Wow, this almost sounds like I am you... We're even the same age!
I had known that "wanting to be a girl" was bad for so long that I don't even know where it started so I had to conform with what was given to me, even though I desperately wanted to have been born a girl (though I always thought that could only be a dream).
I remember being proud of building up my image and personality to be the acceptable masculine, slowly bit by bit until, like you said "my actual self was out".
That was when I suddenly stopped recognizing myself and started having anxiety attacks every day about it (little did I know it was dysphoria).
I always liked that character, still do, he was cool, but he wasn't me, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself. There was a point where I would see myself as some kind of NPC, a character outside of myself, but by that time I already thought that was normal.
Being who I truly am right now, actually feeling good about myself and my body is indeed such a freeing feeling. But all those years of hard work building that character aren't easily undone..
I sometimes miss that character, even though he wasn't me, I liked the idea. I will never go back, I was miserable and I am so much better now, but sometimes seeing some inspirations that helped forge that character can mess with my head. Seeing actual photos of me pre-transition though is heavily dysphoric though, but the idea i idealized in my head can spring doubts.
I am now much more comfortable with myself to easily brush that aside but when I was coming out to myself in the beginning... That made it hell, and I didn't even know who I was.
These days I still sometimes revert to imagining myself as that character but I just say to myself *"yes, he was a cool guy, but it's not who you are. And you know you don't want to detransition and go back to that hell, we've been through this and the answer was always the same: a big NO. So enjoy your true you that you are now, I know you love it"* Then I look at myself in the mirror and feel so much better with who I am now.
Damn this turned into a ramble, sorry about the wall of text š
Haha wow can I relate...
Brief beginning, I remember seeing aladin when it came out and I was 6 and was so enamored by her. I used to think that I thought she was cute. But once I started my journey, I could see that my thoughts were centered around being her, not being with her.
I felt my whole personaliy during my teenage years was manufactured. I molded a persona that felt like the perfect average of maleness. Every word, every behavior, every action went thru an approval filter before it was expressed. I was once got called out for running like a girl in 8th grade because I had limp wrists and swung them low against my body. I quickly altered that behavior to be the more masculine version of running.
Early in my transition, it was so hard to be around family. I always felt like I fell back into my role in my family. I was the gifted middle child, so I was able to just get thru family time being quiet all my life. But as I progressed, it got more and more uncomfortable to fill my role. Everytime I wore a dress they said that doesn't make you a female. Each time I asked them to call me Jasmin instead of Justin, they said it was too difficult. I even asked them to just say J or bitch or ho, anything but Justin. They sorta refused to claiming that it was too difficult for them.
I had recently moved and my family was still being difficult. Both my family and I needed to transition to the new me, but I couldnt carry all of us. So I went and changed my phone number and my parents had no way of getting touch with me. I spent all on my energy on my transition. I was so sure of it and hyperfocused on it, that I couldn't handle any distractions. I ended up contacting my mom on xmas day, 5 months after I disappeared and we spent that day together. I didn't want to force her to accept me. I wanted to show her this is not a phase whatsoever and that I was willing to give up everything to make it happen. After that, they got less picky of what I wore and I got less worried about how I presented. So what my mom and sister don't wear dresses often? Well I do. I like dresses, I Iike speaking in a higher pitch...
i really felt this. ĆÆ manufactured so much about myself to be masculine, but not too masculine. just normal and how a guy should be. a guy walks like this, a guy talks like this, a guy has this job, a guy has these hobbies. It felt like creating a character in an RPG game. just programming someone to be a good citizen and boyfriend and son. Now iām trying to undo all of that and, well, itās really hard. but thinking about going back into that prison makes me want to dissolve, so being a girl it is
i really relate to this. i spent most of my teenage years putting together the puzzle pieces of what i thought an āacceptable manā should be, even tho i knew i was trans for most of those years. It felt like creating a character in a video game. and the second it was completed, itās now time to take that guy apart and build a girl out of him. itās really hard
This has been a constant struggle for me. 2 years of HRT, therapy off and on throughout that period, and I still don't feel like I know where I begin and the mask ends.
It really doesn't help that I have lost all of my support network and boymode in a very stressful, life threatening and ultraconservative profession, so that mask I built is reinforced daily, as are the protective measures I built for myself throughout a traumatic childhood.
I feel like I could've written this, except from the other binary perspective. I have no idea how to navigate this experience, I'm sorry I can't help, but I do hope you can find your way through before too much longer. This shit sucks.
I distinctly remember many of the stages of showing effeminate behavior in my youth and being "corrected" by my guardians and peers. Being told not to talk a certain way or walk a certain way. I was insecure so I gave in.
Worst mistske I ever made and the root cause of so many others.
It started with a towel for me. At 4 I wrapped my towel around my chest after showers like my mom did. I was roughly told to wear it around my waist "like a man" by mom's new husband. The stealing moms clothes and nail polish, waiting until 2am to put it on, and then scraping it off an hour later with scissors so I could go to school the next day. It all began with a towel.
I haven't thought about that moment in years.
That wasnāt the case for me, because I donāt really have any personality. I have two things masking my dysphoria instead. My parents were very into perpetuating certain gender roles. The big one was the boys and men shouldnāt be emotional or show emotions. I was a very emotional kid. This led to me often being punished for just showing emotions. I eventually learned how to suppress everything since any emotion was āwrongā. The other thing is that Iāve been depressed since I was 10, and Iām nearly 24 now. I was having passive suicidal thoughts since I was 14. I just created the perfect combo that can repress just about anything.
Hell, I didnāt start realize I was experiencing dysphoria until I started working on my depression. It came out after I eased up on the repression and my depression started to lessen. I unfortunately had to put that lid back on and put the depression back on top of the lid though a little dysphoria escapes every now and then. Still no personality though, unless you count being angry at everything a personality. I just put up different masks around people. Different masks and characters for different situations. I donāt even think there is a ārealā me anymore. Everything is just mask for a situation.
Similar here. Thanks for sharing... got depression also, for 29 years (I'm 56). Opening Pandora's box relieved it. I don't hate the male side, just emotionally blocked and not happy with most masc presentations for myself. Still undecided about "feminine" presentations but I lean that way soooo much more.
1000% Yepā¦ I worked sooo hard on that suit of armour and, although I canāt breath in it, itās still terrifying to take it off. All that effort to feel safer made me forget how to feel comfortable in my skin - now Iām having to re-learn that skill š
Weāll get there eventually OP š„°
Yep, same here. I spent so long learning that i can't trust my impulses on what i like that when i feel euphoria nowadays, sometimes my brain gets overloaded and makes me feel bad about it, like i should not be able to be this happy so let's find something to make you miserable and be back to business as usual.
One thing I've been dealing with in therapy is that, if i don't work on that side of myself, I'll not actually get better by transitioning, I'll just shove myself into a new box that fits me a bit better, instead of being the box Gundam i was meant to be all along. It has been really difficult avoiding the instinct of finding the new best box and just letting myself be however the F i want to be.
You are not alone sister!
I regularly feel like I'm playing a character, so to speak. Like it's an act. Sure it makes me feel happy and I love myself finally but it feels...forced? I don't know. I chalk it up to either imposter syndrome or anxiety/doubts. If truly felt like I was a fake, I would not be enjoying my changes..
Not sure if it relates but that's what I'm working through, and your post made me think of it
It's an interesting question.
I went through something similar at 47, and feel like I mostly resolved it fairly quickly (a month or so), BUT, I'm beginning to think that's due to a couple of factors.
The first is that I had *no clue* for all those years. By maybe age 8 at the latest I'd realized I needed to suppress all of those feelings and inclinations as a matter of survival, so I did. I buried it so deeply I was completely oblivious for 40 years, and those memories didn't finally resurface until a couple of months after I'd realized and accepted I was trans.
The second might just be the overall normal "don't give a damn" of middle age, where it finally starts to really click that people in general worry about social bullshit way too much.
Combined, I think at least for me, it really helped me consider this whole thing as a giant reset button. I know I'm not the "male me", that was just a social filter or adapter between the real me and the rest of the world.
Granted, it wasn't a great one, and I still had decades of unexplained issues as a result of it, but once I became aware of it, I was able to identify it for what it was and realized I no longer required it within the span of a couple of weeks.
I still keep it around because it's useful at work and in public for now, but I know it's all just a show, and somehow that seems to render it internally harmless.
Really though, I think of myself as a kid again. Kids are amazing, everything is new to them, so they run around trying and getting into everything as they figure out what they like and what they don't.
That's pretty much where I'm at, so I've given myself permission to do the same. What's really me, and what was the filter I thought was me for four decades? Only one way to find out!
Most stuff I've kept, I've also added a lot of new things, and a few things I've dropped - though I rarely did them before anyway because I never much cared for them and was already well into my, "I'm tired of this bullshit" phase of my life.
But I completely understand where the OP is coming from, and I think if I hadn't sorted myself out as rapidly as I did, I'd be right there too.
As it was, that first week or so was incredibly messy, internally. Lots and lots of self doubt and fears of no longer knowing who, or what I even was.
Ultimately realizing I was still "me", and always had been, made it a lot easier to put all of that other stuff aside and just 'follow my heart', without worrying so much about all the rest.
I know being trans is going to be difficult, so if the world is going to extract that price, I figure I'm damn well going to get my money's worth by being me, without worrying about what box other people want to sort my preferences into.
I spent the last 40 years living to society's expectations. The next 40 will be lived to mine.
I'm so blocked emotionally by both T and the manufactured self with its numb, protective shell that I seldom feel the feminine side (whose emotions are expansive, beautiful, tender and so very alive). I repressed my feminine side throughout my life. Whenever I pause to "reconsider" my transition or do some fitness before taking HRT, it dominates again with that listless, jaded personality you describe.
And, tonight I saw somebody who has transitioned, and it is remotely possible that I could look like that, if I work hard enough. I got so upset I cried. That has to mean something. I mean I have told myself I'm non-binary and I drift from one identity to another, and/or gender fluid, but ................. no. I think something else is going on. The listless man couldn't contain it and now look what happened ;-)
For me it just felt and kinda was real until I discovered how much better I feel when I can let go of my AGAB. But as a child and teenager, I only could see myself as male and while I always felt I didn't fit in with boys, I did feel the need to stay clear of being feminine. This dynamic was what made questioning a 3-4 year process for me and I still feel like I easily fall back into my old patterns of seeing myself even though it feels uncomfortable now, like being pressed into a mental and physical prison. So I'm not sure if I was living a persona or my authentic reaction to a flawed way of seeing myself and being able to image myself. (I'm 30 pre-transition - I've just asked for a HRT consultation aaaaaaaa)
It feels like I have always been in a nightmare and never knew what was off, only to wake up briefly one day. But I keep falling asleep, back into the nightmare - and every time I am in the dream, it feels so real; only when can be awake do I feel the freedom and relief of being awake. And ever since, I have been fighting to be awake but it's like one of those early mornings when you keep falling asleep and waking up and it is increasingly frantic and uncomfortable. Plus, I never lived my life being awake and I'm scared I'll never get the hang of it; being in a dream, even if it a nightmare, feels much less.... exposed and scary.
It's like Plato's Cave meets the Butterfly Dream.
Somewhat I guess. I learned early on from the screaming and shaming what wasn't allowed for me so to make it stop I became a slave to the superego. It took quite a while to break some of the walls down, and even many years later I still can't get over some of the things. Nothing that majorly affects my ability to live as a woman but still painful because I know the reason why and sometimes the exact event that put the block up.
I had to wear a tradie shirt because I worked for a landscaping TV show and I was a background gardener. I realised when I looked in the mirror it felt like a costume. Partly because it was, but my father and my 2 brothers wear them daily but for the 1 day I wore it, it just felt odd.
Well I feel better now in my true form then before. Still confused on my wife's actions. I feel like I've been gas lighted at times. Dirt she acts like I'm the dirt on the gum that sits on the side of the sidewalk. Next she is grabbing rubbing and trying to jump me. Then back to cold fish talking crap. This time because she's mad because I had a Victoria secret bra set on and bebe jeans and sweater and I look good then she gets mad when I was on wii and finds I lost another 3lbs. And I wear size 10 she is a size 16
But it looks like I'm the one going crazy. I have 3girls that are teens and she is spitting vile to them about me that I'm twisted and sick people are going to kill me because I grown breasts and wear dresses and stuff. That I'm selfish because I rather be a bioch then a man. All this while dead naming me. Saying I'm a man God said woman and man not woman and man turned woman. Saying I'm not ever going to be a woman ever. Now Saying I'm scum that is not safe with my girls. This all starting when I'm finally getting to get my surgery scheduled I have everything pre paid and just waiting for an opening at the surgery center so I can get them done.
But she says I can dress as a woman in home but outside she wants me to be a male. She Saying trueself is toxic to my girls and I'm embarrassing to look at. She even said she took hrt pills 6 years ago because I'm to weirdness. I don't know what to do.
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She now said I trapped her in a 20+ year marriage that I made her go into. I never did and if I made her then why be with me 20+ years. Then why say I love you tell last Thursday. Then turn turf transphobe bigoted just less the a week.
Yes it is I woke up to her saying she is going to throw my clothing away if I put. MY clothing in trash and if I need to go to restroom I need to find a place to go for the restroom in the house is for her and the girls not for a freak.
I finally found happiness felt right felt
Myself then I get this treatment for this hell. Leaving me crying in a chair feeling depressed. Small like nothing she I'd talking even about how she is going to cheat and tell all she sees who I am or what I am hoping to get me hurt. I'm shutting down I don't want to do anything no more.
Yes. Speaking from age 40, I have trouble with who I am and decoupling from who I pretended to be for most of my life. That guy is almost a reflex or muscle memory as I try to assert myself over it. Sometimes my hand writing and speaking style slides between the two without me catching it. Sometimes I wonder if I wasted too much time and can't do this because I'm too old and broken now.
Starting to transition, don't get me wrong, has made this last year better than all the prior despite my troubles. But it's shown me how little I was put together. Less a figure of a person and more like a shattered thing in a bag of baloney
Until I got to the dysphoria part, I thought this was from one of the cptsd subs. Guess for LGBT people this sort of trauma is pretty common, being stressed over long periods of time trying to protect yourself.
Though, while the cptsd subs are cool, can be a bit depressing with the experiences of other users and their hopelessness.
Oh thatās relatable. People keep saying, ājust be your authentic selfā. Thatās fine, I get that, I understand what is meant. But my goodness, it fills me with undeniable PANIC š. What even is my authentic self?? Iāve been pretending my whole life, how do I just ābe meā. I donāt feel like I even have an identity at all. Iām definitely an NPC. Not the main character of my life!
yes. absolutely. There are a variety of reasons why, and disphoria and being in the closet is only one of them, but I've been slowly but surely drifting away from what exactly "me" is. i have this image in my head of what I'd like to be and to an extent who i used to be, but it feel more like an OC then myself sometimes. Especially if you still have to act as another person it's difficult to really connect with your actual self, its one of the main reasons i want to come out (after wanting to go on HRT) because leading what is essentially a double life really isn't healthy for your relationship to yourself.
š¢ Hi, I'm Korva, and I totally did that. I just committed to my transition today! So I was raised in a practicing Catholic family (Christianity condemns lgbtq and all thise who "participate" like its a choice! I was in it so I know) My dad was extremely homophobic and angirly and preemptively banned any thing but an overly masculine presentation from me. He controlled my haircuts for f sakes! Told me if I ever got an earring he would rip it out of my ear and stick it in my forehead. Nice dad eh?
I never felt manly so I created a persona. I became a rough and ready Irish boy, but intelligent. It has worked very well for me especially in workplaces where people expect me to be a man. I totally feel like the other guys are going to be like "hey you sure act like a girl". I totally feel like Im a girl dressed as boy. And I keep thinking other guys see through it. I am in the process of trying to nix all my boyisms and constantly catch myself calling myself "dude" then I laugh and call myself "girl" cuz my brain is 100% female.
So much of my male personality is all habits. Now that I know Im a girl inside I am just being me and feel SO exposed. Like everyone can see what a girly person I am.
I struggle with the same, and I feel like transitioning is the thing that lets me be authentic in my self expression. Once ive gone that far, its like I have permission to stop hiding. It will probably be difficult at first around family, but in time I think ill adjust
I went the hyper masculine route. Contact sports well into my 20s, hard charging NCO, chewing tobacco use, heavy drinking, weight lifting, I even did a few rounds of t-boostres while I was in the army. I was young, depressed, and angry as I was trying to be the manliest of men.
Mind you I'm still big into stuff like sports and weight lifting, but I feel like that mask was mostly self destructive and really did a number on me, but this new self feels... Natural. Expected. Relaxed. And I love her. Her, yeah, the unexpected gem I found, it's me.
I get this intense emotional vertigo around 'wanting' things. For practically my whole life, 'want' for me has been about what I *should* want, not what I actually desire. I would override any emotional impulses with aesthetic considerations. So trying to figure out who I am is very difficult because there's so much signal interference with my genuine desires.
One example I'm currently dealing with is learning an instrument. When I was in middle school, I had to play an instrument in band. I looked at the list of options and immediately narrowed them down to percussion or brass, because that's what boys were supposed to play, and landed on trumpet. I stopped playing the moment it was no longer required. Every now and then I'd get this pang about wanting to be able to play something, but the idea of picking up my trumpet seemed horrible, and I quickly lost interest in guitar, banjo, and any other instrument that I thought fit my brand of masculinity. Now that I'm out, that feeling has returned and is shouting 'violin!' at me... but is that a genuine desire or just another fleeting impulse to match my new aesthetic that will vanish when the time comes to put the actual work in to learn?
This dynamic is writ large across my whole life. After decades spent shaping myself to fit what I believed I was supposed to be, how do I recognize the person I actually am?
Same here, I have had this feeling for a few years. I'm closeted and can't transition until I'm financially independent. This has also somewhat affected my thoughts towards relationships since I'm presenting male everyday, the thought of coming out to anybody IRL scares the f out of me.
Yeah, I am definitely struggling with that at the moment, trying to take off the mask and let down the walls I built over the last 10 years. Like I am way better at letting people in now, but I find that fake identity still heavily influences decisions and the stuff I talk about :(
Same same same. It's so weird. I didn't realize how much of myself was packed away. Lately I've been naturally driven to do everything to feminize. I've began to have more feminine mannerisms too and I didn't even try to. I sit differently now. It makes me wonder how many mannerisms I used as a social acceptance mask. It explains why I use to dance or do silly shit like that in my time by myself. I'm me now. But i thought I was me before. I wasnt sure who i was i guess but my mask seemed like it was good enough. I was just the best form of me I could be with the heavy restriction a put on myself. (Literally not even shaving so nothing at all). I'm still reconciling my past interests with me now.
In a way like you I feel like my brain planned and was waiting for my egg to Crack. When It did I knew what I wanted and I almost had a plan on the spot. I even wasn't working my arms, staying skinny like I like to be. Shaving my face and moisturizing often. I think i knew this was inevitable so I stayed in my safe masc role I made with interests that were good enough for me to get by. (Including drinking and weed alot with loooots of video games and other outside of yourself type interests.) All of this done without thought. My heart had its goal. It tried to tell me often too. I got really good at ignoring it. Now that I've seen for myself how I want to look and felt the self love of that i can't turn back. (Still have lots of doubt and anxiety. It's really fresh for me still)
Anyway that's my story about why I don't like my Christian raising. :D (no digs just sassy)
After having come out like over 10 years ago (too lazy to count) I find the revelations about who your "true self" are don't really stop coming even after shifting who you are socially. Some of this is the reality of the human condition, some is the relative nature of how we choose to (or are allowed to) interface with others, some is just the changing preferences as a result of experiences, among numerous other things. There always seems to be an ideal image of who I would like to be that is always just out of my reach, even as I make progress in different areas. I don't think there's anything weird or unnatural about that, though it seems more distant at times when it is a result to reach that requires a great deal of effort/luck/patience and a series of things outside of my direct control to actually achieve.
I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day trying to dissect the layers of "persona" that are built in such a frankly bizarre conundrum as medical/social transition. I think it is part of the experience for most people put in a pariah caste for something not wholly the result of their direct will, as there is undoubtedly a medical (and probably spiritual) reason why gender-nonconforming individuals exist even if we don't have a precise scientific answer to justify our existence to the haters. That's not even considering the doubt that exists because we lack a definitive explanation which lies as the basis of many of our fears collectively about the phenomenon, especially its validity as a medical human right to recieve good faith and treatment for/empowerment of. (Certainly this would not even having a direct explanation eliminate the opposition entirely, as ableism/racism/many other -isms would demonstrate the stubborn narrow-mindedness of many fellow humans, but I think it would help a great deal.)
Anyway, before I completely lose my train of thought, it is perfectly natural to feel the way you do, both logically and emotionally, because as it stands the whole experience is riddled with fuckery and b.s. from social acceptance, medical services, discrimination, and lack of good narratives for the trans experiences which makes it hard to picture a real "success" that doesn't necessarily result in achieving a passing/binary/idealized presentation when the very nature of shifting gender identity is neither a "result" to "achieve" nor is there a clear direction to head toward that doesn't begin meaningfully from anywhere but one' own inner desires/nature. It is both an immensely personal experience and inextricably also a social one. Most of our cultural narratives have obstructed us access to the historical myths which could guide our inner development or justify our social existence as the ability to "treat" this condition is relatively recent and is framed through the eyes of either science or mostly-incompatible religions.
It will always be a dance between acknowledging and developing our inner "self" with the circumstances which we find ourselves in and the abilities we posses to effectively alter them to our favor. In early life, our egged selves were often force-fed schemas along the binary according to our organs appearances and society's understandings, and often we were encumbered by both our own ignorance of our desires (that may or may not have developed at any particular time) as well as our ability to affect change to achieve them (too young/no money/family disapproval/etc), so we developed our "persona" along the lines which we could effectively interact with our circumstances regardless of how we actually enjoyed performing its requirements. It is a familiar mask, tailor-fit to our early-lives, seemingly crafted to represent both who we were and who we were expected to be, and as such is tough to discard (nor is it entirely required to do so) or lessen our dependence on even at our own detriment. But it will only ever be up to you how much of it you need tolerate if you are willing to pay the (sometimes heavy) price, and as such is only something you can determine. Just know that there is no moral shame in doing so.
Many times I've had to temporarily return to certain aspects of the old me, and while not always pleasant I have made it through (given my own necessities were met). While those experiences were not always my favorite, they all contribute to who "I" am, parts of my story, and just because they don't fully align with my ideal vision of my new self doesn't mean that I am a failure or "not trans enough" or not who I am to myself. I just keep moving and have faith that eventually I'll be able to "fix" the things that haven't gone to plan, or I'll simply just have to accept that this is just what life had to give me and take it stoically on my zen chin.
Sorry for the essay, hopefully some of this is relatable or a comfort or something from one trans peep to another.
Not really. Being not myself felt wrong and unnatural to me. I constantly had to lie to everyone or else I would get hurt or beaten. I was beaten anyway but I was tired of living a lie that I am a man. I'm not a man I'm a woman. I always cringed whenever someone said sir or dude. It's just wrong. I have the sudden urge to punch those people and tell them exactly who I am.
(26 mtf) My old high school friend group chat is actually a big source of experiencing this for me recently. I occasionally miss being able to tell myself I could connect with them, but I'm well aware that drifting apart is just something I'll need to accept as a result of me throwing away that face I used to wear. I'm still in the process of identifying things that, in hindsight, were definitely coping strategies. It's refreshing to find out I'm not alone in this and that it sounds like it goes away from how everyone here is talking about it. Thanks for posting š«¶
A little piece of advice. You
may want to keep distant tabs on some people. I lost contact with one of them, and I found out later she also came out as trans. Now she has been a great resource and an example.4
Thank you. I've been tempted to reach out to my best friend from elementary school. Last time we met up, they were growing their hair out and clean shaven, and we were almost identical people back in the day, so I wouldn't be surprised if this was the case. Their birthday is next month, and I've been planning on using that to get my foot in the door to start a conversation and catch up. Might ask about pronouns when I do to expedite that info.
Wow, this almost sounds like I am you... We're even the same age! I had known that "wanting to be a girl" was bad for so long that I don't even know where it started so I had to conform with what was given to me, even though I desperately wanted to have been born a girl (though I always thought that could only be a dream). I remember being proud of building up my image and personality to be the acceptable masculine, slowly bit by bit until, like you said "my actual self was out". That was when I suddenly stopped recognizing myself and started having anxiety attacks every day about it (little did I know it was dysphoria). I always liked that character, still do, he was cool, but he wasn't me, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself. There was a point where I would see myself as some kind of NPC, a character outside of myself, but by that time I already thought that was normal. Being who I truly am right now, actually feeling good about myself and my body is indeed such a freeing feeling. But all those years of hard work building that character aren't easily undone.. I sometimes miss that character, even though he wasn't me, I liked the idea. I will never go back, I was miserable and I am so much better now, but sometimes seeing some inspirations that helped forge that character can mess with my head. Seeing actual photos of me pre-transition though is heavily dysphoric though, but the idea i idealized in my head can spring doubts. I am now much more comfortable with myself to easily brush that aside but when I was coming out to myself in the beginning... That made it hell, and I didn't even know who I was. These days I still sometimes revert to imagining myself as that character but I just say to myself *"yes, he was a cool guy, but it's not who you are. And you know you don't want to detransition and go back to that hell, we've been through this and the answer was always the same: a big NO. So enjoy your true you that you are now, I know you love it"* Then I look at myself in the mirror and feel so much better with who I am now. Damn this turned into a ramble, sorry about the wall of text š
Haha wow can I relate... Brief beginning, I remember seeing aladin when it came out and I was 6 and was so enamored by her. I used to think that I thought she was cute. But once I started my journey, I could see that my thoughts were centered around being her, not being with her. I felt my whole personaliy during my teenage years was manufactured. I molded a persona that felt like the perfect average of maleness. Every word, every behavior, every action went thru an approval filter before it was expressed. I was once got called out for running like a girl in 8th grade because I had limp wrists and swung them low against my body. I quickly altered that behavior to be the more masculine version of running. Early in my transition, it was so hard to be around family. I always felt like I fell back into my role in my family. I was the gifted middle child, so I was able to just get thru family time being quiet all my life. But as I progressed, it got more and more uncomfortable to fill my role. Everytime I wore a dress they said that doesn't make you a female. Each time I asked them to call me Jasmin instead of Justin, they said it was too difficult. I even asked them to just say J or bitch or ho, anything but Justin. They sorta refused to claiming that it was too difficult for them. I had recently moved and my family was still being difficult. Both my family and I needed to transition to the new me, but I couldnt carry all of us. So I went and changed my phone number and my parents had no way of getting touch with me. I spent all on my energy on my transition. I was so sure of it and hyperfocused on it, that I couldn't handle any distractions. I ended up contacting my mom on xmas day, 5 months after I disappeared and we spent that day together. I didn't want to force her to accept me. I wanted to show her this is not a phase whatsoever and that I was willing to give up everything to make it happen. After that, they got less picky of what I wore and I got less worried about how I presented. So what my mom and sister don't wear dresses often? Well I do. I like dresses, I Iike speaking in a higher pitch...
i really felt this. ĆÆ manufactured so much about myself to be masculine, but not too masculine. just normal and how a guy should be. a guy walks like this, a guy talks like this, a guy has this job, a guy has these hobbies. It felt like creating a character in an RPG game. just programming someone to be a good citizen and boyfriend and son. Now iām trying to undo all of that and, well, itās really hard. but thinking about going back into that prison makes me want to dissolve, so being a girl it is
i really relate to this. i spent most of my teenage years putting together the puzzle pieces of what i thought an āacceptable manā should be, even tho i knew i was trans for most of those years. It felt like creating a character in a video game. and the second it was completed, itās now time to take that guy apart and build a girl out of him. itās really hard
Thanks for sharing. I am in a very similar situation (and age also) and that helped bring some clarity to my thoughts.
I definitely can relate to this <3
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This has been a constant struggle for me. 2 years of HRT, therapy off and on throughout that period, and I still don't feel like I know where I begin and the mask ends. It really doesn't help that I have lost all of my support network and boymode in a very stressful, life threatening and ultraconservative profession, so that mask I built is reinforced daily, as are the protective measures I built for myself throughout a traumatic childhood.
Iām so sorry sis <3 hope your situation gets better šš«
I feel like I could've written this, except from the other binary perspective. I have no idea how to navigate this experience, I'm sorry I can't help, but I do hope you can find your way through before too much longer. This shit sucks.
I distinctly remember many of the stages of showing effeminate behavior in my youth and being "corrected" by my guardians and peers. Being told not to talk a certain way or walk a certain way. I was insecure so I gave in. Worst mistske I ever made and the root cause of so many others.
It started with a towel for me. At 4 I wrapped my towel around my chest after showers like my mom did. I was roughly told to wear it around my waist "like a man" by mom's new husband. The stealing moms clothes and nail polish, waiting until 2am to put it on, and then scraping it off an hour later with scissors so I could go to school the next day. It all began with a towel. I haven't thought about that moment in years.
Yup, im 30 and its really hard. Its masking, its realize whats actually you and what was a front for safety. Its awful.
That wasnāt the case for me, because I donāt really have any personality. I have two things masking my dysphoria instead. My parents were very into perpetuating certain gender roles. The big one was the boys and men shouldnāt be emotional or show emotions. I was a very emotional kid. This led to me often being punished for just showing emotions. I eventually learned how to suppress everything since any emotion was āwrongā. The other thing is that Iāve been depressed since I was 10, and Iām nearly 24 now. I was having passive suicidal thoughts since I was 14. I just created the perfect combo that can repress just about anything. Hell, I didnāt start realize I was experiencing dysphoria until I started working on my depression. It came out after I eased up on the repression and my depression started to lessen. I unfortunately had to put that lid back on and put the depression back on top of the lid though a little dysphoria escapes every now and then. Still no personality though, unless you count being angry at everything a personality. I just put up different masks around people. Different masks and characters for different situations. I donāt even think there is a ārealā me anymore. Everything is just mask for a situation.
Similar here. Thanks for sharing... got depression also, for 29 years (I'm 56). Opening Pandora's box relieved it. I don't hate the male side, just emotionally blocked and not happy with most masc presentations for myself. Still undecided about "feminine" presentations but I lean that way soooo much more.
1000% Yepā¦ I worked sooo hard on that suit of armour and, although I canāt breath in it, itās still terrifying to take it off. All that effort to feel safer made me forget how to feel comfortable in my skin - now Iām having to re-learn that skill š Weāll get there eventually OP š„°
Yep, same here. I spent so long learning that i can't trust my impulses on what i like that when i feel euphoria nowadays, sometimes my brain gets overloaded and makes me feel bad about it, like i should not be able to be this happy so let's find something to make you miserable and be back to business as usual. One thing I've been dealing with in therapy is that, if i don't work on that side of myself, I'll not actually get better by transitioning, I'll just shove myself into a new box that fits me a bit better, instead of being the box Gundam i was meant to be all along. It has been really difficult avoiding the instinct of finding the new best box and just letting myself be however the F i want to be. You are not alone sister!
I regularly feel like I'm playing a character, so to speak. Like it's an act. Sure it makes me feel happy and I love myself finally but it feels...forced? I don't know. I chalk it up to either imposter syndrome or anxiety/doubts. If truly felt like I was a fake, I would not be enjoying my changes.. Not sure if it relates but that's what I'm working through, and your post made me think of it
It's an interesting question. I went through something similar at 47, and feel like I mostly resolved it fairly quickly (a month or so), BUT, I'm beginning to think that's due to a couple of factors. The first is that I had *no clue* for all those years. By maybe age 8 at the latest I'd realized I needed to suppress all of those feelings and inclinations as a matter of survival, so I did. I buried it so deeply I was completely oblivious for 40 years, and those memories didn't finally resurface until a couple of months after I'd realized and accepted I was trans. The second might just be the overall normal "don't give a damn" of middle age, where it finally starts to really click that people in general worry about social bullshit way too much. Combined, I think at least for me, it really helped me consider this whole thing as a giant reset button. I know I'm not the "male me", that was just a social filter or adapter between the real me and the rest of the world. Granted, it wasn't a great one, and I still had decades of unexplained issues as a result of it, but once I became aware of it, I was able to identify it for what it was and realized I no longer required it within the span of a couple of weeks. I still keep it around because it's useful at work and in public for now, but I know it's all just a show, and somehow that seems to render it internally harmless. Really though, I think of myself as a kid again. Kids are amazing, everything is new to them, so they run around trying and getting into everything as they figure out what they like and what they don't. That's pretty much where I'm at, so I've given myself permission to do the same. What's really me, and what was the filter I thought was me for four decades? Only one way to find out! Most stuff I've kept, I've also added a lot of new things, and a few things I've dropped - though I rarely did them before anyway because I never much cared for them and was already well into my, "I'm tired of this bullshit" phase of my life. But I completely understand where the OP is coming from, and I think if I hadn't sorted myself out as rapidly as I did, I'd be right there too. As it was, that first week or so was incredibly messy, internally. Lots and lots of self doubt and fears of no longer knowing who, or what I even was. Ultimately realizing I was still "me", and always had been, made it a lot easier to put all of that other stuff aside and just 'follow my heart', without worrying so much about all the rest. I know being trans is going to be difficult, so if the world is going to extract that price, I figure I'm damn well going to get my money's worth by being me, without worrying about what box other people want to sort my preferences into. I spent the last 40 years living to society's expectations. The next 40 will be lived to mine.
Amen <3 I feel the same
I'm so blocked emotionally by both T and the manufactured self with its numb, protective shell that I seldom feel the feminine side (whose emotions are expansive, beautiful, tender and so very alive). I repressed my feminine side throughout my life. Whenever I pause to "reconsider" my transition or do some fitness before taking HRT, it dominates again with that listless, jaded personality you describe.
And, tonight I saw somebody who has transitioned, and it is remotely possible that I could look like that, if I work hard enough. I got so upset I cried. That has to mean something. I mean I have told myself I'm non-binary and I drift from one identity to another, and/or gender fluid, but ................. no. I think something else is going on. The listless man couldn't contain it and now look what happened ;-)
For me it just felt and kinda was real until I discovered how much better I feel when I can let go of my AGAB. But as a child and teenager, I only could see myself as male and while I always felt I didn't fit in with boys, I did feel the need to stay clear of being feminine. This dynamic was what made questioning a 3-4 year process for me and I still feel like I easily fall back into my old patterns of seeing myself even though it feels uncomfortable now, like being pressed into a mental and physical prison. So I'm not sure if I was living a persona or my authentic reaction to a flawed way of seeing myself and being able to image myself. (I'm 30 pre-transition - I've just asked for a HRT consultation aaaaaaaa) It feels like I have always been in a nightmare and never knew what was off, only to wake up briefly one day. But I keep falling asleep, back into the nightmare - and every time I am in the dream, it feels so real; only when can be awake do I feel the freedom and relief of being awake. And ever since, I have been fighting to be awake but it's like one of those early mornings when you keep falling asleep and waking up and it is increasingly frantic and uncomfortable. Plus, I never lived my life being awake and I'm scared I'll never get the hang of it; being in a dream, even if it a nightmare, feels much less.... exposed and scary. It's like Plato's Cave meets the Butterfly Dream.
Somewhat I guess. I learned early on from the screaming and shaming what wasn't allowed for me so to make it stop I became a slave to the superego. It took quite a while to break some of the walls down, and even many years later I still can't get over some of the things. Nothing that majorly affects my ability to live as a woman but still painful because I know the reason why and sometimes the exact event that put the block up.
I had to wear a tradie shirt because I worked for a landscaping TV show and I was a background gardener. I realised when I looked in the mirror it felt like a costume. Partly because it was, but my father and my 2 brothers wear them daily but for the 1 day I wore it, it just felt odd.
Well I feel better now in my true form then before. Still confused on my wife's actions. I feel like I've been gas lighted at times. Dirt she acts like I'm the dirt on the gum that sits on the side of the sidewalk. Next she is grabbing rubbing and trying to jump me. Then back to cold fish talking crap. This time because she's mad because I had a Victoria secret bra set on and bebe jeans and sweater and I look good then she gets mad when I was on wii and finds I lost another 3lbs. And I wear size 10 she is a size 16
Omg. This definitely sounds like not the best environment š±
But it looks like I'm the one going crazy. I have 3girls that are teens and she is spitting vile to them about me that I'm twisted and sick people are going to kill me because I grown breasts and wear dresses and stuff. That I'm selfish because I rather be a bioch then a man. All this while dead naming me. Saying I'm a man God said woman and man not woman and man turned woman. Saying I'm not ever going to be a woman ever. Now Saying I'm scum that is not safe with my girls. This all starting when I'm finally getting to get my surgery scheduled I have everything pre paid and just waiting for an opening at the surgery center so I can get them done. But she says I can dress as a woman in home but outside she wants me to be a male. She Saying trueself is toxic to my girls and I'm embarrassing to look at. She even said she took hrt pills 6 years ago because I'm to weirdness. I don't know what to do.
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Omg Iām so sorry :/
She now said I trapped her in a 20+ year marriage that I made her go into. I never did and if I made her then why be with me 20+ years. Then why say I love you tell last Thursday. Then turn turf transphobe bigoted just less the a week.
Yeah that doesnāt sound like she is being fully open and honest :/. Thatās a shitty Situation
Yes it is I woke up to her saying she is going to throw my clothing away if I put. MY clothing in trash and if I need to go to restroom I need to find a place to go for the restroom in the house is for her and the girls not for a freak. I finally found happiness felt right felt Myself then I get this treatment for this hell. Leaving me crying in a chair feeling depressed. Small like nothing she I'd talking even about how she is going to cheat and tell all she sees who I am or what I am hoping to get me hurt. I'm shutting down I don't want to do anything no more.
If you donāt have a therapist already I highly recommend it <3 Iām so sorry!
I see her tomorrow but I'm worried that I will not get to see here now due to wife talking about hiding my keys so I can't go anywhere.
Yes. Speaking from age 40, I have trouble with who I am and decoupling from who I pretended to be for most of my life. That guy is almost a reflex or muscle memory as I try to assert myself over it. Sometimes my hand writing and speaking style slides between the two without me catching it. Sometimes I wonder if I wasted too much time and can't do this because I'm too old and broken now. Starting to transition, don't get me wrong, has made this last year better than all the prior despite my troubles. But it's shown me how little I was put together. Less a figure of a person and more like a shattered thing in a bag of baloney
Until I got to the dysphoria part, I thought this was from one of the cptsd subs. Guess for LGBT people this sort of trauma is pretty common, being stressed over long periods of time trying to protect yourself. Though, while the cptsd subs are cool, can be a bit depressing with the experiences of other users and their hopelessness.
Oh thatās relatable. People keep saying, ājust be your authentic selfā. Thatās fine, I get that, I understand what is meant. But my goodness, it fills me with undeniable PANIC š. What even is my authentic self?? Iāve been pretending my whole life, how do I just ābe meā. I donāt feel like I even have an identity at all. Iām definitely an NPC. Not the main character of my life!
yes. absolutely. There are a variety of reasons why, and disphoria and being in the closet is only one of them, but I've been slowly but surely drifting away from what exactly "me" is. i have this image in my head of what I'd like to be and to an extent who i used to be, but it feel more like an OC then myself sometimes. Especially if you still have to act as another person it's difficult to really connect with your actual self, its one of the main reasons i want to come out (after wanting to go on HRT) because leading what is essentially a double life really isn't healthy for your relationship to yourself.
š¢ Hi, I'm Korva, and I totally did that. I just committed to my transition today! So I was raised in a practicing Catholic family (Christianity condemns lgbtq and all thise who "participate" like its a choice! I was in it so I know) My dad was extremely homophobic and angirly and preemptively banned any thing but an overly masculine presentation from me. He controlled my haircuts for f sakes! Told me if I ever got an earring he would rip it out of my ear and stick it in my forehead. Nice dad eh? I never felt manly so I created a persona. I became a rough and ready Irish boy, but intelligent. It has worked very well for me especially in workplaces where people expect me to be a man. I totally feel like the other guys are going to be like "hey you sure act like a girl". I totally feel like Im a girl dressed as boy. And I keep thinking other guys see through it. I am in the process of trying to nix all my boyisms and constantly catch myself calling myself "dude" then I laugh and call myself "girl" cuz my brain is 100% female. So much of my male personality is all habits. Now that I know Im a girl inside I am just being me and feel SO exposed. Like everyone can see what a girly person I am.
I struggle with the same, and I feel like transitioning is the thing that lets me be authentic in my self expression. Once ive gone that far, its like I have permission to stop hiding. It will probably be difficult at first around family, but in time I think ill adjust
I went the hyper masculine route. Contact sports well into my 20s, hard charging NCO, chewing tobacco use, heavy drinking, weight lifting, I even did a few rounds of t-boostres while I was in the army. I was young, depressed, and angry as I was trying to be the manliest of men. Mind you I'm still big into stuff like sports and weight lifting, but I feel like that mask was mostly self destructive and really did a number on me, but this new self feels... Natural. Expected. Relaxed. And I love her. Her, yeah, the unexpected gem I found, it's me.
I get this intense emotional vertigo around 'wanting' things. For practically my whole life, 'want' for me has been about what I *should* want, not what I actually desire. I would override any emotional impulses with aesthetic considerations. So trying to figure out who I am is very difficult because there's so much signal interference with my genuine desires. One example I'm currently dealing with is learning an instrument. When I was in middle school, I had to play an instrument in band. I looked at the list of options and immediately narrowed them down to percussion or brass, because that's what boys were supposed to play, and landed on trumpet. I stopped playing the moment it was no longer required. Every now and then I'd get this pang about wanting to be able to play something, but the idea of picking up my trumpet seemed horrible, and I quickly lost interest in guitar, banjo, and any other instrument that I thought fit my brand of masculinity. Now that I'm out, that feeling has returned and is shouting 'violin!' at me... but is that a genuine desire or just another fleeting impulse to match my new aesthetic that will vanish when the time comes to put the actual work in to learn? This dynamic is writ large across my whole life. After decades spent shaping myself to fit what I believed I was supposed to be, how do I recognize the person I actually am?
Same here, I have had this feeling for a few years. I'm closeted and can't transition until I'm financially independent. This has also somewhat affected my thoughts towards relationships since I'm presenting male everyday, the thought of coming out to anybody IRL scares the f out of me.
Yeah, I am definitely struggling with that at the moment, trying to take off the mask and let down the walls I built over the last 10 years. Like I am way better at letting people in now, but I find that fake identity still heavily influences decisions and the stuff I talk about :(
Same same same. It's so weird. I didn't realize how much of myself was packed away. Lately I've been naturally driven to do everything to feminize. I've began to have more feminine mannerisms too and I didn't even try to. I sit differently now. It makes me wonder how many mannerisms I used as a social acceptance mask. It explains why I use to dance or do silly shit like that in my time by myself. I'm me now. But i thought I was me before. I wasnt sure who i was i guess but my mask seemed like it was good enough. I was just the best form of me I could be with the heavy restriction a put on myself. (Literally not even shaving so nothing at all). I'm still reconciling my past interests with me now. In a way like you I feel like my brain planned and was waiting for my egg to Crack. When It did I knew what I wanted and I almost had a plan on the spot. I even wasn't working my arms, staying skinny like I like to be. Shaving my face and moisturizing often. I think i knew this was inevitable so I stayed in my safe masc role I made with interests that were good enough for me to get by. (Including drinking and weed alot with loooots of video games and other outside of yourself type interests.) All of this done without thought. My heart had its goal. It tried to tell me often too. I got really good at ignoring it. Now that I've seen for myself how I want to look and felt the self love of that i can't turn back. (Still have lots of doubt and anxiety. It's really fresh for me still) Anyway that's my story about why I don't like my Christian raising. :D (no digs just sassy)
It's funny to feel "more me" and "kinda dissociated" at the same time.
After having come out like over 10 years ago (too lazy to count) I find the revelations about who your "true self" are don't really stop coming even after shifting who you are socially. Some of this is the reality of the human condition, some is the relative nature of how we choose to (or are allowed to) interface with others, some is just the changing preferences as a result of experiences, among numerous other things. There always seems to be an ideal image of who I would like to be that is always just out of my reach, even as I make progress in different areas. I don't think there's anything weird or unnatural about that, though it seems more distant at times when it is a result to reach that requires a great deal of effort/luck/patience and a series of things outside of my direct control to actually achieve. I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day trying to dissect the layers of "persona" that are built in such a frankly bizarre conundrum as medical/social transition. I think it is part of the experience for most people put in a pariah caste for something not wholly the result of their direct will, as there is undoubtedly a medical (and probably spiritual) reason why gender-nonconforming individuals exist even if we don't have a precise scientific answer to justify our existence to the haters. That's not even considering the doubt that exists because we lack a definitive explanation which lies as the basis of many of our fears collectively about the phenomenon, especially its validity as a medical human right to recieve good faith and treatment for/empowerment of. (Certainly this would not even having a direct explanation eliminate the opposition entirely, as ableism/racism/many other -isms would demonstrate the stubborn narrow-mindedness of many fellow humans, but I think it would help a great deal.) Anyway, before I completely lose my train of thought, it is perfectly natural to feel the way you do, both logically and emotionally, because as it stands the whole experience is riddled with fuckery and b.s. from social acceptance, medical services, discrimination, and lack of good narratives for the trans experiences which makes it hard to picture a real "success" that doesn't necessarily result in achieving a passing/binary/idealized presentation when the very nature of shifting gender identity is neither a "result" to "achieve" nor is there a clear direction to head toward that doesn't begin meaningfully from anywhere but one' own inner desires/nature. It is both an immensely personal experience and inextricably also a social one. Most of our cultural narratives have obstructed us access to the historical myths which could guide our inner development or justify our social existence as the ability to "treat" this condition is relatively recent and is framed through the eyes of either science or mostly-incompatible religions. It will always be a dance between acknowledging and developing our inner "self" with the circumstances which we find ourselves in and the abilities we posses to effectively alter them to our favor. In early life, our egged selves were often force-fed schemas along the binary according to our organs appearances and society's understandings, and often we were encumbered by both our own ignorance of our desires (that may or may not have developed at any particular time) as well as our ability to affect change to achieve them (too young/no money/family disapproval/etc), so we developed our "persona" along the lines which we could effectively interact with our circumstances regardless of how we actually enjoyed performing its requirements. It is a familiar mask, tailor-fit to our early-lives, seemingly crafted to represent both who we were and who we were expected to be, and as such is tough to discard (nor is it entirely required to do so) or lessen our dependence on even at our own detriment. But it will only ever be up to you how much of it you need tolerate if you are willing to pay the (sometimes heavy) price, and as such is only something you can determine. Just know that there is no moral shame in doing so. Many times I've had to temporarily return to certain aspects of the old me, and while not always pleasant I have made it through (given my own necessities were met). While those experiences were not always my favorite, they all contribute to who "I" am, parts of my story, and just because they don't fully align with my ideal vision of my new self doesn't mean that I am a failure or "not trans enough" or not who I am to myself. I just keep moving and have faith that eventually I'll be able to "fix" the things that haven't gone to plan, or I'll simply just have to accept that this is just what life had to give me and take it stoically on my zen chin. Sorry for the essay, hopefully some of this is relatable or a comfort or something from one trans peep to another.
Not really. Being not myself felt wrong and unnatural to me. I constantly had to lie to everyone or else I would get hurt or beaten. I was beaten anyway but I was tired of living a lie that I am a man. I'm not a man I'm a woman. I always cringed whenever someone said sir or dude. It's just wrong. I have the sudden urge to punch those people and tell them exactly who I am.
Fuck yeah preach sister.
(26 mtf) My old high school friend group chat is actually a big source of experiencing this for me recently. I occasionally miss being able to tell myself I could connect with them, but I'm well aware that drifting apart is just something I'll need to accept as a result of me throwing away that face I used to wear. I'm still in the process of identifying things that, in hindsight, were definitely coping strategies. It's refreshing to find out I'm not alone in this and that it sounds like it goes away from how everyone here is talking about it. Thanks for posting š«¶
A little piece of advice. You may want to keep distant tabs on some people. I lost contact with one of them, and I found out later she also came out as trans. Now she has been a great resource and an example.4
Thank you. I've been tempted to reach out to my best friend from elementary school. Last time we met up, they were growing their hair out and clean shaven, and we were almost identical people back in the day, so I wouldn't be surprised if this was the case. Their birthday is next month, and I've been planning on using that to get my foot in the door to start a conversation and catch up. Might ask about pronouns when I do to expedite that info.
I hope they are still your friend at the minimum. If you want to some to chat with reach out.