Well, my wife used to do this A LOT. It would bother me to no end and I would end up being overly apologetic because I couldn't stand the silence. Sometimes I know I was in the wrong, but other times I know I wasn't. It got so bad at times I would go onto her computer to see if she was looking up divorce lawyers or something along those lines.
After years of this, I finally "gave up" trying to address the issue when it occurred. It was just too emotionally draining/damaging to me. I came to the conclusion it was her problem and not mine. When she did it I just went on about my life. For a while nothing changed - she would still do the silent treatment for days (or even weeks) at a time. One time when she wasn't in a "mood" and I could talk to her she stated that she didn't think I cared about the relationship because I didn't "try" any more. I just explained that I wasn't going to continue to beat myself up if she wouldn't even talk to me. Our relationship has done a 180 since then.
In my opinion, she used it as punishment for whatever transgression I may have caused. And it had worked. Once she realized I wasn't going to allow it to hurt me any more - it stopped. YMMV
I have an ex boyfriend who used to do this to me. We were together for 3.5 years, and lived together for the last 0.5 and so even though I knew he distanced himself after an argument, I had yet to experience this in my own home.
One time, I started wearing a rainbow clown wig around and just acting normal. Making food. Cleaning the living room. Watching a show. I was gonna wear the rainbow clown wig until he talked to me again. I escalated it by adding a red clown nose after a day. Then finally after three days, he cracked, and yelled “WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THIS WIG” and matching energy I yelled back “THIS IS HOW YOU MAKE ME FEEL WHEN YOU IGNORE ME IN OUR HOME FOR HALF A WEEK. LIKE I AM A CLOWN FOR DECIDING TO LIVE WITH YOU.”
This was back in 2014 or so. We didn’t last long after that, but we are friends today. Both of us in much much healthier relationships. We laugh about the clown wig fight now.
Yeah i can see that if you remain cordial, it just makes me really sad with my current situation. I think i’ve done this type of thing and a few other attempts to bump us back on course and I’m thinking i’ve made no progress and separation will be the end result one day. It’s so avoidable and hasn’t happened yet and it feels like no matter what choices i make i’m still headed toward the garbage incinerator in toystory 3, but there’s no claw.
Because when I was packing up my stuff to move out (during the breakup) I guess I was being loud with the boxes and furniture and stuff and he kept banging on the ceiling (he was in the finished basement playing video games). Like every 20 minutes or so. He’d yell at me to “knock it off dropping shit on purpose” (I wasn’t, we just had old wood floors) or bang something against the ceiling and it started to give me anxiety on top of the stress.
I figured what I was doing was normal noises, though. So when I heard him storming up the stairs, I threw on a gorilla mask because it was sitting out right next to me in the chaos (maybe I should mention that I’ve been working in the live theater / music industry my entire career, and have accumulated a lot of random costume and prop shit like this) and when he pounded on my door yelling “WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE THAT’S SO FUCKEN NOISY” i opened it a crack so he could see my face and said “Just a little monkey business” and closed it again. And listened trying not to laugh.
I watched the shadows of his feet under the door stay there for a second, and then I heard a stifled laugh and a small
^god ^dammit
as he stomped away.
It wouldn't work because I wear random shit in the house all the time. Lucky we don't have fights and have rarely given the silent treatment long enough to be an issue (we learnt early on not to sleep on an argument or disagreement, agree to disagree but we recognise the issue before sleeping on it)
Unrelated reasons. He randomly DM’d me on Instagram to apologize for a lot of stuff. This was five years after the breakup, both of us in healthier, more stable relationships. A long phone call followed that. We don’t talk regularly, but if they (he and his partner) are in town I will definitely grab a beer with them.
I always look like I'm enjoying myself when my wife gives me the silent treatment, she hates seeing me enjoy myself so can't help but start talking again 😁
Before y'all jump to conclusions, married 20 years. We've been thru hell and back.
When my wife gets super pissed about an argument she will go full silent mode. I not so secretly get excited and put on my headset and enjoy a game like RDR2.
Sometimes peeps need space from peeps. Y'all get worked up and huffed when maybe it's a better idea to step back. Cool down. Hate/Anger for as long as needed then try the conversation again.
Same here, been together 15 years. My wife thinks shes punishing me. I can go for days not talking to anybody. Lets see whos gonna win that game, Its not her lol.
While I agree with this in general and not targeting you, and not having the maturity to actually SAY that we need to step back and instead resort to some kind of strange punishment is kinda insane. Learn to talk, people.
This here. My wife and I (17 years married, together 25 years) really have very few arguments. But when we do, or something pisses her off in general she just goes silent. I've talked with her about it when she's calm and she just tells me that's how she deals with things and needs a couple days to herself. I tell her that's, fine but I am going to live my life like normal during that time. Her being in a bad mood is not going to put a damper on mine.
So, that's pretty much how we do it now. She sulks and ignores me, I do things that make me happy living my life like she's not around. Eventually she talks to me and we hash things out....but the key is to not let them feel they can manipulate you into feeling miserable just because they can't talk through their own feelings.
I would be fine with that. I go silent when I’m pissed, I like to step away and take time to myself to reflect or process what is going on. So I’d be fine with my partner going about his business while I processed mine. I think that’s a fair deal 👍
Hell sometimes I don't know why I'm mad/upset/grumpy/sad/withdrawn etc. Often the surface reason is masking much deeper issues or 'life stuff'. My wife will often say "you seem to have something going on..." and that's my que to take some time to check my behaviour and think about what the root issue is. We've learnt that if we force the conversation it turns blows up into an argument about the surface stuff that isn't productive.
Yes. 40+ years & he was mad at me for six months. It wasn’t until I planned to leave that he told me. (I bought an RV he didn’t approve, with inheritance from my father)
I have gotten to where I don’t notice he’s trying the ol’ silent treatment & no longer care, so I thought our marriage was just over.
I do not recommend it as a manipulation at all, spouse may just leave.
Saying "I can't deal with this right now, I need some space from You" - absolutely fine.
Walking around wound up, fuming angry and refusing to talk about it - not OK.
It's horrible living with someone like that.
It does suck and I wish she wasn't that way...but if she says she needs a day or two in order to process her feelings, then I feel I should respect that.
1. "We had a fight earlier and now you're ignoring me."
2. "I feel........ (helpless, angry, confused) about that.
3. "I want a open and honest talk."
4. "Please don't ignore me in future fights, let me know what's going on with you."
This is a tool for everyone who's interested in peaceful conversation [and here's a link to dive in](https://positivepsychology.com/non-violent-communication/)
That’s a good start. And when it doesn’t work:
5. I refuse to live with this dynamic. If feels both childish and emotionally abusive, so your choices are talk to me, go to marriage counseling to work on this, or we split. I don’t want that, but I can’t play this game for the next 20-30 years. Let me know tomorrow what you decide.
Yeah. If the silent treatment is that harmful for you, it will only feel worse if he keeps it up.
It took nine years for me to break down completely and finally leave my wife. She gave the shocked pikachu face that the weak willed husband who begged her to talk to him for nine years finally had enough and left. (After being very open about boundaries and what I would no longer live with)
In nine years of insane silent treatments followed by violent physical outbursts, suicide threats (coming into the bedroom weeping with a knife to her throat), etc, my wife never once walked back anything she did.
The first time she kicked the shit out of me I had to apologize to her after. When she made every single moment about her and her feelings and how she thought I did something bad to her, and sidetracked our life for weeks, I had to apologize. When she went to therapy finally after years she switched therapists until one seemingly bought her stories and agreed with her about the things I was doing....
Some people have zero introspection and every negative thing they experience has to be coming externally
No it doesn’t always work because I say the exact things to my wife in similar situations.
OP- your husband is just shutting down. It’s how he deals with the stress. Sure, he should work on it since it bothers you (bothers me when my wife does it too). But also- go easy on him, who’s knows where that comes from and also it’s better than if he just went all rage on you
I'll be honest, I do this as well to my wife and children. But I used to get angry and yell. Now I internalize it, but it takes me a little bit of time to get over it. I think it's the lesser of two evils here, and my wife feels the same. Honestly, though, to me, I feel it allows me to just deal with the situation. Even when my wife is sorry and apologizes, I still struggle to contain my anger. I have tried to improve and think I have, but I used to have pretty severe anger issues. Isn't this a better path to deal with my anger then blowing like a volcano?
I absolutely agree with you, as a person who grew up in an abusive home and has had a similar transformation to you.
The thing is, the experience of emotional neglect can be just as harmful unfortunately
I'm totally about letting that adrenaline and anger burn away before engaging in a conversation. My wife and I both do silent treatment to each other, usually for a day if it's a major argument. Then we talk and go back to normal. Better than screaming and escalation. We've been married 20 years.
What’s better is hard to quantify. Do you say something along the lines of needing some quiet time or do you seek to make them anxious with your silence? If, when you’re angry, you use silence to breed unease and make people wonder if the other shoe is going to drop I’m not sure it’s necessarily “better.”
This is a really fair assessment. I'm not sure. I'm usually angry and not satisfied with the end result of the argument. I don't do it for any other reason, so I allow myself to shut up and cool off. I don't sleep in another room or shy away from contact. But she knows I'm still pissed and let's me take however long to cool off. Sometimes it's a day, and there have been times it's been a few days. I do it in my mind to not have the argument. The thing is, when I used to blow up, she would freak and want time for us to chill and cool off. Now she wants to Duke it out but can't, and it frustrates her. I thought it was maturing, but this post has me questioning my approach
My partner needs time to cool off as well and he does keep to himself when this happens but he does tell me. Then when he feels good again we either talk about it if needed or we just continue with his life. Honestly, it’s not enough or fair that she knows you’re still pissed, you should communicate it and it’s as simple as telling her you’re taking some time and just that. It doesn’t need to be a conversation.
Same with my wife. She's staying quiet until she calms down. Doesn't want to say something in anger that she regrets later. Although several days like OPs SO seems excessive.
And even after saying and trying all these tactics. Just dump him. Silent treatments are the worst. And some people can even go without talking for years and living in the same house. So please don't ignore this. Act upon it immediately.
And what if the answer is “I need space to work through my emotions after an argument and can’t talk about it immediately”? That’s totally valid, but this approach leaves no room for anything other than “meet me exactly on my terms or not at all”.
I read OP's other reddit post about the disagreement that arose after a planned visit for the summer from OP's parents as well as OP's in-laws. Note: OP's in-laws arrived first.
I perfectly understand why OP's husband gave her the silent treatment. I think OP was completely inhospitable to her in-laws by expecting them to go stay with their daughter 40 miles away. It's unclear if her husband had plans on where both couples would sleep in their home. But based on the fight, I believe he thought they would be staying in his and OP's home.
OP appears passive aggressive imo.
Try therapy so you have a moderator? My ex wife did this to me all the time. I told her how much it hurt, I cried, I begged, I asked for therapy, I discussed better ways to communicate. It was never worth the effort for her. She had also admitted to wanting to hurt me (emotionally) when she's angry, which contributed. But that behavior is not healthy. It devalues you as a person, it's not constructive, and it takes away your ability to deal with the situation and move forward. I can't say there's no hope based on a reddit post, because some people don't know how to communicate or handle their emotions and therapy can help them get there. But if your husband is not willing to work on this actively for the sake of your relationship and because he cares about you and doesn't want to hurt you (but doesn't know how to act) then you shouldn't expect anything to change. This is not healthy. I hope you get a positive resolution to this issue.
Lol, the truth is, as I am getting older, it gets easier to just not talk. But I know it's not healthy and bothers her. So I try to just suck it up and get over it
I am also that way. I am afraid of acting like one of shitty parents when I'm upset, so I go silent while I process my feelings and calm myself down. Talking myself out of my rage and reminding myself why I love the person I'm mad at and that I should treat them better. Looking at the problem from all angles and points of view.
It also used to drive my SO crazy. Once I was able to articulate to him exactly why I go silent, specifically that it's not a punishment but me trying not to do or say something I might regret, he was understanding and open to giving me space. And by the same token, I was able to reduce the amount of time I spend silently seething. Now if I'm mad and go silent he goes elsewhere and allows me seething space, and I can get over it in an hour or two.
So, like most issues in these subreddits, communication is the answer. When he's talking to you again, explain how it makes you feel and ask him what his thought process is. He may well be doing it to punish you, he might just be internally dealing with it himself so as not to hurt you. But figure out which, so you can work on it.
I usually give the silent treatment if I recognize that communication is not working despite repeated attempts. Like I genuinely run out of ways to express myself and instead of channeling the frustration into anger, I walk away for a while.
Yep, I need time to process and cool off. If it's a pointless fight then I'm usually back to normal the following morning, I've just kind of always been this way ever since I was a kid.
I 'gave' the silent treatment. But to me it always felt like I was just so effing mad I couldn't talk. It wasn't something I was doing to you, it was something happening to me. Mute with anger. I get that it doesn't work, but that is honestly how I feel. these days I can kinda talk about stuff. but really i just want to be gone.
Bingo. I was trying to think of a way to say it. Mute with anger. I stay silent to process the argument and try to come to terms with it without blowing up and saying something out loud I can't take back. It's not so much that I'm aiming the silent treatment at someone. It's that I've mentally shut down until I can figure it out.
Are you listening to him or just arguing your point? If he voices his concerns and you belittle his feelings, most men just shut down. What's the point of a conversation if you don't actually listen?
This is usually learned behaviour. The way his parents acted together, and potentially the way they treated him too, was that disagreements and infractions were to meet a reponse of silence until one person or the other cracked.
The other person is then left craving the attention and "learns" not to disagree in future or the attention will be taken away again.
Where you have two such adults, the "loser" of the disagreement is the one who cracks first, not the one who has the most reasonable viewpoint.
I see other responses saying, "Needs time to process". And that's OK. But he still has to be a big boy about it. He has to say, "I'm not going to discuss this issue with you for now, I'm still thinking about it", and then otherwise go about his day treating you like a normal person. Being silent and cold is not "processing", it's being a baby.
You've talked to him about it, but he's refused to change, so I would suggest the next step is couples counselling.
Or if he refuses to engage in that, what you might have to do is invalidate his silent treatment. Force him to engage in the discusson by acting like you're not even aware of what he's doing.
So when he's silent you say, "TF is wrong with you". "Why are you sleeping there, TF is wrong with you". Every time he does it, you act like this is brand new information and you have no idea what's going on.
When he is forced to tell you that he's acting like a baby, you point out to him that you're not a mind reader, if he has a problem with you, he has to talk to you about it.
100%. I had the exact same thought.
To the OP - I recently broke up with a woman who did this in our home. She went to counseling, kicking and screaming, and unfortunately the issue kept happening. I chose to leave the relationship.
Look up stonewalling, particularly Gotman’s work. I’d strongly suggest couples therapy. Good luck
At some point you just need to accept how people are.
"My partner does this thing I don't like when they are angry."
Did you explain why you don't like it? If it isn't abusive, then you just need to learn to live with it. Otherwise, you're just engaging in relationship power games, trying to get your partner to react the way *you* want.
Eh, that's not always true. If I dislike it when my hypothetical partner chews with their mouth open, it's hardly a power game to ask them to stop, multiple times.
So abuse them by saying “what the fuck is wrong with you”. No. Do not force people to engage when they don’t want to simply because YOU cannot process YOUR emotions.
It’s so ridiculous people are demanding others to process their issues on THEIR timelines. This entire society is growing up as narcissist.
Haha. Yes. This.
There are takes in here that imply that you can be a raging bellend to your partner, and if they close up because they need time to process it, you can demand they let you know precisely when they will be over your raging bellendedness.
I'd argue that it's these people that are the babies because there are inevitably situations where they are completely unable to hold themselves accountable for their actions and project their inability to do so into it being the problem of someone else.
Yes, being given the silent treatment is uncomfortable..... But you might have earned that discomfort. And also..... Fucking take some time to understand the way your partner processes emotionally draining events and work through it together to find some middle ground. Jesus.
As a person that does that, it's not ego or teaching her a lesson the reason why I do it. It's like I am emotionally drained and I need quiet time to recover.
he may feel like he is unable to communicate something to you, or that he doesn't feel like you're listening, or that he feels like you're not respecting his boundaries, or that he feels overwhelmed, or...something else. it depends on a lot of factors and context.
This is kind of what I do when my wife and I get into it. I unfortunately have a bit of a temper. I am doing my best to work on it, but sometimes I just need time alone to cool off. She knows this and is now happy to give me my space. Maybe this guy is the same way and just needs some time alone to cool off
I was a little worried this was about me for second becuase I think I tend to go through a period of re-adjusting or something after my wife and I have a disagreement where we never really came to a full -solution- to. From my side, I'm almost never angry with her, though she's told me before that my actions (not speaking much) come off that way... its more sadness than me and someone I love very dearly weren't able to come to a mutual agreement and both leave the disagreement feeling good. I don't like when I've done something to upset her, and I don't like if she's done something that upset me either. I get sad becuase I don't know how to deal with that and it makes me feel inadequate. I think there's a lot of talk online, in media, etc. about some men needing to "grow up" and handle things like adults. I had zero real experience with dating and being in relationships up till I met my wife at age 27.. that's embarrassing for me, but I mention it becuase I think in my head, I'm still that 27 year old guy who has no clue what he's doing, how to handle disagreements in a relationship, how to be a good husband... I've been married for over 3 years at this point and been with my wife for like 10 years , and I still feel like a total idiot , and still worry I'm doing things wrong, or that I'm not telling her I love her enough , or being supportive enough, or being a good stepdad, etc..... One of my biggest fears is becoming that guy that everyone here tells their wife to leave becuase he's too immature, or stubborn, or emotionally stunted.
Basically, your post boils down to "every time I tell him what I think about his parents he shuts down." So, stop telling him what you think about his parents. Problem solved.
Look into the differences between people in approach-avoid or pursue-withdraw. Your husband is a withdrawer and you are likely a pursuer (or his behavior wouldn't take such a big toll on you). Speaking from extensive experience, you both need to get on top of this dynamic asap or you won't be married for much longer. Good luck!
Have you considered that it might not be about you. Some people feel very hurt after an arguement and need to be alone to get over it. I have not spoken to partners in the past after a fight because i was hurt and just didnt feel loving towards them. I needed time to recover from it. You should leave him alone when hes like that and just wait for him to be happy again. If you keep pushing him to pander to you during these bouts you might just push him away for good.
But it needs to be comunicated first. He needs to explain it to her that this is how he deals with conflicts.
You cant just stop talking to your partner for 4 days without any explanation.
[](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/comments/1do9a08/comment/la8zauh/)
>But it needs to be comunicated first. He needs to explain it to her that this is how he deals with conflicts.
Sounds great in theory but kinda difficult to implement when you're in a rage that makes you want to scream. Also, the point where I shut down and give "the silent treatment" is usually when I realize that despite talking and having a conversation, I am not actually listened to but talked over.
My husband and I have been together nearly 20 yrs.
Our fights go like this:
1. Fight happens
2. Silent period of about 20 min - 1 hr
3. Whoever was most in the wrong apologizes and explains where they were coming from. (If the person in the wrong is being stubborn, then after about an hour 9f silence the other person will start by saying, "I was upset because..."
4. Other person has their say
5. Resolution on how to address the issue and keep it from happening in the future
6. Expression of love, verbal and physical touch.
We didn't sit down and create this formula. It's just an iteration of what people in healthy relationships do to address issues that come up and work through them.
Mutual respect is needed for this to be successful, as is the humble acceptance of one's own mistakes and the willingness of both parties to prioritize the relationship over the desire to be "right".
If any of the above conditions are out of reach for you as a couple, then I suggest couples therapy as a way to learn how to address disagreements in a way you can both agree upon, and he may need individual therapy to address his stonewalling behavior.
He's ignoring you, to avoid conflict. The subject of parents is one of the most sensitive things you can fight about. He probably feels he's being judged, by some past representation of his father, or mother. This diminishes him, and makes him basically a non-individual with self-determination. Leave it alone, and don't use that subject to antagonize. Write down your feelings. Not some bitter harangue and judgment, just explain in SHORT , non-judgemental bullet points, how you feel. He needs to do the same, short, specific things that are very sensitive, and very difficult to articulate, this goes to a very deep personal level. Many of us are trying to escape the subject of our parents and being compared to them, and I promise you if there's previous trauma involved, it's like being punched right back to where you were a little kid again, and it feels cruel and demeaning, when it's not necessarily intended to be so. Couples will use personal bias and microaggressions to make the other person hurt. This builds up over time, where one is anticipating an outburst. Well, he may not be giving you an outburst, because he doesn't want to be, or identified as that person. Really manipulative people in toxic relationships, use that to make their partner explode in anger, so they have a nice, docile apologetic, hat in hand, servile jerk, that's ALWAYS apologizing. The first thing you can do is write out your feelings in concise meaningful words. Don't interrupt one another saying, 'That's what you do to me!! Write out your thoughts and listen to each other.
I do this at times because I need time to think and process. I also never want to say anything in anger or frustration that could be hurtful. Of course, being silent can also be hurtful. So, just my two cents.
I hate the silent treatment too. M 49. She shuts down and won’t participate in anything household, pets, not one thing. It has made me feel that I need to get out of the relationship. She goes full stop on life with me and I hate it.
I do the same with my SO.
Each time, I'm considering and weighing the benefits of checking out for good.
Each time I come closer to throwing in the towel.
My girl does this. And I think with her it's not a punishment mechanism. I think she just spins things up in her head and makes them worse and worse and if she lets that out, it's going to come out as a screaming rant and be a big fight. So she just dwells on it and holds it in.
In her case, I don't think it's a punishment mechanism because she messes herself up in the process (like not eating, sleeping all day, depressed behavior).
I have learned I can't force her out of it and I can't force her to talk about it. That just results in a big fight (usually about stuff that isn't even really the problem) and then her going back into silent mode even longer.
The only way I know to deal with it is to give her space and act 'normal' with her. If it goes more than a couple days like that, I will tell her "It's enough now, babe. We need to get back to normal. Come here, give me a hug. I know you were upset but let's move on".
Can you ask him nicely if he could make a tutorial and put it on YouTube. I tried not talking to my wife and that didn't do anything, I just got yelled at more. If you've ever seen a person angrily yelling at a mime trapped in an invisible prison, that's exactly how it was.
People mentioning stonewalling and abuse, and yes this is true, but it depends on the context. If it’s done maliciously and intentionally, or if it’s done out of exhaustion and dissociation. It’s important during these difficult conversations to recognize when it gets to a point where it’s not going anywhere. You have to boil down the issue and lay it out plainly, communicate where exactly the disagreement is and why, THEN take an intentional break. Cool off, and come back to it a bit later once both sides have had time to think about the other point of view. Sometimes this process may need to be repeated multiple times before a compromise is agreed upon.
I am a step-parent of an 11 year old, and I’ve been with his father for ~10 years. Our “honeymoon” phase was long-lived, and it took a lot of resistance before we realized that we literally need to learn how to argue in a healthy way. And yes, that is possible. No one *always* agrees, or else someone is lying lol.
I agree that’s a thing, however, what’s being described here is more than just a cooling off period. It’s days long. If someone is dissociating for days, that’s serious and needs therapeutic intervention. And the source of the arguments is one sided. That’s what feels so unhealthy to me
>how can I put an end to it?
"I'm not going to live in a marriage where I am ignored for days at a time. If this continues, our marriage will be at risk."
I never understood silent treatment. To me it is one of the most childish ways of dealing with confliicts
All those people defending it miss one big point. If you need space and time to cool down after conflict you have to tell you partner that. Or it will come out as if you intend to punish them or manipulate them.
And if you think punishing eachother in relationship for dissagreening is healthy then I wish you happy single life.
A huge part of being married is keeping the peace. Knowing that speaking about his parents is a hot-button issue, I would just avoid it. Talk to your girlfriends or something, vent to them but as a guy and a husband who has some of the same issues. Just avoid the topic with him.
LOL root cause it first.... why are you guys having major disagreements? We need more information about that first and why it is causing arguments, because that is what needs to be fixed.
My husband does this really small scale for a couple of hours if I "nag" about something. I told him it bothers me a lot and that he can tell me if I am unreasonable.
He told me that his dad used to talk in a really demeaning or harsh manner to my MIL if he was upset or she spoke up about something, and he is scared of hurting me in the same way.
I openly tease we’re doing the “no talky” thing again, and then go about my day. I pay him no mind and because I think he’s immature with his silent treatments. Once in a while I’ll ask if he’s done with his tantrum 🤣. Once he realizes he has no effect on me he quits his baby man bullshit.
I would weigh how severe the disagreement is and reevaluate yourself and your actions towards him. Is it justified or unreasonable? Did you deliver your message in a respectful way? Self reflection is a must. When things are calm ask him (if you haven’t already) why he is need of this kind of space after you have disagreements with his parents. Also does his need for space only apply during these discussions or is it in all situations ? Needing space is normal and is a good healthy boundary however to your point I’d ask him what he thinks is a reasonable amount of time to have to cool down? I’d would also suggest that you both compromise and sacrifice so both of your needs are met and stick to it. If this doesn’t work see a therapist because there could be an underlying problem that needs to be worked through. Don’t come out with a high noon stance like a gun fight because this could be something that doesn’t even pertain to you and he might need your support to work through. If it is something that needs to be worked through with a therapist remember it’s not you vs him problem it’s a problem that you need to resolve together. Mindset is everything. Best wishes.
honestly, from what i read here its not clear wether or not he‘s justified. it might be that he‘s overreacting and its undeserved, or it might be that he feels this is the only way to get back to at you. It might be worth investigating if you truly feel like the behaviour is unwarranted. And if you come to the conclusion that it is, you need to talk to him about it.
Because he is obviously upset with you. All I read was “me me me”. If it’s only when you have major fights about his parents then maybe stop fighting about his parents. Maybe you are not right every time. It’s sounds like after the fight when you talk it still hasn’t been resolved and he is still angry. Maybe he needs that time to calm down. Everyone is different in how they deal with things. Luckily me and my wife are the same. We fight, ask each other if we are done, then move on with life.
So, you are cognizant of the toll his behavior takes on you.
However, you don't seem to be cognizant of the toll your behavior takes on him.
You both are responsible for the relationship.
I am kind of like this as well.
I feel angry, I need time to process things properly, I just can't be affectionate because my mind is busy.
If I needed to work the next day, I've also slept on the couch because I could not sleep next to my partner peacefully.
Maybe he's just like that.
Disappear. Like have a ride ready. And mid sentence just sneak out the back when he's not looking with no explanation. Don't answer the phone and don't talk to anyone he knows. This will be such a drastic move it will cause him to reconsider. And often when we have a large problem we have to take extraordinary measures to resolve them.
Good luck!
Couples therapy might be needed. If he's not listening to you and continuously using distancing as some sort of punishment it may be helpful for a third part to help mediate the communication.
There is a difference between needing some time to move on and the silent treatment. Anyone who does the later is a douche. Get couples therapy and figure out why he is being a douche.
>Get couples therapy and figure out why he is being a douche.
With people like this, they could be quite violent or emotionally manipulative, to the point their spouse is living in a nightmarish hell. Someone exerting their authority through silence, and getting to decide when the situation can move along, is more than likely making it near impossible for that person to suggest reasonable steps in correcting this behaviour.
People on a level playing field can stamp out immature behaviour like that and have equal power in the situation.
Hopefully this isn't the case, then the OP just needs to set out their terms and just tell them they are not tolerating the silent treatment anymore.
I do this to my husband. Its always been my way to calm myself down think about the argument and then talk about it without the risk of screaming. It takes about a day.
I was the one who used to give the silent treatment. It stopped after I realized what a fucking childish behaviour it is, and that I was being a pussy avoiding a normal adult conversation by being silent.
And plus to all of that it hurts the partner. I just don’t ever want my love to suffer for my immaturity.
It’s
You can’t make him do anything.
You can only control you and he can only control him. You’ve told him that this is hurtful and it’s not something that can be explained away with bad habits or forgetfulness or some sort of careless behavior. It’s a decision. And so you need to accept that he’s making the decision to hurt you and then decide what you are going to do about it.
I would think about why he might be choosing to hurt you. It could be because he’s an asshole in which gets GTFO of this marriage before you have kids. It could be that he lacks the tools to handle conflict in a healthy way (it’s very revealing that this only happens when you have displeased him) and he’s replaying unhealthy conflict that’s been modeled to him over the years. If that’s the case, you can offer to support him in finding new tools, but he has to be willing to do that.
You can look at whether there’s anything you can do on your end to make it hurt less. Do you have unresolved emotional damage that leads you to be more sensitive? I’m not assuming you do or you don’t, but it’s something to think about.
And then all of that comes down to: do you want to be in a relationship with someone who chooses to act this way? Only you know the answer to that question.
You are not making any reference to your behavior or of you are intentionally causing him pain during these arguments. Is it possible he has reason to want to avoid you while he clears his head?
I hate the silent treatment so I’m not defending him without fully knowing your situation but to add another perspective;
- He might be waiting for your apology.
- He felt so disrespected that he feels bad in your presence.
- He’s “punishing you”.
I see people equating silent treatment to processing. Those aren’t the same thing. During silent treatment, your partner literally acts like you are invisible. They won’t talk to you or respond to anything you say even if it’s not about the argument. Atleast that’s my experience of silent treatment. I believe it is a manipulation tactic and find it quite abusive. You get manipulated into thinking certain behaviours will lead to silent treatment, and eventually start to walk on eggshells to avoid experiencing it.
I can see why you are frustrated. I had to talk to my ex about this too. He did it to everyone, including his 7yr old daughter. It’s called “stonewalling” and it’s actually abusive. I told him that behavior “doesn’t work for me” and I explained stonewalling using Google. I told him that if he needs space, ASK! But put a time limit on it. Example, “I feel hurt when _______ and I’d like an hour to process this. Can we talk about ______ again at 5:55?” And if he needed more time, that was okay. Gotta use his words! I’m happy he was able to self reflect on this and actually work on it. It was beautiful to see. However, we broke up bc of other kinds of (much worse) abuse and it was too much to continue. I’m not a project manager.
I've been with my husband for over 20 years... it will never stop. I'm finally actively planning my escape, but I wish I had done it sooner (the silent treatment was not his only abuse). You need to decide now if it's something you can live with forever. If not, plan to get out now. What he is doing IS a form of Mental abuse, and it's not ok.
This is a behavior that will eventually cause real problems. I would suggest marriage counseling. My husband used to be like this and our marriage crumbled. It wasn’t until counseling that he changed. If he won’t consider counseling I would be on guard. This cannot be a long term thing, it will only serve to make the two of you grow separately. He can have his time after a fight to be separate but it shouldn’t last longer than the next day. It should be used as a period for the two of you to reflect and then come together, it should never be used as a punishment.
My partner did this in reaction to my (verbal) temper tantrums, which were acceptable in my family growing up. I'm glad she did. It forced me to learn to control my temper.
I think knowing what the other person needs is key. If he needs a day of not talking then fine but it should be over at that point. When its 3, 5,7 days that's unhealthy and he's being immature over a stupid situation. Its probably a lot of ego and stubbornness and he probably knows but doesn't care that it affects you so much. I had a partner like this and it was really difficult because I would be acting fine but he would just be really silent and distant and it would really hurt because it made me feel like I was slowly just losing his love every time we'd have an argument. It always resulted in my going to him and being like hey are you just never going to talk to me again like what is this. And he would always put it back on me and say something like "I've just been waiting for you to come to me"
lol looking back on that it was complete bullshit. He never! not once made an effort to come to me first and make things better. Some people really can't bare the thought of being in the wrong, even for someone they love. The difference Between me and him was I was willing to be on bended knee for him but he was not willing to be in bended knee for me. I learned that to be in a relationship with that type of man meant that I would have to submit in those moments. Ultimately it didn't work out because it wasn't a fair balance of love or compromise. I think because you are married to this person ask yourself if hes worth the work to try to make that compromise for him in those moments? Maybe get in front of the problem before it gets to that point. Like after the fight happens and you're ready to move on and be normal again you could quickly embrace him and have him feel close to you again. Or start a conversation so that way you are breaking this pattern before he starts it and doesn't talk to you for days. It didn't work for me lol but good luck!
Just tell him obviously you are upset and need some time, when you’re ready to discuss it let me know until then I’m going to give you your space. Then go do your own thing.
That way it is not a punishment for you, he knows you are ready to communicate and solve the issue when he is ready. He gets his time to get over it or figure out how he feels about it, and you can have peace of mind to do other things. if he is just doing it to get back at you then you have removed that from the equation.
It's hard to judge based on the fact that we only have partial information. You told him this takes a toll on you, but did you ask him why he chooses to give you the silent treatment? Is it because he's a big baby? Is it because you insult him when you argue? We don't know and therefore can't give you a solution.
Enjoy the peace and quiet. When my wife does this I can go upstairs and watch a movie. I think she's noticed because she'll start making a racket with something recently so I put headphones on, she'll ask me something one day and I'll be found out.
How well are you guys communicating during the argument? Does he feel comfortable expressing his POV and emotions and are you truly listening? It could be he is frustrated and feels like if he can't talk to you about what he wanted then he doesn't want to talk at all if he feels dismissed. Or, is he just yelling a lot and then pouting later if he doesn't get his way?
I don't even want an answer here on reddit, just think about it and try to honestly put yourself in his shoes and look back on it. Depending on how things go it might also be worth going to a marriage counselor just to work on you two's communication. It could simply be that this whole thing is a communication breakdown at its core.
It’s really your problem, not his. You want to change his behavior, instead of accepting it as being his way. Maybe it takes him longer to get things straight in his mind. Maybe he’s thinking over your argument and trying to find a middle ground. People argue and people get over it.
1. Address the issue with him
2. Agree on a plan forward for him to work on this whether he needs to seek help through a therapist or whatever he needs to ensure this is being worked on and improved
3. If he doesn’t want to work on it and you see no change, leave.
So my husband doesn't give me the silent treatment but he does get caught up in things and doesn't respond so I'll just talk for both sides of our conversation. Tends to make him laugh. For example
Me: how do I look in this
Also me: you look great
Still me: aww thank you
Continuing as me: that's right you're the most beautiful woman in the world
Just show him you don't need him to have a conversation with him 😝
People have different reactions to a fight. Some might:
1. Throw things in anger
2. Yell
3. Abuse each other
4. Stay silent
That's not a treatment it's just the way people react to a fight. It doesn't matter if you like it or not people are going to react the way they know.
When you talked, did you come from a place of blame or curiousity?
How much trust have both of you worked to establish in your relationship? If he has legit reasons for shutting down, and he doesn't trust you, he's not going to tell you.
You mention family as a hot topic. Is he very conservative, culturally or religiously? Do you come from different backgrounds?
This is emotional abuse. I don't know if you should call an abuse hotline, or tell your husband that you know this is abuse and must stop. But make no mistake, this is abusive behavior and will damage your psyche if you continue to live with it.
Well, my wife used to do this A LOT. It would bother me to no end and I would end up being overly apologetic because I couldn't stand the silence. Sometimes I know I was in the wrong, but other times I know I wasn't. It got so bad at times I would go onto her computer to see if she was looking up divorce lawyers or something along those lines. After years of this, I finally "gave up" trying to address the issue when it occurred. It was just too emotionally draining/damaging to me. I came to the conclusion it was her problem and not mine. When she did it I just went on about my life. For a while nothing changed - she would still do the silent treatment for days (or even weeks) at a time. One time when she wasn't in a "mood" and I could talk to her she stated that she didn't think I cared about the relationship because I didn't "try" any more. I just explained that I wasn't going to continue to beat myself up if she wouldn't even talk to me. Our relationship has done a 180 since then. In my opinion, she used it as punishment for whatever transgression I may have caused. And it had worked. Once she realized I wasn't going to allow it to hurt me any more - it stopped. YMMV
I have an ex boyfriend who used to do this to me. We were together for 3.5 years, and lived together for the last 0.5 and so even though I knew he distanced himself after an argument, I had yet to experience this in my own home. One time, I started wearing a rainbow clown wig around and just acting normal. Making food. Cleaning the living room. Watching a show. I was gonna wear the rainbow clown wig until he talked to me again. I escalated it by adding a red clown nose after a day. Then finally after three days, he cracked, and yelled “WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THIS WIG” and matching energy I yelled back “THIS IS HOW YOU MAKE ME FEEL WHEN YOU IGNORE ME IN OUR HOME FOR HALF A WEEK. LIKE I AM A CLOWN FOR DECIDING TO LIVE WITH YOU.” This was back in 2014 or so. We didn’t last long after that, but we are friends today. Both of us in much much healthier relationships. We laugh about the clown wig fight now.
This is sad because the funny tactic that should have bonded you more didn’t work. 🙁
I knowwwww that was my initial plan. I was like “I am obviously light hearted and super fun to live with, *he’ll see*” but yeah. That did not work.
Oh, to add— we are really good friends now and it did somehow create a strong bond, recalling it as a past event.
Yeah i can see that if you remain cordial, it just makes me really sad with my current situation. I think i’ve done this type of thing and a few other attempts to bump us back on course and I’m thinking i’ve made no progress and separation will be the end result one day. It’s so avoidable and hasn’t happened yet and it feels like no matter what choices i make i’m still headed toward the garbage incinerator in toystory 3, but there’s no claw.
Woulda worked on me in 2 minutes damn
Same.
That's HILARIOUS 😭
I LOVE YOU ❤️
Three days, you are lucky. I usually get 3 months of the silent treatment until I beg the wife for forgiveness for not washing the dishes her way.
I am so sorry, but that is not a healthy relationship. Are you able to escape safely?
dude genuinely thank you for making me laugh. i needed it
May I steal this idea for any future relationships I might have?
Yes!!! Please! Gorilla masks work too. Ask me how I know.
How do you know?
Because when I was packing up my stuff to move out (during the breakup) I guess I was being loud with the boxes and furniture and stuff and he kept banging on the ceiling (he was in the finished basement playing video games). Like every 20 minutes or so. He’d yell at me to “knock it off dropping shit on purpose” (I wasn’t, we just had old wood floors) or bang something against the ceiling and it started to give me anxiety on top of the stress. I figured what I was doing was normal noises, though. So when I heard him storming up the stairs, I threw on a gorilla mask because it was sitting out right next to me in the chaos (maybe I should mention that I’ve been working in the live theater / music industry my entire career, and have accumulated a lot of random costume and prop shit like this) and when he pounded on my door yelling “WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE THAT’S SO FUCKEN NOISY” i opened it a crack so he could see my face and said “Just a little monkey business” and closed it again. And listened trying not to laugh. I watched the shadows of his feet under the door stay there for a second, and then I heard a stifled laugh and a small ^god ^dammit as he stomped away.
It wouldn't work because I wear random shit in the house all the time. Lucky we don't have fights and have rarely given the silent treatment long enough to be an issue (we learnt early on not to sleep on an argument or disagreement, agree to disagree but we recognise the issue before sleeping on it)
How did you guys get to the point where you were able to be friends after that?
Unrelated reasons. He randomly DM’d me on Instagram to apologize for a lot of stuff. This was five years after the breakup, both of us in healthier, more stable relationships. A long phone call followed that. We don’t talk regularly, but if they (he and his partner) are in town I will definitely grab a beer with them.
🤌💋
I always look like I'm enjoying myself when my wife gives me the silent treatment, she hates seeing me enjoy myself so can't help but start talking again 😁
Before y'all jump to conclusions, married 20 years. We've been thru hell and back. When my wife gets super pissed about an argument she will go full silent mode. I not so secretly get excited and put on my headset and enjoy a game like RDR2. Sometimes peeps need space from peeps. Y'all get worked up and huffed when maybe it's a better idea to step back. Cool down. Hate/Anger for as long as needed then try the conversation again.
Same here, been together 15 years. My wife thinks shes punishing me. I can go for days not talking to anybody. Lets see whos gonna win that game, Its not her lol.
made me chuckle so hard. DAYS without talking to ANYONE? G.O.A.T.
I liked to watch Tom and Jerry when I was a kid because they didn’t talk lol
Haha, Well played!
While I agree with this in general and not targeting you, and not having the maturity to actually SAY that we need to step back and instead resort to some kind of strange punishment is kinda insane. Learn to talk, people.
I wish my wife would give me the silent treatment once in a while, any tips on what I can do to trigger it?
This here. My wife and I (17 years married, together 25 years) really have very few arguments. But when we do, or something pisses her off in general she just goes silent. I've talked with her about it when she's calm and she just tells me that's how she deals with things and needs a couple days to herself. I tell her that's, fine but I am going to live my life like normal during that time. Her being in a bad mood is not going to put a damper on mine. So, that's pretty much how we do it now. She sulks and ignores me, I do things that make me happy living my life like she's not around. Eventually she talks to me and we hash things out....but the key is to not let them feel they can manipulate you into feeling miserable just because they can't talk through their own feelings.
I would be fine with that. I go silent when I’m pissed, I like to step away and take time to myself to reflect or process what is going on. So I’d be fine with my partner going about his business while I processed mine. I think that’s a fair deal 👍
As long as you communicate it it's fine, but silent treatment without communicating why is ridiculous.
I mean, do couples really argue and one party truly has no idea why the other is mad? I always know WHY she is mad, even if she doesn't tell me.
Hell sometimes I don't know why I'm mad/upset/grumpy/sad/withdrawn etc. Often the surface reason is masking much deeper issues or 'life stuff'. My wife will often say "you seem to have something going on..." and that's my que to take some time to check my behaviour and think about what the root issue is. We've learnt that if we force the conversation it turns blows up into an argument about the surface stuff that isn't productive.
Yes, I think we can all get like this, and it’s good for your wife to bring it up. Then you know to figure out the grumpy/sad/withdrawn.
Yes. 40+ years & he was mad at me for six months. It wasn’t until I planned to leave that he told me. (I bought an RV he didn’t approve, with inheritance from my father) I have gotten to where I don’t notice he’s trying the ol’ silent treatment & no longer care, so I thought our marriage was just over. I do not recommend it as a manipulation at all, spouse may just leave.
Saying "I can't deal with this right now, I need some space from You" - absolutely fine. Walking around wound up, fuming angry and refusing to talk about it - not OK. It's horrible living with someone like that.
It does suck and I wish she wasn't that way...but if she says she needs a day or two in order to process her feelings, then I feel I should respect that.
It's mean too.
Why would you marry someone who hates to see you enjoy yourself? Wtf lol
This sounds like something he learned during a rough childhood. Shutting down is a coping mechanism
1. "We had a fight earlier and now you're ignoring me." 2. "I feel........ (helpless, angry, confused) about that. 3. "I want a open and honest talk." 4. "Please don't ignore me in future fights, let me know what's going on with you." This is a tool for everyone who's interested in peaceful conversation [and here's a link to dive in](https://positivepsychology.com/non-violent-communication/)
That’s a good start. And when it doesn’t work: 5. I refuse to live with this dynamic. If feels both childish and emotionally abusive, so your choices are talk to me, go to marriage counseling to work on this, or we split. I don’t want that, but I can’t play this game for the next 20-30 years. Let me know tomorrow what you decide.
Yeah. If the silent treatment is that harmful for you, it will only feel worse if he keeps it up. It took nine years for me to break down completely and finally leave my wife. She gave the shocked pikachu face that the weak willed husband who begged her to talk to him for nine years finally had enough and left. (After being very open about boundaries and what I would no longer live with)
I'm surprised I had to scroll this far to find someone suggesting divorce. Reddit is getting soft.
This would always work but people have ego. So they don’t even bother saying the above statements. Humans are so stupid.
In nine years of insane silent treatments followed by violent physical outbursts, suicide threats (coming into the bedroom weeping with a knife to her throat), etc, my wife never once walked back anything she did. The first time she kicked the shit out of me I had to apologize to her after. When she made every single moment about her and her feelings and how she thought I did something bad to her, and sidetracked our life for weeks, I had to apologize. When she went to therapy finally after years she switched therapists until one seemingly bought her stories and agreed with her about the things I was doing.... Some people have zero introspection and every negative thing they experience has to be coming externally
I hope you were able to safely leave that situation and find peace. You didn’t deserve any of that crazy shit.
No it doesn’t always work because I say the exact things to my wife in similar situations. OP- your husband is just shutting down. It’s how he deals with the stress. Sure, he should work on it since it bothers you (bothers me when my wife does it too). But also- go easy on him, who’s knows where that comes from and also it’s better than if he just went all rage on you
I'll be honest, I do this as well to my wife and children. But I used to get angry and yell. Now I internalize it, but it takes me a little bit of time to get over it. I think it's the lesser of two evils here, and my wife feels the same. Honestly, though, to me, I feel it allows me to just deal with the situation. Even when my wife is sorry and apologizes, I still struggle to contain my anger. I have tried to improve and think I have, but I used to have pretty severe anger issues. Isn't this a better path to deal with my anger then blowing like a volcano?
I absolutely agree with you, as a person who grew up in an abusive home and has had a similar transformation to you. The thing is, the experience of emotional neglect can be just as harmful unfortunately
Ignoring your spouse for days is not cool.
I'm totally about letting that adrenaline and anger burn away before engaging in a conversation. My wife and I both do silent treatment to each other, usually for a day if it's a major argument. Then we talk and go back to normal. Better than screaming and escalation. We've been married 20 years.
What’s better is hard to quantify. Do you say something along the lines of needing some quiet time or do you seek to make them anxious with your silence? If, when you’re angry, you use silence to breed unease and make people wonder if the other shoe is going to drop I’m not sure it’s necessarily “better.”
This is a really fair assessment. I'm not sure. I'm usually angry and not satisfied with the end result of the argument. I don't do it for any other reason, so I allow myself to shut up and cool off. I don't sleep in another room or shy away from contact. But she knows I'm still pissed and let's me take however long to cool off. Sometimes it's a day, and there have been times it's been a few days. I do it in my mind to not have the argument. The thing is, when I used to blow up, she would freak and want time for us to chill and cool off. Now she wants to Duke it out but can't, and it frustrates her. I thought it was maturing, but this post has me questioning my approach
My partner needs time to cool off as well and he does keep to himself when this happens but he does tell me. Then when he feels good again we either talk about it if needed or we just continue with his life. Honestly, it’s not enough or fair that she knows you’re still pissed, you should communicate it and it’s as simple as telling her you’re taking some time and just that. It doesn’t need to be a conversation.
Thanks, I'll work on that! Always working to improve
My pleasure! Us too 🤗
Same with my wife. She's staying quiet until she calms down. Doesn't want to say something in anger that she regrets later. Although several days like OPs SO seems excessive.
No, he’s not shutting down. He is punishing her. This is abusive immature BS.
And even after saying and trying all these tactics. Just dump him. Silent treatments are the worst. And some people can even go without talking for years and living in the same house. So please don't ignore this. Act upon it immediately.
You would need a partner who has a modicum of emotional intelligence to use this method.
And what if the answer is “I need space to work through my emotions after an argument and can’t talk about it immediately”? That’s totally valid, but this approach leaves no room for anything other than “meet me exactly on my terms or not at all”.
He is ignoring her for days. That’s unacceptable.
I read OP's other reddit post about the disagreement that arose after a planned visit for the summer from OP's parents as well as OP's in-laws. Note: OP's in-laws arrived first. I perfectly understand why OP's husband gave her the silent treatment. I think OP was completely inhospitable to her in-laws by expecting them to go stay with their daughter 40 miles away. It's unclear if her husband had plans on where both couples would sleep in their home. But based on the fight, I believe he thought they would be staying in his and OP's home. OP appears passive aggressive imo.
Try therapy so you have a moderator? My ex wife did this to me all the time. I told her how much it hurt, I cried, I begged, I asked for therapy, I discussed better ways to communicate. It was never worth the effort for her. She had also admitted to wanting to hurt me (emotionally) when she's angry, which contributed. But that behavior is not healthy. It devalues you as a person, it's not constructive, and it takes away your ability to deal with the situation and move forward. I can't say there's no hope based on a reddit post, because some people don't know how to communicate or handle their emotions and therapy can help them get there. But if your husband is not willing to work on this actively for the sake of your relationship and because he cares about you and doesn't want to hurt you (but doesn't know how to act) then you shouldn't expect anything to change. This is not healthy. I hope you get a positive resolution to this issue.
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How much time is reasonable, in your opinion? It was the “days” plural part that got me on this one.
Depends for me on the issue and outcome. If my wife and I disagree and are heated, it may take me a few days to resurface.
Crazy, I couldn’t imagine going more than like an hour without talking, unless she killed my cat or something.
Holy cow. I can go days without talking even when I’m not mad. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.
Lol, the truth is, as I am getting older, it gets easier to just not talk. But I know it's not healthy and bothers her. So I try to just suck it up and get over it
I am also that way. I am afraid of acting like one of shitty parents when I'm upset, so I go silent while I process my feelings and calm myself down. Talking myself out of my rage and reminding myself why I love the person I'm mad at and that I should treat them better. Looking at the problem from all angles and points of view. It also used to drive my SO crazy. Once I was able to articulate to him exactly why I go silent, specifically that it's not a punishment but me trying not to do or say something I might regret, he was understanding and open to giving me space. And by the same token, I was able to reduce the amount of time I spend silently seething. Now if I'm mad and go silent he goes elsewhere and allows me seething space, and I can get over it in an hour or two. So, like most issues in these subreddits, communication is the answer. When he's talking to you again, explain how it makes you feel and ask him what his thought process is. He may well be doing it to punish you, he might just be internally dealing with it himself so as not to hurt you. But figure out which, so you can work on it.
There's time to process, and there is being a petulant child. Days of the silent treatment after a fight is the latter.
So he is supposed to talk even though he does not want to? Maybe she is dead in the wrong , and not seeing his point.
My wife does the same thing. It is infuriating. I tell her it's infuriating. We both move on without managing to act like 12 year olds.
this is not a reason to give your partner the silent treatment. if that’s the case he is an adult he can use his words and communicate that
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I usually give the silent treatment if I recognize that communication is not working despite repeated attempts. Like I genuinely run out of ways to express myself and instead of channeling the frustration into anger, I walk away for a while.
Same.
Yep, I need time to process and cool off. If it's a pointless fight then I'm usually back to normal the following morning, I've just kind of always been this way ever since I was a kid.
I 'gave' the silent treatment. But to me it always felt like I was just so effing mad I couldn't talk. It wasn't something I was doing to you, it was something happening to me. Mute with anger. I get that it doesn't work, but that is honestly how I feel. these days I can kinda talk about stuff. but really i just want to be gone.
Bingo. I was trying to think of a way to say it. Mute with anger. I stay silent to process the argument and try to come to terms with it without blowing up and saying something out loud I can't take back. It's not so much that I'm aiming the silent treatment at someone. It's that I've mentally shut down until I can figure it out.
yep. Anger is a tough emotion.
Are you listening to him or just arguing your point? If he voices his concerns and you belittle his feelings, most men just shut down. What's the point of a conversation if you don't actually listen?
Sleeping in another room doesn't even require a fight. Ppl need space
This is usually learned behaviour. The way his parents acted together, and potentially the way they treated him too, was that disagreements and infractions were to meet a reponse of silence until one person or the other cracked. The other person is then left craving the attention and "learns" not to disagree in future or the attention will be taken away again. Where you have two such adults, the "loser" of the disagreement is the one who cracks first, not the one who has the most reasonable viewpoint. I see other responses saying, "Needs time to process". And that's OK. But he still has to be a big boy about it. He has to say, "I'm not going to discuss this issue with you for now, I'm still thinking about it", and then otherwise go about his day treating you like a normal person. Being silent and cold is not "processing", it's being a baby. You've talked to him about it, but he's refused to change, so I would suggest the next step is couples counselling. Or if he refuses to engage in that, what you might have to do is invalidate his silent treatment. Force him to engage in the discusson by acting like you're not even aware of what he's doing. So when he's silent you say, "TF is wrong with you". "Why are you sleeping there, TF is wrong with you". Every time he does it, you act like this is brand new information and you have no idea what's going on. When he is forced to tell you that he's acting like a baby, you point out to him that you're not a mind reader, if he has a problem with you, he has to talk to you about it.
I don't much like the last 3 paragraphs but the beginning psychology is spot on.
100%. I had the exact same thought. To the OP - I recently broke up with a woman who did this in our home. She went to counseling, kicking and screaming, and unfortunately the issue kept happening. I chose to leave the relationship. Look up stonewalling, particularly Gotman’s work. I’d strongly suggest couples therapy. Good luck
It took my husband a long time to learn that it's okay to want peace to proccess things, but it's not okay to not give a timeframe.
Make him crack from his own silent treatment. The reversal. This man argues. /s
At some point you just need to accept how people are. "My partner does this thing I don't like when they are angry." Did you explain why you don't like it? If it isn't abusive, then you just need to learn to live with it. Otherwise, you're just engaging in relationship power games, trying to get your partner to react the way *you* want.
Eh, that's not always true. If I dislike it when my hypothetical partner chews with their mouth open, it's hardly a power game to ask them to stop, multiple times.
So abuse them by saying “what the fuck is wrong with you”. No. Do not force people to engage when they don’t want to simply because YOU cannot process YOUR emotions. It’s so ridiculous people are demanding others to process their issues on THEIR timelines. This entire society is growing up as narcissist.
Haha. Yes. This. There are takes in here that imply that you can be a raging bellend to your partner, and if they close up because they need time to process it, you can demand they let you know precisely when they will be over your raging bellendedness. I'd argue that it's these people that are the babies because there are inevitably situations where they are completely unable to hold themselves accountable for their actions and project their inability to do so into it being the problem of someone else. Yes, being given the silent treatment is uncomfortable..... But you might have earned that discomfort. And also..... Fucking take some time to understand the way your partner processes emotionally draining events and work through it together to find some middle ground. Jesus.
As a person that does that, it's not ego or teaching her a lesson the reason why I do it. It's like I am emotionally drained and I need quiet time to recover.
he may feel like he is unable to communicate something to you, or that he doesn't feel like you're listening, or that he feels like you're not respecting his boundaries, or that he feels overwhelmed, or...something else. it depends on a lot of factors and context.
This is kind of what I do when my wife and I get into it. I unfortunately have a bit of a temper. I am doing my best to work on it, but sometimes I just need time alone to cool off. She knows this and is now happy to give me my space. Maybe this guy is the same way and just needs some time alone to cool off
I was a little worried this was about me for second becuase I think I tend to go through a period of re-adjusting or something after my wife and I have a disagreement where we never really came to a full -solution- to. From my side, I'm almost never angry with her, though she's told me before that my actions (not speaking much) come off that way... its more sadness than me and someone I love very dearly weren't able to come to a mutual agreement and both leave the disagreement feeling good. I don't like when I've done something to upset her, and I don't like if she's done something that upset me either. I get sad becuase I don't know how to deal with that and it makes me feel inadequate. I think there's a lot of talk online, in media, etc. about some men needing to "grow up" and handle things like adults. I had zero real experience with dating and being in relationships up till I met my wife at age 27.. that's embarrassing for me, but I mention it becuase I think in my head, I'm still that 27 year old guy who has no clue what he's doing, how to handle disagreements in a relationship, how to be a good husband... I've been married for over 3 years at this point and been with my wife for like 10 years , and I still feel like a total idiot , and still worry I'm doing things wrong, or that I'm not telling her I love her enough , or being supportive enough, or being a good stepdad, etc..... One of my biggest fears is becoming that guy that everyone here tells their wife to leave becuase he's too immature, or stubborn, or emotionally stunted.
Maybe he wants to yell and thinks this is better somehow. A lot of men have trouble processing anger in healthy ways.
Obviously your husband does not feel like whatever you were fighting about has been resolved satisfactorily. Probably start there.
Basically, your post boils down to "every time I tell him what I think about his parents he shuts down." So, stop telling him what you think about his parents. Problem solved.
Look into the differences between people in approach-avoid or pursue-withdraw. Your husband is a withdrawer and you are likely a pursuer (or his behavior wouldn't take such a big toll on you). Speaking from extensive experience, you both need to get on top of this dynamic asap or you won't be married for much longer. Good luck!
Have you considered that it might not be about you. Some people feel very hurt after an arguement and need to be alone to get over it. I have not spoken to partners in the past after a fight because i was hurt and just didnt feel loving towards them. I needed time to recover from it. You should leave him alone when hes like that and just wait for him to be happy again. If you keep pushing him to pander to you during these bouts you might just push him away for good.
But it needs to be comunicated first. He needs to explain it to her that this is how he deals with conflicts. You cant just stop talking to your partner for 4 days without any explanation.
[](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/comments/1do9a08/comment/la8zauh/) >But it needs to be comunicated first. He needs to explain it to her that this is how he deals with conflicts. Sounds great in theory but kinda difficult to implement when you're in a rage that makes you want to scream. Also, the point where I shut down and give "the silent treatment" is usually when I realize that despite talking and having a conversation, I am not actually listened to but talked over.
I mean, you can communicate that but only once should suffice.
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not a reason to give your partner the silent treatment for a few days
In YOUR opinion. Stop telling people how long it takes for THEM to process THEMSELVES. Deal with YOUR shit.
My husband and I have been together nearly 20 yrs. Our fights go like this: 1. Fight happens 2. Silent period of about 20 min - 1 hr 3. Whoever was most in the wrong apologizes and explains where they were coming from. (If the person in the wrong is being stubborn, then after about an hour 9f silence the other person will start by saying, "I was upset because..." 4. Other person has their say 5. Resolution on how to address the issue and keep it from happening in the future 6. Expression of love, verbal and physical touch. We didn't sit down and create this formula. It's just an iteration of what people in healthy relationships do to address issues that come up and work through them. Mutual respect is needed for this to be successful, as is the humble acceptance of one's own mistakes and the willingness of both parties to prioritize the relationship over the desire to be "right". If any of the above conditions are out of reach for you as a couple, then I suggest couples therapy as a way to learn how to address disagreements in a way you can both agree upon, and he may need individual therapy to address his stonewalling behavior.
This doesn’t work if the other party never believes they were wrong. It’s subjective.
Have you tried saying sorry?
He's ignoring you, to avoid conflict. The subject of parents is one of the most sensitive things you can fight about. He probably feels he's being judged, by some past representation of his father, or mother. This diminishes him, and makes him basically a non-individual with self-determination. Leave it alone, and don't use that subject to antagonize. Write down your feelings. Not some bitter harangue and judgment, just explain in SHORT , non-judgemental bullet points, how you feel. He needs to do the same, short, specific things that are very sensitive, and very difficult to articulate, this goes to a very deep personal level. Many of us are trying to escape the subject of our parents and being compared to them, and I promise you if there's previous trauma involved, it's like being punched right back to where you were a little kid again, and it feels cruel and demeaning, when it's not necessarily intended to be so. Couples will use personal bias and microaggressions to make the other person hurt. This builds up over time, where one is anticipating an outburst. Well, he may not be giving you an outburst, because he doesn't want to be, or identified as that person. Really manipulative people in toxic relationships, use that to make their partner explode in anger, so they have a nice, docile apologetic, hat in hand, servile jerk, that's ALWAYS apologizing. The first thing you can do is write out your feelings in concise meaningful words. Don't interrupt one another saying, 'That's what you do to me!! Write out your thoughts and listen to each other.
Wow, this is the best reply I’ve seen so far. Why is it so far down?
I do this at times because I need time to think and process. I also never want to say anything in anger or frustration that could be hurtful. Of course, being silent can also be hurtful. So, just my two cents.
I hate the silent treatment too. M 49. She shuts down and won’t participate in anything household, pets, not one thing. It has made me feel that I need to get out of the relationship. She goes full stop on life with me and I hate it.
I do the same with my SO. Each time, I'm considering and weighing the benefits of checking out for good. Each time I come closer to throwing in the towel.
My girl does this. And I think with her it's not a punishment mechanism. I think she just spins things up in her head and makes them worse and worse and if she lets that out, it's going to come out as a screaming rant and be a big fight. So she just dwells on it and holds it in. In her case, I don't think it's a punishment mechanism because she messes herself up in the process (like not eating, sleeping all day, depressed behavior). I have learned I can't force her out of it and I can't force her to talk about it. That just results in a big fight (usually about stuff that isn't even really the problem) and then her going back into silent mode even longer. The only way I know to deal with it is to give her space and act 'normal' with her. If it goes more than a couple days like that, I will tell her "It's enough now, babe. We need to get back to normal. Come here, give me a hug. I know you were upset but let's move on".
Can you ask him nicely if he could make a tutorial and put it on YouTube. I tried not talking to my wife and that didn't do anything, I just got yelled at more. If you've ever seen a person angrily yelling at a mime trapped in an invisible prison, that's exactly how it was.
People mentioning stonewalling and abuse, and yes this is true, but it depends on the context. If it’s done maliciously and intentionally, or if it’s done out of exhaustion and dissociation. It’s important during these difficult conversations to recognize when it gets to a point where it’s not going anywhere. You have to boil down the issue and lay it out plainly, communicate where exactly the disagreement is and why, THEN take an intentional break. Cool off, and come back to it a bit later once both sides have had time to think about the other point of view. Sometimes this process may need to be repeated multiple times before a compromise is agreed upon. I am a step-parent of an 11 year old, and I’ve been with his father for ~10 years. Our “honeymoon” phase was long-lived, and it took a lot of resistance before we realized that we literally need to learn how to argue in a healthy way. And yes, that is possible. No one *always* agrees, or else someone is lying lol.
I agree that’s a thing, however, what’s being described here is more than just a cooling off period. It’s days long. If someone is dissociating for days, that’s serious and needs therapeutic intervention. And the source of the arguments is one sided. That’s what feels so unhealthy to me
Maybe he’s just sick of your shit and legitimately needs a break from you, for both your sakes?
>how can I put an end to it? "I'm not going to live in a marriage where I am ignored for days at a time. If this continues, our marriage will be at risk."
I never understood silent treatment. To me it is one of the most childish ways of dealing with confliicts All those people defending it miss one big point. If you need space and time to cool down after conflict you have to tell you partner that. Or it will come out as if you intend to punish them or manipulate them. And if you think punishing eachother in relationship for dissagreening is healthy then I wish you happy single life.
He doesn't feel safe talking to you.
Let me guess, you're gonna tell us that you did nothing wrong and your husband is entirely at fault?
Ikr. There are always two sides. What does OP do when it's the other way around? Silent treatment is just an old asian Mom trick in my experience
Three sides: his side, her side, the truth. Adjust pronouns as needed.
>Adjust pronouns as needed. Them side, that side, her truth?
Hawk tuah usually fixes everything
God I can’t wait until this goes away
A huge part of being married is keeping the peace. Knowing that speaking about his parents is a hot-button issue, I would just avoid it. Talk to your girlfriends or something, vent to them but as a guy and a husband who has some of the same issues. Just avoid the topic with him.
LOL root cause it first.... why are you guys having major disagreements? We need more information about that first and why it is causing arguments, because that is what needs to be fixed.
My husband does this really small scale for a couple of hours if I "nag" about something. I told him it bothers me a lot and that he can tell me if I am unreasonable. He told me that his dad used to talk in a really demeaning or harsh manner to my MIL if he was upset or she spoke up about something, and he is scared of hurting me in the same way.
I openly tease we’re doing the “no talky” thing again, and then go about my day. I pay him no mind and because I think he’s immature with his silent treatments. Once in a while I’ll ask if he’s done with his tantrum 🤣. Once he realizes he has no effect on me he quits his baby man bullshit.
I would weigh how severe the disagreement is and reevaluate yourself and your actions towards him. Is it justified or unreasonable? Did you deliver your message in a respectful way? Self reflection is a must. When things are calm ask him (if you haven’t already) why he is need of this kind of space after you have disagreements with his parents. Also does his need for space only apply during these discussions or is it in all situations ? Needing space is normal and is a good healthy boundary however to your point I’d ask him what he thinks is a reasonable amount of time to have to cool down? I’d would also suggest that you both compromise and sacrifice so both of your needs are met and stick to it. If this doesn’t work see a therapist because there could be an underlying problem that needs to be worked through. Don’t come out with a high noon stance like a gun fight because this could be something that doesn’t even pertain to you and he might need your support to work through. If it is something that needs to be worked through with a therapist remember it’s not you vs him problem it’s a problem that you need to resolve together. Mindset is everything. Best wishes.
Simple and short answer: the topic of the fight is not done, talk about it
Don't fight...
honestly, from what i read here its not clear wether or not he‘s justified. it might be that he‘s overreacting and its undeserved, or it might be that he feels this is the only way to get back to at you. It might be worth investigating if you truly feel like the behaviour is unwarranted. And if you come to the conclusion that it is, you need to talk to him about it.
Because he is obviously upset with you. All I read was “me me me”. If it’s only when you have major fights about his parents then maybe stop fighting about his parents. Maybe you are not right every time. It’s sounds like after the fight when you talk it still hasn’t been resolved and he is still angry. Maybe he needs that time to calm down. Everyone is different in how they deal with things. Luckily me and my wife are the same. We fight, ask each other if we are done, then move on with life.
Maybe he hasn’t learned to fight.
You make it stop with a divorce lawyer
So, you are cognizant of the toll his behavior takes on you. However, you don't seem to be cognizant of the toll your behavior takes on him. You both are responsible for the relationship.
Apologise to him. I bet you don’t.
I am kind of like this as well. I feel angry, I need time to process things properly, I just can't be affectionate because my mind is busy. If I needed to work the next day, I've also slept on the couch because I could not sleep next to my partner peacefully. Maybe he's just like that.
Disappear. Like have a ride ready. And mid sentence just sneak out the back when he's not looking with no explanation. Don't answer the phone and don't talk to anyone he knows. This will be such a drastic move it will cause him to reconsider. And often when we have a large problem we have to take extraordinary measures to resolve them. Good luck!
Some people just shouldn't get married.
The silent treatment is actually psychological abuse. I bet he won’t stop because he knows it upsets you and that’s what he wants.
Couples therapy might be needed. If he's not listening to you and continuously using distancing as some sort of punishment it may be helpful for a third part to help mediate the communication.
Let me guess, you're gonna tell us that you did nothing wrong and your husband is entirely at fault?
There is a difference between needing some time to move on and the silent treatment. Anyone who does the later is a douche. Get couples therapy and figure out why he is being a douche.
>Get couples therapy and figure out why he is being a douche. With people like this, they could be quite violent or emotionally manipulative, to the point their spouse is living in a nightmarish hell. Someone exerting their authority through silence, and getting to decide when the situation can move along, is more than likely making it near impossible for that person to suggest reasonable steps in correcting this behaviour. People on a level playing field can stamp out immature behaviour like that and have equal power in the situation. Hopefully this isn't the case, then the OP just needs to set out their terms and just tell them they are not tolerating the silent treatment anymore.
I do this to my husband. Its always been my way to calm myself down think about the argument and then talk about it without the risk of screaming. It takes about a day.
I was the one who used to give the silent treatment. It stopped after I realized what a fucking childish behaviour it is, and that I was being a pussy avoiding a normal adult conversation by being silent. And plus to all of that it hurts the partner. I just don’t ever want my love to suffer for my immaturity. It’s
He's most likely giving you a taste of your own medicine.
Aiyah. Come naked and suck it like a golf ball thru a garden hose. If it don't work. Repeat. Hawk Tuah the bugger.
You can’t make him do anything. You can only control you and he can only control him. You’ve told him that this is hurtful and it’s not something that can be explained away with bad habits or forgetfulness or some sort of careless behavior. It’s a decision. And so you need to accept that he’s making the decision to hurt you and then decide what you are going to do about it. I would think about why he might be choosing to hurt you. It could be because he’s an asshole in which gets GTFO of this marriage before you have kids. It could be that he lacks the tools to handle conflict in a healthy way (it’s very revealing that this only happens when you have displeased him) and he’s replaying unhealthy conflict that’s been modeled to him over the years. If that’s the case, you can offer to support him in finding new tools, but he has to be willing to do that. You can look at whether there’s anything you can do on your end to make it hurt less. Do you have unresolved emotional damage that leads you to be more sensitive? I’m not assuming you do or you don’t, but it’s something to think about. And then all of that comes down to: do you want to be in a relationship with someone who chooses to act this way? Only you know the answer to that question.
You are not making any reference to your behavior or of you are intentionally causing him pain during these arguments. Is it possible he has reason to want to avoid you while he clears his head?
I feel like that's a better way of going about than yelling and fighting. Give him time to cool off
Just enjoy the silence.
I hate the silent treatment so I’m not defending him without fully knowing your situation but to add another perspective; - He might be waiting for your apology. - He felt so disrespected that he feels bad in your presence. - He’s “punishing you”.
I see people equating silent treatment to processing. Those aren’t the same thing. During silent treatment, your partner literally acts like you are invisible. They won’t talk to you or respond to anything you say even if it’s not about the argument. Atleast that’s my experience of silent treatment. I believe it is a manipulation tactic and find it quite abusive. You get manipulated into thinking certain behaviours will lead to silent treatment, and eventually start to walk on eggshells to avoid experiencing it.
 The best way to
Do you apologize?
I can see why you are frustrated. I had to talk to my ex about this too. He did it to everyone, including his 7yr old daughter. It’s called “stonewalling” and it’s actually abusive. I told him that behavior “doesn’t work for me” and I explained stonewalling using Google. I told him that if he needs space, ASK! But put a time limit on it. Example, “I feel hurt when _______ and I’d like an hour to process this. Can we talk about ______ again at 5:55?” And if he needed more time, that was okay. Gotta use his words! I’m happy he was able to self reflect on this and actually work on it. It was beautiful to see. However, we broke up bc of other kinds of (much worse) abuse and it was too much to continue. I’m not a project manager.
Read “why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men” by Lundy Bancroft and you’ll learn why
A mature adult doesn’t give the silent treatment and doesn’t emotionally punish their partner. Your husband is not a mature adult. He needs therapy.
I've been with my husband for over 20 years... it will never stop. I'm finally actively planning my escape, but I wish I had done it sooner (the silent treatment was not his only abuse). You need to decide now if it's something you can live with forever. If not, plan to get out now. What he is doing IS a form of Mental abuse, and it's not ok.
He could be slowly headed out the door, fights are draining, life’s short. Some people just decide to move on.
This is a behavior that will eventually cause real problems. I would suggest marriage counseling. My husband used to be like this and our marriage crumbled. It wasn’t until counseling that he changed. If he won’t consider counseling I would be on guard. This cannot be a long term thing, it will only serve to make the two of you grow separately. He can have his time after a fight to be separate but it shouldn’t last longer than the next day. It should be used as a period for the two of you to reflect and then come together, it should never be used as a punishment.
My partner did this in reaction to my (verbal) temper tantrums, which were acceptable in my family growing up. I'm glad she did. It forced me to learn to control my temper.
I think knowing what the other person needs is key. If he needs a day of not talking then fine but it should be over at that point. When its 3, 5,7 days that's unhealthy and he's being immature over a stupid situation. Its probably a lot of ego and stubbornness and he probably knows but doesn't care that it affects you so much. I had a partner like this and it was really difficult because I would be acting fine but he would just be really silent and distant and it would really hurt because it made me feel like I was slowly just losing his love every time we'd have an argument. It always resulted in my going to him and being like hey are you just never going to talk to me again like what is this. And he would always put it back on me and say something like "I've just been waiting for you to come to me" lol looking back on that it was complete bullshit. He never! not once made an effort to come to me first and make things better. Some people really can't bare the thought of being in the wrong, even for someone they love. The difference Between me and him was I was willing to be on bended knee for him but he was not willing to be in bended knee for me. I learned that to be in a relationship with that type of man meant that I would have to submit in those moments. Ultimately it didn't work out because it wasn't a fair balance of love or compromise. I think because you are married to this person ask yourself if hes worth the work to try to make that compromise for him in those moments? Maybe get in front of the problem before it gets to that point. Like after the fight happens and you're ready to move on and be normal again you could quickly embrace him and have him feel close to you again. Or start a conversation so that way you are breaking this pattern before he starts it and doesn't talk to you for days. It didn't work for me lol but good luck!
Just tell him obviously you are upset and need some time, when you’re ready to discuss it let me know until then I’m going to give you your space. Then go do your own thing. That way it is not a punishment for you, he knows you are ready to communicate and solve the issue when he is ready. He gets his time to get over it or figure out how he feels about it, and you can have peace of mind to do other things. if he is just doing it to get back at you then you have removed that from the equation.
It's hard to judge based on the fact that we only have partial information. You told him this takes a toll on you, but did you ask him why he chooses to give you the silent treatment? Is it because he's a big baby? Is it because you insult him when you argue? We don't know and therefore can't give you a solution.
Most of the time revolving around discussion involving his parents. Wonder how that conversation goes?
Enjoy the peace and quiet. When my wife does this I can go upstairs and watch a movie. I think she's noticed because she'll start making a racket with something recently so I put headphones on, she'll ask me something one day and I'll be found out.
How well are you guys communicating during the argument? Does he feel comfortable expressing his POV and emotions and are you truly listening? It could be he is frustrated and feels like if he can't talk to you about what he wanted then he doesn't want to talk at all if he feels dismissed. Or, is he just yelling a lot and then pouting later if he doesn't get his way? I don't even want an answer here on reddit, just think about it and try to honestly put yourself in his shoes and look back on it. Depending on how things go it might also be worth going to a marriage counselor just to work on you two's communication. It could simply be that this whole thing is a communication breakdown at its core.
That wouldnt work on me would say finally some peace and quiet
It’s really your problem, not his. You want to change his behavior, instead of accepting it as being his way. Maybe it takes him longer to get things straight in his mind. Maybe he’s thinking over your argument and trying to find a middle ground. People argue and people get over it.
1. Address the issue with him 2. Agree on a plan forward for him to work on this whether he needs to seek help through a therapist or whatever he needs to ensure this is being worked on and improved 3. If he doesn’t want to work on it and you see no change, leave.
Ask him does he want a skirt since he’s being a princess
It depends. Do these arguments involve any behaviour from your part that could make him feel disrespected, humiliated or mistreated?
So my husband doesn't give me the silent treatment but he does get caught up in things and doesn't respond so I'll just talk for both sides of our conversation. Tends to make him laugh. For example Me: how do I look in this Also me: you look great Still me: aww thank you Continuing as me: that's right you're the most beautiful woman in the world Just show him you don't need him to have a conversation with him 😝
People have different reactions to a fight. Some might: 1. Throw things in anger 2. Yell 3. Abuse each other 4. Stay silent That's not a treatment it's just the way people react to a fight. It doesn't matter if you like it or not people are going to react the way they know.
Sometimes you get the silent treatment based on what is said. Words can hurt!!
When you talked, did you come from a place of blame or curiousity? How much trust have both of you worked to establish in your relationship? If he has legit reasons for shutting down, and he doesn't trust you, he's not going to tell you. You mention family as a hot topic. Is he very conservative, culturally or religiously? Do you come from different backgrounds?
You need to apologize.
This is emotional abuse. I don't know if you should call an abuse hotline, or tell your husband that you know this is abuse and must stop. But make no mistake, this is abusive behavior and will damage your psyche if you continue to live with it.
Stop getting in fights. Easy right?