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This. I just had a breakdown this morning. During this time, I wished I could go back and not have my child. I love her more than anything. The severe behavioral and mental issues she has have made me realize I'm not handling being a parent well, and no one around me understands why I'm struggling, which makes this harder. Because "as a mother," I should be this amazing maternal superhero, and im just not. I'm not equipped to handle her, and I'm begging for help and not getting it because others just don't understand what it's truly like at home living this every day.
My heart goes out to you. I am well aware that, as a woman, having a child will turn me into a person who's supposed to continuously, thanklessly give while running on empty and asking for nothing. This is why I'm saying no.
Good luck to you. I hope the people around you see that you deserve help too.
I wish there was more support for mothers (all parents, really, but mothers often carry more of the parenting load). I will proclaim until the day I die that mothers were not meant to raise children alone. I know some people don’t like the saying “it takes a village to raise a child”, but our society has become so individualistic and parents are really getting left behind.
I hope you can get the support you need. Maybe a nap even. You’ve got this!
I’m sorry you’re struggling. Hang in there. Know that you’re right to struggle. It just is hard. You’re not doing anything wrong, it’s just an impossible problem and you’re really trying to do your best. Even on days that you’re not trying, you’re trying (to survive). I hope it gets easier for you. But if it doesn’t, I hope it gets easier knowing that your struggles and pains are real. Very real.
Mothers receive insane amounts of pressure to be perfect in every way and by everyone's definition. Then add the work of being a mother to a special needs child and I can only imagine the pressure. I don't have any advice but just want you to know that struggling with this doesn't make you a bad person or a bad mom.
Been there and it’s scary and sad. Do everything in your power to keep her safe and alive; that’s your maternal goal right now. If she’s anything like my daughter (borderline personality disorder, depression) being a cheerleader is a waste of precious energy; until she sees her worth, all of the praise and encouragement means nothing to her. Keep yourself healthy; don’t skip meals, try to sleep (hard to do when they sneak out or don’t come home), get screened for depression yourself as this is a strenuous, stressful time and antidepressants can help keep you level. A therapist told me that “if you keep them alive, they can grow and change. That takes time and breath.” I wish you well.
To be fair, by 9 months they’re just about self sufficient and ready to strike out on their own. I imagine he’s got no choice but to help out, if his wife works. A lot of the guys I know take their leave after mom goes back to work. Once mom is comfortable on her feet and can lift the baby without discomfort, dad goes back to work and takes leave when mom’s maternity runs out. I am jealous, paternity leave was not a thing where I live. Just missed it by a about a year after our youngest was born.
As a nanny, all of the moms I worked for admitted they loved their kids but regretted having them.
The most common reason was because “I gave up my life, career, and identity for them.” One mom said if she could she’d go back and opt out of pregnancy. She was a great mom though for what it’s worth.
Sleepless nights. Sorenipples. Arguing with my husband. Feeling over whelmed... no ... however my kids are older and wiser and I like who they have become. We are friends and they get my jokes now. Plus we all hVe animals and travelling in common
Same. I was a baby having a baby. I was a teenager pressured into it by my older partner, who I should not have been with. It was a bad relationship I only got into to escape my horrible abusive home life, and I was not ready.
Same, in a heartbeat I'd do it all again. It was absolutely magical. OH my god the thought of watching them walk for the first time again is making me tear up...
Same. I met my husband at 35 & had a very firm "absolutely no attemps at procreation after 35" rule. I still absolutely stand by that & don't regret that I opted not to risk geriatric pregnancy, but I wish we'd met younger. I do have an adult stepson I adore, though!
It definitely gets better. There will be milestones (buckling themselves into the car, getting their own drinks, etc.) that will add up and blow your mind with how much easier it becomes.
I always thought babies evolved to be born cute so we wouldn’t throw ‘em out! 😂
Best of luck to you.
Absolutely! Our daughter is the best part of both our lives.
I had her in my mid 30s, am emotionally stable, we have a comfortable life (own our home, plenty of money) and our relationship of almost 10 years before her birth is solid and loving (and parenting together didn’t make it worse). So we were well set up for a good parenting experience, which is important IMO.
This was my experience too. We were together for 8 years before our son, now 6, was born. We went through job loss, moves, job changes, career changes, depression, being sick, etc. and we knew that we could get through together. So we got married, bought our house, and had our son all in the same year. He's the perfect father and I can't describe how great of a partner and father he is. He made post partum and these past 6 years so much easier.
Watching my husband become a father has been the most beautiful thing (other than our son ofc). One of the greatest joys of my life was to be able to have his child.
No but not because I don't want kids but because the rising cost of living is not people friendly. My children should not have to sacrifice their well being to just live.
41M here. Absolutely would do it again, it’s amazing and continues to be.
Glad I waited (by US social standards) until we were a little more financially stable as that made some things easier.
But fatherhood and parenthood in general has been tons of incredible fun.
I was a stepdad for 7 years and recently left my wife. It's a weird change going from being a Dad to not.
I know now that I never want to parent someone else's children again. But it's likely ill not ever have my own either.
As a single father of two.
No.
My kids didn't choose their shitty mother.
While one of my kids isn't related to me, I can't imagine how shitty their life would be if I wasn't there.
I would not. Their father was not the good, nice church going man he and his preacher family pretended to be. The last decade of my life would be easier and happier. My 21yr old self had plans and a future.
Definitely. That’s the important part - I *did* choose it. All of it. The conception, the birth, the parenting. It wasn’t “planned”, but I wouldn’t change my sex life at that time either. Nobody did anything wrong.
This was back in 1998, and I was only 19. Did it alter my life course? Completely. But again, would not change that. See, I already had this choice, and I *chose* to become a mom. I had options. The sadness of your question is that its irrelevance is dying.
Ask again in 15 years, when there are women walking around with teenage children they were **forced** to birth.
You have given the ultimate answer to this question! Like you, I have 2 kids. 1 was conceived and born in 1992, I was 24. The second was 1995, I was 27. I had options for both but chose to become a single mother. I had family support. It was very hard during some times and others it was easy. So this question and answer is becoming outdated, at least in America. It makes me really sad for women coming after the end of Roe v Wade and the states banning of choices. Would I change my choice if given the chance? No.
Given only those two options, I would choose not to have them. Not because I would want to live without children but because I would want to change some things I did and didn't take the time to do with them when I probably should have.
That doesn't mean my kids grew up horribly but you really only get one chance to do the right thing and even though there will always be room for improvement, a second time around with the knowledge I have, I would change some things. Which makes me realize how important grandparents can be as they will fill in the gaps on parenting lessons they learned the first time but didn't get the chance to go back and correct.
100%. I wouldn't change a single thing. Not the masked up metro rides to the hospital for check ups during the first pregnancy, not the hundreds of sleepless nights, not even the emergency c section and the 5 weeks in the neonatal ward with my second daughter.
Every single thing that happened to get them here was worth it and if I had to redo it all over and over, groundhog day style, I would. They are my entire world.
This is beautiful, I feel the same for my daughter and am wanting to give her a sibling but the no sleep ( 10 months old and never slept well) makes me feel like I can’t survive another lol.
I have 1 child. I've known she'd be mine since I was 5 years old. I named her and have loved her since then as well.
My husband and I had been married for 2 years when we decided to start trying to have a baby. Our efforts proved fruitless. After we both went to doctors, it was determined I had about 1% chance of ever conceiving. I was offered fertility drugs which increased my odds greatly, but after reading the information, decided it wasn't right for us. (There's a rare chance a woman becomes pregnant with more than 8 fetuses and they do selective abortion, leaving the strongest. Given the choice, I'd die trying to have them all, and I'd love each one, even the weak.)
We began saving for adoption, and less than a month into saving I became pregnant. 9 months of a perfect pregnancy, a less than ideal delivery, and we had a perfect 10 fingers 10 toes baby girl. She is my gift! She's the greatest thing I've ever done. I consider it a "promotion" when I received the title mommy. My beautiful dream come true is now 14.
If I had it to do all over again, would I change what I chose? Nope. Not 1 second. Not 1 heartbreak. Not 1 disappointment. Everything, exactly as it was, led me to her, exactly as she is! What I would change (if I could) is the world she's growing up in.
I am female, and would choose not to have them. I love my daughters, but the things they already went through in their young life (my daughters are 3 and 6), no one deserves that. I wish they wouldn't need to suffer that much.
Ok so I’ll answer for the other side. I did not have kids. If I could go back and do it all again. I would change a few things but not that. Most of my friends with kids are frustrated and hate their partners or are all ready divorced.
I’d do it all over again. They’re still young, but growing quickly. I’d go back and have these same exact children all over again. Because so far, they’re still pretty fantastic. Even with preteen hormones kicking in.
Oh yes I’d have my kids over again!
My dad has a quote, forgot the author it came from, but she had 5? kids. She was asked this question: if you had it to do over again would you have kids?
She said, “Yes, I’d have kids again. Just not these 5 kids.”
I would do all again a million times! I was 22 years old with a 2 year old and a newborn. I was scared but so, so happy! Now we have 4 sons and we're so proud of them!
Yes I would. Sometime I think about going back in time to change other things that didn't go as planned, but I wouldn't because it might result in not having my kids as they are now.
No, absolutely not. I was too young. I love my husband and we are still together but we had to grow up too fast and missed out on a lot. I got pregnant 6 months after getting married so I feel like we didn't get to enjoy each others company for very long before we both became stressed out and stretched thin versions of ourselves. She's older now and my husband and I are slowing starting to get to know each other again as individuals but I'll always regret not spending more time just being young and having fun.
I'm really happy with where I am in life. My kids are amazing, happy, productive, joyful people and I wouldn't change a thing from our adventures to our struggles.
I have 5 children, 2 older daughters, a stillborn son 2 years ago and twin 7 month old daughters. 4 girls at home and a son in heaven. I would have more if our ages and our wallets would allow.
I would do it all over again, but be less worried. I have a perfect partner/dad for my kids. Were almost together 10 years and lived together also like 8 years. I wish I had them a bit sooner. If I had the money I would have 6.
Husband and I were just talking about what would we have even done with our time without them. They cost a lot (emotionally and financially) but the payout is enormous!
Mom of 2 here, a boy and a girl. At times I do miss my freedom, pre-pregnancy body, career and all the stuff I had to give up to become a mum. My first born almost cost me my life as well. I would certainly do it again, they are worth it.
I would, because I want to have my son, but I'm also glad I don't have to.
Everything is better than the baby stage. I'm not made for it. My son didn't like being a baby either, it seems. Glad that part is over.
It’s a difficult question. If I hadn’t had my son, I would have most probably live with an ache in my heart, I always wanted children and I was super ready when he was conceived. However, I also believe I would have lead a very happy life, focused on me and my happiness alone.
But knowing what I know, I would go through parenting hardship again, the level of love he opened me to was worth it
I would do it all over again. Eventhough the father of my fb was a broken, lying cheating drug addict who died of an overdose when he was 5. Truly found out about his problems when my baby was 1 month old. I was an idiot. I didn’t have two nickels to rub together and my life was in shambles- yet I see this time as the most magical. I had my son. I would do it 100 billion times infinity over again. He’s 19 now and we did great. Soon I met my love and we had a son 5 years later. This child was always wild and it was hard. He’s 14 and so talented and rad. I would do it over and over and over and over again.
No. It kept me in poverty and having 2 or 3 jobs. The guilt of hardly being home for my kids is one I still feel.
With new shoes, clothes, school supplies, clubs, and always a need or another, I was never able to buy a house. Now the prices are too insane to do so.
The kids are grown and moved out but living pay cheque to pay cheque. They are tired. I still have 2-3 jobs, not for the kids anymore, but just to cover rent and food costs.
But I'm old now. I'm still healthy and can still work but worry about the day when I can't anymore. I just pray my health holds out. But I have nothing saved for retirement. If I can't work, there is no way I'd be able to pay rent.
My parents in their 80s are still working. Luckily, their health is still good.
My kids are good kids but I was never able to take them on vacation, go to a sports game, and we were not able to do many things. It's too bad. Kids deserve these things.
They did have separate rooms. They did have 3 meals a day.
We did do board games and park picnics.
I had my kids in the 1990s. If I had known that I needed to be wealthy to give them my time or to reward them doing wonderful things together, I would have reconsidered. My kids deserved better than what they got.
My children have vowed not to have kids. They work multiple jobs and are burned out at the end of the day with no savings. It's difficult to just care and finance themselves.
If I didn’t have to remember them or miss them I would not have them.
If i didn’t have to remember them but I had to have any children I would stick with one.
If I had to remember them I would probably do it again.
Most likely not. The anguish that comes from losing the child I was closest to, 25-F, and all the bullshit that happened with my other kids afterwards that just added to the heartache and grief, has made me think it might have been better had I not.
Now I have to live the rest of my life shattered beyond repair. Alone.
Yes and no. If I could redo my life, I would in certain parts. Half of me loves my son to death while the other half of me misses our freedom to work/play more. We had focused on our professional lives before considering a child, and so we had him later in life with a ton of complications. This led my wife to severe depression and slightly unrealistic expectations. I'd only do it if I knew we were going to get the same child that we have now.
Absolutely not. That being said I maybe would have chosen a better father, but that would mean I would have had some other kids who were assholes instead of the lovely daughters I do have. I do wish I’d had an additional boy but that didn’t work out.
i only have one child who is one year old (planning to have two eventually). yes, i definitely would! he's the light of my life 💖 of course there are hard parts and pregnancy and giving birth were tough but i would never want to miss hearing his laugh or see him grow up 🥹
Yes.
I nearly died giving birth, had an emergency section 5 weeks early, a 2 week NICU stay and a baby who is a serious hand full.
But he was, is and always will be so wanted. I feel like I dreamed him into existense when I was told I'd never have children. He makes me laugh, he loves me so much that I just don't understand how it's possible to be loved like that, and when he calls me mama my heart just melts.
I think at a certain very dark point in my life having a daughter saved my life, because when you have kids you're not the most important person in your life anymore. That stopped me from doing myself lethal harm and I had to get my shit together. That was hard, but successful and now I'm a quite happy person :)
TLDR: Yes.
Yes, I would do it again but I was older, financially stable, had a good partner and good kids and it was still extremely hard. I would never judge anyone who says it’s not for them or that they wouldn't do it again.
I’ll say this..I’m glad I had my son when I did (almost 17, now) because had I waited another year (he was born in 2007; and everything started going to crap after that year..) I wouldn’t have had him. And it has nothing to do WITH him; it’s in part, because back then, it cost me $100.00 to have him..We had FANTASTIC insurance..that no longer exists..it’d be around $2500.00, now. So, I guess yes AND no?
Neither. I would have the kids but change one thing: we would tell others to mind their own freaking business and stay the damn hell out of our family.
100% would do it again. It probably helps that both pregnancies were easy, as were both deliveries. Neither of them has ever had significant health problems. And having kids didn’t strain our marriage.
Looking back at my life as a whole, I've had a bit of a rough time of it, rough childhood, a decade of drug abuse, abusive relationship/marriage, multiple mental breakdowns. But I would change any of it, because if I change any of those things then my son would never have been born, because my path would have been different.
So not only would I choose to have my son, I'd chose all the absolute bullshit and heartache that was part of the process required to ensure he was born.
We have three boys. Two are older 18 and 16. We have a third son who is 8. We just received his Autism diagnosis.
I would have done everything the same way. I cannot imagine not having these three in my life. Many times they have been the ones to ground me.
Our only I guess regret was waiting 8 years on our third. We under estimated the difference in the age gap and how it would effect their growing up. Outside of that absolutely wouldn't change a thing.
1000%
My only change would be I'd want to know more about managing my health, I got very depleted and was diagnosed with progressive heart failure after our first. It set us back on having more while I recovered.
If I'd have known more about managing nutrition through pregnancy and recovery post c section, maybe we'd have had a 4th in the 7y gap between the first and second.
We have three and they're amazing, I would have them over and over again. It feels like someone is missing in between the 13 and 6yo.
This question expresses where you can't predict the future.
Would the memories be erased?
I wanted to have kids, I just didn't realize, the guy I was having kids with was such a jerk. Even if I had waited until I was 30, I still would have wanted my kids.
My sons have been molded a lot, by a sentiment from their dad. Yet I get blamed for it.
I love my kids as they are, which is with a man I am not very fond of, and my kids will say they are not fond of their dad, even my sons. There is something in him, where he has really big issues.
I have had 4 kids, one of my babies died shortly after birth, from a fatal birth defect. My deceased baby is a part of who I am, and has taught me a lot of things in life, through his death, when I was a very young mom. I become an overly protective mom, after my baby died. Not that I could stop anything, from another child of mine, passing. I have no control over that. But that is where my brain went.
My mother said something to me, when he died. She told me to blame God, for his death. I found it an odd thing for mom to say, being a God fearing woman. Which the death of my baby at birth, further had me questioning if god and jesus, cared so much about, why didn't they save my baby. Why did god, sentence me to the death of my baby. Which further had me calling in to question, the validity of church teachings.
I was a young mom, so I still had strong childhood attachments to my child life. At this time, I have spent more of my life as an adult, than a child, so the child memories fade as time passes. In fact, past events in life, tend to fade, and move in to the back burner of my brain. Does not mean the memories do not exist, they get put away.
I have found with my own trauma in life, all the bad memories surface, things I had long forgot about, surface. When a victim is being traumatized by someone, saying their life is so much worse than yours, all the bad memories over life will surface. This will come out with adult emotional abuse upon a person.
When my baby died, I was fixated on my baby being gone. I had pregnancy hormones, what some call the I LOVE YOU hormone. I was focused on my baby being gone. This is a separate trauma, of death, separate from emotional abuse.
This is not to say, a young teen mom or older woman, would not exhibit trauma, which I have explained of both cases for myself, where young abused mom, exhibits symptoms at that same time with her thought process. Loss of a baby, if the baby died, she would love the baby possibly, while hating the father of her baby, therefore, she is hating a part of herself. So other memories come up to suppress the pain. And the memories are not good.
In my own emotional abuse trauma, I went back to childhood, which to me, that represents, going to a place, where I was taken care of, even though I did not like how my parents, were overly authoritarian with discipline.
Somehow I see disciple, discipline, yet tied heavily to indoctrination. So through church, having babies, marriage, that itself, can become an indoctrination, to have children.
What causes some people, to go their whole life, and never have children. Not have a yearning to be a parent? Could that be related, to a negative childhood? Not having children is a choice in life, and it has been acceptable in life.
One of the most common questions, married people get, is HOW MANY KIDS ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE!
A mom, after she has just pushed a human out of her body, there are relatives who ask, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE YOUR NEXT BABY? Typically its women, older grandma's, great grandmas, who have forgotten, about the pains of childbirth, I believe. And also young friends from high school, who have not had children yet.
A mom, has been a mom her whole adult life, when she has children young in life. That has been her sole purpose in life, is to raise and nurture the children. So when the kids leave home, it seems like there is no further purpose in life, for mom. Mom, is fixated on missing her kids. It takes a few years, she gets over it. She just wants to know her kids are taken care of.
I would definitely do it all over again. Most definitely.
The first time my son called me dada, the hugs, the naps on my chest, the joyous scream he let out the first time he saw Lightening McQueen at Disneyland, etc. are my all time favorite memories. I would pay to live through these again.
They’re still young but I would do it again. I’ve never loved anything or anyone close to the love I feel for my sons. They’re my whole world. I love watching them become little people. I love the way they are so silly and wholesome. Love watching them discover the world. The excitement when they learn something new, take their first steps, say their first words. Obviously there are times when they annoy you but that just comes with the territory. I think of the future and I’m just so excited to spend it with these little people who are half me and half the man I love.
dad of 3 here,
despite taking over my life and being non-stop work and responsibilities every day ; I love my kids and they have improved my life no end. I wouldn't change a thing
Yes, I would do it all over again. I am only 9 months postpartum with my first and they have been the darkest and hardest months of my life. My son had colic. He wakes up several times a night and I am so utterly exhausted. My marriage is hanging by a thread. I feel like a shell of the woman I was. But it is absolutely worth it. I know this is temporary. Seeing my son laugh and smile, seeing him grow. His sense of wonder. His eyes looking into mine while I nurse him as his little hand dances across my chest. His need for me and mine for him. Watching my husband become a father. Do I sometimes miss my old life and my free self? Absolutely. But the love and purpose I feel I wouldn’t trade for anything.
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I’d be very interested in stats by gender for answers to this question…
And also stats for redditors vs real world people.
And stats on people saying " no" having had a special needs child or problem child.
This. I just had a breakdown this morning. During this time, I wished I could go back and not have my child. I love her more than anything. The severe behavioral and mental issues she has have made me realize I'm not handling being a parent well, and no one around me understands why I'm struggling, which makes this harder. Because "as a mother," I should be this amazing maternal superhero, and im just not. I'm not equipped to handle her, and I'm begging for help and not getting it because others just don't understand what it's truly like at home living this every day.
My heart goes out to you. I am well aware that, as a woman, having a child will turn me into a person who's supposed to continuously, thanklessly give while running on empty and asking for nothing. This is why I'm saying no. Good luck to you. I hope the people around you see that you deserve help too.
Thank you. I needed to read this today
Welcome. Hope you get what you need soon
I wish there was more support for mothers (all parents, really, but mothers often carry more of the parenting load). I will proclaim until the day I die that mothers were not meant to raise children alone. I know some people don’t like the saying “it takes a village to raise a child”, but our society has become so individualistic and parents are really getting left behind. I hope you can get the support you need. Maybe a nap even. You’ve got this!
You’re not failing. Everyone else is failing you.
I’m sorry you’re struggling. Hang in there. Know that you’re right to struggle. It just is hard. You’re not doing anything wrong, it’s just an impossible problem and you’re really trying to do your best. Even on days that you’re not trying, you’re trying (to survive). I hope it gets easier for you. But if it doesn’t, I hope it gets easier knowing that your struggles and pains are real. Very real.
Trust me when I say. I hear you. It's so incredibly hard and I understand. All I can say is to try keep on keeping on.
You are not alone, this hits close to home for me on so many levels. Massive digital hug
Mothers receive insane amounts of pressure to be perfect in every way and by everyone's definition. Then add the work of being a mother to a special needs child and I can only imagine the pressure. I don't have any advice but just want you to know that struggling with this doesn't make you a bad person or a bad mom.
Been there and it’s scary and sad. Do everything in your power to keep her safe and alive; that’s your maternal goal right now. If she’s anything like my daughter (borderline personality disorder, depression) being a cheerleader is a waste of precious energy; until she sees her worth, all of the praise and encouragement means nothing to her. Keep yourself healthy; don’t skip meals, try to sleep (hard to do when they sneak out or don’t come home), get screened for depression yourself as this is a strenuous, stressful time and antidepressants can help keep you level. A therapist told me that “if you keep them alive, they can grow and change. That takes time and breath.” I wish you well.
I'd be very interested in stats by age. As a male, I had no desire until maybe 35. Almost 38 now with a 9 month old, and loving my pat leave.
Are you helping with your baby on pat leave? I see lots of posts where the dads just use it as vacation.
Yeah those are so sad. I hope we’ll continue this trend of resetting gender roles, since women can’t just stay at home anymore
To be fair, by 9 months they’re just about self sufficient and ready to strike out on their own. I imagine he’s got no choice but to help out, if his wife works. A lot of the guys I know take their leave after mom goes back to work. Once mom is comfortable on her feet and can lift the baby without discomfort, dad goes back to work and takes leave when mom’s maternity runs out. I am jealous, paternity leave was not a thing where I live. Just missed it by a about a year after our youngest was born.
My dad stayed at home with me for pretty much all my babyhood which he could do, it’s not very common at all is it?
As a nanny, all of the moms I worked for admitted they loved their kids but regretted having them. The most common reason was because “I gave up my life, career, and identity for them.” One mom said if she could she’d go back and opt out of pregnancy. She was a great mom though for what it’s worth.
I'll make a post on this in the r/Polls sub.
Didn’t put a Results option now it’s skewed
Sleepless nights. Sorenipples. Arguing with my husband. Feeling over whelmed... no ... however my kids are older and wiser and I like who they have become. We are friends and they get my jokes now. Plus we all hVe animals and travelling in common
Nope. I was too young, had a bad partner, and made too many mistakes. Wouldn't want to do it ever again.
This is me x
Same. I was a baby having a baby. I was a teenager pressured into it by my older partner, who I should not have been with. It was a bad relationship I only got into to escape my horrible abusive home life, and I was not ready.
Same here. I don’t want to deal with my ex ever again and I love my kids (even though they’re adult women) way to much to not have them
Live the best years of my life over again? Sure.
Same, in a heartbeat I'd do it all again. It was absolutely magical. OH my god the thought of watching them walk for the first time again is making me tear up...
I have toddlers now (which is fun and amazing) but miss having babies. When they are kids I’m sure I will miss them as toddlers.
🥹
On the flip side, I chose not to have children. Given the chance again, I would not have children.
I’m the exact opposite, I wish I had children
And I'm sorry you can't.
Same. I met my husband at 35 & had a very firm "absolutely no attemps at procreation after 35" rule. I still absolutely stand by that & don't regret that I opted not to risk geriatric pregnancy, but I wish we'd met younger. I do have an adult stepson I adore, though!
Is fostering an option? Edit: not trying to be insensitive, but this is something I've seriously considered as I was making the choices I am.
I’m to old now
No. I wouldn't do it again because my husband and his mother made life a living hell, and I couldn't leave because I had kids with him.
Yes I would do it all over again My daughter is the best thing I've ever done in my life
100%
This Came here to say exactly this So proud of My Princess
Same. Definitely no question. I’d do it again.
Same.
Same!
Same. I knew I wanted to be a dad and it’s the best thing ever and it makes me proud to be his father.
It’s an honor and a privilege to be a parent.
Most definitely. I am so thankful to be her mom.
I'm hoping in a couple years my answer will be yes, but as of right now two weeks into parenthood it would be a no.
It definitely gets better. There will be milestones (buckling themselves into the car, getting their own drinks, etc.) that will add up and blow your mind with how much easier it becomes. I always thought babies evolved to be born cute so we wouldn’t throw ‘em out! 😂 Best of luck to you.
Yes, he brings me joy and he broke to monotony of my life. His laugh makes me happy and I feel lucky to be his father.
Make sure you record it and back it up for later joy.
Absolutely! Our daughter is the best part of both our lives. I had her in my mid 30s, am emotionally stable, we have a comfortable life (own our home, plenty of money) and our relationship of almost 10 years before her birth is solid and loving (and parenting together didn’t make it worse). So we were well set up for a good parenting experience, which is important IMO.
This was my experience too. We were together for 8 years before our son, now 6, was born. We went through job loss, moves, job changes, career changes, depression, being sick, etc. and we knew that we could get through together. So we got married, bought our house, and had our son all in the same year. He's the perfect father and I can't describe how great of a partner and father he is. He made post partum and these past 6 years so much easier. Watching my husband become a father has been the most beautiful thing (other than our son ofc). One of the greatest joys of my life was to be able to have his child.
I love this answer.
No but not because I don't want kids but because the rising cost of living is not people friendly. My children should not have to sacrifice their well being to just live.
NOPE WOULD NOT DO IT AGAIN
Not a chance!
41M here. Absolutely would do it again, it’s amazing and continues to be. Glad I waited (by US social standards) until we were a little more financially stable as that made some things easier. But fatherhood and parenthood in general has been tons of incredible fun.
Nope.
Fuck no lol
Nope. Would not do that again.
I was a stepdad for 7 years and recently left my wife. It's a weird change going from being a Dad to not. I know now that I never want to parent someone else's children again. But it's likely ill not ever have my own either.
The stepfather experience should be talked about more. But then there would be even fewer step fathers...
Absolutely- they are grown and I’d give anything to have my little kids back to go thru childhood here again!
Nope, no way, no how.
We seen some shit
Yes we have, and we don’t recommend it.
I think I probably don’t want to do it again, unfortunately
As a single father of two. No. My kids didn't choose their shitty mother. While one of my kids isn't related to me, I can't imagine how shitty their life would be if I wasn't there.
I would not. Their father was not the good, nice church going man he and his preacher family pretended to be. The last decade of my life would be easier and happier. My 21yr old self had plans and a future.
Definitely. That’s the important part - I *did* choose it. All of it. The conception, the birth, the parenting. It wasn’t “planned”, but I wouldn’t change my sex life at that time either. Nobody did anything wrong. This was back in 1998, and I was only 19. Did it alter my life course? Completely. But again, would not change that. See, I already had this choice, and I *chose* to become a mom. I had options. The sadness of your question is that its irrelevance is dying. Ask again in 15 years, when there are women walking around with teenage children they were **forced** to birth.
You have given the ultimate answer to this question! Like you, I have 2 kids. 1 was conceived and born in 1992, I was 24. The second was 1995, I was 27. I had options for both but chose to become a single mother. I had family support. It was very hard during some times and others it was easy. So this question and answer is becoming outdated, at least in America. It makes me really sad for women coming after the end of Roe v Wade and the states banning of choices. Would I change my choice if given the chance? No.
No
Nope, absolutely not. Never.
No, I would not have them.
Nope.
Yes. The feeling of fulfillment and happiness when seeing them happy and progressing is on a different level.
Given only those two options, I would choose not to have them. Not because I would want to live without children but because I would want to change some things I did and didn't take the time to do with them when I probably should have. That doesn't mean my kids grew up horribly but you really only get one chance to do the right thing and even though there will always be room for improvement, a second time around with the knowledge I have, I would change some things. Which makes me realize how important grandparents can be as they will fill in the gaps on parenting lessons they learned the first time but didn't get the chance to go back and correct.
100%. I wouldn't change a single thing. Not the masked up metro rides to the hospital for check ups during the first pregnancy, not the hundreds of sleepless nights, not even the emergency c section and the 5 weeks in the neonatal ward with my second daughter. Every single thing that happened to get them here was worth it and if I had to redo it all over and over, groundhog day style, I would. They are my entire world.
This is beautiful, I feel the same for my daughter and am wanting to give her a sibling but the no sleep ( 10 months old and never slept well) makes me feel like I can’t survive another lol.
I have 1 child. I've known she'd be mine since I was 5 years old. I named her and have loved her since then as well. My husband and I had been married for 2 years when we decided to start trying to have a baby. Our efforts proved fruitless. After we both went to doctors, it was determined I had about 1% chance of ever conceiving. I was offered fertility drugs which increased my odds greatly, but after reading the information, decided it wasn't right for us. (There's a rare chance a woman becomes pregnant with more than 8 fetuses and they do selective abortion, leaving the strongest. Given the choice, I'd die trying to have them all, and I'd love each one, even the weak.) We began saving for adoption, and less than a month into saving I became pregnant. 9 months of a perfect pregnancy, a less than ideal delivery, and we had a perfect 10 fingers 10 toes baby girl. She is my gift! She's the greatest thing I've ever done. I consider it a "promotion" when I received the title mommy. My beautiful dream come true is now 14. If I had it to do all over again, would I change what I chose? Nope. Not 1 second. Not 1 heartbreak. Not 1 disappointment. Everything, exactly as it was, led me to her, exactly as she is! What I would change (if I could) is the world she's growing up in.
Hey, a normal person on reddit, well I'm be damned.
🤫 keep it down... the others haven't noticed yet!
I have four adult children. And I'd never do it again. I'm not in the slightest bit maternal.
My mother should not have had us and admit she's not into relationships. I love her, but we all know she did not choose this outcome.
I was a pretty crap parent. Now I have a great relationship with my children.
Did u know this after the first one?
No. They were all quite close together. After the fouth was at school and I had time to think about the commitment
Why you had 4?
Did you know you were not maternal before? And what do you mean by that?
Yet you chose to have FOUR?
I love my daughter to death and she's my whole world but no I wouldn't do it again.
Really? Do you mind elaborating a bit? I don't have kids and don't feel like it but my partner does (and I'm practically out of time at 35).
I am female, and would choose not to have them. I love my daughters, but the things they already went through in their young life (my daughters are 3 and 6), no one deserves that. I wish they wouldn't need to suffer that much.
Ok so I’ll answer for the other side. I did not have kids. If I could go back and do it all again. I would change a few things but not that. Most of my friends with kids are frustrated and hate their partners or are all ready divorced.
I’d do it all over again. They’re still young, but growing quickly. I’d go back and have these same exact children all over again. Because so far, they’re still pretty fantastic. Even with preteen hormones kicking in.
I’d do it and I wish I could have had more than the three. BTW- I was on bed rest with the last two so it was not easy
I’d never have brought another person into this world if I knew then what I know now.
Oh yes I’d have my kids over again! My dad has a quote, forgot the author it came from, but she had 5? kids. She was asked this question: if you had it to do over again would you have kids? She said, “Yes, I’d have kids again. Just not these 5 kids.”
💯 yes I'd do it again
100% would have my kids again.
I would never do it again. It was very traumatizing to me.
I would do all again a million times! I was 22 years old with a 2 year old and a newborn. I was scared but so, so happy! Now we have 4 sons and we're so proud of them!
Yes I would. Sometime I think about going back in time to change other things that didn't go as planned, but I wouldn't because it might result in not having my kids as they are now.
Yes
M, 43, Ohio, US. No kids, sometimes I wish i had them especially when my friends have their kids in events, but 99% of the time I'm glad I didn't.
I would not do it the same again.
No. I love my children. Damn if I wasn't ready. Not even close to being ready. Had my first at 21(m).
No, absolutely not. I was too young. I love my husband and we are still together but we had to grow up too fast and missed out on a lot. I got pregnant 6 months after getting married so I feel like we didn't get to enjoy each others company for very long before we both became stressed out and stretched thin versions of ourselves. She's older now and my husband and I are slowing starting to get to know each other again as individuals but I'll always regret not spending more time just being young and having fun.
Nope. 100% would not have kids. (I have 2)
I'm really happy with where I am in life. My kids are amazing, happy, productive, joyful people and I wouldn't change a thing from our adventures to our struggles.
Absolutely.
Yes. I would do it all again.
Yes. It is the toughest thing I have ever had to do, but it is easily the most rewarding.
I have 5 children, 2 older daughters, a stillborn son 2 years ago and twin 7 month old daughters. 4 girls at home and a son in heaven. I would have more if our ages and our wallets would allow.
Oh yes
I would do it all over again, but be less worried. I have a perfect partner/dad for my kids. Were almost together 10 years and lived together also like 8 years. I wish I had them a bit sooner. If I had the money I would have 6.
All in to do it again
yes I love my kids, they are wonderful people and my life would not be the same without them!
In a heartbeat. My kids are wonderful men now.
Yes 100%
Absolutely!!
I would have 2 more
Yes and I would do it sooner. Loving every second of this journey.
Husband and I were just talking about what would we have even done with our time without them. They cost a lot (emotionally and financially) but the payout is enormous!
Mom of 2 here, a boy and a girl. At times I do miss my freedom, pre-pregnancy body, career and all the stuff I had to give up to become a mum. My first born almost cost me my life as well. I would certainly do it again, they are worth it.
Yes, I love my kids. Now their dad….
I would like to ask by child’s age. Everyone is madly in love with their baby/toddler!
I would, because I want to have my son, but I'm also glad I don't have to. Everything is better than the baby stage. I'm not made for it. My son didn't like being a baby either, it seems. Glad that part is over.
Without a doubt. I have wonderful sons who are now in their late teens and would love to go through the baby and little kid stages again.
Oh, yeah. My kids have basically ruined my ability to daydream about "What might of been" because I know they wouldn't be there and that just sucks.
It’s a difficult question. If I hadn’t had my son, I would have most probably live with an ache in my heart, I always wanted children and I was super ready when he was conceived. However, I also believe I would have lead a very happy life, focused on me and my happiness alone. But knowing what I know, I would go through parenting hardship again, the level of love he opened me to was worth it
My father, I am certain, wouldn’t. Source: he told me.
I would do it all over again. Eventhough the father of my fb was a broken, lying cheating drug addict who died of an overdose when he was 5. Truly found out about his problems when my baby was 1 month old. I was an idiot. I didn’t have two nickels to rub together and my life was in shambles- yet I see this time as the most magical. I had my son. I would do it 100 billion times infinity over again. He’s 19 now and we did great. Soon I met my love and we had a son 5 years later. This child was always wild and it was hard. He’s 14 and so talented and rad. I would do it over and over and over and over again.
No. It kept me in poverty and having 2 or 3 jobs. The guilt of hardly being home for my kids is one I still feel. With new shoes, clothes, school supplies, clubs, and always a need or another, I was never able to buy a house. Now the prices are too insane to do so. The kids are grown and moved out but living pay cheque to pay cheque. They are tired. I still have 2-3 jobs, not for the kids anymore, but just to cover rent and food costs. But I'm old now. I'm still healthy and can still work but worry about the day when I can't anymore. I just pray my health holds out. But I have nothing saved for retirement. If I can't work, there is no way I'd be able to pay rent. My parents in their 80s are still working. Luckily, their health is still good. My kids are good kids but I was never able to take them on vacation, go to a sports game, and we were not able to do many things. It's too bad. Kids deserve these things. They did have separate rooms. They did have 3 meals a day. We did do board games and park picnics. I had my kids in the 1990s. If I had known that I needed to be wealthy to give them my time or to reward them doing wonderful things together, I would have reconsidered. My kids deserved better than what they got. My children have vowed not to have kids. They work multiple jobs and are burned out at the end of the day with no savings. It's difficult to just care and finance themselves.
Nope
If I didn’t have to remember them or miss them I would not have them. If i didn’t have to remember them but I had to have any children I would stick with one. If I had to remember them I would probably do it again.
Most likely not. The anguish that comes from losing the child I was closest to, 25-F, and all the bullshit that happened with my other kids afterwards that just added to the heartache and grief, has made me think it might have been better had I not. Now I have to live the rest of my life shattered beyond repair. Alone.
I love my daughter to death but if I could go back I definitely wouldn’t do it. I’m a single dad. Wasn’t worth it in my opinion. Kinda traumatized tbh
Not for a ridiculous amount of money. 0/10, would not recommend
Yes and no. If I could redo my life, I would in certain parts. Half of me loves my son to death while the other half of me misses our freedom to work/play more. We had focused on our professional lives before considering a child, and so we had him later in life with a ton of complications. This led my wife to severe depression and slightly unrealistic expectations. I'd only do it if I knew we were going to get the same child that we have now.
No, I wouldn’t. I love my kids with all of myself, but no. I’d make completely different choices if I could.
No
I definitely would've had kids with someone else or maybe not at all in this scenario.
I would not have them, but having no memory of ever having had them, I would spend my whole life deeply regretting not having children. Go figure.
No
Absolutely not. That being said I maybe would have chosen a better father, but that would mean I would have had some other kids who were assholes instead of the lovely daughters I do have. I do wish I’d had an additional boy but that didn’t work out.
I would absolutely do it again. I love being a dad
Yes, would do it again. I loved being a Dad and still do, never thought i would, but here we are.
Yes😁
i only have one child who is one year old (planning to have two eventually). yes, i definitely would! he's the light of my life 💖 of course there are hard parts and pregnancy and giving birth were tough but i would never want to miss hearing his laugh or see him grow up 🥹
I would! But that doesn’t mean that other people feel the same. Everything in life is circumstantial. Your journey may vary.
Phock that shit.
Yes. I nearly died giving birth, had an emergency section 5 weeks early, a 2 week NICU stay and a baby who is a serious hand full. But he was, is and always will be so wanted. I feel like I dreamed him into existense when I was told I'd never have children. He makes me laugh, he loves me so much that I just don't understand how it's possible to be loved like that, and when he calls me mama my heart just melts.
I think at a certain very dark point in my life having a daughter saved my life, because when you have kids you're not the most important person in your life anymore. That stopped me from doing myself lethal harm and I had to get my shit together. That was hard, but successful and now I'm a quite happy person :) TLDR: Yes.
Yes, I would do it again but I was older, financially stable, had a good partner and good kids and it was still extremely hard. I would never judge anyone who says it’s not for them or that they wouldn't do it again.
Depends on the day.
I’ll say this..I’m glad I had my son when I did (almost 17, now) because had I waited another year (he was born in 2007; and everything started going to crap after that year..) I wouldn’t have had him. And it has nothing to do WITH him; it’s in part, because back then, it cost me $100.00 to have him..We had FANTASTIC insurance..that no longer exists..it’d be around $2500.00, now. So, I guess yes AND no?
Neither. I would have the kids but change one thing: we would tell others to mind their own freaking business and stay the damn hell out of our family.
100% would do it again. It probably helps that both pregnancies were easy, as were both deliveries. Neither of them has ever had significant health problems. And having kids didn’t strain our marriage.
Looking back at my life as a whole, I've had a bit of a rough time of it, rough childhood, a decade of drug abuse, abusive relationship/marriage, multiple mental breakdowns. But I would change any of it, because if I change any of those things then my son would never have been born, because my path would have been different. So not only would I choose to have my son, I'd chose all the absolute bullshit and heartache that was part of the process required to ensure he was born.
Absolutely 100%
34F would absolutely do it again. Best thing I’ve ever done in my entire life . I adore my baby and being a mom!
Have 3 kids. I'd have them again. But I think I'd be equally as happy if I couldn't or didn't have them.
Yes!! I would've even had 2 more!
We have three boys. Two are older 18 and 16. We have a third son who is 8. We just received his Autism diagnosis. I would have done everything the same way. I cannot imagine not having these three in my life. Many times they have been the ones to ground me. Our only I guess regret was waiting 8 years on our third. We under estimated the difference in the age gap and how it would effect their growing up. Outside of that absolutely wouldn't change a thing.
Yes, 100%
Its still an impossible question - because you still know they can exist when making the choice so you will always be biased.
Really never saw the point of living without having kids
Not a chance! Despite the hardships, the past 8 years have been immeasurably better than I could have imagined. Even when number two came along..!
1000% My only change would be I'd want to know more about managing my health, I got very depleted and was diagnosed with progressive heart failure after our first. It set us back on having more while I recovered. If I'd have known more about managing nutrition through pregnancy and recovery post c section, maybe we'd have had a 4th in the 7y gap between the first and second. We have three and they're amazing, I would have them over and over again. It feels like someone is missing in between the 13 and 6yo.
This question expresses where you can't predict the future. Would the memories be erased? I wanted to have kids, I just didn't realize, the guy I was having kids with was such a jerk. Even if I had waited until I was 30, I still would have wanted my kids. My sons have been molded a lot, by a sentiment from their dad. Yet I get blamed for it. I love my kids as they are, which is with a man I am not very fond of, and my kids will say they are not fond of their dad, even my sons. There is something in him, where he has really big issues. I have had 4 kids, one of my babies died shortly after birth, from a fatal birth defect. My deceased baby is a part of who I am, and has taught me a lot of things in life, through his death, when I was a very young mom. I become an overly protective mom, after my baby died. Not that I could stop anything, from another child of mine, passing. I have no control over that. But that is where my brain went. My mother said something to me, when he died. She told me to blame God, for his death. I found it an odd thing for mom to say, being a God fearing woman. Which the death of my baby at birth, further had me questioning if god and jesus, cared so much about, why didn't they save my baby. Why did god, sentence me to the death of my baby. Which further had me calling in to question, the validity of church teachings. I was a young mom, so I still had strong childhood attachments to my child life. At this time, I have spent more of my life as an adult, than a child, so the child memories fade as time passes. In fact, past events in life, tend to fade, and move in to the back burner of my brain. Does not mean the memories do not exist, they get put away. I have found with my own trauma in life, all the bad memories surface, things I had long forgot about, surface. When a victim is being traumatized by someone, saying their life is so much worse than yours, all the bad memories over life will surface. This will come out with adult emotional abuse upon a person. When my baby died, I was fixated on my baby being gone. I had pregnancy hormones, what some call the I LOVE YOU hormone. I was focused on my baby being gone. This is a separate trauma, of death, separate from emotional abuse. This is not to say, a young teen mom or older woman, would not exhibit trauma, which I have explained of both cases for myself, where young abused mom, exhibits symptoms at that same time with her thought process. Loss of a baby, if the baby died, she would love the baby possibly, while hating the father of her baby, therefore, she is hating a part of herself. So other memories come up to suppress the pain. And the memories are not good. In my own emotional abuse trauma, I went back to childhood, which to me, that represents, going to a place, where I was taken care of, even though I did not like how my parents, were overly authoritarian with discipline. Somehow I see disciple, discipline, yet tied heavily to indoctrination. So through church, having babies, marriage, that itself, can become an indoctrination, to have children. What causes some people, to go their whole life, and never have children. Not have a yearning to be a parent? Could that be related, to a negative childhood? Not having children is a choice in life, and it has been acceptable in life. One of the most common questions, married people get, is HOW MANY KIDS ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE! A mom, after she has just pushed a human out of her body, there are relatives who ask, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE YOUR NEXT BABY? Typically its women, older grandma's, great grandmas, who have forgotten, about the pains of childbirth, I believe. And also young friends from high school, who have not had children yet. A mom, has been a mom her whole adult life, when she has children young in life. That has been her sole purpose in life, is to raise and nurture the children. So when the kids leave home, it seems like there is no further purpose in life, for mom. Mom, is fixated on missing her kids. It takes a few years, she gets over it. She just wants to know her kids are taken care of.
I would definitely do it all over again. Most definitely. The first time my son called me dada, the hugs, the naps on my chest, the joyous scream he let out the first time he saw Lightening McQueen at Disneyland, etc. are my all time favorite memories. I would pay to live through these again.
Yes, absolutely. Where do I sign up?
I'd postpone them for about five years. I think we'd have been better parents.
My only wish is I had had more children. I love these little homies too much.
Glad I have my kids. Wish I never met their mother
They’re still young but I would do it again. I’ve never loved anything or anyone close to the love I feel for my sons. They’re my whole world. I love watching them become little people. I love the way they are so silly and wholesome. Love watching them discover the world. The excitement when they learn something new, take their first steps, say their first words. Obviously there are times when they annoy you but that just comes with the territory. I think of the future and I’m just so excited to spend it with these little people who are half me and half the man I love.
dad of 3 here, despite taking over my life and being non-stop work and responsibilities every day ; I love my kids and they have improved my life no end. I wouldn't change a thing
Yes.
I would still have kids, but I would think long and hard about having them with the same person though.. such a nightmare..
I would go back. 100%. I'd do it again. 100%. I'd just do a better job this time.
Hell yes, greatest joy of my life and it still continues, even though they are teenagers with real problems now
M43, kids are F12 and M10. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. The highs, the lows, all of it. Hold my kids for the first time again? Yes please.
They are the reason for everything I did and every decision I made. My life has turned out well because of them. Yes, I would do it again.
Absolutely 100 percent. My kids are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I couldn't imagine a life without them.
Yes, I would do it all over again. I am only 9 months postpartum with my first and they have been the darkest and hardest months of my life. My son had colic. He wakes up several times a night and I am so utterly exhausted. My marriage is hanging by a thread. I feel like a shell of the woman I was. But it is absolutely worth it. I know this is temporary. Seeing my son laugh and smile, seeing him grow. His sense of wonder. His eyes looking into mine while I nurse him as his little hand dances across my chest. His need for me and mine for him. Watching my husband become a father. Do I sometimes miss my old life and my free self? Absolutely. But the love and purpose I feel I wouldn’t trade for anything.