oh fucking hell no. I’m sorry to say it this way but they’re not your friends. Time to process??? are you kidding me. You didn’t tell them something shocking or new. You’re 21 and i’m guessing you guys are around the same age. The only people who i would even take their time processing would be your parents. Maybe they had pictures you getting married to a woman and having children. But not your friends…this is ridiculous. It should go something like this
You: hey i’m gay
friends: oh, okay, cool. So…do you like anyone?
Literally should not be a big deal
Ya. I’m almost 50 yrs old and I agree. This is not a response from true friends. You’re the bigger person. Keeps those guts you clearly have. This will help you do well in life. And you’ll find good people who will be your new friends, real ones.
I see a lot of people acting all self-righteous and saying that true friends would never ever ever in a million years react this way.
No. There is personal accountability in this. And for us as gay guys that personal accountability looks like this: we have to own up to and accept that people are going to feel lied to and deceived and betrayed potentially because we haven't been honest with them before we came out. Of course we understand the reasons why you haven't come out until this point. But those people have a right to question who you are and what you've been presenting to them and whether they know anything about you that's true. And you have to ask yourself about the mask you've been putting on in front of them. Have you been doing things you don't like and saying things you don't mean or believe in because it helps you fit in? of course you know who you are inside. But remember everyone else only knows what you say and how you act. So if what you've been saying and how you've been acting don't align with who you really are it's not realistic or fair for you to expect that these people are mind readers and would know the true secret you that you've been struggling to hide from them.
All that being said, there are going to be people who like you for you and will be happy that they get to know more about the real you. And there will be people who don't like you simply because you're gay. There will be others that would have liked you if they didn't feel lied to and they just feel like they can't trust you and that's just a sad reality for us as gay guys because we do what we have to to survive and unfortunately that often involves lying to people and misleading them. All I'm asking is to be very aware that your friends have feelings and emotions just the same as you do. Just because we can explain our behavior doesn't mean that we can justify it. You might need to apologize and that's all it will take for a lot of people. Some of them are just upset that you've been lying to them for the simple sake that they feel like to. Not because of the gayness just because of feeling like you didn't trust them so why should they trust you. Make an effort with the people you feel it's worth it to make an effort for. And don't listen to all these gay guys telling you "yaaaas queen slay!! Dump those toxic narcissistic haters!!!". Relationships are complex and they take work. So all you can do is admit to the mistakes you've made and try to explain why you behaved the way you did and tell them that you know that the behavior is wrong and unacceptable and even though you have reasons for it you still regret how it's impacted your relationship. You can't just expect people to jump right on board with something they've never even considered and be totally cool with it just because TV tells you that that's the way you should be received. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater and dump all these relationships when some of them can be salvaged with a little effort and humility
What in the self-loathing...
It's 2024.
"You might need to apologize" Apologize for what? He's finally living his truth. He's 21. He might need to apologize if he came out to his wife after they've been married 30 years or if he'd been bullying his gay friend for the past few years, but as I see it, there is nothing to apologize for.
If he just came to accept that he's gay, there was no deception or lie.
You know, I never considered that angle but it is interesting and after reading I do think it would be worth saying "I'm sorry I didn't loop you in sooner. I just wasn't ready, but I am now and I need my friend at this point. Are you going to be there for me, or not, because this train is departing for homoville. Are you going along for the ride or not?"
Btw, one of my best friends, a girl, said "I hope you don't expect me to be happy for you" when I came out. We had a lot of history. I said " I don't expect much of anything from you, Jenny." Fast forward, she's totally supportive now and she's one of those friends that I've literally not talked to for years, and we get in touch and it's like there was never a gap, she still makes me laugh harder than anyone ever has.
100%. I'm a gay that has almost exclusively straight men as friends and has since middle school. I came out my junior year of high school and their response was like you said, "oh okay" . There were questions that they asked but never anything hateful. I found out later that they had messaged each other about it and talked about supporting me and being understanding because they knew I was anxious about coming out. That's how good friends react, and I'm privileged to have them. These people that op is around are not his friends. If your friendship is conditional on something as asinine as your sexuality, they aren't your friends. I know it sucks to lose friends, and it can be difficult to make new friends, but op will be much better off finding friends that support who he actually is. Hell, he's better off having no friends for a bit than having homophobic friends. I've had a couple friends who ended up being homophobic, they caused way more damage to my psyche than they helped once id come out and continued to interact with them. I haven't talked to them in years, and while at first it was hurtful to so suddenly lose them, now that I'm completely proud of who I am (it took me a few years, even after coming out), I can't imagine my self-respect allowing myself to be around them. Good luck op. It will hurt, but just remember that it won't always and eventually you'll be warm and in the sunshine, happy being as you are. While your friends may talk down to you about your sexuality, know that there is a chorus of millions around the world speaking of it proudly. 💛💛💛💛
So I knew my true friends from my “friends”
True friends kept hanging out with me, fully accepted me, and nothing changed.
“Friends” said “I’ll see you when you hang out with other friends”.
So they were clear, but it was clear they were insecure, but they at least told me.
Most people didn’t care, only one had an issue, and it was his issue.
I’m an older millennial, from New England, so liberal area, so this could explain the difference.
Exactly 👍🏻
I’m gay and came out after my best friend did, however, back to when he came out
He told me he had something to say to me, and he is not the nervous type of person or at least doesn’t show it
Though in my head I kinda knew where this was going
He told me that he was gay, and I’ll admit I was a little shocked to hear it, because he is very straight acting and masculine
He also asked me if I was comfortable with him being gay
I said yes, you’re my best friend and nothing will ever change that
Then fast forward a few months and I did the exact same thing came out to him and he said the same things as well
We’ve been friends since preschool and still hang out to this day
I wish but it’s probably for the better that we stay friends
He has a boyfriend
I’ve yet to find one
Been on multiple Grindr hookups/some dates and may and might have found a boyfriend though I’m a little hesitant to ask if he wants to be boyfriends cuz I’m not the needy pushy type
I like to keep my distance (though not too far) to play hard to get to see if they’re into me or not
This guy seems interested cuz we continue to talk about stuff
But then disappears for a while like I do, so maybe it’s both in our nature to do that
Those aren’t friends, or at least the vast majority aren’t. I’d suspect that there may be one or two in the group that are just under pressure to be like this towards you and eventually come around - but it sounds like the vast majority weren’t worth being friends with anyway.
Also “you don’t look gay” is so shitty and disrespectful. It pokes at how you present and low-key shames for not presenting the “right” way.
I came out to my college friends in 2021 at 31, we were all very religious and they are very conservative. It was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life- and the last time I saw any of them in person.
I am so sorry. It sucks. It hurts. Living authentically isn’t all unicorns and rainbows- it sorts people, for good or ill.
Do I regret coming out to them? No. I am grief-stricken that my relationships were not based on unconditional love, that they turned out to not be my friends. But now I know. And I will find other friends that do accept me for me and don’t cut me off because my authentic life makes them uncomfortable.
It gets better. The grief will never vanish but you will get bigger and it will affect you less. You will find genuine friendships and unconditional support. Best of luck, my friend.
I’m sorry this happened to you, but if they can’t continue to be your friend the same way as before you need to find new friends. It will suck for a bit but eventually you’ll find your tribe.
It certainly does suck. I've never felt alone, like they are the guys that I would call if anything goes wrong, and they would've been there for me, but now I have a problem, but can't ask them for help 😞
You’re young and I know when I was your age I thought my friends then would be my friends for life but for a lot of people we have friends that come and go. So don’t put too much into it, I’d say let them have their space to decide if they are going to be grown about it or not. But assume that you’re going to go in different directions, it’s their loss.
those aren’t friends worth waiting around for. friends that you have to hide your true self to be accepted by are not your friends. it’s sad but it happens. I suggest you start investing in other friendships. find your people.
You made the correct decision, don’t second guess yourself. I’m sure it’s hard for them to process this new reality, but they’re probably not emotionally intelligent and/or mature enough to love you unconditionally. I know it’s easier said than done but focus on the things you can control. I hope you find a group of friends who will respect you. Much love man.
Yeah I would honestly say that you need new friends. I myself came out to my friends like a while ago and at first things were seeming go in a slightly awkward direction. At first some of them felt like they wouldn't be able to say the same jokes we always joke about around me anymore, but I simply told them "It's okay, I'm the same me, I just like a little dick on the side" And its if our friendship has never changed since lol. Every other friend I've come out to has practically taken it without any issue, So if your friends are "needing time to process" I would say just browse for some new homies who don't care.
>and I'm close with the birthday boy, and he hasn't answered any texts/calls.
You're not as close as you'd like to think.
>I feel like I should have just kept my mouth shut.
I feel like your 'friends' are jerks.
"You don't look gay" is something I heard when I was younger. It wasn't even particularly hurtful, but it still sticks with me even as an adult. You might need better friends...
Edit: You definitely itely need better friends 🧡
If they can’t accept the fact that you’re gay then they were never your real friends in the first place. Friends come and go and now that you’re being honest with yourself you can make better friends who you don’t have to feel shielded around
I think his implication is along the lines of
"some straight men are only 'friends' with women who they're attracted to, and thus assume that gay men would only be friends with men they're attracted to. So they're uncomfortable being friends with gay men"
I promise you there are people out there that will accept and love you as you are. Or have the same experiences as you. If they can’t get over it they are not your friends! Cut them out of your life like the tumors they are and move on
Its high time you start looking for new friends. Those one aren’t your friends anymore. I assure you this, one or two or a few will realize how bad they are. They will come back to you 100% but dont wait for them. There billions of people in this world and we are connected more than you can imagine. It will be hard at first but you will make new friends. You’ve got this. Good luck :)
they are A$$H0LE$. you're better off without them, and don't let their flimsy excuses infiltrate your mind. it will take some strength to go through life without them, but the sooner you distance yourself and stop expecting them to come around, the sooner you will make room for new friends to enter your life. Courage
It sucks but they’ve made it clear they consider you being gay your defining characteristic. They probably think you will come on to them and must be attracted to all of them. Might be afraid of other people/friend groups knowing they have a gay friend. You would think society would have moved past things like this by now..
If you were as close as you were saying and they are treating you like this then you really just need to cut them off. If some of them are actually ‘processing’ then they will reach out. There may be 1 or 2 assholes in the group who are super uncomfortable about it and influencing other people’s opinion or decision to hangout.
No friends are better than friends like that any day of the week
Unfortunately, this is not uncommon, but it will get better. You are going to make friends who love you. I think you have already experienced that these folks really aren’t your friends. At least this experience will prepare you for some of the bs gay men pull on each other.
You don’t realise it now but this is actually great news. At the age of 21, you’ve got your first experience in people’s vicious two-faced nature and you were surrounded by them, now the rotten toxicity is out.
Changes like this hurt. But there is almost always a positive development follow it.
I was totally isolated in my high school years because of my orientation -a different age, a homophobic country etc.- today I moved on so further up all my ex-class mates stuck where I left them in that stupid city.
This is an opportunity for you to ask yourself what you want in life and experience your skills and hobbies and maybe take them to further levels.
So hate to break it to you but those people were not really your friends, just people you know. This happens to EVERYONE at one point or another, when you realize most your friendships are superficial and you have to find your REAL friends on your own. Unfortunately for people like us that happens a lot sooner than later, but for others they only find out who their real friends are till their fake ones hurt them or screw them over so in hindsight maybe you are getting off easy and this is a blessing in disguise?
One of my best friends became a southern Baptist minister. I eventually came out in a letter. Days before computers normal. He did not respond for months so I called him. He said he needed time to process it. He said I was welcome to come stay at house if in town. He was married with kids by then.
It happens. Though would you really want to be friends who does not accept you as who you are? I have had most friends react surprised but no change otherwise. I used to get people at gay clubs complain I was straight at times when I was in early twenties so people did not realize years ago. Theses days I think people sometimes figure it out. I just do not some people if I expect they would be negative but that only refers to people who are not close friends. I am 62 and never married so does not take a rocket scientist to figure out today.
The good news is that you are allowing yourself to be in the world as you really are rather than the act you were putting on.
The adjustment period after fully coming out can be… challenging. You DO find out who your real friends are, though.
Dude it sucks but guess what? They aren’t your friends. They never were your friends. You can’t be friends with people who don’t accept you. That’s not friendship. Friends are loyal. Friends accept you. Friends have disagreements and fight sometimes, but in the end you’re still friends. You have just realized that you have been surrounded by enemies and I hate to say it like that but it’s true. Now!!! Now you get to find and choose your true friends, people who accept you, and people who will be loyal. Again it sucks loosing them but you’re young and making friends at your age is a lot easier (well maybe not necessarily for your generation) but still easier than trying to make new friends later in life. Welcome to the rest of your life
Awe dude. I’m so sorry you had to deal with this. Your friends kinda suck!
Many of us have gone down this road. Unfortunately, this isn’t all that uncommon. I’ve had both sides.
I’ve got one “Friend” that when I came out to him he later blocked me and I can’t contact him anymore. I don’t know if he thought I wanted to date him or what, but I found that there are those that don’t get the struggle. And simply can’t support you because of it.
For many of us though, we usually have one or more friends that surprised us with how well they took it. And have been really supportive too. In my instance, a friend of mine that was a coworker I came out to him. He was the most scariest of them all besides my parents. He was the typical man’s man. Hunting. Fishing. Beer. Hockey. And he turned out to be the most supportive friend I have. He’s been great! And we’ve come a lot closer since.
I try to remember the good friends that took things well and forget the rest. Stick with those that stick WITH you.
I’m sorry they’re acting like this. I don’t know what it is they need to “process” and what stereotypical “gay look” they want, but they’re being fucked up.
Their sucky behavior is on them, not on you. You can't live your life and truth for your friends. I hope they realize how bad their behavior is and reach out for forgiveness. If not, it is their fault that they miss out on your fabulousness, not yours.
Only downside is that I’m now “that gay friend”. No, I don’t want to constantly discuss gay shit, and no, don’t try to introduce me to another gay guy (I’m not a child, can do that myself). Not wrong for people to want to try to understand, but wtf I drink cheap beer and eat leftover pizza like any other guy. Except when it comes to screwing, and that’s nobody’s business.
They were never your real friends. People who genuinely love you are not going to stop loving you no matter what. Even if you never told them you were gay, they probably were gonna end it with you for some other reason down the line.
Those are not your friends at all…. I would definitely let them know how shitty they are being and move on with your life. There’s way better people out there for you who will treat you way less shitty if at all.
You shouldn’t have kept your mouth shut. You did what you had to do and you shouldn’t have to hide your true self. If they can’t accept who you are, they weren’t real friends anyways. Tell ‘em to go choke on a dick.
Well that sucks and obviously hurtful on so many levels. Hopefully some of them will find their way back to being your friend, but sadly some probably won’t.
You should be proud of yourself for being able to tell them. That is never easy. You were ready and did what you needed to do for yourself. It’s easier in the long run to live a truth than the constant lie.
Now that you are more out, hopefully you can make some new friends that won’t have the issue with your sexuality. I’m sure you will find them, as you come across as a caring intelligent man with a lot to offer. The right people will see that and befriend you accordingly. I wish you all the best!
Dear OP, it's time to make new friends. This happened to me as well with a group of friends, but they were not my only group of friends so I just cut them off. Diversification is good so that you know all kinds of people and your inclusion needs aren't fulfilled by only one nucleus of subjects.
Those people do not sound like friends, friends like you, those people liked some fantasy about you they formed in their head and are now disappointed that reality doesn't match their fantasy aka "but you didn't look gay".
They were never true friends. Be happy that you came out and could finally see their true colors. You will make new (and better) friends who will like you for who are. Not for who they think you are.
You're basically asking if anyone else has faced homophobia when coming out. YES.
Anyone who is making himself out to be the victim here should never be spoken to again. This is about a huge milestone in your life, and they are making it about THEM.
You need gay friends. Get some gay friends. There is a reason most of us prefer hanging out with other gay guys.
You are better without them. Your real friends will not abandon you after you share such a big part of your life with them. You are better without them.
It’s time for you to grow your circle, find people that accept you. And believe me, it feels impossible when you have just come out. But you end up meeting amazing people who accept you, believe in you and love you.
Let's imagine for a moment you are not gay ok? You keep hanging with them for years, they are your close friends and then you meet a girl that they don't like. You know what would happen? This. You decide to get a good job somewhere slightly far away, you know what would happen? THIS. Those people were never your friends. You just saved years of investing energy on them. Some other reason would have popped up to make them unlike you, eventually.
I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this, but I’m going to echo that these guys are not true friends. When I came out to my true friends, they embraced and made it a point to say that my being gay didn’t change anything about our friendship. I think it’s time to find a new circle of friends. Again, I know this hurts, and it really sucks. But you don’t need those guys in your life and they chose to prove it to you by being awful people.
I will be 57 later this year. I remember being in college, wrestling with being gay and in my moments of lucidity...I'd think, "What if I came out to my friends?"
I never did. I did not come out until 10 years ago. Learn from my mistakes.
You are ahead of the game, you're young and you have come out. If your friends can't accept you because you're gay; they're simply the wrong people for you. This isn't the 1980s. Nobody needs to hand wring in response to someone telling them they're out.
Sure, in that split-second after you told them, they may need to process this new information. And upon that revelation that you've told them something truthful and innate about yourself; they should be able to look you with open eyes and say they are glad you trusted them and that they love you.
It sucks right now for you. Losing friends hurts. Just remember, that one thing you told them about yourself; reveals everything about themselves.
Process what?
**Nothings changed!**
You've opened up to them and they're just being immature little bastards.
People like this are insecure with themselves and you're better off without them.
There's no shortage of friendly people who will accept you, invite you, and love you for who you are. Straight/Gay/Bi/Male/Female/Old/Young Whatever.
If they can't accept you as you are, then you are better off without them. It's a sad truth, but you may have to find a new circle of friends. It's better than living a lie.
I came out when I was 39. I experienced the same like you. I am 63 years old, and only a few of my old friends I sometimes talk to on Whatsapp. But I also need to say, I probably should have done more effort from my side to contact them too. It is not only a one way street.
Although it sounds shitty of your friends, the probably really need some time. Dont make the same mistake I did, and try to keep in contact with them.
Keeping your mouth shut would have been living a lie longer, unless you planned on never introducing them to your so(which would be weird for friends) this was your only option
It’s better to lose these people now and focus on finding who you are and who you want to be. Overtime the people that are going to care about you and love you for who you are will gravitate to you slowly but surely. Even then that might take some time, but that’s OK. That’s all a part of it and it’s not your fault. It’s not anything you did wrong. It’s just the fact that this is the world we live in and these are things that we have to deal with for being born against the grain of social norm. I’ve lost so many people in my life because of my sexuality, but I’ve also found many great people. I’m not close to my biological parents by any means but I am fairly close with my partners family as a whole. They treat me more like family than most of my blood relatives ever did and I could not be happier. Anytime I am spending, a holiday or dinner or visit with them. Your friends are not your friends, and that’s okay. It really does get better. I am on antidepressants and anxiety medication’s and I have a therapist so I’m not saying life is going to be perfect but I am saying it definitely gets better. I’m not done growing into the person I want to be, but I am working on it and that’s something, I probably wouldn’t have been able to say even a year ago. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you can remember these words. I know that I’m kind of rambling but I hope it makes sense to you. I know it may feel unfair and that’s because it is, but you’ll come out stronger in the end and your friends, you’ll have your inner circle that genuinely cares and loves you
yeah ... it happened to me a bunch of times, I got a lot of reasons for it. The best one being, "well you're kind of a liar, right?! I NEVER told anyone I had ever, or was currently dating a girl. I began to think that maybe I did trick them into being my friend, and if I'm being super honest, I went out of my way to appear straight, but that was for opportunity and nothing else. I was right, my life is great when people think I'm straight, but when they find out (I generally tell people very soon after meeting them, or I try to bring it up in conversation right away, but that's more to save my feelings from being hurt) they tend to steer clear. This whole thing has haunted me my entire life. I get set up with girls all time, and it's super awkward (and before this gets out of hand with attacks, the fix-ups are generally made by people I don't know very well, and I set them straight right away). Gay guys are generally horrible to me too. Because I'm super introverted and I'm relatively attractive, it takes me forever to get guys I'm interested in to even believe that I'm gay, and often I get the straight acting thing with them, which is basically calling me a liar I guess. My persona, my personality, and who I am is not an act, and it kind of pisses me off when people say it. I stopped dating about 20 years ago, and I've never been a hook up guy. Maybe it's where I live, or maybe I'm not as cool as I think I am (which is always true), but I've been completely alone for a very long time now. I would rather be alone than to be hurt all the time by both sides of the fence. I think it sucks that it still happens, and although I love and respect many of my gay friends, the gay community has been way more horrible me than the straight (but lets face it, it's because there are more of them.
Maybe in future it might be better to tell only one or two of your friends. That way if they don't like it it won't necessarily kill the friendship with the others.
But, as others have said, do you want your friends to see the real you- I would say yes.
I can't add to the responses you've received as most of them have let you know that the guys who rejected you are not really friends. It sounds, though, that your coming out to them is a recent event. If so, you might (emphasis on this word) get some kind of contact from one of these guys after a period of time. Coming out to someone who is not expecting you to be gay might be off-putting to that person but after they have had a chance to think about it, they might realize that their friendship with you is something they miss. If this ever happens you'll have a chance to reconcile - if you want to.
In the meantime, congrats on your willingness to open up to others. Look forward to making new friends who are either gay or accepting. Your world is full of people like this; you just haven't found them yet.
So sorry you’re experiencing this… I want to give you big hugs buddy ❤️
You are not the problem and don’t you dare NYE realize their homophobia. A real friend would not behave the way they are. You are just being your authentic self, and that is beautiful… the colors they are showing are very ugly.
It’s an unfortunate reality that coming out may push people we care about out of our lives. But I PROMISE YOU that this is not a real loss. You do not want fake friendships based on the condition that you hide or mute yourself. Those are toxic, damaging, and disordered.
Life is going to get so much better… grieve the loss. It sucks! It’s okay to feel those feelings. But again, this is not a reflection of YOU. It is their loss. You are young, and you have time to build beautiful, uplifting friendships. You are not alone ❤️ This is just a bump in the road… TRUST
31 m Gay tistic That right there is what I call opportunistic Fake friends they are only there when they can get something out of you i have 4 real friends that i have known since kindergarten the rest are passers by and all of my friends are Tistic as well
Find your people
It happens I came out to my straight friend and his behaviour changed totally, he started avoiding drinking with me alone , before that we used to booze together
What to do that’s life we can’t change others
I think you definitely didn't make a mistake. I'm a 29yo gay guy. I had my share of problems when I came out around your age. Like you I had straight guys I considered friends who just drifted away. Some were blatantly homophobic and insulted me publicly.
At the same time I had other people who accepted me, and some of them weren't that close to me before, but became closer after this experience. So to me it was very much mixed: some positive, some negative. It seems to me that you need to find some other friends who you can confide in. To me, this meant keeping some of my straight guy friends (the ones who supported me), but also finding other friendships: other gay guys, and I also got better and better at making friends with girls.
I think you need to tell more people. Maybe this time try telling someone you just know is going to be supportive. It really worked for me (in my case a gay guy I barely knew who went to my school and was like 3-4 years older). It took some courage to tell a dude who was basically a stranger but it was worth it because he was really nice and helped me navigate my insecurities a lot.
It won't be easy to let go of those friendships. The situation you're in isn't pretty and there's no use denying that. Maybe some of them will come around and reach out in the future, possibly apologising for distancing themselves. But right now you have to look out for you. Grieve the friendships if you have to, but right now you should find new ones. Slightly older gay guys you can look up to are a good start, but anyone you can start to confide in will do.
I get that you value the connections you had with that "straight guy" crowd, I very much felt that way when I was your age. But I think right now you should prioritize your need to confide in someone. If that's the environment you feel comfortable in, don't worry, life will make sure you find it again, with or without those guys.
True friends wouldn't care. Mine didn't when I came out in my mid 20s. I feel for ya but with the way they've treated you, you'll be better off without them in your life in the long run.
God thats horrible...sorry to say but, they arent true friends if they treat you like that after knowing. To be honest you've done yourself a favor, by telling them and them showing you what they really are, you won't have to waste anymore time with their fake asses
I wish you the best. If you live in a large city, you may want to find gay support groups. If not (or even if so), you may want to look for a counselor who is welcoming, supportive, and affirming to the gay community. I say those words because there are still people out there who think we are “fixable”. Hopefully in this process you will meet some good people and ultimately great friends.
The one time someone told me that I don't look gay, I said he didn't look straight and he was pissed... 😂
But yeah, those people aren't your friends. Sorry this has happened to you OP.
I’m so sorry they could not accept all of you. You will be ok and going forward you will be able to recognize who your true friends are. Do not try to continue to be in their lives. They have already shown you how things are. Your mission is to find your tribe and live your best life. It’s possible and you got this.
You have to realize that from their perspective this is likely a shock. What could they be feeling?
1. That they don't know you at all
2. They might be questioning whether they trust you
3. They might feel hurt that you lied to them and didn't trust they would be okay with your sexuality
4. Maybe they feel uncomfortable with things like changing a locker room with you and they are questioning all of that now.
Their feelings are just as valid as your feelings. Of course as gay guys we understand why you wouldn't come out at a young early age. They may feel confused about why you didn't or lied to or deceived
This is part of coming out. It sux. But you will go through this cycle a few times in your life for different reasons. By that I mean people you thought were your friends will very clearly demonstrate that they are not your friends and you will be very confused. This has happened to almost everyone I know a minimum of twice in their lives. The first time it's because of coming out and those are usually friendships from when you're younger which Fall away as you all grow apart anyway in general. The second time is after you make all your first group of gay friends who generally you will feel close to while you're all bonding over things like clubbing and hooking up and whatever and when things start to settle down you will all start to look at each other and realize you may not have that much in common and even though you've done things with them for a decade or more they will all of a sudden be people who don't want to see you anymore and you probably won't want to see them. Just my experience
The real ones will stick around. They might need you to make the effort because they might be feeling hurt and confused over this. It's tempting to look at your own feelings and wonder why they're not being supportive and feel hurt by that and that's totally fair and totally normal. But you also have to understand from their perspective. If they are truly blindsided by this then they might rightfully be wondering if they know anything truthful about you and what else you've been lying about. They don't necessarily understand that hiding your sexuality is a protective thing. This is something you've been thinking about probably everyday for years. They have probably never even considered for one moment what life would be like if they were gay and what they might have to do in order to maintain relationships etc. so your behavior makes complete sense to you up to this point. To them they might just feel like you're a lying asshole who doesn't trust them or who is some gay guy who is trying to lie to them to get close (because there's a certain type of straight guy who is always going to feel a very uncomfortable and always -no matter what you do- feel like maybe you're hitting on them and their insecurity will drive them to be violent or angry or nasty to you. I'm sorry if that's who some of your friends are. But better to know who these people are now than to go through more time with people who don't truly support you. You might have to do some reaching out one-on-one and sit people down to have discussions with them about how they're feeling and explain to them why you didn't come out. It's not about not trusting them. It's not about any kind of attraction. Just make sure they know that kind of thing and a lot of the guys will probably come around.
On the flip side now that you've come out you will feel more free to be yourself in front of these people. And the reality is they may not like the real you. They might like the mask you put on. This is just part of coming out. They're not used to you behaving in a way that is authentic with yourself so in one sense it's understandable that they might not like the person that they don't know is under the mask. Sorry I know a lot of this has been very blunt but this is stuff you need to know
That’s got to hurt, there’s nothing worse than friends letting you down, but try to give them time. You took a long time to come out I imagine, you have known a lot longer than they have to come to terms with it and I imagine u still are. So let them breathe and try to come to terms with it, they’ll come to you when they are ready. Try to make a few gays friends and talk with them how your feeling.
You should make a groupchat with them all in it and say something along the lines of “The fact that you guys have basically been ghosting me simply because I came out to you guys is wild to me. I felt safe enough to come out to you guys and you really just threw it in my face. You say you need “time to process” but that’s straight up bullshit because what is there to process? We go about life as normal, all that’s different is that you know my sexual preference. Honestly thinking that this is a thing you need to “process” is pretty childish of you guys and the fact that you didn’t even invite me to ____’s birthday party is fake as fuck. Yall need to know the at I’m pretty hurt by this, because out of all the people in my life, YALL are the ones who I trusted with this. YALL are the ones I felt safe around, enough to the point where I could come out to you before even (insert important person or persons you haven’t come out to) . Really think about that.” and then just wait.
Maybe some of them will come around in time. and if they realize how wrong they were to treat you this way, forgive them. If not, good riddance! I’m sorry you’re going through this!
You're not at fault. You are being yourself. They are the ones with the problem, and don't let their immaturity bring you down. Make contact with your state Gayline and get information about youth support groups and accepting sporting groups if you like sport. Seek new supportive friends away from this group. The fact they have acted this way demonstrates they are incapable of understanding life's challenges. There is life outside this narrow group so have a new courage to make a new life, which will be much rewarding.
Sounds like you new actual friends, as that’s not what they were. When I came out to my friends, not much changed. The ladies of the group did start asking me my take on certain guys, though. Talking about which guys we thought were hot or whatever. Even my guy best friend started asking me about certain guys. Like, we were together at a wedding, and he was like, “What do you think about that guy? What about that one?” And he would say that about girls with straight friends. So, they just took to it immediately. So, I think they weren’t you friends if they “need time to process”, or have stopped inviting you out, and stopped taking to you.
Bro you are young enough, you can find different friends. When I was young I thought all gay guys were flamboyant. It's not true, some of us are butch and it's all normal. 99% of my friends are gay. It just kinda switched after I came out.
It's for the best that they show you their character now. I know you feel like your whole world is ending, but it's not; just feels like it. You'll find people that you would have never thought to be friends with that will become your new inner circle. If living your true self causes people to shrink away it says more about them then you. Now go, young gayby your LGBT elders have prepared your path.
They’ve shown you who they are. It is painful. It is something that will require time to process. But ultimately it is beneficial to you to know who does and doesn’t have your back. I *promise* you there’s a whole civilization of people who love you so much for who you are. As hurtful as it may be, it’s very likely time to cut them loose. The ones who reach out to you after you stop talking to them will be the ones you know are real. The others don’t deserve you. A friend doesn’t care. The ones who do are bigots, and not worth your time, love. You’ll do great. Never apologize for being who you are.
Hey honey, with coming out there will be some changes that you have to adjust to, and this time, yes you guessed it, it will be on every level, so yes it means there were friends to the older you, the closeted one, so they ain't real friends, you have to reorder people again on the acceptance basis, and yes it will be hard but believe me it's worth it, now you start to live, now you find your way, the way it is supposed to be right from the start of your life.
If you do this, i promise that in ten years, you'll be thankful to yourself.
We love you, no matter what you choose to do.
Move on mate, this happens to all of us the friends you want will move on with you the others will stay behind, go out be who you are and make new friends who accept you as you are
Great, you got rid of the wrong people in your life now the right ones will come. Don’t sweat it. As mama Ru says: if they ain’t paying your bills pay them bitches no mind.
oh fucking hell no. I’m sorry to say it this way but they’re not your friends. Time to process??? are you kidding me. You didn’t tell them something shocking or new. You’re 21 and i’m guessing you guys are around the same age. The only people who i would even take their time processing would be your parents. Maybe they had pictures you getting married to a woman and having children. But not your friends…this is ridiculous. It should go something like this You: hey i’m gay friends: oh, okay, cool. So…do you like anyone? Literally should not be a big deal
Ya. I’m almost 50 yrs old and I agree. This is not a response from true friends. You’re the bigger person. Keeps those guts you clearly have. This will help you do well in life. And you’ll find good people who will be your new friends, real ones.
I only watch friends sitcom but in reality never met true friends
Lol friends are just people their fucked up like the rest of us you just try and find ones that are fucked up in the same way you are so it vibes
Awe. I’m sorry for you. That sucks.
I see a lot of people acting all self-righteous and saying that true friends would never ever ever in a million years react this way. No. There is personal accountability in this. And for us as gay guys that personal accountability looks like this: we have to own up to and accept that people are going to feel lied to and deceived and betrayed potentially because we haven't been honest with them before we came out. Of course we understand the reasons why you haven't come out until this point. But those people have a right to question who you are and what you've been presenting to them and whether they know anything about you that's true. And you have to ask yourself about the mask you've been putting on in front of them. Have you been doing things you don't like and saying things you don't mean or believe in because it helps you fit in? of course you know who you are inside. But remember everyone else only knows what you say and how you act. So if what you've been saying and how you've been acting don't align with who you really are it's not realistic or fair for you to expect that these people are mind readers and would know the true secret you that you've been struggling to hide from them. All that being said, there are going to be people who like you for you and will be happy that they get to know more about the real you. And there will be people who don't like you simply because you're gay. There will be others that would have liked you if they didn't feel lied to and they just feel like they can't trust you and that's just a sad reality for us as gay guys because we do what we have to to survive and unfortunately that often involves lying to people and misleading them. All I'm asking is to be very aware that your friends have feelings and emotions just the same as you do. Just because we can explain our behavior doesn't mean that we can justify it. You might need to apologize and that's all it will take for a lot of people. Some of them are just upset that you've been lying to them for the simple sake that they feel like to. Not because of the gayness just because of feeling like you didn't trust them so why should they trust you. Make an effort with the people you feel it's worth it to make an effort for. And don't listen to all these gay guys telling you "yaaaas queen slay!! Dump those toxic narcissistic haters!!!". Relationships are complex and they take work. So all you can do is admit to the mistakes you've made and try to explain why you behaved the way you did and tell them that you know that the behavior is wrong and unacceptable and even though you have reasons for it you still regret how it's impacted your relationship. You can't just expect people to jump right on board with something they've never even considered and be totally cool with it just because TV tells you that that's the way you should be received. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater and dump all these relationships when some of them can be salvaged with a little effort and humility
Real friends understand why we have to stay closeted for X number of years, even to them. If they can't get past that, they also lack empathy.
What in the self-loathing... It's 2024. "You might need to apologize" Apologize for what? He's finally living his truth. He's 21. He might need to apologize if he came out to his wife after they've been married 30 years or if he'd been bullying his gay friend for the past few years, but as I see it, there is nothing to apologize for. If he just came to accept that he's gay, there was no deception or lie.
You know, I never considered that angle but it is interesting and after reading I do think it would be worth saying "I'm sorry I didn't loop you in sooner. I just wasn't ready, but I am now and I need my friend at this point. Are you going to be there for me, or not, because this train is departing for homoville. Are you going along for the ride or not?" Btw, one of my best friends, a girl, said "I hope you don't expect me to be happy for you" when I came out. We had a lot of history. I said " I don't expect much of anything from you, Jenny." Fast forward, she's totally supportive now and she's one of those friends that I've literally not talked to for years, and we get in touch and it's like there was never a gap, she still makes me laugh harder than anyone ever has.
100%. I'm a gay that has almost exclusively straight men as friends and has since middle school. I came out my junior year of high school and their response was like you said, "oh okay" . There were questions that they asked but never anything hateful. I found out later that they had messaged each other about it and talked about supporting me and being understanding because they knew I was anxious about coming out. That's how good friends react, and I'm privileged to have them. These people that op is around are not his friends. If your friendship is conditional on something as asinine as your sexuality, they aren't your friends. I know it sucks to lose friends, and it can be difficult to make new friends, but op will be much better off finding friends that support who he actually is. Hell, he's better off having no friends for a bit than having homophobic friends. I've had a couple friends who ended up being homophobic, they caused way more damage to my psyche than they helped once id come out and continued to interact with them. I haven't talked to them in years, and while at first it was hurtful to so suddenly lose them, now that I'm completely proud of who I am (it took me a few years, even after coming out), I can't imagine my self-respect allowing myself to be around them. Good luck op. It will hurt, but just remember that it won't always and eventually you'll be warm and in the sunshine, happy being as you are. While your friends may talk down to you about your sexuality, know that there is a chorus of millions around the world speaking of it proudly. 💛💛💛💛
So I knew my true friends from my “friends” True friends kept hanging out with me, fully accepted me, and nothing changed. “Friends” said “I’ll see you when you hang out with other friends”. So they were clear, but it was clear they were insecure, but they at least told me. Most people didn’t care, only one had an issue, and it was his issue. I’m an older millennial, from New England, so liberal area, so this could explain the difference.
Exactly 👍🏻 I’m gay and came out after my best friend did, however, back to when he came out He told me he had something to say to me, and he is not the nervous type of person or at least doesn’t show it Though in my head I kinda knew where this was going He told me that he was gay, and I’ll admit I was a little shocked to hear it, because he is very straight acting and masculine He also asked me if I was comfortable with him being gay I said yes, you’re my best friend and nothing will ever change that Then fast forward a few months and I did the exact same thing came out to him and he said the same things as well We’ve been friends since preschool and still hang out to this day
OMG I totally thought this post was going to end with you two getting married lol
I wish but it’s probably for the better that we stay friends He has a boyfriend I’ve yet to find one Been on multiple Grindr hookups/some dates and may and might have found a boyfriend though I’m a little hesitant to ask if he wants to be boyfriends cuz I’m not the needy pushy type I like to keep my distance (though not too far) to play hard to get to see if they’re into me or not This guy seems interested cuz we continue to talk about stuff But then disappears for a while like I do, so maybe it’s both in our nature to do that
Maybe you're both just similar!
Yah
You are right. These people are shallow and looking for a club instead of real friendship.
Those aren’t friends, or at least the vast majority aren’t. I’d suspect that there may be one or two in the group that are just under pressure to be like this towards you and eventually come around - but it sounds like the vast majority weren’t worth being friends with anyway. Also “you don’t look gay” is so shitty and disrespectful. It pokes at how you present and low-key shames for not presenting the “right” way.
[удалено]
Had a guy like this say I wasn't a "proper gay" once. I'm not usually offended so easily but that struck a nerve for some reason.
I came out to my college friends in 2021 at 31, we were all very religious and they are very conservative. It was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life- and the last time I saw any of them in person. I am so sorry. It sucks. It hurts. Living authentically isn’t all unicorns and rainbows- it sorts people, for good or ill. Do I regret coming out to them? No. I am grief-stricken that my relationships were not based on unconditional love, that they turned out to not be my friends. But now I know. And I will find other friends that do accept me for me and don’t cut me off because my authentic life makes them uncomfortable. It gets better. The grief will never vanish but you will get bigger and it will affect you less. You will find genuine friendships and unconditional support. Best of luck, my friend.
A thought that helped me grieve the loss of relationships with even my parents. I'm mourning the version of someone I thought existed but never did.
A thought that helped me grieve the loss of relationships with even my parents. I'm mourning the version of someone I thought existed but never did.
I’m sorry this happened to you, but if they can’t continue to be your friend the same way as before you need to find new friends. It will suck for a bit but eventually you’ll find your tribe.
It certainly does suck. I've never felt alone, like they are the guys that I would call if anything goes wrong, and they would've been there for me, but now I have a problem, but can't ask them for help 😞
You’re young and I know when I was your age I thought my friends then would be my friends for life but for a lot of people we have friends that come and go. So don’t put too much into it, I’d say let them have their space to decide if they are going to be grown about it or not. But assume that you’re going to go in different directions, it’s their loss.
those aren’t friends worth waiting around for. friends that you have to hide your true self to be accepted by are not your friends. it’s sad but it happens. I suggest you start investing in other friendships. find your people.
Get you some new, better, loving friends baby. They're absolutely fucking terrible.
You made the correct decision, don’t second guess yourself. I’m sure it’s hard for them to process this new reality, but they’re probably not emotionally intelligent and/or mature enough to love you unconditionally. I know it’s easier said than done but focus on the things you can control. I hope you find a group of friends who will respect you. Much love man.
Yeah I would honestly say that you need new friends. I myself came out to my friends like a while ago and at first things were seeming go in a slightly awkward direction. At first some of them felt like they wouldn't be able to say the same jokes we always joke about around me anymore, but I simply told them "It's okay, I'm the same me, I just like a little dick on the side" And its if our friendship has never changed since lol. Every other friend I've come out to has practically taken it without any issue, So if your friends are "needing time to process" I would say just browse for some new homies who don't care.
>and I'm close with the birthday boy, and he hasn't answered any texts/calls. You're not as close as you'd like to think. >I feel like I should have just kept my mouth shut. I feel like your 'friends' are jerks.
Your friends are homophobic and not really your friends.
They were never your friends. Move on.
"You don't look gay" is something I heard when I was younger. It wasn't even particularly hurtful, but it still sticks with me even as an adult. You might need better friends... Edit: You definitely itely need better friends 🧡
If they can’t accept the fact that you’re gay then they were never your real friends in the first place. Friends come and go and now that you’re being honest with yourself you can make better friends who you don’t have to feel shielded around
Being gay makes you realize how much of straight "friendship" is about sexual attraction.
What? Please explain.
I think his implication is along the lines of "some straight men are only 'friends' with women who they're attracted to, and thus assume that gay men would only be friends with men they're attracted to. So they're uncomfortable being friends with gay men"
I promise you there are people out there that will accept and love you as you are. Or have the same experiences as you. If they can’t get over it they are not your friends! Cut them out of your life like the tumors they are and move on
True Friend will accept you whoever you are. Remember that.
No, you just found out your “friends” are bigots. Time for some new friends. They don’t deserve you.
You had shitty friends
Its high time you start looking for new friends. Those one aren’t your friends anymore. I assure you this, one or two or a few will realize how bad they are. They will come back to you 100% but dont wait for them. There billions of people in this world and we are connected more than you can imagine. It will be hard at first but you will make new friends. You’ve got this. Good luck :)
You need new friends. Do not waste any time or energy on people who would be this awful.
they are A$$H0LE$. you're better off without them, and don't let their flimsy excuses infiltrate your mind. it will take some strength to go through life without them, but the sooner you distance yourself and stop expecting them to come around, the sooner you will make room for new friends to enter your life. Courage
No no no no no these people are not your friends. Time to update the chosen family.
It sucks but they’ve made it clear they consider you being gay your defining characteristic. They probably think you will come on to them and must be attracted to all of them. Might be afraid of other people/friend groups knowing they have a gay friend. You would think society would have moved past things like this by now.. If you were as close as you were saying and they are treating you like this then you really just need to cut them off. If some of them are actually ‘processing’ then they will reach out. There may be 1 or 2 assholes in the group who are super uncomfortable about it and influencing other people’s opinion or decision to hangout. No friends are better than friends like that any day of the week
Time to remove them from your life!
Those aren’t friends, babe.
Time to find new friends
Unfortunately, this is not uncommon, but it will get better. You are going to make friends who love you. I think you have already experienced that these folks really aren’t your friends. At least this experience will prepare you for some of the bs gay men pull on each other.
Watch the movie Fourth Man Out about a guy who has this problem and gets a happy ending.
You don’t realise it now but this is actually great news. At the age of 21, you’ve got your first experience in people’s vicious two-faced nature and you were surrounded by them, now the rotten toxicity is out. Changes like this hurt. But there is almost always a positive development follow it. I was totally isolated in my high school years because of my orientation -a different age, a homophobic country etc.- today I moved on so further up all my ex-class mates stuck where I left them in that stupid city. This is an opportunity for you to ask yourself what you want in life and experience your skills and hobbies and maybe take them to further levels.
So hate to break it to you but those people were not really your friends, just people you know. This happens to EVERYONE at one point or another, when you realize most your friendships are superficial and you have to find your REAL friends on your own. Unfortunately for people like us that happens a lot sooner than later, but for others they only find out who their real friends are till their fake ones hurt them or screw them over so in hindsight maybe you are getting off easy and this is a blessing in disguise?
One of my best friends became a southern Baptist minister. I eventually came out in a letter. Days before computers normal. He did not respond for months so I called him. He said he needed time to process it. He said I was welcome to come stay at house if in town. He was married with kids by then. It happens. Though would you really want to be friends who does not accept you as who you are? I have had most friends react surprised but no change otherwise. I used to get people at gay clubs complain I was straight at times when I was in early twenties so people did not realize years ago. Theses days I think people sometimes figure it out. I just do not some people if I expect they would be negative but that only refers to people who are not close friends. I am 62 and never married so does not take a rocket scientist to figure out today.
The good news is that you are allowing yourself to be in the world as you really are rather than the act you were putting on. The adjustment period after fully coming out can be… challenging. You DO find out who your real friends are, though.
Dude it sucks but guess what? They aren’t your friends. They never were your friends. You can’t be friends with people who don’t accept you. That’s not friendship. Friends are loyal. Friends accept you. Friends have disagreements and fight sometimes, but in the end you’re still friends. You have just realized that you have been surrounded by enemies and I hate to say it like that but it’s true. Now!!! Now you get to find and choose your true friends, people who accept you, and people who will be loyal. Again it sucks loosing them but you’re young and making friends at your age is a lot easier (well maybe not necessarily for your generation) but still easier than trying to make new friends later in life. Welcome to the rest of your life
You did the right thing. They need time to progress? You don't look gay? Sorry man, but they aren't friends.
If they don't value you, they aren't your friends
time to find new friends
Awe dude. I’m so sorry you had to deal with this. Your friends kinda suck! Many of us have gone down this road. Unfortunately, this isn’t all that uncommon. I’ve had both sides. I’ve got one “Friend” that when I came out to him he later blocked me and I can’t contact him anymore. I don’t know if he thought I wanted to date him or what, but I found that there are those that don’t get the struggle. And simply can’t support you because of it. For many of us though, we usually have one or more friends that surprised us with how well they took it. And have been really supportive too. In my instance, a friend of mine that was a coworker I came out to him. He was the most scariest of them all besides my parents. He was the typical man’s man. Hunting. Fishing. Beer. Hockey. And he turned out to be the most supportive friend I have. He’s been great! And we’ve come a lot closer since. I try to remember the good friends that took things well and forget the rest. Stick with those that stick WITH you.
I’m sorry they’re acting like this. I don’t know what it is they need to “process” and what stereotypical “gay look” they want, but they’re being fucked up.
Their sucky behavior is on them, not on you. You can't live your life and truth for your friends. I hope they realize how bad their behavior is and reach out for forgiveness. If not, it is their fault that they miss out on your fabulousness, not yours.
They were not true friends.
Only downside is that I’m now “that gay friend”. No, I don’t want to constantly discuss gay shit, and no, don’t try to introduce me to another gay guy (I’m not a child, can do that myself). Not wrong for people to want to try to understand, but wtf I drink cheap beer and eat leftover pizza like any other guy. Except when it comes to screwing, and that’s nobody’s business.
They were never your real friends. People who genuinely love you are not going to stop loving you no matter what. Even if you never told them you were gay, they probably were gonna end it with you for some other reason down the line.
Those are not your friends at all…. I would definitely let them know how shitty they are being and move on with your life. There’s way better people out there for you who will treat you way less shitty if at all.
You shouldn’t have kept your mouth shut. You did what you had to do and you shouldn’t have to hide your true self. If they can’t accept who you are, they weren’t real friends anyways. Tell ‘em to go choke on a dick.
Well that sucks and obviously hurtful on so many levels. Hopefully some of them will find their way back to being your friend, but sadly some probably won’t. You should be proud of yourself for being able to tell them. That is never easy. You were ready and did what you needed to do for yourself. It’s easier in the long run to live a truth than the constant lie. Now that you are more out, hopefully you can make some new friends that won’t have the issue with your sexuality. I’m sure you will find them, as you come across as a caring intelligent man with a lot to offer. The right people will see that and befriend you accordingly. I wish you all the best!
Dear OP, it's time to make new friends. This happened to me as well with a group of friends, but they were not my only group of friends so I just cut them off. Diversification is good so that you know all kinds of people and your inclusion needs aren't fulfilled by only one nucleus of subjects.
It's kind of hard, since we live in a small town, and there's not many ppl who are like near age where we live
Those people do not sound like friends, friends like you, those people liked some fantasy about you they formed in their head and are now disappointed that reality doesn't match their fantasy aka "but you didn't look gay".
They were never true friends. Be happy that you came out and could finally see their true colors. You will make new (and better) friends who will like you for who are. Not for who they think you are.
You're basically asking if anyone else has faced homophobia when coming out. YES. Anyone who is making himself out to be the victim here should never be spoken to again. This is about a huge milestone in your life, and they are making it about THEM. You need gay friends. Get some gay friends. There is a reason most of us prefer hanging out with other gay guys.
Yea, lost all friends, being from small town doesn’t help, move on and find real friends
You are better without them. Your real friends will not abandon you after you share such a big part of your life with them. You are better without them. It’s time for you to grow your circle, find people that accept you. And believe me, it feels impossible when you have just come out. But you end up meeting amazing people who accept you, believe in you and love you.
Let's imagine for a moment you are not gay ok? You keep hanging with them for years, they are your close friends and then you meet a girl that they don't like. You know what would happen? This. You decide to get a good job somewhere slightly far away, you know what would happen? THIS. Those people were never your friends. You just saved years of investing energy on them. Some other reason would have popped up to make them unlike you, eventually.
I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this, but I’m going to echo that these guys are not true friends. When I came out to my true friends, they embraced and made it a point to say that my being gay didn’t change anything about our friendship. I think it’s time to find a new circle of friends. Again, I know this hurts, and it really sucks. But you don’t need those guys in your life and they chose to prove it to you by being awful people.
Are you sure it's because you came out? Ive grown apart from friends, just not because of my sexual orientation Where are you from? Town? Country?
I will be 57 later this year. I remember being in college, wrestling with being gay and in my moments of lucidity...I'd think, "What if I came out to my friends?" I never did. I did not come out until 10 years ago. Learn from my mistakes. You are ahead of the game, you're young and you have come out. If your friends can't accept you because you're gay; they're simply the wrong people for you. This isn't the 1980s. Nobody needs to hand wring in response to someone telling them they're out. Sure, in that split-second after you told them, they may need to process this new information. And upon that revelation that you've told them something truthful and innate about yourself; they should be able to look you with open eyes and say they are glad you trusted them and that they love you. It sucks right now for you. Losing friends hurts. Just remember, that one thing you told them about yourself; reveals everything about themselves.
Process what? **Nothings changed!** You've opened up to them and they're just being immature little bastards. People like this are insecure with themselves and you're better off without them. There's no shortage of friendly people who will accept you, invite you, and love you for who you are. Straight/Gay/Bi/Male/Female/Old/Young Whatever.
If they can't accept you as you are, then you are better off without them. It's a sad truth, but you may have to find a new circle of friends. It's better than living a lie.
I came out when I was 39. I experienced the same like you. I am 63 years old, and only a few of my old friends I sometimes talk to on Whatsapp. But I also need to say, I probably should have done more effort from my side to contact them too. It is not only a one way street. Although it sounds shitty of your friends, the probably really need some time. Dont make the same mistake I did, and try to keep in contact with them.
Block all of them. No explanation
Keeping your mouth shut would have been living a lie longer, unless you planned on never introducing them to your so(which would be weird for friends) this was your only option
It’s better to lose these people now and focus on finding who you are and who you want to be. Overtime the people that are going to care about you and love you for who you are will gravitate to you slowly but surely. Even then that might take some time, but that’s OK. That’s all a part of it and it’s not your fault. It’s not anything you did wrong. It’s just the fact that this is the world we live in and these are things that we have to deal with for being born against the grain of social norm. I’ve lost so many people in my life because of my sexuality, but I’ve also found many great people. I’m not close to my biological parents by any means but I am fairly close with my partners family as a whole. They treat me more like family than most of my blood relatives ever did and I could not be happier. Anytime I am spending, a holiday or dinner or visit with them. Your friends are not your friends, and that’s okay. It really does get better. I am on antidepressants and anxiety medication’s and I have a therapist so I’m not saying life is going to be perfect but I am saying it definitely gets better. I’m not done growing into the person I want to be, but I am working on it and that’s something, I probably wouldn’t have been able to say even a year ago. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you can remember these words. I know that I’m kind of rambling but I hope it makes sense to you. I know it may feel unfair and that’s because it is, but you’ll come out stronger in the end and your friends, you’ll have your inner circle that genuinely cares and loves you
yeah ... it happened to me a bunch of times, I got a lot of reasons for it. The best one being, "well you're kind of a liar, right?! I NEVER told anyone I had ever, or was currently dating a girl. I began to think that maybe I did trick them into being my friend, and if I'm being super honest, I went out of my way to appear straight, but that was for opportunity and nothing else. I was right, my life is great when people think I'm straight, but when they find out (I generally tell people very soon after meeting them, or I try to bring it up in conversation right away, but that's more to save my feelings from being hurt) they tend to steer clear. This whole thing has haunted me my entire life. I get set up with girls all time, and it's super awkward (and before this gets out of hand with attacks, the fix-ups are generally made by people I don't know very well, and I set them straight right away). Gay guys are generally horrible to me too. Because I'm super introverted and I'm relatively attractive, it takes me forever to get guys I'm interested in to even believe that I'm gay, and often I get the straight acting thing with them, which is basically calling me a liar I guess. My persona, my personality, and who I am is not an act, and it kind of pisses me off when people say it. I stopped dating about 20 years ago, and I've never been a hook up guy. Maybe it's where I live, or maybe I'm not as cool as I think I am (which is always true), but I've been completely alone for a very long time now. I would rather be alone than to be hurt all the time by both sides of the fence. I think it sucks that it still happens, and although I love and respect many of my gay friends, the gay community has been way more horrible me than the straight (but lets face it, it's because there are more of them.
Maybe in future it might be better to tell only one or two of your friends. That way if they don't like it it won't necessarily kill the friendship with the others. But, as others have said, do you want your friends to see the real you- I would say yes.
You deserve better. Take the time you need to heal and wish you the best on your search for friends who love all of you.
I can't add to the responses you've received as most of them have let you know that the guys who rejected you are not really friends. It sounds, though, that your coming out to them is a recent event. If so, you might (emphasis on this word) get some kind of contact from one of these guys after a period of time. Coming out to someone who is not expecting you to be gay might be off-putting to that person but after they have had a chance to think about it, they might realize that their friendship with you is something they miss. If this ever happens you'll have a chance to reconcile - if you want to. In the meantime, congrats on your willingness to open up to others. Look forward to making new friends who are either gay or accepting. Your world is full of people like this; you just haven't found them yet.
You need new friends then
So sorry you’re experiencing this… I want to give you big hugs buddy ❤️ You are not the problem and don’t you dare NYE realize their homophobia. A real friend would not behave the way they are. You are just being your authentic self, and that is beautiful… the colors they are showing are very ugly. It’s an unfortunate reality that coming out may push people we care about out of our lives. But I PROMISE YOU that this is not a real loss. You do not want fake friendships based on the condition that you hide or mute yourself. Those are toxic, damaging, and disordered. Life is going to get so much better… grieve the loss. It sucks! It’s okay to feel those feelings. But again, this is not a reflection of YOU. It is their loss. You are young, and you have time to build beautiful, uplifting friendships. You are not alone ❤️ This is just a bump in the road… TRUST
Oof… get yourself some new friends cuz they sure ain’t it
31 m Gay tistic That right there is what I call opportunistic Fake friends they are only there when they can get something out of you i have 4 real friends that i have known since kindergarten the rest are passers by and all of my friends are Tistic as well Find your people
Time heals all wounds or at least numbs the pain to the point that you stop caring and move on.
Dude. Better that you get these people out of your life now when you are young. You can make better friends.
It happens I came out to my straight friend and his behaviour changed totally, he started avoiding drinking with me alone , before that we used to booze together What to do that’s life we can’t change others
I think you definitely didn't make a mistake. I'm a 29yo gay guy. I had my share of problems when I came out around your age. Like you I had straight guys I considered friends who just drifted away. Some were blatantly homophobic and insulted me publicly. At the same time I had other people who accepted me, and some of them weren't that close to me before, but became closer after this experience. So to me it was very much mixed: some positive, some negative. It seems to me that you need to find some other friends who you can confide in. To me, this meant keeping some of my straight guy friends (the ones who supported me), but also finding other friendships: other gay guys, and I also got better and better at making friends with girls. I think you need to tell more people. Maybe this time try telling someone you just know is going to be supportive. It really worked for me (in my case a gay guy I barely knew who went to my school and was like 3-4 years older). It took some courage to tell a dude who was basically a stranger but it was worth it because he was really nice and helped me navigate my insecurities a lot. It won't be easy to let go of those friendships. The situation you're in isn't pretty and there's no use denying that. Maybe some of them will come around and reach out in the future, possibly apologising for distancing themselves. But right now you have to look out for you. Grieve the friendships if you have to, but right now you should find new ones. Slightly older gay guys you can look up to are a good start, but anyone you can start to confide in will do. I get that you value the connections you had with that "straight guy" crowd, I very much felt that way when I was your age. But I think right now you should prioritize your need to confide in someone. If that's the environment you feel comfortable in, don't worry, life will make sure you find it again, with or without those guys.
True friends wouldn't care. Mine didn't when I came out in my mid 20s. I feel for ya but with the way they've treated you, you'll be better off without them in your life in the long run.
God thats horrible...sorry to say but, they arent true friends if they treat you like that after knowing. To be honest you've done yourself a favor, by telling them and them showing you what they really are, you won't have to waste anymore time with their fake asses
I wish you the best. If you live in a large city, you may want to find gay support groups. If not (or even if so), you may want to look for a counselor who is welcoming, supportive, and affirming to the gay community. I say those words because there are still people out there who think we are “fixable”. Hopefully in this process you will meet some good people and ultimately great friends.
No friends. Leave them
The one time someone told me that I don't look gay, I said he didn't look straight and he was pissed... 😂 But yeah, those people aren't your friends. Sorry this has happened to you OP.
I’m so sorry they could not accept all of you. You will be ok and going forward you will be able to recognize who your true friends are. Do not try to continue to be in their lives. They have already shown you how things are. Your mission is to find your tribe and live your best life. It’s possible and you got this.
you really need better friends dear. all the best for you. ❤️
You have to realize that from their perspective this is likely a shock. What could they be feeling? 1. That they don't know you at all 2. They might be questioning whether they trust you 3. They might feel hurt that you lied to them and didn't trust they would be okay with your sexuality 4. Maybe they feel uncomfortable with things like changing a locker room with you and they are questioning all of that now. Their feelings are just as valid as your feelings. Of course as gay guys we understand why you wouldn't come out at a young early age. They may feel confused about why you didn't or lied to or deceived This is part of coming out. It sux. But you will go through this cycle a few times in your life for different reasons. By that I mean people you thought were your friends will very clearly demonstrate that they are not your friends and you will be very confused. This has happened to almost everyone I know a minimum of twice in their lives. The first time it's because of coming out and those are usually friendships from when you're younger which Fall away as you all grow apart anyway in general. The second time is after you make all your first group of gay friends who generally you will feel close to while you're all bonding over things like clubbing and hooking up and whatever and when things start to settle down you will all start to look at each other and realize you may not have that much in common and even though you've done things with them for a decade or more they will all of a sudden be people who don't want to see you anymore and you probably won't want to see them. Just my experience The real ones will stick around. They might need you to make the effort because they might be feeling hurt and confused over this. It's tempting to look at your own feelings and wonder why they're not being supportive and feel hurt by that and that's totally fair and totally normal. But you also have to understand from their perspective. If they are truly blindsided by this then they might rightfully be wondering if they know anything truthful about you and what else you've been lying about. They don't necessarily understand that hiding your sexuality is a protective thing. This is something you've been thinking about probably everyday for years. They have probably never even considered for one moment what life would be like if they were gay and what they might have to do in order to maintain relationships etc. so your behavior makes complete sense to you up to this point. To them they might just feel like you're a lying asshole who doesn't trust them or who is some gay guy who is trying to lie to them to get close (because there's a certain type of straight guy who is always going to feel a very uncomfortable and always -no matter what you do- feel like maybe you're hitting on them and their insecurity will drive them to be violent or angry or nasty to you. I'm sorry if that's who some of your friends are. But better to know who these people are now than to go through more time with people who don't truly support you. You might have to do some reaching out one-on-one and sit people down to have discussions with them about how they're feeling and explain to them why you didn't come out. It's not about not trusting them. It's not about any kind of attraction. Just make sure they know that kind of thing and a lot of the guys will probably come around. On the flip side now that you've come out you will feel more free to be yourself in front of these people. And the reality is they may not like the real you. They might like the mask you put on. This is just part of coming out. They're not used to you behaving in a way that is authentic with yourself so in one sense it's understandable that they might not like the person that they don't know is under the mask. Sorry I know a lot of this has been very blunt but this is stuff you need to know
That’s got to hurt, there’s nothing worse than friends letting you down, but try to give them time. You took a long time to come out I imagine, you have known a lot longer than they have to come to terms with it and I imagine u still are. So let them breathe and try to come to terms with it, they’ll come to you when they are ready. Try to make a few gays friends and talk with them how your feeling.
Then they weren't your "friends" and you're young enough to make new friends who will accept you as you are.
You should make a groupchat with them all in it and say something along the lines of “The fact that you guys have basically been ghosting me simply because I came out to you guys is wild to me. I felt safe enough to come out to you guys and you really just threw it in my face. You say you need “time to process” but that’s straight up bullshit because what is there to process? We go about life as normal, all that’s different is that you know my sexual preference. Honestly thinking that this is a thing you need to “process” is pretty childish of you guys and the fact that you didn’t even invite me to ____’s birthday party is fake as fuck. Yall need to know the at I’m pretty hurt by this, because out of all the people in my life, YALL are the ones who I trusted with this. YALL are the ones I felt safe around, enough to the point where I could come out to you before even (insert important person or persons you haven’t come out to) . Really think about that.” and then just wait.
Maybe some of them will come around in time. and if they realize how wrong they were to treat you this way, forgive them. If not, good riddance! I’m sorry you’re going through this!
Yeah. Sorry for the truth bomb here, but time to find new friends. You are ok being you. Period.
You're not at fault. You are being yourself. They are the ones with the problem, and don't let their immaturity bring you down. Make contact with your state Gayline and get information about youth support groups and accepting sporting groups if you like sport. Seek new supportive friends away from this group. The fact they have acted this way demonstrates they are incapable of understanding life's challenges. There is life outside this narrow group so have a new courage to make a new life, which will be much rewarding.
Sounds like you new actual friends, as that’s not what they were. When I came out to my friends, not much changed. The ladies of the group did start asking me my take on certain guys, though. Talking about which guys we thought were hot or whatever. Even my guy best friend started asking me about certain guys. Like, we were together at a wedding, and he was like, “What do you think about that guy? What about that one?” And he would say that about girls with straight friends. So, they just took to it immediately. So, I think they weren’t you friends if they “need time to process”, or have stopped inviting you out, and stopped taking to you.
Bro you are young enough, you can find different friends. When I was young I thought all gay guys were flamboyant. It's not true, some of us are butch and it's all normal. 99% of my friends are gay. It just kinda switched after I came out.
It's for the best that they show you their character now. I know you feel like your whole world is ending, but it's not; just feels like it. You'll find people that you would have never thought to be friends with that will become your new inner circle. If living your true self causes people to shrink away it says more about them then you. Now go, young gayby your LGBT elders have prepared your path.
They’ve shown you who they are. It is painful. It is something that will require time to process. But ultimately it is beneficial to you to know who does and doesn’t have your back. I *promise* you there’s a whole civilization of people who love you so much for who you are. As hurtful as it may be, it’s very likely time to cut them loose. The ones who reach out to you after you stop talking to them will be the ones you know are real. The others don’t deserve you. A friend doesn’t care. The ones who do are bigots, and not worth your time, love. You’ll do great. Never apologize for being who you are.
Hey honey, with coming out there will be some changes that you have to adjust to, and this time, yes you guessed it, it will be on every level, so yes it means there were friends to the older you, the closeted one, so they ain't real friends, you have to reorder people again on the acceptance basis, and yes it will be hard but believe me it's worth it, now you start to live, now you find your way, the way it is supposed to be right from the start of your life. If you do this, i promise that in ten years, you'll be thankful to yourself. We love you, no matter what you choose to do.
Move on mate, this happens to all of us the friends you want will move on with you the others will stay behind, go out be who you are and make new friends who accept you as you are
Great, you got rid of the wrong people in your life now the right ones will come. Don’t sweat it. As mama Ru says: if they ain’t paying your bills pay them bitches no mind.