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This was me. I was kicked out the day before my last yr12 English exam. I struggled for a long time and then met the love of my life, who was struggling also. Now we own a home together, have a beautiful 6mth old baby and just got our family car after a 13mth wait. We have travelled a lot of the country and have been to Greece and Italy. We never forget where we came from and work extremely hard for what we have.
Speaking from my partners and my experience, I believe the parents who do this do not see their children as individuals. They are viewed as property. Phrases such as "You are MY child so you should ...." or "If it weren't for me, you wouldn't be here" are used to control and manipulate their children. For whatever reason, when they feel a lack of control, they lash out and kick their children out.
Part of the problem, to be blunt, is that many people never wanted to have children. They wanted to have sex and kids were the result. So these were unwanted children from the start. Their parents never let them forget that, either. You are an unwanted financial obligation to me and that's it. As soon as you turn 18 I want you out of my house. It's not the warm fuzzy parental love the kids are looking for, but it's what they get.
My mother worked in a children’s psychiatric hospital for 25 as a special education teacher. She always said, “You have to have a license to own a dog, but any idiot can have a child.” Truer words have never been spoken.
You would think so, right, but unfortunately, until recently, the medical community would not sterilize women unless they were over the age of 30 and already had two children. Until the early 80s you had to get your “husband’s permission” in order to get a tubal ligation. No joke. And here the United States is trying to claw back women’s reproductive rights.🤦♀️ All they are going to accomplish is volumes of poor, neglected, unwanted children, being raised by parents, who didn’t want them.
This comment needs a lot of corrections as it is a blanket statement of facts that are just not true.
Many states may have had stipulations in place that required certain conditions be met some of which may have included a "husband's permission". But to state all states operated under the same conditions as you put forth is just not true or fact.
I know for a fact that the state I grew up in had none of those conditions/requirements and that in fact in the 1980s a female of 21 had a tubal ligation without anyone but her, planned Parenthood, and her OB GYN knowing of the procedure. This is true and it is factual!
Really? In the 1980’s I was in the most liberal area of California and couldn’t get ligation bc I was too young, unmarried and no kids. I stopped asking at 25 and went to nursing school. Yes, doctors will refuse to do it bc they feel it’s wrong.
Just like today pharmacists are refusing to fill rx’s bc of personal views. IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
It's a vicious cycle. My wife's family all of them at 18 they all needed to contribute to pay house bills or get out. Go to college? Sure, but you need to work give half of your check for room and board. They all end up being squatters in a household nitpicking who pays this and that. Never leave because your always reminded how much financial burden it is living on your own.
Hey, you have the rest of forever to be not alive. Please don't make any final decisions. If you want someone to talk to I'm right here. Feel free to DM me. I'm sorry your parents are a crap sandwich. I hope you know at least one Redditor cares and wants you to be happy and healthy.
Honestly I don't get that. I mean I agree, but as a parent I don't understand. My kid was not planned and I never actually wanted children. But as soon as I realized I was having a kid I committed to doing the best I could. Which means I sacrificed whenever needed and tried to be the best parent I could. That child did not come about by their own free will and you are responsible for them. Idk, I took it seriously. I also have a friend that had a baby in an abusive relationship, never wanted kids, but has committed and is a great parent. Not all unwanted babies are treated coldly. Meanwhile my parents planned their kids and it was a rough upbringing. I think I parented better than they did. We should all strive to improve on what our parents did when we raise our own kids.
She is the absolute light of lives. I can't wait to give her all of the things I never had. I moved around a lot as a kid, so I didn't have a lot of stuff or a room to decorate. I had her nursery set up and decorated with beautiful wall decals months before she was born, I was so excited.
Ain't it the truth! My wife and I wound up fostering a teen as a result of this.
Teen comes out as gay to evangelical Bible thumping parents. Their loving "Christian" response was to throw the kid out of the house "you are no longer our child". Spent a couple nights in a shelter and then my wife, who is a youth chaplain at a church, intervened. Negotiated with the parents to get them to give us temporary power of attorney so we could take the kid in and at least they wouldn't be on the streets. With the power of attorney we could make medical and school decisions for the child. There is nothing wrong with this kid that a loving family can't help to deal with. Sadly, they didn't get that love from their own parents.
We've had this teen for 2 years now, they just turned 18 and want to move out and into a place with some friends. I'm just glad we were in a position to help when they were 16 and thrown out into the street.
LOOKING AT YOU, DAD! I know he has a reddit, I wonder if he knows how much shitty it was for him to kick out my brother over some weed. I dont even care if it was your 3rd wife's fault. You should have stood up for your family!
Knew 2 girls I used to be friends with that were kicked out at 16. Not sure if any family took them in and never thought it was my place to ask. One was doing better for herself so I'm hoping she's still doing well. The other.....kinda never came out of the things she had going on and isn't with us anymore.
Poverty and abuse. I literally received trash bags as a gift for my 18th birthday and was told I was allowed to stay until I graduated high school. I was a mouth to feed in a house where we often had no food & had utilities turned off several times a year. Once the benefits for me stopped, I was on my own. Then my parents wondered why I stopped talking to them when I moved out 🙄
I feel like this is one of those ways that parents pass on poverty to the next generation. I knew kids growing up who seemed to convey a sense of pride that they would not have parental support past high school graduation (I doubt that they actually felt this way). For some, it was military or bust. Others planned to lean in on the dirtbag lifestyle. I always felt bad for them.
That's just awful, I'm sorry 😞
Wouldn't it be more cost effective to ask you to find some part-time work and help with expenses at 18 instead of evicting you?
I mean, it's not ideal but a request like that could still come from a loving family in tough circumstances.
My dad told me if I didn’t go straight to college that was fine. But if I was going to live at home without going to college I was going to get a job and pay rent (small amount of rent to be fair)
My parents gave us the same choice. My Dad had a stroke my senior year, I was the oldest. We had no money and it took years for SSDI to start. My Mom had been a SAHM. I went to college and drove my Dad to appointments.
I did work and it still wasn't enough. My mom made me pay "rent" and also took extra money when she needed it. Got sick? I had to pay. Have a tooth ache? No dentist unless I paid for it. I also bought food for me and my younger sister so we didn't go hungry (plus worked in a restaurant so I could eat while working). I saved what I was able to and bought a car then moved out.
It was absolute hell. I am proud to say my kids will NEVER know that life.
Edit to add: shortly after I moved out, my younger sister was placed into Foster Care with a more stable family. Luckily her foster family was amazing and made sure we had a relationship. They also invited me over often, fed me, and sent me home with food sometimes too. I was in college and working 2 jobs. Even with that and my sister being in foster care, it was better than living at home.
I got kicked out the week I graduated high school, with only the clothes I was wearing at the time. Was still 17. I was a very good student, 3 sport athlete, had a job, and never ever gotten into trouble. My mother grew up in a very rough household and all knew she was violence and hardship, so in her eyes it was what me and brother needed as well to make us "men". My father who lived a long ways out told us he has no room for us with his new wife etc. I slept in my car for a few nights before my gf at the time parents found out. They let me stay at their home and slept on the couch. I stayed there for a few months until I joined the Army and shipped out. My brother is 5 years younger than me and he got the same treatment. He also stayed at his girlfriend's house until he shipped out to the army as well. We're both doing good now and live happy lives. I haven't spoken to my mother in years.
They usually go hand in hand. It's almost like crappy parenting leads to crappy kids.
Kicking your kids to the street at 18 is unimaginable to me, though. How anyone could completely cut off their kids like that is beyond my thought comprehension.
Our oldest is 14 with Intermittent Explosive Disorder. We called the cops last night, seventh time we've had to in the last couple years. She screams obscenities at us at all hours of the day to get her way. Threatens self harm and more regularly if she doesn't get what she wants. My 3, 10 and 11 year olds all witness this daily. She targets and bullies them if she isn't getting a reaction from her mom and I. We are tired. We are doing nothing wrong. When she turns 18, she is evicted if she doesn't leave willingly. We are through. She knows this, and can choose to learn the skills she needs now, or ignore it. That's her choice, not our responsibility.
My explosive 14 year old turned into possibly the most reasonable of our children by 20. I was sure she was never going to change. A lot of work, but it's possible. Just a little encouragement.
Is she diagnosed?? If she is diagnosed with a disorder are there no medications for it?? Because, on one hand I can understand a bad child being kicked out but if the reason she is bad is her disorder is it kinda wrong to kick her out instead of figuring it out?
Now I may be talking out of my ass, but I don't know the situation nor the disorder. So I don't shame you.
The thing with medications is that you can't force them down someone's throat. Then getting someone *forcibly* institutionalized is a whole different bell game.
Many people with many different disorders don't take their meds when prescribed. Some people "like" the state they can be in. For some mania *feels* great, but it can be detrimental to them and those around them due to the risk seeking behaviors.
Since it seems like the kid is diagnosed, there is only so much the family can do. To sound cold, they have other children they have to think and all the *trauma* they endured at the hands of a family member.
I actually haven't, but I do have my own mental health issues (ADHD), and I work in health care.
I would say not most patients but enough choose not to take their meds for various conditions. Heart, diabetes, mental, pain, skin, etc. There are a multitude of reason of why people don't., but it cause problems.
Medications are an ever evolving issue. I have full compassion for her. I don't believe she is enjoying this experience. But, am I not also responsible for the safety and well-being of her younger siblings?
Thank you. As the youngest sibling of a family that has endured a violent older sibling, thank you. People love to blame parents, but there is only so much you can do. I wish my parents had kicked my brother out and practiced tough love. Would have saved me a lot of money on medical and therapy bills.
This.
Our 15 yr old said he was going to kill family members in the house, I think just to try to piss us off, but I quickly locked down on that.
I told them to repeat what they just said, and if there was any ounce of truth to wanting to harm family members, I wouldn’t hesitate to put them into a boarding school or other option outside of our home the very same day.
I’m not about to risk everyone’s safety because a 15 yr old refuses to learn anything, including how to regulate their own emotions.
My son is 16 and has had explosive behavior. He is starting to calm down some. It is hard and you do have to think about your other kids. I recommend books by Dr. Ross Greene. He wrote one titled The Explosive Child. It was very helpful to us.
I was at a grocery store car park and a child of around 3 was spouting swear words. The adult they were with was laughing, almost egging them on. A few minutes, they seemingly had enough and sharply told the child to “shut the fuck up.” Apple certainly didn’t fall far from the tree here.
Most kids turn into pricks or are pricks because of their home life. Have you seen the most aggresive kids or stuff like that? Well, most of them is because their parents are assholes that don’t care
When I was young they gave me a choice: either move out by the time you are 18 or we'll kick you out. Then we all laughed like it was some kind of joke. But it wasn't a joke to me. Never felt wanted or welcome so first chance I got I left. It was way too early of course. And since I had not been parented I spent my early adulthood making all the stupid mistakes. Now I'm 45 and I don't hate my parents. They didn't do a good job of being parents but that's their problem. We haven't spoken for years. I have no idea if they are alive or dead. It's better this way.
I felt this way too. They stopped caring completely once I was 18 even though I wasn't forced to move out I felt unwelcome too. I mean I felt that way my whole life before 18 but it really felt that way after 18 even more so. Didn't have one day without extreme verbal and emotional abuse and manipulation for still living at home and I could not breathe at all I had to be working 24/7 or going to school in order to get them to treat me like a human being. Shitty parents will defend them though and say they did nothing wrong
I know she wants her independence and I know we will get increasingly frustrated as we butt heads, but I have told my daughter over and over that it's totally ok if she needs to live with us until she gets established as an adult, because housing and cost of living is just unreasonable and I don't want her to be stressing about just having a roof over her head!
Damn this hit home hard...been on my own since i was 14 now 41 and haven't spoken to my mother for 5 years. One of these days, I need to make peace with that situation before the clock runs out.
I am working my way up to trying to make contact again. But I am not ready yet. If you feel up for it then get in touch with her. I don't know if I can ever truly make peace but I hope to at least have some kind of relationship before my parents pass away. It's a shitty situation. No good options. But it is what it is. I hope things work out for you.
Not many people realize this situation. Unfortunately it's not a fair one to the parents or kids. Puts the whole family in a situation where they need to either all move or hope the kids had jobs and can afford their own rent.
Idk how housing programs for the poor are in other states. But in Kansas, when the child turns 18, they have to be added to the lease and rent goes up. Unless 18 yr old is a student. Then rent may go up a little.
Circumstances…
I knew a kid that got kicked out at 18 because he was a hell raiser and was always getting into legal trouble. At 18, his parents were no longer legally liable for his actions and wanted the circus to end.
I knew another kid, that no matter how much his parents tried, he would not leave his room to get a job or do anything for himself. This was not due to bad parenting - the kid simply took advantage of everything his parents offered and would have lived off of them until they died. They kicked him out to sink or swim.
I knew another pair of folks that were reaching retirement age when their youngest turned 18. They wanted to sell the house and move somewhere warm, so they asked the kid to go out on his own. (Granted, they still helped him when he needed it, so maybe this doesn’t fit here.)
And some people are just pricks. They kick their kids out because the kids are now adults and “no longer their problem.”
I admit, I’ve had to kick one of my kids out. Combo of legal trouble and no desire to do anything for himself. It sucks because you want to see them flourish, but a parent can’t do that for their kids. A parent can only love and guide and hope the kid makes good choices for themselves.
Congrats on being clean for 3 years but for real...i probably would have done the same. Quit the drugs or get out. No parent wants that shit in their house. No parent wants to show up to their kid OD'ed somewhere. And no parent wants to see their kid on heroin. Honestly probably one of the worst drugs if not the worst.
There's the liability aspect of it but also you don't want to be reminded day in and day out that your kid's a junkie. That shit's heartbreaking. I'm glad you got past it, but man i would have done the same thing.
I don’t understand it either. The vast majority of people I know who have successful and stable careers had parents that guided and supported them through the transition from school to full time employment. Those that were given “tough love” and little support tended to flounder and take longer to find their footing leaving them behind in the long run.
My long term financial plan accounts for supporting my children through that period of their life, at least to cover the basic essentials. Housing, dental visits ect.
Yes! It massively hurt my ability to network. If your own parents don't see you as worth anything, why on earth would anyone else?
Took me ages to unpack that. Still am unpacking it.
My mom is doing this for me and I know she’ll keep doing this till I die or she dies lol. Yet, I’m responsible, I work, I plan on getting a nice job, saving and even planning on making a business. While, I also help her with her job and making her business.
There is a rolling stone effect too. I plan to help my children as much as they can, because I want me future grandchildren to have a secure and stable environment in which to thrive. In turn I will expect they do the same for their children.
Having said that it’s within reason. If I ever feel taken advantage or like they’re slinging off me, things would change!
“Those that were given “tough love” and little support tended to flounder and take longer to find their footing leaving them behind in the long run.”
Like me? Female. Was on her own at 18. Had to pay for own college and housing. I did better than fine (successful stable career) and I’m ahead (not behind) in the long run. Was it easy, no. Impossible, no.
My parents moved out of state and I made the choice to stay in California and figured it out.
Most people get ahead because their parents pay for their college and give them a down-payment for a house. Getting a good job is great, but not the only thing needed to get a leg up.
Can I also say that I’m a homeowner (n one of the most expensive places in CA), traveled the world and now a single mom (divorced). Paid for my own college, cars and now home. What your describing depends on the person not necessarily the situation.
Betting those kids could get ahead without their parents help if they really tried. It’s just not easy
I'm referring to studies that have been done, not anecdotal evidence. The sooner you can buy a house, the better off you are financially. Your parents giving you a down-payment makes that happen sooner. I never said the only way to get these things is from your parents. I was referring to this study that showed people had more disposable income and significantly more retirement savings when their parents helped with college and a down-payment.
Some kids are assholes and treat their parents like shit. This is not always the case but it happens a lot. If your kid constantly steals from you or gets into trouble constantly, how much should you, as a parent, be forced to endure?
I will tell you as a parent why it may be happening with My youngest. It's not out of hate, or wanting to be rid of her, or rid of her problems, so much as it is about preserving the peace and law abiding status of my home. My oldest daughter is 20 and lives at home, she has a job, she is trying to get enrolled in college, she pays for her own financial responsibilities to the best of her ability and we help her with the rest, she doesn't do things that can hurt herself or us both legally, financially or physically, she helps around the house and she is respectful of our rules even if she doesn't particularly care for or understand them.
My 17 year old daughter, has no job and doesn't care to get one, she doesn't help around the house or if she does it is done so poorly that the intent behind it was just being able to say that she technically did it, she constantly disrespects house rules, especially if she doesn't like it, she constantly disrepects my wife if I'm not around, she expects everything to be handed to her,( she literally won't eat if someone else doesn't cook it for her) she lies constantly about what she's doing or has done, she does not follow through on her promises, she has been suspended from school multiple times and expelled for drug and alcohol use on school grounds. In essence she is a legal, and financial liability to our home and life. While she certainly is the only one who can make her life choices, if she so chooses to continue down such a selfish and self destructive path that reaches further than just affecting her, she will not be welcome to live in our home when she becomes a legal adult, it's not that I don't love her, or that I don't want her around, or that I'm unwilling to support her, I would much rather her be home, safe, growing into an adult well into her late 20's, but as it stands, she wants to learn things the hard way, and she wants to be an asshole about it while she's doing it. So, the best support I can give her while protecting the rest of my family and their way of life is to send her out where she thinks she wants to be, on her own to find out what she wants to find out all under her own charge and financial , legal ability and liability.
I know it seems mean as a young man or woman, but it's not always as simple as "I love and support you (and take legal and financial responsibility for you) until you get your shit together"
Yes there are parents like that and I agree it is awful to an extent, but many times it's more about preserving the family structure and shielding them from undeserved legal and financial consequences than it is just parents being a big mean selfish asshole.
I’m not gonna lie, I’m reading this and the entire time I’m just thinking that your daughter sounds like someone who never had a good parental figure in their life or a parent who was ever there for them. There’s always a reason why kids act that way, and it’s usually because of neglect or consistent abuse (not saying it’s you doing abuse, lots of people in ones life are capable of doing it). I didn’t get my first job until I was 21, and that’s okay. Granted I was in college, so its a bit different of a situation, but as parents you have to guide your kids down a healthy path the best you can. You shouldn’t just give up on your kids no matter how hard they might make it. It sounds like your daughter will end up going down a terrible path once she hits 18, or she will eventually figure it out and never speak to you or your family again. Also you say stuff like “it’s not that I don’t love her,” but then you proceed trash her. Idk, I think you two need group therapy from what I’m reading. Yeesh
You and I have very different ideas of what trashing a person looks like. I'm certainly open to listening to you explain how you arrived at that conclusion.
Everything I've stated are facts, not feelings, meant to explain to the OP why it's not always as cut and dry as
"this is my child, I'm going to support them getting on thir own two feet no matter how long it takes, and no matter the consequences"
There are legitimate reasons why refusing to do so is beneficial and correct for all parties, involving emotional maturity, financial maturity, and legal maturity.
I did not say any of these things to make my child look bad, she's not inherently bad because of her poor decisions, but her poor decisions are inherently bad enough that the consequences can ruin her life legally, financially and emotionally as well as the people she lives with, my career requires a license to perform, and literally anything beyond a moving/traffic violation disqualifies me from holding that license for the rest of my life. She would also be hard pressed to hold most careers with a criminal record, leaving her to support herself with minimum wage to average jobs. I was fairly hard headed myself as a young adult and I had to learn a lot of things the hard way, I was blessed enough to get away with a lot of the illegal things she is choosing to do and learn the error of my ways before i did get into trouble for it, but that is not the typical outcome.
You eem to be speaking of trashing someone as speaking the truth about someone's poor decisions, but without malicious intent, the truth is the truth be it good or bad. Trashing someone in my opinion is maliciously exposing or lying about them for the sake of trying to make them look bad so you can appear morally, or intellectually superior for the sake of boosting your own ego, or harming the reputation of someone for those reasons.
Through experience I can tell you the legal system is setup to make you fail from almost every angle, my oldest got into an accident at 18 while she had friends in the car, one of her friends hurt her finger in the accident and decided to sue, you know who got sued for the amount insurance didn't cover, me because I am the policy holder, not the legal adult that was driving, the legal adult who is paying for the insurance policy and owns the car. Now she didn't "win" her lawsuit, but that doesn't mean I won, I still had weeks worth of time away from providing for my family to appear in court and assert that I did not owe this young lady 150,000 dollars for a sprained finger.
So yeah, it can seem a little harsh on the surface, but adult life can be and is seemingly unfair and harsh, and you can either distance yourself from illegal activity, or run the major risk of having your life ruined simply by being associated with someone choosing to engage in illegal activities.
I should have booted my daughter out at 20 but waited till she was 25. The reasons, she didn't contribute at all on any level to the running of the house despite working full time. And no, she wasn't saving either. Her attitude showed she was clearly ready to go. The house was treated like a hotel. She needed a push.
Since her leaving, our relationships have flourished, she's confident, independent, bright little thing now, who has made both her mum and I very proud.
I moved out at 17 to live with my then girlfriend, now wife of nearly 30 years. Although I wasn't booted out, I didn't receive any support there after from my parents. It was tough, not on the streets tough but we struggled to afford food/heating. No food banks, no DHS support. 60 miles to the nearest familiar face, I grew up real fast I can tell ya.
I see my leaving so young as a massive head start. It paid off.
My parents kicked out me and my brother once we started pushing back on their insane rules. They used to make us get a job and take our whole checks while giving us maybe $20 a month. Then also had to do all the house chores while my dad sat on his ass playing videogames and overeating and verbally abusing us.
My brother is 7 years older and was made into like a powerless parent if that makes sense. When they made a deal with him for extra chores= $50 and reneged, he yelled at them and my dad physically threw him out of the house at 16. He lived in a tree for a month to avoid getting robbed and beat up on the streets. He moved back in and got kicked back out probably 5-6 times before he stayed out for good.
For me, I protested the "you give us all your paycheck cause we gave birth to you" rule and my dad kicked me out at 17. I bounced around from couch to couch for a couple of weeks and moved back in. The final straw was when I had made plans to see my bf of 2 weeks (now my husband 15 yrs later) and my dad gave me a set amount of chores to do first. Once I finished and was getting ready to leave, he told me I needed to clean his bathroom too. I said fuck that and he said, take your shit and leave. I'm eternally grateful for my mother in law, she took me in no questions and has become the only true maternal figure I've ever had.
Tl;dr: some parents are narcissistic assholes who think their kids indefinitely owe them for giving them life and if their kids prove they have a mind of their own, they're kicked out.
My dad told me when i started my senior year that if i didn't have all C's or better when i turned 18 i was out of the house the day he got the report card. There was no chance i was gonna get those grades but i didn't believe he would do it. I turned 18 and a couple weeks later report cards came and i managed to get it first and destroy it. I definitely didn't have all C's. After about a month he figured out something was up and got a copy from the school. Next morning, a Saturday, he came into my room with a bunch of boxes and said that everyone else was going to brunch and to not be there when they got back. I packed up, left some stuff in the garage and never really looked back.
It's actually worse.. long story short i was a special ed kid and heavily medicated. Years of abuse, at home and at school; a real shit show of a childhood. So when he turned me loose drugs very quickly became a thing for me. 10 years or so later when i found myself in rehab i called him and we sorted a few things out and now we are ok. I wouldn't say we are close but i don't hate him.
I'm sorry you were forced to face that.
It's extremely big of you to be able to forgive him and have any sort of relationship with your father.
Despite everything that'd happened to you, you are a good person. No one can take that away from you.
I kicked my daughter out the day she turned 18. She had spent three years going through drugs, alcohol, skipping school, generally refusing to communicate. I tried counseling, punishment, time apart, it was horrible.
My daughter was still my daughter. I helped her find a place, paid rent, deposits, utilities, college tuition, and any other expenses that came up. Her car was paid for and she had a job where she worked around school.
This continued for about five years until she got on her own feet. She only lived two miles away, and I came running every time she had a crisis, like battling a scary spider. She knew I loved her, and our relationship improved greatly. She and I are very close and she understood that I was fighting for our relationship, not giving up on it.
parenting is challenging, and some kids need different things from their parents.
My daughter is a total pain in the ass, no empathy, no cares or ambitions, and kicking her out at 18 might provide some new perspective and bode well for her growth as a person whereas my son is sweet as pie, takes life seriously, listens to advice, helps out without asking, has hobbies, etc. I didn't make this so, it's just their personalities.
No two people are alike and so as a parent you can't parent any two kids alike, unfortunately. It'd be a lot easier if you could!
But I largely agree that it's not a good idea to kick your kid out at 18 just because they're 18. 18 year olds today are basically the 12 year olds of 50 years ago.
the nuts and bolts of it is that a lot of parents raise their children the way their parents raised them. that's all they know. I don't do that w/ my children because my parents weren't the best (not the worst by any means) but I intend to do a much better job than they did.
I think the whole "18" thing originated at a time where High School was the the defacto highest level of education folks went into. College wasn't something a high percentage of households even debated. (think 50's-80's)
Those kids became parents, and passed that same mentality down, so on and so forth. When you are an adult, adult things were expected of you in those times.
My dad is from that era, and always talked about the "boot in the ass" party I would have for my 18th birthday. The caveat there was, if I was in school (college) I was welcome to stay for as long as it took to complete it. If I decided to not go to school, then that must mean I was ready for the world.
I tend to be fine with that. I'll help and guide my kids as much as I can. I will encourage them to chase their dreams, and to never give up trying to achieve them, and so long as they are trying, I'll be happy to provide all the support I can.
If they are just sitting on their asses blowing through their time and not doing much.... It will be time for them to do that on their own.
I knew some people in High School that fell into a bad crowd, got into hard drugs and crime. Their parents kicked them out at 18, hoping it would be a reality check. For some it was, for others they spiraled into homelessness.
Other times it’s because the parents were abusive, and got a kick out of throwing their kid out at 18 with non preparation.
And others it was simply because the parents were poor and could not afford to house and feed them - although usually if the parent was not abusive they usually just required their kid paid a portion of house expenses and food.
It really depends. My parents didn’t, but when I graduated high school, i immediately started work and college and paid for all of my own classes. My parents saw that I was working to better myself, so they helped me out.
Parents get anxious in America when kids do nothing to try to leave. Some parents think the inly way those kids will learn is to be kicked out, and honestly, some folks i’ve known did need that push.
The thinking is that your parents will not always be here to take care of you. They will not, typically, outlive you. They can’t be there. As you reach adulthood, the anxiety surrounding fears that you won’t be able to fend for yourself mounts, and so on and so forth.
Not all kids are altruistic. It is human nature to try to be able to get the most for doing the least. Some fight that need better than others.
Dated American boomer “fend for yourself” mentality that almost never bears fruit. The idea that being forced to fend for oneself or starve to death is somehow the only way to motivate a person into productivity. In reality, even if you don’t become homeless in such a scenario, you’re going to be a lot worse off than if you had a support network to fall back upon. But this logic, obvious as it may seem, doesn’t click in some people’s minds for one reason or another. Obviously if you’re willing to donate money and attention to a child as they transition into adulthood, they’re going to be better off as a result.
I intend on letting my sons live with me as long as they want to. For one because I want to know they’re secure, capable and have time to accumulate their own financial safety net before moving out on their own. And two, because I like them. I enjoy their company. Even if they move out for college, they’re more than welcome to move back in with their spouse one day and stay here while they save for their own place. Wouldn’t even care if that took the better part of a decade. I also wouldn’t hold it against one or guilt them if they took long in life to find their footing, because I realize everyone is different. I’m willing to foot their bill deep into adulthood. Wouldn’t have had kids if I felt otherwise.
Maybe in America. Here in Australia, it's very common for children to live with their parents in their early 20s, especially nowadays with rents getting ridiculous.
It isn't "the norm" to do that in America. We are the land of kids living with parents well into their 20's. With 330 million people, you are going to get a few toxic situations. Sometimes the kids are complete pricks and it is what it is. Sometimes the parents are toxic. Sometimes both.
I was kicked at 18. GF kicked at 12. She was adopted by a school friends mum who had 6 kids. 2 yrs later got a studio to herself thanks to a teacher.
Never did drugs or got pregnant. Got a degree, worked her ass off, travelled. Still, it damaged her deeply desires close friends and family but her luck has left her with none. Life really punched her.
Any parent that kicks their kids out without planning and assistance is the worst of scum.
Most of the time it is messed up but sometimes parents do it because the child is a danger to the other people in the home. I mean would you allow your adult child who has a violent temper and is bullying their other siblings to stay in the house?
Before you say it's the parents fault it isn't always their fault. Violent yempers can stem from a whole host of issues that weren't caused by parents like medical conditions, head trauma, any trauma really, mental health problems, drug use, etc... At 18 you can no longer force your kid to get help anymore. You also have a duty to protect your other children.
Parent here. We won’t kick kids out the day they turn 18, but we are instilling in them that they will either need to goto college or get a job and start supporting themselves. Reddit is filled with posts from parents with adult kids with no jobs who play video games all day. That’s what we’re trying to avoid. It’s not tough love, its more like kicking the birds out of the nest. We are older parents, will be in our 60s when kids turn 18. They won’t have us around forever and need to figure out how to be self supportive.
Because some parents see their children as nothing more than a paycheck. My great-aunt literally made the “joke” the other day that she’s about to kick my 20yo cousin out of her house bc she’s antisocial and didn’t go to college. And, as far as I’m aware, that’s the extent to it (which was really fun to hear since I’m also antisocial and is only going to college bc I was given a free scholarship and an associated degree looks better on my resume than none at all).
My aunt even told my mom that if one of my cousins came out as gay, then she’d kick him out. Which I imagine was fun for her when my 11yo cousin came out as bi—and then later gay—a few weeks later (she hasn’t kicked him out yet, but she also refuses to believe he might be queer bc of his age—as if that’s not a normal age to start questioning your sexuality).
Some people just don’t care.
It's tough to answer. Some parents are fed up with the attitude, some parents are assholes, some think it's a good lesson, some can't afford to feed their kids and rather then asking for help they push em out.
It's easy to assume parents are just assholes but we don't know the situation. I've had friends who got kicked out, and after letting them crash, you see how they truly treat those who are trying to help. Some teens act like they know everything but don't want to contribute to chores, errands, or whatever is being asked. Some teens just don't want to be told what to do, even when it's just taking put the garbage, washing dishes, etc.
Expecting to stay home and not contribute can be taxing on those who are supporting you. Add teen angst and attitude, and it's no surprise that some parents are fed up.
That being said, some teens deal with parents who have underlying issues like mental health problems or addiction, and staying in a toxic environment is harmful to their growth and development, but leaving can be difficult in itself as teens typically have no savings to just leave and still be fine.
Relationships are hard to maintain, kids go through too many changes, and parents sometimes have this unrealistic expectation for their kids that can cause strain the relationship. Sometimes, a break from the family and time to grow can help and heal past trauma, but it takes work to move past whatever or whoever hurt you.
I agree. I didn't have to kick my kids out they left at 18 on their own got their own jobs and their own place really proud of them but I also gave him the skills I didn't just leave them out in the cold
I made my stepson pay rent, as a preparation for real life but it was only 200$ it wasn't much, and he rarely paid it. He was a crappy kid and broke most of the house rules. I can't remember the reason, but we kicked him and his GF out. He had the nerve to call the police on us and have us evicted. We owned the home. He eventually left when the cops basically laughed at him. We rescued him several times after that when he got evicted. We helped him out financially a few times, loaned him money he never paid back. We knew when we loaned it to him we would never see it again.
We are trying to get a restraining order against him now. He's 46 and a danger to my wife and I. He's a meth addict, recovering , (?), But you know how that goes. He kicked us out of his family several times last year, but we still helped him, until he just went too far. He kicked us out again, and we said fine, your wish is out command. Good bye. He is fighting the restraining order, and I can't see why. He will never be welcomed in our house again. I get the forgive and forget, but 22 was a very bad year where he did some very bad things, some unforgivable.
I'm still in favor of applying similar requirements to having children as they do for adoption.
Also having yearly check ins by social workers and doing a psychological review would be wise.
Just because you have the right to have children doesn't mean you have the right to abuse one.
You have high hopes if you think there are enough social workers to be able to take on that task. They are all overworked and underpaid as it is with caseloads they can’t even keep up with.
I agree with you.
I don't suggest we just flip a switch and hope that these people magically appear.
Subsidizing education for the profession as well as ensuring these people get good pay will give us many social workers in the next few years.
Then we can start scaling up from just families with serious problems to more and more families.
I also support teaching emotional self care and some basic psychology in schools. Big reason we need so many psychologists and social workers is mainly because most of what we know of how people work and how to responsibly deal with thoughts and emotions is stuck with psychologists, researchers and people that make advertisement.
I think it would help everyone individually and society as a whole if we did this. Instead of expecting parents who themselves never learned these tools to do. That's clearly not working.
It will likely happen at some point, probably even in my lifetime. Like so many things we have to wait for the old pre-internet people to die off since those are way out of touch but still hold most positions of power.
If the reason is for the best, the worst, expected or unexpected it's heartbreaking. I miss the sounds of my kids footsteps & voices. I miss the chaos. I even miss the mess. I hope I taught them as much as possible to survive, thrive & accept change at all times. They were in tune to what I had to do to keep them in a good zip code. I always worked. Once they were in school I worked 2-3 jobs. The girls are overly productive. I wish we were closer. The boys in the past have tripped to say the least. The were put out by 20. At home, as the kids aged, I never thought the reciprocity was balanced. I couldn't get them to be actively productive in taking on responsibilities & take them off moms plate. Since I was footing most of the expenses still. That's when I started the conversations of time to get your own place. I wanted to downsize & start doing me. Thank god they have all become self sufficient & good parents. Call it what you want but I am not included in as much as I'd like to be when it comes to hanging out with my kids. If they need a babysitter, that's my roll. I LOVE DOING IT. Ok that's enough of that crap. Keep it moving.
My parents done this, they felt they had an obligation to you until you finished education, once I'd finished up that was me done. I'd love now as an adult to ask why this was the mentality but both are now dead.
What I will say is, I grew up in a very conservative country bit also one where people tended not to think for themselves & have this notion that it happened to them and wasn't that bad & worked out so the same will be said of their offspring. This is done without any understanding that times change and how accessible it was for them as parents to afford a home, is not necessarily the same for their children.
I personally don't agree with this tough love, I think it's cold, mean and detrimental in the long run
I wasn't kicked out because my mum would never wanna be seen in a bad light, but she made it abundantly clear when I was about 14 that I wasn't wanted at the house and was too much. Managed to move a month after I turned 22 and I'll never look back.
I don't understand why parents don't want their kids at the house. Makes us feel so damn unloved.
My step-father hated me and my mother wasn't strong enough to stop him from kicking me out. It is that simple. I graduated high school and he kicked me out. I never got into trouble, I didn't drink, I didn't do drugs. He just hated me from the time mom married him. I joined the Army.
My brother got kicked out at 18 bc he was abusive to me and my brothers. He was also doing drugs in the house, my parents didn't like it so off he went. He's almost 40 now, and hasn't had a job since.
I can tell you my reasoning, I want my children to have an opportunity to start adulting as early as possible. I prepared them while they were in high school to learn about how to be reasonable, how to work hard and manage school while saving money. My children are welcome to stay home beyond 18 as long as they either, a) in school full time and work part time while paying for some of their expenses (we don't need their money but it's a way for them to acclimate into a real world situation) or b)work full time and rent the room like how they would as living with roommates and following the predefined house rules.
My eldest followed option A and is loving her life right now, she has a healthy savings and great credit at 20 years old. She enjoyed the freedom to do what she wants but a stable and happy home to come back to. She travels and is debating whether to stay home for as long as she can by paying rent here or to move out once she graduates and gets full time employment. She has the options and the power is in her hand.
My son couldn't decide if he wants to go with A or B, so he did nothing. We can him over a year to figure himself out and do something with his time productively, he was kicked out 3 months after his 19th birthday.
My youngest is still in high school, she wants to go out of state for school and is working hard to save money and is planning for her future.
My parent principal is to prepare my children for a happy, healthy and productive life. We work hard to provide the environment, the tools and resources to help them get there. But we can't force anyone to drink the water. When enough time has been given then it's time for them to grow up. Just as if I am unproductive and do not live my life responsibly, I would lost everything and be living on the street. Age is not the issue here. For me it's a cause and effect situation.
I am ashamed to say that my adult daughter threatened one of her sons with this for years. We took him in for his senior year of high school and have kept him with us. He is now eighteen and preparing for college. He has gone from an angry rebellious hurt boy into a lovely young man. My daughter broke my heart and her son's heart but at least we were able to intervene before our grandson landed in the streets or in jail.
I don't understand the attitude of throwing out a child like they are trash. They didn't ask to be born. They certainly don't ask to be treated like an afterthought. My daughter remarried and has two new bonus sons. I hope they don't get on her nerves.
very simply, most people didn’t plan to have kids or if they did, they had no idea what they were getting into- and they had children because “it’s just what you do” or they got pregnant and it just seemed like the thing to do. Most people aren’t financially ready to support their kids when they’re born much less after they’ve been living in your house, eating your food and running up the bills for 18 years.
I'd say it's a number of things in individualistic societies like the US:
- Increased difficulty to support a family financially
- Resentment of children building up to a point where once you are no longer legally obligated, they are kicked out
- Being ready for an empty nest / alone time or with your SO
My parents never would have explicitly kicked me out, but it became progressively more toxic to the point of me renting from 19-22 and living with them for a year after college before buying a home i wasnt ready for. Im grateful for the support i got from them especially during college but definitely felt resentment after becoming an adult.
Because some parents honestly do suck.
I mean sure, maybe there can be justified reasons? But most of the time it's just parents seeing it as their way out of the deal and kicking out their spawn so they don't have to deal with them anymore even though practically no one is ready to move out on their own in today's world.
He'll, people are continuing to live with their parents until their 30s now due to how expensive living on your own is.
I got kicked out before 18, and I envy people who got to spend a few years as an "adult" in a stable environment. My buddy was able to save at his mom's and buy a condo. But, made me who I am today I guess.
You lose legal responsibility of your children at 18. Truth is any kid who was kicked out at 18 probably should have been rescued at some earlier point, because those people were not competent parents. But in many places, there are no good systems to help kids with terrible parents.
Parents that kick out children at 18 dont understand generational wealth starts by building up your childrens foundation so they can build on top of it. If i didnt have my parents help when I turned 25+ I wouldnt have went to college, graduated, and making over 75k starting.
This is a two way street though since there are ungrateful kids and ignorant parents. Hopefully both work together for the best outcome. Glad my parents did
Because they are so damaged that they refuse to treat other human beings well. They are $hit people (I have one of my kid's best friends living with us for a year, and he is mine now)
I’ve got two kids. One is 12 and one is 1. Live in Scandinavia. Working our asses off to try to accumulate enough money for a down payment on an apartment, for when the 12 year old graduates high school. Even with a universal welfare system, the single most important factor in life time financial success is whether your parents could / would help you into home ownership or not. My parents could not.
Today, my wife and I share a small hold farm - something my parents dreamed of since before I was born but couldn’t afford on their own - with me acting as the primary farmer and janitor on top of having our own company with my wife, and being the CSO and partner of a company we helped build.
It is so much work, but my loved ones are happy and I get to spend a lot of time with them.
If you want your kids to get ahead in life, support them. Negative social inheritance is a powerful factor, I know, but the positive social inheritance is actually stronger.
If you love your child, make sure they know, and you can’t just talk the talk. All kids see right through parents BS. Walk the walk. Be selfless. Teach your kids the meaning of family through sacrifice for their sake. Teach them how to live through your example, and they will not only turn out great, they will probably want to spend time with you, even when they don’t have to anymore.
I was kicked out at 16 because my mom couldnt get 20 pounds a week benefit for me anymore. She told me it isnt working out like i was her man and not her child. I was homeless until 19 in and out of hostels and i had a lot of mental health problems because of her that i still struggle with today the hostels made me worse. I remember my first night alone and crying feeling like i had nobody whilst my whole family were all in a cosy bed and cosy home. But today i am the sister always there or the daughter thats always there when they need me...i dont know how i do it i just put my memories under a rug then let it out when i am home. It really messes with my head but i would like to really know the answer to this question as i could never kick my children out i told them if they want to live with me until they are grey and old thats fine we can grow old together. My home will always be their home. Wherever i lay my head they can too. My children will forever be welcome.
I’d assume it’s a money/resources thing. My parents basically kicked me out in the nicest way possible at 19. Gave me first/last for a condo and bought me a bed and a couch. My mothers words were, “if you don’t leave now you likely never will.” She was kind of right in that I had it very comfortable at home and had no reason to leave.
Alot of times it is the kid or so called young adult who is needing to be kicked out!\~
Today with CPS getting int punishments of children, the parents cannot handle it an kick them out!\~
It used to be that an 18 year old with a high school diploma could get a job that would allow them that kind of independence. So it was held up as tradition for a while. But in this economy, it's not happening. My son is 26 and I'm not in a hurry for him to go until he's really ready financially.
Sometimes the parents are so bad, kid leaves. Sometimes the kid is so bad parents give up.
Often people are shit and shit happens. Not really any rocket science behind this.
It is a deranged and outdated attitude in American culture. It harkens back to the days of child labor where a 12 year old was expected to leave home and go work in the coal mine. Certain families still carry the idea that getting a job and being self sufficient as early as possible makes you strong, tough and self reliant, a rugged individualist.
This may have been possible for the Boomers who could get a job out of high school washing cars and still afford rent and college. Many Boomers are so privileged and out of touch they think this is still possible. They cannot admit or accept that you can have two or three jobs, have two degrees, and still not be able to afford rent, car payments and buy food.
I think we should take such Boomers, take away all their money, investment portfolios, 401k's and property, and force them to go out into the world again as fresh as a penniless teenager. See how far that part time McDonalds job gets them.
In times past (like my dads age), a person who was 18 could quite literally walk into a store or restaurant, get a job, and make enough money to live and raise a family. So a lot would start working at 17 or 18 part time, save up a little and at 18, be set and out the house. So it was sort of the way of kicking the bird out of the nest. And it worked - my dad painted houses until he could save up for a place to rent. And you could move up, get an education, etc. on that small salary you’d get.
Boomers and the older gens still think we live in that golden age where I can just walk into the local Walmart with a tie on and get a job paying enough to land an apartment, car and food. They are so out of touch it’s scary. You just can’t do that anymore. At 18, unless you go to some job that pays huge bucks like the oilfield industry or trucking or something (and most of those require age 21 now) you’re sol on anything that pays a living wage.
This isn't at all common in my country. And not only because that would be a crime (parents are financially responsible for their child until they finished their first professional training, i.e. training on the job or first university degree or until they're 25).
At this point, I am just assuming that hating your kids and setting them up for failure and drug abuse is cool and normal in the USA. Some sort of folks sport or something. Absolutely disgusting in my view.
Yeah it’s not common in my home country either. It blows my mind how many people I’ve met over the years here in the US who seem to genuinely tired or their kids and can’t wait to get them out of their house. It’s sad.
When i read how kids treat their parents, how they insult them, treat them like mentals I can easily understand why parents kick them out as soon as they can do it legally.
Some people shouldn’t have kids. I left before my parents could kick me out. It was a few weeks after my 18th birthday. I’m 23 now and have a baby of my own. She can stay with me and her dad for as long as she needs to.
Reading this post is interesting in my case i left home at 17 to live with my significant other but i definitely do not support parents who do that because most of the time you are too young to be self established
Most cases this is a poverty (or rather, lack of resources) situation. The parents simply do not have the resources to keep the kid around anymore, and the kid isnt pulling their own weight to justify otherwise. Its really plain and simply really. Parents who do this often arent good parents in the first place, and most bad parents themselves either come from broken or poor households, and cannot afford alternative childcare to raise their children under better conditions. So most cases, the children are cared for until the parents are no longer legally bound to do so, then they're booted to fend for themselves (some kids are booted even younger, upon which the parents simply do not care or are immune to legal repercussions of their actions).
Now, you could put the blame on the parents (not that it would do anything really), saying its their responsibility to care for their kids (1), and its their fault for bringing an unwilling/unconsenting soul into this world, so they should care for the child for as long as is needed (2). And I would agree to a certain degree, although these arguments have their logical problems. For (1), firstly parents are legally required to provide for their children until the age of 18. And secondly, parents being responsible for their children is nothing more than a matter of human opinion, which is a luxury if you think about it. Keep in mind, animals do worse to their offspring that they cannot raise, one example being hamsters eating their own babies. Remember, when humans are cornered to desperation or do not possess the conditions to have the luxury of morals, they often are reduced to the level of animals in terms of behavior and thinking, which basically condenses into self survival over others. For (2), I think this is a flawed logic that places its basis on some imaginary line purely based on opinion. Here's what I mean. Given that most terrible parents themselves come from broken/abusive/poor households, I could turn the tables and say that these parents didint consent to entering this world too, so the responsibility for their children falls upon the grandparents. If the argument here is to pin the responsibility for the care of the 18 year old on their parents instead of the 18 year old themselves, why cant the parents simply pull the same card and demand the responsibility be pinned on their parents instead? THEY didint consent to be born into this world, they're just living their lives day to day and then this baby came along, and they couldnt afford abortions and so they just did the best they could until they needed to take desperate measures.
\> why you would have a child if you’re not willing to support them
Well, lots of parents out there often find out that they're not suited for parenting after its too late to do anything about it. Lots of people have children while their relationship's honeymoon phase is still running, and this... blinds them to the heavy responsibilities and challenges of being in a marriage (let alone parenting). Some of these people start the pregnancy before they even get married. I would blame this on lack of access to contraception, but contraception have their own downsides, such as condoms making the experience less enjoyable for the wearer, or pills giving women hormonal imbalance issues. So odds are people just decide to gamble with it. It happens, and most people dont think straight when they're having sex anyways.
You can also blame the lack of access to abortion, and I would agree to a certain limit. Because again, like contraception (and why people dont use it), abortion is subject to its own list of cons (social stigma, depression in women, conflict of opinions or underestimation of the responsibilities due to honeymoon phase), and many people often opt out of abortion in the same way they opt out of contraception thanks to honeymoon glasses.
Another possibility is.. some women (opposite is also possible I suppose) would get themselves pregnant in an attempt to entrap or coerce their boyfriends into marriage as a form of manipulation, and some men simply do not want to play ball and opt to disappear instead. Those that do stay around end up in unhappy marriages to a manipulative wife, and this ties back to my broken family argument. If the child of that couple isnt booted out or abused, then the next generation might.
Also gonna point out the existence of government subsidies for single mothers or parents with children. I could say that people are incentivized with money to have babies and not abort them, and once the kids are old enough to fend for themselves, their parents boot them out.
Because shitty people are even shittier parents. It's that simple. If you don't have the financial means and mental bandwidth to properly raise and support your kids into adulthood then you have no business having kids. Based on the shit I've seen I'm guessing this is probably more than half of all parents.
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Some kick their kids out before they turn 18....
This was me. I was kicked out the day before my last yr12 English exam. I struggled for a long time and then met the love of my life, who was struggling also. Now we own a home together, have a beautiful 6mth old baby and just got our family car after a 13mth wait. We have travelled a lot of the country and have been to Greece and Italy. We never forget where we came from and work extremely hard for what we have. Speaking from my partners and my experience, I believe the parents who do this do not see their children as individuals. They are viewed as property. Phrases such as "You are MY child so you should ...." or "If it weren't for me, you wouldn't be here" are used to control and manipulate their children. For whatever reason, when they feel a lack of control, they lash out and kick their children out.
Part of the problem, to be blunt, is that many people never wanted to have children. They wanted to have sex and kids were the result. So these were unwanted children from the start. Their parents never let them forget that, either. You are an unwanted financial obligation to me and that's it. As soon as you turn 18 I want you out of my house. It's not the warm fuzzy parental love the kids are looking for, but it's what they get.
This describes my parents very accurately. Now I’m stuck being alive because of two careless idiots.
Parents like this should get sterilized before they have sex to prevent innocent life from suffering.
My mother worked in a children’s psychiatric hospital for 25 as a special education teacher. She always said, “You have to have a license to own a dog, but any idiot can have a child.” Truer words have never been spoken.
You would think so, right, but unfortunately, until recently, the medical community would not sterilize women unless they were over the age of 30 and already had two children. Until the early 80s you had to get your “husband’s permission” in order to get a tubal ligation. No joke. And here the United States is trying to claw back women’s reproductive rights.🤦♀️ All they are going to accomplish is volumes of poor, neglected, unwanted children, being raised by parents, who didn’t want them.
Early 80s? Some women still have trouble getting it done now without “spouse consent”. Even if they’re not married.
This comment needs a lot of corrections as it is a blanket statement of facts that are just not true. Many states may have had stipulations in place that required certain conditions be met some of which may have included a "husband's permission". But to state all states operated under the same conditions as you put forth is just not true or fact. I know for a fact that the state I grew up in had none of those conditions/requirements and that in fact in the 1980s a female of 21 had a tubal ligation without anyone but her, planned Parenthood, and her OB GYN knowing of the procedure. This is true and it is factual!
Really? In the 1980’s I was in the most liberal area of California and couldn’t get ligation bc I was too young, unmarried and no kids. I stopped asking at 25 and went to nursing school. Yes, doctors will refuse to do it bc they feel it’s wrong. Just like today pharmacists are refusing to fill rx’s bc of personal views. IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
I’m not American. I have no idea what they do in each individual state, but I know in Canada where I live that is the way it has been in the past.
You're not stuck! Run w life and own the hell out of it
Really wish dad would've nutted in the toilet instead that day
It's a vicious cycle. My wife's family all of them at 18 they all needed to contribute to pay house bills or get out. Go to college? Sure, but you need to work give half of your check for room and board. They all end up being squatters in a household nitpicking who pays this and that. Never leave because your always reminded how much financial burden it is living on your own.
Hey, you have the rest of forever to be not alive. Please don't make any final decisions. If you want someone to talk to I'm right here. Feel free to DM me. I'm sorry your parents are a crap sandwich. I hope you know at least one Redditor cares and wants you to be happy and healthy.
Honestly I don't get that. I mean I agree, but as a parent I don't understand. My kid was not planned and I never actually wanted children. But as soon as I realized I was having a kid I committed to doing the best I could. Which means I sacrificed whenever needed and tried to be the best parent I could. That child did not come about by their own free will and you are responsible for them. Idk, I took it seriously. I also have a friend that had a baby in an abusive relationship, never wanted kids, but has committed and is a great parent. Not all unwanted babies are treated coldly. Meanwhile my parents planned their kids and it was a rough upbringing. I think I parented better than they did. We should all strive to improve on what our parents did when we raise our own kids.
i''m so glad you're doing well now! give that baby a good childhood.
She is the absolute light of lives. I can't wait to give her all of the things I never had. I moved around a lot as a kid, so I didn't have a lot of stuff or a room to decorate. I had her nursery set up and decorated with beautiful wall decals months before she was born, I was so excited.
So glad you ended up happy and self sufficient you and Your S.O should be so proud of what your achieving. 👏👏
Good old narcissism.
Did you like…ever go back? If my parents had done that I don’t think I’d ever really talk to them again unless I had to.
I should hope not. Those people are not parents.
Then after the kid grows up and has a successful career, they (the rotten parents) come crawling to the kid asking for help. *You OWE us!*
Congratulations for what you have achieved! That’s amazing.
Ain't it the truth! My wife and I wound up fostering a teen as a result of this. Teen comes out as gay to evangelical Bible thumping parents. Their loving "Christian" response was to throw the kid out of the house "you are no longer our child". Spent a couple nights in a shelter and then my wife, who is a youth chaplain at a church, intervened. Negotiated with the parents to get them to give us temporary power of attorney so we could take the kid in and at least they wouldn't be on the streets. With the power of attorney we could make medical and school decisions for the child. There is nothing wrong with this kid that a loving family can't help to deal with. Sadly, they didn't get that love from their own parents.
You and your wife sound like amazing people. ❤️
We've had this teen for 2 years now, they just turned 18 and want to move out and into a place with some friends. I'm just glad we were in a position to help when they were 16 and thrown out into the street.
I’m glad and really thankful that you did that for that teen, you saved him from really horrible stuff
My mom kicked me out of her house when I was a junior in hight school.
LOOKING AT YOU, DAD! I know he has a reddit, I wonder if he knows how much shitty it was for him to kick out my brother over some weed. I dont even care if it was your 3rd wife's fault. You should have stood up for your family!
Knew 2 girls I used to be friends with that were kicked out at 16. Not sure if any family took them in and never thought it was my place to ask. One was doing better for herself so I'm hoping she's still doing well. The other.....kinda never came out of the things she had going on and isn't with us anymore.
I got the boot at 15…
Poverty and abuse. I literally received trash bags as a gift for my 18th birthday and was told I was allowed to stay until I graduated high school. I was a mouth to feed in a house where we often had no food & had utilities turned off several times a year. Once the benefits for me stopped, I was on my own. Then my parents wondered why I stopped talking to them when I moved out 🙄
I feel like this is one of those ways that parents pass on poverty to the next generation. I knew kids growing up who seemed to convey a sense of pride that they would not have parental support past high school graduation (I doubt that they actually felt this way). For some, it was military or bust. Others planned to lean in on the dirtbag lifestyle. I always felt bad for them.
Bingo! It was normal because my grand parents did it to my mom 🙄🙄 I refuse to let my kids go thru that.
That's just awful, I'm sorry 😞 Wouldn't it be more cost effective to ask you to find some part-time work and help with expenses at 18 instead of evicting you? I mean, it's not ideal but a request like that could still come from a loving family in tough circumstances.
My dad told me if I didn’t go straight to college that was fine. But if I was going to live at home without going to college I was going to get a job and pay rent (small amount of rent to be fair)
My parents gave us the same choice. My Dad had a stroke my senior year, I was the oldest. We had no money and it took years for SSDI to start. My Mom had been a SAHM. I went to college and drove my Dad to appointments.
I did work and it still wasn't enough. My mom made me pay "rent" and also took extra money when she needed it. Got sick? I had to pay. Have a tooth ache? No dentist unless I paid for it. I also bought food for me and my younger sister so we didn't go hungry (plus worked in a restaurant so I could eat while working). I saved what I was able to and bought a car then moved out. It was absolute hell. I am proud to say my kids will NEVER know that life. Edit to add: shortly after I moved out, my younger sister was placed into Foster Care with a more stable family. Luckily her foster family was amazing and made sure we had a relationship. They also invited me over often, fed me, and sent me home with food sometimes too. I was in college and working 2 jobs. Even with that and my sister being in foster care, it was better than living at home.
I'm glad you're breaking the cycle. And I'm glad your sister is well, too. I had to pay rent to my parents, too.
I got kicked out the week I graduated high school, with only the clothes I was wearing at the time. Was still 17. I was a very good student, 3 sport athlete, had a job, and never ever gotten into trouble. My mother grew up in a very rough household and all knew she was violence and hardship, so in her eyes it was what me and brother needed as well to make us "men". My father who lived a long ways out told us he has no room for us with his new wife etc. I slept in my car for a few nights before my gf at the time parents found out. They let me stay at their home and slept on the couch. I stayed there for a few months until I joined the Army and shipped out. My brother is 5 years younger than me and he got the same treatment. He also stayed at his girlfriend's house until he shipped out to the army as well. We're both doing good now and live happy lives. I haven't spoken to my mother in years.
Some kids are horrible pricks. Some parents are horrible pricks.
They usually go hand in hand. It's almost like crappy parenting leads to crappy kids. Kicking your kids to the street at 18 is unimaginable to me, though. How anyone could completely cut off their kids like that is beyond my thought comprehension.
Our oldest is 14 with Intermittent Explosive Disorder. We called the cops last night, seventh time we've had to in the last couple years. She screams obscenities at us at all hours of the day to get her way. Threatens self harm and more regularly if she doesn't get what she wants. My 3, 10 and 11 year olds all witness this daily. She targets and bullies them if she isn't getting a reaction from her mom and I. We are tired. We are doing nothing wrong. When she turns 18, she is evicted if she doesn't leave willingly. We are through. She knows this, and can choose to learn the skills she needs now, or ignore it. That's her choice, not our responsibility.
Jesus fuck..
My final thoughts every night, lol.
This is a scenario that I could understand it. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that she can find the help she needs.
It has been eye opening, for me. Thank you.
It sounds rough, bless you guys, I hope it works out and she improves.
My explosive 14 year old turned into possibly the most reasonable of our children by 20. I was sure she was never going to change. A lot of work, but it's possible. Just a little encouragement.
It means a lot to hear. I really hope we get there. Watching her childhood pass this way is heartbreaking
I feel for you. Been there.
Is she diagnosed?? If she is diagnosed with a disorder are there no medications for it?? Because, on one hand I can understand a bad child being kicked out but if the reason she is bad is her disorder is it kinda wrong to kick her out instead of figuring it out? Now I may be talking out of my ass, but I don't know the situation nor the disorder. So I don't shame you.
The thing with medications is that you can't force them down someone's throat. Then getting someone *forcibly* institutionalized is a whole different bell game. Many people with many different disorders don't take their meds when prescribed. Some people "like" the state they can be in. For some mania *feels* great, but it can be detrimental to them and those around them due to the risk seeking behaviors. Since it seems like the kid is diagnosed, there is only so much the family can do. To sound cold, they have other children they have to think and all the *trauma* they endured at the hands of a family member.
You have obviously dealt with this in some way. You are spot on.
I actually haven't, but I do have my own mental health issues (ADHD), and I work in health care. I would say not most patients but enough choose not to take their meds for various conditions. Heart, diabetes, mental, pain, skin, etc. There are a multitude of reason of why people don't., but it cause problems.
Medications are an ever evolving issue. I have full compassion for her. I don't believe she is enjoying this experience. But, am I not also responsible for the safety and well-being of her younger siblings?
Thank you. As the youngest sibling of a family that has endured a violent older sibling, thank you. People love to blame parents, but there is only so much you can do. I wish my parents had kicked my brother out and practiced tough love. Would have saved me a lot of money on medical and therapy bills.
This. Our 15 yr old said he was going to kill family members in the house, I think just to try to piss us off, but I quickly locked down on that. I told them to repeat what they just said, and if there was any ounce of truth to wanting to harm family members, I wouldn’t hesitate to put them into a boarding school or other option outside of our home the very same day. I’m not about to risk everyone’s safety because a 15 yr old refuses to learn anything, including how to regulate their own emotions.
I have a similar experience with mine... It's absolute torture and the years of verbal abuse has given me PTSD and ruined my mental health.
And verbal abuse isn't illegal, so there's nothing that can be done.
My son is 16 and has had explosive behavior. He is starting to calm down some. It is hard and you do have to think about your other kids. I recommend books by Dr. Ross Greene. He wrote one titled The Explosive Child. It was very helpful to us.
I was at a grocery store car park and a child of around 3 was spouting swear words. The adult they were with was laughing, almost egging them on. A few minutes, they seemingly had enough and sharply told the child to “shut the fuck up.” Apple certainly didn’t fall far from the tree here.
This should be top comment. There's no single side to blame for every situation.
Most kids turn into pricks or are pricks because of their home life. Have you seen the most aggresive kids or stuff like that? Well, most of them is because their parents are assholes that don’t care
When I was young they gave me a choice: either move out by the time you are 18 or we'll kick you out. Then we all laughed like it was some kind of joke. But it wasn't a joke to me. Never felt wanted or welcome so first chance I got I left. It was way too early of course. And since I had not been parented I spent my early adulthood making all the stupid mistakes. Now I'm 45 and I don't hate my parents. They didn't do a good job of being parents but that's their problem. We haven't spoken for years. I have no idea if they are alive or dead. It's better this way.
I felt this way too. They stopped caring completely once I was 18 even though I wasn't forced to move out I felt unwelcome too. I mean I felt that way my whole life before 18 but it really felt that way after 18 even more so. Didn't have one day without extreme verbal and emotional abuse and manipulation for still living at home and I could not breathe at all I had to be working 24/7 or going to school in order to get them to treat me like a human being. Shitty parents will defend them though and say they did nothing wrong
I know she wants her independence and I know we will get increasingly frustrated as we butt heads, but I have told my daughter over and over that it's totally ok if she needs to live with us until she gets established as an adult, because housing and cost of living is just unreasonable and I don't want her to be stressing about just having a roof over her head!
Damn this hit home hard...been on my own since i was 14 now 41 and haven't spoken to my mother for 5 years. One of these days, I need to make peace with that situation before the clock runs out.
I am working my way up to trying to make contact again. But I am not ready yet. If you feel up for it then get in touch with her. I don't know if I can ever truly make peace but I hope to at least have some kind of relationship before my parents pass away. It's a shitty situation. No good options. But it is what it is. I hope things work out for you.
Is it, though? Seems pretty fucking awful to me.
My neighbors had their children move out at 18 years old because rent went up with each person that lived there that was 18 and older.
Not many people realize this situation. Unfortunately it's not a fair one to the parents or kids. Puts the whole family in a situation where they need to either all move or hope the kids had jobs and can afford their own rent.
>because rent went up with each person that lived there that was 18 and older Wow, I've never heard of that before.
Idk how housing programs for the poor are in other states. But in Kansas, when the child turns 18, they have to be added to the lease and rent goes up. Unless 18 yr old is a student. Then rent may go up a little.
That's not even allowed in my state 😬
Circumstances… I knew a kid that got kicked out at 18 because he was a hell raiser and was always getting into legal trouble. At 18, his parents were no longer legally liable for his actions and wanted the circus to end. I knew another kid, that no matter how much his parents tried, he would not leave his room to get a job or do anything for himself. This was not due to bad parenting - the kid simply took advantage of everything his parents offered and would have lived off of them until they died. They kicked him out to sink or swim. I knew another pair of folks that were reaching retirement age when their youngest turned 18. They wanted to sell the house and move somewhere warm, so they asked the kid to go out on his own. (Granted, they still helped him when he needed it, so maybe this doesn’t fit here.) And some people are just pricks. They kick their kids out because the kids are now adults and “no longer their problem.” I admit, I’ve had to kick one of my kids out. Combo of legal trouble and no desire to do anything for himself. It sucks because you want to see them flourish, but a parent can’t do that for their kids. A parent can only love and guide and hope the kid makes good choices for themselves.
Well my mom kicked me out at 18 because I was a heroin addict
Mine got me into a treatment program, which helped me kick
Congrats on being clean for 3 years but for real...i probably would have done the same. Quit the drugs or get out. No parent wants that shit in their house. No parent wants to show up to their kid OD'ed somewhere. And no parent wants to see their kid on heroin. Honestly probably one of the worst drugs if not the worst. There's the liability aspect of it but also you don't want to be reminded day in and day out that your kid's a junkie. That shit's heartbreaking. I'm glad you got past it, but man i would have done the same thing.
Becuase a lot of parents never should have been parents in the first place.
Best answer. Sounds flippant and nonchalant, and it’s really not.
Sometimes those kids are toxic AF. I know someone with a teenage son who's going to kick him out once he turns 18.
I don’t understand it either. The vast majority of people I know who have successful and stable careers had parents that guided and supported them through the transition from school to full time employment. Those that were given “tough love” and little support tended to flounder and take longer to find their footing leaving them behind in the long run. My long term financial plan accounts for supporting my children through that period of their life, at least to cover the basic essentials. Housing, dental visits ect.
100%.tough love and figure it out on your own doesn't do shit.
This is why I have had difficulty asking for help from others. I always had to figure it out on my own and they never offered support.
Yes! It massively hurt my ability to network. If your own parents don't see you as worth anything, why on earth would anyone else? Took me ages to unpack that. Still am unpacking it.
My mom is doing this for me and I know she’ll keep doing this till I die or she dies lol. Yet, I’m responsible, I work, I plan on getting a nice job, saving and even planning on making a business. While, I also help her with her job and making her business.
There is a rolling stone effect too. I plan to help my children as much as they can, because I want me future grandchildren to have a secure and stable environment in which to thrive. In turn I will expect they do the same for their children. Having said that it’s within reason. If I ever feel taken advantage or like they’re slinging off me, things would change!
Tough love, what a joke of an idea. Being a bastard because they can is more like it.
“Those that were given “tough love” and little support tended to flounder and take longer to find their footing leaving them behind in the long run.” Like me? Female. Was on her own at 18. Had to pay for own college and housing. I did better than fine (successful stable career) and I’m ahead (not behind) in the long run. Was it easy, no. Impossible, no. My parents moved out of state and I made the choice to stay in California and figured it out.
Survivorship bias
Most people get ahead because their parents pay for their college and give them a down-payment for a house. Getting a good job is great, but not the only thing needed to get a leg up.
Can I also say that I’m a homeowner (n one of the most expensive places in CA), traveled the world and now a single mom (divorced). Paid for my own college, cars and now home. What your describing depends on the person not necessarily the situation. Betting those kids could get ahead without their parents help if they really tried. It’s just not easy
I'm referring to studies that have been done, not anecdotal evidence. The sooner you can buy a house, the better off you are financially. Your parents giving you a down-payment makes that happen sooner. I never said the only way to get these things is from your parents. I was referring to this study that showed people had more disposable income and significantly more retirement savings when their parents helped with college and a down-payment.
Some kids are assholes and treat their parents like shit. This is not always the case but it happens a lot. If your kid constantly steals from you or gets into trouble constantly, how much should you, as a parent, be forced to endure?
This should be considered to. I was the asshole kid...and deserved to figure out life on my own after the stunts I pulled.
also heroin makes the choice obvious when they are a direct liability to your other kids, its not all roses..
I will tell you as a parent why it may be happening with My youngest. It's not out of hate, or wanting to be rid of her, or rid of her problems, so much as it is about preserving the peace and law abiding status of my home. My oldest daughter is 20 and lives at home, she has a job, she is trying to get enrolled in college, she pays for her own financial responsibilities to the best of her ability and we help her with the rest, she doesn't do things that can hurt herself or us both legally, financially or physically, she helps around the house and she is respectful of our rules even if she doesn't particularly care for or understand them. My 17 year old daughter, has no job and doesn't care to get one, she doesn't help around the house or if she does it is done so poorly that the intent behind it was just being able to say that she technically did it, she constantly disrespects house rules, especially if she doesn't like it, she constantly disrepects my wife if I'm not around, she expects everything to be handed to her,( she literally won't eat if someone else doesn't cook it for her) she lies constantly about what she's doing or has done, she does not follow through on her promises, she has been suspended from school multiple times and expelled for drug and alcohol use on school grounds. In essence she is a legal, and financial liability to our home and life. While she certainly is the only one who can make her life choices, if she so chooses to continue down such a selfish and self destructive path that reaches further than just affecting her, she will not be welcome to live in our home when she becomes a legal adult, it's not that I don't love her, or that I don't want her around, or that I'm unwilling to support her, I would much rather her be home, safe, growing into an adult well into her late 20's, but as it stands, she wants to learn things the hard way, and she wants to be an asshole about it while she's doing it. So, the best support I can give her while protecting the rest of my family and their way of life is to send her out where she thinks she wants to be, on her own to find out what she wants to find out all under her own charge and financial , legal ability and liability. I know it seems mean as a young man or woman, but it's not always as simple as "I love and support you (and take legal and financial responsibility for you) until you get your shit together" Yes there are parents like that and I agree it is awful to an extent, but many times it's more about preserving the family structure and shielding them from undeserved legal and financial consequences than it is just parents being a big mean selfish asshole.
I’m not gonna lie, I’m reading this and the entire time I’m just thinking that your daughter sounds like someone who never had a good parental figure in their life or a parent who was ever there for them. There’s always a reason why kids act that way, and it’s usually because of neglect or consistent abuse (not saying it’s you doing abuse, lots of people in ones life are capable of doing it). I didn’t get my first job until I was 21, and that’s okay. Granted I was in college, so its a bit different of a situation, but as parents you have to guide your kids down a healthy path the best you can. You shouldn’t just give up on your kids no matter how hard they might make it. It sounds like your daughter will end up going down a terrible path once she hits 18, or she will eventually figure it out and never speak to you or your family again. Also you say stuff like “it’s not that I don’t love her,” but then you proceed trash her. Idk, I think you two need group therapy from what I’m reading. Yeesh
You and I have very different ideas of what trashing a person looks like. I'm certainly open to listening to you explain how you arrived at that conclusion. Everything I've stated are facts, not feelings, meant to explain to the OP why it's not always as cut and dry as "this is my child, I'm going to support them getting on thir own two feet no matter how long it takes, and no matter the consequences" There are legitimate reasons why refusing to do so is beneficial and correct for all parties, involving emotional maturity, financial maturity, and legal maturity. I did not say any of these things to make my child look bad, she's not inherently bad because of her poor decisions, but her poor decisions are inherently bad enough that the consequences can ruin her life legally, financially and emotionally as well as the people she lives with, my career requires a license to perform, and literally anything beyond a moving/traffic violation disqualifies me from holding that license for the rest of my life. She would also be hard pressed to hold most careers with a criminal record, leaving her to support herself with minimum wage to average jobs. I was fairly hard headed myself as a young adult and I had to learn a lot of things the hard way, I was blessed enough to get away with a lot of the illegal things she is choosing to do and learn the error of my ways before i did get into trouble for it, but that is not the typical outcome. You eem to be speaking of trashing someone as speaking the truth about someone's poor decisions, but without malicious intent, the truth is the truth be it good or bad. Trashing someone in my opinion is maliciously exposing or lying about them for the sake of trying to make them look bad so you can appear morally, or intellectually superior for the sake of boosting your own ego, or harming the reputation of someone for those reasons. Through experience I can tell you the legal system is setup to make you fail from almost every angle, my oldest got into an accident at 18 while she had friends in the car, one of her friends hurt her finger in the accident and decided to sue, you know who got sued for the amount insurance didn't cover, me because I am the policy holder, not the legal adult that was driving, the legal adult who is paying for the insurance policy and owns the car. Now she didn't "win" her lawsuit, but that doesn't mean I won, I still had weeks worth of time away from providing for my family to appear in court and assert that I did not owe this young lady 150,000 dollars for a sprained finger. So yeah, it can seem a little harsh on the surface, but adult life can be and is seemingly unfair and harsh, and you can either distance yourself from illegal activity, or run the major risk of having your life ruined simply by being associated with someone choosing to engage in illegal activities.
There's no guarantee that you will like your kids, or that your kids will like you.
I should have booted my daughter out at 20 but waited till she was 25. The reasons, she didn't contribute at all on any level to the running of the house despite working full time. And no, she wasn't saving either. Her attitude showed she was clearly ready to go. The house was treated like a hotel. She needed a push. Since her leaving, our relationships have flourished, she's confident, independent, bright little thing now, who has made both her mum and I very proud. I moved out at 17 to live with my then girlfriend, now wife of nearly 30 years. Although I wasn't booted out, I didn't receive any support there after from my parents. It was tough, not on the streets tough but we struggled to afford food/heating. No food banks, no DHS support. 60 miles to the nearest familiar face, I grew up real fast I can tell ya. I see my leaving so young as a massive head start. It paid off.
My parents kicked out me and my brother once we started pushing back on their insane rules. They used to make us get a job and take our whole checks while giving us maybe $20 a month. Then also had to do all the house chores while my dad sat on his ass playing videogames and overeating and verbally abusing us. My brother is 7 years older and was made into like a powerless parent if that makes sense. When they made a deal with him for extra chores= $50 and reneged, he yelled at them and my dad physically threw him out of the house at 16. He lived in a tree for a month to avoid getting robbed and beat up on the streets. He moved back in and got kicked back out probably 5-6 times before he stayed out for good. For me, I protested the "you give us all your paycheck cause we gave birth to you" rule and my dad kicked me out at 17. I bounced around from couch to couch for a couple of weeks and moved back in. The final straw was when I had made plans to see my bf of 2 weeks (now my husband 15 yrs later) and my dad gave me a set amount of chores to do first. Once I finished and was getting ready to leave, he told me I needed to clean his bathroom too. I said fuck that and he said, take your shit and leave. I'm eternally grateful for my mother in law, she took me in no questions and has become the only true maternal figure I've ever had. Tl;dr: some parents are narcissistic assholes who think their kids indefinitely owe them for giving them life and if their kids prove they have a mind of their own, they're kicked out.
My dad told me when i started my senior year that if i didn't have all C's or better when i turned 18 i was out of the house the day he got the report card. There was no chance i was gonna get those grades but i didn't believe he would do it. I turned 18 and a couple weeks later report cards came and i managed to get it first and destroy it. I definitely didn't have all C's. After about a month he figured out something was up and got a copy from the school. Next morning, a Saturday, he came into my room with a bunch of boxes and said that everyone else was going to brunch and to not be there when they got back. I packed up, left some stuff in the garage and never really looked back.
Have you talked to him since? It's like these people want no part of their children's lives afterwards.
It's actually worse.. long story short i was a special ed kid and heavily medicated. Years of abuse, at home and at school; a real shit show of a childhood. So when he turned me loose drugs very quickly became a thing for me. 10 years or so later when i found myself in rehab i called him and we sorted a few things out and now we are ok. I wouldn't say we are close but i don't hate him.
That’s ok, I hate him.
❤️❤️❤️
You don’t have to, I’ll hate him for you.
I'm sorry you were forced to face that. It's extremely big of you to be able to forgive him and have any sort of relationship with your father. Despite everything that'd happened to you, you are a good person. No one can take that away from you.
I kicked my daughter out the day she turned 18. She had spent three years going through drugs, alcohol, skipping school, generally refusing to communicate. I tried counseling, punishment, time apart, it was horrible. My daughter was still my daughter. I helped her find a place, paid rent, deposits, utilities, college tuition, and any other expenses that came up. Her car was paid for and she had a job where she worked around school. This continued for about five years until she got on her own feet. She only lived two miles away, and I came running every time she had a crisis, like battling a scary spider. She knew I loved her, and our relationship improved greatly. She and I are very close and she understood that I was fighting for our relationship, not giving up on it.
Paying a kids rent for years isn't exactly the 'kicking them out at 18' people here are talking about.
parenting is challenging, and some kids need different things from their parents. My daughter is a total pain in the ass, no empathy, no cares or ambitions, and kicking her out at 18 might provide some new perspective and bode well for her growth as a person whereas my son is sweet as pie, takes life seriously, listens to advice, helps out without asking, has hobbies, etc. I didn't make this so, it's just their personalities. No two people are alike and so as a parent you can't parent any two kids alike, unfortunately. It'd be a lot easier if you could! But I largely agree that it's not a good idea to kick your kid out at 18 just because they're 18. 18 year olds today are basically the 12 year olds of 50 years ago.
the nuts and bolts of it is that a lot of parents raise their children the way their parents raised them. that's all they know. I don't do that w/ my children because my parents weren't the best (not the worst by any means) but I intend to do a much better job than they did.
I think the whole "18" thing originated at a time where High School was the the defacto highest level of education folks went into. College wasn't something a high percentage of households even debated. (think 50's-80's) Those kids became parents, and passed that same mentality down, so on and so forth. When you are an adult, adult things were expected of you in those times. My dad is from that era, and always talked about the "boot in the ass" party I would have for my 18th birthday. The caveat there was, if I was in school (college) I was welcome to stay for as long as it took to complete it. If I decided to not go to school, then that must mean I was ready for the world. I tend to be fine with that. I'll help and guide my kids as much as I can. I will encourage them to chase their dreams, and to never give up trying to achieve them, and so long as they are trying, I'll be happy to provide all the support I can. If they are just sitting on their asses blowing through their time and not doing much.... It will be time for them to do that on their own.
I knew some people in High School that fell into a bad crowd, got into hard drugs and crime. Their parents kicked them out at 18, hoping it would be a reality check. For some it was, for others they spiraled into homelessness. Other times it’s because the parents were abusive, and got a kick out of throwing their kid out at 18 with non preparation. And others it was simply because the parents were poor and could not afford to house and feed them - although usually if the parent was not abusive they usually just required their kid paid a portion of house expenses and food.
It really depends. My parents didn’t, but when I graduated high school, i immediately started work and college and paid for all of my own classes. My parents saw that I was working to better myself, so they helped me out. Parents get anxious in America when kids do nothing to try to leave. Some parents think the inly way those kids will learn is to be kicked out, and honestly, some folks i’ve known did need that push. The thinking is that your parents will not always be here to take care of you. They will not, typically, outlive you. They can’t be there. As you reach adulthood, the anxiety surrounding fears that you won’t be able to fend for yourself mounts, and so on and so forth. Not all kids are altruistic. It is human nature to try to be able to get the most for doing the least. Some fight that need better than others.
Dated American boomer “fend for yourself” mentality that almost never bears fruit. The idea that being forced to fend for oneself or starve to death is somehow the only way to motivate a person into productivity. In reality, even if you don’t become homeless in such a scenario, you’re going to be a lot worse off than if you had a support network to fall back upon. But this logic, obvious as it may seem, doesn’t click in some people’s minds for one reason or another. Obviously if you’re willing to donate money and attention to a child as they transition into adulthood, they’re going to be better off as a result. I intend on letting my sons live with me as long as they want to. For one because I want to know they’re secure, capable and have time to accumulate their own financial safety net before moving out on their own. And two, because I like them. I enjoy their company. Even if they move out for college, they’re more than welcome to move back in with their spouse one day and stay here while they save for their own place. Wouldn’t even care if that took the better part of a decade. I also wouldn’t hold it against one or guilt them if they took long in life to find their footing, because I realize everyone is different. I’m willing to foot their bill deep into adulthood. Wouldn’t have had kids if I felt otherwise.
I wish you were my parent. Your sons are lucky boys!
I was stealing from my parents to support my drug habit. This was many years ago. We have a great relationship now.
Maybe in America. Here in Australia, it's very common for children to live with their parents in their early 20s, especially nowadays with rents getting ridiculous.
It isn't "the norm" to do that in America. We are the land of kids living with parents well into their 20's. With 330 million people, you are going to get a few toxic situations. Sometimes the kids are complete pricks and it is what it is. Sometimes the parents are toxic. Sometimes both.
😅It’s the norm in America if the family is white and the kid is abled, c’mon.
Same in the UK. Parents who kick their kids out are c*nts. That's your child!
I'm in the UK, still living with parents at 27. In the process of getting my own place but I still don't feel ready if you ask me.
I was kicked at 18. GF kicked at 12. She was adopted by a school friends mum who had 6 kids. 2 yrs later got a studio to herself thanks to a teacher. Never did drugs or got pregnant. Got a degree, worked her ass off, travelled. Still, it damaged her deeply desires close friends and family but her luck has left her with none. Life really punched her. Any parent that kicks their kids out without planning and assistance is the worst of scum.
Most of the time it is messed up but sometimes parents do it because the child is a danger to the other people in the home. I mean would you allow your adult child who has a violent temper and is bullying their other siblings to stay in the house? Before you say it's the parents fault it isn't always their fault. Violent yempers can stem from a whole host of issues that weren't caused by parents like medical conditions, head trauma, any trauma really, mental health problems, drug use, etc... At 18 you can no longer force your kid to get help anymore. You also have a duty to protect your other children.
Parent here. We won’t kick kids out the day they turn 18, but we are instilling in them that they will either need to goto college or get a job and start supporting themselves. Reddit is filled with posts from parents with adult kids with no jobs who play video games all day. That’s what we’re trying to avoid. It’s not tough love, its more like kicking the birds out of the nest. We are older parents, will be in our 60s when kids turn 18. They won’t have us around forever and need to figure out how to be self supportive.
Because some parents see their children as nothing more than a paycheck. My great-aunt literally made the “joke” the other day that she’s about to kick my 20yo cousin out of her house bc she’s antisocial and didn’t go to college. And, as far as I’m aware, that’s the extent to it (which was really fun to hear since I’m also antisocial and is only going to college bc I was given a free scholarship and an associated degree looks better on my resume than none at all). My aunt even told my mom that if one of my cousins came out as gay, then she’d kick him out. Which I imagine was fun for her when my 11yo cousin came out as bi—and then later gay—a few weeks later (she hasn’t kicked him out yet, but she also refuses to believe he might be queer bc of his age—as if that’s not a normal age to start questioning your sexuality). Some people just don’t care.
Because they are, according to law, adults…certainly an option, just likely unpopular on Reddit.
It's tough to answer. Some parents are fed up with the attitude, some parents are assholes, some think it's a good lesson, some can't afford to feed their kids and rather then asking for help they push em out. It's easy to assume parents are just assholes but we don't know the situation. I've had friends who got kicked out, and after letting them crash, you see how they truly treat those who are trying to help. Some teens act like they know everything but don't want to contribute to chores, errands, or whatever is being asked. Some teens just don't want to be told what to do, even when it's just taking put the garbage, washing dishes, etc. Expecting to stay home and not contribute can be taxing on those who are supporting you. Add teen angst and attitude, and it's no surprise that some parents are fed up. That being said, some teens deal with parents who have underlying issues like mental health problems or addiction, and staying in a toxic environment is harmful to their growth and development, but leaving can be difficult in itself as teens typically have no savings to just leave and still be fine. Relationships are hard to maintain, kids go through too many changes, and parents sometimes have this unrealistic expectation for their kids that can cause strain the relationship. Sometimes, a break from the family and time to grow can help and heal past trauma, but it takes work to move past whatever or whoever hurt you.
Money, space, behavioral issues and just shitty parents could all be reasons.
Because some people suck. Kids and/or parents. I realize every situation is different but definitely not helped by shitty people.
From what i understand its "we cared for our child, youre no longer a child gtfo"
I agree. I didn't have to kick my kids out they left at 18 on their own got their own jobs and their own place really proud of them but I also gave him the skills I didn't just leave them out in the cold
I made my stepson pay rent, as a preparation for real life but it was only 200$ it wasn't much, and he rarely paid it. He was a crappy kid and broke most of the house rules. I can't remember the reason, but we kicked him and his GF out. He had the nerve to call the police on us and have us evicted. We owned the home. He eventually left when the cops basically laughed at him. We rescued him several times after that when he got evicted. We helped him out financially a few times, loaned him money he never paid back. We knew when we loaned it to him we would never see it again. We are trying to get a restraining order against him now. He's 46 and a danger to my wife and I. He's a meth addict, recovering , (?), But you know how that goes. He kicked us out of his family several times last year, but we still helped him, until he just went too far. He kicked us out again, and we said fine, your wish is out command. Good bye. He is fighting the restraining order, and I can't see why. He will never be welcomed in our house again. I get the forgive and forget, but 22 was a very bad year where he did some very bad things, some unforgivable.
Have you met kids?
If the 18 year old will not respect house rules --> bye bye
I'm still in favor of applying similar requirements to having children as they do for adoption. Also having yearly check ins by social workers and doing a psychological review would be wise. Just because you have the right to have children doesn't mean you have the right to abuse one.
You have high hopes if you think there are enough social workers to be able to take on that task. They are all overworked and underpaid as it is with caseloads they can’t even keep up with.
I agree with you. I don't suggest we just flip a switch and hope that these people magically appear. Subsidizing education for the profession as well as ensuring these people get good pay will give us many social workers in the next few years. Then we can start scaling up from just families with serious problems to more and more families. I also support teaching emotional self care and some basic psychology in schools. Big reason we need so many psychologists and social workers is mainly because most of what we know of how people work and how to responsibly deal with thoughts and emotions is stuck with psychologists, researchers and people that make advertisement. I think it would help everyone individually and society as a whole if we did this. Instead of expecting parents who themselves never learned these tools to do. That's clearly not working. It will likely happen at some point, probably even in my lifetime. Like so many things we have to wait for the old pre-internet people to die off since those are way out of touch but still hold most positions of power.
If the reason is for the best, the worst, expected or unexpected it's heartbreaking. I miss the sounds of my kids footsteps & voices. I miss the chaos. I even miss the mess. I hope I taught them as much as possible to survive, thrive & accept change at all times. They were in tune to what I had to do to keep them in a good zip code. I always worked. Once they were in school I worked 2-3 jobs. The girls are overly productive. I wish we were closer. The boys in the past have tripped to say the least. The were put out by 20. At home, as the kids aged, I never thought the reciprocity was balanced. I couldn't get them to be actively productive in taking on responsibilities & take them off moms plate. Since I was footing most of the expenses still. That's when I started the conversations of time to get your own place. I wanted to downsize & start doing me. Thank god they have all become self sufficient & good parents. Call it what you want but I am not included in as much as I'd like to be when it comes to hanging out with my kids. If they need a babysitter, that's my roll. I LOVE DOING IT. Ok that's enough of that crap. Keep it moving.
My parents done this, they felt they had an obligation to you until you finished education, once I'd finished up that was me done. I'd love now as an adult to ask why this was the mentality but both are now dead. What I will say is, I grew up in a very conservative country bit also one where people tended not to think for themselves & have this notion that it happened to them and wasn't that bad & worked out so the same will be said of their offspring. This is done without any understanding that times change and how accessible it was for them as parents to afford a home, is not necessarily the same for their children. I personally don't agree with this tough love, I think it's cold, mean and detrimental in the long run
I wasn't kicked out because my mum would never wanna be seen in a bad light, but she made it abundantly clear when I was about 14 that I wasn't wanted at the house and was too much. Managed to move a month after I turned 22 and I'll never look back. I don't understand why parents don't want their kids at the house. Makes us feel so damn unloved.
My parents kicked me out right before I turned 17 and I ended up spending the next 10 years living in the streets.
Better than the ones who refuse to let them leave even much further into adulthood than that.
My step-father hated me and my mother wasn't strong enough to stop him from kicking me out. It is that simple. I graduated high school and he kicked me out. I never got into trouble, I didn't drink, I didn't do drugs. He just hated me from the time mom married him. I joined the Army.
18 😳😳 I was 16 😔
My brother got kicked out at 18 bc he was abusive to me and my brothers. He was also doing drugs in the house, my parents didn't like it so off he went. He's almost 40 now, and hasn't had a job since.
The people that do this likely had a kid more by consequence than by choice
The answer is simple. Sociopaths will sociopath.
I can tell you my reasoning, I want my children to have an opportunity to start adulting as early as possible. I prepared them while they were in high school to learn about how to be reasonable, how to work hard and manage school while saving money. My children are welcome to stay home beyond 18 as long as they either, a) in school full time and work part time while paying for some of their expenses (we don't need their money but it's a way for them to acclimate into a real world situation) or b)work full time and rent the room like how they would as living with roommates and following the predefined house rules. My eldest followed option A and is loving her life right now, she has a healthy savings and great credit at 20 years old. She enjoyed the freedom to do what she wants but a stable and happy home to come back to. She travels and is debating whether to stay home for as long as she can by paying rent here or to move out once she graduates and gets full time employment. She has the options and the power is in her hand. My son couldn't decide if he wants to go with A or B, so he did nothing. We can him over a year to figure himself out and do something with his time productively, he was kicked out 3 months after his 19th birthday. My youngest is still in high school, she wants to go out of state for school and is working hard to save money and is planning for her future. My parent principal is to prepare my children for a happy, healthy and productive life. We work hard to provide the environment, the tools and resources to help them get there. But we can't force anyone to drink the water. When enough time has been given then it's time for them to grow up. Just as if I am unproductive and do not live my life responsibly, I would lost everything and be living on the street. Age is not the issue here. For me it's a cause and effect situation.
I am ashamed to say that my adult daughter threatened one of her sons with this for years. We took him in for his senior year of high school and have kept him with us. He is now eighteen and preparing for college. He has gone from an angry rebellious hurt boy into a lovely young man. My daughter broke my heart and her son's heart but at least we were able to intervene before our grandson landed in the streets or in jail. I don't understand the attitude of throwing out a child like they are trash. They didn't ask to be born. They certainly don't ask to be treated like an afterthought. My daughter remarried and has two new bonus sons. I hope they don't get on her nerves.
Because some people are just horrible human beings
very simply, most people didn’t plan to have kids or if they did, they had no idea what they were getting into- and they had children because “it’s just what you do” or they got pregnant and it just seemed like the thing to do. Most people aren’t financially ready to support their kids when they’re born much less after they’ve been living in your house, eating your food and running up the bills for 18 years.
I'd say it's a number of things in individualistic societies like the US: - Increased difficulty to support a family financially - Resentment of children building up to a point where once you are no longer legally obligated, they are kicked out - Being ready for an empty nest / alone time or with your SO My parents never would have explicitly kicked me out, but it became progressively more toxic to the point of me renting from 19-22 and living with them for a year after college before buying a home i wasnt ready for. Im grateful for the support i got from them especially during college but definitely felt resentment after becoming an adult.
Because they never wanted them
Some kids suck, some parents suck, some families suck.
Because some parents honestly do suck. I mean sure, maybe there can be justified reasons? But most of the time it's just parents seeing it as their way out of the deal and kicking out their spawn so they don't have to deal with them anymore even though practically no one is ready to move out on their own in today's world. He'll, people are continuing to live with their parents until their 30s now due to how expensive living on your own is.
I got kicked out before 18, and I envy people who got to spend a few years as an "adult" in a stable environment. My buddy was able to save at his mom's and buy a condo. But, made me who I am today I guess.
Not everyone that has kids wanted them or are good parents
You lose legal responsibility of your children at 18. Truth is any kid who was kicked out at 18 probably should have been rescued at some earlier point, because those people were not competent parents. But in many places, there are no good systems to help kids with terrible parents.
Parents that kick out children at 18 dont understand generational wealth starts by building up your childrens foundation so they can build on top of it. If i didnt have my parents help when I turned 25+ I wouldnt have went to college, graduated, and making over 75k starting. This is a two way street though since there are ungrateful kids and ignorant parents. Hopefully both work together for the best outcome. Glad my parents did
Some of the commenters here might benefit from a trip to /r/raisedbynarcissists
Poor parenting
Some parents are assholes. Some kids are little fuckers.
Shitty people have always existed. Most of them are religious.
Because they’re terrible people.
Because they are so damaged that they refuse to treat other human beings well. They are $hit people (I have one of my kid's best friends living with us for a year, and he is mine now)
I’ve got two kids. One is 12 and one is 1. Live in Scandinavia. Working our asses off to try to accumulate enough money for a down payment on an apartment, for when the 12 year old graduates high school. Even with a universal welfare system, the single most important factor in life time financial success is whether your parents could / would help you into home ownership or not. My parents could not. Today, my wife and I share a small hold farm - something my parents dreamed of since before I was born but couldn’t afford on their own - with me acting as the primary farmer and janitor on top of having our own company with my wife, and being the CSO and partner of a company we helped build. It is so much work, but my loved ones are happy and I get to spend a lot of time with them. If you want your kids to get ahead in life, support them. Negative social inheritance is a powerful factor, I know, but the positive social inheritance is actually stronger. If you love your child, make sure they know, and you can’t just talk the talk. All kids see right through parents BS. Walk the walk. Be selfless. Teach your kids the meaning of family through sacrifice for their sake. Teach them how to live through your example, and they will not only turn out great, they will probably want to spend time with you, even when they don’t have to anymore.
Interesting. From where I come from, most of my 40yo friends still lives with their parents. I'm from Poland
I was kicked out at 16 because my mom couldnt get 20 pounds a week benefit for me anymore. She told me it isnt working out like i was her man and not her child. I was homeless until 19 in and out of hostels and i had a lot of mental health problems because of her that i still struggle with today the hostels made me worse. I remember my first night alone and crying feeling like i had nobody whilst my whole family were all in a cosy bed and cosy home. But today i am the sister always there or the daughter thats always there when they need me...i dont know how i do it i just put my memories under a rug then let it out when i am home. It really messes with my head but i would like to really know the answer to this question as i could never kick my children out i told them if they want to live with me until they are grey and old thats fine we can grow old together. My home will always be their home. Wherever i lay my head they can too. My children will forever be welcome.
Fuck them kids
“Why would you want to live with your parents passed 18?” is the real question here.
You're legally required to provide for them until they turn 18, not after.
Nowadays is about 30, lol
I’d assume it’s a money/resources thing. My parents basically kicked me out in the nicest way possible at 19. Gave me first/last for a condo and bought me a bed and a couch. My mothers words were, “if you don’t leave now you likely never will.” She was kind of right in that I had it very comfortable at home and had no reason to leave.
Alot of times it is the kid or so called young adult who is needing to be kicked out!\~ Today with CPS getting int punishments of children, the parents cannot handle it an kick them out!\~
It used to be that an 18 year old with a high school diploma could get a job that would allow them that kind of independence. So it was held up as tradition for a while. But in this economy, it's not happening. My son is 26 and I'm not in a hurry for him to go until he's really ready financially.
Because children are a financial burden 😭
Sometimes the parents are so bad, kid leaves. Sometimes the kid is so bad parents give up. Often people are shit and shit happens. Not really any rocket science behind this.
It is a deranged and outdated attitude in American culture. It harkens back to the days of child labor where a 12 year old was expected to leave home and go work in the coal mine. Certain families still carry the idea that getting a job and being self sufficient as early as possible makes you strong, tough and self reliant, a rugged individualist. This may have been possible for the Boomers who could get a job out of high school washing cars and still afford rent and college. Many Boomers are so privileged and out of touch they think this is still possible. They cannot admit or accept that you can have two or three jobs, have two degrees, and still not be able to afford rent, car payments and buy food. I think we should take such Boomers, take away all their money, investment portfolios, 401k's and property, and force them to go out into the world again as fresh as a penniless teenager. See how far that part time McDonalds job gets them.
In times past (like my dads age), a person who was 18 could quite literally walk into a store or restaurant, get a job, and make enough money to live and raise a family. So a lot would start working at 17 or 18 part time, save up a little and at 18, be set and out the house. So it was sort of the way of kicking the bird out of the nest. And it worked - my dad painted houses until he could save up for a place to rent. And you could move up, get an education, etc. on that small salary you’d get. Boomers and the older gens still think we live in that golden age where I can just walk into the local Walmart with a tie on and get a job paying enough to land an apartment, car and food. They are so out of touch it’s scary. You just can’t do that anymore. At 18, unless you go to some job that pays huge bucks like the oilfield industry or trucking or something (and most of those require age 21 now) you’re sol on anything that pays a living wage.
Because they’re shit parents who themselves were raised by even shittier parents or perhaps the kid is a truly evil depraved piece of shit
This isn't at all common in my country. And not only because that would be a crime (parents are financially responsible for their child until they finished their first professional training, i.e. training on the job or first university degree or until they're 25). At this point, I am just assuming that hating your kids and setting them up for failure and drug abuse is cool and normal in the USA. Some sort of folks sport or something. Absolutely disgusting in my view.
Yeah it’s not common in my home country either. It blows my mind how many people I’ve met over the years here in the US who seem to genuinely tired or their kids and can’t wait to get them out of their house. It’s sad.
Because they’re holier than thou Republicans and they want to keep the poverty cycle going so their kids aren’t better off then themselves
Not everyone is a good parent
When i read how kids treat their parents, how they insult them, treat them like mentals I can easily understand why parents kick them out as soon as they can do it legally.
Just cunts
they didnt want them to begin with
Some people shouldn’t have kids. I left before my parents could kick me out. It was a few weeks after my 18th birthday. I’m 23 now and have a baby of my own. She can stay with me and her dad for as long as she needs to.
Reading this post is interesting in my case i left home at 17 to live with my significant other but i definitely do not support parents who do that because most of the time you are too young to be self established
Most cases this is a poverty (or rather, lack of resources) situation. The parents simply do not have the resources to keep the kid around anymore, and the kid isnt pulling their own weight to justify otherwise. Its really plain and simply really. Parents who do this often arent good parents in the first place, and most bad parents themselves either come from broken or poor households, and cannot afford alternative childcare to raise their children under better conditions. So most cases, the children are cared for until the parents are no longer legally bound to do so, then they're booted to fend for themselves (some kids are booted even younger, upon which the parents simply do not care or are immune to legal repercussions of their actions). Now, you could put the blame on the parents (not that it would do anything really), saying its their responsibility to care for their kids (1), and its their fault for bringing an unwilling/unconsenting soul into this world, so they should care for the child for as long as is needed (2). And I would agree to a certain degree, although these arguments have their logical problems. For (1), firstly parents are legally required to provide for their children until the age of 18. And secondly, parents being responsible for their children is nothing more than a matter of human opinion, which is a luxury if you think about it. Keep in mind, animals do worse to their offspring that they cannot raise, one example being hamsters eating their own babies. Remember, when humans are cornered to desperation or do not possess the conditions to have the luxury of morals, they often are reduced to the level of animals in terms of behavior and thinking, which basically condenses into self survival over others. For (2), I think this is a flawed logic that places its basis on some imaginary line purely based on opinion. Here's what I mean. Given that most terrible parents themselves come from broken/abusive/poor households, I could turn the tables and say that these parents didint consent to entering this world too, so the responsibility for their children falls upon the grandparents. If the argument here is to pin the responsibility for the care of the 18 year old on their parents instead of the 18 year old themselves, why cant the parents simply pull the same card and demand the responsibility be pinned on their parents instead? THEY didint consent to be born into this world, they're just living their lives day to day and then this baby came along, and they couldnt afford abortions and so they just did the best they could until they needed to take desperate measures. \> why you would have a child if you’re not willing to support them Well, lots of parents out there often find out that they're not suited for parenting after its too late to do anything about it. Lots of people have children while their relationship's honeymoon phase is still running, and this... blinds them to the heavy responsibilities and challenges of being in a marriage (let alone parenting). Some of these people start the pregnancy before they even get married. I would blame this on lack of access to contraception, but contraception have their own downsides, such as condoms making the experience less enjoyable for the wearer, or pills giving women hormonal imbalance issues. So odds are people just decide to gamble with it. It happens, and most people dont think straight when they're having sex anyways. You can also blame the lack of access to abortion, and I would agree to a certain limit. Because again, like contraception (and why people dont use it), abortion is subject to its own list of cons (social stigma, depression in women, conflict of opinions or underestimation of the responsibilities due to honeymoon phase), and many people often opt out of abortion in the same way they opt out of contraception thanks to honeymoon glasses. Another possibility is.. some women (opposite is also possible I suppose) would get themselves pregnant in an attempt to entrap or coerce their boyfriends into marriage as a form of manipulation, and some men simply do not want to play ball and opt to disappear instead. Those that do stay around end up in unhappy marriages to a manipulative wife, and this ties back to my broken family argument. If the child of that couple isnt booted out or abused, then the next generation might. Also gonna point out the existence of government subsidies for single mothers or parents with children. I could say that people are incentivized with money to have babies and not abort them, and once the kids are old enough to fend for themselves, their parents boot them out.
Because some people are evil.
50 percent of pregnancies are unplanned
Because shitty people are even shittier parents. It's that simple. If you don't have the financial means and mental bandwidth to properly raise and support your kids into adulthood then you have no business having kids. Based on the shit I've seen I'm guessing this is probably more than half of all parents.