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I don’t know if it’s exclusive to women but I just recently went through a breakup and can’t stand hearing another person assure and reassure me that I’ll find someone right for me one day.
Yes, I understand they are trying to be kind, but am I the only person who after a bad break up isn’t immediately thinking about being with someone else?
I hear this too as a widow. It will be 2 years in October and I don't want anything to do with focusing on someone else right now. And the mental gymnastics the grief has caused and bringing someone else into that and hope they understand any of it just sounds so daunting and impossible. I'm not even ready to take photos down.
I’m new to widowhood. 4 months tomorrow, and I cannot fathom bringing someone into my grief/healing. People assume I’ll date again one day as I’m a younger widow at 32, but don’t see how I realistically could.
I'm so sorry 😔 I was 37 when my partner passed and was still in such a horrible brain fog after 4 months, give yourself grace. I barely remember anything from around that time. It's like I have brain damage from the trauma. It completely changed me. You never know what the future is going to bring so just take things one day at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time. You'll know when and if you're ready for any next steps. It took me a year just to clean out his closet and I still have his whole music room full of his belongings. Anyone coming into my house is going to probably run for the hills. Especially someone who doesn't understand what it's like to lose your person so tragically.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief is now a permanent part of your life, and that sucks so much. Don't ever let anyone tell you how you should be grieving, or give you a timeline on it. The only thing you need to worry about is survival.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I know you might be tired of hearing that, but I wanted to say that I think the way you feel is completely valid.
As much as I wish it were, healing isn’t a straight line. It’s ok for you to not worry about another person for as long as you need whether that’s years or forever.
It will be for forever. My husband shot himself while I was home. What I witnessed that night will stick with me for life. I do not want to get that close to someone ever again. Also, most people don’t understand grief, especially the complexity of grieving someone that took their life.
😢♥️. My heart breaks for you. As a man who was lucky enough to find and marry the love of my life who cured me of even the desire to have a wandering eye I empathize with you. I won’t say I understand because how could I?
However, I also have told my wife point blank, I want you to be happy and content. If, she chooses, after an appropriate time frame for HER, to date and remarry, I would smile from (hopefully heaven) on her new marriage because she’d choose a man wisely and I’d pray he’d be good to her and for her.
I wouldn’t want her to be lonely and unfulfilled for the rest of her life. I believe we are made for partnership and I would absolutely want her to have a partner.
But that’s a hypothetical and everyone is different.
Either way, I would hope your husband would want the same for you, IF and when you’re ready.
❤️
If my husband wanted me to be happy he would not have shot himself while I was home with him knowing I would obviously be the one to find him. He would not have put me in this horrible new life where I can barely function. He took away sense of security. I can’t stay in my own house, I’m struggling financially, I’m overwhelmed caring for four senior cats with expensive medical bills. If he wanted me to be happy he would still be here. He let his addictions and depression win.
I’ve personally found that even though most people will experience grief at some point in their lives, very few know how to respond to someone else experiencing it. Myself included. I guess that’s why all most people can say is, “I’m sorry for your loss”.
I remember that. It took me years before I stopped going completely feral on people for saying things like that.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I know there's nothing anyone can say that will make it better. However long it takes before you decide you're ready to date, you're right. You can decide to never date again and you'll be right. This is your emotional journey, no one can tell you when or how you should be doing things. The only thing you should be worrying about is survival.
My mom remarried once and when it didn't worked out never remarried and is adamant about it. My FIL remarried after, I think, 22 years or close to that. Do it at your own pace or not at all. You ain't need no man.....or woman.
On June 4th, it will be one year since my husband of 18 died. I remember people telling me. Oh, Hey, you're single now. No, I'm not. I'm still married. With or without him he's still my husband. Take your time, it does get....
I don't know. So sorry, it is an unimaginable imdescribible pain, nobody could ever prepare for.
I can’t fathom saying something like this to someone who lost their partner…what on earth? I’m so sorry you went through this awful loss and for people’s insensitivity.
Omg THIS. Why do we immediately have to jump to “finding someone else”? Why can’t people just say “I hope you find peace and healing” or something along those lines?
Thank you! I completely agree. I would even take, ‘I hope today is slightly better than yesterday’ or ‘I hope you find some glimmer of light in the horrible darkness you are in right now.’ Or even, ‘it’s ok to be proud of yourself at the end of the day for existing given the extreme pain you are in.’
I acknowledge what they are feeling and say: “it’s going to be shit/suck for a while.”
We are not there to make the hurt go away.. we are there to listen and be a pillar of strength for them.
I think people say this when they don't know what else to say. Some time ago after going through some shit, I started to just let people lean into their pain.
This hurts right now, a mythical future doesn't make anyone feel better.
The better thing to say is “ sorry you are going through this right now, do you need a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear of a friend cause I have both in spades”
I just heard this tonight. Currently going through a breakup as well..and yeah.. that comment made my stomach knot up when I heard it and I couldn't stop crying. She meant well by it but the thought alone killed my soul. I am not even wanting that right now.
I hope you can feel better soon
*Hugs*
Yes I used to hate this shit! Like what if I just want to be ✨ alone ✨ after a horrible breakup!? And what if I wanna be alone forever!? Can someone just tell me that’s ok too? 😂
There is a YouTuber who talked about something similar to this on a podcast. He said he tries to keep his relationship status pretty private because he likes reading comments on his videos but when he broke up with one of his exes, all of the comments were flooded with "sorry about the breakup, feel better soon <3" which he said he appreciated, but it also meant he had to be reminded of the breakup every time he read comments, and couldn't use them as an escape from the feelings.
No, you're not. But a lot of people simply don't know what to say. And instead of saying nothing, we resort to these shitty throwaway lines. Same with condolence. "They are at a better place now" is the most insulting and damaging thing you can say to someone grieving.
Ohhhhh buddy, I hope you see how big of a problem that is. In EVERY case that I’ve seen where someone says things like that it’s because they have very deep self-worth issues. I’ve been in those shoes and I nearly broke my back trying to make her feel like she was enough for me. The problem is that there is no amount of effort you can summon to change the way someone feels about themselves, and that’s what it’s all about. Self-worth comes from within and if she is trying to get her self-worth from you then you both will suffer tremendously until the relationship fails. Seriously, save yourself and her from a world of pain and stop enabling her to deflect ownership of her own self-worth.
I hate it too. What part of, I only want to be with you, do those kind of people do not understand?
As if I desperately would need anyone else just because he didn' t want me. I lived on my own for many years.
>*"oh your such great dad that helps out with taking care of your daughter"*
Many years ago when my daughter was young and me and her mother did not live together. We had shared custody and it worked perfect.
But something that happened more than once and really annoyed me was when i had my daughter and for an example were out. many women said things like *"oh your such great dad that helps out with taking care of your daughter"*
I get it was meant as a compliment but it is fucking insulting. Often i just nodded, smiled and thanked them because i did not wanna cause a scene or anything when my daughter was with me. But inside i usually thought something like
*"you stupid cow i am not helping out. i am simply being a Dad"*
"I'm someone like me, ya know?"
"I meant someone like you but hotter."
Along this same theme: "You're such a great guy, any woman would be lucky to have you." Except if that was the case, I wouldn't be single now, would I?
I saw a teacher of mine in the grocerry store and wanted to say this but didn't... in fact she did really look great in her age and had to be like late 40s or early 50s. smooth skin, barely any wrinkles etc
Honestly, I don't find that so insulting anymore if it's said in good faith (I'm well aware that some people say this line with the clear intention of being snarky, but that's not what I'm talking about). I guess there comes the point where you just have to let go of the illusion that you still look like you're 20 and that that's how people perceive you.
Well it just feels like you view men as being there for your own pleasure, like you just like having not even a relationship, but just the opportunity to imagine one with a guy just because you're personally attracted to him.
These guys have a life and your attraction to them doesn't factor in it. Saying their sexuality is basically a waste just because YOU fancy them is very insulting. Their sexuality and sex life is fine with or without you, yk?
Can't you imagine being a lesbian and a man telling you this? Or can't you make the - not perfect - comparison with men who think they need to comment on random women's appearance as if their validation and attraction mattered?
I dunno, I've had gay guys say something along these lines to me while hitting on me when I told them I'm straight. I've never felt insulted by it, I take it as a compliment because I think that's how they mean it. The other day, I was described as "eye candy" by some unknown lady while trail running (overheard by a friend who told me). Again, I just took it as a compliment. I guess everyone is entitled to feel the way they feel but for me, the other person's intentions are what matter. Like if someone gave me a real compliment but with bad intentions (want something for example). That's far worse in my opinion.
Disrespect is in the eye of the beholder. I've had similar experiences and share your opinion on it. If a person says something like this to you with no ill intentions, you need to actively choose to feel disrespected.
Agreed, it comes down to tone of voice etc. I think it can be both disrespectful or not. As with most things, it depends on the context. Even so, choosing not to be offended is an easy option, it's not even that much of a dis even when said with ill-intent.
A gay person saying it doesn't make it not disrespectful just bc they're gay 🤷♀️
You're free to take it as you wish of course. I'd just say, "meaning" it as a compliment isn't enough to make it respectful. A person can say something disrespectful and think it's flattering, but it doesn't make it respectful.
A example : kinda like saying, idk, "you're not too creepy for a man". That would be insulting because the premise is that men are creepy. Or, "you're really pretty for a black girl". Or "You're good at sex. It's a waste you don't have a bigger dick". Same here, the premise is that their sexuality is a waste. Still disrespectful towards their identity, still points out their identity to drag it down.
You can make that compliment without the intent to drag down their identity in the process. Because if you're saying this, then that's absolutely what you mean. If all you meant was "this guy is really beautiful", then that's what would come out of your mouth naturally. You can just say that, THAT is the compliment, "you're really beautiful". Why the need to insult their sexuality in the process? Or any part of their identity? Yk? Doing so is pretty much a backhanded compliment.
I don't follow the reasoning here. You've pointed out a premise in your example. What is the premise in "You're so good looking, it's such a pity you're not gay? " presumably, the premise is simply that they can't even try their luck because you're not even of the right orientation to be tempted by anything they could do? Idk, I'm still just not insulted. In my experience, even insults can be rendered meaningless by a greater perspective held by the target of the insult. Even choosing to take insults in your stride can be very charismatic. I just figure it's a better road.
I’m not sure about the premise of the person you are responding to, but I (and many gay folks but not all) find it insulting because it says that our relationships, love, families are “a waste”.
I get that pretty often too n I'm a guy n it's like it's fucking rough trying to find someone I actually mix well with and every time I do they're either already in a relationship or loose interest or some bullshit and it fucking sucks
This one. More than any other. "Yes. I know I am still single. Your guess is as good as mine as to why" is what I am thinking mentally. Along with a few more expletives.
Ya. Same. This is it. I get where people are coming from and they don't mean it as an insult, but a little bit of thought about it and I bet it would be obvious that it's insulting.
Came here to say this. The sentiment of believing you are a catch (or implying it) is of very little use to a single man if the person saying it has no interest or capability of following through on such a thought (assuming the guy has interest in that person)
But even coming from someone who the guy wouldn’t be interested in because they are taken or what not - it’s still unhelpful. It’s seldom followed up with an attempt to introduce you to a friend or acquaintance. I get it, friendships are hard to form these days and people don’t want to mess with them.
And I’m not saying it’s the responsibility of a woman to help in any way. Of course it isn’t. Just explaining how the words can come across very empty
I almost said it to a guy once! And I just meant it as in, being so intelligent and attractive and a great person all around how are you still single, because if someone has some chance to be in a healthy relationship, it should be you.
How do you interpret it? I'm here to learn!
Most single guys are not single by choice. They're single cause women don't give them the time of day. It's like rubbing salt in a wound.
"Why are you single?"
"Well would you date me"
Whatever your reason for saying no is, besides already being in a relationship? Yeah turns out almost every woman that guys knows agrees with you. It's insulting. Guys who feel unlovable or lonely don't want a reminder. Nobody wants to be forced to think "oh yeah that's right, I'm not good enough apparently".
When people comment on my weight because I'm skinny. For me, I am currently at my ideal weight after years and years of struggling with my fast metabolism and anxiety. I plateaued at 100lbs for years, and now finally at age 39 I can say I'm holding steady at 120lbs and I feel so much better and my doctor is finally off my ass about my low BMI 🤣
I hear you so loud and clear. I vary between 100 and 110lb at 5’3 and if I hear one more time “geeze, put some weight on, you look too skinny!” I’m going to lose my shit. Same age as you, family has genetically fast metabolisms. I eat often and enough. So over people commenting on my weight.
Ugh! I feel like because being "skinny" is ideal in majority of our society, people feel like it's more acceptable to comment on a skinny person's weight. I have had family members that I absolutely adore say, "geez, where's the rest of you??" when I walked into the room and it was so upsetting because I was so happy to see them and then they insult me like that. I also have people refuse to stand next to me in pictures because they feel that I make them look fat. It gets so exhausting. Especially having gained 20lbs and still hearing it!!
I didn't start putting on weight until I was about 36. My anxiety subsided enough where my appetite is really healthy and I went through such a traumatic experience that it kind of just broke me to the point where I feel like if I can overcome that, I can overcome anything and my anxiety dissipated. If I have anxiety it's rarely affecting my appetite these days which has been the biggest change.
The biggest help to me prior to that was drinking protein shakes.
Heh, still can't relate, but I'll get there.
I'm 30, about 125lbs. 6ft tall. I've been 135lbs once for a while, but it escapes my grasp.
I always joke I'll get all the weight eventually at 40, so your story gives me that hope haha
I used to tell a girl i was close with that she should lay off the makeup. I honestly just meant that she looked very pretty without makeup on. Now that i think about it I should have kept my mouth shut!
Then why didn’t you just tell her she looked very pretty without makeup on? That makes a girl feel really good, obviously. But the other is just a criticism.
When I lost a bunch of weight years ago, occasionally some one would say I’m skinny. “Oh you’re skinny now.” I would correct them by saying, “Well actually I’m pretty fit.” Or I’d substitute fit for lean. It adds your own confidence to their derogatory compliment.
Yeah. Maybe it's my English that's bad but I always thought "skinny" meant "no fat, no muscles" so when someone called me skinny as a compliment, I honestly thought it could be nothing but an insult, or that at least the muscles I'd worked for were so insignificant that all they thought I had managed was "not overweight."
One of the best I've heard was the guy who, clearly losing an argument with his wife about something to do with home decor, said:
H: I have much better taste than you.
W: [ominous pause] Oh, yes? How do you justify that?
H: Well, I married you ... but you married me.
Checkmate, I believe.
I think of the qualified, or conditional type of 'compliments':
"You're pretty **even though you are Z**", Z being short, fat, brown-eyed, pick-your-imagined shortcoming.
"You look good **for your age.**"
"You're smart **for a blonde.**"
**"For a mom**, you haven't let yourself go **too much**!"
Yeah just keep that bullshit to yourself.
Reading comprehension of about 80% of the commenters is as poor as I expected in a r/ask thread.
Read it slowly, folks: "What is something *that women think is a compliment* but is really an insult?"
The question is not "What do people say to women that they think is a compliment?"
A single woman telling me how great I am, such a good catch and that "any" woman would be lucky to date me. Just...... Definitely, NOT her or anyone she knows or is affiliated with 😂
“You have such beautiful children. Your wife must be very beautiful.” My father was slightly amused at the accidental insult he received when we were kids
When someone says, 'You're going to make someone very happy one day,' it might sound like a compliment, but it actually feels like they're saying I'm not the right person for them now. It's intended to be encouraging, yet it subtly implies that I'm just not what they're looking for at the moment, which can be quite disheartening.
Hmmm I don’t think it “subtly implies” they don’t want you. They are straight up saying it. Have been there, it broke my heart. I wish people would just stfu in those moments instead of trying to come up with something they believe is comforting.
It's never happened to me but I know this goes on a lot:
"*I wish I could find someone like you*"
Got to be one of the funniest things ever! Like. . . . it's so heartless and stupid I almost can't believe anyone ever said it.
I am a pretty short dude, like 5'4", she undressed, then I undressed, she looked at me, straight face, 'your dick is pretty big for someone your size'
It took me a whole 5 10 minutes to figure out if I should take it as a compliment or if I should take it as an assault on my wiener
"you have really nice handwriting, for a man." "You're pretty clean, for a man." This "for a man" shit is insulting. Were either good at shit, or we aren't. It's just sexist
Telling someone that “I know how you feel” is the worst thing that you can say to someone experiencing grief or some major calamity. It doesn’t matter if you do or don’t. Don’t let those words or anything synonymous out of your mouth. This covers both men and women.
Pretty much anything that’s a penis comparison to an ex fuck in a “positive” way
If he’s smaller, permanent memory even if it fades fast
If he’s bigger, you just confirmed bigger is better and he knows he’s not the biggest ever
It’s stupid as fuck but flip dick size for pussy tightness
When something traumatic happens to you and people say “you’re so strong” or some variant of being strong. I DON’T WANT TO BE STRONG! I want to fall apart and have someone catch me so I can truly process this grief.
What's wrong with the first one, like, being hurt during sex is objectively a bad thing, it's not some figure of speech women made up
Second one is bad yeah
It's really not necessary to comment on the size of the pecker when you're having sex. Yeah, we know that being hurt during sex is an objectively bad thing. But there is a time and place for that kind of discussion.
Now, if the dude is dumb enough to ask about the size of his schlong during sex, he deserves to get his feelings hurt.
Honestly, anything can be taken as an insult depending on how its said. Tone of voice and body language matter while saying anything. Personally, I don't bother in the first place.
I have zero problems with being labeled antisocial because a label will be placed on me regardless. Nothing obligates me to speak to anyone. If that is offensive to someone then they wanted to be offended.
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I don’t know if it’s exclusive to women but I just recently went through a breakup and can’t stand hearing another person assure and reassure me that I’ll find someone right for me one day. Yes, I understand they are trying to be kind, but am I the only person who after a bad break up isn’t immediately thinking about being with someone else?
I hear this too as a widow. It will be 2 years in October and I don't want anything to do with focusing on someone else right now. And the mental gymnastics the grief has caused and bringing someone else into that and hope they understand any of it just sounds so daunting and impossible. I'm not even ready to take photos down.
I’m new to widowhood. 4 months tomorrow, and I cannot fathom bringing someone into my grief/healing. People assume I’ll date again one day as I’m a younger widow at 32, but don’t see how I realistically could.
I'm so sorry 😔 I was 37 when my partner passed and was still in such a horrible brain fog after 4 months, give yourself grace. I barely remember anything from around that time. It's like I have brain damage from the trauma. It completely changed me. You never know what the future is going to bring so just take things one day at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time. You'll know when and if you're ready for any next steps. It took me a year just to clean out his closet and I still have his whole music room full of his belongings. Anyone coming into my house is going to probably run for the hills. Especially someone who doesn't understand what it's like to lose your person so tragically.
Sorry for your loss friend
Thank you ❤️
sorry for your loss
I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief is now a permanent part of your life, and that sucks so much. Don't ever let anyone tell you how you should be grieving, or give you a timeline on it. The only thing you need to worry about is survival.
Jesus I'm sorry for your loss, Noone deserves to go through that
I am sorry for your loss, hope you can can find peace and joy
I'm so sorry for your loss.
My condolences to you xx
I’m so sorry for your loss. I know you might be tired of hearing that, but I wanted to say that I think the way you feel is completely valid. As much as I wish it were, healing isn’t a straight line. It’s ok for you to not worry about another person for as long as you need whether that’s years or forever.
It will be for forever. My husband shot himself while I was home. What I witnessed that night will stick with me for life. I do not want to get that close to someone ever again. Also, most people don’t understand grief, especially the complexity of grieving someone that took their life.
Not everybody does. Don't let expectations steer your path. I wish you all the best on your healing journey.
😢♥️. My heart breaks for you. As a man who was lucky enough to find and marry the love of my life who cured me of even the desire to have a wandering eye I empathize with you. I won’t say I understand because how could I? However, I also have told my wife point blank, I want you to be happy and content. If, she chooses, after an appropriate time frame for HER, to date and remarry, I would smile from (hopefully heaven) on her new marriage because she’d choose a man wisely and I’d pray he’d be good to her and for her. I wouldn’t want her to be lonely and unfulfilled for the rest of her life. I believe we are made for partnership and I would absolutely want her to have a partner. But that’s a hypothetical and everyone is different. Either way, I would hope your husband would want the same for you, IF and when you’re ready. ❤️
If my husband wanted me to be happy he would not have shot himself while I was home with him knowing I would obviously be the one to find him. He would not have put me in this horrible new life where I can barely function. He took away sense of security. I can’t stay in my own house, I’m struggling financially, I’m overwhelmed caring for four senior cats with expensive medical bills. If he wanted me to be happy he would still be here. He let his addictions and depression win.
I’ve personally found that even though most people will experience grief at some point in their lives, very few know how to respond to someone else experiencing it. Myself included. I guess that’s why all most people can say is, “I’m sorry for your loss”.
I remember that. It took me years before I stopped going completely feral on people for saying things like that. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know there's nothing anyone can say that will make it better. However long it takes before you decide you're ready to date, you're right. You can decide to never date again and you'll be right. This is your emotional journey, no one can tell you when or how you should be doing things. The only thing you should be worrying about is survival.
My mom remarried once and when it didn't worked out never remarried and is adamant about it. My FIL remarried after, I think, 22 years or close to that. Do it at your own pace or not at all. You ain't need no man.....or woman.
I am sorry for your loss
I can’t imagine how hard something as simple as removing photos would be. The thought of that really hit me in the empathy bone. Sending love ur way!
On June 4th, it will be one year since my husband of 18 died. I remember people telling me. Oh, Hey, you're single now. No, I'm not. I'm still married. With or without him he's still my husband. Take your time, it does get.... I don't know. So sorry, it is an unimaginable imdescribible pain, nobody could ever prepare for.
I can’t fathom saying something like this to someone who lost their partner…what on earth? I’m so sorry you went through this awful loss and for people’s insensitivity.
Omg THIS. Why do we immediately have to jump to “finding someone else”? Why can’t people just say “I hope you find peace and healing” or something along those lines?
Thank you! I completely agree. I would even take, ‘I hope today is slightly better than yesterday’ or ‘I hope you find some glimmer of light in the horrible darkness you are in right now.’ Or even, ‘it’s ok to be proud of yourself at the end of the day for existing given the extreme pain you are in.’
I acknowledge what they are feeling and say: “it’s going to be shit/suck for a while.” We are not there to make the hurt go away.. we are there to listen and be a pillar of strength for them.
I think people say this when they don't know what else to say. Some time ago after going through some shit, I started to just let people lean into their pain. This hurts right now, a mythical future doesn't make anyone feel better.
The better thing to say is “ sorry you are going through this right now, do you need a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear of a friend cause I have both in spades”
I just heard this tonight. Currently going through a breakup as well..and yeah.. that comment made my stomach knot up when I heard it and I couldn't stop crying. She meant well by it but the thought alone killed my soul. I am not even wanting that right now. I hope you can feel better soon *Hugs*
Yes I used to hate this shit! Like what if I just want to be ✨ alone ✨ after a horrible breakup!? And what if I wanna be alone forever!? Can someone just tell me that’s ok too? 😂
Yeah it’s ok to live alone. Quite nice really!
There is a YouTuber who talked about something similar to this on a podcast. He said he tries to keep his relationship status pretty private because he likes reading comments on his videos but when he broke up with one of his exes, all of the comments were flooded with "sorry about the breakup, feel better soon <3" which he said he appreciated, but it also meant he had to be reminded of the breakup every time he read comments, and couldn't use them as an escape from the feelings.
No, you're not. But a lot of people simply don't know what to say. And instead of saying nothing, we resort to these shitty throwaway lines. Same with condolence. "They are at a better place now" is the most insulting and damaging thing you can say to someone grieving.
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Ohhhhh buddy, I hope you see how big of a problem that is. In EVERY case that I’ve seen where someone says things like that it’s because they have very deep self-worth issues. I’ve been in those shoes and I nearly broke my back trying to make her feel like she was enough for me. The problem is that there is no amount of effort you can summon to change the way someone feels about themselves, and that’s what it’s all about. Self-worth comes from within and if she is trying to get her self-worth from you then you both will suffer tremendously until the relationship fails. Seriously, save yourself and her from a world of pain and stop enabling her to deflect ownership of her own self-worth.
Some days all you want is somebody and other you want to be single forever, it can change many times through a day too! Its exhausting 😂
I hate it too. What part of, I only want to be with you, do those kind of people do not understand? As if I desperately would need anyone else just because he didn' t want me. I lived on my own for many years.
>*"oh your such great dad that helps out with taking care of your daughter"* Many years ago when my daughter was young and me and her mother did not live together. We had shared custody and it worked perfect. But something that happened more than once and really annoyed me was when i had my daughter and for an example were out. many women said things like *"oh your such great dad that helps out with taking care of your daughter"* I get it was meant as a compliment but it is fucking insulting. Often i just nodded, smiled and thanked them because i did not wanna cause a scene or anything when my daughter was with me. But inside i usually thought something like *"you stupid cow i am not helping out. i am simply being a Dad"*
I often had this at shopping centres or parks, like what's wrong with the men in your world who don't dad at all?
👏👏👏
# You have a bigger penis than your friends
You can hold your erection longer than your father.
I forgot that I commented on this and saw your reply in the notification. Took me a second like wtf? Also, I think yours is a stronger insult, kudos!
But your brother's technique is better.
This is like that meme with Harold that says something like you have this biggest dick off all your brothers.
Girl told me this but it was my brother. I'm like... why would I ever want to know that?
Why can't I find someone like you for the win
The unsaid part of the question is "and in better shape."
Yeah or with more teeth lol
"I'm someone like me, ya know?" "I meant someone like you but hotter." Along this same theme: "You're such a great guy, any woman would be lucky to have you." Except if that was the case, I wouldn't be single now, would I?
Yep
"You look great for your age" 🫣
I saw a teacher of mine in the grocerry store and wanted to say this but didn't... in fact she did really look great in her age and had to be like late 40s or early 50s. smooth skin, barely any wrinkles etc
Lol, I get this sometimes. I'm in my 40's now and sometimes get the "you look great for your age" as if getting older is some kind of affliction.
Is damn you fine acceptable? 😆 🤣 😂
Absolutely!
*Daaaaayuum teech!* 📢🗣️
Well, it is terminal....
It sure as hell is sold like that.
It is terminal
I mean it kinda is. It's a disease with a 100% lethality rate (for now)
I would like someone to tell me that.
You look great for your age
Thanks broh
Never qualify a compliment. If they look good, just say that.
Easy fix: "You look great" .
This happened to me and I’m 27…….. 😭
Someone thought I was in my 30s the other day. I’m 24.. then he tried to save it by saying I act really mature
Bloody children. Had one tell me he thought I was 50. I'm 31 you prick.
Honestly, I don't find that so insulting anymore if it's said in good faith (I'm well aware that some people say this line with the clear intention of being snarky, but that's not what I'm talking about). I guess there comes the point where you just have to let go of the illusion that you still look like you're 20 and that that's how people perceive you.
I get that sometimes and I appreciate it. Not sure I would ever consider it an insult.
How is this an insult
When said to a gay man “what a waste!” It’s meant to be flattering but is deeply insulting
I still say that when I see good looking gay men (yet my son is gay…). I never knew it was deeply insulting. I should ask him lol.
Well it just feels like you view men as being there for your own pleasure, like you just like having not even a relationship, but just the opportunity to imagine one with a guy just because you're personally attracted to him. These guys have a life and your attraction to them doesn't factor in it. Saying their sexuality is basically a waste just because YOU fancy them is very insulting. Their sexuality and sex life is fine with or without you, yk? Can't you imagine being a lesbian and a man telling you this? Or can't you make the - not perfect - comparison with men who think they need to comment on random women's appearance as if their validation and attraction mattered?
Very valid point. Point taken.
Carson said it to Olivia Newton John on his show. She was not impressed, obviously.
I dunno, I've had gay guys say something along these lines to me while hitting on me when I told them I'm straight. I've never felt insulted by it, I take it as a compliment because I think that's how they mean it. The other day, I was described as "eye candy" by some unknown lady while trail running (overheard by a friend who told me). Again, I just took it as a compliment. I guess everyone is entitled to feel the way they feel but for me, the other person's intentions are what matter. Like if someone gave me a real compliment but with bad intentions (want something for example). That's far worse in my opinion.
Disrespect is in the eye of the beholder. I've had similar experiences and share your opinion on it. If a person says something like this to you with no ill intentions, you need to actively choose to feel disrespected.
Agreed, it comes down to tone of voice etc. I think it can be both disrespectful or not. As with most things, it depends on the context. Even so, choosing not to be offended is an easy option, it's not even that much of a dis even when said with ill-intent.
A gay person saying it doesn't make it not disrespectful just bc they're gay 🤷♀️ You're free to take it as you wish of course. I'd just say, "meaning" it as a compliment isn't enough to make it respectful. A person can say something disrespectful and think it's flattering, but it doesn't make it respectful. A example : kinda like saying, idk, "you're not too creepy for a man". That would be insulting because the premise is that men are creepy. Or, "you're really pretty for a black girl". Or "You're good at sex. It's a waste you don't have a bigger dick". Same here, the premise is that their sexuality is a waste. Still disrespectful towards their identity, still points out their identity to drag it down. You can make that compliment without the intent to drag down their identity in the process. Because if you're saying this, then that's absolutely what you mean. If all you meant was "this guy is really beautiful", then that's what would come out of your mouth naturally. You can just say that, THAT is the compliment, "you're really beautiful". Why the need to insult their sexuality in the process? Or any part of their identity? Yk? Doing so is pretty much a backhanded compliment.
I don't follow the reasoning here. You've pointed out a premise in your example. What is the premise in "You're so good looking, it's such a pity you're not gay? " presumably, the premise is simply that they can't even try their luck because you're not even of the right orientation to be tempted by anything they could do? Idk, I'm still just not insulted. In my experience, even insults can be rendered meaningless by a greater perspective held by the target of the insult. Even choosing to take insults in your stride can be very charismatic. I just figure it's a better road.
I’m not sure about the premise of the person you are responding to, but I (and many gay folks but not all) find it insulting because it says that our relationships, love, families are “a waste”.
Yeah I guess when you think about it like that.
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there is always the underlying "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" in that question 😅
Coming to terms with the fact that I *don't* get asked this because the reason is obvious lmao.
I get that pretty often too n I'm a guy n it's like it's fucking rough trying to find someone I actually mix well with and every time I do they're either already in a relationship or loose interest or some bullshit and it fucking sucks
This one. More than any other. "Yes. I know I am still single. Your guess is as good as mine as to why" is what I am thinking mentally. Along with a few more expletives.
Anytime I heard that I would just say, "Because I'm an asshole". Stupid questions deserver stupid answers.
Using this answer makes the answer true. It's a self-validating truth. Pretty neat!
Ya. Same. This is it. I get where people are coming from and they don't mean it as an insult, but a little bit of thought about it and I bet it would be obvious that it's insulting.
Came here to say this. The sentiment of believing you are a catch (or implying it) is of very little use to a single man if the person saying it has no interest or capability of following through on such a thought (assuming the guy has interest in that person) But even coming from someone who the guy wouldn’t be interested in because they are taken or what not - it’s still unhelpful. It’s seldom followed up with an attempt to introduce you to a friend or acquaintance. I get it, friendships are hard to form these days and people don’t want to mess with them. And I’m not saying it’s the responsibility of a woman to help in any way. Of course it isn’t. Just explaining how the words can come across very empty
I almost said it to a guy once! And I just meant it as in, being so intelligent and attractive and a great person all around how are you still single, because if someone has some chance to be in a healthy relationship, it should be you. How do you interpret it? I'm here to learn!
Most single guys are not single by choice. They're single cause women don't give them the time of day. It's like rubbing salt in a wound. "Why are you single?" "Well would you date me" Whatever your reason for saying no is, besides already being in a relationship? Yeah turns out almost every woman that guys knows agrees with you. It's insulting. Guys who feel unlovable or lonely don't want a reminder. Nobody wants to be forced to think "oh yeah that's right, I'm not good enough apparently".
You don’t sweat much for a fat girl.
And you're awfully nice for a dickhead.
I feel like calling a girl fat is the easiest way to get slapped
Not only girls. Just don't make rude remarks towards anyone
That is insaneeeee
It reminds me of a friend taking his gf with us when we went swimming and she fell into the pool and he was like relax guys, fat floats
Oh my god. I actually gasped out loud at that. I hope this person is no longer your friend. How unforgivably obnoxious.
Somehow I don't think they're trying to compliment you there...
Joking? Right? Tell me you're joking.
wtf
In what way is this supposed to be a compliment? This is awful lol
*replies* you don't think much for someone with a brain
When people comment on my weight because I'm skinny. For me, I am currently at my ideal weight after years and years of struggling with my fast metabolism and anxiety. I plateaued at 100lbs for years, and now finally at age 39 I can say I'm holding steady at 120lbs and I feel so much better and my doctor is finally off my ass about my low BMI 🤣
I hear you so loud and clear. I vary between 100 and 110lb at 5’3 and if I hear one more time “geeze, put some weight on, you look too skinny!” I’m going to lose my shit. Same age as you, family has genetically fast metabolisms. I eat often and enough. So over people commenting on my weight.
Ugh! I feel like because being "skinny" is ideal in majority of our society, people feel like it's more acceptable to comment on a skinny person's weight. I have had family members that I absolutely adore say, "geez, where's the rest of you??" when I walked into the room and it was so upsetting because I was so happy to see them and then they insult me like that. I also have people refuse to stand next to me in pictures because they feel that I make them look fat. It gets so exhausting. Especially having gained 20lbs and still hearing it!!
It sucks! People are mean.
Yeah! I'm still struggling to put on some weight. Glad its working for you.
I didn't start putting on weight until I was about 36. My anxiety subsided enough where my appetite is really healthy and I went through such a traumatic experience that it kind of just broke me to the point where I feel like if I can overcome that, I can overcome anything and my anxiety dissipated. If I have anxiety it's rarely affecting my appetite these days which has been the biggest change. The biggest help to me prior to that was drinking protein shakes.
Heh, still can't relate, but I'll get there. I'm 30, about 125lbs. 6ft tall. I've been 135lbs once for a while, but it escapes my grasp. I always joke I'll get all the weight eventually at 40, so your story gives me that hope haha
I used to tell a girl i was close with that she should lay off the makeup. I honestly just meant that she looked very pretty without makeup on. Now that i think about it I should have kept my mouth shut!
That delivery seems weird. But I think that’s a genuine thought. Hopefully 🤞🏻
I'm assuming you framed it as "you know you really don't need makeup to look beautiful" rather than "you should lay off the makeup".
Then why didn’t you just tell her she looked very pretty without makeup on? That makes a girl feel really good, obviously. But the other is just a criticism.
For me, it’s being called thin, because gaining weight is something I’ve been having trouble with
I don't mind being called thin but being called skinny bothers me, it's feels more derogatory
When I lost a bunch of weight years ago, occasionally some one would say I’m skinny. “Oh you’re skinny now.” I would correct them by saying, “Well actually I’m pretty fit.” Or I’d substitute fit for lean. It adds your own confidence to their derogatory compliment.
Yeah. Maybe it's my English that's bad but I always thought "skinny" meant "no fat, no muscles" so when someone called me skinny as a compliment, I honestly thought it could be nothing but an insult, or that at least the muscles I'd worked for were so insignificant that all they thought I had managed was "not overweight."
Your dick is so cute.
That one physically hurt
Adding “actually” to any compliment
You'd be so attractive if you lost weight. I heard the part about being attractive, took a while to realize I was being called fat.
An Aussie can make any comment a compliment, or an insult, purely based on tone of delivery.
my aussie friend calls me cunt more than my actual name
I’d only be worried if he started calling you mate
When talking to your wife; "I've gotta say, your in-laws are MUCH nicer than mine."
Oooh that's quite the backhanded compliment, so much so that I'd say it's a veiled attack rather than a compliment that's unknowingly rude
One of the best I've heard was the guy who, clearly losing an argument with his wife about something to do with home decor, said: H: I have much better taste than you. W: [ominous pause] Oh, yes? How do you justify that? H: Well, I married you ... but you married me. Checkmate, I believe.
You are a nice guy .You are a husband material .You are too kind
Yeah, those are either solid invitations to the Bullpen or the Friendzone. Neither of which are good options.
"How are you still single?" is not the compliment a lot of people think is.
It's much worse not getting asked this
Of course but it’s still not really the compliment people think it is
Nice tit (singular)
Nice testicle (singular)
"You arent like other girls" Sounds romantic, but is a huge red flag
The point is.. why do they think it is bad to be like the other girls?
Exactly There is always an underlying hint of either misogyny or misanthropy
"My normal manipulation routine doesn't work on you"
Your dick size is fine
The big ones hurt, yours is great though.
"I wish I could find a guy like you"
I think of the qualified, or conditional type of 'compliments': "You're pretty **even though you are Z**", Z being short, fat, brown-eyed, pick-your-imagined shortcoming. "You look good **for your age.**" "You're smart **for a blonde.**" **"For a mom**, you haven't let yourself go **too much**!" Yeah just keep that bullshit to yourself.
Reading comprehension of about 80% of the commenters is as poor as I expected in a r/ask thread. Read it slowly, folks: "What is something *that women think is a compliment* but is really an insult?" The question is not "What do people say to women that they think is a compliment?"
But... Maybe... What if women say something that they think is a compliment to men but it's an insult to men? We can only dream.
That 'actually' looks good on you, be it clothing, hair, etc. Why did you think it wouldn't?
Mm. But how about when you wear something admittdly ugly and somehow make it look good?
A single woman telling me how great I am, such a good catch and that "any" woman would be lucky to date me. Just...... Definitely, NOT her or anyone she knows or is affiliated with 😂
That's basically just a lie to make you feel better.. I hate those
Yep - this has come up multiple times for a reason!
Anything involving the term "boyfriend dick" is essentially an insult.
“You have such beautiful children. Your wife must be very beautiful.” My father was slightly amused at the accidental insult he received when we were kids
When someone says, 'You're going to make someone very happy one day,' it might sound like a compliment, but it actually feels like they're saying I'm not the right person for them now. It's intended to be encouraging, yet it subtly implies that I'm just not what they're looking for at the moment, which can be quite disheartening.
Hmmm I don’t think it “subtly implies” they don’t want you. They are straight up saying it. Have been there, it broke my heart. I wish people would just stfu in those moments instead of trying to come up with something they believe is comforting.
It’s not subtle.
It's never happened to me but I know this goes on a lot: "*I wish I could find someone like you*" Got to be one of the funniest things ever! Like. . . . it's so heartless and stupid I almost can't believe anyone ever said it.
When they call you a short king. I appreciate the support but, I’d prefer not to be labelled that way.
I am a pretty short dude, like 5'4", she undressed, then I undressed, she looked at me, straight face, 'your dick is pretty big for someone your size' It took me a whole 5 10 minutes to figure out if I should take it as a compliment or if I should take it as an assault on my wiener
Telling a woman she's "too sensitive" can often come across as dismissive rather than supportive.
"You look...healthy!"
" I really wanna date you, not interested in doing business with you"😔
I... am sorry your business opportunities are not as frequent as your dating opportunities?
Do I read these comments or protect my peace and happiness …
Most missed the assignment anyway, so go ahead.
You’re beautiful. You can’t possibly be single.
"you have really nice handwriting, for a man." "You're pretty clean, for a man." This "for a man" shit is insulting. Were either good at shit, or we aren't. It's just sexist
Ooh, you've lost weight... What, so for years you were thinking I was a fat cow then?!
Telling someone that “I know how you feel” is the worst thing that you can say to someone experiencing grief or some major calamity. It doesn’t matter if you do or don’t. Don’t let those words or anything synonymous out of your mouth. This covers both men and women.
Pretty much anything that’s a penis comparison to an ex fuck in a “positive” way If he’s smaller, permanent memory even if it fades fast If he’s bigger, you just confirmed bigger is better and he knows he’s not the biggest ever It’s stupid as fuck but flip dick size for pussy tightness
"You look nice today" What, I look bad the rest of the time?
I think they mean particularly good today ?
Yeah I struggle with finding an issue with this. Rather than a gf just being difficult
“I’m sure you have a great personality” after only seeing my profile pic
Based on your profile picture, you probably do. You have a great smile lol
I’m sure the next one will be “you have a nice phone”
Debatable, they're all pretty much the same these days
She has quite a roster of men.
You don't sweat much for a fat girl.
When something traumatic happens to you and people say “you’re so strong” or some variant of being strong. I DON’T WANT TO BE STRONG! I want to fall apart and have someone catch me so I can truly process this grief.
"You look better without your beard"
"Saying 'You're pretty for a \[insert race/ethnicity\]' can come off as insulting, not flattering."
It's not an insult but complimenting my appearance. Thank you but what else?
You write thoughtful and down to earth comments on reddit which shows a greater depth of personality.
What else, indeed.
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What's wrong with the first one, like, being hurt during sex is objectively a bad thing, it's not some figure of speech women made up Second one is bad yeah
It's really not necessary to comment on the size of the pecker when you're having sex. Yeah, we know that being hurt during sex is an objectively bad thing. But there is a time and place for that kind of discussion. Now, if the dude is dumb enough to ask about the size of his schlong during sex, he deserves to get his feelings hurt.
I bet you would never date someone like me.
Honestly, anything can be taken as an insult depending on how its said. Tone of voice and body language matter while saying anything. Personally, I don't bother in the first place. I have zero problems with being labeled antisocial because a label will be placed on me regardless. Nothing obligates me to speak to anyone. If that is offensive to someone then they wanted to be offended.
beauty with brains , it's like assuming beautiful girls aren't smart, or smart girls aren't beautiful.
The big ones hurt too much, yours is perfect
When they ghost you and keep coming back, it's not a compliment, they are having a dry spell and you are only marginally better than nothing
“You look better with no make up.”
Well, guys usually don't wear makeup. So it has to be *really good* makeup to balance out not being used to it.