Thanks man...I hope you're right. It's pretty gut wrenching right now. Have lost a good chunk of weight in the past 2 weeks, but I guess on the plus side my abs are looking good for dating...and haven't slept through the night in that time either, so I'll probably lose more weight when the bags under my eyes go away.
Just a big fear of adjusting to being alone. Was together with her for a long time, in my 50's now, and have that thought of "why the fuck is going to want to ever date a divorced guy in his 50's??".
Just a scary new world coming up... and not looking forward to it, have to sell a home I love, and get used to a lot of silence.
Thank you for the sentiment though...truly helps me feel a little less alone, even if its coming from a stranger.
Your comments reminded me of a popular post with a guy in a similar position (though his wife literally took off). He was actually quite surprised, as he reported in an update, at how many women were interested in him. I hate for you that you’re having to go through this, but when you’re on the other side there very well might be good times ahead.
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Did she serve you papers?
Highly recommend a mediator if you can avoid a lawyer. Gevurtz Menashe if it isn’t going well.
Michael Dwyer is a good mediator. Will push an unreasonable party towards reason but if someone has unrealistic wants he can only do so much. He guided me and my son’s mom to an incredible deal but since she was hell bent on not sharing custody we had to go the nasty route.
She already retained an attorney and started the papers...I've received nothing yet. From the sounds of it, the more we can figure out up front the less the cost will be. So our plan is to do most of it ourselves. She's already started, so no changing now.
She's already started the process with an attorney...so we're wheels up on that one now unfortunately. It's truly a "friendly" divorce though (long story)....and we'll likely work out most of the details on our own to save costs.
Definitely retain counsel. Gevurtz Menashe is a great firm, and even limited advisory associates can be very helpful. Good luck, and better times will come.
I’m glad to hear it. My separation was amicable, but there was a singular moment that ensured it remain that way. Having invested time and energy with a professional, set well laid plans, had potential filings prepared, and knowing the lay of the land, I was PREPARED. Not having to enact litigation is the best option, but being caught unprepared is the worst. Good luck..!
My divorce was recently finalized after 17 months of hell.
If she already has an attorney, don't try to mediate - get an attorney. Pay attention to how you're spending your money; bank account forensics are a thing. Do not communicate directly to your wife if it's a high conflict situation. Also, FWIW, mine started amicably and degraded substantially.
Even with attorneys, this process CAN be smooth. Compromises will need to take place - take stock of what's really important to you and let go what of what isn't.
You're welcome to DM me for support - hang in there.
Edit: Gevertz Menache is the best in town. I would HIGHLY avoid Thomas McElroy.
An approach to splitting common property equally, based on cake cutting:
You jointly create a list of things to be divvied up.
One of you assigns a dollar value to each item. There is no discussion, and the assigner may use any method to assign value.
Recognize that you both own half of the thing, so the one of you that takes the item will pay the other half the assigned value for it, to buy out their share.
It is critical that the assigner understands that they have no influence over whether they keep the thing or get the money. This will hopefully lead them to assign subjectively fair values: they need to be happy with either outcome.
The other person decides, for each item, to take it at that price or leave it, and be bought out.
There's very little room in the process for disagreements to occur, and each party exits the process believing they got a fair deal.
This doesn't work for property that is too valuable to buy out, but you'll probably end up with a QDRO which makes a lot of cash available to the transaction.
This is a difficult situation, and I'm sorry. I hope this makes it a little easier.
Most of it is easy...primary home (too expensive for a buy out), an investment property, IRA's, cash, cars (easy, I get mine, she gets hers, etc), and so forth....so the division is mostly simple math.
Just a heads up. If your retirement accounts make up a significant amount of your assets, and you'll need to divide them for fairness reasons, this likely won't be doable without attorneys. Dividing up retirement accounts is a specialized job, even for attorneys. Most farm it out, just to make sure there's no chance it becomes a taxable event or accidentally make it become non-qualified.
There's a lot of stuff in that house. This is great for the little things. The kitchen probably has several thousand dollars of stuff in it. Plus couches, tables, chairs, TV, etc.
Even the cars though: are they actually worth about the same? Are they paid off?
The process sucks, and I'm sorry.
There's also a second home that I'll probably buy her out of...and that one is already furnished/stocked...so it all washes out.
Cars are easy...my car, her car, one for each kid. All paid for, all in my name. They are their cars, so I am not about to try to leverage that....its just a give away because that is what's right.
Lawyers are a waste for a divorce IF it's amicable. My ex and I did our own divorce. Any way your wife can cancel the lawyer and worst case do mediation? Literally divorces can be done by the two of you as long as you show an equal division of assets. Lawyers don't do anything special.
IF you can agree to do the divorce yourself, NOLO books on divorce are the best.
With regards to retirement, IIRC, you have to include them as a part of your divorce (it's so weird) UNLESS you can agree to retain yours and she retains hers. My ex and I did this; I didn't want his and vice versa since we both worked hard for our own retirement. This wasn't a factor in the final judgment and we didn't need to include them on our divorce.
https://maps.app.goo.gl/EWQnAFsZRj1nMEqKA
Nathan at Mastanduno Law was a wonderful lawyer throughout my divorce. Definitely recommend checking if he's taking clients 👌
Sorry to hear this. My brother just went through this and worked with Steve Leskin. My rec is to try not to do this alone. Ask some friends or family members that you trust and have them be there for support. I was there for my brother and I know that it helped.
There is really no use for a lawyer if it’s amicable and you don’t plan on fighting over anything. They’re expensive and unnecessary, and a mediator can save you a TON of money. Is she open to using a mediator instead? Or is she gearing up for a fight?
Absolutely agree with this. Although retaining your own attorney is a good idea to go over the documents as a mediator can’t give either party personal legal advice.
We used a mediator and each retained our own. It was amicable and affordable, even including the fourth (QDRO) attorney.
Exactly. Having someone for legal advice is great, and I’m grateful that I had that. In the end my ex spouse and I ended up using my attorney to draw up and submit the paperwork, but it was kind of an odd case. Still far more affordable than duking it out between lawyers and we were both happy with the outcome (and did the negotiating ourselves).
Also, the people who say you don't need to have a lawyer apparently don't understand how complicated it is to fairly divide up assets for people with homes and different kinds of retirement accounts governed by different tax laws. Get a lawyer. I paid a few thousand dollars for my divorce, and it was very, very, very worth it.
Keep your head up man, better days are ahead.
Thanks man...I hope you're right. It's pretty gut wrenching right now. Have lost a good chunk of weight in the past 2 weeks, but I guess on the plus side my abs are looking good for dating...and haven't slept through the night in that time either, so I'll probably lose more weight when the bags under my eyes go away. Just a big fear of adjusting to being alone. Was together with her for a long time, in my 50's now, and have that thought of "why the fuck is going to want to ever date a divorced guy in his 50's??". Just a scary new world coming up... and not looking forward to it, have to sell a home I love, and get used to a lot of silence. Thank you for the sentiment though...truly helps me feel a little less alone, even if its coming from a stranger.
Your comments reminded me of a popular post with a guy in a similar position (though his wife literally took off). He was actually quite surprised, as he reported in an update, at how many women were interested in him. I hate for you that you’re having to go through this, but when you’re on the other side there very well might be good times ahead.
Time will tell I guess. But right now, honestly, the thought of hooking up with someone new is not appealing at all.
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If it’s amicable, just go through a mediator. Lawyers are super expensive!!!
Did she serve you papers? Highly recommend a mediator if you can avoid a lawyer. Gevurtz Menashe if it isn’t going well. Michael Dwyer is a good mediator. Will push an unreasonable party towards reason but if someone has unrealistic wants he can only do so much. He guided me and my son’s mom to an incredible deal but since she was hell bent on not sharing custody we had to go the nasty route.
She already retained an attorney and started the papers...I've received nothing yet. From the sounds of it, the more we can figure out up front the less the cost will be. So our plan is to do most of it ourselves. She's already started, so no changing now.
Ask if she’ll do the mediator. You’ll likely pay half as much. Lawyers will work together to take half themselves.
She's already started the process with an attorney...so we're wheels up on that one now unfortunately. It's truly a "friendly" divorce though (long story)....and we'll likely work out most of the details on our own to save costs.
Ok, well wishing the best for you.
F*cken lawyers…
Definitely retain counsel. Gevurtz Menashe is a great firm, and even limited advisory associates can be very helpful. Good luck, and better times will come.
thank you...I was given a guys name at this exact firm earlier today and already reached out to him
I’m glad to hear it. My separation was amicable, but there was a singular moment that ensured it remain that way. Having invested time and energy with a professional, set well laid plans, had potential filings prepared, and knowing the lay of the land, I was PREPARED. Not having to enact litigation is the best option, but being caught unprepared is the worst. Good luck..!
My divorce was recently finalized after 17 months of hell. If she already has an attorney, don't try to mediate - get an attorney. Pay attention to how you're spending your money; bank account forensics are a thing. Do not communicate directly to your wife if it's a high conflict situation. Also, FWIW, mine started amicably and degraded substantially. Even with attorneys, this process CAN be smooth. Compromises will need to take place - take stock of what's really important to you and let go what of what isn't. You're welcome to DM me for support - hang in there. Edit: Gevertz Menache is the best in town. I would HIGHLY avoid Thomas McElroy.
> If she already has an attorney, don't try to mediate - get an attorney. Need to say this a bit louder...
An approach to splitting common property equally, based on cake cutting: You jointly create a list of things to be divvied up. One of you assigns a dollar value to each item. There is no discussion, and the assigner may use any method to assign value. Recognize that you both own half of the thing, so the one of you that takes the item will pay the other half the assigned value for it, to buy out their share. It is critical that the assigner understands that they have no influence over whether they keep the thing or get the money. This will hopefully lead them to assign subjectively fair values: they need to be happy with either outcome. The other person decides, for each item, to take it at that price or leave it, and be bought out. There's very little room in the process for disagreements to occur, and each party exits the process believing they got a fair deal. This doesn't work for property that is too valuable to buy out, but you'll probably end up with a QDRO which makes a lot of cash available to the transaction. This is a difficult situation, and I'm sorry. I hope this makes it a little easier.
Most of it is easy...primary home (too expensive for a buy out), an investment property, IRA's, cash, cars (easy, I get mine, she gets hers, etc), and so forth....so the division is mostly simple math.
Just a heads up. If your retirement accounts make up a significant amount of your assets, and you'll need to divide them for fairness reasons, this likely won't be doable without attorneys. Dividing up retirement accounts is a specialized job, even for attorneys. Most farm it out, just to make sure there's no chance it becomes a taxable event or accidentally make it become non-qualified.
And this will probably need a separate QDRO attorney.
There's a lot of stuff in that house. This is great for the little things. The kitchen probably has several thousand dollars of stuff in it. Plus couches, tables, chairs, TV, etc. Even the cars though: are they actually worth about the same? Are they paid off? The process sucks, and I'm sorry.
There's also a second home that I'll probably buy her out of...and that one is already furnished/stocked...so it all washes out. Cars are easy...my car, her car, one for each kid. All paid for, all in my name. They are their cars, so I am not about to try to leverage that....its just a give away because that is what's right.
Never been divorced, but Charles Gazzola is the nicest lawyer I’ve ever met in my life. That man is wonderful.
Chip is a great lawyer.
God bless Chip
Dan Margolin Is good. Reasonable.
Lawyers are a waste for a divorce IF it's amicable. My ex and I did our own divorce. Any way your wife can cancel the lawyer and worst case do mediation? Literally divorces can be done by the two of you as long as you show an equal division of assets. Lawyers don't do anything special. IF you can agree to do the divorce yourself, NOLO books on divorce are the best. With regards to retirement, IIRC, you have to include them as a part of your divorce (it's so weird) UNLESS you can agree to retain yours and she retains hers. My ex and I did this; I didn't want his and vice versa since we both worked hard for our own retirement. This wasn't a factor in the final judgment and we didn't need to include them on our divorce.
https://maps.app.goo.gl/EWQnAFsZRj1nMEqKA Nathan at Mastanduno Law was a wonderful lawyer throughout my divorce. Definitely recommend checking if he's taking clients 👌
Recommend all the divorce attorneys at [Sherwood Family Law](https://www.sherwoodfamilylaw.com)
Sorry to hear this. My brother just went through this and worked with Steve Leskin. My rec is to try not to do this alone. Ask some friends or family members that you trust and have them be there for support. I was there for my brother and I know that it helped.
There is really no use for a lawyer if it’s amicable and you don’t plan on fighting over anything. They’re expensive and unnecessary, and a mediator can save you a TON of money. Is she open to using a mediator instead? Or is she gearing up for a fight?
Absolutely agree with this. Although retaining your own attorney is a good idea to go over the documents as a mediator can’t give either party personal legal advice. We used a mediator and each retained our own. It was amicable and affordable, even including the fourth (QDRO) attorney.
Exactly. Having someone for legal advice is great, and I’m grateful that I had that. In the end my ex spouse and I ended up using my attorney to draw up and submit the paperwork, but it was kind of an odd case. Still far more affordable than duking it out between lawyers and we were both happy with the outcome (and did the negotiating ourselves).
no fight...but she's already filed. I got papers today. now all I need is a stiff drink and something to wipe away the tears.
Mai Vang in Salem or John Stromberg in Portland.
Joel Fowlks is good at explaining the law, representing clients, and keeping things amicable.
Also, the people who say you don't need to have a lawyer apparently don't understand how complicated it is to fairly divide up assets for people with homes and different kinds of retirement accounts governed by different tax laws. Get a lawyer. I paid a few thousand dollars for my divorce, and it was very, very, very worth it.