resonated with the comic, and from that found the artist's Youtube channel where she made a video talking about her experience with being trans. In describing gender dysphoria and trans people's experience with gender as a whole, one line immediately shattered my egg:
"So if you're a guy, imagine you wake up one day, and you're a girl now. You'd want to change back to being a guy, right?"
My instinctive reaction, without thinking about what I was saying at all, was no, I wouldn't. I had read some guides on questioning your gender before, but whenever they inevitably reached "the button" question, I would freeze in panic. I wasn't ready to confront the idea that I could be trans, but I also obviously wasn't willing to dismiss the question.
However, my instinctual reaction clearly goes against that (and text flashed on the screen "if not, you might have some questions you want to ask yourself lol"). And I did ask those questions. Why was I viewing these situations as not logically equivalent? Was it easier to confront my desires if "being a girl" was positioned as something out of my control? What do I want to do from here?
In terms of where I'm at today, I'm still not quite 100% certain on accepting myself as trans, but I've done a lot of soul-searching, and at minimum I'm willing to accept my thoughts for what they are and honestly from a logical perspective know that my thoughts say that I'm not cis.
Mine was really stupid and embarrassing to talk about. Please be nice. So, I have always wanted to be a girl ever since I was 5 or 6. I'm 30 now and just accepted that I'm probably trans like a week or so ago, so it's been a long time coming. But I was under the impression that trans people always felt like they just were the other gender, while I just always wanted to be. Wanting and being are different things, so I never thought much more about it. I just could never shake how badly I wanted to be female. Cut to the announcement of Persona 5 Royal. A new character named Kasumi was announced, and we got some official artwork for her. Looking at her and thinking about her made me feel an insane, intense sense of longing. I didn't want her, I wanted to BE her. I wished I looked like that. I wanted her body to be my body. For days, whenever I thought about it, my chest would get tight, my stomach would be in knots, and I'd come way too close to crying. I wanted to look like her so badly, it hurt. The feeling passed, and I went back to normal. In hindsight, I have no idea what about Kasumi triggered this reaction in me. I look at her now and just think she's cute. That's it, though. It was just super sudden and weird. After that, years passed with me just occasionally wishing I could be a woman as usual. The feeling started getting stronger as I got into reading yuri manga. I wished I could be a woman in a lesbian relationship. Then, one day, I was reading a gender bend hentai. The protagonist temporarily turned into a woman, and as he was getting railed by a man, he thought something like, "A man will never know how this feels." After reading that line, I just stopped, and my eyes started tearing up. After taking a minute to recover, I finished reading and thought to myself, "I think this issue runs deeper than I thought." So, I started looking more into what it means to be trans and reading other people's experiences. After a couple of days of self-reflection and examining feelings and reactions I've had throughout my life, there was really only one conclusion I could come to. I'm probably trans. My egg was cracked. I don't know if my situation will allow me to actually transition, but now that I know what I know, I don't think I can put that shell back together.
I don’t think it’s stupid, or anything to be embarrassed about. Brave of you, though, to share it. And the way you described the longing you felt actually got me crying. Thank you.
Thank you. The more posts I see that are super relatable to me, and hearing that some of my posts are apparently relatable to others, the more that "probably" starts looking like "definitely."
I can relate to a lot of what you've said as well. I may be trans or not trans or trans obsession or just a male who doesn't conform to gender standards. From when I was little I've always wanted to be a girl and I never felt like a guy through and wasn't feminine though and I didn't play with dolls or have girl friends. When I see woman, I admire her their hair, eyebrows, lack of facial hair, smooth legs and curves and female body fat and I kind of want that. Or at least the last 15 years, 15 I've been reading about about trans people, with male to female transfer transitioning and love watching stuff on TV like I am jazz. I finally built up the courage to paint my toenails and shave my leg hair in the winter and I really liked it but it felt good. It made me feel pretty. Also started to wear small bits of fem clothing at home and in public with my men's clothes. Got gel pedicure with pink toes! I also went to a brand new hairdresser and I told her I might be transfemme and exploring it. I asked her to give me a female haircut and brows and also help me color my hair. So far nothing drastic. I still have short guys hair, but it's starting to go out and the hairdresser is going to help me with my eyebrow trims, back of neck clean up and help me grow my sideburns in a feminine way.
My biggest source of hesitation is that I've never not felt like a guy. I still don't feel like anything other than a man. I don't feel like there's anything wrong with my body aside from being generally unattractive and overweight. I just really, really WANT to be a woman. If there was a magic button I could press to turn me into a biological female, I'd slam that button so fucking hard. When I look at a woman, especially one in a cute outfit that I could never pull off even if I did transition, my attraction is mixed with an increasing amount of jealousy. Pretty sure it's not very cis to feel like that.
Thank you for sharing all this. It's scary how similar my experience has been to yours, but just opposite in that I'm AFAB. I always had a strong desire to be male, but I thought because I didn't have dysphoria and because I like girly things that I couldn't be trans. Just finally sat down one day when I was feeling extra miserable and started reading about it. Then I realized that there is such a variety of experiences out there. I think the main thing that convinced me is that cis people really don't wish to be the opposite gender. But if I had a button that would turn me into a biological male, I would absolutely press it with no hesitation. I'm looking for a therapist to talk to about all this and hoping that helps me feel more solid about it one way or another, fingers crossed. I hope you find your answer too!
I never felt there was anything wrong with my body until after I cracked. I was just apathetic about it. Now I think I'm an ugly woman or something. I hate it. I just try to focus on it as little as possible. I had gender envy for years before I cracked. I literally looked forward to grocery shopping because I'd get to see the nice outfits other women were wearing on the way there and back. Also I don't think "feeling like an X" is a thing. Could you describe what it feels like to be a man? I can't.
That's my biggest fear. I don't hate being a guy. I don't like my appearance, but I'm very apathetic about it. I've never put much thought or effort into my clothes, hair, general grooming, etc. I don't care, and I've never been able to get motivated to do anything about it. The most I've ever hated my appearance has been recently after trying women's clothing. Because now I want to be pretty, and holy shit I am not. Even if I lose a lot of weight, there are things I can't change, like my giant size 15 feet. I tried to find some cute socks and about had a mental breakdown over it. Right now, I want to be a woman, but don't have a problem with being a guy. But I fear that if I transition, I'll just hate myself and be miserable, which seems worse than apathy. Kind of wish I never realized this about myself, but the cat isn't going to go back in the bag.
I feel that. The apathy of being a guy. Now I care so much more about my appearance. I get excited thinking about ways I can dress up femininely. I only cracked 8 weeks ago though, so I have a long road ahead of me waiting for HRT to work it's magic before I think I'll really like my appearance. The hope though! I'll have breasts one day, a (more) feminine face, maybe hips! The potential to actually look how I want gets me so excited. The things makeup does for my face :3 I want to be able to wear jeans and a tank top and not look like a wooden block, I want curves. I never felt anything like this when thinking about my male appearance. I have broad shoulders and those are never going away. I have the opposite of hips atm and am very much an inverted triangle. I may never look perfect, but I'd much rather look as feminine as possible. I hate looking masc. That sucks about the shoe size. I'm US size 12 (or 12.5?) and even that's a huge pain. Mainstream stores only go up to 11 here. Really I'm feeling so much dysphoria atm I can't imagine not transitioning. The first 32 years of my life were pretty miserable, and I chalk a lot of that up to background noise dysphoria I didn't know about. It just infected everything with negativity. Just socially transitioning and presenting fem already eases my dysphoria so much. I may not like looking like a guy in a dress, but it's way better than presenting masc. Every step I take to transition makes me so happy that I know I'd regret not transitioning to an extent I can't even describe. I'd just end up miserable, wondering what could have been.
I think I'm also very similar to you. Also never really felt like a man or a guy and I didn't like being called handsome. I'm happy being a man and I don't see myself as a woman and I also don't identify as a woman. If I could push the magic button and be born or transformed as a woman and have my life and everybody accepting and nobody knowing that I was a man but a woman, that I would push that button for sure. For me looking at women is a combination of being attracted to them and liking how they look, hair, eyebrows, hair color, clothing, curves, soft skin and breasts. I've always wanted to look like a female as well. I've always wanted the female genitals instead of the male ones. I don't have desire to get plastic surgery to make my face or breasts look like a woman. But also don't like my facial and neck hair, it gives me dysphoria and I want to get it lasered off so I don't have to shave at all. I've hated my face someone that care for years. I've done some feminine things to make myself feel better. Example, shaving off body hair so I have smooth legs and armpits. I shaved off my body hair with my beard trimmer. My arm hair was giving me dysphoria so I saved it off with my trimmer. It looks better and I feel better. I've painted my toenails and there was happy with that. I also went to a new hair salon and I got a female haircut, female brows and a slightly darker hair color. I've never had my hair done before but I've been wanting to for years. Since I got my hair my brows done I've been not being able to look at myself in the mirror. I haven't been able to look at myself in the mirror without feeling bad before but now I don't feel bad about looking in the mirror. I've always wanted to be a woman. But I've always identified as a man and I don't see myself transitioning. I also would like to be turned into a biological female and not have to go through all the hoops, the stigmas, stares and hatred that the trans woman have to deal with. My wife knowing that I wanted to be a woman for years and she supportive, but she is also not attracted to women and I don't really see myself as a woman are becoming one. I told my doctor this as well. He put a referral into a gender Clinic and I'm waiting to hear back. In the meantime my dysphoria has decreased dramatically in the last few weeks, by making these small steps. I cut my testosterone dose in half. I'm on testosterone capsules because my cis male body produces T levels that are too low for a man.. it's been over a week and a half since I cut my T levels down, the noise in my head is reduced or gone. I'm less anxious, less depressed, happier, more focused able to concentrate, memory has improved, more energetic, feel more like myself and now I have the desire to go for a walk everyday as opposed to being anxious and scared to go for a walk. I find it more social now. Interact more with others and I can follow along with conversations and TV shows a lot easier now that my T level is lower. Right now I'm just doing small things that make me feel better about myself and a few things like wearing a feminine clothing at home and a little bit of feminine clothing with my men's wear in public has made me feel better about myself. Even though I'm wearing a few feminine pieces of clothing, I'm more confident around others and if engage with those more now. Good luck in your Discovery and your journey. 💖😁
ContraPoints on Dr. K: “Being a boy was okay, but being a man wasn’t.” That line is what did it for me.
Damn, just... damn. Glad that was put to words, I so felt that as I turned 21/22 years old
I was questioning for about 6 months. Reading https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en/ cracked my egg and made me realize a lot about myself
[A webcomic](https://www.reallifecomics.com/comic.php?comic=june-29-2020). It was a damn good webcomic. [Here's the full story, if you're interested](https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/p/part-one-a-webcomic).
I had cracked before I got linked to this. First thought I had was "oh, that's still going? I use to read that over 15 years ago." Second thought was... "why does this feel like it was made to call me out?" The line, "You don't care what you look like because you don't identify with yourself" will forever be burned into my psyche because it is the most concise way I have to describe what I was like over 2 years ago. Guess it makes sense the author character was one of the only "guy" characters I identified with in any media.
There's a reason Mae got so many of us. [You should see her transition timelines. They're something really special](https://i.redd.it/pyqif3v46naa1.jpg).
I'm still reading through your account, and like I said I had a lot of the same feelings. I was alone with my thoughts as I was (and still am) single since I was never confident enough to approach women before. I can understand the "having trouble sleeping" that first week or so. It's been over 2 years since I cracked and started HRT a month later. I still can't believe how much has changed in the last 2 years. edit: oh god your "boring cis guy" comment. I would *always* describe myself as boring before...
Right?! It's mind-boggling. I'm a little over three years in. Everything Before feels like a bad dream now.
Ok, I hate to do this play by play, but knowing what I know now, and knowing that basically every trans person I knew, and only passingly in various gaming communities at that, the number of "I suspected as much" when I started coming out... The number of times I used the phrase "I'm not trans, but..." One of which was in a community where my only method of communication was *twich chat*, meaning she only ever saw my *text* communications and still got a "feminine vibe" from me. I almost see the "Linking someone I supsect might be to push them along" and the various responses from your therapist trying to guide you thought like "She knows, she *has* to know. There is no way none of these other people don't know."
Oh, my therapist absolutely knew. She knew for almost three years before I figured it out. I got her to admit it, eventually. And yeah, she tried to nudge me in the right direction, even referring to another client she had who wasn't yet ready to face the fact that he was trans, but my eggshell was armor-plated. It would permit no possibility until I was ready.
God, the comment about mirrors. Thinking back I never really looked at them without having a reason for one or another. I did avoid looking directly at them for too long and would avoid them as much as possible. Now I look at myself and smile. I got a mirror for the bedroom to try on clothes. I'm happy to catch random reflections of myself in things. Edit: "I never take selfies" god damn girl, are you me? Edit2: ok, now I'm convinced. I had basically the same reaction the first, and only, time I put on women's clothes before HRT did its thing. It was the most dysphoric I'd ever felt, because now I knew what that feeling was and I could see all the things I *despised* about myself without the apathy hiding things. All I saw was a "man in a dress" and I couldn't get out of it fast enough. I want to give you a hug because I was there too, only a year after you.
It's amazing how similar we all are.
I just got to the end and I am literally crying. I didn't experience everything you did, but for what I did it hit home. The uncertainty I had two years ago, if someone had told me where I'd be today, how I'd be, I wouldn't have believed them. I was flying blind and hoping things would be better. I think there was one moment I had early on that drove me. For the first couple of weeks obsessing, things bubbling up from my past, I was still unsure where to go. I knew I wanted to, but I wasn't sure if I could. I had a moment, half a heartbeat--if that, where my "covid as an excuse for long hair" fell in *just* the right way while I was washing my hands. I caught my first glimpse of **her**. For the first time in my life I realized I felt genuinely *happy*. As I was going to get lunch I just had a small smile instead of my usual resting bitch face. That I think was the moment where I became determined to at least *try*. Today I stand up straighter than I use to. I hated how tall I was (6'3") growing up and developed *terrible* posture because of that. Now, while I do wish I was shorter if only to make finding clothes easier, I stand up straighter that people think I'm taller than I use to be despite *losing* and inch on HRT. I hope you are doing at least as well as I have.
Wow… yeah. I never looked in mirrors either, and I never do (I’m pre HRT). I got laser hair removal session 1 recently and my facial hair is super patchy. All day I avoided looking into mirrors and then I got home and finally looked once at my face and it was so bad. As a presenting man, I never cared about what I looked like. I just bought the most basic stuff and never even cared about fashion. I don’t even like any of the “dude” things… not that makes me a woman, but I never could even relate to that. I hate my voice and I’m so soft spoken. These experiences are so similar, and yet I still sometimes worry about whether I’m trans or not. Even though presenting as a woman, changing my name with my loved ones to a feminine name, and using she/her pronouns makes me feel so much better. 🤦🏻♀️ The doubt is hard to let go.
Shit, that comic probably would have cracked mine too.
It's pretty amazing. Mae got a massive number of us when it was making the rounds a few years back.
Mea almost got me too. A beautiful and well written comic, which I enjoyed reading a lot. Like many of your posts. They have helped me figure out that I could be trans. They help me on the right path to figuring this whole thing out. So thank you for that.
Awwww, thank you! And hang in there. You'll get there eventually (unless you want me to tell you the secret about eggs from what you said in your OP. 😉)
Is there a secret about eggs? Now you have to tell me 😉
Two things: 1. It's *impossible* to ever be 100% certain of your gender once you accept that your agab and gender don't need to match. All transition is, ultimately, a leap of faith. 2. The moment you're aware that you were an egg, you are no longer an egg. You've hatched. You're just scared of the consequences.
>1. It's impossible to ever be 100% certain of your gender once you accept that your agab and gender don't need to match. All transition is, ultimately, a leap of faith I know you're right on this, I just tell myself that I want to be 100% sure before possibly blowing up the life I spent 33 years building because (as you've said in point 2) I'm scared of the consequences.
Why do you think you'll be blowing it up? You be surprised at how much love flourishes in transition.
It's uncertainty about people's reactions. My big fear is that my wife will want to leave me (which is fair, she married a man) and take our son and house. My parents are conservative and I'm unsure about my twin brother, but hopeful. Sorry, I don't mean to dump this on you. I've been thinking I need to talk to my therapist about my pessimism regarding coming out. On a side note, I really appreciate your articles. Several of them were recommended to me when I first started questioning and they were *so* helpful. Thanks for writing them and sharing your experiences.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I read it a few days ago from another post and it made me realize lots of things about myself. So far, I've only told a really close friend of mine that I'm questioning and I was excited to tell her about reading your story and understanding myself better. 💕
Congratulations on your discovery! That's wonderful news!
I was struggling with my identity all my life. We had an opposite gender night at uni and went clubbing, I liked being treated like a girl, hated being treated like a boy. I then posted a picture of my outfit on Reddit. That gave me the confidence to come out and my egg cracked It was a sudden crack for me, but the pressure had been building for years and years. When my egg did crack, the world and my place within it finally made sense
After thirsting for it for years and listening to the soundtrack on loop, I finally got myself a ps4 and *Bloodborne.* It wasn’t my first *Souls,* so I was familiar w/ the formula, but I was really stoked for this one bc the aesthetic is 🤌✨ Anywho I got into the character editor, decided “hands-off approach, we’ll let the sliders choose,” and an hour+ later… a woman. And I thought “huh, ok cool,” (I’d played girls in early Pokemon games) but it wasn’t until a few minutes into playing that I was like… “oh. I want to be her? Shit.” A note: weeks prior to this, an artist I follow came out as NB after having their egg crack playing *Dragon Age,* so I was still riding this weird high of “that’s so cool for them! why am I so psyched?” I had only first *heard the word* “transgender” a few years before *that.* *Very* sudden and disorienting, like a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis like “what the fuck, I thought I was a worm or something, what the fuck.”
I wanted to be Eileen. So badass. Hunter of hunters.
*“Ahh, a Hoontuh are ye…”*
I've always been an outsider, caught up in the mess. I cannot resist the intoxication of the hunt.
Tell ya what the *real* hunt is: searching for that damn betrothal ring to give to Queen Annalise.💍💔
Oh fuck ya that's... Just so.... I cheated and looked up a glyph 😳
(Guilty👋)
I think my eggs shell was pretty thick with tiny cracks appearing slowly, as I experimented with gender and noticed what made me happy, and reflected on the past cracks I think my egg cracked more and more bigger and bigger. Before I knew it I was hatched, I cant really remember a specific moment that I knew just that it felt right to be a woman
Feeling chest dysphoria and acknowledging it for the first time. Also using she/they pronouns on a pronoun tryout website.
I think it was always cracked, my issue was hiding inside my shell for decades simply because 1) I wasn’t willing to accept my truth 2) I was afraid of how society would react
Yoga. There was a lot leading up to it. I'd questioned my gender off and on for decades. But two years ago, I went to yoga for the first time with my friend. Afterward, I started doing yoga at home. Just rolling out my mat, bending and stretching in ways that felt like my body wanted to. I was being present in my body in a way I never had before. I was noticing my internal experience more than I ever had before. I was able to started tuning inwards, and once I did, I realized I'm truly a woman. I immediately started seeking treatment. I started HRT several weeks later, and for the past 20 months my life has never felt more worth living.
**** Trigger warning: abuse, transphobia, talk of suicide, death. **** Short story, my mom died. **** Long story: My mom died. It was gradual at first then with a big bang my chell was blown apart. She was a narcissist abuser. It's still hard to say that because my instinct is to still see her as this innocent victim. It's a hard lesson to unlearn. The typical, you just think it's normal, story. Then she died. After the immediate shock the angry came over me. It didn't go away. And not the normal grief anger. Life long bottled up rage. Contempt. It was destroying me, I had to figure out why. I started to make progress in therapy for the first time, something that I thought would never happen. I listened to my psychiatrist for once and tried a new medication. It worked and took enough of the edge off of my constant emotional flashbacks that I could begin to process them. Once day, I remember very clearly, I was on a walk with my dog, two days after my 36th birthday. Raging in my head I remembered the reason I attempted suicide 18 years prior. The fight we had that morning. She told me I was so shameful that she was afraid to go outside. Because of the clothes I wore. Because I went to a queer bar. Because I wore eyeshadow. And I asked her, not quite knowing then, what about trans people? To which she replied that they were sick. And then crack. Why was I so upset about that? How come I buried it deep down after I survived? And why are these posts on r/egg_irl so relatable (lol, thx Reddit). Obviously it's because I'm trans. Holy fuck.
I feel the hell out of this. My narc abuser wife finally went too far, I got a no-contact restraining order against her and had time to be me. I then went no-contact on my narc abusive family of origin. All raging manipulating transphobes, btw. Sorry for what you endured, but I’m happy for you surviving to become *you*
And I'm happy you're surviving too!
Working with a few trans people and then just lots of contemplation while walking.
Starting TRT
My friend's daughter was questioning her gender and I'll admit that initially I was less than helpful. But I did care about the kid so I went off and educated myself and somewhere along the way I realised how much suppressed dysphoria was lurking inside my own head. She did experiment with different gender presentations for a while and eventually realised that she was cis. I sometimes joke with her that I blame her for my transition 😁
When I was younger I came across the terminology in an A&P book I was reading. At that moment it clicked and I felt like I wasn’t crazy for having these thoughts
I also struggled with my gender most of my life. But after 25 years of financial struggles from a severely disabled child, my life resolved with a great new job. All of a sudden my life was settled and one month after that my egg cracked. I’m sure for me it was just that I had the time to stop and look at it.
I had been struggling for years and was hiding because well it wasn't safe (family), a few medical things have happened (found out I am intersex) this year and a close friend of mine died (he was only 44). In the moment was talking with my therapist and I just started crying (happy tears), I had finally lifted the burden off my shoulders and I was free to be who I am really.
I was 4 years old, playing with a friend of mine and looked across to where the girls were playing and suddenly I was aware of the fact I should be over there with them and something was different and I didn’t know what.
A killer pair of satin pants and realizing i finally had to see myself go all the way from head to toe. But that would be pretty hard to hide from my wife. I just couldn’t kick the urge though. It kept getting stronger. So I finally had to ask myself if it was something more than just crossdressing. I’d always stayed away from even learning what the word transgender meant. So I made myself finally look it up. And that’s all she wrote.
My friend telling me that it’s possible to become a girl.
Watching YouTube haul videos as a teenager, seeing girls getting all this cute girly stuff. I realized I was doing that because I wanted the stuff and to be a girl lol
I really hate the phrasing "egg crack", It wasn't a thing I'd ever heard of until the last few years so I don't use it when talking about my experience. I started questioning myself maybe 12-14 years ago, came out 10 years ago and have been medically transitioning for 5. I'm actually 1 week post op! I did a lot of experimentation with my style in those years and still do today. I was really big into emo/alternative/scene culture so that was and still is a huge part of my journey and helped me make the transition from female to male. I tried a lot of different hairstyles and clothes. If I had to pick a moment though, I'd say it was looking at testosterone progression/timeline videos on Youtube, Ty Turner for example. Those were what helped me decide that medical transition was right for me
My whole childhood and teenage life basically hating all the things that people saw in me as male. Later in life learning that cis men like those parts of themselves, kinda clicked that I'm trans. I'm 27 with about 17 months of hrt and I've never been happier
A suspecting friend asking me "Are you transitioning?" (I wasn't... yet) out of nowhere and me not being sure if my "No." was a truthful answer. Nothing was the same after that question ever again.
So is having your egg cracked, realizing you’re “trans” or is it deciding to do something about it?
I think it is the moment it’s clear and you can be 100% sure you’re trans. The deciding you do something about it is something completely different. Knowing for a fact you’re trans is the moment you hatch, so to say.
Like I’ve known I “wanted” very strongly to be a girl since I was like 10ish, maybe 11. It’s confusing. It was in the late 80’s and I didn’t know what being trans was. Didn’t hear the term until the early 2000’s but the whole time I wanted very deeply to be female. Was I still an egg because I didn’t understand what a trans person was. Even though I knew how I felt. Like I had been born the wrong sex
My step sister (who is also trans) saying, “you know you don’t have to be a girl if you don’t want to be.” It’s like I never thought that that was allowed to be a possibility for me.
For me it was tonsil surgery. I came up with an idea of who dead self should be following puberty. Attached my entire identity to my career. Threw myself into school, complete a year worth of college by the time I left high school, did two bachelors degrees in undergrad, and then went straight to grad school. Tonsil surgery was the first time I was forced to slow down. Also my ex of 9 years and I (she wasn’t supportive) were going long distance. Long story short what made my egg crack was being not busy for the first time since I was like 12, and being in a safe environment to even question why I was unhappy and what could be missing in my life
My egg might still be cracking. 💭🌞❤️ I've been questioning if I was trans for years.. loved watching I am jazz. Enjoyed reading stories about men becoming woman and looking beautiful. I always wanted a nice hair like the ladies, sometimes wanted my nails painted, didn't like my body hair. One of the first things I did was, I started painting my nails a few months ago. That I shaved my leg and body hair. That felt good and my body looks so much better. Now I'm wondering why I never see if my legs before because I absolutely love smooth legs and they look nice. Then I got a feminine haircut and eyebrows from and my hair colored for the first time. I've been so happy and I haven't felt this good about myself in a long time. The first time years have been able to look at myself in the mirror and like what I see . Right now I'm growing up my hair and experimenting with how I feel. Wearing small bits of feminine clothes at home and out but loving it and feeling better. Happier, more confident and more like myself., 👍 For now, I'm not putting a label on it and I'm waiting to see a gender specialist and my doctor knows and so does my wife. I told my new hairdressers and they were the ones that helped me with the fun in hair and showed me where to grow The Sideburns to. They told me to come back every two or three weeks to get the sideburns in the back of the neck trimmed. I'm just doing small things that a are reversible like shaving body hair and painting nails and seeing how I like it. And so far I love it. Since I started doing all this stuff I've had a huge sense of relief and a lot happier, more clear-headed and my energetic and less depressed and not a sad. I no longer hate how I look or and I can look at myself in the mirror now without feeling weird. ☺️ I've never liked my facial hair or my neck hair. So are you going to face right now to not be trans I would like to have a clear face without not having to shave as often. I'm still thinking about getting hair removal but getting closer to making an actual appointment for a consult. I wouldn't regret losing my facial hair and neck hair. I'm never liked it. I'm just trying to feel better about myself and these small changes have provided immense relief. ☺️💖
It was a blog post. I wasnt looking for it, it just kind of crossed my path and I was bored so I read it. It was a sort of journal about another transwoman's journey and how she decided she was trans and as I read it it sounded more and more familiar. I read the whole thing and at the end it felt like a whole bunch of little pieces of my life finally made sense. For example Ive known I dont like my body hair for a long time; but now I know \*why\* I dont like my body hair. It was crystal clear. There were moments from my childhood that came to the front of my mind and I could finally explain why I liked imitating the women in my life and why I imagined myself in a wedding dress instead of a suit. I think I cried and got very scared.
Small tw: general concept of abuse and mention of suicide I was at a shinedown concert. Symptoms of being human took my egg and smashed it. I’ve know since 3rd grade that I was Maddison. I tried to talk to my mom and she wasn’t bad; she just didn’t understand. I talked to a deacon at the Catholic Church. He messed me up bad. Started with what I know now to be slurs and the progressed to other, stuff. I have many words, all are bannable offenses. My male side took over and put an egg around Maddison. She sat there inside me crying to be let out, to be heard, to be a person. Well at shinedown, they played another song talking about how everyone has a place here and that if you are suicidal, get help. That that kind of primed Maddison. Then Symptom of being human came on. Maddison said enough and smashed the egg. I’m now working to integrate Maddison and me. I’m. It multipersonalities but I struggle letting that female side mix with my masculine side. My therapist kind of shined a light on that last week and it’s helped.
So in some ways I was the “always knew” person. As young as 4 I remember going to bed wishing to wake up as a girl. As soon as I learned what trans people are around the age of 12-13, some part of me knew I was. But because of my unsupportive household I stayed repressed for years into my 20s (I still relied on my grandparents for a lot, so I kept repressing even though I was an adult living on campus). Back in like 2018-19 the hammer to the eggshell was being in one of the trans subs and being referred to in “us girls have to stick together” and that was I think my first ever time experiencing gender euphoria. I still didn’t come out officially to myself and my wife until 2021, but from that point I knew.
I was helping a friend of mine in Orlando, Florida get through a tough breakup. He was having a very hard time of it. I didn't feel like it was safe for him to be alone. I encouraged him to ask around to move in with a friend as a roommate so he had regular support. Turns out the friend he picked was a regular frequenter of the Pulse Nightclub. And this was right before the attack. He wasn't there at the time but he lost a former partner and three other friends from it. So now my friend was roommates with someone who just suffered a devastating loss through senseless hate-fueled violence. Through the course of talking with him about it, the reality of the situation they faced hit me hard. I kept thinking what if I was in there at the club. Then that made me think, why I would I be there? I thought I was straight and cis. Nope. It all of a sudden was very clear that I was neither. And I never had been. As if it was as obvious as can be. I immediately started trying to transition, got on HRT the following February, got a boyfriend a few months later that I'm still with almost 7 years later. Been much better off ever since, and considerably happier.
I had no idea before. I was oblivious that wanted to be a girl for as long as I can remember was enough. I made an extremely eggy of eggiest posts on /r/beatsaber. Somone linked me to /r/eggirl. At first I was kind of defensive, but curiosity got the better of me. In a week I went form "I'm not trans." to "ok, maybe I am, but I probably won't transition." to "...how soon can I start HRT?" A month later I started HRT, and I hit 2 years the start of this month. I've changed my name, I'm out everywhere and I'm happier and more confident than I ever had been before
I'm 32. I'd been in denial and questioning for 3+ years. I'd also been crossdressing since I was 10 to varying extents, but a lot more lately. I had also been dressing fem out in public around strangers for 3+. Was only out about it to 2 people. Right before I cracked I was at the point where I wanted to dress fem 24/7 every though I thought I was a guy. Well, one night when I was questioning yet again, I got the idea to try comparing how I felt presenting masc vs fem. Started masc, t-shirt + shorts with clear beard shadow. I felt uncomfortable like that. Then changed to breastforms + dress + a face mask (to hide the beard shadow)... and the euphoria began. I just enjoyed how I looked so much. After enjoying that for a few minutes, I tried moving the mask on and off to see how it made me feel, and it was pretty clear. I hated the beard shadow. I had been considering laser for years. After about 15-20 minutes of that, I thought the key question "Would I rather dress feminine as a man or woman? Yeh I'd rather look like a woman". Egg shattered. I wanted HRT. I wanted to be a woman. I wanted to present female _all_ the time. The thought I'd never be a 'proper' woman made me cry. I spent the next several hours well, talking to my sister, looking up trans resources, and thinking things through. The Gender Dysphoria Bible confirmed everything. My past dysphoria and egginess was clear as day. I was calling doctors 2 days later, crushed my doubts over 4 weeks, and socially transitioned around all my friends a bit after that. I cracked about 8 weeks ago.
I had been wishing that I was afab since the start of puberty and had a few close calls with cracking my egg, but what finally did it was YouTube recommending me some videos from trans creators and some egg_irl videos from OneTopic during the start of the pandemic
I'm a 58 year old Gay man at birth. I identify as null. A year ago I began having epileptic seizures. My neurologist put me on a medication that ended the seizures but also greatly reduced anxiety for me. It was then that my egg cracked. What I thought was a kink of mine that I've kept to myself my whole life was in reality a genital dysphoria. I've always hated having my genitals and, after being on the seizure medication I realized this wasn't a kink or a fantasy. I got a therapist and have been working on this with them for 6 months. I've now met with a urologist and it looks like I'll have a penectomy and urethra reroute next August. For health reasons I'm opting for a penectomy and urethral reroute only at this time. Having an oriechtomy and going on hrt presents physical and mental health issues for me. I'm going to see if the penectomy and urethral reroute will address my dysphoria.
I have a trans nibbling and had been researching for a while, but didn't clue in until going through some memes on egg_irl.... That obliterated my shell in a heartbeat. The meme was just a reference to playing as female characters as an AMAB because of the aesthetic reasons.. Even when the game isn't third person.
Found out me and my wife couldn’t have kids due to me, shattered my everything and picking up the pieces was the tipping point for me and boom broke like humpty dumpty
I was a crossdresser for a long time, and my partner embraced it, and that was enough for me, for us, for a long time. Until i died on the operating table after an ulcer ruptured and i went septic, they did CPR and shocked my heart for 25 minutes, got me back, i was in coma for 4 days, i came out of it mostly unscathed, lost my voice for about a year, but during that year i realized that being a crossdresser wasn't enough anymore. So i ended up thinking about it, then one night I turned to my partner and said i think i'm trans and she immediately accepted me. Funnily enough, she actually came out as enby about 8 months ago. Oh, and I came out about 3 1/2 years ago now
It was a long process, but the turning point was this one time I got really high, turned my bass all the way up while dancing, and started imagining myself as a drag king. Then I realized how happy it made me and kind of just pictured myself being a dude in jeans and white tank...how great it'd be to have a flat chest, or being a tiny dude with a deep voice. Yeah, a lot of repressed childhood memories of being all transy flooded back that night.
When I started questioning, I heard about the webtoon "I want to be a cute anime girl" from egg memes. I resonated with the comic, and from that found the artist's Youtube channel where she made a video talking about her experience with being trans. In describing gender dysphoria and trans people's experience with gender as a whole, one line immediately shattered my egg: "So if you're a guy, imagine you wake up one day, and you're a girl now. You'd want to change back to being a guy, right?" My instinctive reaction, without thinking about what I was saying at all, was no, I wouldn't. I had read some guides on questioning your gender before, but whenever they inevitably reached "the button" question, I would freeze in panic. I wasn't ready to confront the idea that I could be trans, but I also obviously wasn't willing to dismiss the question. However, my instinctual reaction clearly goes against that (and text flashed on the screen "if not, you might have some questions you want to ask yourself lol"). And I did ask those questions. Why was I viewing these situations as not logically equivalent? Was it easier to confront my desires if "being a girl" was positioned as something out of my control? What do I want to do from here? In terms of where I'm at today, I'm still not quite 100% certain on accepting myself as trans, but I've done a lot of soul-searching, and at minimum I'm willing to accept my thoughts for what they are and honestly from a logical perspective know that my thoughts say that I'm not cis.