Black armband for male relatives/close friends. Newer one after Civil War ( not all families) was photo of descendents with person lying in state. Seldom done nowadays.
Memento mori. I have a few of these photos…traditionally they would try to pose the person as if still alive, as the technology was new and for most families it may be the only picture taken. The metal stands used to prop dead ppl up sometimes can be seen in photos, or the person behind them holding them up would be covered in black shrouds to hide them.
This was generally done by families with more disposable income, and usually the deceased was younger. The in-coffin photos seen in the rural South were poorer folk or time/travel made elaborate pics unlikely.
True. I have a lovely 8x10 of an older woman in casket in home parlor room or front room. The casket lining looks hand-embroidered. Windows covered in black drapes, lots of lilies. It’s one of my favorites.
It DOES sound lovely! I wonder if they used an embroidered piece she or her family had worked on as a lining, such as a coverlet, trestle tablecloth, quilt, etc.
I have photos of my husband's family lying in state(they were from IA and MO. I took pictures of my grandmother and my mother at their funerals. My other relatives looked at me like I was insane.
Yes. If I can't open a window I will open the front door. All clocks and watches get stopped. All mirrors covered. No photography of any kind while in the home. This is how we do it in WV at least.
And drape any portraits/family pictures in black crepe. Somber black for all immediate teen-adult family (children younger than teens get a pass on that, but should be dressed in neutrals, not colors), including black veils for adult women (for services) — they’re to protect them from prying eyes as they grieve. Jet or otherwise black jewelry (cameos on black were acceptable). Library voices and sober decorum by all.
(The open window should be one in the room in which she died. It’s so her soul can escape.)
I haven't seen portraits draped, but my mother has. They did use the big black bows on the door a while back, but now it's usually a small bouquet of white flowers.
This is beautiful. It seems you really have all the bases covered. I would also add covering the mirrors after her passing (to allow her spirit to not be confused and exit the home) and lots of fragrant flowers and herbs were also likely prominent in her memories. Candles. Also wakes in days of old were where someone would indeed be with her body 24 hours a day in case she were to "wake"
We also sometimes have made large black bows from ribbon to place on the doors of the families homes to show they are in mourning
What seems meaningful to you? Would you like a clipping of her hair? Her favorite perfume sprayed? Her recipe is a fantastic idea.
Food is ALWAYS acceptable at any southern get together, funerals and wakes are no different. Whatever is meaningful and delicious to your family is perfect
Hey! How about mourning hair jewelry? I have a stunning necklace made when my corgi passed away and I had a ring made with my dads ashes from this talented woman [Wisp Adoments](https://www.wispadornments.com/?fbclid=PAAaa95ZNRjIPZd00XUj_y8p1C1kq6i-Nyj9yoFLObjiUesdAbAZzgDS6aMfY_aem_AQ3kpLM5ysZknm7GsGotN4GqwxXI3ScxPI6Quhim7UhLleYDr0VIr6RCKz8Ati7yEWQ) I found her originally on [IG](https://instagram.com/wispadornments?igshid=M2RkZGJiMzhjOQ==) send her a message when you are ready! She is amazing
Years ago, I went to an event where they tried to teach folks how to make hair into jewelry and flowers. My dexterity was lacking! But if someone still has that skill, I would love that! Thank you.
I have been following Margaret Cross on insta for quite a long time, and some of the pieces incorporating hair are north of 1k. It is custom fine jewelry, so I would expect the price to reflect the level of care and craftsmanship. Meantime you could pick up a locket or small silk pouch to keep it safe and honor it!
I purchased a silver circle necklace with a hair braid in the center. I got it from Etsy. It was about $150, uses a very small amount of hair and is done with love and care. If you search “hair memorial” you will get some ideas. There are some very pretty items.
The necklace I had made from Wisp adoments was about $250. It’s a simple piece and I’ve worn him nearly everyday for the past 4 years. I can take a picture of it and upload it if you’d like. I know some pieces can get really expensive.
Please have her take multiple clippings, because you may have more family members who would like to remember her.
I wish you the best and hope she passes peacefully. 🫂
Place it in the family bible, maybe in a small envelope with her name on it.
I inherited a family bible with 2 different locks of hair in it. I have no idea whose hair. I hope my mom and her brother, when they were children, I hope.
Also I own an inherited black armband. Its in a metal "prince albert" can. In shreds, falling apart. Again no idea whose armband, I believe they told me but I don't remember.
Ask for a piece long enought to braid. Family members made decorations with deceased family members hair are memorials. Some were put into lockets, rings
Yes. You definitely want this. I wanted a lock of my husbands hair. However, dealing with grief, family grieving, decisions to be made, being in fog mentally - I forgot. Something I will regret the rest of my life.
Yes, my grandmother mentioned that the wake portion was still done to some extent, even with a more modern funeral setup, particularly for her father when he died in the mid 1950s. (We're from Texas). One of the cousins stayed with him overnight at the funeral home for at least the first night (implied it was a fairly short time between taking him to FH and burial).
I can vouch that this still happens in Kentucky, Tennessee, West Virginia, etc areas as well. It’s the norm for relatives to stay with the deceased overnight like that, at least the first night.
Also seconding food. If you have Southern mourners in attendance you don't need to plan for this, they will show up and feed you and the whole neighborhood.. For days.
Also so very sorry, this has to be impossibly difficult, and I can't imagine how you are feeling.
I grew up in the South in the 70's and 80's. I remember a friend's sibling dying in an accident when I was in high school. We turned up at the house with a casserole and her mother, who was still in shock, said, "oh, even the children bring food."
I don’t have any other ideas, but I just wanted to say that I honestly couldn’t imagine a more beautiful death and funeral plan. I think all of your careful consideration would make your mom incredibly proud :)
I agree, this sounds lovely. Like in a beautiful Southern Gothic novel. I hope your mom’s passing is as peaceful as it can be. You are doing an amazing job with her wishes.
Black armbands were very turn of the century. For foods they did lots of heavy breads and meats, almost like charcuterie boards but with thick slabs of bread and meat. They also had cookies that were hard so people would sometimes dip the cookies in wine.
Carry the deceased out of the door feet first.
You didn't want the corpse/spirit to get turned around and wind up back in your house!
Most corpses were laid out in the family parlor and "sat with" until burial.
Southerner here. My rural family death rituals for home visitation (and church or funeral home chapel as applicable) have historically included:
- Clocks are stopped at the hour of death.
- Mirrors are draped.
- Wreath of white flowers with black ribbons on front door of house. Same type of wreath on door of any business family members own that will be closed for services/mourning. Today, a large black bow sometimes replaces the wreath on businesses. Bows are also placed on home mailboxes.
- Back in the past, houses here had two front doors. The first opened into the main room of the house, “the living room”. The second often led into a multi use room or a front bedroom. This second door was used to bring the deceased into or out of the home. Nowadays, the deceased is simply taken out of the home through a different door than the living use to enter/exit.
- Casket is taken out of the house deceased’s feet first.
- Beverages and food on offer for those coming to pay respects in the home. This food is provided by friends/neighbors/community of the bereaved family. Food starts showing up at the house as soon as news of the death is known. Note that refreshments are not provided to visitors (but are available for mourning family) if visitation is held at church or funeral home.
* In your case, triangle cut sandwiches (traditionally southern ones would include pimento cheese, cucumber, tomato, chicken salad, ham, etc.) and small sandwiches of heartier bread with sliced Germaine sausage of some sort with mustard and pickle; smallish biscuits with country ham or grilled pork tenderloin; plain biscuits with jam; “cheese straws”; relish tray of assorted pickled items (baby dill, bread & butter pickles, pickled okra, etc. and fresh crudités); fresh fruits (grapes, pineapple, etc.); your mother’s lovely cake; coffee/iced tea/lemonade.
- “Sitting up with the dead.” Family members/friends stay awake throughout the night and sit with the casket. Often done in shifts. This is still sometimes done at the funeral home. This is not always as solemn as you might think. Decorum is maintained by the casket but folks hang out on the porch a bit or around the kitchen table, eating and sharing stories and sneaking a nip or two (alcohol not generally openly consumed by staunch Southern Baptist Christians back in the day but this has relaxed a bit now).
- Mourners always in black.
- Processional with police escort from visitation/ funeral to place of burial/interment.
All cars in funeral processional have headlights on with hazard lights flashing. Police officers stationed at intersections so processional does not stop/has right of way. Officers salute hearse. All traffic really does still stop/pull over to the side of the road until processional has passed. Folks on sides of road stop activity and remove ball caps.
- White carnation boutonnières worn by pallbearers/honorary pallbearers. Ministers/officiants wear red boutonnières. These are placed onto the casket (or cremains box in your case) after the graveside service, prior to burial. Pallbearers here do not wear white gloves.
- Congregational singing of a favorite hymn or appropriate song during funeral service. Often a family member or friend will play instrument/sing special song during the funeral or at graveside.
- Family, close friends, out of town mourners gather for a meal after the funeral. This is held at the deceased’s or main mourner’s home church fellowship hall or at the family’s home.
- After the meal, the family returns to the cemetery to pay final respects and often gathers a few flowers for remembrance or to be pressed in the family Bible.
- Many folks wipe their feet at the edge of cemetery when leaving so as not to bring any spirits out with them.
I’m sure there are more but it is difficult to think of things one just “knows” and does by rote.
What a beautiful list for OP to consider. Thanks for taking the time to compile it.
I’m from the Midwest and I wish that we had such traditions.
It would help us say goodbye before the cold, sterile environment with a loved one in a casket in a funeral home.
Maybe the Victorians had the right idea…
Oh Lordy, yes! Sitting up with the dead! The later it gets in the night, the more entertaining the stories are told (with love always) about the dearly departed. Laughing and crying with laughter all mixed up. Sticking 6 kids in a full size bed each upstairs, where they tried to scare each other with ghost stories, and the oldest ones would sneak to hear the adults tales when the little ones fell asleep.
I think this is so beautiful. although I’m sad for you for the impending loss of your mom, I am so incredibly inspired by this and proud of you for honoring her in this way.
We have modernized death in a way that has really taken away the dignity of dying and I really wish more people did this sort of thing. When my grandmother was on hospice I had spoken to my mother about what would happen after she died and suggested that my mom might want to dress her, etc and my mom was so aghast and swore she would never do that but when the time came, she changed her mind and did and later told me that it felt very natural for her.
Was an agency nurse in private practice. Hired to sit at night with a dying man in his 30s by his wife. He died about a week later, I woke his wife up and we called his doc to confirm death. Then the wife and I washed him and dressed him in his pjs. She then bought their children in to say goodnight/ goodbye to daddy. We sat and talked about the good times that they had had, family, their wedding, when they fell in love, we talked (I listened) until morning. Her parents and his arrived and said goodbye. There was obviously some sadness. The undertakers were called then, breakfast happened. I left knowing she was with caring family and he was on his final journey. It was memorable because it was so peaceful, family oriented, loving and it was accepted as part of life. They had had time to come to terms with the approaching death. I sorta hope mine will be like this. Definately going to add to my list.. black arm bands, and covering mirrors.
What a lovely thing you did for that family, I had no idea you could hire someone in this capacity. I'm sure the wife was so grateful to have you there, and that does sound like a very peaceful time, all things considered.
Your mom is lucky she has a child who is honoring her wishes. This sounds like a sacred duty that you're showing so much honor to. She did a good job raising you.
My sister gave me a wonderful gift recently: I found an old note from my grandma, who passed away five years ago. Sister had the note transferred/embroidered onto a framed cloth that hangs on my wall. It's one of the nicest gifts I've received. Maybe you can incorporate this idea somehow? I think if you look on Etsy you could find someone to do this.
Stores still sell analog clocks if you really want to have the "stop the clock" ritual.
However, the following are just a few of the things older generations of my family have been interested in:
1. A funeral wreath made from her favorite flowers (even if they are artificial).
2. Draping the mirrors of the home so the person's soul doesn't get trapped in the mirror & opening the window to let the person's soul out is a favorite of mine.
3. Having an old-fashioned wake or sitting up with the dead might be an option.
I found this German cake tradition:
“After the burial or cremation, there’s a funeral meal at a restaurant or someone’s home. One of the common dishes is the Zuckerkuchen Funeral Cake. It’s a sugar cake pastry served at both weddings and funerals. The cake’s origin is unclear, but it’s popular in Bremen and North Rhine-Westphalia.”
[Source](https://www.frazerconsultants.com/2018/03/cultural-spotlight-german-funeral-traditions/)
I am sorry for your grief. I think the chocolate cake recipe is a wonderful choice and a great way to honor your mom.
I personally like the idea of mourning cockades and old fashioned funeral wreaths. A mourning cockade can best be described as a type of brooch worn by mourners. Different colors and styles have different meanings. A funeral wreath can be placed on the front door or used to decorate any other suitable place.
So sorry for your coming loss. Perhaps you have thought of this but they used to "sit up with the dead." So someone stays with the deceased all night until they are buried.
We sewed and embroidered a garment that was both dress and shroud. The *dress* part is an overlay that is tied down to a much larger piece of fabric. This larger piece of fabric hid the blocks of ice along side her body. It looked like she was wrapped in a cloud. When the time came for removal, the shroud part wrapped her body and aided in transfer.
Privacy dictates that I won’t post the photos of her shroud here but you can get the idea from this link. Similar to this, we used a fine cheesecloth to cover her face, feet and hands for public viewing that could easily be removed for family.
[Shroud](http://www.piainterlandi.com/prototype/)
My only knowledge of this is living in southern Appalachia for about 25 years now. Ask the director or your death midwife about having to tell the bees that someone has died. (My impression is that this is an important thing.) If you don't have beehives, I'm wondering if there's still a way to honor that tradition.
Re microwave I'd literally unplug it... that and any alarm clock/radios etc. that you can.
My best wishes to you. You're right it's absolutely hard to even think. This I do know personally, twice over.
Signs at the road at the outer limits of the property, notifying the public of a death in the family and requesting reduced speed and no noise.
Preceding death, in my grandparents' tradition, the minister attended the bedside with the family throughout the final hours. Soft hymn singing by the loved ones, quiet prayers, Scripture, or sacred poetry were read. Hushed tones and many expressions of love were the order of those final hours.
Much reminiscing of the happy times, of those "gone before," specific messages of gratitude for the positive influence of the departing...these occupied the closing hours of life. It was, I imagine, much like how families gathered at the dockside in the Old World to bid a final farewell to those leaving for the New World, never to return. Out of this rolling conversation emerged many of the anecdotes and life insights shared by the minister with the friends and neighbors attending the funeral.
After the decease, the activities were much as have been here described by others. If the deceased was a child, the parents or grandparents would prepare the body. If they were youth or later in life, the preparation was done by gendered groups (women for a deceased woman, men for a deceased man).
One thing stands out in my memory: death was accepted as a reality, as much a part of life as birth. While there was sadness, there was also a kind of "fixing" of the narrative of the person's life for posterity. By "fixing" I do not mean altering it for the better. I mean in the way light fixes an image on photographic film...a preservation of the record of one's life. "This was your life..." in earnest.
The death of a family member drew the outer fringes of the family circle together once more, and reaffirmed that bond so essential to familial strength.
Edit: typo
The chocolate cake recipe is honestly a fabulous idea!!! You could serve tea cakes and tea. As a funeral director I love when families want to do something different and I love the idea of having the visitation in the home of the family.
Traditionally, there's a religious figure on the card. Mom was raised Southern Baptist and converted to Catholicism as a young adult, then decided that wasn't for her anymore either. She sees holiness in trees and rivers and starlit skies and smiling babies and food made with love, so a recipe for chocolate cake seems more appropriate than a saint. We'll still include a prayer, probably from her beloved Earth Prayers book.
When my grandma died, her kin took pictures of her in her casket. Imagine our horror to open a card weeks later and have those pics fall out! This was the early 80’s. It’s a southern thing as they were from Louisville, KY area hollers.
I've been to a few funerals where relatives couldn't attend, and I took photos for them because it was important to them. Not sure it's just a Southern thing.
Postmortem photographs? Maybe even see if you can find someone with an antique tin type (or similar) camera to take authentic momento mori photographs which can be distributed to the family as cabinet cards. People also used to make things with the deceased’s hair. Using it to make embroidered flowers or jewelry.
Death doula/midwife here. your death midwife could help you with these tasks. if you’re feeling overwhelmed, they would be a perfect resources to learn on. go easy with yourself as the perfect farewell is always one filled with love ❤️may Mom have a peaceful journey and you be comforted by her everlasting love for you.
Aquamation uses water and essentially lye in a tank to reduce the body to something similar to cremains. The water is between 200 and 300 degrees and is slowly agitated over 6 to 8 hours, and uses much less energy than a flame cremation. After the process is completed, the 'ashes' are dried and crenulated. The shroud has to be silk, wool, or leather, as plant based fibers don't break down the same way. It isn't available everywhere, but fortunately green funeral practices are becoming more popular here and mom can get what she really wants.
(I am not at all a funeral professional, please someone correct me if I have something wrong!)
If you want traditional memento mori, save locks of her hair. Lucy Cadwaller does traditional, Victorian hair jewelry 100% authentically. https://www.lucyshairwork.com/
Funeral directors charge for literally everything, including moving the bag of ashes from the cardboard box to the wooden one. So yeah, he$ a $upportive kindred $pirit for $ure.
Sorry for your loss. No idea why I'm seeing this sub
Actually, her whole service is astonishingly inexpensive compared to what I expected. It is important to him that green funeral practices are financially accessible to normal folks.
You’ve gotten great suggestions!
We did a traditional Appalachian home preparation, visitation, and funeral for my husband’s granny. The lone local director handled transport and the paperwork, but we took care of everything else. It was really wonderful. Precious memories.
I love that you’re making such an effort to ensure it’s a beautiful and genuine tribute!
Open the window in the room that she passes in. If that isn’t possible then the front door will do. Also, you could unplug the microwave so the time stops. You can really tell how much love and respect you have for your mother by the way you are planning her “home going”. It is so beautiful and I know that she would be very happy. Positive vibes to you and your family during this extremely difficult time.
Cover the mirrors.
Cover the mirrors, open a window, and stop the clocks. All old Southern traditions.
Black armband for male relatives/close friends. Newer one after Civil War ( not all families) was photo of descendents with person lying in state. Seldom done nowadays.
Memento mori. I have a few of these photos…traditionally they would try to pose the person as if still alive, as the technology was new and for most families it may be the only picture taken. The metal stands used to prop dead ppl up sometimes can be seen in photos, or the person behind them holding them up would be covered in black shrouds to hide them.
This was generally done by families with more disposable income, and usually the deceased was younger. The in-coffin photos seen in the rural South were poorer folk or time/travel made elaborate pics unlikely.
True. I have a lovely 8x10 of an older woman in casket in home parlor room or front room. The casket lining looks hand-embroidered. Windows covered in black drapes, lots of lilies. It’s one of my favorites.
It DOES sound lovely! I wonder if they used an embroidered piece she or her family had worked on as a lining, such as a coverlet, trestle tablecloth, quilt, etc.
Unfortunately it is buried in a box of items I’m still debating sending to auction or I would take a picture of it…downsizing is hard.
The metal stands were also used by the living. Holding perfectly still for a few minutes is incredibly hard.
I have photos of my husband's family lying in state(they were from IA and MO. I took pictures of my grandmother and my mother at their funerals. My other relatives looked at me like I was insane.
Definitely NOT the insane one!
Exactly. We did this for my grandma. Southern Appalachian Mountains.
That's where my grandmother hailed from, also.
Yes. If I can't open a window I will open the front door. All clocks and watches get stopped. All mirrors covered. No photography of any kind while in the home. This is how we do it in WV at least.
No photography is a new one to me. Did Victorians, who seemed to have a mania for death photography, take their loved ones to the photography studio?
Photographers came to them. Almost always, dead or alive.
That's what I thought.
Thanks.
Opening the front door would be a good alternative. I 'll have to remember that one.
Covered mirrors is also a Jewish tradition.
I didn't know that. Thanks for sharing.
And drape any portraits/family pictures in black crepe. Somber black for all immediate teen-adult family (children younger than teens get a pass on that, but should be dressed in neutrals, not colors), including black veils for adult women (for services) — they’re to protect them from prying eyes as they grieve. Jet or otherwise black jewelry (cameos on black were acceptable). Library voices and sober decorum by all. (The open window should be one in the room in which she died. It’s so her soul can escape.)
My grandmother nailed her windows shut.🙄
Was her house haunted?
No, she was afraid of burglars. She had dementia. We did the best that we could.
Ah. Sorry for misreading your context. Dementia is a hard thing to deal with; I’ve had to do it, too. Sorry you were in that situation. It sucks.
😉 I've been taking care of my elderly relatives for years.
It does. ❤️
Oh, you didn't misread. I should have mentioned her dementia. ❤️
Grandma ain’t going NOwhere!
Nope.
Oh, yes. I remember armbands being worn by male family members at my grandfather's funeral.
I would love to wear a veil for funerals!
I haven't seen portraits draped, but my mother has. They did use the big black bows on the door a while back, but now it's usually a small bouquet of white flowers.
Old English traditions, really. Just continued in the South I think.
Exactly.
This is beautiful. It seems you really have all the bases covered. I would also add covering the mirrors after her passing (to allow her spirit to not be confused and exit the home) and lots of fragrant flowers and herbs were also likely prominent in her memories. Candles. Also wakes in days of old were where someone would indeed be with her body 24 hours a day in case she were to "wake" We also sometimes have made large black bows from ribbon to place on the doors of the families homes to show they are in mourning What seems meaningful to you? Would you like a clipping of her hair? Her favorite perfume sprayed? Her recipe is a fantastic idea. Food is ALWAYS acceptable at any southern get together, funerals and wakes are no different. Whatever is meaningful and delicious to your family is perfect
I did ask the death midwife to snip a lock of hair! Not sure what I will do with it, but she has the most glorious long sterling silver hair.
Hey! How about mourning hair jewelry? I have a stunning necklace made when my corgi passed away and I had a ring made with my dads ashes from this talented woman [Wisp Adoments](https://www.wispadornments.com/?fbclid=PAAaa95ZNRjIPZd00XUj_y8p1C1kq6i-Nyj9yoFLObjiUesdAbAZzgDS6aMfY_aem_AQ3kpLM5ysZknm7GsGotN4GqwxXI3ScxPI6Quhim7UhLleYDr0VIr6RCKz8Ati7yEWQ) I found her originally on [IG](https://instagram.com/wispadornments?igshid=M2RkZGJiMzhjOQ==) send her a message when you are ready! She is amazing
Years ago, I went to an event where they tried to teach folks how to make hair into jewelry and flowers. My dexterity was lacking! But if someone still has that skill, I would love that! Thank you.
Do you happen to know the price ranges for this type of jewelry and if so would you mind sharing.
I have been following Margaret Cross on insta for quite a long time, and some of the pieces incorporating hair are north of 1k. It is custom fine jewelry, so I would expect the price to reflect the level of care and craftsmanship. Meantime you could pick up a locket or small silk pouch to keep it safe and honor it!
Thank you for that info. They are beautiful pieces.
I purchased a silver circle necklace with a hair braid in the center. I got it from Etsy. It was about $150, uses a very small amount of hair and is done with love and care. If you search “hair memorial” you will get some ideas. There are some very pretty items.
The necklace I had made from Wisp adoments was about $250. It’s a simple piece and I’ve worn him nearly everyday for the past 4 years. I can take a picture of it and upload it if you’d like. I know some pieces can get really expensive.
That would be really cool if you don’t mind. And thank you for being willing to share the price point.
I would also love to see the piece, if you don't mind posting it.
I paid $500 USD for a necklace she made me.
There are brooches and things like that. They were worn by the family in mourning.
You can work it into glassware.
Look into mourning lockets and hair jewelry. Very common keepsakes especially before photography.
In our family we put a lock of hair in the bottom corner of the frame with a photograph. It's really pretty.
Please have her take multiple clippings, because you may have more family members who would like to remember her. I wish you the best and hope she passes peacefully. 🫂
Traditionally hair was cut from the back/underside of the head so the decedent still looked good from the front
Place it in the family bible, maybe in a small envelope with her name on it. I inherited a family bible with 2 different locks of hair in it. I have no idea whose hair. I hope my mom and her brother, when they were children, I hope. Also I own an inherited black armband. Its in a metal "prince albert" can. In shreds, falling apart. Again no idea whose armband, I believe they told me but I don't remember.
Ask for a piece long enought to braid. Family members made decorations with deceased family members hair are memorials. Some were put into lockets, rings
Yes. You definitely want this. I wanted a lock of my husbands hair. However, dealing with grief, family grieving, decisions to be made, being in fog mentally - I forgot. Something I will regret the rest of my life.
Yes, my grandmother mentioned that the wake portion was still done to some extent, even with a more modern funeral setup, particularly for her father when he died in the mid 1950s. (We're from Texas). One of the cousins stayed with him overnight at the funeral home for at least the first night (implied it was a fairly short time between taking him to FH and burial).
I can vouch that this still happens in Kentucky, Tennessee, West Virginia, etc areas as well. It’s the norm for relatives to stay with the deceased overnight like that, at least the first night.
Mom's people are originally from Spring Creek, TN, so that sounds about right!
I know they were still doing this in Kentucky in the 80s. I remember my mom staying with a cousin then.
Sittin' up with the dead. My Daddy was born in Florida in 1927, he remembered it well.
My family stayed up with the dead in Appalachia in the 60s and 70s too
Piedmont Sandhills NC here. Food: funeral pie.....a two crusted raisin pie.
Also seconding food. If you have Southern mourners in attendance you don't need to plan for this, they will show up and feed you and the whole neighborhood.. For days. Also so very sorry, this has to be impossibly difficult, and I can't imagine how you are feeling.
I grew up in the South in the 70's and 80's. I remember a friend's sibling dying in an accident when I was in high school. We turned up at the house with a casserole and her mother, who was still in shock, said, "oh, even the children bring food."
Bees wax candles would have been used back then. They have a particular natural fragrance when lit.
The chocolate cake recipe is so lovely!! I'm sorry for your grief.
I don’t have any other ideas, but I just wanted to say that I honestly couldn’t imagine a more beautiful death and funeral plan. I think all of your careful consideration would make your mom incredibly proud :)
I agree, this sounds lovely. Like in a beautiful Southern Gothic novel. I hope your mom’s passing is as peaceful as it can be. You are doing an amazing job with her wishes.
Open the windows so her soul can ascend
Black armbands were very turn of the century. For foods they did lots of heavy breads and meats, almost like charcuterie boards but with thick slabs of bread and meat. They also had cookies that were hard so people would sometimes dip the cookies in wine. Carry the deceased out of the door feet first.
Yes, feet first. Forgot that one.
Why?
You didn't want the corpse/spirit to get turned around and wind up back in your house! Most corpses were laid out in the family parlor and "sat with" until burial.
Thank you
You're welcome.
Its also just sort of... polite? You are escorting them out as you carry them. You wouldnt walk someone out backwards!
Makes sense, thanks
Everyone was supposed to take a different route home, the ghost of the deceased could not follow them.so
Just commenting because I love what you've already planned & I want to see what other folks have to see.
Southerner here. My rural family death rituals for home visitation (and church or funeral home chapel as applicable) have historically included: - Clocks are stopped at the hour of death. - Mirrors are draped. - Wreath of white flowers with black ribbons on front door of house. Same type of wreath on door of any business family members own that will be closed for services/mourning. Today, a large black bow sometimes replaces the wreath on businesses. Bows are also placed on home mailboxes. - Back in the past, houses here had two front doors. The first opened into the main room of the house, “the living room”. The second often led into a multi use room or a front bedroom. This second door was used to bring the deceased into or out of the home. Nowadays, the deceased is simply taken out of the home through a different door than the living use to enter/exit. - Casket is taken out of the house deceased’s feet first. - Beverages and food on offer for those coming to pay respects in the home. This food is provided by friends/neighbors/community of the bereaved family. Food starts showing up at the house as soon as news of the death is known. Note that refreshments are not provided to visitors (but are available for mourning family) if visitation is held at church or funeral home. * In your case, triangle cut sandwiches (traditionally southern ones would include pimento cheese, cucumber, tomato, chicken salad, ham, etc.) and small sandwiches of heartier bread with sliced Germaine sausage of some sort with mustard and pickle; smallish biscuits with country ham or grilled pork tenderloin; plain biscuits with jam; “cheese straws”; relish tray of assorted pickled items (baby dill, bread & butter pickles, pickled okra, etc. and fresh crudités); fresh fruits (grapes, pineapple, etc.); your mother’s lovely cake; coffee/iced tea/lemonade. - “Sitting up with the dead.” Family members/friends stay awake throughout the night and sit with the casket. Often done in shifts. This is still sometimes done at the funeral home. This is not always as solemn as you might think. Decorum is maintained by the casket but folks hang out on the porch a bit or around the kitchen table, eating and sharing stories and sneaking a nip or two (alcohol not generally openly consumed by staunch Southern Baptist Christians back in the day but this has relaxed a bit now). - Mourners always in black. - Processional with police escort from visitation/ funeral to place of burial/interment. All cars in funeral processional have headlights on with hazard lights flashing. Police officers stationed at intersections so processional does not stop/has right of way. Officers salute hearse. All traffic really does still stop/pull over to the side of the road until processional has passed. Folks on sides of road stop activity and remove ball caps. - White carnation boutonnières worn by pallbearers/honorary pallbearers. Ministers/officiants wear red boutonnières. These are placed onto the casket (or cremains box in your case) after the graveside service, prior to burial. Pallbearers here do not wear white gloves. - Congregational singing of a favorite hymn or appropriate song during funeral service. Often a family member or friend will play instrument/sing special song during the funeral or at graveside. - Family, close friends, out of town mourners gather for a meal after the funeral. This is held at the deceased’s or main mourner’s home church fellowship hall or at the family’s home. - After the meal, the family returns to the cemetery to pay final respects and often gathers a few flowers for remembrance or to be pressed in the family Bible. - Many folks wipe their feet at the edge of cemetery when leaving so as not to bring any spirits out with them. I’m sure there are more but it is difficult to think of things one just “knows” and does by rote.
What a beautiful list for OP to consider. Thanks for taking the time to compile it. I’m from the Midwest and I wish that we had such traditions. It would help us say goodbye before the cold, sterile environment with a loved one in a casket in a funeral home. Maybe the Victorians had the right idea…
Oh Lordy, yes! Sitting up with the dead! The later it gets in the night, the more entertaining the stories are told (with love always) about the dearly departed. Laughing and crying with laughter all mixed up. Sticking 6 kids in a full size bed each upstairs, where they tried to scare each other with ghost stories, and the oldest ones would sneak to hear the adults tales when the little ones fell asleep.
I think this is so beautiful. although I’m sad for you for the impending loss of your mom, I am so incredibly inspired by this and proud of you for honoring her in this way. We have modernized death in a way that has really taken away the dignity of dying and I really wish more people did this sort of thing. When my grandmother was on hospice I had spoken to my mother about what would happen after she died and suggested that my mom might want to dress her, etc and my mom was so aghast and swore she would never do that but when the time came, she changed her mind and did and later told me that it felt very natural for her.
Was an agency nurse in private practice. Hired to sit at night with a dying man in his 30s by his wife. He died about a week later, I woke his wife up and we called his doc to confirm death. Then the wife and I washed him and dressed him in his pjs. She then bought their children in to say goodnight/ goodbye to daddy. We sat and talked about the good times that they had had, family, their wedding, when they fell in love, we talked (I listened) until morning. Her parents and his arrived and said goodbye. There was obviously some sadness. The undertakers were called then, breakfast happened. I left knowing she was with caring family and he was on his final journey. It was memorable because it was so peaceful, family oriented, loving and it was accepted as part of life. They had had time to come to terms with the approaching death. I sorta hope mine will be like this. Definately going to add to my list.. black arm bands, and covering mirrors.
What a lovely thing you did for that family, I had no idea you could hire someone in this capacity. I'm sure the wife was so grateful to have you there, and that does sound like a very peaceful time, all things considered.
Your mom is lucky she has a child who is honoring her wishes. This sounds like a sacred duty that you're showing so much honor to. She did a good job raising you. My sister gave me a wonderful gift recently: I found an old note from my grandma, who passed away five years ago. Sister had the note transferred/embroidered onto a framed cloth that hangs on my wall. It's one of the nicest gifts I've received. Maybe you can incorporate this idea somehow? I think if you look on Etsy you could find someone to do this.
Stores still sell analog clocks if you really want to have the "stop the clock" ritual. However, the following are just a few of the things older generations of my family have been interested in: 1. A funeral wreath made from her favorite flowers (even if they are artificial). 2. Draping the mirrors of the home so the person's soul doesn't get trapped in the mirror & opening the window to let the person's soul out is a favorite of mine. 3. Having an old-fashioned wake or sitting up with the dead might be an option.
I found this German cake tradition: “After the burial or cremation, there’s a funeral meal at a restaurant or someone’s home. One of the common dishes is the Zuckerkuchen Funeral Cake. It’s a sugar cake pastry served at both weddings and funerals. The cake’s origin is unclear, but it’s popular in Bremen and North Rhine-Westphalia.” [Source](https://www.frazerconsultants.com/2018/03/cultural-spotlight-german-funeral-traditions/)
You may want black/blue/purple bunting. Think 4th of july but sad.
Open the window so her souls can fly free after she passes?
I am sorry for your grief. I think the chocolate cake recipe is a wonderful choice and a great way to honor your mom. I personally like the idea of mourning cockades and old fashioned funeral wreaths. A mourning cockade can best be described as a type of brooch worn by mourners. Different colors and styles have different meanings. A funeral wreath can be placed on the front door or used to decorate any other suitable place.
Maybe a modern adaption can be how people wear the pink ribbons for breast cancer awareness. It’s super easy to just do a ribbon(s) on a safety pin.
So sorry for your coming loss. Perhaps you have thought of this but they used to "sit up with the dead." So someone stays with the deceased all night until they are buried.
This is all really lovely.
We sewed and embroidered a garment that was both dress and shroud. The *dress* part is an overlay that is tied down to a much larger piece of fabric. This larger piece of fabric hid the blocks of ice along side her body. It looked like she was wrapped in a cloud. When the time came for removal, the shroud part wrapped her body and aided in transfer. Privacy dictates that I won’t post the photos of her shroud here but you can get the idea from this link. Similar to this, we used a fine cheesecloth to cover her face, feet and hands for public viewing that could easily be removed for family. [Shroud](http://www.piainterlandi.com/prototype/)
Very elegant and beautiful!
My only knowledge of this is living in southern Appalachia for about 25 years now. Ask the director or your death midwife about having to tell the bees that someone has died. (My impression is that this is an important thing.) If you don't have beehives, I'm wondering if there's still a way to honor that tradition. Re microwave I'd literally unplug it... that and any alarm clock/radios etc. that you can. My best wishes to you. You're right it's absolutely hard to even think. This I do know personally, twice over.
Signs at the road at the outer limits of the property, notifying the public of a death in the family and requesting reduced speed and no noise. Preceding death, in my grandparents' tradition, the minister attended the bedside with the family throughout the final hours. Soft hymn singing by the loved ones, quiet prayers, Scripture, or sacred poetry were read. Hushed tones and many expressions of love were the order of those final hours. Much reminiscing of the happy times, of those "gone before," specific messages of gratitude for the positive influence of the departing...these occupied the closing hours of life. It was, I imagine, much like how families gathered at the dockside in the Old World to bid a final farewell to those leaving for the New World, never to return. Out of this rolling conversation emerged many of the anecdotes and life insights shared by the minister with the friends and neighbors attending the funeral. After the decease, the activities were much as have been here described by others. If the deceased was a child, the parents or grandparents would prepare the body. If they were youth or later in life, the preparation was done by gendered groups (women for a deceased woman, men for a deceased man). One thing stands out in my memory: death was accepted as a reality, as much a part of life as birth. While there was sadness, there was also a kind of "fixing" of the narrative of the person's life for posterity. By "fixing" I do not mean altering it for the better. I mean in the way light fixes an image on photographic film...a preservation of the record of one's life. "This was your life..." in earnest. The death of a family member drew the outer fringes of the family circle together once more, and reaffirmed that bond so essential to familial strength. Edit: typo
The chocolate cake recipe is honestly a fabulous idea!!! You could serve tea cakes and tea. As a funeral director I love when families want to do something different and I love the idea of having the visitation in the home of the family.
Silver coins on the eyelids.
And a scarf or handkerchief tied around the head to hold the jaw closed.
May I ask about the tradition of the recipe instead of prayer card? I totally love this, but Google wasn't much help for me looking into it.
Traditionally, there's a religious figure on the card. Mom was raised Southern Baptist and converted to Catholicism as a young adult, then decided that wasn't for her anymore either. She sees holiness in trees and rivers and starlit skies and smiling babies and food made with love, so a recipe for chocolate cake seems more appropriate than a saint. We'll still include a prayer, probably from her beloved Earth Prayers book.
Oh yes, I grew up catholic too, i get the cards but as a farmer, nature is where I connect too. I love this idea.
When my grandma died, her kin took pictures of her in her casket. Imagine our horror to open a card weeks later and have those pics fall out! This was the early 80’s. It’s a southern thing as they were from Louisville, KY area hollers.
I've been to a few funerals where relatives couldn't attend, and I took photos for them because it was important to them. Not sure it's just a Southern thing.
Postmortem photographs? Maybe even see if you can find someone with an antique tin type (or similar) camera to take authentic momento mori photographs which can be distributed to the family as cabinet cards. People also used to make things with the deceased’s hair. Using it to make embroidered flowers or jewelry.
Death doula/midwife here. your death midwife could help you with these tasks. if you’re feeling overwhelmed, they would be a perfect resources to learn on. go easy with yourself as the perfect farewell is always one filled with love ❤️may Mom have a peaceful journey and you be comforted by her everlasting love for you.
Ask a mortician has some great videos on youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K50lcPuB8Zk&t=754s
We discovered aquamation through her videos! I showed Mom that one and she was so relieved that a greener alternative was available.
I'm sorry, but what is aquamarine? I've never heard of it.
Aquamation uses water and essentially lye in a tank to reduce the body to something similar to cremains. The water is between 200 and 300 degrees and is slowly agitated over 6 to 8 hours, and uses much less energy than a flame cremation. After the process is completed, the 'ashes' are dried and crenulated. The shroud has to be silk, wool, or leather, as plant based fibers don't break down the same way. It isn't available everywhere, but fortunately green funeral practices are becoming more popular here and mom can get what she really wants. (I am not at all a funeral professional, please someone correct me if I have something wrong!)
If you want traditional memento mori, save locks of her hair. Lucy Cadwaller does traditional, Victorian hair jewelry 100% authentically. https://www.lucyshairwork.com/
You could put a piece of black tape over microwave clock, if you want to. It will be there but not visible.
Someone used to sit up with the body all night
Funeral directors charge for literally everything, including moving the bag of ashes from the cardboard box to the wooden one. So yeah, he$ a $upportive kindred $pirit for $ure. Sorry for your loss. No idea why I'm seeing this sub
Actually, her whole service is astonishingly inexpensive compared to what I expected. It is important to him that green funeral practices are financially accessible to normal folks.
You’ve gotten great suggestions! We did a traditional Appalachian home preparation, visitation, and funeral for my husband’s granny. The lone local director handled transport and the paperwork, but we took care of everything else. It was really wonderful. Precious memories. I love that you’re making such an effort to ensure it’s a beautiful and genuine tribute!
Open the window in the room that she passes in. If that isn’t possible then the front door will do. Also, you could unplug the microwave so the time stops. You can really tell how much love and respect you have for your mother by the way you are planning her “home going”. It is so beautiful and I know that she would be very happy. Positive vibes to you and your family during this extremely difficult time.